Life with a Narcissist: Their Own Personal Mini-Cult

The narcissist is always the Guru at the centre of a Cult. Whether that cult is a Mini-Cult, such as the home environment, or a Group-Cult, such as a religious environment, the behaviour will have been the same. In this article you get the chance to contrast and compare what happens within a narcissists cult setting. So if you have shared a life with a narcissist, whether you realized it or not, you will have been part of a cult, and you will have been to Cloud Cuckoo Land

The Narcissist erects a perfect reality in the clouds where they live, and it is named Cloud Cuckoo Land. There they can exist in an unrealistically idealistic state where everything is just perfect for them. However, if you want to be with your narcissist, then you must be willing to conform to their way of living in order to maintain their illusion. Of course, in Cloud Cuckoo Land the narcissist rules supreme and you must honour them as the God of this Utopian Kingdom. That is the unequivocal rule.

Cloud Cuckoo Land is all a bit ambiguous, quite similar to Never Never Land really. Your new Narcissist God will promise you many more suns and moons than you could ever imagine seeing with any mortal Being. That, if you come with them to this beautiful paradise, you too will get to bathe in the Fountain of Youth and drink from the silver chalice that is filled with the magical tears of a mermaid, and remain forever young, just like them. What you have not yet realized is that your God is really a Fiend in disguise. Of course, they will have failed to tell you that whoever drinks from the “poison” chalice will forfeit all of their energy and life to them, until their very life-blood is all sucked away. Then they will experience a slow death mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually as their victim. This will be their fate, unless the victim managed to get their feet back on terra firma, run and never look back.

To live in Cloud Cockoo Land with a narcissist is akin to living in a Cult. Both Narcissists and Cults use psychological techniques such as mind-control, brainwashing, thought reform, and mental manipulation to change the victim’s belief systems in order to gain control. The longer a victim is exposed to their narcissistic relationship, the more depleted they become, making it harder for them to extract themselves out of the relationship.

When I speak of “Cults”, I am probably speaking in a broader context to what most people general understand a cult to be. To-day Cults can be defined as any group that is destructive to its members in one way or another (mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially). Most people understand what is meant by a Religious Cult, such as the world religions (Christianity, Hinduism, etc), and splinter groups (Order of the Solar Temple, Heaven’s gate, Jonestown, Manson Family etc.). But there are other kinds of cults, for example there are Commercial Cults. Commercial Cults, are those companies that carry out pressure selling for greed, getting you to sign up for endless programmes at exorbitant amounts of money, so that you too can be millionaires like them. Then there are Political Cults. The Political Cults carry out mind control on a huge scale to recruit and dominate (i.e Hitler’s Nazi Movement, terrorists groups etc). Cults that you may never have considered are the Self Help and Counselling Cults, with there guru’s that keep clients co-dependent on them while they extract money for endless unnecessary sessions, even asking for large sums of money up front in some cases. If you dare to complain, you will be made to feel humiliated, or worse, guilty. You will be told “it is your issue". If you are not gaining from the programme, then there is something wrong with you, because everybody else is doing well. If you are not doing enough recruiting, it is because you are not committed to the cause. If you are not getting healthier, it is because you did not attend some workshop or other that they were running. It will always be your fault, nothing to do with them.

Misconceptions about Narcissists:

1. Narcissists are easy to spot.

On first meeting a narcissist, unless you are already familiar with narcissistic behaviour, you are never going to suspect how dangerous they are. They present themselves well, seem bright and interesting. You will find them to be everyday people just like yourself in fact. Actually you may find that they have a lot in common with you, they appear to share your views, your values, your ideas etc. They seem to be very interested in you, and have the knack of making you feel as if you are the only person in the room that matters to them. The reality is that they are not like you. If they are drawn to you it is because you are empathic, soft, authentic, and a person of integrity. You possess all the qualities that they lack, and they you for that reason alone, they need someone like you to make them feel whole. Narcissists do not want you to know that they are searching you out as potential “narcissistic supply”. For that reason they act at becoming a mirror image of you in order to put you at ease until such time that they manage to “hook” you. When that time has come, that is when your wonderful Dr. Jekyll becomes the evil Mr/s Hyde.

Narcissists are weak and emotionally unstable:

Actually, this is not true, at least not in the beginning. On the contrary, many narcissists are high-functioning individuals who will present in a way that they come across as intelligent people, affable, and emotionally strong. With this concoction of attractiveness, the narcissist is hoping that you will be taken in by their beguiling way. What you don’t know is that you are seeing them at their very best, on a “high” with the thrill of the chase that has just begun, and you are the “kill”. This is only the first phase of the drama. During the first initial “idealization stage”, the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mould their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply. Caught up in this alluring state of euphoria, the victim becomes “hooked” by the narcissist’s exuberance and grandiose exaggerations. Now the narcissist has hooked their prey, they become will soon become bored with the game. The relationship then shifts into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. At some point the game will enter its third and final stage, “The Discarding Phase”. In this phase, the game comes to its final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their mind they have already won the contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying punishing relationship. However, the narcissist resists all attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness, and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of narcissistic supply.

Narcissists are always religious:

This is a common mistake that people make about both narcissists and cult leaders. In fact, and cultism come in many guises, somewhat like A Nine Headed Hydra. Interesting enough, research confirms that it is usually a narcissist that is the guru at the centre of a cult. Some theorists would say that cult leaders are narcissists who have failed at their mini-cult life. For some reason they did not manage to impress in the outside world, for that reason they withdraw into a “comfort zone” where they can be the guru with their own disciples as narcissistic supply.

Contrasting and comparing the Narcissist and the Cult Guru:

The regular narcissist and the Cult Guru behave in a similar manner. Both are apposed to their victims having their own autonomy and independence, they like their victims to be fully dependent on them. Both alternate between idealizing and devaluing their victims, which creates the phenomenon of “trauma bonding”, giving them total control. Both claim to be superior, and will lie to maintain their confabulations. Both need attention and from their victims in order to keep the going for maintaining . Both are rigid in their thinking, dogmatic and aggressive in their manner. Neither allow for freedom of speech, as this may encourage criticism or disagreement, which can lead to their own narcissistic injury, their spontaneous rage, and their obligatory need for revenge. Both isolate the victims (from friends and family), then cause their victims to become hostile to anybody who tries to criticize their new captor. Both are “missionaries” in that they are always looking for new supply, and they will even get there current supply to recruit new means of supply for them. In the company of new supply, both will enter the “idealization stage”, where they are charismatic for the purpose of seducing new supply. However when they return home they become cold, demanding and tyrannical of their current supply. Neither respect the boundaries of their victims, they have no respect for them and treat them as mere objects of gratification. They demand complete trust in their decision-making from everybody, and self-focus from all of their interpersonal exchanges, which they usually manage to get. Both do not manage to sustain deep satisfying relationships, they lack psychological awareness of themselves and others, and have great difficulty when it comes to . They are hypersensitive to any form of criticism, whether real or imagined, and are extremely vulnerable to (rather than guilt).

Narcissist’s Rule:

Both draw up the rules of engagement, and usually there is one rule for the slave and another for the master. Narcissists frequently violate ethical standards and the law. Because of their flouting of ethics and the law, they feel as if they are above the laws that govern everybody else, and they will bend those laws whenever they feel the need, especially for self gain, often in criminal ways. When a supply person threatens to abandon them, they react very badly to the threat, not so much because they care, but because of fear of losing something that provides them with attention in one way or another. Often the fear is associated with the fact that the victim may know too much, and if they leave the narcissist they will no longer have control over them. Both see enemies and conspiracies everywhere. Therefore, the victim is a constant reminder of fear that one day they may become the enemy who knows too much, and will spill the beans. Where possible they tend to live out of the motto, “keep your friends near, and your enemies nearer”.

The Narcissist’s Neediness: So when it comes to a narcissist, all narcissists have an insatiable appetite of neediness that never gets satisfied. The more "supply" they get, the more they seem to need. They cannot be alone for long, so when one source is away or dried-up, they are on to the next one in their armory. They are high maintenance on their supply people, placing insistent demands on them which can never be reached. That is why they change them as often as other people change their underwear. One of the reasons they are so needy for attention from others is because they are unable to self-soothe or comfort themselves enough, like an infant, they just can’t do it. That is why they need symbiotic union with another all the time. They like to think of themselves as independent, but that is far from the truth, in fact they are very dependent on their narcissistic supply, where they cling, with escalating demands always being made. The emotional need of the narcissist can become so smothering and controlling for the victim, that it can become impossible to sustain indefinitely. If the supply person tries to slow things down, or take a step back, this will lead to a crisis. The narcissist will experience this as rejection or abandonment, and their core wound of abandonment will be opened, and there will be a huge reaction. It may lead to a crisis that will end the relationship suddenly, often with desperate consequences.

The Narcissist’s Grandiosity: Always present is the grandiosity. Everything they do is grander than anybody else, so if they think they are in love, then it is going to be the story of Romeo and Juliet, or Frankie and Johnny, full of drama (for a while at least). But before long it will end in disappointment for them when they sense the slightest cooling. Once that happens it is the end of the dream, there "all or nothing" mentality kicks in, and their intolerance for any imperfection in the other will show. Narcissists are also “Power” driven. This is seen in all manners of behaviours, i.e. their arrogance, bullying, contempt, exploitation, , controlling, possessiveness, abuse, lack of empathy and conscience etc. Is it any wonder that narcissists become leaders? Their devious pathology and their lack of conscience can make them appear very assertive to the untrained eye, and their egotistical and charming ways is often mistaken for . Research shows that narcissists don’t perform any better than others in leadership roles, actually, their bully tactics and their lack of healthy esteem and empathy usually causes havoc within the . Often they derail themselves by losing the trust and respect of followers who eventually see how self-serving the narcissist really is.

The Narcissists Rage: Rage is never far from the narcissist, it is always bubbling away below the surface, and can boil over in an instant. It is a mistake to confuse narcissistic rage with anger, although the two may be similar, there are differences. The narcissist can be triggered into an extreme rage by something that would normally only provoke angry feelings in another person. For example, they can fly into a rage by something that would appear relatively trivial to anybody else; such as disagreeing with them, or preventing them from carrying out their desired wishes (no matter how grandiose their fantasies are). In fact, any time you accidentally (or deliberately) trigger any (conscious/unconscious) shameful feeling, the narcissist will go into a predictable rage. Of course a relationship with rage may also lead to excitement in the love making. I often hear victims say that some of the best sex they ever had was with their narcissist. The aftermath of such a rage can lead to an intense sexual encounter with the narcissist, making the "making-up" feel even all the more erotic after the intense fear of when the fire-works went off. Again, this is a sign of the effects of the trauma bonding on the victim.

Narcissist’s Playfulness: Narcissists are like children in many ways, so they can be playful and charming when they want. In these times they are very engaging, but don't be fooled, their attractiveness is merely a veneer on a very disturbed dark personality. When they are like this, they are after something, and usually it has a malicious intent. Behind it, most likely you are going to be conned in some way. The narcissistic "Trickster" can be truly ruthless in the relationship, and manipulation will be a central aspect. When the Trickster strikes, it can do so to the point of devastation, some call it "a psychic vandalism". This is the type of narcissist who playfully builds up your trust, then goes on to clear out your bank account with their manipulation.

Narcissist’s Fantasy: The narcissist uses an elaborate inner world of fantasy where they can experience achievements, hostility, self-revelation, power, revenge etc. Because of there high demand of entitlement, the narcissist uses fantasies in order to cope with their stress. Unfortunately, the narcissist believes their own illusions, and is blind to the fact that others can see through them. For those people who are outside the circle of Narcissistic Supply, they can see the games that are being played, having lost respect for the narcissist, they wisely give the narcissist a wide birth. Impervious in their armour of grandiosity and fantasy, the narcissist blindly lives in their ivory tower, where they believe that they are hugely impressive to everybody. They display their grandiosity daily in their exaggerated delusional fantasies of Omnipotence (having unlimited power), Omniscience (having infinite knowledge), Omnipresence (being everywhere simultaneously), and Omnivore (perfectionism and completeness).

Narcissist in a Cult or personal relationship, no difference really! Whether it is within a cult setting or in a personal relationship setting, the narcissist knows that if they can control the relationship, then they have you. In the beginning of either of these relationships it is always the same. It starts with you being showered with heaps of attention and affection. In the cult setting, the narcissistic will make sure that you are made to feel "loved", instant friends are supplied, and you will be made to feel that you belong to this elitist club. You will hear that the Guru is a Divine Being that is envied by many enemies, who want to bring them down. For that reason the Guru must be protected from the outside world. It will become the victim’s to spread the word of their Guru’s genius so that the world can gain from the wisdom of the group. Amongst other things, it will include pressure selling in order to bring in more money for the Guru’s purse. If getting more for the Guru means using deception, then that will be allowed, just as long as you don’t get found out. If you do, then you are on your own, your Guru will deny they knew anything about it. In a personal relationship with a narcissist it is not any different. The minute you let it be known that you love them (as a friend, lover, or whatever), they know they have the control. You may think the relationship is reciprocal, but that is just an elaborate illusion. They will introduce you to those they regard as friends, but they are more likely to be family members, because they do not actually have friends, only acquaintances. Because they are incredibly jealous and envious, they want to move in the circles you move in, remember you did not choose them, they very much choose you. You had something they were envious of, and they wanted it. So in effect, they want to become like you in certain ways. So they will expect you to bring them into your circle of friends, and if you do not, they will take it as a personal rejection. When they do get in with your circle of friends, they will feel entitled to use them too. Your friends are now an extension of them, and therefore they are fair game for exploitation. They will be looking for those people who can further serve their needs for narcissistic supply, which could be in any number of ways, for example, business, status, knowledge, fun etc. It will not matter to them the nature of the relationship you have with this person, if they want them at any level, they will muscle in and get what they want, they do not have boundaries or loyalty. Narcissists are like the Pac-Man character in arcade video games, which, on swallowing a “power pill” can then gobble everything and everyone up.

Part of the mind control behaviour of a narcissist is to keep the victim busy. In the cult setting the victim will find every moment of time accounted for, it will leave little or no time for friends or family in the outside world; whether it be because of study, recruiting other members, attending meetings or other activities etc., all this is designed to leave the person with little or no time to reflect or think about what is happening. This is not so different in the personal relationship with the narcissist either. They will demand every moment of your time, they will expect you to put them before all others. You will be expected to support them in every way, their ideas, their fantasies, their work load, their thinking, their boredom, everything. They will exhaust you to the point that you have little or nothing left for anybody, including yourself.

To escape your narcissist, whether it is a mini-cult, or an organizational cult, will take a lot of will-power on your behalf if you are to succeed. For most people the only way to survive and heal means going for a complete separation. You will need to allow enough time to recuperate and work through painful feelings and emotions. Also, the longer you have been in the narcissistic relationship, the more time you should give yourself, especially if there has been a lot of physical abuse involved. Get the support of people that make you feel safe and secure, and bathe yourself in the comfort of a soft environment where you can heal. Educate yourself as much as you can on narcissistic victim abuse syndrome. If at all possible, get yourself into therapy with a trauma therapist that understands abusive narcissistic behaviour, and the effects of that abuse on the victim, they will be aware of the need for de-programming after such an ordeal.

I hope that this article will be a starting point for you to inform yourself about this type of so that you can protect yourself from becoming narcissistic supply. If you have already found yourself being narcissistic supply, then it is really important that you learn how to spot the narcissistic behaviour early on in any relationship, both the healthy and the pathological kind, because you are in danger of further re-victimization as you are already conditioned in the narcissist’s convoluted dance. I found myself being re-victimized several times, but I could not figure out why it was happening. It was not until I said to myself, "There is one common dominator in all these experiences, and that is “me”. I began to wonder what part I was unconsciously playing in this deadly game? The next step I took was to get myself a Trauma Therapist and set to work to uncover the hidden secrets behind my own behaviour, my “pleasing”, compliance, co-dependency, lack of boundaries etc. Only when I did that was I finally able to work out my part in the narcissists dance. Be absolutely clear, the narcissist’s convoluted dance requires two partners, the narcissist and the victim. Once I knew the answer to the elusive conundrum, I was able to change my own addictive responses to all narcissists, once and for all. The good news is that I can now spot a narcissist a mile away, I can detect their behaviours through their body language, their thought processes, their conversations, etc. Hotchkiss give good information for recognizing their behaviour through what she calls "The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism", which are Shamelessness; Magical thinking; Arrogance; Envy; Entitlement; Exploitation; and Bad boundaries. To-day I can be in the company of any narcissist, and can even enjoy any time I choose to spent there, or I can leave if I find it all too difficult or superficial, either way I shall not allow myself to be “hooked” again. Finally my feet are firmly planted on terra firma, having fled from Cloud Cuckoo Land, I shall never again look back.

Christine Louis de Canonville is a Psychotherapist and Supervisor who is an expert in the area of narcissistic behavior and narcissistic abuse. She specializes in teaching and training therapists in the understanding of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, a new syndrome that is on the increase in our culture. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, and in her private practice she also specializes in one- to-one Spiritual Recovery for the victims of narcissistic abuse.

Visit her Website: The Roadshow for Therapists

http://narcissisticbehavior.net