Today: THE TUFTS Frogs Fluffy and Adorable Tomorrow: Since 1980 Locusts

Vo l u m e LIV, Nu m b e r 36 1/2 DAILY Ha l l o w e e n 2007

Annie-Bananie/tufts daily fast fingers soco/tufts daily Even lightbulbs need wizarding hats. Or maybe that’s one of those sex thingies. Dumbledore will take a broom ride from the undead to speak here. Chaplains encourage Jumbo student Accio, Fabulousness!

b y Sn a p e Sn a p e Se v e r u s Sn a p e ! sexuality fictitious,” Yarbrough body to “Do it With the Lights On” The Potions Master said. Iranian President Mahmoud b y Bu r n i n g Ru b b e r work crews will be upgrading the ically. “The real question, and I don’t LGBT Center Director Ahmadinejad was confused. On a Dry Streak switches in each dorm this week, know the answer to this, maybe you Dona Yarbrough announced “There are no homosexu- making it physically impossible to do, is how anyone could ever have yesterday that ex-Hog- als in Tehrogwarts,” he said. “I In an effort to curb the ram- turn the lights off. The funding for sex in Wren?” warts Headmaster and wiz- don’t know who told you that.” pant promiscuity on campus, the the upgrades comes directly from Bacow said he hopes the cam- ard extraordinaire Albus Yarbrough said that University Chaplains are sponsor- Washington, under a grant from paign will have reverberating effects Dumbledore will speak at Tufts Dumbledore was selected over ing the First Annual “Do it With the the president’s faith-based initia- on Greek life on campus. about his coming-out story. the cast of Will and Grace after Lights On” abstinence campaign. tives. “Maybe fraternity brothers will Dumbledore’s planned close consideration because of Cosponsored by The Primary “Celibacy is the new promiscu- think twice about pinning girls appearance will come shortly his offer to bring magic dia- Source, Exxon-Mobil and the White ity,” University President Lawrence against the walls in their base- after the world found out about logue potion. House, the campaign encourages Bacow said. “You should give it a ments,” he said with a chuckle, then the secret wand he kept in his “Talking is good. Can’t we all students to keep as many lights try.” promptly announced that the inter- pants, but some are afraid that just talk along?” she asked. turned on as possible. Bacow said the lights are always view was over. his recent death will interfere While some have criticized “We want students to be more on at Gifford House. Inter-Greek Council President Ian with the visit. Dumbledore for waiting so aware that God can see them,” Dean of Students Having Affairs McClellan said the initiative would Others worry that his fic- long to come out , Yarbrough University Chaplain David O’Leary Bruce Reitman said he was troubled ruin an already-feeble frat scene at tional status will further com- attributes Dumbledore’s reluc- said. “Maybe with the lights on they by the number of students who were Tufts. plicate things. tance to come out of the closet will make better decisions, like to sexually active while in his office, so “I think I’ll have to change my “These people just don’t to a stray confounding charm not have sex ever. Period.” he supported the measure. Facebook relationship status,” he understand. This is just anoth- that hit him as a child. In coordination with the Office “Maybe sex is something college said. “Because us frat dudes won’t er example of our heteronor- “He was just a little con- of Residential Life and Learning, students already do,” he said rhetor- be getting any at all. mative world calling homo- fused,” she said.

Senate works on building GPS News (Boxers or) Briefs Tufts is very well-endowed sions on a lottery system. “Randomness has always been essen- to deal with plate tectonics problem With recent donations from Jonathan tially to my leadership style, and this is Tisch and Steven Jaharis, Tufts is now just the logical extension,” she said in an b y La z y McFa t a s s to their cell phones every five minutes. incredibly well-endowed, according to e-mail. Waiting for the Joey The Senate will purchase this satellite University President Lawrence Bacow. She will then destroy all the university’s with the student activities funds from But he is worried about the endow- phone lines, forcing students to communi- The Tufts Community Union (TCU) the next five years. ment’s future. cate via computers. Senate has decided to table all mat- “We thought about just linking some “Getting it up will be very difficult,” he ters related to academic affairs and the maps to the Tufts Web site, but that said. “Periods of dysfunctional fundraising Townies invade campus social scene to pursue a sweeping new doesn’t account for these massive geo- often follow the most potent of times.” initiative: Building GPS. logical forces at play,” DiBiase said. As such, he said that the task that lies A rowdy townie classical orchestra “Local plate tectonics cause the cam- DiBiase said the initial inspiration ahead will be a hard one. invaded campus yesterday at 10 p.m., wak- pus to move away from Medford by as came from one of the focus groups he “We need to penetrate further into ing up a group of sleeping Tufts students much as .001 centimeters per year,” conducts to get a better look at student the donating abilities of our alums and with the blaring sound of Beethoven’s TCU President Neil DiBiase said. “By sentiments. “Baked and Beautiful” was ride the recent wave of goodwill,” Bacow Ninth Symphony. the time you know it, you’ll wake up the theme for this specific group. said. Their actions appear to be a retali- one morning and the Dewick panini “The Senate needs to be accountable But he said that some finesse will be ation for the long string of vomiting machine will be in Barnum.” to the Magic Dragon,” he said. “And this needed. and urination unleashed by off-campus The new program will serve as a com- one guy told me that Carmichael had “If we dig too deep, you’re going to hit students. panion to Joey GPS, which junior Senator recently traded places with the Cousens a wall and it’s going to hurt,” he said. “This is just getting out of hand,” one Matt Shapanka has been working to bring Gym. It was then I knew I had to act.” student said. “But what’s really getting to Tufts for the past 157 years. Similarly, the idea for Joey GPS came Yolanda King Crowns ridiculous is how loud they keep blaring While the project has experienced up after the Senate conducted a survey Herself queen of tufts their Oprah and Cheers everyday. And setbacks, Shapanka feels that it has still showing that, on average, the Joey is don’t get me started on those wild geriat- had an inspirational effect. between one and three minutes late. Director of Residential Life and Learning ric dinner parties.” “I think that every student wakes up DiBiase is happy about the Senate’s Yolanda King recently evicted University For once, Dean of Students Having to a brighter world knowing that Joey new direction. President Lawrence Bacow from the Affairs Bruce Reitman was virtually GPS is only a millennium away from “We’re expanding choice sets. Choices Gifford House and assumed the presiden- speechless. “Who doesn’t like Oprah?” being right around the corner,” he said. are special,” he said. “I’m not sure what cy. Her first action will be to put admis- he asked. Students who sign up for Building GPS this has to do with choices, but I’m sure will have live satellite signals beamed we’re going to add them.”

Inside this issue tuftsdaily.com Today’s Sections The Daily makes you feel Attack of the pumpkin-wield- guilty with yet another story ing townies! Town-gown HeARTS 3 about a kid whose mega- relations (and some ill-placed News 1 cool internship makes your frat boys) took a major hit at a Features 2 Eat My Sports 4 life appear meaningless. Halloween-themed contest.

see FEATURES, page 2 see HeARTs, page 3 2 THe tufts Daily Jo n B. Jo v i Momma Bear FeaturesTh e Tu f t s Da i l y Halloween 2007 Editorial Ray of Sunshine Professional Butthole In Our Midst Hitting Her Wall Good Cop Duuude, student Tickle Me Dirty Editorial Page Editors Sa-Wikipedia Ridin’ Dirty was, like, soooo Dirty, Dirty Bird Executive News Editor Oscar Mayer in a Box News Editors Donated Soul and Two drunk last night Rusty Pennies to Beyond Boundaries He r p e s Bu r n s Will Attack You With the Drunk Hunt Winner North Sennett is Fuhn Jeanyuss Roger Arnold, sophomore, Brought His Own Booze Represents Views of U.S. reported today that he got totally Army drunk last night, man. “I was pretty Sherlock Holmes of gone,” Arnold said. “I mean, totally Lasagna trashed.” Boston Gangsta Assistant News Editor Arnold’s evening began at 9:47 p.m., when he pregamed at his friend You Little Bitch Executive Features Editor Mike Shortz’ suite in Latin Way. Fuck Backwards Features Editors Wormy Daily Slut/Tufts Daily Shortz reported that, after several YourMother Sucks Junior Todd Fishman learned the ins and outs of copy machines, filing and electronic soli- games of ‘Kings,’ Arnold was already Bai Sexual taire during his “life-changing” internship at the law firm Farber & Edelman. The junior pretty hammered. “Man, [Arnold] Herpes Burns was pouring himself drinks and not Anne-al Lubricant also gained skills in coffee making, alphabetizing and sleeping with his eyes open. even watching how much booze Volkswagen Blackcurrant Assistant Features Editors went in,” Shortz said. “His Popov to Laid an Egg Internship taught this Jumbo orange juice ratio was totally fucked K$ Executive Arts Editor up. He was bombed when we left.” The evening continued in a simi- L’il Kim Arts Editors to photocopy, play Solitaire larly fucked up fashion as Arnold Missy Elliott and his friends attended a costume Queen Latifah Jay-Z b y Ma tt , Yo u Li tt l e Bi t c h abilities, to assert myself in the work- party, which only increased just Drunk Hunt Winner place,” he said. “For the first few weeks, how unbelievably blitzed Arnold G-Unit Assistant Arts Editor I was timid and tried to just stay unno- was. “Roger was hitting the Beirut Singh-Singh Prison Executive Op-Ed Editor By the time most students come to ticed. But then, one day, Mr. Farber asked pretty hard,” said Megan O’Connell, Tufts, they are equipped with basic skills me to get him a cup of coffee. I don’t a fellow party attendee. “I knew he Michael Scott Executive Sports Editor in writing, reasoning and critical think- know why I did it, but I shot back, ‘Milk was totally loaded when he started ing. But after a summer internship at a or sugar, sir?’ before I went and got it for shouting about how tragic Snape’s Kelly Kapoor Sports Editors Raging Alcoholic Stamford, Conn. law firm, junior Todd him. That took a lot of guts, and it was a death was in the last Harry Potter Space Cadet Fishman has gained real-world experi- real turning point for me. book.” ence in photocopying, Solitaire and “I think that was the day that I truly Arnold, unfathomably plastered, Assistant Sports Editors Danny Ainge tedious data entry to add to his ever- gained his respect,” Fishman added. disappeared from the party and his growing résumé. When Fishman managed to find a lull whereabouts remain unaccounted for Dopey McHotness Executive Photo Editor “I don’t want to say that I changed as between learning innovative entering- from the hours of 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. Some phone-numbers-into-a-computer tech- I Have Teeny Balls Wiener Photo Editors a person,” Fishman said, kicking his legs suspect that he may be responsible Has Large Equipment up onto his desk and leaning back in his niques and furthering his understanding for the strange wolf noises students Fast Fingers SoCo chair. “But I’m not the same man I was. of copy machine settings “fundamental reported hearing outside Haskell at Kissed by a Rose I’ve gained a unique understanding of to the practice of law” he was able to find 1:30 a.m. Others believe that he may the world that I’ll take with me forever.” some time for self-exploration as well. He also be the mysterious figure who was PRODUCTION “There are some experiences money spent his downtime exploring the soft- seen outside of Sophia Gordon asking Minnesota Nice Production Director just can’t buy,” he added. “Which is why ware programs utilized by real lawyers passersby if they wanted to help him Clutch Executive Layout Editor the internship was unpaid.” at the firm in hopes that those skills will start a fight club. Fishman got the job after respond- help him get a job when he graduates. Samuel Gregory, Arnold’s room- The Less Talented Berube Layout Editors K-Blev ing to a posting on Monstertrak.com Fishman said he became particularly mate, said that while Arnold has Gimbel Machine seeking “creative, motivated students competent in a “ground-breaking” pro- a tendency to “party it up” on a Maris Ruth Mantle Jeter interested in gaining unique, first-hand gram called “Solitaire.” regular basis, last night marked an Smug Motherfucker experience at a real law office.” He said “Solitaire is the one piece of soft- exceptionally drunken outing, even Tall Drink of Water Brad Pitt he knew right away that the job was ware used in almost every professional for him. “[Arnold] can usually put La Mer right for him. American workplace, so I think my expe- it away like a champ. The dude’s “On the first day, they showed me to rience with it will give me a leg up,” a tank, but last night he was just Angelina Jolie Assistant Layout Editor my cubicle and gave me a box of folders he said. “It really gave me a chance to destroyed,” Gregory said. “I guess ‘Stola Some Toner Executive Technical Manager to alphabetize,” he said. “That they trust- challenge myself and battle against my this’ll teach him to stay away from ed me to work independently so soon own limitations. That’s something a lot of [Bacardi] 151.” Green Finkelhawk Technical Managers — to make my own decisions and learn people don’t get at their internships.” Gregory added that Arnold’s The Godfather from my own mistakes — it meant a lot. I Fishman hopes to take his newfound behavior was especially erratic Thieving Hooker Executive Online Editor knew then that I would be an important skills with him as he heads to the future, upon his return to their room. “He part of their team.” but warned that people shouldn’t assume was trying to act cool, but you Ignorance is Bliss Online Editors Night Gaowl Fishman said that within the first week, he’s perfect quite yet. could totally tell that he was still his new bosses also put him in charge of Next year, he hopes to work at a sci- really wasted,” Gregory said. “He The Devil Wearing Prada Executive Copy Editor several coffee-making projects and gave entific research lab, where he can broad- got himself a cup of water and him full control over what he described en his skill set to include “washing test started to drink it on his bed, but he C-Ho Copy Editor as “a cutting-edge photocopying initia- tubes” and “pouring chemicals into other fell asleep and spilled it all over the tive” that involved both collating and chemicals.” place. Dude was a zombie — way stapling a series of duplicate case briefs In the meantime, he’ll do his best to try smashed.” BUSINESS for storage. to stay humble. Arnold was unable to be reached Freedom Fries Executive Business Director He said the work, while challenging, “I may have had a unique experience for further comment this morning, Takin’ Care of Business Business Manager was also rewarding. this summer,” Fishman said. “But there’s as he was lying on his bed, in the “It taught me to be confident in my still a lot left to learn.” dark, with a towel over his head. Stacey’s Mom Receivables Manager Malcolm in the Middle Head Ad Manager

The Tufts Daily is a nonprofit, independent newspaper, published Monday through Friday. And yes, we know we Students work to improve drug awareness on library roof weren’t published every day to start the semester. If you have a problem, write your own damn newspaper. Group members say meetings have lead to increased happiness, hunger EDITORIAL POLICY Editorials that appear on this page are written by the Editorial b y An n e -a l Lu b r i c a n t Sophomore Casey Jackson said that ing,” Klineman said. “We almost went Page editors, and individual editors are not necessarily respon- Drunk Hunt Winner sible for, or in agreement with, the policies and editorials of the group’s intention to promote drug through with the proposal, but Aqua The Tufts Daily. Sometimes we don’t spell “heroin” correctly in awareness was clearly working. Teen Hunger Force came on, and we those editorials. That’s because our editorialists are stoners. A loosely organized group of Tufts “I am, like, so aware right now,” she forgot.” LETTERS TO THE EDITOR students have been meeting on the roof said. “Really just, like, aware of the Jackson said that the awareness Letters must be submitted by 4 p.m. and should be handed of Tisch Library in an effort to increase world, you know what I mean?” group has helped her get through many into the Daily office or sent to [email protected]. All let- drug awareness on campus. The group Freshman and new member Ben long classes at Tufts. “Now that I’m ters must be word processed and include the writer’s name meets sporadically and in sizes of five Carlisle agreed with Jackson: “Before more aware about drugs, ‘Wanderers in and telephone number, as well as snarky personal jab against an unnamed Primary Source editor. to 15 people at a time. college, I had no awareness of drugs Space’ makes so much more sense,” she The meetings, which usually start at all, man,” he said. “But now I’m, said. “I’m pretty sure Professor Lang is ADVERTISING POLICY All advertising copy is subject to the approval of the Editor- between 11:00 p.m. and 1:00 a.m., often like, totally aware of drugs. I get aware drug-aware himself, too.” She then dis- in-Chief, Executive Board, and Executive Business Director. culminate in members retiring to one almost every night, which is awesome. solved into giggles. We need money. Please, just take out an ad. Come on. We student’s room, ordering from Pizza I really owe a lot to these guys.” The library roof organization is not now steal pencils from the circulation desk at Tisch. Days and watching poorly dubbed kung Last week, the group considered the only awareness group on campus. P.O. Box 53018, Medford, MA 02155 fu movies. applying for official Senate recognition “Yeah, there’s a Cocaine Awareness 617 627 3090 FAX 617 627 3910 “It’s really, uh, helped us bond togeth- during one of their awareness sessions. group as well,” Carlisle says. “They usu- [email protected] er, I think,” junior Doug Klineman said. “We thought it would be really ally have their meetings in the bath- Dank Basement, Curtis Hall “Wait, what was the question again?” funny; we just couldn’t stop laugh- rooms at Alpha Phi, though.” 3

HeARTSTh e TAur ftts s|L Divinga i l y Halloween 2007 Disembodied spirits drive students Ratio of breasts to awesomeness revealed in world of visual art out of Aidekman Art Gallery exhibit b y Di s e m b o d i e d He a d o f b y So u t h e r n Be l l Co l o n e l Sa n d e r s Daily Board of Inebriation Daily SHIT Board

Things took a turn for the In a recent study led by Richard worse at Aidekman Art Gallery Prickler of Harvard University’s yesterday as visitors and Pretentious Studies Department, it employees alike were driven has been found that the quality of out of The Center for Cosmic a piece of visual art can be discov- Energy by what appeared to be ered through the use of a simple angry spirits. equation. “They were all pale and dead- “Through a series of tests, we looking,” one terrified student were able to uncover the golden said. ratio of what makes art ‘good.’ The A renowned Tufts professor equation is as follows: take the of the paranormal, who has number of naked women in the asked to remain anonymous, piece, multiply that by the size of points to an archaeological dig the painting in miles, and divide by installed in the Gallery as the the difficulty of the pronunciation courtesy louvre, paris place where the spirits most of the artists last name, on a scale Efforts are underway to paint a likely originated. of 1-37,” said Prickler. better, nakeder version of the “We usually see this kind of Using this system, the Mona Lisa now worthless masterpiece. thing when bodies have been Annie Wermiel/tufts daily has been declared to be worthless, disturbed,” he said, “It’s highly Center of Cosmic Energy is more than a joke, it’s a haunted joke. namely because it contains a dis- said, Stacey.) likely that these so-called ‘art- gusting lack of female nudity. “It’s “Oh, and breasts,” she added, ists’ were unknowingly digging it] when we heard the refrain the safety of students and pla- obvious that this piece is stupid,” “There are lots of breasts.” in an ancient burial ground of from ‘Jail House Rock.’ We just cate the disgruntled spirits. said Prickler’s research assistant, Art History majors at Tufts some sort.” kind of ignored it, because “We’re opting for a policy of sophomore Rock Hardpeck. “I responded with an ambivalent Until recently, the archaeo- we were, you know, under the reconciliation, and we have it mean just look at it. It’s stupid, you tone with one of them, a sociology logical dig and the cosmic ener- influence,” one artist said, on good authority that virgin know?” double major, saying, “You know gy it provided were thought to “But now, I think the cosmic sacrifices often soothe violent, Using this system, The Fogg a male created this system; it’s just be fictional. energy the dead spirits created disembodied souls,” said one Museum at Harvard has begun an ridiculous. Art isn’t made better by “Frankly, we all thought it totally allowed us to contact university official. “We expect exhibition of the 100 best pieces the inclusion of naked women, was bullshit,” said one of the Elvis. And although we were to get a good number of volun- of art in the world. The curator of and size doesn’t matter.” Center’s creators, “But now originally hoping for Jesus, teers from the freshman class.” the exhibit, Stacey Laird, says, “It’s With this advance, the human we’re reconsidering.” The King is really only one Additionally, TCU is planning an installation of gigantic propor- race can only hope that standard- The artists believe that one step down.” an outreach forum that will tions, literally, the thing is freaking izations in other realms, such as lit- event in particular stands out Aidekman Arts Center will bring students and the souls huge. I don’t think anyone has ever erature and philosophy, can soon as worthy of reassessment. remain closed until further of the dead together to discuss seen anything this large, mainly be reached. The only thing we can “Last week, we were all notice. The administration is the relationship between their because every piece is so foolishly know for sure in the meantime is hanging out inside [the exhib- actively taking steps to ensure respective communities. voluminous.” (That’s what she that “24” is a truly awful show.

Pumpkin Gallery Review Mainstream media is Townie Jack-O-Lantern carving contest goes proven wrong about famous author’s death horribly awry; slutty nurses run in fear b y Ma r g a r e t Mu r r a y Roman Queen b y K$ Yo Mama Madeline L’Engle’s Upper West Side apart- ment has just been put on the housing mar- On Saturday evening, the sweet smell of ket. The asking price? Just under $4 million. cigarette smoke and pumpkin goo wafted In September, the author of the children’s around the hill, thick accents softly mum- sci-fi classic “A Wrinkle in Time” died of natural bling “wicked hardcore” in the background. causes — at least that’s the story the main- Townies from both Somerville and Med- stream media reports. ford alike gathered in a parking lot on Boston Posing as a potential buyer, the Daily sent Ave. to partake in the annual jack-o-lantern this reporter on a walk-through of the pricey carving contest. Manhattan co-op. What was found is almost Everything seemed to be going according too terrifying and bizarre to reveal. to plan. Not only did the contest provide a The realtor, named simply Ms. W., who non-Sox related pastime for the passionate greeted my brother Charles, my high school observers of Abner Doubleday’s great inno- football-playing crush Paul, and me was vation, but it yielded some remarkable jack- elderly; she wrapped herself in layers of fabric o-lanterns as well. and spoke cryptically about the apartment, Joe Conwell achieved first place with his referring to it as “the black thing,” “IT,” and delicate carving resembling the face of Man- “Camazotz” intermittently between the dis- ny Ramirez — dreds and all. The rippled cussion of marble countertops and crown texture of the Domincan’s countenance molding. displayed Ramirez’s characteristic noncha- When Ms. W. showed us the walk-in clos- lance with remarkable candor. et, this fairly ordinary walk-through became After the Sox’s Thursday night victory, straight up other-worldly. Turns out, the door spirits were running high, just like BAC to the closet is a portal to the fifth dimen- levels. Second place went to Rebecca sion. Doyle, a Somerville native, for her depic- As the door opened and Ms. W. transformed tion of drunken Tufts students careening into a flying centaur, she explained that L’Engle down Professors Row. It was touching in an did not die of natural causes but was stolen ephemeral, yet lasting depiction of raucous Josephina Duara/tufts daily from her posh pad by a disembodied, psychic Bacchanalian revelry. Townies seek their revenge — with an orange squash. and obviously evil brain grown angry over After the Tufts Community Day, inter- L’Engle’s widespread nonconformist notions dents were seen vomiting, with such utter trucks began hurling the festive fruit at the townie-student relations have greatly im- and her general silliness. disdain that one could sense a feeling of unsuspecting drunken pedestrians. The vic- proved — or so we hoped. Darkness surrounded us as we floated independence and personal liberty piercing tims ran to the frat houses, but there were al- The thought of townies wielding carving around this closet, which had nary a shoe nor the night. ready mobs spilling out onto the street with instruments of any kind is enough to make blouse in sight. Suddenly, some blind-but- Naughty nurses, slutty cops and risqué bal- screaming frat brothers trying to control the most Tufts pedestrians a bit uneasy, but no wise monsters stole Charles and overtook his lerinas paraded around on the arms of pimps, pack. one ever thought it would come to such a brain. I was left with a centaur real estate agent Beirut cups and inmates up and down Profes- Shouts of “Broseph!” and “Dude!” punctu- stunning conclusion. After prizes were dis- and my high school crush. sors Row, unsuspecting that anyone, besides ated the havoc as orange squash lit up the tributed, there were approximately two doz- If only we could find L’Engle! She’d know the TUPD, would try and hinder their Hallow- night like so many roman candles. en pumpkins left, a recipe for Armageddon how to rescue Charles and defeat the evil IT. een-themed, inebriated fun. Police have several suspects, but there if any could be so maliciously concocted. But she was lost in the dark — and remarkably Witnesses saw two black pick-up trucks is still an ongoing investigation into the The sponsors gave them to the participants spacious for a New York apartment — abyss. careen around the corner of Curtis and night’s festivities. While this act of violence to take home. It appears, however, the group L’Engle’s still somewhere in the fifth dimen- Professors Row like two large Headless seems relatively spontaneous, it might be made a dangerous detour. sion trying to fight the onset of widespread Henchman, the backs filled to the brim with advisable to keep on the lookout for any Later that night, Tufts students were in conformity, and I’m still stuck in the walk-in pumpkins. suspicious characters carrying around fine form. The air was accented by a pun- closet of evil with these two. In a flash, masked men in the back of the pumpkins. gent scent of sensual stomach acid, as stu- Help! 4

EatT h e TMyu f t s Da i l y Halloween Sports 2007

Inside MLB Red Sox renew Lowell’s contract, sign Rodriguez to minor-league deal b y Ma tt , Yo u Li tt l e Bi t c h team is investing in prospects thinks the trade will ultimately Drunk Hunt Winner that will lay the groundwork for benefit his own team. the Sox’ future success. “Things just didn’t work out Boston Red Sox General “I don’t actually know for him here,” Cashman said. Manager Theo Epstein [Rodriguez] that well,” Lowell “He should have spent less time announced two team transac- said. “But I hear he’s a talented hitting 50 homers a year and tions yesterday immediately young kid with a lot of poten- more time being a True Yankee. following the Sox’ victory in the tial. Maybe he can make the I wish him the best of luck World Series this weekend. majors next fall as a September with the Red Sox. Maybe some The Sox renewed star third call-up or something. There’s time in the minors will do him baseman Mike Lowell’s con- always a chance for a youngster good.” tract for a whopping $326 mil- like him to help the ball club.” Yankees captain Derek Jeter lion over the next 12 years, and Rodriguez’s one-year con- said his memories of the young signed a young utility infielder tract will earn the youngster a utility man are vague at best. from the New York Yankees, respectable $357,000 and will “Who?” Jeter asked, pausing Alex Rodriguez, to a minor place him in the Sox’s minor to watch a YouTube.com video of league contract with the AAA league system. But Epstein said himself fielding an easy ground Pawtucket Red Sox on the same there’s room to move up in the ball by leaping dramatically, day. Red Sox organization. spinning it and throwing to first “We believe both these “We’re always on the lookout just in time to get the runner. actions will work to improve for the next breakout rookie,” “Oh, Rodriguez,” he con- our team and bring the Red Sox Epstein said. “Pedroia hit .317 tinued. “That guy that always Nation more championships in this year. Buchholz threw a no- struck out and stranded me on the future,” Epstein said. “Mike hitter. Ellsbury won the entire first base. Good riddance. Can’t Lowell has proven himself to be country a free taco. We think we find someone more clutch to one of the best third basemen this Rodriguez kid has that kind put at third base? What’s Scott in baseball. of upside.” Brosius up to?” “As for the kid?” Epstein Rodriguez has spent his last But Ron Johnson, manager added. “He has lots of room few years with the New York of the AAA Pawtucket Red Sox, to improve, and we’re confi- Yankees, where he failed to said he thinks Rodriguez has MCT dent that he will someday be a make a significant impact other promise, and is looking forward A-Rod? How many rings does he have? That’s right: zero. Fuck him. competitive player in the major than his two MVP seasons, 173 to cultivating the young player. leagues.” home runs and 513 runs batted “We’re looking forward to Lowell, who has a .280 career in. Yankees GM Brian Cashman next season,” Johnson said. “We ter, but it may not be in the Double-A.” average and 184 career home said he is happy to unload hope Alex can do what it takes best interests of the system. Michael Scott contributed runs, said he’s pleased that the Rodriguez’ dead weight, and to make our Opening Day ros- There’s always room for him in reporting to this article.

Football Jumbos eyeing potential Bowl Championship Series bid b y Mi c h a e l Sc o tt a n d Da n n y Ai n g e remains near the top of the computer Russo said. “LSU. Oregon. Oklahoma. I We Cover Real Sports, Dammit standings. don’t see us having too much trouble “A lot of people are writing off Tufts moving the ball against any of those While the Ohio State Buckeyes and after that loss to Williams,” ESPN analyst teams.” Boston College Golden Eagles vie for the said. “Not so fast my friend! With Russo leading the high-powered top spot in the Bowl Championship series I like the Jumbos as my sleeper team to offense and the Jumbos’ defense looking race each week, there are several one-loss get to the national championship. Watch stingier than ever, the experts in Vegas are powerhouses under the radar. out!” expecting Tufts to prevail over the rest of LSU, Oregon and Oklahoma, all 7-1, Tufts has ridden a dominating defense the BCS powers. have an outside shot at a bid for a nation- and a strong aerial attack to a 5-1 record “Right now, we would have Tufts as al championship. But the intrigue doesn’t thus far. Last week, the Jumbos domi- four-point favorites against any of these end there, as there’s one more contender nated the Amherst Lord Jeffs in a battle potential opponents,” Bellagio spokes- that no one’s considering — the 5-1 Tufts of teams tied atop the NESCAC. If Tufts man Javier Cabrera said. Jumbos. can keep its hold on first place in the While BC is stealing the local spotlight “The one loss may have hurt our chanc- conference, it will have a tough résumé in Boston at the moment, this team is es, but we’re not out of it yet,” coach Bill for pollsters to ignore at the end of the confident that the city’s real college foot- Samko said. “Anyway, we’re better than season. ball power is about to emerge. some of these undefeated teams. Have The players remain upbeat about their “Matt Ryan?” sophomore safety Tom you seen Arizona State? Bates could beat chances to gain one of the two spots Tassinari asked. “Why should I be afraid them!” in college football’s biggest game, and of him? I’ll pick him off three times — in The Jumbos have two games left to play they’re ready to take on any challengers the first half. Mark my words.” this season, but if the teams above them from a high-profile conference such as “We’re the best team in Massachusetts stumble, they could be representing the the SEC or Big Ten. right now,” senior tri-captain Kevin Has Large Equipment/Tufts Daily NESCAC in the BCS championship game. “We have had a good week of practice, Anderson added. “Once we get to New Kevin Anderson is the best fullback in the With victories this season over traditional and we are playing some of our best foot- Orleans, we’re going to prove that we’re nation. That’s right, we said it. powerhouses Trinity and Amherst, Tufts ball right now,” senior Matt the best in the nation.”

Inside the BFL British Football League to open in United Kingdom, says Brown b y Cl e o Le m o n fans have been demonstrating coach Cam Cameron issued a withdrawal of the Dolphins, as NFL in the near future. Winless But Optimistic in the streets since the end press release stating that the he thinks it will be less embar- NBC has offered to send of the Miami-New York game. will, as of Nov. rassing than the other option John Madden to London to After the first ever NFL game The mass of screaming Brits is 1, defect from the NFL and he was considering, which was be the announcer of every in London, England between demanding more of what they move to London to join the moving them from the NFL to televised game. The network the New York Giants and the saw on Sunday. BFL. The team will be renamed the NCAA Div. III. jumped at the opportunity to Miami Dolphins last Sunday, “I had never seen anything the London Leprechauns, as The Dolphins will likely be ship off their Monday Night a new American-style football like it,” former soccer fan Cameron hopes this will bring joined by a number of other Football announcer. league will be formed over- Winthrop Cummings said. “I his squad enough luck to win. expansion teams which have “We were really hoping he seas. didn’t understand why they “I guess we owe the British recently come onto the map. would just leave,” NBC President United Kingdom Prime kept stopping the game for 40 something,” Miami linebacker The Scotland Storm will be Jeff Zucker said. “I doubt they Minister Gordon Brown seconds after every play, but said. “We did a favorite to take the title in will even notice that he is senile announced last night that he it was still better than watch- take that Beckham dude from the first year, as Notre Dame over there, so why not?” wants to see more “real foot- ing Manchester United every them, right?” coach Charlie Weis pledged to The BFL is expected to begin ball” in his country, and will bloody week.” The Dolphins hope that coach the team once he gets as soon as the city of London oversee the creation of the Brown announced the for- by joining the young league, fired from his current job. is able to construct a field that British Football League (BFL). mation of the League at 8 a.m. they will escape the horribly Other big names include the will not completely fall apart “There are too many girly London time yesterday and embarrassing possibility of Wales Wankers, who managed when anyone with football sports here in the UK,” Brown appointed Tony Blair to be the being the first team ever to to coerce Blair into instituting cleats steps on it. According said in an overseas call with first BFL commissioner. finish an NFL season 0-16. a “marijuana-friendly” policy to Blair, the league will be a the Daily. “We need a man’s “Tony is great at doing “Competition in London in the league before acquir- good thing for everyone, as sport, where the whistle everything that America does, might not be as intense, so I ing former Dolphin Ricky England will have something doesn’t blow every time some- so I think he will be perfect for think we can win a couple of Williams. The St. Louis Rams, other than tea-time to look one falls down.” the position,” Brown said. games,” Cameron said. not to be outdone by the forward to on Sundays, and The league will be based in At approximately 8:02 a.m. NFL commissioner Roger Dolphins, are also expected the U.S. can finally rid itself of London, where thousands of London time, Dolphins head Goodell decided to accept the to formally withdraw from the garbage players and teams.