Wooden Overcoats 3.4 – The Race for Piffling © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017
WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE 3.4 – THE RACE FOR PIFFLING By Tom Crowley
RECORDING SCRIPT
Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG Mayor Desmond ~ SEAN BAKER Reverend Wavering ~ ANDY SECOMBE Jennifer Delacroix ~ ALANA ROSS Miss Scruple / Jennifer’s Mum ~ ELLIE DICKENS Sid Marlowe ~ PAUL PUTNER Nana Crusoe ~ JULIA DEAKIN Bill ~ PIP GLADWIN Tanya / Mouse ~ HOLLY CAMPBELL
Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com
Wooden Overcoats 3.4 – The Race for Piffling © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2017
PRE-TITLES.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Georgie Crusoe works in a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one. It isn’t anymore. The people of Piffling are a happy bunch, led by a much-loved Mayor. But politics can be a tricky game – as Georgie is about to find out…
THEME TUNE.
ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats, created by David K. Barnes. Series Three, Episode Four: The Race for Piffling by Tom Crowley.
SCENE 1.
THE PIFFLING CLIFFS.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) I was sat upon the Piffling Cliffs, observing the funeral of a true local legend – Sir Berkeley Chipping, a beloved eccentric on the political scene, who had perished in a tragic boating accident.
WAVERING: … And, as Sir Berkeley’s new yacht slid off the trailer and crushed him to death, I’m sure he thought to himself: “At least you did something for your community.” After all, he ran for Mayor seven times in a row, and whilst he lost pitifully on every occasion, he won a place in our hearts. And now for a tribute from his sparring partner over those many ignoble campaigns, Desmond Desmond.
CROWD: (CLAPPING)
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MAYOR: We shall all miss Sir Berkeley and his amusing political alias, Barmy Baron Undercrackers. Especially how he’d cartwheel around the village in those enormous underpants, not only on polling day, but on every other day of the calendar. Excluding bank holidays, of course.
CROWD: Hear hear.
ERIC: And thank you all for wearing your largest pants today, as Sir Berkeley specified in his will. I especially like the pair patterned with Mayor Desmond’s face!
CROWD: (FOND CHUCKLE)
MAYOR: I don’t. Anyway, with no heir to replace him, we must also mourn Sir Berkeley’s political movement, the Mandatory Big Pants Party. Such a shame we won’t see that familiar name next to mine on the ballot at next week’s election.
TANYA: Can I ask a question?
MAYOR: I don’t know – can she, Nigel?
WAVERING: Oh yes. It’s the Q&As that make these funerals work, really.
MAYOR: Then ask away!
TANYA: Will there be anyone else on the ballot next week?
MAYOR: Oh! Well! I suppose not! It’ll just be little old me, all on my own… Maybe we shouldn’t bother with an election?
CROWD: (GASP, GRUMBLING)
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MAYOR: I mean, I don’t mind either way.
TANYA: Are you proposing to become some kind of dictator?
MAYOR: No no! Only if you’d vote for it!
BILL: You can’t just strip us of our democratic rights!
CROWD: (ANGRY AGREEMENT)
MAYOR: Oh my giddy aunt.
GEORGIE: Your worship, perhaps I should tackle this?
MAYOR: Oh, yes! (TO CROWD) Everybody! My secretary Miss Crusoe would like to make a statement that will hopefully get me out of trouble. (TO GEORGIE) There, I’ve warmed them up for you.
GEORGIE: OK, listen up you lot! What’s your problem? You only ever voted for Desmond before.
TANYA: We still had the choice to vote for someone else!
GEORGIE: Some old nutter with an underpants fixation?
CROWD: (APPALLED GASP)
BILL: She’s mocking a dead man before he’s even laid to rest!
TANYA: Burn her!
ERIC: Er, thank you, I’ll take it from here, Georgie.
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GEORGIE: Don’t you dare come to the rescue-
ERIC: Everyone, please, there’s no need to get upset! Of course the Mayor cares deeply about the democratic process! Right, Des?
MAYOR: If it helps.
ERIC: And should any challengers to the post emerge, I’m sure he’d welcome the chance to put his case for re-election forward to all of us!
TANYA: Well said!
BILL: Eric knows what it’s all about!
TANYA: … Maybe he should be Mayor?
BILL: Ooo, that’s a point.
CROWD: (EXCITED MURMURING)
ERIC: Ohhhh dear.
MAYOR: Now wait a second! You can’t put Eric on the ballot!
TANYA: Why not?
MAYOR: Because… he’d win!
CROWD: (BEAT) (CHEER)
BILL: Chapman for Mayor!
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GEORGIE: No!
TANYA: Burn her!
MAYOR: Oh God, it’s finally happening. Anarchy in the streets! Baron Undercrackers always said it’d end this way. A silly accent didn’t make him wrong.
GEORGIE: Flipping heck.
ERIC: OK, everyone, let’s not get carried away!
TANYA: It’ll be a golden age!
BILL: I love golden ages!
CROWD: (CHEERS)
GEORGIE: You happy now, Eric?
ERIC: No! I don’t want to be Mayor! Honestly! Desmond!
MAYOR: Don’t talk to me, I’m frightened.
ERIC: (TO CROWD) Look, put me on the ballot if you really want to, but you ought to know that-
CROWD: (CHEERS) Yeah! Chapman, Chapman, Chapman!
ERIC: I… Well… They do seem pretty keen…
GEORGIE: Eric. You can’t do this.
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ERIC: Maybe a… bit of healthy competition wouldn’t hurt…
GEORGIE: No! Stop saying things!
ERIC: But everyone – everyone, please listen to me!
WAVERING: (CROSS) I think we’re listened to quite enough out of you this morning, Mr Judas! Settle down, everybody! Settle DOWN!
CROWD: (CHEERING SUBSIDES)
WAVERING: This is a memorial service, for God’s sake! We should behave with dignity and respect! So let’s pull our big pants up and get the damn thing over with.
UNDER BELOW, A COFFIN IS SHOVED OFF A CLIFF AND SMASHES ON THE ROCKS BELOW.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) As per Sir Berkeley’s final request, his coffin was shunted off the Piffling cliffs and his body went out with the tide, his enormous pants spreading across the waves in tribute. But I knew that Piffling’s political landscape had felt a mighty tremor – and half an hour later, that tremor had reached Funn Funerals…
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SCENE 2.
FUNN FUNERALS. FRONT DOOR OPENS, GEORGIE STORMS IN.
GEORGIE: RARGH!! Chapman!!!
RUDYARD: Ah, you’re catching on! But you need to really put your spleen into it. Like this-
ANTIGONE: Shut up, Rudyard. Georgie, what’s going on?
GEORGIE: Think of the worst five-word sentence possible.
RUDYARD: Mum.
ANTIGONE: And.
RUDYARD: Dad.
ANTIGONE: Are.
RUDYARD: Back. Oh dear.
GEORGIE: No. Eric is running for Mayor.
ANTIGONE: He’s what?!
RUDYARD: Eric Chapman, Mayor of Piffling?
ANTIGONE: It’s repulsive! Just think of him up there, on his throne. Clutching his gavel.
RUDYARD: We’d never live it down.
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ANTIGONE: Mmh, gavel.
GEORGIE: Exactly! We can’t let a man like that govern this whole entire island! He’s got to be stopped. And he will be stopped! Are you with me? … I said, are you with me?
RUDYARD: (CONSIDERING SOMETHING) … Ummmm…
GEORGIE: What?
RUDYARD: Playing devil’s advocate for a moment-
GEORGIE: No man has ever said that and then said anything sensible.
RUDYARD: It’s just, well, if Chapman were elected Mayor… then surely he couldn’t run his funeral home?
ANTIGONE: Or his book nook.
GEORGIE: What?
RUDYARD: I mean nobody can have that much time - and there must be laws against it.
GEORGIE: There are, but guys; we’ve never underestimated his capacity for evil before, so let’s not start doing it today.
RUDYARD: We’d have the monopoly on funerals again, just like before! We don’t have to defeat Chapman if he defeats himself all the way to the top!
ANTIGONE: I’m surprised he’d want to give up the business.
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GEORGIE: He was put on the spot by an angry mob!
RUDYARD: Ah, democracy in action! Right, I think we’re all agreed. We’ve got to help Eric win.
GEORGIE: What!?
RUDYARD: We’ll throw ourselves behind him, do everything we can. A few thousand flyers should be a good start.
OPENS TILL. COUNTS OUT COINS.
ANTIGONE: That’s our capital! You were saving up to buy a kettle!
RUDYARD: When victory is ours I can buy as many kettles as I want!
ANTIGONE: One! You only need one! And besides, do you really think people are going to believe you when you tell them that you support Eric Chapman?
RUDYARD: I’ve disguised my contempt for him so far; I can keep it up for a little while longer. Right, I’m off to get the flyers – if anyone calls, say “Vote Chapman.” Bye now!
GEORGIE: For flip’s sake!!!
RUDYARD: (BEAT) We don’t allow language like that in here.
GEORGIE: This is completely bloody typical! I’ve had your back every time you’ve tried some stupid venture to knock Eric down a peg or two in the past. And now I need your help to do exactly the same thing, you go and join the other side!
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RUDYARD: It’s kill or be killed, Georgie.
GEORGIE: No it’s not, it’s booting out a Mayor we’ve always liked for a sod we’ve always hated!
RUDYARD: Making us the only funeral home! And then everything will be just like before, except worse, whilst not being be as bad as it is now – and in my book, that’s a win.
ANTIGONE: Rudyard, wouldn’t it be better for us to spend all this money and energy on some actual work?
RUDYARD: What work? We haven’t got any clients.
ANTIGONE: Then go and find us some!
RUDYARD: Antigone, trust me!
FRONT DOOR OPENS.
Once Chapman’s elected, they’ll all be our clients!
HE EXITS, DOOR SLAMS.
GEORGIE: I don’t know why I even bother!
ANTIGONE: Welcome to my world.
MOUSE: (SAD SQUEAK)
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SCENE 3.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) This extra spanner in the ointment annoyed Georgie intensely. She was already familiar with the challenge of asking the public to choose someone else over Eric Chapman. This was going to be difficult.
THE MAYOR’S OFFICE. DOOR OPENS.
GEORGIE: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor? … Why are you under the desk?
MAYOR: (BENEATH DESK) They’ll never find me here.
GEORGIE: Look, m’lad, I know you’ve had it easy for a while now-
MAYOR: Easy?! Let me tell you, I’ve usually been kept-
GEORGIE: - very busy, I know that! So are you just going to throw it all away? You’re a brilliant Mayor! Piffling needs you!
MAYOR: … Does it?
GEORGIE: Of course it does! You’re going to win that election, and with my help it’ll be a landslide. Look at these!
GEORGIE LAYS SOME PAPER OUT.
MAYOR: Oh God, diagrams!
GEORGIE: These charts represent the demographics of the island. Now, what would you say is the number one thing people know about you?
MAYOR: Well, that… I’m the Mayor?
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GEORGIE: You’ve got it! Good old Mayor Desmond. Like a cosy, beloved old shoe.
MAYOR: I’m not an old shoe.
GEORGIE: For this campaign, yes you are. You’re reliable and you’re known, and that’s what people like.
MAYOR: Oh! Can we put that on a t-shirt?
GEORGIE: Already done it.
TAKES T-SHIRT OUT OF A BAG.
MAYOR: Oh my!
KNOCK AT DOOR.
ERIC: Er. (COUGHS) … Hello, Mr Mayor. Georgie.
GEORGIE: What the Hell do you want, Eric?
ERIC: I just wanted to check in before this rodeo gets started.
GEORGIE: Rodeo is right, Eric. Because you’re going to get bucked.
MAYOR: Can we have that on a t-shirt?
ERIC: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. That was a really ugly scene this morning-
GEORGIE: Well if you can’t stand the heat, get off the volcano.
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MAYOR: T-shirt!
ERIC: No! We can’t carry on like this. Desmond, I don’t want this election to get in the way of our friendship.
MAYOR: You’re right, Eric… This is all getting out of hand, isn’t it?
ERIC: Exactly.
MAYOR: In that case, I think the best thing I can do is drop out of the race.
ERIC & GEORGIE: No!
MAYOR: I’m nothing more than a comfy old shoe. Maybe you could succeed where I’ve failed, and turn our village into a town.
GEORGIE: Come on, m’lad, you’re not thinking straight!
ERIC: But you can’t concede! That’s what I came here to do!
MAYOR: … Really?
ERIC: I was thinking it over and… I’m going with my instinct: I’m out. You win again, Mr Mayor! The village is yours!
GEORGIE: (BEAT) Oh. Ohhhhh. I see.
ERIC: What?
GEORGIE: Everything works out perfectly for Eric Chapman. Again.
ERIC: It works out perfectly for all of us.
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GEORGIE: The people are screaming for Chapman to take high office because he’s such a great guy, but because he’s an even greater guy, he concedes before the race even starts – because he assumes he’d win if he didn’t!
MAYOR: I don’t think that would fit on a t-shirt.
ERIC: Georgie. Listen to me. I don’t want to be Mayor. So I’m not running for Mayor.
GEORGIE: Whatever, Chapman. You don’t get off that easily.
ERIC: OK, give me those charts.
ROLLS UP CHART INTO A MEGAPHONE.
EARTH TO GEORGIE! I JUST WANT THE MAYOR TO BE THE MAYOR! OVER!
GEORGIE GRABS THE ‘MEGAPHONE’.
GEORGIE: AND HE WILL BE AFTER HE BEATS THE LIVING JAM OUT OF YOU ON POLLING DAY! DOUBLE OVER!
ERIC: Georgie, you’re really beginning to tick me off.
GEORGIE: Well that’s funny, because you’ve been ticking me off since the beginning of time!
MAYOR: (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) Come in, Number 39! Your boat is on fire! Ooh, how silly.
ERIC: OK. You know what, Georgie? You’ve helped me change my mind. Eric Chapman is back in the ring.
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GEORGIE: Suits us just fine! We’re going to tear you to pieces!
MAYOR: What’s happening?
ERIC: I’ll tell you what’s happening! I’m going for the top job, and I’m in it to win it.
GEORGIE: So are we! And it’s going to get bloody.
ERIC: Enjoy yourself.
GEORGIE: No, you enjoy yourself!
ERIC: Oh I will!
GEORGIE: SO WILL I!!
DOOR SLAMS
(HEAVY BREATHING OF RAGE)
MAYOR: So is he still going to let me win?
GEORGIE: Yer worship: it’s time to get our game on.
MAYOR: (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) After lunch?
GEORGIE: Now!
MAYOR: (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) Oh.
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SCENE 4.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) The race for Piffling had begun! Eric Chapman vs Desmond Desmond – a battle of the giants. Over the ensuing days, I tagged along with Georgie on the campaign trail to take notes for my first political thriller!
VILLAGE STREET. GEORGIE KNOCKS ON A DOOR. DOOR OPENS.
TANYA: Hello?
GEORGIE: Hey, Tanya. You got a minute?
TANYA: Why yes! I have! What’s it all about, Georgie?
GEORGIE: I’m just doing some canvassing for next week’s election, and I was wondering if Mayor Desmond can count on your vote-
TANYA: Ah, no no no – I don’t like discussing politics and I never have. It’s all propaganda, isn’t it, when you think about it?
GEORGIE: Not when you think about it, no.
TANYA: Come polling day, I shall survey my options and vote in what I believe to be the best interests of the village.
GEORGIE: So could I tell you what Desmond’s planning to do-
TANYA: (STILL SMILING) No, no you couldn’t.
GEORGIE: It’s just some information-
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TANYA: La la la la la, I can’t hear you!
BILL: (OFF) Darling, what’s happening out there?
TANYA: My democratic rights are being stifled by an establishment stooge!
BILL: (OFF) Come away, Tanya.
DOOR SLAMS.
GEORGIE: Oh come on!
ERIC: (APPROACHING) Well look who it is! Knocking on a few doors are we?
GEORGIE: So what if I am?
ERIC: I might give it a go myself, if you don’t mind?
GEORGIE: Knock yourself out.
KNOCK ON DOOR, OPENS.
TANYA: LA LA LA LA LA, I can’t hear- oh, hello Eric!
ERIC: Tanya! Sorry to just show up like this but I wanted a word-
TANYA: About the election?
ERIC: We don’t have to talk about politics if you’d rather not?
TANYA: No I’d be glad to, come in! Bill, Eric’s popped round!
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BILL: (OFF) Oh, lovely!
TANYA USHERS ERIC IN. DOOR SLAMS.
GEORGIE: (IRRITATED NOISE) Alright, Mr Wise Guy. I think it’s time we kicked things up a notch…
MADELEINE: (V.O.) As Georgie darted away to do just that, her candidate was carrying out some canvassing of his own.
SCENE 5.
MAYOR’S OFFICE.
MAYOR: And so, for tried and tested, dependable leadership, I hope you’ll vote for me next week. After all, as I like to say: why settle for anything new? Vote Desmond!
WAVERING: (CLAPS) Well done, Dezzy! Very compelling. Now how about trying it on someone who isn’t your boyfriend?
MAYOR: (WORRIED) Yes, well. Maybe after another biscuit…
BITES INTO BISCUIT.
WAVERING: My communion wafers!
MAYOR: Oh, whoops.
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SCENE 6.
VILLAGE STREET.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) And whilst the Mayor fished out the wafer from his camomile tea, I watched Eric knocking on doors.
KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS.
SCRUPLE: Yes?
ERIC: Afternoon, Miss Scruple!
SCRUPLE: Hello Mr. Chapman! Ooh, I’m not dead yet, you know.
ERIC: Ha ha, no, I’m just here to ask if you’d consider voting for me in the Mayoral election?
SCRUPLE: Is it that time already? Right then. I want tax cuts, winter fuel, and a free bus pass.
ERIC: We haven’t got a bus – but consider it done.
SCRUPLE: Hmm. Bit of a pushover, aren’t you?
ERIC: OK. Get your own bus pass.
SCRUPLE: That’s more like it! You’ve got my vote!
RUDYARD: (APPROACHES) The sensible choice, Miss Scruple! A vote for Chapman is a vote for prosperity!
ERIC: Rudyard?
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RUDYARD: You see, only Eric Chapman can guarantee a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.
SCRUPLE: But I haven’t got a garage, just a potting shed.
RUDYARD: Then we’ll put a car in there. Vote Chapman!
ERIC: What are you doing?
RUDYARD: Helping.
ERIC: For the love of God, don’t.
RUDYARD: Here, Miss Scruple – take a flyer, take a badge.
SCRUPLE: I don’t know-
RUDYARD: How about an air horn?
BLOWS AIR HORN
SCRUPLE: Aaaarghh!
ERIC: What the Hell are you doing?!
RUDYARD: Winning the election!
SCRUPLE: Is he with you, Mr Chapman?
ERIC: No. // RUDYARD: Yes.
SCRUPLE: Then you can stuff your election up your trousers!
DOOR SLAM.
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RUDYARD: Damn. You were so close too.
ERIC: Bloody Hell, Rudyard! What’s your game?
RUDYARD: Boggle. But I can’t see how that’s relevant-
ERIC: You know what I mean. What are you up to? This is the first time you’ve ever tried to help me with something.
RUDYARD: (THREATENING) And it won’t be the last!
ERIC: That’s what I’m talking about! Why did you say it like that?
RUDYARD: Now look here, Chapman-
ERIC: No, Rudyard, YOU look HERE!
RUDYARD: I’m not sure that works.
ERIC: I don’t know what you’re up to, but I won’t be using wild claims and empty promises – I’m fighting this thing fairly, and I’m sure Desmond will too.
RUDYARD: Oh, then you haven’t heard?
ERIC: Heard what?
RUDYARD: On the radio.
TURNS ON POCKET RADIO.
JENNIFER: (D) This is Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, with another message from today’s sponsor!
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GEORGIE: (D) (DEEP VOICE) … I want to tell you about a monster called… Eric Chapman.
ERIC: What the…?
GEORGIE: (D) Eric Chapman is guilty of animal cruelty.
ERIC VOICE: (D) There’s more than one way to skin a cat!
ERIC: But-!
GEORGIE: (D) Eric Chapman is an alcoholic.
ERIC VOICE: (D) I think I’ll have a light ale!
ERIC: I can’t believe this!
GEORGIE: (D) Eric Chapman enjoys global warming.
ERIC VOICE: (D) (CLEARLY STITCHED TOGETHER) I… love… hurting… the… environment.
GEORGIE: (D) Eric Chapman could become Mayor – unless you stop him first. Vote Desmond.
ERIC: Right. So that’s the way the wind’s blowing, is it? Excuse me, Rudyard – and keep listening. (STORMS OFF)
RUDYARD: (CALLING) You forgot your air horn!
HE BLOWS AIR HORN.
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JENNIFER: (D) Strong words from the Vote Desmond campaign, and I’m sure we’ll all be taking them at face value. But will Eric Chapman himself eventually rebut these claims-
ERIC STORMS INTO THE STATION.
(D) … when he comes into the studio… only a few moments ago - hello, Mr Chapman!
ERIC SITS DOWN, THROWS HEADPHONES ON.
ERIC: (D) Hi Jennifer. I’d just like to tell the people of Piffling that I’m disappointed to see my opponent resorting to obvious lies and underhand tricks. When you all go to the polling stations next week, I just want you to think about us both, carefully – and then vote with your hearts. That’s all I ask. Think. Care. Vote.
JENNIFER: (D) (APPLAUDS) Oh, that was cracking! I am definitely voting for you! (SOMBRE) My opinions may not reflect those of Piffling FM or any of its subsidiaries.
RUDYARD: (DRY) Sterling work, Chapman. Time to get winning. After all, it’s what you’re best at…
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SCENE 7.
FUNN FUNERALS
JENNIFER: (ON RADIO) And tune in this weekend to hear the two candidates going head-to-head in our Mayoral debate! All the important, hot button issues will be covered, and I’m looking forward to finding out exactly what they are!
RADIO SWITCHED OFF.
GEORGIE: (SIGH) Fine. It’s fine! The people love Desmond. He’s honest. Dependable. And usually kept very busy.
ANTIGONE: (CLOSE) Is that enough?
GEORGIE: Aagh!
ANTIGONE: Aren’t you getting a little carried away with all this?
GEORGIE: No! You know what, Antigone, I could be doing a Hell of a lot more. Eric’s gonna win this over my dead body.
ANTIGONE: He wins everything else, why try to hold back the tide?
GEORGIE: I’m great at holding back the tide. You’re gonna vote for us, aren’t you?
ANTIGONE: I don’t see the point. Nothing ever changes. We’re just whiling away the days until the heat death of the universe. (CLOSE) It’s closer than you think.
GEORGIE: But wouldn’t you rather do that with Desmond as Mayor?
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ANTIGONE: I’m not entirely sure it makes a difference.
GEORGIE: (EXASPERATED) But… why not?
ANTIGONE: Georgie, if I can give you two words of advice, it’s this: give up. Relinquish all hope of anything changing for the better. Resign yourself to defeat. And blow out the spark of hope in your heart before it turns you to dust.
GEORGIE: Thanks mate. (PAUSE) Hang on, no, that’s rubbish.
ANTIGONE: I’d let it sink in a bit.
GEORGIE: Nothing gets better? Nothing ever changes?
ANTIGONE: I’m having that inscribed on my headstone.
GEORGIE: Then how about when you made yourself an equal partner in Funn Funerals? Eh? Wasn’t that a big change?
ANTIGONE: Well, I… I, well, I…
GEORGIE: How come you’re always throwing yourself at projects like deadly chocolates and naughty books?
ANTIGONE: Why won’t you stop saying things?
GEORGIE: And how come this place is still standing, despite everything we’ve been through? Because we are the masters of our own destinies, and you’re the living proof!
ANTIGONE: No, no I can’t be!
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GEORGIE: I’m going to fight this thing with everything I’ve got, because it’s worth doing. And I’ll see you on polling day!
ANTIGONE: Me?
GEORGIE: Yes. As a conscientious resident of Piffling Vale, you are going to have your say!
ANTIGONE: But I don’t know who to vote for!
GEORGIE: Then work it out.
ANTIGONE: Well, on the one hand, if Chapman wasn’t running his funeral parlour, we’d be doing better, so I should probably vote for him! Though on the other hand, the Mayor’s is a Mayor so I ought to vote for him… But on the other hand Chapman can do anything, so maybe… But on the other hand you’ll be hurt if I don’t vote for the Mayor… But on the other hand, Rudyard will annoy me if I don’t vote for Chapman – for God’s sake, look, I’m up to five hands!
GEORGIE: That’s politics for you.
ANTIGONE: How can someone make an informed decision when they’ve got all this information?
GEORGIE: Um-
ANTIGONE: I’m going to think about this and then you’ll be sorry!
MORTUARY DOOR SLAMS.
(OFF) (ANGUISHED) I hate choices!
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SCENE 8.
STREET EXTERIOR
MADELEINE: (V.O.) As tensions flared and polling day drew nearer, the two candidates fought tooth and nail to win the approval of Piffling’s public…
KNOCK ON DOOR.
MAYOR: (CALL) Hello-o-o!
DOOR WHIPPED OPEN.
SCRUPLE: (ANGRY) What?
MAYOR: Could I talk to you about-
SCRUPLE: No! I’m not in.
MAYOR: Aren’t you?
SCRUPLE: No.
MAYOR: Oh. … Well, I’ll come back when you are.
DOOR SLAMS.
GEORGIE: We should move on.
MAYOR: No, no. I don’t mind waiting.
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SCENE 9.
PIFFLING FM STUDIO. MUTTERING FROM ASSEMBLED GUESTS.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) And then came the day of the big debate, live from Piffling FM! A number of guests had squeezed themselves into what Jennifer Delacroix called her studio – AKA her parents’ kitchen – and I sat in the corner, notebook in paw, to watch it all unfold.
JENNIFER: Everyone! Everyone! Can I have your attention please?
KNOCK AT KITCHEN DOOR.
(CALL) Not now, Mum!
JEN.’S MUM: (THROUGH DOOR) Your father wants a yoghurt.
JENNIFER: (CALL) Go to the shops! Right, listen up, we’re about to go on the air! Remember, no swearing or brand names.
BILL: But I bloody love Pepsi.
JENNIFER: You don’t anymore, Bill. OK… 3… 2… 1…
PIFFLING FM JINGLE
This is Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, presenting an election special broadcast: the great debate! On my left, I have the incumbent Mayor, his worship Desmond Desmond, and his campaign manager, Georgie Crusoe.
MAYOR: A pleasure to be here.
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GEORGIE: Ditto.
JENNIFER: And to my right, our challenger, Eric Chapman, with his campaign manager, Rudyard Funn.
RUDYARD: Thank you.
ERIC: Not my campaign manager.
JENNIFER: I have to say, this event has drawn the most callers we’ve ever had, and we’re going to hear from all three of them over the next few minutes. Caller number one, hello!
NANA: (D) ‘Ello, is Georgie there?
GEORGIE: Nana! Hey! What’s your question?
NANA: (D) Are you coming back for tea later? I’ve got us some films to watch with that Kevin Costner.
GEORGIE: Do you even like him?
NANA: (D) I’d ruin him! (DIRTY CHUCKLE)
JENNIFER: Sorry to interrupt you, caller, but do you have a question for our candidates?
NANA: (D) Yes, I do: is Georgie coming back for tea tonight?
GEORGIE: Yes, Nana.
NANA: (D) Oh good. Bye then.
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PHONE PUT DOWN. DEAD TONE.
JENNIFER: Well, a rigorous start to our debate – but I’d like to ask our candidates: what would you say has been your greatest contribution to Piffling Vale? Eric?
ERIC: Ooo, gosh. Well, I founded our second funeral home-
RUDYARD: (ANGRY) Chapman!
ERIC: What?
RUDYARD: Sorry, it’s automatic.
ERIC: As a councillor, I’ve always promoted community values – oh, and I restocked the aquarium with some actual fish.
RUDYARD: It’s just not the same anymore.
ERIC: RUDYARD and yeah I think I helped to open the Community Hospital. It’s difficult to choose any one thing.
JENNIFER: Gosh. It’s jolly impressive when you stack it all up like that, isn’t it? Mayor Desmond, your response?
GEORGIE: Be careful.
MAYOR: Don’t worry, Miss Crusoe, I’ve got this one. (TO THE MIC) I gave Eric permission to do all those things!
GEORGIE: God’s sake!
ERIC: Thanks again, Des.
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MAYOR: Don’t mention it, old boy! You’ve done us all proud!
GEORGIE: Stop saying nice things!
JENNIFER: Onto our second question – hello caller no. 2!
SID: (D) ‘ello, yeah. Sid Marlowe here. My question is: would the candidates be prepared to launch nuclear weapons in a first-strike capacity?
RUDYARD & GEORGIE: Say yes.
ERIC: Why do you need to know that?
SID: (D) That sounds like a condescending liberal elite attitude to me! Er, no offence, Eric boy.
JENNIFER: Mayor Desmond. Would you hit the big red button?
MAYOR: Well, I’ve never thought of it, really. What a horrible idea.
ERIC: I’d hate to have that sort of power in my hands. Again…
MAYOR: Can I get back to you on that one, Mr Marlowe?
SID: (D) No problem! When would suit you?
MAYOR: After the election, I think.
SID: (D) Got it in the diary. Cheers! Bye!
JENNIFER: Thank you, Sid. Well, I think things are hotting up, so let’s take a brief recess and check in with the polls. Bill and Tanya: where do you stand?
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BILL: I think I’d vote for Desmond.
TANYA: Probably Eric, I think.
JENNIFER: Well there we are – it’s neck and neck in the polls, so there’s still everything to play for.
RUDYARD: Neck and neck? Chapman, what are you playing at?
ERIC: Not in the mood for this, Rudyard.
RUDYARD: But you should be wiping the floor with this old fool!
GEORGIE: You can’t call him that!
MAYOR: You should wipe floors with mops, not people.
ERIC: Jennifer, I’m sorry but this man is not and never has been my campaign manager. He’s an agent provocateur!
RUDYARD: I am not!
JENNIFER: Mr Funn, you may be a lingerie model but you’ve no place in this debate. I’m going to have to ask you to leave this studio before we can proceed.
GEORGIE: On your bike, Rudyard.
RUDYARD SHUFFLES PAST EVERYONE.
RUDYARD: Alright, alright, I’ve been thrown out of better kitchens then this! You haven’t heard the last of me!
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DOOR OPENS, SLAMS.
MAYOR: It’s all getting a little heated, Miss Crusoe.
GEORGIE: Eric’s on the ropes, you’ve got to go in for the kill. Eyes on the prize.
MAYOR: Eyes on the prize…
JENNIFER: Resuming the questions – who’s our third caller?
WAVERING: (D) It’s Reverend Wavering here.
MAYOR: Nigel?
WAVERING: (D) My question is for Desmond. I was just wondering, um, if he weren’t Mayor any more… would he have more time to spend with a certain… special vicar?
MAYOR: Oh crumbs.
GEORGIE: Don’t let it throw you, come on.
MAYOR: It, um… well, I suppose… if my schedule were to open up a little… um…
GEORGIE: You can do this…
MAYOR: I… I… I would, yes.
GEORGIE: No!
MAYOR: I can’t lie about it! I’d have much more time! But I love this job! And I love you too, Nigel!
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WAVERING: (D) Oh Desmond!
MAYOR: I – I don’t know what to do!
WAVERING: (D) (BEAT) Desmond! You’ve got to fight on!
MAYOR: You really think so?
WAVERING: (D) Yes! You’ve got to win! Beat the living daylights out of that little blond squirt! I never liked him anyway!
ERIC: Thanks Nigel.
WAVERING: (D) Oh corks, is he still there?
ERIC: Yes.
WAVERING: (D) Oh, um – er – ah –
HANGS UP. DIAL TONE.
JENNIFER: Well, that brings us to the end of our – oop, no, wait – we have a fourth caller! Unprecedented! New caller, what’s your name and what’s your question?
RUDYARD: (D) Now look here – I mean, hello. My name is… Funyard… Rudd.
ERIC: Christ. // GEORGIE: Really?
RUDYARD: (D) And I’d just like to say this –
ANTIGONE GRABS THE PHONE.
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ANTIGONE: (D) Give me that!
RUDYARD: (D) Help! Saboteur!
STRUGGLE ON THE END OF THE LINE.
ANTIGONE: (D) Nyah! (HITS RUDYARD)
RUDYARD: (D) Ow!
JENNIFER: Caller? Are you still there?
ANTIGONE: (D) Yes! I’m Antigone Funn and I’m an undecided voter!
PIFFLING FM JINGLE: “UNDECIDED VOTER!”
JENNIFER: Finally! I spent hours on that.
ANTIGONE: (D) I’ve been listening to this whole ridiculous debate trying to make my mind up, and let me tell you – I’m STILL undecided! Not one of you has addressed the most important question of all!
JENNIFER: And what question is that?
ANTIGONE: (D) What on Earth are you going to do to improve life on this island anyway?!
MAYOR: Um…
GEORGIE: Come on, Mayor! You must have thought of this!
ERIC: I mean, I quite like what the Mayor’s been doing already.
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MAYOR: Really?
ERIC: Yeah. I’d probably carry on doing that.
MAYOR: I think I’d do the same, actually.
ERIC: Sounds great.
JENNIFER: Excellent! A stimulating exchange of ideas there!
ANTIGONE: (D) But you haven’t answered the question!! You haven’t answered the quest- (CUT OFF.)
JENNIFER: And that concludes this debate! Let’s go to the polls!
BILL: I’ve totally changed my mind. We need Eric.
TANYA: See, I think Desmond now.
JENNIFER: What an upset! And yet still neck and neck! This should be an election day to remember! This is Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, saying… see you at the polls.
PIFFLING FM JINGLE.
Well done, everybody! That was bloodthirsty stuff! Anyone fancy a cuppa?
EVERYONE: (GENERAL INTEREST)
JENNIFER, BILL AND TANYA START MAKING TEA IN THE BACKGROUND.
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MAYOR: You know, Eric… this election isn’t making much sense to me at the moment.
ERIC: I know what you mean.
MAYOR: Still, can’t back out now, eh? I suppose.
GEORGIE: Your worship! Stop fraternising with the enemy. We’ve got to regain some ground – work to do, and lots of it.
MAYOR: Oh, certainly, Miss Crusoe. See you at the polls, Eric. May the best man win, and all that?
ERIC: Definitely. May the best man win.
KITCHEN DOOR, MAYOR EXITS.
Georgie – can I have a word?
GEORGIE: I’m busy winning this election.
ERIC: Look, you want to fight for the Mayor, and so you want me to lose, I get that. But I can’t shake the feeling that you… actually resent me. On a personal level.
GEORGIE: You really can’t handle it, can you? If even one person doesn’t like you? Mr Perfect needs to have it all!
ERIC: Says you! “I’m great at getting presents!” “I’m great at speaking Catalan!” “I’m great at playing the electric guitar while riding a unicycle!”
GEORGIE: What are you even talking about?
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ERIC: You can do anything! Anytime, anywhere! And everyone knows it! So why waste your time being jealous of me when you’ve got nothing to be jealous of?
GEORGIE: (BEAT) Don’t flatter yourself, Eric. I’ll see you at the polls.
KITCHEN DOOR, GEORGIE EXITS.
ERIC: No, wait – Georgie! (SIGHS)
DOOR OPENS A CRACK.
JEN.’S MUM: Pssst! D’you think you could hand me a yoghurt now?
ERIC: Yes, Mrs Delacroix.
SCENE 10.
MADELEINE: (V.O.) Time was running out. The campaigning never stopped. And then, it arrived: Polling day. I took a trip to the village hall, to find out the result first hand.
VILLAGE HALL. TICKING CLOCK. NO BACKGROUND CHATTER.
MAYOR: Hm. Not long now. Oh dear. Oh dear me.
GEORGIE: It’s quiet. Isn’t it?
ERIC: Yeah. How long do we have on the clock, Bill? Tanya?
BILL: Nearly there, everyone!
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TANYA: Just fifteen seconds left…
RUNNING. DOORS BURST OPEN.
ANTIGONE: Out of the way! (PANTING) I’m here to vote!
GEORGIE: That’s right! Go for it, Antigone!
ANTIGONE: (PANTING, RUNNING) Quick! Someone! Ballot paper! (GRABS PAPER) Pen! (GRABS PEN)
ANTIGONE SCRIBBLES ON PAPER.
There!
ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF.
TANYA: The polls are now closed!
ANTIGONE: (PANTING) I did it! I did it! Just in time!
ERIC: Here, have a chair.
ANTIGONE: Trying to buy my vote, are we?
ERIC: No, you’ve already voted.
ANTIGONE: In that case thank you thank you – (EXHAUSTED SIGH)
ANTIGONE COLLAPSES INTO CHAIR.
JENNIFER: Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM! How are the two candidates feeling as they await the outcome?
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ERIC: Very happy for this all to be coming to an end.
MAYOR: Same here, with bells on.
WAVERING: (OFF) Desmond! I’ve finished brewing the Election Day punch! It’s very alcoholic!
NANA: (OFF) I’ll say it is!
GEORGIE: (CALL) Not now, Nana.
MAYOR: Oh blimey, that sounds the ticket. Shall we, Eric?
ERIC: Way ahead of you, Des.
RUDYARD: (ENTERING) Right! I’ve finished! I put a ‘Vote Chapman’ leaflet through every front door on the island! I’ve done my bit for democracy! Now hand me that ballot paper!
BILL: Can’t, mate. We just closed the polls. You’re too late.
RUDYARD: What? Now look here-
TANYA: Sorry, Mr Funn. Rules are rules.
RUDYARD: Can’t I slip in just one little vote?
TANYA: Are you trying to pervert the course of our democratic system?
RUDYARD: Yes, and you’re not helping at all.
GEORGIE: Oh, stop moaning, Rudyard. Eric’s going to win and we both know it.
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RUDYARD: Yes. You know, doing all this campaigning for him, I’ve realised he’s not such a bad fellow, in a way. We’ve been really quite unfair on him in the past. We should have him over for dinner again, perhaps the occasional brunch-
SLAP, SLAP.
Thank you, Georgie. That man’s a monster.
GEORGIE: Yep.
BILL: (CLEARS THROAT) Citizens of Piffling, we have a result!
GEORGIE: That was quick.
TANYA: Could you all gather round, please?
EVERYONE: (GATHERS ROUND)
TANYA: Drum roll, Bill!
DRUM ROLL.
TANYA: The winner of the Piffling Vale Mayoral Election is… Desmond Desmond!
CYMBAL.
RUDYARD: What?
MAYOR: I won?
GEORGIE: We won?
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MAYOR: I won!!!
ERIC: Oh thank God-
GEORGIE: YESSS!!! IN YOUR FACE, CHAPMAN!
WAVERING: Congratulations, Dezzy!
MAYOR: I’m so happy!
ERIC: Congratulations, your worship! No hard feelings?
MAYOR: None at all, Eric lad!
WAVERING: Eric, I’m so glad things are back to normal! Trying not to like you was such a strain!
RUDYARD: No no no – stop everything! I demand a recount.
TANYA: Alright. I’ll do it now. (BEAT) Mayor Desmond wins.
GEORGIE: YES! // MAYOR: Hurray!
RUDYARD: Hang on! How many votes were there?
BILL: Three.
GEORGIE / RUDYARD: Three?!
BILL: Yeah. Having a proper election’s been so exhausting, I think everyone just stayed at home.
TANYA: I miss Baron Undercrackers! He made politics fun!
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RUDYARD: But didn’t you vote?
TANYA: No, I think all politicians are liars.
BILL: And I’m an anarchist.
GEORGIE: Reverend?
WAVERING: Ah, I was busy making the punch. Sorry, Desmond.
MAYOR: This is great punch.
RUDYARD: Antigone! What about you? Who did you vote for?
ANTIGONE: Nobody! Ha!
GEORGIE: Yes you did, we saw you.
ANTIGONE: I spoilt my ballot! All those leaflets and debates and none if it made any sense, and I was right all along! Nothing’s changed! What’s the point! Nothing’s changed! I knew I was right! If life gives you lemons, THROW THEM AWAY!
GEORGIE: Wait, what was the vote share?
TANYA: Two for Desmond, one for Eric.
GEORGIE: Well, I voted, and so did Desmond… Ha. Chapman. All that “ooh, I’m Eric Chapman, I don’t even want to be Mayor”, and you still voted for yourself.
ERIC: No I didn’t. I voted for Desmond.
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GEORGIE: What?
MAYOR: That’s funny. I voted for you!
ERIC: Aw. Cheers, Des!
GEORGIE: (SIGHING) Unbelievable.
JENNIFER: So there you have it! The next Mayor of Piffling Vale will be… the Mayor! How do you feel about the result, Mr Chapman?
ERIC: Delighted. Desmond is the best Mayor this island could hope for – and I’m glad to be going back to Chapman’s, where I’ll be putting the fun in funerals like usual!
RUDYARD: (SEETHE)
JENNIFER: Kind and dignified, even in defeat. And so charming. Eric Chapman, everybody!
ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE.
GEORGIE: (SIGH) There: cheers, applause... Maybe Antigone was right after all. You shouldn’t wish for the impossible.
MAYOR: Miss Crusoe?
GEORGIE: Oh. Hey Mayor.
MAYOR: I just wanted to say… Thank you. For everything.
GEORGIE: Don’t mention it.
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MAYOR: No, really. This whole election had me… more than a little worried. I didn’t think I was up to the task, even at the end there! But you believed in me so much that… well, I feel ready to be the best Mayor I’ve ever been!
GEORGIE: Really?
MAYOR: In a position like this, a lot of people can take you for granted. But I think life’s all about finding those people who’d never do that. Like my Nigel. And you.
GEORGIE: (TOUCHED) Thanks, Mayor. Glad to help.
MAYOR: What would you say to dinner for the whole campaign team at the yacht club?
GEORGIE: Table for two, then?
MAYOR: Exactly!
MADELEINE: (V.O.) As the Mayor and Georgie departed for a richly deserved slap-up feed, I remained behind with the exhausted Funns. I wondered why the people of Piffling could only express themselves politically when they were part of an angry mob. Perhaps, in the long run, politicians get the voters they deserve? … Discuss.
THEME TUNE.
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ANNOUNCER: The Race for Piffling was written by Tom Crowley and edited by David K. Barnes. It was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Ciara Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as the Mayor, Andy Secombe as Reverend Wavering, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, Julia Deakin as Nana Crusoe, and Belinda Lang as Madeleine, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin. Original music composed by James Whittle and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell. The programme was recorded at ArtSpace Studios, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.
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