PARENTING

How to Avoid Becoming a Helicopter By Jessica Leigh Johnson

WE’VE ALL SEEN them on the - grounds with their kids: moms or dads who rush to their children while around a they’re playing, calling out, “Wait a campfire — second, honey, your shoe’s untied. Let which happens often in the summer — me get that for you.” Did I mention I’m always close by to make sure the child is 8 years old and could have they’re standing away from the smoke. easily tied his own shoe? I wouldn’t want them breathing in These are known as “heli - particulate matter — not with their copter parents.” The name comes from lung condition. the incessant hovering they do, always Deep down, I believe I’m a good mom. feeling the need to step in and interfere I my kids more than anything, with their children’s life or decision- and I really do have their best interests making, instead of standing back and at heart. I also know that despite my letting their kids choose for themselves good intentions, my hovering and and face the consequences. I know over-involvement is doing my boys from my own experience the urge to more harm than good. But, how do I over-sensitive focus on their kids can step in comes from fear, plain and back off and let them live a little, espe - actually lead to anxiety in the children, simple. Fear that my children will get cially when they have a life-threatening as well as the parents. hurt, fear that my children will some - illness that really could harm them if According to Debbie Pincus, a how fail or fear that they will be I’m not there to intercede? licensed mental health counselor, unhappy. Yes, I’ll admit it; I am a “When you expect something, you will major helicopter parent. Deal with the Root: Fear find it. And, when you try to fix what What makes matters worse is three Parents who are prone to worrying you worry about, you inadvertently of my kids have a primary immuno- often project their biggest fears onto create it. This is a self-fulfilling deficiency disorder (PI). If anyone their kids. In my case, I worry mostly prophecy in action, and it’s exactly could say their hovering is justifiable, I about my kids’ health and safety. For what leads kids to feel self-conscious should be entitled. I have concerns another parent, the biggest concern and insecure about themselves. You other parents don’t. My boys could get may be their children’s self-esteem. see, children often believe that, ‘If my an infection by simply playing outside, Maybe a mother who was shy or lacked parent is worrying about me, then so I have to be nearby — just in case! self-confidence as a child wants to there must be something about me to For example, if they’re outside, I make make sure her own children don’t turn be worried about!’” 1 sure I keep pretty close tabs on them. out the same way. So what should parents do? Pincus My youngest son to dig in dirt, No matter what the issue, if parents advises: “Stop looking for evidence to but I don’t want him digging in damp, are constantly looking for signs that confirm your worries. Realize that rotting soil, or anywhere near bird something’s not OK, once they feel your worrying gets in your child’s droppings in case he comes in contact their fears are confirmed (and they will way.” 1 with a terrible fungus. If my boys are eventually), they may try to step in and Here are some other things to keep playing in tall grass or in the woods, I fix things. After years of this behavior, in mind if you hear the constant have them come in every 10 minutes the children will likely come to rely on whirring of rotors and realize it’s for a tick check. If they’re standing that extra focus and attention. This coming from you:

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1. Don’t hover. Parents should avoid mation is available 24/7,” 2 notes Christie dren leave the nest, and ensures their doing things for their children they Barnes, author of The Paranoid Parents relationships with others are healthy can easily do on their own. For Guide: Worry Less, Parent Better, and and functioning. exam ple, if a 5-year-old is learning to Raise a Resilient Child . “You can go tie his shoes, parents should hold online and find out every scary thing Let Go and Prepare Them for back on stepping in to do it for him. It that could happen to your child. You Adulthood might take a frustratingly long time for can also investigate every illness. So Letting your children grow up without him to complete the task, but he’ll there’s endless opportunity for fear.” 2 your constant, hovering interference have to learn how to do it eventually. This uber-availability of information doesn’t mean they won’t need you. Parental interference only delays mas - isn’t a good thing for me, because it Children of all ages need their parents tering the skill. Parents of young kids feeds my anxiety. It’s also not helping to serve as positive role models and to should also encourage them to take any of my sons, since I’m not a doctor offer love, support, encouragement, on small responsibilities like picking and can’t properly diagnose them, even safety and shelter. 3 But, one of the out clothes, dressing themselves and though I try. It’s best for everyone if most important jobs parents have is to making their own snacks. Parents parents try not to look for evidence to teach and guide their children as they should avoid hovering and holding confirm their worst fears about their transition into fully functioning, inde - their children back from normal children. 1 pendent . When children have a “risks” that kids at that age would 3. Don’t make your children the center chronic illness such as PI, parents should take. Yes, they might get hurt, but of your universe. Parents need to make prepare them to take charge of their pain and discomfort are part of grow - sure they aren’t looking to their kids own healthcare, which includes per - ing up. It’s not healthy to prevent to meet all their emotional needs. If forming infusions alone and managing children from ever struggling, or to par ents are right there at the children’s medications. If parents hold the chil - rescue them from life’s hardships. beck and call, doing for them what dren’s hands throughout life, it will be Kids can’t learn if their parents do they can do for themselves, they will quite difficult for them to make the everything for them. 1 have a difficult time functioning when transition into adulthood. Increasing 2. Don’t transfer your own fears onto they’re on their own. 1 One study their children’s responsibility gradually your children. As hard as it is, parents showed parents who base their own throughout the early years, learning to should try not to imagine the worst self-worth on their children’s accom - let go and eventually handing over the outcomes for their children. Instead, plishments report sadness and are less reins completely will better prepare they should let go of negative thoughts contented with life in general. children for adulthood. about the future such as, “What if my According to Margaret Nelson, a pro - son doesn’t get good enough grades to fessor of sociology at Middlebury References get into college? What if he can’t get a College in Vermont, these parents also 1. Pincus, D. How to Stop Worrying and Avoid Helicopter Parenting: Don’t Do These 6 Things. Accessed at www.empowering job with healthcare and can’t afford have less happy . After inter - parents.com/article/how-to-stop-worrying-and-avoid-helicopter- parenting-dont-do-these-6-things. his medication?” Parents should also viewing approximately 100 parents, 2. Skolnik, D. How to Stop Helicopter Parenting. Accessed at www.parenting.com/article/helicopter-parenting. avoid interrogating their kids when she found as the amount of time they 3. Kropp, M. Five Ways to Avoid Becoming a Helicopter Parent. Washington Post , Oct. 7, 2016. Accessed at www.washingtonpost.com/ they get anxious by constantly asking, spend with their children rises, personal news/parenting/wp/2016/10/07/five-ways-to-avoid-becoming-a- “Are you OK?” “Are you sure?” I do relationships begin to suffer. 2 helicopter-parent/?utm_term=.6f5adf5333c7. this whenever my oldest son says he Instead of allowing their children’s has a headache. After Googling the achievements to determine their self- JESSICA LEIGH JOHNSON symptoms of “brain aneurisms in chil - worth and validation, parents should is a stay-at-home mom and dren,” I’ll be stuck to his side like glue be sure they have their own interests, mother of four kids, three of for the rest of the evening until the hobbies and activities that fulfill them whom have X-linked agamma - globulinemia. She is a member headache is gone. and that they can do without their of American Christian Fiction Writers and has With the explosion of cyberspace children. This makes it much easier to written one book about the loss of her son to a and media in general, “Parenting infor - transition emotionally when the chil - primary immunodeficiency.

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