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The rain fell in puddles, enveloping the soggy piece of corn stalk from Illinois to Iowa. We cry; he ki lled. It was odd he thought. The military grass of the cemetery. The smell of fresh rain worked for hours, the coldness nibbling on our had taught him how to survive off worms and was always a joy. His Grandpa had taught him preheated flesh, while the wind licked us across mushrooms, but they hadn't showed him how to how to smell rain, how to use his nose to detect our faces with its rigid tongue. When we were fin­ even the slightest hint of rain, how to sense its ished we harvested about two-dozen stalks of cry. He reached his hand into his side pocket of coming, but today he just hoped it would fall; fall corn. We ate corn for about a whole month, I his jacket and removed a toy solider holding a undetected. never really knew I hated corn until that month, rifle. He flipped the toy back and forth within his "I can tell now just by smelling the air if its but you on the other hand had grown to love it," hand, all the while flipping back tears with every going to rain. Its kind of hard sometimes because The rain gradually slowed up and began to blink of his eyes. I live in the city now and the air there is quite dif­ drizzle. It fell now in tiny splinters upon Paul He stared at the toy soldier for a while, then ferent. It's a little too crowded and filled with a lot Risen's Beret. The small drops crept down his suddenly he gripped it hard within his hand crum­ of gas fumes and other things that William said shoulder blade and over the Purple Heart medal pling the solider, the toy rifle puncturing his palm, would way day destroy what he called the O­ pinned to his suit jacket. The Gold Eagle pin blood searing through his fingers. Tears ran Zone layer. I sure do miss William; he's gone to within his Beret shinned even under these condi­ down his waxy face, soaking the collars of his Siberia or something like that. He's suppose to tions. shirt, falling down towards the earth. be helping those Rush-ins with their vegetables He leaned his head down and saw his reflec­ He fell to his knees. The blood sputtering and stuff, seeing as how their land's are covered tion in his shoes. Flicks of rain fell on them and from his hand, his uniform soaking wet, the Gold with ice and snow. began to distort the image. Eagle shinning, the Purple Heart reminding, as I remember one time during the big chill when The tears hid behind his eyelids wanting to he flung his arms out cross like, inviting the rain grandpa and I tried to harvest what was left of the break through the brick wall the military had built. and the cold air in and wrapped them around the com after the ice storm damn near petrified every He kept telling himself that a Green Beret didn't headstone of his little brother James.

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lAMA DIVA! the dirt on a whim. Nor will I live life as a prude or pris, flip­ Don't expect me to bow to your wishes­ I cry instead rather than rest my head in ping my wrist and crossing my legs tuck your ego. a jail cell remembering that the world daintily. I dominate the world not baby sit the would I am the essence of consumption; I pansies that disguise themselves rather destroy me than see me revel in dominate locales, I destroy contenders, as society sniveling and crying before the glory of my success. my thoughts, I revel in power. me expecting forgiveness for their my self-revelations. I do not fear life nor death. failures in life from my conversation. Stop looking for God in me. My glory transcends the energy of time. Don't base your elation nor depressions I'm not your savior and I won't provide on me and my explosive personality. the charity of a little benevolence to I'm liable to stab you and kick you in make you feel good.

I sat out on the porch of our house and the post, he lit a cigarette. Dwight was whining lor "Hey. Dwayne: I said. "You're getting big. smoked a cigarette. Actually, It was my his tum on the big wheel. How old are you?" boyfriend's place. but I was there all the lime. so "Aren't they cute?" I said to Brian. "Four: he replied, extending lour fingers out I tended to thtnk of 11 as mine. too. Being on the "Those kids are going to be lucked up when in front of him. He looked around as if figuring out comer of a dead end street didn't bring much In they get older: he replied. what to do next but wanted to keep our attention, the way of entertainment. except for Dwight and I shrugged; he didn't want to have kids. I, on the so he lilted up his Big Wheel awkwardly with both Dwayne, the next door neighbors' boys. As usual. other hand. loved kids. I could really talk to them, arms, stumbling with this thing the size of himself they were outside causing a ruckus, yelling non­ get down on their level, remember what II was over his head, and almost crashed it into the side sense. their sort of secret language. Sometimes like and understand the way they see the world. of Brian's roommate's car. they occupied themselves by breaking glass or Dwight, the younger one, often ran Into our ·wow, you're strong: I said nervously. "You colfectmg cigarette butts or holding an empty yard when he saw us out here. His taut little can put It down now." Poland Springs bottle by the neck and h1ttlng brown shirtless body jumped around us In nerv­ He threw lito the ground with a look of pride, things. On this day. they opted for riding the.r Big ous excitement. but he wouldn't say anything, just or perhaps vengeance. I smiled and watched him Wheel trlcyde. Dwayne. the bigger of the two, watched us with curiosity. and his bouncing brother. awaiting their next per­ dominated the vehide, small legs pedaling furi­ Brian sat down next to me and we kissed. formance. All of a sudden, Dwight ran back to his ously up and down the street, going farther and Just as we pulled our lips apart, Dwight came t,ard, and Dwayne, staring at me, declared firmly, farther Into the Intersection each lime. I wondored bounding barefoot across the gravel. We not gonna come here no morel" 1f their mother was paying any attention to what "What were you guys doing?" he asked. I was shocked. "Why?" I asked. they were domg. Had she ever told them to stay "Don't worry about it," I said. I wasn't about to But Dwayne just grabbed his Big Wheel by INifY from the main road and to watch out lor educate the child on the birds and the bees. the handle and took off on his little legs Into the Ul(a? Waa Dwayne being defiant and testing his Besides, I had a feeling he knew very well what street, dragging the weapon behind him. IJmita? Or did she simply not care? Brian came we were doing. Dwayne rode up to make sure he outside and alood noxt to me. Leaning agalnat didn't miss anything. 2 L/ lldvrs 1; War ~j Ltt /a-1;,-s

The lady at the to war and Lake cafe turned around and asked me There's a mist outside and takes an extra "So when are we few seconds going to war?" Yesterday it was warm to let the "24 hours" and that was man in the wheelchair on was all I could 48 hours say while cranes to war carry and construct A man jerks off on the train but today in the mist

Another clips his you can't see more 24 hours nails than 40 or 50 feet in front of you to war absentmindedly 24 hours I wait while we wait to war while cranes carry 24 hours The train and construct in stops at Clark the mist Wt.~ Are We Al~w? · ~, /}pl'tl .S~ttt-1-t.

My Black people, My love, My blood man we blame for shame the old folks living in the past What have we done? We are stuck in quick sand and And then I wonder, why are babies Our past fading in the dark although we're not struggling for a new having babies and boys becoming dad­ way we are drowning dies? We have discarded who we are for low riding pants, the eye blinding jewels Drowning because of our own blind­ Why are households been torn apart and cars we can't afford ness by the lack of education and the disre­ What have we done? spect of elders? What have we done? My people, My Black people, My My people, My black people, My love, blood, My love What have we done? My blood The generation gap is widening and And, what will become of our future? We have disgraced our name and we're all speaking Jibberish gave over the reigns The old folks say the young folks don't My People, My Beautiful Black People Politics is our enemy and the faceless know nothing; and the young folks say My Blood, My Love, My Life

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Experiencing fiery glances, chasing of explicating a possible romance with Perhaps flirting sincerely, earnestly, dark sexy dances of eyes - glistening, a fine mass of squeezable ass? Or not wholeheartedly, maybe making mock­ stimulating, watching your body walk by wanting to feel like a dummy, thinking ery? Exchanges of warm smiles, uncontrol­ the interested one was worth more than Time will only tell if a hopeless love lable desires of energy surrounding, any amount of money cast of spells has clouded your judg­ seductive imagery of a nude you Now let us think this through ... someone ment or thinking Connecting hot flashes of high temper­ is checking you, so should you just play The cast of spells being the one that ature passion, imagining tastes of your it smooth & feel what this person is entails the initial stages of flirting plump curvy lips on a body that is built really trying to tell you? Feelings of excitement for being the Noticing several senses of natural one invited to make the first move! attention from the one across the room What will you do? Play it cool or Is it flirting playfully, buoyantly, advanta­ become the fool? Not taking a chance geously or just horny? /}J~r. e IJ~tJIJ-1- ~, ~. .5tJul-1.tl'14,11

Rainbows I The shadows of Love I and Adore-Unrecognized always at the end of the rainstorm I the These streets I I cry alone -! peace/ The tranquility I And the silence Completion I is my own I for you I to I All good qualities I but in your view I in cycles of 10 I and circles of 3 absence I they are meaningless I But I fall to you I as I would any other I in tomorrow's eye of truth I There's a only for you I to get lost I drown in you 50/50 chance that! our paths shall /like no other has before me I Would cross again I if they do then hopefully be a fantasy I the confinement of my things lost I shall be I Retrieved I if not conflict I has silenced me I for many a I then I hope you have a better life moment I but only to be near you I in mind and dream I this could never be I you're you I I'm me I understandable I not working out I bu\ you never know This is self-incrimination/ execution I.Ps a 'Nrl-hr's .,-,,..,5 Bj CJ.rl's 6rtl'~r

One hot afternoon in New Orleans I was sit­ seemed to be in a big hurry too. But I needed to been seen before. Writers are more on guard for ting on the front porch of my place scratching out ignore this disturbance, and I just went back to the story than they are for the crack in the side­ my frustrations with my pen. I was dredging for my letter. walk, even if that crack could swallow a small the right words so the woman of my heart would Well, when the Orleans Parish sheriff was house pet. understand; she would have to understand. and investigating the robbery, they knocked on my It is often in this reverie, in this respite that then maybe she'd come back. If only I could think door and asked if I had seen or heard anything stories are made. But it is also here that lives can of the right thing to say to her she would realize strange at the neighbors' house while they were be lost, marriages ruined, friendships broken. what I had been telling her all along. The words on vacation. I was too embarrassed to tell them And this dilemma of course, is the Writer's to were there, somewhere, they had to be; I'd just that I'd watched the whole thing happening from solve, but it is also the Other's to cope with. And have to find the right ones. my front porch. there is no book, nothing written to tell us which is And while I was doing this, the neighbors in There are countless other examples of how easier. the green house across the street, they were writer's are poor choices as people to watch over And so the question comes up, What is to be being very noisy that morning. I thought I'd your house, or walk you to your car at night. And done with these writers? And what if you are mar­ remembered they were on vacation, but appar­ it is as impossible to apologize for these moments ried to one? Protect them, but do not shelter ently not. Their car was gone though; I hadn't as it is unlikely that anyone other than another them. Show them anything they want to see, but seen that since the day they left for Biloxi. But, artist would understand them. confess nothing. And if you must bring them to they were sure making quite a racket in their Artists and Writers are always taking notes your company picnic, don't harass them with backyard. about the very life they are forced to live in. And encouragement to have more fun when you find The words for my letter still weren't coming to taking notes like this is a gift and a curse. How them leaning against a tree staring out at god­ me; it would have to be something about trust. I many artists, who have been caught without a knows-what. And while at your sister's wedding looked up from my pen and saw someone who I'd note pad, used a napkin or the back of the phone don't threaten him with the word, mingle. Mingle never seen before at the neighbor's house help­ bill to record a word that just infected them with is one of those sharp edged words that never fit ing with the moving of some of their things. He an image? And how many writers never go any­ easily into a writer's hand. Mingle means smiles was taking them out the door and down the side­ where without a pen in their pocket or clipped to and introductions and small talk, none of which a alley. The man had a big load; they must be mov­ their shirt? These aren't decorations, they are writer has many skills. ing alot of stuff. I needed to concentrate. Yes. I first-aid kits. First aid kits for relief from the sud­ could write to her about trust, the trust we once den attack of a good idea. Writers are always on had in each other, and how it's not dead in me. guard. And then across the street, the same guy came Writers are always on guard for a new idea, a back for another load out the back door; he new image, some twist of words that have never

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Thoughts that I'm having The eyes. I just wanted to preterld. in my head. They were made that way - To sholv. in my head. but they change. Warmth, darlmess, a breath, but no body When the light hits they change. You get so stuck in it. Don't no light. A creak of the gate to cover up - Live. Where from? but I didn't care. I was alive. Why did you switch it off? Why disguise humanity? You saw that. Why did you save me Daddy? It was cold that day. Why do I think I am he? We knew. be,era-hiJ, -"IJ be,era-hiJ, ~j Alttl Ulls tJr-1-s

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It's when Gary antennas the same the rain airplanes death deadpan voice clouds look on the radio on the radio this ominous sardine can discussing that I trucks and sexual priests start to satellites and bombs in believe in the Middle heaven mindless East town homes A million Construction angels dying identical and pickup in Indiana corporate trucks w/ buildings toxic drums under sleepy black and white metal fences smokestacks Zenith signs as far ejaculate in and anti-smoking as the eye my eye billboards can see going 70 pretty faces down the torn by expressway advertisements be5e 11e r•/-,/j~'~ $!! 6t~ll c~"'"'s

I awoke one morning to find that the world just lied there staring at my formerly real walls. He n't enough money to make them stay. My sister had ended. Was it really over? Was it just me? cried, "If you lose your job, how will we get by? took care of me when she wasn't at work. My Things still went on. Things still go on. On and on Huh? Your precious little sister will have to drop father hated her because she supported me and and on. Who cares? No one I know. I know no out of that crap college you sent her to and have the doctors and not herself. He supported her but orie. Not even myself, I fear. to get a real job, instead of bummin' off you." not his drugs. Eventually my mother got a job to When I first woke up it wasn't so bad. When I That's when he attacked me. I didn't mind the support his drugs. His drugs took his job and he first woke up I wasn't so bad. Now l_'m dead, attack so much because it didn't really happen­ had to get a new one. Now he couldn't fully sup­ they're dead, you're dead. Then we were alive. didn't even feel anything. port my sister and he wouldn't let my mother cut Me you them. Them you me. The world around My sister learned quickly that something bad off his drugs that took his old job. Now my sister me continues, but I don't. I still saw it all, saw had happened, but didn't know what. Every morn­ had to stop supporting the doctors so that she them try to drag me back to them. ing before school she brought me breakfast in could support me. At first I felt bad, but reminded Like I said, I awoke one morning to find that bed. When she got home she'd get upset, myself that nothing was happening. the world had ended. Nobody knew it but me. because I didn't eat anything and she cried over Eventually my father's drugs started to take Even now the only people who know it are you, it. To make her happy I began to eat. Sometimes, the money that was supporting the family. me, and my sister. My mother came into the room after time had gone by and my job was gone and Eventually he could no longer support my sister. that morning to find that I had slept in and deviat­ my father's drug supporting job became a family So my sister had to work more to support the ed from my routine. When she told me to wake up supporting job, she would come into my view, whole family. Now I was alone. She had no time she found I was awake. She told me to, "Get up­ between me and the amazing fictitious walls, and for me except to give and take !hings that sup­ go to work. You're late," but the world had ended she'd sit and cry. Sometimes she'd hold my hand. ported my tubes of life. and she was therefore not there. So how could At first it was heartbreaking, but I just reminded That's when my sister began to resent me. she have told me that I had to get up? It didn't myself that she was gone and she knew it and My tubes were hard to support. When she'd come even make sense because my work had ended wasn't really sad. That's when I stopped eating in to replenish them, she'd look at me in anger. with the world. Now I realize that it was only a fig­ again. After a bit of not eating, my sister brought One day she snapped. She, too, attacked me. ment of my imagination. in doctors. By now, my sister had dropped out of Told me to, "Snap out of it, you brain dead ass­ Later on, when my father returned from his school to get a job to support the doctors. The hole!" that's when she realized that the world had job at the factory to support his drug habit he doctors looked at me and gave me tubes to let me ended, and left. Not only the room, but the house. found me in bed and yelled. He didn't exist so I live. They never stayed long because there was- For good. Soon time, too, ended. be•r L•Jj $j /}prll Slfltt-1-t.

I didn't know you very well, but I've You died when he was very young and I visit you in that big place where many heard a lot about you. when I wasn't planned to be born. souls have found their place. I've been told that you're kind and very I've seen your pictures and memorized And when I'm there I feel your pres­ gracious in mind. your face. ence, which is like a heavenly mes­ Your voice was as sweet as a bird and I idolized your spirituality and have sage. as soft as a feather. your grace.

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hold life and death child , in captivity dark and light. terror beyond darkness a scream in the comprehension feared distance felt deeply in between of the unborn decapitated. Once upon a heck of a time. in a land called trouble saying two words in a row, as long as they place, a playground by the waterfall. She sat Faraway, lived a little girl who had problems com­ were the same. down in her favorite spot, a seesaw near a swing. municating. Oh. she could talk, and answer yes Now one sunny day in Faraway all of the kids She talked away to herself, for she had no trouble or no when spoken to, and could ask with one were playing volleyball in a big green field. When understanding her own conversation, and she word, why; but as soon as she tried to put two the ball went out of bounds the little girl ran to always had plenty to say. "I'm rich, I'm rich, a words together, things just didn't work. "Over and fetch it. The grass was pretty tall, and she tripped pirate's treasure." she sadly sang, trying to come under" came out "hire the dander"; "it's a beautiful and fell into a little hole, where she found a heavy up with some kind of plan. day· was "did a butterfly die"; and "please pass treasure chest, buried half-way and spilling over "What's this about a pirate's treasure?" said the peas" would sound like "peace plastic plum." with gold. She tugged and pulled, but the chest someone standing behind her, and she turned to Now, her mother didn't worry too much about wouldn't budge, and the gold was too heavy to find the tallest kid she'd ever seen, looking down it. She thought the problem was just shyness, a carry away. She climbed out of the hole and ran at her, waiting for an answer. phase she would soon outgrow. And her father, as fast as she could back to the game. She "Excuse me? Did you hear what I said? Can who wasn't around a lot, tended to agree. Why yanked on her best friend's sleeve, and jabbered you understand me?" she asked him. spoil a child so young? Treat her like everyone excitedly. "I found the treasure. I found the gold." "What's to understand? If you're rich and else. As long as she can say please and thanks, she tried to explain, but all she could utter was you've got a pirate's treasure, I sure would like to she'll get by. "Ivan the Feather." and "Ivan the Bold." Her best see it." Stringbean waited patiently. She had plenty of playmates that treated her friend shrugged and went back to the game. She led him to the field, and together they well, and they played together from dawn to dusk, But she was too excited, so she quicklt ran searched for the treasure trove, but the hole was hiding and seeking and roller skating. They even home. "Mother, mother, I found a treasure, and nowhere to be found. Still, for the first time in her made up her very own word to call everyone she took her mother's hand. "Madder, madder, I life the little girl had someone to talk to, so she home from their hiding place. Instead of "Ollie, made a ladder." was all her mother heard. So decided this was better than any old pirate's gold, ollie, in free." she only needed to call "Leo, Leo." Little Misunderstood went skulking off alone, with­ and chattered away happily every after with her and that worked just fine, because she had no out saying more. She headed for her favorite new-found friend.

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Love. like a candy coated drop of sweet Any man that can cause a trance to the glare at no one but your loved one who can sentimental plops of warm juicy kisses one that he wants to romance and then nevah, evah be compared Showers of rainy love with a hint of cinna­ quickly but sensuously implement his mas­ So. just how hot are my candy coated kiss­ mon plums heating tn rocketing dimensions ter plan is definitely THE MAN! es? Hot enough to stop the clock of time Awaking to whispers of sugary submissions You said nothin' but a word - that can only and spend less than a dime to cool off this of tender. passionate kisses be heard by the ears of yearning Misters hot candy coated kiss of mine' Moments of feeling high on an emotional and Mrs.'s and of course. additional hot overdrive to conquer the one who wants to candy coated ktsses ride I am really impressed how quickly we Kiss. kiss to the Miss whose obsessiveness undress to unite our bodies into one heap is tempted by more and more of hts blissful of syrupy milk and honey kisses And don't you dare make a unnecessary

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You're a1 a party with one of your fnends On with the coins. A voice asks. "What's your name?" Chris smiles. ·sure." the way there you already knew that you'd hate Whirling around the lingering buu from earlier Before I know it. you're sitting In the park with everybody there and your friend would talk to drinks can be felt. Standmg there ts the sexiest a bollle-a vodka with Chris. As you guys lie down evef'yone except you But you go anrw..ay tor free thing on two legs. The eyes ... lhe hatr ... the body. tn the grass takin' turns takin' swigs Chns seys, bOoze and because ifs way up in thts big ass tall All of tl breath taking "My name is Pat. What's "You know it's illegal to be in the pArk right now." building 'n you got a bunch of coins that you're yours?" "Actually I don't." gonna throw out the window to see if it's true that "Chris.· Chris joins you at the edge of the balcony. "Now you do." you can hurt people by doing that looking down at the street. Chris asks. "What "No I don't." laughing. So now you·re at the party, standing alone on brings you hereT "You know It's also lnegal to h ve sex in pub­ the balcony Ouicldy you le3med that the coin "My friend brought me I don't like parties: I just lic." thing wouldn't wOfk. so you dropped 'em II in one wanted to throw things.- "No it's not." You kiss. Kiss for white without btg h3ndful They ram down and come crashing "Yeah. I'm not too fond of the whole pnrty any Inhibitions about It, ·n grope ·n <'II th 11 otMI' Oflto a parked car leaving dings 'n scr tches all thing either. Why do those people need nn flm stuff. C rs go by, but who cal'l!s Not voo. Not ~er lt. But from whele you are all you S&e Is them ellcuse to got lucked up? Can't they do II on their Chr1s, C rs ore just llghtl! shlntng b You gQt voor f !nil) no!NftO, ttiCI ~lever raahze thai you jus· own?· eyes closed. so light doosn't rnt~tter roo much t111 liP !lOme qvy' s car "Yeah. t know. At least It's free. right?" either EV@rything in the world ts sudd~Y mtmn­ As 11'19 party goes on you rsrnt~in out on the ·1 know I've lrolldy put a lew bollles of liquor lngless Tho ~mrtv . the coins. the tmsM

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My son Steven first left home when he ran method was the same: an honest and straightfor­ short time I did. He was gone again a year later, away at the age of 17. Before then, while his ward request not to be handed over, borrowing this time to college. But this was easier. We spent mother was in and out of drug rehab, Steven and bus fare with a promise of payment, and then holidays and summers together, and when he I struggled together to keep her clean. We argued after a day or two, disappearance without warn­ was away at school, he called and wrote often. I sometimes, but only in whispers and when worry ing. None of his temporary hosts handed him over flew up for spring break and met his friends on the had not exhausted us. But after his mother died. to me. and I couldn't blame them. At the start. I ski slopes; he surprised me by accepting me so Steven and I fought too often, for too long, and left a greeting on the answering machine in case quickly. He came down one weekend for my with only the bitterest of truth. It was all too for­ Steven called. It demanded in no uncertain words company picnic; he surprised me again by com­ mulaic, and yet in the midst of it, neither of us that he return home immediately. More than once ing simply because I asked him. He grew stronger could stop our decline. I said I wanted only the the machine recorded a call of nothing more than and wiser than I had ever been. learning from the best for him - and I did believe that - but we were the receiver being slammed down. mistakes than his mother and I had made, and both strong-headed, and in the heat of argument, But as the days grew to weeks. the mes­ refusing to repeat those errors. we each said things that we shouldn't have. And sages changed from Come Home to Take Care. I Now he's leaving again. Fi nished with school, then one night. drunk (though he denied it later). called every distant friend and relative Steven had and moving to start his new job and to marry the he wrecked my Toyota pickup. I was furious ever heard of. leaving messages for him every­ woman he loves. To start a new life. To start a beyond sensibility. He had too much of his moth­ where: Boston. Baltimore. Kalamazoo. Kansas new family. He's grown now, and he doesn't need er in him. and I couldn't stand it. I tore apart his City, Sioux Falls. San Jose. I just wanted to know me. I want him to leave his past behind. I truly do. bedroom, destroying lamps and glass, and bleed­ that he was safe. Four months and twelve days He deserves a new beginning, without the bag­ ing from my hands, I threw him bodily out of the after he ran away, he left the short message, gage of his mother's memory and myself. He'll house, throwing his clothes, his CDs, his paper­ "Dad ... I'm okay. Just wanted to say that." He have holidays and vacations in storybook fashion, back books, and his framed pictures after him. paused and left lonely silence on the answering and if it is in fact a white picket fence that circles It was the weekend before I calmed down, machine. "Take care. Happy birthday." his yard, I'm sure he'll laugh and be quite content and by then he had already visited his mother's When he finally returned home, I welcomed with it. I'm proud of him, so proud of him, but I parents in Indiana, borrowed bus fare, and left. I him with open arms, and though we both refused know I'll miss him more dearly than ever. It's not began to receive calls from relatives and Steven's to shed any tears, I held him close to me like he so much that he's leaving again. It's not that at all. scattered friends from summer camps. Always his was my last breath. I was glad to have him for the It's that he's really leaving for the first time.

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A strong body of silky flesh that any real angelic whispers of how I will master thee Let us take a little rest for we are too woman would love to caress Not a brief moment goes by that we don't stressed to handle the passion of this love His shade of color or size matter less - touch when saying good-bye for the morn­ OK! That's enough! Let's get back to the Only if this man knows how to use his tools ing has too quickly arise rough and buff of misty sweat & talks of to maximize the ultimate pleasure For this man is there always to love and to beautiful stuff that will happen on the next Climbing to the top of this silky man's crop care but no way will we ever decide to loving making round to unleash his clever mental golden treas­ share our love - equals devotion How can women do without the man I just ures Times do get rough but hopefully not too drew for you just witnessed the love that is Praying for g!Jidance for he is the finest of tough for us to ever, ever part our ways destined all that I would need to be - me! Giving him space so that he can pace him­ Hard it may be to not have a man like thee Discovering he is definitely the man for me! self to reassemble his thoughts but pray and ask Embracing all that he has to offer to me, a But don't fooled by how much space I For God's hand is always in command and lifetime of serenity approve because we need each other like He will grant you your every wish Talks of loving thee, sharing tranquility, we need air and water Now back to the man that is at hand, to standing by his side until the end of time He is adorable, loveable, enjoyable. delec­ understand. that once we get this man, to Making hot steamy love from his mind all table, pleasurable and Oh Yes ... palatable keep him joyful, cheerful, and humble for the way down to the grind & edible for those sweet tooth moments of his woman will be at his every demand Sweeping him off his feet into a soft land­ collectable nibbles on his tender firm nip­ ing of romantic hot heat courted but my ples C6-.ptu•';,5 Hear-I-s $' J.~t CIJIC It was when they were on Juliette's leopard Keegan had been talking about how much weight Kee~:~an did. A preposterous idea, of course, print coated bed. Juliette's entire room was filled he'd lost, as usual. And Juliette was talking about Calvm wasn't in love with her, he had told her so with splashes of leopard print, her bed, a throw­ Calvin, as usual. Juliette had been saying that often enou'gh. rug, a lamp-shade, the curtains, even a picture she liked men who had some meat on their Keegan was the one who was in love with frame that contained the image of Juliette and bones, like Calvin and Tony: they were more com­ her; he had told her, well, not in so many words. Serena was leopard print. Sometime during fortable to sleep on. Of course, Keegan then pro­ He had figured a way of telling her so that he Juliette's junior year in high school, she became ceeded to make fun of Calvin for having a potbel­ gave himself a way out in case she responded known as the girl who always wore leopard print ly. Juliette defended Calvin's belly vehemently. negatively. and over the past two years her fascination with "He may be a stomach cruncher drop-out," ·so, I had a dream about you," Keegan had leopard-print had festered into an obsession. Juliette said, "But he doesn't have a pot belly." said. ·come here," Keegan said. Juliette had to admit that Keegan's upper left "Oh yeah?" Juliette wasn't too interested; "I'm right here," Juliette had said. Well, she chest area was pretty comfortable. She could Keegan had had a lot of those recently, or so he was. He was lying on her bed, and she was sitting hear his heart beating, it was so steady and calm. claimed, but he would never go into detail about on it, right next to him. She thought about how often she had been in this the dreams. "Lie with me." Juliette stifled laughter. To her position with Calvin, how every time she heard his "Yeah. So, I really hope this doesn't creep it sounded like something a stable boy from heart beat, and how it made her feel. When she you out. I really hope you don't think I'm a creep Shakespeare's time would say to a stable girl! Of heard Calvin's heart, it excited her. It set off for saying this, but in the dream I told you that I course, "lie with me" would mean, have sex with something in her. It told her that he was alive and loved you." me, and Juliette knew that's not what Keegan that she was alive, and it made it all real. And "Oh," Juliette said, "And that was it?" meant. But it seemed so corny. Had Calvin said it, Calvin's heartbeat was nothing like Keegan's. "Well, in the dream, you were really skeptical, she would not have had to stifle her giggles. She Calvin's heartbeat was much faster, erratic; it like you kept saying that I didn't know you well would giggle, he'd ask why. No, he wouldn't have would speed up, depending on what they were enough to say that." to ask why, he'd understand, and if for some rea­ talking about or what Juliette did with her body, "Ah." son he didn't understand on his own, once she how she adjusted her head or her arm. That was "I guess that was about it. You're really explained it, he'd laugh and add some clever exciting, to know that she was responsible for creeped out, aren't you?" observation. physical changes in Calvin, that she could make "Why?" Juliette had asked Keegan. his heart rate increase. Keegan's heartbeat "Not at all." I'm not Calvin, she wanted to say, I "I want you to try out the upper left section of remained exactly the same. Of course they don't think it's creepy when people love me, I can my chest. remember? I told you it was really nice weren't saying anything and she wasn't fidgeting accept love. If you love me, Keegan, I won't push and comfy?" much. So she tried fidgeting slightly, to see if you away. But she didn't say that. Instead, she He sure had. Of course the only reason that there would be a change, but nothing. It made had just said, "Not at all." And that was that. had ever come up in conversation was because Juliette think that Calvin cared more for her than

overwhelmed the apocalyptic from the top of by unbearable existence. the mountains sufferings of in the solitude the people left last unspoken of the immortal behind with empty words drip abyss. souls inside heavily

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I looked out I saw a garbage collecting the dust the window can fire too of angry music and saw a ball of busted but no one In the winter up cars shattered was around glass and metal when the. music ground t09ether The Lockwood becomes too much by the we.ght of and Lake signs cruel machinery have been hanging and even the bent for as long side streets get as I can remember the blues Sleep Dver ~j bttJ// CtJIII~s

We were having a sleepover at Mary's house, ·n I was like, so freakln' out- lthoughtl would die. 'N then Ma~·s dad came down ·n like started •n, ..~~one was there. 'N we were, like. call­ 'n then this. like. Ford Bronco. like. bursts through to swear 'n cry n then he spent half an hour try· Ing boyl bit we like. 'N then Jenny plckJ u~ the the wall. ·n ran her over, ·n sent, like, all this glass lllQ to talk to Jenny. but she was dead-duh. ~. 'n the's like, "I'm going to call Timmy n tell ·n wood all over the place. 'N I like totally got Finally he calls 911. 'n the police ·n ambulance hl m~n likes hlml" 'n I, like, so don't like him. glass In my hair, 'n like everyone jus' sorta oome ·n all that. But the pollee said. "Why would I ,-aa. like. totally freaking out, 'n I started gasped 'n like atood there. 'N then Michael Michael Jackson and McCauley Caulkin putt a hit ng her around the llvlng room, while the waa Jackson 'n McCauley Caulkln got outa the car­ and run In a Ford Bronco? It Just doesn't meke dllling hit number. 'n everyone wu like In there honea! to god. tense." So they didn't believe us. 'n the car had eamlng, 'n atuff. 'N then, everyone got, like, 'N Michael wasllka. "I told you that waan't the been atolen. so they jus' let ·em go. True story. let. becauso t he was on the hone with him ·n road. Let'l haul 1111 to Never Land and have a i1n. like, the waa about to tell ~lm thatlllke him. aleep over." 'N then they both ran otr. IIIJw /Lt, I L4Vf! rt.ee Less? s, cP. c~..~3 (With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Touch. All these ways I could love thee less Browning) I could love thee for only dinner and and let passion cool tea, If only to grant thee air to breathe and How may I love thee less? Let me The evening kisses, soft talk, and space to run. count the ways. savory wine. Because a love that binds one into I could love thee for only the height I could love thee selfishly, for you to two cannot be True. and length and waist be mine. More precious than love is the right for My arms can hold, when in need of I could love thee for frivolity and fun, thee to be One. the taste The sake of roles played and the safe­ Of thine Beauty and the warmth of the ty of dates filled.

You grabbed me by the hand and said where I was naked and yo!J were lost of your bedroom with the stars painted we needed to speak in the blizzard. that spoke of what had happened the night I fell into a hole, like Alice, taking a of past missions to the moon that filled before when we made love risk your dreams on the couch. I'd never done that that I wouldn't be late if the white rab­ when you were younger. Shooting before, was I dreaming? bit wanted to chat stars move like snowflakes I said what did it matter? So we took a about how late he was. I asked if he'd that are too heavy to float any longer. chance seen you, my love, They miss the love that your parents might come home and he said you wandered off into the sometimes that night, cloudless night. they felt from their mother moon who but I didn't really think they would still loved once it started to snow. He left me there, cold and naked · them when they were gone. They, like under the night sky me, took the chance I turned my head to look out the win- and I guess I fell asleep, but I was to fall in love and spin in the cascad­ dow at the snow . already dreaming, ing snow that sparkled against the moon. I was so where would I end up? I found you and wind that tumbled in the dreary just about to speak with my faith January nights. when you said to hush 'cause you still intact, though frozen by the falling Then you held me close and said to heard a bump in the night. icy crystals sleep with no dreams You shook your head and called me that gave off whispers that turned to because otherwise you'd have to com­ crazy in love shouts when they spoke fort me by speaking with danger. You caressed my cheek, of what kind of stunt I had pulled and then chanced man was I lucky. of how I loved making love in the a look in my eyes. Then I fell deep snow last night, past midnight asleep I was so lucky to have gotten another when you said you loved me and shot chanced sex on the sofa and tried so hard to run from the at seducing you; this time in the simu­ while I dreamed of a white rabbit who nightmares lated night spoke of the lateness of the hour. rt.e fi.IJ.fts SIJI' IAI'ui !/l~a!Je-/-1.

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It was getting late at The Steel Bridge Cafe, trying his best to look remorseful without appear­ book report that was past due when the man in and when the members of the Thursday Wriier's ing guilty. When the light turned green, Libby was the sunglasses approached the two of them and Club finished reading from their novels-in­ explaining why her paper was late, and that she pulled something thin and shiny out of his jacket. progress, everyone headed for the cash bar. promised it would be in his office before the week­ It was an old kitchen knife, and the first thing that Elizabeth knew she would have time for a couple end, yes, it would definitely be in his office before occurred to the professor was how out of place a of cigarettes and maybe one drink. One of the the weekend, that was for sure. utensil from someone's private kitchen looked, readers was a professor of hers and had prom­ outside and away from its cutting board and other ised to walk her to her car when he got done sign­ At the next corner, the teacher and the student knives. ing copies of his book. Its not that she was afraid turned right down a small street, and continued But the man in the sunglasses seemed very of being alone, it was just that this was an unfa­ discussing page-count and the value of revising mad at them and wanted whatever Libby was car­ miliar and uncomfortable part of town for her to be and re-writing even her best fiction. The foot traf­ rying in her bookbag. He gestured for it with the in after dark. fic on this side street thinned out immediately, as end of his knife, and the professor heard Libby After the professor signed the last book, he did the street lights and shops windows. The pro­ say, "No!" For a second, all three of them froze; and Elizabeth grabbed their coats and headed fessor and the student were nearly the only peo­ the man with the knife and the student looked at out into the boulevard talking about the micro­ ple going away from the activity on the boulevard. the professor. The professor had never seen a phones and the spotlights. Outside in the cold air, There was a couple across the street walking mugging before, and this was definitely a mug­ street lights and shop windows shown brightly as hand-in-hand and wearing matching jackets. The ging, he was going to remember this for a long the two of them weaved in and out of the sidewalk professor guessed they were newlyweds and time. Then the man with sunglasses reached out traffic of city people doing the things city people made a mental note to add "matching jackets" to and pulled the student's bookbag out of her do just after midnight. the new couple in his novel. hands, knocking her into her friend for good At the red light on the corner, the professor, Just ten yards or so down the block the pro­ measure before running toward the boulevard. while explaining to his favorite student his alter­ fessor noticed a tall man step quickly out from in The professor fell into the dirt and watched the nate choice for the evening's reading, noticed two between two bushes on to the sidewalk. The man man tuck his weapon back into his coat and dis­ lovers quarreling on the steps of a closed dress was heading toward them with his hands in his appear into the lights at the street corner. shop. It must have been quite a quarrel; sad and pockets, wearing a baseball cap and large dark After this experience Elizabeth and the deep, and way beyond the early stages of sunglasses. Sunglasses at midnight drew the Professor rarely spoke to each other. "ijle pro­ screaming at someone's unfairness and some­ professor's vague curiosity; a character habit, he fessor published a story about the incident in the one else's lies. The professor saw that it was the thought. Georgia Review, and the student drwP9d his woman who was crying, while the young man was Elizabeth was saying something about her Fiction Seminar. TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE COME AND SOME PEOPLE ROW TO MOURN WON'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE IS NOW SHE'S GONE THE LIFE OF GOLDIE GONE GOLDIE ANSWERED TO NO ONE SHE LIVED A LONG AND INTEREST­ SHE WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL PER­ BUT QUESTIONED ALL ING LIFE SON TODAY IS THE DAY THAT SOME MY MISS HER WITH NO HEART AT ALL I SAY GOOD-BYE SOME LOVED HER HER HEART HAD BEEN TAKEN THAT I LIVE FOR ME BUT NOW SHE IS GONE AWAY TODAY IS THE DAY SHE HAD NO LAST WORDS OR A LONG TIME AGO THAT I AM WHOLE AGAIN WISHES GOLDIE LIVED FOR EACH DAY SHE LEFT WITH NO FAN FAIR WITHOUT THOUGHTS OF TOMOR-

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We've been In the limo for three hours The power of positive thinking is shit. sending. now, trying to coax the Vibes are shit. The rock star The photographer is a woman who I rock star to wake up already. His man­ has begun to snore. tried to kiss at last night's show. I ager, who's been sitting next to "You know," the manager chuckles didn't know that she was the photogra­ the rock star the entire time, won't let through his sweat, "the road can be pher then, just that her shirt was us touch him or speak loudly. exhausting. Especially when you're tight and that the complimentary gin So we (the photographer and I) have playing to packed houses every and tonics were bubbling inside me. been trying to wake him using only night." What he's really thinking is Today, things are tense. There are so the power of positive thinking. We've 'don't let them write about drugs many vibes in the back of this been sending wake up vibes across don't let them write about drugs please limo that they fog up the tinted win­ the car, from our minds to his dreaming don't let them write about dows. one. drugs.' These are the vibes that he's Rock star please wake up.

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Dedicated to those wflo were disappointed in Kurt trust me to take care of things myself, that she Kipling~sque "She who must be obeyed." It Cobain after reading his diary was overbearing and suffocating. However, must have been painful to read that caricature of translated into my twelve-year-old vocabulary this herself. "Ah, how sharper than a serpent's tooth I have a problem with you. Yes, you, reading eloquent speech went something like, "Leave me it is to have a thankless child!" But I never intend­ this page right now. I want you to read, I alone! I hale you!" ed for her to read it! Or did I? I think there was a designed this space just for you. I desire you In I rediscovered that journal from my early teen line in there, "SHE's probably reading this right the way a virgin desires her first lover. a very fit­ years not too long ago. My mother actually gave now. SHE's rude enough to do that." I must have ting melaphor, because I have Imagined this rl to me when she found it in a box of other old known something. I was always writif19 to be many times. our meeting in print. and fantasized junk she wanted to be rid of. II is of the puffy fab­ read, always imagining an audience. My early many possibilities. But in the same way that you ric-covered variety; the pattern on the fabric Is diaries were in the form of letters to an imaginary don't know me. I don't know you. We don't know designed to look like paint slashes of pastel pinks, person, Anne Frank-style. Subliminally, I always what we're IJ8tting into do we? Maybe we should­ greens, blues, and peaches. I loved it. I wrote as wanted to be read I just imagined my reader as n't have thiS litUe fting; we could catch a social much on the first page. "I love this journal. It's so someone who adored me and thought my every disease. pretty." And I lamented that I had nothing worth­ word was pure genius. You should know there have been others while to write in it. Already I had begun down the There's something about committi~ words to before you. That's why I have problems. Issues road of insecurity that would lead me to today. paper that is just that. •committing," tn aH the you might say. I wasn't ready to be read, to be and you, fair reeder, who I love and hale. many senses of the word. It is making a commit­ taken. My mother was the first. (Freud would So. I had just told mr only mother that I haled ment to a certain belief, a certain image of a per­ have a fteld day with that statement.) She found her and she shot back, I know! I know what you son or event and then making that Image perma­ the diary I kept as a lud. which, Incidentally, I can't write about me In your jouman· Shit. I didn't have nent on a page. II also feels to me like commit­ believe she bothered 10 wade through. It was full the confidence or presence of mind to be pissed ting a crime or a sin. There is a guilty pleasure in of banal descriptions of my days, "wake up. watch otf. All I could feel was guilty. Busted. I had re-creating reality the way I want It to look. I cartoons. have some Coco Puffs. go 10 achool, committed a mortal sin In conveying my mother to never really got my say In the arguments with my come home, watctl cartoons. go lo bed." and paper the way that I did. We had the rather typi­ mother. She always ended up being right. rants abou1 my lack of control over my own life. I cal family policy of silonca about painful Issues. "because I'm tho Mommy, that's why." So I made Cited my mother as lhe cause of all my childish We were not supposed to blab our problems to a world on paper where I was right. where the trouble, of course. How clich6d, I know, but I strangers. Wo wore supposed to protect the fam­ argument could end the way I wanted it to end. II wasn't ready for an editor just yet. Not ready lo Ily Imago, whatever lhat was. By writing down my seemed harmless. 8 small lie, a small sin. tap into lhe vast twelve-year-old marUI. 10 be lhe complalnta, I had made them public, or possibly The look on my mother's face that dey was rnt pre-teen with 8 bell Miler. 1f antasized about public. They could bo road by anyone who found pure rage and hurt, though. It was not a small sin publication u all wr1ters do. I sometimes evon my journal. This was a problem for both of us. to her. Illumed out to not be a small sin for me. imagined an apprecaaling audience reading my I have re-read tho entry that my mother was either. I om still paying penance today. I hide my Ill but it romalnt a fact. I wun'l ready lo be probably eo angry about. II was a rant inspired by )ournols If I write on the train or In a care. I keep i'Md. by my mother al leatt. the lecture my mother govo mo on my C grnde In the page half-covered with my 11rm. protecting ht began at all flahtl begin, with some· pro-algebra, a claas I slruggled mightily In and myself. But I am also protecting you. reader thing I probably dld'n'l make my bed and hated oven more mightily. 1 complofnod lhat my Thoro might be something In hare you don't want ll tur a fight obout my luuet with outhor· porenta oxpoctod too much from mo. wonted me to '"· that would bring your rage down on mt> IIY. INJII don't retpeet the tame valuea •• to be perfect. About hftltway through tho entry, like raining metal hammers Someltllng thtlt r. that her wor11 10 Qep the houaa clean my mother Ia no longer nomad, but becomes might hurt you. In fact, stop "'*'ding right no" ant nothing 10 me. In lt\of1, I didn't lppro- "She." sometime• underlined or CApitalized for It'a for your own good. 1 argued. In r.Wrn. INI aha wae tryln9. omphaele. "Sho" becnme o malevolent goddtee. o1 ev!fry llltPf'Ct of my life, that 1he dldn t lhe cau10 of all my mleary. • sort of Uber·bltch, o Mama always loved hard Now take you ass back downstairs Mama would fix a drink And loved hard men And bring me my meal And set in front of her radio She would give her all to him My day was hard too Playing 8 tracks and 45s And he would give his all back And I anit gone let you come down on And listen to songs In the form of a fist to the face me That made her feel alive The harder he hit her If I have to tell you again Mama would sit there sometimes The harder she loved him To fix me something to eat All day At times her face was more Mama you don't have to stay Dreaming of life another way Blue than black Please let's leave today She would sit and sing But he would just kiss her Baby And sing and sit On the place the hurt the less When you became a woman Mama why do you listen to And she would try to You This music Smile back Will understand You look so sad Mama, leave him The ways of Baby You don't have to take this A black man When you become a woman Baby You will understand When you become a woman Mama would lai in bed some nights That all you have is a black man You will understand alone The Waiting for her man to come home One day he hit mama Woes of loving When he finally came in she didn't And she hit the floor A black man Complain While she was down there She just ask him if he needed any­ She knew she wouldn't Mama would work hard all day thing Take it anymore To come home She knew he was out with some stank Mama got up and told To work again ho Her man he had to go She would come home She smelled the other woman's pussy He told her he will never leave To her non working man On him as he hit the door Don't you know that you need me Did you try to look I would plead with her Mama went to the kitchen Fora job today Mama you still can And grabbed a knife Woman shut up Go And in one split second You don't understand So you can find a man She took her black man's life The white man is making That will love you more Mama why didn't you It hard for your black man Baby Just leave along time ago · The minute I walk through When you become a woman Mama said baby The door You will understand When you become a woman They ask me who I'm looking for The ups and downs You will understand Oh that job has been filled Of loving That you will Now see you then just pissed me off A black man One day get tired of Coming in here Taking the shit Thinking you the boss From your black man Jl,{4j•' s !Jre11.-. s, /},IJ,._IJIIS

Maya went downstairs and threw herself on would come if I made the soup. Everyone is com­ When the fire started to die out Maya went in the couch in the basement. She was trying to ing for the soup tonight, she called from the chair, to get a ladle and a pitcher to being the soup to the remember why she left Cuba. She could see the patience is its own reward, things will come to table. The table was set with plates of crusty house in Verdado, where she lived as a child. She those who wait" bread and dishes of butter. There were glasses of could smell the burning sugar cane it was like The special soup Lala was making was the wine at each place and the candles were burning. licorice candy in the air. The house was not crum­ one she i'lad always talked about when Maya was On the dining room wall was a painting of a girl bling and the yard not overgrown like when she a child. It was from a recipe that her grandmother standing up in a boat laden with flowers with had last seen it. The stairs were repaired and it had brought from Spain. Maya never remem­ feathers in her hair floating down a river. Maya was painted a pale yellow. There were curtains in bered her actually making it, but she did remem­ looked at the painting for a long time then called the windows and flowers in the yard. The door ber her saying it was the most delicious soup any­ to her grandmother but she didn't answer. Maya stood open and she walked in. There was a large one had ever tasted. It had seventeen ingredi­ went upstairs to the bedrooms. Everything was in gilded mirror in the hall and a long, polished, ents. She was always trying to gather them up but place. There were beautiful hand-crocheted cov­ mahogany table set with matching plates in the it never happened, by the time she got the carrots ers on the beds and rugs on the floors. Little dinning room. She walked through the house to and onions, the saffron and the bay leaves, the vases of flowers were set out on each night table. the back. Her grandmother, Lala, was in the yard rice or the beans would be gone. Maya's mother On the walls were the wedding pictures of all her standing on a kitchen chair using both hands to always said that it was stupid to have a recipe grandparents and her parents, there were baby stir a huge pot with a wooden broom handle. Lala that needed seventeen ingredients in Cuba. pictures of all her cousins but no pictures of her. had built a big fire on the patio. The smoke from Besides it sounded hot' and spicy and the last She couldn't find her abuela. She called out to her the burning wood had sent the mosquitoes back thing Cubans need to eat is something hot and and went back down to the parlor. Her grandfa­ into the thick jungle foliage at the back of the spicy. Why would you want to heat up the house ther's rocking chair was there and so was her yard. Her grandmother was singing Dos all day cooking a pot of soup? mother's piano. It was getting dark, no one was Gardenias Para Ti, the sweetest, saddest song But this day Lala had all seventeen ingredi­ there yet. She was getting hungry. She got her­ about enamorado forever. ents and she was making the soup. She stirred self a bowl and filled it with the soup and sat down "Abuelita, what are you doing up on that the pot for hours to keep it from burning on the at the table, waiting. Maya tasted the soup. It had chair?" bottom. After a while Maya offered to take a turn no taste. It was just luke-warm water. "Making the soup. Maya, mi nieta, I knew you while her abuelita went into the house to rest.

Strings and driving on Music to burst Never to have that happy face On the manic mountain A little piece of me Our funny cliff of life Sad that I was too na'ive No recognition of the double figures Only past and future _Like I said · You look at the reflection in the mirror, shredded sponge. will regard this gossip with less than nothing and wondering when that face stopped becoming You will taste that bitterness that death attempt to busy yourself until lunch time. You your own. You trace the glass with woodlike fin­ brings to lovers, and spit at the age and lack_ of mop the floors, dragging your trashcan and buck­ gers - wooden from all the still moments spent wisdom that tags along. The reflection stanng et behind you, avoiding children like oversized flexed over a piano's sleek, warm teeth -wooden back at you is not a great pianist's as you one day bullets, banging your knuckle on a locker door from the way they scrub floors and toilets - yet hoped - it is only a janitor's face and body, the that you happen to miss, splitting the skin from mostly wooden from lack of touching the only work shirt, the slacks stained from months of knuckle bone to knuckle bone, .cursing and mop­ thing you yearn for: your sweet, absent Caroline. mopping up cafeteria food. The strong forearms ping the halls. If she were there, the scent of bacon and you see are from playing runs along the piano's On your break, you burrow into that ban­ ham would sizzle under the crack of the bedroom keys, remembering her, and as of late, from mop­ tam back office that bears a sm;~ll gold plaque door; closed, because she knows you like it that ping and cleaning the school floors. As you p1vot with your name across it- Lamonte Sacks, Head way. The hum of her voice would be your only your face left then right, you see the unmovable Janitor. alarm clock, as you roll and stretch, breathing. dust particles that seem stuck to your temples, This break brings solitude, as you reach She enters, apron strings dangling around her your lips, and beneath your short, jagged nails. into your battered wooden desk to remove a walk­ naked thighs, a spatula in her left hand. Coming The markings of a janitor. · man that holds a tape of Franz Liszt's Etude. You your way. She'd dip her head over you, whisper­ Everyday you get up is a reminder of close your eyes and open the book of music ing, "Get up, sleepy man," and you couldn't help what could have been, what should be. You see stashed away behind some spare files. You sit but watch her bottom saunter out your door, clad her face, you drink black coffee out of her favorite erect as you've been taught to and press play on in the boxer shorts she gave you for Valentine's. cracked mug, and play the music only sorrow the small, yellow box that emanates the precious, "I am a lucky man," you say. brings. At 7:30, you're off to Tulip Grove, where coveted sounds. You place your fingers as in Now, you stare at the unlived life: there you attempt to block out the screams of budding mock preparation of an object that is not really are the whiskers, spot checked white and black children by toting green, pliable earplugs. there. Your beloved piano. In your mind, you see over a moon-like face. The canvas is dark, "Morning, Mr. Sacks!" her big, black body, her white teeth, pearly and though not as dark as Charlie's or LaJohn's - "Heya, Big S!". wet against your hands, gracefully bending your fellow coworkers at the junior high school. "Lookin' good, Mr. Jan-i-tor!" beneath the pressure. You move with the ease of Everyday, you wake to the same empty spot These are the only voices you hear a professional, but in your eyes that are closed beside your pillow, the covers uncreased, dis­ through the sponge in your ears, these muffled, there are tears and truth of a passion you will used. Most mornings you close your eyes and unimpressionable voices, these unyielding never pursue. You are a janitor. The song will remember the whisper of her body next to yours whines you will hear until the close of the after­ soon be over and you will be with mop and buck­ - light, as though barely stamping the mattress noon. How Suzanne had intercourse with Brian, et again, sponging up hallways, returning to an with a long, curved spine, sinewy hamstrings, or how Vanessa hates Julianne, how the school's empty home, remembering the dreams of her, the her wonderful head of hair that kinked up like a principal, Mr. Jenkins, is a waste of a. man. You breath of Caroline.

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11.40am Water dripping, kitchen sink. There is no hand soap White, cold, quiet. Sleeping man. I'll make some tea, then leave. Not my bathroom. Asleep. Quiet. I'm cold bwer. bt./js-1- ~, c. P. c~..,5

Ai-i: aunt, any female elder, used as a title. Wo i dian pah: I'm a little scared. When Chen Wan: play. Chen Ai-i remembers how her Example: Chen Ai-i =Mrs . Chen. Chen Ai-i longs Ai-i held her husband's hand at the hospital bed husband used to wan hide-and-seek with their for a window in her Chinatown apartment that after the first time of chemotherapy, she asked nephew when they were both young, before their would look out on something other than the brick him, "How are you feeling?" and he whispered nephew grew up to speak only English. wall of the next building. back, ·wo i dian pah." Ching: clean. She will ching the apartment Su-su: uncle, any male elder, used as a title. Gu-dan: alone. She doesn't mind being gu­ today, as she has done every day since she has Example: Chen Su-su = Mr. Chen. Cancer took dan, because she can take care of the housework been married and every day alone since Chen Chen Su-su away from her two years ago. by herself, but the nights are sadly quiet. Su-su died. Mao-tze: hat. She picks up her mao-tze and Di-di: younger brother, or brother by mar­ Fang chi-lai: put away. But today she will fang straightens her clothes. straightens her back and riage. Di-di = Ms. Chen's brother-in-law. chi-lai the clothes. the books, and the drawings her shoulders, and prepares for her walk to the Yesterday Chen Ai-i saw her husband in Di-di's that her husband used to own. post office. face. Lao-ren: old person. She used to tease Chen Hong-bao: red package, little red envelopes Mah: yell. scold. Di-di will often mah his son­ Su-su about being a lao-ren. Now she is the lao­ used to give money during gift-giving occasions. Chen Ai-i's nephew - for not taking care of her, ren. Chen Ai-i picks up the hong-bao from her table. but he doesn't truly understand. Gwei: ghost. Chen Ai-i doesn't 'believe in destined for her nephew in Chicago. He calls Jin-tian: today. Jin-tian Di-di decided that gwei, but she desperately tries to feel Chen Su­ • often, but hangs up before the language barrier Chen Ai-i has been alone for long enough, and su's spirit at night. becomes too awkward. that she should move in with him. Hao bu hao?: is it okay? She asks the dark­ Gao-xin: happy, literally "tall-heart". It makes Ma-lan: trouble, tedium. It's too much rna-fan, ness gently, "Hao bu hao?" But she knows there her gao-xin to talk with the post clerks and with she protests. And it's too different from the way can be no reply. Mrs. Liu, who goes to the post office at the same she's lived her life now that she's alone. but he Bing-shiang: refrigerator. In the quiet of the times that Chen Ai-i eoes. doesn't relent. night, she remembers that there is a picture on Peng-you: friends. She and her husband Dwei: right, correct. Di-di is alone, too, and in the bing-shiang of the two of them together. used to count Mrs. and Mr. Liu among their pang­ her heart, Chen Ai-i knows he is dwel; It's best for Che-lai: rises. She che-lai from bed without you. Chen Su-su used to drag her out, to her own both of them. turning the lights on, and goes to the blng-shiang. reluctant delight, to go ballroom dancing with the Lei: tired. After she comes home, she's very Al-ren: loved one, "my love." She takes the Uus. lei. She takes off her red shoes and her red mao­ picture off the bing-shiang. She whispers to it, "Ai­ Zou i zou: take a walk, literally "walk a walk." tze and lies on the couch to rest. ren, wo i dian pah." Instead of coming home directly from the post Yeng-jlng: eyes. She is not crying, she tells Xin: heart. She sleeps with the picture in her office as she usually does, today she decides to herself, but as she lies on the couch, tears fill her hands, close to her, close to her xin. ZOU i ZOU. yeng-jlng. /Jtj l;t4re 64/Jte R,e"" #I 8j -ct..,Jr• 8r~w,

EVERYBODY TALKS OF THE CAGED UNLESS IF SHE KNEW THAT'S SAW BEAUTY BIRD WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR I READ TO STAY ALIVE THE CAGED BIRD THIS THE CAGED IN THAT CASE IT WOULD BE I WROTE TO LIVE THAT IT WAS DRY AND GOLDIE DIED WHAT'S ACTUALLY BEING CAGED LIKE A FAKED ORGASM AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT SOUL, SPIRIT, MIND, SELF, HEART GOLDIE DOESEN'T KNOW REAL NOW I'M FIGHTING THIS BATTLE ALL OF THESE FOR ME AND ONE LOVE WITHIN ME MORE WELL I TAKE THAT BACK TO KEEP GOLDIE WHEN SHE I HAVE A WHOLE PERSON CAGED SHE'S ONLY LOVE ONE AND THAT NEEDS TO BE IN ME ONE IS ME BUT I MISS HER SO MUCH AND IT'S HER NAME IS GOLDIE ONCE THAT WORD COMES FROM HARD TO SEE I HAD HER BY MY SIDE YOUR MOUTH SOMETIMES I WANT TO TALK TO ALL MY LIFE AND MORE SHE HURTS YOU MORE HER I EVEN BELIEVE AND I DID NOTHING TO STOP HER BUT I KNOW THAT CAN'T BE SHE WAS IN THE WOMB WITH ME I WASN'T HURTING I WASN'T EVEN I DROP TO MY KNEES AND PRAY PROTECTING ME LIVING LORD PLEASE HELP ME MAKING SURE MY SCARS WENT DEEPER THAN BUT DO I REALLY WANT HER I GOLDIE TO LEAVE COMPLETELY WOULD COME OUT OK SHE WAS LIKE THE BANDAGE NO GOLDIE IS THE PRETTIEST CRE­ THAT MADE EVERYTHING FEEL THAT'S WHY IT'S A POWER STRUG­ TURE BETTER GLE YOU WOULD EVER SEE WITHOUT GOLDIE I FELT LIKE I I GO TO SCHOOL AND NO ONE AND SHE WAS DEADLY WAS SEES ME ONE LOOK AND WALKING AROUND NAKED IT'S GOLDIE THEY SEE SHE HAD YOU DOING EVERYTHING WITH MY WOUNDS EXPOSED TO I TALK TO THEM AND SAY SHE'S SHE WANTED YOU TO THE WORLD GONE AWAY AND THE CRAZY THING IS THAT SO I CHOOSE NOT TO SAY A WORD RIGHT THEN I'M INVISIBLE AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN CON­ BECAUSE AGAIN I WASN'T HURT­ GOLDIE IS INSIDE OF ME SAYING TROL ING I TOLD YOU SEE OF YOU IF I DID TAKE CHARGE ALL THEY WANT IS ME BUT IT WAS ALL GOLDIE GUIDING SHE WOULD COME OUT AND TAKE I TRY NOT TO LISTEN AND GO ON YOU OVER MY WAY YOU WOULD GIVE HER ANYTHING HELL BUT I CAN'T HELP TO HEAR WHAT PLEASE TAKE THESE WORDS I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I TWAS TO BE SHE HAS TO SAY AND BELIEVE ME ME IT'S LIKE THE SONG THAT TINA I KNOW I WAS THERE WHO I BE MARIE MADE I STAYED BACK AND WATCHED WHEN I LOOK IN THAT MIRROR HAVE YOU CAKE AND EAT IT TOO SHE CAME OUT WHEN I WAS WEAK WHO BE THAT PERSON LOOKING I WANT TO BE ME AND STILL HAVE AND I LET HER TAKE CHARGE BACK AT ME GOLDIE IF YOU TRIED TO HURT ME GOLDIE NOT ONLY WALKED INTO A HOW DO YOU KILL SOMEONE SO IT WAS YOU THAT WAS HURT ROOM CLOSE TO YOU INSTEAD SHE WAS THE ROOM WHEN SHE WAS THERE BEFORE I BUT HOW WAS IT SHE CAME TO BE I STARTED WANTING TO COME CAME TO BE I LAID IN MY BED ONE NIGHT FROM THE BACK OF THE CLASS TO WHEN SHE PROTECTED ME AND I HAD A VISIT THE FRONT OR DID SHE FROM A FAMILY FRIEND AND GOLDIE WASN'T HAVING THAT SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT SHE TOO AND GOLDIE GOT MAD I HAD TO SIT BACK AND STUDY EXPLOITED ME . THE SEED HE TOOK FROM ME THE MIND OF GOLDIE EVEN WITH ALL OF THAT THE SEED HE TOOK FROM ME WHICH ISN'T ON ANY PAGE YOU I STILL LOVE OR SO THAT SEED WAS PLANTED SEE BUT I KNOW THAT SHE HAS TO GO AND BLOSSOM INTO IT'S WAS HARDER I WILL KEEP WRITING TO LIVE THIS BEAUTIFUL FLOWER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND LIVE TO WRITE NAMED GOLDIE YOU SEE SHE'S BEEN IN ME SINCE AND HOPELY STOP FIGHTING THIS BUTT NAKED ON THE DANCE ME BATTLE WITHIN ME FLOOR . I STOPPED DANCING. I STOPPED MAYBE ONE DAY GOLDIE WILL SHE ENTERTAINED THE MASSES GOING OUT . JUST GO TO SLEEP ALL THEY WANTED WAS I WOULD SIT IN A ROOM AND READ AND LET ME BREATHE ON MY OWN A PIECE OF HER PRETTY ASS THEN YEAH I NOW THAT'S TOO MUCH BUT THEY COULDN'T PAY THE I ALLOWED JESUS TO TALK TO ME LIKE RIGHT PRICE GOLDIE STARTED TO FADE AND I SO I WILL JUST HAVE TO CONTINUE CAUSE ALL SHE WANTED WAS CAME TO LIFE TO FIGHT THIER LIFE BUT WHAT DID LIFE HAVE IN WHICH IS THE BIGGEST ONE OF I ONCE AGAIN SET BACK AND STORE FOR ME MY LIFE WATCHED. I BECAME STRONGER AND GOLDIE IT'S ACTUALLY FOR MY LIFE TO BE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT WEAK ME THEY WERE DOING BY LOVING I WAS IN CHARGE OF ME TO BE THE ME WITHOUT GOLDIE HER WHEN I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR QUESTION THE THING IS THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW LONGER DID I SEE WHO DO YOU THINK JUST WROTE LOVE BACK THIS UGLY THING LOOKING BACK THIS PIECE THAT WORD WOULDN'T ATME GOLDIE OR ME COME FROM HER MOUTH I LOOKED IN THE M!RROR AND fJ11e l;ttJre Ct.a11ce 8j 14-.tJ:a 16/er

I need just one chance rub your anointed hand All I need is one more chance to make things right to mend my broken parts Glance on my surroundings I struggle in this plight your love is the art a world scared of diversity but now my sight I push this cart Comradity has no means to me has been cleared of urban decay this is going to be the death of me and fear and do relays to win the race Please bless what is left of me is merely not an option but place last Turning the vellum pages Concoctions have been made this wrong cast has been placed on hoping the words will become conta­ even deals to pay me gious but I lay here on my knees and in the end all I can ask thee Wishing I'd wisen with aging to plead is for one more chance Maintaining but losing me with rosery beads My bible is a bit dusty Please Lord forgive me and thinking but always in my heart Give me one more chance of all my insincere deeds trust me Give me helping hands and I ask for one more chance It must be Land on our Earth to enhance the better half of me the life and show me what life is really worth So I can be, someone you can be, I know I'll be here twice over Release this evil curse proud of lower my head Help me believe again here my love kneel by the bed Please, give me one more chance. rt.~Jst /)4js Bj ~•Fr? Lady used to hook her head in my elbows desk, smelling of sweat and powder, dried spit The rope swing was Aaron's. when she wanted a hug. We'd walk the streets cracking both comers of his mouth. "The rope swing's mine," he'd say, clutching where old ladies with canes sat inside their win­ "You're going to teach Mlcahael to read," Ms. his chest from asthma - three inhalers in the dows, guarding themselves from the world. Jordan told me. Being seven, I felt ready. pockets of his jeans. His brother, Johnny played Together, strolling the curved roads, her leash Smelling Michael, I was not. piano - most afternoons the lessons drifted out rubbed against my hands, tight, sweaty, and red. Everyday was tough. Throwing tantrums like the windows and Into our arms. We'd catch quar­ "Nice day," the neighbors would say, eyeing he did, Silting in comers, stealing my lunch when ter notes, half notes, measures and concerts. Lady as if she might jump from my hands and rip I went to the bathroom. Swinging on the rope, that knot hard and dirty at their legs and knees. We'd walk the valley, cut­ "Bad boy," I'd whisper and subtly, when the between my legs. Even then, I knew Aaron had ting through freshly mowed lawns and weedy teacher was at the blackboard, he'd flip up one trouble breathing around girls. When I kissed him ones. Occasionally, I'd take fistfuls of honey­ ashy, middle finger, mumbling "tuck you," down under the purple awning, he ran away from me, suckle, anticipating the baked chicken, green his shirtsleeves. climbing up the stairs to his back door. beans and stuffing dinner would bring. Back in In spring, class was hot. We'd write out our In his absence, I'd sit on the swing, getting our yard, Lady would lick my palms as I watched words - cat and dog and sheep and goat, with the higher than the metal fence, the pine trees, the caterpillars dance on the thm, wispy branches of broken pencils and cracked fans. I was just sunshine. Resting my fantasies on that rope, I'd our willow tree. If I ever climbed it, she'd wait beginning to teach Michael to pronounce vowels. wait patiently for Aaron's return. patiently below, her brown mouth pulled back in a "A," say "A," I'd mouth. Michael would flick "I got string cheese," he'd say, coming back smile. his gray tongue out at me and I'd reach beneath with loads of snacks In his arms - as if hunger Two days later, she died under a pick-up our desks, crushing his hand in mine. had made him run away, not fear. truck. Chasmg the red back-end, boys with shot­ "Say A," I'd whisper, until he would, until his "Thanks, Aaron," I'd say, dismounting the guns looking to hunt deer. dry fingers bent backwards, until tears filled those knot that made my shorts damp, my hands red. "Lady,· I whispered as her snout lunged for bloodshot black eyes. "How about a kiss?" their tires. One paw. then the other. Like that. "I'm tellin'," he'd threaten, when I pinched I'd eat pounds of string cheese those days. Her scream was a split belly, a squashed heart, a those fingers so hard he'd suck the tips of them, Animal crackers, fruit roll-ups, and candy bars. road-rashed tail. I ran after the truck. Nobody nursing them like a child. But the whole year he Aaron, scared by the prospects, would always ~topped to help her. never told and I never stopped working on the drop the food, leaving it still wrapped in the dirt, vowels. Because those were the small sounds of still cool and sweet and beautiful - running away Michael was bused in from New York. He promise, the ones I hoped would take him some­ from me, back to the net of his house, to the safe­ didn't have a father or siblings, and his mother where else, beyond the classroom, beyond mem- ty of the shade, back to team the art of breathing. was hatf a person really. Just anger and oiled up ?ry. hair and scars from men. Michael sat next to my

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Do You See Me? Can someone see me now? and the fake hair and, sadly, without the friends­ Good, 'cause once upon a time I never saw myself. they couldn't understand that to love me I had The only things I saw were expectations of me- to remember the black that the present forgot, my mother wanted me to be a lady i.e. a little white girl the centuries of native that we ditched when with lots of knowledge we thought that maybe we would have a chance to be about the wrong things. She couldn't see free, that ingenuity will get you killed and just did not see that free meant dead and forgotten. I couldn't see me 'cause I was crossin9. Like a dog in search of a bone I dug it up with piercings, my legs too tight. For a while I couldn t nappy hair and no clothes haunting see me 'cause when I looked in the mirror the image worshippers with my impropriety but my skin was so light and red and my hair so straight that realizing that my irreverence for the institution I could pretend and did was what you needed to see, what I needed to see to pretend that I wasn't part of my race and all know that my was gravy 'cause maybe Amy was really my friend name was not Jones, but neither was it Adams. and not just using me to flout daddy's authority. For 'bout a year or two I definitely couldn't Do you see me? Can someone see me now? see me 'cause they was trying to mold me Don't look if you're afraid 'cause what I'm bringing ain't into an image of an oppression that I didn't belong for the faint of heart or the weak of resolution. What I'm to. Got to college and got a clue that all that bringing is the love, peace, joy, and happiness of setf-rev­ previous shit wam't mine. baggage did not belong elation to me. One day I saw me, dug me. and ran to lop off my or the bitter death reserved for the provincial. hair. Stand up when I call your name or perish with the rest cut out that perm-chemical worm infesting me with My time has come. so be prepared. a matrix of information I had digested about my setf-worth. I saw me as beautiful without the makeup

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His love is destroyed by his beliefs. words. Their names cover the ground in the Shooting at the world for his advance­ For their power diminishes in the same way that their victim's blood did ment. shadow of an automatic killer. the night before. The applause cuts through the air as Their voices then are echoed through­ These are the things making him a the hero is destroyed by all who view out streets in every town. legend. with closed eyes. Their faces make them icons for the In the end, this certifies the belief in They dare not face him with fists or morning papers. the man, the gun, and the myth.

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We would sit at Hanny's the corner of Broad and Dodge •Jack and Diane" Monday thru Sunday the same booth smoking section You would cheer me up Sunday nights with a six pack of Smimoff sharing packs of Camels Ice buying 90 cent cups of coffee and searching for that one quarter or a pencil drawn rendition of Yoke and John, hands stroking that would buy time on the jukebox playing Billy Joel's breasts "Piano Man" I haven't written a letter dear Troy Or what about skipping sixth hour for over two months Applications of Botany I haven't accepted your shaved head driving your 1989 teal Ford Pickup the MK-40 you hold in your right hand I'm wearing your sunglasses, Troy and the local radio station plays rt.e hr51J~, Alever .Sees rt.e t;f.e-.tJr,-.1 Wall

Daddy look it's a parade! Daddy looked nervously at the stop light watched the scene of madness but couldn't com­ Not a parade Jena, no not a parade as he was waited for it to change. He wanted to prehend. He imagined Jena shriek in terror, as he Then what Daddy, what? walk across the street and away from the most held her limp fonm in his arms. A protest Jena, a war protest condense part of the crowd. Jena watched the Daddy look it's a monster! What's a protest Daddy? crowd trying to make sense of them as they grew Yes Jena, yes it's a monster Oh I don't know Jena, I don't know ever louder. But who is the Monster daddy, who? Daddy holds Jena's little hand tightly as Daddy these are protesters? Us or them Jena, it's us or them he guides her down the street and away from the Yes Jena, Yes they are Well is it us or them Daddy? increasing population of protesters. Jena watches Why do they yell daddy, why? Oh Jena I don't know, I just don't know ... the people as she passes by with shinning awe They believe in something Jena, they Daddy's face was alabaster when the filled eyes, unable to comprehend the world believe ambulance workers took his little girl out of arms; around her. At this moment her eyes clearly What do they believe in Daddy? he did not hear their words, nor the chants of the betray her innocence. Peace Jena, they believe in peace protesters gathering once again on the other side Daddy can we stay here with all the happy peo­ They were about to cross the street when of the square, he thought about the papers and ple? the sirens screeched and the lights of police cars what Jena would say. They aren't happy Jena, no honey they filled the street before them. Daddy pulled Jena Look Daddy it's my picture! aren't happy back from the curb. Tears of fear welled up in Yes Jena it's your picture Jena. Then what are they daddy, what? Jena's eyes. What's it say Daddy, what? They are angry Jena, they are sad Daddy should I be scared? The headline says "Daddy says why Why are they sad daddy? I don't know Jena, I just don't know Jena?" Oh I don't know Jena, I don't know Why are the police her Daddy, why? What's it about Daddy? Jena's eyes gloss over empathetically as To keep things here in order Jena, to It's about innocent victims, it's about y u she watched the people on the street, feeling sad keep things in order Jena. and angry for them. Daddy looked down at his lit­ What's order Daddy? tle daughter and into her big glossy blue eyes and A good way to behave Jena, a good way he wondered what the future would bring for her. to behave What would happen as she grew older in a coun­ It was then that the shots sounded, and try at war? at first Daddy couldn't tell if it was the police or the Daddy look that man has a cape! protesters. He threw his body against his little girl Not a cape Jena, no not a cape and wrapped his anms around her. There was a Then what daddy, what? popping noise and a zing in the air, but with all of It's a flag Jena, it's the flag the screaming his senses felt numb. Blood Why is he wearing it like that Daddy? smeared down the front of her and him, and He's a protester Jena, that's what they Daddy knew he had been too late. The protesters do. ran in all directions. Daddy fell to his knees and a cento In subway stations and latrines You never come when you say you'll If Kenneth were writing this he would come but on the other hand you do I'm having a rea l day of it point out how art has changed come Washing the world down with rye and Coca-Cola and the news I am a microcosm in your macrocosm I think you are wonderful Eating Swiss chocolates afterwards You are as intimate as a "cup" of I'm smoking a Camel now vodka

You came swiftly and longingly into my keep a secret? a bottomless house house The frog in your throat concealed what or one so bountiful as to hide the and went to my room and ripped off you voiced secrets the bed sheets. as your opinion. Then you said I was in the crevices of your body in a voice You swore I had another in there, a beautiful so tinny that it gets muffled by the secret and that you were sorry you wrecked sheets? in my room which I hid to conceal the my house beauty and you'd buy me new white cotton I clasped the burning white cotton of myself. Why would you think that sheets sheets odd? to match my white cotton panties, between my praying hands. My voice Then I stumbled into your arms, my though how odd was beautiful voice while I sang. Then I lost as my voice is it to wear those to bed. You're odd cracked. Your hand on my throat felt thick with the sounds of the tremors of in your boxers that hide the secret odd, your voice of your manhood between the silk as if you wanted to close off the secret that resonated in my full but emotion­ sheets that I kept hidden in my sheets, my less house. you favor. I grew up and pit my voice house. I felt your finger trace down the oddity against my inner emotions, stolen of my once broken nose that I blotted from the house You finally gave voice to why you felt with the sheets so that they were lost - no more so odd to me. and they burned burgundy while hid­ beauty. Because your white cotton sheets ing my beauty weren't beautiful enough that disappeared. How I got broken is I managed to change what I imagined to tie in my secret house whose doors a secret. as beautiful were open to you. as I pushed you aside. It's quite odd Maybe I could share, but can you how we have learned so much. Is this rt.e h-rs-1-1 /) SectJI!IJS {).f rt.e.L.s-1-1 /) SecjjJtJs tJI f.ve"j-/-1.,;,5

Second one: leg outstretched in front of her like a dancer. The that I'm standing. Somehow the car has popped We're in the front yard. It's one of those greeting blades of grass reach up to her. I know it's just the Molly up off the ground and she's sideways card days when the sun is orange and hugs your breeze that makes them stand, but I like to think and I shift forward and start to run. My sunglass­ skin as you recline in a lawn chair and breathe they're impatiently waiting for her to arrive. es slip down on my nose and Molly does a spin in deep through your nose. My daughter in front of Second five: the air like a Frisbee as the tires skid. me. She's crouched down to a squat, inspecting Of course there's a car. It is every mother's night­ Second nine: a blade of grass closely. Her pink shirt and shorts mare that there's a car. It rounds the corner fast She's always been graceful, but not now. a shade darker behind the lenses of my sun­ enough that the body shifts on its wheels. I· yell Sometimes I catch her humming to herself in her glasses. Her profile is one of deep concentration, Molly's name now, just like she does, too high, too room and twirling herself around until she's dizzy. bottom lip bit and everything. loud. Her pale, bare foot lands and takes off Holding her hands above her head and lightly Second two: again. stretching her neck. Pointing her toes, almost Molly's head snaps to her right suddenly to look Second six: floating. I don't know who taught her these across the street. I can feel my skin browning, I can almost hear Molly's foot sizzle as the soft things. She spins in the air again and begins to and I shake one of the swimsuit straps off my sole presses against the scorching blacktop off drop and it's not at all like a Frisbee or like any­ shoulder. the curb. · thing except like a body. I'm running with my arms Second three: Second seven: out as if I'll catch her. She yells "Mommy!" though she could be yelling There's a dog strolling through the yard across Second ten: "Molly!" Lately she loves saying her own name. the street. I can see it as I sit up and take a breath Too many sounds happen at once. Molly slaps When she walks info)I room, she screams her to scream my daughter's name again. The reclin­ the street. The dog lifts its head and won't stop name with those tiny lungs in a screeching falset­ ing chair beneath my squeaks. Molly loves dogs, barking. The tires that were skidding to a halt are to, announcing her presence to the world. She loves the way they nuzzle their face into her neck. skidding new now, tearing up the street to race screams something now, delight in her voice, and She pets them with both hands, gentle like she is away. And there's a sound coming from my throat I cock my chin up slightly. with dolls. Like I am with her. And then the white that I've never heard, that I never want to Second four: car blocks the dog from view. hear again. Molly stands and leaps forward in one fluid Second eight: motion. The way only children can move. Her thin There's a delirious thunk when they meet. I find Pep 1i11:

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I rock fellas like Rocafella on virtue of not knowing he's still a slave cuz they see. the story I'm yellin'-let me tell you label own you lock, stock, and barrel I find no royalty to stand by my side about glory, not gold down your golden throaght. yall run and hide so I write to breed and unmask the lies hidden behind Got a little carol for you-hahaha revolution-to flush you out, to make the Benz and the glitterin' bootyz. they're killin' you softly, stealthily tak­ you mad to make you see that the I may seem loony because I don't see ing you out using the methods of media brainwash we participate in is Black like that, so I don't see you uncle sam str8 brainwashing you into like the weed we bleed 'cause we cuz I'm a queen and you're a dream­ believing that that wack form of Black swear that that shit's staying true to A mirage of cars and honeys chasin' hustlers and gold diggers is the truth. ourselves like we swear rappers and money. But the reality is so much simpler than pro bailers ain't some white man's You playin' god hiding behind your the way they been pimpin' ya-the hoe-9otta get the dough, gotta get fears and insecurities. I'm here to be shit's played out. the cars, can't stand the truth. your savior. No doubt from the 50's to 2003 we We been getting rimmed for centuries You'll be consuming my flavor-revolu­ been struggling for change but the with no lube and the blood shed won't tion's juicy and everybody wants a foot is still in our ass. stop there 'cause our pride is long piece of the reign I will claim over Our face is pressed against the glass. gone so I will be steady rockin' you 'til future nations. Royalty's bred in gen­ Change don't come from the gold you're burnin' up, sweating and sick to erations. I'm searching for kings and pieces we count in our sleep like they your stomach, so sick that you will queens by my side not a nigga wit a were delectable sheep, manna from ram your fist out of the belly of the ride thinkin' he done won the man's god-our daily sustenance. avaricious whale to stand with pride game cuz he got a little dough and a You like why all the fussin' bitch. I'm again. little fame rude, I'm mad, and I'm tired of what I Now that's what I am talking about.

Makisha prepared sandwiches while her hus­ 'Be-Bop' for short, liked any kind of cold cuts as "Trevor replied, "That's good. Thanks, girl." band and his friends initiated another round of long as there was white American cheese and Makisha waited for a time; she wasn't really rowdy cheering from the living room. Pre-mar­ mayonnaise; Trevor, nicknamed 'Ratman,' pre­ sure what she was waiting for. When the game riage Makisha would go to go to church on ferred thin turkey slices with Swiss cheese, pep­ came back on, the men all resumed placating Sundays and listen to the Good and Righteous pers and mayonnaise; and finally Lemar, who the their electronic deity, and Makisha felt forgotten in Brother J. J. Redbone, Ill. Lemar, her newlywed guys referred to as 'L-Train,' liked corn beef & every sense of the word. She entered her bed­ husband of barely a year, had attended service mustard on wheat. Makisha positioned the sand­ room, closed the door and dumped herself onto with her a few times; but for the past few months, wiches on the saucers like diamonds then she the bed while fighting back a tear. She felt like a every Sunday had become Super Sports Sunday, neatly sliced them from the top corner to the bot­ complete idiot, having called the men by the and post-marriage Makisha couldn't seem to fath­ tom, cutting the diamond shapes into two trian­ sacred, private names they called each other. om where she fit in anymore. She found herself gles. More importantly, she felt alone. constantly reminded that there were parts of She carried the sandwiches into the living There was a knock at the bedroom door. Lemar's worlp that wo4ld probably never include room and noticed that Lemar's favorite beer com­ Before Makisha could do anything, Lemar walked her. But wasn't that okay? After all, she wasn't mercial was on, the one with the two girls mud in, closed the door behind him, then scooped his his Siamese twin; but sometimes she felt so wrestling. Fortunately for Makisha, their cable TV wife up into his arms and cradled her lovingly. estranged that her husband and his friends may subscription hadn't kicked in yet, so the contro­ When he finally placed her feet back on the floor, as well have been aliens chortling over their plans versial advertisement aired sans the racy ending. she caught him grinning and glowing heartily, like for world domination. While the men clowned and cracked 'yo mamma' the proud father of a newborn. When Lemar was with the guys, he smiled jokes on each other, Makisha set down the sand­ "Hey, what's with all this?" she asked. more, talked more, and even seemed to have a wiches and thought about just leaving, but Lemar "To thank you. The love you show me makes better sense of humor. When Makisha and wasn't noticing her, and she wanted him to notice me a giant among men. The way you put up with Lemar were alone, he was kind, generous and her ... So she used the privileged information at my boys and whatnot, you're the sweetest thing in sentimental, but he took things more seriously her disposal. my life, girl, and I knew that long before we and tended to react with a moderate sense of ·so what's up wit' my boo and his peeps? jumped the broom, you feel me?" urgency. He watched what he said and always Everything cool?" she asked. After drawing their Makisha cried, her joy overflowing. Lemar seemed to say the perfect thing at the perfect attention, she spoke to each one individually; she added, "Let's do something ·together next moment. With the guys, Lemar spoke more freely faced her husband first. "How you feeling, L­ Saturday and Sunday." and unrehearsed, more relaxed. Train? Comfy in that chair? Need another pillow?" Makisha couldn't believe what she was hear­ Makisha retrieved the mayonnaise and mus­ Lemar looked stunned for a second, then he ing. "What about next week's game?" she asked. tard jars, all the while remembering when she quickly retorted, "No, I'm fine, baby." "One of the guys will tape it for me: used to tell her girlfriends, I'll never be any man's Makisha turned to Cyrus. ·can you get your Just then, Ratman shouted from the living maid. But this was the only way she could think eats on with that, Cy? Want me to stack another room, "L-Train! These boyz clownin' in here, dog!" of to contribute, in some way, to the bliss that layer on there?" Man and Wife looked into each other's eyes Lemar experienced on Sports Sundays. Cyrus shook his head. "This is fine." and simultaneously burst into laughter. "You bet­ There was another outburst of cheerful row­ She addressed Nartholemeu: "Be-Bop, I ter go," Makisha giggled. She kissed her sweet diness from the living room, which meant some­ hooked you up with some hot head-cheese this husband's cheek then watched him exit and one had scored another touchdown. Makisha time." rejoin his friends, knowing now that he'd only be had learned Lemar's friends through repetition, He replied, "That's cool, Makisha." with them for a short while. so she custom-made their sandwiches according­ Finally, she addressed Trevor: "Don't forget ly: Cyrus, or 'Cy' as they called him, liked liver­ your pop, Ratman. I just took it out of the freez­ wurst on plain white bread; Bartholemeu, called er, so it should be cold and slushy by now."

Tumultuous, temptuous, delicious zoned her scent walks in the door The connection of emerald and sap- though labored lungs struggle to pull before her presence wafts in. phire . breath before deep desire decreases enormous eyes effectively applied life. She flounces her rampant curls to their purpose of catching him. over her smooth shoulder, succulent They move together, two mates too in scarlet strapless silk. She traces tips throuiJh hair- aroused his thick and shiny, hiding an eye to notice the other onlookers; Rambunctious without being ridiculed, as he brings his hard hands up. dancing, darting, drinking in lust- belle of the ball she isn't; lascivious love looks - lasts. yet he sees her beauty a-plenty. Embracing, emboldened, love embla- /4.a,ipvla-h~,

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"Cash rules everything around me, CREAM book knowledge. helping her to complete assign­ gold-digging, prostituting behavior. get the money, dollar-dollar bills yall." ments on time, and her world knowledge shared. Angel held the stigma of the not so inde­ At fifteen years of age, Wu Tang 's hip-hop Eventually, Angel was ruling the world of a pendent slut. Her brazen attitude did not disguise mantra was running through my head because small college town with her large tits and big hips her misappropriation of people's time and atten­ my new best friend put it there. I met her at the through stripping; I was off earning two degrees. tion. I loved my friend, but I felt that my time and beginning of high school, in my formative years. We had lost touch with each other when she was intellect were too precious to waste embroiled in My mother had sheltered me, keeping me close kicked out of our all girl school. She sought me foolish battles and chasing trifling dreams. My to home, and there were many things that I did out after four years to renew our relationship. I good feelings for Angel evaporated as quickly as not know about people. was soon driving from Champaign , ll. every the money she collected daily. I finally withdrew Angel helped me to explore life on new terms. weekend to learn everything that I didn't know from Angel when I accepted that, with my increas­ I hung out after school, hopping in strange men's about big cities and the people who lived there. I ingly negative thoughts about her ways. I could cars and heading up to the South side's traveled to bars with her and watched as men not consider myself her friend. Evergreen Plaza (affectionately called Eva Black) paid for her time and attention; I waited patiently. When Angel and I became friends she would hoping to be noticed by grown men. We walked I considered for a long time that this was not prompt me to sing Wu Tang's song while musing from store to store in uniform skirts strategically the nature of friendship. I believed that friends that she had taught me everything that I needed rolled up almost to our butts pretending to be went to the movies, art galleries, and planned big to know about life-she had. I realized years later grown, but everyone looking saw young successes with one another. Angel was slowly that cash ruled everything around her, all the hoochies. losing my allegiance while collecting her cash. time. I learned that she had never been the type Our relationship with one another was pre­ I got an education so that I could make some­ of friend that I imagined she could be and I could carious at best. She taught me the things that thing of myself. I did not intend to be a prostitute never be the friend she deserved if I could not casually floated past my na'ive mind. I watched or a stripper, nor considered one. But truly, as my participate in life in a similar manner to her. Life is her disobey her parents and sneak around having mother always said, there is guilt by association. not about give and take, but about mutual respect sex with boys-attempting to rule the world with I could not hide my derision of Angel's life nor and enjoyment of things on all levels. bravado. This prevented her from completing her could others. Her boyfriend complained about schoolwork. Our friendship was sustained by my her and assumed that I was guilty of the same

I have a simple, short story to tell. In little time, without a single groan, A man was pushing a stone up a hill. The pusher continued to grunt and They moved up the hill that heavy Someone passed by and shook his groan stone. head. As he tried to move the heavy stone. Inside a hole where the stone had laid ?How silly,? he thought and continued Many people came and many went. Were stones of sapphire, gold and on ahead. Soon the day was nearly spent. jade.

Another man stopped and watched a A man came by in a hurry to get home ?Go ahead and take your pleasure. while. When he saw the man pushing the From my hidden, buried treasure,? ?You?re not getting far!? he yelled stone. Said the man to the one who had with a smile. Without a thought or the slightest yell, come to his aid. He too left and continued on his merry He put his shoulder to the stone as ?You?re worthy of my sapphire, gold way. well. and jade.? He had other things to accomplish that day.

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They stared as she walk!!d in, dim. "Why was she here?" I thought. At this woman of renowned sin. Upon his head your hands do lay. "Certainly not of the Lord to be What was she doing here? Go now, be on your way." taught." They watched as she drew to him But, Ananias was full of trepidation. I imagined her bad reputation near. He knew of this man Saul and his rep­ And how she fell into grave tempta­ Didn't he know her reputation? utation. tion. She was a known woman of tempta­ Saul killed the saints without hesita­ How was I to know it was rape tion. tion. And with her life she did barely She poured on him perfume and oil. How could he be called to restoration? escape. With her own tears, she cleaned his "Surely not him, oh Lord God." She came here to erase the guilt and feet of soil. Ananias said. blame. Surely not her, oh Lord, they thought, "Through him many to my way will be Yet, alii did was mock and put to For she was a woman they sold and led. shame. bought. His sins are forg iven now," the Lord Surely not her, Lord, was my grave "Your sins are forgiven," he said, said. mistake. "And no longer along this wrong path "No more upon this path will he ev'r Why in her need did I forsake? tread." tread." Forgive of me this sin, I plea, Help me not to judge people so "Go to meet Saul," the Lord had said When she walked in, how I forgot this wrongly! to him, all: "Restore sight to the eyes that I made The stories of Mary and Paul.

We as men run to those things we should run Before I met your mother I was with this answers to the questions I had. It was the bible from, and run from those things we should run to. woman that wanted to give me the world . She did and on the first page I started my joumey, "In the I never knew which way I was running , until I anything for me and I loved her so. Because of beginning God created the heavens and the reached my destination. This day the sun didn't her I started pimping. She got the girls, and I earth." I read until my eyes were tired. I would want to let the moon shine on us. It was 9pm and made them women. We traveled all over the sleep and get up and start again. It took me three the sun should have been winking good-bye for country and we were it, but we were it together. I months to finish it and once I was done I read it the night, but that was not the case. We didn't needed her and she needed me. Men used to again and again and again. . complain, because we were children and that come up to me and asked me, "How can I be like And in that book I realized that, where I am is meant we could stay out longer. you. I want to be a true player." where I should be. God created man in his own I was as fine as could be and the other men I would tell them, I can't teach you how to be image, so I am apart of God. God is love, so I am and women alike hated that about me. They something that you are not. I can only tell you love; God is peace, so I have peace. Everything wanted what I had, and that which I had was not that life is good and if you find the right women, it that I am, I am because of God. He was with me much, but they wanted it still. You never know to will just come to you. A player is not what he when I was doing wrong, trying to lead me to what powers you possess until, they possess you has, but who he is. But my woman took sick and right, but it was me that didn't want to be right. I and by then it is too late. I too felt her pain. I gave up my life to take care didn't believe that God loved me, but God is love, As J grew into a man, I wanted those things of her and when she died apart of me went with and his love has always been with me. The rea­ that men had money, a car, and a good woman. her. I grew tired and there was no life in me, or at son I'm telling you this is because I don't want to The money and woman would come later, but I least that is what I thought. you miss your blessing, I want you to be blessed, had the flyass ride. It was souped up and had all I was walking and came up to a rose garden for God is your blessing. the latest shit. I had to have the dice hanging and once I bent down to take in the beauty of this I thought I was missing out on something, but from the rearview mirror, with blue fur around the flower, it was nothing but weeds. I couldn't see I wasn't missing out on anything. I thought I had stirring wheel. The seats were white leather with past the weeds. I would adjust my eyes, because everything, but I had nothing, because I didn't blue pimp stripes to match the car of course. I I know I saw roses. The more I focused the more have the man above in my life. Now I found my almost forgot to mention that it was a convertible, the weeds grew. I sat there in this pile of weeds way and I have a good life. I don't have any which made the honeys go wild. I had gansta and smelt roses, so I picked them up to take in regrets because I had to go through the storm to white walls tires and the sounds. It had the latest the smell. I had on a black suit and it was cov­ see the light. Now, what you have to do is find 8 track system. The other cats still had only a ered with dirt. I must have looked a mess; I know you own way and from the looks of it, you have a radio. I felt that way. Then I met your mother. long way to go. I do believe that they made that song about She was nothing, like I have known before. I I will give you this book that saved my life and me and my ride. "Diamonds in the back, sun roof can tell you this, she was an angel sent from when you are ready open it and you will find all of top, digging in the scene with the gansta lean, above to show me the way, the right way. She the answers to your own questions, as I did. I woo woo. Now you might not have a great big wore a pink petty coat dress that had two red won't tell you when and where to open it, you Cadillac, gansta white walls, TV antenna in the roses sowed into it. I can honestly say that it was have to figure that out on your own, but I will tell back, you may not have a car at all, but remem­ her that I smelled. It was in her, I saw the man I you that once you do, you will never be the same. ber brothas and sistas, you can still stand tall." could be. So it's up to you. It's time for me to go now I have But I had all that, I was how you say today, the I was still pretty down and she gave me a a sermon to preach and know that I love you for shit and I made everybody smell it. book and told me, that in this book I will find all the all you are now, and all you will become.

Today would have been the best day This is not a withdrawal from alcohol And for once in my life of my life But a dismissal from my surroundings I need no outside influence If I would have stayed in bed As these days grow older I can stay focused on my own Only then would I have felt like some­ There is nothing left to distract me body I move towards something else Therefore, once again I say Or at least a little less dead Or could it be someone else This is not a withdrawal from alcohol The weekends speed up my aging Tearing me apart from myself But a dismissal from my As one minute steals three days My heart need not bleed surroundings From my hands, I feel nothing For those who feed, And my eyes seem a little dazed Off my weaknesses and insecurities I had my daughter when I was twenty-four what's in store for her and she's in know rush to "I was late picking Moonie up from the sitter, years old by a man sixteen years my senior. Our get there. I sat there with my mouth opened. because I couldn't get my car door to close. I daughter was an angel sent from heaven and I Just then my girlfriend came up to me and when called Shay and told her I would be late and she will never forget the day this was proven to me. I turned away this woman was gone. said its ok that Moonie was on her way to the Her father and I separated a year after she I told my girlfriend what just happened and candy store. As Moonie was walking down the was born and we remained close for the sake of she didn't believe me. Hell I didn't believe me stairs to the store a car came by shooting out the our daughter. Both of us wanted to be important until years later. When everything that woman window. Moonie was hit in the abdomen and parts of her life, so we decided to raise her told me came to light. I was living in that's alii know right now. The police were here together yet separately. Waukegan Illinois and I had just come in from questioning me and Shay and they want to talk As my daughter grew, I noticed certain work when I received a call that changed my life. to Moonie to see if she remembers anything." I things about her. She was a very slow child, not My sister called and the first thing I noticed cried more and Lawrence held me tighter. slow as in brain slow, but slow as in slow. She was the nervousness in her voice when she said, She came out of surgery and we were wait­ would take forever to do anything. I started call­ "are you sitting down" I said, "no" she told me to ing for her in her room. When she came in she ing her "my old lady." She reminded me of sit down, she had something to tell me. The first had a tube going through her nose down her someone's grandmother. thing that came to mind was my father some­ throat. She had two IV's one in both arms. She One night after I was released from the hos­ thing had happened to my father. I told her to tell was sleep and even though she had all those pital my girlfriends wanted to take me out. I had me I didn't want to sit down. things going in and coming out of her body she been in the hospital for three weeks and they "Chan, Moonie was shof my body felt like was a perfect angel. wanted to celebrate and all I wanted to do was that famous slow motion scene in the Matrix. My Her being shot was headline news. While I lie down and rest. They were going on and on legs gave out in slow motion it felt like an eterni­ was outside talking to a reporter a lady came up that I should go out. I was tired and resisted until ty to fall on my knees to the floor. I gave out this to me. She asked me was I the mother of the I just couldn't convince them otherwise so I went scream that shook the hous~ and every one in it. gunshot victim. I told her that I was and she put out. "No, no, no, not my baby. She's protected by an her arms around me and started crying. I The club was packed. It was an old ware­ old lady, not my baby." I keep screaming until my thought that something happened to my baby house that was transformed into a club. The friend took the phone from me. My sister spoke while I was outside so I tried to break free of this ceilings were fifty feet high with expose brick to her and as they were talking I headed for the woman when she grabbed me. "I'm sorry I did­ walls. There were about twenty barstool high door. n't mean to scare you, your dau~hter is ok it's tables with four bar stools at each table. On one My friend grabbed me and said that I wasn't just that she is a very special girl. I stood there wall there was a bar as long as the club. It seat- able to drive. We walked to the car and the waiting for her finish her thought. "When your ed forty people along the bar. . world was in this same crazy slow motion. I daughter came into the operating room she When we entered the smoked filled club, wanted to run, but my feet could barely walk. I looked at us and said, what do you want me to the old school hit "smoking on the piece pipe" took giant steps, but made baby steps and all I do. The doctor couldn't believe what he was was pumping through the speakers and the club was thinking about was that conversation in the hearing. He said, is this my gunshot victim and was alive with energy. You could feel the vibra­ bar that night. Maybe I was drinking something your daughter said yes what do you want me to tions of the music from your feet to your head. other than cranberry juice when she told me my do. He said nothing sweetie. I told her that she As soon as we entered, my friends couldn't baby knew what was in store for her. Maybe that would become sleepy in a moment and once the resist the urge to dance. All I wanted to do was night was something that I made up in my mind. anesthetic was injected she started waving go home, but it was to late. I knew it was going All I knew was that my baby needed me and I good-bye until she was sleep." to be an all nighter. I headed straight for the bar couldn't get there fast enough. Usually it takes By this time I was crying, the reporter that and ordered a cranberry juice. As I sat there about 45 minutes to get to Chicago, but I swear was eavesdropping was crying and the lady that drinking I wondered why in the hell did I once to you that it felt more like hours. was telling me this story was crying. She told me again allow my friends to guilt trip me into com­ You could see people in their cars singing that I had a very special little girl. Now you must ing out when this woman approached me. and laughing and I sat stiff as a board. My friend know that my daughter was five years old at the She was a very attractive woman 5'7 about was talking to me but for the life of me I can't time she was shot. 1501bs or less. She was light skinned with sandy remember one word of that conversation. I I went up to her room and gave her the gen­ brown hair. She looked as though she was couldn't hear anything, but the sound of my baby tlest hug and I started crying again. This child mixed with something other than black. She calling me. I started seeing a movie of her life started rubbing my back and said, "It's going to wore these goofy cat eyed glasses. They took flash before my eyes. Everything from her suck­ be ok mom. I'm going to be ok." I looked at her so much away from her beautiful face. ing on my breast, to drinking out of a bottle, to and said, "I know." I never knew her name, but I will always drinking out of a cup all played in my mind. I My child was out of the hospital and walking remember what she told me. She came up to remember her first words, which were, "I'm hun­ in five days. That is the best recovery for anyone me and said, "I don't like what your thinking." I gry." When she started talking I was so excited shot in his or her abdomen especially for a child. gave her a look as if to say I'm not in the mood since she didn't say·her first words until she was The nurse and the·doctors where glad to see her to be bothered tonight I don't care how good you 19 months. leave and sad at the same time. She touched all look. We finally made it to the hospital and I of there hearts. She went on to say "Why do you let them jumped out of the car before it came to a com­ That was the last day that I worried about my guilt trip you all the time." I couldn't believe my plete stop. It was like a scene in the movies. Me daughter. I remember each and everyday that ears. "Who are you?" I replied. "I came to tell running in the hospital shouting at the nurse she has the spirit of an old woman in her and if you that you won't be happy until you leave your behind the desk "Where is my daughter! She you talk to her you would believe this to be true. girlfriend. She doesn't love you. The only rea­ was shoot!" Lawrence her father heard scream­ I know that conversation I had with that woman son why you are still together is because of her ing and came over to comfort me. "Chan she's was real and true. insecurities." Ok now I'm pissed off. How do she ok. I was with her in the ambulance and she was My daughter is still inspiring all that she know what's going on with my girlfriend and me. comforting me." comes in contact with. She's now ten years old At the same time I knew that I wasn't happy I couldn't believe what he was saying how going on sixty-five. The most recent advice she and I did want out, but how could this complete could she comfort him when she was shot. gave was to my son. He was being superstitious stranger know this as well. I started to listen and "Chan we were in the ambulance and I was cry­ about something and my daughter said, ·Jeremy we talked for what seemed like hours. She then ing and she said, 'don't cry daddy I'm ok' I looked there is know such thing as bad luck." My son hit a cord when she talked about my daughter. at her and couldn't make another tear fall. She said, "There was." My daughter gave him this She told me that I call my daughter an old grabbed my hand and started singing." I didn't look and said, "Not if you believe in God." He woman. I said, "she is an old woman because I understand what he was saying to me. We sat looked at her and knew she was right and gave had her by a old man." there holding each other waiting for her to come the typical big brother answer "Shut up talking to This woman went on to say that an old out of surgery. It was like we had never broken me Moonie." I just sat back and said to myself woman reincarnated herself into my daughter. up. damn. That's some of the things you can expect The fact that I had her by an old man has noth­ "I still need to know what happened." coming from my old lady's mouth. She's a little ing to do with my daughter. She told me that my Lawrence took a deep breath and told me what girl with old lady wisdom. daughter moves slowly because she knows happened. Wt.e, •"" ""'; 8j ~.r,-. klsl.cl.tl'l~4

We yielded to temptation Not gently, nor kindly An intricate web of a life A John Waterhouse inspiration Constrict me and bind me What a way to envision this, this ... What I was chasing after Just find me, please find me The ocean hereafter Tonight or tomorrow I see now, at last Protect me, isolate me But not before, before ... You have lost your way Do what you will We shall rule the world But leave my head empty Perhaps an illusion We will rue the day Oh him until, until. .. Maybe my heart Know that I will not go An endless intrusion Don't say that cannot stay Still no one to guide me Yet we're miles apart No, I'll find a new life To stay with me, hide me Always confusion Today ... yes, today Only rules to divide me Decisions, division While my child was being born But the mountain held me in fear I reached the mountain peak all alone I arose early in the mom' And I couldn't see nor could I hear. And the emptiness chilled me to the And rushed to be on my way. bone. I didn't even pause to pray. Climbing the mountain was such a My wife and all my children cried. rush. My friends looked away and sighed. A mountain laid before me. I didn't notice thistles and thorns in the I had to climb it. It just had to be. brush. I had achieved wealth and success, A friend asked to come along, A few scratches didn't seem to matter But my life had been a pitiful mess. But I refused for I was strong. tome. It was all nothing but a pile of dung, I couldn't feel how it was poisoning Because of the relationships I had My wife waved good bye in tears. me. shunned. Said she hadn't seen me in years.

8(1-., (), rt.e Ilea,/ 87 ~ LtJ-/-ts-1-tJ

He starts a band . Calls it Bump on the Head Keeps playing though and the singer keeps so cold their because he likes the way that sounds, and there's singing swatting the hair fingertips itch. Outside the house where they a guy at school who said the name was the dripping stinging his eyes. And this just practice in practiced until today. bomb when he told the guy. On the stairs as the a bedroom not Breath fogging in clouds hiding their faces making voices echoed like they something real. it easier to say they do off all that linoleum. The drums hit your chest like someone is want out. Four different reasons fogging the air Bump on the Head is crazy feedback like it's inside trying to pound and when they listen to 1991 and the Brits are buying guitar pedals and the hard way out on the flat plate of your sternum the radio now they don't even think about it at all pressing them at random and one time Derek and the cymbals not really. who plays bass makes his own nose bleed the headaches that shimmer out so quick. vibration is so jarring. Bump on the Head breaks up on a day that's

(For Allen Ginsberg) against while 50% begets time of Chechnya/ crowd the streets Russia Iran-Contra begets running in terror time of fear factory CNN bruised by robotic militia citizens armed to Blown down by cops billy club the teeth preventing the whistles bombs shocks and rubber apocalypse of imaginary a million Jehovas bullets phantoms VX screams wailed down in Vieques and disillusioned the streets I nominate a black Taoist president! voters

crooked Chicago II We live in profane times cops making a M. Donohue sandwich human I read an article meat behind bars by M. Donohue When we stub our toes waving imaginary We scream phone calls said profanity dumbs down writing pointed Ill while the celebrities to Dickens and Melville sit on their hands and Shakespeare Lao Tzu said and the yack and terror of talking Left out Miller and Those who see through the heads the military Ginsberg and Burroughs fear will always be safe hijacking the airwaves naked documentists We are not pirouetting he also said weeping in the pressroom on our toes anymore that tti~world is chaos The perpetuation The romantics are dead of the dead hours and the dead days We live in profane times the violent schmuck of reality faking Time of electroshock and boom of orgasms atom bomb begets time of 70% for war 20% Vietnam and death lottery • Corrupt they call us damned by doubt. rest like Charlie "Lucky" Luciano, things then tries to get away. For they do not know us the honored Carlo Gambino, and all the rest. are about. We honored are family men by tradi­ Let your hound dog Rico sniff and tion I say, but the government and Criminals they call us and murders search us out, but we are not hiding their dog Rico would rather take our too, but we call each other by brother, the honored are about. livelihood and put us away. friend, and we like to hang in a crew. This thing of theirs I said it be true, but Open up your pigeon coops and let it is the government who is the 90. Businessmen I tell you; legit all the rats run free, but as soon as I Caliber Pezzonovante amongst you. through, but the feds would rather plead the frfth it has to be devastating label us racketeers in a Mafia stew. tome: The honored shall strive to live as dose any other man, even though the Label me an entrepreneur who took Politicians are the worse out of the Senate, Judicial, and Executive fami­ the risk ands made money off this. whole federal crop of course. lies will try to deal us a bad hand. They would condemn us honored as Sure we honored as you would like to though we had no souls then turn Cast light unto us Honored and we call us love to dress, but would we not around and make toxic landfills until it shall not run for if we do we will cer- be men if we didn't have clothes to gat old. tainly lose the inevitable qwon. impress. Now tell me who is evil I say? Don Vincent La'Tanglia Turn the perceptions of those put to It is not the honored that does these

It would not have come to this Could I remember such details But in the end, there is always this: Had I watched you carefully As the color of your eyes Had I held on any tighter Or been less susceptible to boredom Or maybe remove my senses I would have been torn apart

Was J in tune with my senses So that I would not have to notice And let myself understand The absence of you standing there The unfolding events Had I done or said something

She had him to herself Every day For a moment, she thinks So she tries again Week, month But today, tomorrow His face breaks up into smaller bits They turn into one another She has to start all over again Distorted It confuses her sometimes But always there Still trying to fall asleep Her life, his life And control her dreams Making up stories The last time she saw him, oh God Endlessly picking up pieces Maybe he never was That endless cycle again They fall apart at the touch of her fin­ Or might be forever Shut up, it didn't mean a thing gers Or has no place in her heart really

WHEN I TOUCH YOUR HANDS ARE NOT NEAR. I DON'T KNOW QUITE WELL HOW THE TOUCH OF YOUR HANDS JUST AS LONG AS I KNOW YOU TO DESCRIBE IT BRING A RUSH THROUGH MY ARE NEXT TO ME, IT BRINGS AN INNER PEACE BODY IT CALMS MY SPIRIT, MY HEART AN INNER PEACE THAT ONLY YOU YOUR PRESENCE - EVEN THOUGH MY ENTIRE SELF AS A PERSON GIVE ME IT IS SILENCE, .. THOUGH I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I FILLS ME MORE THAN WHEN YOU FEEL tee,.,e br6vpte 8j Je,"j .Se4j

Tracy just knew that she was born to be a and pulling out a magazine. cousin Jeremy got her backstage for the Masters groupie. Tracy's nose wrinkled as Leela plopped of Metal Jamboree, she could finally satisfy the "It's my destiny," she boasted to her friends. Masters of Metal between them, flipping the rumbling she'd been feeling in her loins. No more They were sitting in the corner booth at their local pages with black-tipped fingers. She stopped on Miss Goodie Goodie. No more looely Virgin McDonalds, sipping milkshakes and picking a portrait of GNR, pointing excitedly at Axl Rose's Queen. Leela and Gillian doubted her now, but toasty edges off the buns of their cheeseburgers. knuckles. "See!" Leela exclaimed, "they're red, she'd show them. When she strutted in with a . L~ela , Tracy's next-door neighbor, sat hip-to­ like he was punchin' somebody." fistful of Polaroids, all with her straddling the laps hlp w1th Tracy, gazing at the girl's stiff black hair Tracy eyeballed the photo, tracing her index of their favorite stars, stars that gave a big fat and sp1der eyes, wondering if her friend really finger over the left fist of her idol. "He's pissed !It thumbs-up to the camera, they would know she would get to love the blond-maned, high cheek­ everybody. Doesn't mean he hits girls." wasn't shittin. boned men they ogled in Hit Parader. Gillian scooped bits of bun into her burger They would recognize that Tracy's narrow Across the table, Leela's sister Gillan wrapper. The paper crinkled loudly as she thighs were destined to hug the hips of every lead scratched the back of her neck and twirled her bunched it up. "What if he does?" singer, bass player, and drummer who'd red ponytail. "Sebastian Bach is gay. And Axl is Tracy snatched the still-open magazine to her appeared on the Headbanger's Ball. And when married to that model chick. " chest. Gillian was such a fucking doomsayer. they did, Tracy planned to stick her middle finger Tracy snorted. "Doesn't matter if Axl is mar­ "Not me." Tracy declared. "I wouldn't do anything right against Gillian's pointy nose and say, "I told ried. He needs love on the road." She sent a to make him mad ." you so." ketchup packet whistling past Gillan's ear. It hit Leela bit her lip, hoping Tracy wouldn't wrin­ But until then, she'd have to settle for Axl the wall behind her and dropped on the seat. kle the paper. But Tracy was too busy brushing Rose in paper form. She hugged the magazine Gillian flung the packet back at Leela, whose the glossy portrait against her heart to notice . tighter, continuing to let him nestle his pale face cheeks sucked in as she slurped her shake. Sure, she'd never had a boyfriend before. Sure, and sweaty bandanna warm and snug against "Lee, that's annoying." the only kiss she'd shared was a spit-lipped peck her cleavage. He was welcome to stay there until Leela ignored her sister, and patted Tracy's with Roger Firnstein back in sixth grade. But she his red-knuckled rage, the violent temper Leela elbow. "But I heard he beats her." She bent her was a freshman in high school now. She was had tried to warn her about, was flushed clean head under the table, unzipping her backpack ready for real men. And next week, when her from his pores.

A-r11."' Fet~.-1-vreJ I, Sept11. 8j Al.-1-.lte Htll

The background inflamed blotches- She is in focus foreground sideways glancing spilled onto a freshly inked page­ wearing black blond eyebrows skin a napkin dispenser One skeletal braid a teeming corn snake reaching a clock for her clothed breasts that a fire-code compliant exit sign camber like picked apples a coffee maker with a full pot or unripe pomegranates dropped in a sheer plastic bag Cheese cake pumpkin pie confetti sprinkled angel food

8j Lee kt-l;ts

The city There's a· moving like hidden rhythm a million a granite here whispers and and steel an automobile bloodstream A little boom sceaaa of the roads glass the birds and sidewalks conduct veins people the hard pumping moan of and the moving to brick train takes a fleshy a solo beat the foot stompin' always movin' " I

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