Chris Kamara, Low-Laithes Golf Club, April 2008. celebrity swing school

How would the TV presenter and former no- nonsense Leeds United hero cope under the Swing School spotlight...? No. 25 Chris

KamaraWords: Richard Lenton Photography: Darren Arthur

‘I really like this hen I canvassed GP’s talent-laden new Teach The editorial team for their opinion World To Swing on luring presenter page design...’ W and former Leeds United hard man Chris Kamara into Celebrity Swing School, the Kammy for his induction into GP’s golfing verdict was pretty unanimous. “He’ll be brotherhood, he’s also a genuinely nice, spot on. He’s a top bloke, go get him.” generous spirited guy. I already had a fair inkling that Kammy Rather than meeting us at his local would be good value. In a previous life course, Low Laithes, Kammy insists on I also worked for the Murdoch empire, welcoming photographer Darren and I and one lunchtime in the canteen, just into his spacious family home that sits on as Kammy was about to take a bite several acres of land in the West Yorkshire from his overflowing plate of bangers village of Kirkhamgate. It’s a homely, and mash, a former colleague of mine welcoming house, far removed from the hollered, “THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE JEFF…A ostentatiousness found in the cribs of SAUSAGE!!” Rather than get the hump, many modern day, high-rolling footballers. like so many precious media darlings Kamara plied his trade as an would, the popular uncompromising full-back and midfielder reporter and presenter primarily during the 70s and 80s when laughed himself sideways. the game was far less fashionable than Chris and the word ‘unbelievable’ it is now. This was an era when hatchet became synonymous during his early days men could commit GBH in the middle of on Soccer Saturday, when he seemed to the park without so much as a warning begin every one of his maniacal, high- from the referee, while off the pitch octane match reports with the U-word. An hooliganism was rife. Ironically, the eagle-eyed producer of the show then put game was revolutionised by his current together a compilation of ‘unbelievable’ employers, Sky, who pumped millions Kammy moments for the Christmas into the not-so-beautiful game in the special, and the rest is history. early 90s. The old First Division was But catchphrases – if ‘unbelievable’ can rebranded as the all-singing, all-dancing be classed as such – are a potential curse. , and a host of foreign Anyone who saw the Extras Christmas stars descended upon our shores at a Special and the gradual unravelling of time when Kammy was at the tail end of Andy ‘Are You Having A Laugh’ Millman a career that included pit stops at the far will testify to that… However, like the from glamorous surroundings of Swindon, sadly deceased Jeremy Beadle, Kammy Brentford and Luton. is very much game for a laugh, and He is best remembered for his short revels in the banter. And, as I discover stint at Leeds, when he helped guide the when I traipse up to Wakefield to take sleeping giants back into the top flight after replacing towards the end of the 1989-90 season. His partner in the midfield engine room was another shrinking violet, …

www.golfpunkonline.com june 2008 GolfPunk 101 celebrity swing school

Paul is not about ‘They’re gonna to give Chris a put that bloody blowjob, I repeat blowjob gag in - Paul is not... aren’t they...’

Chris also tried his hand at turning up to play in the monthly medal... his backswing that he’s up on his size 11 management, guiding Bradford City to Although he’s been cramped in the tiptoes like a West End ballerina. But this promotion from League One in 1996. back of my grossly mistreated motor for swing is anything but balletic… However, after being surprisingly sacked by the five-minute trip from his house, Chris Paul hands Chris a six-iron. “It’s a City, and following a short, unsuccessful still manages to look immaculate in his middle of the road club. If you can hit this spell at Stoke, Chris opted for a career in brand new Glenmuir clobber. Despite you can hit anything,” Paul explains. He TV after impressing the powers that be at being over six-foot tall, he’s also a lean then lays two clubs parallel on the ground Sky while working as a studio guest. 12 stone 12 - only a few pounds above with the ball in the middle. “I want you However, what’s inconceivable about did you his playing weight - and looks a good hitting the ball on this line. When you Chris is that, despite enjoying a 23-year know? decade younger than his 50 years. And, address the ball I want your feet, hips and career in football, he never once picked with a spanking new set of Benross shoulders square to the club,” he adds. up a golf club in anger during his many VeloCT clubs, he well and truly looks the The backswing is then dissected into afternoons off. But he’s got a damn good When Chris left part as he jumps on the back of golf pro two parts. Paul makes Chris pause at the reason to learn now… school in the mid Paul Browning’s buggy and roars towards waist to check that his club is still parallel “We have a tournament for charity 70’s he was offered the practice area. But would looks be to the two clubs on the ground, before in Tenerife in June each year. I’ve got a an apprenticeship at deceiving? As a former sportsman he’s turning into the full backswing and finally place out there, and I’ve promised to play his home-town club, sure to be blessed with good hand-eye uncoiling and striking the ball. Chris’s first in the tournament for the first time this . coordination, but learning a new skill shot dribbles a few yards to the right. It’s year. I was going to just go and enjoy the However, he was when you’re beyond the half-century mark an inauspicious start… sun again and duck out of the golf but I forced to turn it is surely going to be difficult… Paul offers a few words of wisdom can’t now that I’m doing this!” he says as down by his father, Kammy looks unusually nervous and manoeuvres Chris back into the we arrive at Low Laithes on a sunny but who was worried and uncomfortable as Paul hands him start position. His second attempt is an bitterly cold ‘spring’ morning. that he was mixing a three-wood and begins talking him air shot… I hand Chris a jacket, partly to Chris is greeted by a succession of with the wrong through the grip. He listens intently, but protect him from temperatures that must friendly hellos from the members, but, as a crowd, and enlist in the apprehension is etched on his face, have slipped below zero with the wind normal bloke and pillar of the community, the Royal Navy. “He and, as he uncoils a few awkward looking chill factor, but also to relieve the tension. he doesn’t attract the kind of head turning wanted me away practice swings, I feel certain that we’re For the next 20-minutes Chris you’d expect if a TV personality turned up from the culture in going to be in for an embarrassing hour perseveres without much success, but unannounced at his local course. Mind Middlesbrough,” or so with our subject singularly failing to then, without warning, he unleashes a you, us Yorkshire folk would struggle to recalled Kammy. make contact with the ball. Kammy’s left fizzing six-iron straight down the middle of get excited at the prospect of the Queen “I joined the Navy heel comes so far off the ground during the fairway. It’s as long as it is unexpected. but I only played sport. I got my break when I was transferred to Portsmouth base from Plymouth. I played against Portsmouth youth team for the Navy and scored a couple of goals. had just taken over as manager, and he bought me out for £200, which still goes down as the worst deal in ‘Right, just forget Pompey’s history!” that the ball’s there ‘That’s unbelievable and swing. Oh, Jeff - I’ve hit one!!’ hang on, it’s not...’

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HHiitt iitt LLoonngg ++ SWING THOUGHTS With Paul Browning, SSttrraaiigghhtt golf professional at Low Laithes GC, Ossett, near Wakefield. “I didn’t want to bombard him with too much on a first lesson – there’s an awful lot to take in. At first even the most confident people can be nervous and worried that they’re going to miss the ball, but when you’ve hit a few the confidence grows. “Chris has got a good eye for a ball being an ex sportsman. That’s always going to help. If you’ve never played a game in your life then you’ll find it really difficult. “Chris struggled with allowing his weight to go through onto his left side. When you first start, you’ve got a club and a ball and instinctively you just want to smash it. But ‘That’s it Chris, when you watch top players on the TV, when keep that left arm they come down, they’ve got all the time in nice and straight...’ the world and it allows you to come onto the left side with balance. Towards the end “That’s more like it. You’re swinging the we started to get through onto the left side club and the ball’s getting in the way now. with some nice balanced shots. You’re not just trying to hit it,” says Paul. “Another piece of advice I gave him With the tension lifted, Chris finally cracks was to ignore the ball and just think about a smile. “Thank God for that,” he says. swinging and then the ball gets in the way. Kammy continues to mix solid shots The more you try to hit it the harder it is. The with an understandable amount of slices, hardest thing is transferring a nice practice but when he gets it right the results are swing into the real thing. impressive. “Great shot,” coos Paul as “Everybody tends to be tense first time Kammy melts another six-iron into orbit. and Chris was no different. But I thought he The tension’s gone, the smiles are wider did very well.” and boys’ banter fills the icy cold air. As Paul drops to his knees in front of Chris to adjust his feet position, Darren moves in POST to take a snap. “Oi. If you put that in with a caption about me giving him a blowjob FREE NEW then you can fuck off!” says Paul. “I know 2 what you GOLFPUNK boys are like.” As if SQUARE DRIVER we would Paul… T Kammy appears to be a changed man as he jumps on the buggy and heads off special offer Ultra modern 460cc square head shape towards the clubhouse after finally calling provides a high MOI (Moment Of Inertia) it a day. Gone is the hunched, nervous and cut face technology for straighter look of a man heading for a showdown and longer drives! with his irate missus; the chest is puffed £149 Fitted with either a high quality Aldila out and he’s wearing the self-satisfied MRRP £249 Gamer or Aldila Tour Gold graphite glow of someone who has exceeded his shaft and oversize soft feel grip own expectations. Available: 9.5˚, 10.5˚ & 13˚, “Looks like you’ll be up for the Tenerife Reg, Stiff & Seniors, RH & LH challenge then Chris?” I ask as Kammy What are you strolls out of the pro shop clutching the waiting for... brand new pair of golf shoes he’s just shelled out for. Available at: “Absolutely. I’ve got two or three acres at the back so now I’ve got these clubs, shoes and all the gear I can go and have a whack,” adds Chris, who reveals that he has always been a closet fan of the sport. HIGH MOI GEOMETRIC DESIGN OVERSIZE DEEP FACE “To be honest I love watching golf. I’m a gambler, and every tournament I back Tiger – he’s won me bundles. I don’t really bet ante post, I go tournament to tournament and then have a bet hole to hole – 99 times out of 100 I’ll back him. He doesn’t let me down very often.” A BIG THANKS TO... “And I take it you’re not going to let Glenmuir (www.glenmuir.co.uk) yourself and your mates in Tenerife down for providing Chris with his stylish For more information and your nearest store by jibbing out of the golf?” I ask. golfing attire, and Benross (www. benrossgolf.com) for giving us a set CALL FREEPHONE VISIT “No chance. I’m looking forward to it of spanking new clubs. now – and I never thought I’d say that.” For details of Low Laithes Golf Club 08000 139 139 www.direct-golf.co.uk/punk free members online discounts Job done. visit www.lowlaithesgolfclub.co.uk Quote T2GP

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