Dedicated in memory of Rachel Leah bat R' Chaim Tzvi

Volume 3 Number 24 Special Tu B'Av Edition Brought to you by Naaleh.com Shidduchim: The Challenge of Uniting Your Soul Based on a Naaleh.com shiur by Tziporah Heller The Ohr Hachaim writes that all physical potential of perfection in yourself, in the world, you’re married. It’s a time for prayer. Come creations have both female and male aspects. and in the people you meet. You don’t have to before Hashem with your emptiness and your This division implies that nothing is whole or justify imperfection but try to find the part that imperfection and it will draw you closer to Him. perfect in this world. Hashem set up the is perfect. You can learn from everyone you world in a way that there are two forces that meet. Many people caught in the shidduch trap It seems to me that the one critical question in bring about change and growth. The male are bitter. You can redeem yourself by saying, shidduchim should be, “Can I build with this energy provides and gives forth and the “Who does Hashem want me to be at this person?” Is there enough commonality in female energy takes in and nurtures. Together moment?” Not, “What do I want?” If Hashem values, personality, communication, there is possibility for something greater than wants you to be compassionate and a seeker background, and understanding? Nothing else both of them to come into existence. that’s where you should go. Serve Hashem is relevant. If people were focused on that, joyously as you learn more and become there would be better, more joyous marriages If you’re not married yet, it’s Hashem’s broader. and less defensiveness and opposition. Of Providence. It doesn’t mean you didn’t make course you have to like and respect the the wrong choices, but ultimately it’s Hashem Don’t put your life on hold. Only Hashem person, but you have to be willing to build who brings things to perfection. There’s no knows when you’ll find your destined mate. together. If that’s there, go for it. Don’t tied possibility of perfection without submission to Find things to do that will make you a more up in externalities or flaws. The world is Hashem’s will. See the world for what it is, perfect person and the world a more perfect imperfect. Nothing is perfect. Only Hashem is, imperfect, and learn to live with it. Turn to place. Take advantage of this free unfettered and our goal should be to move towards Him Hashem. Ask him to help you perceive the time to be there for others, to do chesed, and with faith, trust, and joy. to learn in a way you won’t be able to after Tu B’av Based on a Naaleh.com shiur by Mrs. Shira Smiles The Gemara in Tannit tells us, “There were no holiday, wouldn’t one have been sufficient? Kippur is atonement. On Yom Kippur, the sin of yomim tovim (good occasions) in Israel more the Golden Calf was forgiven while on Tu B’av joyous than the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur.” Tu B’av celebrates re-unification both among the sin of the Spies was forgiven. This is why The spiritual happiness of atonement on Yom the Jewish people and with Hashem. When the women celebrate. They had no part in Kippur was deeply felt but what was so there is unity there is true joy. Disparity creates either sin. Tu B’av commemorates the burial of significant about Tu B’av? a terrible kitrug (accusation) in heaven. The those massacred in Beitar. This teaches us beit hamikdash was destroyed because of that we must be grateful for the slightest good The Gemara lists several occurrences. On dissension. On Tu B’av, the barriers between even in the midst of overwhelming tragedy. this day the tribes were permitted to the tribes were lifted. When the generation of Likewise matches were made on Tu B’av. A intermarry, the ban against marrying into the the desert stopped dying, Hashem’s anger marriage can only function if we recognize the tribe of Binyamin was lifted, the generation of dissipated and He renewed His relationship smallest benefit we receive from our spouses. the desert ceased dying, Hoshea ben Eleh with us once again. We celebrate the comple- The Sages designated Tu B’av as a holiday in removed the sentries blocking the roads to tion of gathering the wood because there is no order to help us bear our exile. By being Jerusalem, the massacred of Beitar greater joy than completing a mitzva. Now that thankful for the smallest good we can were buried, and the wood for the altar was they could ascend to Jerusalem, they could overcome our suffering. Sometimes in life, it’s finally cut for the next year's sacrifices. In once again bask in the close proximity of the not about the one big answer, it’s about the addition, the Mishna tells us that on this day Divine Presence. Tu B’av is about separation little reasons. If we can be grateful for all the the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in and re-unification, distance and return. The small chasadim (kindnesses), we can build a borrowed white clothing and dance in the knowledge that Hashem is One, creates unity. genuine relationship with Hashem. fields and matches were made. But the In the past we sensed this oneness and in the Gemara alludes to something deeper. It tells future we will once again experience it. This is The Gemara calls both Yom Kippur and Tu us about the marriage bond between Hashem the meaning of the Gemara that the tzadikim B’av Yamim Tovim. Tov connotes something and the Jews. In the future, the tzadikim will will dance in a circle. A circle is equidistant lasting. Yom tov is an elevated day whose form a circle in Gan Eden and dance and from the center. In the future world there will qualities transcend time. It represents eternity point to Hashem and say, “Zeh Hashem kivini be total unity. Each tzadik will be able to see even amidst adversity. Yom Kippur is about lo (This is Hashem, we have put our faith in from the vantage point of his friend. This too is forgiveness of sin. Likewise Tu’ Bav, which Him).” What does dancing signify and why why the daughters of Tzion went out in follows close on the heels of Tisha B’av, did the women in particular celebrate? What borrowed clothing. Borrowing clothes signifies signifies rebirth from destruction. is the significance of borrowed clothing? Why friendship and harmony. does the Gemara give six reasons for the The common thread between Tu B’av and Yom

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visit us online at: www.naaleh.com | for questions, suggestions, or dedication opportunities, email [email protected] 1 Dedicated in memory of Rachel Leah bat R' Chaim Tzvi

Volume 3 Number 24 Special Tu B'Av Shidduch Edition Brought to you by Naaleh.com Secrets of Shalom Bayit-For Women Based on a Naaleh.com shiur by Rabbi Beinish Ginsburg

In Sichot Mussar, Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz door. It helps set the tone for the rest of the When you need to give constructive criticism, notes that the angels emphasized ’s day. sandwich it with praise. Start and end with modesty to Avraham in order to make her positive words. more beloved to him. Avraham and Sarah had Let him talk first, before you unload your been married for many years and yet the complaints and grievances. Rav Dessler says that the root word of ahava Torah tells the story to teach us the (love) is hav (to give). Giving generates love. significance of shalom bayit (marital People are not robots. They have ups and Investing in your husband will help you feel like harmony). downs and are affected by emotions. Give one unit. A practical working definition of love your husband a small snack to eat on the way is-“If it matters to you, it matters to me.” Put Rav Orlowek teaches that the secret to good home. Then even if dinner isn’t ready, he’ll be yourself in your husband’s shoes and prioritize chinuch (child-raising) is shalom bayit. When calm. It’s important to get enough sleep. Catch the things a that mean a lot to him. there is a happy wholesome home a quick nap during the day so you feel atmosphere, children thrive. refreshed when your husband gets in. Don’t interrupt your husband when he’s learning. With learning you accomplish much The following are some of Rav Orloweck’s tips Try to be forgiving. You are both partners trying more if there’s continuity without breaks or for increasing shalom bayit: to create a wonderful Torah home. In the big stops. Wait till he finishes. picture, he’s doing all these great things for Be dan l’kaf zechut (judge favorably). It’s not you. Overlook the minor mistakes. Timing is important. Don’t try to discuss difficult because your husband doesn’t care. He grew issues when your husband is tired, hungry, or up in another home where things were done Disagreements very often arise because of under pressure. differently. Don’t take it personally. It’s hard to lack of communication. Women are more change in an instant. Find a positive way to intuitive than men. You think your husband got Help him spend time with you. Be available remind him what irks you. Make a big sign, it when he really didn’t and then you get upset. when your husband frees up his schedule for discuss it, work it out so there’s a plan that fits If you didn’t say it, he didn’t hear it. The same you. both of you. Make it fun instead of getting goes for compliments. Be specific. Thank your upset. husband for the little acts of thoughtfulness One of the most crucial times to practice and he’ll do it again. shalom bayit is at the table. This is Disappointment is the difference between when our children see us interacting. What we expectation and reality. Visualize your Men and women are very different. Women say and how we say it is crucial. Husband and husband coming home tired and moody. It find satisfaction in raising and discussing wife must treat each other with respect. If a won’t be such a letdown if he really does get issues. Men tend to focus on getting to the wife doesn’t respect her husband, the children angry or doesn’t respond. This is not being point and finding solutions. Be aware of this won’t respect their father either. And that’s not pessimistic, just broadening your expecta- and don’t get frustrated if your husband healthy. It’s important that children have role tions. doesn’t automatically think like you. It’s just the models and authority figures in their life and way Hashem created us. parents should be central among them. Smile when your husband walks through the

Achieving Balance: Class#1 Excerpted from Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller’s Question and Answer series on Naaleh.com

Question: before simchot. I’m invited to a lot of simchot deep. I like to put my family first, and rarely because I teach marriageable-age girls. I’ve participate in simchot in the evenings. My learned that it’s ok to stay five minutes, wish the If it’s important to your husband that you husband feels strange going alone, even baalat simcha Mazel Tov, and leave. This means accompany him, set aside time for this either though they are all separate seating. Am I that oftentimes I manage to be back home within weekly or bi-weekly. As Rebbetzin Esther wrong for staying home? Do I need to an hour. If this works for you, it’s a good solution. Greenberg would often say; “When you talk respect my husband’s feelings and make the I’m not advocating not going to simchot because about family first, husbands are number one effort to accompany him? it makes such a huge difference to the baal before children.” You have to respect your Answer: simcha for people to share in their joy. The need husband’s wishes and your children should see Kudos for putting your family first, they do come to belong to a group larger than oneself is very you doing that.

Help support Naaleh by searching the web! For more information visit www.iGive/Naaleh.com & www.iSearchiGive/Naaleh.com visit us online at: www.naaleh.com | for questions, suggestions, or dedication opportunities, email [email protected] 2