Conversation Hacking
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WORKBOOK CONVERSATION HACKING 5 Actionable Keys for Cultivating Powerful Conversational Change 2 CONVERSATION HACKING For this reason, I’ve put together this guide to Introduction help you navigate your way through unfruitful communications towards being able to initiate healthier and more meaningful patterns of Conversation Hacking communication with the people in your life. Whether you want to make improvements in your Good communication is the key that unlocks and relationships, or you want to sharpen up your day- gives depth to our relationships. Communication to-day interactions with peers. This resource aims is the primary method through which we show to share some actionable ideas that you can build others what’s going on inside of our hearts into your life immediately. and minds. Still, poor communication has the potential to destroy any relationships we spent a Relationships form a robust network in life. The considerable amount building up within seconds. quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life, but the quality of your communications While no-one wakes up in the morning with a determines the quality of your relationships. burning desire to offend, upset or hurt other people, even our sincerest intentions aren’t robust This ebook is not perfect; it will not cover everything enough to prevent this from happening. Speaking that there is to know about communications. out of turn is inevitable because we’re all imperfect However, it is a menu that will help you become humans and we’re equally flawed communicators. more comfortable communicating with more When conversing and interacting with others, it transparency, honesty and humility. can be easy to say things we don’t mean or not say the things that we do. Before we get started, write down the reasons you have for wanting to improve the calibre of your communication skills: 5 ACTIONABLE KEYS FOR CULTIVATING POWERFUL CONVERSATIONAL CHANGE 3 CONVERSATION HACKING Q. Think about a recent conversation that you’ve Q. How might the quality of your relationships had which didn’t go as smoothly as you hoped improve by learning how to communicate it would. How influential do you think your more effectively? communication was? 5 ACTIONABLE KEYS FOR CULTIVATING POWERFUL CONVERSATIONAL CHANGE 0 1 CHA P T E R 0 1 Good Communication is a Coward Free Zone 5 CONVERSATION HACKING Fear of Truth is the Destroyer of CHAPTER 01 Honest & Meaningful Conversations If you don’t have the courage or the willingness Good Communication to accept the truth about how you feel, what you think and what you need, you will communicate is a Coward Free Zone confusing and inaccurate information to others. Say, for example, your partner gets distracted one Communication isn’t defined solely by the verbal month and forgets to pay the rent on time. You messages shared; it’s a multichannel process receive a late payment penalty, and your landlord which bears further significance in the tone of now wants to evict you. delivery and body language of a communicator. Kinesics (the interpretation of commutative body The thoughtful response would be to act promptly motions) discloses your subconscious beliefs, to the situation, make amends and develop a plan attitudes and thoughts. In his book How to with your partner to avoid this happening again in Read a Person Like a Book, anthropologist Ray the future. But many people opt for a less direct Birdwhistell argued that nonverbal behaviour has approach. They become angry instead and criticise a grammar that can be analyzed. According to his their partner. A fight erupts, and then neither estimations, words constitute no more than 30 one speaks to the other for days. Meanwhile, the to 35% of the social meaning of a conversation. problem remains, and no plan going forward is Furthermore, to add to the complexity of kinesics, laid out. research has shown that body language not only manifests commonalities and differences between Criticising and blaming are two of the best ways individuals, but also across languages, cultures, to destroy communication. While communication and social classes. is critical to every healthy relationship, mature communication doesn’t always come easily. When As you can imagine, people subtly communicate you blame or criticise someone, you remove with others on an unconscious level all of the the responsibility for a particular outcome from time. The tone of your voice suggests to others yourself and forcefully ascribe it onto someone your mood or levels of engagement and your else. Granted, it might well be the other person’s hand signals (or gestures) add emphasis to your fault in some cases, but as far as open and communication. You project your fear, anxiety, healthy dialogues are concerned, pointing fingers nervousness, happiness, positivity, hope and and playing the blame game will always do a sadness through not just what you say, but relationship more harm than good. through your facial expressions, vocabulary and tonality. Understandably, we all want to express our dissatisfaction at times, but communicating a If reading this has made you feel self- general dissatisfaction maturely and responsibly consciousness about how you have been is very different from passing the buck, pointing communicating in the past, there is no need to fingers and verbally assaulting another person’s feel defeated or wrong. The most likely reason self-esteem. why your communication skills have been failing you is that no one taught you any better. It can be a worthwhile exercise to ask yourself Communication skills are usually mainly learned the following three questions to help you via primary caregivers, as schools and employers understand the part you play in your relationships don’t take on such responsibilities (despite and communications. Make sure you give communication being such a fundamental skill). honest answers: However, primary caregivers often aren’t privy to the role they play in teaching communication, so 1. How are you to understand and appreciate they fail to teach us how to interpret or translate what’s going on inside someone else’s head tones, emotions and gestures or use them within when you fail to understand and appreciate our communications. what’s going on inside of your own? As most people don’t know how to communicate 2. If you don’t understand yourself, how could with honesty and integrity, they hide behind you ever understand someone else who has a pretence and socially constructed masks in the different perspective and set of life experiences hope that they will be accepted by others than you? by default. 5 ACTIONABLE KEYS FOR CULTIVATING POWERFUL CONVERSATIONAL CHANGE 6 CONVERSATION HACKING 3. Would you choose to be friends with someone easy to criticise and judge such individuals for who spoke to you in the same way that you talk their attitudes being unconducive to a healthy to yourself? discussion, it’s important to remember that such communication styles trace back to an individual’s Take a few minutes to reflect on your answers and incorrect, deep-set beliefs about themselves. make a note of them below. Remember, this is for your benefit, no one else’s. People who are secure in their core identity will have little difficulty communicating honestly, confidently and boldly. But people who are insecure about who they are will be more likely to interact passively, aggressively, or passive- aggressively in an attempt to hide how they feel about themselves. Ironically, insecure people are usually experts in the art of cunning manipulation and deception. The vicious and unkind behaviours and statements of the workplace and school bullies, for example, don’t originate from a secure sense of self. Instead, they are motivated by a need to prove themselves to others through desperate attempts at making warped, self-edifying statements. Passive Communicators Passive communicators have developed a style of communication that consciously suppresses their opinions and feelings, avoids protecting their rights, and prevents them from identifying, acknowledging and meeting their needs. Passive individuals, therefore, are those who avoid conflict and do not respond to hurtful or antagonising situations, allowing their grievances and frustrations to mount subconsciously. Naturally, such pressure cannot be sustained for long, resulting in the individual hitting a tolerance boiling point and exploding, usually No-one wants to be misunderstood by others, disproportionately to the circumstance that and while you cannot control the assumptions triggered the outburst. They are then crippled by other people make about you, you can influence feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment, and these assumptions by minimising the risk of return to being the way they were. others misinterpreting your verbal and nonverbal communications. The key to this is always to Passive communicators are the way they are remember that honesty is the best policy. because their life experiences have left them feeling afraid. Their underlying core belief is that You won’t be able to understand other people everyone else is more important in life than until you’ve learned how to understand yourself, they are, and believe that the safest and most and you won’t ever be able to communicate effective approach in life is to seem and be honestly with others unless you have learned how inferior to everyone else. Therefore when faced to communicate honestly with yourself. with important relationship decisions, the passive communicator insists that their thoughts, feelings, To avoid dealing with constant miscommunication, and worldviews are less important than everyone misunderstanding and misinterpretation, you will else’s. If their thoughts, feelings and needs are need to learn how to take responsibility for how disrespected in any way, they’ll do their best to you communicate what’s going on inside of you. avoid any conflict and ‘move on’ as quickly as physically possible.