A Silent Struggle to the Straight Path…

A Strategy for Success In Striving Against Same Sex Attraction to Reach Sirat-ul-Mustaqeem

Anonymous, 2011.

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.”

Al Quran; Surah Noor; Verse 30

CONTENTS

1.0 Introduction 5 1.1 How to Use this Book 7

2.0 Beginning of the Journey 8

3.0 Realisations 12 3.1 The blame game... why am I doing this? 14 3.2 Consider this... 15 3.3 What do you want from life? 16 3.3.1 Action point: Considering Outcomes 16

4.0 Diseased Hearts 20 4.1 Creating the Conditions For Treatments 21 4.1.1 Prerequisite 1: understand the mercy of Allah 22 4.1.2 Prerequisite 2: Taqwa 25 4.1.2.1 Action point 1 – Reflection On taqwa and Sin to 27 realise the effects of both 4.1.3 Prerequisite 3: tawbah (repentance) 29 4.1.3.1 Action point: Perform salaatul tawba- Prayer for repentance 31 4.1.3.2 Action- Screw it, I’m just going to do it! 32

5.0 Understanding Trials and Tribulations 33

6.0 The Treatment Of the heart 36 6.1 Treatment 1: Sorting out your Regime 38 6.1.1 Action point: reflecting on the days deeds 39 6.1.2 Action – Use your Anger 40 6.1.3 Action Point; Fast 40

6.2 Treatment 2: changing behaviors 41 6.2.1 Action Point – Deep clean 41 6.2.2 Dealing with masturbation 43 6.2.2.1 Action point: - prevention is better than cure.. 44 6.2.3 Action point – Override your patterns through tawbah 44 6.2.4 Action Point- Exercising Modesty 44 6.2.5 Action Point- Using Physical Reminders 45 6.2.6 Action Point – Cleanliness 45 6.2.7 Action point- Avert your gaze! 45 6.2.8 Action point- Change how you think about masturbation 46 6.2.9 Relating to yourself and Others 47 6.2.10 Action – Inventory Of Change 48 6.2.11 Action point- Two Word Wish. 49 6.2.13 Action point – Avert Your Gaze 2 49 6.2.14 Role model-ling 50 6.2.15 Action – Visualising a trait to inherit it 51

6.3 Treatment 3: Having a Deterrent: Using Negative Motivations 52 6.3.1 Action point: visit a grave yard on your own- become reflective and appreciative if death and how you use time. 52

6.3.2 Action- what will you be remembered for? 53 6.3.3 Action: Treat Same Sex Attraction as a sickness 54 6.3.4 Action- Appreciating the Veil Allah provides of our sin 55

7.0 Maintenance and aiming for perfection – Controlling the nafs 57 7.0.1 Action- dos and don’ts for maintenance 57 7.1 Allah Has Veiled your Sins 58 7.1.1 Action; Don’t Discuss your past or present sins 58 7.2 Striving for Mastery of Your Character through seeking perfection 59 7.2.1 Action – Affirmations 60 7.2.3 Dua vs Affirmations and Dua to Use against SSA 61

8.0 Trouble shooting – Drawbacks, Relapses and Traps of the nafs 62

9.0 Conclusion 64

Appendices

Appendix 1: Selected Duas, Durood and Zikr for the Repenter 67

Appendix 2: Best time for Dua, how to make Dua and Etiquettes of Dua and using the Ninety nine names of Allah in Dua 93

Appendix 3: Benefits of Surah Fatihah 101

Appendix 4: Benefits of Surah Yaa- Seen 103

Appendix 5: Islamic perspectives on Homosexuality 105

1.0 Introduction

As-salaamu-alaikum.

A silent struggle to the straight path is a journey to overcome the sin of same sex attraction. This journey is the struggle of a believer to attain the sirat ul mustaqeem – or the straight path, the right path, the path which leads to complete submission to the will of Allah, the path on which the believer will face all his tribulations and yet remain steadfast in Attaining the mercy and love of his creator. As such same sex attraction is a tribulation or trial, and if we have acted upon it then we have fallen to sin, may Allah forgive us this transgression. But despair is for those who do not seek a way out, we must not lose faith. Allah in his infinite mercy invites us to seek forgiveness and resume our journey on sirat ul mustaqeem, he promises us success; all we need to do is submit and trust in him..

The journey is outwardly a silent one, but inwardly the turmoil of the soul can only be heard by Allah and the one who is afflicted with the heavy burden of his sin. The salvation comes from seeking to re establish a relationship of obedience and trust with in Allah, a personal connection where you communicate directly with him and appreciate that he has veiled your sin.. Seemingly silent; we walk his path but a continuous dialogue of internal worship and repentance leads us to inner peace as we start to experience the beauty of our lord, and creator, the master of all, the most beneficent and most merciful. As we take the means to overcome this sin, he promises us a way out. Subhaanallah.

Welcome to this most beautiful of journeys, Insha’Allah you will benefit from learning how to take the first steps in the right direction to achieve success in this life and the next. Know that Allah has empowered you with the ability to make choices, all you have to do is make the right choices.. He does not burden a soul with more than that which it can handle, you are the one in control of your actions and you already have the strength to face whatever comes your way.. You can overcome this sickness, and achieve success.

This book is my contribution to those who are struggling with an age old evil, the sin of lust.. The sin of flesh.. The sin of unlawful sexual gratification. Insha’Allah I will provide some insight and guidance using myself as a case study; on how I am dealing with the urges to commit these sins and how I am dealing with the burden of having already committed these sins, in particular same sex attraction.

I was inspired to write this book as I scoured the internet for a means of finding a way to lead me out of the sin of same sex attraction, I found that although there are many articles, groups and discussion forums there were no Islamic resources which dealt solely with this sin. I found that there are many Christian sites and psychological sites which dealt with same sex attraction however none provided specific instruction on what to do, and those that claimed they could help often wanted payment for access to their materials. Even though I could have paid for them they still didn’t meet my criteria or fulfill my requirements for being based on the religion I follow; Islam.

So I took it upon myself to collate the fragments and snippets from various websites which provided an Islamic view on homosexuality and same sex attraction; most of these comprised of answers from scholars to other individuals who had posted questions with regards to this subject on discussion forums.

My search led me to the Islamic principles and scholarly writings with regards to the ‘nafs’ or ego, I then started learning about the affect of the nafs on the heart and how the heart as a ‘spiritual’ entity can become diseased.. I read books, articles, lecture transcripts and listened to audio lectures to piece together the tools and knowledge I required to find a path out of sin.

I am by no means a scholar, but researching in to scholarly works and principles of Islamic psychology I started to learn about Islamic theories of behavioral change. I focused on Islamic theories as western psychology seemed to limit itself when it came to this taboo subject of same sex attraction. The Islamic theories were deeply rooted in using logic and seeking motivation through the higher source; i.e. Allah. This instantly appealed to me, as it also provided explanations to the root of this sin. I quickly realised that the answer to my problem was all around me, I just had to apply it in to my own context.. Thus this book came in to being.

I took the Islamic ideas and principles I found and put them in to a logical order and started the journey of change. I wrote this book to put them in to context of dealing with same sex attraction in order to provide a more focused resource which will enable others to also leave this sin behind them.

I have provided my own suggestions, ideas, explanations and interpretations based on my own experiences of applying the methods contained herein, I have tried to stick to simple layman’s terms so that it can be accessible to all who are seeking a practical solution to overcoming same sex attraction.

I would like to thank all those authors and speakers whose materials I have used, unfortunately I cannot reference them as I didn’t make note of where certain tidbits of information came from.. May Allah bless them all.

This book is not reparative therapy or psychotherapy, it is a common sense approach based on self realisation, introspection and behavioral change through recognizing the beauty and mercy of Allah. It borrows from various sources to provide a strong and practical strategy to achieve success through imaan (belief in Allah)... It is the simplest, highest and most effective form of therapy Available.

I have not written this book for profit and do not want recognition for it, it is solely for the pleasure of Allah and the benefit of those looking for answers in their struggle against same sex attraction.

Take any part of this book whether in its entirety or sections and apply them to achieve positive change in your life. Please feel free to distribute it to anyone or anywhere, or upload to any site or forum where you feel others may benefit.

I ask of you for a small favor in return for this book; make dua for me, yourself and others, and if you feel you have learnt or benefited from this book, then please make the effort to find some way of sharing it. Please don’t attach your name to it or seek credit or payment for it, or pass it off as your own material, this book is solely for the benefit of others to help them in their own personal silent struggle.

May Allah bless us with his mercy and love, and make easy for us the journey we aspire to undertake, give us the success in this life and the hereafter and free us from the pain and hardships of his trials. May Allah subdue for us our nafs so that we may easily follow the path which he has prescribed. May he grant us Jannah, and a place close to him in the hereafter. May Allah accept this book as sadaqah from me and all those whose materials I have used, and all those who share this book with others.

Ameen.

1.1 How to Use this Book

The book must be read from beginning to end, avoid dipping in to sections, also when you reach an action point, carry out the action before progressing. The following information provides more detail on the structure and intended flow of the book;

Format and Flow of Chapters

The book has been broken down in to logical chapters designed to lead naturally from one section the next, so that understanding, knowledge and change is built within the reader as they progress through the book. As such the reader will see how the chapters interlink, therefore it is essential to read the book from the beginning and avoid dipping in to chapters randomly until you have completed the book.

As such the reader first learns to appreciate the responsibility of and root cause of the sin, then discovers and deals with the belief they hold in relation to the sin. After making these realisations; certain conditions are set and prerequisites are explored and explained. The book then moves on to treatment and maintenance.

Sub chapters

Each chapter has sub chapters and action points. The chapters discuss the main principles and the sub chapters provide further level of detail. Many bullet points have been used to provide short snappy explanations. The sub chapters then add yet another level of detail and discuss particular topics within the main principle of that chapter.

Action points

The action points are where the reader is asked to reflect, meditate or perform an exercise, take time to do these as you come to them, they may be visualization exercises. do not progress to the next chapter until that exercise is complete, if it is not an exercise then consider how you will apply the guidance and fit in to your regime before your proceed. Read the action points before you implement them. Do not over look the exercises they are key to the successful implementation of the principles within.

Appendices

The Appendices at the end contain further information, articles and lists of Duas and acts of worship which you can use. You can dip in to these at any time. In fact you may want to familliarise yourself with them before you read the book.

The duas appendix contains supplications and prayers for practical implementation, where you come across references to making dua in the book, consult this appendix to find short and powerful Duas which you can use, these are the same as I have used and are from authentic sources. Print this and keep it with you for reference when you need it. The reason for putting them in at the end and not including them in the text was to aid accessibility, as the reader has access to all the duas in one section to avoid searching through the text to find a particular supplication.

2.0 Beginning of the Journey

Bismillahirahmaaniraheem

The Beginning of my Journey..

It is the 10 th of a Ramadan, and I have chosen this year as a year of change, a step towards self development and change to pursue siratul mustaqeem, the path of Islam. I hope to help others in my position to leave behind same sex attraction and pursue the path of Allah in the natural law and order which he willed.

I am in my mid 20s, and was born to a Muslim family of Asian descent. I have lived my whole life in the UK, and had a balanced upbringing. We enjoyed a fun filled childhood, while also being taught the importance of culture, religion and education. I don’t come from a dysfunctional family by any means, and was given a good standard of Islamic education. The family has always been supportive and we have always been a strong tight knit family.

I hit puberty around 12/ 13 years of age, and it was around this time I discovered masturbation. With this discovery came sexual curiosity; which of course is normal. Those curiosities sometimes involved other guys; these weren’t sexual fantasies but questions and thoughts on whether my body was normal? Am I the only one going through these changes? How do other guys look? How big are they? Is my penis big enough? Puberty is a dangerous time due to these thoughts as it is an opportunity for shaitaan to exploit them.

Being the eldest son I grew up to be pretty independent, but there were times in my life I wished I had an older brother. When I was a teenager in school this was one of my main gripes with life, the fact that I didn’t have an older brother to aspire to. Growing up in quite a traditional family there were certain things I could not speak to my father. An older brother would have been ideal; a brother who was older, cool, popular, muscular, sophisticated and understanding. An older brother could have guided me, taken some of my responsibility of being the eldest, and taken off the pressure to be so independent. I used to miss having an older brother whenever I found myself in a fight or in some sort of trouble... in either case I survived, and was blessed with many good friends.

Growing up with quite strong Islamic values I avoided having sexually orientated conversations and instead researched on the internet, naturally I came across pornography and pictures of other men. I left school and went on to college I still didn’t consider myself to be attracted to other men, I wasn’t watching gay porn and didn’t have a problem with seeing other men in straight porn. It was around this time I acquired a webcam, suddenly I could compare and contrast my pieces to real guys and not rely on porn stars to measure up to... surely this was a good thing? Obviously not.

It wasn’t long before I was masturbating with other guys over cam although we were talking about straight sex and swapping straight porn websites, this became a regular occurrence, for about a year.

At the end of college, I moved away to university. Although I was masturbating regularly I stopped using the cam and didn’t feel the need to masturbate with other guys, I guess my curiosities about other guys and measuring up etc had been satisfied. I didn’t associate myself to being attracted to guys and enjoyed being attracted to girls, my involvement with guys on cam were just curiosities in my head.

I enjoyed university thoroughly with in my moral means and didn’t get involved with drink, drugs, sex etc. Instead I was actively involved with the Islamic society although I did grow a liking to clubbing and going out; my logic at the time was a dark room with loud music isn’t harmful as long as I’m not drinking and shagging everything that comes my way. Surprisingly I managed to stay away from having sex despite being away from home.

After graduating I moved back home. I started working and everything was going normal, a few years later I lost my father, and the weight of the whole world literally fell on my shoulders. After a year or so I fell out with one of my closest friends. I was well in my early twenties; but my teenage yearning for an older brother once again returned. Finding it hard to talk to anyone about fulfilling my new responsibilities just in case I gave the impression that I couldn’t cope, I felt alone and lost; I needed guidance and comfort; I needed a male influence in my life.

I kind of regressed to my old habits of masturbating online with other guys I guess it was a distraction and a form of escapism at the time. Then one day I stumbled upon an advert for an asian male looking for a friend, I then made the biggest mistake of my life and responded. I met this guy, he was 4 may be five years older than me, we chatted and hugged, before long things got a bit heated and we ended up naked and touching each other intimately. Confused and feeling guilty I went home. I remember feeling bad and guilty but not nearly as bad as I should have felt. I felt bad for not feeling bad! Since I used to masturbate with guys on cam having a guy do it for me didn’t seem like a big deal.

Pandora’s box was opened. Over the course of the coming year I met a couple of more guys on a casual basis they were all a couple of years older or younger in a similar position as me and curious. I never had full on sex but I guess I enjoyed teasing them and making them think I wanted more.

The feeling of appreciation I got when I was with another guy quickly became an addiction, knowing that a grown man that was attractive and handsome wanted me to dominate him and that he wanted to be almost feminine in my presence really turned me on. I realised that I didn’t just find them attractive but they also found me attractive- they found me attractive to the point that they wanted me inside them, I no longer needed the guidance and comfort- I was the source of comfort and gratification for others.. this blew my mind and ego out of control.

Even up till now I felt in control, to me it was still just casual mutual masturbation, I couldn’t care less if the other guy wanted a relationship or not as long we stayed within my boundaries it was ok- at the end of the day what he thinks about is his business. I met them once or twice before cutting contact with them.

Then one day I decided enough was enough, I am going to stop. I decided I should meet one more guy and that would be it. On hindsight I should never have even considered this. I arranged to meet another guy who I met on the internet. We had similar interests and came from the same ethnic background I figured if anything we’ll have a good conversation at the very least.

We met in a quiet part of town and sat in the car chatting, we discovered we had a lot in common, from upbringing, beliefs, values, lifestyle, education, and career etc, it felt like I’d known him my whole life. One thing led to another and we found ourselves on the back seat... this time it was different; the intimacy was of another level to what I’d experienced previously; the only analogy I can draw to describe it is we were like hungry animals satisfying an appetite.

Any way after doing what we did we parted our ways. With the intention we wouldn’t meet again. But after a silence of two weeks I received an email from him asking why I haven’t been in touch, if

I’m ok etc, I couldn’t resist but to call him, over the coming weeks we talked and texted every day, and got to know each other personally.

We would txt first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We became good friends as we learnt more and more about each other, we found more and more parallel interests and commonalities in our life, sometimes I t was like I was having a conversation with myself. We would discuss family, politics, career, aspirations, religion, music, girls, marriage, plans for the future etc etc etc... time would fly.

Occasionally a few steamy text messages would be exchanged, we decided to meet a second time, this time neither of us said much again the urges took over.

That night I felt really confused and guilty, slightly shocked at the strange connection I felt, and how our appetite for one another seemed insatiable. The sinful sights and memories were running through my mind.

I realised what I had done was wrong on so many levels. I figured I loved this guy not as a sexual object but as a person. He felt like one of my closest friends. All my friends are like family to me, and I felt guilty that I had just had sexual contact with him and that I wanted to do more- it was no longer just masturbation. It almost felt like I’d committed incest. I knew I could never see him again not just because of the feelings of guilt, but because deep down I knew the next time we wouldn’t be able to respect each other’s boundaries.

At this point I realised I had ruined an opportunity to make a lifelong friend. Had I met him under other circumstances we could have been a positive influence on each other, best of friends, potentially the brother id always wanted. I felt sick, I felt like I had lost someone very valuable from life. I felt like I was grieving. I realised I was playing a very dangerous game. .

I didn’t want to be gay; I didn’t want to have sex with a guy. It was strange it was almost like I didn’t want to have sex with him but I felt I should have sex with him to justify the love and admiration I felt for him. I guess I didn’t love anyone unless I had a reason to i.e. family, girlfriend, friends I had grown up with etc, but this guy I didn’t even know him for that long, I wasn’t in a relationship with him and he wasn’t a conventional friend, yet id grown to love him. I felt to justify my feelings for him was to have sexual contact with him.

I felt sick from my inside out that I even considered having penetrative sex with him, I felt disgusted with myself that I had ruined the opportunity of meeting him in other circumstances because I knew we could have been the best of friends only if it wasn’t tainted with the sins we had committed. Parting ways with him was one of the hardest decisions I had ever taken because part of me wanted to stay in touch and keep him as a friend, although I knew that because of the foundations of this friendship it would never last and it was doomed to fail.

With in the coming days I opened up to him and told him about my feelings, part of me wanted to scare him away by doing so. After a very emotional few days we ended this sinful connection between us now, because the nature of this friendship meant that one day or another we would have to part our ways as we are both at an age of marriage and being in contact with someone who knew this secret between us could prove dangerous in the future.

With the agreement that we must both return to Allah we said our goodbyes with hearts full of guilt, shame and regret, with the hope that we will one day meet again where we are unaware of our past together and build a lasting friendship. Knowing this was it, the conversation ended with the prayer

10 that the next contact we have will be when our shoulders will brush in prayer in a mosque, lest we know it or not.

Thus started my journey to overcome these feelings and repent.

May Allah forgive us both, accept our return to him, and make easy for us our journey on the straight path.

Ameen.

3.0 Realisations

Having made the mistakes and committing the sins I came to realise, that it’s better to not sin than to sin and realise the wrong within it.

Thinking back I always knew it was wrong, my heart told me that. But I was over ridden by lust and acted upon my carnal desires... I ignored my instinct. I ignored my heart.

They have hearts, but they understand not with them; they have eyes, but they see not with them; they have ears but they hear not with them…’(al-A'raf 7: 179)

Allah says in the Quran ‘they have hearts and cannot think/ understand with them’, astagfirullah how unfortunate am I that I have heart that tried to guide me and yet I chose not to see. Allah has instilled within us a conscience and intuition which he meant for our guidance, how unfortunate was I that I chose to ignore this.

The heart has been scientifically proven to contain neurons, and can think for its self, it controls itself... it starts to form and beat in the womb before the brain comes in to existence, severing the heart from the brain doesn’t stop it beating. Subhaanallah! If only I realised the divine wisdom of this ayah before I chose to ignore my hearts cry to save me.

The heart that thinks is in harmony with the path of Allah, surely he instilled an innate sense of right and wrong with in us.

Think... before you desensitised your heart and pursued your desire for same sex attraction, were you really comfortable with it? Or did you choose to ignore it and carry on nonetheless?

• Realisation 1: I realised my heart was corrupted; I had numbed the ability to think with my heart.

The root of evil in this dunya is Iblees and his shayateen, they whisper to our nafs, our nafs resides in the heart... the nafs is weak and susceptible to the whispers by its nature.

The heart may guide you, but the nafs will argue against it. In western psychology the nafs can be described as the ego/ inner voice. Although the initial whisper is from shaytaan, it is the nafs which acts on it, it is you who commits the sin, and it is you who is accountable for it. Why? Because the nafs is in your control.

• Realisation 2: The nafs is weak and gives in to suggestions of shaitaan, although we can feel right and wrong in our hearts, the nafs has the power to override this and make us sin... We have the power to control the nafs. We are responsible for it.

Never trust your nafs; it is weak, trusting the nafs causes diseases of the heart which make you pursue the worldly desires leading to sin. Trust your heart and instinct. Righteousness gives rest and peace to the heart.

These diseases of the heart are not physical, they are spiritual. The weak nafs makes you give in to sexual desires, the desire to harm others, the desire to be selfish and heedless, and the desire to disobey Allah. Listen to your heart it has the potential to guide you. The more you listen to your heart and use it to guide you to Allah, the cleaner it becomes, and it recovers.

• Realisation 3: Perfecting your character and following the deen, cleans your heart... it is possible to remove the blemishes of the sins you have committed. Insha'allah.

Nothing happens without the will of Allah; even the Same sex attraction is by the will of Allah... it is a tribulation and test. I realised that we are but mere possessions of Allah; we cannot question what he wills upon us, because he owns us. Instead we must endure it and persevere to follow the path which he has described, surely he has not forsaken us, but has given us the chance to seek him out and worship him; show him we are submitting to him through dua to remove this tribulation. Subhaanallah.

• Realisation 4: Nothing happens without the will of Allah, good or bad, there is blessing in it... if he has decided to test us and we should persevere not to stray. And if we have strayed and then realised we have wronged, we should see this as a warning, and return to him.

Ya Allah show mercy on me, make these tribulations easy for me, I have erred and stumbled at the first hurdle, but now I seek you, I seek your mercy I seek your forgiveness, I seek your love.

I realised I shouldn’t feel despair, I shouldn’t feel so ashamed of what I have done that I am too ashamed to face my lord. My lord already knows that I have sinned; by being ashamed to lift my hands in prayer to him I’ll achieve nothing... Allah is the most forgiving and merciful by being ashamed of my sin against him and thinking that he has forsaken me I will never be able to return to the right path... surely the shaitaan whispers this in my heart to keep me away from the righteous path.

• Realisation 5: Never despair, Allah’s gifts are everywhere, depend him, seek refuge in him. Whoever trusts in Allah whole Heartedly Allah will suffice for him. Whoever trusts in Allah, Allah will Answer him, Allah’s bounties know no limits ask him, ask him for more than you require. Allah already knows what you need, but the point of dua is to remember him.

The first step to change is to know the root of the problem and how it manifests. You must accept the following, no matter how hard it is for you to admit personal responsibility:

• You are responsible for your actions, sins and choices, you cannot blame shaitaan, and you cannot blame your creator.

• You are able to change, and it is your responsibility to make that change.

• Your nafs causes you to sin because it is weak, it desensitises your heart and makes it sick to the point that it fails to recognise good from bad.

• Your nafs must be controlled, so that the heart can recover; you do this by perfecting your character and strengthening your imaan.

• You must submit whole hearted to Allah, and understand that he is testing you, and you must pass this test... his test is a means to call you to him. It is a warning that you are straying, It is an invitation back towards him.

3.1 The blame game... why am I doing this?

Having realised the errors in my ways, I thought about what was motivating me to approach other men for sexual contact, why was I attracted to them in this way? Yes shaitaan had whispered to my nafs, and my nafs had acted against the rationalisations of my heart... but why, how did they justify this to me and rationalise this unacceptable behavior to me?

This question bugged me. What would I achieve by knowing this? I don’t know. Did it matter? Probably not. Would it change the fact that I felt deeply guilty and disgusted with myself? No. One thing it would achieve is the insight in to how Shaitaan or Iblees works his evil in to our hearts.

I guess some questions don’t need answers because, the answers wouldn’t change the reality, and you won’t gain anything from them... knowing the answer wouldn’t change the fact that I had sinned and I needed to repent. I have learnt that in order to repent and change I must firstly accept responsibility in my action, surely looking for answers to this question is potentially an effort of my nafs looking for something else or someone else to blame.

The realisations I made were personal and showed the flaws in my way of thinking. I went through a stage where I avoided mosques and praying purely because I felt so dirty, I didn’t feel I was good enough to enter... how small was my thinking; I failed to realise that my sins could replace the deepest oceans and the highest mountains and yet they would be negligibly small in comparison to the mercy of my lord. Subhaanallah.

Having evaluated my thinking and reframing my understanding of repentance and mercy, I felt I needed to know more about how I can recover from this sickness.

I knew that my nafs was weak, and I had to rise above it and re-educate myself to control it and mend my heart.

Thinking deeply on the subject of treatment I researched various methods for change, read and listened to lectures and came to realise that this sickness can be treated, because it is not normal and it is not what Allah intended when he created us.

My yearning for an older brother was me shying away from my responsibilities and looking for the easy way out. I should have been a stronger person. My image of a strong minded, handsome, muscular, supportive and masculine elder brother was in fact what I wanted to be as I was growing up. Those are some of the qualities which were common in the guys I met with or they were looking for someone with those qualities, I mistook my admiration for attraction. I didn’t want to be with them I wanted to be like them. Then the realisation came that I was that person in the eyes of those guys that I met... in some cases I felt I was doing my bit by letting other guys seek that comfort in me.

It is not wrong to admire another guy who embodies what you believe is the ideal image of who you wish you were or want to be, but it is wrong to confuse that admiration for sexual attraction and cross that boundary of brotherhood. You should be happy with yourself and not get so curious and besotted with another guy that you get obsessed about knowing, seeing and experiencing ‘everything’ about him.

Humans are sexual beings, you do not necessarily need to feel attraction to be aroused, all males know that an erection can be caused by anything... having an erection in the presence of another guy doesn’t make you gay or attracted to him, it just means you have an erection. In the same way if

you were sitting on a washing machine and you got aroused doesn’t mean you are attracted to the washing machine...

However acting on that erection with that guy or fantasising about him while masturbating (because you think oh I have an erection because of him I must masturbate now!) desensitises your ability to judge right and wrong, and you quite simply associate males with sex, and pleasure.. and the downward spiral begins. There is no need to act on every erection, and every erection is not caused due to attraction.

3.2 Consider this...

Is it possible to get an erection from just physical stimulation? Yes.

Imagine the most unattractive person you can think of who you would not consider having sexual relations with, this person physically stimulates you till you get an erection; does this mean you are now attracted to them? Of course not...

if they repeated this action several times would you become accustomed to being aroused in their presence? Of course you would.

If this person physically stimulated you several times till you felt pleasure would this person become a source of pleasure for you? Of course.

Say that unattractive person was a guy, the fact you did it with an unattractive guy would you do it with an attractive one? Of course you would.

Have you been desensitised to having sex with guys? Yes.

Did you programme yourself to be attracted to guys via masturbation? most likely. .

Is it possible that an initial confused erection led you to meet your first guy?

What would have happened if you never acted upon that first erection you got over another guy?

What would have happened if you acted on improving yourself to be more like the guys you admire, rather than to become so obsessed with certain qualities and confuse that for sexual attraction?

If you programmed yourself to be aroused sexually by certain stimulus (e.g. seeing certain types of guys/ body shapes/ body parts etc.) can you reverse that programming? YES OF COURSE YOU CAN. I CAN TOO.

Can you see how Shaitaan has rationalised the evil same sex attraction by taking advantage of your basic carnal desires? Your sexual desires are a gift from Allah, to allow you pleasure your lawful spouse while fulfilling his command to perpetuate and spread his message; through expanding his followers by reproducing with your spouse and bringing to this world pious children.

Iblees and his army have used this gift from Allah against you. It has been exploited to become a mere source of recreation rather than a source of reproduction.

3.3 What do you want from life?

I’ve always known what I want from life, and although I deviated in to same sex attraction, it was not something which sat comfortably with my ideas and aspirations for the future. It was a secret vice, a guilty pleasure which I knew was wrong. I knew it was wrong because I knew I couldn’t be open about it, I knew if this ever came out I’d be ruined.

For a few days of sexual gratification I could ruin my life and reputation... I could ruin my relationships with family and friends; I could ruin their reputation and bring disgrace upon all of us. Most importantly I knew that if it got out I’d be stuck with this sin and branded as ‘gay’ even though, I knew it isn’t a permanent life choice that I wanted.

I knew that if I was to pursue this sin, then one day I would have to make a choice... a choice between haraam and halaal, a choice between good and evil a choice between Allah and Sin... I knew it was Allah that I wanted... what would you choose?

I knew for the sake of myself, sanity and soul I would have to leave this sin, sexual gratification isn’t the only thing I wanted from life. I wanted to be married, have children and follow the deen. I wanted to one day have a family if my own, be successful in my career and travel. I wanted to be pious and follow the deen of Allah; I wanted to go to Hajj. Most of all I wanted to be at peace with myself and not have to carry the burden of this sin, I no longer wanted to live this double life and have this split personality; I no longer wanted to feel like a hypocrite. I wanted Allah in my life... I wanted to be free of sin, I wanted paradise in the hereafter, I wanted to turn back time and never enter this sin at all...

How I’d failed in this trial that Allah had set before me, all these things that I wanted I could have, but falling to this sin was taking me further and further away from them... more importantly I recognised it was taking me further and further away from Allah... I had to do this for the sake of Allah.

I could see my goals from life could not be achieved from this sin, and the only place this sin would lead to was a life of humiliation in this world and the hereafter, to eternal punishment hell.

I realised that my remorse is an indication that Allah had opened my eyes to the truth and was inviting me to Tawbah. Subhaanallah. I realised I was blessed as he had yet preserved my dignity by not letting me be exposed and found out for the sinner that I am. Alhamdulillah he is the most merciful.

3.3.1 Action point: Considering Outcomes

This is a three part exercise, go through each part consider the outcomes pursuing your sin or pursuing Allah in this life, and then make a focused and well informed decision on which outcome you would prefer for your life.

Read through the exercise before performing, make yourself comfortable in a place you know you will not be disturbed. It may be useful to record the questions and commands on to tape/ Dictaphone etc and leave a minute or two in between each statement/ instruction to allow you to reflect and visualise.

Considering outcomes part 1

1. Imagine you were free of same sex attraction; Make a list of the things you want from life, the things that you want from your deen, the things that you want in the Aakhirah, imagine the perfect life you would have following the path to Allah, see its beauty see everything you have achieved.

2. Close your eyes and travel out to the future, in 1 year’s time, how is your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? What do you look like? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

3. Take those feelings with you, Now travel out to 5 years time, how is your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

4. Take those feelings with you to 10 years time, how is your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

5. Take those feelings with you to 50 years time, how is your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

6. Take those feelings with you and imagine you have died, how was your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

7. How has Allah judged you?

8. Hold this feeling. And at its peak say clench your right fist and shout Alhamdulillah! Out loud! Open your fist.

9. Repeat 3 times

10. Clear your mind, clench your right fist and say Alhamdulillah to yourself, and notice how you feel those positive feelings come back to you, and flood your body. Whenever you feel the need to feel these feelings again or you need motivation, just clench your right fist say Alhamdulillah... Make dua for Allah to make you successful in every lawful desire you have.

Considering outcomes part 2

Close your eyes and imagine;

1. Now consider same sex attraction, what will you get from this if you keep pursuing it? What will you achieve in this life by having sex with men? Is this what you were created for? How do you feel that you have transgressed Allah’s will?

2. Close your eyes and travel out to the future, in 1 year’s time, how is your life? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? Step in to the picture and feel what you feel, see it through your own eyes; hear through your ears...

7. How has Allah judged you?

8. Hold this feeling. And at its peak say Astaghfirullah! Out loud! And clench your left fist tightly and release your fist.

9. 9 repeat 3 times.

10. Clear your mind, clench your left fist and say Astaghfirullah! to yourself, and notice how you feel those feelings come back to you, and flood your body. Whenever you feel the need to feel these feelings again or you need remind yourself of the outcome you do not want (i.e. when faced with the temptation to sin), just left fist and say Astaghfirullah! Make dua for Allah to protect you from the sin.

Considering outcomes part 3

1. Compare and contracts these two outcomes at least 10 times until you know which outcome you desire the most; ask yourself;

• Now consider the effects of the above outcomes that you wish for on family? Friends? Reputation?

• How does same sex attraction affect you achieving what you want from life?

• How does same sex attraction affect your personal relationships?

• How does it feel to be two different people at the same time? Do you enjoy being a hypocrite?

• Are your motivations for a stronger healthier future in the shade of Allah’s mercy weaker than your immediate needs for temporary sexual pleasure?

• Are your limited days in the dunya (world) more important than your outcome in the aakhirah (hereafter)?

• What have you decided?

4.0 Diseased Hearts

In order to cure your diseased heart you must first understand it. There are many books available on this written by very qualified scholars, I am by no means a scholar, and the following is my interpretation from lectures and discourses I have studied. I have likewise applied the theory to my own experience and situation in order to provide you with a more structured methodology to follow if you are using this book to apply change to yourself.

Brief theory:

There are three types of spiritual Heart;

1. The healthy heart- no spiritual disease, steadfast in the path of Allah, has the ability to distinguish right and wrong.

2. The DISEASED heart; doesn’t accept the reminders and guidance, has no consideration for others, has lost its ability to think. Feels remorse after committing sin but doesn’t have the strength to not act upon the suggestion to commit sin. The diseased heart can be treated and healed. The diseased heart can be lightly sick, or terminally sick, or stuck in between, waivering between the two extremes, i.e. only desensitised to some sins, or feels guilt and shame after committing the sin.

3. The dead heart, feels no shame, openly commits sins, and cannot recover.

..Which one do you possess?

I felt guilt and remorse and I am sure if you are reading this with a view to change then you do to, Alhamdulillah, there is still hope for us, and the nature of disease is that it can be cured. Allah has not sent down disease without a cure. Our diseased hearts can be cured insha'allah.

4.1 Creating the Conditions For Treatments

So the sickness is same sex attraction, rooted in the heart because the nafs has desensitised the heart to accept this as normal behavior. Your heart feels remorse when you are doing something wrong. You can only successfully treat the sickness by not just treating the symptoms, but by treating the root cause; i.e. perfecting your character and controlling the nafs.

To cure the heart it is first necessary to create the conditions for treatment;

• Understand that the sick heart can get better! However it is prone to relapse because the nafs is accustomed to enjoying disobedience- if you relapse it becomes harder to change.

• Don’t despair if you find yourself relapsing, be vigilant of the signs and remain strong and steadfast, the cure is not a miracle pill, but an iterative process... one step at a time, but always have the hope that if Allah wills he can remove this sickness in the blink of an eye, as he is capable of anything.

• Constant practice is needed to break an old habit and replace it with a new one, the nafs must be subdued and retrained.

To create a firm foundation for change the following prerequisites are required before indulging in the treatment strategies. They set you up to take maximum advantage of the treatments by ensuring that our beliefs and behaviors are congruent to the changes we wish to achieve.

Remember Allah Says in the Quran:

‘.. Fa Inna ma’ al usri Yusrah’ Indeed, following every difficulty there is ease… (94:5)

4.1.1 Prerequisite 1: understand the mercy of Allah

'When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, 'My Mercy overpowers My Anger.'

[Sahih Bukhari - Book: 54 narrated by Abu Hurraira, Hadith:416]

Subhaanallah.. ! do you now see the love Allah has for his creation? His love for you and me? Even though we transgress, he reminds us that his mercy is beyond our imagination.

Allah is the most Forgiving. There are many names of Allah given in the Qur’an. Some of these names are related to His mercy and forgiveness, this shows us the importance he gives to his forgiveness and mercy as he identifies those qualities to himself! Following are some of his beautiful names and characteristics;

• al-Ghafoor: The most Forgiving

This name occurs in the Qur’an more than seventy times. There are other names from the same root, such as Ghafir and Ghaffar. The meaning of the “ghafara” is to cover, to hide and from it comes the meaning “to excuse”, “to pardon”, “to remit” and “to forgive”. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala does all these things. In the Qur’an, it is mentioned that Allah does not forgive shirk (without repentance) but He may forgive every other sin for whomsoever He wills. (al-Nisa’ 4:116) We must turn to Allah to seek His forgiveness.

• al-’Afuw: This is another aspect of forgiveness

This name occurs in the Qur’an five times. Literally the word ‘Afw means “to release” “to heal”, “to restore”, “to remit”. Thus in relation to Allah it means “to release us from the burden of punishment due to our sins and mistakes”, “to restore our honor after we have dishonored ourselves by committing sins and making mistakes.” Sometimes in the Qur’an both names: ‘Afuw and Ghafoor come together.

• at-Tawwab: The Acceptor of repentance

This name of Allah is mentioned in the Qur’an about 11 times. Allah accepts the repentance of those who sincerely repent and turn to him. The word “tawwab” gives the sense of “oft- returning” which means that Allah again and again accepts the repentance. We make sins and mistakes then we repent, He accepts our repentance. Then again we commit sins and make mistakes and when we repent, He again very kindly accepts us and gives us another chance.

• al-Haleem: The Clement

This name is mentioned fifteen times in the Qur’an. This means that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is not quick to judgment. He gives time. He forebears and is patient to see His servant to return to Him.

• ar-Rahman and ar-Rahim: The most Merciful and Compassionate

These names are the most frequently mentioned in the Qur’an. Al-Rahman is mentioned 57 times and al-Raheem is mentioned 115 times. al-Rahman indicates that Allah’s mercy is abundant and plenty and al-Raheem indicates that this is always the case with Allah. He is full of love and mercy and He is ever Merciful

The Qur’an teaches that Allah is a Judge and He also punishes, but Allah is not bound to punish. The justice of Allah, according to Qur’an is that Allah does not and will not inflict undue punishment on any person. He will not ignore the good of any person. But if He wishes to forgive any sinner, He has full freedom to do that. His mercy is unlimited and His love is infinite.

There are many verses in the Qur’an and sayings of the Prophet -peace be upon him- on the love, mercy and forgiveness of Allah. In one of the prayers that the Prophet taught, he said, “O Allah, You are most Forgiving One, You love to forgive, so forgive me.” (Allahumma innaka afuwun tuhibbul afwa fa’fu anni).. . We need Allah’s mercy and forgiveness all the time. It is wrong to assume at any time that one will find eternal salvation without the forgiveness of Allah.

Remember you'll be judged on your Intention as well as your actions; you're a Muslim until your last breath. Shaitaan can come and put whispers into your heart and you could die in Kufr in your Last Breath even though you lived as a good Muslim. Therefore the intention is key, if you die in a state of obedience with the intention to repent then even if you have sinned then Allah’s mercy is upon you. And on the other hand if you led a pious life and before you died you died with the whisperings of shaytaan in your heart then may Allah protect you.

Life is not guaranteed and death can be seconds away – only Allah knows when death will strike; it is important you make the firm intention to repent this sin of same sex attraction now and strive to overcome it for the sake of your Creator, the sake of your destine, the sake of your soul and the sake of the hereafter (aakhirah). Know the mercy of Allah is such that the only sin which is not forgivable is the sin of Shirk (believing that god is not one), same sex attraction has not taken you out of the fold of Islam, it just means you have sinned and you must seek the forgiveness of Allah.

Remember what the Quran says ;

39:53 Say: “O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Insha'allah Allah will forgive all sins Big or small (sex before marriage, gambling, Killing, stealing not praying, …) but it is up to you to ask for this Mercy. Note: Allah says ‘I Don't get tired of forgiving you my slave, you get tired asking of my forgivingness.

You may be saying the following to yourself : I would like to repent, but what's the certainty that I'll be forgiven? I would like to change my ways but my mind is invaded by uncertainties. If I was to be sure of being forgiven surely I would repent. The Answer is, this thought is nothing new. They are a form of waswasa or whispering from the Shaytaan to make us doubt the mercy of Allah. Remind yourself:

'Do not despair of Allah's mercy.' " (Al-Zumar:53).

You may be thinking: I would like to repent, but I have such a huge collection, and such a wide variety of evil deeds in my account that I do not know if Allah will forgive me. This is a flawed way of thinking and goes against the nature of Allah.

Feeling that one's sins are too great to be forgiven by Allah stems from a number of factors:

• The absence of certain faith on the part of the slave in the vastness of Allah's mercy . • A lack of faith in the ability of Allah to forgive all sins . • Weakness in one aspect of the heart's action, namely hope. • Failure to understand the effect of repentance in wiping out sins.

Let me tell you in reply; consider the following divine words of our most merciful creator; without a doubt his divine promises to us- his creation- will not be broken;

"Tell them (O Muhammad ): 'O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah's mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).'" (Al-Zumar:53,54).

Allah Himself says: "My mercy has encompassed everything." (Al-A'raf:56)

The Prophet on whom be peace said: "Says Allah, 'He who knows (and believes) that I forgive all sins, then I do forgive all his sins, and do not care - so long as he does not suggest partners unto Me." And the rule will be applied (continues the Prophet ) in the Hereafter."

"Son of Adam! If your sins were to reach the limits of the sky, and then you seek My forgiveness, I shall forgive you, and I do not care. Son of Adam! If you will bring sins equal in volume to the earth and then you meet Me (on the day of Judgment) in the state that you would not have suggested partners unto Me, I shall give you in return forgiveness equal to the volume of the earth."

"He who repented is like him who has no sin on him."

Does the beauty of these words not bring a tear to your eye? Knowing that the sin we have committed of same sex attraction, its heavy burden on our heart and souls can be lifted? Ya Allah! Ya Allah! Ya Allah! We have transgressed your command and yet you show us a way out.. yet you remind of us our mercy, ya Allah you have given us the guidance now gives us the strength and imaan to leave behind this sin.

Never despair! Allah’s gifts are everywhere; depend on him and seek refuge in him constantly! Whoever trusts in him – he is enough for him. Allah answers all and removes all harm. Ask Allah and he will Answer you. Make dua. The point of dua is to remember Allah, Allah already knows what you need; he has given you the opportunity to call him- he will not deny you. Alhamdulillah.

4.1.2 Prerequisite 2: Taqwa

The second prerequisite to overcome same sex attraction is to have Taqwa. You understand the mercy of Allah but you must also understand the concept of taqwa. So what is taqwa? Taqwa means fear, clinging to obedience of Allah and abandoning disobedience to Him. It is the sum of all good, as it makes clear the path to Allah…

Allah is the most merciful, but we should not become arrogant and use this as an excuse to keep sinning and expect to be forgiven. We must acknowledge that we have sinned and we will be forgiven but we must also stop the disobedience and change.. why? Because the sole purpose of us being created was to submit to the will of Almighty God, Al maalik- the owner of all.

We must not forget that he is also the master of punishment, and punishment is for those who disobey. This does not mean we solely submit to Allah out of fear of punishment, but we submit to him for our love for him, and the fear that he does stops loving us and his abundant mercy is taken away from us.

Taqwa can be compared to walking through a narrow path with thorny bushes on both sides and a person passing through it tries his level best to save his clothes from being torn. The thorns are the sins and the clothes is one's imaan.

Linguistically Taqwa means forbearance, fear and abstinence, but in the Islamic terminology, Taqwa has a distinct meaning. Taqwa is a high state of heart, which keeps one conscious of Allah's presence and His Knowledge, and it motivates him to perform righteous deeds and avoid those, which are forbidden.

The essence of Taqwa is to make a shield (which guards) against Allah's anger and punishment. That shield is to obey His commandments and abstain from His punishment.

Allah says: "O you who believe! Have Taqwa of Allah, as you should have of Him and do not die except as Muslims." [Soorah aal-Imraan (3): 102]

You should know that people without taqwa will and do perish. They experience humiliation in this world and the hereafter. They are branded with corruption and self loathing, and are destined to die out of imaan. They willingly expose themselves to the wrath of Allah.

Is this the end you see for yourself? Does same sex attraction and willingly entertaining this sin make you a person who has taqwa? If you love Allah the why not obey him sincerely and prove it by your actions? Prove it by not showing outwardly you have taqwa and inwardly giving in to your carnal desires… don’t be hypocrite.

You must know and understand your lord through Taqwa-this has been described as waajib (essential) by some scholars.

Some of The benefits of taqwa are mentioned below;

1. Taqwa is a means by which a believer performs righteous deeds and Taqwa causes the righteous deed to be accepted by Allah. Allah directs him to righteous deeds, i.e. gives him a way out of sin; Allah says:

"O you who believe! Have Taqwa (fear) of Allah and always speak the truth. He will direct you to do righteous and correct actions and will forgive you your sins and whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has indeed attained a great achievement." [Soorah al- Ahzaab (33): 70]

and: "Verily Allah accepts only from those who are the muttaqoon (those who posses Taqwa)." [Soorah al-Maaidah (19): 71-72]

2. Taqwa makes one deserving of Allah's Pleasure and Love. Allah says:

"Verily, the most honorable of you in the Sight of Allah is that (believer) who has Taqwa." [Soorah al-Hujurat (49): 13]

and: "Whoever fulfills his pledge and has Taqwa of Allah much, then indeed, Allah loves those who are muttaqoon (those who posses Taqwa)." [Soorah Aal-Imraan (3): 76]

3. Taqwa causes sins to be forgiven and increases rewards.

Allah says: "And whoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him. He will remit his sins from him, and will enlarge his rewards." [Soorah at-Talaaq (65): 5]

3. Taqwa keeps one steadfast on the Straight Path and protects him from deviation.

Allah says: "O you who believe! Have Taqwa of Allah. He will give you a Furqaan (criterion to judge between right and wrong- a way out)." [Soorah al-Anfaal (8): 29] things which awaken taqwa, which you must instill within yourself, and way of thinking are as follows:

• Fear of punishment in the next life; • Fear [of punishment in] this life; • Hope of worldly reward; • Hope of the reward of the next world; • Fear of the reckoning; • Shyness and bashfulness before the gaze of Allah, and this is the station of fearful of his watchfulness; • Showing gratitude for His blessings by obeying Him; • Knowledge, because of His words, "They only fear Allah, of His slaves, the ones who have knowledge"; • Exalting and honouring His majesty

4.1.2.1 Action point 1 – Reflection On taqwa and Sin to realise the effects of both

Read the following visualisation exercises and run them through your mind, it is recommended to record the instructions with your voice making sure you leave a few minutes between each instruction to allow you to intensely visualise the commands... then find a quiet place and playback. Say Bismillah and begin.

• Close your eyes. Reflect on the ugliness of the sin of same sex attraction, avoid visualising the act of the sin, and instead concentrate on its effects.. how would it feel if your loved ones knew about this dirty secret? What are the effects of this sin? • If Allah wished to punish you for this sin in this life how would he punish you? If Allah wanted to punish you for this sin in the grave, how would it feel? See the sights, hear the sounds, feel the pain.. really feel it. make the images brighter, the sounds louder and feelings more intense.. is this what you want? • Can you imagine knowing that this is your fate? How does this feel? Is this what your creator intended? Spend a few minutes feeling how uncomfortable this feels.. • decide what it is you want.. do you want the consequences of same sex attraction? If Allah wanted to punish you for being gay in the hereafter, how would he punish you? See the sights, hear the sounds, feel the pain.. really feel it. make the images brighter, the sounds louder and feelings more intense Ponder this. • Now consider the mercy of your creator, see it, feel it, hear it fill your heart and mind with it... Ask yourself is the wrath of Allah what you want or his mercy? • When you have made a firm decision on what you want. Feel the strength of your intention, your firm resolve to change and the reasons you want to leave the sin behind you, magnify this determination, See the sights, hear the sounds, and feel the determination.. really feel it. make the images brighter, the sounds louder and feelings more intense, more intense than the previous images of the consequences of being gay... Bring this feeling of decisiveness and firm resolve with you and return to your consciousness let it pulsate through your body, every limb, hair, pore and cell. • Close your eyes, Imagine all this happening right here right now; Replay all of it in one Massive big movie of you and commit to fully feel the disgust and repulsion of your own Accountability in this sin and just notice how pathetic you participating in the whole sin really was at the time.

• Now replay it and intensify what you see, hear and feel, double it.. triple it, make the images larger and louder and more intense in your head. Crank it up until you are so Physically disgusted that you know congruently that this sin will never be your life again !

Take 5 minutes to relax and proceed to the next exercise..

• Reflect on taqwa; close your eyes and imagine how having taqwa can change your life, see the beauty of acting in taqwa in all aspects of life, do this in detail, see it, hear, feel it.. how does it look? How does it sound? How does it feel To know you are living in a state of obedience, how does the positive affect impact you and your life? • How does it impact your relationships? How light is your burden knowing that you have turned away from sin, and you have sought forgiveness? • How does it feel knowing that you are at one with the way your creator intended? Spend a few minutes basking in this new found feeling of peace and contentment, make the images brighter, the sounds louder and feelings more intense.. enjoy this feeling for as long as you wish. open your eyes and bring these feelings with you to the present to the here and now. Breathe.

• Close your eyes, Imagine all this happening right here right now; Replay all of it in one Massive big movie. and intensify what you see, hear and feel, double it.. triple it, make the images larger and louder and more intense in your head. Crank it up until you are so overwhelmed with the feeling that you know congruently that this can replace the sin and you can be forgiven!

How do you feel?.

Such reflections reduced me to tears. May Allah guide you.

4.1.3 Prerequisite 3: tawbah (repentance)

So far you have;

• You’ve Acknowledged the sin you have committed. • You’ve made the realisations about the nature of your sins, and how you should think of them . • You’ve considered the root causes of you sins. • You’ve made a decision on what you want from life and from being free of the sin of same sex attraction. • You’ve learnt about diseased hearts and gauged the type of heart you have. • You’ve laid down the conditions to start treatment of your nafs, heart and soul. • You’ve built foundations on those considerations by learning how merciful Allah subhaanahu wa taala (glorified and exalted is he) is, and changing your beliefs with regards to whether you can be forgiven or not. • You’ve learnt about how to reframe your thinking to the will of Allah by understanding the concept of taqwa, and using this to consider your future actions. • You’ve reflected on the ugliness and consequences of your sin in this life and the hereafter. • You’ve reflected on the beauty of Allah’s mercy and its effects on your life now and in the hereafter.

..so what now?

Having made the decision to change, it is now the time to repent and seek tawbah from same sex attraction, Astaghfirullah. It is time to make a firm resolve against this sin and seal it in to your past with your distant memories, it is time to make amends with Allah for your transgressions and make a divine pact with him, It is time to seek his mercy and follow his path. Insha’Allah.

Tawbah and istegfar are a constant process, the human is not perfect and can only aspire for perfection; the point is not to despair and start a cycle of continuous improvement, this means you should learn from the past, improve in the present, and review in the future.. and repeat the cycle.. i.e.:

• Seek forgiveness for the sins of Yesterday. • Seek the opportunity to do good and start new today. • Seek forgiveness for opportunities you missed today, Tomorrow...

Always renew you tawbah to protect your gains, and remind yourself of your gains to keep changing. Stay consistent to build a new habit and break the last one.

Be specific in your tawbah and move on.

There are three conditions to Tawbah repentance for its to be accepted.

1- we must stop that sin –as we have Four witnesses against us. 2- we must truly regret and have remorse 3- we must have a firm resolve never to repeat that sin again

The Four witnesses of our sins are:

a) The place we did the crime (i.e., scene of the crime/ sin). "On that day, the earth will reveal all its secrets." (99:4)

b) The organ or limb we used to commit the crime. "When their ears, their eyes, their skin will testify against them." (41:21) "That day we seal up mouths, and hands speak out and feet bear witness to all that they did." (36:65)

c) The Angels who record the deeds "The honored writers know what you do." (82:11)

d) Allah's Records "We record that which they send before them, and their footprints, and all things we have kept in a clear register." (36:12)

With four such strong witnesses, how can we present ourselves to Allah? So He through His mercy removes all the witnesses against those whose repentance has been accepted, so that we present ourselves with a clean record.

When Allah accepts repentance and forgives His servant, then recording angels erase their records, organs lose their memories, and earth removes its stains of evidence so that when that person appears before Allah, there is no one to be a witness against him.

Understand that Sin is like bacteria in the way it silently and stealthily invades the body. At first you are entirely unaware of its presence. It feeds on and grows stronger because of our ignorance and negligence. The victim of the infection becomes aware of the disease much later when the first symptoms appear. He will then have to subject himself to the sometimes unpleasant treatment of a Doctor.

Know that the harm of sin to the heart is like the harm done by poison to the body according to the various degrees of damage done by each (finally a death). And nothing in this world nor the hereafter is evil or bad except that its cause is sin and transgression.

Effects of Sin attracts poverty, destroys the bounties given to us by Allah, good deeds become difficult if not altogether impossible to practice and sin removes the blessings (barakah). Continuous sin weakens the body and the heart, and shortens one’s life, because like any diseases and or poison that goes into the body the effect is physical death of the body finally.

So make tawbah for your past with absolute resolution and realisation that your end is with your lord, and your life can be taken at anytime. Dunya is an illusion and the world is real, dunya is your personal experience if the world. You have no intellect if you waste your time in dunya without preparing for the aakhirah.

The content of tawbah should be two fold- 1- Asking forgiveness for the wrong actions you have committed and 2- Asking forgiveness for the good actions you have omitted (good things you didn’t do).

30 should follow that one single sin immediately with an act of worship or ibadaah; this act of worship is seeking tawbah and forgiveness.

4.1.3.1 Action point: Perform salaatul tawbah- Prayer for repentance

• Make tawbah now! • Do wudhu, and • pray 2 rakah nafl salah; with the intention of seeking forgiveness from the Almighty. • Do isteghfar and sends salawat and salaams (durood) on the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalaam. • Make a long dua at the end seeking forgiveness, confess you have sinned, be specific; asking for Allah’s counsel and help, inviting his mercy in to your life, and ask him to veil your sins and making this journey easy for you. Ask for this sickness to be removed, ask for the strength of mind soul and character, and ask for the blessings you wish, ask for a pious spouse and pious children, and ask to be protected from humiliation and exposure.. ask for anything, weep to your lord openly, don’t hold back let your emotions flow, let your tears flow for his love, and let them flow from the fear of his punishment, most of all let them flow in gratitude for allowing you the opportunity to repent, let them flow in relief of your burden being lightened and let them flow for the sake of your soul. Be humble, pour out your heart, Let Allah take away your pain, feel his love for you. Take however long it takes. • End by sending more salawat and salaams (durood) on the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam.

Don’t underestimate the power of Dua. It is likely you will get very emotional, Your tawbah is between you and your creator a direct connection, do it in private to avoid questions from those who are around you.

The prayer of tawbah is overwhelming in every extreme, you may hate yourself for the sin you have committed, you may feel guilty this is the sign of remorse for your actions. On the other hand the sense of overwhelming relief will take you from one extreme to the other. Trust me I know.

The following is some notes from a beautiful commentary on the reality of tawbah which I heard, truly awe inspiring;

“know that tawbah is your return to him is also his return to you.. you are making tawbah because he opened that door for you.. Subhaanallah! He has returned to you! Your tawbah exposes you to the fragrances of his mercy. Your firmness on this is his gift. Keep coming back even if you stray again.. Allah’s is not the caravan of despair.. Iblees did wrong and despaired- he blamed Allah, he wasn’t given the opportunity to turn back.. Adam accepted his weakness and sought Allah’s forgiveness; likewise the children of Adam keep coming back to Allah when they sin, and that’s what sets them apart from Iblees, and as they keep turning back, their sins get more and more subtle .. no matter how great your sins are they do not diminish the mercy of your lord! Don’t let them take you to a state of despair; always hope for his mercy as success is his providence. Know that returning to his generosity is greater than any wrong action. Your tawbah is weightier than your sin. ’’

4.1.3.2 Action- Screw it, I’m just going to do it!

It is not hard to give up an unwanted behavior, everyone has done it before. The key is to remember the last time you gave up something and draw the similarities between that situation and this one, bring those feelings back and use them as a resource to help you once again get rid of this behavior.

1) Take a few moments to remember now, a time that you though to yourself ‘Screw it! I’m just going to go for it! ‘it might have been about something big or small, it might have been about something you wanted to change or something you were scared of doing and you decided to do it anyway... either way think of a situation where you felt the unstoppable dedication to act, you feel that unstoppable determination that propels you in the right direction.

2) Go back to that situation, see it through your eyes, hear it , feel what you felt at that time, let it resound through your entire body, bring that determination in to your subconscious and conscious mind.

3) Now think of your decision to give up same sex attract and homosexuality, notice how powerful you feel having made this decision feeling that feeling of unstoppable determination. Hear yourself saying, ‘Screw it! I’m just going to do it.’

5.0 Understanding Trials and Tribulations

Tribulations are trials from Allah they may come in the form of a calamity, these may be punishments for wrong actions you receive in your life time, or punishment for failing a trial which was sent upon you during this lifetime, such as giving in to same sex attraction.

Allah subhaanhu wa ta’ala gives the beginner in tawbah, 3 things which will remind him of his faults and give him insight and practice in to giving in to the divine decree; these are

1) The rest of Allah’s creation will find fault in you 2) The nafs becomes unbearable 3) Tribulations and calamities, there is an absence from the benefits and help from Allah. the purpose of these are to get him to respond to it and seek Allah’s mercy

Tribulations come due to wrong actions they are of three stages

1) Tribulations which expiate wrong actions for a previous sin, are a means of mercy. They are a reminder to change your ways – i.e. causes self questioning; why is this happening? This leads you back to Allah.

2) Tribulations due to not learning your lessons. result of previous sins which you keep repeating- they are a result of what you were doing wrong.. These make you reconsider if your tawbah was sincere, and if you made the change you should have… make tawbah and try again...

3) tribulations as a chastisement or punishment for continued and willful disobedience, this is no longer due to ignorance.

Allah does not try you straight away, initially Allah veils your sin. You are given chance upon chance, and even then when you don’t learn a calamity occurs. Allah will give you the same lesson over and over again until you learn the lesson, and change your ways.

Tribulations and calamities are anything which go wrong in your life, disease, flat tyre, missing a plane etc.

When a calamity happens ask yourself; why is this happening? Make tawbah, and then have sabr- patience; put all your trust in Allah to remove the tribulation and give you the benefit in it.

All tribulations pass through these stages it is important you learn from them and act upon them before they become punishment.

When things happen just let them happen, because everything happens for a reason... figure out why they are happening. They are designed to take you towards the signs and ways of Allah and are therefore a blessing disguise.

The 17 Benefits of Tribulation are listed below:

1. You realize the power of Lordship over you. 2. You realize your object servanthood and your complete state of resignation and brokenness before the will and power of God. 3. Sincerity to God; one has no place of return in putting off or defending against the calamity except to Him. It makes you sincere because the muhsin is the one who calls on God without any shirk. A moment of ikhlas in this world is enough to save a person. 4. He returns to God and suddenly is fervent in his desire of his Lord. 5. It leads to a humbled state before God and it leads to prayers (du’a) that you call on God. 6. You’re forbearing towards the One who has afflicted you. 7. You forgive the one who has wronged you. 8. To be patient during the tribulation. 9. To be happy about what’s happening because of those benefits. 10. To be grateful for it. 11. Purification that these calamities have towards peoples’ wrongs and sins. 12. Compassion that God enables you to show to people who are in tribulation and to help them. 13. Tribulation gives you the blessing of having true knowledge of the extent of well-being. 14. God has prepared rewards for the calamities that you’ve bared patiently or with contentment. 15. What is hidden inside the folds of these calamities are blessings. 16. Tribulations prevent you from arrogance. 17. Contentment. Tribulation afflicts the good and the evil (people), whoever doesn’t like it, it’s on Him, and he’s lost the dunya and the aakhirah. Those who are pleased with it, it’s because he knows it, because paradise is better than anything in this world and if these tribulations are what it takes for him to get to paradise, then he’s content with it.

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

If you stand back and take a look at the whole picture, you will realize that what you have when faced by a tragedy is a choice. Will you go through the stages of grief, denying Allah’s destiny and the wisdom of His plan for you? Or will you realize that what you are going through is something you know you can handle? Whatever trial comes your way is something that Allah has planned and which He has guaranteed you can handle.

This ayah is comforting because I, as a faithful mu’min who believes in Allah and His wisdom, know deep in my heart that although the sadness is cumbersome it will not be overwhelming; that although the times might be tough, I am tougher; and that whatever comes my way will go away; and that eventually I will face my Lord whom, I hope, will be pleased with me as I am pleased with Him.

So when you go through a difficult situation, be it the inevitable death of a loved one or the loss of a job or just a flat tire on the side of the highway, take a deep breath and say:

“Say: ‘Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allâh has ordained for us…’” (9:51).

The nature of calamities is that they happen unexpectedly but for a reason; the nafs will look for reasons to blame someone or find a reason to shift its responsibility in the wrong action which led to the tribulation... the truth is the calamity is due to personal action and one must look inward to understand why a calamity has come.. the responsibility lies within yourself, and the decisions and choices you made.

You can only truly appreciate the tribulation and overcome it when you realise the following;

“Allah gives you tribulations for you, this is All about you, everything that happens is about you, and he does it all for you... it’s all done for you, because he wants you to realise that it’s All for HIM...” When you realise this you can give up the self indulgent nafs and begin dismantling your ego and start to develop spiritually. Allah is testing you to bring you back to him, and make you turn to him, he is giving you the opportunity to seek his love and mercy.. tribulations are not a punishment but a means of testing your faith.

When tribulations or calamities happen, just let them happen; as it all happens for a reason. Be in submission to Allah and he will take you where you need to go. Conform with the reality of Allah... Understand it happened for a reason- whatever that reason may be; don’t blame yourself .

Do everything in your ability to get the best outcome.. if you did everything you can and something doesn’t happen then know this is also for a reason. Submit to Allah and you will see. Say Mashallah to everything even when calamities occur. Don’t get vexated as this makes you angry towards Allah and his divine decree and plan for you. Put your trust in Allah as he has pre-ordained it all in his divine wisdom..’’

6.0 The Treatment Of the heart

Mashaallah! you’ve made tawbah against this evil same sex attraction. You’ve made peace with yourself but don’t fall in to a sense of arrogance; remember tawbah is an iterative process; you aren’t yet cured. The nature of the nafs is that it will persuade you back in to sin, it will cause you to relapse. That internal voice still hears the whisperings of the shayateen and will convey his messages to you..

Tawbah was a prerequisite to the ongoing treatment of the nafs and the diseased heart. The nafs didn’t just persuade you to become homosexual in one day, it slowly broke down your barriers and made it acceptable, through falling for its suggestions you have programmed your heart and brain to react to certain triggers and then act out your homosexual desires.. this happened over a period of time; therefore the treatment will also take a period of time. Yes Allah can take this sickness from you in a blink of an eye, but until that happens you must strive against your nafs- declare JIHAAD against the nafs.. learn to control your nafs. Strive against it in the name of Allah.

This chapter will cover the treatments to heal the heart, how to deal with drawbacks and how to maintain your gains.

There are many scholars who have recommended treatments for the diseased hearts and nafs, feel free to search for these and implement them. You’ll have to read and contextualise the principles yourself as I don’t think there are many sources that are specific to same sex attraction- I didn’t come across any. All the scholars have slightly different methods to treat the nafs and heart but they all broadly fall in to the same categories, and the end effect and outcome is the same. During my journey to change I reviewed various lectures and articles looking for guidance and inspiration in religious and non religious sources. The subsequent chapters provide are a combination of principles that I found to be useful and relevant in a structured format. I have contextualised the concepts to our specific problem with my own interpretations and understanding.

The long term treatment of the diseased heart are of three types/ methods, these are described in a nutshell below;

• Having a regime .. I.e. plan what you will be doing each day and stick to it, consider things like prayer, zikr, dua, food, and your normal day to day activities make a comprehensive list. Keep yourself busy and preoccupied to avoid thinking lustful thoughts and pursuing the sins. Establish control of your food intake, may be fast.. hunger makes you introspective.

• Changing behaviors.. adopting new behaviors and dealing with old behaviors. Learning from others and adopting role models; i.e. Seeking the company of sincere people, i.e. look for good people, good muslims to spend time with. Stay away from those whom you sin with. Stay in the presence of family to avoid committing sin in private. Stay around those in front of who you would not engage in sexual activity. If you cannot find sincere people to use as role models then read the seerahs (biographies) of the prophets, companions etc for inspiration. Actively changing your own behaviors and beliefs to build healthy relationships with others in particular with other males.

• Using a strong deterrent, i.e. think of the consequences of your sin. what will be your punishment in the grave? Are you ready to die? Can you face your creator carrying the burden of your sin? If you die in a state of sin will you have the opportunity to repent?

All three methods deal with the control and change of the nafs. The following sections will go in to more detail on each treatment method. These are followed by chapters on maintenance and pursuing perfection as well as a chapter on troubleshooting to deal with drawbacks and relapses.

The appendices at the end provide some zikr, duroods and duas and other acts of worship for your perusal in your regime and a section on the Islamic perspective of homosexuality.

6.1 Treatment 1: Sorting out your Regime

The first of the treatments method is to sort out your current regime; it deals with alternative behaviors to adopt in order to replace idle time, quiet moments and the times you find yourself moving towards sin.

The principle is to manage your time so that you can fulfill your responsibilities in the deen and to yourself. This is the reason why regime is the first treatment method, as you must use your time to actively implement everything else, from the initial due diligence of laying the foundations for change and setting the conditions of treatment to the actual treatment, maintenance and devotional practices which you are commanded to perform.

It is necessary to have a regime because we are preoccupied with dunya due to our desires overcoming us, let Allah take care of dunya by submitting your dunya whole heartedly to him as you preoccupy yourself in his worship and what you must do to survive within the world while you are here. Act in the dunya within the laws and limits Allah has set and leave the outcome of your efforts to him, as he will always do what is best for you.

If you are serious about change you will do things to achieve it and make the time to fit it in to your activities. work it out, when do you have the time to change yourself? You are the controller of your time, you can make the time.

Force yourself to perform the right actions for worship and change, this will preoccupy and habituate your nafs to get used to it. Through repetition you build habit, you understand things better and they become easier as you get stronger. Don’t be preoccupied with your details or obsess about them, no matter who you are- you have time- never use the excuse of preoccupation to avoid responsibility. You must prioritise things in your life, and make each decision with taqwa.

There is no cure for the nafs except to go to Allah in a state of helplessness, and to be consistant with renewing your tawbah and istegfar- spend five minutes each day reviewing your actions.

You must have dedication, perseverance and spiritual aspiration to succeed against your nafs.

Initially do the bare minimum! Go in to a state of retreat and reflection. If you don’t have the mind frame or determination to do good things such as prayer, fasting and applying the techniques to change then avoid committing the sin instead. Just focus on not committing the sin even if you can’t get yourself to do anything else.. it is better do nothing- whether good or bad rather than do the bad. It is better to do the minimum good i.e. isteghfar, durood and zikr rather than do nothing at all. By not doing the things you should be doing because your nafs is fighting against it; you are avoiding overwhelming the nafs, and at the same time avoiding the sin is sending a powerful message to your nafs, that by avoiding the righteous action it does not mean you will regress and fall back in to the sin. As this realisation sets itself in to the nafs, you can increment and build upon the minimum righteous acts such as the zikr, isteghfar and durood slowly to incorporate the other necessary acts of worship in to your life.

It is important to go in to the deen gently- step by step or you will be overwhelmed. Be consistent; do less- more often as this is better than doing more- less often. Don’t jump in to the deep end and fill your regime with everything you think is right, concentrate on the basics and build it up in small increments. For example start with zikr, istegfar and durood, then add the daily five prayers, then add to this as you get used to having these things in your routine and you become well practiced and accustomed to being consistent with the basics.

Make it part of your regime to maintain cleanliness, not just in body but also in mind, maintain wudhu throughout the day, as wudhu sets the mind to remain steadfast in preparation to worship. Read about what nullifies and breaks the state of wudhu and the importance of wudhu in worship. Remaining in a state of wudhu also helps to maintain a clear and sin free mind. Performing wudhu is a prescribed ritual cleansing of mind, body and soul imagine washing away your sins and faults, ready to face your lord.

Make it a habit to recite durood and istegfar and salawat all day long, you can repeat these in your mind while performing other tasks and activities, or recite them in times where you have a few minutes free. Read about the benefits of zikr, durood and istegfar to motivate you- for example it has been said that durrood lightens the heart and reduces the heat of the hell fire and eases the punishment of the grave. It extinguishes wrong actions like water on fire. Istegfar releases you from difficulty and anxiety.

Take time during your day to Seek refuge, guidance and help from Allah, use every opportunity; when you face a problem, start something new etc, only takes a few seconds at a time. Start to build a relationship with your creator, invest in a small book of daily duas (there are many available I use ‘fortress of the muslim’ a pocket sized book which I carry with me or use the duas in the appendix of this book) for everyday situations, and try to apply them. There are recommended duas for everything.. from eating, to sleeping, to changing your clothes.. Putting yourself in to the dua habit keeps your mind preoccupied from sin, and makes it more prone to make dua and seek refuge should the temptation to sin occur. Making dua for even the smallest or menial things in life is a reminder that you can remember Allah at any time, and search for his mercy in it..for example start by saying bismillah before you do or start anything!

6.1.1 Action point: reflecting on the days deeds

take some time in before you sleep everyday to reflect on what you did that day for the benefit of:

1) your heart /Soul 2) your deen 3) your family and friends 4) your community 5) what you did yesterday.. what did you do wrong? What did you do right? 6) what you did today? Were there any missed opportunities?

reflect on whether you acted in taqwa or not. Think whether you took advantage of every opportunity to please Allah that day, if not review how you will overcome this and ask for forgiveness.

Whenever you remember your wrong actions make tawbah- the priority is to get out of the cycle of sin. Avoid revisiting the sin and thinking about it- protect your eyes and thoughts from it. Avoid the places of sin.

6.1.2 Action – Use your Anger

• View your sin with absolute contempt, and hatred and disgust.

• If you feel you are regressing, or procrastinating because of the sin- Get angry at yourself and act!

• Anger makes you move and find energy.

Don’t be too harsh on yourself though allow some leeway, be wary of trying to do too much too soon; don’t jump in to the deep end but start with the basics, the nafs is easily overwhelmed and can fall in to procrastination and depression.

6.1.3 Action Point; Fast

Fasting has been said to reduce the sexual urges, it also provides a means of preoccupying the mind ad you try and maintain the conditions of fasting (i.e. no food, water, sex, backbiting, and spending time remembering Allah and contemplating the less fortunate). As such hunger makes you more introspective and appreciative of you actions and how they affect yourself and others, it also makes you consider what you have reaped as good deeds for your afterlife and reminds you of your the responsibilities towards others..

6.2 Treatment 2: changing behaviors

Changing behaviors, adopting new ones and dealing with old ones.

The second of the treatment methods is to change your behaviors, you do this by adopting and learning new behaviors to deal with and replace the old behaviors. Behaviors are the result of thought processes and actions which are deeply rooted in your subconscious and nafs, they are the product of repetition whether that was conscious or subconscious. Situations, places, sights, sounds, smells, tastes and feelings can provide a trigger which sets off emotions and thought processes which in turn make you behave in a certain way.

You must be initially recognising the behavior you wish to change before you replace it. You then decide what you want to replace it with and force yourself to behave differently when you notice that an old behavior has been triggered. By consciously stopping the thought process and resulting behavior you force your subconscious to accept a new response/ behavioral pattern, with repetition your desired response becomes the automatic response.

It is necessary to be consistent no matter what and remain motivated by reminding yourself of the reason you want to change. At first you may find it easy, but a time will come that your nafs fights and argues- this is the time when you must stay steadfast, this period won’t last for long as the brain will form new neural pathways to the new behavior as it is ingrained in to your subconscious through repetition.

Firstly you must honor your decision to cut all ties with your same sex attraction, by this I mean remove yourself from the situation, remove the methods of contact and avoid anything which triggers your nafs to seek pleasure in the sin. You have built strong foundations by understanding that Allah has given you an opportunity to change and avoid destruction. You understand his mercy and you have learnt how to apply taqwa to your decisions to avoid acting/ behaving in sinful ways… now you must take the steps to remove this sin from your life and honour the oath you made to Allah when you made tawbah.

6.2.1 Action Point – Deep clean

Remove yourself the conditions and atmosphere of sin, for the sake of Allah do the following;

1) Change your mobile telephone number and destroy the sims and contacts

2) Avoid going to the places where you sin, may think about sin, or see other males exposing themselves ( e.g. clubs/ bars/ spas/ gyms/ locker rooms) , this does not mean just physical places- think of your online activity.

a)delete any personal advert/ social networking profiles you have on gay dating websites/ classified ads or any other means you use to attract men. b) delete / lock off any email addresses you use for this purpose c)delete any contacts you have made.

3) delete any text messages on your phones, photographs, letters diary entries etc.. delete it all. Not even a scrap of a reminder should remain.

4) destroy any paraphernalia/ toys/ condoms/ underwear/ jewellery you used/ anything you bought for the specific use for the purpose of committing sin.

5)do not keep anything for its sentimental value to this sin.

6) destroy any pornography you have and delete any favourite websites; install filtering software to stop you searching for certain words or going to certain websites. Apply a child lock to TV channels.

a) end any subscriptions that you have made to paid websites or TV channels.

7)make a list of anything not mentioned above and systematically destroy it. Remove anything related to same sex attraction.

8) wash all your clothes

9)tidy and clean you room

10)have a bath/ shower. Symbolically let the sin and desire wash away ready for your new start.

11) in the name of Allah begin your new life with a clean body and environment.

Don’t feel guilty about just disappearing from the guys you have met or are sinning with. Your sinning self is dead, there is no space for them in your life anymore because the person they knew no longer exists. You have done this for the sake of yourself and for the sake of your creator, you will go to your grave and they will go to theirs, you will reap what you sow in this life and the next, likewise they will to.

This is a hard step to take, but from experience I tell you; it is easier than carrying the burden of leading a double life. I found myself in a position where I was acting in one way in front of family and friends, and then there was my secret life where I was seducing and pursuing men; due to my religion, mind and culture and upbringing these two were not compatible.

I used to feel like a hypocrite - on one side of me I was laying with men while on the other hand I was putting on the show of being the ideal son, friend, brother and muslim. The guilt was overbearing. I knew what I had to do to end these feelings, and that was to be true to the will of Allah and turn away from my secret life of sin.

By performing the deep clean you are removing the environments and stimulus which lead you to same sex attraction, you are also removing the stimulus which satisfies the carnal desires of your nafs.

6.2.2 Dealing with masturbation

Masturbation, the addiction of a majority of the male population over a certain age.. A lot of guys masturbate very regularly, once a day/ once every few days, know that this is an addiction.

Masturbation usually entails visual processes, whether that’s watching or looking at something erotic or picturing sexual acts in the mind. The danger of masturbation is that it can be done anywhere at any time, therefore you are prone to doing it often and on a regular basis.

Because you masturbate so often you get easily bored of watching/ thinking about the same sexual acts and you look for something even more erotic, for example; I started with just looking at photos of women, this turned to solo videos, this turned to straight sex videos, this desensitised me to be comfortable watching men, this led me to explore my curiosities of non porn-star men, this led to watching clips of solo men, this led to masturbating with other guys on webcam, this led to requesting men to show me other parts of their body, this led to watching gay sex, this led to meeting men, this led to seeking out more wilder pornography.. this downward spiral just kept going. As I exposed myself to more and more pornography the taste for hardcore acts grew as I desensitised my mind through masturbation.

By desensitising my mind; something which at one stage was not acceptable for me became a valid means of sexual gratification, I was indulging in same sex attraction for my kicks. Naudhubillah. Masturbation could lead me to all this???

How does masturbation lead to this vicious downward spiral? Due to the confused state of mind i.e. confusing admiration for attraction to certain men; the inclination to becoming a victim of same sex attraction was there. When masturbating; pleasure is felt at the climax so the feeling of sexual pleasure was linked by the nafs to what the nafs perceived to be sexually attractive i.e. men.

During climax certain feel good chemicals and hormones are released in to the brain and body. The brain does not consider what you have masturbated over to feel the pleasure you are feeling it is just a physical response to sexual stimulation, however the nafs has an appetite and easily gets bored. Baring this in mind the nafs makes you experiment and want more; the more you experiment with harder forms of pornography the more you became desensitised.

The feeling of achieving pleasure through your sin became engrained in your subconscious to the point where your nafs has convinced your brain that the sin is the source of pleasure. You have unknowingly rewarded your wrong actions with feel good chemicals, so much so that your actions no longer feel wrong, because you perceive a physical benefit from it.

Due to the addictive nature of the nafs it gets addicted to the feelings of the neuro-chemicals which are released during orgasm. It wants you to masturbate regularly and justifies it as a way to make you feel good when you’re bored/ stressed/ unhappy. So you masturbate to feel good, however in the mean time your nafs is getting bored again, and pushing you to find a more erotic stimulant to fuel your masturbation habit... and the cycle continues.

You did this to yourself... so only you can now break the cycle.

6.2.2.1 Action point: - prevention is better than cure..

Avoid the company of other sinners, avoid contacting them and avoid the places of sin. Remove anything which may tempt you.

Make constant zikr and istegfar and keep your tongue moist in the remembrance of Allah, and mind occupied with the mercy of your creator. By doing this you become more open to applying taqwa when faced with the temptation to sin.

Make constant tawbah. Remember the cycle of tawbah for actions of yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Make tawbah in the first instance if you feel you are regressing, to renew your determination and focus.

6.2.3 Action point – Override your patterns through tawbah

Make tawbah constantly. Tawbah is physically and mentally taxing to the nafs because it requires effort. seek tawbah for the smallest of things, the smallest setbacks, even occurrence of a thought- force yourself! your nafs will soon realise that the thoughts of sin make you go out of your way to relive the pains of the consequences of your sins. Patience and consistency is again required as your nafs will be forced to adapt.. committing the sin will no longer be the easy way out- the easy way out is to not commit or even think of the sin.. the new source of pleasure is being close to Allah. Enjoy the feeling of winning the battle against your nafs. You are regaining control.

6.2.4 Action Point- Exercising Modesty

• Avoid using public urinals where you may cast eyes on the genitals of others or expose your own genitals to others. Likewise don’t urinate in public. Always opt to use the cubicle.

• Don’t where tight trousers which are so tight; that they show off your bulges, or are so loose that your jeans are hanging on to your thighs for their dear life. Pull up your jeans and use a belt! Avoid immodesty in the way you dress, this doesn’t mean you need to change your wardrobe! You can still be fashionable while being modest.

• Wear underwear, don’t go commando. Underwear will hold your genitals close to your body, it will help avoid your trousers/ jeans brushing against your genitals and leading to an erection, on warm days it will prevent movement in your testicles from hanging loose therefore leading to possible stimulation to erection.

• Avoid using public showers and changing rooms in gyms as men will openly expose themselves in such places. Shower and change at home!

• Avoid being naked! Don’t sleep naked, or be naked in your bedroom for prolonged periods of time, this can lead to thoughts of self stimulation. If you are getting changed put your clothes on straight away. Get in the habit of sleeping with pyjamas and a vest/ t-shirt on if

you don’t already do so. Say auzubillah when getting naked to seek protection from Allah, even in an empty room so that your nakedness is covered from the eyes of jinn.

• Control your vanity, it is ok to care about your looks and clothes etc, however don’t spend too long in front of a mirror, especially in a state of nudity as this may lead to exploring your body and result in getting aroused and masturbating.

• Remember there may not be any people behind a closed door to watch you, but your creator still sees you; be modest in front him.

6.2.5 Action Point- Using Physical Reminders

• Avoid using a laptop/ computer in privacy.. remove these from your bedroom.

• Apply a religious wall paper to your desktop background so that when you log in to your computer or laptop you are reminded of your religious obligations, and you are reminded that you would not desecrate the Quran. For example a wallpaper of quraanic verses... you would not intentionally put anything obscene on the Quran, would you then load a pornographic page over a background of such verses?

• In the same principle hang a religious artwork in your room, or place a copy of the Quran in plain view. If you feel the need to sin cast your eyes upon it to avoid acting out your thoughts of sin.

• If you access porn on your smartphone, delete any saved files and cut off the data connection to avoid accessing online pages from your phone, alternatively switch to a basic mobile phone.

• Destroy any webcams you may have, as the chances are; if you own a web cam one of the main reasons you use it for is to commit sin through cam sex.

6.2.6 Action Point – Cleanliness

Maintain a state of wudhu, as sex/ masturbation nullifies the wudhu and requires ritual bathing. Always bear in mind that cleanliness is obligatory in Islam, therefore being in a state of sexual impurity must be avoided. As you become more practising in Islam and start praying salaah having to bath or shower more than required may make you become lazy towards fulfilling these obligatory prayers as you will feel inconvenienced. Consider the fact that you may die in a state of impurity.. is this how you want to face your lord?

6.2.7 Action point- Avert your gaze!

• We live in a society where modesty is of little concern. If you are in a position where you have tried all you can to avoid the stimulus which trigger the sin, and yet you are faced by a naked person, an act of lewdness, a visual stimulant, then simply.. turn away! Avert or lower your gaze and seek refuge in Allah. Make sure you condemn the thought in your mind strongly and think of it in disgust.

• Make constant zikr and istegfar and keep your tongue moist in the remembrance of Allah, and mind occupied with the mercy of your creator. By doing this you become more open to applying taqwa when faced with the temptation to sin.

• Remember every soul will face destruction and death, don’t throw yourself to destruction by your hands, eyes, genitals. Those things which were given to save yourself are being used to take you to that destruction. Beware that these triggers which lead to your homosexual behavior are powerful because you perceive their benefit, consider the wider impact on aakhirah and taqwa.

6.2.8 Action point- Change how you think about masturbation

Masturbation is in its nature an addiction, we have habituated ourselves to use it as a stress relief or way of escapism, in both cases the nafs has associated it to pleasure and a way of re-enacting those fantasies which Iblees has whispered in to our hearts.

By acting upon the urges of sexual arousal caused by same sex attraction (which in itself was an inspiration from the shayateen) we only reinforce the fantasies and desire for committing homosexual acts.

Masturbation is an addictive act, one that is a taboo subject that is believed to not harm the one who indulges in it; the danger of addiction to this act is not discussed by anyone. The truth is that the ease of committing this act is the same thing that makes it addictive, it is readily available and only ones penis and imagination are required. The dangers of its psychological effects are by and large ignored as no one will admit that they are addicted.

• Avoid unnecessarily touching your penis, restrict yourself to only consciously touching it during washing, but do not hold it to arouse yourself or gain an erection. Furthermore if you get an erection, stop the urge to masturbate and fall in to sin. This is an important decision you must make consciously when you feel the urge to masturbate as it trains the nafs and brain to break the association of sexual pleasure it has made with feeling attracted to other guys, the nafs will soon learn that the trigger which gives you the urges no longer leads to the outcome it has gotten used to- i.e. orgasm = pleasure.

• The trigger may be thoughts, porn or a person, these may cause an erection and the need to masturbate or seek other types of sexual release.. Forbid yourself from conforming to these needs, and engage yourself in something which preoccupies you otherwise and distracts you from these urges.

• Know that erections do not need to be acted upon. Think of erections as reassurance that your penis works and that you are sexually mature to father children. Reflect on the fact that through Allah’s mercy your body works and that unlike some unfortunate people you are able to gain and sustain an erection. Be thankful that you are not impotent.

• Masturbation is an unnecessary act and is not required; through his divine design Allah has built within you the means to expel unnecessary sexual fluids. This is the nocturnal emission or wet dream. Many of us have never experienced a wet dream due to very regular masturbation from an early age. Learn to enjoy your erection without giving in to masturbation. Concentrate or being able to use it for good, i.e. getting married and pleasuring your spouse and fathering children. Make dua to Allah that you find a pious spouse and are blessed with pious children who can become a means for you to enter jannah.

• Don’t use this organ to throw yourself in to temptation and then destruction. The sexual function of your penis is for you to use after marriage to seek pleasure and love with your wife, and for reproducing and fathering children, it is not for recreational purposes...

• Sexual urges, whether homosexual or heterosexual are in themselves a trial or tribulation, to test your weakness and faith and to see if you give more importance to them or the will of Allah. You must seek only to use your penis within the confines of marriage with your spouse.

• In previous chapters it has been mentioned how Shaytaan uses your most basic of human instinct against you, and pollutes your mind and desensitises it to forbidden sexual practices. Your nafs wants the pleasure outside the natural and permitted means, it no longer cares if the act of gaining that pleasure is with a member of the same sex or not.

• Guard yourself against masturbation, you know the destruction and sin it can lead to. Your penis is meant for your use but only within the prescribed means of marriage, reproduction and gaining pleasure with your spouse. The trial is in sticking within the prescribed means and not straying.

Due to the addictive nature of masturbation and the effective way the nafs is desensitised through repetition of the act it leads the masturbator to seek higher levels of arousal through even more explicit and hardcore thoughts or visuals.. this is the danger as the cycle of desensitisation- boredom- more explicit thoughts will keep repeating. Therefore masturbation is disliked in Islam.

6.2.9 Relating to yourself and Others

You have already acknowledged that you are dealing with the sickness of same sex attraction, a sickness which was caused by sexual desensitisation through masturbation which was justified by a confused sense of admiration of other men which you mistook for attraction. Attraction to other men was caused by a sense of deficiency within yourself; of certain qualities which you see in them.

Hence it is important that you deal with how you relate to yourself, identifying any changes you can make for self improvement and realising that there are some things which you cannot change and should be happy with. You can then learn to appreciate what brothers have is not what you need, and your strengths and qualities which you already possess are of equal importance. No one has everything; even the guys you feel you are attracted to do not have everything.

The nature of same sex attraction is of two types; enjoying seeing and being attracted to the same sex (finding other men attractive), or enjoying showing and being attractive to the same sex (enjoy men finding you attractive). In each case you are seeking acceptance and seeking to fulfill an insecurity about yourself. In the first case you admire qualities in other men you wish you had because you feel insecure and incomplete in some way or form; and in the second case you seek admiration for the qualities you have because you subconsciously feel what you have is not good enough therefore you feel other men need to verify it or you need to verify it to yourself by knowing that other men want it... You are in Despair!! The shaitaan has made you doubt your capabilities of being a man, he has made you feel like less of the man you really are and has made you feminise yourself by seeking the intimate company of other men. You are in a position where you are questioning your masculinity. Whether you consider yourself top or bottom, the fact that you are

47 laying with another man and gaining pleasure, comfort or emotional fulfillment you have submitted your masculinity to another male. Naudhubillah.

Correct your way of thinking.. You can admire another man for his qualities and looks but that does not mean you are attracted to them.. far from it. The truth is you want to be like them, you aspire to own those qualities within yourself. You cannot gain those qualities by mistaking the feelings of admiration for attraction and getting sexually intimate them! Through sexual intimacy you feel you are close to that person and you own them, therefore you own the qualities they have.. but you don’t. Through having sexual relationships with another man you will never fulfill that deficiency within yourself, the only thing you will achieve is a deeper sense of not having that quality and therefore rely on the sexual intimacy as keeping a link to that quality within that person. Seek tawbah for even contemplating this and acting on it. Seek tawbah for feeling that Allah has created you incomplete without instilling you with resources to learn new behaviors to improve yourself.

6.2.10 Action – Inventory Of Change

1) Make a list of all your personal qualities and characteristics which others find attractive.

2) Make a list of all the qualities and characteristics you wish you had.

3) Make a list of all the qualities and characteristics you look for within those you are attracted to

4) For each list; consider things like; confidence, esteem, personality traits, physical aspects such as hair, complexion, body, dress sense etc.

5) Now compare your lists, make note of the similarities between your traits and lists of traits in others.. How similar are the lists of things you wish you had to the list of those you admire?..

6) Now sort that list in to two groups;

i) Adoptable (things you can have. Work towards achieving i.e. better body/ better skin condition, confidence, sense of humour etc) and ii) Non adoptable (Things which you can’t have i.e. you can’t grow hair if your bald, you can’t grow taller)

7) Consider each trait in each list – will having sex with a man bring these traits to you?

8) Consider the non adoptable traits; these are things you cannot change within yourself, what the brother possesses is his blessing and what you possess is your blessing.. your body is yours to care for and maintain for the rest of your life, yearning for something you perceive to be better or more attractive won’t change that. It is not necessary that the traits you find attractive in someone else are the same traits that person likes about himself. However the traits you find non attractive in yourself are attractive to others who want what you have. Be content with what you have and make the most of it.

9) Consider the adoptable traits.. you know that there are things you admire that you can’t have, and there are things which you have that other people admire but can’t have,

however there are things that the other person has which you can have, these are the adoptable traits. For example you can learn to have confidence, you can learn to be funny, you can take steps to improve your skin, body, health, you can join a gym, you can apply yourself to be happy and pious etc.

10) Think of those traits you want to adopt; how will they benefit you? Will they improve you current state? Do they sit comfortably with your personality? Beliefs? Religion? Family? And future? What about taqwa? Are they achievable?

11) If the trait feels comfortable, form a strategy to achieve it (I want a better body- hit the gym- research how to get from your current state to the desired state), use visualisation or role modeling techniques, consult self help books, aspire to achieve something similar- be like the person you admire, don’t aspire be intimate with them.

12) Once you have formed a strategy consider your regime and how you will apply your strategy to achieve your goal- i.e. your desired state.

13) Think, if you had these traits would you feel the need to look for them in others? If you had spent your time creating that change or quality within yourself rather than obsessing over it in another man would you have achieved it by now?

By going through the action point above you have taken admiration and thought about how you can achieve change within yourself. By doing this you making sure you are not confusing admiration for attraction but are using admiration of others to make yourself more attractive to yourself. Think of all other males as your brothers, and be happy and comfortable with who you are; remind yourself of your qualities and don’t focus on your deficiencies especially non adoptable traits as this will lead to depression. Know you have been created by Allah and his creation is perfect. There is no need to seek attention and acceptance from others , seek it from Allah.

Consider all males to be your brothers, and know they are off limits- this is against everything you want and are working for. Maintain a healthy relationship of friendship with them. If you find this difficult then avoid making close friendships with them. Remember; It is better to be alone than with people who will make you sin, and it’s better to be with the pious people than to be alone. Pray for your brothers and avoid sexually charged conversations, keep conversations brief and talk about non vulgar topics.

6.2.11 Action point- Two Word Wish.

If you notice a brother has something which is lawful that you want i.e., an adoptable trait or something materialistic (i.e. a car, money etc) , ask Allah to bless him in it.. Then Ask Allah to bless you with it.. I call this the two word wish.. Say ‘Masha'allah, Insha’Allah.’ With the intention that Allah blesses him in it and blesses you with it’, this also averts any harm of the evil eye you may cast upon that brother unwillingly and reminds you that it is not the material or physical aspect you should be admiring, rather the creator who created it.

6.2.13 Action point – Avert Your Gaze 2

• This is something which was mentioned before; if you see another male whom you find attractive then avert your gaze, avoid thinking about him beyond acknowledging that he

exists, avoid visualising any sin. Don’t look closely at his body or genital area. Make dua and zikr to preoccupy your attention.

• Self control and will power come from Taqwa and determination to achieve your goals. You must always act in taqwa with strong conviction and consistency to succeed. Work hard, make dua and use your contempt and anger for the sin to fuel your desire to succeed.

• It is equally important that you do not think of or visualise your sin; instead of the sin; think of its consequences (as in previous visualisations) and remind yourself of why you are doing this to remain motivated.

6.2.14 Role model-ling

Having the desire to do good things for the sake of Allah is part of the deen, it engenders it and leads to it. You need to take the means and Allah will provide the openings- just trust him.

By surrounding yourself in the presence of pious you will learn from them and start to act like them. this is human nature. Seek the company of pious straight companions. By being around pious people you act differently and you behave differently, you are preoccupied with their presence/ atmosphere they create through the importance they give to Allah. For example a lot of people find it easier to give up cigarettes, drugs , alcohol and sex over Ramadan because it is seen as a ‘holy’ month, this mind frame reduces the need to commit these sins albeit with in that month.. if only people had the strength to take that leap of faith and realise that if they could do it for that month, they could do it for the rest of the year, and for the rest of their life! If only we realised that Allah sees us not only in Ramadan, but sees us throughout the whole of our lives.

You will learn from people who have committed themselves to mastering something. If you admire someone, or they are a master of something you are pursuing for example a sport, Islam etc then aspire to learn from them. By learning we do not mean to learn the skill, but learn to be like them, the way they think; the way they act; they way they apply the skill/ trait you admire.

You too should commit to mastery of yourself and the deen- Islam. The study of mastery is to seek perfection, knowing that perfection cannot be reached as there is something which can always be improved. By seeking mastery you start an endless journey to seek that perfection. The search for perfection is a journey of beauty and continuous improvement, a journey in striving to master one’s self, to perfect himself in the eyes of his creator.

Choosing the right role model;

• Choose people of taqwa and piety to model and learn positive Islamic behaviors. • Avoid choosing sinners or men you are attracted to as a role model because there is nothing you can learn from a sinner and you further expose yourself to sin. • Being like them not being with them • If you cannot find an ideal role model, then read Islamic biographies to learn how to be for example The Sealed Nectar. You can visualise the characteristics in your mind and how you would apply them to learn from these books.

6.2.15 Action – Visualising a trait to inherit it

This may be a characteristic such as confidence, masculinity, or a physical trait as in; how does he walk with such confiHow does he appear so masculine and calm? How does he give out a sense of piety?

Read the steps and apply or record them and play back to yourself, allowing a minute or two between each step.

1) Decide on a role model – someone who has the skill or trait you want. Picture them doing that skill or trait, what are they doing it? How are they doing it? What are the steps they are carrying out to do it?

2) Make a dua to Allah to allow you to have this skill or trait if there is benefit in it for you.

3) When you feel as familiar as possible with your role model's performance, close your eyes, relax and visualise yourself performing this skill or trait in a sequence of actions at the highest level as though you are watching a movie. See and hear everything there is, in order to build a complete picture. Make the picture larger, brighter, more colourful, louder , intensify the feelings.. fill your mind with it…

4) When you have watched this performance for some time, step in to the movie, in to yourself how you see yourself.. allow the image of yourself performing that trait to sink in to every part of your body. Become the person in the movie.

Run through the same sequence of actions but from within, noticing this time what your body feels as you do this. See through your own eyes and hear everything through your own ears. Make the picture larger, brighter, more colourful, louder , intensify the feelings..Repeat several times as you have a sense of familiarity.

Come back to the present, with the intention of retaining as much of the skill as possible as you return to normal working consciousness.

As soon as possible (and as much as possible) practice the trait, noticing how this exercise improves your performance.

Repeat the entire exercise everyday in your own time until you feel comfortable you can perform the skill or use the trait confidently.

6.3 Treatment 3: Having a Deterrent: Using Negative Motivations

The third aspect treatment is having a strong deterrent; these are can be seen as motivators to avoid a specific outcome. Motivators are of two types they are either positive motivators (focus on the outcomes of achieving) or negative motivators (focus on the outcomes of not achieving). A deterrent makes you realise what you are trying to avoid and why. We already know what we are trying to achieve, these can be further reinforced by appreciating exactly what is the consequence of not achieving. The idea is to increase the reasons as to why you are rejecting that sin and to be quite simple- repulsed by the thought of not overcoming the sin and relapsing in to it.

A further aspect of this method of treatment is that it forces us to be introspective and really analyse the reasons as to why we are sinning and put in perspective the consequences of our sin, we are forced to ask ourselves.. is it really worth it? this is a very important question, which up till now has been ignored by our nafs. This ability of the heart to question our nafs has over time been diminished as we chose to act against these feelings and commit sin, as explained previously; the nafs has desensitised our conscience to accept committing of a sin as a source of pleasure or good.

Having powerful positive and negative motivators are key to being able to stick to a regime and strategies to change behaviors, as without motivation we easily fall in to procrastination and laziness. It is easy to lose focus on the reasons why we want to change as the nafs will fight change, so we must maintain that focus by reminding ourselves the reasons we want to change however uncomfortable these reasons may be. The nafs must be subdued by conscious effort to make it adapt and then adapt to a new way of thinking, behaving and reacting so that it is coherent to the desired outcome you wish to achieve.

We must know the importance of reaching our desired outcome of being free of same sex attraction and following the path of Allah whole heartedly is higher than the outcome of performing the sin; which is a temporary source of unlawful and forbidden pleasure in this dunya. This is because the sin will lead to dire consequences which will overshadow the miniscule pleasure we aim to achieve by committing the sin. The result of sin is to our personal, physical and spiritual detriment in this life and the next. May Allah protect us.

6.3.1 Action point: visit a grave yard on your own- become reflective and appreciative if death and how you use time.

In order to change and maintain it is important to remember the reasons for change, remember the only certainty after being born is death.. nothing else can be taken for granted in your destiny, during your life you will face many trials and tribulations and same sex attract is one of those trials. This has been mentioned clearly in the Quran;

"Every soul shall taste death, and We shall make a trial of you with evil and good, and to Us you will be returned." (21:35)

..therefore the first deterrent is contemplating death and being fearful of returning to the creator as a failure who failed in the trials and tribulations of the temptation of sin.

Visit a graveyard alone and make a habit of attending the funeral prayers of those that pass away..

If visiting a graveyard; take a pen and paper and copy out the following bullet points, after some istegfar, durood and dua for the deceased, find a quiet spot, and ponder the following points;

• think of all those that have perished before you, reflect on how short life really is, ask yourself if you are yet ready to leave this world? Have you made amend with your creator?

• Ponder on this point; what will you say to the questioning of the angels of punishment in your grave?

• Realise how lucky you are that you are alive, the difference between you and the one that has passed is that you can still return to the path of Allah, you can still ask for forgiveness and amend your ways. You can still shun the sin, shun the attractions of sin and embrace the mercy and love of Allah.

• How many of those souls would love the opportunity to return to this dunya just so they can make tawbah?

• How will you use your time in the present, in this dunya?

Make a list, write down descriptions, write down your feelings, write down the actions and changes you feel you need to make, write down how positive you will feel after you have implemented those changes..

6.3.2 Action- what will you be remembered for?

You’ve considered your soul in this dunya, and when it passes in to the grave, and what will happen to you in the grave and beyond... have you thought about how same sex attraction can affect your legacy after you have passed? What do you want to be remembered for?

• Do you want your friends and family to remember you as being gay, a sinner, an embarrassment to the family?

• If you died and the truth about your same sex attraction came out, how would your loved ones feel?

• How will your loved ones be treated by outsiders?

• If you died as a homosexual, will there be anyone i.e. children to continue your blood line? Will you leave behind pious children who will pray for your soul in the aakhirah?

• If you died due to a disease caused by same sex attraction and this became public knowledge; what would happen?

• If you died and photographs/ letters/ texts/ files any communications or sentimental reminders of your relationships were found how would your loved ones react?

• Is this how they knew you before you died?

• Is this how you want them to remember you?

• What is the legacy you plan to leave behind?

• Close your eyes, Imagine all this happening right here right now; Replay all of it in one Massive big movie of you and commit to fully feel the disgust and repulsion of your own Accountability in this sin and just notice how pathetic you participating in the whole sin really was at the time.

• Repeat this for each time that you remember the sin, do it at Least 5 times and do it progressively quicker each time.

• If needed run as many times as necessary until you are thoroughly sick of the Idea of you doing the sin.

6.3.3 Action: Treat Same Sex Attraction as a sickness

Same sex attraction or homosexuality is accepted by modern society as a valid lifestyle, but this is a sickness. Yes you and me are sick. It is a sickness that will not only consume you in this life, but it will follow you to the next life too. Up until the seventies homosexuality was a recognised psycho sexual disease.

We have established that same sex attraction or homosexuality is not normal, it is not accepted by Islam, and it is not how Allah wants you to be. The reason why we are reading this book is because we know that it is a result of our weakness that we are suffering with this disease, therefore this sickness is a result of our own choice, and therefore we can also choose to leave this sickness and change. Unlike other sicknesses- this sickness is due to us choosing it, therefore we are liable to be judged and punished for it.

Homosexuality is one of the evil diseases of society, it first consumes your mind, then consumes your heart, then consumes your soul.. it takes you away from your creator and opens you to punishment in this world and the next, it is a choice you made, and that choice invites other terminal illnesses and diseases in to your life.. what if you contracted a sexually transmitted disease? What if that disease was not treatable?

Treat same sex attraction as a terminal disease of the mind and soul..

imagine if you had a life threatening disease but it was curable.. and you had the medicine..but you had to take the medicine for a long period and never miss a dose…

• would you take a chance and miss a dose of medicine? • Knowing it can be cured would you do anything to make that sickness worse? Would your efforts revolve around prolonging your life and winning against the disease?...

• How does that feeling of determination feel? How strong is your will to succeed?

• How strong is your instinct to survive?

• How does all this feel? How does this determination feel? What do you hear and see in your mind? If this was your only chance of survival how would you mind be?..

• Now bearing that feeling of determination in your mind, bring it to the present, can you overcome the disease of same sex attraction to save your soul?

• If the pain of a life threatening disease feels like this in your present life; which is only for a short number of days, what about the punishment of your sins which you will face for an eternity in the afterlife?

• You have the treatment for the disease of homosexuality right now.. with what degree of determination will you fight it?

• If your life and soul depended on it... and you put your fate in to Allah’s hands.. and that determination was backed with the mercy of Allah.. could you succeed? Will you succeed?

6.3.4 Action- Appreciating the Veil Allah provides of our sin

You have sinned. You thought no one was watching but Allah and his angels were present. You committed this shameful act, but yet the mercy of Allah was such that he veiled you sin. You were blissfully unaware of his mercy upon you even though you committed this heinous act.. Ask yourself the following..

• What would have happened if Allah didn’t veil your sin, and you were exposed to family, friends and society as a Homosexual?

• If Allah wished to unveil you and let your family, friends and society know you were a homosexual how could he unveil you?

• If you repeatedly ignored Allah will, and Allah chose to send a calamity or tribulation your way, to unveil your sin and humiliate you what could he do?

• If you used online chat services or personal profile or adverts, could Allah have sent a dangerous, or a diseased individual your way?

• What if you met someone you knew through these methods?

• What if you contracted a disease?

• What if pictures you sent to a prospective partner in sin were leaked to public web pages?

• What if you were indulging in cam sex, and a video clip of you committing a sexual act with yourself or another guy was captured and uploaded on to public sharing sites?

• What if your sexual meets were recorded by your sin- with or without your knowledge and they were leaked on line or sent to a loved one?

• What if those pictures or video clips contained your face?

• What if someone you knew came across them?

• What if a family or friend found homosexual materials, or pictures/ video clips of you; online, in your belongings or on your computer?

• Could you cope with this humiliation and exposure?

• Are you grateful you have been veiled this far?

• What if the next time you commit the act, and Allah chooses to unveil you?

• Repeat this for each time that you remember the sin, do it at Least 5 times and do it progressively quicker each time.

• If needed run as many times as necessary until you are thoroughly sick of the Idea of you doing the sin.

7.0 Maintenance and aiming for perfection – Controlling the nafs

You are taking steps to change, however you must realise that as you change and achieve you must also maintain that level of change and achievement to continue going from strength to strength. By maintaining that spiritual growth you get closer to Allah and his commandments, and in response he grants you the success you hope to achieve.

Be mindful that a person making tawbah and repenting is the biggest insult to Iblees, as Iblees and his shayateen have worked hard to make you sin and to make your nafs get addicted to it. By doing this they no longer have to whisper to you, as your nafs is doing their work for them- and makes you sin of your own accord! By repenting you have destroyed their efforts, Iblees and his shayateen will try their hardest to bring you back to in to their grips, as you are becoming a losing battle for them. A battle which they previously thought they had won. Remain steadfast and seek refuge in Allah and their plots will not affect you.

Renew your tawbah and sincere efforts to remove blemishes from your heart Make dua and zikr. Do it with full conviction and taqwa to avoid procrastination.

Wrong actions occur from the appetites of the heart or nafs which you have become accustomed to. The appetites necessitate wrong actions as they are rooted in your soul, acting on these reinforces and strengthens them. That which shaitaan whispers in your heart, and your heart rejects is a proof of your imaan.

Beware! Shaitaan will make you feel “what is the point? You are hopeless, you keep breaking tawbah” don’t feel hopeless. Replace your sins with the occupation of returning to your tawbah rather than the occupation of committing sin. Tawbah is a devotional act. The best of those who makes a mistake is the one who seeks forgiveness. Stop the internal voice of your nafs now; know that not returning to wrong actions is easier than tawbah.

Don’t argue with shaitaan against his whisperings that will strengthen your appetites by preoccupying your nafs with thoughts of the sin. Just reject the suggestions and turn away from them- preoccupy your mind with something else- do zikr durood, dua. Seek refuge in Allah and don’t entertain the thoughts; when you remember Allah then shaitaan will flee. If you respond to the thought it strengthens the appetite, instead do zikr as it trains the mind to block the thought. Repel the first instance of the thought occurring. Remember, that a seemingly insignificant drop of water, is the beginning of every flood...

The heart is a place of weakness nothing is better than to seek forgiveness to purify it and make it steadfast in its sincere intentions. Once you have purified it you must maintain it. Make dua “oh turner of the hearts, make my heart steadfast in your deen”. “la illaha illa anta subhaanaka inni kuntum minazzaalimeen- dua yunus”

7.0.1 Action- dos and don’ts for maintenance

• Enjoy the sweetness of leaving sin; don’t enjoy the pleasure of the sin in memory.

• Be vigilant about regressing, and stop the thought as soon as it occurs.. Remember that its but a mere drop of water which can lead to a flood- it is better to stop that drop from forming.

• Be mindful of your tawbah and taqwa, remember the firm resolve you made and the reasons for making that resolution.

Regression is due to 3 things, be aware of them and avoid them;

• gaining intimate joy from remembering the sin, even if it is to blame someone- you have closed that chapter no need to revisit it for any reason.

• Procrastinating in actions to overcome the sin; even if this is to allow a thought to reoccur and enjoying that thought.

• Seeking out those who are in a similar tribulation to discuss your sin. This makes you comfortable with it as you find it easy to discuss your sin. It may engender compassion with the other about this sin and make an opening to think of or commit that sin with this person.

If you fail to maintain your tawbah then you risk humiliation and exposure of you sin.

If you turn away from the whisperings 7 times Insha’Allah it will be removed. Allah is merciful because you left that act for the sake of Allah. He won’t punish you for it. Know this because it is true and wonderous, because Allah speaks the truth and leads you to the straight path.

7.1 Allah Has Veiled your Sins

Another important aspect or maintenance is the concept of the veil. Allah provides you with a veil over your sins despite your transgressions. If Allah has veiled your sins then this is also a sign of his mercy as he has not intended for you to be humiliated and exposed. Subhaanallah. You can maintain this veiling of your shame by denying the sin if you are asked about it, or if you are accused of it. Don’t throw yourself to disgrace by discussing your past with others.

7.1.1 Action; Don’t Discuss your past or present sins

You should never discuss your sins and boast as it will;

• lead you to disgrace and self destruction.

• it may make the person justify committing the sin themselves because they start to think that it hasn’t harmed you therefore it won’t harm them i.e. you have done it and ‘survived’;

• Discussing the sin makes you re identify with it, and may even make you visualise and justify it. This may lead to a relapse.

• your sin was committed in secret and you have made tawbah in secrecy, the secret is between you and your creator, and that’s where it should remain because Allah has veiled your transgression from others and saved you from disgrace.. don’t throw yourself in to disgrace.

• Don’t Seeking out those who are in a similar tribulation or discuss your sin with them. This makes you comfortable with it as you find it easy to discuss your sin. It may

engender compassion with the other about this sin and make an opening to think of or commit that sin with this person as you identify with each other’s temptations.

7.2 Striving for Mastery of Your Character through seeking perfection

Perfect your tawbah by not returning to sin, tawbah is worship so aim for perfection in your worship, it is a long journey take it step by step don’t try and get there in one day, but leave open the possibility that if Allah wills he can take you there in a blink of an eye. When you do things don’t let them become mundane but as you repeat an act of worship have the intention to make it more perfect than the last. Don’t settle for proficiency.

There is no limit to perfection and nothing is truly perfect except Allah, we can aspire to perfection, therefore the pursuing perfection is endless as you will always find room for improvement in what you previously thought was perfect.. this is the secret of perfecting your character without arrogance.

Be wary of trying to do too much too soon; don’t jump in to the deep end- but start with the basics, the nafs is easily overwhelmed and can fall in to procrastination and depression. Doing too much too fast can lead to de-motivation and laziness.

The perfection of the nafs and character is through worship and attaining an ever rising level of taqwa. You need to make your nafs humble and pride free in front of your lord. Seek perfection in your worship; know that following the path and commands of Allah is worship. Zikr, dua, salaah, fasting and tawbah are all worship. Doing anything for the sake of Allah and to please him is worship as long as it is lawful and acceptable to him i.e. they are within the guidance of the Quran and sunnah.

Firstly aim to perfect the five pillars of Islam in their actions and commands, aim to perfect them before adding other layer of knowledge and details, i.e. study fiqh- the outward motions and laws and rulings, then add other dimensions such as the spirituality/ tasawuff to attain deeper concentration within your worship, this is all beyond the scope of this book, but start with a basic book on Islam; learn the basics then turn to basic books on fiqh depending on the madhab or school of thought you follow; based on the guidelines of the fiqh turn to studying the sunnah and hadith used to justify the fiqh of that madhab, then turn to the spiritual aspects.. use a logical progression and take one step at a time to avoid overwhelming the nafs by taking on too much and to avoid boredom and procrastination.

To seek perfection you need the following;

• Go in to it in a way your nafs also goes in to it- be organised and spread it over sufficient time

• Don’t pick and choose only the aspects which interest you; force yourself to learn the non interesting aspects to; this trains your nafs to be obedient to you.

• Be balanced in your state of learning; i.e. don’t be excited one day and detracted the next day. Avoid this by giving everything its rank and order. For example when starting something start by mastering the basics don’t get preoccupied with details, once you have mastered the basics then ass the detail one layer at a time in stages, then look at the evidences and proofs and build it over time.

• Preoccupying yourself with the details in the beginning of something makes you overlook the basics and you prevent yourself from mastery.

When studying the deen, or anything you wish to master do the following;

• Study with sheikh- anyone who is better than you at something is your sheikh, study with someone who already has what you want,

• Become a sheikh, when you attained a degree of learning- share your knowledge with others who are at a lower level

• Review your understand with others who are at the same level as you.

By doing this you meet other people who are walking the same path as you and you can, use this opportunity to meet new people and build healthy Islamic friendships and brotherhood with them. Always act with Taqwa and wisdom in whatever you set out to do.

7.2.1 Action – Affirmations

Affirmations are words or phrases which are said over and over to confirm a single thought about yourself. This is the way you have formed negative and positive programming via your nafs throughout your lifetime . If thoughts are repeated, they soon become a belief , and then we think this belief is our reality. This is how same sex attraction became our reality. Since we created these beliefs we can also change them. This is where real freedom comes from.

Focused affirmations are a great way to start your new tomorrows, and maintain focus on your achievements for continued success. Override the internal voice of your nafs and on a regular basis, i.e., daily.

remind yourself;

• I __name__ am a better and happier person now that I have given up same sex Attraction. Subhaan Allah.

• I __name_ will carry on going from strength to strength in controlling my nafs for the sake of Allah, as I have already demonstrated I can do. Insha’Allah.

• I _name_ desire to fulfill my responsibilities to my family, friends and soul to the highest standard I can, and will remain steadfast now and always in the pursuit of seeking the pleasure of Allah. Masha’Allah.

These are just some examples, make your own,, make sure your affirmations are specific (don’t generalise be specific) , in the present tense (change is already happening) and are personal, for example Use ‘I’ and your ‘name’.

Repeat your affirmations daily, say them out loud to yourself, rewrite them, whisper them read them.. make it a habit to remind yourself where you are at, and how you plan to continue.. the idea is to repeat until you become habituated to it and it

becomes rooted in your beliefs. Make a dua that Allah fulfills all your lawful needs in this dunya and the aakhirah.

7.2.3 Dua vs. Affirmations and Dua to Use against SSA

The following is a dua can be used against homosexuality and same sex attraction or any other unlawful sexual indulgence i.e. porn addiction/ masturbation/ unlawful heterosexual relationships.

This dua asks Allah to protect you from the sins which your body and heart may lead you too, As such dua can be used as Affirmations.. Repeated to yourself daily with taqwa; it reminds you; that you are seeking protection from a particular behavior, it reminds you of Allah and reminds you of your firm resolve that you made in your tawbah… notice the wording; it is in the present tense, is personal and specific to the stimulus (mischief) which leads to the spilling of semen i.e. sexual release.

This dua is from Sunan Abu Dawud, it was a dua which was recommended by the prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alayhi wassalam. (see dua appendix; Dua number 71).

Allahumma inni audhu bika min sharri sam'ee, wa min sharri baswaree, wa min sharri lisaanee , wa min sharri qalbee, wa min sharri mani-yee.

8.0 Trouble shooting – drawbacks and relapses- traps of the nafs

Don’t forget that the nafs is cunning and will appeal to your mind and heart using every one of your weaknesses; it will trap you by giving you rational and even irrational suggestions to resist change. It is important to subdue your nafs with logic and remembrance of Allah. Through logic you address your nafs and provide rational reasons as to why you no longer want to behave the way you used to; don’t allow your nafs to rationalise the desire and temptation for illicit sex. Through the remembrance of Allah you reinforce that message and strengthen your taqwa, as well as make Iblees flee from whispering these suggestions in to your heart.

Remember this previous paragraph:

Be mindful that a person making tawbah and repenting is the biggest insult to Iblees, as Iblees and his shayateen have worked hard to make you sin and to make your nafs get addicted to it. By doing this they no longer have to whisper to you, as your nafs is doing their work for them! By repenting you have destroyed their efforts, Iblees and his shayateen will try their hardest to bring you back to in to their grips, as you are becoming a losing battle for them. A battle which they previously thought they had won.

Be Mindful of laziness and procrastination; the way to overcome procrastination is to have a routine and stick to it no matter what. Don’t listen to the nafs ‘i.e. one more won’t hurt/ i'll leave it now and do it later... Don’t you see? The nafs holds you back! Break the pattern.. you control your nafs- your nafs shouldn’t be controlling you..

Be aware of the nafs it works best by pushing you to extremes. In addition to holding you back, it can also do the opposite and overwhelm you by making you do too much or making you try to do more than what is possible; leading to you giving up. Therefore it is important to strike a balance- don’t bite off more than you can chew and enter in to things slowly, taking on just enough that you can handle it. It is better to do less more often than to do a lot less often, as you keep your mind preoccupied and in constant practice. By doing less more often, you can stick to your regime and have time to balance deen and dunya.

Another trap of the nafs is to blind you in the detail.. Don’t become obsessed with the detail, ‘i.e. you can’t see the forest because of the trees! More important than the detail is the sincerity behind it. For example don’t obsess about why you hold your hands in a different position to others when praying, master the basics and hold them where you have been taught to hold them.. it is more important to offer prayer than obsess about where your hands are until you have built the routine and are ready to progressively add layers to perfect your worship, until you get to that stage know that the intention is perfect and to Allah knows your worship is as perfect as you can make it.

If you remember a wrong action do tawbah and let them go. Don’t preoccupy yourself with thoughts of your wrong doing; don’t go in to despair and disgust with yourself. Iblees will whisper to your nafs, and make you preoccupied with your sins and make you think you are hopeless and unworthy of being a servant of Allah; remember the mercy of your lord and seek refuge from the whispers of the devil.

The nafs is resistant to change, it likes the ways and means it is already familiar with.. justify the importance of what you are doing with wisdom and logic.

Check the reasons behind your actions; are you doing it for your own ego? Are you doing it to feel better about yourself or for the sake of Allah? Avoid going in to a state of showing off to others, do everything to please Allah.

Never let wrong actions prevent you from seeking mercy from your lord, as it could be the last sin that you do! You must not think Allah cannot remove your state right now as if you think this; then you have incapacitated the divine power. He can forgive you right now! Ponder your return to Allah and don’t be independent of him.

Don’t get over confident.. Your nafs may make you arrogant and make you think you are invincible after a while of avoiding the sin, you start to think that you have overcome it- the nafs may make you test this by revisiting the places/ situations of sin- Avoid this lest you fall in to temptation! There is no need to revisit the sin just be content that you are no longer committing it. If you are no longer committing it and you don’t intend to commit it then there is no need to test yourself; as you will gain nothing- but risk losing everything. Your sins are like a coal fire, by treating your nafs you have extinguished the fire and the coal appears it is black again, by going back to the conditions of temptation you’ll realise the coal is an ember and the slightest wind makes it glow fiercely, the potential for the fire to re-grow still exists.

The last trap to be aware of is to avoid looking for justifications or dispensations of the sin.. Do not let yourself believe for one second think that the sin may be allowed in Islam. Homosexuality and same sex attraction are not allowed and this has been expressed in the Quran and Hadith explicitly; homosexuality is not compatible with Islam.

Some people have tried to justify these sins as being compatible by deviating meanings and interpreting them in misleading ways by taking them out of context. The internet is littered with such views; avoid these sources of information and approach with extreme caution as the arguments they put forward may appeal to your nafs to relapse in to sin even if they appear illogical or irrational, the nafs by its nature is likely to do things which others do as it puts forward the argument: if they can do it for reason x, y or z so can you. These are nothing but personal opinions of sinners; whose nafs keeps them in sin and by doing so makes them think that by getting others on their bandwagon will suddenly make the sin acceptable. This is an egotistical measure their nafs and shaitaan has compelled them to take in order to drag others down with them to make themselves feel better about themselves. There is no need to look for these arguments as you already have the resources you need to leave this sin. And Allah is the best of guides and source of salvation, Seek refuge in Allah from those who mislead you.

9.0 Conclusion

Success lies in firmly rooting your belief to change against the Reality of Allah, his power over you, his mercy and his love for you; your unconditional love for him and your determination to becoming closer to him. You must believe in the inevitable guarantee that it is to him you will return and your fate upon this earth and beyond death lie with him. You must know that he is the master of creation, but you are the master of your decisions, because he has given you the ability to choose between right and wrong, and this is the basis of all the trials and tribulations he gives you. The choice to choose him is yours. These trials and tribulations are mere signs that he is giving to you the opportunity to turn to him by choosing the right path from this point forth.

You must take the means and Allah will facilitate you and show you the way. Contemplate this beautiful summary I stumbled across on the internet (may Allah bless the author), it captures the sentiments of the one who is seeking guidance, and the promises made by Allah to the one who seeks his pardon;

• I told you: I'm in pain You said: 'Do not despair of the mercy of Allah...' (39:53) • I told you: Nobody knows what is in my heart You said: 'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest' (13:28) • I told you: Many people hurt me You said: 'So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them' (3:159) • I told you: I feel I'm alone You said: 'We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein' (50:16) • I told you: My sins are so many You said: 'And who can forgive sins except Allah?' (3:135) • I told you: Do not leave me You said: 'So remember Me; I will remember you...' (2:152) • I told you: I'm facing a lot of difficulties in life You said: 'And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out' (65:2) • I told you: I have many dreams that I want to come true You said: 'Call upon Me; I will respond to you.' (40:60)

This is a silent and personal struggle that only you can undertake, although you walk this path by yourself, know that you are not alone- Allah is with you. He is always with you.

The goal of this book can be summarized in one statement;

The goal is to have high himma (spiritual aspirations to grow close to Allah via worship) to achieve istikamah (stages of spiritual up righteousness to benefit in the hereafter) through taqwa (fear and love for the creator) by making tawbah (repenting from sin and having absolute resolution to change), so that we can build greater himma therefore achieve higher levels of istikamah.

The goal is to have high himma to achieve istikamah; through taqwa - by making tawbah, so that we can build greater himma therefore achieve higher levels of istikamah.

Tawbah is a continuous process; we can seek forgiveness for committing a sin or omitting an opportunity to do good, in both cases we have missed an opportunity to choose the right path. Making tawbah is a high level of worship as we choose to acknowledge our sins with remorse and return back to Allah’s will, it is the opportunity to seek counsel and mercy from the creator on a one

64 to one basis, allowing us to reflect on our wrong actions and improve ourselves so that we may follow the straight path; siratul mustaqeem.

The basic steps of change covered in this book can be summarized as follows

Step One: Admit that you can't give up.

Step Two: Admit that only Allah can get you out of this.

Step Three: Your life and death are all in Allah's control.

Step Four: Do a self-analysis.

Step Five: Make a specific repentance to Allah.

Step Six: Be open and ready to receive Allah's help to change.

Step Seven: Ask for the removal of faults.

Step Eight: Do a nightly self-evaluation.

Step Nine: Make lots of dua’ (supplication) and increase your taqwa (fear of Allah).

Continue to pray five times a day, seeking closeness to Allah. Seek to be consciousness of Him wherever you are. Increase your reliance on Him to help you with all other matters in your life.

So having made the decision to get out of same sex attraction and leave this evil deep in your past, you have made certain realizations, considerations and reframed some beliefs; you then made tawbah and started your life on a fresh page. You then took the means to change yourself and re identify with Allah through controlling your nafs… now what?

Now you seek perfection in the deen. Learn and apply the basics of Islam, start with Salah (the five daily prayers) Ease yourself in to a routine and maintain it, then start to perfect each movement, learn the significance behind them, learn the tasbihs and duas of salah, learn their meaning, keep taking progressive steps to enhance your knowledge and worship. Research and gain knowledge on other aspects of worship and start to implement them in your life, if necessary start you journey of knowledge form finding out about the five pillars Islam. Start striving to worship your lord perfectly.

Keep striving against the sin of same sex attraction, and soon it will leave you.

Preoccupy yourself with moving forwards and going from strength to strength in you worship, seek to become a practicing Muslim who seeks perfection and does this all for the sake of Allah.

I feel this is a good time to share one of my favourite quotes;

Imam Ghazali Rahmatullahi 'alayh said:

"Knowledge without action is insanity and action without knowledge is vanity."

You have read this book and gained knowledge which; when applied will help you achieve freedom from sin, in particular same sex attraction, this knowledge can save your soul from punishment in the hereafter and enable you to embrace Islam and prepare to face your lord with dignity.. providing you apply that knowledge and act upon it. Continuing to act without this knowledge or choosing to ignore the knowledge and live in sin is an extremely vain thing to do, as you put your egocentric obsessions, addictions and pride in front of the greater good.

This vanity of being ignorant and succumbing to the temptations of your nafs will lead you to the promised punishment of the hell and the grave; wouldn’t you rather have the promise of mercy and love from your creator? Know that this can only be attained through obedience of the All mighty.

Once we sin we tend to go deeper into it and the main reason is that we don’t react properly and we flounder into that sin. When a person succumbs to his nafs it takes a lot of effort to get out of that sinful state so much so that they depressed and as a result feel further distance from Allah. What we need to do is rather than further going into depression and further repeating that sin we should follow that one single sin immediately with an act of ibadaah. Instant tawbah prevents us from going in to despair and reminds us that we have transgressed the will of Allah and we must avoid doing it again… By doing this you close further doors of opportunity for shaitaan to lead you to despair and thus away from Allah.

This sin can be a thing of the past, only if you let it, only if you apply the actions and suggestions to break free with sincere belief in yourself and Allah. The decision is yours, the goal is Allah. May Allah grant you every success with ease, know that with the passage of time it gets easier..

I end this book with a final dua;

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful. All the praises and thanks be to Allah, the Lord of the all that exists. The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful The Only Owner of the Day of Resurrection You (Alone) we worship, and You (Alone) we ask for . Guide us to the Straight Path (Sirat ul Mustaqeem); The Way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, and not in the way of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray. Ameen...

The dua beautifully sums up the ultimate objective of giving up the sin.. You may already know it in Arabic... it is a fundamental dua and surah in Islam, it is surah Fatehah; the opening chapter of the Quran. So recite Surah Fatehah often to remind you of what you are seeking to achieve...

see the appendix for the benefits of Surah Fatehah.

***Please forgive me if I have offended you, it was not my intention to do this, all I sought to do was to be frank and let you explore the reality of your outcomes in this life and the next… please also forgive any spelling or grammatical mistakes; although I have tried everything I can to minimise these some may exist. I wrote this in one go, and didn’t have the opportunity to get someone to proofread as I wished to stay anonymous and keep my struggle silent.

Appendix 1: SELECTED DUAS, DUROODS AND ZIKR FOR THE REPENTER The following are some selected duas in which I found solace and inspiration, they have been taken from Quran, hadith and scholarly works, I have provided the Arabic, transliteration, translation , references and virtues where possible.

Please take time to read them and understand them, and contemplate their meanings and how they relate to your specific situation, or sin. Alhamdullillah, Allah has provided us the guidance and means to turn to him already via the Quran and Sunnah and Hadith.

Commit some to memory, no need to memorise them all unless you wish. Use them when you’re struggling, apply them in your daily life and regime, read them or memorise them when you have spare time or you are overcome with temptation.

It is important to read the meanings, and use them based on how they relate you.. the titles suggest the reasons you can use them for, dua is personal so use them for whatever meaning suits your needs.

There is no specific time to make dua, u can do it anywhere at any time, use them to worship, remember Allah, make zikr at the end of your 5 daily prayers, when you go to bed, when you wake up... use them whenever you need to. Use them for inspiration, say them in your own language, most importantly be sincere and say them like you mean them.

Say them loud, quietly, in your mind, in your heart.. really feel that you are asking Allah for his help, feel the mercy, feel them being accepted. Make the dua, then take the means to pursue what you ask for, Allah will provide you with what is best for you.

I have included duas for finding a spouse and being blessed with children, as these underlie our ultimate goal... they have not been included by mistake..

Remember dua can be made in any language and is personal to you and Allah, amend the duas to suit your needs, or take inspiration from the subjects they cover and make dua for them in your own words.

I hope the duas inspire you as much as they for me. The beauty of these prayers when recited with feeling and true appreciation of the sin is enough to bring tears to your eyes and a lump in your throat as you realise that Allah not only has given you the opportunity to repent, and has not only shown you the way you to repent, but he has also given you the words to repent with! Subhaanallah, such is his majesty that he has broken it down for us in to the smallest of pieces, and yet we failed to recognise his mercy and love for us..

The following is a list of duas to act as index to aid finding duas as they are not in any specific order, I used them regularly and committed most of the short ones to memory. I used to read them at break times at work, during quiet periods of the day, after salaah, or when going to bed, I would read the whole lot at least once a day after isha salah, and the ones I committed to memory I would use throughout the day to fight temptation and despair and guilt... Take some time to read the meanings of them all, and choose the ones that are most relevant to you.. In fact do your own research there are many more authentic duas from the Quran and Sunnah out there, this list is not exhaustive or

67 comprehensive by any means.. Print them and carry them with you, keep them accessible and to hand..

1 DUA FOR RECEIVING GUIDANCE AND FORGIVENESS: 2 DUA OR FORGIVENESS AND PROTECTION FROM HELL FIRE 3 DUA FOR ACCEPTING SIN AND SEEKING REPENTANCE: 4 DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM BEING CLASSED WITH THE SINNERS 5 DUA OR SEEKING FORGIVENESS FOR SELF AND BROTHERS 6 DUA TO RELEIVE BURDEN OF SINS AND TRIALS 7 DUA TO BE GRANTED RIGHTEOUS CHILDREN 8 DUA FOR PATIENCE AND INNER STRENGTH/ WILL POWER 9 DUA FOR SEEKING TO PERFECT THE WORSHIP AND GAIN PIOUS OFFSPRING 10 DUA FOR SEEKING ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF PERSONAL MATTERS AND AFFAIRS 11 DUA AGAINST PUNISHMENT AND BEING OF THE SINNERS 12 DUA FOR SEEKING REUCGE FROM THE WHISPERS OF THE DEVIL TO COMMIT SIN 13 DUA TO KEEP SINNERS AWAY FROM YOU 14 DUA FOR DUA FOR MERCY AND FORGIVENESS 15 DUA FOR PIOUS SPOUSE AND CHILDREN 16 DUA FOR LEAVING AN HONOURABLE LEGACY/ BEING REMEMBERED FOR GOOD THINGS AFTER DEATH 17 DUA FOR SALVATION FROM THE SINNERS/ BEING GROUPED WITH THE SINNERS 18 DUA TO RESIDE BY ALLAH IN JANNAH 19 DUE FOR ANXIETY/ TROUBLES/ STRESS/ HELP 20 DUA FOR SEEKING HELP WHEN OVERWHLEMED/ FEELING HELPLESS 21 AYATUL KURSI- PROTECTION FROM ALL THINGS- VERSE OF THE THRONE 22 DUA FOR HELP / ZIKR 23 DUA AT TIME OF DISTRESS/ SEEKING RESCUE/ HELP 24 DUA FOR BEING OVERCOME BY HARDSHIP/ TRIAL (DUA OF YUNUS) 25 DUA FOR PROTECTION AGAINST MANY TRIALS OF DUNYA 26 DUA TO SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF ALLAH AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF AFFAIRS 27 DUA TO ASK FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN TO YOU 28 DUA FOR BEING BLESSED WITH CHILD/REN 29 VERSE TO PONDER ABOUT GAINING A SPOUSE AND HOW THINGS ARE MADE IN PRAYERS FOR REPRODUCTION/ GLORIYING ALLAHS DESIGN 30 DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM BAD DESTINY / TRIBULATIONS AND CALAMITIES 31 THE BEST DUA FOR REPENTANCE: sayyidul istegfar 32 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE IN ALLAH FROM HEALTH PROBLEMS AND PUNISHMENT AFTER DEATH 33 DUA TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ALLAH IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU AND TO TRUST ALLAH, ALSO NEEDS FULFILLED 34 DUA FOR ASKING THE SECRETS REMAIN CONCEALED 35 DUA FOR PROTECTIONS FROM CALAMITY MORNING TO EVENING 36 DUA TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO ALLAH 37 DUA FOR ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SITUATIONS WE FACE 38 ZIKR FOR THE PLEASURE OF ALLAH AND TO GLORIFY HIM 39 ZIKR TO EXPIATE SINS AND GAIN GOOD DEEDS AND BE PROTECTED FROM SATAN 40 SHORT DUA FOR FORGIVENESS/ ISTEGHFAR 41 SHORT DUA TO SEEK REFUGE FROM ALL HARMS 42 SHORT DURROOD/ METHOD OF SENDING BLESSINGS TOTHE PROHET TO SEEK INTERCESSION ON DAY OF JUDGEMENT 43 SHORT DUA TO SEEK PROTECTION FROM PUNISHMENT ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT 44 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE FROM ALL EVIL

45 DUA TO BE TREATED AS THE PIOUS AND SEEK PROTECTION FROM ALL EVIL 46 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE AND MERCY AND GLORIFY ALLAH 47 DUA TO BE RIGHEOUS AND MAKE QURAN THE GUIDANCE OF THE HEART 48 DUA AGAINST ANXIETY AND DISTRESS 49 DUA AGAINST DISTRESS AND SEEKING ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF OUR AFFAIRS 50 DUA FOR FORGIVENESS AND MERCY 51 DUA FOR REPENTANCE OF PRESENT AND PAST SINS 52 SHORT DUA FOR FORGIVENESS 53 DUA FOR 99 ILLNESSES 54 DUA AGAINST SICKNESS 55 DUROOD/ METHOD OF SENDING BLESSINGS ON THE PROPHET AND 1000 ANGELS MAKE DUA FOR THE RECITER 56 DUA FOR STRESS/ ANXIETY/ TRIALS AND HARDSHIPS 57. SHORT DUA TO MAKE SITUATION EASY 58 SHORT DUA FOR PROTECTION AND MERCY 67. SHORT DUA FOR REFUGE AND BEING RIGHTEOUS 68 SHORT DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM HELL FIRE 69 Asma ul Husna – Use the 99 names of Allah 70 Surah Fatihah

71. DUA AGAINST UNLAWFUL SEXUAL DESIRES , SEXUAL ADDICTIONS, AND SEXUAL HABITS OF THE BODY AND HEART

1 DUA FOR RECEIVING GUIDANCE AND FORGIVENESS:

RABBANÁ LÁ TUZIGH QULUBANÁ BA`DA ‘IDH HADAYTANÁWA HAB LANÁ MIL-LADUNKa RAHMAH; INNAKAANTAL-WAHHÁB . Our Rabb! Do not stray our hearts after granting us guidance and gift us from Your Mercy, Definitely You are the giver of bounties without measure. Al Imran 8

2 DUA OR FORGIVENESS AND PROTECTION FROM HELL FIRE

RABBANÁ ’INNANÁ ’ÁMANNÁ FAGHFIR LANÁ DHUNUBANÁ WAQINÁ `ADHÁBAN-NÁR; “O our Lord surely we have believed; forgive us then our sins; and save us from the torment of the fire.”Al Imran 16

3 DUA FOR ACCEPTING SIN AND SEEKING REPENTANCE :

RABBANÁ ŻALAMNÁ ’ANFUSANÁ: WA ‘ILLAM TAGHFIR-LANA WA TARHAMNÚ LANAKÚNANNA MINAL-KHÁSIRİN. “Our Lord! We have wronged our own souls; and if You do not forgive us and have no mercy upon us, we shall certainly be of the losers.” Al A’raf 23

4 DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM BEING CLASSED WITH THE SINNERS

RABBANÁ LÁ TAJ`ALNÁ MA`AL-QAWMIŻ-ŻÁLIMİN “Our Lord! Place us not with the wrongdoing people.” Al A’raf 47

5 DUA OR SEEKING FORGIVENESS FOR SELF AND BROTHERS

Qala rabbi ighfir lee wali-akhee wa-adkhilna fee rahmatika wa anta arhamurrahimeen

"My Lord, forgive me and my brother and admit us into Your mercy, for You are the most merciful of the merciful." Araf 151 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

6 DUA TO RELEIVE BURDEN OF SINS AND TRIALS

Transliteration La yukallifullahu nafsan illa wusAaha laha ma kasabat waa alayha maktasabat rabbana la tu- akhidhna in naseena aw akhta na rabbana wa la tahmil alayna isran kama hamaltahu a’lalladheena min qablina rabbana wala tuhammilna ma la taqata lana bi hi wafuanna waghfir lana warhamna anta mawlana fansurna alal qawmil kaafireen

Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Suppor-ter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people.

Baqara 286

7 DUA TO BE GRANTED RIGHTEOUS CHILDREN

Transliteration Hunalika da’a zakariyya rabbahu qala rabbi hab lee miladunka dhurriyyatan tayyibatan innaka sameeu ddua

At that time Zakariya (Zachariya) invoked his Lord, saying: "O my Lord! Grant me from You, a good offspring. You are indeed the All-Hearer of invocation. " Imran 3.38 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

8 DUA FOR PATIENCE AND INNER STRENGTH/ WILL POWER

Transliteration Wama tanqimu minnaa illaan amanna bi-ayati rabbina lamma ja-atna rabbana afrigh Alayna sabran watawaffana muslimeen

"And you take vengeance on us only because we believed in the Ayat (proofs, evidences, lessons, signs, etc.) of our Lord when they reached us! Our Lord! pour out on us patience, and cause us to die as Muslims." SAY *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD Araf 126

9 DUA FOR SEEKING TO PERFECT THE WORSHIP AND GAIN PIOUS OFFSPRING

Transliteration Rabbi ijalnee muqeema assalawaati wamin dhurriyyatee rabbana wataqabbal duAAa Muhsin Khan "O my Lord! Make me one who performs As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat), and (also) from my offspring, our Lord! And accept my invocation. Ibrahim 40

10 DUA FOR SEEKING ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF PERSONAL MATTERS AND AFFAIRS

Transliteration Ith awa alfityatu ilaalkahfi faqaloo rabbana atina minladunka rahmatan wahayyi ’lana min amrina rashada

(Remember) when the young men fled for refuge (from their disbelieving folk) to the Cave, they said: " Our Lord! Bestow on us mercy from Yourself, and facilitate for us our affair in the right way!"

Kahf 10 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

11 DUA AGAINST PUNISHMENT AND BEING OF THE SINNERS

Transliteration Rabbi fala tajalnee fIl qawmizzwaalimeen

"My Lord! Then (save me from Your Punishment), and put me not amongst the people who are the Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doing)."

23:94

12 DUA FOR SEEKING REUCGE FROM THE WHISPERS OF THE DEVIL TO COMMIT SIN

Transliteration Waqul rabbi aoothu bika min hamazatish-shayateen And say: " My Lord! I seek refuge with You from the whisperings (suggestions) of the Shayatin (devils).

Mu’minoon 97 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

13 DUA TO KEEP SINNERS AWAY FROM YOU

Transliteration Wa Aoothu bika rabbi anyahduroon "And I seek refuge with You, My Lord! lest they may attend (or come near) me." 23:98

14 DUA FOR DUA FOR MERCY AND FORGIVENESS

Transliteration Waqul rabbighfir warham wa anta khayrur raahimeen And say (O Muhammad SAW): "My Lord! Forgive and have mercy, for You are the Best of those who show mercy!" 23:118 *SAY THE TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

15 DUA FOR PIOUS SPOUSE AND CHILDREN

Transliteration Wallatheena yaqooloona, rabbana hab lana min azwAajina wadhurriyyatina qurrata a’yunin waja’ alna lil amuttaqeena ima-ma

And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqun" 25:74 al furqan *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

16 DUA FOR LEAVING AN HONOURABLE LEGACY/ BEING REMEMBERED FOR GOOD THINGS AFTER DEATH

Transliteration Wajal lee lisana sidqin fil-aakhireen

And grant me an honourable mention in later generations;

26:84

17 DUA FOR SALVATION FROM THE SINNERS/ BEING GROUPED WITH THE SINNERS

Transliteration Fakharaja minha kha-ifanyataraqqabu qala rabbi najjinee mina alqawmi azzwalimeen Muhsin Khan So he escaped from there, looking about in a state of fear. He said: "My Lord! Save me from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doers)!"

28:21 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

18 DUA TO RESIDE BY ALLAH IN JANNAH

Transliteration Wadaraba Allahu mathalan lil latheena amanoo imra ata firawna idh qalat rabbiibni lee indaka baytan Fil jannah. wanajjinee min firawna wa ama lihi wanajjinee mina al qawmi azzalimeen

And Allah has set forth an example for those who believe, the wife of Fir'aun (Pharaoh), when she said: "My Lord! Build for me a home with You in Paradise, and save me from Fir'aun (Pharaoh) and his work, and save me from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, wrong-doers and disbelievers in Allah). 66:11

*SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

19 DUE FOR ANXIETY/ TROUBLES/ STRESS/ HELP

Transliteration Waayyooba ith nadarabbahu AN nee massaniya ad durru wa anta arhamur raAhimeen Muhsin Khan And (remember) Ayub (Job), when he cried to his Lord: "Verily, distress has seized me, and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy." 21:83

*SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD and IN PLACE OF ANNI SAY INNI)

20 DUA FOR SEEKING HELP WHEN OVERWHLEMED/ FEELING HELPLESS

Transliteration Fada’a rabbahu annee maghloobun fantasir

Then he invoked his Lord (saying): "I have been overcome, so help (me)!" *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD AND INSTEAD OF ANNI SAY - Rabbi inni ..

21 AYATUL KURSI- PROTECTION FROM ALL THINGS- VERSE OF THE THRONE

Allahu la ilAaha illahuwal hayyul qayyoomu la ta-khuZhuhusinatun wala nawmn lahu ma fissamaa waati wama fil-ardh man dhalladhee yashfaAu indahu illa bi-idhnih ya’lamu ma bayna aydeehim wama khalfahum wala yuheetoona bishay-immin ilmihi illa bi ma sha-a wasi’a kursiyyuhussamaawaati wal-ard wala yaooduhu hifzhuhuma wahuwal aliyyul azeem

Allah! La ilaha illa Huwa (none has the right to be worshipped but He), the Ever Living, the One Who sustains and protects all that exists. Neither slumber, nor sleep overtake Him. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on earth. Who is he that can intercede with Him except with His Permission? He knows what happens to them (His creatures) in this world, and what will happen to them in the Hereafter . And they will never compass anything of His Knowledge except that which He wills. His Kursi extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them. And He is the Most High, the Most Great. [This Verse 2:255 is called Ayat-ul-Kursi.

22 DUA FOR HELP / ZIKR

Ya rahmaanu aghithni

Oh merciful save me!

Short and sweet.. just repeat to your hearts content.

23 DUA AT TIME OF DISTRESS/ SEEKING RESCUE/ HELP

It is reported of the Prophet (SAW) that if something distressed him he would say:

"Ya hayyu ya qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astagheeth" (At Tirmidhi)

The English meaning is : O' Living (a life not followed by death), O Sustainer, in your Mercy I plead for rescue

24 DUA FOR BEING OVERCOME BY HARDSHIP/ TRIAL (DUA OF YUNUS)

"La ilaha illah an ta, sub hanaka innee kun tu minath-thalimeen" (At-Tirmithi)

The English meaning is: There is no ilah except You, Glorified are Thee, I have been one of the unjust.

"No Muslim ever supplicated Allah with this supplication in any matter at all, except that Allah answered his supplication" (At-Tirmithi) REPEAT IT ABUNDANTLY.

25 DUA FOR PROTECTION AGAINST MANY TRIALS OF DUNYA

Allahumma inni a’udhu bika minal-hammi wal-Ḥuzni wal-’ajazi wal-kasli wal-bukhli wal-jubni wa ḍala’id-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijal.

O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.

26 DUA TO SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF ALLAH AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF AFFAIRS

Transliteration Fasatathkuroona ma aqoolulakum wa Ufaw-widu amree il- Allahi innAllaha baseerum bil ibAad

"And you will remember what I am telling you, and . I leave my affairs to Allah Verily, Allah is the All-Seer of (His) slaves." 40:44 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

27 DUA TO ASK FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN TO YOU

Transliteration Fasaqa lahuma thumma tawallaila aththilli faqala rabbi innee lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer

So he watered (their flocks) for them, then he turned back to shade, and said: " My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good that You bestow on me!" 28:24

28 DUA FOR BEING BLESSED WITH CHILD/REN

Wazakariyya ith nadarabbahu rabbi la tatharnee fardan waanta khayru alwaritheen Muhsin Khan And (remember) Zakariya (Zachariah), when he cried to his Lord: "O My Lord! Leave me not with out an inheritor, though You are the Best of the inheritors." 21:89 *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

29 VERSE TO PONDER ABOUT GAINING A SPOUSE AND HOW THINGS ARE MADE IN PRAYERS FOR REPRODUCTION/ GLORIYING ALLAHS DESIGN

Subhanalladhee khalaqal-azwaja kullaha mimma tumbitul-ardu wa min anfusihim wa mimma la ya’lamoon

Glory be to Him, Who has created all the pairs of that which the earth produces, as well as of their own (human) kind (male and female), and of that which they know not.

36:36

30 DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM BAD DESTINY / TRIBULATIONS AND CALAMITIES

"A'udhu billahi min jahdil bala'i, wa darak ash-shaqaa'i, wa su' al-qada'i, wa shamatat al-a'da'"

I seek refuge with Allah, against any severe trial and bad misfortune, and adverse judgement and the strategies of the enemies."

31 THE BEST DUA FOR REPENTANCE: sayyidul istegfar

اُ أََْ رَ ّ إََِ إِ أََْ، َََِْ وَأََ َُْكَ، وَأََ ََ َِْكَ وَوَِْكَ َ اَََْْ، أَُذُ َِ ِْ َ َ َََْ، أَُءُ ََ ََِِِْ ََ، وَأَُءُ َِِْ َِْ ِ َُِ َ َْ ُِ اُبَ إِ أََْ ". ".

Allaahumma 'Anta Rabbee laa 'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta, khalaqtanee wa 'anaa 'abduka, wa 'anaa 'alaa 'ahdika wa wa'dika mas-tata'tu, 'a'oothu bika min sharri maa sana'tu, 'aboo'u laka bini'matika 'alayya, wa 'aboo'u bithanbee faghfir lee fa'innahu laa yaghfiruth-thunooba 'illaa 'Anta.

O Allah, You are my Lord, there is none worthy of worship but You. You created me and I am your slave. I keep Your covenant, and my pledge to You so far as I am able. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done. I admit to Your blessings upon me, and I admit to my misdeeds. Forgive me, for there is none who may forgive sins but You.

Reference: Whoever recites this with conviction in the evening and dies during that night shall enter Paradise, and whoever recites it with conviction in the morning and dies during that day shall enter Paradise, Al-Bukhari 7/150. Other reports are in An-Nasa'i and At-Tirmithi.

32 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE IN ALLAH FROM HEALTH PROBLEMS AND PUNISHMENT AFTER DEATH

اُّ ـ ِـ ََـ ، اُّـ ِـ َْـ ، اُّـ ِـ ََـي ، إَ إّ أَْـَ . ( ً) اُّـ إِّـ أَـذَُِ َِ اُْـ ، وَاَـْ ، وَأَـذَُِ ِْ َابِ اَـْ ، إَ إّ أَْـَ . ( ً ) )

Allaahumma 'aafinee fee badanee, Allaahumma 'aafinee fee sam'ee, Allaahumma 'aafinee fee basaree, laa 'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta (three times). Allaahumma 'innee 'a'oothu bika minal-kufri, walfaqri, wa 'a'oothu bika min 'athaabil-qabri, laa 'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta. (three times)

O Allah, make me healthy in my body. O Allah, preserve for me my hearing. O Allah, preserve for me my sight. There is none worthy of worship but You . (Recite three times in Arabic.) O Allah , I seek refuge in You from disbelief and poverty and I seek refuge in You from the punishment of the grave . There is none worthy of worship but You. (Recite three times in Arabic.)

33 DUA TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ALLAH IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU AND TO TRUST ALLAH, ALSO NEEDS FULFILLED

" ََِْ اُ َ إََِ إِ هَُ ََِْ ََآُْ وَهَُ رَب اَْْشِ اَِِْ ". ".

Hasbiyallaahu laa ‘ilaaha ‘illaa Huwa ‘alayhi tawakkaltu wa Huwa Rabbul-‘Arshil- ‘Adheem .

Allah is sufficient for me . There is none worthy of worship but Him . I have placed my trust in Him, He is Lord of the Majestic Throne . (Recite seven times in Arabic .)

Reference: Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next, Ibn As-Sunni (no. 71), Abu Dawud 4/321. Both reports are attributed directly to the Prophet j§ (Marfu1). The chain of transmission is sound (Sahih). Ibn As-Sunni.

34 DUA FOR ASKING THE SECRETS REMAIN CONCEALED

اُ إِ أَََُْ اََْْ وَاَََِْ ِ اَْ وَاَِْةِ، اُ إِ أَََُْ اََْْ وَاَََِْ ِ دِِ وَدَُْيَ وَأَهِْ، وََِ، اُ اُْْ َْرَاِ، وَِْ رَوَِْ، اُ اَِْْ ِْ َِْ ََي، وَِْ َِْ، وََْ َِِ، وََْ َِِ، وَِْ َِْ، وَأَُذُ ََََِِ أَنْ أَُْلَ ِْ َِْ ". ".

Allaahumma 'innee 'as'alukal-'afwa wal'aafiyata fid-dunyaa wal'aakhirati, Allaahumma 'innee 'as'alukal-'afwa wal'aafiyata fee deenee wa dunyaaya wa 'ahlee, wa maalee , Allaahum-mastur 'awraatee, wa 'aamin raw'aatee, Allaahum- mahfadhnee min bayni yadayya, wa min khalfee, wa 'an yameenee, wa 'an shimaalee, wa min fawqee, wa 'a'oothu bi'adhamatika 'an 'ughtaala min tahtee.

O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in this world and the next. O Allah, I seek Your forgiveness and Your protection in my religion, in my worldly affairs, in my family and in my wealth. O Allah, conceal my secrets and preserve me from anguish . O Allah , guard me from what is in front of me and behind me , from my left , and from my right , and from above me . I seek refuge in Your Greatness from being struck down from beneath me.

Reference: Sahih Ibn Majah 2/332 and Abu Dawud.

35 DUA FOR PROTECTIONS FROM CALAMITY MORNING TO EVENING

" ِِْ اِ اِي َ َُ ََ اِِْ َْءٌ ِ اَْرْضِ وََ ِ اَءِ وَهَُ اُِ اَُِْ ". ".

. Bismillaahil-lathee laa yadhurru ma'as-mihi shay'un fil-'ardhi wa laa fis-samaa'i wa Huwas-Samee 'ul- 'Aleem .

In the Name of Allah, Who with His Name nothing can cause harm in the earth nor in the heavens, and He is the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing. (Recite three times in Arabic).

Reference: "Whoever recites it three times in the morning will not be afflicted by any calamity before evening, and whoever recites it three times in the evening will not be overtaken by any calamity before morning." Abu Dawud 4/323, At-Tirmithi 5/465, Ibn Majah 2/332, Ahmad. Ibn Majah's chain of transmission is good (Hasan), Ibn Baz, p. 39.

36 DUA TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO ALLAH

" رَُِ ِ رًَ، وََِِْْمِ دًِ، وٍََُِ ََ اُ َِِ وَََ ًَِ ". ".

Radheetu billaahi Rabban, wa bil-'Islaami deenan, wa bi-Muhammadin (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallama) Nabiyyan.

I am pleased with Allah as my Lord, with Islam as my religion and with Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) as my Prophet. (Recite three times in Arabic .)

Reference: "Allah has promised that anyone who says this three times every morning or evening will be pleased on the Day of Resurrection." Ahmad 4/ 337, An-Nasa'i, 'Amalul-Yawm wal-Laylah p. 4, Ibn As-Sunni (no. 68), At-Tirmithi 5/465. Its chain of transmission is good (Hasan), Ibn Baz, p. 39.

37 DUA FOR ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SITUATIONS WE FACE

" َ َ َ َمُ َََِِْ أََُِْ أَِْْ ِ َِْ آُُ وََ َِِْ إَِ َِْ َََْ ٍَْ ". ".

Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoomu birahmatika 'astagheethu 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu wa laa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin.

O Ever Living One, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I call on You to set right all my affairs. Do not place me in charge of my soul even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment).

Reference: Its chain of transmission is sound (Sahih), Al-Hakim 1/545, see Albani, Sahihut- Targhib wat-Tarhib, 1/273.

38 ZIKR FOR THE PLEASURE OF ALLAH AND TO GLORIFY HIM

" َُْنَ اِ وََِِِْ ". ".

Subhaanallaahi wa bihamdihi.

Glory is to Allah and praise is to Him. (Recite one hundred times in Arabic ).

Reference: "Whoever recites this one hundred times in the morning and in the evening will not be surpassed on the Day of Resurrection by anyone having done better than this except for someone who had recited it more. " Al-Bukhari 4/2071.

39 ZIKR TO EXPIATE SINS AND GAIN GOOD DEEDS AND BE PROTECTED FROM SATAN

" َ إََِ إِ اُ وََُْ َ ََِ َُ، َُ اْ ُُْ وََُ اَُْْ، وَهَُ ََ آُ َْءٍ ٌَِ ". ".

Laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu wahdahu laa shareeka lahu, lahul-mulku wa lahul-hamdu, wa Huwa 'alaa kulli shay'in Qadeer.

None has the right to be worshipped but Allah alone, Who has no partner. His is the dominion and His is the praise and He is Able to do all things . (Recite ten times 1 in Arabic or one time to ward off laziness.) 2

Reference: Abu Hurayrah «fe narrated that the Prophet j§ said: "Allah will write one hundred Hasanat for whoever says There is no God but Allah alone, He has no partner. To Allah is possession of everything, and to Him all praise is. He is Capable of all things' ten times in the morning, and forgive him one hundred misdeeds. He will have the reward of freeing a slave and will be protected from Satan throughout the day unto dusk. Whoever says it in the evening will have the same reward." Ahmad 8/704, 16/293. Its chain of transmission is good (Hasan), Ibn Baz, p. 44.

40 SHORT DUA FOR FORGIVENESS/ ISTEGHFAR

" أََُِْْ َا وَأَُبُ إَِِْ ". ".

'Astaghfirullaaha wa 'atoobu 'ilayhi.

I seek the forgiveness of Allah and repent to Him. (Recite one hundred times in Arabic during the day .)

Reference: Al-Bukhari, cf. Al-Asqalani, Fathul-Bari 11/101, Muslim 4/2075.

41 SHORT DUA TO SEEK REFUGE FROM ALL HARMS

" أَُذُ ََِِتِ اِ اتِ ِْ َ َ َََ ". ".

'A'oothu bikalimaatil-laahit-taammaati min sharri maa khalaqa.

I seek refuge in the Perfect Words of Allah from the evil of what He has created. (Recite three times in Arabic in the evening .)

Reference: Whoever recites this three times in the evening will be protected from insect stings, Ahmad 2/ 290, An-Nasa'i, 'Amalul-Yawm wal-Laylah no. 590, At-Tirmithi 3/187, Ibn As-Sunni no. 68. According to Al-Albani, Ibn Majah's (2/266) chain of transmission is sound (Sahih), and following Ibn Baz 45, At-Tirmithi's report is good (Hasan).

42 SHORT DURROOD/ METHOD OF SENDING BLESSINGS TOTHE PROHET TO SEEK INTERCESSION ON DAY OF JUDGEMENT

" اُ َ وََْ ََ ََِ ٍَُ ".

Allahumma salli wa sallim 'alaa nabiyyinaa Muhammadin

Oh Allah, we ask you for peace and blessings upon our prophet Muhammad (Recite ten times in Arabic)

Reference: The prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Who recites blessings upon me 10 times in the morning and 10 times in the evening will obtain my intercession on the Day of Resurrection." At-Tabrani reported this Hadith together with two chain of transmissions. One of them is reliable (Jayyid). See Haithami's Majma' Az-Zawa'id 10/120, and Al-Albani's Sahih At-Targhib Wat-Tarhib 1/273

43 SHORT DUA TO SEEK PROTECTION FROM PUNISHMENT ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT

اُ ِِ ََاََ َْمَ ََُْ َِدَكَ ". ".

Allaahumma qinee 'athaabaka yawma tab'athu 'ibaadaka.

O Allah, 1 save me from Your punishment on the Day that You resurrect Your slaves. (Recite three times in Arabic .) 2

Reference: 1 "When the Prophet (SAW) wanted to lie down to sleep, he used to place his right hand under his cheek and say..." 2 Abu Dawud 4/311. See also Al-Albani, Sahih At-Tirmithi 3/143.

44 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE FROM ALL EVIL

" اُ رَب اَوَاتِ اِْ وَرَب اَْْشِ اَِِْ، رََ وَرَب آُ َْءٍ، ََِ اَْ وَاَى، وَُِْلَ اْرَاةِ وَاِِِْ، وَاَُْْنِ، أَُذُ َِ ِْ َ آُ َْءٍ أَّْ ٌِ ََِِِ . اُ أََْ اَولُ َََْ َََْ َْءٌ، وَ أََْ اُِْ َََْ ََْكَ َْءٌ، وَأََْ اهُِ َََْ َََْ َْءٌ، وَأََْ اَُِْ َََْ دُوََ َْءٌ، اِْ َ اَْ وَأََِْ َِ اَِْْ ". ".

Allaahumma Rabbas-samaawaatis-sab'i wa Rabbal-'Arshil-'Adheem, Rabbanaa wa Rabba kulli shay 'in, faaliqal-habbi wannawaa , wa munzilat-Tawraati wal-'Injeeli, wal-Furqaani, 'a'oothu bika min sharri kulli shay 'in 'Anta 'aakhithun binaasiyatihi. Allaahumma 'Antal-'Awwalu falaysa qablaka shay'un, wa 'Antal-'Aakhiru falaysa ba'daka shay'un, wa 'Antadh-Dhaahiru falaysa fawqaka shay'un, wa 'Antal-Baatinu falaysa doonaka shay'un, iqdhi 'annad-dayna wa 'aghninaa minal-faqri.

O Allah! Lord of the seven heavens and Lord of the Magnificent Throne . Our Lord and the Lord of everything . Splitter of the grain and the date-stone , Revealer of the Torah and the Injeel 1 and the Furqdn (the Qur'an), I seek refuge in You from the evil of everything that You shall seize by the forelock.2 O Allah You are the First and nothing has come before you, and You are the Last, and nothing may come after You. You are the Most High, nothing is above You and You are the Most Near and nothing is nearer than You. Remove our debts from us and enrich us against poverty. 3

45 DUA TO BE TREATED AS THE PIOUS AND SEEK PROTECTION FROM ALL EVIL

" اُ اهِِْ َِْ هَََْ، وََِِ َِْ َََْ، وَََِ َِْ َََْ، وََرِكْ ِ َِ أَََْ، وَِِ َ َ َََْ، ََِ َِْ وََ َُْ َََْ، إُِ َ َِل َْ وَاََْ، [ وََ َِ َْ َدََْ]، ََرَآَْ رََ وَََََْ ". ".

Allaahum-mahdinee feeman hadayta, wa 'aafinee feeman 'aafayta, wa tawallanee feeman tawallayta, wa baarik lee feemaa 'a'atayta, wa qinee sharra maa qadhayta, fa'innaka taqdhee wa laa yuqdhaa 'alayka, 'innahu laa yathillu man waalayta, [wa laa ya 'izzu man 'aadayta] , tabaarakta Rabbanaa wa ta'aalayta.

O Allah , guide me with those whom You have guided , and strengthen me with those whom You have given strength. Take me to Your care with those whom You have taken to Your care. Bless me in what You have given me. Protect me from the evil You have ordained. Surely, You command and are not commanded, and none whom You have committed to Your care shall be humiliated [and none whom You have taken as an enemy shall taste glory] . You are Blessed , Our Lord , and Exalted.

Reference: Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah, An-Nasa'i, At-Tirmithi, Ahmad, Ad-Darimi, Al-Hakim, and Al- Bayhaqi. See also Al-Albani, Sahih At-Tirmithi 1/144, Sahih Ibn Majah 1/194, and 'Irwa'ul-GhaW. 2/ 172.

46 DUA TO SEEK REFUGE AND MERCY AND GLORIFY ALLAH

" اُ إِ أَُذُ َِِكَ َْ َََِ، وََََُِِ ِْ ََُُِ، وأَُذُ َِ َِْ، َ أُِْ ََءً َََْ، أََْ آََ أَََْْ ََ ََِْ ". ".

Allaahumma 'innee 'a'oothu biridhaaka rain sakhatika, wa bimu'aafaatika min 'uqoobatika, wa 'a'oothu bika minka, laa 'uhsee thanaa'an 'alayka, 'Anta kamaa 'athnayta 'alaa nafsika.

O Allah , I seek refuge with Your Pleasure from Your anger . I seek refuge in Your forgiveness from Your punishment . I seek refuge in You from You . I cannot count Your praises , You are as You have praised Yourself.

Reference: Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah, An-Nasa'i, At-Tirmithi, Ahmad. See Al-Albani, Sahih At- Tirmithi 3/180, Sahih Ibn Majah 1/194, and 'Irwa'ul-Ghalil.

47 DUA TO BE RIGHTEOUS AND MAKE QURAN THE GUIDANCE OF THE HEART

Allaahumma 'innee 'abduka, ibnu 'abdika, ibnu 'amatika, naasiyatee biyadika, maadhin fiyya hukmuka, 'adlun fiyya qadhaa'uka, 'as'aluka bikulli ismin huwa laka, sammayta bihi nafsaka, 'aw 'anzaltahu fee kitaabika, 'aw 'allamtahu 'ahadan min khalqika, 'awista'tharta bihi fee 'ilmil-ghaybi 'indaka, 'an taj'alal-Qur'aana rabee'a qalbee, wa noora sadree, wa jalaa'a huznee, wa thahaaba hammee .

O Allah, I am Your slave and the son of Your male slave and the son of your female slave . My forehead is in Your Hand (i.e. you have control over me) . Your Judgment upon me is assured and Your Decree concerning me is just . I ask You by every Name that You have named Yourself with , revealed in Your Book , taught any one of Your creation or kept unto Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You , to make the Qur'an the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress.

Reference: Ahmad 1/391, and Al-Albani graded it authentic.

48 DUA AGAINST ANXIETY AND DISTRESS

Laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahul-'Adheemul-Haleem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbul-'Arshil- 'Adheem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbus-samaawaati wa Rabbul-'ardhi wa Rabbul- 'Arshil-Kareem .

There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty, the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the Noble Throne.

Reference: Al-Bukhari 8/154, Muslim 4/2092

49 DUA AGAINST DISTRESS AND SEEKING ALLAH TO TAKE CARE OF OUR AFFAIR S

Allaahumma rahmataka 'arjoo falaa takilnee 'ilaa nafsee tarfata 'aynin, wa 'aslih lee sha'nee kullahu, laa'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta.

O Allah , I hope for Your mercy . Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment) . Correct all of my affairs for me . There is none worthy of worship but You.

Reference: Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.

50 DUA FOR FORGIVENESS AND MERCY

" اُ إِ ََُْ َِْ ًُْ آَِاً، وََ َُِْ اُبَ إِ أََْ، َِْْ ِ ََِْةً ِْ ِِْكَ وَارَِْْ إَِ أََْ اَُْرُ اُِ ". ".

Allaahumma 'innee dhalamtu nafsee dhulman katheeran, wa laa yaghfiruth- thunooba 'illaa 'Anta, faghfir lee maghfiratan min 'indika warhamnee 'innaka 'Antal- Ghafoorur-Raheem.

O Allah, I have greatly wronged myself and no one forgives sins but You. So, grant me forgiveness and have mercy on me. Surely, you are Forgiving, Merciful.

Reference: Al-Bukhari 8/168, Muslim 4/2078.

51 DUA FOR REPENTANCE OF PRESENT AND PAST SINS

Allaahum-maghfir lee maa qaddamtu, wa maa 'akhkhartu, wa maa 'asrartu, wa maa 'a'lantu, wa maa 'asraftu, wa maa 'Anta 'a'lamu bihi minnee. 'Antal-Muqaddimu, wa 'Antal-Mu'akhkhiru laa 'ilaaha 'illaa 'Anta.

O Allah, forgive me what I have sent before me and what I have left behind me, what I have concealed and what I have done openly, what I have done in excess , and what You are better aware of than I . You are the One Who sends forth and You are the One Who delays . There is none worthy of worship but You.

Reference: Muslim 1/534.

52 SHORT DUA FOR FORGIVENESS

" أََُِْْ اَ ( ًََ times 3 ) اُ أََْ اَمُ وََِْ اَمُ، ََرَآَْ َ ذَا اََْلِ وَاِْآَْامِ ". ".

'Astaghfirullaaha Allaahumma 'Antas-Salaamu wa minkas-salaamu, tabaarakta yaa Thal-Jalaali wal-'Ikraam.

I seek the forgiveness of Allah (three times) . O Allah, You are Peace and from You comes peace . Blessed are You , O Owner of majesty and honor.

53 DUA FOR 99 ILLNESSES

- La Hawla wa la Quwatta illa Billah (There is no Might or Power except with Allah)

[the above is] a treasure from the treasures of Paradise. [7] REPEAT ABUNDANTLY

54 DUA AGAINST SICKNESS

Adh-hib al-ba’s Rabb an-Nas ishfi anta ash-Shafi la shifa’a illa shifa’uka shifa’an la yughadiru saqaman (Remove the harm, O Lord of mankind, and heal, You are the Healer. There is no healing but Yours, a healing which leaves no disease behind.’” (Reported by Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah)

55 DUROOD/ METHOD OF SENDING BLESSINGS ON THE PROPHET AND 1000 ANGELS MAKE DUA FOR THE RECITER

Hazrat Abdullah ibn Abbas (radi Allahu anhu), a companion of the Holy Prophet (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam), says that Sayyiduna Rasoolullah (sallal laahu alaihi wasallam) said that if a man recites the following Durood Shareef once, then for the coming 1 000 days the Angels of Allah Ta'ala will be busy in writing reward for the reciter of this Durood. This Durood Shareef is a very rewarding one. By reciting it only once, the Angels go on writing good deeds in the account sheet of the reciter for full 1 000 days. What a great reward and what a great return?

JAZ-ALLAHU ANNA SYEDINA MUHAMMADAN SAL-LAL-LAHU-ALAIHI WA SALLAM MA HUWA AH-LAHU.

"O Allah! Give reward to our Hazrat Muhammad the reward which is benefitting as he deserves

56 DUA FOR STRESS/ ANXIETY/ TRIALS AND HARDSHIPS

Allatheena qala lahumu annasuinna annasa qad jamaAAoo lakum fakhshawhumfazadahum eemanan waqaloo hasbunaAllahu waniAAma alwakeel Muhsin Khan Those (i.e. believers) unto whom the people (hypocrites) said, "Verily, the people (pagans) have gathered against you (a great army), therefore, fear them." But it (only) increased them in Faith, and they said: "Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us)." *SAY THE ARABIC TRANSLITERATION IN BOLD

57. SHORT DUA TO MAKE SITUATION EASY

Allahumma Yassir lană 'umŭrană ma'a r-răhata li qulŭbină wa abdănină. Oh my Allah! Make easy for us our situation with rest for our hearts and our bodies..

58 SHORT DUA FOR PROTECTION AND MERCY

Fă-llahu khayrun hăfizan wa huwa arhamu r-răhimîn (3x). "And Allah is the Best Protector and He is the Most Merciful Bestower of Mercy" (Quran 12:92).

67. SHORT DUA FOR REFUGE AND BEING RIGHTEOUS

Inna waliyya-llahu l-ladhî nazzala l-kităba, wa huwa yatawallă s-sălihîn (3x). "Truly my Protector is Allah who sent down The Book and He protects the Righteous" (Quran 7:196)

68 SHORT DUA FOR PROTECTION FROM HELL FIRE

Allahumma ajirni min an-naar O Allah! Save me from the fire.

69 Asma ul Husna – Use the 99 names of Allah

Use the 99 names of Allah, look at their meanings and call upon Allah with his most appropriate name, chant them as a zikr, learn their meaning and see the beauty within them, learn about the most beautiful characteristics of the lord which can benefit you.. use them in your duas. See Appendix 2; to find a list of the 99 beautiful

names and how to use them in dua. Why don’t you revisit the chapter on understanding Allah’s Mercy (pg 22), and start with the beautiful names and characteristics of mercy mentioned there?

70 Use Recite Surah Fatehah (first chapter of the Quran) Abundantly

It is a cure for the diseases of the heart..

Transliteration English Translation A'uzu billahi minashaitanir rajim I seek refuge in Allah from the outcast Satan Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful 'Al-Hamdu lillahi Rabbil-'Aalamin (1:1) Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds,(1:1) 'Ar-Rahmaanir-Rahiim (1:2) The Beneficent, the Merciful.(1:2) Maaliki Yawmid-Diin; (1:3) Owner of the Day of Judgement.(1:3) 'Iyyaaka na'-budu wa 'iyyaaka nasta- Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help. (1:4) 'iin.(1:4) 'Ihdinas-Siraatal-Mustaqiim- (1:5) Show us the straight path,(1:5) Siraatal-laziina 'an-'amta 'alay him- (1:6) The path of those whom Thou hast favoured; (1:6) Gayril-magzuubi 'alay him wa laz-zaaalliin. Not (the path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those (1:7) who go astray. (1:7)

71. DUA AGAINST UNLAWFUL SEXUAL DESIRES , SEXUAL ADDICTIONS, AND SEXUAL HABITS OF THE BODY AND HEART

Allahumma inni audhu bika min sharri sam'ee, wa min sharri baswaree, wa min sharri lisaanee , wa min sharri qalbee, wa min sharri mani-yee.

Appendix 2: Best time for Dua, how to make Dua and Etiquettes of Dua, And calling on Allah with his 99 names

Best Times to make Dua

There are certain times dua (supplication) is more likely to be Accepted by Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) as mentioned by Prophet (salAllahu Alayhi wasalam). These times are as follows:

1. The Last Third Of The Night [at-Tirmidhi, an-Nasa’i, al-Hakim - Sahih] 2. Late At Night [Muslim #757] 3. Between Adhan and Iqamah [Ahmad, abu Dawud #521, at-Tirmidhi #212, Sahih al-Jami #3408, an-Nasai and Ibn Hibban graded it sahih (sound)] 4. An Hour On Friday [Sahih al-Bukhari] 5. While Drinking Zamzam Water ‘Zamzam water is for what it is drunk for.’ [Ahmad 3: 357 and Ibn Majah #3062] 6. While Prostrating Abu Hurairah (radiAllahu anhu) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (salAllahu alayhi wasalam), said: ‘The nearest a slave can be to his Lord is when he is prostrating, so invoke (supplicate) Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) much in it. [Muslim, abu Dawud, an-Nasa’i and others, Sahih al-Jami #1175] 7. When Waking Up At Night [Sahih al-Bukhari] 8. At The End Of The Obligatory Salat) [at-Tirmidhi] This time is after saying ‘At-tahyat’ , and before making Tasleem (finishing prayer) 9. The Night Of ‘Qadr’ (Decree) This night is the greatest night of the year. This is the night which the almighty Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) said about it, “The night of Al-Qadar (Decree) is better than a thousand months.” [Surah al-Qadr, 97: 3] 10. During The RainTwo will not be rejected, Supplication when the Adhan (call of prayer) is being called, and at the time of the rain’. [Al-Hakim 2: 114, and Abu Dawud #2540, ibn Majah] 11. At The Adhan 12. The One Who Is Suffering Injustice And Opression [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhi -Hasan]. 13. The Traveler[al-Bayhaqi, at-Tirmidhi - Sahih] 14. The Parent’s Supplication For Their ChilD[al-Bayhaqi, at-Tirmidhi - Sahih] 15. Dua After Praising Allah And Giving Salat On The Prophet (Salallahu Alayhi Wasalam) in the tashahhud at the end of salat. [at-Tirmidhi #593 - hasan, Mishkat al-Misbah #931] 16. The dua of a Muslim for his absent brother or Sister Muslim [Muslim] 17. Dua on the Day of Arafat. [at-Tirmidhi and Malik] 18. Dua during the month of Ramadan [Sahih al-Bukhari #1899, Muslim #1079 and others] 19. Dua when the Armies meet [abu Dawud #2540, ibn Majah, al-Hakim]

20. When Muslims gather for the purpose of invoking and remembering [Muslim] 21. First Ten days of Dhul-Hijjah [Sahih al-Bukhai #969 and others] 22. Dua when the heart reaches out to Allah and is ready to be totally sincere 23. At Midnight [at-Tirmidhi - Hasan] 25. Dua of people after the death of a person [Muslim, abu Dawud, Ahmad] 26. Dua of the one fasting until he breaks his fast [al-Bayhaqi, at-Tirmidhi - Sahih] 27. Dua of the one fasting at the time of breaking fast’[Ahmad, at-Tirmidhi - Hasan] 29. Dua of a just Ruler’ [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhi - Hasan] “

How to make dua Begin with Bismillah

A Hadith of the Holy Prophet(S) says: No dua which has Basmalah (saying of Bismillahir Rahmaneer Raheem) at the beginning of it is rejected. A dua should begin in the name of Allah, putting all trust and hope in Him alone. Describing Him as Kind and Merciful creates confidence that the dua will not be rejected. Send Blessings on Muhammad(S) and his Family(A) A Hadith of the 6th Imam(A), Imam Ja’far Ibn Muhammad as-Sadiq(A) says: Whoever has a wish he wants Allah to fulfill, let him begin with blessings on Muhammad(S) and his Family(A), then let him ask his wish, and end by sending blessings on Muhammad(S) and his Family(A). Allah is nobler than to accept the first and the last (the blessings) and reject the middle. Salawat is a dua for the Holy Prophet(S) and his Family(A). Whoever includes that dua is assured of the acceptance of his dua for himself.

Praise and Glorify Allah Every Dua should begin with the praise of Allah, the recognition that He alone has the Power and Might over everything. A supplicant increases in his humility as he acknowledges the greatness of the Almighty. He realizes that everything is in the control of God, and if He wishes, the dua can be accepted and answered immediately.

Acknowledgement of Sins When supplicating to Allah, one should be aware of and confess that one is a sinner, undeserving of the favor of Allah. Humility and apprehensiveness are commendable qualities in the one who supplicates.

Pray emotionally Allah says in Hadith Qudsi to Nabi Isa(A) (Prophet Jesus(A) son of Mary(A)): O Isa! When you ask from me, supplicate to me the supplication of the grief stricken, the overwhelmed, the one who has no helper . . . and do not supplicate to Me except in an emotional

state. Your grief should be only one. Whenever you pray to Me in such a way, I shall answer you. A soft heart and tears are the best weapons of a human being in his quest to achieve nearness to Allah. When one prays emotionally, the Dua is very sincere and acceptance is assured.

Pray for others Whoever prays for others pleases the Almighty greatly. A Hadith of our 5th Imam(A), Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (A) says:

Nothing is more swiftly answered than a Dua recited for others. According to the Holy Prophet(S), the Dua of a believer for other believers is returned to him as many times as the number of believing men and women from the beginning of creation to the Day of Judgement. Have confidence that Allah will answer your Prayers

When praying, the supplicant must have trust that Allah will answer his prayers. A Hadith says, Whenever you recite Dua, assume that what you need is at the door.

ettiquettes of Dua from Hadith

The forthcoming etiquettes have been narrated in the Ahadith of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam). Compliance with these etiquettes is the key to success. However, if a person is unable to adhere to all or part of these etiquettes, he should on no account relinquish making Dua altogether. In fact, Dua is beneficial under all circumstances and there is always hope of Allah Ta’aala accepting the Dua.

These etiquettes are narrated in the Hadith.

1. To abstain from haraam food, clothing and earnings. (Muslim, Tirmizi)

2. To make Dua with sincerity. In other words, one should firmly believe that nobody but Allah

Ta’aala will fulfil his objectives. (Haakim)

3. One should perform a good deed prior to making the Dua and one should mention this during

the course of the Dua. For eg. He should say, O Allah! I had performed so and so deed solely for

Your pleasure. O Allah! accept my Dua due to the barkat of that deed. (Muslim, Tirmizi, Abu

Daud).

4. To make Dua whilst one is paak and clean. (Tirmizi, Abu Daud, Ibne Majah, Nasai, Ibne Hibbaan,

Mustadrak).

5. To make wudhu before the Dua. (Sihah-Sittah)

6. To face the Qiblah. (Sihah-Sittah)

7. To sit as in the Tashahhud position. (Abu Awanah)

8. To praise Allah Ta’aala at the beginning as well as at the end of Dua. (Sihah-Sittah)

9. To convey Durood upon Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam ) at the beginning as well as the

end. (Abu Daud, Musnade-Ahmad)

10. To spread out both the hands. (Tirmizi, Mustadrak)

11. To raise both the hands chest height

12. To sit with humility and respect. (Muslim, Abu Daud, Tirmizi, Abu Daud)

13. To mention one’s helplessness and dependence. (Tirmizi)

14. To abstain from raising the eyes towards the sky whilst making Dua. (Muslim)

15. To mention the Asmaaul-Husnaa (the 99 names of Allah Ta’aala ) and the sublime qualities of

Allah Ta’aala. (Ibne Hibbaan and Mustadrak)

16. To abstain from ceremonious rhyming of the Dua phrases. (Bukhari)

17. To abstain from saying the Dua in a singing tone if the Dua is in a poetic form. (Hisn)

18. To make the Dua in a soft voice (Sihah-Sittah on the authority of Abu Musa)

19. To utter the Dua phrases transcribed from Rasulullah Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam because

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) didn’t leave out a single need of the Deen nor of the

dunya whilst teaching us how to make Dua. (Abu Daud/Nasai)

20. To make a Dua that encompasses most of the needs of Deen and the dunya. (Abu Daud)

21. To make Dua in favour of oneself first, thereafter one’s parents and to include the other Muslims

in the Dua as well. (Muslim)

22. If the Imam is making Dua, he should not make Dua for himself only but he should include all the

congregants in the Dua. (Abu Daud, Tirmizi, Ibne Majah)

23. Abu Daud (R.A.) narrates that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said that the Imam who

makes Dua for himself only, has betrayed the people. In other words, the Imam should not

make a Dua that is restricted to him alone. For eg. He should not say, “O Allah! cure my son.” or

“O Allah! return my lost item.” etc. but he should make a Dua that includes all the congregants.

He may say: “O Allah! Forgive us and have mercy upon us.”

24. To make Dua with firm conviction (eg. he should not say: “O Allah! If you wish

25. fulfil so and so task of mine.” (Sihah-Sittah)

26. To make Dua with enthusiasm and yearning. (Ibne Hibbn and Abu Awana).

27. As far as possible endeavour to bring about a“presence of heart and mind” and cherish a high

hope of the Dua being accepted.(Haakim)

28. To make Dua repeatedly. (Bukhari, Muslim)

29. This repetition should be at least thrice. (Abu Daud).Note: One may repeat the Dua thrice in one

sitting or one may repeat it on three different occasions. The “repetition of the Dua” can be

interpreted in both ways.

30. To make Dua earnestly and insistently. (Nasai, Hakim, Abu Awanah)

31. To abstain from making Dua of severing family ties or other sins. (Muslim, Tirmizi)

32. Avoid making Duas of pre-determined and fixed things (eg. a woman should not make a Dua of

being transformed into a man or a tall person shouldn’t make Dua thus: “O Allah! Make me

short.” etc.) (Nasai).

33. Don’t make Dua for impossible things. (Bukhari)

34. Don’t make a Dua in which you ask Allah Ta’aala to confine His mercy to yourself only. (Bukhari,

Abu Daud, Nasai, ibne Majah)

35. Ask only Allah Ta’aala alone for all your needs. Do not depend upon His creation. (Tirmizi, Ibne

Hibbaan)

36. The one making the Dua as well as the person listening to it, should say Aameen at the end.

(Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Daud, Nasai)

37. Rub both hands over the face at the termination of the Dua. (Abu Daud, Tirmizi, Ibne Hibbaan,

Ibne Majah, Hakim)

38. Don’t be impatient over the acceptance of Duas. In other words, don’t say: “I’ve made Dua

repeatedly but to no avail.” (Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Daud, Nasai, ibne Majah)

CALLING ALLAH BY HIS 99 NAMES IN DUA

"Invoke Allah or invoke the Most Beneficent (Allah), by whatever name you invoke Him (it is the same), for to Him belong the Best Names...’’.’’ (surah 17 v 10)

When using in dua replace the prefix AL-/AS-/AR- with the word : YA’ for example AL A’ZIZ = THE ALL MIGHTY ONE; will become ‘YA AZIZ’ =’’ Oh All might one..’’. note, the Name Allah has no prefix, so you just say YA ALLAH use them in dua, as zikr, as tasbih.. may be learn one daily, repeat it in your mind throughout the day, repeat in your mind rhythmically as you sleep..say them loudly, softly, in your mind, let them emanate through your body with your heart beat! make use of all your time in the remembrance of Allah, preoccupy your mind from sin..

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Appendix 3: Benefits of Surat Al-Fatiha – The Opening Chapter 1. Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said: ‘The most excellent Sura of the Qur’an is ‘Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Universe’ Al-Hakim and Baihaqi transmitted it from Anas, for whom Allah’s Good Pleasure is prayed. 2. ‘Fatihat al-Kitab – the First Sura – contains healing for every disease.’ Baihaqi transmitted it from ‘Abdul-Malik bin ‘Umair (RA) 3. ‘The First Surah has been sent down from a treasure under the Throne.’ Ibn Rahawaih transmitted it from ‘Ali, for whom Allah’s Good Pleasure is prayed. 4. ‘If anyone recites the First Sura and the Throne Verse (2:255) in a house they (the inmantes of the house) will not be afflicated by an evil eye of a man or a jinn in that day.’ Ad-Dailami transmitted it from ‘Imran bin Husain, from whom Allah’s Good Pleasure is prayed.

There are a number of ahaadeeth explaining to us the great virtue of this chapter (Al Fatihah):

1. Muslim reports from Abu Hurayrah (RA) who said that the Messenger of Allaah (SAW) said,

Allaah, the Glorious and Exalted said, “I have divided the prayer between Myself and my servant equally and My servant shall be granted what he asked for.” Therefore when the servant says, ‘all praises and thanks are due to Allaah, the Lord of the universe’, Allaah says, ‘My servant has praised Me.’ When he says, ‘the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful,’ Allaah says, ‘My servant has extolled Me.’ When he says, ‘Master of the Day of Judgement,’ Allaah says, ‘My servant has glorified Me.’ When he says, ‘You Alone we worship and Your aid Alone do we seek,’ Allaah says, ‘this is between Me and My servant and My servant shall have what he requested.’ When he says, ‘guide us to the Straight Path, the Path of those whom You have favoured, not of those who have incurred [Your] wrath, neither of those who have gone astray,’ Allaah says, ‘this is for My servant and My servant shall have what he asked for.’ [1]

2. At-Tirmidhee reports from Abu Hurayrah (RA) who said that the Messenger of Allaah (SAW) said,

[The chapter commencing with], “all praises and thanks are due to Allaah the Lord of the Universe” is the Mother of the Qur`aan, the Mother of the Book, the Seven Oft Repeated Verses and the Great Qur`aan. [2]

3. Ahmad reports from Abu Hurayrah (RA) who said,

The Prophet (SAW) named Ubayy bin Ka`b while he was praying in the Mosque saying, “O Ubayy!” Ubayy turned his head towards him but did not reply. The Prophet (SAW) named him again saying, “O Ubayy!” So Ubayy shortened his prayer and turned towards the Prophet and said, “as salaam u alaikum O Messenger of Allaah.” The Prophet (SAW) replied, “wa alaikum as- salaam. What prevented you from replying to me when I named you?” Ubayy said, “O Messenger of Allaah I was praying!” He said, “does Allaah not say,

‘Respond to Allaah and the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life.’ [Al- Anfaal (8): 24]?

Ubayy replied, “yes O Messenger of Allaah! I will not do this again.” The Messenger of Allaah (SAW) asked, “would you like me to teach you a Surah the likes of which is not to be found in

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the Torah, Injeel, Zaboor or the [rest of the] Qur`aan?” He said, “yes O Messenger of Allaah.” The Prophet (SAW) said, “I hope that I will not leave this door until you know it.”

Ubayy said, “then he took hold of my hand and talked to me while I slowed down fearing that we may reach the door before he finished talking. When we did reach it I asked him, ‘what is the Surah you promised me, O Messenger of Allaah?’ He said, ‘what is the Surah you recite in prayer?’ So I recited the Mother of the Qur`aan upon which he said, ‘by the One in Whose Hand is my soul, Allaah has not revealed the likes of it in the Torah, Injeel, Zaboor or the [rest of the] Qur`aan. It is the Seven Oft-Repeated verses.’” [3]

4. Ahmad reports from Abu Sa`d ibn al-Mu`allaa (RA) who said,

The Prophet (SAW) named while I was praying in the Mosque but I did not respond until I had completed the prayer. I went to him and he asked, “what prevented you from coming to me [earlier]?” I replied, “I was praying O Messenger of Allaah.” He said, “does Allaah not say,

‘Respond to Allaah and the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life.’ [Al- Anfaal (8): 24]?

He then said, “I will teach a Surah which is the greatest Surah in the Quràan before you leave the Mosque.” Then he grasped hold of my hand and when he intended to leave [the Mosque], I asked him, “did you not say that you would teach me a Surah which is the greatest Surah in the Quràan?” He replied, “yes. It is [the Surah commencing with], ‘All praise and thanks are due to Allaah.’ It is the Seven Oft-Repeated verses and the Great Quràan that has been given to me.” [4]

5. Muslim reports from ibn Abbaas (RA) who said,

While the Messenger of Allaah (SAW) was sitting with Jibreel he heard a creaking sound above him. Jibreel looked up and said, “this is [the sound of] a gate that has been opened in heaven today and has never been previously opened.” Then an Angel descended through it and came to the Prophet (SAW) and said, “rejoice in the good news of two lights that have been given to you such as no prophet before you has been given. [They are] Surah al-Faatihah and the concluding [two] verses of Surah al-Baqarah. You will never recite a word from them without being given the blessings they contain .” [5]

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Appendix 4: Benefits of Surah yaa seen

1. Anas (RA) reported Allah’s Messenger (saw) saying, "Everything has a heart and the heart of the Holy Qur’an is Yasin. Allah I will record anyone who recites Yasin as having recited the Holy Qur’an ten times." Tirmidhi, Darimi

2. Ata ibn Abi Rabah (RA) told of hearing that Allah’s Messenger (saw) said, "If anyone recites Yasin at the beginning of the day, his needs will be fulfilled." Darimi

3. Maqal ibn Yasaar Muzani (RA) reported the Holy Prophet (saw) saying, "If anyone recites Yasin for Allah’s I pleasure, his past sins will be forgiven; so recite it on those who are dying." Baihaqi

4. Anas (RA) reported Rasulullah (saw) saying, "Whoever goes to the graveyard and reads Surah Yain Allah I gives them (the grave dwellers) ease that day, and the reciter receives spiritual blessings equivalent to the amount of letters of Surah Yasin.” Qurtubi

5. Maqal ibn Yasaar (RA) reports that the Holy Prophet (saw) has said, "Recite Surah Yasin on those who are dying." Abu Dawud

6. Ummud Darda (RA) reports the Noble Prophet (saw) saying, "Over no person who is about to die and Surah Yasin is read upon them but Allah I lightens the difficulties of death for him." Qurtubi

7. Abu Hurairah (RA) says that the Messenger of Allah has said, "Whoever recites Surah Yasin at night seeking the pleasure of Allah I, that night he will be forgiven." Abu Nuaym

8. Aisha (RA) reports Rasulullah (saw) saying, "Indeed in the Noble Qur’an there is a surah which, for its reader will intercede and which will be a means of forgiveness for its listener. Listen carefully, it is Surah Yasin, in the Torah it is called Muimmah." It was enquired, "O’ Messenger of Allah r, what is Muimmah?" Rasulullah replied, "It contains for its reader the benefits of this world, it removes from him the dread of the next life, and it is called Dafiah and Qadhiyah." Again it was enquired, "How is this Surah Dafiah and Qadhiyah?" Rasulullah replied, "It takes away from its reader all afflictions and fulfills his need. Whoever recites it, it will be made equal to twenty pilgrimages. Whoever shall listen to it, it will be as thousand dinars, which he has given as charity in the path of Allah I. And whoever shall write it and then drink it, it will enter into his heart a thousand cures, a thousand radiant lights, a thousand times more increase in belief, a thousand mercies, a thousand blessings, a thousand times more increase in guidance, and will remove from him all diseases." Tha’labi, Tirmidhi in Nawadirul Usul

According to another Hadith, Allah I recited Surah Yasin and Surah Taha one thousand years before He created the Heavens and the Earth, and on hearing this the angels said “Blessing is for that Ummah unto whom the Qur’an will be sent, blessing is for the hearts which will bear it and blessing is for the tongues which will recite it”.

There is another narration which says: “Whoever reads Surah Yasin for the pleasure of Allah

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I only, all his previous sins will be forgiven. Therefore make a practice of reading this Surah over those who have departed”

9. Abu Hurairah (RA) reports the Messenger of Allah saying, "Whoever recites Surah Yasin on the eve of Friday, he will be forgiven by morning.” Qurtubi

10. Abu Hurairah (RA) reports the Holy Prophet saying, "Whoever recites Surah Yasin at night he will be forgiven in the morning, and whosoever recites Surah Ha-mim in which Dukhaan is mentioned he will be forgiven in the morning.” Abu Ya’la

11. Jundub ibn Abdullah (RA) narrates that the Holy Prophet has said, "Whoever reads Yasin at night seeking the pleasure of Allah I is forgiven." Ibn Hibbaan

12. Ibn Abbas (RA) reports Rasoolullah saying, "My heart’s desire is that Surah Yasin should be present in the heart of every individual of my Ummah.” Al Bazzaar

13. Yahya ibn Abi Kathir (RA) says, "This narration has reached me that whoever shall recite Yasin at night, he remains content till morning and whoever shall recite it in the morning, he remains content till evening. And that person who has related this to me has also experienced this."

Thalabi (R.A.) said, and Ibn Atiyah (RA) has mentioned this and Ibn Atiyah says, "Experience confirms this." Qurtubi

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Appendix 5: Islamic perspectives on Homosexuality

The following are some excerpts from various website which highlight the Islamic perspective on same sex attraction; this is by no means exhaustive but gives you the overall concept of this sin in Islam, there are many more references in the books of hadith which further highlight the grave nature of this sin.

There is no doubt that in Islam homosexuality is considered 'sinful'. Homosexuality as far as Islam is concerned is a profound mistake ( as are all sins if they are not intending to do wrong). Humans are not homosexuals by nature. People become homosexuals because of their environments. Particularly critical is the environment during puberty. Suggestions, ideas & strange dreams are symptoms of confused attempts to understand new and blunt sexual desires and are rashly interpreted as defining someone as being one sexuality or another. If these conclusions are accompanied by actual homosexual acts they are even more strongly reinforced.

Human instincts can be subjected to acts of will. Sexuality is a choice of identity which follows choices of action which follow from choices of what to have sexual fantasies about. Human beings are especially able to control their thoughts, entertaining some and dismissing others.

However, if this free will is not recognised it is easy to get into a cycle of thinking which starts from accepting a hypothesis about yourself as true rather than as a possible choice (even if the options are sometimes difficult).For example: "I am lazy " could be supposed true by someone. When the person who thinks this lies around in bed in the morning he observes this inaction as evidence of the statement "I am lazy." As he repeatedly chooses to do so the evidence mounts and the idea becomes fixed in his identity. It may even have physical manifestations and change his physiology and psychology. This process can easily occur for any idea good or bad about the self which is based largely on evidence resulting from one’s own action. The idea may be "I am 'gay'" or "I am content" or "I love eating lots of food". The truth is - you are what you choose to be ; you do what you choose to do ; you think what you choose to think. There may be long time delays between the causing choices and the effects but anyone can change themselves. There are reformed ex-drug addicts, reformed ex-compulsive gamblers and ex-homosexuals. In all these sins prevention is 1000 times better than cure and much easier.

It has been suggested that homosexuality is genetically inherited and that those who have this 'predisposition' are victims of it not sinners of any sort. However, there are other things which are probably genetically influenced to give predispositions to for example gambling or alcoholism .It could also be argued (and has been) that it is programmed into men's genetics for them to be unfaithful to their partner. All these things don't make it the right thing to do, nor does it prevent these things from being regarded as sinful. Drinking alcohol will still be regarded as sinful in Islam even if you have a predisposition to be an alcoholic. The trick as every post alcoholic will tell you is never touch another drop after you quit - it is a long slippery slope - your life is better without it. Once a certain desire is connected to your identity strongly and you get in some way hooked on it, it will always be easy to return to it - you are unable to forget the satisfaction. The difficult task is remembering the bad side of the desire, such as hangovers, lost money, self loathing or a simply sense of loss because of what you missed out on. But if you are to change for the better, you must remember this and the past desires you bound up with your identity can become disconnected from what you choose to become

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References in the Quran

The main references to homosexual behavior in the Quran are:

026.165-166 "Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, And leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!"

027.055 Would ye really approach men in your lusts rather than women? Nay, ye are a people (grossly) ignorant!

029.028-29 And (remember) Lut: behold, he said to his people: "Ye do commit lewdness, such as no people in Creation (ever) committed before you. Do ye indeed approach men, and cut off the highway?- and practise wickedness (even) in your councils?" But his people gave no answer but this: they said: "Bring us the Wrath of God if thou tellest the truth."

The story of prophet Lot, on whom be peace, finds mention in several Qur'anic passages, especially Chapter 26:160-175 which reads: "The people of Lut rejected the apostles. Behold, their brother Lut said to them: "Will ye not fear (God)? "I am to you an apostle worthy of all trust. "So fear God and obey me. "No reward do I ask of you for it: my reward is only from the lord of the Worlds. "Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, "And leave those whom God has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!" They said: "If thou desist not, O Lut! thou wilt assuredly be cast out!" He said: "I do detest your doings." "O my Lord! deliver me and my family from such things as they do!" So We delivered him and his family,- all Except an old woman who lingered behind. But the rest We destroyed utterly. We rained down on them a shower (of brimstone): and evil was the shower on those who were admonished (but heeded not)! Verily in this is a Sign: but most of them do not believe. And verily thy Lord is He, the Exalted in Might Most Merciful."

From these passages we learn that God saved Lot and the righteous ones of his family, and rained on the rest a shower of brimstone, so they were utterly destroyed. This is mentioned in the Qur'an not only for the sake of information, but mainly to serve as a warning to anyone who dares to repeat such acts.

Some references in Hadith

(1) The Prophet (saws) said: (1) "Kill the one who sodomizes and the one who lets if be done to him." (Tirmidhi, a sahih (authentic) hadith)

(2) "May Allah curse him who does that Lot's people did." (Ibn Hibban, sahih (authentic))

(3) "Lesbianism by women is adultery between them." (Tabarani, sahih)"

There are a lot more Hadiths on the issue, and the issue of what is to be done with one who commits sodomy or lesbianism. I will not deal with these now in this post. All I wanted to do was to show that the position of Islam on this issue is that it is an enormity (kaba'ir), and therefore, forbidden, (haram). May Allah (The Exalted) protect us.

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