Healthy Responses to Self Criticism Parenting

Bigger Kids. Bigger Fun.

Healthy Responses to Self Criticism

Parenting After Divorce Strategies to Strengthen the New Family

Allowance? Does it Make Cents?

The Benefits of Siblings Sharing Bedrooms

VOL. 9 ISSUE 5 MAY-JUNE 2017 $ 3.95 Pornography: The Conversation Changes By Age yourteenmag.com TEENS HAVE QUESTIONS

ABOUT RELATIONSHIPs ABOUT ANATOMY

ABOUT PUBERTY ABOUT SEX

ABOUT GENDER ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL

216Teens has answers

AGE APPROPRIATE • MEDICALLY ACCURATE • EVIDENCE BASED 216Teens is a program of the Cuyahoga County Board of Health designed to prevent teen pregnancy and STDs. We do this by educating, informing and motivating teens to make healthier choices about their sexual health. Visit our website today.

WWW.216TEENS.ORG.

Brought to you by the Cuyahoga County Board of Health. Funded by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Adolescent Health. TEENS HAVE QUESTIONS CONTENTS

33 PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE Strategies to Strengthen ABOUT the New Family RELATIONSHIPs ABOUT ANATOMY 35 Blending Families: p. 33 Ideas to Make it Work

11 Bulletin Board 30 Modern Family 11 Summer Plans Sibling Rivalry ABOUT 11 #ParentHack p. 28 13 Stats 39 Crossroads PUBERTY Pornography: The Conversation ABOUT Changes By Age SEX 14 Gift Guides: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Graduation 42 Ask the Doctor Anxiety: The Most Common Diagnosis 18 In a Minute 18 The Value of Volunteering 45 College Corner 19 The Tall and Short of It ROTC: A College Degree and Path to the Military ABOUT 20 Move Out Skills GENDER How to Cook a Meal 48 Money Matters ABOUT Does Allowance Make Cents? Recipe BIRTH 21 50 Tween Talk Chicken Cordon Bleu Sliders from CONTROL Siblings Sharing Bedrooms The Weeknight Dinner Cookbook ON THE COVER 52 Tech Talk 22 In the Spotlight Cyberbullying So Subtle Raúl De Molina from Univision You Might Miss It 23 Book Review 54 Hot Topics 216Teens has answers Armada by Ernest Cline E’myri Crutchfield, 25 Did You Know? from the mini-series Roots AGE APPROPRIATE • MEDICALLY ACCURATE • EVIDENCE BASED Summer is the Time for Exploration 56 Small Stuff 216Teens is a program of the Cuyahoga County Board of Health designed to prevent teen pregnancy and STDs. 28 Family Matters Helpful Responses to We do this by educating, informing and motivating teens to make healthier choices about their sexual health. Visit our website today. Picky Eaters Self Criticism 58 Snapshot I Never Thought It Would Be My Daughter 60 In My Opinion Special thanks to our cover sponsor, My Son and I Were Best Buds The Roll House, where you and your p. 30 teenager can enjoy a game of bowling while dining on delicious food. 62 All About Me Seven locations in Ohio. Learn more at WWW.216TEENS.ORG. What’s in a [Nick] Name? therollhouse.com. Brought to you by the Cuyahoga County Board of Health. Funded by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Adolescent Health. COVER PHOTO: BETH SEGAL YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 3 MORE CONTENT ONLINE AT May-June 2017 Volume 9, Issue 5 YOURTEENMAG.COM

PUBLISHER & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER Stephanie Silverman

PUBLISHER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Susan R. Borison

EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD EDITORIAL MANAGER Elise Ellick Ellen Rome, MD, MPH Diana Simeon Teen Counselor in the Pediatrician, Head, SENIOR EDITOR Division of Adolescent Section of Adolescent Medicine, Department Medicine at Cleveland Introducing A Parents’ Guide to Jane Parent of Pediatrics at Clinic. COPY EDITOR MetroHealth. Laura Putre Chris Seper College Admissions Lauren Rich Fine Regional General Our latest website features everything you need to PROOFREADER Managing Director at Manager, Digital at The know about college admissions, from ninth grade on. Jessica Semel Gries Financial. E.W. Scripps Company. Marcia Hales Amy Speidel yourteenmag.com/college SALES Partner at Morland Certified Parent Coach Lisa Golovan, Shari Silk Partners. at Senders Parenting Center. CONTROLLER Amanda Weiss Lisa Lindenberg Kelly, MD Sonni Kwon University Hospitals, Senkfor, MBA CREATIVE Rainbow Babies & Independent Consultant. CREATIVE DIRECTOR Children’s Hospital Facilitator with The Meredith Pangrace Pediatrician, Director, WIT Group and MAC Pediatric Sports Consulting. Medicine. PHOTOGRAPHER Beth Segal Judy Stenta, MSW Julian Peskin, MD Retired Project Director, Cleveland Clinic staff SAY, a program of WEB CONTENT member, Department Bellefaire JCB. WEB CONTENT EDITOR of Obstetrics and Mindy Gallagher Gynecology. Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Heather Rhoades Cleveland Clinic Drugs & Alcohol Family Life CIRCULATION Owner of the Foundation. popular website The Changing 20 Things We Know CIRCULATION SPECIALIST GardeningKnowHow.com Eca Taylor as well as the mother of 5 Lucene Wisniewski, Conversation About for Sure About wonderful children. PhD, FAED Chief Clinical Officer of Marijuana Teenagers The Emily Program THIS ISSUE Sylvia Rimm, PhD CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Psychologist, Director bit.ly/YT-marijuana bit.ly/YT-20things Lee Zapis Lisa Beach, Mary Helen Berg, Cathie Ericson, of Family Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, President of Zapis Karen Gillooly, Molly Gleydura, Sandra Gordon, Case Western Reserve Capital Group. Sharon Holbrook, Janet Kramer, Jackson Lake, School of Medicine. Your Teen E-Newsletter... Rebecca Meiser, Ilene Neides, Want more from Your Teen? Kathleen Osborne, Sarah Pinneo, Michael Ritter, CPA Laura Richards, Brianna Torres, Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP. Sign up for our weekly newsletters Elisa Torres to get regular updates on middle school, high school, and everything else about raising a teenager.YourTeenMag.com/Sign-Up/ Your Teen, Vol 9, Issue 5, May-June 2017 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118.

©2017 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the FOLLOW US! written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen. ADVERTISING YourTeen yourteenmag yourteenmag +Yourteenmag YourTeenMagazine yourteenmag Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

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had my first “bashing” experience Someone may get embarrassed. For the last 10 years, Your Teen for on the Your Teen Facebook page. Your teens may get angry, but their Parents has done its best to offer IMy name was not attached to safety is your #1 responsibility. support, compassion, and helpful my story so the responses weren’t So, I suggest going to the basement advice without being overly critical. personal, nevertheless I felt a lot of and asking the kids if they need Our mission from Day 1 has been judgment coming my way. snacks. This is always a good to empower parents in a judgment- excuse to check on the kids.” free zone. Parenting teenagers is I posed a question to one of our complicated and nuanced. If parenting experts, Dr. Barbara Greenberg. This post generated many comments. were black and white, we’d all have the Some of them were grateful for rule book. “Ten kids are in my basement. My the advice. Some offered helpful husband and I know all the kids. suggestions. And some were Thanks to all the people who We periodically walk by the door judgmental and harsh... share wonderful, positive, helpful to the basement and think about suggestions through our print going downstairs to check on This is the dumbest article I've magazine, on our website, and on them. We make a little noise to ever read. Offer snacks? social media. And please don’t let them know that we are home. Really? It's your house, parents. misconstrue my words. We want And then, we ignore our gut and You don't need an excuse to check people to disagree. Just perhaps don’t go downstairs. on them. with a bit more understanding of the feeling of being exposed and Before I was confronted with vulnerable when we open up about parenting struggles. the situation, I had a clear and You do not need a reason to go unwavering answer: We will go to your basement. You don't downstairs. On our watch, we need to take cookies, drinks, and We have a great issue for you (of have a responsibility to those wait on them like it's a restaurant. If course!), including our wonderful kids and to the parents of the they get mad, tough. This feature about parenting through and other children to make sure that perpetuates the notion that parents after divorce. We’ve also got articles everyone is safe. need their kids’ approval. Just do to help you talk about pornography your job. (yep, you read that right), to help you At that moment, we felt make decisions about allowance, and distrusting, we felt ambivalent, to help you figure out what to say but mostly we just felt when your teenager feels badly about Totally backwards, kids running herself. And so much more. embarrassed to go down and the house instead of the check. What should we have parents. Forget the cookies, Enjoy the read! done?” laundry, etc. parents. It's your house, you pay the mortgage and Dr. Greenberg had a helpful answer. bills. Stop letting your kids make you feel guilty and be parents for “You are in good company here. God’s sake. Parents frequently ask me this question—do they have Being judged felt awful. I had owned permission to invade their teens' that we had neglected to do the right privacy by checking up on them. thing, and Dr. Greenberg and others replied with helpful and sympathetic It is your responsibility to make suggestions. But “Do your job?” And sure that the kids are engaging “Be parents?” This went beyond the in safe and healthy behavior. usual “ouch.”

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 7 FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

RAÚL DE MOLINA Raúl De Molina is a multiple Emmy award-winning co-host of the Univision entertainment news show El Gordo y la Flaca. When he's not on camera, he's trying to keep up with his 16-year-old daughter, Mia. We had lots of fun chatting with De Molina about the challenge of parenting in the teenage years. You’ll find our conversation on page 22.

LAURA MARKLEY We’ve been struck in recent years by how many teenagers are suffering from anxiety. What’s up with that and how can we help? We caught up with Dr. Laura Markley, a child & adolescent psychiatrist at Akron Children’s Hospital, for answers. (Page 42)

E’MYRI CRUTCHFIELD We loved watching actor E’myri Crutchfield in last year’s History Channel remake of the beloved mini-series, Roots. So, we were delighted to have the opportunity to talk to Crutchfield and mom, Erica, Create your own about acting, school, and lots more. Flip to page 54 to read SUMMER adventure. our Q&A. HB offers a wide array of summer programming for boys and girls ages 3–21, SARAH PINNEO with dozens of offerings to choose from. Special thanks to Sarah Pinneo and her son, Jackson Lake, for penning this issue’s Visit hb.edu/summer to browse through academic, review of Ernest Cline’s athletics, adventure, theatre, and specialty camp Armada (page 23). Pinneo is options to create your own one-of-a-kind experience. the author of the Ski House We offer flexible scheduling. Cookbook and the novel, Call 216.320.8085 for details. Julia’s Child. She is also is a contributor to the Boston Globe, New York Times, Parent & Child, and other publications.

8 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS SLIDE INTO A SUMMER OF FUN!

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CLEVELAND STATE DISCOVER THE MAGIC EXPLORE THE AFRICAN OF STORYTELLING AMERICAN EXPERIENCE UNIVERSITY The AHA! outdoor Book Festival Author Isabel Wilkerson will feature authors, publishers discusses the incredible story presents and interactive exhibits of the Great Migration

DANCE LIKE A STAR LAUGH LIKE A COMEDIAN Dancing with the Stars’ Yvette Nicole Brown will Karina Smirnoff will lead a provide a humorous take public workshop for dancers on the importance of arts of all skills and ages education

EXAMINE THE KISS A FROG CREATIVE PROCESS The Frog Bride is a hip musical Award-winning American adaption of a classic fable novelist Jonathan Safran Foer featuring a jazz-funk score June 7-9, 2017

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FEATURED EVENTS We asked teens... Visit AHACSU.COM for full festival schedule. If you could do anything you want this summer, what would it be? CLEVELAND STATE DISCOVER THE MAGIC EXPLORE THE AFRICAN OF STORYTELLING AMERICAN EXPERIENCE UNIVERSITY The AHA! outdoor Book Festival Author Isabel Wilkerson will feature authors, publishers discusses the incredible story presents and interactive exhibits of the Great Migration

#ParentHack Wake-up Call

DANCE LIKE A STAR LAUGH LIKE A COMEDIAN When my oldest son was a Dancing with the Stars’ Yvette Nicole Brown will younger teen, he often strug- Karina Smirnoff will lead a provide a humorous take public workshop for dancers on the importance of arts gled to get out of bed in the of all skills and ages education morning. Nothing seemed to work—setting multiple alarms, nagging, consequences, more nagging. One day I was so If I could do anything this sum- My dream summer would consist frustrated I decided I had to mer, I would go to Australia. I of playing in local golf tourna- EXAMINE THE KISS A FROG would visit all of the crazy des- ments, taking a week off to go to do something completely dif- CREATIVE PROCESS The Frog Bride is a hip musical sert shops and milkshake places Hawaii, and then playing on my ferent to catch him off guard. Award-winning American adaption of a classic fable that are always being shown on high school golf team in August featuring a jazz-funk score I sat on the edge of his bed, novelist Jonathan Safran Foer Instagram and Buzzfeed. Bungee throughout the fall. started bouncing up and down jumping sounds pretty cool too. Ben, Cleveland, OH June 7-9, 2017 and began to sing the Barney Joanna, Cleveland, OH song at the top of my lungs. in partnership with If I could do anything this sum- I should mention that I can’t I would definitely travel to Af- mer, I would want to travel the sing very well. He grumbled and rica with my family. I've always world doing crazy things. Some- LEAD LIKE A PRESIDENT THINK LIKE AN ASTRONOMER pulled the covers over his head wanted to help out at an orphan- thing about skydiving in Argen- Pulitzer Prize winner Dr. Lucianne Walkowicz as I sang about our “happy and TIME Magazine editor gives a TEDx Talk on age there and who better to do tina, bungee jumping off bridges Jon Meacham discusses the how to better understand that with than my family. in Australia, or even just walking family.” Finally he threw the American presidency cosmic phenomena Jamie, Beachwood, OH through Rome—before becom- covers off, jumped out of bed, ing broke in college—sounds and many more! stormed into the bathroom quite nice. and slammed the door. Mission Visit AHACSU.COM for more info and tickets. I would go on a road trip with my Tara, Jericho, NY friends. Maybe because I gradu- accomplished! ate this year, it will actually Karen Gillooly is a mother to three come true! boys who lives in Shaker Heights, Haley, Chardon, OH Ohio, and enjoys reading and Jiu Jitsu.

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YT Book Recommendation By the Numbers Mr. Penumbra’s of American 24-Hour Bookstore 56% adults who will be giving  by Robin Sloan a high school or college If you like bookstores, the graduation gift intend to smell of actual books, and quirky, easy-to- give cash. read mystery novels, then Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore might be right up your NATIONAL RETAIL FEDERATION alley. The narrator, Clay Jannon, is an out- PIONEER of-work marketing major living in San Francisco, who stumbles into a bookstore after seeing a help wanted sign in the 44% of moms say A MAGICAL window. But this is no ordinary bookstore what they really want for as the main character quickly comes to Mother’s Day is to spend realize. Filled three stories high with thou- SUMMER. sands of books, this long and narrow store quality time with their has very few customers, and the rare ones family.

There’s something magical that actually do come in are not purchas- PRICEGRABBER about summer. It’s a time for kids ing books. The store is more of a lending library, and the borrowed books are all to explore, discover and reach for encoded. Clay quickly enlists his computer- big goals. That’s the pioneering savvy friends to help him figure out just of fathers say spirit unique to the Western what might be the real purpose behind 78% they spend either more Reserve Academy experience. this strange and mys- terious place. or the same amount of It can be found across dozens of Together with the time with their kids as fun and enriching programs — help of his Google- their own fathers did. from sports to science, academics employed girlfriend, his PEW RESEARCH CENTER to adventure, dance to digital special effects artistic roommate, his child- design, and piano to puppetry. hood best friend who Give your child more than a place creates wildly success- to spend their summer. Give them ful video game soft- 20% of 16- to a place to pioneer it. ware, and Mr. Penumbra 17-year-olds will have a himself, they attempt summer job. to solve a centuries old Learn more and register today mystery. Traveling to New York to gather PEW RESEARCH CENTER at WRA.net/summerprograms more clues, they hatch a plan. But if the secret literary society behind this whole thing has any say, it won’t be solved by using high tech solutions. Filled with some big ideas, unusual characters, and daring scenes, this quick 46% of Americans read will at times make you laugh and also who take a summer make you think. —Ilene Neides vacation will visit a National Park.

STATISTIC BRAIN

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 13

7206_wra_camp17_ytm_8.5x10.875_a.indd 1 3/27/17 9:12 AM PRODUCTS Gift Guide

Jill-e Emma 11” Laptop Bag This close-fitting, cross- MOTHER'S DAY! body laptop/table bag is smart, stylish, and secure. Emma was designed with the Chamilia Dragonfly Charm for Mom 11” MacBook Air, iPad, and The new Chamilia Signature Dragonfly MOM Charm similar devices in mind. It for Mother’s Day 2017 is a solid sterling silver disk comes with a pebbled leather with the word Mom in a light cursive font and a exterior, padded walls and representation of a dragonfly etched on one side interior compartments, and a with Chamilia’s signature millegrain outlining the magnetic buckle messenger circumference. The reverse side features multiple flap that covers the top etched repetitions of the same dragonfly motif and opening. jill-e.com $99.99 Tanzanite Swarovski Crystal. chamilia.com $45

Manduka Damana Life is Good Yoga Bra Women’s Sleep The leader of yoga gear+ Cardigan apparel, Manduka offers the Gift mom some great most sustainable pieces for sleepwear from this your yogi mom. With relaxed positive lifestyle brand support and minimalistic that spreads the power of design, the Damana Bra holds optimism. This super soft you in place without getting in cardigan with a flattering the way of your flow. The back fly away draped opening mesh panel encourages airflow, is 60% Cotton and 40% keeping you cool, calm, and Modal, and the fabric has collected—even in the sweatiest been washed for softness. class. manduka.com $52 lifeisgood.com $48

P Touch Label Maker PT-D210 The label maker is the perfect tool to add a personal touch to any gift, or Cabana Life Zip Up Rash Guard to create great-looking labels for your Our full zip rash guard allows you to quickly home and office. With its convenient and easily cover up, and two convenient one-touch keys, you can quickly access pockets are the perfect size for a room key fonts, symbols, frames, and templates. or credit card. The swim jacket is a vacation Plus, you can preview your work on must-have, ideal for walking, running, the display so that you know exactly paddle boarding, swimming, and how your label will look before you lounging. All Cabana Life print. brotherptouch-usa.com $30 sun protective clothing provides 50+ UV protection. cabanalife.com $82

Top Chef Flash-Frozen Meals Don’t have time to plan and shop for a healthy meal? Get these flash frozen healthy meals delivered to your door, for about the same or less than it costs to shop, prepare, and make it yourself. They're customizable to meet your dietary needs, prepared fresh that day, then frozen and shipped to your doorstep in time for dinner. topchefmeals.com from $6.28

14 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 New Primal Meat Sticks FATHER'S DAY! Packed with almost 10 grams of clean protein and under 100 calories, these flavored meat sticks are a fresh option from the usual high-sugar, high-sodium snacks. They're gluten free, Non- GMO, hormone and antibiotic-free, no added sugar, soy free, Paleo friendly, and made from free-range turkey and 100% grass-fed beef. thenewprimal.com $1.99/per stick Pelican U100 Urban Elite backpack This 16-liter durable ballistic nylon backpack comes with a built- in watertight and crushproof laptop case. It fits laptops up to 17” in its impact-protected front compartment, and it is waterproof tested for 3 ft. underwater for up to 30 minutes. pelican.com $299.95

Silca T-Ratchet +Ti-Torque Tool Kit Ten Thousand Villages Eco- T-Ratchet and Ti-Torque combine to form a powerful force Leather Wallet for good. Avoid damage to your bicycle’s high end carbon This authentic Fair Trade product is components such as seatposts, handlebars, and stems with handcrafted in India and tanned with this highly ergonomic tool. The T-Ratchet uses interchangeable materials derived from sustainable tea magnetic components to convert from screwdriver to ratchet, bark extracts and waxes. The vegetable to ratcheting T-Handle in seconds, and the Ti-Torque is made tanning process was used in India in from Titanium and Aluminum with Hard Steel contact surfaces. ancient times to tan leather. It weighs only 30 grams. silca.cc $98 tenthousandvillages.com $39.99

Body Glove Amphibious Men's Boardshorts The versatile amphibious board- short features a 20" outseam, 360 drawstring waist inside, 1/4 top front pockets and back- welt pockets, a side zip pocket, and zipper fly. It's made of rip stop polystretch and is all mesh lined. bodyglove.com $52

Slumbr Cassiopeia Pillow Filled with the finest quality, long-lasting 100% European goose down, this pillow cradles your head in billowy softness without flattening out. The airy-light Cassiopeia is great for squishy comfort yet remains supportive enough, even for side sleepers. Standard size (20" x 26"), fits standard pillowcases. Slumbr.com $225

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 15 CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2 17

HAWKEN READY

For more information about attending or visiting Hawken, please call 440.423.2955 or go to www.hawken.edu Co-ed Preschool-Grade 12 Gift Guide PRODUCTS

Nutcase the Zone Helmet The Zone is a full-coverage helmet with innovative technology that does not compromise airflow or fit. The easy-to-use, GRADUATION! no-fuss features on this helmet make The Zone a great choice for the on-the-go rider, and its ABS shell will speak to BMXers who need a full-coverage, durable helmet that sits low on the head. nutcasehelmets.com $49.95

Kammok Roo Hammock The Roo Hammock will give you a comfy place to rest wherever you decide to put it. Perfect for parks, backyards, BBQs, patios, and music Margie Edwards festivals. Big enough for two people. Gold Oval Labradorite Necklace kammok.com $99 This necklace features a semi-precious iridescent gray-blue labradorite stone set in a 14kt gold-filled encasement and hanging on a 16” 14kt gold-filled chain with a lobster claw clasp. margieedwards.com $61

CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF Easy-Doks Dok CR33 The Easy-Doks Dok CR33 is a universal 5-device charger that simultaneously charges, docks, cradles, and plays music on any device that uses a USB cable, including smartphones, tablets, watches, MP3 Players, and more. 2 17 The CR33 uses Smart SCD Technology (Smart Current Detection) that adjusts the current flow to ensure proper charging current and amps specific for each device. It also includes a high quality 6 watt Bluetooth Speaker and speaker phone to play music or answer calls hands- free on one device on its high quality speaker system while HAWKEN READY charging. easy-doks.com $79.99

Skinit Phone Case Under Armour Gear (UAG) Make your own customized smartphone Designed to fit the Apple Macbook Pro 13” with skin using the Skinit customizer. Add Retina display, this rugged case has an armor shell your own designs or images to create and impact resistant bumpers, a dual lock secure a skin that reflects your personal screen closure, and cooling vents for uncompromised style. skinit.com from $14.99 air flow. It meets military drop-test standards. For more information about attending or urbanarmorgear.com $79.95 visiting Hawken, please call 440.423.2955 or go to www.hawken.edu Co-ed Preschool-Grade 12 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 17 IN A MINUTE

Photo: Beth Segal The Value of Volunteering ome teenagers see volun- er country. Her three teens realized don’t cuddle kittens all day. teering as simply a gradua- their good fortune through monthly You can help by finding oppor- tion requirement, and some trips to the local homeless shelter tunities where your teenager can parents push it as a college handing out socks, sandwiches, and explore a field in a hands-on capac- resume-builder.S Maybe it’s time to hygiene items. ity, whether that’s education, medi- take a step back and see what the cine, engineering, social work, or one real benefits are. 2. You can explore a career. Another of the numerous other workplaces real-world benefit of volunteering where volunteers are welcome. 1. You can make a difference. Yes, it’s for teenagers? Career exploration, Meanwhile, if your teenager is a cliché, but for millions of Americans which can help teenagers start to only volunteering to impress the col- volunteering really is about a desire think about prospective majors lege admissions office, here’s a tip: to help others in their local com- well before arriving on a college half hearted won’t cut it, so it’s bet- munity—or around the globe. For campus. ter to focus on activities in which these teenagers, volunteer work can Kristin Miller, a college consul- your teenager really is interested. be tremendously rewarding, not to tant in Portland, Oregon, recom- Like any other extracurricular, col- mention eye opening. mends teens focus their volunteer leges don’t especially care what the When Bonnie Nieuwstraten’s son, efforts in an area that interests activity is. They care that your teen- Ben, now age 15, went to Guatemala to them as a potential career to ager was committed to the activi- build wells, he was stunned by avoid wasting time (and mon- ty. “Colleges aren’t that impressed the process villages use to get ey) pursuing a college path that with a few volunteering hours” list- safe, clean drinking water that we isn’t for them. Your teen may think ed on a student’s application, says take for granted. she wants to be a veterinarian, Miller. “Volunteer efforts must have a But, Nieuwstraten emphasizes, for example, until she volunteers at real impact.” —C.E. you don’t have to travel to anoth- an animal shelter and learns you

18 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 The Tall and Short of It When Your Teen Doesn’t Feel They Measure Up

I’m tall for a girl. I spent my teen years being asked if I played volleyball, despite my lack of athleticism, and I wore ballet flats at my wedding. My teen boy, eh, not so much. In a mas- sively unfair irony, he didn’t receive my statuesque build. Of course, teens will always compare themselves to others, be it on looks, intelligence, or athletic talent, notes Sheri Gazitt, parent educator and founder of Teen Wise Seattle. But unlike some traits, there is literally nothing you can do about your height (and many other physical characteristics for that matter). Still, some teenagers struggle with aspects of their physique. “It sometimes happens that teens come to their parents with concerns about their body and how they look. And those concerns can be really specific. They may say ‘I hate my nose. I can’t stand my ears. My lips are too thin,’ explains Lisa Damour, Ph.D., author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. Steer clear of a lecture or invalidating their feelings, say both Damour and Gazitt. “The first thing you want to do when responding to your teen is not critique them for having this anxiety. They come by it honestly and if you respond to them saying, ‘Why are you so superficial’ or ‘What are you talking about? There is nothing wrong with you,’ you are not going to get the conversation off on the right foot,” explains Damour. Instead, validate the concern. “Say, ‘Look, I understand you don’t love the shape of your lips. We all have parts of our body that are not exactly the way we wish they were,’” suggests Damour. Then help put it in perspective. Maybe dad has big ears or grandma is extra petite. Those are the characteristics that make us unique and that loved ones often appreciate the most. “Your teenager will probably not love this response,” adds Damour. “But our job as a parent is to help them keep perspective and it is very hard for teenagers to maintain perspective on things relating to appearance and attraction.” It’s also helpful to hone in on what teenagers do like about themselves, notes Gazzit, from physical appearance to character strengths and skills. “Your goal is for them to appreciate their amazingness.” I can’t speak for the shorter boys, but I can help the tall girls out there. A lifetime avoiding heels? Magical. —Cathie Ericson

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 19 MOVE-OUT SKILLS How to Cook a Meal Your teenager should be able to cook a few simple recipes before leaving home. Many college students move off campus by junior year and, let’s face it, eating healthily (and on a budget) means knowing how to cook for yourself. Hand your teenager these instructions, then help where you’re needed (like a ride to the store) with an eye toward making your involvement unnecessary after your teenager gets some experience. 1. Pick a simple for a pound of apples, don’t just to start your recipe. Make sure dishes and dispose of the trash. write “apples.” You will likely you follow every step! Recipes Wipe the counters and sweep recipe. forget the amount you actually work well when you follow the the floor if necessary. Look for a recipe with a small need by the time you get to the directions, not so well when you number of ingredients (5-6 store. (Tip: keep the recipe on don’t (though once you are com- Ideas for recipes to start with: maximum) that you can make your phone, so you can refer to fortable with a recipe, you may frittata (like a quiche, but easier); with the kitchen equipment it at the store if necessary.) find ways to improve it). simple pasta dishes, like lasagna you have on hand (if it calls for (use store-bought sauce); and a food processor and you don’t basic meals, like baked chicken, have one, move on). Google is 5. Clean Up. 3. Read the mashed potatoes, and a salad. your friend here. If you want to Not only is cleaning up after entire recipe before For more ideas, google “easy make macaroni and cheese, for yourself courteous and appreci- meals to learn how to cook.” example, google “easy macaro- doing anything. ated by others with whom you This helps you know what to ni and cheese.” Another way to live, but a clean kitchen can expect in advance, including cook a meal is to focus on one help prevent foodborne illness. what you should prep before or two ingredients you want Immediately refrigerate any un- starting to cook. For example, to use. For example, if you like eaten food. Any surface or uten- a recipe may say add onions, brown rice, google “easy dishes sil that came into contact with then cook for a minute and add containing brown rice”— you’ll raw meat should be washed garlic and the rest of the spices. get thousands of hits. with hot soapy water. Wash your If you have not prepped the garlic and spices, you 2. Make a will not be able to do so grocery list. in the minute the recipe Check every ingredient in your gives you. recipe. If you don’t have it at home, add it to your list, and 4. Prep head to the store to buy what you need. Make sure you indi- ingredients, cate how much of each ingredi- then cook. ent you’ll need. If a recipe calls Prep your ingredients (cut the vegetables and meat, measure spices and other ingredients, etc.) and set aside. Now you are ready

Photo: Beth Segal 20 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 RECIPE

Looking for dinner ideas at the last minute? The Weeknight Dinner Cookbook by Mary Younkin is the perfect way to get dinner on the table quickly and easily with recipes for tasty main dishes and flavorful side dishes, plus a sprinkling of sweet treats. The recipes in this book are made from scratch, and each chapter conveniently separates them by cook time: CHICKEN CORDON BLEU SLIDERS 15–25 minute meals, 30–45 Serves 6. minute meals, INGREDIENTS: and 5–10 minute ½ lb deli black forest ham, very thinly sliced prep (meals cook on their own in ½ lb Swiss cheese, thinly sliced the slow cooker ½ lb deli chicken breast, very thinly sliced or oven). Chef 12 dinner rolls Mary Younkin has ideas that your Honey Mustard Sauce: ¼ cup mayonnaise whole family will love and 1 ½ tbsp Dijon mustard that you won't 1 ½ tbsp honey have to spend 1 tsp fresh lemon juice hours preparing. Whatever the Pinch of kosher salt occasion, there DIRECTIONS: is a recipe here to help you get a fresh, great- 1. Preheat the oven to 400ºF. tasting meal on the table in no time. Each entrée provides notes for side dishes as well as tips for 2. Slice the dinner rolls in half, and place them cut side up adapting the recipe. Many recipes are gluten- on a large baking tray. free or suggest gluten-free substitutions. 3. Whisk together the sauce ingredients and spread about One of her own kids' favorites from the 1 tsp of sauce on each half. cookbook is this recipe for an easy meal that you can eat with your hands—no utensils 4. Place a slice of ham, draped and folded into a pile, on required! Chef Mary says: “Classic chicken one half of each roll. Place a half slice of cheese over the cordon bleu ingredients meet a handheld ham. Layer a slice of chicken, again draped and folded meal that only takes a few minutes to prepare. into a pile, over the cheese. Place the second half slice These sliders are stacked with chicken, ham, and of cheese over the chicken. Divide any remaining cheese cheese, and a creamy honey mustard sauce ties between the rolls and place the top roll over each slider. it all together. The first time I made these sliders, 5. Bake the sliders for 5 to 6 minutes, until the cheese my kids immediately gave them two thumbs up has melted. Remove from the oven, and serve with extra and asked when we could have them again. I like honey mustard sauce, if desired. to serve these sliders with Mixed Green Salad Cook’s Note: When purchasing my meat in the deli, I ask for with Oranges and Cranberries.” the meat to be sliced thin enough to fold, but not shaved and falling apart. In my experience, this is a “0.5” setting in most delis. I like the cheese in this recipe to be slightly thicker than the meat, at a “1” setting in most delis.

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 21 IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Q&A ...with Raúl De Molina Raúl De Molina is a multiple Emmy award-winning co-host of the Univision entertainment news show El Gordo y la Flaca. When he's not on camera, he's trying to keep up with his 16-year-old daughter, Mia. We sat down with De Molina to hear about the trials and triumphs of raising a teenager.

What are some of the cert. And I always wait up until she Do you try to raise your daughter challenges of having an comes home. Miami is one of the most similarly to how your parents independent 16-year-old beautiful cities in the United States raised you? daughter? and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I grew up with my mother alone. My Mia is 16, and like many kids her age, I mean, I love this city. But it is diffi- father was put into prison by Fidel all she wants to do is drive around. She cult to raise a kid here. It’s completely Castro when I was born. I never got to is always asking to take the car, say- different than anywhere else. see him until I was in my 30s. My wife ing she needs to drive. She goes out all and I try to spend as much time as we the time with her friends on the week- Does she want to be on camera can with our daughter. On Fridays end, until 11:00 p.m. She’s also gotten like you? and Saturdays, she mostly goes out a few tickets. So this is really difficult She did a show on Univision and it with her friends. She goes out a lot for me. I wait up to see when Mia is went very well. Her first paying job and travels a lot. But Sunday is family going to come home. She is out too was in Italy, and she loved that. She day. Sunday she spends here with us. late, and I call, and she tells me all the did five or six episodes. If Mia were to things that are going on and that she’s do a show, she would like to do a real- What is the hardest part about at her friend’s house and on her way ity TV show with her friends. But she raising a teenager? home now, and I say, “Mia, I am taking doesn’t really love to be on TV. And They think they know more than you. the car away next week.” now she thinks she wants to go to Whatever you think, it isn’t that way, business school. it’s this way. It is either their way or Do you have a curfew? no way. They know more than me, We have an 11:00 p.m. curfew unless my wife, their grandmother and all she has a special occasion like a con- that. So that is very difficult. n

22 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 BOOK REVIEW

Armada by Ernest Cline

PARENT REVIEW By Sarah Pinneo In the first scene of Armada by Ernest Cline, the teenage protagonist looks out the window at school and sees a spaceship fly past. As if that weren't crazy enough, he recognizes the ship from a video game he plays daily with his friends. The premise is straight out of any teen’s day- dream. Then the plot gets more exciting. The next TEEN REVIEW spacecraft to buzz the high school has come for him. By Jackson Lake And there are those odd journals in the attic in which his deceased father spun a conspiracy theory I enjoyed Ernest Cline’s Armada for a number of reasons. First of all, ev- that never seemed possible until now... eryone can relate to the main character, Zach Lightman, as he is simply a Ernest Cline is that rare author whose dysto- regular teenager who enjoys playing video games and likes talking about pian sci-fi has crossed over to audiences who don’t movies and comics with his friends, Cruz and Diehl. usually read sci-fi. The author succeeds because his Zach is not particularly intelligent or sociable, he doesn’t have some two hits—Armada and Ready Player One—both sort of special ability, and his only talent is that he is incredibly good function on two levels. Fans of any age will enjoy at video games. If you like science fiction movies or video games you the plot-driven stories. But the settings are also will enjoy this book. Cline mentions Star Wars, Star Trek, and Space drenched in 1980s culture. You can read them ei- Invaders and other movie and video games from the 80’s. ther for the thrills, or for the nostalgia of happen- But whether you like sci-fi or not, this book has a great plot. The ing upon a reference to a video game you played at story draws you in as Zach reads from his deceased father’s notebook. Pizza Hut in 1984. In the notebook, Zach finds his father’s conspiracy theory and evi- In other words, Armada may have been de- dence of the government’s long-term plan to use video games to train the signed in a laboratory to become the perfect par- citizens of planet Earth against an oncoming alien invasion. ent-child read, artfully spanning the generation gap. That plot line flourishes into a thrilling adventure with gripping Since video games—and our kids’ overreliance on twists. Also, the manner in which the story is told is often quite hilari- them for entertainment and social interaction—are ous, and the humor is a great addition to the surprise-laden science fic- often discussed at home, why not share this uplift- tion plot. ing adventure tale of video games gone wild? Throughout the book, Zach must overcome problems of his own. Armada doesn’t merely worship video games, He has anger management issues, and school is often a challenge for it has a lot to say about the current state of the him. He wishes that his life were more like the fantasy and sci-fi movies world. Touching on themes of family, loyalty, trust, he watches. Cline does a great job portraying how Zach deals with his and secrets, the book is at its best when covering problems and showing Zach’s emotions as his life dramatically changes. that most unfortunate human impulse: violence. Although Cline uses the common plotline of an alien invasion, he Before the book is over, our young hero will have to turns it into a much different and more interesting story. Zach, who has convince his elders that only through selflessness already seen and read classic alien invasion movies and novels such and the mitigation of violence can civilization sur- as Ender’s Game, believes that his experience with an alien invasion will vive. And when the hard-won happy ending eventu- be similar. I found it interesting to see how Cline depicts an alien inva- ally comes, it is not without great sacrifice. sion differently from other books, and to watch how Zach handles a real It’s the best possible message for a book which alien invasion. celebrates video games, short of asking its read- Armada was a very worthwhile read. I enjoyed everything from the er fans to put down the controller and actually characters in the story to the incredibly entertaining plot line. I suggest go outside. this book to everyone, whether you like sci-fi or not.

Sarah Pinneo is a novelist and food writer in Hanover Jackson Lake is an 8th grader, a soccer player, and a guitar player for a rock band New Hampshire. called Radium.

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 23 NOW OPEN

Discover the stories of the Most Incredible Creatures on Earth

Explore the diverse and sometimes jaw-dropping strategies animals and plants employ to find food, fend off predators, reproduce and thrive in habitats many would find lethal. TICKETS AND INFORMATION AT CMNH.ORG

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Discover the stories of the Most Incredible Creatures on Earth Photo: Laura Dempsey Summer is the Time for Exploration Explore the diverse and By Diana Simeon sometimes jaw-dropping strategies animals and For many teenagers, it’s hard to find time during the school year to do anything but, well, school. plants employ to find food, Between homework, sports, and other school-related extracurriculars, teenagers rarely get to bed at a reasonable hour, much less have time to spend pursuing outside interests. fend off predators, reproduce Yet this kind of exploration can help teen- “I wouldn’t be here studying forest science educator for CMNH. “There and thrive in habitats many agers figure out who they are and, per- sciences if I didn’t spend so much time was so much to see, to learn about, would find lethal. haps more importantly, who they might with the museum going out and study- and to explore,” she recalls. want to become. ing the natural areas in Ohio,” he says. “I This summer, Swanson will That makes summer special. Because just had so much fun in those programs take a group of Cleveland-area high TICKETS AND INFORMATION teenagers actually have time on their that I had to keep going in the field.” school students on a week-long, hands, it’s an opportune time to explore back-country hiking trip in the AT CMNH.ORG an interest, even if just for a few weeks. David Pashinsky discovered that Who Am I? over many summers with the Cleveland While the school year is about learning, it’s Museum of Natural History. “Around 5th often in a summer experience that teenag- grade, I started participating in their out- ers will learn the most about who they are. door education program, and I just stuck “I came to be interested in natu- with that program all the way through ral history through camp experiences, high school,” he says. Those experienc- especially with back-country trips in Brought to you by the Cleveland es—which included week-long trips to middle school and high school,” ex- Museum of Natural History, where the Adirondacks and other natural ar- plains Julia Swanson, who studied geo- discovery starts with you. Learn more eas of the northeastern United States— logical sciences as an undergraduate at at cmnh.org. led Pashinsky to the University of British Northwestern University and is today Columbia, where he’s now a freshman. an outdoor education coordinator and

Amazing Species: Life at the Limits is organized by the American Museum of Natural History, New York (amnh.org) YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 25 DID YOU KNOW? HOW TO HELP Adirondack Mountains as Some motivated teenagers will seek out to Raise an Adult. “She once told me: ‘We shouldn’t try to create a spark of interest part of CMNH’s Future opportunities without their parents’ help. But many (if not most) could use a nudge or for our kids, but when we see it in them, we Scientists program. two. Here are three ways parents can help: should do all we can to nurture and develop High-school junior that interest further.’” Emily Broussard will be ENCOURAGE BRAINSTORMING. “I rec- among those students. It will ommend that students make a list of the CANVAS THE COMMUNITY. Parents can mark her fourth summer as a things during the school year, where they also help by canvassing what the communi- Future Scientist. said, ‘I wish I could do that, but I don’t have ty offers. (Many teenagers won’t have time “I started the summer time,’” says Sara Lindberg, a longtime mid- to do this during the school year.) Chances I was going into freshman dle and high school counselor at Washing- are you’ll discover opportunities that over- year,” says Broussard. “I was ton’s Central Kitsap School District. “Then lap with your teenager’s list of ideas. Mu- interested because I liked hik- pick a few things off of that list.” seums and other educational institutions— ing and being outside and the like your local community college—can be a tie to science—the natural LOOK FOR THE SPARK. You may find his- great place to start. sciences specifically.” tory fascinating, but if your teenager would For example, at the Cleveland Museum And, like Swanson and rather spend the summer programming of Natural History, where Pashinsky spent Pashinksy’s excursions, computers, then go with that. In other words, summers, teenagers can explore fly-fishing, Broussard’s summer expe- the activity should be something that your rockets, and even forensic science. The latter riences have got her think- teenager has an authentic interest in. is in a program called Junior Medical Camp. ing about opportunities for Explains Lindberg: “If the ‘interest’ is “It’s set up to run like an episode of her own life. “It’s helped me something manufactured by a parent, a ‘House’,” explains Mary Rouse, manager think about the way I view the teen is not going to see the value or learn of public programs for the museum. “High world and what I want to do from that experience—and consequently, school students spend a week solving a may never try it again.” medical mystery. The whole goal of it is to in life.” n Lindberg adds that the best advice she give hands-on experiences and ideas of gives parents actually came from Julie what you can do with a career in medicine, Lythcott-Haims, author of the book How which is not just becoming a doctor.”

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26 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 SAY SPRING FORUM Navigating Adolescence in an Ever-Changing World

Topics Discussed

• Developmental tasks for

youth that occur as part of the transition from childhood to adulthood

• Environmental factors that contribute to the development of youth across generations

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For Information: Chris Ruma-Cullen, LISW-S, CDCA Director of SAY

216.320.8203 [email protected] SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are offered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayfield, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst. FAMILY MATTERS

Picky

Eaters Photo: Beth Segal

Last year, my daughter My favorite food is rice. Plain had the experience of a lifetime when starch is a perfect meal. For each she went to Paris in the spring. Naturally, I school field trip I take, I have was incredibly nervous about letting a to choose from the long list of high school sophomore fly halfway repulsive foods to list under the across the globe without me. All of the column of allergies, which is code traditional travel-related worries came to mind, but for “disgusting.” what I really feared was that she might starve to death. Sometimes I want to take the leap to try new You read that right. The kid is a maddeningly, things, but that can be risky. For some unknown stubbornly, mind-bogglingly picky eater, and I knew reason, people like to put onions in everything. that she wouldn’t be open to trying new foods during Picky eaters can’t win. I get weird looks for her two-week adventure. In the culinary capital of the asking for half the ingredients to be left off world. a meal, weird looks for picking around the undesired items, and weird looks for not eating I have very little patience for pickiness. When a child I what’s on the plate. It’s tiring being berated for carried and nurtured turns up her nose at the delicious not expanding my palate, but I can’t figure out food I have lovingly prepared for her, I’m filled with why my parents don’t just choose restaurants a burning rage. The girl is brave enough to jet off to and foods they know I like. France, but she’s too afraid to eat anything other than white rice and sauceless chicken. If she suffered Non-picky eaters don’t get it. Think of from some kind of food allergy, I would be more something that tastes awful to you, and try understanding. But she is just being stubbornly picky. having it served to you at every single meal. Now watch everybody get mad at you for not I was scared to unleash an entitled American with a eating it with a smile. choosy palate overseas, but thankfully she was able to eat her fill in Paris. She discovered a love for plain If you ever actually find yourself in this baguettes. Mademoiselle has no taste in food. situation, I have a tip: Ask for a side of rice.

Kathleen Osborne is a marketer and a Molly Gleydura is a high school junior and an mother to Patrick, Molly, and Annie Gleydura. aspiring athlete.

28 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 Picky Eaters: ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT

Many of our taste (3) not forcing; and (4) eating seasonings, and sauces—e.g. some preferences are meals together as a family without vegetables are boring and bland programmed early distractions like TV and phones. when steamed, but rich and sweet in life so that by the when roasted with a little olive time we become Teens: Try to embrace the idea that oil and salt. Experiment with raw teenagers, it may be foods contain essential nutrients versus cooked, like raw apple slices difficult to reprogram. But barring for optimal health and well-being. versus homemade applesauce. early childhood trauma around Eating a balance of foods from The key is to relax and not make a eating (such as a severe food every food group makes you feel big deal about it, so long as your allergy, the need for tube-feeding, great—physically, emotionally, and teen is growing the way he or she is swallowing difficulty, sensory mentally. Agree with your parents expected to grow. Plan meals and disorder, etc.) or a problem called to taste small portions every time dishes to include the few healthy “selective eating disorder” (which they’re offered. Since we tend to like foods he or she eats as often as is adult picky eating), taste and foods we’re familiar with, we need to possible, and accept your teen texture preferences can change. try them many times to get used to the way he or she is. Definitely do different textures and tastes. not use food as a bribe, threat, It’s important to normalize eating punishment, or reward. nutritious foods. Parents can do Parents: Ask your teen for input this by (1) serving them as part of when experimenting with different Janet Kramer, MPH, RDN, LD, is a a balanced meal; (2) setting a good recipes that vary cooking clinical dietitian at Rainbow Babies and Children’s Hospital, Cleveland. example by eating them yourself; methods, forms of the food,

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 29 Sibling Rivalry You Will Survive It

Parent have the peace and joy in our home re- do things that I might not agree with. stored for the sake of all. Doing her sister’s chores that night was By Elisa Torres Both sisters are singers, and ironi- not what I considered the best choice, cally, we were in the middle of produc- but I stayed quiet. A few minutes lat- I could feel the heavy ing an album celebrating the connection er, Naomi came out. She stood in the energy in the air as between parents and children. This con- kitchen, turned a full circle observing the girls purposefully flict had come during a week of many all, then came to me with a kiss and a ignored one another scheduled events: high school play prac- sweet “Thank you, Momma!” at every opportunity. tices until 9:00 p.m. each night, choir re- I kissed her back and said, “Don’t Their rivalry isn’t cital, music production meetings in the thank me, thank your sister. She did loud. It’s the silence home, studio recording sessions, even your chores.” They talked, and she did that signifies there is serving the homeless in the local soup thank her sister, but the best part of the tension between these two normally kitchen. Everyone had a full plate, and conflict was hearing her explain why fun-loving sisters. And today that ten- evidently our collective plates had over- she felt that the chore load was unfair sion was visible. It was visible in the flowed in the kitchen that evening. that particular week. It actually made pursed lips and clenched jaw of the el- When they were younger, I would sense once she articulated it for us. She dest and in the tears coursing down the assign them certain “Togetherness was overwhelmed with school activities cheeks of the youngest. Briana had Chores” so that they might work side- and felt the need for her home time to asked why the kitchen chores weren’t by-side on a common goal until their be restful. It helped me to realize that, finished. Naomi bit out something that emotions settled down. Usually those even though they are becoming adults, included the words “…and it’s not chores ended with both of them gig- I sometimes need to be more cognizant fair!” and went to her room and closed gling and making plans for playtime af- of the areas where they are still “kids” the door firmly. I watched them avoid terwards. Togetherness Chores do not and I need to intervene on their behalf. conversation and interaction for an seem to work anymore. On this day, I hour. I was tempted to intervene and asked Briana to resolve it herself. Elisa Torres is a single mom, former home- schooler, writer, singer/songwriter, and life try to help them solve the disagree- Instead of talking it out with her coach. Tune in to her twice-weekly CoffeeChat ment, but I also wanted them to resolve sister, she decided to clean the kitchen on Facebook or follow her on Facebook at One this conflict on their own. It was a di- herself. In the interest of allowing her to More AMAZING Day. lemma because I felt a deep need to find her own way in life, I often let her

30 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 MODERN FAMILY

Teen

By Bree Torres

Two weeks ago, we sat We are all very busy, but what can I do when you’ve just had enough already. down as a family and, when no one else helps? Sometimes I find Tread carefully, says parenting expert once again, tried to fig- myself not doing my own chores to say, Amy Speidel. “I hear a lot from parents ure out what to do “See? I can do that too!” that an older child is coming in as an about the mess in our On this particular night, my sister agitator and needling the other child home. We are students, came and thanked me for helping her. I until that other child has a meltdown. artists, and singer/ looked at her and said, “I didn’t help you. And our inclination is to come in and songwriters, and our home is also our pro- I did your chores myself.” SOS. I could say, ‘All he wants is to look up to you duction studio and practice place. With all use some help with this! and have him be your friend and then the comings and goings of us and others you treat him like that.’ In that dynam- in our lives, the house seems perpetually Bree Torres is a singer, song writer, barista, big ic, we are sainting one child and de- sister and valiant contender to be mom's favor- cluttered. Coffee cups and music sheets ite child. monizing the other.” usually adorn the end tables, and pots Instead, says Speidel, ask that sib- from last night’s dinner still sit on the ling to take a break. “You can say, ‘It stove. The living room shows signs of life doesn’t sound like the way you are re- as well: scattered throw blankets, game sponding is how our family is. So, take boards, and empty popcorn bowls. Expert a break and come back and be the per- Although to the casual observer, son that you know how to be and that this may not look like much, it’s a con- honors our family.’” stant source of tension. Between work- Bickering. Yelling. Whines of “It’s not ing, school, the album, choir, plays, and fair.” Tattling. Sibling rivalry can (seri- 3. TAKING SIDES HURTS everything else that goes on, there never ously) annoy even the most even-keeled MORE THAN PARENTS MAY seems to be enough time set aside to clean parents. We asked some of our favorite ex- REALIZE. In fact, it can make a teen- up the house. perts how parents can help. ager feel like he’s been kicked off the There we were, one week after try- family team—a situation that makes ing to set down rules as to who cleans 1. LESS IS MORE. When it comes to sibling rivalry worse, not better. “Most the kitchen on specific nights. I’d come sibling rivalry, many parents wonder how sibling rivalry is about children want- home from class to a messy kitchen and much to intervene. “As little as human- ing to feel special. Teenagers are no dif- a frustrated mom because, once again, ly possible,” says Dr. Michael Bradley— ferent,” explains Joy Hartman, a family the chores hadn’t been done. I angrily author of When Things Get Crazy With therapist near Milwaukee, Wisconsin. went to my sister’s room and asked why Your Teen: The Why, the How, and “They want to feel special and loved as she hadn’t done them, as it was her night What to Do NOW. “It’s tremendously they face the pressures of the outside to clean up. She yelled something about hard, but this is normal, natural, and world. Family is the place to relax and having too much to do and slammed important for kids to go through. The be themselves—the place to belong her bedroom door shut. So I cleaned the more parents step in, the worse it gets. and be loved. Teenagers are develop- kitchen myself. Parents can do more damage when they ing their own identities and interests, This is just one instance of sibling ri- try to decide guilt without knowing all of often with a hint rebellion or defiance. valry in the house. From the old days of the information. Say, you hear an explo- As difficult as it seems some days, of- arguing over who gets to play with dolls, sion. You weren’t there. You don’t know fering your teen unconditional love— to not speaking because one of us messed who did what to whom. And even if you and treating them as a valuable team up the plan to keep the house in order, were there for the explosion, you’re still member—will give them a lifetime of there’s always something to fight about. only seeing the end product. Maybe to- knowing they belong somewhere.” More often than not, I settle the disputes day’s “victim” was actually yesterday’s This sense of belonging can also by doing the chore that needs to be done villain. You don’t know, and that’s why help tone down the rivalry. Notes or just walking away from the argument. you’ve got to shrug your shoulders and Hartman: “Teens who feel a part of On the rare occasion my sister cleans up, say, “Sorry I wasn’t there. You have to something bigger than themselves she says, “See. I do clean the kitchen!” work it out.” have what it takes to manage the com- Yes, she does. Sure, that one time three plicated emotions behind rivalry with months ago. 2. IF YOU MUST INTERVENE, their siblings as they venture into the All rivalry aside, we usually do get DON’T TAKE SIDES. Let’s face it, world.”—D.S. along. Just not when it’s about responsi- it can be hard — sometimes impossible bility and follow through. When we fight, — not to intervene, especially when it neither of us respects the other person seems like one sibling is always the ag- enough to listen. gressor. And especially on those days

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 31 32 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 Parenting After Divorce Strategies to Strengthen the New Family

By Cathie Ericson As parents, the last thing we want to do is hurt our children, but sometimes our own relationships crumble, and the fallout can be rough.

While divorce is hard Don’t fall into the trap finding a class or therapist on kids of any age, teenag- of believing teens are more who can help. Working as ers may suffer more than grown-up than their young- a team is critical for your their younger siblings dur- er siblings and thus deserve teen’s success and happi- ing a divorce, says Christine more information about ness, notes DeSilva. Leatherberry, an attorney the divorce, warns Erica with Connatser Family Law Wollerman, a licensed clini- Consistency in Dallas who has helped cal psychologist and owner many families through the of Thrive Therapy Studio in Is Key process. “Parents are more San Diego. Your teenager Teens are notoriously up and likely to unload their prob- doesn’t need details about down, and one element of lems on their teens and lean affairs or other bad behav- their lives that provides stabil- on them during the divorce, ior nor does your teenager ity is their home. Even though compared with a younger want to hear all the ways that will be changing in some child,” she says. you believe your divorce is ways, it’s up to the parents to As hard as it may be, your ex’s fault. Remember, keep it as consistent as pos- and as much as you may be that ex is still your teenag- sible. Here are three ways ex- hurting, you must remem- er’s parent. perts say parents can work to ber that your teen is hurting, Wollerman recommends achieve that: too—and depending on you that parents use straight- for help. Here are some ways forward language like, "We 1. CREATE TWO REAL to help your family deal— have tried really hard to HOMES. and, hopefully, heal. make our marriage work, You want both places your and unfortunately, we think teenager will be living to feel Proceed with it might be best for us to sep- like home. While there is no arate." Then, emphasize that need to create replicas of Caution you love the teen, this is not your child’s original room, Honest communication is her fault, and you all will be let him “own” some individ- best for teens, but that doesn’t working through the situa- ual space in each household, mean you should air your tion together. says DeSilva. If you’re able to dirty laundry—no matter Your kids will never for- reasonably duplicate items how tempting that might be, get how you handled your- that he otherwise would be says Gayani DeSilva, M.D., self during this time, says taking from place to place, adolescent psychiatrist and Leatherberry, so approach it do it. It’s smart to make it author of A Psychiatrist's from a thoughtful perspective. as easy as possible with the Guide: Helping Parents Reach Co-parenting effective- least amount of packing and Their Depressed Tween. ly can be tricky, so consider transporting. Of course, you

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 33 PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE

Four Commandments for Divorced Parents

Professionals see the same mistakes over and over—so here’s your cheat sheet to avoid becoming “those parents.” Thou shalt not try to one-up each other with material gifts ❶and permissiveness. “Parents need to continue to parent their teens together, and support each other’s parenting goals,” says DeSilva. Don’t fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad,” in contrast to a mom-who-makes-them-study-and-eat- vegetables, and don’t allow your child to miss school or stay out later when you’re in charge.

Thou shalt not say anything don’t need two complete ward- says Asquith. “Listen to what negative towards or about the robes, but try to have the basics they're saying about preferred ❷other parent. stored at each house. schedules, and think about tak- “Teens will be protective of the parent they ing it into consideration, or at see as the underdog, so do not feed into this 2. ADOPT SIMILAR RULES the least finding a compromise dynamic by playing either victim or victor,” says AND ROUTINES. so they feel heard.” DeSilva. Parents should strive to be on And remember, even if the same page about what is al- you’re no longer husband and Thou shalt tread lightly when lowed and what isn’t, from cur- wife, you’re still Mom and Dad. dating. few to dating to social media “If the teen is with one parent ❸As time progresses, parents are going to rules. Try to avoid being in a sit- and wants to talk to or see the want to move on from the marriage, Wollerman uation where your teen can play other parent, it is best to facilitate points out. "While this is understandable, keep one parent against another. that, if possible,” says Wollerman. in mind your teen might not be ready to see “The more the message is you moving on.” She recommends avoiding the same at both homes, the discussions about your dating life until you are easier it will be for all of you,” Be Patient serious with someone. “Then gauge how much says Erin Asquith, LCSW, a The circumstances of each di- you share based on how your teen is coping clinical social worker and ther- vorce are different, and the way with the divorce.” And before you introduce a apist in Woodcliff Lake, NJ. each teen internalizes them will significant other, discuss it with your teen and “Otherwise, you fall into the be different. “Divorce is a life see how open she is to the idea. It’s likely to go ‘Well, at Dad's house I can have moment that’s likely going to be badly if you push her into it, she says. my phone all night,’ or ‘Mom devastating to a child or teen,” lets me have friends over when- Leatherberry says. Thou shalt not use your teen as ever I want,’ type of manipula- “Some teenagers’ reaction a counselor. tive conversation.” may be to shut down and not ❹ It’s inappropriate to share too many If you have trouble agree- speak about it,” warns DeSilva. details or unload your angst on your teen. ing on these rules and routines, Other teens may become more de- Wollerman encourages both parents to set consider meeting with a thera- fiant and secretive, or may spend boundaries about what they talk about because pist who can help you get on the more time with their friends. teens are very influenced by their parents same page. Most will need extra atten- sharing how difficult it is for them—especially if tion and room to express their one parent is struggling more. 3. WORK ON THE feelings, expectations, and strug- “Teens have enough drama in their lives SCHEDULE WITH YOUR gles. Therapy is often an ideal and don’t need the added stress of dealing with TEENAGER. way for them to have a safe, neu- yours,” Leatherberry says. “Rely on a friend or While parents will make the tral place to explore their feelings, hire a professional to help you deal with the ultimate decisions, allow your she says. stress of divorce.” teen to have ownership over as “Parents are not in a good much of the process as possible, state of mind to counsel their

34 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 own children, nor are they neutral Some red flags: Remember that your teen parties,” Leatherberry says. won’t be this age forever, notes You also should communicate ## Grades beginning to suffer Leatherberry. “The goal is for your frequently with the school, includ- relationship with your teen and ing teachers, counselors, and coach- ## Missing out on extracurricu- your teen’s relationship with both es. You need a team to keep an eye lar activities and practices (sports, parents to evolve in a healthy man- out for warning signs that your teen dance team, choir, band, etc.) ner over the long term,” she says. n is having a tough time, and behavior at school can be a big tip-off, ## Acting out, getting into trouble, Leatherberry says. tardiness, picking fights with others

## Excessive visits to the school nurse or pretending to be sick to get out of class

## Approaching the school counselor on their own (be sure your counselor keeps you in the know)

One Big Happy Family? The Brady Bunch only exists in TV land. In reality, bumpy, so brace for impact,” says Erin Asquith, LCSW, combining two families can be incredibly tricky. of Verus Therapy in Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey. “Roles When single parents get serious in a relationship, shift once you go from dad’s fun girlfriend to step-mom they might be feeling the crush of new love and the who now will discipline.” excitement of building a new life together. The kids Here are three steps to help ease the transition. who are involved (his/hers/ours) may not share their euphoria. DEVELOP A PLAN. “It can take ample time for blended families to First, you and your partner need to get on the same get into a flow that really works. The beginning can be page. “It’s important for new partners to sit down and

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 35 PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE

discuss their values and what they want to teach with- Share the house rules and then stick with them, says in the new home they’re establishing,” says Asquith. Asquith. “Consistency is the name of the game, always.” Once you’ve settled on a set of principles, invite in- Remember though, that no matter how hard you try, put from all the kids. Share the principles in a family creating equality is always challenging and almost not meeting, so everybody is in the know. But be sure to achievable, even for non-blended families. “Get ready use the meeting as a springboard to let your kids share for your kids to tell you that things aren’t fair, but do the what they need. best you can,” she says. While you’re at it, discuss new rituals and ways for the family to bond. How does it look each time they re- HELP BUILD RELATIONSHIPS turn or come back to your new blended home? Do you BETWEEN STEPSIBLINGS. eat dinner together? What does the nighttime routine Remember that your teen has always held a certain look like? And, while you’re creating time for the en- “role” in the family dynamic, and this can shift as more tire family to be together, you also want to remember kids join the fold. Maybe your daughter was the baby of to carve out opportunities for the “original” family to your family, but now she’s the middle child and almost spend time as they used to before the transition. unwittingly, the expectations of her change. Keep that dialogue open and resist the urge to try EMPHASIZE EQUALITY. to make them automatically become BFFs with the It’s imperative that you and your new partner have the other kids. Those relationships will be built over time. same expectations for your biological and non-biolog- Above all, at the core you’re still a parent, putting ical kids. This includes chores, the rules you set (such as your family first, points out Asquith. Parents are going curfew), and the financial obligations they have (such to have hiccups and successes along the way, no mat- as whether they pay their own cellphone bill or pay for ter what the family looks like. n activities with friends). BROADWAY SUMMER CAMP with An American in Paris JUNE 26-30 A musical theater camp unlike any other for teens (14-19) who love to act, dance and sing. Includes master classes with Broadway professionals and a ticket to An American in Paris!

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My daughter watched online pornography Behavior, found that more than 90% of boys when she was just 12 years old. She and her and 60% of girls were exposed to pornog- friend were curious about some of the terms raphy before the age of 18. And that was in they’d been learning in health class. They went 2008, before most adolescents had a smart- to Google—and well, you can guess what phone in their pocket. happened next. So, what’s a parent to do? For starters, young- I was shocked when my daughter told me what er adolescents should be prevented from ac- she’d seen. I knew online pornography existed, cessing pornography as much as possible. You of course, but until then I didn’t really get just can help by adding a filter that blocks explicit how easy it was for my daughter to access it. content to your home Wi-Fi network (google parental controls). Over the years, I’ve heard similar stories from many parents. In fact, a 2008 study by re- If you believe a younger adolescent has searchers at the University of New Hampshire, viewed, tried to view, or is even curious about published in the journal CyberPsychology and pornography, talk about it.

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 39 CROSSROADS

“Rather than frame it termined. Instead, experts ers pornography, say both er teenager, not to watch as, ‘I don’t want you to say, parents should focus Smiler and Schroeder. pornography doesn’t work. watch porn,’ it should on preparing teenagers to “It disempowers,” says be, ‘Here’s what you have healthy sexual lives— It can be helpful to think Schroeder. “And when- need to know,’” explains and relationships—in a about these conversations ever you tell a kid not to Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD, world that includes easy broadly as: What do I want do something, that’s what MSW, a sexuality educa- access to pornography. to teach my child about be- they want to do.” tor and co-founding edi- Here’s how to get started. ing in a relationship? Sex is tor of American Journal of a part of that, but not all of There are many reasons Sexuality Education. “It’s it. What you talk about de- for not watching pornog- making them an educated 1. Don’t let pends on your child’s age, raphy that parents can talk consumer. ‘I don’t think you pornography explains Smiler. Early on, it about with teenagers. Chief should be watching porn, may be more, “What does it among them: It gives all the and here are the reasons.’” teach mean to be someone’s boy- wrong ideas about sex. your friend or girlfriend? What What younger adolescents teenager are the expectations?” he ex- Says Smiler: “The story should know is that explains. “This then becomes lines, if you will, and the plicit content is not appro- about sex. some of the groundwork for set of bodies that show up priate (or healthy) at this Few parents relish the later conversations.” Those on screen are pretty nar- age, that it is for grown ups idea of talking about sex later conversations should row. All the guys are well only, and that your adoles- with their teenager. But include specifics about cut. All the women have a cent’s responsible use of if you don’t do it, some- sex, like the fundamentals particular body shape. No his device does not include one or something else will. of safe sex, but also what one has body hair.” accessing such material. And for boys in particular, it means to be in a healthy, there’s a good chance the consensual sexual relation- There is also little-to-no “A child in middle school something will be pornog- ship (which is not what your verbal consent in pornog- is a concrete thinker,” says raphy. “A lot of boys say adolescent will learn from raphy; much of it is de- Schroeder. “Adults can look they started watching porn pornography). meaning to women (and at it and see it as a fantasy, because they wanted to it can also be violent and but kids don’t know that. learn about sex,” explains disturbing); everyone is They see body parts. Huge Andrew Smiler, Ph.D., a 2. Talk about always “in the mood”; and penises. Ridiculously huge psychologist and author of pornography. it’s mostly a straight, male breasts, and so what they are Dating & Sex: A Guide for Parents who have these perspective on sex. “It’s getting from pornography is the 21st Century Teen Boy. kinds of ongoing, wide- this one narrow version information versus under- ranging conversations of sexuality and how it is standing it as a fantasy.” In general, boys are more about sex will have an eas- supposed to look,” says likely to seek out pornog- ier time talking about por- Smiler. In other words, if As teenagers get older— raphy than girls. The UNH nography. And you should pornography is how your and more sexually ma- study found that 42 per- be talking about pornog- adolescent is learning ture—the conversations cent of the girls who had raphy by middle school, about sex, it’s not a great must be different, however. seen pornography had not which is when many ado- basis for developing a mu- It’s not that all teenagers sought it out, while only lescents will first encoun- tually pleasurable sex life will watch pornography, 6.2 percent of boys who’d ter it. Have you seen it? with a partner. but as the UNH study sug- watched pornography had Do your friends watch it? gests, many do. They may done so inadvertently. Why do they watch it? The The jury is still out on search for it out out of cu- goal is not to shame, but whether viewing por- riosity; they may feel pres- Still, this is an important rather to talk about what nography during adoles- sured by peers to watch it; conversation for both gen- pornography is and why cence causes long-term or (cover your ears) they ders. And if you want your you don’t believe your issues. Studies that ex- may enjoy it. And like hav- teenager to learn your val- teenager should watch it. pose minors to pornogra- ing sex, there’s not a lot ues, then you need to be phy would be unethical, you can do to prevent it if talking about sex well be- Again, simply telling a explains Schroeder, so it your older teenager is de- fore your teenager discov- teenager, especially an old- may be some time before

40 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 we know what this gener- er teenagers. “You might child,” says Smiler. “If this discovered it on the com- ation’s easy access to por- also ask, ‘Are you going to is something that he has puter or phone, then say nography means (versus be disappointed by your been doing and enjoys and you want to talk about the old days, when dad’s partner’s actual body?’ We you freak out in front of what you found. Playboy or your parent’s know that the idealized him, you are losing some Joy of Sex was about as form you see in pornog- cred. ‘Mom or dad freaked “It’s going to be a hard con- racy as it got). raphy is a minority of the out the way I always knew versation at that point,” bodies out there.” they were going to, and says Smiler. “You might “Boys who are watching a now I am going to have to just start by asking why lot of porn and have very sit here and endure this they are looking at por- little direct experience of 3. Don’t freak conversation.’” nography and what they their own learn that sex out. like about it.” Then calmly should look this one par- So, you’ve discovered your Schroeder agrees: “You explain your concerns. ticular way,” says Smiler. teenager—or tween— want to remain calm. Kids “Then at some point when has watched pornogra- are in tune to how we say Last, but hardly least: Try they have a partner, they phy. Perhaps you’ve even things before they are in to keep the conversation have a script in their head walked in on your teenager tune to the words.” about healthy sexuality go- that may not match the in the midst of watching it. ing (even if it’s “just listen reality they are trying to Instead, if you’ve walked for 10 minutes while I tell experience.” Rule No. 1: Stay calm (and in on it, ask your teenager you this”), says Schroeder. don’t shame). to turn off the computer. It will become easier and Smiler recommends par- “Say, ‘We will talk about less embarrassing (well, ents talk about these kind “As best you can, do not this in half an hour.’ Go maybe). And even if it of specific downsides of freak out, or at least do not and get yourself collect- seems like your teenager pornography with old- freak out in front of your ed,” says Smiler. If you’ve isn’t listening, he is. n SOLON HOME DAYS 2017

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 41 ASK THE DOCTOR Anxiety Anxiety is a mental health condition that often emerges in early adolescence. What should your teenager know about anxiety, and what are the best ways to treat it? Yo u r Teen turned to Dr. Laura Markley, a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist at Akron Children’s Hospital, for answers.

Doesn’t everyone feel some type of Do you see a link between anxiety Communication over social media and anxiety? and social media? texting, instead of conversing in per- Most people experience anxiety from Social media and the internet can have son, is hampering the ability to com- time to time, but for a teen with an positive uses in our lives, but with municate when they need help or anxiety disorder, the anxiety tends to this generation, it seems to have be- are feeling anxious and need to talk worsen over time and can interfere come the new medium of communi- through those feelings. Teens can be with daily activities such as school cation to the detriment of in-person “connected” to everyone—and yet work, relationships, and sleep. About conversation. What I have observed at times feel connected with no one. one in four teens will experience an is that teens may have a high quantity These feelings of emotional isola- anxiety disorder at some point in their of relationships, but a decrease in the tion can lead to or worsen anxiety. life, and about one in 20 will experi- quality of relationships. I see this ence a severe anxiety disorder. causing a struggle to identify, articu- late, and open up about their feelings.

42 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 ASK THE DOCTOR

Depression and anxiety tend to occur together, so a child who is anxious can become depressed, and vice versa.

How do parents factor into the because of falling grades, but we brain that contribute to anxiety. equation? commonly find instead that the pa- In general, sedating medications, Kids learn how to communicate tient is anxious/depressed. A par- such as benzodiazepines (Xanax, from watching their parents at ent might also notice a withdrawal Ativan), are not recommended in home. Parents must model how from friends or family, or activities treating anxiety disorders in youth, to interact and communicate with they used to enjoy. Depression and because they can impair cognitive others, which should include regu- anxiety tend to occur together, so abilities and development in young lar family time away from screens. a child who is anxious can become brains. If “quality family time” is frequent- depressed, and vice versa. The good news is that treat- ly spent staring at screens, our ment works, but it takes time teens will struggle to learn how to What is the treatment for and patience. A patient should express how they feel in general or anxiety? feel improvement in 2-3 months when they need help. Treatment considerations for anx- (sometimes sooner), and expe- iety are psychotherapy and medi- rience remission in 3-4 months What are the symptoms of cation. Your teen’s primary care with combination treatment. It’s anxiety? physician is a great first step for very important to continue treat- Common types of anxiety in- recommendations and treatment ment after remission to solidify the clude fearing social or performance for anxiety. gains the teen makes and prevent situations in which a teen expects Therapy is often the first-line relapses. Too often when things get to feel embarrassed, judged, or re- treatment for anxiety disorders. better, a teenager will stop going jected. Teens can develop anxiety Cognitive behavioral therapies to therapy and taking their meds. that interferes with their ability to are very effective, especially for This can lead to a rebound of their achieve in school. younger populations. These ther- symptoms. Parents may first notice the de- apies teach an adolescent cop- velopment of physical symptoms. ing skills so they can stop, check What advice do you have for A teen may have headaches, feel their thoughts, and confront the parents of teens? sick before school, have diarrhea, thoughts that bring on anxiety to Treat mental health concerns with or report chronic stomach pain gain better control of their anxiety. the same importance and urgency with no physical cause. Sometimes They may learn to cope using a me- as physical health concerns: the there is a pattern to their illness dium that appeals to them, such as sooner you address an illness, the where the child feels sick on school art, music, keeping a journal, jog- better off your child will be. Don’t days, but is fine on the weekend. ging, or exercise. wait to see if things improve on Parents should know that in most Depending on the degree of their own, and don’t take issues cases they are not “faking it”— impairment, therapy plus medica- lightly. If a teen musters the cour- their emotions are overloaded to tion may be appropriate. If a teen age to tell you something is wrong, the point that their body is expe- can’t function (they are missing take it seriously. Most important- riencing symptoms. There may be school, isolating themselves, etc.), ly, be available. Model good be- noticeable changes in their nor- or if they are experiencing wors- havior with screens and social mal appetite and/or sleep pat- ening depression, then Selective media. Have as much interaction terns, either difficulty sleeping or Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors with your kids as possible where sleeping all the time. They may (SSRIs), commonly called “anti- they have your full, undistracted have difficulty concentrating in depressants,” may be recommend- attention. n school, which can lead parents to ed. SSRIs are effective in treating become concerned about ADHD the biological imbalances in the

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ROTC: A College Degree and a Path to the Military By Diana Simeon

# Joanne Thompson’s son, Kevin, first For high-school students in- Competitive Scholarships A 1 PuBlIc became interested in government ser- terested in pursuing a career in the The Army, Navy, and Air Force run vice the summer before tenth grade. military after graduating from col- their own ROTC scholarship pro- “He went to a camp at American lege, the Reserve Officers Training grams. Not surprisingly, there is stiff unIverSIty for University,” Thompson recalls. “It Program (ROTC) has long been a competition in all three branches was about national security or some- popular way to go. for scholarships that cover full tu- enGAGInG StudentS’ thing like that. When we picked him These college-based programs— ition, fees, and books for four years. up he said, ‘I would stay here forever offered by the U.S. Army, Navy, and “For the Air Force, these represent In theIr educAtIon doing this.’” Air Force— allow students to earn a about five percent of all ROTC schol- By the time Kevin was a senior in bachelor’s degree, while also receiv- arships,” says Capt. Daniel Work, — the wAll Street journAl high school, he had decided to pur- ing training to prepare them for mili- a U.S. Air Force Recruiting Flight sue a career in the U.S. Navy. “His tary service. Most ROTC students Commander for the Air Force ROTC senior year, he had two Plan A’s,” (who are called cadets, aka officers in unit at Ohio’s Bowling Green State says Thompson. “One Plan A was training) receive scholarships to help the U.S. Naval Academy, and the pay for college. When they graduate, other Plan A was the Navy Reserve they are commissioned as officers Officers Training Corps (NROTC).” and are obligated to serve from three Today, Kevin is a NROTC stu- to four years of active duty, depend- dent at Virginia Tech University, ing on which branch of the military where he’s studying systems engi- they go into. ROTC officers serve in neering. His NROTC scholarship all branches of the military; in any Brought to you by Bowling Green pays tuition, books, and fees. given year about 30 percent of new- State University, where students are www.bgsu.edu “When he graduates, he’ll com- ly commissioned active-duty officers prepared for lifelong career growth mission as an ensign in the Navy,” says are graduates of ROTC programs. and leadership in a global society. Thompson. “He will serve five years at Learn more at bgsu.edu. a minimum. And he’s proud to do so.”

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 45 COLLEGE CORNER

University. “They are extremely before junior year, so if they don’t like it, competitive.” they can drop it.” Each branch requires a mini- Indeed, at the end of the day, ROTC mum GPA and SAT/ACT score is about a commitment to serve in the to apply; some majors are fa- U.S. military. “Low-cost college is not vored over others—engineering, the reason to do this,” says Thompson. for example. There may also be a “You have to want to be in whatever ser- physical requirement—and like vice you want to be in.” any other college scholarship For Thompson’s son, ROTC is going program, a student’s extracurric- well so far. “He works really hard,” she ular activities also come into play. says. “He’s learned some really good lead- Students interested in applying ership skills. He’s now a sophomore and for ROTC scholarships can get more confident. It’s been fun to watch.”n detailed information, including deadlines, on the websites for the branch of service they’re interested in (see list at end of article). A Day in In addition to applying for a ROTC scholarship, students must the Life apply separately and be accepted What’s it like to be a to colleges where that scholarship ROTC cadet? can be utilized. In other words, the college must have a ROTC In part, that depends on the Other than that, they’re college unit for the service you’re apply- college, the specific unit, and students just like everyone else at ing to. About 1,700 colleges and the branch of service, explains BGSU, says Work. universities in the United States Capt. Daniel Work, a U.S. Air Force At some campuses—including host ROTC units. The Army and Recruiting Flight Commander for Virginia Tech, which is one of six Air Force both have around 1,100 the Air Force ROTC unit at Ohio’s senior military colleges in the campus programs; the Navy has Bowling Green State University. country—cadets live a more around 150. At Bowling Green, Air Force military lifestyle. There are also less competi- ROTC cadets exercise together “As a freshman in the Corps, my tive types of ROTC scholarships. several times a week. They also son was in Alpha company, and all For example, the Air Force of- attend a weekly “leadership the Alpha freshmen live together fers a Type 2 scholarship of up laboratory,” where they learn drills and move around together,” to $18,000 a year, and the Army, and other skills they will need. (At explains Thompson. “They wear Navy, and Air Force offer schol- BGSU, this is the only day of the their uniforms to class. But after arship programs for students week cadets are required to wear about 5:00 p.m. and on weekends, who join ROTC after they’ve al- their uniform). In addition, they they’re just regular college ready been in college for a year attend a weekly class that helps students.” or two. prepare them to serve as officers Cadets may also be required to It’s also possible to try in the Air Force. participate in summer programs. ROTC for two years (typically “It’s a college course, but the For the Air Force ROTC, that freshman and sophomore year) content is Air Force-centric,” includes field training between without committing to serving explains Work. “It’s a combination sophomore and junior year, in the military. These students of Air Force history, an in-depth explains BGSU’s Work. “They’ll do not receive any ROTC schol- look at the operations the Air go through additional leadership arship funding and are under Force provides for the country, and and other kinds of training, like no obligation to serve until they other information the cadets will simulated deployed environment are formally contracted. This need when they commission and obstacle training and weapons happens when they (1) accept become officers. We want them to qualifications training.” a scholarship or (2) when they be able to hit the ground running.” reach the stage of becoming a professional officer candidate (typically junior year). “It’s a risk free trial for two Learn More At … years,” says Work. “It lets them Army ROTC www.goarmy.com/rotc.html see what the Air Force is about. Navy ROTC www.nrotc.navy.mil

And there is no commitment  Air Force ROTC www.afrotc.com

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Photo: Beth Segal Allowance? Does it Make Cents? By Sharon Holbrook

Maybe you gave an allowance to your 7-year-old, and it was a simple matter of a couple of singles a week he could use to buy gum or Pokémon cards. Or maybe you thought about giving allowance, but never really got around to it, because you were just busy. Either way, adolescence is a good time ply isn’t in the budget. Also, Beth tic proponent of allowance as a learn- to revisit this topic again. Your children Kobliner, author of the newly released ing tool, assuming a family can afford are wanting bigger-ticket items like cell- Make Your Kid A Money Genius (Even it. “It’s in the same category as art sup- phones, concert tickets, and designer If You’re Not), has reviewed academ- plies, books, or sports equipment. We clothes. They’re thinking about summer ic studies on allowance from around want them to ‘practice money’ and get jobs, and you’re thinking about college the world, and she's found that there’s good at it, the same way we want them expenses. Also, you were kind of hoping no consensus on whether allowance to practice and get good at all those they’d be a little more responsible about is always a benefit to kids’ financial other things.” money by now. development. If parents decide to give allowance, Where does allowance play into all Ron Lieber, author of the bestsell- it should never be tied to the comple- this? ing Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids tion of chores. Kobliner, Lieber, and First off, you don’t have to give Who Are Generous, Grounded, and nearly every other money expert agree allowance. For some families, it sim- Smart About Money, is an enthusias- on this—kids should do chores simply

48 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 Be clear about expectations. Decide and communicate what you’re asking them to pay for. because they are part of a family. And or spending budget for your teen. “We get and sacrifice somewhere else. As being in a family means pitching in and want them to have enough so they can Lieber says, handing over some of this working together. No one should be get all the things they need and some of control (and the consequences) is “a able to opt out of chores by forfeiting the things they want, but not so much relatively low-stakes real-world expe- allowance. that they don’t have to make a lot of re- rience in bargain-hunting and thinking Another rule for successfully man- ally hard choices.” It’s in making those about which things are most important aging allowance is to be clear about choices, and having to tease apart their to them.” expectations. Decide and communi- wants from their needs, that kids de- And that’s the bottom line about cate what you’re asking them to pay velop into adults who are responsible what parents should focus on when for with this allowance, Kobliner says. spenders and savers. it comes to allowance in these years: That’s going to be different for each So maybe you’ll shell out for a we’re providing the opportunity to family, of course, depending on your Lands’ End winter coat, but not the practice and fail now, when they’re still family’s lifestyle and needs. designer name she wants. She’ll have young and under our roof. Better now Lieber offers a straightforward to make the tough decision whether to than in their twenties. n philosophy to determine allowance take that extra money from the bud-

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 49 TWEEN TALK

The Benefits of Siblings Sharing Bedrooms

By Laura Richards

The topic of bedrooms is a hot It’s also important to ex- one in our house because we plain to the younger sibling have three bedrooms for four that teenagers need their kids, which means someone space, suggests Dr. Guttman. needs to share. Thankfully, She recommends parents ask my 15- and 4-year-old have the younger sibling to help Create two areas within the bedroom an amazingly close bond and out by letting the teen have so each sibling has a space that is entirely share a room by choice— some alone time in the room ❶ their own. which amazes me, but for during agreed-upon times. now, it works. Explain to both kids the im- A shared bedroom shouldn’t have a uniform For some families, the portance of working together look. Allow both siblings to bring their person- process isn’t as easy, and as a family to solve problems ality to the décor in their area. If your 6-year- sharing is a challenge. So, (including space issues). old loves dinosaurs, allow him to add that to what if your teen must share At the same time, it’s ex- ❷ the room. And if your 15-year-old loves the with a younger (sometimes tremely important that both much younger) sibling? siblings feel they have their Yankees, let him put up a poster. This allows “Teens can be sensitive own space—and parents can both children to express themselves creatively. to issues regarding space take steps to help children Like Dr. Guttman suggests, organize times and having to share,” says feel that way, even if they are, when each child has the room solo. For ex- Dr. Jennifer Guttman, a in fact, sharing a bedroom. ample, if your 15-year-old wants the room clinical psychologist with “When you’re grow- practices in New York and ing up, especially when you to do homework, listen to music, or hang out ❸ with a friend, organize a schedule from 3:00- Connecticut. It’s helpful to are a teen, it is a wonderful be understanding, while also thing to know your bedroom 5:00 p.m. to be your oldest son’s time in the having a mature conversa- is yours and only yours,” bedroom. tion about the family’s needs. says professional organizer Within the shared areas, keep things neat, or- For example, I know it’s hard Christina Giaquinto, own- to share a room with your er of Christina Giaquinto ganized, and labeled. For example, one desk sister, but this is the space we Organizing. “Being free to drawer can be for your older child’s home- have right now. “Reinforce decorate it as you want and work and school papers, while another drawer for your teen the importance truly create a space of your ❹ is specifically for the younger one’s coloring of being flexible in the situa- own is empowering.” books and crayons. This again creates an en- tion and being a positive role Giaquinto shared some vironment that is shared, but still has specific model for a younger sibling,” tips for accomplishing a suc- areas designated to each child. adds Guttman. cessful room.

50 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 Dr. Guttman stresses 4-year-old on the other. My the importance of having 4-year-old has lots of stuffed discussions with kids about animals that he keeps in his family and working togeth- old infant Moses basket so er. Those conversations can they are contained and orga- make living in close quarters nized. My 15-year-old keeps easier, while also promot- his skateboard collection in ing your children’s long- a row along one wall. We’ve term relationship. “Siblings made it clear to both boys know each other longer than the importance of respect- anyone else on the plan- ing each other’s things. This et will know them,” notes is really geared to the 4-year- Guttman. old who is far more intrigued It has worked for our by his older brother’s cool family, and I hope it will stuff than the 15-year-old is work for yours, too. with preschool toys! With We have implemented good communication and Dr. Guttman’s and Christina respect, it can be a doable Giaquinto’s suggestions situation. When I hear the in our own family for our two of them chatting in bed sons who share a room. My at night it warms my heart 15-year-old occupies one knowing they are forming an half of the bedroom with our indelible brotherly bond. n

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 51 TECH TALK

Cyberbullying So Subtle You Might Miss It

By Mary Helen Berg

You know what cyberbullying is, but that doesn’t mean you always rec- ognize it. Some forms of cyberbullying are so subtle, even the savviest parents miss them. And yet they can still be as cruel and damaging as more public forms of bullying. An awareness of these sneaky techniques will help you guide your teen through complicated social media relationships. Here are some classic examples of these more subtle forms of cyberbullying.

The Exclusive Photo erything your teen posts, it becomes a This tactic uses photos that show a form of mockery, says Caroline Knorr, Griefing group of friends having fun as a tool to senior parenting editor for Common This form of cyberbullying occurs in the make others feel isolated or unpopular. Sense Media. online gaming world, when one play- “There’s no crime in posting an “It’s done to intimidate,” she says. er follows another and harasses him image of what you’re doing,” says “It puts the original poster on notice by intentionally sabotaging his game. Signe Whitson, a national educator that everything you’re doing is being “Griefing borders on stalking,” Knorr on bullying prevention and author of observed by someone who doesn’t like says. “A griefer can come in and dis- 8 Keys to End Bullying: Strategies for you or doesn’t have your best inten- mantle everything you’ve done so you Parents & Schools. “But in this case, tions at heart.” can’t go anywhere in the game.” the person who’s left out is very aware that their friends are sending them a Sub-tweeting/ message that ‘Hey, we were all invited No Comment to this party, or we all went out after Tons of comments and “likes” are a Sub-booking the soccer game, and you specifical- sign of support and affirmation, so A cyberbully uses Twitter (sub-tweet- ly were not invited.’” Some teenagers if your teen’s online post is greeted ing) and Facebook (sub-booking) to take it a step further by tagging the with silence, she may feel humiliated. post negative comments about an in- person being left out. Cyberbullies sometimes coordinate ef- dividual without naming her, but does forts behind-the-scenes to purposely so in a way that makes clear who is be- Aggressive Liking limit responses, Whitson says. ing discussed. Young people gauge their self “It’s intimidating and it’s also hu- Clicking the “like” button on social me- worth on the number of likes and fol- miliating because everybody sees it,” dia is intended to send a positive mes- lowers they get, Whitson explains. Knorr notes. sage. But when a frenemy follows your When a post gets zero response, “It’s teen online and aggressively “likes” ev- like shunning. It’s awful.”

52 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 CYBERBULLYING: HOW PARENTS CAN HELP

Start by lending an ear when your  For younger adolescents, consider your teen to strategize with you, or teenager wants to talk. Peers can installing parental control software. another trusted adult, when ques- be mean in many ways, online and By viewing your adolescent’s on- tionable behavior occurs, says Knorr. off, and sometimes just letting your line activities, you can get a good  Finally, ask your teen to stand up teenager dump about it goes a long idea of whether things are positive for others. Uniting with peers is the way. If your teenager wants ad- or negative in their online life (and best defense against cyberbullying. vice, great. If not, let it go. You’ve still whether you need to intervene). helped by listening. “Reach out to the victim and say ‘I  Advise your teenager to block support you,’” encourages Knorr, “be- You can also talk more generally people who use these tactics, or to cause what bullies try to do is isolate about mean cyber behavior and cy- just sign off social media—but most their victims and intimidate everybody berbullying as a way of getting your teens won’t want to do either, says else who might stand up for them.” teenager to open up. I’ve heard some Whitson. teenagers will post negative com-  Remind your teen that she can flag ments about someone, but not use and report offensive behavior to the their name. Have you seen that? social media platform or game mod- Here are other ideas from Knorr and erator. Take screenshots of bullying Whitson: statements or photos. Encourage

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Interview with E’myri Crutchfield from Roots

When we watched the History Channel remake of the mini- series Roots last year, we were riveted by actor E’myri Crutchfield, who plays the young Miss Kizzy. This issue, we were thrilled to have the opportunity to talk to 16-year-old Emyri and her mom, Erica.

When did you know you wanted ise, and then as soon as I turned my ademically it is. When you’re home- to be an actor? back, she’d sneak off and I’d hear schooled or on a set, there’s not a lot E’myri: Well, I’ve always been very her voice and find her with a crowd of structure. This is my first time in outgoing. When I was six years old, around her. Constantly. years being in a structured school. So my mom and I would go to the mall. I that’s been difficult. would stand in the jewelry section in a Where do you go to school? store and try to sell jewelry to the cus- E’myri: Now I am in a regular high Erica, what worries you as the tomers. People started telling my mom school, but when I first started audi- mom of a 16-year-old actor? to put me in acting class because I was tioning, my mom was home-school- Erica: E’myri will leave me soon and so outgoing. ing me. And when I’m on set, then I’m be in the world doing this by herself. also home-schooled. I just hope she carries on what I have Erica: Before we went anywhere, I tried to instill in her. I want her to have would threaten her and say, “Do not Is it hard for you to go back and a discerning spirit of who she is, what open your mouth. Don’t talk to any- forth? she is, and where she is, and to keep one. Don’t do anything.” She’d prom- E’myri: Socially it isn’t hard, but ac- her head focused.

54 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 Do you have set rules with E’myri? Erica: This is my first teenager, and this is the hardest time of my life. I either want her to go back to being a child or hurry up and be 18 and go to college. Like other teenagers, she thinks she’s a grown-up or that I’m wacky and don’t know anything. I do have rules and she does get punished. I’m trying to teach her that it doesn’t matter how old she gets, there are rules—in my house, at school, college, when you walk out the door. But sometimes she thinks she E’myri Lee Crutchfield (as Young Izzy) and Malachi Kirby (as Kunta Kinte) in Roots. shouldn’t have to follow the rules, and that can be frustrating. took a risk. And if we hadn’t, she proba- the same time as me, and they were bly wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t have booking jobs right and left. It took me What would you say to the many done all this. So I say to anyone who two years to book my first job. I was just teenagers out there who want to has a talent or a passion, go for it. Do very discouraged, and my mom and my do what E’myri is doing? it. Keep going. You might get a million acting coach kept me on my course. So I Erica: Everyone thought I was crazy. I no’s, like we did for the first two years. just say, “Don’t worry about what other left my work, drained my account, and But it only takes that one yes, that one people are doing because you are who flew her to California two years in a row. person to discover you. you are.” God has something in place My husband would say, “Erica, every- for everyone. Just because someone else body out there thinks their kid can act, What would you add, E’myri? is doing or getting something does not what makes her so special?” But I knew E’myri: A lot of times, I wanted to give take away from you or mean you won’t in my heart and so did E’myri. So, we up. I had friends who started acting at get there, too. n

YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 55 SMALL STUFF

Healthy Responses to Self Criticism

By Rebecca Meiser

Photo: Beth Segal

here was a time, not too As well-meaning as these responses can actually end up negatively affect- long ago, when, in the eyes are, turns out they’re not very helpful. ing their self-esteem. “It disempowers of Sammy, their teenaged “Denying your teenager’s insecurities your teenager and makes them feel in- T daughter, Deborah Smith makes your teenager feel invalidat- competent,” Dr. Greenberg notes. and her husband could not say or do ed. They just think that you don’t un- There are small things you can do, anything right. Sammy was going derstand them,” explains Dr. Barbara though, to help your child lift himself through a phase where she felt Greenberg, a Connecticut-based clin- up. At home, give your child the oppor- insecure about almost everything: ical psychologist and co-author of tunity to do things she is good at. If she her appearance, academics—and Teenage as a Second Language: A has a keen design sense, ask her to help especially how her parents would act Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual. rearrange the living room furniture, for around her friends. Often, Greenberg says, these self- instance. Teens like to feel competent, “One time, at a school event, my slanders about “feeling fat” or “feel- Gilboa says. If your child is having a husband made a joke, and Sammy just ing ugly” are really stand-ins for other, hard time socially at school, you can burst into tears in embarrassment,” deeper emotions. “Your teen might ask if he wants to join a youth group Deborah recalls. “It was like she felt have a fight with their peers, and or try out a new summer camp. This judged all day, every day.” then all of sudden they feel ugly,” Dr. gives him access to a different, wider Deborah hurt for her daugh- Greenberg explains. “For a lot of girls, net of people—which might be what ter—and also a tiny bit for herself. that’s code for something else that’s your child needs to feel better about Insecurity—the feeling that you are not going on.” What Greenberg encourag- himself, Greenberg says. good enough—is terrible for a teenag- es in these situations is to keep the dia- It may help both you and your er, and just as awful for the parent who logue open and prod a little bit, asking child to remember that everyone has is watching. your teen why she is feeling that way. insecurities. Even the most confident “It’s difficult to hear our children Though it may take some willpower people hate the way their hair looks speak poorly of themselves,” says Dr. on your end, it is possible to honor your sometimes. It is part of everyone’s bur- Deborah Gilboa, a parent and youth teenager’s feelings without agreeing with den and journey in life to learn how to development expert and founder of him. “You can say things like: I hear that live with—and occasionally even cher- the advice site AskDoctorG.com. you are feeling ugly. That’s not what I ish—these flaws. “Both because we like them so much see, but I understand that’s how you’re Though her daughter is “most- and because we fear what their inse- feeling,” Dr. Gilboa suggests. ly over” her sensitive phase curity means. We fear the pain they’re Teens don’t always want you to fix (“Thankfully,” Deborah says), she going to experience and the bad choic- their problems. Oftentimes, they just knows the process to self-acceptance es they might make because of those want your ear. “Sometimes the best is never easy for either parent or child. insecurities.” thing we can do for our children is to Possibly the best thing a parent can do Often a parent’s first instinct is to provide a safe place where they can ex- during this time is offer a child some deny their child’s statements. No, you press their feelings without us trying to grace and sympathy. n totally don’t have big teeth honey. Or: solve everything,” Dr. Gilboa explains. You’re good at math. That test was And unwittingly, when we do try just really hard. to fix things for our teenagers, we

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 57 SNAPSHOT

I Never Thought It Would Be My Daughter By Sandra Gordon

It was 12:30 a.m. “How much did she drink?” change anything. Instead, I sleeping, and I mulled over No answer. focused on solving the prob- the events of the past week. on a Sunday last At the luxury apartment lem. “CALL 911!” I said to When Jane asked to go to the December when complex where the party was one of Jane’s friends, who after party, I saw the glint in held, I found Jane splayed on had wandered into the rest- her eye. I had a feeling alco- my cellphone the cold tile of the first floor room to check on her. After hol was going to be there. woke me up from restroom, unconscious. She what felt like forever, Jane Each night before bed for the a dead sleep. was wearing her favorite was hauled out on a yellow past week, I had talked with Lululemon black yoga pants stretcher. Jane about the dangers of al- Earlier that evening, my and a white T-shirt, her pretty, In the local hospital emer- cohol on the teenage brain, 14-year-old daughter, Jane, long brown hair in a ponytail. gency department, Jane’s that because your brain is still had gone to her first formal I was stunned seeing her this clothes were cut off and IVs growing, you’re more likely high school dance and then to out of it. Thankfully, another were inserted. She looked like to develop a lifelong addic- her first “after party.” I don’t mom was there, holding up a crumpled fawn in a mass of tion. That consuming alco- consider myself a helicopter Jane’s head so Jane wouldn’t tubes. Her blood alcohol level hol at such a vulnerable age parent. In fact, my parenting choke on her own vomit. tested at 0.2, four times the le- can mess with your brain’s style has always been more “JANE! JANE!” I yelled. Her gal limit. She was the smell of circuitry. As a health writer, I free-range. After all, I grew eyelids don’t even flutter. a bar at closing time. “We see was up on the latest research. up on a farm in the Midwest. The man who called ner- this every weekend,” said the Right before the par- But that night, I kept my cell- vously appeared. Fortyish young emergency medicine ty, Jane’s 16-year-old sister phone on my nightstand just and boyish-looking, he’s physician, shaking her head. showed me a photo on social in case. someone’s divorced dad and Roughly 4,300 teens die media of the event’s exact al- “Come pick up your the party’s host. He had no from alcohol poisoning ev- cohol stash—a mass of vod- daughter now!” said a man’s idea how it happened, but ery year in the U.S., accord- ka, whiskey, and beer bottles. voice mixed with thumping just knew that my daughter ing to the Centers for Disease “The party’s going to be lit!” party music. My heart sud- drank too much. He wasn't Control and Prevention the caption had read. At that, denly racing, I threw back sure what exactly she drank. (CDC). Jane turned out to be I sent Jane a text saying that the covers and scrambled in He just wanted me to get one of the lucky ones. There she couldn’t go to the party the dark to throw on what- Jane out of there, as if it were wasn't much to do but wait after all. “I promise I won’t ever I could find. What was possible for me to sling my until she woke up. “Try to get drink, Mommy,” Jane texted. going on? As I drove through gangly 125-pound daughter some sleep,” the doctor said, I decided to trust her. After all, my suburban neighborhood, over my shoulder. while pulling shut the thick we had had those talks. But my panic mounted, as teens Maybe another parent curtain that separated us we might as well have chatted from the party began clue- would yell at him for hosting from the ER’s main area. about the weather. ing me in. One caller, a boy, a booze bash for high school While shifting in my At 6:30 a.m., Jane, still a asked if I was on my way and freshman and sophomores. green plastic chair all night, I tangle of tubes, finally stirred. if I was okay with alcohol. Me? I was in a vortex of tears. decided not to wake my hus- “How do you feel?” I say. “No, I’m not!” I screamed. Yet, I knew yelling wouldn’t band, who was still at home “Safe,” she says.

58 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 “Safe?” I repeat. ing to the CDC. I never want teen therapist so we could which is how many teens hide Jane nods. to know that statistic so per- drive home the point that drinking from their parents. “You’re in the hospi- sonally again. even though she was mostly What will happen when tal,” I say. “You almost killed For weeks, I relived the unconscious throughout the Jane does drink again at a yourself.” terror of the cliché phone whole thing, it was a BIG party is anyone’s guess. In “I’m so sorry, Mommy,” call, racing to the apartment deal. Jane must earn back our the meantime, to help Jane Jane says, with a tear stream- complex, the haunting im- trust, the therapist said. feel safe and buy time until ing down her face. age of my daughter conked We’re not sure how to do she’s more mature and can When we got home out on the tile floor and the this other than one neighbor- hopefully make better deci- at 10:30 a.m. that Sunday alcohol coma at the hospital. hood pool party, bonfire, and sions for herself, forget being morning, the parents of And Jane? Well, thanks to hang-out at a time. I let Jane a free-range parent. I now Jane’s friends began calling anti-nausea medication, she go because I know she needs think of myself as a helicop- and I pieced together what didn’t even get a hangover. to be with her friends, as all ter parent on steroids—or happened. Egged on by the She knew she made a big teens do. Yet, she has a firm rather, a party drone, hover- “cool” sophomores, freshman mistake. Still, she was most- rule. If alcohol gets smuggled ing just above Jane’s pony- Jane had downed seven vod- ly upset that her Lululemon in, it’s off limits. “IF YOU tailed head. n ka shots. Not knowing what yoga pants were in shreds. DRINK ANYTHING, I’M she was doing, she passed out Since Jane’s near-death SHUTTING IT DOWN!” I before she even knew she was experience, there have been routinely say, glaring. Jane Sandra Gordon is is a freelance drunk. more talks about alcohol and also has an 11:00 p.m. curfew. writer in the New York City area. Read more of her work In 2010, there were how Jane’s impulsive actions I always pick her up instead of at sandrajgordon.com. roughly 189,000 emergency terrorized us all. My husband, letting someone else drop her department visits in the U.S. Jane, and I attended two pric- off at home. She can’t have a by underage drinkers, accord- ey sessions with a leading sleepover after a party either,

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 59 Your Teen 1/4 page.indd 1 1/27/17 2:35 PM IN MY OPINION

Best Buds By Lisa Beach

e used to be best buds, As much as I try to become a part annoyed, as I see the wall between us my son and me. of his world, he keeps me at a distance start to build again, one frown at a time. My little shadow with one-word answers, if he answers “Nothing made you smile today? W would follow me every- at all. Maybe you got a good grade on a test, where, running outside to get the mail, Because I pick him up from high or someone helped you with a project, helping me water the flowers, watch- school every day, we’ve got about 15 or a girl smiled at you or something?” I ing me fold a load of laundry. Like two minutes of one-on-one time in the car asked, grasping for a hint of what makes ice cubes frozen together, you couldn’t as we drive home. Each day, I try des- my son tick at 15. pry us apart. perately to connect with him, often fall- His brows furrow, and I see that We used to do this little trick ing flat within the first few minutes. I’ve awakened the irritable beast lurking whenever I was about to gather up the Knowing that a simple question inside, sending him into an angry tail- laundry, where I would lie down on my like, “How was your day?” usually spin. My innocently probing questions back, knees parallel to the floor, and he evokes nothing more than “fine,” I ask pushed him over the brink. would sprawl on top of my legs, facing him open-ended questions to peek in- “Stop suffocating me! Why are me. We’d hold hands, and he’d start side his teenage world. you always so involved in my life, ask- laughing, knowing what was about to “Tell me something funny that hap- ing a million questions?” he lashed happen. pened at school today,” I asked on our out at me. “Do you want to help me with the recent drive home. “I’m just wondering how your laundry?” I would croon quietly to him. “Well, there’s this kid who runs day went, trying to get you to focus on “Yes!” he’d declare with a huge down the hall after second period every the good stuff, that’s all,” I explained, grin. And then I’d swing my legs up and day,” my son revealed. “I call him Speed feeling both defensive and defeated at down, giving him a ride on my shins, Racer because he is literally darting be- the same time. propelling him from horizontal to verti- tween all the kids in the hall trying to get His body tensed as he turned to- cal and back again. He’d giggle uncon- to his next class. He does this every day, ward the passenger-side window, star- trollably, and when the laughter died Mom.” ing vacantly at the passing cars. In the down, I’d do it all over again. Okay, not an earth-shattering rev- window’s reflection, I could see the But that was back in the days of elation, but, at least, it’s a conversation. anger in his face. If he glanced over giggles. Now, we live in the days of I tried a different angle. at me, he would have seen me biting mumbles. And scowls. As my son slow- “What happened today that made my lower lip in frustration. He didn’t ly grew up, transitioning from a polite you feel good?” I asked, hoping for a bother to look, of course, and instead toddler to a moody teen, we grew apart. tiny teenage epiphany. put his earbuds in for the rest of the My son, now 15, tolerates me. “Nothing,” he replied, somewhat drive home, literally tuning me out.

60 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 And so it goes, my son and years. I realize this “don’t-poke- snuggle. He melts into his blan- me. We repeat this dance often— the-bear” phase is just a tempo- kets, his attitude softens, and his me leading the way with my un- rary detour, as my son becomes heart opens. I prop myself up flinching love, my never-give-up his own man, trying to escape on his bed with one arm while I attitude, and him resisting, every the shadow of his younger self. reach over and tickle his arm or step of the dance. But it hurts me to the core as he scratch his back with the other. I wonder if he even recalls pushes me away in the process. We relive something good that our shadow-days together when Some days, the dichotomy happened earlier in the day, and he was a pint-sized extension of our relationship then and we exchange I-love-you's in the of me? Does he remember the now seems almost too stark a dark. And once in a while, be- hours I spent decorating his fire contrast. I wonder if our shad- fore I leave his room, we even ex- engine cake for his fourth birth- ow-days will recede into a fad- change butterfly kisses, just like day, the games of flashlight tag ed memory as we both tiptoe when we were best buds, my son we played at night in the house, around a new strained normal and me. n the hours we spent walking between us. And I worry that through the neighborhood, or we will never be best buds again. the countless trips to the library But then, it happens like Lisa Beach is a freelance writer, humorist, or the park? How about the back clockwork. Almost every night, mother of two teenagers, and recovering homeschool mom who lived to write about scratches, the tuck-me-in snug- no matter what’s transpired be- it. Check out her writer’s website at www. gles, the piggyback rides, or the tween us that day—arguments, LisaBeachWrites.com and visit her humor butterfly kisses? snarky comments, silence, at- blog at www.TweeniorMoments.com. My heart aches for our days titude, or frustration—my son of giggles, as I struggle to find asks me to tuck him in. My my footing in his sullen teenage 15-year-old son still wants to

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YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2017 61 ALL ABOUT ME

Chewy Cookie Must it always be about them? All About Me Little is a chance to talk about something other than Goh-Gee Nemo your teen—finally. Willie Birdy Vanilli

What’s in a [Nick]By Stephanie Schaeffer SilvermanName?

It was just your average weekend I remember it pretty clearly. One of the just like the family pet,” according afternoon—a lazy day of random cousins randomly said, “You know my to the Irish psychotherapist Sinead chores and a board game that we mom’s name is Suzanne—not Lilly.” Lynch. actually all enjoy (Rummikub). “Ha ha,” said my oldest, as if it were Oh—the family pet. The one we call “C’mon Flanka, could you take any the most ridiculous thing he’s ever Dippie, Fla-riopey, Plastic, Little Boo- more time?” one of my sons said to heard. Boo, Sauce? Yeah, her name is Moxie. the other as he not so patiently waited his turn (surely to go “out” and win the “No really, Zach—her name is Suzanne. The explanation, in an article in the game). I swear,” said Ben, who was 9 at the Irish Examiner I found online (thank time. you Google), continued: “One way to “Enough, Shwamba, I’m making my connect with someone is to create a move,” he retorted. “Wait, what? Her name isn’t Lilly?” my ‘pet’ or nickname for them. A name oldest (then 14) asked, eyeing me like I that says ‘I know this person’." My husband jumped in, and before he had stolen his birthright. could complete the first word, one of I call my brother-in-law Steversville them said, “Stay out of it, Chewy.” “Yeah, Ben’s right—it’s actually (Stephen), my oldest and only niece Suzanne,” I said, as I finished setting (the one who made me an aunt has We’ve had nicknames for all of the the table, completely unrattled by the to have a special name) Flayva-Flay kids since birth—Cleetus, Splunk, inquisition. (Faye), my middle darling nephew, Willy Laineybird, Birdy, Cookie, Birdress, Vanilly (Will), and my youngest cutie Rylo, Skooch, Skooch-Ma-Gooch, “Then why the heck do we call her Aunt pie nephew, Bennifer (Ben). Goh-Gee—and they've had their Lilly?” own for us— Poof, Dooma, Foo-mico, It’s true. It’s my way of saying I know Fooma, Nemo, Meeno. It’s endless and “Yeah, it’s a long story. I’ve called her this person. ridiculous, and it's fascinating to me that since I was little. I never call her which nicknames stick. Suzanne.” But probably the most telling of the research said this: “Nicknames give Growing up, my sister and I babysat “Yeah, clearly.” us a chance to lighten the mood and for the same family. She passed down show people that we are up for a the job to me when she left for college I remember the look on his face—the laugh.” in 1983, and to this day, we call each way he looked at my sister, as if seeing other by “variations” of the names of her for the first time. Anyone who knows me knows that’s that family. They talked about their my bottom line—always up for a laugh cousins incessantly; they all had these I kind of felt bad about it—mainly (even when it is far from appropriate). crazy names like Srilly, Osna – which because I hadn’t even given it any we promptly shortened to Lilly and thought that what I call her would be So, I will continue using nicknames Fosna (eventually Fosi). the name my kids would call her. It got shamelessly, and know that someday, I me thinking, why do we call each other will be sitting around with my children In fact, it wasn’t until my kids were by nicknames? and grandchildren as they play games teens that they found out my sister’s with Uncle Splunk, Aunt Birdy, and real name. “As humans we are programmed to Uncle Cleetus—until someone tells respond to affection and kindness— them their real names.

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