Page 4 Retriever features Truthfound at Lost &,Found by Cindy Lynn Rion I pulled over and asked a policeman if the our sexual preferences. There was only two clubs in the area were gay bars. He said that La other male/female couples in the whole bar, We stood in the express lane, my trusted Cage Au Follies was a men only club, but that and I know I wondered about them. companion and I, waiting to pay for Welch's the two of us could get in at The Men's Den or It was outside that I first saw two guys grape juice, a 4oz. container of sour cream, and The Lost and Found. The Men's Den was sup- involved in a passionate kiss. I was expecting it two Stouffer's cheese pizzas. After the first posedly 90 percent women, while the other club sometime during the evening, so it wasn't as twenty minutes slowly ticked by, we began was the same percentage of men. We decided on much of a shock as I had thought it would be. It looking around the checkout counter for some- The Lost and Found. didn't seem disgusting or revolting; it was just thing to relieve our boredom. That's when we I drove a few blocks until I came to a nice- two people kissing. My friend kept teasing me saw the headline. looking building literally surrounded with cars. because I said that it was sweet that they showed "Gay people are worse than murderers, says If this was it, it was packed. I drove around affection for each other. top sociologist." twice, looking for a sign with the club name. We There was nothing blatantly sexual about There it was, in bold print for all the world to were both growing apprehensive about actually anything that was happening that night. All my see, on the front of one of those glossy super- going in. I couldn't find a sign,so I just parked preconceptions were blown away. And there market tabloids, The Weekly World News. around the corner, and we walked up to the was certainly nothing to indicate'fhat these peo- The print leaped off the page, stirring fear in entrance. ple were worse than murderers. They didn't the very bottom of mv heart. We decided to turn We kept walking. Neither of us was ready to seem any different than I am. "Maybe 1 just to the story, inside, to see if there really was any go in. We walked around the block again, say- haven't seen enough," 1 thought to myself. truth behind this gruesome label. My imagina- ing this time we would do it. As we got close to I suggested to my friend that we go back to tion raced ahead, filled with thoughts of doom the door, a car pulled up beside us. Four trans- see if the atmosphere was hotter inside. The and destruction for our planet. Just trying to vestites got out. I motioned to my friend to keep dance floor was huge, about twice the size of the comprehend a species worse than babv blud- walking. I had never seen one before, and one at Maxwells. The D.J. had an elaborate geoners and grandma killers left me exhausted because of my nervousness I was laughing. I light show, and many people were out strutting and blubbering as my friend began reading didn't want them to hear so we hurried around their stuff. Couples were paired off, and here It seems Dr. Paul Cameron, chairman ot the the corner. At least we knew we had the right there were two girls dancing together (the first Institute for the Scientific Investigation of Sex- place. We went back to the car to recoup our I'd seen all night). courage. Another male came over and tried to dance Meatman delivers uality (located in Lincoln, Nebraska), was the proclaimed expert crying out for the annihila- We stayed in the car for about a half hour, all with them. As I watched, one girl turned to him tion of the gay community. "Homosexuals are the time watching the men walking up to the and began dancing. Her friend looked annoyed, prancing around the U.S. spreading the most club. Some came alone, some came in large and moved so that they were dancing together monstrous plague the world has ever known. groups, but most just came with one friend. The once more. The male, obviously persistent, goods on new disc All gay bars, gay meeting places, and gay baths typical gay stereotype came to mind as we wedged himself between them. The girl grabbed observed them closely. Some of them did seem her friend's .hand, muttering something quietly should immediately be closed down," he said. too. to fit this stereotype, dressing and walking in a to herself, and lead her off the dance floor. A by Tony Sclafani My friend continued reading the article. Side one leads off with "Lesbian Death feminine way. But others looked as straight as jealous lover, it seemed, no different from any Cameron went on to say that "it should be Dirge," a very unstable song which states, "Sex- our friends back home. It would be hard to tell scene you'd see in a heterosexual regular bar. It The other night I was up late working on illegal to be a homosexual," and that he had ism is a two-way street....You hate me simply in any other situation that they were gay. indicated that this was a place for serious cou- something when I decided I was tired, and the never " met one yet who wasn't a fairly vicious, coz I'm a male."Those who are familar with this destructive person." After waiting for the last group to walk by, ples to come, as well as a place to meet new donuts I was eating needed to be washed down. I walked into the Susquehanna lobby to get a kind of thing will see this as a typical Tesco, but Statistics put together by Cameron's institute we finally left our sanctuary to go in. A notice people. Coke and noticed people who didn't usually those weaned on generic radio play will proba- watch TV in the lobby watching TV. bly find this offensive, as they watch videos I was putting my money into the machine, where men beat the hell out of chained up half- ' 'Gay people are worse than murderers, says top sociologist.' There it was in bold when I heard from the television "Daddy, f— naked women. me....Daddy, make me come!" "God's Bullies," about Jim Bakker and print for all the world to see...we made plans to investigate ourselves." The Playboy channel was in the dorms. Ho Tammy Fae, is up next: hum. This comes as no surprise to those of us "The name of Lord-God, who regularly watch fake-fraternity pig-nosed You mock in the name of boyfriends beat up on their angel-food-cake, Almighty money, you slut!" indicate that 5 percent of America's 210 million just inside the door announced that this was One thing I noticed while watching the peo- jeans-jacket-clad girlfriends (or vice versa). Obviously this is a pro-religion track, and if people are either gay or bisexual. Neither my indeed a gay bar operated by gay people for gay ple interact was the reaction to the transvestites. But it did remind me of a record I had, so I you find it offensive it is your problem, and you friend or I have ever been involved with the gay people. We paid our three dollars, and received As soon as they walked in the door, some of the put it on my turntable. would do well to re-evaluate your standards, as life, so we had no prior knowledge with which two gold coins each worth a dollar towards a guys would rush to them, falling all over them The disc was TescoVee's Dutch Hercules you get drunk and throw up every weekend, or to compare these accusations. It sounded drink. The coins explained that the club had with compliments and attention. Then there EP, released on Touch and Go Records, a Mid- yell at your mother. horrifying. been operating since 1971. were other guys who ignored them or looked western label that specializes in hardcore punk The classic heavy metal spoof, "Wine After all, what expert would willingly speak The first place I headed was for the restroom. past them as they walked by. It was clear that and that kind of stuff. Wenches and Wheels," follows as Tesco out with such vehemence unless ther was some All this waiting around had taken its toll on my they were only appealing to a certain kind of Those of you familar with the hardcore scene Osborne screams "Desire !!!!!!" to a non- comprehending crowd. Musically, this isn't as truth to his message. Still, being a reporter with bladder. We had been warned about possible guy- will recognize Tesco as being the lead singer of an inquiring mind that likes to look in to all encounters in the bathroom by some friends After staying inside for a while, it also the sometimes funny, always offensive Meat- far away from Iron Maiden as you might think, kinds of situations, I thought we should give who had been to gay bars before, so my friend became clear that the most we were going to see men, the band that crooned "Crippled Children unless you have heard Iron Maiden. Lyrically, gays the benefit of the doubt. We made plans to had taken advantage of a tree-surrounded park- was a little affectionate cuddling. No one came Suck," "I'm Glad I'm not a Girl," and "One it is unprintable, but I can't resist just one quote: investigate ourselves, to see first hand just what ing lot before we came in. I decided I'd rather over to us, made passes, or tried anything lewd. Down Three To Go," (about the Beatles) to "Cruisin " down the road In my Z-28... they were like. take my chances. No one slipped off into the corners to engage in millions of Carpenter fans. On the day after my twentieth birthday we Things were fine until 1 went to the sink to any explicit activities. Granted, they could have Well, now Tesco has this solo EP out, (on In the back seat looked through my guide to D.C. nightlife. wash my hands. As I was doing this, two of the left to go back to their cars if they wished to green vinyl!) and it's not really new, but it war- Big-breasted girls (Both of us are too young to get in any of the transvestites came in behind me. I kept to participate in anything sexual, but there was rants attention because, a) Touch & Go mailed With wine in their guts." clubs in downtown Baltimore.) The Fraternity myself, continuing to wash my hands. They nothing blatant. As long as I didn't have to see it to me, and b) because it's not every day that Again, no more offensive than Def Leppard House sounded good, with it's four cruise bars preened before the mirror, adjusting their man- anything like that, it didn't bother me. something like this is released. Tesco is a really or Billy Idol and their chained-up, beaten- and young collegiate crowd. Not that either one made breasts underneath their dresses and app- The club was so classy and refined, 1 wished funny guy! Let's put the needle down and listen women imagery. In fact, this is not offensive at of us knew what a "cruise bar" was, but it lying fresh make-up. When one asked how some of the regular clubs were as nice. The to my review. all, because Tesco is kidding, other's aren't. sounded good because there was four of them. he-she looked, I scurried out the door, checking decision to investigate had been worth it. Not Ok kids, this disc follows along the lines of What is offensive is a remake of Sly Stone's "Dance to the Music," the worst song on here. We dressed casually, taking along a jar full of to make sure that yes, I had been in the "ladies" only were the gays far from being "destructive Mr. Vee's previous output with the Meatmen, The Circle Jerks do cover versions of the Asso- Uncle David's Magical Elixir (grape juice and room. and vicious," they were real human beings. the Blood Sausage EP, and the We're The ciation and Paul Anka better. But he re- vodka) to doctor my friend's nervousness. I decided I needed a drink, and ordered a They didn't deserve to be so labeled just because Meatmen...and You Suck LP. As Jon Leland deems himself on side two, with an "extended The trip down to D.C. was fairly calm. I glass of white wine. I wanted something of a sexual preference. That is their own busi- stated in Trouser Press last year, "If you have a listened to the soothing sounds of Billy Idol's stronger, but I've never had the courage to risk ness, and I think Dr. Cameron should keep his sore spot [the Meatmen] are likely to hit it. If go-go dance mix" of "Crapper's Delight." Rebel Yell and my friend nursed his bottle lov- being carded by the bartender. He gave me future opinions to himself. It just goes to prove you offend easily, steer clear of this record." The song is a vicious stab at funk, right ingly. By the time we found the Capitol, he was something that tasted like I imagine battery you really can't believe everything you read. Steer clear of the song descriptions that follow down to the Princessque touch of a girl in the feeling pretty relaxed. I missed the turn while acid tastes after it's been properly aged. backround screaming "f— me!" trying to read the map and drive at the same We wandered outside, to an area tastefully As an EP, Dutch Hercules should satisfy time, and we ended up having to cross the decorated with wooden seats, soft lighting, and Meatmen and hardcore fans, but can it get the bridge into Alexandria. I finally figured out a variety of hanging plants. Out here, it was uninterested apathetic to take notice? Probably where we were supposed to be, but then we possible to carry on a conversation. We chose a not, because his won't get within miles of radio found out that The Fraternity House was no corner seat so we could sit back and view the stations' air conditioned, cocaine-lined offices. longer there. We were in a seedy, run-down part couples around us. We could tell that people "Next Peter, Paul and Mary disc please," the of Washington. were looking at us, probably wondering about radio programmers say, even if Paul was a child molester. "Next Eagles disc sir," even if Don Henley did get caught with two fifteen year-old <£^&^5> <£^0^J9 (t*^&rKS>
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