The Disgrace of the DuPage County Bar Association
The Wannabe Journal of the DuPage County Bar Association
Volume 28, Issue 8 April 2016 Table of Contents
Who says the library is obsolete? Jessica Tandy Editor-in-Chief News Hume Cronyn & Associate Editor Editor’s Message 2 Editorial Board Events Don Ameche Wilfred Brimley 3 President’s Message Gwen Verdon 12 InGrief Jack Gilford By Tally Hoofbender Brian Dennehy 4 Former President’s Message Maureen Stapleton 13 Video Game Review - Clint Howard Call of Jury Duty: Black Robe Ops Steve Guttenberg Charles Lampkin By Byron Heartydough, Jr. Art Selwyn Ben Luckett 14 Judicial Profile of Elihu Smails Alma Finley By Sean Penn Joe Finley Articles Bernie Lefkowitz 15 DCBA Seeks Section Suckers John Dexter 8 Thunderdome Arbitration Center Comes to Wheaton Leaders! Pops Jack Bonner By Byron Heartydough, Sr. 15 Texting Cheat Sheet – Courtesy of Pillsbury DCBA Senior Lawyers Division Walter 9 Miranda: A Helpful Suggestion for Law Day 2016 Lou Pine 16 Go Fund Me Campaign Started for By Clarence Over-by Darrow New Law Firm Sign Jacki Hamler By Edward R. Merlot DCBA Liaison/Advertising 10 The Fluff Amendment to Rule 23 Ross Creative Works By Mark Fuddruckerburg Important Announcement: 16 Graphic Design We Ain’t Drunk. We Just Drinkin’ Kelmscott Communications 18 Profile of Judge Dredd Printing of Judicial Exchange By Sean Connery Jonathan Crannell Photoshop 19 Storage Wars: Wheaton
20 Classifieds
DCBA Grief April 2016 1 From the Editor Because We’re Swine...We Cross the Line By Christopher J. Maurer
In the dark recesses of a bar in Winfield, a the Art of Objecting to Standard Christopher J. Maurer is an cabal of lawyers from the DCBA Brief’s Interrogatories” article); attorney with the law firm of editorial board huddle around drinks and Anderson & Associates, P.C., nachos. In between gulps and crunches, they 5. No mockery of the judiciary (there goes half where he has concentrated his mutter, they scribble on napkins, and they the magazine); and practice in family law for over a argue about what’s funny and what’s just decade in DuPage, Cook, Kane, plain dumb. They are working on the back/ 6. No mockery of past, present or future Will and Kendall Counties. upside-down half of the April issue, a.k.a. The DCBA Presidents (there goes the other Christopher is a member of the DuPage County Bar Association. Grief. Most often their argument turns on half). He is a trained Guardian ad whether or not a particular topic crosses that Litem and certified Mediator for treacherous border known only as . . . The Line. After reviewing the contents of this year’s the 18th Judicial Circuit, and On one side of the Line we have eye-rolling Grief, you’ll conclude that these rules are as serves as a member of the puns and sanitized frivolity, safe for nuns and ironclad as the local 10-page limit for motions. DCBA Brief’s editorial board. children (think Ziggy with a lobotomy). On Well, we tried our best. Christopher received his Juris the other side of the Line, when we get too far Doctorate from Loyola University beyond the pale, we encounter comedic My big concern is all the lame lampoons, lewd School of Law in 1997 and his Bachelor of Science from concepts shunned by decent humanity: ideas limericks, and lathered lambastings that fell the University of Illinois at that would outrage Louis C.K.; personal on the cutting-room floor. Rumor has it that Urbana-Champaign, College of insults fit for a Comedy Central Roast; and foul some devious soul swept them up and stitched Communications in 1994. phrases that would make George Carlin’s list them together into some dreadful tome of of Seven Dirty Words look like a haiku written sanity-blasting insultery and obnoxiosity. by Mister Rogers. Even now it sits waiting in the DuPage Court- house library, on a dusty bottom shelf near the Obviously, Rule #1 in putting together the Grief IICLE binders, tucked in between Perfecting is this: Don’t Cross the Line. The problem with Mechanics Liens and the Illinois Necronomicon, enforcing this rule is that no one can pinpoint waiting for someone to discover it, to read the the Line’s precise location. It’s not on Google words, and . . . well, the resulting cataclysm is Maps, and Rand McNally hung up on me. To just too horrible to imagine. be safe, we tried to define the Line by coming up with some sub-rules: The Grief would not be possible without the help of John Pcolinski, Terry Benshoof, 1. No scatological humor (we flushed all those Brian Dougherty, Raleigh Kalbfleisch, jokes down the toilet); Sean McCumber, Timothy Klein, Azam Nizammudin, Jonathan Crannell, 2. No questioning of attorney fashion choices; Christine McTigue, and the rest of the editorial board for their submissions, ideas, 3. No politics (there go all Terry Benshoof’s and hard work in putting this schlock-bomb Lyndon LaRouche jokes); together. And if you don’t laugh, you can still get that 2016 Ziggy wall calendar for half-off 4. No religion (there goes that “Zen and on Amazon!
2 DCBA Grief April 2016 President’s Message “Hoping for Growth”: A Theme to Measure up to By Jay “Stimpy” Laraia
How we doing? op to emphasize who the “big man” around the office was going to be) in prioritizing I am sure none of you knew this but I work my efforts. So it should come as no surprise for my Dad (rather than my wife, Ted). It is that my proudest and most significant probably also not generally known that I accomplishment as President of the DCBA have been shaving since the age of four; but I to date has been the creation of the digress. On my way to becoming DCBA Committee Overseeing DuPage Geriatric President, I grew up (in a manner of speaking) and Elderly legal Representatives. hearing stories about and from the legendary lawyers of DuPage County including the towering legal mind of Joseph Laraia. Those We have preliminarily set eligibility for guys had it all. They were allowed to drink at the CODGER to include any lawyer who lunch and then go back to finish their trials. has reached the age of 55 (or roughly 80% There was still the death penalty to contend of our members). We will hold monthly with and fist fights at bar functions were meetings of CODGER at Emmett’s Fix-It considered socially acceptable. They worked Shop commencing promptly at 4:30 in all hard and they played hard and they did it all months when the sun is still shining at 4:30 with a sort of panache and eloquence to be and will focus on keeping those Selectric envied. I mean, we’re talking about guys who typewriters and other state of the art office called their wives “babe” and their assistants equipment in good shape. We are also “girls” – a sort of DuPage County Rat Pack if exploring health and wellbeing issues for the you will. members of CODGER including commis- sioning a study of the side effects of exposure At my installation, I told all of those assem- to carbon paper when mixed with alcohol bled that during my term as President I would and using blue ink to relieve joint pain in be striving to provide more benefits and pro- one’s writing hand. It is my hope that the gramming, increasing member involvement, CODGER will keep these members emphasize training and resources for new active and contributing to DCBA for many lawyers and transitioning attorneys (i.e. the years to come (because God knows the guys who are “clearly playing the back nine” new kids are too busy with their Twizzler as it were). Along the way, I have had the and Facetime pages to join up and the only support and active direct involvement of my growing area of association revenue is the Dad (looking back, I think it was a mistake number of Sustaining Members who have to have the dual swearing in after the main nothing else to spend their Social Security ceremony but I really just wanted the photo checks on).
DCBA Grief April 2016 3 Former President’s Message I Can’t Believe They Forgot My President’s Message
By Lynn Cavallo
Editor’s Note- A glaring omission from last year’s “Thank you Umberto for delivering the Grief has been brought to our attention, for which Invocation. Next time, how ‘bout you try it we belatedly apologize. We failed to print a spoof in English?” president’s message from former DCBA President Lynn Cavallo. The document went missing, but “I’d be remiss at this time if I did not also now, deep from the vaults of the DCBA Grief mention the good folks at OFFLINE archives (which consists of 2 manila folders, a binder Productions, Goodyear, STP, Skoal Chewing clip, and a Dukes of Hazzard Trapper-Keep- Tobacco, Anheuser Busch and the Verdict er) we have found something even better! For Restaurant for their sponsorships. Personally, those who are nostalgic for the days of yesteryear, I am looking forward to seeing the uniforms before the manic grin of Flat Jay began infesting our we are getting for our DCBA staff members collective consciousness, we give you a transcript to wear with our sponsors’ logos all over them of Lynn Cavallo’s remarks at the Mega Meeting and to the neon signs for the ARC.” during her tenure as president, which has been compared in eloquence to the oratory of Sister “So another Mega Meeting has come Mary Elephant of the Our Lady of 115th Street around and I feel a bit like Buzz Light Year – (Google it . . . .or ask John Pcolinski). Enjoy! somewhat out in space. [Rush the punch line here] I am sure you will agree that “People . . .People!. . . PEOPLE!! SHADDU- our organization has gone ‘to infinity and UPP!! Thank you.” beyond’ for all of you today . . . [Again with the air quotes] So now it is time for me to “Thank you all, friends, family, work family, show you a movie about our changing legal colleagues, vendors here hawking your universe. Take a look:” [Whereupon a video services, business travelers looking to hook up of homeless and destitute young lawyers with with available lawyers or homeless people in Sarah McLachlan singing in the background off the streets just trying to grab a free lunch. was played]. About now, you probably know I am definitely Editor’s note: Lots of people watched videos on not speechless. [Pause here for laughter] their iPads and computers throughout most of We are glad to have you here for another Mega the Mega Meeting, just not the one Lynn was Meeting. This year our theme is FOCUS ON showing. THE NEGATIVE.” [Pause here to wipe a tear from your eye]”So what can we learn from this? Recent “Thank you Judge Creswell for delivering the studies and unscientific surveys taken in the State of the Courthouse Address today. I look ARC (where newbie attorneys can be seen forward to working with all of the ‘Active Mem- scarfing down donuts and bagels on Thurs- bers of the DuPage County Bar Association’ days like locusts) all agree that there is a who you and the rest of the circuit judges have crisis with large debt and low employment been installing as associate judges over the among students coming out of law school past several weeks and months.” [Make sure who are not also related to sitting judges, to do the air quotes here] (Continued on page 5)
4 DCBA Grief April 2016 The DCBA Grief is a publication of the DuPage County Bar Association 126 South County Farm Road Wheaton Illinois 60187 (630) 653-7779 does not Former President’s Message DCBA Grief welcome members’ feedback. (Continued from page 4) Please don’t send any Letters to the Editor at any time, for any reason. former County Board members and/or current employees of the State’s Attorney’s office (where the un- employment rate is zero percent). One might think that Get off my damn lawn Which one of you ordered a part of the solution would be for me and other similarly President the Geritol cocktail?” Executive Director experienced attorneys to quit our government jobs You call that music? so that kids can rise up through the ranks but that is President-Elect Directors: not what I am going to suggest. I am also not going to Ow my back! In my day we showed WHAT? ICANT HEAR YOU suggest letting the laws of supply and demand regulate old people respect Damn! Where did I leave my keys again? the number of lawyers practicing in the State of Illinois. 2nd Vice President I crack myself up These geezers need to get out of the way Rather we have put together a comprehensive plan to Pull up your pants Yes, it is the robe I find attractive have pizza parties at law schools and putting ‘How To’ 3rd Vice President I’m not as stiff as you think [I just love those air quotes] manuals on the DCBA Maureen O’Hara is my hero Sure, I’d love to help you find your keys website so that pro se litigants can so thoroughly foul up Have you seen my sup-hose? The nice thing about getting old is you Immediate Past President their legal matters on their own as to essentially guaranty can say anything I love the early bird specials at Denny’s future work for younger lawyers. Grant it that the pro se There’s another one litigants won’t be able to pay for that future legal work that got off on a technicality Of course a reverse mortgage makes but we are using the Illinois General Assembly’s budget- General Counsel sense Codgers Liaison ing model as our own. Let’s just kick the can down the I remember when gas road and hope it all sorts itself out.” cost $.32 a gallon Can I get that item two for one?” Secretary/Treasurer Appropriations for Entitled Baby Boomers Liaison
This is where the publication information we are required by law to include is usually found. Why reprint it? No one reads it. We only keep it in to take up space because we are short of material. And seriously, don’t send any letters to the editor about this issue. She won’t read them.
DCBA Grief April 2016 5
Articles Participants goingtothearbitrationcenter 10 9 8 By MarkFuddruckerburg The FluffAmendmenttoRule23 By ClarenceOver-by Darrow Miranda: AHelpfulSuggestionforLawDay2016 By ByronHeartydough,Sr. Thunderdome ArbitrationCenterComestoWheaton ARTICLES
“Two Lawyers Enter . . . One Lawyer Leaves!” Thunderdome Arbitration Center Comes to Wheaton By Byron Heartydough, Sr.
To prepare for the coming apocalypse, and to ease the Under the new Arb-Warrior rules, there is no talking, burdens on the courthouse, DuPage County has contracted arguing, or procedural maneuvering. The goal of the new rules with Australian director George “Mad Max” Miller to build is to harken back to those medieval days of yore, when justice us our very own Thunderdome next to the county fairgrounds, meant trial by combat. Here’s how it works: The opposing which will be ground zero for the new Arbitration Program for attorneys climb in, strap in to their bungee harnesses, and cases worth between $10,000 and $50,000. According to Chief do three rounds of freestyle hand-to-hand battle with the Judge Creswell, “This was a long time coming. Let’s see what familiar weapons of their trade, including redwell folders (worst these pencil-pushing law-jockeys are really made of.” paper-cuts ever), three-ring binders (unwieldy but deadly in the right hands), and staplers (a Swingline strike to the jugular In case you slept through the 1980’s, the Thunderdome is a trumps a hearsay objection any day). The lawyers’ clients are to cross-hatched, dome-shaped metal structure with room for two assist as “second chair” which means that in the second round combatants, bouncing around on bungee cords, who battle to they can jump into the arena and take a whack at the opposing the death while performing high-flying antics. Originally, award attorney with a folding chair. If after three rounds, neither winning actor/director/maniac Mel Gibson was scheduled to lawyer has been beaten into submission, scores are given by conduct mock arb-battles against all comers (CLE certifica- the arbitrators based on form, originality, and volume of blood- tion pending); however, he had to cancel due to a tight filming shed (measured in arb-buckets). The losing attorney can, if still schedule for Get the Gringo 2: Electric Boogaloo. Fortunately, breathing, reject the arbitrators’ award, at which point, the case the 18th Circuit’s own Honorable Robert G. Gibson (no is decreed “Beyond Thunderdome.” relation) has graciously offered to teach the class in his stead. Even now, Judge Gibson is in training under the eagle eye It has been confirmed that DCBA members will be allowed of our own perennial Mister Collar Counties bodybuilding to place bets on the combats, with a 10 percent cut going to contender, the Honorable Robert A. Miller, who has DuPage Legal Aid. The Illinois Attorney General’s Office just prescribed bench pressing bankers boxes full of chancery files opined that betting on arbitration results is legal (eat your (Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 5 reps x 5 sets), as well as a daily hearts out Draft Kings!) relying on an arcane federal regulation dose of the Richard Simmons classic Sweatin’ to the Oldies for governing gambling in Guam. Ground-breaking on Wheaton’s cardio. Thunderdome is scheduled for the fall of 2016.
8 DCBA Grief April 2016 ARTICLES Miranda: A Helpful Suggestion for Law Day 2016 By Clarence Over-by Darrow
We are all familiar (some more intimately than others) with the Legal Terminology (SPOILT). We here at SPOILT are making traditional Miranda warnings given by police officers to alleged a new push to (a) soften the terminology to avoid offending lawbreakers before hauling them off to the hoosegow: hyper-sensitive offenders,2 and (b) promote better relations between the police and the community. Some people have You have the right to remain silent. called this effort nothing more than spineless kowtowing to Anything you say can and will be used against you in a political correctness and half-baked social engineering. The court of law. people who say these things are meanies and should keep their You have the right to an attorney. opinions to themselves. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you. To achieve these goals SPOILT is making two proposals. First, we must stop using the term Miranda warnings. “Warning” As we all know, these new sounds so threatening and confrontational! We propose rights for criminal defendants replacing the term with Miranda suggestions. The idea is that were born in 1943 when Bra- when an officer begins an arrest by saying, “Hey, here are some zilian singer-dancer Carmen helpful suggestions,” we are setting a more positive tone for Miranda was arrested for that very first interaction the miscreant has with the criminal violation of a little known justice system. Remember, first impressions are most California law making “the important, and if that long arm of the law is seen as a kinder, wearing of fruit on or about one’s gentler arm, then we may very well end up with fewer choke- head” a Class A misdemeanor. holds and more group hugs. Local authorities interrogated Ms. Miranda for seven hours Secondly, we propose adding additional warnings suggestions straight, demanding that to the traditional ones described above, including the she explain once and for all following: the differences between the Carmen Miranda, before her arrest Samba, the Cha-cha and the If you don’t have anything nice to say, tell it to your attorney. Merengue.1 The case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme If you can’t afford an attorney, here’s my cousin’s business Court, and because then Chief Justice Harlan F. Stone was card - he’s the best. such a huge fan of Ms. Miranda’s work in the star-studded When in the back of the squad car, dig through the seats for musical, Weekend in Havana, he immediately proclaimed a loose change - free bail money! series of warnings that the police must declare at the time of Refrain from saying, “Don’t taze me, bro!” It just makes us arrest to avoid “scenarios where sultry South American songstresses want to taze you more. are being bullied and badgered by belligerent boys in blue” (fictional The wadded-up gum obscuring the lens of my body camera citation omitted). For better or worse, the Miranda warnings is there for your protection. have been with us ever since. We expect that, if enacted, SPOILT’s paradigm of police- Fast forward to 2016 and the DCBA shake-up and creation criminal relations will usher in a new era of social harmony of new sections for everything under the sun. Thankfully, not seen since Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry led an amiable there is a new Section to Prevent Offensive or Inappropriate Otis the Drunk to his perpetually unlocked cell. Namaste!
1. The Samba is a 2/4 rhythm, 3 step Brazilian dance where the body remains straight and one knee at a 2. SPOILT finds offending offenders offensive. time is bent. The Cha-cha is a more complex, polyrhythmic dance of Cuban origin. I don’t know what the #!%* the Merengue is . . . I thought it was that white fluff on top of lemon pie.
DCBA Grief April 2016 9 ARTICLES
The disposition of cases in the Appellate Court is governed by Illinois Supreme Court Rule 23. Many practitioners continue to grumble about the fact that the rule bars them from citing certain “unpublished” opinions despite the fact that they readily appear in electronic databases, and that such opinions are treated as if they have no precedential value. Others complain the Appellate Court takes too long in rendering their decisions, that their opinions are long-winded, confusing, or inconsistent.
Now a new change to the rule has been proposed by the Face- book Lawyer User Friendly Foundation (FLUFF) that they hope will put many of these grievances to rest. If their push is successful, they hope the rule will go into effect in 2017. The The Fluff new rule will require an Appellate Court panel to publish their opinion if:
A. The opinion establishes a new rule of law; Amendment B. The opinion explains an existing rule of law; C. The fact pattern involves a Kardashian; or D. The opinion is “meme-worthy.”
If none of these applies, the Appellate Court will simply post to Rule 23 a comment on its Facebook page, providing the caption of the By Mark Fuddruckerburg case followed by either a thumbs-up “LIKE” (which indicates that the trial court’s decision has been affirmed), or a frowny- face emoticon (which indicates that the trial court’s decision has been reversed.) For those who care to know the basis for the Appellate Court’s decision, one will need to go to the court’s Twitter account, where the facts and decision will be summarized in 140 characters or less.
When asked for comment about the reasons behind the rule FLUFF’S committee chair was quoted as follows: “In this age of social media, attorneys don’t have the attention span to read multi-page decisions, and judges, quite frankly, don’t have the attention span to write them. Our new rule change simply brings our Appellate Court in alignment with the culture. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to Instagram a picture of my salad to the Health and Wellness Committee.”
If you support the FLUFF and their proposed amendment to Rule 23, please like them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter, subscribe to their YouTube Channel, and tell everyone you know, “I’m a FLUFF-er! Wouldn’t you like to be a FLUFF-er too?”
10 DCBA Grief April 2016 News & Events Mentoring programinaction 20 Classifieds 19 18 16 16 15 15 14 13 12 By SeanPenn Judicial ProfileofElihuSmails Storage Wars: Wheaton By SeanConnery Profile ofJudgeDreddJudicialExchange Important Announcement:We Ain’tDrunk.We JustDrinkin’ By EdwardR.Merlot Go FundMeCampaignStartedforNewLawFirmSign Senior LawyersDivision Texting CheatSheet–CourtesyofDCBA DCBA SeeksSectionSuckers By ByronHeartydough,Jr. Call ofJuryDuty:BlackRobeOps Video GameReview - By Tally Hoofbender InGrief
Leaders!
News & Events
InGrief By Tally Hoofbender
The 41st edition of the Judges’ Nite As many of our members are aware, Howitzers in front of the American 40th Show, Narcolepsy the Musical, may President-elect Ted Donner has long- Legion Post have been re-installed. very well have been the greatest show time ties to Second City and the show ever put on under the direction of Nick business world. The Donner presidency People, Places Nelson and Brent Christensen . . . will begin in grand fashion, with a gala InGrief continues to scoop the media but it’s difficult to tell, since most of the Installation event this coming June. To outlets for those news items about our audience, and half of the Judges’ Nite make sure that everything goes off flaw- membership. Band fell asleep during the presentation. lessly, Steve Harvey has been selected Producer Christina Morrison noted to announce the winner of the DCBA InGrief has just learned that Judge Jim that the event still was a monetary Lawyer of the Year Award. Konetski has landed a spot in the cast success, as the production staff simply of the Duck Dynasty Show. moved through the snoozing audience With the changing of the guard, DCBA emptying wallets and purses. is looking to become more dynamic and is retiring Flat Jay in favor of the Tony Abear announces the opening of DCBA Presidency and Ted-ator Drone – a piece of flying a downtown Chicago office. The new Board of Directors hardware that will hover for extended satellite office, serving the firm’s city The DCBA election season is in full periods, high above DCBA events, not- clientele, will be located next to the swing as we go to press. The addition of ing matters that need his attention, Garrett’s Popcorn store on Randolph a Senior Lawyers Division added a new then targeting and swooping in, ever so Street. The convenient new location will dimension to the election process, with deliberately. It can be called upon from be able to dispense all the services Tony’s petitions and ballots now having to be its hangar on the DCBA rooftop by law practice currently provides. set up in large type, and voting having shining the Ted signal into the night, or to be completed by 4 p.m. each day, speed-dialing the Ted-Phone. Now that the Super Lawyers 2016 list has so as not to interfere with the Denny’s been published, InGrief felt the need to specials. In the Courts give due publicity to the other end of The concern over security measures in the spectrum, by presenting the Pretty Rumors continue to swirl that Donald the field courts continues. The Wheaton Much Not So Great Lawyers 2016 list. Trump plans to run for the presidency Field Court has been moved into newly Unfortunately, the Ethics Committee of the DCBA if he’s not successful in remodeled Court Room 1003 in the main informed InGrief that current interpre- grabbing the Republican nomination courthouse. Additional measures are tations of the Professional Responsibility for the United States top spot. Watch already in place in Addison and Glen- Rules prohibit publishing the names of this space, as he plans to announce a dale Heights. Strong security measures those disbarred, suspended, or otherwise Yuge endorsement from a group of past will soon be ready in Downers Grove, incompetent attorneys. Maybe next DCBA presidents. as the firing mechanisms in the 105mm year.
12 DCBA Grief April 2016 News & Events
Video Game Review - Call of Jury Duty: Black Robe Ops
By Byron Heartydough, Jr.
through voir dire, cause your character courthouse. I found hiding in the fourth to be disqualified as a potential juror, floor courtrooms to be a bad idea for this and escape the courthouse before the part of the game since those rooms seem coffee in the ARC runs out or Judge to be “target practice” for the security McKillip finishes the 9:00 court call, force. so time is of the essence! If your character is injured you can The beginning of the game requires replenish your health by stealing food you to get through court security from judges’ chambers or digging as quickly as possible, and you have through the garbage after a CLE in the A new genre of video games, known some options. You can tranquilize an ARC. If you like cold pizza crust, stick as the “First Person Snoozer” is taking attorney in the parking garage to get with the latter. The second floor judges shape around the country, and the a courthouse I.D. (be mindful of the did have some good eats (e.g. sushi, DuPage County Courthouse has ones that have concealed carry licenses, chicken cordon bleu, lobster rolls, filet recently been used as the setting for as a shoot-out may ensue – more on mignon . . . you get the picture), but one such game. The new game entitled that later), pick-pocket an attorney (not watch out for flying gavels! “Call of Jury Duty: Black Robe Ops” is useful, as I only found loose change set to launch in mid-2016 and is touted and lotto tickets), or be part of the by its publisher, Smactivision, as the unwashed masses going through the I don’t want to ruin all of the fun to be first “Tactical Courthouse Espionage” metal detectors (be careful, as the had sitting in the jury room and answer- adventure. Through the courtesy of coffee may be gone before you get ing questions during voir dire. I will save Smactivision’s marketing department, through). that for your own experience. During I was given a first-hand preview of the that part of the game, a firefight with game before it hits the shelves. At any point in the game, if you cause “In My Crosshairs Security” was surely too much of a ruckus, the “bad guys” welcome. In the game, you play the character “Soft go on high alert and you need to hide Lizard” who is part of a secret govern- for a while. Your nemesis is a private ment organization called “Abogados Sin security force called “In My Cross- This reviewer gives Call of Jury Duty: Pagar Los Clientes” (Lawyers without Pay- hairs Security” which has taken over Black Robe Ops five points for originality, ing Clients). Your overall objective, using and is comprised of ex-Chicago Police three points for playability. Unfortunately, a combination of stealth and CQC (close officers who were terminated for in terms of learning about courtroom quarters combat for the uninitiated), being too zealous in the use of procedures or the jury selection process, is to infiltrate the Judicial Center, ammunition while on duty, so there are I must give it zero points . . . or to say it under the guise of jury duty, stay awake about a thousand of these guys in the another way, the game is pointless.
DCBA Grief April 2016 13 News & Events
Judicial Profile of Elihu Smails By Sean Penn
While Judge William Ferguson has Smails talked at great length about Goodness . . . or badness?” Noting that taken a short leave of absence for the his one legal nemesis, a local boorish these questions have not affected his Judicial Education Conference this construction magnate named Al Czervik. conviction rate or his Reaper nickname, year, Judge Elihu Smails from Bush- “Czervik was an awful man who mocked he simply changed the subject back to wood graciously accepted the call from our fine country club and stirred up a lawyers. Chief Judge Kathryn Creswell to keep nest of gophers,” Smails said, “but he met the courthouse running smoothly and his match. I told him if he didn’t shut perhaps lighten Judge Ferguson’s docket. down his construction, I’ll slap an injunc- Smails has little sympathy for the state Judge Smails expressed his extreme tion on him so fast it’ll make his head of law student debt these days. When pleasure at participating in a judicial spin.” Smails chuckled as he claimed his asked some pressing questions from profile of his illustrious career. victory over Czervik. A review of judicial Justice Jorgensen’s Committee on review board records from his state Crushing Law School Debt and What In sitting down for an interview in the indicates that Smails received a repri- No One Can Do About It, Smails golf shrine known as Ferguson’s cham- mand for golfing and gambling during sternly stated, “Well, the world needs bers, Judge Smails brought out some working hours. ditch diggers, too!” While he does not Fresca and wove a tale of his storied seem to have much regard for newer law- experiences on the bench. Smails began yers and their future, when asked about as a lawyer in a large commercial real Smails had a reputation in the criminal his advice to current attorneys, Smails estate firm, where he amassed a large division as well, a reputation for which he commented, “It’s easy to grin when your fortune buying unused federal land, is quite proud. Often referred to as the ship comes in and you’ve got the stock repurposing it, and selling it back to the Reaper, Smails smirked, “I’ve sentenced market beat. But the man worthwhile is Bureau of Land Management for a tidy boys younger than you to the gas the man who can smile when his shorts sum. When asked what led him to the chamber. Didn’t want to do it, but felt I are too tight in the seat.” As if to allay bench, Smails commented, “I was talking owed it to them.” He honestly feels that the confusion, Smails added, “I’m no with an old family friend, Ken Moy, and criminals are best deterred with strict slouch myself.” Chief Judge Creswell, he told me the judiciary was the way to sentences and strong application of who just joined the interview, responded go.” He continued, “Ken has always had sentencing guidelines. However, he “Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a good head on his shoulders, so I poured reveals his softer side, when discussing a tremendous slouch.” And with that, money into my campaign, and was easily the future of criminal justice, as he another successful judicial profile made elected by the people.” He has served in added, “I always ask the guilty – The its way to the finest legal publication the civil division and criminal division of most important decision you can make ever, the DuPage County Bar Associa- his state’s judiciary. right now is what do you stand for? tion Brief.
14 DCBA Grief April 2016 News & Events DCBA Seeks Section Suckers Leaders!
After introducing the concept of sections 2. Contested Sub-sub-section 2. Wrong Place at the Wrong Time last year, DCBA leadership realized 3. Fight over Styx vinyl and Rockford Sub-sub-section that some reworking was needed. It was Files VHS Collections Sub-sub- 3. Probably Guilty of Something Else decided that certain sections were too section Anyway Sub-sub-section broad and needed to be divided up into subsections, sub-sub-sections, mini-sec- B. Parentage Subsection B. Guilty Clients Subsection tions, and micro-sections. To give you 1. Paternity stipulated Sub-sub-section 1. Kept Mouth Shut Sub-sub-section an example of what we’re talking about, 2. Paternity contested Sub-sub-section 2. Spilled the Beans and Up S#!@ here’s an outline showing how the Family 3. Call Maury Povich Sub-sub-section Creek Sub-sub-section Law and Criminal Law Sections have C. Bill Cosby Subsection been subdivided: Criminal Law Section If you’re interested in becoming a section Family Law Section A. Innocent Clients Subsection leader in these or any other sections, or if A. Divorce Subsection 1. Pure as the Driven Snow Sub-sub- you have ideas for further nano-sections, 1. Uncontested Sub-sub-section section please contact Leslie Monahan. Texting Cheat Sheet – Courtesy of DCBA Senior Lawyers Division
LOL: Little Old Lady BTW: Bring the Walker. ROFL-CGU: Rolling On the Floor Senior Lawyers Division Laughing – and Can’t Get Up. WTF: What’s Today’s Fish? Membership Card IMHO: Is My Hearing-aid On? Committee Overseeing DuPage Geriatric & Elderly legal Representatives OMG: Ouch, My Goiter! (C.O.D.G.E.R.) Lifetime membership card (expires 5 years from date of issuance) NSFW: No Solid Food, Waiter! TGIF-EBS: Thank Goodness it’s Four Member Benefits: o’clock -Early Bird Special! • Free Coffee Refills at the ARC JK: Just Kvetching • Matlock Fan Club Fanny Pack TTYL: Talk To You Louder • E-Filing Exemption - Mimeographs Accepted MILF: Meal I’d Like to Forget FYI: For Your Indigestion Punch Card: Attend 10 Senior Lawyer Division Meetings for a Free Colonoscopy. LMAA: Leave My Antacids Alone! FWB: Friend With Betablockers MGD: My Grandson’s a Doctor LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
DCBA Grief April 2016 15 News & Events Go Fund Me Campaign Started for New Law Firm Sign
By Edward R. Merlot
Important Announcement: photo in color for placement only black & white final We Ain’t Drunk. We Just Drinkin’
It has come to the Editorial Board’s attention that complaints have been If you’re driving on that Street of Dreams One of the Grief’s more intrepid reporters made about our selection of photographs we call Roosevelt Road, heading west even attempted to pry back a corner of from bar events that are published in the from Interstate 355, you’ll encounter the metal plate to get a look at the word Brief. The gravamen of the grievance is some strange things: a dwarf-themed beneath it, but the brief glimpse he got that we use too many pics of attorneys restaurant, a Fresh Market grocery store blasted away his sanity and sent him clutching alcoholic beverages, and that ominously close to the Wheaton Animal screaming for the hills. the public might get the impression that Hospital, and strangest of all, a brown the legal community gets blitzed out of and gold sign for a law firm that says: Now a Go Fund Me campaign has been its collective gourd at the drop of a free initiated by one Scilliam Wott who seeks drink ticket. “Beck, Houlihan and [BIG DARK to raise enough funds to either buy them METAL RECTANGLE]” a new sign, or come up with a new phrase to add to the existing sign. Right now Unfortunately, searching for drink-free It is as if a giant iron-working govern- the top contenders for the new name or photos from a bar function is like looking ment official strolled by and redacted the phrase are as follows: for beef in a Taco Bell taco. Thankfully, sign. Many a motorist has been driven Beck, Houlihan & Beyond; we’ve come up with a simple, effective to distraction wondering what hides Beck, Houlihan & A Bag of Chips; solution - doctor the photos and remove under the metal rectangle. Traffic Beck, Houlihan & a Partridge in a the drinks. Just what the doctor ordered! routinely snarls to a standstill as people Pear Tree; and We’re still fine tuning the process, but point and scratch their heads, while horns Beck, Houlihan & The Horse You Rode check out the next page (Page 17) to honk, and lawyers end up late for court. In On. see our preliminary efforts at building Freedom of Information Act requests a more tee-totaling reputation for the have gone unanswered. Superman can’t Mr. Wott could not be reached for com- bar. Meet us for happy hour at Cooper’s see through the mysterious metal plate ment, but if you support his efforts, go to Corner in Winfield on any Thursday and due to its high lead-kryptonite content. his website, godihatethatfrigginsign.net. let us know what you think!
16 DCBA Grief April 2016 News & Events
‘Sobering’ Images from the DuPage Bar.
DCBA Grief April 2016 17 News & Events
Profile of Judge Dredd of Judicial Exchange By Sean Connery
Last year, the Association of Supreme Judge on assessment is likely to be Law.” He had slammed down the Book Chief Judges of America instituted a involved in armed combat. One in five of Law from Mega City One, which in Judicial Exchange Program, where judges don’t survive the first day. You may actuality is quite a bit smaller than the from all around the country go to other be required to carry out on-the-spot Illinois Compiled Statutes. Dredd also counties to serve as judges, and maybe executions of convicted felons.” became chatty about his biggest case even learn a few new tricks to bring Fullerton’s eyes glazed over as Demling as a judge, as he stated, “The legend- back to their home courts. Chief Judge began searching for the laser-activated ary Angel family. Cursed Earth pirates, Kathryn Creswell has packed her pitching wedge, so Dredd agreed to sit murderers, scavengers, and of course bags and left for Mega City One, and in down for 10 minutes for an interview. scumbags!” The Angel family was a group exchange, Judge Dredd has arrived in Watching French-Vlasic-Mallen leave in of cannibals that murdered Dredd’s DuPage County to bring his unique style tears, Dredd mused, “Emotions . . . there mentor while out in the Cursed Earth. of justice to the Felony Division of the ought to be a law against them.” Dredd tried and executed the Angels as Eighteenth Judicial Circuit. he escaped from their torture chamber. The years of street justice have clearly Pinning Dredd down for an interview taken their toll on Dredd. When asked As noted before, the years in Mega City was quite impossible, as he wandered about his current concerns about the One and the Angel family have worn on the halls of 505 N. County Farm Road state of the judicial system, he noted, Dredd, but not so harshly that he could looking for ways to improve judicial effi- “America is an irradiated wasteland. not give advice to younger attorneys. ciency. Finding that Dredd had cornered Within it lies a city. Outside the bound- First, he stated, “Let him take the law he Judges John Demling, Paul Fullerton, ary walls, a desert. A cursed earth. Inside serves so well to those who have it not.” and Dorothy French-Johnson-Proc- the walls, a cursed city, stretching from Then he added, “The law doesn’t make tor-Gamble-Mallen, his words were Boston to Washington D.C. An unbro- mistakes.” That statement resonated stern and foreboding, “The Judge’s ken concrete landscape.” With a glint throughout the fourth floor of the Henry standard-issue helmet and body armor. in his eye, he added, “Only one thing J. Hyde Judicial Office Facility. Judges Yours, when you graduate. Lawgiver-2 fighting for order in the chaos: the men began to listen. Judge Bakalis entered standard-issue sidearm, with 20 inter- and women of the Hall of Justice. Juries. the meeting room with a few other changeable rounds and voice-activated Executioners. Judges.” Dredd, in typical circuit judges, intent on offering Dredd round system. Yours, if you graduate.” street judge fashion, always seems ready the position of Chief Judge. Dredd The three DuPage judges were wracked for action, helmet on his right, lawgiver sneered, “I’m a Street Judge. And I’m with confusion, as this was supposed on his left. Turning to what made him very late for work.” And with that, he set to be an executive committee meeting. want to be a judge, he mused, “end of off for the Cursed Earth, conveniently Dredd, glowering at French-Smith- the day, when you’re alone in the dark, starting in Villa Park, to head back to Wesson-Mallen, sternly stated, “A rookie the only thing that matters is this – the Mega City One.
18 DCBA Grief April 2016 News & Events Storage Wars: Wheaton the DuPage bar are no slouches when it comes to generating excitement, so, in order to get the show approved, it has been suggested that members of the bar and judiciary start salting these lockers with whatever weird, one-of-a-kind stuff, they have lying around their chambers or their homes. So far, the following items have been donated:
A vintage polyester sweater vest, rumored to have been worn by John Travolta’s personal assistant during the filming ofSaturday Night Fever;
An autographed photo of Svengoolie, signed “Dear Mr. Glimco, one more call and I’m getting that Order of Protection”;
Ever since Happy Days gave birth to The producers recently came to A collection of funny postcards from Joanie Loves Chachi, spinoff TV shows Wheaton and took some test footage. former Judge Patrick Leston from have become as American as apple In doing so, they did an inventory of every continent but Antarctica; pie and fortune cookies. Housewives of the abandoned lockers outside the Lombard is in post-production, and as courthouse, and here’s a sample of A funny postcard from the Honorable we speak, casting has begun on CSI: what they found: Terence M. Sheen from Antarctica. Winfield. And now, the Grief’s Holly- wood connections have paid off with a Locker 9: A flip-phone and a bag of At present, the producers of the show tip about a new program that should be Funyuns; are looking for an auctioneer, and the of interest to our readers. Storage Wars Locker 17: Farfalle and a pair of flip- Honorable Timothy McJoynt is on the has come to Wheaton! flops; short-list, having gotten top score on the Locker 24: Box-cutter, razor blades, decipherable words-per-second testing. For those of you unfamiliar with the and Issue #7 of Box Cutter Fancy; Unfortunately, during the audition, he A&E Network’s hit show Storage Locker 666: A shrunken head; kept switching away from auctioneering Wars, it’s about a collection of sweaty Locker 667: A shrunken hat. spiel to go into his divorce prove-up California weirdos who do battle over script: “I’ve-got-thirty-do-I-hear-thirty- abandoned storage lockers. The auction The original show has gotten some five-thirtyfive-I-find-that-irreconcilable- begins, the bidding goes fast and furious, criticism for being scripted and fake – differences-exist-that-have-led-to-an- and then the winners rummage through specifically, it has been alleged that irretrievable -” . . . “CUT!”. mountains of hoarded junk in the hopes the lockers have been “salted” with of finding a lost Picasso, a Gutenberg interesting or expensive items to make We will keep you updated on further Bible, or a fat stack of drug-dealer’s cash. the show more exciting. Well, we in developments.
DCBA Grief April 2016 19 News & Events Classifieds
Need a new building for your burgeon- Cheap Office Space so it gets to the layout folks on time); County Fairgrounds? Did you know ing law practice? No job is too big for Available Writing Commitment (a beef jerky that the Courthouse Lagoon connects Czervik & Spackler Construction & Beautiful 2-story home converted to recipe, your list of favorite Chuck Nor- to the court’s basement sump-pit? Landscaping. We build it “any way offices. Low rents due to baseless ris movies, quotes from Caddyshack, Well now, an offshoot of Uber, known you want it, just the way you need it,” rumor that property was built over whatever!). If you are still interested, as Unter (ask Jim Reichardt for the and we guarantee gopher-free lawns. ancient Indian burial ground. Fully please contact Tony Abear at this- German-English translation), is offer- If you contract with us in the next 30 furnished . . . the rooms practically [email protected]. ing U-505 submarine rides that will days, You get a complimentary golf re-arrange themselves! No showings shave minutes off your commute and hat, and your choice of a free bowl of after sundown or on the Summer Sol- offer you a splendid spectacle of that soup or a Baby Ruth candy bar. stice. And no, that’s not the wailing of Underwater Taxi world beneath the waves. Marvel at tortured souls you hear- it’s just the Service the second largest cigarette-butt reef Grappling with how to move big wind. Basement already leased - keep Tired of driving all the way to DuPage in North America. Is that Hoffa down wads of unmarked cash? Stop by cellar door locked!!! Court’s parking garage or making there? Your guess is as good as ours. the Hastert Hush-Hush Currency that Bataan death march from the Get the Unter App on your phone now! Exchange. We are a young, flexible Editorial Board Needs operation, and we deal in small Fresh Meat transactions ($9,999.99 or less) The DCBA Brief’s Editorial Board is and small customers! No questions now accepting applications for the asked. The blacker the mail, the 2016-17 publication year. Qualifica- higher the fee. Right next door to tions include: Writing Experience Denny’s Greco-Roman Wrestling (having prepared a legible order on School - Turning singlets into cou- the third floor will suffice);Editing ple[t]s since 1974. Experience (having ripped up the B.S. order prepared by your weaselly op- In need of inexpensive legal contract posing counsel will suffice);Culinary work? Call Pro Hac Sandwiche to Experience (current members tired get connected with lawyers willing of eating cold pizza); People Skills to work for food! Give a lawyer a (yes, we’re people!). Responsibilities pre-packaged sandwich, and he will include Time Commitment (at least eat for a day. Make a lawyer a sand- make it to your first meeting - the rest 1 Free ‘Sunset Lawyer’ wich, and he will sue you for food are optional); Editing Commitment Cruise of the DuPage poisoning. (just close your eyes and hit “forward” Courthouse Lakes. Includes a mug of lukewarm milk and bread crumbs to feed the swans.
20 DCBA Grief April 2016