HELPING HANDOUTS: SUPPORTING STUDENTS AT SCHOOL AND HOME Frustration: Helping Handout for School and Home MOLLY ALGERMISSEN, CLAIRE GOLDEN, & MEGHAN TOMB

INTRODUCTION behavioral regulation, such as students with attention, behavioral, or emotional difficulties. Students who are easily frustrated tend to get very upset when even small things do not go their way, and WHAT TO CONSIDER WHEN SELECTING they tend to give up quickly when they are faced with PROGRAMS a challenge. In addition, when they are upset, their reactions can be intense and their frustration can result Before selecting an intervention program, teachers in meltdowns, , and difficulty completing tasks. and parents should consider a program's feasibility To make matters worse, they also often have trouble and effectiveness, as demonstrated in a number of waiting for a teacher's or parent's attention or help. key areas. Few programs focus solely on frustration Poor frustration tolerance can show itself in different tolerance, and most focus more broadly on promoting ways. Some students have instant responses, and they self-regulation and skills. Teachers and parents immediately melt down when faced with challenging should look for programs and interventions that have situations, limits, or negative feedback. Others have empirical support showing their effectiveness. It is also a slow and steady decline, and they melt down once important to know whether the program or intervention they reach their tipping point (Bronson, 2000). was designed and evaluated for specific locations (e.g., Poor frustration tolerance can make it challenging clinic vs. school) or for specific ages (e.g., elementary vs. for students to learn (Graziano, Reavis, Keane, & high school). Programs often differ in how they describe Calkins, 2007). This can happen for many reasons. and deliver content, depending on the developmental Typically, students need to be calm and well regulated level of the students. Whereas some are intended for in order to understand what the teacher is teaching. In use at the universal level (e.g., a school-wide curriculum addition, if students are frustrated because the work is on identification and regulation), others are too hard, they may avoid putting in the additional work designed to target specific groups, such as students necessary to master new information or a new skill. A with autism or ADHD. When selecting a school-based frustrated student who is having an outburst can take intervention program, also seek one that provides the teacher's attention away from the rest of the class, ongoing support and guidance, when available. affecting everyone's learning. Much of the evidence-based work on frustration The heart of poor frustration tolerance is often tolerance is built on cognitive–behavioral therapy (CBT) poor self-regulation skills. Self-regulation is the ability techniques to develop self-regulation and coping skills. to regulate and behaviors in the day-to- Common interventions include individual and family day environment (Kopp, 1982). It includes the ability therapy, and many books provide activities parents can to respond calmly to upsetting events, calm oneself use to help their child develop these skills at home. down when upset, respond to changing expectations or situations or changes in routines, and work toward RECOMMENDATIONS FOR HOME more long-term goals. Self-regulation, including frustration tolerance, can be very difficult for students Frustration is a normal and even functional human who have preexisting difficulties with emotional and emotion. Therefore, the goal of intervention is not to

Usage is restricted to educational, noncommercial use by the purchaser. Purchase at www.nasponline.org/publications | S3H5–1 erase all of frustration but to help students to use their strategies) before they are too upset to recognize signs of frustration and learn to better effectively implement them. Keep track of triggers control their emotional and behavioral responses by helping your child identify what happened to frustrating events. This process requires time and prior to becoming frustrated, as well as what was practice. The strategies below can be implemented happening when the meltdown occurred. No two in the home, but teachers can flexibly use similar children will have the exact same triggers, but the strategies in the classroom. following are some common ones to keep your eye out for (Hurley, 2016): 1. Teach your child to recognize physical cues that •• Transitions between activities or locations, frustration is building. Draw an outline of a person especially when transitioning to a less and have your child color or draw to show where preferred activity he or she feels frustration or (e.g., clenched •• Negative peer interactions, or fighting with hands, racing heart, rapid breathing). friends 2. Let your child know you understand the •• Challenging academic or homework activities frustration. Frustration can be an intense emotion •• Feelings of being misunderstood by adults, or for many children. When your child is frustrated, belief that adults are unfair empathize and show that you appreciate how •• Hunger, exhaustion, or illness difficult upset can be. Help your child 6. Help your child think through possible solutions for identify and label strong emotions (“How are you dealing with a frustrating problem, but don't do all feeling right now?”). If your child needs more the work. Say what you are observing and ask your scaffolding and support, you can comment on the child to figure out a strategy to use. For example, emotions you see (e.g., “You look frustrated. Is that you can say: “I understand that you are upset right?”). Teach the vocabulary of feelings, including about this math problem. What are three things words that express different intensities of the you think you could do?” If this is too difficult, it same emotion (e.g., annoyed, angry, furious). can help to present three options, such as: “Can 3. Teach breathing exercises. Deep breathing can you ask for help? Do you need a break? Should you help soothe children and help them better regulate try again?” It may also help to break the challenge their behavioral response to intense feelings, into smaller, more manageable parts. which in turn helps them work through stressful You might also try the stoplight technique. To and frustrating events. Be sure to teach these skills use this technique, teach your child to visualize when both you and your child are calm. Have a red stoplight as soon as he or she first feels your child sit comfortably and relax. One way to frustration. This will be the cue to tap into deep teach is to demonstrate counting to breathing to focus on calming the physical and four while inhaling through the nose, holding that emotional response. Then your child can shift breath while counting to four again, then exhaling to a yellow light, moving cautiously forward through the mouth while counting to four. Repeat while thinking of the identified solutions that several times and practice regularly. help control the feelings. Finally, your child can 4. Teach positive venting. This strategy can help visualize the green light, which means he or she release tension before it boils over. It is important can pick an option and move forward. It may help to provide while you do this, as children to create a large stoplight out of construction need to feel understood and heard (e.g., “That paper as you teach the skills. makes me so mad too!”). To give an outlet to 7. Use humor. Laughter is a great way for children strong feelings, help create a list of things that to deal with strong emotions, which can reduce make your child mad and upset, or have your child tension and in turn help emotion regulation. Play draw the feelings (e.g., “Draw how you felt when an active or silly game with your child so that you that happened.”). Then have your child physically are both laughing rather than focusing on the defeat the feelings—scribble out the list or frustration. When you are lighthearted in play, it drawings, tear them up, or karate chop them. allows children to regain a sense of power and 5. Help your child identify triggers. Knowing what connect with you, which helps relieve frustration. the triggers for frustration are can help children 8. Challenge children's “extreme thinking.” Some use their strategies (or help you encourage them children can have unrealistic or unhelpful thoughts

S3H5–2 | Frustration that fuel their low frustration tolerance (e.g., “I always watching and listening, and they learn a lot never get things right,” or “I am the worst reader in from watching their parents. When you are frustrated the world.”). Children often need help identifying in the presence of your child, try demonstrating frustration-provoking thoughts and ideas and some of the skills outlined above (e.g., use deep replacing them with more realistic and coping- breathing, model the use of coping thoughts). focused ones (e.g., “Everyone makes mistakes”; 15. Set limits and stick to them. Children need to “I have to practice this reading more before I get hear “No” every so often—to a request for a toy it right.”). When your child uses extreme words or treat, to extra time playing video games, or to a (e.g., always, never), say that you understand the demand for a later bedtime. Children need limits, feelings, then use less extreme language in your and even if they become upset, they need you to response. For example, if your child says “I will stick to those expressed limits. never remember all of these multiplication tables!” 16. Notice and reinforce times when your child is you could say, “Yes, it is hard to remember these using coping skills. “Catch” your child in situations tables, and you are really working hard at it. in which he or she is using good frustration Remember, you already know a lot of them and tolerance or emotion regulation. This positively you are making progress.” reinforces strategies across settings and situations. 9. Give your child a chance to manage feelings. For example, you might say, “Wow! I know you When your child encounters a challenging wanted me to help you right away with your situation, don't immediately offer help. Rather, homework. I appreciate that you could wait until I step back and observe and allow your child to finished the dishes.” work through difficult tasks first. For example, if your child is struggling with a zipper, give him ADDITIONAL RECOMMENDATIONS FOR or her some time to work at the problem before SCHOOL offering to zip the jacket. 10. Help your child learn to wait. Don't immediately Many of the recommendations listed above for parents respond to all requests (for a drink, for attention, are very useful for teachers. It also is very helpful to etc.). While your child is waiting, talk about what work with parents of students who become frustrated. you are doing: “I will help you in a minute, as soon It will enhance students’ learning when strategies for as I am finished tying your brother's shoe.” It also helping them respond calmly to upsetting events, and helps to praise patient waiting (“Thanks for waiting reminders to use the strategies, are consistent across so patiently.”). settings. 11. Play board games to practice self-regulation skills. Playing games with others teaches skills 1 7. Use private reminders when needed. Use proximity such as waiting your turn and winning or losing or a private signal to remind the student to pay appropriately. Model positive responses (e.g., “I attention or return to a task. Check in with the really hoped I was going to win, but maybe I will student individually when you know the subject is win next time.”). difficult for that student. Do not call attention to the 12. Encourage your child to express emotion. student's difficulties in front of the class. Listening to a child who is upset (and crying) is 18. Encourage working in pairs to help solidify new not easy or fun, but negative feelings are just as knowledge in a low-stakes environment. For valid and important as positive ones, and children example, when learning a new math concept, pair need a safe place to express all emotions. Bottling students up to play a fun math game that uses the up negative emotions can lead to more explosive new concept. This way the student can practice the meltdowns later. skill for mastery in a less stressful setting. 13. Praise effort rather than the finished product. 19. Explicitly identify mistakes as a necessary part Comment on the ways your child persevered of learning, and encourage risk-taking. Help through challenging tasks (e.g., “I'm impressed the student reframe his or her mistakes as an by how hard you worked on that project. I know it opportunity to learn instead of a reason to give wasn't easy for you.”). up. Mistakes can help the student improve 14. Model dealing with frustration. How do you act understanding or use new strategies. Encourage when you are frustrated yourself? Children are and reinforce risk-taking, and teach the child to

Usage is restricted to educational, noncommercial use by the purchaser. Purchase at www.nasponline.org/publications | S3H5–3 view mistakes and risk-taking as parts of the •• RULER (Brackett, Rivers, Reyes, & Salovy, journey to mastery. 2012) provides a school-wide curriculum 20. Provide scaffolding for more complex that builds on itself every year. It begins assignments. Offer more structured guidance and with fundamental support. Also give the student frequent reminders education, builds emotional vocabulary, and to use strategies and skills you have already provides concrete ways to build emotional introduced and to ask for help when needed. intelligence into all aspects of school life. 21. Model effective self-regulation strategies. These Teachers and students become “trainers” would include strategies for recognizing and who can help others identify their emotions managing frustration, such as the following: and learn to talk about them in productive •• Acknowledging the student's feelings and the ways. situation: “I see that you are frustrated with •• Zones of Regulation (Kuypers, 2011) uses that math problem.” a cognitive–behavioral approach to help •• Labeling the emotion and empathizing: “That students identify when they are in one of four looks hard. How are you feeling?” If needed, emotional or behavioral states, or “zones,” provide guidance: “You look angry,” or “I also which are represented by different colors. feel angry when I am frustrated.” Students learn how to (a) read emotions in •• Demonstrating steps you use to cope with themselves and others, including reading frustration, such as saying aloud, “I think I facial expressions; (b) become more aware need to take three deep breaths now,” followed of how their behavior affects others; and by taking some deep breaths. (c) identify triggers. Students learn calming •• Offering suggestions on how to solve techniques, cognitive strategies, and sensory problems that are leading to frustration: “Do supports that help them move from one zone you need help?” “Do you want to work on this to another. later?” •• STEPS-A (Mazza, Dexter-Mazza, Miller, Rathus, 22. Provide a safe space, or give a break, when the & Murphy, 2016) is designed for middle and student is feeling frustrated. Create a “cool-down high school students within the general spot” in the classroom where students can go education curriculum. It is adapted from when they recognize they need to calm down. Or dialectical behavior therapy and includes give the student a break, allowing the student to building specific skills for mindfulness, leave the room (get water, take a walk down the distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and hall) when needed. interpersonal communication. 23. Try to catch frustration before it boils over. Check in with the student, reminding the student to use RECOMMENDED RESOURCES coping strategies, take a break, or ask for help. For School 24. Consider whether adjustments to academic Websites demands or other supports are needed. Learning http://ei.yale.edu/ruler/ruler-overview/ difficulties can fuel frustration. If you notice that the student often becomes easily frustrated RULER is an evidence-based curriculum to when working on a certain subject (e.g., reading), improve social and emotional learning within then further assessment of academic skills, and the school setting. The website describes the curriculum adjustments, may be warranted. curriculum and provides online support for Likewise, if frustration continues in of teachers and schools using the program. recommended interventions, consider referring http://www.zonesofregulation.com/ the student for a social–emotional evaluation and support services, such as from a school Zones of Regulation is an evidence-based psychologist or counselor. curriculum to improve emotional regulation. 25. Consider implementation of a school-wide It is developed to be used as a school-wide emotional intelligence and self-regulation program. The website provides online resources curriculum. Several evidence-based curricula are for participating schools, including webinars, available, including the following: trainings, and individual support.

S3H5–4 | Frustration Books http://understood.org Cannon, L., Kenworthy, L., Alexander, K., Werner, M. The website Understood.org gives parents A., & Anthony, L. (2011). Unstuck and on target: well-researched and practical advice on a range An executive function curriculum to improve of topics related to children with learning and flexibility for children with autism spectrum attention issues. The website includes sections disorders. Baltimore, MD: Paul H. Brookes. on feelings, such as how to manage anger and This book describes classroom-based frustration and how to develop coping skills. interventions, including ready-made lessons, for higher-functioning students with autism spectrum Books disorders ages 8–11. It is intended to help promote Greene, R. W. (2005). The explosive child. New York, behavioral and cognitive flexibility, including NY: Harper Collins. improving coping skills and better managing This book helps parents better understand intense feelings of frustration. children with challenging behaviors and provides Cash, R. M. (2016). Self-regulation in the classroom: clear, groundbreaking parenting strategies to help Helping students learn how to learn. Minneapolis, prevent explosive outbursts and promote adaptive MN: Free Spirit. coping skills.

This book describes the self-regulation learning Shanker, S. (2017). Self-Reg: How to help your child method (, behavior, and cognition), as (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully well as the stages of self-regulated learning. It engage with life. New York, NY: Penguin Books. provides resources, strategies, and suggestions This book, based on decades of research, for teachers on how to help students better helps parents gain a deeper understand of manage challenging emotions such as self-regulation. frustration, and become more engaged and motivated learners. Shapiro, L. E., Sprague, R., & McKay, M. (2009). The relaxation and stress reduction workbook for kids: Kuypers, L. M., & Winner, M. G. (2011). The Zones of Help for children to cope with stress, , and Regulation: A curriculum designed to foster self- transitions. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger. regulation and emotional control. Santa Clara, CA: Think Social. This book provides activities that parents can do with children to help them better manage This book describes a curriculum that is based on stress and feelings of frustration and . cognitive–behavioral therapy and helps students This book is geared more toward younger develop emotional awareness. It teaches students children (ages 4–8). techniques to help them more effectively manage their emotions and behavior, including calming For Parents and Teachers techniques, cognitive strategies, and sensory Books supports. Kenney, L., & Comizio, R. (2016). 70 play activities for better thinking, self-regulation, learning and For Home behavior. Eau Claire, WI: PESI. Websites This book describes creative, fun, and brain-based https://www.addrc.org/innovative-approach-helping- exercises for children and adolescents to develop explosive-inflexible-children/ attention, planning, executive function, and mood The ADD Resource Center is a valuable management skills. resource for families and teachers who work Lite, L., & Stasuyk, M. (2011). Angry octopus. Marietta, with children who have difficulties with GA: Stress Free Kids. emotional and behavioral dysregulation. The website includes information about ADHD This book tells a story that teaches children how to and , strategies to use progressive muscle relaxation and breathing use at home and at school, and resources for techniques to lower stress, manage frustrations, interventions. and control anger.

Usage is restricted to educational, noncommercial use by the purchaser. Purchase at www.nasponline.org/publications | S3H5–5 Games Hurley, K. (2016, February 1). How to teach frustration Playing CBT tolerance to kids. Retrieved from http://www. pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/02/teach- This board game is designed to help children frustration-tolerance-kids/ and adolescents identify and discuss emotional Kopp, C. B. (1982). Antecedents of self-regulation: experiences (thoughts, emotions, physical A developmental perspective. Developmental sensations and behaviors). It will help improve daily Psychology, 18(2), 199–214. coping skills and encouraging flexibility in cognitive, Kuypers, L. (2011). The zones of regulation. San Jose, emotional, physical, and behavioral responses. CA: Think Social Publishing. https://playingcbt.com/product/playing-cbt Mazza, J. J., Dexter-Mazza, E. T., Miller, A. L., Rathus, J. H., & Murphy, H. E. (2016). DBT® skills in schools: Related Helping Handouts Skills training for emotional problem solving for and Self-Esteem: Helping Handout for adolescents DBT STEPS-A. New York, NY: Guilford School and Home Press. Perfectionism: Helping Handout for School and Home Preventing and Correcting Misbehavior and Developing Self-Discipline: Helping Handout for ABOUT THE AUTHORS Home Molly Algermissen, PhD, is a child psychologist and Social and Emotional Learning: Helping Handout for neuropsychologist, and assistant professor of medical Home psychology (in psychiatry) at Columbia University Social and Emotional Learning: Helping Handout for Medical Center. She specializes in assessment of School neurodevelopmental disorders, including autism Using Praise and Rewards Wisely: Helping Handout for spectrum and learning disorders. School and Home Claire Golden, PhD, is a neuropsychologist and school REFERENCES psychologist and instructor of medical psychology (in psychiatry) at Columbia University Medical Center. Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., Reyes, M. R., & Salovey, She specializes in assessment of neurodevelopmental P. (2012). Enhancing academic performance and disorders, with particular expertise in school-related social and with the RULER difficulties. feeling words curriculum. Learning and Individual Differences, 22(2), 218–224. Meghan Tomb, PhD, is a clinical neuropsychologist Bronson, M. B. (2000). Self-regulation in early and assistant professor of medical psychology (in childhood. Nature and nurture. New York, NY: psychiatry) at Columbia University Medical Center. Guilford Press. She specializes in assessment of neurodevelopmental Graziano, P. A., Reavis, R. D., Keane, S. P., & Calkins, disorders and is well versed in cognitive–behavioral S. D. (2007). The role of emotion regulation in treatments for children and adolescents. children's early academic success. Journal of © 2018 National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, School Psychology, 45(1), 3–19. Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814—(301) 657-0270

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