Stanmore & Canons Park

Bnei Preparation Advice & Guidelines

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Stanmore & Canons Park Synagogue ...... 1 Bnei Mitzvah Preparation Advice & Guidelines...... 1 Initial points ...... 3 Bar Mitzvah Teacher...... 3 Bar Mitzvah...... 3 Mid week service ...... 3 Bat Mitzvah...... 4 KOLOT...... 5 Shabbat Seating ...... 5 Men ...... 5 Women...... 5 Seating for Bat Mitzvah...... 5 Call ups ...... 5 Alternative Mitzvot...... 6 Kiddush ...... 7 Newsletter ...... 7 Special Needs ...... 7 Kosher Functions ...... 7 Delayed BM...... 8 SMILE and Bnei Mitzvah education & Contact with Rabonnim ...... 8 ...... 8 Friday night ...... 9 Non-Jewish guests ...... 9 Security ...... 9 Sweets ...... 10 Shabbat mincha – afternoon service ...... 10 Shared shul functions...... 10 Shared Barmitzvah ...... 11 Shared ...... 11 Twins...... 11 Boy – boy...... 11 Boy - girl...... 11 Girl – girl...... 11 Presentations in shul ...... 12 Twinning the Simchah ...... 12 Bereaved Children ...... 12 Separated Parents ...... 12 Donations...... 12

2 Initial points

1 Check your membership is up to date Check your child’s Hebrew with the

2 Check your booking is verified by the office. Confirmation of the date will not be possible before 18 months prior to the Barmitzvah 3 Check the date of your party does not fall into the period of the Omer or the 3 Weeks. The Rabbi will be delighted to guide you in this area.

The shul office is here to help you.

Bar Mitzvah Teacher

• The office has a list of teachers approved by the United Synagogue (US).

• Our list of teachers is cleared by the US.

• Our list of teachers are verified by the Home Office Criminal Record Bureau checks as being free from conviction. We strongly advise you only to use these teachers.

• Most teachers charge!

• Tell your child to practice! practice! practice!

Bar Mitzvah

Normally a Shabbat service

Some people opt for a mid week service

Mid week service

Increasing numbers of people opt for a mid-week call up as soon as possible after their actual Hebrew birthday date in addition to the main Shabbat ceremony. On that morning they will read their b’rachot and possibly, additionally the mid-week le’ining. This is the first part of the weekly reading, the sedra.

3 The Bar Mitzvah boy and family finds the atmosphere is warm and less intimidating with fewer people than on Shabbat. Often the family will provide a very small l’chaim Kiddush at the end of the service with Whiskey, Kiddush wine and orange juice and some biscuits. For large families this provides an opportunity to offer mitzvot, shul service honours, to members of their families where the numbers are very large and it would not be impossible to fit everybody in on Shabbat alone.

If you would like the mid week option please contact the shul office who will inform arrange this with you.

Bat Mitzvah

Options:

• Shabbat service with D’var in shul • Sunday afternoon service in shul • Midweek service in shul • Lunch at home with special cermony • Function with special ceremony • Womens’ tefillah group ceremony

If your daughter is to present her D’var Torah in shul this is normally at the conclusion of the service. Your daughter will be invited to come into the downstairs section of the synagogue, normally with her father, and proceed to the front while the choir sing a song of welcome.

After she has completed her presentation she will be blessed and spoken to by the Rabbi.

If your daughter is to have a mid week or Sunday event we would like to invite her to shul on the Shabbat preceding the ceremony. We will give her father, and if possible other family members, Aliyot to the Bima. After her father’s Aliya, the rabbi will ask her to stand up in the ladies section when he will bless her with a special Bat Mitzvah prayer.

In order to help make your Bat Mitzvah preparations as enjoyable as possible, a synagogue representative will contact you about a year before hand. Their role is to help with any queries you may have and to act as a liaison between your family and the Synagogue. This liaison will continue throughout the run up to your daughter's Bat Mitzvah. The Rabbi will contact you approximately four months before hand to discuss progress in arrangements for the ceremony and one of the Wardens will contact you approximately a month before to confirm and finalise the details for your special day.

4 KOLOT

Kolot is a unique opportunity for Batmitzva girls in year-7, and their mothers, to study together every other week on the subject of Jewish Women through the ages. Sponsored by Emunah and LSJS, this highly successful and popular programme allows mothers and daughters to learn together both in a 'chavruta' (a pair) and as part of a group in a relaxed and informal manner. The programme includes challah baking, simcha dancing, a visit to a and a celebratory party (siyyum) with the other Kolot groups around London. "I really loved the chance to spend time studying with my mother. It made my Batmitzva much more meaningful and rewarding." Savanna Goodman, Kolot 2005/6. For more information contact Jo Bruce on 020 8203 6427 .

Shabbat Seating

Men The shul is very crowded on most Shabbatot. Usually there is enough seating for everybody. We make every effort to keep everybody within a family together.

The front three rows in the middle section of the shul are normally reserved for the Bar Mitzvah himself and immediate family. The two rows behind are reserved for others within the Bar Mitzvah party. If you are expecting a large crowd, please let us know through the shul office and we will keep the fourth row reserved as well.

Women The Bar Mitzvah family sit at the front, on the left of the women’s section as one enters the ladies gallery. Again seats will normally be reserved but please let us know if you are anticipating a large crowd.

Seating for Bat Mitzvah (if ceremony is on Sunday and the Shabbat is shared with a Barmitzvah)

The Bat Mitzvah’s male family members will normally be asked to sit on the left hand side as you enter the shul, by the rabbi’s seat. The female family members will be asked to sit on the right hand side of the shul as you enter.

Call ups

5 It is usually very difficult to fit everybody in.

During the reading, leining, of the weekly portion, there are breaks where men are called to the Bimah at the front of the synagogue, and given the honour to stand up next to whomever is reading the portion that week. At each break someone else is called. Most Bar Mitzva boys will read the final portion, the Maftir, and then the Haftorah which is from the chumash book rather than from the Torah. Some Bar Mitzvah boys opt to Lein more, some less. Each call-up is called an Aliyah.

Naturally the Bar Mitzvah boy has a special aliya. If he is reading a considerable part of the sedra with Haftorah, his own call-up and b’rachot, blessings, will be at the Maftir. If he is doing a section in the middle of the sedra alone then his call up and b’rachot will be there.

There are seven mandated splits each week but the Rabbi normally allows us to split the weekly reading in extras places. There is a strict limit however and each sedra is different.

Besides the Bar Mitzvah boy we will always call up the father and hopefully, the grandfathers as well.

There is a considerable demand for aliyot by the community. Although on his Bar Mitzvah the boy is treated as being very special, we have to allocate available aliyot to other members of the community as well. Often there is another simcha in the shul – an engagement, a birth or a wedding anniversary. People who are observing the Yahrtzeit, the memorial for relatives who have died, have a priority and with the size of the community it is difficult to fit in everyone’s demands although best efforts are made at all times.

One of the wardens should contact you about a month beforehand to discuss this with you. Please have ready the Hebrew and English names of those to whom you wish to give an aliya and whether they are cohen or levi. It is also useful to know the relationship to the Barmitzvah e.g. paternal grandfather, maternal uncle etc.

Alternative Mitzvot

Some family members may not wish to have an honour where Hebrew reading is involved. There are other Mitzvot, honours, we can offer family members to perform: to open the Ark when the Torah scrolls are taken out and returned; to lift the , Hagbah. The scrolls are very heavy especially once fully adorned. When selecting a person for Hagbah this should be borne in mind..

6 Kiddush

The Barmitzvah family normally provide the Kiddush for members of the community after the service.

The shul has a strict rule about the weekly shabbat Kiddush. Though the quantity may vary according to anticipated numbers, the quality and ‘grandeur’ of the Kiddush are consistent so we may avoid discrimination.

A private Kiddush at the shul is not allowed.

The shul office has the list of quantities of biscuits cakes and drinks to buy and you may purchase these yourselves. Alternatively there is a local kosher deli who is willing to supply a Kiddush with a single phone call. The office will give you details. All food provided must be strictly Kosher. Details can be confirmed with the United Synagogue department.

Newsletter

The shul prints a weekly news sheet and publishes a website which will name the Barmitzvah boy and his immediate family. Should you want a special message of a few words to include family members, please let the office know. Details as to accessing the website are available from the Shul office.

Special Needs

Some children initially find the Bar Mitzvah and Hebrew reading difficult. The quality of reading is important, however we are sensitive to people with special needs. If this is the case please have a word with Rabbi Lew or Rabbi Shaw who can advise and guide you on this matter.

Kosher Functions

This event in your child’s life is a religious and we would most strongly recommend and encourage that on this religious landmark in your child’s life, all food is strictly kosher. Please contact the shul office for details of all kosher caterers, many of whom are very affordable.

7 There is a difference between kosher food and ‘jewish style’ food. All kosher food must be certified kosher or be in the kosher food guide produced by the London Bet Din, copies of which are available from the shul office

Any event arranged on the shul premises must strictly follow the rules of the synagogue which will be explained, if needed, by the office.

Delayed BM

It is not uncommon for a Bar or Bat mitzvah celebration to be delayed for a variety of reasons.

Please remember the technical day of your son’s Bar Mitzvah is the day immediately following his HEBREW, 13th, birthday; similarly 12th birthday for a girl

For the boy, if for any reason there is a delay in the formal celebrations, it is important he should nevertheless be called up in a synagogue service. This may be a low key affair in the youth service with no fanfair and fuss or something more elaborate may be arranged. Please contact Rabbi Lew and Rabbi Shaw if this should be the case.

SMILE and Bnei Mitzvah education & Contact with Rabonnim

Rabbi Lew and Rabbi Shaw wish to meet all Bar Mitzvah boys and their families ahead of their Barmitzvah. It is best you contact them several months before your simcha to arrange a mutually convivial date.

One excellent preparation for Bar and Bat Mitzvah at Stanmore is our facility to enrol in our highly successful SMILE programme. SMILE stands for Sunday Morning Interactive Learning Experience. The course runs for 2 years and has proven to be a huge success in the Stanmore community. It is open to all children in year 7 and year 8 regardless of whether they attend Jewish or non Jewish schools. You will receive more details from the youth department when your child is coming to the end of year 6.

For more information please speak to Rabbi Shaw

Tefillin

At his Bar Mitzvah a boy is priviledges to start putting on Tefillin. These contain special texts from the shema prayer in the Torah on carefully prepared scrolls within crafted boxes.

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The procedure for putting the on Tefillin is something which must be taught properly and requires careful guidance. Once learnt and practiced it is something usually permanently remembered. In order to ease the task, the Tefillin should be purchased as early as possible in the Barmitzvah course. Please ensure your Bar Mitzvah teacher incorporates this within his lessons to your son.

Those who attend SMILE will be helped with this, but his teacher is best qualified to assist your child. One-on-one is a far more powerful method of instruction.

Friday night

Although the main event is on the Shabbat morning, the Friday night service is relatively short and warm in atmosphere. We would recommend very strongly you bring your son to shul on the Friday night. This adds considerable excitement to the whole occasion.

Non-Jewish guests

Many families and their children have non-Jewish friends. The shul office has a prepared personalised leaflet to print out and give to non-Jewish people during what could be an otherwise confusing ceremony.

These will only be produced on request though. Please let the shul office know if they are needed.

Security The Synagogue uses security staff who, as far as possible, do not stop and question members and visitors who are obviously guests, but do stop people who, for one reason or another, they perceive to be a risk. Please let our security team know, either by emailing our head of security or by informing the Synagogue office, the names and descriptions of any of your guests whose appearance could bring them under suspicion so that they can be let in without any possible embarrassment.

Our security teams are instructed not to refuse entry into the Synagogue anyone carrying a gift or a camera, and all visitors are asked to ensure that mobile phones are switched off. Visitors are asked not to park their cars in the immediate vicinity of the Synagogue. The car park in not in use on Shabbat.

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Sweets

The Honorary Officers currently allow sweet throwing at the point in the service where the Bar mitzvah boy finishes his reading and blessings. Please ensure

• All sweets are kosher • All sweets are brought to shul ahead of Shabbat starting on Friday night • All guests, especially youth, are instructed to throw sweets gently!

Shabbat mincha – afternoon service

We encourage Bar Mitzva boys to return to shul on Shabbat afternoon for the shorter mincha, afternoon service. We normally offer the Bar mItzva boy the mitzvah of gelila, dressing the Sefer Torah, when he does so.

Shared shul functions

The synagogue is the religious hub of a large and very busy community. Many weeks we have people sharing their smachot. Please be understanding and work favourably with other families if asked to share an anniversary or another simcha. This wil enhance your own occasion.

This often means that it is difficult to fit in every member of the family to whom one would wish to offer a Mitzva. Kindly bear this in mind.

Many times, but not always, families will wish to share the kiddush.

When this occurs, the shul office will advise the quantity of food and drink that will need to be purchased but of course the cost will be shared by those contributing.

In terms of the Kiddush, when sharing, this should reduce the overall cost for your family, please discuss this with the shul office or the Honorary Executive.

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Shared Barmitzvah

It is not common but sometimes we find two Bar Mitzva boys share the same shabbat Bar mitzvah date.

People often come to different arrangements. Some families are happy to share and split the Torah readings. Some families will delay their son’s Bar Mitzva to a different week.

The shul office should let you know the position and how the date may be altered.

Shared Bar and Bat Mitzvah

Occasionally a Bar Mitzvah Shabbat coincides with a week when a girl has her Bat Mitzvah ceremony on the following day, the Sunday. Their family guests will be accorded as much respect and mitzvot as possible and she will be blessed by the Rabbi during the service.

Twins

Boy – boy

This is an exciting situation and, as a family, please discuss your plans on splitting the roles of your sons through the service with your tutor and/or the Rabbi.

Boy - girl

Although the girl is Bat Mitzvah a year ahead of her brother there can be a considerable logistic and financial strain on the family. Many families decide to share the event for their children. If this is the case please discuss with the Rabonim your plans.

Girl – girl

This is very special, as a family please discuss how you plan to split the roles of your daughters through the service. with your tutor and/or the Rabbi.

11 Presentations in shul

Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls will be presented in shul by the Rabbi with a Chumash, a certificate of youth membership of the shul and other certificates relating to any relevant Jewish exams they may have passed.

We do not present certificates or gifts from charity or other organisations in the service. These should be presented at the family party.

Twinning the Simchah

Some families decide to twin their child’s simcha with under priviledges children overseas – Ethiopian or Russian Jewish residents or immigrants to Israel. You can obtain more details form the shul office as to which Charities can assist.

Bereaved Children

The Bar and Bat Mitzvah ceremony is an emotional point in many families lives and a landmark remembered for many years. It can, however, be a very difficult time for families where the child is bereaved of one or more parents or a sibling. The recent loss of a grandparent can also be very traumatic. Please let us know the situation and bring it to our attention. It is not always possible for us to be aware of every family’s individual and immediate circumstances especially if some time has elapsed between the bereavement and the ceremonies.

Separated Parents

Unfortunately this situation arises as in any part of English society. The shul will do the best it can to accommodate all sides of the family as much as possible. If there are particular sensitivities, e.g wording of announcements, it is important you let us know well in advance as we are keen to avoid any potential embarrassments.

Donations

12 We shall approach you for a donation to the synagogue at the time of your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. We recognise this is a time of financial commitments with many coinciding expenses. The donations made at this juncture supports the youth projects of the Shul and it is most likely that your child, at some point, will have been a beneficiary of these activities.

We prefer, should you wish your donation to be assigned to a specific item or set of items, that this is discussed with the Honorary executive. We have an abundance of some things and a paucity of others and would like to agree with you anything specific.

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