SEMESTER 2 WEEK 5 25 AUGUST 2010

Foreign Correspondents Under Pressure: A report from Japan

Young Carer Heroes John Safran vs Honi Election 2010: The Wrap Up 2

More ‘well hung’ This Week's: Best loved song: Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” CONTENTS HONI SOIT, EDITION 17 jokes than you can Mostpoke hated song: Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” 25 AUGUST 2010 a stick at Dreamiest Barista: Cafe Hernandez’s Most popular character trait permutation for editor’s children: Beautiful & Kind but Stupid The Arts-Hole 10 The Post 03 Elise Fabris and Monica Connors review the Law and Women’s Revues. The Uni-Cycle 04 Daniel Zwi reviews Of Earth and Sky. Rebecca Barrett on the USU policy launch. Hannah Lee reviews The Expendables. 11 Bridie Connellan on Hip Hop Handball. Declan Dickinson interviews Hot Chip. Dave Mack profiles USyd’s Muslim Association. Jacinta Mulders attended the Byron Bay Anusha Rutnam on Scientology and USyd. Writers’ Festival. Lucy Bradshaw ate at Bloodwood. Erin Young and Che-Marie Trigg dissect the Med degree. 05 The Mains Catherine Marks rugged up for the Winter Sleepout. 12 Catherine Marks reports on student Naomi Hart dishes some campus dirt. carers. The Usual Suspects 06 From Japan Jacqueline Breen discusses David Mack counts down the worst in campus food. the future of foreign correspondence. Ian Mack discusses the proposed Barangaroo Youtube: Cute Asian Kid The Soapbox +I'm Yours Hating on revues? Tim Whelan knows what 14 USyd students like. Mekela Panditharatne speaks out against asylum seeker-related fear mongering. Joe Smith-Davies went one week without the interwebs for The Gauntlet. 07 Daniel Zwi thinks genre is a dirty musical word. THE HYPOTHETICAL: Joe Payten shows you how to fake being a David Mulligan on powerpoints. Would you rather music festival pro. 08 Your child be: Anusha Rutnam grasped the scales a) Beautiful & ORKind but Stupid of justice in her hands. Nearly. More Usual Suspects 15 Ben Jenkins shows you that Hamlet and The Lion Ted Talas raises his glass to beloved b) Beautiful & Smart but Cruel OR King are not the same thing. drinking hole, The Salisbury. Naomi Hart plays the soundtrack to c) Smart & Kind but Ugly election night. FAQs The Profile09 Monica Connors talks to the controversial Tom Marr can’t get a word in edgeways, Can they change over time? Australian comedian, John Safran. while Sam Elliott’s reign of verbage No. continues.

How beautiful/ ugly, smart/stupid and kind/cruel? Joe Payten had a cow, man, in South America. The extreme of every characteristic. For example if they 16 lack the kind gene they would be world-renowned for their Elizabeth Mulhall did the readings. What wankery. If you decide against beauty, they would almost about you? certainly be known as cactus boy/girl. Your stupid child Kirsten Wade examines the cloudy future of would be a grade-A dum dum. the Melbourne Storm. SRC 17 Bletchley Park 20 The Garter 21 - 23

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Henry Hawthorne EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Anusha Rutnam, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng So do we not have a Prime Minister? REPORTERS Jacqueline Breen, Lucy Bradshaw, Monica Connors, Sam Elliott, Hannah Lee, Tom Marr, Party @thelodge 1 hour ago Jacinta Mulders, David Mulligan, Mekela Panditharatne, Ted Talas, Kirsten Wade, Tim Whelan, Dan Zwi CONTRIBUTORS Rebecca Barrett, Declan Dickinson, Elise Fabris, Catherine Marks, Ian Mack, Elizabeth Mulhall, Che-Marie Trigg, Erin Young CROSSWORD Benry Jawthorne

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 Partially Is this USyd? EDITORIAL Educated The definition of what is currently ‘news’ has have been overthrown, or it may have passed CONTENTS Dear Honi slowly but surely shifted from encompassing the reigns over to the Shooters and Fishers Dear Friends, events that occurred circa 2009-2010 to Party, and we can’t report on it. Like you, I have also been bombarded those that occurred within the past two This is the last email I will send to you by the christian “Is this life” advertising hours. This is despite our many and often attempts to glean the outcome of the current political about Fair Trade at Usyd. I will keep it campaign as of late. This message Despite these trends, so smugly ushered in wranglings. We tried following Julia and short and sweet. This Friday (20th) at delivered in the most subtle ‘blanket’ by the wave of online news services, Honi Tony on twitter. We contemplated hiring an 10 10:30am please meet on the front lawns advertising style has made it almost is proud to defend the former long-term elite crack-squad of psephologists. We even outside the quad and come to the USU impossible to walk anywhere on campus notion of news. Far be it from us to miss captured a live ibis from Victoria Park and board meeting to see how our student (except perhaps the 9th floor of the the forest for the trees in this ‘now-obsessed’ christened it Franklin in the hope that it was digital culture, where the minutiae of present clairvoyant, but to no avail. representatives respond to 9 out of 10 fisher library) and not be confronted with events is valued over the observance of wanting Fair Trade on campus. its message, (Which is critical of student rich journalistic traditions of measured and Rather than giving a comprehensive but life in general) and the likes of which deliberated analysis. historical coverage of the election, this The lives of 65000 people in developing has not been seen since the student edition looks beyond Australian journalism countries are in limbo at the moment, elections. More importantly this message Alternatively, it may have something to do to the future of foreign correspondence. We will they continue to be exploited or will, overlaps with Honi’s coverage of student with how we make our paper. Plans for also have an intimate account of the frequent content start to take shape a fortnight in but often concealed difficulties for university for the first time in history, the people mental heath issues in what i perceive advance. The articles are eventually laid up students caring for disabled family members. who make Usyd’s coffee be treated to be a highly important, secular, and on a Sunday night ready for printers on the Be warned, however: with the second major fairly? At the moment it is very unlikely overarching message for USYD students. Monday. Hard copies are then distributed election to be held in Australia looming on 12 the board will vote to implement the I believe this to be at best a very odd on a Tuesday, only to have their numbers the horizon (n.b. Honi and SRC elections in referendum in its full on Friday, even coincidence and at worst intentional in dwindle to extinction by the Friday. The sum T minus one month), our election coverage though 9 out of 10 students want them order to substitute the christian message of the situation is that as you are currently is far from finished. reading this newspaper, the Australian to. for those seeking help with mental health government may have formed, it may since Henry Hawthorne problems. If this is indeed the case i find So I will ask you for the last time, make it deeply troubling. a stand for justice, make a stand for As a former member of Hatter, I can Locke Down 14 student representation, make sure you Matthew Bedwell say with surety that we were almost Noticed that this week’s Honi Soit are on the front lawns of the quad at pathetically DIY. We had so few shirts contained a small piece about Nathan Usyd at 10:30 am friday. that some of us didn’t change them for McDonnell’s complaint about Elite? Qui, moi? days. Our chalk was handmade and of Philosophy tute sizes. Over and out and all the best in seeking predictably poor quality. We printed justice, Letter of as many posters as we could but our Just to make it clear, if Nathan refrained the Week! collective effort was a mere fraction of from his complaining about the Dear Honi, Chris Hoy that which Vox and Ace could afford. Department, other students in his tute/

But we had a fucking great time doing it. lectures would have more time to discuss How timely it is that, amidst the furore 15 tute material. We go to class to learn, not over spending cap breaches in last During the campaign, and even months to hear him complaining and criticising. A very cross semester’s Union Board elections and an after, students came up to us saying they And for the record, the Phil. Department Honi investigation into the University’s were glad to see a team which wasn’t an has created two new tutorial classes to word ‘prestige problem’, revelations should elite clique of law and media students stop his whinging. Dear Honi Soit, emerge regarding the formation of a who wanted to use Honi as a springboard ‘super ticket’ for this year’s Honi election. to Fairfax. Personally, I don’t believe that Much love, I’d like to thank Pat Bateman for his most members of Ace and Vox wanted friendly style in his article about election Many readers will remember the pink, to win just for the CV, or so they could Mel. lies, addressing us as “Dear Reader”. blue and (perhaps) orange ‘blitzkrieg’ one day work alongside Miranda Devine. 16 This was a pleasant change from that of campus last year, as Vox, Ace and But each team acquired a different Love mail? Hate mail? Like mail? person who writes the crosswords; always Hatter postered, chalked and lecture- image, and the fact that a team which making it difficult for people doing the bashed the university for two long weeks had so few resources managed to receive SEND IT ALL normal crossword, insulting them, or in the race to win the Honi editorship for 500 primary votes says something. even leaving out the normal version 2010. Whilst all teams shared a passion TO

altogether. Unfortunately, not everyone for writing and a vision for Honi, their 17 A personal opinion, yes, but it speaks to [email protected] can relate to the crackpot theories and resources were heinously imbalanced. an elitist culture, where you can buy the mystical allusions made by the elitists As Naomi Hart reported a few weeks editorship of a student paper; a clique 20 putting together the cryptic version. ago, Vox and Ace ran associated SRC environment where, if you have the tickets in order to spend more and outdo connections and resources, the position is It was also interesting to see a flashback each other (running into thousands of yours. Sounds a lot like the recent Union to Tony Abbott as SRC president. Elly’s dollars), whilst Hatter was confined Board debacle, doesn’t it? article wasn’t quite as lively, but good to a $600 limit. It’s no wonder, then, What used to be a marker of literary on her for not actually telling everyone that Vox and Ace had more people in talent and passion for student media to vote for the same party as her. It professionally made shirts ‘helping’ is fast becoming just another elitist was good of her to share some election students over the line come election day, manouevre. tips, even though some of them were or that the posterboards on Eastern Ave

incorrect (for example, you don’t need to were layered ten sheets thick with pink Antares Wells take your ID). and blue. Indeed, one losing team had Arts Adv. II enough resources to take the winners Owen Miller to court after the result had been Engineering, Computer Science IV announced. Cracked pot WHAT YOU NEED TO DO: the While repairing my girlfriend’s ceramic • Write an opinion piece on the Forgive me father for I have sinned. As I type this, I am lusting after an innocent engineering pot, I used the July 28th issue of Honi theme of ‘Censorship’ student who just stalkerwants to finish his PowerPoint presentation – in SciTech on a Saturday to protect the table. While doing so I afternoon at computer 40. My lust is of an extravagant nature, and I am so greedy for his • Make sure it’s 800-1000 words noticed Bridie Connellan’s review of ‘the attention that even the shirt on his back makes me jealous. 100% cotton gets all the luck. and your own original work shortlist’ and I’m glad I did since it was a • Submit it by 5pm (EST) Friday I am sitting next to him, and yet he does not notice as I gluttonously gulp the air in a vain highly entertaining read. Thanks Bridie, attempt to imbibe his very essence as it wafts on by. I am also guilty of the sin of sloth: just a 17 September 2010 to opinion@ DISCLAIMER I may even use future issues of Honi glimpse of his short blonde hair, broad shoulders, and large ravishing freckles, would leave even src.usyd.edu.au (Entries open Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The the most errant child transfixed. And while I am proud to be in the same room as him, even for more than just soping up spills and 5pm 6 August 2010) SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this the short distance between us leaves me full of wrath. craftwork mess. land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors • Include your full name, year, of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to I am the emotional equivalent of scrambled eggs. Oh, friendly stranger, won’t you please degree, faculty, student ID gobble me up? Tyler be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained number, email and phone within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. Postgrad IV Were you stalked? Send a photo of yourself to [email protected] and you may win a prize! contact details. 4 The Uni-Cycle www.honisoit.com USU Policy Launch Sydney Uni Muslim Rebecca Barrett gives you the lowdown on fair trade, elections, AA and more. SOC IT Addressing issues as far ranging as until 2012-13 when none of the current students association and cigarette sales on campus, elections, Directors will be on the Board. TO ME fair trade and cocktails, the inaugural Islamic Awareness Week USU policy conference was a forum for The rest of the conference was largely Dave Mack has som’ som’ to say everyone interested in the governance taken up by discussion of student about SUMSA. with stories of of the USU, skipping a 10am class, and politics. There was general consensus For an academic institution, Sydney Uni his Methodist getting a free Manning burger. A small that postering during elections, a practice sure seems to be revelling in religion of upbringing and but eager group of students congregated many deem wasteful and expensive, late. Maybe it’s just that Tony Abbott’s his slow discovery at Manning Bar to discuss the USU’s should be banned, or at least limited to been in the news a lot, but from the of and conversion policies for the coming year. certain spaces. There was also discussion election of James Flynn to Union Board to Islam, and the of requiring future Board candidates to (whose central policy was to introduce repercussions his Fair trade dominated the agenda, taking procure t-shirts and printing through a USU Faith Convenor) to the various decision to convert up over an hour of discussion time. Union suppliers to allow more scrutiny “This is Life” posters around campus had for him and his family. Student lobby group Fairly Educated of how closely they comply with the (as if to dispel any confusion following expressed anger at their perception that spending cap, after the drama of this Inception), the campus has been awash Khanji said Islamic Awareness Week is the union was ignoring the results of the year’s Union Board elections, where with creeds. just one of a series of events organised non-binding referendum passed by 89.3 several candidates were found to have by SUMSA. The club also holds regular per cent of students on election day last significantly exceeded the cap. The It’s fitting then that the Sydney “Islam 101 Lectures” for interested semester. The Union stressed there was discussion of affirmative action was University Muslim Students Association students because, as Khanji says, “We little more that they could reasonably much more restrained than expected, (SUMSA) has recently held its annual feel the best way to learn about Islam do to implement the referendum, given with some discussion of introducing Islamic Awareness Week, following ten is to learn it from Muslims so we put the current coffee tender doesn’t expire quotas for international or indigenous days of lecturers, debates and cultural together this initiative to help interested student representation. Both these ideas events. students understand the basics of Islam.” were held over for further discussion. Additionally, the club holds regular SUMSA President Ahmed Khanji told fundraising events for African charities With the future of the USU under the Honi, “Islamic Awareness Week is an and the Breast Cancer Foundation, as cloud of the University White Paper, event looked forward to by all SUMSA well as aiding the transition process for the Policy Conference demonstrated members. It attracts a huge amount of Muslim international students. what makes Sydney unique: a student volunteers who are just as passionate organisation that really cares about delivering the true message of SUMSA now has around 500 official about the opinions of the Islam.” members, but is in regular contact with students it represents. With over 1000 Muslim students on campus. future conferences on the horizon, As a part of the festivities, a public Khanji said the club is important to help students should tune in and take part, lecture was given on Tuesday 10 August foster a sense of community on campus. even if only for the free burger. by Yusha (Joshua) Evans, a former “Having a Muslim club on campus Christian youth minister from South creates the unity we need to help us Carolina who converted to Islam in better achieve our goals of providing a USyd refuses Scientology 1998. “This talk today, God willing, is hub of knowledge for both Muslims and not a personal attack on anyone or their non-Muslims about Islam,” he says. demands beliefs,” Evans told the crowd. “It is my Anusha Rutnam feels a surge of love for her alma mater. sincerest intention to tell my story of “Sydney University is certainly how I came from where I was to where welcoming in that we face no difficulties The University of Sydney has refused misdiagnosis and over-medicating of I am now as honestly as I can, and, as being students of the University and to release documents containing emails mentally ill patients. of Professor Ian Hickie, which were they say, the cards fall where they may. practising our religion,” Khanji says. But the only way anyone will benefit “We hope that USyd students not requested by the Church of Scientology Representatives from the Church of from this is with an open mind, and only leave the University at the top of under the Freedom of Information Act. Scientology have stated that they want as the old adage goes, a mind is like a their academic field but also having Hickie, who is the director of USyd’s access to the documents in order to parachute, there’s only one way that it experienced our Islamic Awareness Brain and Mind Research Institute, has ensure that information regarding the will work and that’s if it’s open.” Weeks to have the true and correct been supported by the uni. church contain therein is correct. The understanding of Islam, especially in Church has also requested information Evans, who once intended to become times where the correct understanding Hickie and colleagues have in the past regarding Hickie’s funding and research a Minister, entertained the crowd of Islam is so crucial.” spoken out against the Church’s policies projects. on mental health and psychiatry. In turn, Scientologists have claimed that earrings, tunes blared and Beastie Boys the pharmaceutical industry and various SLAMMED as hoodie-clad comedy psychiatrists are enjoying a mutually Hip Hop cat Michael Hing commentated his beneficial relationship that involves the way through the LINES, FULLS, and Handball mothaflippin’ INTERFERENCES. Sporting prowess was not the only zing Bridie Connellan is, in fact, white. For of this gathering of GZ & hustlas, as 90s Can you believe it? culinary delights from Le Snak, WizFiz - and Golden Pash juiceboxes came served Philosophico Kings, queens, fulls and interference all tuckshoppin’ in brown paper baggies. REPREZENT ye dig? Last Wednesday Sippin’ on (gin and) juice outside Verge Photo by Roslyn Russell every backpack-toting Pokémon- Religious Gallery, competition turned fierce with You wan’ bounce with me? You just crossed hoarding Jay-Z-praising daddy got the line, ma’ fa’. Life of a pro handballer, know a split between hoochies and playas, the best day of their uni life. Hip Hop wha I mean? That’s how this ball rolls. One before the real enemy G’d up: Tha day you’re King. You’re servin up a whole lotta Cameos + Handball = Hip Hop Handball. Poh-lice. With a Campus Security hater rolly-polly no-returns on those jack-alls on the Aight? With two four-squares and a next block. Next day? You’re dunce. Ah, hell. Try frontin’ an attempt to minimize vols on dueling two-square chalked on the White knight? Black night? It don’t make no a poppin’ rendition of Snoop’s ‘Tha difference on this block. Shiiiiiiiii’. That was the wylin’ concrete of the Jane Foss Russell www.glimpsesofgod.info Shiznit’, handball Bloods stood strong. caption. Plaza, USU Campus Culture launched Crank that y’all, this blue-threads hater their lunchtime one-time handball Brief essays which aim at rigour gots nowhere to gizzo and everything to a close, as players felt at ease, mobbin’ extravaganza for all the fresh behotches lay down. with the dogg pound, feelin’ the breeze. without presuming specialist and homeboys ready to make like Year 5 As the (somewhat imaginary) bell chimed knowledge. and wurk dat playground. With a pocketful of Around-The-World “buzzkill”, fives were thrown, balls were Topics range from the science- tournament fronts, a dozen contestations shelved and school was back in sesh. faith interface to the relationship With Campus Culture Convenor over line decisions, poison squares, and Strollin’ to class with nothin’ but love for of spirituality to religion. Roslyn Russell bringin’ the beats and a brush with a rogue T-ball on City the chronic h-ball, y’all knew the service balls complete with Adidas and hoop Road, both the hip and the hop drew to was heaps decent. 5 Medicine vs Commerce Erin Young and Che-Marie Trigg dissect the Med degree.

Money or giving back to mankind: a choice that I faced this choice when selecting my degree. Did I want to feel good about myself by doing Medicine and contributing to humanity, or would I prefer the luxurious apartment, massive paycheck and opportunity to travel that a Commerce degree could lead to? Constant voices in my head (that is, my mother’s loud whispers) pushed me towards Commerce. And while I have no regrets about my choice, sometimes I wonder: what would university be like as a Medicine student? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. I invited a first year postgrad Med student, Rob, to have coffee and describe A GROUP OF MASS LEFT RIGHT OUT his university experience. Most obviously, aspect. As a student who did not grow DEBATERS, FOR REAL the degrees’ structures differ significantly. up in Sydney, I found it challenging THIS TIME Some unidentified “radical left students” In Medicine there are no specific to create a close circle of friends at scrawled on a group of boxes of flyers The Union’s Debates Committee held subjects; students learn about different university. Different people were enrolled belonging to the SRC left in the front a meeting on Thursday 12 August. body systems for a set block of weeks. in all my courses, and the one-hour office. The flyers contained “report Debates Committee meetings are Rather than mid-semester breaks, they tutorials once a week are not conducive cards” on each of the major parties’ renowned for being raucous: according have a week off after each block. They to forming long-lasting friendships. approach to issues relevant to students. to reputation, discussion is frequently are examined at the end of the year – a Commerce societies also seemed to On one, they accused the SRC of being heated as Committee members, true whole year’s worth of work at once. I can have the pre-emptive focus on fostering “labor hacks”, also claiming that the to their trade, dig their heels in to one only imagine how stressful this would be relations with professionals, rather than ALP, in three years in government, has side of an argument (to which, if they for students who cram the evening before between students. In stark contrast, Rob not implemented any change and is dug deep, they may find they are not an exam! They don’t even have the Pass- highlighted the closeness and extensive dragging Australian politics to the right. truly committed) and refuse to be out- High Distinction system that most other socialising which Medicine encourages. Here’s another box: rebutted. degrees have; students simply pass or fail. Naomi Hart Group-based learning sessions help It seems, however, that this month’s From day one, Med students practise create strong bonds, and Med students meeting got a little out of hand. their craft. Every student is assigned know the names and faces of most Following the meeting, Mel Brooks, the two doctors with whom they undertake within their degree. They drink together Union’s Vice President, sent an email to clinical experience one day a week for every Friday at a designated bar, and all Committee members stating that “a the first two years. Even better, in third Medicine events and parties are regular few complaints [had] been made about and fourth year, students are in the and well attended. hospital full time. A Commerce degree member conduct” at the meeting. She explained that “[a] number of people” would be greatly enhanced by allowing While Commerce has opened many had noted an “escalating” problem of students to come out from their cocoon doors for me, the degree could become discourtesy over this year, including and get their hands dirty in the industry. more vibrant, social and practical if it in the form of “[t]alking over other You can only learn so took a page out of Medicine’s book. much from theory, and speakers, making fun of people whilst compulsory work place they are speaking and passing notes experience would make for across the table”. more sought-after trained graduates. Brooks concluded that behaviour that FACT! makes others feel uncomfortable or humiliated falls foul of the Union’s One of the greatest Contrary to popular belief, the ‘G’ in harassment policy, even if it is contrasts between Gmail doesn’t stand for ‘Google’ but inadvertent. The continuance of this these degrees ‘God’. is the social behaviour, she warned, may result in the expulsion of Committee members.

because of noise complaints), we had Young Vinnies People who delicious soup, pancakes for breakfast couch surf and excellent company. Most of us didn’t Winter Sleepout and people get any sleep, and class and work was a Sydney-based blogger Natalie Tran who live in bit of a struggle the next day. There was has reportedly earned over 100K Catherine Marks slums it for charity. situations one thing in particular, however, that was worth of advertising revenue in the Last Thursday 19 August, over 60 keen of domestic still stuck in people’s minds days later: last year, according to a new study Sydney Uni students gathered together violence if you are sleeping on cardboard on the by YouTube analytics and advertising for the 2010 Young Vinnies Winter are also ground, no matter how many thermals firm TubeMogul. With her video blog Sleepout. The Winter Sleepout is an considered you are wearing and no matter how nabbing over 150,000 subscribers annual event run by the Sydney Uni to be homeless. We voluntarily spent expensive your sleeping bag is, you will and half the ad profits, Tran’s skits of Young Vinnies society to raise funds one night outside with our friends, with be very, very, very cold. everyday comedic capers have landed for St Vincent De Paul and to raise campus security to protect us, knowing the 22-year-old UNSW student in awareness about homelessness in Sydney. full well that we would be spending every The Sydney Uni Young Vinnies the top ten highest grossing YouTube It involves speakers, food, and, most other night of the year in warm beds in Society runs monthly Night Patrols channels alongside a Bieber-resembling importantly, sleeping outside on campus our homes. It would be impossible and and fortnightly Brekkie Vans. If you unfunny orange and a bunch of fringed overnight. somewhat offensive to think we could are interested in getting involved, teens with anger management issues. ever recreate the diverse experiences of please join our facebook group, Critics questioned the validity of Tran’s Were we trying to replicate the “true” people in the homeless community. ‘Sydney Uni Young Vinnies’. online income before firmly worded experience of homelessness? No. For letters of support from Sneezing Panda one thing, as we were told by our guest In the end it was a wonderful night: et al welcomed the Western Sydney lass speakers, if you are homeless it doesn’t the speakers were inspiring, the live into a banquet hall of kings. necessarily mean that you sleep outside. music was great (until the police arrived 6 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com The five worst food options on campus David Mack STUFF USYD COUNTDOWN STUDENTS LIKE Pasta: Azzuri’s 5 OK, so I’m generally something of a fan of Azzuri’s; nestled in the cavernous basement of Wentworth they provide a surprisingly comfortable ambience, attractive #77 DENIGRATING baristas and – most importantly – reliably good coffee that’s cheap and comes in large REVUES doses. But take it from me, their pasta is atrocious. Maybe I just got a bad crop, but the pesto pasta I endured a few weeks ago was a triumph of disappointment: chewy, It’s revue season! Six glorious weeks of bland and somehow acidic. Not one to be repeated. student comedy.

But better yet? This is Sushi: Anywhere on Campus 4 your cue to hold uni When the Japanese invented sushi, they did not intend for it to be served as a students to the same congealed mass of funky-tasting unidentifiable ‘fish’ loosely rolled some time earlier standards as professional in the week, and while they may spend their weekends harpooning some deliciously theatre companies. illegal whales, surely this is no way to seek payback. If you’re willing to subject Should they fail, it yourself to this, the culinary equivalent of Russian Roulette, you deserve everything is your prerogative you get. to heckle without mercy, criticise without remorse and compare them unfavourably to the same revue two The Meat Box: Uni Brothers years ago, which the record will prove Alright, I’ve never actually eaten a Meat Box from Uni Brothers but with a name as 3 you thought equally crap. appetising as that I probably never will. I mean, how often have you found yourself sitting in a mid-morning lecture thinking, “You know what I could go for right now? Remember, if the guy in the back A big box of various meats.” If you have, chances are you’re either some sort of corner misses a turn in a dance in a ravenous wolf-man or Sam Neill, in which case knock yourself out. meaningless couplet of the last song, Fred Astaire is pirouetting in his grave. Guitarist fudges a chord? Back to the pub circuit with you. Forgetting a line Assorted Turkish Bread Sandwiches: USU outlets 2 in a skit? Hell hath no fury like an Sometimes you’re in a rush, low on funds or just happen to find yourself separated audience half-entertained. from the rest of civilisation at either Bosch or Engineering and all you want is a sandwich, so, despite your best instincts, you find yourself taking a chance on a USU Heckling sandwich. Don’t. These concrete spheres of stale bread are a vacuum of taste and Trust us, we’ve heard it all. Yelling inspiration, and will leave you feeling a combination of stomach cramps and regret “Line!” when someone draws a blank. for not forking out another dollar or two for a baguette from the Law School café. Crying “Wanker” under cover of blinding lights. Screaming “Make me a sammich” in Women’s Revue. AIDS Vittoria Coffee: USU Coffee Carts 1 jokes in Queer Revue. Yes, you’re a At uni, there are three type of coffee drinkers: those who see coffee as a religion and douche. You might as well be a clever will gladly wait in line at the Law School for hours for a drop of Campos goodness; one. However, heckling Engineering those who just want something satisfying, cheap and quick can be found at Zabelli’s Revue is an honoured institution or Azzuri’s; and those who enjoy drinking brewed gutter water that has been boiled to the point of revue veterans to an inch of evaporation and coloured with something brown that may or may not be improvising skits around predicted coffee. The USU held a referendum on Fair Trade coffee last semester, but maybe heckles. This was best recalled in it’s time for a referendum on whether to serve actual coffee. the immortal 2009 “Dude, Where’s My Pants?” sketch in which the protagonist took ten minutes to find Lend Lease has recently reconstituted its his pants. This was largely attributed original concept plan for Barangaroo, to the community-minded heckler that bare concrete slate that sits next to who threw his own pants onto the the finger wharves largely out of view, stage with the intention of concluding and, aside from the odd cruise ship, out the skit. Out of spite, the skit went of use. The development of Barangaroo on for another ten minutes. Pick your is our chance to define the future of battles. our city. Few global cities have the rare Ian Mack discusses the proposed opportunity to re-imagine the heart of A proposed development plan for the Barangaroo site. General Criticism As a student parting with $12-$20 of developments at the heart of our city. their metropolis. Excuse my use of cliché, Urban consolidation of this kind often your hard-earned Youth Allowance but this gem in the heart of Sydney may presents a neutral, lifeless, ghostly Feeling cramped? That’s no surprise. you are entitled to a flawless potentially be the site of towering new streetscape that is often devoid of vitality commercial residential high-rises rather production. This comes in the form The Emerald City has fallen victim or energy. than an open public space from which the of: choreography; sustained hilarity to the will of the major property of skits; quality of music; jokes which city may breathe. Places of interaction, escape and developers. For too long, local councils are entirely topical; what movie expression should be cherished. Urban and the state government have wilfully soundtracks the band plays in between An image of salivating, glaring-eyed consolidation has had its way with the accepted the money presented by those pieces; how hot the person is in the developers desperately clutching to one CBD and surrounding inner city, and developers keen to squeeze as much as seat allocated next to you; glossiness of of the last pieces of unique harbour I believe that it is imperative that we they can out of a particular piece of the programs; ethnic diversity of cast foreshore comes to mind. move forward on a unique opportunity land. members; a sufficiently nasal, poncy to provide the city, its workers and Questions about the sustainability of tone of the cast member assigned to Have a look around your local area. its residents such a desirable piece of quality of life should be more hotly play Kevin Rudd; a quality and easily Precious and rare open public spaces harbour foreshore. contested within public arena than they identifiable pun in the revue title; and have disappeared sequentially, prime currently are. Competing views have enough Abbott jokes to make one vote land has been snapped up and quality of To ignore the modified development plan been ‘accommodated’ and ‘considered’ Liberal out of sympathy. life has taken a massive blow. that currently threatens Barangaroo, to by Lend Lease, but largely dismissed not contest or debate it, is to sit idly by as in the modification of their original Anything less deserves castigation in Put simply, I believe the state of our our city is developed in a manner that is concept plan that won them the tender. Honi and The Bull. city is no more defined than through its inconsistent with the sustainability of our Although Lend Lease has argued that Tim Whelan open public spaces and the conflicts over city’s quality of life. height increases to proposed buildings will the retention of open public space must See page 10 for this year’s mean revue create a better public realm, the sacrifice For Sydney’s sake, head back to the receive the focus they once did. reviews. to culture of place cannot go unnoticed. drawing board. 7 Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney STUFF USYD STUDENTS LIKE THE GAUNTLET CHALLENGE: GOING WITHOUT INTERNET FOR ONE WEEK. SRC Elections 2010

It began innocuously enough. After a intermediate family (aunts, cousins and tawdry debacle of a lunch, featuring the like) a call. The conversations always Postal Voting completely not-kosher (in both a religious started with the somewhat ambiguous and Guy Ritchie film sense) cold pork, phrase “what a pleasant surprise” but a conversation turned to the merits of proper verbal exchange always trumps a Application Form various cold meats. After talk of the few malformed witticisms on Facebook Italian deli selection (salami, pepperoni) chat. I did have a few withdrawal had subsided, my friend uttered the symptoms from The Sun’s relentless momentous words: “cold turkey”. While punditry, but thankfully the SMH I was happy to entertain discussion delivered with a fleet of “Hayne Plane” of cranberries and cress, he made the jibes. treacherous leap of connotation: we POSTAL VOTING should go “cold turkey” from our most However, as the days wore on, things If you wish to vote in the 2010 SRC elections but are unable to damaging vice for a week. were less than easy-httpeasy. I found vote EITHER on polling days Wednesday 22nd or Thursday 23rd myself increasingly marginalised in September at any of the advertised locations, OR on pre-polling Although pop culture abounds with conversation because I was unable to day (on main campus) Tuesday 21st September, then you may apply these kind of arrangements and their offer an opinion on the best Facebook for a postal vote. inevitable pitfalls (Seinfeld’s “The Test”) sabotage of the last 48 hours, or join and pratfalls (Josh Harnett in 40 Days and in a rendition of World’s Greatest Cry Fill in this form and send it to: 40 Nights), to my swine-addled brains, it (Remix). I felt there was a cruel irony Electoral Officer seemed like a good idea at the time. to my plight. In my effort to throw off the tendrils of the world wide web and Sydney University Students’ Representative Council The thing is, my friend is a self-confessed be more social, my ability to engage in PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. World of Warcraft tragic, and I thought social activities had been compromised. I a week of not having to listen to his sought solace with my fellow turkey, but Please note: postal vote applications MUST BE RECEIVED AND fellow WOWers shouting unintelligibly his room was deadlocked and a cry of IN OUR PO BOX by Friday the 24th of August at 4.30pm or they through tinny laptop speakers in a “You shall not pass the 2400 Hp” came will not be considered. No exceptions. language that seems to consist entirely from within. of Lord of the Rings quotes and the model You may use a photocopy of this form. names of electronic devices [deep Unwilling to break my vow but spiralling breath] would be a little bit blissful. My deeper into paranoia and isolation, I Name of applicant: friend, though reluctant, agreed, on the resorted to single-clicking the Mozilla Firofox icon on my desktop and setting condition I go without internet for a Student Card Number: week. up elaborate combinations of items around my mouse. If one particular Faculty/Year: Although I put on a rather pained item was disturbed by an external force, expression, I honestly thought that a chain of events would be triggered, going without the internet would be ultimately resulting in the mouse button Phone Number: ( ) quite manageable. Expressing my being pressed. Sadly, no machina, deus, internet usage in percentage terms, it homo or otherwise, came to my aid and Email: would break down something like this: I whiled away the final day in the eerie 25% Youtube, 10% Footytube, 5% half-darkness of my room, leaving only Mobile: miscellaneous tubes, 5% checking if for mealtimes. anything interesting has happened in I hereby apply for a postal vote for the 2010 SRC elections. I declare my life, 20% discovering interesting I awoke on the eighth day buoyant, that I am unable to attend a polling booth on any of the polling things have happened in other people’s propelled joyously into consciousness by days, OR on any of the pre-polling days, for the following reason: lives, 3% Wiki-racing and 2% Reading my reclaimed freedom. The unremitting (please be specific. Vague or facetious reasons will not be accepted. the electoral the headlines on The Sun.co.uk. As for glow of my monitor beamed down on officer must under section 20(a) of the election Regulation consider that the stated the other 30%, I cite that song in Avenue me like a benediction, and I prostrated reason justifies the issuing of a postal vote.) Q in my defense. None of this is really myself before my digital god. With essential to the healthy functioning of unbridled fervour I first attempted an average 20 year-old. Furthermore, to log on to Facebook, was told that I had no assessments due for the week, my account had been attacked by so Blackboard and WebCT would be an four IPs from South Korea, changed even more distant speck on the horizon. my password and punched the Enter key. Four notifications. Four fucking Sure enough, the first day or so was notifications. Surely I’m worth more relatively painless. I discovered that than “Randall McRandom just answered there is more to the Sydney Morning Herald a question about you.” than eight or nine sports pages and Signature: reacquainted myself with that much- As I stare at the grinning visage and maligned medium, the book. I even humorous pose that I thought would Please send voting papers to the following address: gave a few elicit at least two likes from my “friend” members list, my cursor hovers over the “delete of my account” button. Then I see the FB chat State: Postcode: bar light up. “Hey mate. Wassssup? You gotta check this out”. The cursor dives I require a copy of the election edition of Honi Soit: YES / NO for the hyperlink. The browser switches tabs. I can stop using the internet whenever. Right now, there are more For more information contact important things to do. Paulene Graham, Electoral Officer 02 9660 5222

Joe Smith-Davies

Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au 8 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com

Being a Music Festival Junkie the excess of sniffer dogs making it hard time, talk about how progressive your for you to get any of your “stuff ” in, parents were. Or just run. The Background and grieving the loss of “authenticity” The community of dance music festival- and “underground focus” now that Give praise to one or two acts on the goers operates much like a cult. They authority that is derived from your vast said festival has become “so fucking lineup. Who to champion, you ask? ritualistically and collectively worship experience. It isn’t enough, however, to commercial man”. Read the ranked list of performers, and certain leaders; their mind-control simply say you “don’t like (X) DJ”. Your select one from about halfway down. practices of listening to repetitive mantras ambiguous and obscure “knowledge” is Finishing touches “Erol Alkan will be huge this year, he’s are considered strange; and they partake what will impress. As the climate warms up, start to increase totally reinvigorated the European dance in mass, simultaneous consumption of the general rotation of your festival attire landscape.” For bonus points, combine a unhealthy substances. In the absence Always criticise the music of the biggest in day-to-day clothing. Let your singlets standard genre with a left-field adjective of divine inspiration, your only hope of acts – popularity is so yesterday. Try, become looser, hats less functional and and you’ve got yourself the latest trend in gaining access to this cult is through a “X probably peaked in the late 90s, his eyewear more cumbersome and face- dance music: “I’m really looking forward meticulously constructed persona. And latest material is just derivative, far too concealing. to his set, I’ve been getting into a lot of as the season of summer festivals fast mainstream and pop focused.” Oblique (euphoric trance/violent electro/dirty approaches, what better time to throw references to having seen said act live Should anyone happen to want to look French techno-pop) lately”. If someone on an oversized pair of sunglasses, turn before is sure to give weight to your at your iPod, be prepared. Put together asks you to elaborate, defer to the classic up the BPM, and get in touch with your otherwise completely baseless assertion. a selection of the summer festivals’ “you wouldn’t understand” evasion inner raver. The more obscure and exclusive the offerings, erase the “Date Added” technique. location, the less likely you are to get information on iTunes, get the playcounts The basics caught. “Well, I saw X play at a trance high, and then turn the hypocrisy up to Beyond the music, it is essential that one Essential to the façade of festival festival in Antwerp in 1998, and quite 11 as you criticise all the Johnny-come- give the impression they are familiar experience is an air of jaded insouciance. frankly, I just don’t think they’ll ever reach latelys for their previously lame taste. with the experience of a festival. A safe To be impressed by any lineup, rumour those heights again,” is suitable. If anyone bet is always lamenting the “number or particular act is to undermine the points out that you were only 10 at the Joe Payten of inexperienced punters,” bemoaning

Memoirs of an Also, this time I forgot to send in a letter entered the waiting room where several Finally my number was called, and I excusing myself from jury duty. Shiiiiit. hundred of my fellow citizens were approached the wardens of the hallowed almost-juror already assembled. No one spoke but halls of justice. Once resigned to my fate, however, I their eyes seemed to say “Here we are, Anusha Rutnam grasped the scales of began to get quite excited about the here is humanity, this is civilisation.” “You in Uni hun?” justice in her hands. Nearly. prospect of joining with my peers to “Yes.” During the five years I’ve spent doing my partake in our civic duty. I began thinking The mood was only slightly dampened “It’s alright, love, you can go home, I’ll three-year Arts degree, I have been on the back to The Oresteia, Aeschylus’ trilogy of by Channel 9’s Today program blaring just stamp your form.” run from the law. Yes, the Sheriff ’s Office Greek tragedies that shows the creation of instructions on how best to store left-over set its sights on me when I was green as the first trial by jury. Would I play Athena cupcakes (“In a box!”). Shiiiit. trees, in my first year of uni. What was I and cast the deciding vote? to do? I was too young to know right from I wondered, will I be able to look into NB. Uni students can get out of jury duty with wrong. So I ran. And I’ve been running I walked into Sydney’s Downing St the eyes of the accused, knowing that I a letter citing the demands of study. But don’t be ever since, escaping the long arm of the District Court bearing the burden of controlled his fate: freedom or the chair shit, you should do it at some point. law for five years. But sometimes you just the knowledge that today, I might hold (the chair in a prison cell). get tired of running, you know? a man’s life in my hands. Solemnly I

STOP SAYING THAT Life’/The Monarchic Hierarchy of Denmark. writers got distracted by a butterfly or, more likely, one of Elton John’s ornate YOU'RE EMBARRASSING Actually no, we wouldn’t have to agree capes, and plain gave up on the whole YOURSELF: with that at all. If you ask a year 10 adaptation malarkey. English student for a reading of Hamlet THE LION KING IS HAMLET they will tell you that at its core, it’s a Alright smartarse, I’ve sat here and listened to this What You Say play about an existential crisis, resulting for long enough. Here’s my ace in the hole: Timon The Lion King is basically the plot to in fatal indecision. You barely have a and Pumba = Roz and Guil. What say you to Hamlet. chance to open your Maltesers before that? our plucky young Prince learns that his Why You Say It father was murdered by Claudius, and Okie Doke. You’re obviously the kind Because you want to mention that you’ve the rest of the play is him dicking about of person who doesn’t have time to say thought about the plot of Hamlet, but it’s deciding what to do about it. The Lion ‘ensrantz’ and ‘enstern’ so we’ll cut not polite to directly say so. And besides, King, on the other hand, has no such straight to the chase. Yes, they are both problem, because Simba doesn’t know you ain’t no academic elitist! A cartoon certainly two pairs of characters who do pretty cantankerous. Although… Simba that his uncle did anything wrong; in fact, and Shakespeare? Who is this maniac some things. And there the similarities never accidentally mauls Zazu through he blames himself. Plus, the moment he who so brazenly smashes through these end. Remember that scene in The Lion a curtain of jungle vines because in his does learn the truth (while the prince is paradigms of high and low art?! Look King, right after Simba meets Tim & Pum existential madness, he believes it’s Scar. out Crusty Old Professor Pemberton, hanging from a rock, Scar whispers in his (there you go), when Scar pays them ear “I killed Mufasa”, unwisely) Simba there’s a new teach in town, and he’s got a to spy on and murder him, only Simba Okay. What about this? “Circle of Life”, promptly leaps up and throws him to his tattoo and everything! catches wind and has them killed first? “Wheel of Fire”!? death. Say what you like about Simba, No? Well we guess that’s because that he is one talking lion that gets results and Why You’re Wrong never happened in the Disney classic. Oh, That’s King Lear (remade by Disney as The gets them fast. Because The Lion King is as much Hamlet and while we’re here, who could forget Emperors New Groove). as Ghostbusters is Macbeth. And even if it that magic scene in Hamlet where the Okay, sure there are plot differences, but it’s was the intention of the good people at tragic prince and Ophelia sing of their You know what man, it’s just a kids movie, okay? Disney to re-imagine the most profoundly entirely acceptable that Disney just gave it a love to each other beneath a waterfall? happy ending. However, in terms of characters, incisive play ever written, complete with Don’t feel bad if you don’t remember, You started this, you hypothetical wanker it’s pretty hard to argue that Simba isn’t Hamlet, a wisecracking meerkat and flatulent because that also never happened; the we invented! Now leave our party and Mufasa isn’t Hamlet Snr, Scar isn’t Claudius, warthog, they either failed dismally or closest Ophelia ever gets to having some take your Peronis with you! Mind the Sarabi isn’t Gertrude, and Nala isn’t Ophelia! So gave up very quickly. So you should stop aquatic japes what when she drowns in a door doesn’t catch your scarf. saying they did. Because they didn’t. And how can you – pond. Hakuna Matata. you’re embarrassing yourself. Can I at least take my guitar? Alright, we’ll stop you there. No one here Well – is disputing that both texts feature a royal Fine. But you’d have to agree that both No. We’re keeping it. protagonists have to deal with the murder of their family and scheming uncle who murders Wait, don’t tell us… Zazu is Polonius? the King. This much we agree with. Our father, and their rightful place in ‘The Circle of Well we guess you’re right, they are both Ben Jenkins argument is that it was at this point the The Profile 9 Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be Monica Connors hits on the controversialJohn Australian comedian. SaFran “ ho the hell would have a Eurasian filmed for the show, which saw him win the on earth.” Despite his Wfetish?” asks the lisping voice on the people’s choice vote. As part of his audition intentions to create other end of the phone line. “Maybe you’d tape, Safran cited “Love- the boy-meets-girl a thought-provoking have an Asian fetish but only John Safran type”, as the most important thing in his series, “I just end up would overthink things so much that he’d life. Indeed, Safran speaks right to my heart. pissing off the world”. have a half-Asian half-Caucasian fetish!” He says his answer hasn’t changed since the He adds the thing he show but quickly adds that he didn’t “mean most regrets: “When As I am a Eurasian with a bad case of that in a Julia Gillard way.” things are taken the pasty Jew fever, I have had a not-so-secret wrong way.” crush on the fearless John Safran for quite It was much earlier than this, however, that a while. So as I speak to the self described Safran began to take an interest in religion. Safran’s chutzpah and his “video raconteur”, I can’t help being a The late comedian Lenny Bruce once said, apparent combination little disappointed by Safran’s admission “When you’re eight years old, nothing is of neurosis and that he and his production team thought any of your business.” This is a rather apt boldness are what that having a Eurasian fetish would be a expression for the young John Safran, who, makes his work so in second grade, began to ask questions unique. He often funny joke for his latest television series, Safran (left) in black-face and (above) being crucified. Scandalous! Race Relations. Safran clarifies that it wasn’t that no one could answer. While Safran admits in interviews side of things like ‘Oh are we a racist “so much about lying”, but “more about was told that “On the first day God created to being attracted to devil characters: community cause we tell our children not excluding information”. I guess the same the heavens and the earth”, he wondered, “Creatively, if you just put aside everyone’s to date non-Jews?’, like that’s provocative rules applied to my match.com boyfriend. “Well, what happened the day before that? feelings or the consequences – they’re in a way that ‘God doesn’t exist’ isn’t.” He Did God have parents?” Big questions such freaking amazing. Imagine if your average says it is a “shameless lie” when the Jewish Race Relations was an eight-part series which as these are typically pondered by black film, song, TV show or painting, could community pretend they have no issue screened on ABC last year and saw Safran turtleneck- wearing intellectuals who smoke encapsulate those sorts of emotions and put with dating other ethnic groups. Clearly “get busy with cross-cultural love,” in his clove cigarettes and listen to jazz, not a nice them in there. It would be compelling.” this is an issue Safran of which has first- own words. Using his own life experiences, Jewish boy on his way home from Sunday hand experience, and despite the sustained he created a nearly autobiographical School. However, if his television and radio Despite their controversial nature, Safran’s Eurasian fetish joke, elements of Race examination of the difficulties of cross- shows have taught us anything, John Safran shows are undoubtedly emotive and Relations are undeniably autobiographical. cultural and inter-faith relationships. is no ordinary Jewish boy. compelling. As big a fan as I am, I need to Over the course of the series, he donned work up to asking him about what I have With conversation turning more academic, blackface, dressed up as a ladyboy in Proof of this is in the kosher pudding, so found to be the most confronting scene of Safran sounds regretful as he describes the Thailand, made out with a girl in Anne to speak. While investigating “religion and any of his shows. This scene transpires in briefness of his stint at university, studying all things ethnic”, Safran’s Race Relations and features Safran and his journalism at RMIT before dropping out. “I kind of lose the plot a bit and just various adventures have two best friends taking part in a Kabbalah “At university, your mind’s really open to included creating a Jewish ritual. He digs up the plot next to his all these different ways of thinking and sort of take it too far... I just end up boy band, having a fatwa mother’s grave and recites a Jewish prayer different philosophies and there are just all pissing off the whole world.” placed on Rove McManus, in an attempt to find out “whether my mum these lunatics on campus with their different dancing Footloose-style in cares if I marry a Jew or not”. Apparently political agendas you get to learn about. It’s a synagogue, placing a Safran’s mother, who died in 2003, was really cool.” It was at university that Safran voodoo curse on an ex- keen for him to marry a Jewish woman, as indulged his love of music and created the girlfriend, streaking in Jerusalem, being are his friends and family. Safran is almost hip-hop group Raspberry Cordial. He says assaulted by Ray Martin, trying to join the blasé. “There’s slight theatrics involved with he “was really passionate about it and really Ku Klux Klan, being nominated for an what I do,” he says. “Dad doesn’t really get tried so hard” and in an interview with ARIA and masturbating in a priest’s bed. offended by things like that”. It is not the Andrew Denton in 2002, Safran attributed Safran has gone places and done things answer I was expecting but most things with the group’s lukewarm success to one fact: outside the realm of possibility for, well, Safran are not. Oy vey. “The world wasn’t ready for white rappers.” almost anyone, but he maintains he is motivated to create shows that his audience Growing up in Melbourne’s East St Kilda Today Safran still lives in an “insane will enjoy. “Like a lot of people,” Safran (or “Jewtown 3183”, as he calls it), Safran furry hatted Jew area” of East St Kilda says, “you feel like you want to be doing counted the Beastie Boys, Mad Magazine and in Melbourne. He is cryptic about his something positive”. his “lateral thinking” friends amongst his future plans. “This is where I have to start Frank’s attic, and sniffed a Pussycat Doll’s strongest childhood influences. He says that talking like a politician and be like Kevin underpants. Oh, and he was crucified in the Critics often claim that Safran’s enthusiasm he was creative through “a bit of a trouble Rudd on Lateline,” he says. “I’m working Philippines. Needless to say, Safran’s work goes too far. He agrees that while in maker”. Even though his parents “aren’t on a few things, I kind of have to ‘cause I often conjures controversy and is enjoyed production he is in a “bit of a bubble” and really ultra-orthodox”, Safran was sent don’t have a back-up plan.” He does admit mostly left-leaning Arts degree types. is often “really worried that things aren’t to the small Jewish orthodox high school that in the future he really wants “to do a Despite his prankster and what has been going to be funny or interesting.” As a Yeshivah College because, by his own film but you’ve kinda got to go where the described as “professional naughty boy” consequence, he admits, “I kind of lose the admission, he was “really lazy and didn’t ideas take you”. Safran keeps busy hosting image, off-camera and off-mike it turned plot a bit and just sort of take it too far.” work hard”. Even though it was “religiously a weekly radio show with Catholic priest out that Safran was endearing, insightful Rather than being concerned with reigning strict”, Safran says his high school years Father Bob Maguire and enjoying regular and generous with his time. in his thoughts, Safran says that instead he were also very liberal. “Lots of the teachers Scrabble games (he proudly tells me he has is concerned with the flipside- “thinking the were like missionaries and rabbis from New achieved two of what Scrabble enthusiasts Turning 38 a few weeks ago and with four other way, like, oh man, everyone’s seen The York so it was a bit of that loud-mouth New call Nirvana, the triple triple score). He is a Australian Film Institute Awards and two Chaser do this or are people going to think York culture,” he says. “You didn’t get in keen Twitter user. His profile describes him other documentary series, John Safran vs God I’ve just ripped off Tropic Thunder by going trouble for being a smart alec for, you know, as “your ex-boyfriend”. I wish. and Music Jamboree, already under his belt, black face.” questioning things”. Safran is hardly a late bloomer. In 1997, at John Safran will be at Manning Bar for the Comedy the young age of 25, Safran first made his Like The Chaser, however, Safran’s exploits With such an ultra-religious school & Culture Panel at 1pm on August 31. acquaintance with the Australian public. are not for mere shock value but rather are environment, my immediate question is As a contender on the ABC’s Race Around a tool to draw attention to religious and how the school reacted to his shenanigans. You can listen to him on Triple J on Sundays at the World television series, Safran filmed social issues. As part of this technique he Safran says that due to Australia’s secular 9pm. His twitter address is @safran_john. short documentary style stories at different says the show’s creators “relentlessly edited nature, “In this weird way, heaps of Jews locations around the world. Religion was a Race Relations to make it so uncomfortable don’t mind you questioning religious things recurring theme in the travel log videos he and to make me look like the worst person … but when it come to the more cultural ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 10 The Arts Hole www.honisoit.com

Law: How to lose votes and Women's: Ghoul's Night Aggravate People Law Revue opened with a bling-a-licious The excitement and hubbub of the Eight clever women graced the in the semi-nude sketch to a too-soon cover of a Beyoncé classic claiming group dance numbers were nicely Downstairs Theatre of the Seymour reference to Elisabeth Fritzl. And the that with all its recent changes, “USYD complemented by the video parodies of Centre to present a litany of gritty tales video series of “political incidents of looking so crazy right now.” The song’s MasterChef, Man vs World and Australian of womanhood for this year’s Women’s sasquatchery” appeared as an inside ending, a downpour of dollar bills, fitted Story, my favourite being the latter with its Revue. With verbose dialogue and a joke which didn’t quite translate from the pattern of sketches which seemed to Muffin Man lament. And Reuben Ray’s touch of self-reflexivity, they embarked its perhaps drunken inspiration to be included solely to parade the show’s a capella tribute to Australia’s dismal on a journey which mocked literature, worthwhile inclusion in the show. It has cash flow. Nonetheless, the show was performance in sport over the past year historical events and personalities, and to be said that Damiya Hayden’s Eliza pretty hilarious. was superb. various university factions. Doolittle-esque portrayal of “everybody’s favourite cockney abortionist” Vera Drake The Law kids embarked on a no-holds- While there were perhaps a tad too But the show entitled Ghoul’s Night had every audience member cringing as barred explosion of sketches parodying a many groan-worthy puns, the show certainly lived up to its name. The she was dragged of the stage singing,“Just range of topics, from international crises was slick, the sketches punchy and the evening was filled with dead-and-buried you wait little foetus, just you wait!” In to Hollywood blockbusters to campus performances overall pretty great. It jokes that resurfaced with innards flailing, terms of pushing the envelope this was security to Miranda Devine. The real ended with the cast transformed into and served only to haunt the audience, certainly a success. highlight was the clever weaving of our the seagull victims of the BP oil spill, being more pain-inducing than funny. current political situation into a musical. but apart from the vibrant costumes, the With multiple groans resulting from their The show was salvaged by the Our future lawyers brought back their closing number seemed anti-climactic to lazy punch-lines, these girls seemed to use outstanding performance of Catherine best Rock Eisteddfod enthusiasm and what had been such an energy-filled show. the stage as a platform to celebrate their Holbeche’s endearing portrayal of facial spasms for a montage of Aussie hits inner-nerd with sketches involving World Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Had they covering the rise and fall of Kevin Rudd Elise Fabris of Warcraft, The Lord of the Rings and the included more bizarre flights-of-fancy like and the eve of this year’s federal election. over-parodied Twilight saga. this, the show would have been far more enjoyable. Many of the jokes had been told before, from an overtly sexual Nigella Lawson Elise Fabris

The on-campus buzz surrounding this year’s (Kaldor) singing, “Have you forgotten my Women’s Revue was painfully awkward. undulated from the dead boring “Great Law Revue was quite spectacular. Sadly, achievements like Sorry, and My School, and The sketches were innocuous and the Moments in Political Sasquatchery” several of the skits were oddly familiar: the sorry for My School?”. jokes humourless. Much like the model videos to the intentionally shocking “Britt opening aboriginal deeds skit, which was aeroplane kit you once got in a show bag, it Lapthorne Under the Sea” skit. remarkably similar to a scene from the The cast was committed and consistently had all the parts necessary to make it work television series John Safran vs God; the Rudd funny. Weenie Tidmarsh’s very witty “I’m but due to clumsy fingers, it fell apart in no With stark staging, the small cast wore vs Turnbull rap seemed to have borrowed Mrs White Lies” number, in which she sent time at all. thick make-up and black clothes and had from Keating! The Musical, and the “Kosher up clerkship interviewees, and Geoffrey few costume changes. The performers is the same as Halal” lyrics resembled those Winter’s inspired performance as Peter The second number was a rap to the spent too much offstage, leaving the of a Tim Minchin song. Call it déjà vu, call Garrett, complete with spasmodic dance tune of Katy Perry’s “California Girls”, audience in darkness. The situation did it a Matrix-esque “glitch”, or call it breach of moves, were highlights. The seven-piece welcoming the audience to the biggest not improve much when performers were copyright, the sketches were funny but not band were B-A-N-A-N-A-S. congregation of “monsters, freaks and onstage: lines were forgotten and too many entirely new. illegitimates outside Canberra”. It was sketches were reduced to improv. While Law Revue was worth $20, even if only to enjoyable but left me wondering what the there were flashes of brilliance, I felt that Nevertheless, Antony Faisandier and Tom find out just what men do when women and petite lead rapper Catherine Holbeche was licking a battery, living in the Gaza Strip or Kaldor directed a slick production in How children are evacuated from sinking ships doing up past her bedtime. even listening to a Nickleback CD would to Lose Votes and Aggravate People. The political first: strip down to their glittering briefs and have been more fun than watching Ghoul’s theme was perfectly timed with the election be fabulous. Actress Lucille Ball once said, “I’m not Night. and wildly appreciated by the audience. funny, I’m brave”, and the same sentiment The high-energy, musical numbers were Monica Connors applied to Women’s Revue. I commend The high points of the show came from very clever. I particularly enjoyed Rudd director Damiya Hayden for considering Callie Henderson’s numbers. The girl sang no topic out of bounds, with sketches like a diva and I just wished that the rest of relating to the Apple brand, abortion, the cast had the same energy. Twilight, the Loch Ness monster, incest survivors and boat people. But the sketches Monica Connors

dancers’ bodies at the slightest impact. I realised that I enjoyed watching male STAGE Of earth and sky dancers more than females. Whether Daniel Zwi gets back to basics. into a kind of trance as I watched the my preference was due to their strength It wasn’t without hesitation that I arrived troupe of twenty dancers negotiate the enabling them to adopt more acrobatic at The Playhouse to watch Bangarra stage; dressed in minimal, earth-coloured positions, or my own repressed sexuality, Dance Theatre’s new production, Of outfits, (loin cloths were involved) was a question that worried (occupied?) Earth and Sky. I had never been to a moving organically and abstractly to me throughout the interval. professional dance production before- the electronic soundscapes of musical were its nuances going to be lost on me? director, David Page. Artefacts was also based on the indigenous How would I partake in the post-show relationship with the Australian bush. banter? Would I appreciate it for all the Of Earth and Sky is comprised of projected a large feather on the screen, It opened with an acute – and cute - wrong reasons, or worse - find myself two works: Riley, choreographed by with the dancers leaving a trail of feathers depiction of a possum, but by far my bored stiff and fidget constantly, exposing Daniel Riley McKinley, and Artefacts, as they moved in slow, jagged paths like favourite scene was when the dancers myself as a dance-virgin, a disgraced choreographed by Frances Rings. The wounded birds. donned black cat suits and became ants, greenhorn, a philistine? former was based around various symbols picking up a 10-metre long piece of bark of the indigenous Australian experience, One particularly striking scene involved and scuttling across the stage beneath Such were my thoughts as I took my which were shown against a blue sky on a just two male dancers; one balanced on it. It was Of Earth and Sky’s portrayal of seat. Yet I needn’t have worried. Of large screen at the back of the stage. As a the others’ thighs and shoulders as they recognisable aspects of the natural world Earth and Sky was primeval; it engaged locust appeared, the dancers became the merged into some kind of angel-animal- that held my attention, and enabled me you on an instinctual level, regardless of insects themselves, swarming gracefully man. The harsh lights picked up the to emerge from The Playhouse feeling not your knowledge of the medium. I sank across stage in unison. Another section powdered chalk as it billowed from the like a dance rookie but a bona fide expert. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 11 SCREEN The Expendables OM NOM NOM Hannah Lee sees too much braun and not enough brains. Bloodwood With enough muscle, explosions and guns Expendables. Ross is the leader in a team of to the cheesy lines that come after. Lucy Bradshaw is O so positive. to annihilate the interests of a female mercenaries who are offered five million But minus the awesome action stunts audience, The Expendables is strictly for dollars to overthrow a dictator and a (the pyrotechnics of the film weren’t lovers of hard action films reminiscent rogue-CIA operative who is funding computer-generated! They were real!), the of the 80s, and those who admire an corruption and injustice in the small story isn’t compelling enough to impress, ensemble cast featuring the likes of Jason country-island of Vilena. While the job the characters could have been stronger Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy seems easy enough at first, the team (not physically), and the camaraderie Couture, Mickey Rourke and of course, soon find themselves up against serious within the team could have been more You may well have heard of Bloodwood. the writer and director of the film itself, competition and an old teammate seeking charismatic and humorous. Many Sydneysiders would have, Sylvester Stallone. For those who question vengeance. considering the crowd queuing for a everything they watch and can’t stand Having said that, if dumb storylines don’t much-coveted table in this Newtown pitiful one-liners, spend your money After an influx of fantasy films and phase you and a generous amount of restaurant, not to mention the extensive elsewhere. thrillers that don’t handle action with blood and old-school action heroes turn publicity that led them there. The good straightforward storylines and senseless you on, I’d say this film should be at the ol’ SMH and yuppie bible Time Out have Despite the fact that Stallone is well- violence, The Expendables brings back the top of your list. been waxing lyrical about this place for ready for grandpahood, nothing slows joys of simply watching someone get a a while now, but I can’t help but wonder down Barney Ross, his character in The knife stuck in their neck and listening Release Date: August 12th, 2010 whether their praise derives simply from the shock of finding a culinary diamond do semi-regular DJ sets, one can only in the rough, hidden under Newtown’s hope that they find some time in Australia overload of Pad See Ew and hemp. But SOUNDS Hot Chip to enjoy and critique our local nightlife. can Bloodwood really live up to the hype? Perhaps in between sets at Woodford? Declan Dickinson chats with a UK delicacy. I arrive, eager to find its flaws. Yes, the A lot has happened over the last six years a hotel on the way over advertising “$5 As an album One Life Stand doesn’t décor’s trying a bit hard, with brightly- to the now five-piece London based outfit Steak and Chips, Conditions apply.” break any new ground musically and painted bits of door dangling all over the Hot Chip. A string of marriages, line-up and had spent the better part of the subsequently doesn’t leave much to talk ceiling, lit by the requisite postmodern changes and even children have affected morning giggling in the back of the cab about. You can expect to hear their naked light-bulb. Add that to its the band’s sound. Band member Owen like a pair of fifteen year old school girls usual house-inspired synth pop with multicultural menu and environmentalist Clarke admits this maturing process contemplating what those conditions that ever present tinge of disco, which name (taken, naturally, from a species hasn’t gone unnoticed and explains, “It’s could have been. Perhaps it’s some sort characterised their album Made in the Dark of eucalypt), and Bloodwood fits pretty just a new direction [for the band].” of in joke, you know, every time they (2008). As with other Hot Chip albums, snugly within the Inner West stereotype. There is a certain level of self-conscious see anything advertising Hot Chip… Alexis Taylor’s trademark melancholy But at the end of the day, it’s a bloody domesticity to the new album One Life no, that’s stupid, it was probably just singing style works well, especially good place. Stand, but this is no surprise when you the partying, yeah. After all “We’re on tracks Thieves In The Night and the consider the band members’ personal celebrating for five,” smirks Clarke, with single One Life Stand. The group even The food may seem a tad disparate, with lives. Fans of Joe Goddard, co-founder, some semblance of humour peeking experiments with auto-tune, that old plates coming in various sizes (though keyboardist and vocalist of the band, through his dark black wayfarers. He chestnut, and while this serves to break never very large) from various cuisines, were disappointed to find out he would is of course referring to the remaining up the monotony of the rest of the album but it ultimately forms a solid shared-plate be unable to join the electro act on tour. unmarried members of the band. it really does end up sounding something melting-pot sort of meal. The polenta After joining fellow Hot Chip parent and like an experiment. But all in all the chips with gorgonzola sauce ($9) are the co-founder Alexis Taylor in conversation, But partying is nothing new for the boys album delivers what it promises. perfect starter, followed by an impressive Clarke explains ,“He had too many whose songs have been remixed by a charcuterie plate ($28) and the superb daddy duties to come on tour with us.” multitude of British DJs and producers. When asked about whether this might be socca ($25), a pizza-esque chickpea The band can also boast having done their last visit to Australia neither Owen pancake plumped up with pumpkin, dill Perhaps this is why when Clarke and collaborations with many of the U.K.’s nor Felix were able to, perhaps even and Persian fetta. Switching continents, Felix Martin showed up more than most popular dance acts including Wiley wanted to, give a straight forward answer. we try an odd-sounding but delicious half an hour late for this interview (remember that 2008 club anthem But as the original founders of the group fried bean curd roll, stuffed with crab and the morning after their Sydney show “Wearing My Rolex?” Yeah? Well begin to embrace family life after hopping rolled in pork ($15), and head back to with fellow brit-lectro artists LCD you can thank Hot Chip for that one). on the back of long time friends LCD Europe via simple yet divine mushrooms Soundsystem, they were both reluctant Known for frequenting many of London’s Soundsystem’s last tour ever, this might be baked in red wine ($17) and paprika- to remove their sunglasses. According most famous night-spots including the Australia’s last chance to see one of this flecked garlic prawns ($25). to their tour manager they had passed infamous club Fabrik where the fivesome decades most popular artists perform. The food is decidedly interesting and This year, the keynote conversation from Marnie’s 17-year old son: “Why are moreishly good, making Bloodwood a was with Megan Stack, an American you such a sick fuck?” dependable, atmospheric place with a PAGES journalist from the LA Times who spoke well-stocked bar and creative flair. It’s not candidly of her experiences covering wars The inevitable low-lights of the festival as cheap as our old friend Thai La-Ong, Byron Bay in Afghanistan, Iraq and Lebanon while included Kathy Lette, who, after but it’s a cut above other Newtown joints, still in her twenties. After a slow start with charming audiences with her gratuitous and while it may be a restaurant designed Writers' fill-in Mungo McCallum, chair Kerry name-dropping and apparently more for the young and monied, don’t O’Brian instantly gripped the audience’s spontaneous witty banter, was heard later disregard it altogether. Bloodwood offers Festival attention with an opening comment on in the festival slipping the exact same lines both a novel and pleasurable dining experience in often-bland suburb – so Jacinta Mulders wroted about the the title of Stack’s book, Every Man In This and anecdotes as responses to completely I guess that makes the rest of the world writey thing. Village Is a Liar… “Oh, so you’ve been different questions. Mungo McCallum to Canberra then?” Needless to say, the similarly could have had a better festival: right. Set among the sunny fields of Byron’s Greens filled audience chortled. after outraging audiences with a comment Bloodwood, 416 King St, Newtown. North Beach, the Byron Bay Writers’ about Julia Gillard and the mining tax No bookings accepted, closed festival is a three-day event held annually Other highlights included Bret Easton (“Well she just came in, lay down and Tuesdays. in early August. Founded 14 years Ellis, author of American Psycho. After opened up her legs”), he was later found ago and organised by the staff and a notoriously disastrous first interview cowering in a corner after having his Committee of the Northern Rivers with the ABC’s Ramona Koval, in which beard pulled by Blanche D’Apuget. genuinely inspiring calibre, making the Writers’ Centre, the festival seeks to Ellis side-stepped Koval’s questions by Allegedly, he’d described her facelift as enthusiasm and insight on display feel a create a forum for the circulation of ideas raging about his new found love for Delta ‘stuck between two floors.’ million miles away from the completely and discussion by bringing in prominent Goodrem, the author finally opened disengaging political environment Australian and international writers for a up on Day 3 with a one-on-one with With so much stimulating content, it’s of recent weeks. Next year’s festival program including panel discussions, one- Simon Marnie. Displaying an off-hand a shame the festival doesn’t attract a comes highly recommended to literary on-one dialogues, workshops and special vulnerability and sharp evasiveness, the younger demographic. The festival enthusiasts and lay people alike. events. question of the session undoubtedly came featured many perceptive speakers of a 12 The Mains Couldn’t care more More than one in twenty people under 25 are young carers, having to support a member of their family with a long-term physical or mental illness. Despite their numbers, the challenges that young carers face on a daily basis are often difficult to talk about and can remain a secret outside the home. Catherine Marks talks to two young carers about balancing growing up, university and their family demands.

Joe* chooses not to tell other people too named Angelina, who has been caring at him weirdly. I just want to say ‘Don’t much about what goes on at home. He is for her mother for the past ten years. judge him. You don’t know him.” Said a high-achieving, third year Arts student Joe, “I think it gives you a different level at Sydney Uni, who likes eating at Thai Angelina is a third year Social Work of empathy.” Angelina expressed similar La-Ong, and if you met him in a tute student at Charles Sturt University. As sentiments: “I think that by being a you would probably never guess that his her mother’s condition has worsened carer I have learnt to be compassionate, life is strikingly different to that of most over the last two years, her caring patient, as well as knowing that I don’t of his classmates. It’s unlikely that you responsibilities have intensified. She come first, ... like the world doesn’t would ever find out that most days he’ll studies by distance education so that revolve around me and what I want to go home and his father will repeatedly every day she can make all meals for do.” Interestingly, both Joe and Angelina ask the same questions such as, “Will you her mother, help her shower, give her have developed clear interests in social be here for dinner?” or that at times Joe medication, make her cups of tea, justice. will come home and his dad will be so do washing and household chores, and be on-call for her mother’s needs I found it surprising that both Joe and “I think I don’t tell people about my caring at all times. Angelina’s mother has a Angelina have chosen not to tell many responsibilities because it is kind of like betraying degenerative disease of the spine, along people about their home situations. “I with a number of other health problems, tell more people as I get older,” said Joe. the family. I had no choice in helping mum, she leaving her in a lot of pain with limited “It took until Year 11 to tell people at can’t help being sick, so I kind of just feel bad, as if I mobility. school. In primary school I told no-one because they wouldn’t understand.” should just do it and be quiet. I also don’t want to be Being a young carer makes being Angelina hasn’t told anyone at uni, nor seen as whinging or crying poor.” a university student more difficult. did she tell anyone at school that she was According to Angelina, “Being a carer a carer. “I think I don’t tell people about means that my uni work often comes in my caring responsibilities because it is second place. That means that I have to kind of like betraying the family. I had distressed that he will have to take him make sure everything around the house no choice in helping mum, she can’t help to hospital and stay with him, sometimes is done and that Mum is ok before I being sick, so I kind of just feel bad, as with unfinished assignments due the next can even sit down to contemplate doing if I should just do it and be quiet. I also day. According to Joe’s mother, Joe’s dad uni … but even then I have to be on don’t want to be seen as whinging or started acting strangely when Joe was high alert to be able to run if she calls crying poor.” When I asked Joe why he just a year old, but it wasn’t until he was ... which happens quite often, most doesn’t tell many people about his caring 10 that his dad was diagnosed with early- days. It gets so annoying sometimes, like responsibilities, he replied, “I guess it’s onset Alzheimer’s disease and frontal when I needed to study for my exam my dad’s story to tell, and he is really lobe dementia, affecting his personality but couldn’t because she [my mother] private, but it’s sad because he can’t tell and mental functioning. Joe provides wanted my brother and I to be at the it.” support when his father has ‘episodes’, hospital all of the time.” When I asked calling doctors, and sometimes staying her how being a carer affected her social Evidently, young carers have a story, too. with him at hospital. In daily life, Joe life, she replied, “To be honest, I have no Australia has one of the worst disability helps his dad stick to a routine, and social life!” support systems in the Western world, emotionally supports his whole family. putting a huge amount of pressure on This is the life of a young carer. Lorna told me that along with feelings young carers. The staff at Carers NSW of frustration, it is very common for are incredibly dedicated and do all they In Australia, there are approximately young carers to have feelings of guilt. can to support carers, but in comparison 380,000 young carers. This means “Turning 18 means independence to the need, carer support services across that around one in twenty people aged for most young people but, for young the board are still under funded. While 25 or under has some level of care carers, caring responsibilities can often carers do what they do out of love responsibility for someone in their limit that independence,” she said. and responsibility for family members, home with a disability, chronic illness, “Naturally this can bring up feelings sometimes they just need a break. I’ve sat mental illness, drug or alcohol problem. of frustration, but many young carers in classes for a few years with Joe, and I Many young carers, like Joe, tend not also feel guilty as they struggle between know it confuses people when he comes to tell many people about their caring their responsibility to the person they to uni and something is evidently wrong responsibilities, making this sizable group care for and living their own life.” This but he won’t say anything. I’ve also seen a rather silent minority. They care for is certainly true for Angelina and Joe. how impressed other people are at how family members for an average of six When I asked Angelina if she ever felt unfailingly patient, kind and accepting hours per day, providing help in a range guilty, she said, “I do. I feel guilty if I he is. I am incredibly lucky to have him of ways, from emotional support and snap at her because I know she is in pain as a friend, and I am lucky enough to occasional physical support – Joe – to and probably didn’t mean what she said. be one of a small number of people full-time care. There are currently no So yeah... quite a lot of guilt there.” Joe who know his story because there is a lot statistics on how many young carers agreed: “You know it’s not their fault. more to him than you see on the surface. attend university. Joe is a good friend Dad will be really bad, and sometimes of mine, who has been kind enough to he’ll say really shit things. You’ll get * Pseudonym used at request of the share his story with me. really sad and angry and then you get interviewee. annoyed when you feel like that because To find out more about the experiences you know it’s not his fault.” If you are, or know, a young carer of young carers, particularly those and would like to find out more who are at university, I spoke to Lorna But being a young carer has given about what supports are available, Clarkson, Young Carer Project Officer at both Joe and Angelina very unique life contact the Young Carer Team Carers NSW. Lorna gave me an insight experiences, which haven’t all been at Carers NSW on 1800 242 636* into the lives of young carers, and put negative.” “When we go out, my dad (*freecall except from mobiles) or me in contact with a young woman is noticeably different, and people look email [email protected]. 13 ‘Reporting from

Fresh from interning in the ABC’s North Asia bureau, Japan’ Jacqueline Breen reflects on the changes, dangers and future in foreign correspondence.

Here’s some advice for free, kid – don’t “I was working in the ABC’s Parliament family support, translators and staff from camera phones on the scene, and stand within spitting range. That’s House bureau in Canberra and finding don’t come cheap. In 2007 America’s social media sites exploded with on-the- one gem I gleaned from a whirlwind it horribly claustrophobic and myopic,” ABC News streamlined overseas ground commentary during the recent internship in foreign correspondence. Willacy says of his path from the operations by establishing seven one- Iranian revolution. The binary between Outside the District Court in downtown press gallery to the front line. He had person bureaus, deploying seven news producer and news consumer Tokyo, surrounded by police, posters and started out studying engineering at television journalists with laptops and has diminished, and citizen journalism frothing pro-whaling ultra-nationalists, I university, but ditched it four years in handheld video cameras to global represents a major departure from the quickly learned not to underestimate the when he noticed his complete lack of hotspots. The move collapsed several monopoly of mainstream news. human spray radius. talent and interest (“Would you drive over a bridge I’d designed?” he asks. I This is democratised journalism, where foreign affairs The Australian Broadcasting probably wouldn’t.) After kicking around are no longer witnessed or reported exclusively by Corporation’s North Asian numerous regional news rooms Willacy correspondent, Mark Willacy, stood settled in at the ABC, but grew bored professionals from mainstream media organisations. casually in the media scrum, tapping with the political scenery. “Some people The most-viewed footage of the 2007 London on his phone and snapping on his gum. in the gallery regarded issues like the Inside the court, New Zealand anti- GST and petrol tax as the pinnacle of bombings came from camera phones on the scene whaling activist Peter Bethune was their journalistic calling. To me that was about to learn his fate. The former Sea scary and more than a little sad.” jobs (reporter, shooter, producer, fixer, Shepherd campaigner faced charges bureau chief) into one, saving tons of For all the changes, there is still for assaulting a Japanese whaler during So he traded taxes for terrorism, money and exploiting advancements in continuity. Despite all the developments clashes in the Antarctic earlier this year, signing on as the ABC’s Middle East technology. Only four US newspapers Willacy is still in a job, and he’s confident and a lengthy gaol term was on the correspondent in 2002. As time ticked by now maintain foreign correspondents, the advantages in both old and new cards. The police had roped us in to a before their departure, Willacy and his and its estimated those offices cost models can coexist. He points out that press pen and the journos stood around wife watched their new hood exploding between $250,000 and $500,000 a year. the proliferation of amateur videos chatting and scribbling. Cameramen each night on the evening news. Their makes professional reporting even more panned the scene around us, and the arrival in Jerusalem coincided nicely with The story is the same back home. important. “At the ABC we’re bound by ultranationalists lost their conservative Israel’s largest military offensive in the Turn the pages of any broadsheet and editorial guidelines and a code of ethics. shit just metres away. The diminutive West Bank since 1967, and Willacy hit you’ll find most international stories Where is that regulation for bloggers? At protest leader spat his displeasure with the ground running when Israel bombed are purchased hot off the wire services. the ABC our credibility is our greatest Willacy’s recent coverage, and his a civilian apartment block housing a Commercial broadcasters parachute asset,” he argues. apoplectic comrades thrashed against the Hamas military commander. Days later journalists in for sporadic disaster police barricades. the attack was avenged at an Israeli coverage, instead of maintaining Besides, these economic dangers pale in university, where Willacy found internal permanent overseas offices. With 21 comparison to the occupational hazards For a journalism student accustomed to organs smeared on the bottom of his foreign correspondents operating across that still come with the job. Increased scratching out theatre reviews for the shoe. 12 bureaus the Australian Broadcasting workload and decreased resources are local street press, the scene was pretty Corporation has the strongest foreign tough, but death, injury and trauma thrilling. Those police officers had real In one sense, these scenes of adventure, presence, but its journalists are awaiting are even more unpleasant. Earlier this guns! Those protesters shouted really adrenaline and anarchy sit comfortably the results of a foreign bureaus review year Australian photographer Nigel loud! But for our seasoned correspondent with the classic foreign correspondent that could restructure everything. Brennan finally escaped after 15 months this was just another day at the office. archetype. The iconic world reporter Just this year the ABC’s Moscow in captivity in Somalia. Caught with Before deadline Willacy had delivered of the last century cut a heroic figure, correspondent was replaced with a drugs in Singapore in 2008, ABC his piece to camera outside court, filed boldly venturing to dusty badlands and single video journalist. This economic journalist Peter Lloyd sparked discussion stories and updates for radio, television labyrinthine depths in the corridors of rationalisation places pressure on the on post-traumatic stress in journalists and online news and current affairs, world power. He (almost invariably a remaining correspondents to pump out after witnessing the Bali bombings and taken phone interviews on the scene, he) slinked about in trench coat and more stories with fewer resources. A Boxing Day tsunami. Freedom Forum swivelled on his wheelie chair and settled hat, smoking in doorways and speaking shift from quality to quantity results, as counted 66 journalist deaths during in for Beer O’Clock back in the bureau. in exotic languages. He dined with reporters compromise depth and analysis the Vietnam War, and the Committee Over the course of my internship I diplomats and propped up the bar, and to meet rolling deadlines. Journalism to Protect Journalists says that, since tagged along behind this affable veteran, he harboured a healthy disrespect for the may be the first rough draft of history, 2003, 140 have died in the line of duty watching and wondering at the evolving pampered editorial pen-pushers calling but Ernest Hemingway (corresponding in Iraq. Willacy took the Middle East profession. the shots back at editorial HQ. during the Spanish World War) reminds gig knowing it was “the post you’re us that “the first draft of anything is most likely to die in”, and although he “Just another day” in the Tokyo office But in many other ways the world of shit.” obviously thrives in armoured vehicles differs sharply from Willacy’s previous foreign correspondence has changed the job has taken its toll. A daily diet of postings. In his first overseas gig as the dramatically, and those archetypes are all Those economic imperatives have death and destruction is exhausting, and ABC’s Middle East correspondent he but extinct. Plummeting media revenue coalesced with technological changes Willacy has lost friends and co-workers: spent more time dodging bombs and and relentless technological progress that have revolutionised the biz. “Their deaths, and the random cruelty bullets than megaphone spit spray. Last have resulted in major systemic changes Suddenly, anyone with a keyboard of it all, really made me angry. Still year he dug deep into political massacres to the news business, and expensive and a camera phone could report on does.” in the Philippines and this year rocked overseas bureaus have been hit the floods, famine or street fighting. This is a flak jacket during the Red Shirt riots hardest. Around the world, newspapers democratised journalism in a globalised Foreign correspondence is not a dying in Bangkok. The boy from country and broadcasters are slashing their world, where foreign affairs are no art form, but a changing one. The Queensland has worked some of the foreign presence in a bid to cut costs. longer witnessed or reported exclusively anthropological task of translating one world’s toughest beats and admits he Foreign bureaus require plenty of cash by professionals from mainstream media culture to another has never been more likes it that way. to keep on keeping on; office space, organisations. The most-viewed footage important. equipment, transport, accommodation, of the 2007 London bombings came 14 The Soapbox www.honisoit.com

hop/folk dichotomy, perhaps I like Rock the boat Two-toned DOOM as much as Nick Drake simply because they both brought something Mekela Panditharatne speaks out in an intractable and unstoppable flow. tones taste new to their respective genres. against asylum seeker-related fear However this theory has about as many mongering. holes as the alleged boats themselves. Daniel Zwi thinks genre is a dirty But it’s obvious that originality isn’t the musical word. only arbiter at work when I’m deciding The battlelines were drawn (one to the A recent GetUp! ad outlined the many It’s a standard question in the repertoire if I like a piece of music. It doesn’t right, and one further right), the battle myths about asylum seekers, rebutting of introductory conversation, but explain why I love certain pop songs, was fought with ferocious apathy, and them with basic facts that sadly have when somebody asks me what kind of like JT’s “My Love” or Britney Spears’ the victor now emerges into a glorious not yet penetrated the Australian music I listen to, I’m always stumped. “Baby One More Time”, though neither dawn only marginally pockmarked by psyche or rendered sentiment towards It’s not that I don’t like music. It’s not changed the course of pop. Perhaps we the ghosts of leaders past. Yet the true asylum seekers even mildly rational. that I’m scared of venturing an answer respond to a feeling that a song is ‘well- victims of the campaign trail have not The vast majority of asylum seekers before I know what kind of music my crafted’ or just plain catchy, no matter been the pollies or – arguably – the arrive by plane, and, according to a interlocutor likes, lest I be judged. It’s how similar it is to another chart-topper. populace, but rather those who have federal parliamentary background more the fact that I don’t listen to any We like it not because it’s doing anything too often been relegated to the space of note, the relatively small amount who one or two genres and so, short of listing new; it just modifies the sounds we love. victimhood in life: asylum seekers. The arrive by boat are more likely to be all my favourite artists and their back dreaded ‘boat people’ who apparently accepted as genuine refugees than their catalogues, I can’t easily describe my The ‘atmospheric’ trend is reflected litter the pristine coastline flaunting airport counterparts. The term ‘illegal musical preferences. in the proliferation of collaborations their illegality in the face of the more immigrant’ is a misnomer bandied about between artists of different kinds. It’s legitimate people whose ancestors came wrongly by politicians. All people have I’m tempted to put this down to my only in the last six or seven years that on slightly bigger boats in the 18th the right to seek asylum in Australia unusually sophisticated taste, but I’ve the pop-song-with-a-rap-in-it has taken century. under the Refugees Convention, and spoken to many others who feel the same off. Beyonce and Jay-Z created “Crazy artificially constructed notions of way. Indeed, these days, it seems that in Love” despite their dissimilar musical It is perhaps not a unique point, nor ‘queues’ should not distract from the real people don’t choose which artists they backgrounds. The two have a connection one that is particularly novel to the humanitarian issues at hand. like based on genre, to the extent that the that transcends genre – not their love, demographic of Honi readers, but it is word describes formal aspects of music silly – a loyalty to accessible music. On one that I feel deserves to be reiterated. These are simple facts, and could easily such as rhythm, timbre or instruments the other end of the spectrum you have It seems absurd that the issue of asylum be general knowledge if our politicians used. I enjoy listening to hip-hop just as Bjork’s new project with Dirty Projectors seekers can be so wholly conflated with were comfortable with talking about real much as I enjoy listening to acoustic folk, or James Mercer and Danger Mouse’s that of border security, shifting the focus issues instead of playing with rhetoric even though the two have little to no Broken Bells, successfully fusing two out of the realm of humanitarianism and pandering to the base fears of the stylistic overlap. If there was ever a time traditionally disparate genres. and human rights, and into that of electorate. The rhetoric is that Australia when people chose their niche and stuck border protection and defence. It is is a soft target for boat people, but the to it, it’s not 2010. One could argue that Jay-Z and Beyonce a seductive visual for conservative reality is that boat people are a soft target are pop, whereas Bjork et al are indie, commentators, the vivid image of boats for Australians. So what connects the types of music we and that they therefore do share a genre. sailing towards our vulnerable borders enjoy, if not the structural elements of But both terms involve a variety of different genres? We respond to certain different musical styles – and they are sensibilities that artists of different styles by no means mutually exclusive. It’s Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney can share – musical philosophies that not very fashionable to endorse the ‘i’ they abide to or atmospheres that they word these days, but it does encompass create. An obvious example would be an a musical culture which, along with Want some work! artist’s tendency to eschew ‘mainstream’ other non-structural elements of music, composition. So, to return to my hip- intertwine to form our taste. Polling Booth and have an entire GOVT lecture hall Get to the point laugh at you, I’m to blame (apologies girl in purple dress from Eastern Avenue David Mulligan fights for power for Auditorium 11am last Wednesday). Attendants those without energy enough to do so themselves. So I have some serious beef with you, Why is it that in a world where they Chancellor or SRC heads (whoever Required can send a man to the moon and invent is to blame). Just because most of the butter that spreads straight from the buildings in the university predate the fridge, the heads of the university still invention of sliced bread doesn’t mean The SRC is looking for about 20 aren’t smart enough to install more than that you’re not able to chuck in a few one powerpoint per lecture theatre? It’s powerpoints here and there to help people to work on the polling a technological world out there, full of me and the four other people in the Pac-man and rear parking sensors, so university who don’t have MacBooks. booths for its elections this year. why is it that we modern folk, who have If you can give the Main Quad (what abandoned the primitive pen and paper is in effect a medieval fort) wireless If you can work on for the Minesweeper-compatible laptop internet, then why can’t you fork out alternative, are being punished with a the $23.40 for a couple of extension Wed 22nd Sept and/or Thurs 23rd Sept, lack of electrical outlets? cords and power board? Otherwise I’ll and attend a training at 4pm Tues 22nd Sept, be left in the same predicament that I Now I’ll admit I’m the odd one out; am in now, turning my monitor on and we want to hear from you! I don’t have a MacBook, iPad or any off, switching the brightness down, and of that junk Steve Jobs keeps throwing minimising my CPU usage all in a vain at me with his unsubtle product attempt to prevent the inevitable. $19.99 per hour placements, so obviously with a normal There may also be an opportunity to undertake Windows computer and a battery life I’ll concede that my minimal battery additional work at the vote count of 34.5 seconds this problem affects life is mostly my fault for watching Application forms are available from the SRC Front Office me more than most others. Whenever entire episodes of Top Gear and making (Level 1 Wentworth Building). a computer starts beeping during frequent visits to fml.com during lectures For more info, call 9660 5222 or email [email protected]. the middle of a lecture from lack of on microeconomics. I also know that the Applications close 5pm, 6th September 2010 power, I’m to blame. Whenever some pen and paper alternative is probably fool comes in late and pushes his way more practical. But in a university that through a crowded lecture hall – injuring recently went bankrupt by building a many – in an attempt to try and claim law school out of glass, kryptonite and the only power-point in the room, I’m abandoned missile silos, why is it that a Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. to blame. And whenever you trip on a few electrical outlets are too much to ask Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Phone: 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au power cord stretched across a staircase for? 1519 COLLEGE The Bar Fight: Ted Talas raises his glass to beloved drinking hole, the Salisbury. To speak or not to speak that wasn’t the However, this was no ordinary Any 21st birthday party follows a question but is in the case of this tutorial fight. simple recipe. Mix one part family with Wednesday night. Extended capacity Tom Marr can’t get a word in edgeways, while four parts friends and add a pinch of and trading hours saw numbers swell, as Sam Elliott’s reign of verbage continues. apprehension. Next, pour in the too- students, past and present, college and often limited combining agent, beer non-college, flocked to the bar to honour One question, that’s all I need. One of-a-mere-two-hour-seminar’ and champagne. Finally, bake at the their old chum Charles. Even ex-Paulines question to prove to the tutor that I am chats he keeps having with the temperature of a suitably sweaty dance and in-demand DJs Rogers Room felt the brightest star in this class galaxy. One tutor after class. Why don’t I say floor until awkward and dry. Often, to compelled to attend and entertain the question away from ultimate domination something? All I’ve said so far was disguise the resulting stale loaf, the dish crowd for a couple of hours. of the tute room and intellectual the small fact about myself we all can be easily spruced up with a garnish superiority. had to introduce ourselves with, of embarrassing stories or boozed It goes without saying that Charles and all I mentioned was my love of parents, or embarrassing stories told by V Salisbury was a man with a Oh, look, Mr Never-Shuts-Up has stamp-collecting! I don’t even like boozed parents. unique vision. A commitment to the answered another question. But stamp-collecting, I haven’t done transcendental philosophy that nobody I knew the answer! If only there it since I was 12! The judgement Rather than embody this collection of should have to walk more than 50 was one answer. There are so of my peers. That’s probably clichés, the Salisbury’s 21st anniversary metres for a beer. By the looks of the many answers, I could go at the what’s got this frog wedged down was an affair of unadulterated mass of people at the Salisbury’s 21st, question from any direction. The my throat. I’m pretty sure they conviviality – a historic and purposeful it is a vision that has resonated beyond tutor could mean ‘the Other’ as in all dislike that guy who always celebration of the eponymous Charles V the sandstone walls of St Paul’s. Indeed, feminist literary theory, or as in talks more than the tutor, but Salisbury, medical practitioner, mentor similar institutions at other colleges, the post-colonial liberated subject, who can tell what accolades or and legend who, at 85, established the including The Highlander and The Dail, or maybe what she’s getting at is condemnations could be brewing first permanently licensed premises have popped up at other colleges. some kind of UFO re-reading of behind those expressionless faces? within Sydney Uni’s college system. Tess of the D’Urbevilles. How do I They can see all the flaws in this But what is the appeal of such know which answer will impress overloud dick’s logic, can’t they? In order to pay tribute to such a man, establishments? Getting loose doesn’t the most? the college community celebrated the quite seem to cut it as an answer. Instead, Those silly few who roll their eyes at me way it knows best – by throwing a the value of these kind of institutions is Why’s that quiet weird guy looking at as if I have talked more than the tutor, swinging Wednesday night shindig in the sense of community they provide. me? The idea of a tute is to use the every time I go to say something they the bar which bears Charles V.’s name. A place for celebrating, catching up relationship with the tutor and other look at each other as if I’m disrupting Naturally, to befit the Prince of Partying and offering banter over a couple of students to sharpen my intellect and my some unwritten vow of silence. If I himself, patrons embraced the Salisbury beers. The very kind of thing Charles V opinions so that I have everything set for didn’t say anything, who would? We Mansion theme, donning bunny ears, silk Salisbury envisaged 21 years ago. the exams and essays. I’ve done all the would all be in that awkward silence robes and bow-ties as the standard attire readings for the entire semester before where the tutor asks and answers all the for the night. the first tute. I’m unleashing my opinion questions. So maybe I could have held on those less diligent students. Especially back on the verbal attacks but there is HONI'S SOUNDTRACK TO . . .. those quiet conservative types, the ones nothing like a bit of ad hominem to try and THE GAUNTLET who dress in thick layers of neutral get a reply. I mean the tutor and I get Naomi Hart earthy colours in an effort to fade in to along really well. We talk after class every ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE the background and provide as much week. Yes he generally says he needs distance between them and the outside to be somewhere but he is the course Kerry O’Brien’s commentary: The to mention that McKew’s concession world. coordinator. Sometimes I know he agrees Shangri-Las, “Leader of the Pack” speech was a biting deconstruction of with me in class. I swear he winks at me There’s a reason that this strawberry Labor’s failings during the campaign, Oh god. That guy with the as I answer those questions perfectly. blonde is second only to the Governor- harking back to the biting critiques she bleached hair that doesn’t match General on the public service payroll: he delivered in the course of her last job. his face who comes in every But if I do say something, what coaxed tough answers out of candidates, week dressed like a different Jet if I say the wrong thing? I could humoured Antony Green, and didn’t let The calling of Wentworth: Frank album cover is probably sitting end up like that guy in my English Nick Minchin talk too much. Sinatra, “I Did it My Way” on nine or 10 marks out of the tutorial last semester who kept The Turnbull-bound swing of almost allocated 10 per cent participation interpreting all the ambiguous The Coalition winning a seat: The 12 per cent vindicated the commitment marks. Indie bleachface will scenes as violent sex scenes! Doors, “Break on Through” to his convictions that this man has probably even go better in the I’m pretty sure I don’t have any Team Blue clawed their way to victory in displayed in recent months. written assignments thanks to all manias, but the people who do seat after seat, edging nearer to casting these little ‘my-interest-in-the- don’t realise they do, so if I did, off the label ‘Opposition’. Longman called for Wyatt Roy: coursework-surpasses-the-limits- how would I know? Oh no! Dragon, “Are you Old Enough?” Labor winning a seat: Phoenix, Perhaps the only thing that eclipses a “Consolation Prize” twenty-year-old becoming a MP (and Griffith is called: The Whitlams, “I Gillard speech: The Temptations, Retaining seats is not solace when the by a margin of four per cent) on the Will Not Go Quietly” “Ain’t too Proud to Beg” national swing against you is almost extraordinary-scale is that the victory Rudd must have been gloating quietly at In her opening breath, the incumbent five per cent, but that’s about the most wasn’t more thumping. In the dying days the fact that he picked up 58 per cent of Prime Minister thanked the the ALP can count their blessings for. of the campaign, his ALP opponent, the vote (on a two-party preferred basis). Independents, dem new Lower House Perhaps the only real sweetener was John Sullivan, ridiculed a father for The four per cent swing against him power-brokers, for their contribution to picking up a two per cent swing in Eden- letting his seven-year-old son go without could hardly get him down. His mention, the election. Monaro, the historical bellwether seat. medical treatment for two years. The lone among the election night speeches, father replied that he couldn’t afford the of the two Australian soldiers recently Abbott speech: Queen, “We are the The Greens winning their first specialist’s features. killed in Afghanistan indicated an Champions” Lower House seat: Afroman, ongoing eagerness to stand out among Not quite accurate, as the critical 76 “Because I Get High” Mark Arbib: ACDC, “Dirty Deeds, his colleagues. seats were not attained. After this You’d have to be high to imagine the Done Dirt Cheap” humility-free oration, however, you Green winning a seat in the House of It will take some time for this Labor Any appearance by the Australian could be forgiven for thinking that the Reps. Now with Adam Bandt as an MP, Right factional heavyweight to shed Sex Party: The Animals, “Don’t Coalition shat it in. you’ll be able to get high wherever the his backdoor wheeling-and-dealing Let Me be Misunderstood” hell you want from the MCG to the reputation after he was instrumental in There is no surer way for a party with The result: Stevie Wonder, Westgate Bridge. securing Rudd’s ousting and Gillard’s several cogent, progressive, sensible “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” ascendacy to the Party leadership. policies to undermine its own credibility You have to play this one, despite the The fall of Maxine: Lateline theme Probably lucky that he wasn’t on this than by including sex in its title – other outcome being far from signed, sealed Nostalgia for that age in which McKew year’s ballot, having acquired his Senate than, perhaps, the double whammy of or delivered, because of the exquisite rose to glory never goes astray. Not seat in 2007. calling itself the Sex Pirate Party (see irony and also because you locked in the Honi week 4). playlist ages ago. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 16 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com Wanderlust Joe Payten had a cow, man, in South America. Shit Talk On a leafy, innocuous street corner in them. I settled in on the street corner, the relatively quiet Buenos Aires suburb helping myself to the champagne and of Palermo, nestled amongst the grand Heinekens, basking in the façade of Mmm, una vaca. homes and tasteful terraces, is the prosperity and almost certainly removing chatter and laughter was an exotic greatest steakhouse in the world, Parrilla it in the process. soundtrack to the experience: travellers La Cabrera. and backpackers dining as guests of their After about an hour, my name was called local friends; multiple generations of After two months in South America, I and the maitre d’ beckoned me through large Argentinean families; young and had returned to Argentina on my own to my table, positioned uncomfortably glamourous socialites. And me. for my last night on the continent with close to an incredibly boring, middle- almost no money in my account, but aged German guy. The refurbished If you’re a vegetarian, you may wish to determined to dine at this restaurant that terrace was cosy and dimly lit, tables skip the next (highly enticing) paragraph. had been so consistently recommended crammed haphazardly into what were Words simply do not do justice to the to me by friends. And so it was with a once the living and dining rooms of the food at La Cabrera. Suffice it to say pittance of pesos that I caught a cab to house. On the wall opposite me, a large that it was the best steak I have ever Palermo, the driver bent on informing diagram of a cow hung, labeled with eaten. Every cut of meat, including me at length of the intricacies and the Spanish words for its body parts, my absolutely phenomenal Wagyu various highlights of BA’s prostitution enabling me to decipher the menu and Beef, comes with a large assortment of industry, incorrectly assuming both that order the dish of my desire in the native inventive sauces and side dishes that I had an adequate grasp of Spanish and tongue. Salivating like a very hungry make the meal truly unique. Nothing that I shared his less-than-savoury tastes. Pavlov’s Dog, I concluded there was only could have ruined the experience of one way to make the most of this rare each mouthful, although The German’s There were no less than 30 people experience, and so ordered the highly The Gentlemen’s anecdotes about his flourishing IT milling on the corner when I pulled recommended Wagyu Beef. business in Munich came very close. Carslaw Basement up, obviously content to wait for a vacancy inside. With nothing better Enjoying the rather emboldening, if Touching down in Sydney about 30 to do, I braced myself for the wait, not slightly confronting, experience of Official Results hours later, I made my way through the made remarkably comfortable by the dining alone, I attempted to absorb the duty-free shops thankful that I had spent complementary and unlimited (although experience of the restaurant and fend off Depressed the absolute last of my money on that I’m not sure you’re meant to approach it The German’s attempts at conversation incredible gastronomical experience, Not depressed like that) champagne and beer. Nothing while waiting for my meal. Undoubtedly, and not a 10-litre discount bottle of gives one the feeling of exclusivity La Cabrera’s most engaging feature, Donkey rum, a carton of cigarettes and cheap quite like being given things for free and possibly its greatest endorsement, aftershave. on the assumption that you can afford is its clientele. The dialectically diverse

all up in my grill A SPORTING CHANCE Not doing tutorial readings The Aftermath of the Storm Kirsten Wade examines the cloudy Elizabeth Mulhall did the readings. future of the Melbourne Storm. What about you? The Melbourne Storm will never be I’ve done it. You’ve done it. We’ve all the same again. Prior to 22 April, the done it. Not read a tutorial reading for the Storm’s player line-up was top class. the week. Sometimes we get caught They held the title of Premiers in 2007 up with assignments, sometimes the and 2009 as well as Minor Premiers for reading is too bloody boring/hard, three consecutive years between 2006 sometimes we just can’t be fucked. and 2008. The likes of Cameron Smith, That’s fine. I get it. Once in a while is Star-player, Zeus, embroiled in controversy Make like the kid. Billy Slater, Greg Inglis and Cooper over performance-enhancing god-essence. fine. However, when you’re stuck in a Cronk were consistently chosen in pass the course doing the minimum of tutorial with a roomful of people who representative teams, at both state and week in, week out fail to do the readings work. You might pass, but you are a national levels. All in all, they were the restructuring of the Board mirrors the and fail to contribute a single thing to waste of space. team to beat. restructuring of the team itself. In order group discussion, you may as well not to fit under the cap, the Storm will have have enrolled in the course. Do it on the bus or train, do it sitting But in April 2010, the salary cap was lose a number of key players, which have up in bed, do it in a cafe while sipping a their undoing. After filing a lawsuit made the Storm the dominant team they The only thing worse than being the coffee, do it while your laundry washes, against the NRL in an attempt to have been in the past few years. Brett only person in your tutorial not to do it during ad breaks, jazz it up with overturn the penalties for their salary White has joined the Canberra Raiders have done the readings is being the different coloured highlighters. I don’t cap breach, the Melbourne Storm on a three year deal while the Brisbane only person in your tutorial who has, care if you hated the reading or thought dropped the legal case, having accepted Broncos had to up the ante and increase and who has to spend the rest of the it was stupid. At least if you’ve read it that they will be last on this year’s NRL their offer to Greg Inglis in order to class explaining what the reading was you can spend some time explaining Premiership ladder. Instead, the club secure the released Storm player after about and what it meant in an awkward why you didn’t like it. I don’t care if is looking to next season for things to the Gold Coast Titans made it clear they dialogue with your tutor. you thought the reading was the best improve. But, before this can happen, were also in the race to nab the NRL piece of academic material you’ve ever the team will need to undergo some superstar. read or if you want to set fire to your Some people take great pride in not extensive changes in order to make sure doing their readings. They sit back in course reader at the end of semester, they fit under the salary cap next season. Although a number of significant their chair, completely at ease and take just don’t come to my tutorial trying to changes have already been made to the pride in the fact that they didn’t spend justify why you couldn’t use one of the First in the firing line were four Melbourne Storm Club, these certainly 40 minutes reading something that 167 hours in the week not spent in this independent Directors of the Storm’s won’t be the last of them. The saga might have actually been interesting tutorial doing your fucking readings. Board- Dr Rob Moodie, Gerry Ryan, continues… and informative, no sir. They can still Peter Maher and Petra Fawcett. This ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO SRC Help 17 Ask Abe Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has all the answers. . . Been Accused Send your letters to: [email protected]

Hello Abe,

When I first enrolled I signed up for 4 of Plagiarism? six credit point subjects. Now I think I might not be able to cope with the workload and would like to drop to 3 six credit point subjects. Will I have to The University takes plagiarism seriously, c. in the case of a student preparing Work for Assessment, pay for the subject still? Will I get a fail there is evidence that the student engaged another for it? Will I still be able to get Youth so should you. person to produce or conduct research for the Work, Allowance? How can I decide what to including for payment or other consideration; or The SRC is noticing an increase in the number of drop? d. the student has previously received a Written Warning. plagiarism allegations that are being made against students. The SRC believes that this is largely because Penalties can range from having to resubmit the piece of Don’t want to Fail there is increasing use of text-matching software work to a fail in the assessment for negligent plagiarism. programs, such as TurnItIn. For dishonest plagiarism you may be referred to the Registrar for a formal investigation. Dear Don’t Want to Fail, What these text-matching software programs do is run your essay/assignment through a program that matches Increasing numbers of allegations of If you withdraw from a subject before pieces of text in your assignment that are the same to the census date (usually 31st March text in other work – eg. Other students’ essays, academic dishonest plagiarism for 1st semester or 31st August for journal’s, books, newspapers etc. As well as specifically 2nd semester) you will not get charged The SRC is noticing an increase in the number of designed programs, Google is also used. HECs (or full fees if you are a local allegations of dishonest plagiarism. Many students who student). The same should happen for Academics then have to work out what should be exactly have received allegations of dishonest plagiarism feel that international students also, but they the same – because you have used quotes from other they have actually engaged in poor referencing styles or might want to come and have a chat people’s work, and what should not. Some academics negligent plagiarism. to someone at the SRC for some help approach this from a position of being able to then educate students on improved writing and referencing The SRC believes that some students are receiving because the policy is not so clear. skills. Some academics come from a position of being allegations of dishonest plagiarism because they have suspicious of students. previously received a written warning. We guess the You need to know however, that some logic is – you were found to have negligently/dishonestly subjects such as the intensive units What is Plagiarism? plagiarized once and so now you should know in the Graduate Law program, have everything there is to know about perfect referencing and different census dates. As with any A SPORTING CHANCE The University’s Academic Dishonesty and Plagiarism paraphrasing. The SRC finds that this is often not the case change to your study program I would policy says there are 2 types of plagiarism. To quote the and that student knowledge and skill about referencing, strongly recommend that you talk to policy: secondary citations and paraphrasing can be patchy. your faculty advisor and check the census date, as well as seeking advice Negligent Plagiarism means innocently, recklessly or What to do if you receive a plagiarism on what subjects to keep and drop, in carelessly presenting another person’s Work as one’s allegation? case this affects your progression and/ own Work without Acknowledgement of the Source. or major. It is probably preferable that Negligent Plagiarism often arises from a student’s fear 1. Understand why the allegation has been made. you ask them these questions via email of paraphrasing or writing in their own words, and/or 2. The most important thing is to learn from your mistakes. as you then have a written record. ignorance of this Policy and Procedure. It may be due to: Seek help from someone in the faculty who can help a. failure to follow appropriate referencing practices; you identify ways your referencing and paraphrasing If you withdraw before the census b. failure to determine, verify or acknowledge the source can improve. You can also talk to the people at the date you should have the grade W of the Work. Learning Centre – they even have workshops on this. (withdrawn) next to that subject, not a www.usyd.edu.au/lc fail. Make sure you check this at the Dishonest Plagiarism means knowingly presenting 3. Decide if you agree with the allegation. end of April on your transcript. another person’s Work as one’s own Work without 4. Decide if you want to appeal the finding and/or the Acknowledgement of the Source. Alleged Plagiarism will penalty. You have 15 working days to appeal. In regards Youth Allowance, if you are be deemed to be alleged Dishonest Plagiarism where: 5. Come to SRC HELP with a draft appeal letter if you doing 18 credit points or more you are a. substantial proportions of the Work have been copied wish to appeal, and we can give you advice. still considered full time and are still from the Work of another person, in a manner 6. If you have been referred to the Registrar for an eligible for Youth Allowance. Therefore that clearly exceeds the boundaries of Legitimate investigation – either because it was considered so your payments should remain the same. Cooperation; serious or because it was the second time – come to b. the Work contains a substantial body of copied SRC HELP for advice and representation. The penalty If you were an international student on material (including from the Internet) without could be suspension from the University. a student visa I would advise you that Acknowledgement of the Source, and in a manner that you can sometimes do less 24 credit cannot be explained as Negligent Plagiarism; The SRC is here to fight for your rights and give you points, but your Faculty must approve independent advice. Use it! this. It is therefore very important that you go and speak to your faculty advisor, and possibly the International Contact SRC HELP Student Support Unit (ISSU) also. Of course if you have more questions phone: (02) 9660 5222 email: [email protected] talk to SRC Help.

www.src.usyd.edu.au Level 1, Wentworth Building Abe If you are not on main campus contact Breda on: 0466 169 664 18 The SRC Reports www.honisoit.com President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

I’m writing my report for this week the two major parties, and instead put quite late on a Sunday night just after their vote towards the Greens or various we’ve had a pretty extraordinary federal independents (also because of various election. I must admit I was expecting a other reasons). The result? The Greens clear swing or push for either a Labor or and independents look like they’ll hold Liberal/National federal government. the balance of power in the House of I wasn’t expecting at all for there to Representatives as well as in the Senate. essentially be a hung parliament with Several people reckon that’s a good everything up in the air! thing for the government but I don’t. I had hoped Saturday would bring a clear APOLOGIES winner to form or re-form government. Why? First though I must apologise to everyone who read my report last week. I MADE Universities and more generally the A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. To those higher education sector need to be who ended up voting informally because prepared for whatever government there of my mistake, I AM SO SORRY may be. Research, teaching, learning and AND I HOPE YOUR VOTE WAS overall the costs of running a university COUNTED! I had so many people or tertiary institution all need to be centres costing millions of dollars (ie. • incredible, knowledgeable staff who texting, emailing, facebooking and worked out in advance. The University of the CODCD – the Centre for Obesity, can help you out when you need it tweeting me about what I’d written, which Sydney has been working with the Labor Diabetes and Cardiovascular Disease, or the most made me feel awful all week but then I felt federal government and government simply ‘the Centre for Fat People’ as it’s • fantastic collectives running SO HAPPY because it means YOU ALL bodies on some large (some would say been nicknamed by some members of progressive campaigns on the issues READ MY REPORT!!! Ok apologies ‘radical’) changes to degree structures, University staff…). that matter to you, and done, now on to… enrolments, number of students, low • incredibly strong student socioeconomic status participation, and In all of this, the SRC is submitting representation on all the major SRC PREZ’S ELECTION equity. If a Coalition government were our budget to the University for our decision-making bodies of the SUMMARY to take millions of dollars of funding 2011 funding. Since VSU (Voluntary University. out of universities, TAFEs and colleges, Student Unionism), the SRC relies on the The three main parties made clear the University needs to know that will University for funding, not the student I believe in the student body at this policies around higher education in the happen so they can prepare for it! But body. So we’ve had to trawl through our University – that’s why I’m SRC lead up to the election. The Liberals equally, if a Labor government were to finances, expenditure and income, and President. I believe in what the SRC were in favour of returning Domestic continue funding the University at a very present it to the University. In 2010, we does but we can’t keep cutting at student Undergraduate Full Fee (DUFF) degrees small percentage of total running costs, had a funding cut of $87,000 – quite activities and campaigns, or reducing the (costing upwards of $80,000) whilst the University needs to make some big disastrous considering we have had a number and type of staff to help and simultaneously stripping the sector of changes for 2011. huge increase in students using our free advise you on confidential and serious $277 million in the first year of their welfare and legal services, our printing of issues. government. Labor said they wanted to WHAT’S HAPPENING Honi Soit has run out nearly every week increase research grants and funding to since the beginning of the year, there If you believe in the student body too, if universities through things like the mining Currently the University is looking at a are CPI increases for staff and office- you believe in this incredible organization tax. The Greens had a big fight internally grim financial picture for 2011. A small bearers to factor in, as well as the general that is the SRC, if you believe in Honi over whether they should continue increase in funding from the Labor costs of running a representative student Soit, write to our Vice-Chancellor, Dr running on something like free tertiary government this year isn’t enough to organization. We’ve also cut in places we Michael Spence, and tell him what you education for all students in Australia, as sustain the growth of the institution. didn’t want to – Honi Soit stipends, NUS think about the issue: vice.chancellor@ well as acknowledging the need for travel A decrease in international student affiliation fees, holding events and more. sydney.edu.au. You may even get a concessions for international students in enrolments (which brings in a lot of personalized reply! Victoria and New South Wales. Student money) is also being expected. Where We need the University to increase the income support was hardly mentioned is the University going to get its money SRC’s funding for 2011. I need you all to Stay strong throughout this semester, (except by the Greens) and student from? Probably through saving, but support the SRC in this, so that we can fellow students, even though assessments organizations were hardly mentioned then they have issues because they need continue to have: and exams make life a tad difficult and (except by the Greens). to spend a lot of money on things like stressful. And remember you can always increasing student accommodation, • a strong, vibrant SRC come to the SRC for help. That’s what Seeing a trend? It’s no wonder a lot of continuing an incredible array of • an amazing, colourful Honi Soit we’re here for – we’re your voice! young people and students out there scholarships for school-leavers, doing up newspaper and website probably felt disillusioned with the buildings, cutting emissions and building • dedicated and committed student higher education policies put out by brand new cross-disciplinary research office-bearers

Get involved! Come along to a collective... SRC Honi Soit 'Opinion Competition' Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building WIN $1000 Now open for entries! NUS Pollie Pledge For more information [email protected] Competition closes 5pm (EST) Friday 17 September 2010. Environment Collectives: See the back cover of this edition of Honi Soit for details, Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns or visit www.honisoit.com Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns 19

Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // General Secretary's Report [email protected] So I waited until Sunday to write my form a government with the support of the first independents – superfast broadband seems to in the Senate with 9 seats once the new Senate report for Honi this week, working on the Green member of the House of Representatives, be the only consistent priority issue, because begins its term in July next year. Having the assumption that by then I’d know who was without having to negotiate with three of the most of these independents are from rural Greens holding that balance of power makes going to be our Prime Minister for the next independents who have said they will negotiate areas which are most in need of this Labor this unusual situation even more interesting three years and could write about what that as a bloc. Some seats are still have such tiny policy. – broadly speaking, it’s fantastic for students, would mean for students. margins that they may be asked to recount the because the Greens believe in lowering HECS, A hung parliament means that independents votes, and the winners could change as the final funding student representative organisations, As I write this (though perhaps not by the will have to decide which party to support in postal votes and absentee votes come through. and improving Youth Allowance, just to name time you read this), the exact outcome of the the forming of a government, but they can a few. Given those policy aims are pretty election in terms of who won what seats is All in all, it’s been a historic election! The most cross the floor on individual matters of policy, much the opposite of everything the Coalition still unknown, with three key seats still waiting likely result of this election is a hung parliament, which could potentially make it hard for the announced leading up to the election, I’m not for the count to finish – Boothby, Brisbane, which hasn’t happened in Australia since 1940. government (whoever that may be) to get sure how a minority Coalition government and Hasluck, all of which are tipped to go The hung parliament delivers significant power legislation through the Lower House. If the would work – it would certainly seem that to the Liberals at the moment. Either way to the independents, all of whom are extremely situation proves too unstable, another election they’d be unable to get any changes to the those seats fall, it is unlikely that either the different. It’s hard to say what that means ONLY for the House of Representatives may status quo on student issues past the Senate Coalition or Labor will get enough seats for students though, because, unfortunately, be called. once it takes power. to form a majority government, though if according to the ABC website profiles, tertiary One thing in this election IS certain, however Labor were to win all three of them it could education is not a key priority for any of these – the Greens will hold the balance of power

alcohol they had consumed as though they report to build for a community-wide rally were somehow to blame for the experience. which will demand that the government start Women's Report addressing this issue through education in our All of these facts point to a beliefs deeply school system. We will be demanding that a Report of the SRC Womens’ Officer, Rosie Ryan // [email protected] ingrained in our society that contribute to program which encourages an understanding A woman raped while wearing revealing which our media, legal systems, friends and both the prevalence of sexual assault and the of healthy relationships and sexual ethics clothing is to blame for leading a man on. family respond to sexual assault. The fact that silence surrounding these experiences. and thereby breaks down misconceptions a court will rule that a woman in skinny jeans A woman raped after consenting to any level In order to start breaking down these surrounding consent is implemented in must have consented to sex because her clothing of sexual activity is to blame for ‘giving mixed myths and replacing them with a different schools. was difficult to remove, completely bypassing signals.’ framework in which to understand these If you are interested in getting involved in the point that even if she had removed every issues we need to start with education. A woman raped after consuming alcohol is to this campaign there are many options for inch of clothing on her body that does not Reclaim the Night is a rally held every year blame for not considering her own security. you: come along to Women’s Collective mean she consented to sex. The fact that a on the last Friday of October to stop violence at 1pm on Thursdays in the Holme A woman raped by a man she is in a woman who consents to sex with one man and against women and try and break the silence Women’s Room or to the Reclaim the Night relationship with has automatically given then is forced into a group sex situation against surrounding sexual assault. consent for sex. her will is not considered to have been gang Organising Collective every second Monday raped. The fact that so many women when This year we are using the four myths at 5:30pm at UTS. If these times don’t suit Sound familiar? reporting a sexual assault are asked what they surrounding dress, intimacy, drinking and you shoot me an email and I will keep you These are all myths that inform the way in were wearing, where they were and how much relationships listed at the beginning of this updated as the campaign progresses.

or using machinery. As such, we should be might study Commerce and Accounting, taught proper referencing, and failure to or Viticulture and Cake-Making, who Education Report reference properly should only result in a knows). Each of these academic fields have Report of the SRC Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected] lower mark. different conventions on what is plagiarism and how to avoid it. Just to prove my I planned to write in my report about the plagiarism: The policy distinguishes between 2. The two-strike policy: To make the above point, I want you to go up to one of your implications of the election results for higher two kinds of plagiarism; dishonest and worse, the current policy makes it so that lecturers and ask them what referencing education, but with an election result that is too negligent. Dishonest plagiarism is essentially if a student is slammed with Negligent style you should use if you were studying close to call I might leave that for next week and plagiarism with intent, whereas negligent Plagiarism twice, the second allegation Engineering (if you study Engineering, say focus on something that has been happening at plagiarism is the unintentional failure to is automatically considered as Dishonest Economics). In all likelihood, they won’t this university. properly reference all sources. While I do not Plagiarism. As would be expected, the know. And they shouldn’t! It is not for any disagree that dishonest plagiarism should be penalties for dishonest plagiarism are much academic to know what are the conventions Recently the Academic Standards and Policy punished, I would argue that a students’ lack more severe than for negligent plagiarism. on academic honesty in any field but their Committee of the Academic Board opened of understanding about referencing is no more The argument behind this is that once a own. So why should we expect students to a debate around its plagiarism and academic or less severe than their lack of understanding student has been told that hey committed know? If I commit negligent plagiarism in honesty policy. Both academics and students about course content. Yet, one will simply negligent plagiarism and explained their Arts and then in Science, both should be felt that the policy or its implementation lower your final mark, while the other can risk faults, the student should be able to prevent counted as negligent plagiarism. If I commit was inadequate in some respects, so we have your candidature at the university. I think it is plagiarism in their work, therefore any negligent plagiarism twice in the same field, begun a review of both across the entire time that we saw referencing and plagiarism other incidence must be dishonest. Rubbish. that should still be counted as negligent university. These are some concerns that have not as indicators of a student’s morality but as University students cross academic fields plagiarism, because my failure to reference been raised by the SRC, SUPRA and student complex and sometimes unintuitive conventions many times daily, because most of us will properly the second time is the university’s representatives: of academia. Referencing is a skill, just like study more than one thing (e.g. I study failure to teach me about the conventions 1. Dishonest plagiarism vs. Negligent structuring an essay, analysing statistical data, Philosophy, English and Education, you and standards of my field of study.

Tuesday. Get involved today for more bonus Other upcoming Ways to Change the World guilt-busting specials. are our Breakfast for Renewable Energy Environment Report in week 5, with Senators, staff and student Renewable Energy is our main focus in leaders coming together to talk about ways Report of the Enviro Department, [email protected] the Green Campus Now! campaign, but to make our Uni more sustainable over a we’re by no means a one hit wonder. We’re Hullo and welcome to week 5 of a semester 100% renewable energy by 2020. Sydney delectable morning feast. We’re also going also active in campaigning against new that is simply trundling along. Stellar spring University is a leading institution of learning to a NSW state Environment workshop Coal power stations and mines, because of days, crisp Manning beers, spunky new and research, and uses the energy of over ten weekend on the beach in Nowra on August their devastating impact on the climate, on classmates to check out under the cover of thousand homes. It should show leadership 27-29th, where we’ll join enviro activists community health and local economies. your unopened textbook, and that comforting in dealing pragmatically and urgently with from around the country to share skills on We’re planning a protest at uni on September feeling that exams and final essays are a long climate change. But right now it is failing Event Planning, Campaign Strategy, How 29th when Ziggy Switkowski from the peak long way into the future. But while you’re miserably. All of the energy used on campus to Make Change And Influence People, Nuclear energy lobby group in Australia scratching your head wondering how your is sourced from coal fired power stations, Anti-Oppression Organising and The Art of (Australian Nuclear Science and Technology lecturer can expect you to stay in studying which pollute the climate, drain rivers and Hanging With Hippies. on these sunny spring afternoons, the harm human health. But worry not! The Organisation, or ANSTO) comes to talk at environment department of the SRC has been Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC) is the Law Faculty. Come and bring your voice So to add some rad to your springtime, get strategising to make Sydney Uni even more campaigning to stop this global catastrophe. to dissent to the nuclear industry, which plans in touch with our Enviro Convenor Aimee dreamy. We’ve got a 700-person petition we’re to dump eternally toxic waste in Indigenous Bull-McMahon on 0407 204 973, or email building, weekly cake stalls with roving human Australian communities, create destructive us on [email protected], or come along This semester we’re continuing our Green windmills, sign-on endorsements from Clubs, mines and consume vast amounts of water to our meetings at 1pm Mondays on the Campus Now! campaign to switch the Socs and Uni Departments, and a sexy yellow to create energy, when clean and green Botany Laws. University to Clean Energy. We are proposing T-shirt contingent which we sport every renewable energy technologies like wind and that the Senate adopts a policy to introduce solar already exist. 20 Bletchley Park www.honisoit.com THE HONI SOIT CROSSWORD

ACROSS 6. First and last beer jug for Chuck 4. “Hcnuh!” Cries Richard III, for one. Hahn (6) (9) 7. Morse begins co-dependency (4) 8. Cartlidge fish beast harks recklessly! 9. Lorne went back to sign up. (5) (5) 14. Worker behind the wickets is an 10. Growing fascinating (11) apiarist (9) 11. Can be found in bronze. (3) 19. Donkey bum killer! (8) 12. The clerk? He bastardises the 20. At first, Joan understood! Dumped disparager. (7) a stupid, terrible kisser (5) 13. Look for addled University to 21. I heard bobby has stacks (6) explode (7) 23. Rectangle’s short death, dragged 16. Apparently Storm-troopers are due out (6) (5) 25. Men you hear list (4)

17-across and 15-down: Dim, 28. Attempt to get it over the line (3)

backwards, consumed, self- (3) go a it Give 28.

diagnosing, cluey (3,3) (4) eat to what decide you Helps 25.

18. Crown Lager downed (5) (3) shape Long 23.

22. Foolishly does rub the sled (7) (6) stacks of stacks with place A 21.

24. Defect to pay out without difficulty (5) silver of pieces 30 of Recipient 20.

(7) (8) Abraham. or

26. Aged beer (3) John Jesse, to John or Mark Robert, 19.

27. Joke around like an Olympic drug (3) Chomped 15. 14. Honey Farmer (9) Farmer Honey 14. canyon, etc. (9) etc. canyon, BEN JENKINS

tester (4, 3, 4) 9. Sign up. (5) up. Sign 9. 16. You probably should be doing one one doing be should probably You 16.

29. Nears broken trap (5) Grand Sisters, Three the at Found 30. 7. A cipher (4) cipher A 7. 13. To ignite (7) ignite To 13.

30. Defend the train to prevent one (5) drum A 29. 6. One who makes beer (6) beer makes who One 6. performers (7) performers

from falling (9) 4) 3, (4, laugh. a Have 27. 5. Regicide (9) Regicide 5. 12. The bane of many revue revue many of bane The 12. 26. Dark Ale (3) Ale Dark 26.

3. Travels down two parallel lines (6) lines parallel two down Travels 3. 11. Sn (3) Sn 11.

DOWN (7) Pox 24. 2. Bashful (3) Bashful 2. 10. Intriguing (11) Intriguing 10.

1. Strangely ensign us for a beer (8) (7) Sorry. sled. a It’s 22. 1. Obi Wan’s last name. (8) name. last Wan’s Obi 1. 8. Predator of the Waves (5) Waves the of Predator 8.

2. Coy heads of state honour you (3) (5) Kingly 18. DOWN 4. Famous resident of Notre Dame (9) Dame Notre of resident Famous 4.

3. Teach the engine (6) (3) Centre 17. ACROSS

5. Search friend for victory (9) (5) this of instead these of SUDOKU THE TAKE HOME* *Questions themed around this week's issue.

1. Other than the knit stitch, what is the other basic knitting stitch?

2. Where does mohair yarn come from?

3. China has more websurfers than the United States. True or false?

4. Objects filled with hot air will float better on water than objects filled with cold air. True or false?

5. Is a cucumber a fruit or a vegetable?

6. Strawberries are part of what family of flowers?

7. Frock has traditionally been used to refer to items of clothing for both men and women. True or false?

8. What is the world’s most expensive wedding dress valued at?

9. How many times has Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France? RATED: Tricky like a fox 10. Approximately how many islands are part of Croatia: 800, 1000 or 1200? RATED: we honestly don’t know how hard these things are 11. Memento was Christopher Nolan’s first film as director. True or false?

12. What is the oldest college at Oxford University: University, Exeter or Oriel? KENKEN 13. When was the first San Diego Comic-Con held? 14: Victoria’s reign lasted for 63 years and seven months. True or false? KENKEN 15. Largesse means: a) Generosity in bestowing gifts b) To play an instrument in a relaxed fashion

c) French for “largest” KENKEN

) 12. University (founded in 1249) 13. 1970 14. True 15. a) 15. True 14. 1970 13. 1249) in (founded University 12. ) was (it False 11. 1200 10. 2005) (1999- row a in times 7 9. diamonds) The Following The ANSWERS: 1. Purl 2. Goat 3. True 4. True 5. A fruit because it has seeds on the inside. 6. The rose family 7. True 8. US $12 million (it features 150 carats of of carats 150 features (it million $12 US 8. True 7. family rose The 6. inside. the on seeds has it because fruit A 5. True 4. True 3. Goat 2. Purl 1. ANSWERS: The Garter Press NO LONGER MADE OF ASBESTOS

ISSUE: 111 (woah!) EST c. 40 000 BC, the very Mists of Time PRICE: You’ll never know! This moth’s wing will block it $23 FORGOTTEN Don’t 19 Ways to Avoid a MOTH OF YOUR worry - it’ll come THE MONTH HOMING back to Punch in the Groin. Love butterflies but hate their majestic you. And other great recipes beauty? Well have we got the moth for you! PIGEON? No. DOLORES - HOLD THIS ARTICLE UNTIL WE KNOW WHO THE GOVERNMENT IS. WE DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE IDIOTS. - ED.

WYATT ROY ACCUSED OF CV STACKING INSIDE MARY BUMFORK Lance Freeman, long time friend and Political Reporter / Fencing Champion sufferer of Roy’s incessant resume WILSON TUCKEY LOSES SEAT loading. There’s no joke here - just really enjoyed typing that. History was made on Saturday “I mean, I get that when you front night, as Wyatt Roy, 20 year-old up for a clerkship and you’re able Liberal candidate for Longman, LOCAL MAN SURVIVES BOAT to say, ‘I was the representative for was elected as the youngest person EXPLOSION. over 85,000 Australian Citizens in to ever serve in the House of Trick to his survival “being some this country’s highest office, plus Representatives. distance away in his house”. I’ve done my First Aid course’, well the bloke’s going to take notice.” While most of the media coverage HOW MANY PENS has focused on his inexperience, Roy’s mother says that she is can we fit in our mouths? Gore new criticisms are coming to light, refused to speak directly to the exceptionally proud of her son, and Vidal and Noam Chomsky team up calling into question his genuine accusations, saying that he was that experiences like these, and all to investigate! dedication to the job and accusing looking forward to the challenges the Red Shield Appeals he’s worked the young MP of only running for ahead in this new phase of his so hard on, couldn’t hurt his chances office because it sounds good in a career, but also said he wasn’t ruling WATERGATEGATEGATEGATE! if he wanted to apply for that job interview. out running for Honi Soit later this New footage of Woodward cadetship at the ABC. year. and Bernstein breaking into “This is his bloody Duke of Look for the new ‘soft’ Garter, Washington hotel uncovered, The young Member for Longman Edinburgh all over again,” confided available at all distribution points found to be fabricated, then not. The Garter Press Comment

containing verbs (doing words). Julia Gillard, in the other hand, GET FIGHTING is appealing to women voters and therefore is using language and words to be more feminine, FIT... FAST! mainly by having a higher voice. With Davey “Punchy- But with our parliament hanged Punch” Boxcar (that is the correct way of saying it, look it up!) the only BE CREATIVE! Exercise is Dear Davey, thing that remains sure is that all around us, we just need I’m an elderly female retiree, nothing remains sure! Come to find it, then tackle it to the what may, whomsoever is the who has began to notice ground. Prime Minister come what that I am getting a little bit may, one thing remains for more padding (in all the For instance, next time you sure - our leaders, more than wrong places!) than I’d like. ever, will need to use words to go to the shops to buy some Now that Winter is behind communicate with their voters items for your personage, me, I’d like to lose some of - and Maisy will be there to help stand in the checkout line, my insulation! Do you have you. counting your 5c pieces until any tips? someone complains. Then, Hey... maybe this politician thing when they do, BAM! Left isn’t such a bad idea after all! Francesca Vote for Maisy! Maisy for the voting, all about speeches. hook! This is a great way to Prime Minister! Who could forget Kennedy’s find some unwilling sparring rousing speech where he told LETTER OF THE WEEK Francesca! partners. Remember Franc- I joke of course (hello, have all Americans to stop asking him we met!?), you cannot vote for to do things for them, or when esca, always visualise your Each week, we get literally billions of letters I was so excited to receive Maisy anymore, but you can’t Winston Churchill famously success and keep your hands flooding into The Garter. While this is usu- your letter that I accidentally blame a gal for trying! That’s remarked “We’ll fight them at ally encouraging, our new work experience up. punched the postman right in right, today in our Wonderful the beach, please.” kid just isn’t up to it. I don’t know where he his head! Not to worry though, World of Words, we are going to came from, I think he’s somebody’s nephew. Davey, Anyway, thanks to Kyle... I think his name he knows better than to catch be having a look at the Federal But what about the speeches My swimming carnival is Election of 2010. and words in this election? is Kyle... God, I hope it’s Kyle. I called him the champ unawares and was Kyle this morning when he was stocking coming up, and I’m too em- What do they say about the wearing that special helmet I my fridge. Thanks to Kyle [Dolores, if the barrassed to take my shirt Are you confused? I don’t blame candidates? Well, Tony and boy’s name isn’t Kyle, please change this made for him. you at all. And while I may not Julia (yes, we’re on a first name immediately... wait, it’s David. Just off. How can I get fit fast? be a Corky O’Brian or a Tony base! haha) have very different remembered that it’s definitely David. Needless to say, Francesca, Jonas, I think I might have a styles which speak volumes (of Change all the ‘Kyles’ to ‘Davids’ and tell him I’m sorry for calling him Kyle] Tim word or too to say about the words, that is) about their own . he is dead now. Anyway, here’s a letter that Kyle didn’t man- aspect of this election I happen individual characters. age to accidentally burn. TIM. I was so saddened to to know a little about... what am Thank you for your letter. read your letter that I literally I going to have a word about? After looking at both speakers, Many elderly people feel that Dear The Garter, shot the messenger with my Why - the words! it’s clear that Tony Abbott Here are a number of disparaging remarks I they should just sit around, gun which I own for emergen- is trying to portray a man of have prepared about people from the Philip- eating prunes and waiting for Elections are, and have been action who gets things done, cies and special occasions. pines. Their skulls for one, are shaped - death to sneak up on them since the Greeks invented with nearly all of his sentences unwisely continued on page 6 and kick them to death. Not Your story is an all too familiar you Francesca, and I respect you all thanks a bunch. one Tim, with so many chil- And The that. Chez Fancyspoon’s dren around this country of Winner Now I think this is going to come ours succumbing to the lure of No, people like you lay in wait, Is... Antony as a surprise to our two panelists, Fine Dining ice-creams and the promise of like a tiger who is so smart it who will no doubt point out that diabetes. Swimming carnivals Green, Emporium can wear a blouse, waiting Green wasn’t even running, and used to be a day for the two Bitches! even if he was, there’s no way a For years now, Chesterton Fancyspoons for the ol’ reaper to come a has been delighting his patrons with the F’s (fun and fitness) but are knockin’, then they open the ANTONY GREEN single person can ‘win’ an entire finest ingredients, the most innovative now a day for the two F’s election. These are all interesting door all sweet like, and say, recipes and things that usually aren’t on (fatty-fatty fat fat). Well, with results now just starting points, and one that I’m sure our ‘Hello Sonny, would you like fire, served on fire, or over three days old. to come in from across the coun- new benevolent overlord Antony Come and see what the critics are saying a cup of’ - BANG! RIGHT IN I can’t tell you how to get fit in try, the entire nation is hunkering Green will consider from atop his “is to a legitimate restaurant as a meth THE THROAT! time, after all, I’m not Super- down for election night 2010. Now, executive thinking chair. lab is to a pharmacy”. man (and I should know, I you have to understand that this is There are several exercises Menu Highlights Include: beat him to death). But what I going to be an especially tight one, No O’Brien, you can’t see my which I would recommend coming down to just a few margin- can teach you is this. You will laptop. Snail stuffed with its own shell for a woman of your age to al seats, we might not be able to get RESULTS if you BELIEVE (qui est le shell maintenant, mon pote) stay fighting fit and so strong call it tonight, but we should have Well, I think I’m ready to call this in YOURSELF, and when that you could, actually must, an idea of ... no, wait, I’m getting one to Antony Green. There were a Seaweed, served still attached to the bed of those kids make fun of you, the ocean, select, source yourself (Modest crush a bingo ball with your something coming up here... lot of people who said this couldn’t just be sure to PUNCH them diving equipment provided) elbow. happen, and I guess Green would in the DICK. Yes, well, it looks like, against all be wanting to tell those people to Pheasant in mid-flight, hurtling unstoppably Just like if you were paint- odds, and remember that this is go fuck themselves, softly, then into a bed of cos lettuce, seared lightly by just based on preliminary data - hard. But he wouldn’t. Antony passing effortlessly through a hoop of fire ing a painting or making a Got a question for Davey? Email it to his some music, the trick is TO email address! that the election has been won by Green is a professional. Book early to avoid disappointment (ours) no other than Antony Green, fuck

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Wait, it’s only one what they’re worth? worth Falls, in reference to TRAIN TO HOMEBUSH get until your reign of terror is of those things. either our “Which citrus is 55c for one, or that num- the conversation going with brought to an end by the the best citrus?” question, or ber times how ever many this hand full of coins, total- cleaning lady. our “What is the best way to stamps you want. ing just less than the fare to PERSONALS dispose of a dead hooker?” Homebush. Highly frustrat- COMPUTR KYBOARD is competition. Either way, thanks ONE END OF MY EXTEN- ing. Call now 0442 789 780 missing th lttr ‘ ’. Shouldn’t Marjorie! SION CORD for hire. Must b too much of a problm. WOMAN needed to live with live within 3 metres of me CHILDHOOD MEMORY, alsothspacbarjustflloff me on my estate, enter- Graham Davids of Woy Woy and not want to use it for pretty hazy, it’s either half tain guests, maintain order remembers a time in Australia anything loud ph.8210 9933 the Blinky Bill theme, or among the maids and keep “when there were no coins and that awful trip to Avoca we your damn mouth shut in we still had a damn national fruit DEHYDRATED GRAPE which took when I was five. WANTED polite company. (the Blood Lychee).” Thanks gives you a sense of pur- Contact C. Fancyspoons im- Graham, next time try writing pose. Raisin d’etre. Boom. your letter on some paper, rather POGO SHOES unimaginably BUTTERFLY POOP I do mediately. that taping it to the bonnet of a dangerous footwear for all believe this could be the DEHYDRATED GRAPE which car and driving it through our those who like to put a little answer. Soon. Very soon. is fit for a wealthy sover- DEATHS offices. ‘spring’ in their step. Please Contact I.D. Mulchbeast. eign. Sultana of Brunei. just take them off me, I’ll Zing. Ian Reed of Homebush sent be bouncing uncontrollably LOOKING FOR boiling water, HISTORY - Police are cur- us a pretty angry letter about through the streets of An- some dried noodles and two rently interviewing Mr proper proofreading here at DEHYDRATED GRAPE which nandale till late tomorrow. minutes of your time. This Yoshihiro Francis Fukuyama. Column∞. Point well taken changes to taste. Alternat- Come quickly! will blow your damn mind. Ian! Wont happen again! ing Currant. Gazoomba. I FOUND $5 IN MY JEANS We seem to have another opinion HYDRATED GRAPE, slightly COURSES AND PRI- I’m not selling anything, just Are you looking to sell or on the “Do dogs have eyes?” fermented, would suit a wanted all you suckas to VATE TUITION buy anything at all? We at debate (Column∞ 21/3/01 - person trying to decide know! How much is this ad? The Garter will run your ad present). Dr. Frank Matheson of whether it would cost less Dammit. STUDY using Google Trans- until we get bored, and then Bondi simply writes “Yes! They to catch a taxi or a horse: late for businesses, profit we wont run it anymore. obviously do! Have you people Cab-or-neigh, saving on? We WASHER/DRYER it will dry and Fun! Good Surprise That’s our guarantee! never seen a dog eye? God!” done? We done. your washer! Bettie Farthing writes in to point out that the last three AKIMBO to go along with the whole words of Dr Matheson’s letter You will either be the Prime thing and pretend you work were a palindrome. You work Minister or the leader of in the shop up the road fast Bettie! HOROSCOPES from their house. Which, to ATARI level head in order to deal the opposition. Or neither The distinction between of those things. These are be clear, you don’t. Jerry of Chatswood has a novel with them. We’re sorry if idea about getting more children ‘parachute pants’ and ‘an the three options for your that was hard to hear. reading, but it was pretty much actual parachute’ is one week. RAINBOW ROAD child abuse, and even if we ex- that will become all too im- While it should be stressed HUFFLEPUFF cused that, it didn’t really seem to portant for you this week. THE CRAB ONE that there is absolutely no Your boundless enthusiasm need to panic, you really have anything to do with reading An old friend will come at all. Thanks all the same, Jerry! and zest for new experi- need to keep on top of ences will become entirely back into your life in the VENICE near future, only it will be that first aid course, like, Look, we’re not in the irrelevant soon when you Ian Reed of Homebush sent on a train and you wont just see it through to the us a pretty angry letter about businiess of bullshiting you, are shot through the face have much to talk about, so end and make sure you pay proper proofreading here at so we’ll lay this out as sim- by a wayward arrow. to avoid it getting awkward attention when they talk Column∞. Point well taken ply as we can: You will face you’ll get off at an earlier about treating jaguar bites. Ian! Wont happen again! many challenges this week, PURPLE stop, which will turn out to Send your submissions to Column∞: and you will need to keep a Skins Season 4 is overdue. [email protected] be their stop, so you’ll have

THE GARTER PRESS The Garter Riddle! The Easel WOULD LIKE TO By The Garter’s own Puzzle Pegasus! Always wanted a 1923 Fun- THANK LITERALLY Think you have what it takes to beat The Garter Fair Carousel, but only have EVERY SINGLE PERSON Riddle? Yes? Well that’s pretty arrogant when enough spare money for pa- CURRENTLY ALIVE OR you consider that it was only written by a freak- per? There’s no need to get all sad about it! Just use your tiny DEAD, EXCEPT: ing pegasus! Oh well, good luck to you. Get your scissors to cut around these mind umbrellas ready, because it’s time for a brain- shapes, then join them togeth- storm! er making sure that your hands remain perfectly still. Ben Jenkins and Henry Martin and Melvin are brothers who do everything together. They shop together, go to the theatre together, even go on In no time at all (average con- Hawthorne double dates together! Now, the brothers are out with their struction time 4wks - 1yr) you’ll mother at a restaurant when the bill arrives. Martin insists on be watching your little Carousel paying the whole amount, and Melvin insists the same. The of fun, spinning majestically as mother comes up with a solution which pleases them both. if by magic! What is it?

***No you may not touch them. touch not may you ***No NOTE: Will not spin under any

***Yes I am a real pegasus.**** real a am I ***Yes

**No, that is the real answer.*** real the is that **No, circumstances.

*‘the bill’ is the name of their father, ‘Bill’.** father, their of name the is bill’ *‘the She suggests that ‘the bill’ pays.* bill’ ‘the that suggests She ? Answer: You two can go to hell.