Someone You Love Someone You Love Someone You Love

FUNDED BY : AIDS TRUST OF AUSTRALIA, FRUITS IN SUITS, LOTTERYWEST, Information for Parents, Families and COMMONWEALTH DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND AGED CARE Friends of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual or AN INITIATIVE OF THE ‘HERE FOR LIFE’ YOUTH Transgender people SEXUALITY PROJECT 1997, WA AIDS COUNCIL.

2 FUNDED BY : AIDS TRUST OF AUSTRALIA, FRUITS IN SUITS, LOTTERYWEST, Someone You Love COMMONWEALTH DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND AGED CARE A letter from PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) This book has been include, PFLAG, The children are coming out written to assist Freedom Centre, The to their parents, hence parents, families and AIDS Council and the Gay more parents are seeking friends of lesbians, gay and Lesbian Community support and information. men, bisexuals, Service. You will always be transgendered and PFLAG has a voluntary welcome at our groups. intersex people (GLBTI) with the sometimes Helpline that is staffed Giz Watson and Dianne every day. We have an difficult process of Guise have been great office that is staffed each coming to terms with support to us during the Thursday afternoon. We the changes that are Parliamentary debates on taking place in the lives have a small library of the proposed changes to of the children whom books on GLBTI issues. legislation. they love. We meet on the second Saturday of each month We hope that reading this It is important to at Women’s Health Care book will be a positive remember that they are House, at 1.30pm. still the same children move for you towards Please feel free to that you loved yesterday, developing a deeper contact us, use the before you learned understanding and library or attend our something new about support for your child or meetings. them. Most people have loved one. strong feelings about As a result of the recent their children’s sexuality. changes to the legislation Pat Wilson, President, Many parents go through in this state, more PFLAG WA Inc. a process similar to grief. For the first few weeks Copyright: ‘Here for Life’ Special thanks to all Produced by the ‘Here for you may find yourself Youth Sexuality Project the families who Life’ Youth Sexuality Project crying a lot, and not 1997, WA AIDS Council. shared themselves Team: Graham Brown, Pia knowing where to turn for Not to be reprinted or through the comments Coates and Melissa Gillett. help. You may feel that reproduced without and photographs in Revised and reprinted by you are the only person permission. this book. PFLAG members January who has a GLBTI child. Thanks to Parents, 2004 A joint project of the Gay But you are not alone, Families and Friends of and Lesbian Community Photography by Nadine and there are Lesbians and Gays Toussaint Service (WA) and the WA organisations that can (WA), all the young ph: 0412 866 658 AIDS Council. Funded by help you through these people at the Freedom [email protected] the Commonwealth Centre, all the youth difficult times. These Department of Health and workers and Design by Lauren Willhelm, Family Services ‘Here for counsellors and Designmine Pty Ltd Life’ Youth Suicide everyone who assisted Prevention Initiative. with this book.

3 4 The answer to "what people, behave in all kinds Do lesbians really want causes someone to be of ways. Stereotypes and to be men and gay men GLBTI is probably the assumptions arise out of really want to be same as the answer to ignorance and prejudice. women? Common "what causes someone to Sometimes a stereotype be heterosexual?" The about a group doesn’t fit The very nature of same Questions research so far has anyone in that group, sex relationships provides highlighted only one thing - sometimes it fits a few an impetus away from about GLBTI - we do NOT know what people, sometimes more. rigid gender roles and Before we get started we’d like to clarify People causes anyone's sexual But a stereotype never fits stereotypes. However the meaning of some of the words used in orientation. Gay, lesbian, everyone in any group. this has nothing to do How many GLBTI people this book. transgender and bisexual Physical appearance and with wanting to be the are there? people have been raised in opposite gender. Heterosexual : People whose sexual and romantic mannerisms have nothing all kinds of homes, as feelings are primarily for the opposite sex. The number of young to do with a person’s Transgender (or have heterosexual people. people who are attracted sexuality, they are part of transexual) people do not What is clear is that this Homosexual : People whose sexual and romantic to people of the same their personality. identify with the sex or feelings are primarily for the same sex. People who is a complex, multi-faceted gender is generally gender they were born feel this way often identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. issue. believed to be Do GLBTI people have with. This has to do with approximately about 10% more sexual partners Gay : People whose sexual and romantic feelings are Is Homosexuality the feeling of not being of the population (2). than heterosexual people? primarily for the same sex. In Australia this can mean natural? born into the right Estimates vary depending men or women, though tends to be used mainly for GLBTI share the same physical body. Confusion men who identify themselves as gay. on the comfort levels of Being GLBTI is as natural amount of interest in about one’s gender is a people being surveyed. and as healthy as being sexual activity as very real issue, but does Lesbian : Women whose sexual and romantic feelings That works out to be one heterosexual. For the heterosexual people, not necessarily have are primarily for other women. person in every extended approximately 200,000 neither more nor less. anything to do with family. Sexual and people in Australia who Bisexual or Bi : Refers to people whose sexual and Just like the heterosexual sexuality or sexual romantic feelings are for both men and women. romantic relations are GLBTI, it is a natural between people of the part of who they are, and community, the GLBTI orientation. Being gay, Transgender : People who do not identify with the sex same gender have been for them to be community has a diverse lesbian or bisexual or gender with which they were born. This has to do found in every known heterosexual would be range of lifestyles and doesn’t mean someone is with the feeling of not being born into the right culture and religion in unnatural. The vast relationships. transsexual or physical body. transgender, and being society. It happens in majority of psychologists Maintaining relationships is every social, economic, and psychiatrists consider transexual or Intersex : An individual who has characteristics of often more difficult for it unethical to try to transgender doesn’t both sexes. racial, and religious same gender couples, as change a person’s sexual make someone gay, group. People who feel society does not provide this way are in all orientation. (3) lesbian or bisexual. (For Homophobia : An individual’s or society’s any of the supports for misunderstanding, ignorance or fear of gay, lesbian or professions, they are our (3) USA Psychiatric Association; USA more information on Psychological Association; British these relationships that it bisexual people. friends, our families and transgender issues, ask Psychiatric Association provides to heterosexual our colleagues. We all the organisations listed Coming Out : A phrase that can mean something couples. No social, legal, know a number of GLBTI Can you identify GLBTI at the back of this book different to everyone. It has to do with developing an or religious support is people, but we may not people by the way they for referrals.) awareness that you are gay, lesbian or bisexual. This provided and often no be aware of it. behave and dress? often leads to being more open with others about family support. With the sexual identity. Do gay men abuse (2) Bell,A and Weinberg,M (1978) GLBTI look and act so high rates of divorce Homosexualities : A Study Of Diversity children? Sexual Orientation and Sexuality : The direction of Among Men and Women. New York, much like everyone else amongst heterosexual sexual and romantic attractions. For some this is Simon and Schuster. that most people assume marriages, it's probably Paedophilia and other mainly towards people of the opposite sex, for some it What causes someone they are heterosexual. amazing that so many forms of child abuse is mainly towards people of the same sex and for to be gay, lesbian, Gay, lesbian, transgender same gender couples do occur mainly in the home some it is towards either sex. transgender or bisexual? and bisexual people, like all stay together. environment by a family

5 6 Continued overpage > Common Questions asked thinking this through for guilt when they first find and their families may months, even years. This out about their child or have very real and by families concerning does not mean a lack of loved one’s attractions legitimate fears and trust, lack of love, neither for the same gender. concerns. member. 95% of child their loved ones is it a reflection on your However, there is no abuse is carried out by relationship. If you are a evidence that different Could a counsellor or heterosexual identifying Why did they have to tell transgender or bisexual parent it can be painful to parenting styles or family therapist be helpful? people.(4) realise that you don’t situations have a bearing me? was a conscious decision. Support for parents and (4) Jenny C, Roesler T, Poyer K, (1994) The main decision most know your child as well on the development of "Are Children at risk for sexual abuse by "Our first response was families coming to terms GLBTI people have to as you thought you did sexual orientation. What homosexuals?", Pediatrics Vol 94 (1). to tell him we loved him with their child or loved make is whether to be and that you have been families can provide is an and that nothing had one’s sexual orientation In discussions covering honest about who they excluded from a part of environment in which a changed. But in fact can be gained from a several years, Parents, are or hide it. Hiding it their life. To some extent, young person can everything had changed. counsellor or therapist Families and Friends of Suddenly he was a imposes a tremendous this is true in all understand themselves trained in the area. You Lesbians and Gays stranger." Peg burden. A large part of parenting relationships, and strive to reach their may want to talk about (PFLAG) have discovered their life would be kept regardless of sexuality. full potential. your own feelings and that: "Since my daughter has secret from you, and you Gay, lesbian, transgender told us she’s a lesbian, would never really know Why am I how to work through people are often aware the whole person. and bisexual people often we have become much uncomfortable with my them. It may help you of their sexual orientation recognise at an early age closer." Maureen While people may child or loved one’s and your child or loved at a very early age, that they feel "different" experiment for some time sexuality? one communicate clearly whether they be Some families believe they with their sexuality, but it may take years through this period. heterosexual or may have been happier someone who has before they can put a Our culture and society Young people who have homosexual; not knowing. They start to reached the point of name to it. It is often not provides us with acknowledged their none of the children recall the time before they telling a parent or until this stage that they messages about a attractions to people of were influenced or taught knew as "problem free", someone close to them consider telling someone. number of issues, remembering an ideal including sexuality. the same gender can to be lesbian or gay by any that they are GLBTI is not Even though you may situation rather than the usually a person who is still have feelings of other person; have some sadness for The negative messages reality. going through a phase. depression and fear, and family fears of not having been able to and myths we have may need help with self- Sometimes we can try to Generally they have "catching" homosexuality help your child or loved learned from our society acceptance. deny what is happening by thought long and hard to or being recruited are understand and one through that period, about sexuality are very rejecting what we’re Consulting a counsellor without scientific acknowledge their sexual or that the outcome strong and not easy to hearing ("It’s just a phase; or therapist in the hopes foundation, but are orientation. would have been different dismiss. However, you’ll get over it"); by generated by feelings of if you’d known earlier, developing a better of changing your child or shutting down ("If you Telling their family or vulnerability, like most understand that your understanding of your loved one’s sexual choose that lifestyle, I someone close to them fears; and child or loved one child or loved one, and orientation has little don’t want to hear about that they think they are probably could not have becoming more familiar value. Homosexuality is in families where it"); or by not registering GLBTI involves overcoming told you any sooner. with the issues will help not a disease or illness homosexual children try to the impact of what we’re a great many negative More importantly, doing and so is not something deny their sexuality, the being told ("That’s nice, stereotypes and often reduce these to be "cured." ramifications can be dear, and what do you taking a great risk, and so now is an invitation to uncomfortable feelings. a more open and honest enormous. want for dinner?"). few would take that step Homophobia is a strong There are other services lightly or prematurely. relationship. Parents and families may part of our culture, and that can provide feel resentment towards is similar to many other information and advice. Why didn’t they tell us What did we do wrong? their child or loved one’s forms of discrimination Please refer to the before? sexuality. This feeling is Parents and family and prejudice. As long as resource section in the based on the belief that to Your child or loved one members can sometimes homophobia exists in our back of this book for be gay, lesbian, has probably been experience feelings of society, GLBTI people suggestions.

7 8 sexual intercourse in public situations is to discuss many different Therefore, every parent places, regardless of with your child or loved interpretations. and family needs to be one what can be said and concerned about HIV / whether it is between a Many GLBTI people will to whom. It is their life you AIDS – regardless of man and woman, or censor their own behaviour are discussing and it would sexuality. Everyone should between people of the because they fear negative be respectful for them to make sure they society we may have a same gender. public reaction, and you be involved in any decision. understand how STDs and long way to go, but The ages of consent are: may share those fears. HIV are transmitted and giving your child or loved Parents and families have But stop and think - if you sexual intercourse how to protect ourselves one support and love will found that their fears were feel that affectionate between a man and a and our loved ones. go far to making their far worse than the reality. behaviour should be a woman in private is legal journey easier. Some did not tell extended private thing for some, HIV is transmitted through I am worried from 16 years of age; family for a long time only then maybe this should blood or semen. It can be about my Will my child or loved sexual intercourse to have them respond, apply to all. transmitted through one be lonely in their between two women in "We knew that quite a unprotected sex, sharing child or old age if they do not private is legal from the while ago." Is it a sin? needles, or from mother have a family of their age of 16 years of age; to child through breast It is often easier to make For some parents, this loved one: own? and milk or during birth. the decision about who, may be the most difficult GLBTI people do develop sexual intercourse how and when once we issue to face. For others, Practicing safe sex and not Will they be rejected, long lasting relationships between two men in private understand more about it’s a non-issue. sharing needles or have trouble finding or and friendships. Long is now legal from the age sexual orientation. There equipment is the best way We each have our own keeping a job, or be time gay and lesbian of 16. are some resources listed to protect ourselves from religious or spiritual beliefs. physically attacked? couples perceive their at the back of this book HIV, STDs and other blood Most religions and relationships as Being GLBTI does not mean that may be of assistance. borne viruses. Our society often churches have members committed and very that a young person is discriminates and is It can also help to talk to with a range of views and If your child or loved one much a family. Many sexually active. even violent towards people who understand interpretations of their has HIV or AIDS, they GLBTI people do have people who are seen to Should we tell the family, your concerns. Parents, faith. A number of religious need your support more children. be different. neighbours, friends? Families and Friends of organisations support than ever. You should know that you are not alone. However, attitudes Lesbians and Gays equal rights for GLBTI Will my child or loved There are numerous local toward GLBTI people "We were frightened that (PFLAG) may be helpful. people, others do not. On one get into trouble and national organisations have been slowly our son would be judged; Remember that your child page 14 is a list of books with the law? that can help you with changing for the better we were frightened that or loved one has been on this topic you may wish medical, psychological and and are more positive in It is not illegal to feel we would be judged." Bill down this road already. to read. physical care. many places. There are attracted and fall in love They may even be able to a growing number of with people of the same Just as telling people about help. What about HIV / AIDS There are excellent groups who are working gender. their sexuality can be and other sexually resources with more transmissible diseases for such a change and As the law stands now, difficult for a GLBTI person, We have accepted the information available about (STDs)? who are ready to help the following applies: it can be equally difficult for situation, but why must STDs and HIV from the those who have parents and families. they flaunt it? All people and communities following organisations: In Western Australia: difficulties. Sometimes parents and GLBTI people who reveal face the threat of AIDS. it is legal for couples WA AIDS Council It is important to family members worry their orientation are AIDS is not a gay men’s of the same gender to (08) 9482 0000 remember that many about other people finding sometimes accused of disease. No virus is smart show affection in public, Family Planning GLBTI people have out. It can be difficult when "flaunting" their identity. enough to be able to tell in the same way as it is Association WA grown to fulfil their questions such as "Has he People have the right to what a person’s sexuality legal for heterosexual (08) 9227 6177 dreams and have got a girlfriend?" and express their sexuality is. It is the activities that a couples to show become very successful "When is she going to get providing it does not person practises that Health Department affection in public; and respected people in married?" are asked. Our impinge on the rights of places him or her at risk of WA the community. As a it is illegal to have suggestion for such others. "Flaunting it" has of HIV infection. 1300 135 030 9 10 How can I Young people generally Risk of supportive opportunities assume that all the to socialise with one support my people they know are depression and another; heterosexual; they have child or loved suicide resources that no idea that some of the specifically address their one? respected adults around A young person’s sexual concerns; and Reading this book is the them are GLBTI. identity does not itself cause them to feel sensitive, non-judgment- first step to supporting Many GLBTI young depressed or suicidal. It is al help as they come to your child or loved one. people feel profoundly the experience of growing understand themselves. You have shown that you isolated: "Surely I am up "different" in a society are open to new the only person like (5) Remafedi G, Farrow J and Deisher R that often does not (1991) "Risk factors for attempted information and hopefully this." Some are viciously suicide in gay and bisexual youth" support difference and Pediatrics 87 (6) 869-876. you are now better harassed and abused by expects everyone to be Rotheram-Borus M, Hunter J and informed. Every child peers, family members, heterosexual that can be Rosario M (1994) "Suicidal behaviour needs different things school, agency and gay related stress among gay and devastating. bisexual male adolescents" Journal of from their family. personnel and others. Adolescent Research 9 (4) : 498-508. Some parents find that Whether or not they are In fact, research (5) has they are better able to labelled by others, these indicated that 25% to understand and support young people often: 40% of young GLBTI their child by recognising people have attempted Samaritans YouthLine fear being discovered How to Help Your Don’t agree to keep the similarities and suicide due to their fear of (08) 9388 2500 and expect rejection; Child or Loved One if their suicidal thoughts a differences in rejection and feelings of they are Feeling Gay and Lesbian secret. Get a carefully guard their depression and isolation. experiences. You can Depressed or Suicidal Community Services professional to do a feelings to maintain support your child or Education about GLBTI 1800 184 527 suicide risk assessment loved one by educating acceptance (or merely people is an important If you feel that your child, and don’t leave the yourself as much as to survive); step in being able to loved one or anyone you Don’t be afraid to person alone. ask someone who is possible about sexuality. have no opportunity support young people and know may be feeling feeling depressed and Take notice of threats. openly to date each prevent further suicide suicidal, here are some Young people realise that lost if they have had Try not to change the other or flirt or engage attempts. Avenues need to suggestions that will help: GLBTI people are thoughts of hurting subject because you’re in sexual experimenting be created to help young condemned by society. Have available the themselves. Ask in a scared. This may look like like other teens; and people develop positive Even before they reach numbers for the crisis non-judgemental way, you don’t care. self-esteem and skills to the kindergarten lack accurate lines that have trained and be prepared for the deal with a sometimes Don’t try to solve their playground, they learn information about their counsellors who can talk answer. hostile environment. problems as soon as they negative words for gays, feelings and to people about their feelings. The best way to Listen openly and share them. To a person lesbians, and bisexuals. experiences. These young people need: help someone who is calmly. Don’t be afraid thinking about suicide, feeling suicidal is to get to talk about suicide or the problems look major them to contact one of the problems that have and unsolvable right now. the crisis lines listed caused the suicidal They may just want to below, or call them behaviour. Problems share them with someone yourself for some advice. don’t get worse by at this stage. talking about them. Don’t tell them they’re Kids Helpline Show you care. If selfish to consider suicide 1800 551 800 they confide in you that when their life is so good, Crisis Care (Perth) they have been thinking or that suicide is the (08) 9223 1111 about suicide, tell them easy way out. This will (outside Metro area) and show them how make them feel guilty as 1800 199 008 much you care. well as depressed.

11 12 Book List

Many of these books and other resources are available at PFLAG, Gay and Lesbian Community Services or through your local Library or Bookstore. Will I ever learn to deal with my Recommended book stores that have many resources in stock: child or loved one’s sexuality? Arcane Bookshop, Northbridge Perhaps the best way to answer this is to listen to Down to Earth Bookshop, Perth other parents.

"I think the turning point for me was when I read Straight Parents, Gay Religion friends of gay, lesbian, Freedom Centre supports the Children: Keeping transgender and bisexual diversity of young people’s more about it, and read that most kids who can Homosexuality and Families Together people. Many people have sexuality and gender accept their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier Religion, Richard Hasbury Robert A Bernstein, found it really helpful to expression. They run (ed) Hawthorn Press 1990 and more confident. And of course that’s what I Thunder’s Mouth Press, talk to other parents, groups,courses, retreats, friends and families of activities and events for people wanted for my child and I sure didn’t want to be New York, 1995 Is the Homosexual my young GLBTI people. aged 25 and under. All events what was standing in the way of that." Peter Neighbour? A positive are drug and alcohol free. Family Outing, Chastity Christian Response, Letha PFLAG meets once a Bono, Bantam Books, month. For more "I have to tell you, there are so many pluses now. Scanzoni and Virginia R Phone 9482 0000 1999 Mollenkott. Harper San information call the 24 You begin to recognise what an incredible child you email: [email protected] Francisco, 1994 hour helpline on (08) have to share this with you and to want you to be My Child is Gay, Bryce 9228 1005. OTHER PFLAG GROUPS AND McDougall (Ed), Allen The New Testament and CONTACTS part of their lives. The trust that’s been placed in Gay and Lesbian and Unwin, 1998 Homosexuality, Robin your hands, and the guts it took to do that, is Community Services of PFLAG Brisbane Scroggs. Augsburg amazing." Frank WA (Inc) PO Box 3142, Friends and Family – Fortress, 1984 South Brisbane QLD 4101 True Stories of Gay Trained volunteer "Most of us are like three leaf clovers - sort of America’s Straight Living in Sin? A Bishop counsellors provide a PFLAG Bunbury ordinary, not much attention is given to us - but Allies, Dan Woog, Rethinks Human Sexuality safe, non-judgemental, Phone Jill on Bishop J S Spong, Harper (08) 9797 1470 once in a while we find a four leaf clover - a rare Alyson Books, 1999 and confidential Collins Publishers, 1990 environment where you and wonderful discovery. I remember, as a girl, PFLAG Rockhampton For Gay, Lesbian and will be listened to and PO Box 1345, Internet Sites spending hours looking for that four leaf clover. Bisexual Youth supported as you work Rockhampton QLD 4700 Occasionally I would find one and press it in a book through any issues you Two Weeks with the PFLAG (WA) PFLAG Rockingham or iron it between pieces of waxed paper. It was http:\\www.pflag.org.au may have. They also Queen, Morris Phone Sarah on (08) 9592 3704 something I treasured, wanted to save and protect. provide information on a Gleitzman, UK, 1989 Freedom Centre wide range of things such PSPFLAG (SA) My daughter is like one of those four leaf clovers; http:\\www.freedom.org.a as accommodation, PO Box 4018, Seaton SA 5023 A Circle in a Room Full u her sexual orientation just happens to be different support groups, venues, PFLAG Sydney of Squares, Suzanne from mine. She is someone I treasure and want to WA AIDS Council resources, and just about PO Box 1488, Covich (Ed) John Curtin protect. A four leaf clover is not unnatural, just http:\\www.waaids.com everything in between. Darlinghurst NSW 2010 College, 2003 unusual and different from the rest. I would have Gay and Lesbian Call (08) 9420 7201 or PFLAG Tasmania 1800 184 527. never considered removing one of the leaves so it Free Your Mind, Ellen Community Services PO Box 595, would appear to be a three leaf clover." Carol Bass and Kate Kaufman, http:\\www.glcs.org.au Monday – Friday Hobart TAS 7001 Harper Perennial, 1996 7.30pm – 10.30pm PFLAG Victoria Inc. Contact Numbers and PO Box 1008, Upwey VIC 3158 Ready or Not, Mark Details Tuesday Youthline Macleod, Random 1.00pm – 4.00pm PFLAG Western Sydney Parents, Families and PO Box 5027, House, 1996 Wednesday Women’s Friends of Lesbians and Kingsdene NSW 2118 Counsellor Gays (PFLAG) Outing Yourself, 7.30pm – 10.30pm Sunraysia G & L Family Support Michelangelo Signorile, PFLAG is a social support Group Family and Friends Abacus, 1995 group for families and The Freedom Centre PO Box 3091 Mildura VIC 3502

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