508-580-6555 www.masonnasiosllp.com 136 Warren Ave., Brockton, MA 02301 How do I tell the kids? Will they blame me? How can I protect them from the conflict? How do I know if they’re OK or struggling?

These are just a few of the many questions that parents must deal with during and after divorce. This special Children and Divorce Guide pro- vides you with hand-picked articles, book excerpts, advice, and more. You’ll find answers and insights to help you make wise decisions that are in the best interests of your children – and your family’s future.

contents

3 Telling the Kids About Your Divorce 17 Designing a Parenting Plan You may be dreading this di cult conversation with your Here are the important issues you should consider as you kids; these tips should make it a little bit easier. design your parenting plan.

5 15 Behaviors to Watch for in Your Children 20 Parenting Responsibly on Your Own Checking in on your children during and after divorce will By taking responsibility for your role as a parent, you can help them feel supported and heal from your divorce. meet your child’s needs in the healthiest possible way.

7 Effects of Divorce on Children 23 11 Ways to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your An explanation of the most common eff ects of divorce on Children After Divorce young children – from preschoolers to pre-adolescents. In divorce, the biggest loss to a parent and child is their relationship. earn how to nurture this precious bond. 11 Do You Need a Child Custody Evaluation? An evaluation is sometimes the only option left for 25 Common Questions Children Ask parents caught in a custody battle. Answers to questions children ask during divorce.

13 How to Recognize and Cope with Parental Alienation 27 Forging the Path Ahead After Divorce How and why parental alienation happens, and how to Allow yourself to learn from life’s changes so you can restore the parent-child relationship. thrive as an individual and as a parent.

15 How to help Teenagers Cope with Divorce 29 5 Rules for Introducing a New Partner to Your Kids Is your teen struggling with your divorce? These tips will Don’t rush this: waiting to introduce your kids to a new help them get through it as smoothly as possible. love interest will pay off for everyone in the long run.

The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materials from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.

ChildrenChildren andand DivorceDivorce GuideGuide | 2 Telling the Kids About Your Divorce Telling your children that you’re splitting up is one of the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. Here are tips to smooth the path for you.

By Dr. Deanna Conklin-Danao, Clinical Psychologist and Child Specialist

Children and Divorce Guide | 3 elling children about divorce is three frequently asked questions since school. If you don’t know an answer, one of the most di cult aspects the likelihood of your children’s asking be honest. I don’t know yet if we will Tof the divorce process. Parents them is high. keep this house, but we will tell you as dread these conversations because of soon as we know. the potential impact they think it will 1. Why are you getting divorced? Don’t promise things you can’t have on the kids. While every kid will This goes back to the guideline of guarantee because you feel guilty. have their own reaction, there are some being honest and age appropriate. You For example, if the kids are in private things that you can do to be prepared can acknowledge things that your chil- school and you aren’t sure if you will be for questions that you may receive from dren might have noticed. Mom and I able to afford it, don’t promise it. You them. fight a lot and realie that we can’t live will live in two different houses, but together in a healthy way. Don’t pro- you will continue to spend time with Be Honest and Age-Appropriate vide specifics about the details of your both of us. Different doesn’t mean This is the key principle for answering fights; rather, emphasie that they are bad, it means different. Kids will take your child’s questions: respond honestly adult problems. emotional cues from both of you, so be taking into account the age and devel- mindful of the nonverbal communica- opmental level of your child. Children 2. Is the divorce my fault? tion cues as well as the words. do not need to know adult information This may not be asked directly or may be affairs, money issues, they simply asked slightly differently such as Could Set the Stage for Healthy Co- need to know that, We had grown up I have fixed this?, but this is a deeply Parenting problems. Add in, You didn’t cause Consider using an Alternative Dispute these problems and you could not have esolution process – such as media- done anything differently because this tion or collaborative divorce – or work was between us. with a divorce parenting specialist or You need to reassure your children Don’t promise child therapist to make sure your chil- that both of you still love them and that things you can’t dren’s needs take precedence over will not change. your wants. This will help maintain or guarantee because develop healthy communication with Remember That You Cannot your spouse, which will allow you to set “Unsay” Things you feel guilty. the stage for co-parenting in a positive Once you say something it is out there, manner. This will come through in tell- so don’t say things out of anger that you ing children about divorce. Being able will regret later. This is harder than it to communicate with each other about sounds. Perhaps you feel betrayed by held fear for many children of divorce. how you want to answer your children’s your spouse’s affair and you want the This fear may show itself as your child questions will show that you can con- kids to know it was his fault. This is attempting to be overly well-behaved or tinue to work together – even if you are too much information for a child or trying to bring the two of you together divorcing.  adolescent to process and will damage in hopes of undoing the divorce. Be very relationships. We know children weather clear and repeat to your kids that the divorce best when they have a positive divorce isn’t something they caused or Deanna Conklin-Danao relationship with both parents. Don’t could have fixed. eassure your chil- (Psy.D.) is a Chicago-based undermine your long-term goal because dren that even though you are divorcing, Clinical Psychologist, Col- of your anger in the moment. you will both still love them and spend laborative Divorce Coach, time with them. and Collaborative Divorce Three Frequently Asked Child Specialist. In her Questions 3. What’s going to happen now? practice, Dr. Conklin-Danao creates a Although each family’s situation is Kids are very worried about how a safe and supportive environment for unique, there are some common ques- divorce will impact them. Offering them adults and children to learn about them- tions that most children ask when being honest and specific responses will help selves, develop new ways of relating, told of their parents’ impending divorce. overcome these concerns. For example: and grow into the life they want to lead. Consider preparing answers to these You will continue to go to the same www.drconklindanao.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 4 Checking in on your chil- 15 Behaviors dren during and after divorce is vital to their to Watch for in ability to heal and feel supported.

By Lisa Schmidt, Your Children Post-Divorce Coach

or kids, divorce can feel like to predict a child’s reaction to divorce. of worth are often formed in our pre- loss: the loss of a parent, the loss Sometimes, as in the case of my own adolescent years. What you continue to Fof the life they know, and their son, it didn’t come for months. reinforce or give attention to will fos- family home. You can rst help your Children have a remarkable abil- ter beliefs and memories, good or bad. children adust to this massive change ity to recover when given the support Your words, actions, and reassurances by supporting their feelings, whatever they need. It is important to note that to your children of your unwavering those may be. It’s almost impossible lifelong belief systems and feelings love and support are vital.

Children and Divorce Guide | 5 Create a safe environment for 3. Secretive actions: closing the your child to share their feelings, and bedroom door when they didn’t really listen to them. They may be feel- before. ing sadness, loss, frustration, and even anger about things you may not have 4. Dramatic mood swings that are out expected. Help them find words for of the norm. This could be extreme their feelings. You can help them by happiness or sadness. encouraging them to talk openly with you or your spouse. et them be radi- 5. everting to an earlier age or cally honest. babyish behavior. Acknowledge their feelings with- out udgment. You may not be able to 6. Acting out against parents and take away their sadness, but it is impor- teachers. This is a cry for attention. tant for you to maintain their trust. Children might be hesitant to share 7. Spending excessive time around their true feelings for fear of hurting new friends that you’ve prob- you, but let them know that whatever ably yet to meet. Create a safe they say or are feeling is okay. If they environment for your aren’t able to share their honest feel- 8. efusing to visit with their other ings, they will have a difficult time parent. child to share their working through them. It might take the help of a counselor to get them to 9. Behaving one way for you and act- feelings, and really open up, so don’t discount this as a ing differently for your spouse. listen to them. method to help them heal. If they blame themselves or their 10. Holding out hope that you and your siblings, nip this in the bud as soon as spouse are getting back together. possible. Many children believe that they had something to do with the 11. Excessive crying, emotional reac- You are not the unhappy wife or the divorce. Clear up any misunderstand- tions, or outbursts. workaholic husband. ings swiftly to help your kids let go of Don’t lie to your children or dimin- responsibility. Be patient, because one 12. Suddenly sick frequently with ish the truth of the situation. Tell them day they may feel that they understand headaches, bellyaches, or ust try- that things won’t always be perfect or and be completely confused the next. ing to stay home from school. as they were before, but that they will eassure them as often as you need be okay. Showing a united front as par- to that both parents will continue to 13. Sleeping problems like insomnia, ents can ease the distress and provide a love them and that they are in no way nightmares, or wanting to sleep lot of comfort to your children. Above responsible for the divorce. with you. all, reinforce that you are still a family no matter what.  15 Worrisome Behaviors 14. efusal to eat or inconsistent eat- Here is a list of behaviors to look out ing habits. for in your children during and after Lisa Schmidt is a post- divorce: 15. The sudden appearance of an divorce coach located imaginary friend. in Detroit, MI. She helps 1. Sudden changes in physical appear- women locally and nation- ance. Weight loss or gain is often a All too often, divorcing spouses ally to go from surviving common side effect of stress. are caught up in their own hurt or feel- to thriving and get excited ings and forget that children have a about their post-divorce 2. ebelling against normal routines, completely different perspective. To world. rules, or chores. them, you are simply Mom and Dad. www.thelisaschmidt.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 6 Effects of DIVORCE on Children

When parents split up, the family changes – and these changes can be very painful for the children. Here’s an explanation of the most com- mon effects of divorce on young children, as well as some proactive steps you can take to ensure that your kids grow up to be happy, healthy adults.

By Dr. Donald A. Gordon and Dr. Jack Arbuthnot

ChildrenChilldrd enen andandnd DivorceDiivorccee GuideGuide | 7 ost parents ask themselves some hard questions when they split up. Parents wonder what the break- Mup will do to their children. Will the children under- stand what’s going on? How will they react to each parent as the family changes? Will they be OK with a new step-parent? Will they be OK if there are step-siblings? Will their grades in school suff er? Will they draw away from their friends? Will they suff er some emotional harm forever? Does the children’s age make a diff erence? Is it diff erent for boys than for girls? For most parents, the important thing is that their chil- dren survive the split-up. They want their children to grow up to be healthy adults. Many children do, of course. Some are even better off in many ways; for some children, a break-up is better than staying in an unhappy family. A separation can also be better than being in a home where parents argue so much. This article will discuss the typical reactions of young children – from preschoolers to pre-adolescents – and offer some advice on how to help them through the process.

Preschoolers Preschoolers most often react to their parents’ break-up with fear and guilt. They’re confused: young children are not able to understand what is going on and why. They think that if Dad can leave their life, Mom can too. They may think that if parents can stop loving each other, they can also stop loving them. Young children often worry about who will take care Parents should also avoid conflict in of them, if there will be enough food or money, where they’ll live, and so on. There really is no age where children are not front of the children. Young children upset by stress in a bad relationship. Parents will often see children go back to early behav- will listen to their parents’ arguing iors: for example, the child may want a security blanket and may think they are to blame. again, or they may have problems using the toilet. There may be an increase in wanting to masturbate. They may cry, cling, or disobey. They may have night fears or fears at separation. Children may imagine strange things about still love them. They need to be told that they are still a why one parent is gone. Children often think they caused family, no matter where each family member lives. Parents the break-up; they may think Dad or Mom would not need to explain in a simple way why the break-up happened; have gone if they had behaved better. If a parent is very this will help the children know that the problems are between upset, a child may hide his own feelings so he won’t upset Mom and Dad and that the break-up is not their fault. They need the parent. a chance to talk about their fears. Each parent should frequently set aside time to talk to the preschoolers about how they feel. Both How to Help Preschoolers parents should spend lots of time with their children. Young children need to be told clearly and often that their Parents should also avoid conflict in front of the chil- parents will take care of them, and that both Mom and Dad dren. Young children will listen to their parents’ arguing and

Children and Divorce Guide | 8 may think they are to blame. When violence has occurred, not good before the break-up. Since they don’t see the absent the safety of the children must be insured; a violent parent parent often, they usually won’t express the anger they feel can help repair the harm by setting a good example of anger toward him or her. They will express their anger toward the control. Showing respect for the other parent can undo the custodial parent, and they may blame himher for the absence damage to children who have seen violence. of the other parent. When contact with the absent parent is Children need to spend good one-on-one time with each reduced, children at this age often believe that parent has parent. Most of them are very sad not to be with the absent stopped loving them. This reaction causes emotional trauma. parent more – for children under three, one week of being Young children often hope Mom and Dad will get back away is too long. Their sense of time is much shorter than together. They may feel that it is their ob to take care of and that of older children. comfort their parents, and many will try to solve the problems between their parents. It is not healthy for young children to Young Children (Ages 6–8) reverse roles with their parents. Children aged six to eight years old respond most often with esearch tells us that children are affected when they see grief. They express their grief through crying and sobbing; their parents ghting. It affects their ideas about how people this happens with boys more than with girls. They also feel a solve problems with each other. Children do not get used to deep yearning for the absent parent. The children will miss that the ghting – instead, the ghting wears them down. Physical parent intensely, even if their relationship with the parent was ghting is especially damaging: children will copy their par- ents and hit other children. When parents try to get the child to take sides, there can be a tug of war on the emotions of a child. Some parents may tell their children that the other parent is bad, or that the other parent caused the problems. Each parent may really believe this simple view. Children caught in the middle are the most likely to lose this war.

How to Help Young Children All children need protection from the hurts and anger of parents. They should not feel pressure to take sides, so never criticie the other parent in front of the children. They need to know that both parents still love them. They will be taken care of even if Mom and Dad do not live together. Children must be able to spend time with the absent parent. They need to know it is okay to love that parent. Young children are not sure their parents still love them – so they need more love and support now.

Preteens (Ages 9–12) The response of children aged nine to twelve years old to a break-up is not the same as younger children. This age group is more advanced in their thinking, and they are able to see many points of view in the matter. Most of these children can understand some of the reasons for the break-up. They will seriously and bravely try to make the best of it. These children will often hide the distress they are feeling. They may say they see their nonresident parent enough when in fact they miss him or her terribly. They may be afraid to ask for more time with their other parent because they know this will upset the resi- dent parent.

Children and Divorce Guide | 9 About of children at this age will take sides in the parents’ battle, most often siding with the mother. Although they are better able than their younger brothers and sisters to For most parents, see both sides, they still tend to see things in black-and-white the important thing is terms. This results in a need to label one parent as the good guy and the other parent as the villain. that their children survive Children at this age are likely to feel intense anger, and the split-up. unlike their younger siblings, they are very aware of their anger. Anger is normal in the break-up of a family. A badly shaken sense of self is also common at this age. Children may have many health complaints or problems, including and they need to acknowledge their children’s anger. Often, infections, headaches, stomach aches, asthma, etc. The stress the children yearn for the parents to get back together. If this the children are going through aggravates these problems. is not going to happen and it usually isn’t, children should Doctors report that children from split homes come to their be told clearly and with no doubt; creating false hope does not ofces far more often than other children. help the children. Family break-ups can also lead to problems with peers. Parents must control their anger towards each other. If Children may not have as many friends as before, and they their anger becomes violent, parents must disengage, and they may fear that their peers will reect them. These children are should avoid contact until they learn control. Parents should more likely to become friends with other reected class- minimie conflict in front of their children – this is very mates. These new friends may have emotional or behavioral important if the conflict is unresolved or is spiteful. Children problems, which can lead to more serious problems: failing learn social skills by watching conflicts get resolved; if par- school, breaking laws, or engaging in risky sex, drug, or alco- ents can negotiate and compromise, they model good social hol abuse. skills. This can lessen the effect of the conflict. Preteens have developed new thinking skills, which Parents must allow the children to love the other parent. allow them to understand cause-and-effect relationships, but Encourage children to call or write letters, and help the chil- they still lack a larger view of how things work. They are dren give the other parent gifts on special days birthdays, likely to feel very let down, and they may act out by trying Christmas, Father’s Day, etc.. to hurt one or both of their parents using the power they think Say good things about the other parent in front of the they have. They might say mean or unkind things, or accuse children: praise your ex’s good qualities. In spite of your parents of changing or having moral lapses. They may refuse anger and sadness, at one time you saw enough good qualities to spend time with the parent they now see as guilty. to want to marry or move in with this person; surely some of Parents should not accept this: in a gentle way, make your those qualities are still there preteens aware that you expect them to be civil and polite Avoid making children choose sides. Most parents are to both parents. Concrete examples may help. emind them not aware how often they do this, and many truly believe they that even though Aunt Mary is bossy or randma is strict, the never do this. Trying to get children to side with you damages children must still go on family visits, during which they are their relationship with the other parent, which leads to more expected to be polite. And even though they may not like a stress and causes anger toward both parents.  certain teacher, they must still show respect to himher. They can be given some control over minor aspects of their time with the other parent. For example, they could This article was adapted with permission from What About choose to take along a friend or suggest activities. Or, they the Children? A Simple Guide For Divorced/Separated And could choose to call the other parent now and then, etc. Divorcing Parents (CDE, eighth edition, 2011) by Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.). This booklet is How to Help Preteens part of the “Children in Between” online course for separating Children at this age need to be able to talk to each parent about and divorcing parents. www.online.divorce-education.com. the break-up and about life after the break-up – to express their concerns, fears, and complaints. And they can understand a Based in Athens, OH, the Center for Divorce Education little about how the parents feel. It is okay to say that Mom (CDE) is a non-profit corporation founded in 1987 by a con- and Dad do not agree about everything, but tell them that Mom sortium of attorneys and psychologists. The CDE is dedicated and Dad do agree about the children. to advocating for children and helping parents to minimize the Parents should offer love and support to their preteens, harmful effects that divorce and separation have on children.

Children and Divorce Guide | 10 Do You Need a Child Custody Evaluation?

By Dr. Gitu Bhatia, Psychologist arents are generally the best people to decide what is in the best interest of their children. When parents and their lawyers are unable to agree about a custody plan Pfor the children, there are options such as therapy and medi- ation that are available to parents to help put aside diff er- ences and work out plans that will help families get through Children usually do best when parents make the emotional ourney of divorce in a mutually agreeable the decisions about their lives. However, a manner. custody evaluation is sometimes the only However, when these conflict resolution methods fail and parents continue to have strong opposition to each other, option left for parents caught in a custody a custody evaluator is often another person who enters into battle. the divorce team. The custody evaluation process typically

Children and Divorce Guide | 11 happens after one or more court appearances where there is no progress on deciding a custody plan for the children. Please remember that in most cases it is preferable for the parents to decide where their children should spend time, but a professional evaluator is there when that cannot happen.

What Is a Custody Evaluator? A child custody evaluator is someone who is typi- cally a psychologist, although other mental health professionals also serve as evaluators. They gener- ally take special training every year in best practices in conducting evaluations and they are often appointedd by the court to serve in this role. If you are going through a child custody evaluation, it is How Long Does a Custody Evaluation Take? important to be truthful with your children, and to encourage Depending on the situation and urgency, child custody evalu- them to be truthful. For example, you may say, Mom and ation can be rapid or extensive. For example, some fast-track Dad can’t figure out how to share you because we both love evaluations happen at the courthouse, while others may take you so much. Someone is going to come and talk with our months to be completed. Each parent meets with the evalu- family and help us make those decisions. When you speak ator and the children meet with the evaluator. In the case of with them, please be honest and say what you want. a brief evaluation, the evaluator gives verbal findings to the It is also important to let them know that the evaluator udge to assist the udge in making a custody ruling. This will listen to everyone and then they will write a report to can happen in one day. help the udge make the final decision. A child should never In other cases, an evaluation may happen outside of the feel the burden of any custody decision on their shoulders. court, but with the evaluator meeting with the family in an Children often do best when parents make the decisions office. In a full-blown evaluation, the custody evaluator will about their lives. The parents are often more committed to typically conduct psychological assessments of both parents, making things work out if they feel they have some level of meet with each member of the family individually, and meet autonomy in the lives of their children. nfortunately, there with the parent and children in each home. The evaluator can be many emotional costs to a child custody evaluation may also consult with teachers, therapists, tutors, friends, or along with the financial consequences of divorce. other people who have knowledge of the dynamics of the An unsatisfying udgment based on the evaluation can family and each parent’s capacity to be an effective parent in set up a lifetime of non-compliance and a sense of inustice, a post-divorce, contentious situation. which is unfair to the children. ltimately, the ongoing con- There is a written report that may be issued within a few flict, hurt, and anger between parents is more detrimental to weeks. A full child custody evaluation can take months and children than the actual time-sharing arrangement between may cost upwards of ,. The focus of any child cus- them. Children do better when they know that their parents tody evaluation is to find what is best for the children and to can help solve problems together and communicate as co- be very child-focused. parents .

How to Deal with Your Children During the Evaluation Process Dr. Gitu Bhatia (Psy.D.), a former family media- It is important to note that it is typical that everybody has tor for the Los Angeles Superior Court, is a some degree of unhappiness when a child custody evaluation psychologist in private practice and adjunct fac- is ordered. obody will get exactly what they desire, because ulty at the Graduate School of Education and sharing custody of children necessarily means that there will Psychology at Pepperdine University. be compromise by everyone. www.gitubhatia.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 12 How to Recognize & Cope with Parental Alienation

By Russell J. Frank, Family Lawyer Parental alienation is a very serious concern for many separating and divorcing parents. Here’s a brief intro- duction to parental alienation: how and why it happens, how to recognize it, and how to restore the damaged parent-child bond.

uring separation and divorce, some parents intentionally – or some- times unintentionally – work to alienate their ex-spouse from their children. Parental alienation generally occurs when one parent Dsways a child into disengaging with their other parent – usually by speak- ing negatively about the other parent andor refusing to permit or coordi- nate contact and time-sharing between the child and that other parent. It can also occur when one parent does not fully engage in co-parenting or when a child is regularly questioned about the personal life of the other parent. This results in creating a moral dilemma within the child, as many children, in the face of divorce or separation, will want to try and remain as loyal as they can to each parent, particularly the younger they may be. For example, if a parent reacts with sadness or even disappointment when the child reports they’ve had fun while with their other parent, then it can likely lead to negative feelings within that child, including guilt and overall confusion about their relationship with both parents.

Children and Divorce Guide | 13 Other behaviors that lead to parental reality, up until about the time a child that has been fractured by the alienating alienation include actions such as: enters high school, and ideally after parent. . istening in on phone calls or moni- they become teenagers as well, parents Due to the conflicts already exist- toring text messages from the other should still be able to determine time- ing between the parents, a Court order parent. sharing issues on behalf of their child, may be required in order to initiate this . Excluding, withholding, or even pur- not permitting their children to dictate type of counseling. If the parents cannot posely providing wrong information time-sharing terms and conditions. agree on the counseling itself or a spe- to the other parent related to a child’s cific counselor, then either party may activities and appointments. Creating a Divide Between motion the Court to appoint an appropri- . Casting blame on the other parent for Parent and Child ate therapist with the underlying goal of their own financial woes. Typically, as a result of these alienating reunifying the child and the other par- . efusing to be reasonable with behaviors, a physical, emotional, and ent. The court order would detail the requested changes in visitation many times psychological divide is cre- expectation that each parent cooperates schedules, using the children to spy ated between that parent on the outside with the therapy and also set parameters or report back on the other parent. and their children. Once this occurs, it for extended family involvement, while There are also more obvious behav- not unusual for a child to not want to providing discretion to the therapist iors such as denying access, contact, and communicate with, see, or spend time to set the specifics for treatment, pay- time-sharing, or even permitting the child with that other parent. When a child ment arrangements, and all other related to determine when such timesharing refuses to talk with or spend time with issues. should occur. The latter example can be the other parent, then in many cases, a In some cases, depending on the extremely detrimental to the child, as it child psychologist or counselor would severity of the issues and the levels of forces a child to choose between parents be necessary to assist in redeveloping distrust between the parties andor the – something that no child should have to that parent-child relationship, something child, it can be beneficial for each party do, as these types of decisions are better known as reunification therapy. to have their own individual therapists, left to the adults andor the Courts. including one for the child and one for Restoring the Parent-Child each of the parents. In these cases the When One Parent Shares Bond therapists would work together to ensure Inappropriate or Misleading eunification counseling may come in the family reunification issues are being Information with the Children as an effective tool in helping to restore addressed. In other cases, however, the Perhaps even more concerning is when bonds previously lost due to parental reunification therapist would likely a parent decides to begin discussing, alienation. In these situations, a child psy- spend time meeting individually with the directly with the children, the actual chologist or counselor generally assists children and then with the parents sepa- details related to the breakdown of the the child and parent in rebuilding their rately before meeting with both the child parents’ marriage and the ensuing legal relationship. The counselor may recom- and the reunifying parent together. battle. This is often done as a defense mend reunification counseling to help If you have additional questions or mechanism by the alienating parent as a restore the parent-child relationship. concerns about parental alienation and way to curry favor with the children in an eunification therapy can be used as its effects on your children, it’s impor- effort to further ustify their alienation, an intervention for separated or divorced tant to seek professional advice with but the truth is that these types of discus- families – particularly when children a licensed therapist and perhaps even sions and providing this type of informa- are finding it difficult, for whatever rea- speak with an experienced family law tion to children can be very destructive son, to visit their non-custodial parent. attorney to discuss your specific case emotionally and psychologically. In the initial assessment and follow-up and circumstances.  Many times, the alienating par- sessions, the counselor or therapist will ent will ustify their behavior by tell- identity the issues that are contributing A partner at CPLS, P.A. ing the other parent that the children to the estrangement between the parent attorney Russell J. Frank do not want to see them, something and the child, and then work to develop focuses his practice areas that will, inevitably, become a self- an appropriate treatment plan for all on family and marital fulfilling prophecy if not addressed affected family members. Through law. He volunteers as a in a timely manner. Parents must try counseling, the child and parent will Guardian Ad Litem, rep- to always remember that they are the try to repair their relationship, usually resenting children whose parent and they must remain in control by working on effective communica- parents’ rights have been suspended or of making time-sharing decisions. In tion techniques and rebuilding the trust terminated. www.cplspa.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 14 How to Help Teenagers Cope with Divorce

Is your teen struggling to cope with your divorce? Do you know how to best support them? These tips can help your teens get through the process as smoothly and easily as possible.

By Wendi Schuller, Author and Therapist

eenagers can be challenging during divorce as they are more likely to be stoic and keep their feelings hidden than their younger siblings who cry, are clingy, and often more talkative. There may be an obvious sign with a young child that they are Tstressed, such as bedwetting. Teens may not show many obvious signs that they are struggling with parental divorce, so you may need to do some sleuthing – including talking with their school’s guidance counselor – to nd out how they are really doing.

Children and Divorce Guide | 15 Teens can learn valuable life lessons from their parents’ Adolescents are undergoing physi- kids. If you are burned out, you will be cal changes with fluctuating hormones divorce – such as a less effective parent. taking a toll on their emotional state, how to adapt to new even under the best of conditions. situations and to Plan Enjoyable Activities Throw a divorce into the mix and it can 6 with Your Teens be difficult to decipher what is normal look for the silver My sons and I had fun rituals that we teenage angst and what is problematic. did weekly. For example, we continued One day they may feel childlike and the lining in challenging going to restaurants where the owners next, quite grown up. circumstances. had known them as babies and were sup- Teens may not want to share their portive during divorce. Splurge on a day feelings with parents for various rea- out at an amusement park. o to see a sons – including not wanting to be a funny movie at the theater, as laughing burden when their folks are in turmoil, Look for What’s Behind the is a good way to reduce stress. Music or or to avoid hurting a depressed parent. 3 Changes comedy festivals can help you and your Teens may be angry at the two individu- Is your teenager’s behavior erratic? This teenagers get into an upbeat mood and als causing such a drastic upset to their could indicate alcohol or drug use: they forget their problems for a while. world. may be self-medicating while trying An adolescent may become to numb their emotional pain. Do they Keep Your Sex Life depressed and turn inwards. When wear long sleeves all of the time? That 7 Private this happens, they shut others out and could indicate cutting or track marks – Teens I spoke with felt uncomfortable become quieter, withdrawing from their or bruising from bullying – and the long when their parents’ dates turned into friends, extracurricular activities, and sleeves are hiding scars and contusions sleep overs. This is especially true when social events they enoyed pre-divorce. from you. the divorce has not yet been finalied. Several adolescents became angry when Inform the Adults in Their Ensure That Your Teen Has their father presented his new girlfriend 1 Lives That You Are Getting a 4 Access to a Neutral Third and said they were already a couple. When Divorce Party one of the lads pointed out that he was still It is less traumatic if teens do not have to A neutral third party can help them dis- married, the encounter turned nasty. keep explaining the situation to teachers, cuss their fear, disappointment, and what Teens can learn valuable life les- coaches, and so forth. As a school nurse, is going on in their life. It could be a sons from their parents’ divorce – such I found that kids were embarrassed when family friend, godparent, neighbor, or a as how to adapt to new situations and they had to ask whether their testing relative who is non-udgmental. My sons to look for the silver lining in challeng- result was for their mother or father. I had a therapist assigned to them during ing circumstances. My sons learned how would quickly make an extra copy so divorce proceedings by both lawyers. to live within a budget, self-reliance, and each parent had one but this upsetting This support was invaluable for them. that experiences are more important than situation did not have to happen. They could let off steam and gently be material goods. ooking for positives – given a reality check. If your teen is instead of back at what was – got my sons Deal with Any Behavioral going off the rails, a session with a coun- and me through divorce and beyond.  2 Changes Right Away selor or divorce coach can be beneficial. Your teenager may start exhibiting marked behavioral changes. It is bet- Give Teens Your Undivided Wendi Schuller is an ter to deal with those behaviors right 5 Attention author, nurse, and hyp- away rather than have them escalate or This includes without your smartphone notherapist who is certi- become a pattern. When my son became in sight. It can be easier to open up when fied in Neuro-Linguistic sassy with a teacher who was similar to doing side-by-side activities, such as Programing (NLP). The his father, I was called into the school taking a walk. These older kids may not author of The lobal immediately. My son and that teacher want eye contact when expressing dif- uide to Divorce (Austin talked about his disrespectful behavior. ficult thoughts. It is easy to get caught Macauley Publishers, Although divorce is not an excuse, the up in the trauma of your divorce and 2015), she is a featured author on www. teacher listened to what was a trigger for be significantly less available to your DivorcedMoms.com and a regular blog- my son. ow when they bump into each children. Make sure you get breaks and ger for www.DivorceMag.com. other, it is as old friends. support in order to be there for your www.globalguidetodivorce.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 16 Designing a Parenting Plan

Important issues you should consider as you design your parenting plan.

By Dr. Donald A. Gordon and Dr. Jack Arbuthnot

irginia Satir, a well-known psychologist in the family and divorce eld, once said, Parents are Vteachers of human beings, not owners of human beings. This is a wise view to keep in mind when creating your parenting plan. Children need the love and aff ection of both parents, but they also need both as teachers. These roles should override your desire to own your children. ltimately, you cannot own them: you can only prepare them for their future. How well you prepare them will ulti- mately refl ect your qualities as parents.

Children and Divorce Guide | 17 Another well-known expert in this urisdictions. Many people believe it look back on this time and on our field, oan Kelly, has observed that, It is a bad idea to separate siblings, but behavior as parents? is not the divorce per se, but the condi- there isn’t enough good research to cor- You need to spend time talking tions and agreements the parents cre- roborate this. about what goals you have for your ate during and after the divorce that In shared parenting, both parents children, what their childhood should will determine the child’s adustment. share legal control of the children. be like, what you want them to be like The marriage is over, as are your lives Shared decision-making does not mean both as children and adults, and what as Mom and Dad parenting under the shared time, which can vary from equal each of you can contribute to these same roof. You will begin new lives as time with each parent to goals. Write it down on paper and share Mom and Dad parenting apart. or even . With shared parenting, it with your children; they’ll know that There are three basic types of liv- the children may live primarily with you both care about them, and they’ll ing arrangements for children: sole one parent but they may spend more see that you’re working together for custody, split custody, and shared cus- time with the other parent than is nor- their welfare. Set an example of coop- tody. The most common is sole cus- mal in a non-shared parenting arrange- eration – even though it may be a tody, in which one parent becomes ment. The parent with whom the child heroic effort. the resident parent while the other has lives most is called the primary resi- Parenting is difficult under the reasonable access. About of dential parent, and the other is called most ideal circumstances, and it is all parenting plans result in the mom the secondary residential parent. more of a challenge when done from being the resident parent – although In most areas, shared parenting is two households. Plan how you will the number of fathers becoming the presumed to be the best plan for chil- coordinate your efforts: plan for the resident parent increases with income. dren. udges must provide a strong big issues like school, religion, etc., reason if they wish to order some other and plan for the small, day-to-day stuff The Language of Parenting arrangement; in some areas, udges such as transportation, parties, etc.. Plans have the authority to order shared par- You should set up regular meetings, Most parents say they want to win cus- enting if they believe it would be best emails, or phone calls to catch up on tody of the kids. This suggests con- for the child, or if one parent requests important developments, work out trol – or possession – of the children it. schedules, and discuss concerns. is the goal. Instead, your goal should Many udges require parents to Your parenting plan will spell out be to work out the best parenting plan develop a parenting plan before grant- conditions and terms – some of which for your children, so call it a parenting ing a divorce. Conflict between the par- can be legally enforced. Take the time to plan rather than a custody battle. The ents can be minimied by a written plan design a good, flexible plan. Someday, child may be in one parent’s home more stating specific dates and times when as young adults, your children will look than the other; refer to that person as each is in charge of the child; because back on their childhood and udge how the primary residential parent, not as everything is in writing, there is less well you both handled this difficult the custodial parent. The other parent need for parents to negotiate or argue. time. They will look at how you coop- should be viewed as the secondary Adherence to the plan will increase erated, and they’ll remember if you put residential parent, not someone who trust between the parents and encour- their interests ahead of your marital ust has visitation rights. o caring and age them to cooperate in the future. issues. involved parent wants to ust visit his or her kids. Guiding Questions for Parenting Frequency of Contact with Each In split parenting plans custody Plans Parent of the children is divided: one or more There are several important issues you The amount of time children should children may go to one parent, and the should think about as you design your spend with each parent is one of the other children the other; boys often parenting plan. Ask yourself: most fought-over issues in a family go to fathers and girls to mothers. . What goals for our children do we break-up. It is also the most misunder- However, this is rare in initial sepa- both share? stood by all involved – including par- ration decrees, and it generally only . How will we continue to be effective ents, lawyers, and udges. As a result, happens when there are unusual cir- parents in separate households? parenting plans are often flawed, which cumstances. It may occur when a child . Do I only want to resolve our legal can cause a great deal of emotional suf- is old enough to choose which parent matters, or also our family issues? fering for children. they wish to live with age in some . How do we want our children to There has been much psychological

Children and Divorce Guide | 18 research on children’s attachment to Unfortunately, a night, and fewer court filings. their parents, and the most recent find- Finally, recognie that no plan is ings are clear: children – particularly concept of stability perfect, and most plans need to change young children – need frequent and over time as children develop and their meaningful contact with both parents. – one home, one bed – lives and needs change. A young child becomes deeply attached for children to both parents at a very early age; to be Flexibility Is Essential separated from either parent causes dis- still prevails. Although parenting plans need to be tress and can even cause trauma. specific to minimie conflict and mis- Young children need frequent tran- understandings, be aware that situations sitions to ensure continuity and provide both parents, and most children adapt – and people – change over time. For comfort. This goes against what many quickly to having two homes. most families, anger will diminish over people assume is common sense, and esearch points out that less fre- time. Parents usually remarry or re-cou- many parents, lawyers, and udges mis- quent transitions may cause more ple, and stepchildren may enter the pic- understand this fact. Although quality stress. Children must leave the home ture. And, of course, your own children of contact is more important than quan- they have been in for a week or more, will age and mature. Their interests will tity, there must be enough quantity. and they must also leave their second change, and the need for parental input Infants and toddlers form bonds with parent and go home with the pros- in their lives will also change. both parents, and extended separa- pect of not seeing the second parent A parenting plan should not be tions put these bonds at risk over time. for a long time. Frequent transitions carved in stone. It is not an unchanging Fathers, especially, are likely to drop between homes eliminate this problem. document, and you should be prepared out of the child’s life. If court orders to modify it over time. The truly wise restrict the father’s access to a young Outlining the Issues mother and father can sometimes antic- child, it may cause a decline in contact You must discuss the parenting plan for ipate some future changes, which could with the father over time. This decline your child, and both parents must be be built into the original court decree. in contact can also happen with the clear about the issues. What assump- However, few of us are able to predict mother. tions should you start with? Here are the future, so be prepared to work with The ideal situation for young chil- the maor issues that most parents face: the other parent. You’ll have to make dren is to interact with both parents . A child needs two loving, caring, changes when necessary, and the best daily. Some interaction is functional, competent parents. way to do this is by mutual agreement. including meals, bedtime routines, . Both parents have a right to an ac- If you cannot create a parenting limit-setting, discipline, and play. After tive role in their child’s develop- plan yourselves, work with a mediator, age two, most children can tolerate ment. parenting expert, or other third party. two back-to-back overnights with one . Both parents must be willing to Put into your plan that you both agree parent. Avoid long separations lasting share in the tasks of parenthood. to mediate before court action.  more than five days. . Conflict and competition over the Frequent contact will mean more children will hurt both them and This article was adapted transitions from one house to the you. with permission from What other. Many people – including some Your parenting plan should be spe- About the Children? A udges – automatically assume this is cific; this way, everyone is clear about Simple uide for Divorced bad. They assume that frequent transi- what will happen and when. Here Separated and Divorcing tions will upset a child, and should be are some reasons to be as specific as Parents (CDE, eighth edi- avoided. But there is evidence to the possible: tion, 2011) by Donald A. contrary: even a young child will get . Children need predictability. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack used to frequent transitions if they are . Parents will experience less conflict Arbuthnot (Ph.D.). The not too stressful. if plans are specific. Center for Divorce Edu- nfortunately, a concept of sta- . It is easier to recognie when a plan cation (CDE) is dedicated bility – one home, one bed – for chil- needs to be modified if its terms are to advocating for children dren still prevails. The concept has clearly spelled out in detail. and helping parents to minimize the harm- been emphasied too much in many . The time and energy of the courts ful effects that divorce and separation has courts, and it is to the detriment of the and lawyers will be better used if a on children. child’s other needs. They need strong plan is specific. It will result in few- online.divorce-education.com and meaningful relationships with er phone calls in the middle of the

Children and Divorce Guide | 19 hen marriage ends, many par- ents struggle with feelings of anger and sadness, as well as PARENTING Wpotential feelings of inadequacy, mak- ing parenting a di cult task. When you were married, you likely had some par- RESPONSIBLY enting tasks that you did very well and others that you struggled with. ow, however, you must do all of the parent- ing tasks when your child is with you, ON YOUR OWN and you might not always be as capable as you’d like. Parents in confl ict tend to externalie blame and avoid looking inward when problems develop. You might blame your ex-spouse for any problems your child experiences, with- out realiing that it could be related to your own parenting. In trying to make By Philip Dr. Stahl up for the loss of the family unit, you may overindulge your child and try to By doing the best job of parenting possible and taking per- buy her love. This is especially true for non-custodial parents, who often sonal responsibility for your role as a parent, you can meet feel guilty about their limited time and your child’s needs in the healthiest possible way. involvement with their children.

Children and Divorce Guide | 20 Some divorced parents want to be the key is to ignore it. Don’t become to your own parenting ob and attempt friends with their child, losing sight of defensive or return the baseless criti- to improve it. If you focus on blam- their duty to provide structure, guid- cism yourself – ust ignore it. Thus, ing the other parent, you are teaching ance, and appropriate discipline. This a two-pronged approach of thinking your child to blame others for problems may cause children to become manipu- about the criticism and learning from in his life. The best way to teach your lative, attempting to pit you against the your mistakes, in addition to ignoring child to be responsible is to model self- other parent. They may also attempt to baseless criticism, is the healthiest way responsibility as his parent. get you to interact with each other with to deal with criticism from the other the hope that you will reunite. nder parent. Be a Parent, Not a Friend such circumstances, it’s easy to become If the criticism comes from your When parents divorce, it is common insecure about your new role as a child, however, your ob is more com- for one or both to feel guilty about the divorced parent. By doing the best ob plicated. Becoming defensive only breakup of the family. This guilt often of parenting possible and taking per- increases your child’s exposure to the causes parents to want to be a friend, sonal responsibility for your role as a conflict; ignoring the criticism with- rather than a parent, to their children, parent, you can meet your child’s needs out comment, however, may lead your especially non-custodial parents who in the healthiest possible way. child to think that the criticiing parent may have less time with their children is correct. The best solution when faced than they would like. If you act too much Stop Worrying About Criticism with criticism that comes like a friend, you are abdicat- from the Other Parent through your child is to ing your responsibility One of the most frustrating things you ask her how she feels as a parent. While may face in parenting after divorce is about the issue, parents have rules constant criticism from the other parent. respond to her One of the most and structure, Parents are at risk of being criticied stated feelings, and encourage about many aspects of parenting, includ- and encourage frustrating things responsible ing your child’s bedtime, diet, activi- her to always behavior, a ties, the manner in which you assist express you may face in friend will be with school work, and your methods her feel- parenting after divorce more likely of discipline. ings to you to support It’s common for criticism by the about your is constant criticism immature other parent to increase when hostility parenting. from the other parent. behavior and during the divorce increases. The best Your best irresponsibility. way for divorced parents to interact is response in any One way to to question each other about their con- situation is to fol- be a parent and a cerns. More typically, however, the crit- low up on your child’s friend is to encourage icism comes in the form of derogatory feelings and explain your child to share his statements made to children, friends, yourself. Stop and think about thoughts and feelings. Support relatives, or professionals working with the impact of your parenting, respond your child’s activities and interests, nur- the family. The most damaging aspect to your child’s feelings, and ignore the ture your child, and be there in times of of such criticism is when it is voiced to criticism from your ex-spouse. This need. Often, the tendency of divorced your children. o matter how ustified will allow you to be an effective parent, parents is to ignore the responsibili- you feel in your anger, it’s important and also help keep your child out of the ties of being a parent and attempt to to refrain from making negative state- middle of your divorce conflicts. be a friend by overindulging him with ments about the other parent to your things that he demands, providing few children. Take Self-Responsibility limits, and encouraging him to avoid It is also difficult to be on the Effective parallel parenting requires maintaining a healthy relationship with receiving end of such criticisms. If taking responsibility for your own the other parent. someone is questioning your parenting parenting to do the best ob you can, techniques, you should first consider while ignoring your ex’s parenting. Disciplining and Loving Your whether there is any validity to the criti- ather than focusing on your percep- Child cism. If, however, you feel the criticism tion of inadequate parenting by your The most effective discipline is given is baseless after some consideration, ex, it is critical that you pay attention in a loving manner, and for children

Children and Divorce Guide | 21 of divorce, this is especially criti- school, homework, chores, and play- would with the parent of a friend. If cal. esearch suggests that authorita- time. Don’t overindulge your child you do, your child is more likely to tive parenting is the healthiest form because of your own feelings of use such blackmail in the future. ust of parenting; it emphasies nurturing guilt. Instead, encourage coopera- as you’d deal with criticism from the and sensitivity to your child’s feelings tion, responsible behavior, and healthy other parent, the best solution is to while simultaneously providing rules, social interaction in your child. Be ignore your child’s blackmail, while structure, and reasonable discipline. consistent in setting limits and follow still paying attention to his feelings. Children whose parents have divorced through in order to maintain respon- Make sure your child understands may feel insecure about relationships. If sible discipline for your children. why you’ve made this rule, encour- your discipline is harsh, and not given emember: the goal of discipline age and support responsible behavior in a loving manner, your child may feel is to teach, not to punish. When you on his part, and work toward resolv- insecure about your love. ather than discipline your child, set limits, and ing your differences. Keep in mind telling your child what she can’t do, tell tell her no, you must also express that some limit-testing behavior is to her what you want her to do and why your love. By disciplining your child be expected and may not be related to you want her to do it. in healthy ways, you’re showing him anything that the other parent is doing. Discipline should be provided in a that you love him. Showing your child It’s important for you to be flex- consistent, loving, and natural environ- love and positive attention also reduces ible. igid rules increase the pos- ment. Parents learn that natural conse- the need to punish him, allowing you sibility of a power struggle where quences – where the consequence of to nurture his healthy development in there are no winners. If your child one’s behavior naturally flows from the social relationships. tries to change the rules, negotiate behavior itself – are the most produc- to see if a more flexible approach tive. Your child is more likely to learn Avoiding Your Child’s makes sense. If your child is willing from her mistakes if she is free to make Blackmail to compromise, and you can be flex- the mistakes, and if the consequences When children of divorce spend time in ible, it is possible to accomplish what for those mistakes make sense. This is two different homes, it is easy for them you both want. This teaches your preferable to a power struggle. to pit one parent against the other. Your child that you’re willing to talk out In addition to using natural con- child might do this to encourage you differences, attempt to resolve them, sequences, it is also important to teach and your ex-spouse to be in contact with and find solutions that work for both your child to learn from his mis- one another in the hope that of you. It is best if you have an ini- takes. You can model this you get back together. tial structure and reasonable rules in by apologiing for your However, your your house, along with a willingness mistakes and helping child can also to be flexible. These standards will your child under- become merce- allow you to teach responsibility to stand how and nary at times, your children while maintaining self- why you made Remember: demanding responsibility as parents.  them. Support things from your children the goal of discipline each of you. This article has been in using ver- By saying adapted with permission bal methods is to teach, things such from Parenting After to understand not to punish. as, Dad Divorce: esolving Con- differences and will buy me flicts and Meeting Your resolve conflicts. that computer Children’s eeds (Impact Interacting with if I spend more Publishers, second edi- the other parent in a time with him, or tion, 2007) by Philip responsible way demon- Mom will let me go M. Stahl (Ph.D.). Reproduced with per- strates healthy conflict resolu- to the dance even if my mission of Impact Publishers; further tion skills that your children can put to homework isn’t done, your child is, reproduction prohibited. www.impactpub- use with their friends and siblings. in essence, blackmailing you. lishers.com. Dr. Stahl is a board-certified Another important aspect of dis- As a divorced parent, you shouldn’t forensic psychologist specializing in high cipline is setting reasonable structures respond differently to blackmail asso- conflict divorce in Maricopa County, AZ. in the home for mealtime, bedtime, ciated with the other parent than you www.parentingafterdivorce.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 22 11 Ways to Maintain a Good Relationship with Your Children After Divorce Divorce can be hard on your kids. Here are some tips on how to create or maintain a positive relationship with your children after divorce.

By Kathleen Shaul

fter a divorce, many parental relationships are strained due to the bruised egos and feel- Aings of failure. However, divorce, as well as separation, is much harder on the kids, as they don’t under- stand all of the details or why everything has changed.

How to Build or Maintain a Good Relationship with Your Children After Divorce It takes more work when trying to keep children’s worlds from turning upside down and staying that way after divorce. They have many feelings that they suppress at younger ages, or they may have out- bursts of anger at the changing situation. All of their reactions make both parents feel inadequate in maintaining a good relationship. Fortunately, there are many tips on ways to maintain a good relation- ship with children after divorce.

Children and Divorce Guide | 23 Don’t Discuss Adult Issues with Children parents – such as play games, go to the park, or shop for and 1 Your children aren’t the ones that caused the divorce then cook a kid-friendly meal. The chances are that if they shop and are too young to realie that each ex-spouse may have less and cook with you, they will be less picky eaters and have fun income that leads to maor stress. Kids don’t need to hear about with food. the things they can’t have anymore because the custodial parent can’t pay for it by himself or herself. Invite Their Friends to Activities and Events 7 Children often talk to their friends about a divorce. Their Never Speak Badly About Your Ex in Front of friends are a part of their support system and as such, it is a good 2 Your Kids idea to invite their friends to go places with you. Whether it’s When children hear parents that are married arguing, it upsets a camping trip over a weekend, going to a theme park or ust them too. After a divorce, each parent should try to maintain going to a movie, it will help your kids to become more secure a relationship more as a friend of the other without arguing or in their newfound parental relationships. fighting in front of the kids. This type of behavior tends to upset kids more and can lead to unhealthy reactions of all kinds. Spend as Much Time as Possible with Your Kids 8 Try not to use a babysitter or a daycare if at all possible. Don’t Ask Your Children About Your Ex If you have some event you must attend and it falls on the time 3 When the children go for a visit with the non-custodial when your kids are with you, try asking your ex to watch the parent, don’t ask specifically about your ex. It’s okay to ask children rather than having a babysitter do so. This can help to them what they did or where they went on their visit, but leave build the new, post-divorce family’s dynamics and make your out asking for personal details on the other parent. In the same kids feel more secure. sense, the non-custodial parent shouldn’t dig for personal infor- mation on their ex. There is a two-fold reason for this: kids may Don’t Send Messages via Your Children misinterpret something and tell the other parent something that 9 Don’t ask a child to relay information to the other parent. isn’t quite correct or more from their point of view, which may This can cause friction in the entire relationship. Your children not be true. This is the beginning of pitting your children against aren’t pawns and shouldn’t be treated as such. Kids need to be your ex, which should never be done. ust kids and not messengers. Asking your kids to relay mes- sages can cause them to feel as if they need to take sides with Stay in Close Contact with Your Kids one parent or another, which is a very unhealthy relationship. 4 In this day of technology, even the youngest kids are involved in the digital world. You can Skype children, even if Listen with Open Ears they are very young, so they can see and hear you. For older 10 Make sure your kids realie that you are concerned children, keep your lines of communication open to where they with every aspect of their lives. When they are communicat- can email you or Facebook you at any time. This allows them to ing with you, give them your undivided attention to show how have a more regular relationship – like when their parents were important their words are to you. You can try to guide younger married. You can also schedule regular phone calls that work children, but teenagers may push back. Don’t try to control a well with everyone’s schedule at a time when both households teenager in a divorce situation, but instead listen to their wor- are calm. ries and try to teach them how to solve problems on their own. Ask your kids questions that are pertinent to their age level. Younger children pretty much go to school and go home, Be Predictable and Consistent but you can ask about their favorite subect in school that they 11 Make sure that you pick up or take home the chil- excel in to keep in the know. Ask older children what they did dren at the time you should be there. If parents are even a few for fun or talk about movies you watched together. minutes late, the children will likely know, even if they can’t tell time yet. The stress of divorce is hard enough on all persons Attend Your Children’s Extracurricular involved without extra stress from tardiness. 5 Activities Following these tips can help you to maintain a great rela- As often as you possibly can, strive to attend most or all of tionship with children after divorce. After all, everyone loses a your kids’ extracurricular activities. Whether it is sports, dance lot in a divorce, but the biggest loss to a parent is a child and lessons, school-related field trips or music recitals, make it a the biggest loss to a child is a parent. ive your life in a manner point to be there. If only one parent shows up and takes interest that guides your children to be understanding, caring, and com- in these activities, the children will regret that the other parent mitted ust as you are to a great relationship.  is not there and this will cause more stress in the relationship. Kathleen E. Shaul is a skilled divorce and family Make the Kids Your Main Focus attorney who has been practicing family law in 6 When you have parenting time with your kids, keep St. Louis, Missouri since 1995. She concentrates anything that will divert your attention away from them to a her practice exclusively in family law. minimum. Kids actually love to do simple things with their www.kshaul-law.com

Children and Divorce Guide | 24 Common Questions Children Ask (and Some Simple Responses)

By Dr. Lisa René Reynolds Children ask many questions during and after a divorce. Some of these questions take parents by surprise, and they are often uncertain of how to answer them.

Children and Divorce Guide | 25 he following are a few tough questions children have “Why don’t I see my cousin Rachel anymore?” asked in my sessions and some simple, direct ways for If it’s because of the parenting plan arrangement, an appropri- parents to respond. Parents should consider the child’s ate answer might be: Sometimes after a divorce, because the Tage and modify their responses to address the speci c situa- kids don’t always see each parent all the time and on every tion. There is no one right way to answer a child’s questions. holiday, the kids see less of certain family members, too. However, the following suggestions are good starting points Maybe we can talk to Dad about getting you together with for parents who are struggling with what to say to their kids. achel sometime soon. If it’s because a family member has taken sides against “Why are you and Mom getting a divorce?” one parent and refuses to see that parent, a fitting response There are many reasons your Mom and I are getting divorced. might be: Sometimes a divorce can bring up strong feelings ots of the reasons you will not be able to understand until you and opinions for other family members, and their anger or are older. There are lots of things that Mom and I disagree on, hurt makes them want a little space from the family. We’ll ust and these things are so important that neither one of us can have to wait and see what happens and we’ll try to talk to her give up what we think and feel. I know it’s confusing to you later when she’s had some time to think about things. now, but we’ll keep talking about it and one day when you’re older you might be able to understand it all a little bit better. “Do I have to like Mom’s new boyfriend?” Of course we can’t make you like someone, but we would “Do you still love Daddy?” like for you to give Mom’s new boyfriend a chance. It would o, I don’t love Daddy the way I used to. It takes a very be easier for everyone if it turned out that you liked him, even special kind of love to make a marriage last. It doesn’t work ust a little bit, because he will be spending a lot of time with the same way that always loving your child works. Another the family. response might be: Of course I still love Daddy, but not in the way I used to. There are many different kinds of love, “But if Dad lets me do it, why can’t you?” and the kind you need to make a marriage work, we don’t People are different and parents are different, too. I know have anymore. it’s hard to get used to following two sets of rules at the two different homes, but that’s ust the way it is going to be. ust “Why do you hate Mommy so much?” because Dad lets you do it isn’t a good enough reason for I don’t hate Mommy. I get angry with her, yes. But I have got- me to feel comfortable letting you do it. ten angry at many people in my life and not hated them. Your Mom is a great person in a lot of ways and there are things I “When will Dad stop acting like a jerk?” like about her very much. But Mommy and I are disagreeing I can’t answer that. I don’t know why your Dad says and does about lots of things right now and sometimes we get frustrated certain things. I can’t speak for your Dad, but I think that if and mad at each other. We’ll work it all out, though. you feel that strongly about how he is acting, it’s important for you to talk to him about it.  “If I promise to be really good, will you get back together?” All kids show good and bad behavior sometimes. Being good Dr. Lisa René Reynolds is a therapist special- or not good is not ever the reason parents get divorced. So, izing in marriage counseling and therapy with no, if you change your behavior, it won’t mean that we will families going through divorce. She teaches get back together. So ust keep being you, exactly like you a court-mandated divorce-parenting class for are, because that’s who we love so much, no matter what. the State of Connecticut. This article has been excerpted from her book Still a Family: A uide “Why did Daddy leave us?” to ood Parenting through Divorce (Amacom, Daddy didn’t leave us. Daddy left the house. Daddy left the 2009), which offers practical, down-to-earth advice to help you marriage. But Daddy did not, and will not, ever leave you. guide your children through this challenging time.

Children and Divorce Guide | 26 Forging the Path Ahead Life after divorce is about more than just surviving; allow yourself to learn from life’s After Divorce changes so you can thrive as an individual, and as a parent.

By Carolyn B. Ellis

any would agree that parenting and divorce are two of life’s biggest Mchallenges. Many people would agree that being a parent is also one of life’s biggest rewards and blessings. We learn so much about ourselves and what we are made of when we take on the responsibility to love and raise another human being. I wonder how many people would oin me in saying that getting divorced can also be one of life’s biggest rewards and bless- ings. Please don’t think that I’m an advocate for divorce and that more people should run out and get one. ot at all. What I am say- ing is if an intimate relationship is unhappy, unfulfilling, or even unsafe, divorce may be what’s needed. ather than viewing divorce as a shameful admission of failure, I encour- age you to shift your perspective to one of curiosity and wonder. Ask yourself if you’re willing to wring every drop of wisdom and life lessons for yourself from your divorce experience? Are you willing to allow your divorce to open up a new kind of relation- ship with your children that’s founded on conscious choice and partnership? Are you ready to take the bull by the horns and thrive after divorce?

Children and Divorce Guide | 27 Thrive After Divorce – Do It for Thrive After Divorce – Do It for • Expression: I am committed to Your Children Yourself being my authentic self. I express My children gave me the fuel I needed ltimately, the most important relation- all my emotions in healthy ways. I to heal from my divorce. oing ship you need to cultivate and heal is feel vital and alive. through my divorce, I was definitely the one you have with yourself. Your hurting and confused. Seeing the hurt relationship with yourself determines Let’s Make a Deal and confusion in my children’s faces the quality of relationship you can have If you’ve come this far, you are clearly as I interacted with them in those early with anyone else. It profoundly affects motivated to make a change. et’s make days woke me up and motivated me to the quality of the relationship you can a deal, shall we? Try some of the action do whatever it took to heal my heart so have with your children as well. steps. Simply allow yourself to experi- I could love them fully. I could see that Among my friends, I had the repu- ment with them and try them on for a if I shrank back from making tough tation of being a very compassionate week. decisions or denied my pain, I would person. People could count on me to If you don’t notice a change in pass on a heritage of denial and mar- listen and support them in any way I your mind-set or a feeling of lightness tyrdom to my children. I didn’t want could. The divorce forced me to turn opening up inside your heart, you have to leave that legacy. I would rather my my lens onto myself; I was amaed at a choice to make. You can continue on children grow up with their own unique how little compassion, listening, and anyway, fueled by your vision, or you struggles and dramas and learn to solve trust I had for myself. My divorce can always go back to your old ways. them, rather than recycling or repeating revealed to me how little respon- You may not be willing to give up some their mother’s emotional issues sibility I had assumed for my own of these pitfalls right away. Progress is Children are the innocent vic- well-being and happiness. I had been more important than perfection. The tims of divorce. Whether it’s through blindly putting the burden of my point is to become aware of these pit- the divorce process itself or the cold happiness and self-worth into the falls and choose a different strategy war between ex-spouses that can hands of other people: my children, that can better support you and your ensue afterward, children pay the my husband, my friends, and my work children. price – they pay the price in their self- colleagues. One of the greatest gifts The important thing is to simply esteem and their ability to create suc- from my divorce has been to learn how start somewhere and take action. et cessful intimate relationships of their to trust myself and to realie the only started today I have no doubt you will own. Some children act out their pain person who needed to approve of me see some great things starting to open through lower academic achievement, was me up as a result.  falling in with the wrong peer group, ltimately, we are the co-creators using drugs, committing crimes, and of our reality. You deserve to thrive and more. flourish after divorce. Try out these This article has been adapted with per- What kind of legacy do you want affirmations to help you live a full life mission from The 7 Pitfalls Of Single to leave your children now that you post-divorce: Parenting: What to Avoid to Help are divorced? The impact of how you • Trust: I trust myself. I trust that Your Children Thrive After Divorce by raise your children goes even beyond everything happens for a reason. I Carolyn B. Ellis ©2007 iUniverse. your immediate family. Think of the trust that I can handle everything ripples created when you drop a stone life brings me. Carolyn B. Ellis is the into a pond. The immediate circle is • Honesty: I am willing to tell the Founder of Thrive After your biological family. Your children truth to myself and others. Honesty Divorce and Brilliance in turn have an impact on their friends really is the best policy. Mastery. She is an award and peer group. The ripples, in turn, • Responsibility: I am responsible for winning coach, transfor- affect the broader community and my thoughts, words, and actions. mational expert, and society in which we live. I am responsible for my own author. Combining her Do you realie that how you raise self-care. deep intuitive abilities your children has a huge impact that • Integrity: I do what I say. I say what with her Harvard-trained brain, Carolyn extends far beyond the current genera- I do. I am a person of my word. specializes in helping individuals navigate tion? What choices would you make in • Vision: I am fueled and guided by change and uncertainty by tapping into how you parent your children if you con- the big picture I create for my life. their own inner brilliance and emotional sider you are raising the parent of your I am willing to move toward my resilience. To learn more, please visit grandchildren or the great-grandparent vision, even if I don’t know how I www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com or www. of your great-great-grandchildren? will get there. BrillianceMastery.com.

Children and Divorce Guide | 28 Rules for Introducing a New Partner 5 to Your Kids After Divorce

ne of the most common questions divorced parents ask me is: When should I introduce my new partner to my children? My best answer is to take your time dating after divorce and Odon’t introduce your new love to your kids if you are dating casu- ally. While it’s normal to seek solace, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether this relationship is casual or might be permanent. By Terry Gaspard, Licensed Therapist Timing is Key The number-one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce a new partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. Consider how long you've been What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have divorced, your children's ages, and a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. ext, the setting and length of the first introduction is how committed you are before intro- crucial to success. Meeting in an informal setting may help your ducing your new partner. Waiting will kids feel more relaxed. ather than planning a long visit, it’s best pay off for everyone in the long run. to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.

Children and Divorce Guide | 29 Another important consideration when introducing your 3. Consider your children’s needs for security and reassur- kids to a new love interest is their age. Truth be told, younger ance. Introducing your new love to your kids too soon can children under age may feel confused, angry, or sad increase stress in the house and take energy away from your because they tend to be possessive of their parents. enowned kids’ ability to grieve the loss of their intact family. Be sure researcher Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., who conducted a -year to give your kids lots of reassurance that you have plenty of study of children of divorce, concluded that most children find love to go around. their parent’s courtship behaviors confusing and strange. 4. Ask yourself: Is this person a good fit for my family? On the other hand, adolescents may appear more accept- After all, you might have great chemistry with someone, ing of your new partner than younger children, but they may but they might not be best suited to become part of your still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Dr. family. Ahrons also found that teenagers may find open affection 5. Invite your children’s feedback for ideas about how and between their parent and a partner troubling – so go easy on when they meet your new partner for the first time. If physical contact in front of them. Do you want your teenager you’ve been dating someone for a while and feel relatively to model their behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to and your kids to build new relationships thoughtfully. your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Rushing Can Cause Anguish for Everyone Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting I’ve witnessed many new relationships go sour when a partner short and low key. oing to a restaurant or neutral spot for is introduced to children too quickly. It can cause anguish for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to everyone – especially children who are probably holding on go and don’t invite your partner’s children to oin you on to the idea that their parents will get back together. It may take the first few visits. time for your children to accept a new person in their life. Be sure to be careful about sleepovers with your partner For example, Caroline, a -year-old teacher, described when you have children living with you. Don’t plan an over- her new partner Kevin as thoughtful, affectionate, and a great night with your new partner in your home right away because match for her. They had been dating for a little over two months it can increase rivalry between them and your kids. If you co- and she was head over heels in love with him. But she began parent, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when questioning their relationship when her daughter Baylie, age your children are with your ex. Having your new partner spend eight, starting complaining about Kevin coming over – espe- the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that cially when his nine-year-old son, yan, came along for the your relationship is permanent or you are engaged. visit. She didn’t understand why Baylie didn’t share her enthu- et your children know that you have an abundance of siasm for Kevin because he was so perfect for their family. love to go around. It’s crucial that you assure your kids that As Caroline spoke, disappointment was apparent in her your partner will not replace their other parent or change your voice: Kevin’s ust so ideal for our family and I can really relationship with them. Don’t be surprised if your children be myself with him. He has a son and is a great dad. I figured reect your new partner at first. Some kids express anger or that Baylie would like him because he’s a lot of fun and I was defiance and may even threaten to move out – or go to live with blindsided when she started complaining about him. their other parent full-time. Adopt realistic expectations about During our second session, I asked Caroline if she had your children’s acceptance of your new partner. ust because thought through any disadvantages of introducing her daugh- you are enthralled with this person, it doesn’t mean that your ter Baylie to Kevin so soon. She paused and said not really kids will share your enthusiasm. and so I asked her to write down a list of pros and cons for her homework assignment. When Caroline arrived for her Wait Until Your Kids Have Healed next session, she reported that she was having second thoughts The key to successful parenting post-divorce is helping your about whether she had rushed into including Kevin in so many kids heal from your breakup, and introducing them to a new activities with Baylie, and she realied that Baylie was seeing love too soon might complicate, delay, or damage this process. him as a rival for her attention. You can simply tell your kids that you’re going out with a new friend and that’s enough information. Consider the amount of Here are the 5 Rules: time since your divorce, the age of your children, and the level 1. Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after of commitment to your partner. Waiting to introduce your new divorce. Children need time to adust to their parents’ split partner will pay off for everyone in the long run.  and it can take a year or two for them to get over anger, sad- ness, and other emotions. If you introduce your children to Terry Gaspard (MSW, LICSW) is a licensed thera- someone who you are dating casually, this may complicate pist, college instructor, and nonfiction author spe- their adustment to your divorce. cializing in divorce, women’s issues, children, and 2. Remember that your kids may view your new love as relationships. As a therapist, she helps people heal a rival. ust because you are smitten with your partner, it from the pain they experience related to divorce doesn’t mean that your kids will share your feeling. and other losses. www.movingpastdivorce.com

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