CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE Blame It on My

CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE

Blame It On My Confidence

A graduate project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements For the degree of Master of Art in Art, Visual Art

Andrea Clary

May 2018

ii The graduate project of Andrea Clary is approved:

______Laura Long, MFA Date

______Samantha Fields, MFA Date

______Patsy Cox, MFA, Chair Date

California State University, Northridge

iii Dedications

To my family, friends, and Professors:

Without your support, guidance, and knowledge I would not be the person I am today. To my family, making this crazy change from marine biology to ceramics, you stuck by me in every decision I have made. Thank you for trusting me being in the studio late at night till the early morning and also housing every ceramic object I have made! To my friends thank you for being a community where I can lean on in comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and to vent out rough days. You are my support group! Also to my friends who would come stay late nights with me as I finish my work and keep me motivated throughout my years at CSUN. Lastly to all my amazing professors, thank you for going through this journey of my ups and downs with art. You all keep me on the right track and thank you for never losing hope in me.

Table of Contents

Copyright Page ii Signature Page iii Dedications iv Abstract vi Indroduction 1 Section 1: Body Positivity 2 Section 2: Hip Hop 3 Section 3: Influence 5 Section 4: Form and Process 8 Conclusion 11 Bibliography 12 Appendix A: Images 13

v Abstract

Blame It On My Confidence

By Andrea Clary Master of Art in Art, Visual Art

“I’m so self- conscious, that’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches” -Kanye West, “All Falls Down”

Reacting to media images of celebrity culture, I am deeply impacted by contemporary westernized beauty ideals. Fashion, body image, and celebration of femininity are the starting points; hip-hop’s assertive cultural messages of defiance become the response. I am learning to love and accept my own body and channel this personal growth into object making.

Mimicking parts of my body, through folds and undulations, my surfaces are accessorized by luxury print and fabric surfaces. Gold luster is used to symbolically reference high level of self-confidence as well as the great monetary value society places on wealth and status, especially as seen through Hip-Hop’s cultural underpinnings.

vi Introduction

My work explores ideas about of indulgence, high-maintenance, and lavishness.

The receptive nature of clay captures my marks while allowing me to give permanence to my ideas by firing the clay, which results in a ceramic object. Self-acceptance inspired by the Body Positive Movement is incorporated it into my work, and has allowed me to embrace a new-found confidence and ability to share that struggle with others. Being a plus size woman does not fit within conventional ideas of perfection as portrayed through media. Creating objects that mimic parts of my own body, that I once was dissatisfied with, allow me to celebrate and embrace my physicality. Through my work, I aspire to share the struggle toward a more confident acceptance of who you are, and to empower others to realize and recognize their own power. Body Positivity is becoming mainstream, it’s stated meaning encourages the adoption of affirmations and encouraging attitudes toward the negativity that often colors one’s perceptions of self. My work is part of a subtle nod for others to acknowledge the potential of a healthy perspective toward celebrating who they are as they too navigate the influential, difficult and unachievable standards defined by images of perfection that surround us.

1 Section 1: Body Positivity

Talking about one’s body can be a very delicate subject especially if you are plus- sized. Societal definitions of plus-sized people include judgements with damaging words including: lazy, undisciplined, unhealthy, disgusting and unhappy. The weight of these judgements can affect a person’s perception of themselves in devastating ways.

Challenging conventional societal judgement can be extremely difficult. It is okay to

“love the skin you are in” and to love yourself by finding the power to challenge

“perfection” and expectation. My pieces represent parts of my body that feel criticized and critiqued. I am taking ownership over how I am portrayed and seen.

Reading the autobiography by actress Gabourey Sidibe, This Is Just My Face, was instrumental in my understanding that I am not alone in my struggles. “I knew that no matter what someone was going to make fun of me every day, and I prayed to be able to hold my tears” (Sidibe, 123). I recognized that if I did not find some voice to help me structure and develop my own vision of myself I would continue to have difficulty. I found that voice in Sidibe’s sharing of her own struggles and it is a further inspiration that hearing the stories of others can be life changing. This passion to share my voice has made its way into my creative work. Sidibe’s descriptions of her experiences were enlightening, she also wrote, “I learned that if I couldn’t stop the jokes about my weight I could make them first like exaggerating my weight was part of some elaborate comedy act” (Sidibe, 123). It was a strategy to not let people get to her. I developed my own strategy by making my pieces “desirable” before someone could tell me that they are not, after this exercise, no one can tell me how to see myself. I found my power through example, I aspire to be that example for others.

2 Section 2: Hip Hop

Kanye West’s hip-hop album, The College Dropout, 2004 was the first album I owned when I was thirteen. The College Dropout, and Late Registration, 2005, was my gateway to hip-hop music. There is something about hip-hop music that boosts my confidence. The lyrics which include, “I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly” were vital in getting me through the day. The 1994 song, “Juicy” by The Notorious

B.I.G. about his struggle and was so real it struck me and resonated with my own frustrations. His confidence was evident through his narrative, “…just the right blend of plump confidence and plumper insecurity out into the atmosphere” (Serrano, 104).

People knew what Biggie was rapping about, it was poignant and utterly relatable. Hip- hop doesn’t always send a positive message but I found solace in a few of its statements at a time when I was seeking affirmation. In Kanye West’s album, The College Dropout, the song “All Falls Down” is West’s struggle with his insecurities. “It’s about being self- conscious, but really it’s about being insecure” (Serrano, 205). These words reached me as I, too, was feeling self-conscious and insecure, by in my case, that unease was about my body.

“I’ve got a cute face chubby waist thick legs in shape rump shaking both ways make you do a double take.” Missy Elliot is a woman rapper who has a unique style.

“She, a woman with a body society deems too big, and skin too dark….who amplified the qualities that made her unique, who used her style, makeup, and music to reject Western beauty standards. She defined her own standard of beauty by being a boss” (Acquaye,

Teen Vogue). With her style and lyrics, she was someone who I can relate too. She showed the music world that you can still be weird, look different, and still be successful.

3 Another female rapper that also shines through her confidence was Queen Latifah. “I’ve reinvented myself so many times throughout my career, but I always go back to my true essence. Coming home to yourself might not always feel like the best place, but it’s you, and you’ve got to embrace that” (Shanahan, InStyle). Latifah taught me to always stay true to you no matter what anyone says. Her music is so empowering and it was there for me to get through tough days.

I continued to seek affirmation through this music. It seemed to speak my thoughts more eloquently than I could articulate them at the time and “to let all the haters know they cannot touch you”. It makes sense for me to title my pieces after the snippets of empowerment I find in certiant hip-hop songs play that repeat in my head as I’m working. During my studio time, music is always playing and that is when I just let some of the lyrics speak to my work.

4 Section 3: Influence

I constantly seek people who look like me in movies, television shows, and models looking for similar affirmations of successful individuals who have arrived in the world despite their personal struggles with weight or body image. I have always struggled with my weight in both the numbers on the scale and the invisible weight of how others look at me. Compliments can be painful to negotiate in their complexity, “you would be so pretty if you just lose weight” or “you are pretty for a big girl”. I used to believe that being this heavy would get me nowhere. Feeling this way most of my life was exhausting and depressing. Finally it was enough. Confidence was key to get all the poison thoughts out of my mind. I just owned it! Women, who look like me and who are speaking about their bodies, are becoming easier to find and are my influences for my body of work.

Tess Holliday is a supermodel, feminist, and body activist. She is the forefront of the body positivity movement. Holliday’s book, The Not So Subtle Art of Being a Fat

Girl has had a profound impact on me. Her example, like the affirmations I’ve found in music is influential to how one sees themselves in the world. Her example has informed the work I am making today. “I was born to stand out, to make people question things they thought they knew, and to exist fearlessly in a space that we are told bodies like mine don’t deserve to be in” (Holliday, 2). She help me realize that it is okay to celebrate the me that doesn’t align with what others expectations of beautiful are and that I get to define beautiful for myself. The vulnerability of using parts of my body as a point of departure of my work was made accessible by her example. “The real issue isn’t that I’m fat, it’s that you are scared of seeing someone who is happy AND fat”

5 (Holliday, 39). I am confident in my work and desire to be the example to encourage others through sharing my story in a similar way to those that showed me a path toward a healthier vision of self through sharing their journeys. Holliday is very active on social media, posting images from her photo-shoots, all while internet trolls bash her and how she looks. Her hashtag #effyourbeautystandards is a significant tool. “If you’re tired of people telling you what you should wear, post a picture of yourself with the hashtag

#effyourbeautystandards” (Holliday, 235). It is vividly apparent that there will always be trolls, everywhere, both online and out in the world and her example of confronting the negative is inspiring.

Kimberly Dark is a writer, sociologist, and yoga instructor who authors articles about about being a plus size women. Her article on the blog host, Medium, “Haha,

You’re so fat! (Anatomy of a Put Down)”, documents the story of a young kid who was making fun of her at a restaurant and her response was how the situation did not bother her. This has happened to me more times than I can remember. People have no filter but reading this article made me have some ease in my mind and soul. “There’s power to be gained in successfully hurting another person’s feelings. It’s a sad kind of power, but it’s power nonetheless” (Dark, Haha, You’re so fat! (Anatomy of a Put Down)). All the power the people had to hurt my feelings, I just channel it into my work and make a positive mind sight about it. Ceramics is a way for me to forget about all the hurtful statements people make about me. Dark also wrote in the same article, “You’re not hurting my feelings though. Fat is just one of the ways bodies can be. So what.” (Dark,

Haha, You’re so fat! (Anatomy of a Put Down)). Being comfortable talking about my work is the same way as being comfortable about my body. This did not happen

6 overnight it happened over years of self-love. Now I am ready to open up on how everyone sees me.

Fashion inspires my work in different ways. Plus size fashion has come a long way. “According to market researcher NPD Group, sales of women’s plus-size clothing

(defined as size 12 and above) rose 6 percent to $21.4 billion in 2016” (CBS News).

Finding clothes that fit and was my style was hard growing up. Now it is easier getting clothes that I feel confident in is easier with major fashion designers and brands expanding their fashion line to fit a plus size body. “Fashion brands are rapidly responding to a cultural shift toward body positivity and a growing appreciation of curvy figures, by designing specifically for a larger range of sizes rather than just expanding their size range as an afterthought” (CBS News). Having more of a variety of clothes made it easier to express who I am and influence my work.

7 Section 4: Form and Process

Most of my life I was taught to act smaller in public. Taking up more than a seat or having your personal items spread out would be obscene. I was taught to not to take up more space than you already are and to be quiet and not be so loud. In critiques, the most frequent question is being asked, “why are you working in such a small scale?” It is the same fear as being a giant in a small space.

Making small desirable pieces that are inspired by my body is a way in which I can still act smaller. Ceramics is very luxurious and high maintenance. It is one of the many reasons why I choose to work with clay. “Clay is just a material. It can be used to make beautiful things, useful things, thought-provoking things” (Livingstone, 38). It is also a material that I can leave my mark with. The longevity of ceramics is another trait that I am drawn too. “Come to realize that one of the truths of ceramics is that it’s a chameleon. I can be pretty much be whatever the maker wants it to be” (Livingstone, 40).

In making my pieces, I can look at my body and make the clay mimic how I see my body, through my own lens. Clay can move in ways where it can look like fabric moving on a fashion runway or clothed bodies.

Making my work influenced by the body positive movement it was a very valuable moment. The first piece I made was Slim Thick (Image 1). It represents an hourglass figure. Wide voluptuous hips and a slimmer top half of the body was the inspiration for this piece. Slim Thick is a term to describe this type of body. Normally working vertically, this piece was meant to be horizontal. Lying down or sideways is a very opening position. Going into a new body of work, my work started off very timid. It is a new journey to put my own personal experiences in my body of work. The outside is

8 glazed in a glossy white so I could place decals of a floral pattern on it. The floral print was inspired by New York’s fashion week in Fall 2017, as many designers used a floral pattern. The inside has glitter in it to show that shimmery and sparkling effect; to remind you of a party or being over the top. In my work, I like to reveal the inside and outside of the object. This morrors how a person can be seen as one thing on the outside, but is different on the inside. With each piece I like to reveal something different with the outside and inside just like reavealing a little secret.

Getting inspirations from the undulation and bulges from my own body, Is It

Worth It, Let Me Work It (Image 2), was made. Having an indent in the middle mimicking an undulation, like a stomach would look like sitting down, was the base of the structure. The texture was chosen to make the piece more feminine and elegant with leaving the surface color white. Each petal was placed individually to create a movement.

My pieces capture the inside and outside and are opposite of each other. The elegance of

Is It Worth It, Let Me Work It, is on the outside of the piece as it is in the inside, a lace texture. Plus size women are not categorized as sensual. Lace is a big part of intimate wear. Inside the piece, lace was embedded and pressed with a rubber rib tool to make an indentation of the pattern in the wet stage of the clay. Later was filled with black stain to imitate the lace color. The title, Is It Worth It, Let Me Work It, is from a Missy Elliot song title Work It, 2002. The song is about owning yourself and making it work. Making this piece on my own stomach and how it looks, was owning my body.

For Single Female Addicted to Retail (Image 3), I wanted to make the piece look like it is spinning. I want it to be very feminine because that was the type of style I was drawn too. Each fold was put on individually and placed to move over it. When it was

9 time to think about how to address the inside I knew exactly what I wanted; cheetah print.

It is one of my favorite prints and I wanted to incorporate a fabric print into this piece and play it off with the title. “Single female addicted to retail” is from a Kanye West song,

All Falls Down, 2004. It was perfect for this piece because cheetah print is one thing that

I like to shop for. Also, the piece has a feminine texture on the outside. Connecting the song title to myself, this piece had to be all about me.

10 Conclusion

Reacting to media images of celebrity culture and the movement of fabric in couture runway fashion shows, I am deeply impacted by contemporary American popular culture’s beauty ideals. My work is about self-acceptance and body positivity. I am learning to love and accept my own body and channel this personal growth into my ceramics. My sculptures minic parts of my body, through folds and undulations. Utilzing hip-hop song lyrics and slang become titles for my work. Through my work, I want the audience to see how confident I am with my body, to hopefully empower them to feel confident in their own body, as well. Body Positivity is becoming mainstream, and important work is being produced to aid individuals in learning self-acceptance.

11 Bibliography

Acquaye, Alisha. “Missy Elliot Taught Me That I Can Be Weird and Beautiful.” Teen Vouge, https://www.teenvogue.com/story/missy-elliott-lifestream. Accessed 25 March 2018.

Dark, Kimberly. “Haha. You’re so fat! (Anatomy of a Put-Down).” Medium, https://medium.com/@kimberlydark/haha-youre-so-fat-anatomy-of-a-put-down- fd9edea2ec27. Accessed 2 February 2018.

Jonathan, Berr. “The Fashion Industry Thinks Big About Plus Sizes.” CBS News, https://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-fashion-industry-thinks-big-about-plus-sizes/. Accessed 25 March 2018.

Holliday, Tess. “The Not So Subtle Art of Being a Fat Girl.” San Francisco; California: Bonnier Publishing, 2017

Livingstone, Andrew. Petrie, Kevin. “The Ceramics Reader.” London; New York: The Bloomsbury Academic, 2017.

Serrano, Shea. “The Rap Year Book.” New York: Abrams Book, 2015.

Shanahan, Christina. “Queen Latifah on Confidence, Reinvention, and Who She Considers Pop Culture Royalty.” InStyle, http://www.instyle.com/celebrity/queen-latifah- tracee-ellis-ross-interview. Accessed 25 March 2018.

Sidibe, Gabourey. “This Is Just My Face, Try Not To Stare.” New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 2017.

West, Kanye. Lyrics to “All Falls Down.” Genius, 2018, https://genius.com/Kanye-west- all-falls-down-lyrics.

West, Kanye. Lyrics to “Touch the Sky.” Genius, 2018, https://genius.com/Kanye-west- touch-the-sky-lyrics.

12 Appendix A: Images

Image A: Slim Thick, ceramic, glitter, decals, 6” x 15.5” x 9”, 2017

Image 2: Is It Worth It, Let Me Work It, ceramic, lace detail, 11” x 9.5” x 11.5”, 2017

Image 3: Single Female Addicted To Retail, ceramic, 5.5” x 10” x 5”, 2017