BBC 6 Music’s Shaun Keaveny, Does music change the taste of wine? Sampling Strongroom bottles made by , , studios, London. 3rd July 2017 Nicki Minaj, and Fergie while listening to their songs, a Noble Rot panel gives their verdict… HE ARD IT THROUGH THE GR APE VI NE

Words by George Reynolds Photos by Benjamin McMahon

64 Noble Rot Noble Rot 65 t all started with a message in a bottle. Specifcally, ‘Message Noble Rot: Nicki Minaj’s MYX NM: Even if I was off my tits PAIRING ONE Fusions is America’s best-selling I’d still think this is shit. in a Bottle’, a wine made in Tuscany by Sting. A friend had MYX FUSIONS Moscato wine, with more than brought it over for dinner; we had a laugh about the terrible MOSCATO 8 million small blue bottles sold. The bassline from Nicki Minaj’s name and then it ended up buried somewhere in a mixed case, out WITH NICKI It’s a 5.5% ABV, sugary, sparkling 2014 hit Anaconda begins to throb of sight and mind. Until a piece in the Guardian, one of those MINAJ’S 2014 HIT white wine combined with through the studio monitors… ‘ANACONDA’ fruit juice. cod-popular-science things they occasionally publish, about how a Shaun Keaveny: What? This is NM: Have you ever seen the video I wine with fruit juice? She’s not for this? It’s basically her butt. I ‘sonic artist’ called Jo Burzynska had curated a series of soundtracks holding out much hope for her think it got banned. MTV said it that – she claimed – were the perfect musical accompaniment to the own fucking drink, is she? (Nosing was— world’s most storied varietals. intently) It’s a little bit like when SK: —too shit? Not adverse to conducting our own pseudo-cutting-edge oenoscientifc you’re a child and you fnd a little ME: It’s actually made the wine bit of sherbet left over in the smell less for me. research here at Noble Rot, it seemed logical that the most complementary bottom of your school bag and SK: It’s like you’ve got toothache music and wine matches may well be created by the same people – you fnish it off – it’s lost its – and the only way of forgetting namely the host of famous musicians who own their own wineries potency, but it’s still quite sugary. about the toothache is to have Neal Martin: If you’re going a considerably greater pain, and wine brands. So, collecting together bottles from Mick Hucknall, to make something like this, at like having your foot caught in Cliff Richard, Nicky Minaj, Fergie and (of course) Gordon Sumner least have lots of fruit on the nose a bear trap. himself we invited a crack panel of wine and music cognoscenti to put – as you said, there’s nothing ME: I can imagine her drinking it. there. So it’s like, OK – make a NM: I don’t think she’d be our chart-topping thesis to the test. crappy sweet drink with loads that stupid. Passing judgement over our tasting at London’s Strongroom of sugar in it – but at least make Studios were sainted BBC 6 Music Breakfast Show hosts Shaun it peachy. Noble Rot asks Neal Martin SK: It’s characterless, that’s the for his points score out of 100. Keaveny and Matt Everitt, and the world’s second most influential problem. But I’m not expecting He decides on a lacklustre 51. We wine critic, Neal ‘Junior-Bob’ Martin. What, we reasoned, was the worst to fnd much character in a 5.5% then consult the rest of the panel that could happen? The answer was: wine made by Mick Hucknall. bottle of Nicki Minaj’s fruit for their tasting notes… champers, really. Matt Everitt: I think at a music SK: I don’t know that much about festival, in a pint cup, with wine but that fucking stinks. It some ice, at about half one in the smells like somebody’s knocked morning, you might think “It’s the top off a battery. It’s just acrid, not bad, this.” isn’t it? IT’S LIKE YOU’VE GOT TOOTHACHE AND THE ONLY WAY OF FORGETTING ABOUT THE TOOTHACHE IS TO HAVE A CONSIDERABLY GREATER PAIN, LIKE HAVING YOUR FOOT CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP (Left to right) Matt Everitt, Neal Martin & Shaun Keaveny

66 Noble Rot Noble Rot 67 A blend of Syrah, Merlot, Grenache her album than drink that whole PAIRING TWO and Cabernet Sauvignon from fucking bottle. It’s very strong… 2012 FERGUSON California’s Santa Ynez Valley, ME: It’s very boozy. It feels like a CREST Black Eyed Peas’ singer Fergie is little bit of lighter fluid at the end ‘FERGALICIOUS’ passionate about winemaking. of each mouthful. WITH FERGIE’S “Take a look at my family crest NR: It’s 14.7%. 2006 BANGER and you’ll find a boar’s head, an SK: Fucking hell! ancient symbol of hospitality,” she It’s virtually sherry. ‘FERGALICIOUS’ writes on the winery’s website. “I can’t think of a more perfect way Noble Rot turns to NM for to honour my family’s heritage his score. and carry on that tradition of warmth and generosity than to NM: I can’t really score that share with you Ferguson Crest’s because it’s undrinkable. The collection of wines, the latest gift music defnitely isn’t improving it. from my father’s extraordinarily green thumb.” There is a lengthy There goes our ‘scientific’ pause while we wait for one of the point-scoring system. The rest world’s most influential wine of the ‘Fergalicious’ is hastily critics to stop pissing himself with ditched, and we move onto wine laughter. The tasting continues. number three, from Mick Hucknall, which is not called SK: That’s casserole wine. ‘’. This, all agree, is a NM: You’d put it in a casserole? missed opportunity – like AC/DC SK: Why, what would you put it in? putting out a magnum-only range NM: A drain? On the nose… that of fruity Zinfandel blush and not volatility. It feels warm. Vinegary, calling it ‘A Whole Lotta Rosé’. acetic. Nail varnishy. Instead (fancy!) it’s an Etna SK: Sort of edging towards balsamic? Rosso called ‘Il Cantante’ (‘The ME: …which is the name of my Singer’), and we’re tasting the autobiography. first-ever vintage, 2003. For legal reasons please note that there is Noble Rot cues up the musical no evidence to suggest that the version of Fergalicious. bottling of this millésime is, as one of the panel proposed, “When SK: I’d rather spend nine months Martine McCutcheon was sick in the studio with Fergie recording in his dreadlocks”.

68 Noble Rot Noble Rot 69 PAIRING THREE A Nerello Mascalese/Nerello it? It’s populist, but tasteless. PAIRING FOUR SK: Is that actually what it’s Gold and remixed it… Cappuccio blend from the slopes ME: It’s something like the called? I wonder how long that SK: Yeah, and put on “IL CANTANTE” of Mount Etna, Mick Hucknall 12th best-selling album of all time STING’S 2013 took him. guest vocals. ETNA ROSSO made this wine with the help of in the UK. It’s Soul for people who IL PALAGIO NR: We’ve got a quote from Sting 2003 BY Veronese producer Carlo Nerozzi. don’t like Soul, isn’t it? ‘MESSAGE about the wine here: “The reason Discussion shifts to what song to MICK HUCKNALL SK: Or Europeans. IN A BOTTLE’ I purchased this property and play alongside. Debate ensues, WITH SIMPLY SK: That smells unwine-y to me. TOSCANO IGT farm the land is because I wanted including the immortal ME: It smells a bit like a urinal. A The conversation meanders to nourish my family with genuine observation that “This is a Sting RED ‘STARS’ little bit of the Gents’. to another Simply Red track, WITH THE POLICE quality products and live in a wine, this isn’t a Police wine”. NR: (knowledgeably): Faecal. . Neal ‘MESSAGE healthy environment.” But it just Eventually a relatively happy Martin ups his street cred by IN A BOTTLE’ feels kind of mass-produced, consensus forms around the 1993 Noble Rot proceeds to quote the pointing out that it was originally generic, no? solo track Seven Days. wine writer Anthony Hanson, and a punk song by Hucknall’s former SK: The thing that annoys me a his famous observation that band the Frantic Elevators. We bit about all of this – not Minaj ME: I quite like this song. “Great Burgundy smells of shit”. find the original on YouTube. It is a and Fergie, the populists, SK: Splash cymbals everywhere. good song. It does not help the wine. you’d expect that from them – ME: It’s fucking pretentious, but SK: You’re right, there is a little but Sting is worth about a this is not a pretentious wine. something…festering inside it. SK: The wine leaves residue on hundred million fucking quid, NR: Far from pretentious. NM: It’s severely under-ripe your teeth. he doesn’t need the money, he’s SK: It’s the fucking Fratellis, this. grapes, for me. It’s green, vegetal. NR: Would you rate this under extraordinarily cultured, he’s got ME: But is it a tantric wine, But to be fair it’s 14 years old and Nicki Minaj? a lute collection, so it’s like, why though? That’s the question. probably made to drink within a SK: Hmm. At least you could drink do something you’re going to SK: It’d take me eight hours to couple of years. the Nicki Minaj one. churn out a shitload of bottles of fnish a glass. ME: Plastic cup at Glastonbury, – if you really like wine, why not The panel requests Do The Right you’d be fne. But this stuff… do it on a really small level, do a Despite regular use of the Thing to accompany ‘Il Cantante’, SK: It’s like drinking Toilet Duck. really high-end wine, do something spittoon, the wine – and a few but Spotify is not being helpful. really classy? glasses of Champagne Gaston We settle instead for Simply Red’s And that is that for ‘Il Cantante’. NR: Do you think selling more is Chiquet Tradition Brut 1991 chart-topper Stars. Only two wines to go – and onto the most important thing to equate beforehand – is beginning to take the one that put this whole with success? Like what he’s used effect. Everyone, it turns out, SK: It’s kind of like the wine, isn’t disastrous experiment in motion. to from music? ‘fucking loves Sting’. This is the SK: Probably, but then his lute first time people have been talking album only sold about 700 copies. about the music with real NM: I think that the mistake enthusiasm; the wine is an Sting made – or not Sting, afterthought. On the basis of its whoever’s advising him – is to put utterly unremarkable profile the Syrah in. Syrah doesn’t go with and palate, this feels about Sangiovese. He should have just right. Hopes are not exactly gone with Sangiovese. sky-high for the final bottle of NR: It’s very bland. the tasting, a Portuguese red NM: It’s like he’s taken Fields Of made by Sir Cliff Richard.

Noble Rot’s Dan Keeling and George Reynolds trying to get Spotify to work, again

70 Noble Rot Noble Rot 71 72 Noble Rot Noble Rot 73 NR: Bodega Do Cantor AKA and suggests we listen to some of era, so I’m immediately more if we put some music on in the PAIRING FIVE winery of the singer (are you Cliff’s music. Devil Woman slinks comfortable when I can kick my background.” And so they put the BODEGA DO seeing a theme?) is our last onto the speakers. shoes off and listen to Devil frst song on, and it was one of my CANTOR QUINTA producer. A blend of Syrah and Woman – anything I’m drinking is favourite Primal Scream songs. DO MOINHO ‘VIDA Aragonez from Guia in the NM: Who do you think’s had going to be elevated slightly. And then they put the next song on NOVA’ RESERVA Algarve, Sir Cliff put his estate more sex in their life, Cliff Richard Whereas listening to fucking – this fairly obscure Prince song. on the market two years ago, or Morrissey? Fergie – even if I was drinking ’61 One of my favourite songs as well. WITH CLIFF and dropped the asking by SK: Oh that’s an EXCELLENT Château Lafite I’d want to And after about four or fve songs, I RICHARD three million Euros at the start question. Because they are both defenestrate myself. realised that they’d researched me, ‘DEVIL WOMAN’ of this year. like rock and roll eunuchs, aren’t ME: With Sting you’re kind of found my Spotify, and just put it on SK: I’ve got this problem in they? I think Morrissey’s just imagining sitting on a balcony in the background. It happened in Cricklewood. Can’t get rid of my about edging it, but he probably somewhere in Italy… South Africa too. I had to ask them two-bed. hasn’t had sex in like nineteen SK: …looking at a vast vineyard… to turn it off. NR: (reading from another years or something. What do ME: …and Sting’s probably SK: If you’re looking for a mild voluminous press release): “Sir you think? brought you one of Sting’s… euphoria you’re going to put your Cliff is very much involved in NR: …bruschetta. favourite music on, Friday night, producing the wine. When in Fortunately, at this point, we SK: “I’ve made a tapenade!” you and your missus – and it Portugal he’s often seen getting reach the chorus. ME: Someone’s brought out some enhances the experience. But not his hands dirty in the vineyard…” local cheeses… necessarily the taste of the NM: This is a brilliant song, SK: …one of the local boys has wine, especially if it tastes like Pause as room full of grown men I’m sorry. brought us some… Oh no, that’s something you’d lick off the rolls around laughing. SK: “She’s gonna get you from Cliff again, isn’t it? bottom of a fucking dog’s paw. behind.” It’s a strap-on situation! NR: (hastily) So, to summarise the I’d love to say I enjoyed this NR: …or indeed his feet dirty in Cliff is clearly getting the boys best wine matches: a draw for last experience, but I enjoyed the winery. Can you guess what going. Carrie is next up. place between Mick Hucknall and everything apart from the wine. grapes are in it? SK: It’s a bit like the Minder Fergie, Sting next, Nicki Minaj I did not think this through at all. NM: Syrah. theme tune, now I think about it. (contentiously) at number two and I thought, “Marvellous, I’ll have a NR: Syrah, and Aragonez. Tasting NR: So what are we saying about Sir Cliff at number one. few glasses of nice wine with Noble notes on the website: “Flashes this wine and music match? NM: I think that will make him Rot, it’ll be delightful. But of of mint, and hints of tarry-edged SK: It’s one of the best ones. feel much, much better after all course it was disgusting.” mocha, intertwined with spiny NM: It’s the best one. the scandals. cedar wood-note. The mix of ripe SK: It’s inoffensive, whereas the NR: (yet more hastily): Going back And with that, none of us much black stone fruit moves through others are offensive. The Fergie to Jo Burzynska’s premise, do we the wiser as to anything we’d smoky mocha and tobacco notes one was the worst, for me. think listening to music changes set out to discover, it was over. ending with a pronounced, black NM: The worst-tasting one was the taste of the wine? Perhaps wine and music do mix; cherry-tinged fnish.” the Hucknall one. But, it was SK: I think it can distract you a almost certainly, some musicians SK: I think the guy who wrote that fourteen years old. So I think… little bit from bad wine. and wine do not. Feel free to has had a microdot blown up his SK: Mitigation? NM: Can I let rip a little bit? This replicate the experiment for arse. Because that’s not happening NM: I might go Minaj, actually. whole music and wine thing is just yourself at home, but take it on my tongue at the moment. I’m quite disappointed. Because the biggest bollocks. It’s absolute from us: when Fergie told us ME: I think he’s a bit of a hero, our it’s easy to make that – nice and bullshit. on ‘Fergalicious’ that “they Cliff. Cliff is innocent. There’s a fruity and easy to drink. You can NR: How can you say that after wanna taste of what I got”, she naïveté and an innocence about manufacture that easily. experiencing MYX Moscato with probably wasn’t talking about a Cliff. ME: I think ‘Fergalicious’ was Nicky Minaj’s Anaconda? 14.7% Syrah-Merlot-Cab SK: I agree with that. The nearest worse. I couldn’t drink NM: It proves my point. If I’m Sauvignon blend. he got to a sexual experience was ‘Fergalicious’. I could drink Minaj. tasting wine, I’m not going to going out with Una Stubbs for a It’s interesting that, during listen to music, because obviously couple of meals. drinking the Cliff wine, we chatted it’s as simple as “Oh I like that more. No one was in a hurry. song, I feel happy, therefore that The following five minutes of SK: It’s between Sting and Devil wine might taste a little bit better.” conversation are unprintable for a Woman. But that’s our problem – There was one time when I was in Thanks to Paisley Kennett, colourful array of legal reasons. we’re skewed here, aren’t we? I’m Chile when I was doing a tasting, Danton Supple, Emma, Joshua Eventually, Noble Rot intercedes fatally skewed, because that’s my and this person said, “Do you mind and all at Strongroom Studios

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