Summer Issue a Tale of Two Lincolns

SEPTEMBER, 2004 VOLUME XXI ISSUE XIV & XV A JOURNAL OF OPINION Summer Issue A Tale of Two Lincolns

Plus: Tater Awards Staff Farewells and Year in Review MISSION STATEMENT

The OREGON COMMENTATOR is an independent journal of opinion published at the University of Oregon for the campus community. FOUNDED SEPT. 27, 1983 • MEMBER COLLEGIATE NETWORK Founded by a group of concerned student journalists Sept. 27 1983, the COMMENTATOR has had a major impact in the “war of ideas” on campus, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF PUBLISHER Tyler Graf Erin Flood providing students with an alternative to the left-wing orthodoxy promoted by other student publications, professors and student groups. During its nineteen-year existence, it has enabled University students to hear both sides of issues. Our paper combines reporting with opinion, PRODUCTION MANAGER Jeremy Jones humor and feature articles. We have won national recognition for our commitment to journalistic excellence. The OREGON COMMENTATOR is operated as a program of the Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO) and is staffed

CONTRIBUTING EDITOR solely by volunteer editors and writers. The paper is funded through Dan Atkinson student incidental fees, advertising revenue and private donations. We print a wide variety of material, but our main purpose is to show students that a political philosophy of conservatism, free thought and individual liberty is an intelligent way of looking at the world — contrary to what they might hear in classrooms and on campus. In general, editors of the CONTRIBUTORS COMMENTATOR share beliefs in the following: Jeremy Berrington, Ben Brown, Matt Haulk, Dave Kirk , Matt Misley, Olly Ruff • We believe that the University should be a forum for rational and BOARD OF DIRECTORS informed debate — instead of the current climate in which ideological Tyler Graf, Chairman dogma, political correctness, fashion and mob mentality interfere with Dan Atkinson, Director, Olly Ruff, Director academic pursuit. ALUMNI ADVISORY BOARD Thomas Mann ʻ88, Charles H. Deister ʻ92 R.S.D Wederquist ʻ92, Scott Camp ʻ94 • We emphatically oppose totalitarianism and its apologists. Ed Carson ʻ94, Owen Brennan Rounds ʻ95 Mark Hemingway ʻ98, Andrew Oberriter ʻ98 • We believe that it is important for the University community to view William Beutler ʻ02 the world realistically, intelligently and, above all, rationally. BOARD OF TRUSTEES Richard Burr, Dane Claussen Robert Davis • We believe that any attempt to establish utopia is bound to meet with failure and, more often than not, disaster. The OREGON COMMENTATOR is a conservative journal of opinion. All signed essays and commentaries herein represent • We believe that while it would be foolish to praise or agree mindlessly the opinions of the writers and not necessarily the opinions of with everything our nation does, it is both ungrateful and dishonest not this magazine or its staff. The COMMENTATOR is an independent publication and the Oregon Commentator Publishing Co., Inc. to acknowledge the tremendous blessings and benefits we receive as is an independent corporation; neither are affiliated with the Americans. University of Oregon nor its School of Journalism. And, contrary to popular, paranoid opinion, we are in no way affiliated with the • We believe that free enterprise and economic growth, especially at the CIA, FBI, or the Council on Foreign Relations. local level, provide the basis for a sound society. The OREGON COMMENTATOR accepts letters to the editor and commentaries from students, faculty and staff at the University of Oregon, or anyone else for that matter. Letters and commentaries • We believe that the University is an important battleground in the may be submitted personally to Room 205 EMU; placed in our “war of ideas” and that the outcome of political battles of the future are, mailbox in Suite 4 EMU; or e-mailed to editor@oregoncomment to a large degree, being determined on campuses today. ator.com. The OREGON COMMENTATOR can be found on the world wide web at http://www.oregoncommentator.com. We reserve the right to edit material we find obscene, libelous, • We believe that a code of honor, integrity, pride and rationality are the inappropriate or lengthy. We are not obliged to print anything that fundamental characteristics for individual success. does not suit us. Unsolicited material will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission • Socialism guarantees the right to work. However, we believe that the constitutes testimony as to the accuracy. right not to work is fundamental to individual liberty. Apathy is a human right. Tim’s Farewell TheTater Awards Our former editorʼs final words before leaving us with little more than empty whiskey bottles Page 8 and this rag. Page 14

Year In Review Sho’s Ferewell After seven long years, Sho has finally said Page 17 goodbye. Page 16 A Tale of Two Lincolns Olly Ruff and Courtney Sweet evaluate the Jeremy’s Farewell graffiti at a few local watering holes. The true story of the guy you all thought you Page 10 knew. Page 20 What I Learned in the J-School DEPARTMENTS The Wieden controversy left us with some EDITORIAL 4 mixed messages. Jeremy Jones helps us sort NOBODY ASKED US, BUT... 6 ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE 25 them out. SPEW 46 Page 23 April 29, 2004 Copyright ©2003 Oregon Commentator Publishing Co., Inc.

More tighter means more better. Editorial

Much Ado About MarissaWieden Jones and the ODE made a big deal out of the Dan Wieden workshop, insisting that they were breaking a huge story. But was it really an outrage or just a clever end-of-the-year fl ourish for the Emerald?

s the 2003-2004 school year wound down, Dan Wieden, Itʼs possible. Wieden is one of the most infl uential advertis- co-founder of the world famous Wieden + Kennedy ad- ing gurus in the world. Who can forget the Wieden-created “Just vertising fi rm and a University alum, ensnared himself in Do It” Nike ads? – an ad campaign that took sports machismo Acontroversy over the values taught at his annual seminar, whose and elevated it to near-operatic heights of absurdity. This sense theme was confronting fears. According to Emerald columnist of absurdity, often played for chuckles, helped brand Nike as hip, Marissa Jones, who broke the story in a May 24 column, the work- inculcating it in the minds of the coveted 18-24 demographic. And shop forced students to sacrifi ce their personal code of ethics. it was a risky move, too. Students in the workshop were fi rst asked to admit their fears. So it is not hyperbole to call Wieden a true leader in his fi eld. The usual responses were given: public speaking, being nude in Many of todayʼs most popular ads have either been inspired by public, monkeys, etc. The students were then required to face Wiedenʼs work, or have been created by his fi rm. Wither Mt. their fears while documenting the event. Jones considered many Dewʼs ADHD-affl icted, soda guzzling skydivers/BMX bikers/ of the tasks to be degrading and unethical. In her opinion, Wieden mountain climbers, whose own catchphrase, “DO THE DEW”, was using his students as puppets for his own was screamed at such a plate-glass-window- enjoyment. shattering decibel that you could almost hear That should have been the end of the story, an entire nation pressing the mute button in right? One columnist, nettled by one instruc- unison, without Wiedenʼs “Just Do It” cam- torʼs assignment to do something deemed un- paign? And Iʼd love to believe that somehow ethical (in fact, the students were merely given Wieden inspired Slim Jim to have a splotchy- suggestions on what they could do), writes a faced Macho Man Randy Savage hawk its breathless column denouncing a class as crass coagulated lard and beef-anus-stuffed jerky and sleazy. One must remember that Jones was product by drunkenly intoning “Snap into the same columnist who denounced increased a Slim Jim! Oh Yeeeeaaah!” after bursting security at airports – security, mind you, that through a childʼs bedroom wall. prevents terrorists from killing us – because This, folks, is the world of advertising, it has taken all the romance out of fl ying. But where intensity trumps good taste, and where Jonesʼs Wieden workshop column was only the performing X-Treme acts of stupidity will be germination of the controversy. The Olʼ Dirty celebrated as good, clean fun. Emerald, sensing a good old-fashioned end of If you fi nd advertising obnoxius, as most year brouhaha, decided to use the story as its reasonable people do, then donʼt go into the 2004 capstone. In an article published on May fi eld of advertising and then complain that it is 28, the Emerald wrote: “When some students Above: Dan Wieden in a soul-stealing succubus. Wiedenʼs workshop raised concerns about the controversial assign- a publicity photo for the is not required, making Jonesʼs frustrations ments -- which require students to videotape with the class even more ridiculous. their activity, such as playing Twister with a Broadway revival of The And when the local media picked up the trucker or objecting at a wedding -- journalism Eyes of Doctor Mabuse. story (a version of the Emerald article ran in school faculty and administrators explained The Seattle Times and The Register-Guard, that the workshop is intended to get students to and two Portland TV stations ran segments think beyond the task.” about it) they conveniently focused on not just the heroism of a Who exactly were these other students? The only student student standing up to a well-respected, famous instructor but also quoted in the article was Joe Leineweber, the guy made momen- the bravery involved in writing about it. tarily famous for streaking through Laurelwood Municipal Golf Tim Gleason, dean of the journalism school, at fi rst defended Course for Wiedenʼs workshop, and whose bare-ass photograph Wieden, and then apologized for the workshop. Thus, the Emerald of the incident graced the front page of the Emerald. If there were had won its pendantic victory, and amateur advertising ethicist other students who had the same concerns as Jones why didnʼt they Marissa Jones had publicly chastised a leading advertiser. speak up? Was it because they had been blinded by the Jesus-like But who was the real winner in all this? Dan Widen, of course. aura surrounding Wieden? He got a hell of a lot of advertising out of this.

4 Oregon Commentator Great Values ‐‐ Hurry In

An OREGON COMMENTATOR Exclusive Act Now and Pick Up An Application Guaranteed for ultimate satisfaction! 2-11 Steel Reserve is We are currently accepting applications for a variety possibly the world’s fi nest “High Gravity” lager. Brewed in ac- of staff positions. cordance with ancient traditions passed down by beer-loving European Monks, this fi ne lager is known for its fruity aroma Investigative Journalists and sensuous color. If you can fi nd a better malt beverage, we’ll call you a goddamn scumbag! Columnists It’s time for the taste sensation that’s sweeping the nation!!! Copy editors

Run, don’t walk, to our offi ce, located at 319 EMU. Find out about Graphic artists our shockingly low prices. “How low are your prices?” you ask. They are so low that if the OLCC knew they would fucking ex- Act Now!!! ecute us!!!

***Notice: The Oregon Commentatorʼs 2-11 deal is not applicable for residents of Tennessee, Utah, the U.S. Virgin Islands and certain counties in Kansas. Side effects of the 2-11 deal have been documented in the Whitteaker neighborhood, but the in- cidences have been low. The side effects include dry mouth, blurry vision, gaseous belly, copious vomitting, coke-colored stool, distended rectum and death. The OCʼs application deal, on the other hand, leads to one thing -- success. Summer 2004 5 Sudsy Mourning and Moving On An icon passes... A new mascot and a new start. What prominent publications Although nobody could really fi ll the space in our hearts left by the are saying about the loss of passing of a gigantic sentient mug of beer, we at the OREGON COMMEN- Sudsy TATOR feel that the time is right to move on and find a suitable replace- Oregon Daily Emerald: [S]udsy was initially ment. Applicants have come from all over the world to try and be the turned down for a job at the Emerald after next OC mascot. After a rigorous application process, testing every- he wrote an above-the-fold freelance story, thing from alcohol tolorance to general commie hating, we proudly “Indonesia Night Offers Free Food, Indo- present the fi nalists. nesians”, which was nothing more than a long string of profanities... He was also well Name: Ballistro known for hanging around our offi ce so he Occupation: Soldier of Fortune, Gay Club could leer at the female copy editors. Owner He’s About to explode...on the dance fl oor! Bruce Miller, in a typed letter slipped under our door: Sudsie [sic] was a good, respect- You wanna know where his gun is? Clue: It’s able mascot for the OC gang!!! He was very in the towel. receptive to my ideas... understood the role of the University for students. We had many dis- cussions abOut how the Oregon Educational System is producing alarmingly illiterit[sic] Name: Daddy Bear kids. hE was also not afraid to take a stand, Occupation: Alcoholic, Porn Star unlike most of the OCʼs present editors. One Check out all the hot Daddy Bear action at time I saw Sudsi [sic] spit beer right into Anne Leavittʼs face. For these reasons, and www.bearsatwork.net. Think about it; wouldn’t many others, I give Sudsy [fi nally]a 7 out of it be worth the small online fee to see Daddy 10. Dan Williams can rot in hell!!! Bear do more than just drink Coors Light and punch his wife in the face? New York Times: Sudsy had the innate ability to escape blame for even his most deviant activities. Hence Sudsy became known as Name: Senor Farfl es the “Tefl on Mascot.” … Thomas Cronin, Occupation: Stealing beer from picnic McHugh Professor of American Institutions baskets at Colorado College, accused Sudsy of being “too little too late when it came to human Ah...how cute. All he wants is a banana rights abuses at home and abroad ... he was daiquiri, and maybe some cocaine. Where can not willing to be a leader … vomiting on cats the silly ol’ bear fi nd some cocaine? is not leadership.”

Jonah Goldberg writing in the National Review: In death, Sudsy gets little reprieve Name: Stumpy from the leftist media; the crapulent feckweasels masquerading as journalists Occupation: Amputated Leg have been quick to label Sudsy a drunk, a It feels like it’s still there! degenerate or worse. What these pundits donʼt see are the positive changes made by the Oregon Commentatorʼs malty mascot …

6 Oregon Commentator Nobody Asked Us But... BREAKING NEWS RUSSIA REVERTS TO COMMUNISM AFTER REAGANʼS DEATH... THE ASKS: SHOCKING: PUTIN RIPS OFF FACE TO REVEAL AN AGED BUT SPRIGHTLY ANDROPOV... What Did DECLARES: “THE RUSE IS OVER, SUCKERS!” THEN CACKLES MANIACALLY You Do This

RYAN NYBERG WRITES, EDITS PULSE SECTION Summer? ALONE. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FEWER ENTERTAIN- MENT STORIES ABOUT TREES. SUCKING, HOWEVER, TILL UARANTEED S G Don Goldman I subverted the dominate paradigm, through which the male-governed hegemony prospered. And now, AD IGOROUS EX ITH OUR OM LOOD I H V S W Y M . B thanks to me, all the children can laugh and frolick, TESTS STILL PENDING and all the colors of the rainbow can unite into a harmonious whole ... I also smoked a lot of pot. Adam Petkun Failed GTFF Contract Stipulations I did an in depth investigation into “what was going on”. The results: inconclusive. Eric Lindgrin gets fi rst crack at barely eighteen co-eds

Toby Hill-Meyer GTFF building becomes own sovereign nation, United Graduate Socialist Republic I got sick of my penis oppressing me.

GTFF given sole authority over Dave Frohnmayer’s health; two week waiting period to use the GTFF- Maddy Melton owned defi bulator I cut off Tobyʼs penis.

Friendly Hall changed to Insufferable Bastard Hall

All underclassmen must refer to GTFs as ... Daddy. Eddy Morales Keep Maddy away from my penis. Rennie’s annexed as satellite state of the UGSR

All Writing 121 classes must be taught in a Chinese Robocop opium den. You know, I shot a guy in the penis once. Take that, Maddy! Ian Crosswhite

HEIGHTWATCH Ian Crosswhite I cut my legs off at the knees. Now what are THIS ISSUE: you gonna do, you bastards? ????????? CUT OFF AT KNEES; SELF MUTILATION

Summer 2004 7

Debacle of The Year: MAN OF THE YEAR: ASUO defunds tHE EMERALD MADDY MELTON

In the wake of the ODE’s unsympathetic coverage of the Eddy If the University of Oregon had any institutional memory at all, Morales assault case, the ASUO mounted a doomed campaign then Maddy Melton would go down in history as the worst ASUO to defund the publication. The ASUO had the barest shred of an executive ever. Of course, would you expect the Commentator to argument, claiming that the ODE’s off-campus distribution was say any less? At this point, we feel like the boy who cried wolf. fiscally irresponsible. You see, one can pick up a copy of the Ol’ You’ve heard it before from this crowd, so don’t take our word Dirty as far off campus as the LTD station, which means that it for it; listen to the rest of the campus community. Con Court does not benefit students exclusively. Compare that to OSPIRG, Justice Stephen Yoshida wrote this of Melton: “This court has been hamstrung by the vacancy perpetuated by the inattention however, which sends all of its money off campus and which and active contempt of President Melton. The president has benefits only a handful of petition-hawking interns and you will not fulfilled her duties and therefore is unfit to hold the present understand the petulance behind this personal vendetta . office.” The Oregon Daily Emerald wrote an editorial celebrating Melton’s departure from office declaring “Good Riddance”. And Adam Petkun, the incoming ASUO Executive, who inherited a large deficit from Melton, was obviously perturbed when the student senate asked him about the deficits and he answered, “I wish we could ask those questions to the past Executives.” Thus, we bestow unto Maddy Melton the Man of the Year Award.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR: Eddy morales Aside from giving us some great material to chuckle about in the office late at night, and giving women yet another reason to steer clear of Taylor’s, our Woman of the Year has been the regular ineffectual ASUO executive. If there is one equation that has been proven true again and again in suite 4, it’s that big dreams combined with pure unadulterated stupidity ends in failure. Eddy may not have steered the plane into the mountain, (you can thank our Man of the Year for that) but she didn’t do a whole lot to steer the damn thing back on course. But to be fair, she was kind of busy, what with using University resources against a fellow student in order to weasel her way out of a trial and all. Even without this distraction, it would be hard to picture Eddy doing anything but falling asleep in the co-pilot seat whilst Maddy performed her kamikaze routine with the ASUO. So for accomplishing nothing aside from not being found guilty of a crime, we bestow the honor of Woman of the Year to Eddy Morales.

Professor of the Year: Rising Star: Tim Gleason Aaron Shakra

During times of crisis, a person has a couple choices: Either What can we really say about a man who has provided us stand fast to what you believe in and take on the world with with more material than some people who are actual staff some determination and iron will -- also known as the honorable members of the OC? For the past year, Shakra has been approach -- or dive behind a fire hydrant and whimper like an like an icon to us. He was a journalistic train wreck…and injured puppy while a dark stain spreads through your trousers. not just a simple derailing. No, this bastard flew off the This is known as the Tim Gleason approach. Granted, there tracks, hit a truck hauling flammable chemicals, and were some very valid concerns about the Wieden workshop, and careened into a gas station setting off an explosion that it could have potentially damaged the reputation of the J-school could be felt in orbit -- much to our constant amusement, I if handled poorly. However, Gleason’s non-confrontational policy isn’t exactly what we would call handling the situation might add. His wandering and pretentiously poetic prose well. For being a spineless wussy, along with possessing a pair was often brought into the bar by staff members squealing of testicles that can disappear at the speed of light, we bestow the in glee at the prospect of picking apart every word and honor of Professor of the Year to Tim Gleason. laughing until it hurt. It is for this reason that we bestow the honor of Rising Star to Aaron Shakra.

8 Oregon Commentator Honorable Mentions

Adam Petkun OLCC The First Annual Adam Petkun “I Donʼt Know Whatʼs Going On” Crary Nation Award Award

Mena Ravassipour Jarrett White Why Am I Here? Award Robert E. Lee Award

Aimee Rudin Toby Hill-Meyer This Ventured Beyond Tree-Hugging to Actual Tree-Fucking Ze Can Fuck Hirself Award Award

Ben Strawn Scott Austin Stop Calling My Mom, Bruce Should Not Be Allowed Near Middle Schools

Bruce Miller Erica Hass By This Time Next Year Iʼll Be Writing for The Daily Astorian The Chuck Wepner Honorary “Going the Distance” Award Award

Sigma Alpha Epsilon Ian Crosswhite The Golden Ruffi e Award Stoical Indifference to Running Jokes

Brian Stubbs PSST I know what youʼre thinking. Did he fi re six shots or only fi ve? The what the fuck were you guys thinking!? I mean, honestly, did Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, Iʼve kinda lost all ofyou people just get high and vote these people in as a joke?? track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most power- Do you have any idea of the shit that the rest of us are going to ful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, have to put up with next year? Itʼs going to be like taking a pizza youʼve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do order from a group of guys who are too stoned to even know ya punk? Award what goes on a pizza...or what one looks like for that matter! God! What the fucking hell is wrong with you people? Award.

Boscoe Vallenzuella I Wish This Guy Would Fucking Die Award ... on second thought, perhaps that is a personal matter. Fucking bookies!

All winners are entitled to one (1) free small sandwhich at the fi fth street Quiznoʼs. Ask for Flavio.

Summer 2004 9 The Writing on the Wall

Photos and Story by Olly Ruff and Courtney Sweet

0,000 years ago, a Cro-Magnon man squatted over a hole in it something like this: “I want to remind girls of their ability to his cave, squeezing out a loaf with a look of stern con- fulfill their potential and make their own destiny in the world, and sternation. Suddenly he wished he hadnʼt eaten all those the bathroom at Luckeyʼs is the perfect forum for this sentiment. 5fermented berries. He had been there a long time, squatting, his Also, it would be really neat if I could make it rhyme!” My second mind zeroed in on the duty at hand, which made him bored. Ly- thought was that a) I choose Joaquin Phoenix as my husband, and ing on the groundwas a piece of pummace. He took it, looked it b) I feel you should never be allowed near a Sharpie again. Will over, and suddenly got the greatest idea he had ever had, even one day I be able to make those two real? I hope so, honey. God better than the whole cooking with fire notion, which, to be hon- I hope so. est, the Cro-Magnon man was never too keen on. In the clutter of graffiti, I was only able to find one redeeming The man began drawing hieroglyphics on the caveʼs wall, line: “Peace Love Unity Respect and Fuck You,” accompanied by which, when they were translated, declared “Aktu smells like he a small happy face. Thatʼs the kind of sentiment I can get behind. fisted a Whooly mammoth”. Many of the words were misspelled, Hereʼs a girl who is saying, yeah, these ideals are great and every- and thus bathroom graffiti was born. thing, and what youʼre trying to express is well-intentioned, but Intrepid reporters Olly Ruff and Courtney Sweet decided to yʼall suck. Fuck off. traverse Eugeneʼs varied bar-scape, armed with only a camara and their journalistic couriosity. What they found on those sun- Men: dry, urin-soaked walls was writing so elegant and nuanced that it makes Pynchonʼs Gravityʼs Rainbow read like fanfiction posted The men of Luckeyʼs, on the other hand, have formulated to a newsgroup. They also found a few surprises ... [ed.] an altogether more compelling philosophy. Inspired by Lindsay Andersonʼs seminal “O Lucky Man!” and propelled forth by 25c Luckeyʼs Pabst, they have woven a tapestry of graffiti that will be of value to cultural anthropologists for many years to come. They have forged Women: in the smithy of their souls the un- collected conscience of our city. Ahh, Luckeyʼs. The bar for positive Hmm. All I really have to affirmations. Most of the crap scribbled substantiate the above is “Charlie on the back of the door here is the same Likes It In The Butt”, so never clichés you usually see on a so-called mind. Thereʼs some good stuff inspirational poster with a picture of a in the margins, though. “Be mountain, except with less attention paid Assertive,” we are told, “Eat to the basic rules of the English language. Your Parents”. “Kill Your Idols When Iʼm pissing away $12 worth of gin Before They Let You Down” is and tonics, the last thing I want to be look- more solid advice. The Luckeyʼs ing at is “Positive energy creaty constant menʼs room seems to have a fairly elevation”. Yes, “creaty”. Did she mean down-to-earth view of things “creates”? “Creativity”? The world will – there isnʼt even a judgmental or never know. condemnatory overtone to their In the category of “Totally Mind- comment about Charlie. Theyʼre Blowing to a Hippie Whoʼs Never Had an just saying, as a purely informa- Original Thought in Her Life,” I nominate tional thing, that he likes it in the the following: “Choose what you like / butt. Thereʼs lighthearted cama- Feel what you feel / Maybe one day / You raderie, too: look no further than can make it all Real”. When I read this, “God Bless Los Big Drunk Ass- two things came into my head. First, I holes Del Norte – Your Favorite wondered what this girlʼs thought pro- Cunt Junta”. In fact, stare at it for cess was when she decided to write this a while trying to figure out what particular pseudo-poetic passage. I see the hell a “cunt junta” is. 10 Oregon Commentator Feature

The fi rst hint of the maudlin introspection essential toany embarrassing for him.) place where men come together to drink alcohol and be cruelly Some less ambiguous graffi ti was about Jillian, probably spurned by women (I mean the bar in general, not the menʼs bath- referring to the bartender at the Indigo District. Someone wrote room in particular) is captured in the phrase “Hey – remember about her, “Jillian is so hot oh my god.” Jillian is a very nice-look- when this place was the best there was?” Wiping away a tear, we ing girl and friendly, so Iʼm glad she gets the recognition. At the continue. same time, total unambiguous writing isnʼt terribly interesting, so Iʼll move on. John Henryʼs Many, many other peopleʼs names appeared on these bathroom walls, some in good ways and some not. Someone has a Women: crush on Ken Roberts; someone thinks Ross “likes to get down and dirty”. ABBA is “a mighty fi ne kisser; He is aggressive but pas- The overall theme of the girlʼs room at John Henryʼs seemed sionate.” Bethany, Chris Y., Randy, Lisa, Mannie and the PB Army to be sex. I donʼt know if itʼs the red and black walls, the testos- all get mentioned. For overall entertainment value, John Henryʼs terone-laden bouncers, or maybe the STD-riddled patronage, but womenʼs bathroom does fairly well, but a little diversity could sex was clearly on the minds of these defi nitely improve things. Sharpie-wielding women. My favorite quote reads, “[Un- Men: known] is a big fat skanky whore!” to which someone replied, “I know! She When the lights are fl ashing, fucked my boyfriend and gave him a the music is playing, and there are scorching case of goneherpesiphilaids!” twenty people lining up to piss, (Note: there used to be a name at the itʼs hard to spend hours worrying beginning there, but itʼs been scratched over the perfect graffi ti item. More out and scribbled over. Obese, loose so than the other bathrooms under women of Eugene rejoice; your secret consideration here, John Henryʼs is remains safe.) While Iʼm no medical the domain of the sticker, and at the doctor, I do believe that having gonor- risk of sounding overly conserva- rhea, herpes, syphilis and AIDS all at tive, this robs the form of much of the same time and then passing those its spontaneity and passion. How- aforementioned diseases onto another ever, “OSAMA DONʼT SURF” is girlʼs boyfriend (in “scorching” form, funny, and there is no shortage of no less) does in fact qualify you as a old-school Sharpie bandits willing real skank. I personally appreciate the to take up the slack. time these women took to inform the Also, this was the fi rst menʼs public as to this particular girlʼs status. room in which we (or I, since we Those of you who scratched out the offi gured the whole project was fending girlʼs name, thereby nullifying already dodgy-looking enough this good deed and public service: for without straying across gender shame! boundaries) encountered the hero Another interesting aspect of the of this piece, known to us as Abe graffi ti in this bathroom is the promi- Lincoln Guy. His work here consists nence of local bartenders and/or bar of a giant silver caricature of Abe security. “Cronk can go like a race Lincoln, looking fairly pleased with horse. He is a man who knows what himself. To clear up any ambiguity, he likes!” someone wrote about the a speech bubble announces “ABE head of security at John Henryʼs. Iʼm LINCOLN, BIATCH!” not sure what “go like a race horse” Needless to say, we approve of is supposed to mean, as the only time Iʼve really heard the com- this. parison specifi cally to a racehorse is in the expression “piss like a Other honorable mentions here range from the classic “It racehorse”. Since she most likely did not mean “go” in that sense, Smells Funny In Here” to the perhaps boastful “Captain Punk Iʼm left trying to understand why she compared him specifi cally Rock” to the creepily poetic “Ancient Toys Should Stay On The to a racehorse. From what I understand, horse races last only a Shelf”. Already, the menʼs graffi ti was displaying a markedly more couple minutes or so; is this girl trying to imply he can only go as elegiac touch. Are we the ancient toys? Is it a band name? Some- long as that? The second part of this graffi ti does seem to indicate thing to do with “Toys In The Attic”? Or are they just saying that the overall tone should be complimentary, however, so maybe the we shouldnʼt get with older women? So many questions. poor girl who wrote this just didnʼt realize the underlying implica- tion of what she wrote. Too bad for Cronk. (There is a rumor that Horsehead Cronk himself may have written this particular graffi ti, which, in light of this analysis, I sure hope isnʼt true. That would be pretty Women: Summer 2004 11 Finally, a bar with some interesting graffiti. One of the first things any girl will notice when she gets into the bathroom here is the faces painted inside the stalls. Dark red, blue, and green, these faces are, while well-done, pretty creepy. My favorite graffiti conversation begins with a (summarized) quote from Fight Club: “You are not special or unique.” Iʼm not terribly impressed by the girl who decided to write this quote. While the overall point is valid, there is “not unique,” and there is “so not unique that the only thing I can think to write on the bathroom wall is misquoted from a Brad Pitt movie adapted from an overdone book by that (not enough people are willing to say this, though deep down we all know it) total hack Palahniuk.” Regardless, I believe this girl was put in her place when someone wrote, in response to her Fight Club reference, “You, sir, have obviously not seen my sideways vagina”. How can you argue with that? Clearly, someone with a sideways vagina is both special and unique. Next comes a quote, very dubiously attributed to W. Churchill, saying, “We are all worms, but I am a glow worm”. Mostly I like this quote because I had a glow worm when I was younger, and I thought it was really awesome, but nobody seems to remember them now except “I Love the ʻ80s”. Same with Snorks! I had pink Snork slippers. Those things ruled, but all anyone ever remembers is the frigginʼ Smurfs. Communists. There are some echoes of John Henryʼs here, notably in the graffiti “Butt sex is good! DO IT NOW!” The capitalization of that last part kinda creeps me out, because the whole tone moves from making a friendly recommendation to demanding that ladies, a drink. right that instant, in the bathroom, have butt sex. (Which seems Lincoln notwithstanding, the male patrons of the Horse Head like an intriguing porn scenario, actually.) Another girl declared, are a dimensional bunch, capable of high drama and low comedy “I have the best pussy.” Personally, I take this as a credible asser- and prone to all kinds of zany wordplay and hijinks. They abuse tion. After all, who would declare her pussy to be the best without each other and themselves. We canʼt tell whether their “Fuck Whit- having irrefutable proof? The Eugene community should be proud ey” refers to all white people, or just to one guy named Whitey. to have such a gifted woman in our midst. They tease us with “What happened to my Sharpie? Oh, here it is”, and then they titillate us with “I Am The King Of No Pants”. Mis- Men: ter, thatʼs a hell of a claim, and we look forward to you stepping up and proving it at this yearʼs statewide No Pants Tournament. Regardless of your gender, the Horse Head is a quality desti- [which would presumably be referred to as a “Pants-off” – ed.] nation for all your bathroom graffiti needs. Imagine our delight at They allude to classic literature with “Mistah Kurtz… he dead” finding that Abe Lincoln Guy had beaten us here. This rendering – predating the death of Brando, incidentally – and then they chal- of the Great Emancipator is smaller, more subdued, a Lincoln from lenge us with philosophical questions of high order: “Why does the end of the night after a couple of shots too many. The explana- God hate me? Why am I compelled to order nachos?” One leaves tory speech bubble here has him saying “KILL ME”. If youʼre the menʼs room of the Horse Head feeling, frankly, drained. And out there, Abe Lincoln Guy, stop by the office and weʼll buy you with a strange compulsion to order the nachos.

12 Oregon Commentator After the fieldwork for this piece was completed, Maxʼs Maxʼs closed for at least the next few months. The bar and the booths are, at time of writing, absent. Even worse, a priceless repository Women: of bathroom graffiti has been lost to the ages. As a wise man once wrote: “Old punks never die – they just come to Maxʼs”. If youʼve never Once there, the bar staff gave them Sharpies with which to ex- been to the bathroom press themselves, and thank God for that. Otherwise, I wouldnʼt in Maxʼs, youʼve never have spent four years of quality urinal time staring up at the slo- really lived. Itʼs sort of gan “Jibliminis! Once! Now! Always! The coolest band spelled like training for visiting with a bunch of Is!” and wondering what they sounded like. a third world country, The comment “God fucks little boys” is hard to contextual- where the bathroom is ize. I only hope that it is intended as a condemnation of God nothing but a hole in rather than the artistʼs claim to be in good company. the floor: squat, touch Beyond that, there is some political debate, Eugene-style. as little as possible, and “Remember capitalism – wasnʼt it fun?” someone asks. “Only try to hold your breath. when we burned it,” comes the response. However, these condi- On the way out to the bar, someone tions are apparently has inscribed the proverb “No matter perfect for creating how smart, funny and beautiful she is, excellent bathroom someone somewhere is sick of her shit”. graffiti. But my personal favorite, painstakingly First, thereʼs the scrawled on the ceiling from what must declaration that “Cowboys ride for free!” have been a fairly awkward position on I doubt this girl is talking about a mechan- top of the sink, is the rallying cry for all ical bull. However, one must question the brave men with Sharpies: “Itʼs A Bitch sincerity of her statement. After all, how To Write Like This”. Equally validly, many cowboys are there in Eugene? She someone has pointed out, adjacent to might as well have said, “People with rea- the previous remark, that “Itʼs Wrong sonable political beliefs ride for free!” or To Bitch Like This”. We wish Maxʼs “People who think Bob Marley is maybe a speedy recovery. And once the bar is a little overrated ride for free!” It just restored to greatness, is it too much to doesnʼt happen. wish that Abe Lincoln Guy might be Then thereʼs one of the more disturb- brought in for some mural work? No. ing pieces of graffiti, where some poor We donʼt think it is too much to wish. girl wrote, “I canʼt stop peeing! Someone Olly Ruff and Courtney Sweet never help me!” One would think that actually want to use a bar bathroom again. calling for help would have been more ef- Seriously fective than writing it on the wall, but as the girl was not still in the stall peeing, I must assume she eventually received the assistance she required. Good for her. I also found a place where someone asked the inevitable question, “What kind of shitter comes with a marker?!” Ap- parently, Maxʼs used to supply its bathroom-going patrons with Sharpies for their vandalizing pleasure. It may seem like a strange thing for a bar to do, but their graffiti is the most worthwhile, so I guess it was a good idea. There is also a reference to The Big Lebowski, where one girl wrote, “This is not Nam – There are Rules!” However, she apparently didnʼt realize she was at Maxʼs, which, while not ʻNam, doesnʼt have many rules either. Especially not rules that follow local health ordinances. The last piece of graffiti I noticed was as I walked out the door. On the wall opposite the mirror, someone had written “GAWK” in mirror image, so as you look in the mirror, you see the words over your shoulder. Kind of a nice ego boost for a girl, and impressively creative for someone to have written, judging by the penmanship, drunk off her ass.

Men:

Summer 2004 13 So Long And Thanks For All The Fish Editor for a year, alcoholic for a lifetime. Our former Editor-In-Chief, Timothy Dreier, takes a look back at just what in God’s name happened here.

he title of this piece, like much of this ragʼs content, has The magazine calls to you, like some sort of sadistic har- absolutely nothing to do with anything. And, like all py…itʼs hideous and beautiful all at once, and you canʼt get the things here, this piece is being written at the last minute, damned thing out of your brain. Youʼll gladly spend 50 hours Tpast deadline, and after midnight. Jesus, Iʼm done with school, straight in the office just to get the thing put together before I no longer live in Eugene, and I still canʼt bear to make myself deadline. You run pieces that arenʼt fit to line a birdcage because, get things done on time. The whole place is like that, and I was hell, are your lazy do-nothing contributors going to come it at 3: the goddamned Editor. 32 AM on a Tuesday to write something better? Probably not. At four in the morning nothing is real, especially when So you print it and hope for the best. You lackadaisically run youʼve been up for four days on the spell check, realize that the a steady diet of Rockstar, Jae- You develop sordid fantasies about the lives one in InDesign sucks more than germeister, beer, and cheap bar of the cleaning staff; you learn to sleep with the Paris Hilton, and give up halfway food. Toss in some caffeine pills, lights on because itʼs against the building policy through. For this you blame the maybe some ephedrine if itʼs to turn them off late at night if youʼre alone in copy editor, because sheʼs not available, and your urine will turn around. Sheʼs never around, but all sorts of fun colors, magical the office. You end up going for literally weeks for the money this place pays gnomes from beyond the realms without seeing your roommate, and you end up who can blame her? You can, of Plextor will crawl down from taking such a physical toll on your body that because youʼre Editor. the ceiling, and youʼll some how you get a migraine so bad you canʼt see for half Somewhere during this manage to put out a magazine. a day. whole, horrible mess youʼve got And, by some miracle or purely to organize staff meetings. And by the strength of your own will, youʼll make one fatal mistake: the content will actually be pretty goddamned good: funny, in- trying to use the COMMENTATOR office. Not only is the office a sightful, and delightfully misspelled. When youʼre Editor, you dank cesspit of rotting Emeralds and Taco Bell refuse, but also it get to blame your underlings for that last part, life is grand. holds any number of distractions. Staffers will blog during meet- And life is one horrible misadventure after another. At first, ings, perhaps they will show other staffers interesting websites. you go to the bar because thatʼs where your friends hang out. Some of them may change clothes, because they seem to have Then you go to the bar because, damn, a beer would be so relax- moved their entire wardrobe onto the floor next to the archive. ing; then because you need something, anything, to numb the They will ignore you when you try to call things to order, they pain. And, finally, you go to the bar because itʼs noon. You know will cause you to become terse and angry…eventually you will itʼs gotten bad when youʼve managed to be thrown out of a place snap things like, “Congratulations, youʼre not Editor,” at them. that served you after you puked on the table, when youʼve eaten What youʼd really like is for all of them to shut up and stay on five out of the last six meals in a tavern (or pub, or bar, or grill), task so you can all go home or, more likely, back to the bar. Late when a girl youʼve been dating for nearly two years pretty much in the year youʼll wise up and start getting a room for meetings, says itʼs her or the booze and it seems like a really tough choice but by that point all hope is lost. Your staff will not listen to you, there for a second, and when after the end of the aforementioned you cannot keep control of them, and nothing will ever come in relationship you really canʼt remember February…thatʼs when on time. you think that perhaps, maybe, this whole thing has gotten a bit Except where HATE is concerned, that is. Everyone loves out of control. You wake up one day, realize youʼre hung over the HATE issue, and it becomes the one thing you look forward and hadnʼt been drunk, and think that maybe you should just to starting somewhere between March and Beertober. You pour walk away and get your GPA up before commencement. But you every last ounce of creative activity into HATE, but youʼve still donʼt. got at least three issues to put out between March and the end

14 Oregon Commentator Farewell

of May, and you loathe every aspect of your continued existence. Sure, Elections and whatever other crap you can throw together Defi ning Moments in Tim Dreierʼs Tenure will be fi ne, but all you really want to do is let loose and vent your spleen; because by this point youʼre on the brink of both madness and homicide. So you put together your other issues and begin work on HATE at the same time. For weeks you decide on a theme, fonts, color scheme, layout, and which stories go where. By the time youʼre actually working on the HATE issue, youʼve a content surplus and beautiful art. Everything is meticulously ordered for impact, laid out for maximum effect, and fi ts together perfectly. But, in the end, half of it gets done drunk the night before press time and you still end up with copy errors in headlines, by-lines, Wanted pull-quotes, and stories. You blame the copy editor, no one protests. When you fi nally send the damn thing off, you feel like youʼve just given birth: dirty, tired, and hepped up on narcotic pain medication. At least itʼs done, and youʼre done. Next yearʼs Editor is given the reigns and you hope to God he does as well as you think you did. He seems woefully unprepared for the role, fresh out of boot camp and with no idea what life is like here on the front. You think back on your fi rst issue, quietly curse at how terrible it was, and wish you hadnʼt dropped so many damn f-bombs in the thing. Sure, itʼs hilarious to have a former Publisher tell you that it was the most vulgar issue of the COMMENTATOR ever, but the shine wears off and you really donʼt want to be remembered as 5. Tim runs for ASUO Exec. on a pro-McCarthy platform. that guy. So you hope to Jesus that the poor sot youʼve conned into People actually take Tim seriously and write irate letters to the taking over has an easier go, and at the same time you curse him ODE. for usurping your power.

But, in the end, half of it gets done drunk the 4. At a staff party, Tim attempts to gouge out stafferʼs eyes night before press time and you still end up with after the staffer insinuated that he could take Tim in a fi ght. In a copy errors in headlines, by-lines, pull-quotes, and related turn of events, recruitment was low this year. stories. You blame the copy editor; no one protests.

And that, in the end, is what the OREGON COMMENTATOR does to you: it makes you love it in a severe and terrible way. Youʼre 3. After Tim downs a “Minderaser” at the now defunct always broke because youʼre spending all of your money on liquor Busterʼs Bar and Grill, Tim erases all known food from his and youʼre devoting upwards of 40 hours a week to a job that pays stomach in a disply that would make Mary Olsen proud. He exactly zero dollars. Your grades drop, your liver swells, and you quietly refuses the bartenderʼs offer for another drink. only have time to socialize with other denizens of EMU 319. You sleep on the offi ce couch more often than you sleep at home, when you sleep at all, and you know nine different ways to get into the EMU after the building is closed. You develop sordid fantasies 2. On an outing to Rennieʼs, a young lady was putting about the lives of the cleaning staff; you learn to sleep with the the moves on Olly Ruff. Tim, being the good friend that he lights on because itʼs against building policy to turn them off late is, drove the skanky harlot away with little more than a vast at night if youʼre alone in the offi ce. You end up going for literally knowlage of all things economic and his famous “Boney Finger weeks without seeing your roommate, and you eventually end up Oʼ Death.” taking such a physical toll on your body that you get a migraine so bad you canʼt see for half a day. At some point, you will have panic attacks and collapse in a huge pile of your own crapulence 1. Tim succumbs to alcohol poisoning and is rushed to in the middle of your living room fl oor. This is the way it is, and Sacred Heart. While recovering in the emergency room the next you love and hate every minute of it because itʼs the only thing you day, he remembers that he has a fi nal to take. know how to do. Or maybe thatʼs just me, I really canʼt tell anymore. Tim Dreier, living pathetically at home with his parents after years of college away from them, desperately needs a job or a teleporter, was the Editor-In-Chief of the OREGON COMMENTATOR

Summer 2004 15 Farewell My

CONCUBINEBy A. Sho Ikeda donʼt have any desire to write this farewell and not anime, was the choice publication. piece. Iʼve been putting it off for a few weeks I floated around the first year occasionally now, using my studies as an excuse. I had only showing up to meetings and taking a few photos Ione class to go before I would graduate this sum- here and there. Eventually during my second mer and I wasnʼt going to let any thing get in my year, I started showing up more often and -- de- way. Well, Iʼm done with classes all I want to do spite not contributing anything -- was invited to is relax, hang out with my girlfriend, watch movies several OC parties. and maybe start looking for a decent job. Prior to this, I had only managed some illicit However, as always the COMMENTATOR is there, Here we see Sho drinking in the dorms and one frat party where I hanging on my back, and asking me to write one enjoying his first forty had lied about knowing someone who lived there more piece for old timeʼs sake. Just when I thought in the comfort of his in order to get in. Prior to this I had not been shot I was out, they pull me back in. Walton complex dorm at with an empty air rifle by a drunk staffer (which How can I write a farewell piece that compares room is unnerving if you didnʼt know it was unloaded), to anything written by any of the major COMMEN- nor smoked illegal substances, nor crashed my TATOR players of the past few years? The talented bike into some bushes because I had been drink- Messrs. Beutler, Jacobson and Hunt did so much ing several homemade Long Islands. All of this more for the magazine than I ever did. All I did drinking and partying eventually led to the infa- was write a few news stories, take a few photos and mous “OC Goes Golfing” article of which I had design the OC Online website, which Iʼm still pay- the pleasure of documenting with my camera. ing for by the way. I should probably talk to some- Anyway, good times and even better con- one about that. The problem is that I donʼt really versation were had. At few other parties will have much to say that hasnʼt already been said. We you ever find debates over national healthcare all know that the University of Oregon is a liberal This is Sho, totally and Phillip K. Dick novels going on at the same school and that there is a liberal bias in most of the stoked to return to time. These were good people. They were also classes taught here. COMMENTATOR readers know school for his sophmore very articulate and convincing. In time, I found that there are few people here who have a sense of year myself with the same political leanings as the rest humor and far too many who wear their PC-ness of the crew. I inherited the social libertarianism like a badge of honor. and the fiscal conservatism that many of the OC So whoʼs really going to want to read what have embraced. I was finally in their clutches. Iʼve learned from the COMMENTATOR and from this Things got even better when I turned school? Not many, but I still have 600 words to 21. Letʼs just say that a 21er spent in the company go. Damn. of the COMMENTATOR is a good 21er indeed. It was Like many members of the COMMENTATOR, I the first and the last time I have ever been cut off came to this school considering myself a moder- at a bar (and the first and last time I ever went to ate liberal thinker. I was and still am for abortion that particular bar), which means either my toler- rights, equality between the sexes, equal rights for Sho, circa 2002, hiding ance has either improved or Iʼve never managed gays and so forth. out in Riley Hall to drink that much again. I also fell of a bench However, I soon found that the inability of while trying to balance myself, but Iʼm sure that many students and teachers to consider othersʼ also happened a few weeks ago. ideas repulsed me. Everyone here seemed to rabidly Not coincidentally, my grades began to fall, endorse and promote cultural, sexual and religious leading to an extended stay at this glorious uni- diversity on campus, but no one fought for diversity versity. of thought. No one that is, except for the Com- Which brings me back to where I am mentator. now. Graduation has been a long time coming for I was first attracted to the COMMENTATOR be- me. I would blame the COMMENTATOR for all the cause of the humor. I believe the only other humor- morning classes I missed and the numerous Wʼs ish publication on campus at the time was the old Iʼve accumulated. Nevertheless, if itʼs one thing Oregon Voice (before it was brought back to life by Iʼve learned from working with libertarians and campus hipsters), which focused on anime and … After five years of conservatives, thereʼs no one to take responsibility anime. Therefore, there was no question that the school, Sho finally except for you. Hereʼs to the COMMENTATOR. COMMENTATOR, which seemed to focus on alcohol loses touch with A. Sho Ikeda, who asks you to win one for the nipper, reality. did a lot of crap for the OREGON COMMENTATOR 16 Oregon Commentator By Tyler Graf

he 2003-2004 school year has been over for situations for whatever reason – a bread crumb where we own quite a while now, leaving in its wake bitter bakeries, but we were pissed off at that because we didnʼt get to control that, too.” memories of petulance and patchouli. We had Indeed, sir. Those damn regressive patriarchs at the … wait Tthe long halcyon days of summer to recuperate, giving for it … Offi ce of Civil Rights. Fucking Title IX, man. It used us ample time to relax in a hammock, fruity cocktail to be cool when it was all about womenʼs sports and shit, but it in hand, just watching the melanoma metastasize. But changed, man. Now itʼs just an appendage of the penis oppres- the sun will soon be gone, its rays – highly concen- sors. But the proclamations that having a unisex shuttle service trated opiates from the sky – will be ensconced by would endanger women on campus – proclamations made by clouds and drowned out by rain. So, itʼs time to re- many, many students during the OCRʼs investigation – seemed to member, through the power of hindsight, the year that slip into the ether as soon as it became apparent that APS would was. Or maybe itʼs the year that might have been; itʼs not turn into a school-sponsored rape-mobile hard for me to remember … too many fruity cocktails Women would not be put in harmʼs way. In fact, the campus masturbator, the shadowy symbol of and highly concentrated opiates. terror against women on campus, seemed to have taken a much needed sabbatical from his savage string of masturbatings. I am Fall Term not so foolish or naïve as to claim In fact, the campus masturbator, the that this speaks to the effi cacy of The school year began on a shadowy symbol of terror against women APS, as the timing corresponds positive note when the University an- to the sudden departure of Scott nounced plans to dissolve the female- on campus, seemed to have taken a much Austin. only student shuttle service SafeRide, needed sabbatical from his savage string of Speaking of violence against as ordered by the Offi ce of Civil Rights. masturbatings. I am not so foolish or naïve women, fall term also saw the in- After reviewing SafeRideʼs policies as to claim that this speaks to the effi cacy of troduction of vice president Eddy and considering the legality of the Uni- APS, as the timing corresponds to the sudden “Boom Boom” Morales, who be- versityʼs separate-but-equal propitiator came well known for ditching of- – a non-discriminatory shuttle called departure of Scott Austin. fi ce hours and avoiding the press, Nightride – the OCR ruled against the and who got arrested outside of University, ordering it to restructure its student shuttle services Taylorʼs for allegedly beating up a girl. into one contiguous whole to comply with Title IX. According to the police report, Morales got involved in an The Universityʼs steadfast refusal to act expeditiously on altercation after asking the allegedly assaulted girl, Erica Hass, if this matter, opting instead to prolong the OCRʼs investigation for she thought she was pretty. She apparently did. He disagreed and several years and fi ght the allegations of discrimination, is yet made fun of her hair. She then pulled out a verbal neutron bomb another example of the Universityʼs scattershot approach to fair- by calling him gay. ness – an approach which marginalizes discriminatory behavior Seriously, we couldnʼt make this shit up. against men. They got burned on this one, though. A drink was thrown at Hass, after which all parties were So SafeRide and Nightride merged, creating the Assault thrown out of the bar. When Hass confronted Eddy again, she Prevention Shuttle (APS), which serves both men and women. reached deep into her verbal lexicon, straining to fi nd the proper Of course, this ruffl ed a few feathers on campus, even among insult that would succinctly convey her opinion of Eddy and thus members of the – shudder – College Republicans. In a guest leave him a smoldering crater of his former self, so she called commentary published in the Oregon Daily Emerald, College him a fag. Yes, the gauntlet had fi nally been thrown down. Republican Lucas Szabo wrote: “SafeRide (to my knowledge) What occurred next, at least in my mind, was a no-holds- existed for women who werenʼt comfortable with men in certain barred smack down … an unrestrained battle featuring nail goug-

Summer 2004 17 ing, hair pulling, biting and the coup de gras, catty comments. It impenetrable ice, which created humorous people-watching sce- must have been a hell of a sight. narios. Perhaps the most awe inspiring sight of fall term, however, On the first day of winter term, as I waited for the bus, dig- came when the UO football team beat No. 3 Michigan at Autzen ging my feet into the slippery permafrost for balance, I witnessed Stadium, 31-27. It was a hell of a game, featuring a ready to win numerous cars spin out of control at the intersection of Amazon Oregon squad playing at top form. Oregonʼs defense had never and Hilyard. Some of the cars fishtailed before regaining control, looked better; Michigan QB John Navarre was sacked four times while others crashed over the curb, missing pedestrians by mere and running back Chris Perry, the national leader in rushing, was molecules. It wasnʼt that the cars were going too fast; in fact, held to 26 yards. Even Oregonʼs spotty offense, which featured the many were barely moving. The problem was that few of these cars much-maligned two-quarterback rotation, seemed to stand up well were outfitted with chains, and even fewer of the drivers knew against Michiganʼs threatening defense. how to drive in such arctic conditions, opting to slam on their Watching the game from the packed confines of Busterʼs Bar brakes instead of tapping them lightly. I must have seen a dozen and Grill, I couldnʼt help but get caught up in the reverie. The beer cars eat curb. And at least half a dozen more pedestrians went ass was flowing and our team was winning; what more could you ask to pavement. It was a ridiculous sight: cars screeching out of con- for? Well, you could ask for a satchel of coke and two Romanian trol, slamming into each other while people shuffled along in the gymnast whores, but that would make you a cokehead pervert. foreground, tenuously clinging to the traction beneath their soles There are always those dissenting voices at sports bars, before hitting a slight incline, which would send their arms flailing though – the oneʼs that seem to ring loudest above the din, angrily through the air, feet dancing across the ice, eyes bulging in fear as bemoaning the progress of the game and casting doubt upon the the world finally spun out from under them, forcing them to the home teamʼs prowess with their articulate tongues and rapier wit. ground with a bone-shattering thud. It was pure hilarity. “Oregon Ducks,” they scream. “More like Oregon Sucks. After twenty minutes of this gut-busting Schadenfreude, I no- HAR! HAR!” ticed that the bus had not arrived. I decided that picking up the syl- At Busters there was one such voice, but so deafening was labus and having the professor read it to me as if I were a complete this voice, and so constant were the words it spoke, that it sounded mental vegetable was not worth risking life and limb – or losing as if an entire church of parishioners had suddenly seen the face of face by falling down in front of strangers. So I headed back to my God and had begun speaking in tongues. house having assumed that classes had been cancelled for the day When asked about his hatred of the Oregon Ducks – using the due to Godʼs wrathful vengeance. most mellifluous tone possible, I can assure you – the man stated But I was wrong. Classes were in fact in session. The school that, no, he was not from Michigan … he lived in Eugene. He was had closed only twice in its 127-year history, and the administra- originally from back east, had moved to Eugene several years be- tion, believing this was some kind of badge honor, decided it was fore and, for reasons too complex and stupid to enumerate in the more important to stay open than to protect its students from the pages of this fine rag, had just decided to hate the Ducks. elements. But, as many students discovered, the University was I can empathize with the man, because after the Ducks got my not, in fact, entirely open. Many professors and GTFs stayed hopes up with the Michigan game, which henceforth landed them home, leaving frostbitten students to reenact Shackeltonʼs expedi- on the cover of Sports Illustrated, sending UO football fanatics tion. into a tizzy, they decided to prove their critics correct by slowly And lest we forget, there was internal pressure building imploding throughout the rest of the season. By the time they within the ASUO. made it to the Frito Lay Bowl to play Fresno State Carpentry Col- Maddy Melton was forced to appoint three new students to the lege, I too felt like hating the “Oregon Sucks” football team. ASUO Con Court during the winter term. One of the positions had been vacant since Melton took office in May of 2003, and according to the ASUO constitution, Con Court positions can only be left Winter Term vacant for 30 days. Melton had, once again, screwed up royally. This led to the Constitution Court chastising Melton in writing and Eugene residents are accustomed to mild winters – a spatter- even calling for her resignation. This may have seemed promising ing of precipitation, some dark skies and mid-thirty degree tem- at the time, but it probably would have ended in disaster had it peratures. Winters here are often dreary, yes, but they are rarely happened; we would have been left with Eddy Morales. dangerous. Well, that all changed as we entered the fourth year And then there was campus fixture, and hipster haven KWVA, of the new millennium (official motto: “Still No Sign of Jesus”), which went before the ASUO in order to shore up additional funds when we were pounded by what professionally trained meteo- for its renovation projects -- it $150,000 total. Charlotte Nisser, rologists described as “a hell-fucking-acious ass-load of snow and General Manager of KWVA, said the renovations were necessary ice”. because the station was working with outdated analogue equip- Eugenians (Eugeners? Eugeniacs?) are no strangers to water; ment, whereas commercial radio stations use digital equipment. I mean, shit, we receive 43 inches of precipitation a year because Well, here’s an interesting morsel of information: KWVA is it never stops raining between September and June. But for some not a commercial radio station. It receives its funding from stu- reason, when this water changes its chemical make-up and solidi- dents, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow some emaciated, fies, these residents turn retarded. half-mesh-trucker-hat-wearing Moby look alike to gouge me for Not that I can blame people for their reaction to last yearʼs more cash so he can play the latest local techno ear torture on the storm. It blanketed the ground with a three-inch-thick layer of same equipment used by KDUCK. My solution: Enter the market-

18 Oregon Commentator place or shut the fuck up. Eddy was innocent until proven guilty, and it seems likely that both parties were equally culpable for what transpired, but weʼre Spring Term always looking for content with which to fill this magazine. That trial would have been a dozen issues, easily. Then, in late May, the GTFF authorized a strike vote while This yearʼs ASUO election was dominated by the Progres- negotiating with the administration over a new contract. The main sive Students Starting Today (PSST), which, in fact, started nearly problem, according to the Emeraldʼs reporting, was the requirment ten years ago to give progressives a voice in student government. that GTFs pay student fees. .Although I can empathize with this Good for them. Under the reins of such staunch social conserva- plight, I donʼt feel too sorry for the GTFFs of the UO. tives as Nilda Brooklyn and Maddy Melton, the ASUO was begin- They are doing a job, so they should receive some form of ning to look like a hotbed of McCarthy-style regress. financial restitution, but the job theyʼre doing does not require a The PSST succeeded because they knew the issues better than huge time commitment. In their more honest moments, even GTFs anyone else. Said Leslie Ankney in the Olʼ Dirty when asked about will admit this. They pawn a lot of their duties off onto undergrad her idea of fiscal responsibility: “I think we need to look at the pro- graders, because itʼs beneath them to do that work. (And now the grams that are used most by students and that we can attest that are GTFF is in favor of unionizing undergrad graders, which is a ter- valuable to students. For example, (Project) Saferide [sic] is used rible idea.) Further, although GTFs perform a job, theyʼre also by a lot of women on campus and is valuable to them.” primarily students, like the rest of us. You see? I was under the impression that SafeRide had been disbanded because it was deemed unlawful under Title IX, but There you have it, the year in review. I know I rambled a little here is political dynamo Leslie Ankney to set the record straight. bit, but Iʼm drunk, and these blank pages are mocking me with Ankney later won her position; she was running unopposed. their dead stares of disgust, like those evil little children in the Well, here’s an interesting morsel of information: Village of the Damned. KWVA is not a commercial radio station. It receives Well, you get the picture; last year was shamefully inadequate its funding from students, and I’ll be damned if I’m in terms of efficiency, but what year isnʼt? We can expect the same going to let some emaciated, half-mesh-trucker-hat- amount of ineptitude next year, with different names attached to each incident, because that is the circle of life here at the UO. wearing Moby look alike gouge me for more cash so he As much as things change, they stay the same. New faces, new can play the latest local techno ear torture on the same names, new fuck ups, but the same amount of fodder for us. Weʼll equipment used by KDUCK. My solution: Enter the be there for the entire crazy ride, a bourbon in one hand, a pen in marketplace or shut the fuck up. the other, just waiting. KA-BLAMO!

Adam Petkun, who was running for executive, was equally vociferous about the (generic) issues, primarily issues arising from student lobbying efforts. When I confronted Petkun at the candidate debate, I asked him to explain how he was not a joke. I should also state, for the sake of full disclosure, that I was quite drunk at the time, my head reeling from several long islands; I was not wearing any pants at the time, either, opting instead to drape my loins – tastefully – with the Gadsden flag. Iʼm surprised that Petkun even bothered to respond to my question … but he did, and his response sums up his entire campaign: “I fought for the Oregon Opportunity Grant and the Childcare Block Grant because I believe in saving students money by decreasing tuition. If thatʼs a joke, I donʼt know whatʼs going on.” (Keep in mind that this is not verbatim, but it is essentially what he said) Iʼm sorry, but itʼs always a joke when ASUO lackeys believe that they can make a noticeable difference at the state level; student-led lobbying efforts fail because their utopian ideal of how things should be are often counter to the harsh realities of the real world, i.e. Oregonʼs dismal economy. Nice try, Adam. For those who hate justice, Eddy Morales got let off the hook during spring term, walking away from the charges facing him unscathed. This answers unequivocally a question that many OC staffers had posed to each other during long nights of imbibing: Can Eddy beat up a girl? The answer is yes, with the help of the UO Legal Services who represented him in court and who were Tyler Graf, who’s been here far, far too long, is the responsible for continually pushing the court date back. This led Editor-In-Chief of the OREGON COMMENTATOR Erica Hass to drop the charges. Of course, we understand that Summer 2004 19 The Secret Life Of Jeremy L. Jones One night at the bar, Olly Ruff sat down with former OC Production Manager Jeremy Jones for a one-on-one interview. What he discovered would shock the world. Could it be true? Could it be that Jeremy is not the loveable Commentator drunkard everone had come to know? Q: Jeremy, thanks for taking the time. clear I would have to throw the government off my tail. I needed A: No problem. Itʼs time to set the record straight. to assume the identity of a the biggest fascist, misogynistic, racist asshole I could come up with. After a few failed experiments in Q: So, why donʼt you start by telling us how you came to the the Oregon Citizenʼs Alliance, I fi nally enrolled in the University University? I wasnʼt aware that non-military personnel were al- of Oregon under the name of Scott Austin. lowed to leave the state of Idaho at that time. A: (laughs) Idaho? Letʼs not get ahead of ourselves. Letʼs Q: Good Lord. Suddenly, many things become clear. start with Cascadia. Before I came to Eugene I was one of the A: I never expected it to go so far. I fi lled a need in this town most notorious eco-terrorists in the country. Jeff Luers had noth- that nobody even knew existed. A need… for Scott. ing on me, buddy. I could turn any SUV into a ʼ74 Pinto given fi ve minutes unattended in the parking lot. I subverted the capi- Q: So, what was the deal with the dress, exactly? talistic paradigm by re-establishing the barter system across the A: I was confused about a lot of things. Letʼs just leave it West. In Wyoming, it was with stones; in Utah, with wives. I also at that. bankrupted countless BBQ restaurants. I shoved those “All You Can Eat” deals right up their carnivore-fascist asses. The suffer- Things were fi ne until the WRC protests came around. I was ing I underwent was horrible, obviously, but it was worth every still a dirty stinky hippie, so I was drawn to the protest like a moth rib-sucking minute to see them fi le Chapter 11. to a fl ame. On the other hand, I had to keep up appearances with my new identity. But as the protests continued, I found it harder Anyway, it was only a matter of time before the police and and harder to keep living the life of Scott Austin, thus leading to the FBI were on to me. I came to Eugene because it was the last such infamous speeches to the College Republicans like, “The place in the world anyone would expect to look for a hippie. WRC ainʼt so bad is it?” My alternate personality was crumbling quickly, and it was only a matter of time before the government Q: Your sources may have led you astray on that one, actu- had me pinned. ally. A: So I discovered. As soon as I learned the truth, it became So, the next year, I enrolled at the University as Jeremy 20 Oregon Commentator Farewell

him, mind you, so maybe thereʼs something to his strategy after all.

For the next two years I did nothing but work for the Commentator and plot my revenge. I decided I would take over the University and make all its inhabitants into my slaves. But I would need money, and I would need an army. For money, I stole several thousand dollars and pinned it on an old alumnus by the name of Grayson. For an army, I used my contacts in the University Housing system to put special hallucinogenic drugs in the dorm water. The drugs would enter the victimʼs brain and remain inactive until a trigger was heard; then they would become a rabid pack of ruthless killers. Jeremy Jones at the WRC protest in Q: Your army was made up entirely of freshmen? April of 2000, fi ve months before he A: Yes. Drugged-up freshmen are the most destructive was reported to be in Oregon. creatures on the planet. Have you ever seen Walton after a typical Saturday?

Jones, an embittered cynic from Boise, ID. As The plan went pretty well, except for one incident where for the Scott Austin identity, I gave it to a homeless person I met one guy was accidentally triggered and nearly went on a bloody on the street one day. He brought more insane wackiness to Austin assault with a BB gun. (Thank God Mr. Dreier was there to ensure than I ever thought possible. The various agencies that were on that only communists were hurt) In retrospect, it was probably my tail eventually arrested this guy believing it was me, which got not such a good idea to use a Brian Setzer song as a trigger, but I the government off my back completely. thought I was the only person in the world that actually listened to his music. Now with all the pieces in place, it was time for Q: I thought Scott went to teach middle school? Emperor Jones to take his place as the ruthless tyrant overlord of A: Oh, come on! You really think they would allow a man the University. like that around children? Everyone thought my campaign was just another one of the However, I still needed a way to conceal my true identity. My COMMENTATORʼs jokes and had a good laugh. The only people who efforts to hide in the College Republicans had one major fl aw. As a hippie I was used to copious amounts of drugs and ritual orgies. Jeremy collecting signatures for OSPIRG during the To this day I believe that it was the lack of chemicals and loose women that ruined my fi rst plan. This time, I joined the ranks of 2001 elections the OREGON COMMENTATOR. They had slightly fewer chemicals and no loose women, but they did have booze.

Even then, I couldnʼt resist the double life. By day I was just another angry drunk writing for a campus magazine. By night, I was fi ghting the corporate oppressor, hugging trees and eating, drinking, wearing and breathing nothing but pot. Everything was great until the 2001 elections. OSPIRG was going down in fl ames. Their best research showed that the students were not going to give them their budget that year. They came to me and asked me to screw with the elections so that they would have an excuse to keep the students from being in charge of their budget. I was more than happy to let a little hell loose... and let hell loose I did.

OSPIRG got what they wanted. With all the controversy, they had to hold a special election. Students who could barely be vothered to vote once, certainly didnʼt bother to vote twice. OSPIRG got refunded easily. I was content in my work, but OSPIRG was worried. If anyone ever found out about my work, OSPIRG would have gone down. Using their infl uence they managed to turn all hippiedom against me. Ralph Nader even called me in my little room at the Campbell Club and told me, in so many words, to fuck off. I was crushed. Iʼm still voting for Summer 2004 21 Long story short, I have spent the last year working to conceal my conquest of Corvallis. Itʼs been frantic. Eddy, being both a frat boy and ASUO insider, became head of my enforcement team. He and his minions have done a stellar job of making sure no one found out about the coup. (So long as we got the street-fighting out of the way during Beaver games, Corvallis could give a ratʼs ass who the mayor is. Weʼll see how they like my new hemp plantations.) Don Goldman threatened to divulge my plans to the campus, so I had him killed and replaced with a robot. Eddy also took care of a small problem with a nosy spy who had recovered some documents and was going to report them to her superiors via a specially designed radio disguised as a Top:Jeremy in the elections cell phone. debate, wich eventually lead to the conquering of corval- Q: At Taylorʼs? lis, Right: Frat boy army A: Yes. (shocked) How did you know? members beating on helpless Q: I was taking bets on the fight. So, what Corvallis civilian. does the future hold for “Jeremy Jones”? werenʼt laughing were the people in A: Iʼve been considering many projects, the ASUO when they realized that I had won the election. It just but Iʼm not really 100% yet. Although the wasnʼt Eric Baileyʼs year, yet again. government-fascists think they have arrested the notorious eco- terrorist, theyʼve unfortunately started asking questions about the man taking steps to form a sovereign hippie nation in the Upon assuming power, I did everything in my power to con- Willamette Valley. So I think it is time to delegate authority, step ceal my blatant abuse of the office. The first thing I did was make down and disappear for awhile. I thought about going to another it look like Maddy and Eddy won. They were the perfect front for university and starting the cycle anew. I have also considered my evil regime bent on domination of the state. With their bla- hitting the road as a nameless bounty hunter; killing for fun and tant incompetence and bungling down in the ASUO, the campus profit. I have also thought about going to a big city and hatching media was too busy worrying about them instead of focusing on a brilliant scheme to hijack millions of dollars only to be thwarted me. In addition I recruited the entire frat system as my new army by some tough-as-nails, cowboy cop that just got suspended from (the freshmen proving to become more and more resistant to the the force for blowing up a gas station. Who knows what lies ahead drugs). They were the perfect soldiers, dumb, completely inca- for me? pable of independent thought, loyal to a fault, violent and horribly Jeremy Jones has left the OREGON COMMENTATOR. He will be at destructive. The problem was getting them to obey my rule, which the bar later, feel free to swing by. Thank you and goodnight. I accomplished by making all the frats dry. I also threatened to ban all sororities. Faced with the prospect of being denied not only booze but date-rape, they quickly bowed to my will.

22 Oregon Commentator What I learned from the University of Oregon School of Journalism and Communications or How Dan Wieden Helps Seperate Winners From Future UO Professors

By Jeremy Jones

une 9th 2004, the day of the graduation ceremony. Mind you, those) I I didnʼt actually have all the requirements for graduation ful- h a v e filled yet, but I could pretend I did and thus extort my family come to learn that all Jfor extra booze money for the occasion. Yet, frankly, I felt kind that really matters is finishing the as- of proud of myself. Sure, I knew that I just spent four years and signment and reveiving s grade. thousands of dollars on a little slip of paper that proved that I, Jer- Our friend Miss Jones isnʼt like that, and wanted a differ- emy Jones, had put up with a group of backwards simpletons who ent assignment, an assignment that would really help her gain couldnʼt find their asshole with a flashlight, a compass, a map and some valuable knowledge. Okay, fair enough, I guess. Her story a “Dummies” book entitled “Locating the Anus.” But I did put up continues: “After asking the instructor how that task forced me with them, and I managed to keep most of my sanity in tact (my to address a fear, I was assigned an alternate task: Go to a wed- liver, however, has taken quite a beating, but in every war, there ding, and when the minister asks if anyone objects, stand up and must be casualties). say something. I couldnʼt help but think that I should make three It was around the hour mark of the graduation ceremony that copies of that video: One for Mr. Wieden, one for my mother and ODE columnist Marissa Jones was paraded up on stage and given one for Satan to tell him Iʼm on my way!” Moral objection; fair an award for bravely standing up to the evil Dan Wieden and his enough. I canʼt fault that, but you have been offered two different demeaning workshop. She did so in the face of unthinkable risks, assignments and denied them both. So you should just do the third like...uh...Wieden not liking her very much, and she stood up for one and shut up. “Eventually they told me I had to do a stand-up what she believed in. It was enough to make most of the other routine at a comedy club. ...I felt so relieved to have homework people in attendance gag in disgust. Here was a group of hundreds that didnʼt involve sacrificing my personal ethics that I almost for- of students who, for the most part, worked hard putting new and got about the absurdity of the workshop. But that night, as I edited exciting holes in their stomach lining, and the J-school was giving my Honors College thesis on advertising and ethics, my concerns an award to someone who, more or less, blew off an assignment. came rushing back. Here I sat with a paper where I was trying to Really, letʼs look at Miss Jonesʼs journey through this work- combat the “sleazy” image of the advertising industry an hour after shop. From her own account of the experience as written in her I had been slapped in the face with it.” Oh, so now itʻs demeaning. column: “My first assigned task was to approach a stranger in the She didnʼt do the assignment because, basically, she didnʼt want airport, acting as if I knew him or her, and convince the person to to. And they gave her a fucking award! Iʼm embarrassed to share a get coffee with me. I couldnʼt figure out where the fear confronta- common last name with this woman. tion was in this one; it seemed more like a study in manipulating Back to the graduation ceremony, I started wondering what strangers.” Okay, but what was really wrong with the assignment? could be learned by this. What kind of behavior was the J-school I have written many papers that seemed to have no bearing on the imparting on the rest of us with this example? The maxims are as class… or reality, for that matter I have been asked to complete follows: projects that were simply asinine. But, you know what? I did them Lesson one: If something is demeaning, just donʼt do it. Stand anyway. I do the fucking assignments, I get my fucking grades and by your morals and everyone will understand. Really! Go ahead, I move on to the next abomination this school has to offer. But thatʼs and get a job and reject every assignment that you personally find just me. Although I wouldnʼt have minded a good educational ex- demeaning; youʼll have a nice long career with that firm. What perience, (itʼs a shame that this university doesnʼt provide one of is especially ludicrous about this is the fact that Miss Jones is an

Summer 2004 23 advertising major. Advertising! Anyone else see that commercial “I may only be 22 years old with a during the super bowl where a woman was blasted in the face with a horse fart? Advertising is supposed to be demeaning! You are monthly income that barely covers my doing everything in your power to sell a product to the people; and rent and the utopian vision that I can the people want to see you dance, monkey! So, please, do your make the world a better place, but don’t job and dance. If youʼre worried about your self-esteem become sell my intelligence and integrity short. ” an accountant. Lesson two: People who question authority are those to be Marissa Jones honored. Fine, but if the J-school really has a hard-on for those who stir up the shit, where is the OCʼs award! We have spent the better part of our lives advising various people where they can place their precious ideals. But do any of the higher-ups at the J- school give a shit? No. Lesson three: Bitch and moan and you will have the entire school by its collective testicles. Ah... finally some useful information. If there is one thing I have learned from four years here itʼs that the deans and sundry administrators live in paralyzing fear of any bad opinions directed at them. There are still few things that bring a smile to my face, like the sight of a University official cowering behind a desk and whimpering like a wounded puppy. Of course, what is the University saying about how one should handle stress? Lesson four: If anyone ever suggests that you made a bad decision, immediately wet yourself, run to the corner, get in a fetal position, mutter “Iʼm sorry” until the bad person goes away. The path of least resistance is an option. In junior-high, it helped keep my head out of the toilet a few extra minutes. However, I donʼt look back on those years with much fondness, and I would expect to see a University show a little more spine than that. Itʼs one thing if the entire class was forced to kill stray kittens with a garden hoe and the entire class was highly offended. Itʼs another if one little girl doesnʼt want to do her work. Give her an F! She had more than enough opportunity to complete her tasks with her precious morals in tact. Lesson five: Never, ever, under any circumstances, try anything new or, God help us, fun. I donʼt know much about Wieden or his motives for starting the workshop. It could have been because he was a rich bastard who liked nothing more than to watch students act like jackasses on his command. Hell, I can even respect that. The power to screw with people is one of the largest motivators to being successful. But maybe, just maybe, he thought that this would be a new, fun way to help condition students to a career in advertising. But, like anything that inspires students to try something new, something challenging, someone with constricting underwear is going to come around and complain. Thanks Miss Jones. But what can you truly expect from academia anyway. The “well respected” professors and the deans are teaching because they failed to find an actual career. They failed because they followed their own lessons, blindly following an ideal that simply doesnʼt work and trying to drag their students down with them. Well, if you want Miss Jones, you can have her. Frankly, if she keeps up this kind of shit, no firm will want her. Sheʼll make a fine addition to the wussies that already run academia. Intelligence and integrity? Yeah, I’m

Jeremy Jones wants to make it clear that he is of no relation to sure those two qualities will get you re- Marissa Jones. He is the Publication Manager for the OREGON ally far in the advertising industry, COMMENTATOR, whereas Marissa is just a worthless whiner for Marissa. the ODE.

24 Oregon Commentator Another Perspective There’sThere’s SomethingSomething A tale of love and hate in the land of About... vodka and dyevushkas Polina By Will Cohen

o Tyler asked me to be the AP Man this year. I donʼt really know why he did this or what it means to be an AP Man, but I assume that he wants me to write some sort of cool- Sheaded libertarian commentary on the issues of the day. I had planned to do that, but now itʼs way past deadline and 102 degrees outside—not the kind of environment needed for cool- headed libertarian thought. My body does not function well in this kind of heat. It panics and starts doing weird things. This happens suddenly and with no warning: some internal dam is breached, and gallons of sweat come pouring out, soaking through my clothes and out onto the furniture, leaving long-lasting pheromone-heavy Polina. stains that will make women nervous for years. My face turns red, She is, simply put, the perfect female, and I have loved and like Iʼm about to go into cardiac arrest, and I start behaving er- hated her on various levels ever since the fi rst time I saw her–sit- ratically–stumbling into things and angrily muttering at whatever ting in the front row of my ESL class at St. Petersburg State Uni- invisible enemy has infl icted this damage. versity. She was tall and pale, with thick greasy shoulder-length There is a war going on here. I feel like America after the fi rst chestnut hair and long skinny doe legs–animal legs, the kind that plane crashed into the World Trade Center: All I know is that Iʼm could be used to kick your face off. And her eyes–those big sad under attack, and someone will have to pay dearly for this. I donʼt greenish-gray lemur eyes. know who exactly, but someone must pay—that much is clear. The fi rst word I heard her say was “wow,” only Russians canʼt Here in the smoking section at Espresso Roma there are plen- pronounce “wow” so it sounds more more like “hwouohw”–an av- ty of candidates. The fi lthy obese hippie women and their scrawny erage American girl, one lying naked and spread-eagled in anxious men over there, smoking America Spirits and jabbering about tan- anticipation of your cock, is no where near as sexy as a Russian tric sex and genital piercings. Maybe those pretentious lilting Poli. dyevushka just trying to say the word “wow”. Sci. Majors in the corner, always gesticulating and making ironic comments about shitty movies from the 1980ʼs. Or that little Asian I tried to maintain my composure during class, to guy hunched over some science textbook, studiously referring to be a responsible professor. Granted, I had taken his little electronic dictionary every thirty seconds. None of these sick fucks seem to be suffering–shit, I think they might even be this job with the explicit intention of sleeping with enjoying themselves. And for that they deserve to be killed, or at as many of my students as possible, but still…it was least severely maimed...then theyʼll know how I feel. my fi rst day and, at the time, hitting on my students I want to murder someone. I want to smash a chair on some- in class still seemed a little too brazen. oneʼs head and bite their lips off. I want to beat someone to death as they scream for mercy. I want to break a bone in my hand while During class, she expressed a few charmingly naive hippie breaking someone elseʼs nose. ideals–peace, love, creativity…that kind of thing. Normally this Either that or I want to hate fuck some girl. would disgust me; here at the UofO Iʼve had to listen to far too But preferably both at once. many off-topic speeches by obnoxious Sociology skanks. But Almost as if on cue, some girl who looks vaguely like a somehow I wasnʼt disgusted–in fact, it just made me want her burned-out twenty-fi ve-year old version of Polina just sat down more. Maybe itʼs because, unlike the Sociology skanks, she was two tables away. actually sincere about this shit. And she, having grown up in Rus- And if thereʼs anyone in the world I want to fuck and kill, itʼs sia in the 1990ʼs, clearly understood that these were impracticable Summer 2004 25 and doomed ideals. I mean, her classmates—educated people—in- in class, to facilitate discussion—this was, after all, a conversa- cluded a lot of heartless mafia kids and a couple of friendly skin- tional practice course. That worked pretty well. During the sec- heads who wanted to get rid of all the “niggers and black-asses” tion on English slang, I got them all to do a sing-along rendition in St. Petersburg. Not the peace-loving types. But she didnʼt really of “Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle-Fucker” from South Park. It seem to care about what they did, as long as they left her alone. doesnʼt really get any better than a dozen drunken Russians with And, unlike a babbling American bitch, she didnʼt proselytize. In thick accents singing “Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle-Fucker”. By fact, she refused to even engage these swine in debate. They either the end of the semester, I was holding class in filthy, evil-smelling understood or they didnʼt, and it didnʼt much matter either way. courtyards. We would just stand around in a circle, drinking. Thatʼs what turned me on the most: she was an arrogant In any case, after I instituted the new mandatory smoking dreamer, an egoist who lived in some imaginary world sheʼd cre- policy, things got a lot better, although one non-smoker seemed a ated. bit disheartened. At first I encouraged her to cultivate a new smok- The other girls hated Polina, in part because she was weird, ing habit, but she was skeptical—she claimed to have asthma—so but mostly because without even trying she achieved–and eventu- I told her to just go sit by the window. ally rejected–all the things they dreamt of. Speed addiction not- “But it is cold,” she whined. withstanding, she was an incorrigibly lazy student, and yet, at sev- “Look,” I said, “Youʼve got two options here: You can smoke enteen, was two years younger and knew more than anyone else in the cigarette or you can go sit by the window. Now which do you her class. Unlike the other dyevushki, she deliberately tried to wear want?” clothes that made her look unat- “The window,” she said sadly. tractive–and failed marvelously. “Oh Christ,” I thought. I liked Katya—a After that, the rest of the class All sorts of worthwhile men lot—but hadn’t even thought of her in romantic went pretty well—although I still threw themselves at her, and she terms. One time, for a variety of reasons, I had couldnʼt keep my eyes off Polina. rejected them all. actually slept in the same bed as her without I still donʼt know whether touching her. This is not normal behavior Fifteen minutes after class sheʼs asexual or a slut. Both ended, I found Polina outside smok- probably–some kind of religious for me. But Katya reminded me too much of ing a cigarette and kicking at the prostitute, a virgin whore. myself. And besides, it would seem reasonable snow. As I was coming out the door, I tried to maintain my to assume that anyone who would fall in love she dropped the cigarette and head- composure during class, to be a with me must be profoundly messed-up butted me in the shoulder. responsible professor. Granted, “I have waited for you, letʼs go,” I had taken this job with the she said in thickly accented English. explicit intention of sleeping with as many of my students as pos- “Um, okay, heh heh. Uh, where do you want to go?” sible, but still…it was my first day and, at the time, hitting on my What followed was a very slow and banal courtship that to students in class still seemed a little too brazen. me seems like the most exciting thing in the world. After a few But I couldnʼt help myself. I kept getting distracted and weeks things were going pretty well, though I still hadnʼt slept couldnʼt keep from gawking at her. The discussion was a massive with her—hadnʼt even kissed her. failure: I was unorganized and nervous, sweating profusely and (It should be noted that this is very unusual in Russia. As I leering at my student while my dick kept twitching around like would later find out, the courtship ritual is pretty fast-paced: You some Tourette ʼs syndrome child. The students were giving me get drunk and fuck the girl in the bar bathroom. If you go home weird looks and making me nervous, so I lit up a cigarette. with her, she figures youʼre probably nice and STD-free, a long- “It is not allowed to smoke here,” said some blonde whose term partner, so she asks you to not wear a condom. But when I name I never bothered to learn. met Polina I had only been there a month and was still heavily “Yeah fuck that shit,” I said bitterly. This was not an appropri- scarred by America. So I was taking it slow, letting her take the ate response. lead.) “But if they find you are smoking, you must pay someone 500 There as one hitch though, one that even I had recognized as a rubles.” potential problem: Polinaʼs best friend and roommate Katya—also “Nonsense. I am a professor. I can do whatever I want.” one of my students—was claiming to be in love with me. She had Silence for a moment, and then: told me this one night while we were sitting around drinking tea. “Can we also smoke?” “You,” she said, pointing a finger at me meaningfully, “you are “Fuck if I care. Shit, why not? Itʼll make for a better learning the one.” environment.” “Oh Christ,” I thought. I liked Katya—a lot—but hadnʼt That was how I won over the students and developed my revo- even thought of her in romantic terms. One time, for a variety of lutionary teaching methodology. At first it was a simple enough reasons, I had actually slept in the same bed as her without touch- concept: As Iʼve always imagined it, a good university consists ing her. This is not normal behavior for me. But Katya reminded mainly of people with British accents sitting around a big wooden me too much of myself. And besides, it would seem reasonable conference table smoking pipes and talking about Wittgenstein or to assume that anyone who would fall in love with me must be whatever. Never mind my gross incompetence as a teacher--smok- profoundly messed-up ing was the missing link that would suddenly turn this into a profit- I tried to explain it to her: I was looking for a lemur-woman. able learning experience for my students. My attraction to lemurs is complicated and mostly has to do with Over time this evolved away from the Oxford ideal. The first shit, but Katya, in any case, was not a lemur. She was a zebra, and major mutation was when I started encouraging students to drink I told her so. 26 Oregon Commentator “And Polina is lemur?” she asked in English. switched to English. “Da.” “You, you are the lemur!” she screamed, poking Polina in the She seemed to accept that, and I thought she had decided to chest. “And me? I am just a striped horse with a broken back!1 But kind of martyr herself for me. She started to give me advice about you, you are the lemur!” Polina. “Hwouohw,” said Polina. “Polina will try to destroy you. This happens often. It is not They both started crying and agreed to read their poems to simply out of wickedness that she does such things. Right now one each other one last time. To do this, they would need to smoke, young man is trying to drink himself to death because of her.” so we all went out the stairwell, and they squatted in a corner and Well, how could I argue with that? That was exactly the kind tearfully read a couple of poems. of girl I wanted, and yet I always seem to end up with girls like Then Polina took my hand, and we left. We walked around Katya—nice, weird girls who are great friends, and therefore ter- the city for the rest of the night, and then went back to her place rible lovers. Theyʼre too good, too nice. Their love is calm and around noon. She showed me some pictures and played a few maternal. American women, at their best, are like this. But thatʼs songs on the guitar. Then I tried to put the moves on her. not what I want. Eduard Limonov—one of my few true idols—put I looked her in the eyes, put my arm around her like some it well, addressing his sweet, loving American girlfriend who was gawky teenager in a movie theater, and went in for a kiss. prepared to do anything for him: “Nyet,” she said. “Please donʼt.” I was flabbergasted. What the hell was going on here? Look- “You already bore me, and the prospect of spending my whole ing back, I should have persisted, but instead I retreated like a life with a woman who has to make such an effort to come doesnʼt scared child. I had made myself too vulnerable again. You canʼt do appeal to me at all. I like expensive whores, lascivious kittens who that. If you want to get the girl you have to be indifferent toward tear you up inside and arouse you. But youʼre a country girl, a stu- her. Thatʼs always been my biggest problem with women: I take it pid girl with a big fat ass and fat thighs, a twenty-year old girl. And all too seriously. They moment they sense that youʼre desperate or you donʼt get under my skin, and you donʼt smell of perfume.” vulnerable, itʼs all over. Theyʼre cruel creatures, Polina especially so, and I had fallen hard for her. She had gotten under my skin, and A few nights after that I got a phone call, and Polina was on she knew it. the line inviting me to a party at her sisterʼs house. It was a lame She talked at me for a while, tried to explain herself, but I party. Katya was there, sulking in the corner, and Polina seemed to wasnʼt listening. I probably should have—she was coming down be avoiding me. I spent most of the time out in the stairwell, smok- from speed after all, and I canʼt really blame her for not wanting ing with some guy from Moscow. to have some fat, hairy-assed American pumping away on her, Afterwards, Polina suggested that she, Katya and I should go dripping sweat all over her face like some sort of low-rent water to a club. I agreed, and we took a gypsy cab there, drinking a liter torture. No one should have to endure that while coming down of vodka on the way. from speed. It was a peculiar club that seemed to contain all of the fifty or But she had hurt me, and so I had no choice but to retreat. I so black people who lived in the city. And Polina and Katya were was there for at least another hour or two, but I donʼt remember acting weird (I later found out they were on speed). They didnʼt what we did. I was shell-shocked, and my love for her was slowly say a word to each other the whole time. Polina and I were scrib- fermenting into hatred. I probably overreacted, but what else could bling notes to each other. I still have one (and it does sound a little I do? It hurt too much. better in the original Russian): I never spoke to her after that. But five months later, I still think about her. A lot. I am going “Standing in a dirty corridor back to Russia in two weeks, and I intend to establish contact and With a cigarette in my hand. finally gain access to that imaginary world of hers, planting myself I wonʼt come down from the sky there like a time bomb. I will probably marry her, and weʼll be For your look of desire.” happy for a couple of years. Those will be the best years of our lives, and then she will betray me. The way I imagine it, sheʼll Afterwards, we walked to some apartment where Katya was get back on drugs and start fucking her dealers on the side. Sheʼll had apparently moved. We were all sitting in the kitchen, drinking leave me no choice: Iʼll have to throw her off the balcony of my tea, when things turned nasty. Out of nowhere they started yelling high-rise Stalin-era apartment building. at each other in Russian. I didnʼt really understand what they were And that will be what I call “making love”. saying, and just sat there awkwardly, pretending to indifferent to it all, and waiting for them to decide my fate. Suddenly Katya

Summer 2004 27 Keep Your Grub- by Hands Off My

Pocketbook! THE LEGISLATURE KEEPS ASKING FOR MORE OF OUR MONEY. IT’S TIME TO TEACH THE FOLKS IN SALEM THAT THEIR AVARICE DOESN’T PAY. By Timothy Dreier

f all of us are guilty of one deadly sin, Oregonʼs is most In order for Oregon to remain competitive on an economic certainly greed. The recent defeat of Measure 30 by a level, this behavior must stop. The issue of bureaucratic funding citizenry tired of the governmentʼs continuous demands will is secondary, however, to Salemʼs unbridled lust for tax dollars. Ionly put a temporary stop to the money-grubbing by the folks Measure 30, and Measure 28 before it, points to the state in Salem. Measure 30 was nothing but an attempt to further government having an insatiable thirst for revenue. In lean times strain the resources of Oregonʼs taxpayers; the tax increases it they press us for more, but those measures would not be repealed contained, which were originally proposed by the legislature and once the budget “crisis” passes. Bureaucracy is self-sustaining, as only put to vote by petition, were completely unnecessary. At mentioned above, and those running it will certainly not want to least, according to the said same state government. give up any money. On February 3, the voters resoundingly rejected an increase The question, then, is how we break the cycle. The defeat in their tax payments. This set off a wave of hysteria around of Measure 30 a month ago is a good start. It will teach state the state. Doomsayers projected everyone would starve and all agencies that they must manage their budgets in a better manner, the old people would be homeless. Furthermore, there would and perhaps show that the Oregon taxpayers are unwilling to be no healthcare for anyone, and no retirement either. Such give them any more money. The budgetary process could also be dire predictions, and the same sort of exaggerated cynicism adjusted to reward agencies that spend less than their total budget from Measure 30 supporters before the election, were intended every biennium. Doing so will give government a real incentive to shame voters into opening their pocket books. And yet we to spend within its means. survive. Furthermore, as published in the February 28 Statesman If those in charge of the stateʼs budget refuse to acknowledge Journal, there will be no fiscal shortfall due to Measure 30ʼs the problem with their current spending regimen, Oregon is in failure. Revenue forecasts by the state economist have the $245 for a long haul of cyclical fiscal disaster. Because the state is million shortfall being filled with reserve funds. Whatʼs more, the so dependant on income taxes for revenue, every economic economic recovery has finally come to Oregon and tax revenues tribulation hits state coffers like a sledgehammer. The legislature are increasing even without an increase in rates. and governor take any increase in revenue as an excuse to Another article dated the same day explains that $76 million expand spending, never thinking that, when the economy turns in savings by state agencies have helped make a significant down a little bit in a few years, theyʼll be short of cash. There dent in the state budget deficit. Thatʼs a good start, but there are are essentially two options for solving this problem: tax reform certainly other things that can be done. One option is to reduce or smaller state government. Given that a sales tax in Oregon is the propensity of state agencies to spend the last of their budgets not very likely, the only really feasible option is a reduction in as the fiscal year draws to a close. size and scope of state government. The public education system, Much like the minicrats in the ASUO, state bureaucrats like to PERS, and the Oregon Health Plan are all filled with waste and zero-out their budgets at the end of the year, thus ensuring that the mismanagement. Administrative areas of state government are next budgetary cycle holds an increase for their particular agency. undoubtedly filled with massive amounts of redundancy and This sort of funding model only encourages wanton expenditure pork. By cutting the state budget, and staying within its means, by all parties involved, and causes the state government to seek the state of Oregon can ensure a stable, working economy without more revenue constantly. Not only that, but this funding model asking any more from the taxpayers. often also causes fiscally responsible agencies to receive cuts in funding. Essentially, state agencies, like ASUO groups, are Timothy Dreier, a senior majoring in Economics, was Editor-In- rewarded for being poor stewards of public money. Chief of the OREGON COMMENTATOR.

28 Oregon Commentator Best Of The OC

I HATE WHITEY BY A. SHO IKEDA

hite people really get on my nerves. Every day when M.P.H. in the fast lane, especially if they are old. White people I walk out of my home, I see them. Theyʼre on the run the whole gamut of terrible drivers. Did you know that bus. Theyʼre in the classroom. Theyʼre in the line for theyʼre involved in the most car crashes out of all the races? WSubway. Theyʼre on the TV. Theyʼre in the newspaper. Theyʼre Not only do white people enjoy driving poorly, they at the bars. Sometimes theyʼre even in my own home! sometimes enhance their driving skills by talking on a cell phone Take a moment to lift your eyes from these pages and look at the same time. around yourself. I bet that only a few feet away from you thereʼs White people are notoriously attached to their cell phones. a white person chewing some minty WHITE gum, reading a Theyʼre the ones who talk constantly on their cell phones book with WHITE pages, listening to their WHITE iPod, or walking to their next class as if they canʼt wait until theyʼre in scratching her WHITE self inappropriately. See what I mean? the privacy of their own homes to talk about the activities that Then take a look at the important fi gures and organizations in happened at Taylorʼs the previous night. No, white people have your life. Our professors are mostly white. Police offi cers are to tell the whole world that they got “soooo drunk” last night mostly white. The military is mostly white. Even our leaders are and giggled while they spilled half of their green apple martini mostly white: I mean, look at George W. Bush, even heʼs white on my shirt. and heʼs the President of the United States. White people just love to hear themselves talk. Most frighteningly, thereʼs a good chance that your own Whites also just love to hear themselves sing. Only the parents are white! white race could produce and listen to tripe like Kid Rock, Limp Theyʼre everywhere. Bizkit, country music, the Insane Clown Posse, Radiohead, Theyʼre in our grocery stores. That person who bumped Modest Mouse, The Postal Service, U2, REM, The Smiths, into your shopping cart with a shopping cart fi lled with food that The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Who, The Rolling white people eat, like Rice-a-Roni, Hamburger Helper, apples, Stones, The Beatles, Elvis, Buddy Holly, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, bagels and milk? Beethoven and Bach. I canʼt believe whites would let their ears That person is white. Or the checkout clerk who has to ask endure the crapulence of ICPʼs “Down With The Clown,” let for a price check on your purchase of a food that is non-white, alone Beethovenʼs 5th Symphony. like Swansonʼs Oriental Stir-fry Vegetable Mix? Heʼs white. Or “Wait!” you might say. “What about all the great things that that lady who smells like sheʼs smoked two packs today already whites have done in movies and other forms of entertainment?” and is fi shing through her purse for coupons while her litter of One name brings down all the achievements of white cinema, dirty-faced children tug at her stretch pants and scream from the television and entertainment in general: Carrot Top. Who in baby seat of the shopping cart? Yeah, sheʼs white too. whitedom thought this man was funny? An eight-year-old White people are invading our nationʼs interstates and roads maybe? No amount of genuine talent among white comedians with their Eddie Bauer 2004 Ford Expeditions and their Dodge will make up for the damage this redheaded albino monkey has Rams with the done to the reputation of white comedy. Not Jerry Yosemite Sam mud fl aps. Theyʼre the ones who keep Seinfeld, John Belushi, Steve Martin, the coke-fueled years speeding by you at 90 M.P.H. on I-5, while you get pulled over of Robin Williams, or even Gallagher and Jeff Foxworthy. going 80 in a 70 in central Washington state. Or they cut into Whites also participate in the most uninteresting sports on your lane without so much as a blink of their turn signal in their this planet. Soccer? Hockey? Those sports involve a lot of sitting cute little 2003 Honda Civic that daddy bought them for passing around, watching and waiting for someone to do something, like Math 111 with a C-, oh and they just had to pretty it up with a score. cute little “O” window sticker. Soccer and hockey are also two sports where tying is a Not only are white people notoriously fast drivers and bad common occurrence. Tying? Isnʼt that like kissing your sister? drivers, they are also slow drivers and will piddle along at 55 (Yes, I know that soccer is the worldʼs most JUMP TO 37 Summer 2004 29 THAT’S THE TICKET!

BY OLLY RUFF

ince first setting foot in this strange and foreign land - with to learn that he was a qualified medical doctor, this was more its purple mountainsʼ majesty, amber waves of grain, rock- than counterbalanced by the knowledge that his gubernatorial etsʼ red glare giving proof at various hours of the day that campaign had been financed by profits from the sale of drugs to Ssundry flags remain in position, Mount Rushmore, Rushmore minors. Nor did the misuse of prescriptions end there -- although Academy, and the great state of New Jersey – my day-to-day Deanʼs own addiction is said to be to a mysterious bubbling green existence has naturally consisted of a frantic attempt to absorb fluid that plunges him into an altered state within ten seconds of as much as I can of the dazzlingly unfamiliar information that is ingestion -- whereupon he grows an additional two feet in height, daily set before me. If I do say so myself, much progress has been sprouts hair all over his body, and rampages around causing made. By applying myself diligently from the day I stepped off havoc and mayhem. the boat with nothing but my cardboard suitcase, ragged dunga- This didnʼt exactly sound ideal in a future President, but it rees, and GTF appointment, I now consider myself au fait with occurred to me that this “Howard Hyde” could, if brought into many disparate aspects of the great American collective civic play sparingly at times of national emergency, be recast as a unconscious, such as Marbury vs. Madison, hamburgers, and the powerful asset. Contrariwise, Tim pointed out that since Dean “Tuck Rule.” would undoubtedly have dismantled the Army within two months However, this is a learning process without an end -- and as of taking office, the nationʼs borders would remain unsafe: even the New Year dawned, I became uncomfortably aware that there an enraged four-hundred-pound beast-President could scarcely be were many aspects of the American political process that still expected to fend off attacks from the Canadian and Mexican bor- perplexed me. Being more accustomed to changes of government ders simultaneously. It was a fair point, I had to grant him that. taking place through monarchic succession or occasional violent So Dean was a scratch. General Wesley Clark, on the other overthrow, with a well-regulated feudal economy built on the hand, could presumably be counted on to liaise effectively with sweat of the noble serfs who till the fields, this business of “elec- the military. Or could he? I was disturbed to learn that -- beyond tions,” “primaries,” “caucuses” and the like seemed thoroughly his dismissal from service on charges apparently relating to “trea- obscure. (Especially the frantic piling up of agricultural subsi- son” -- he was, at an earlier stage of his career, responsible for dies, while weʼre on the subject of noble serfs.) In particular, the the Khmer Rougeʼs program of genocidal massacres in 1970s dizzying array of candidates for the Democratic nomination did Cambodia. I had hitherto understood them to have taken place nothing to ease my pounding migraine. under the authority of Pol Pot, but was forced to concede that I Help was at hand. Drawing a cool damp cloth across my had never seen Pol Pot and Clark in the same room together. fevered brow, I was fortunate enough to be able to sit down with John Edwards is vigorous, a youthful 50, and smiling, but he Oregon Commentator Editor-in-Chief Timothy Dreier, while the is also in the habit of driving slowly down the sidewalk, deliber- Iowa caucus raged all around us, and have him explain the ins and ately running people over and then suing the carʼs manufacturers outs and ups and downs of the Democratic field. What I learned for liability. Frequently, he uses the proceeds to buy children as was shocking, but must be reported. slaves. We started with the man generally considered to be the front- The other John, Kerry, cannot quite be held responsible for runner: Vermont Governor Howard Dean. While I was impressed the situation in which he finds himself. Be that as it may, he is a

30 Oregon Commentator DEMOCRATS: EXPOSED!

member of the undead, or as I had it explained to me, “half-liv- How was it possible that a major national party had thrust these ing.” (Accustomed as I was by now to shocking revelations about nightmarish figures upon the world? I looked back fondly at the public figures, and looking at a picture of the guy, this was some- last election in my home province of Dorset, where the local how the least surprising revelation of the evening.) Animated by chieftainʼs son had painted his face with woad, struck off three dark forces, Kerry currently roams the hallways of the Senate ministersʼ heads with an axe, and then deigned to allow a delega- feasting on the brains of interns -- or children, for that matter tion of peasants to formally approve his appointment under pen- -- whenever the fancy takes him, but his run at the Presidency is alty of being fed to pigs. The forthcoming presidential election motivated by a passion for what is apparently a zombie delicacy: seemed unlikely to have such a satisfactory outcome. Moreover, the brains of Texans. all of the actual corporeal candidates we had discussed seemed to This was the stuff of infamy. However, Tim muttered darkly, have done at least one heinous and unforgivable thing to a group Texans of his acquaintance had “made plans” to deal with the of innocent children -- either killing them, ordering them killed, zombieful aftermath of a Kerry victory. selling them prescription drugs, buying them as slaves, eating Richard Gephardt was perhaps the biggest disappointment of their brains, or some combination of the above. This was awful! all, based on his outwardly pleasant demeanor and shiny, shiny What had become of America? Wonʼt somebody please think of face. Congressman Gephardt - it grieves me to report - does not the children? actually exist. A triumph of marketing, media manipulation, Amid all the scandal and disillusionment, only one candidate Stalinist revisionism, and CG effects design, the “Gephardt” can- drew a kind word from Tim. I was, by this point, prepared to learn didacy is actually a cruel practical joke being perpetrated upon the worst, but one man was finally here to deliver my reprieve. the electorate by a sinister cabal of malcontents and terrorists “Al Sharpton,” said Tim. known only by the mysterious acronym “DNC.” “Al Sharpton?” I asked. Meanwhile, Joe Lieberman and Dennis Kucinich are secretly “Al Sharpton,” he replied, emphatically. “I like the mes- in league to destroy the world. Clevelandʼs City Hall has been sage. I like the attitude he brings to the table. If he could only get built into a cunning “polarity-reversing” machine that will, when past this nonsense of caucuses and brain-eating in the next few switched on, cause the Earth to begin rotating in the opposite di- months, I really think heʼd have a chance in November.” rection, leading to catastrophic climatic change and the downfall He then threw his back and cackled maniacally, while ca- of humanity. The media has been slow to pick up on this, as they ressing the “BUSH IN ʻ04” button affixed to his lapel, the button have been distracted by the carefully manufactured distance be- glinted in the light. tween the candidatesʼ positions on the Iraq war, and by Kucinichʼs eerie resemblance to Pee-Wee Herman. (Also, very few members of the media live in Cleveland.) This pair, too, are responsible for sundry terrible acts perpetrated upon children, although a few minutesʼ musing left Tim unable to specify exactly what they were. That they were terrible, though, is beyond question. Olly Ruff, a non-voting felon, is a staff writer for the OREGON By this point, I was losing faith in the efficacy of the system. COMMENTATOR. Summer 2004 31 MY TIME AS AN INSURGENT

The harrowing story of Jeremy Berrington and his escape from the cluches of San Francisco and the anarcho-nutbags in Suite 1 rank Zappa is the root of my discontent. I was a naïve Jack told me that he was the head of a promising local paper Midwesterner growing up in Chicago when I first listened named The Student Insurgent. He seemed like a nice guy and he to that lunatic. Frank Zappa convinced me to move out bought me a beer. He observed that I was illiterate, homeless and Fto San Francisco with the purpose of joining a psychedelic rock obviously intoxicated. Then he offered me a job. I was hired as a band. I was too young to know better. Staff Writer for The Student Insurgent. I caught the Greyhound to the West Coast barefoot and Before being officially taken on by the Insurgent, I had to pony-tailed, with a suitcase and a snowboard. Within two hours go through the typical initiation routine. For those of you unfa- of arriving in San Francisco, I found myself a Fender Stratocast- miliar with this radical journalistic tradition, I will define it for er (with a Whammy Bar) and a rock band you. I was forced to take off my clothes, lie called The Tripping Strippers. We were a spread-eagle on the ground with my four quartet. Believe it or not, I even found my- limbs pointing in opposing directions. Then self a girlfriend named Bluesky. the Insurgent Editor (or “Grand Wizard” as Eventually, San Francisco got the better they call him) stood over me and made me of me. Even if youʼre homeless, the rents repeat these sacred vows: are unbearable. I paid three hundred dollars 1. Do you believe George W. Bush is a a month to sleep on my drummer Jethroʼs war criminal? – Yes floor. Then the big blow came: The Tripping 2. Do you believe in anarchy? – Yes Strippers stopped receiving Free Drink Cou- 3. Do you believe that Tofu is our god pons from the local bars where we played. and that we should offer human sacrifice Bluesky promptly found another guy to the Bean Curd nation four times a day? called Darkearth. I was of no more use to - Yes her once the Jack Danielʼs dried up. I was Once I repeated these sacred vows I had sharing the couch with a group of ten local to pass the initiation ritual of drinking five surfers whom I didnʼt know. It was time to and a half quarts of Vegan Soy Milk, sign- depart. I left San Francisco strung-out, tired ing three OSPIRG petitions to save the gray and hung-over. The only good news was that wolf and then picket against the War in Iraq I narrowly averted the raging case of Crabs for fifteen hours. After this grueling test I had common to expatriates of Haight-Ashbury. I to make thirty-five hemp necklaces, warmly consulted my local library, located the near- embrace thirteen African-Americans, climb est Ken Kesey novel and discovered there to the peak of forty-five old-growth syca- was only one place for ex-psychedelic rock- “As an Insurgent staff mores and cry for three hours. Then I had to ers to go once they were evicted from their writer I had a quota of donate my life savings to the non-religious San Francisco couches: Eugene, Oregon. fifteen drops of LSD a charity of my choosing and, finally, sign I sincerely thought San Francisco would up to be a Journalism and Political Science have prepared me for all the stages of West day. When I combined major at the University of Oregon. This Coast Radicalism. It was a terrible assump- that with the Eugene combined with my responsibilities as a staff tion. My story continues in the alleys adja- writer at the Student Insurgent, of course. cent to the Bean dormitories. I was stumbling faculty and citizen’s In the midst of writing an article on around in search of god-knows-what when I quota of five hits of acid Nikeʼs responsibility for the Second World ran into a man named Jack. Jack inquired as a day, I was plain out of War I realized that writing for the Student to what I was doing. I donʼt know what the Insurgent was quite like hell I said, but I impressed him. my element.” my experience playing JUMP TO 37 32 Oregon Commentator Long Arm of the Law By Sho Ikeda

The Student Conduct Code prohibits certain on campus behavior, including academic dishonesty and assault. But Chris Loschiavo and the Offi ce of Student Judicial Affairs want to re-write the Code to apply to off campus behavior. The COMMENTATOR has the whole story.

Summer 2004 33 committee of students, faculty members and Univer- I have to tell them, ʻSorry, I canʼt do anything about it,ʼ” he said. sity officials is seeking to update the Universityʼs Student However, contrary to what some believe, students who com- Conduct Code, and among the suggested revisions to the mit violence on campus usually do not end up being expelled, Acode is a recommendation to extend the reach of the Universityʼs Loschiavo said. He stated that most of the actions that the Student disciplinary hand to off-campus behavior. Judicial Affairs Program makes are “educational, not punitive”. The University Student Conduct Code is the main piece of Anger, intoxication, stress and other factors could cause a stu- administrative regulation that oversees the behavior of all of the dent to act violently, Loschiavo said. The Student Judicial Affairs students at the University of Oregon. It has not undergone any sig- Program considers all factors and creates a way for the student to nificant revision since the 1960ʼs. The University, reacting to the work out his or her problems, such as writing a paper apologiz- changes in the campus community that have taken place over the ing for and dealing with the situation, taking anger management past four decades, is working through the Student Conduct Com- classes, or engaging in meditated talks with the victim. mittee to make the first steps necessary to revamp the code. Student Conduct Committee Co-Chairman Jesse Harding One of these proposed changes is to broaden the Universityʼs agreed that most cases do not end up in suspension or expulsion jurisdiction over off-campus crimes involving violence. Currently, from the University. the code permits the University to discipline students for acts of “Suspension is an extreme penalty that is very rarely handed violence that occur on campus. However, it does allow the Uni- down,” Harding said. He stated that if a change to the code made versity to prosecute students one violation an offense war- who commit sexual assaults ranting suspension or expul- off campus if the assault has sion, “there would be no way interfered with a victimʼs aca- that I would advocate for it”. demic career, such as lowered Harding said he was grades and class attendance aware that there are many resulting from stress or misunderstandings about the trauma associated with the as- proposed changes to the Stu- sault. The change would grant dent Conduct Code. the University similar powers “One of the difficult when handling student-related things Iʼve tried to do was violence off campus. If a stu- to inform students of the dent is a victim of violence changes,” he said. “But people and his or her grades suffer always make comments after – perhaps they are skipping something has passed and we class because the assailant is donʼt want people to be like, in the same class – then the ʻHoly shit, this is unfair, we University can step in to try to donʼt want this.ʼ” remedy the situation. This has Harding noted that the already happened in cases of changes to the code are not on-campus violence and has intended to extend the reach rarely resulted in the expul- of the University over students sion of a student, according to Director of Student Judicial Affairs who get MIPs, spray graffiti or even participate in riots. Chris Loschiavo. “I think what we have is something that has a little bit of teeth Loschiavo illustrated his point by highlighting a recent inci- and can still be fair to students,” he said. dent involving an assault that occurred between two University Loschiavo said the proposed changes to the code were not be- students off campus. Loschiavo said authorities released the al- ing made to discourage riots from occurring. Many riots, spawned leged assailant and allowed him to return to school, then the Uni- by large parties and fueled by alcohol, have occurred in the West versity would not be able to become involved with the situation University neighborhood during the past years. The Eugene police under the current code. arrested several University students during those incidents. “That can lead to a situation where the [victim] can be very “In general, the behavior during the riots wasnʼt affecting uncomfortable,” Loschiavo said. “That can be a liability for the anything on campus; it wasnʼt affecting anyoneʼs education and it University.” wasnʼt affecting whatever was conducive to the learning environ- Loschiavo said there is a “lot of demand” to deal with vio- ment,” Loschiavo said. “In the end the committee felt that wasnʼt lence off campus; however, he added that there are, “people who where they wanted to go.” donʼt want us to have anything to do off campus.” However, Loschiavo noted that many universities are includ- “But violence is where we want to draw the line,” he af- ing participation in a riot as an offense in their student conduct firmed. codes, including schools in Colorado, Michigan, Ohio and Mary- Working for five years as the director of Student Judicial Af- land. fairs, Loschiavo said he has seen many students come in to report One of the concerns heard from the student body is the ques- incidents of off-campus violence. tion of whether the University is overstepping its bounds in pros- “Iʼve met with many students – some with broken jaws – and ecuting the crimes of its students.

34 Oregon Commentator In an April 22 editorial in the Oregon Daily Emerald, the Emerald editorial board questioned the need for “double punish- ment.” That is, a student could be charged and prosecuted in Eugeneʼs municipal court, while also undergoing disciplinary actions through the Student Judicial Affairs Programs. “One wonders, too, whether the University has a legitimate Due Process: Both private and public institu- claim on punishing crimes that didnʼt happen on its property, and tions are required to give students due process, that only happens to involve people affiliated with it,” wrote the guaranteeing substantive and procedural fair- editorial board. ness. Substantive rights are the general rights of Another concern is the major difference in the way the Uni- citizens to possess or do certain things despite a versity and criminal courts prove the guilt of the alleged perpetra- governing body’s desire to the contrary. Proce- dural rights are special and dictate how a gov- “If people have a problem with it, then they need to let erning body can lawfully take an individual’s myself and other people on the committee know that it freedom. According to The FIRE (Foundation for is not what they want,” Harding said. “I am fine with Individual Rights in Education), “The progress a student has made toward a degree constitutes that, because I want to do what is best for students.” property – a thing of value that belongs to a person”. Therefore, universities must pay extra special attention to student conduct cases that tor. may impede the educational process (expul- The “Myths and Facts” section of the Judicial Affairs Pro- sion, suspension, etc…) gram Web site (http://www.uoregon.edu/~conduct/code.htm) explains the differences between the campus justice process and a Jurisdiction: According to the Student Code of criminal trial: “The two main differences are that University rules Conduct, “The University’s disciplinary juris- are different from criminal statutes and the “standard of proof” is diction over students and student organizations different. In criminal cases the evidence must be “beyond a rea- extends six months beyond the last date of en- sonable doubt” (like 95%) whereas on campus the standard is the rollment, registration, or recognition. This juris- “preponderance” (like 51%) unless the student is to be expelled. diction applies to all cases except plagiarism or Expulsion, which is permanent separation from the University, fraudulently obtaining a degree, which have no requires the evidence standard of “clear and convincing” which termination date”. is higher than preponderance but lower than beyond a reasonable doubt.” Non-Academic Conduct: Dishonesty, disruption Therefore, though a student may not be suspended or expelled of class time and forgery of documents are all outright, the Universityʼs conduct process can more easily convict academic code violations, but the University a student of a campus crime compared to the criminal justice sys- can also punish students for a number of non- tem. academic conduct violations. Sexual assault, for Therefore, the University may end up using a justice system example, can be a punishable offense even if it where it can convict a student with an off-campus offense while occurs off campus, as long as both people are using less evidence than in a criminal trial. In the meantime, the students. However, the University cannot pun- student could also be going through a criminal trial in Eugeneʼs ish fraternities for rapes that occur on their municipal court. premises because they are not University prop- Harding said it was not too late to address any problems stu- erty or University supervised. The University dents had with the proposed changes. can, however, require fraternities to go dry. “If people have a problem with it, then they need to let myself Verbal harassment is also punishable, meaning, and other people on the committee know that it is not what they “Specifically insulting another person in his or want,” Harding said. “I am fine with that, because I want to do her immediate presence with abusive words what is best for students.” or gestures when a reasonable person would According to a letter addressed to all ASUO groups by Hard- expect that such act would cause emotional dis- ing, the University Senate will vote on the proposed changes at tress or provoke a violent response”. Stalking, their May 12 meeting. The Student Conduct Committee will hold defined as repeatedly contacting a person when public hearings on April 29 from noon to 1:30 p.m. in the River it is known that person does not want to be con- rooms of the EMU. The committee may hold more meetings prior tacted, is also prohibited. to the University Senate meeting.

Sho Ikeda, a senior majoring in journalism, was a staff writer for the OREGON COMMENTATOR. Summer 2004 35 How to Choose a Major By Jeremy A GUIDE FOR INCOMING FRESHMEN, WAYWARD Jones SOPHOMORES, DOOMED JUNIORS AND SEVENTH-YEAR t the end of this year, barring any further “help” from the practice Dr. Mengele medical experiments. Your wealth of knowl- University and given an act of God, I will be graduating edge about pain should yield exciting work in the field of Exercise and escaping this rotting moose carcass of a University. and Movement Science where they will actually teach you new AI was lucky in this regard: I knew myself and knew exactly what and interesting ways to hurt people. More interested in psycho- I wanted to do for a living. I knew I was a drunken, embittered logical pain? A major in economics will teach you a science so sociopath who would compromise anyoneʼs privacy for my own cold and heartless that it will cause most humans to cower in the benefit and then justify it by saying the public has a right to know. corner weeping like a hurt schoolgirl. Journalism was an obvious choice. Others, however, may not have If that doesnʼt work, go with your talents and skills. Keep in developed such useful skills. Thatʼs why Iʼm here to help. mind that for any major you really donʼt have to be that talented Choosing a major is not really as hard at it sounds... okay, in the given field in the first place; be liberal when thinking about scratch that. It would be easy if you could do something besides your skills. Seen a computer before? You are officially qualified for watch Kevin Smith movies while desperately trying to hone your a computer science major. Never seen one, but heard someone talk Jedi abilities by trying to make a bowl of half-eaten spaghetti float about it? You could get a CIT minor out of it. Point is, donʼt knock out of the refrigerator and land in your lap in an effort to end the yourself out; most 100 level classes would insult the intelligence of horrible suffering of getting up off your fat ass to shove more food that remedial kid in fifth grade with the helmet and mittens. in your pie hole. But it is possible for even the most pathetic blob Sadly, there are those that made it all the way through high of genetic material to get a degree. If that psycho ranting at the school without developing any skills or talents whatsoever. Itʼs amphitheatre can do it, so can you. much better if these poor souls avoid thinking for themselves as To start off, examine your hobbies and interests and see much as possible. Sociology is the only way these people will ever if a normal, sane person would ever, ever pay you to continue become useful members of society. (Note: Here the phrase “useful doing them. Of course, most people who are proficient enough at member of society” is used very loosely. At best, most sociology any activity to deserve a weekly paycheck have probably already majors are slightly less useful than car air-freshener... with a much made plans to do so. But if your chosen area of expertise has about stronger and much more foul stench.) as much market value as a Carrot Top workout video, then you If all else fails, try this tried-and-true method that will land may have to be a little creative. For example, if all you really know you the major best suited to your personality. how to do is sit at home, rent filthy movies and masturbate until Step 1: Drink a bottle of whiskey blood comes out, consider a major in electronic media. After you Step 2: See step one graduate you could be the one behind the camera during the triple Step 3: Stagger around campus drunker than penetration. A lot of people talk about money shots, but you could a Ted Kennedy clone sailor on shore leave. do something about it. Step 4: Pass out. Letʼs try another example. Letʼs say youʼre a twisted Whatever department is housed in the building you pass out sadist whose only pleasure comes from the tortured cries of the near is the major you will pursue. transients you keep locked up in your basement and on whom you Donʼt be discouraged if this method does not yield positive results the first time around. If you wake up by the EMU, the dorms or a fountain, just repeat steps one through four until drunken ambition leads you to your calling. Important decisions like this cannot happen overnight, but it will all be worth it when you graduate with your chosen major and go off into the world to get a job in a field that has no fucking relation whatsoever to the mindless drivel you learned in college.

A typical class at the University of Oregon. Sure, they will turn you into an incoherent liberal dunderhead, but at least we get cool headgear. 36 Oregon Commentator Best Of Jump FROM PAGE 32 rock and roll for that psychedelic rock My rock songs were incredibly one-sided and biased. Just like band in San Francisco. The fi rst thing that made this comparison the Insurgent! As a matter of fact, the only tangible difference I come to mind was the acid. I took approximately ten hits of acid realized between my experiences as a psychedelic rocker and as every day when I was a psychedelic rocker in San Francisco. As a serious liberal journalist was that I got laid for being a psyche- an Insurgent staff writer I had a quota of fi fteen drops of LSD delic rocker. Liberal journalists donʼt get laid! a day. When combined with the Eugene denizensʼ quota of fi ve Like many other disgruntled Eugenians, Iʼve taken up with hits of acid a day, I was plain out of my element. this lot. The Fender Stratocaster is in the closet. I fl ushed almost Luckily, there were more connections between the Tripping all my acid down the toilet. I donʼt care about the gray wolf. Sisters and the Insurgent than I originally thought. One of my Falafel tastes good but I hate it on principle. I quit the Insurgent favorite things about being in a psychedelic rock band was that and Iʼm ready to eat some red meat, baby! Give me a fork. my audience was too stoned to pay attention to what I was actually saying. This was true of my readership when I worked at the Jeremy Berrington, currently leading the revolution, Insurgent. I felt right at home, dude! is a staff writer for the OREGON COMMENTATOR Nobody checked the facts behind my psychedelic rock songs and I didnʼt need a bibliography. Just like the Insurgent!

Dinosaur Comics via www.qwantz.com

Summer 2004 37 HOBO LIVING, AN INSIDER’S GUIDE TYLER GRAF UNCOVERS THE SECRET LIVES OF VAGABONDS, DRIFTERS AND NE’ER-DO-WELLS

herever thereʼs a Dumpster, theyʼll be there: Dump- ing your companions humorously degrading names like Farfal- ster divers. Like trash-eating ninjas, they live among Marmalade-One and Bestial-Pederast-Omega. This will instill a the shadows of night, patient and determined to fi nd sense of camaraderie. Wthe next bounty-rich Dumpster fi lled with edible offal. Be careful when sticking your hand into an unfamiliar For those who donʼt know, Dumpster diving (or simply Dumpster. One minute youʼre pulling out a slime-covered “Dumpstering,” as it is known to those who fi nd it incurably hip head of three-week-old cabbage, the next minute your arm has to verb every noun that comes their way) is the act of rooting become a repository for all the smack needles in Eugene like around in industrial-sized trash receptacles for garbage to ingest. some kind of pincushion from hell. Surprise, youʼve got the The people who do this, however, are not bums; in most cases HIV! Creating a crude suit of protective armor out of corrugated they are average college students (as average as a person who cardboard and electrical tape can easily prevent this. Itʼs up to eats garbage can be). you whether or not to place a metal coat hanger – curved part The Dumpster-diving phenomenon has gained widespread down – into the cardboard helmet in order to create that special acceptance in Eugene, which is hardly surprising given what extraterrestrial look that totally freaks out the schizophrenics barely edible products some people exchange money to eat who call these Dumpsters home, but I would recommend it. (read: bean curd). The indie media outlets that plague Eugene Aside from the fi lthy bums who reside in Dumpsters, you like latent homosexual feelings among pro-wrestlers have pub- may come across a dead hooker or two. If this happens, simply lished numerous articles about the practice of Dumpstering, walk away. Thereʼs no need to feel sad for her. Just repeat to often written in language generally reserved for overwrought yourself: “She was probably already dead on the inside.” This coming-of-age stories about the authorʼs burgeoning sexual- will help you through any sense of moral compunction that you ity. In most cases, these articles are instructional and teach the might be feeling. Remember, there is probably a dead-hooker- fresh-from-Vermont trustafarian generation how hippies live in free Dumpster with your name on it right around the corner. Of Oregon. There are even informative videos about Dumpstering, course, this is not true for the Whiteaker neighborhood, where but these go for a ridiculous $20 a pop (okay, so youʼre willing dead hookers outnumber food in Dumpsters by a two-to-one to shell out $20 for a worthless video about Dumpster diving, ratio, so stay far away. but you arenʼt willing to spend $4 on fresh produce?). You should always bring a weapon when Dumpstering. A The information that currently exists on Dumpstering is gun might be a little excessive, but a baseball bat will do the noteworthy, but I think it lacks insight. Therefore, after a heavy trick. The reason for this is to destroy the Dumpster diverʼs arch weekend of irreparably damaging my liver, I have come up with nemesis and primary competition, vermin. Dumpster rats can my own instructional essay on the art of Dumpstering. grow to cyclopean proportions. To a rat, Dumpsters are smor- First and foremost, you must only go at night. Dumpstering gasbords of tasty delicacies: malodorous carrion festering in a is illegal in most states, so if you donʼt want to deal with the The sea of its own diseased juices; overripe produce teeming with ManTM, try your best to keep out of sight. The scene of your legs fruit fl ies; canned goods containing a concoction that is 20 per- comically dangling over the side of a fi lth-encrusted Dumpster, cent food and 80 percent botulism. These rats are huge bastards, kicking and swaying to-and-fro while you are face down in a often the size of a human midget, so if you see a shadow, swing pile of feculence, may elicit a crowd of spectators. freely and swing often. If the shadowy fi gure turns out not to be You should never go alone. Bring at least two people with a rat at all but is an actual midget, simply dump his corpse in one you. But make sure that you designate yourself the leader of of the Whiteaker neighborhood Dumpsters. Itʼs not like dead your rag-tag operation and solidify your leadership role by giv- hookers have exclusive rights to the use of these Dumpsters.

38 Oregon Commentator FROM PAGE 29 sport so there are a lot more non-whites who play it, but really, the rest of the world doesnʼt count.) What about other white sports? NASCAR? Swimming? Bowling? BORing. Additionally, only whites would be foolhardy enough to participate in sports known to cause permanent brain damage or loss of limbs, like bull riding, mountain climbing, BASE-jumping, extreme skiing, snake handling, and chess. Over the course of the past few years, whites are also losing their dominance in sports where they usually excel, such as golf and tennis. Look at Tiger Woods and Serena Williams if you need any proof. Take that, whitey! Because whites have lost their early supremacy in most American sports, they have insisted upon fi nding other sources of income and moving into the traditional job sector. Whites have taken away most of the countryʼs jobs ranging from food service to corporate leadership positions. Theyʼre the ones who are usually messing up your fast food order or putting you on hold while youʼre trying to resolve the Once youʼve found a Dumpster to your liking, send your two unmerited charges on your phone bill (mostly likely placed friends in opposite directions to watch for The ManTM. He can be there by some disgruntled white Qwest employee). Theyʼre a wily son-of-a-bitch, his cunning surpassed only by his hauteur, the also the ones leading the automotive and oil industries making him a formidable opponent. When The ManTM drives by, and are holding back the plans for cheap, alternative-fuel cars your lookout friend should drop his pants down around his legs, (designed by non-white, Japanese engineers, most likely) and grab his genitals and shake them with force, as if directing traffi c plotting in corporate executive rooms fi lled with cigar smoke with them. He should then amble in a random direction – his pants and sinister, fat-bellied laughter. still crumpled around his ankles – while gesticulating wildly in White people also have the least offensive derogatory random directions. His white ass will shine like a beacon in the terms used to describe them. Cracker? Honkey? Redneck? night, leading The ManTM in a direction diametrically opposite to These words donʼt have as much hate and power behind yours. Of course, your friend will be incarcerated for this little them like the terms used against non-whites. Really, what display, but there are worse things to get arrested for (ask Eddy would happen if you called a white person a cracker to his Morales for an example). face? Heʼd probably twiddle his thumbs and go back to Most likely everything will work out, and by the end of the playing solitaire or whatever white people do for fun. Say the evening youʼll have a bag full of fetid non-edibles. Congratula- equivalent to anyone non-white and youʼre going to get a fi st tions! You can now call yourself a Dumpster diver, which will al- in your mouth. low you to look down your nose at all the wasteful plebes who ac- Whites are responsible for most of the evil that happens tually work for a Goddamn living to buy food at the supermarket. in this world. Most communists and communist sympathizers Yes, dear Dumpster diver, you are far superior to these people, for are white (with the notable exceptions of Fidel Castro and you would rather eat the waste that others would never touch on a China). The Nazis were white, and most of the KKK is dare. Hold your head up high. And please donʼt forget to share the composed of white people too. For those of you on either side information that I have elucidated. In fact, cut this out and share it of the political spectrum, most Democrats and Republicans with your friends – especially the part about corrugated cardboard are white too. Most serial killers are white and whites armor protecting you from needles. It works perfectly. perpetrate most hate crimes too! But this is the most important information that I can possibly We all should know by now that white people are share: If you decide to Dumpster around my place, donʼt! Yes, you responsible for almost all of societyʼs ills. Donʼt let that fl ashy will fi nd fresh produce, but unless you want a mouthful of bleach, smile or fi rm handshake fool you. Underneath all that pearly I wouldnʼt touch any of it. I know how you fuckers think. white skin is a slow or fast driver, a job stealer, a member of the Democratic or Republican Party, a Nazi, a Dave Matthews fan, or a person just waiting for the right moment to commit a hate crime, maybe against you! The predominance of white people in our society is a plague on our nation, and we must say, “Hey white people, knock it off!” Then the whites might apologize, say something white, like “Okey-dokey,” or “Sure thing!”, and stay in the suburbs. And please donʼt get me started on the way they dance.

Tyler Graf, whose last three meals have been from “reconstitut- Sho Ikeda, who really likes Whitey’s Women, is a strange, ed” sources, is Editor_In_Chief of the OREGON COMMENTATOR. strange little man. Summer 2004 39 THE OLCC IS ONE OF THE MOST OREGON DRACONIAN AND ILL-CONCEIVED ENTITIES IN THE STATE OF OR- LIQUOR EGON. THEIR LATEST ABUSE CON- FISCATED $15,000 IN PROPERTY CONTROL AND CAUSED HAVOC FOR ALL IN- VOLVED. OMMISSION C By Tyler Graf and Sho Ikdea

he Eugene Police Department added a new weapon to In addition to the citations, OLCC seized band equipment their arsenal in their battle against large student parties last estimated to have a value of $13,000 to $15,000. Drums, speakers month. On Feb. 14, undercover police officers were used to and a laptop were among the items seized. Tinvestigate a student-hosted party in a house at 1591 Mill St. OLCC Investigator Mark Jaehnig said under Oregon statute, EPD was notified about the event when neighbors received OLCC is authorized to seize any property that might be related to fliers from the party hosts, alerting them that there would be a large the sale and service of alcohol. This includes any “entertainment party with two kegs of beer and a live band. EPD also knew about devices” that is related to any alcohol or liquor violation. Jaehnig the presence of kegs of beer at the party through a cooperative said that Oregon law even also allows OLCC to confiscate vehicles effort with the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, which shares used to deliver the alcohol and, though uncommon, the house keg registration information that provides officials with the name, where the alcohol is served. residence and other details of the purchaser of a keg. When asked why OLCC confiscated the laptop, Jaehnig EPD Sgt. Terry Fitzpatrick said officers that work in the explained that when the band wasnʼt playing, music was routed area know the house and it has been host to previous parties that through the laptop and into amplifiers. It then fell under the they have responded to for noise complaints. However, EPD definition of an entertainment device that was used in alcohol- spokeswoman Kerry Delf said the hosts of the party were not cited related purposes. for noise violations on the evening of Feb. 14. Jaehnig explained the OLCC has to be selective in seizing “That wasnʼt the problem here,” Delf said. “The problem was property and that large seizures are rare. that this was a party full of minors being sold alcohol.” “We have to be practical. For us to fill up two U-hauls and the Fitzpatrick said party hosts were checking the identification way space is in terms of our office and Eugene Police Department, of party goers and using a pen to mark the hands of minors. weʼre up against some space constraints,” Jaehnig said. “Where are However, Fitzpatrick said undercover officers observed minors we going to put everything?” buying and consuming alcohol, both violations under city and state “Thatʼs why you donʼt see it happening all the time,” Jaehnig regulations. said. Fitzpatrick said the hosts were marking the hands of minors The fate of property seized by OLCC is determined through with a pen for to identify them as underage but were serving them the court system. Jaehnig said a judge would decide what items, if alcohol anyway. He alleged that the hosts were marking hands to any, would be returned to the hosts of the party and the band. The show that they were making an effort, just in case police arrived. seizure of property, said Jaehnig, is not so much used for evidence Undercover officers reportedly used marked cash to purchase but is part of OLCCʼs punitive measures. alcohol and contacted Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick then showed to up Aside from the actions taken by EPD and OLCC at this the party with uniformed officers who were let in by a person who party, including the use of undercover officers and the seizure of met them at the door. expensive items, there are other important issues that require some According to a Feb. 20 Oregon Daily Emerald article, EPD discussion. cited 17 minors for intoxication, seized two kegs and confiscated EPD and OLCC officials said that both departments try to between $65 and $75 in alleged beer sales. Five residents, including educate students on the ways they can host a responsible party. four University students, were cited for furnishing alcohol to EPD receives keg receipts from OLCC and officers often “check minors and illegal alcohol sales.

40 Oregon Commentator Best Of News

in” with keg purchasers. According to testimony from Frawleyʼs roommates, uniformed Fitzpatrick said offi cers give advice to party hosts such as police offi cers arrived after the band had fi nished playing. The keeping noise levels down, not allowing minors who have been offi cers blocked front and rear entryways of the house and did not drinking to come into the party, and keeping people inside the let any person leave without asking to see identifi cation or testing residence rather than talking outside, which can be quite loud for them for alcohol ingestion. The offi cers announced they had reason neighbors. to believe that alcohol was being sold on the premises, confi scated “Many times [following our advice] helps prevents us having the kegs and called for assistance from OLCC. to be dispatched to a party,” Fitzpatrick said. Frawley said his roommates deny selling alcohol to any one at ASUO Legal Services also gives similar advice including the party. They checked identifi cation and had signs posted outside talking to neighbors about the upcoming party, asking for age- of the house that said minors would not be served alcohol. verifying identifi cation from people arriving at the party, and not Frawley said his roommates had sought information on how to letting unfamiliar faces into the residence. host a responsible party before the night of the party. However, despite claiming to do some of the things listed “They went to the police department and asked ʻWhatʼs some above, the hosts of the party and the band were still stuck with of the stuff that we can do to make sure [the party] doesnʼt get several citations and losses of more than $13,000 in property. busted?ʼ” Frawley said. Both Jaehnig and Fitzpatrick offered advice to prevent party Frawley said the roommates also got information from sources hosts from being cited for alcohol violations. on campus. Kirkpatrick suggested “I guess that they got the expanding on the idea from either something notifi cation of neighbors. “WE HAVE TO BE PRACTICAL. FOR US TO FILL UP on campus, from a class or He explained that students TWO U-HAULS AND THE WAY SPACE IS IN TERMS OF from something that police usually inform next-door offi cers have said before,” neighbors when preparing OUR OFFICE AND EUGENE POLICE DEPARTMENT, Frawley said. for a party. However, it is WE’RE UP AGAINST SOME SPACE CONSTRAINTS,” Several organizations on best to talk to residents of a JAEHNIG SAID. “WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PUT campus have offered tips on whole block when hosting holding responsible parties, a large party. Kirkpatrick EVERYTHING?” often giving advice to take also suggested setting a “THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T SEE IT HAPPENING ALL similar steps as Frawleyʼs start time and an end time roommates. for the party. THE TIME,” JAEHNIG SAID. Frawley said he thought Kirkpatrick that it was “ridiculous” that recommended that party thereʼs literature and advice hosts shouldnʼt be hesitant to call police if a party begins to get out on throwing responsible parties that his roommates followed and of control. He said EPD sometimes gets calls from hosts who have were still punished by EPD and OLCC. told people to leave the party only to have the revelers laugh at “It seems like they did everything as closely as they could to them. Though not a certainty, citations are usually not handed out [follow that advice],” Frawley said. in those situations, Kirkpatrick said. “The hammer is coming down heavier on them than it is on EPD spokeswoman Delf said it is not a fi rm policy not to other people who donʼt do anything,” Frawley said. cite party hosts who call for help, but added that there is a “strong Frawley said his roommates are in discussion with their tendency” in that direction. lawyers to try to get their property back. Some of the roommates Jeff Frawley, a University student who lives at the house where are part of the band and own the confi scated equipment. the party took place, said his roommates took several precautions Frawley said that he and his friends are dumbfounded that to make sure that the party didnʼt get out of hand. the effort his roommates took to prevent the party from being a Frawleyʼs roommates did not agree to speak to the OREGON nuisance to his neighbors, keep minors from consuming alcohol, COMMENTATOR on their lawyersʼ advice. Frawley wasnʼt at the and to keep the party from becoming a situation that required the party that night and was not cited. police to arrive didnʼt do anything to protect them from being Frawley said his roommates distributed fl iers solely to inform fi ned. neighbor residents. He said the party hosts were not intending to “They took these responsible measures that ended up advertise the party through the fl iers. The fl iers contained the date backfi ring,” he said. of the party, contact information and a listed time when the band would stop playing. Frawley said his roommates did talk to some neighbors, though he did not know if they had talked to every Tyler Graf and Sho Ikeda are both seniors majoring in Journal- neighborhood resident. Frawley said that no more than 100 people ism. They are Editor-In-Chief and a (former) staff writer for the were at the party, which was hosted in a large house with two fl oors OREGON COMMENTATOR, respectively. and six bedrooms.

Summer 2004 41 GAY MARRIAGE COMES TO OREGON BY DAN ATKINSON es, all right, so Iʼm late to the party on this, but I have a few interesting perspectives. First, Iʼve obtained some of the relevant legal materials behind Multnomahʼs Ydecision, as well as the expert advice of UO constitutional scholar Garrett Epps. Second, Iʼve got a unique take on the issue straight from the horseʼs mouth, Chief Justice Wallace Carson of the Oregon Supreme Court!

The Legal Materials: At the outset, itʼs vital to note that unlike California, Oregon does not have a “Defense of Marriage Act” explicitly denying marriages to gay couples, so whether or not Multnomah County officials are openly defying any state law based on their interpretation of the Oregon constitution is an open question. It really comes down to how you read the Oregon marriage statute.

The Oregon Constitution Art. I Sec. 20. Equality of privileges and immunities of citizens. No law shall be passed granting to any citizen or class of citizens privileges, or immunities, which, upon the same terms, shall not equally belong to all citizens.

Similar in terms to the U.S. Constitutionʼs 14th amendment, it has been held by Oregon courts to be a “good deal stricter” in scrutinizing state laws than that amendmentʼs “equal protection” clause, according to UO Law professor Garrett Epps. One thing I would add to Eppʼs observation is that it explicitly provides protection to “class[es] of citizens,” and not just individuals. This is rather expansive language, and might males to marry two or more females but I canʼt find a clever way arguably permit a member of a “class” to claim injury from a to ignore the “and” and allow two males to marry each other. law discriminating against that “class,” regardless of whether Epps, on the other hand, finds the lack of the word “between” he or she has suffered injury from the law. Perhaps—and this is to be significant, e.g., “between males . . . and females.” But this just speculation—this language might allow a person to sue for seems a distraction; the presence of “between” would not change the right to get a gay marriage before even attempting to get one either my interpretation or anyone elseʼs. Those who want to read and being refused. However, this seems to be becoming a moot it a certain way would see “between males” just as they now see point! “by males” and theyʼd be done with it, and Iʼd still not be able The important point is that the Oregon “equal protection” to get over the “and” that joins the males to the females. So who provision goes much further in protection of civil liberties than knows? the federal 14th amendment provision, and the Oregon courts have supported that. A Highly Relevant Court Case: Tanner v. Oregon Health Sciences Univ, 157 Or App 502 The Oregon Marriage Statute (1998). O.R.S. 106.010 Marriage is a civil contract entered into in person by males at least 17 years of age and females at least In this Court of Appeals case, which the Oregon Supreme 17 years of age, who are otherwise capable, and solemnized in Court refused to review, the court held that a denial of insurance accordance with ORS 106.150. benefits to the domestic partners of homosexual OHSU I canʼt find any support in this statute for the allowance of employees was unconstitutional because no “genuine difference” marriages between two males or between two females, strictly on between domestic homosexual and heterosexual partnerships the basis of the naked language. My final two cents on it are that could be found. the plural construction is a result of terrible draftsmanship but is The “genuine differences” test is now the reigning legal negated by the “and” in the middle. Perhaps it allows two or more principle on the legal status of homosexual partnerships in

42 Oregon Commentator Best Of Commentary

Scaliaʼs steadfast refusal to recuse himself from that Cheney case (a position widely frowned upon among the legal crowd). Then one young man stood up and asked, “What do you think of Multnomah Countyʼs decision today to allow gay marriages?” What is the sound of 200 hands slapping 200 foreheads? Of all the things to ask the Oregon Supreme Court. Here is what Chief Justice Carson said (get ready): “Iʼll answer that question by not answering it yet. Iʼm sure it will come before us in the not-too-distant future and Iʼll be happy to let you know what I think then.” So there you have it: the Oregon Supreme Court may have the last word on this contentious issue of state law! Just goes to show, the only stupid question is the one that goes unasked! This goes to show that the Oregon Supreme Court may hear the case eventually. But, the fact is, courts move deathly slow, and a couple other possibilities seem more likely in the interim. First, the Legislature may get into the fray before the courts do and clarify the (again, horribly written) marriage statute to either include or exclude gay marriage. If that happens, the Court could still hold an exclusionary statute unconstitutional somewhere down the line. Even more likely in this wacky state of ours, a ballot measure will come along to amend the constitution one way or the other. One can only imagine where that path might lead in “50/50” Oregon, but wherever it leads, the Court wonʼt be able to undo it. As Justice W. Michael Gillette put it, “Itʼs not our duty to set the policies we think are right. It doesnʼt matter how stupid we, as a court, think a particular law or constitutional clause is -- itʼs our job to interpret and apply it.” Oregon. It varies from the national standard pronounced in Oregon, by the way, does not have an activist Court. It has Romer v. Evans and Lawrence v. Texas, which provides that a very conservative (not in the political sense), precedent-lov- discrimination by sexual orientation is permissible if the law is ing Court that happens to be the only one in the nation to reach “rational.” Like our constitution vis-a-vis the 14th amendment, more than 90% of its decisions by full consensus. We may be the “genuine differences” principle provides much stricter one of the most free states in the union, but by and large, we got scrutiny of discriminatory laws than is seen nationally (even that way by constitutional design and democratic choice, not by post-Lawrence). judicial fi at. Multnomah County, adhering to this principle, probably However, if the Court does get to hear this issue (and it (rightly) concluded that there is no “genuine difference” between seems theyʼll take it if we offer), my humble opinion is that gay and straight couples that would justify permitting one class, theyʼll uphold Multnomah Countyʼs actions one way or another, and not the other, to marry. So here we are. Where will it go based on the character of the Oregon constitution and the next? “genuine difference” test established in Tanner v. OHSU (to deny insurance benefi ts to domestic homosexual partnerships, OHSU must have demonstrated a genuine difference between gay and The Oregon Supreme Court straight couples, which they failed to do). Last week, the Oregon Supreme Court sat at the UO Law This means that, for the time being, Multnomah County School to hear oral arguments on a couple of cases before them. can keep marrying gay people. It is likely, however, that weʼll Itʼs part of some “outreach program” they do, and, lecture hall see some form of legislative action or ballot measure in the near layout being the way it is, it is probably one of the few times in future. How does November 2nd sound to everyone? the year that the Court sits below the lawyers and the audience. Anyway, after hearing their cases, the Court took questions from students for a few minutes. Most were fairly innocuous; others provided the justices with fodder to mock Antonin Dan Atkinson, a fi rst year law student, is a contributing editor for the OREGON COMMENTATOR. Summer 2004 43 Campus Parking: What A Damn Mess. By Colin Elliott Photos By A. Sho Ikeda

ʼm not sure which is worse: waiting for hours in breadlines By the Education Building under communist rule or looking for a parking spot at this This lot is the most contested lot on campus. The size of it University. Seriously, if I wanted to write an analogy between as well as two entry points makes it an easy location for parking Ithe two, I could take up this entire magazine. Fortunately, vultures (to be described later) to feast on your slow, fat ass. instead of writing that article (and pissing you off) I have written However, before 9AM one can usually find a spot, as well as after one that tells you how to best manipulate the system to your 2PM. There is a possibility to find a spot here in between these advantage (send chocolate-chip cookies to me c/o: THE OREGON times, but again, competition here is high. COMMENTATOR). The other problem with this site is that it is a bit farther away There are three main locations to park on campus – behind the from most of campus (but not as bad as the lot by the law school bookstore, south of the Education building and over by the dorms and dorm courts). Education majors will love this place, but most and law school. There is a fourth spot, in unexplored territory by everybody else wonʼt. the Art school but I have never felt safe there since I affixed my “Nuke Berkley” sticker on the back of my rear window. The point By the Dorms and Behind the Law School is, if you read this magazine you probably shouldnʼt go there. For This lot is always my last resort – itʼs far away, in the middle now, letʼs deal with the places where your only threat is getting of Dormsville and at the opposite end of everywhere I need to be your stereo and/or car stolen (itʼs much better than parking on campus. However, beggars canʼt be choosers and this lot may anywhere close to the Art School, trust me). be your last hope if you come to class between the hours of 9AM to 2PM. There is almost always a spot here during that time, and Behind the Bookstore there is no competition. The problem is that a lot of kids park their The basic rule of thumb with any campus parking lot is cars here for a whole term, and so the lot cannot be measured by this: arrive early… really early… like, 7:30 AM early. No other the amount of spots it has, as half of them are always going to be place is this more true than the small amount of space behind full. the bookstore. Being a history/business student, I find myself Donʼt let this be a dissuasion. Sometimes one can find a desiring a place here above all others as McKenzie and Lillis are spot close to the basketball courts, saving a decent amount of right across the street from this lot. Also, if one is so inclined, walking distance. Even if parking all the way in the back is the Rennieʼs is now a perfectly legitimate “on the way” stop – getting only option, it still keeps one from playing cat and mouse with the a pint can now be just as routine as picking up a copy of The Eugene Parking Nazis (damn them!). Emerald on the way to class (and throwing it in the recycling before you get there, of course). Etiquette: Where was I? Yes, if you donʼt get there early, you are pretty Since, as I already mentioned, campus parking is akin to the much screwed. I have found that during a ten minute stretch squabblings over basic necessities in communist countries, there between 11:15 and 11:25 in the morning, there are usually one are some key things to keep in mind to ensure that you get yours or two spots available. Donʼt waste this valuable opportunity! If first: one does not arrive early or in the special ten-minute-only time, Reserving: This is the safest and most effective way to get a parking at that lot is not available until after 4PM. spot. It involves a little communication, even some that borders 44 Oregon Commentator Best Of Commentary

on harassment, but that has never daunted me. Find a good spot and wait – when anything that moves comes into the parking lot, ask “are you going to a car?” If the response is in the affi rmative, then follow up with, “may I have your spot?” Most of the time, this will work. All that now needs to be done is to follow the person to their car. Vultures my try to strike at this point – be wary. The weaker ones can be driven off by a simple gesture of possession or warning. The more vehement ones though, may require direct aggression including blocking their path completely or (this sometimes doesnʼt work) getting out of your car and working out a deal with the person leaving, saying they wonʼt leave their spot until the vulture backs off. Personally, I do the “reserving” part for people when I leave the lot, pointing to the closest car and telling them “youʼre it,” and not moving unless they are ensured to get the spots. I once had to mediate between three very angry women over who had the rights to my spot when I didnʼt take this precaution. Parking Vultures: These guys are the worst. I hate them. They swarm around the lot, endlessly circling, maneuvering, waiting, watching for the right moment to steal a spot right from under your nose. There is no sure way to defeat them though – not only are they everything-proof, they have no sense of respect for your claim to a spot. I have never been bested by one myself, but I have been challenged. I “reserved” (see above) with a girl in the bookstore lot and closely followed her to her spot. I saw a vulture circle around the back end of the lot and try to beat me to the spot from the other side, she was only seconds late. After I had turned off my engine she had the audacity to approach my car and say, “Iʼve been driving around for 20 minutes looking for a spot.” I said, “whelp, looks like I got this one, huh?” In hindsight I realize what I should have said: “one day a real rainʼs gonna come and wash all the garbage off the street.” The Rest: To my surprise, most people seem rather apathetic about getting a spot, they drive around a little, wait a little, and eventually settle for two hour parking and being fi fteen minutes late to their class. Fine by me, more spots for myself. There are yet others who drive around a lot without even looking where they are going – I have already had one such incident (fortunately the person was very nice, and had a great insurance plan). Despite the existence of such wonderful people, I cannot say it enough: watch where you are going. People will just drive into you, especially since the University, in trying to pack as many cars into a lot as possible, has made most of the lanes a car and a half-wide, leaving no room for error when searching for a spot. In essence, be alert, be aggressive, but also be respectful. Just as capitalism will always triumph over collectivism, you, by heeding this information, will overcome the horrible experience that is parking on the University of Oregon campus.

Colin Elliott, whose road-rage makes him uninsurable in 47 states, was Associate Editor of the OREGON COMMENTATOR. A. Sho Ikeda, whose fear of Colinʼs driving keeps him out of three states, was a staff writer for the OREGON COMMENTATOR. Summer 2004 45 ON THE BIG GREEN APPLE WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE: Might as well vote for Nader. —Amusingly augmented Alien VS. Predator Poster in New York.

This isnʼt a grass museum. —Protester Richard Cippola arguing that protesters should have been allowed to gather on Central Park. However, it is unclear whether he was referring to Cen- tral Park or the contents of his Altoids tin; there were lots of disappointed protesters either way.

ON LYING YOUR ASS OFF

Moore is often correct in his assertions...and his falsehoods It is his movie, and any audience unwilling to check the accuracy are his right to make. of what they are told deserves to be lied to. —Ryan Nyberg commenting on Michale Mooreʼs muck- —Nyberg again. No really, weʼre serious! Dead puppies! The racking documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11”. In related news, it things he does to their cute furry little corpses is truly unprintable. is reported that Nyberg killed his aging grandmother with an But, you should ask him sometime. Maybe even several times. Be- ice pick for the inheritence money and he likes to have sex cause if you donʼt check the accuracy of what your are told, you with dead puppies. Remember, falsehoods are our right to deserve to be lied to. So everyone, go ask. Do it for violated pup- make. pies everywhere

ON INCENTIVE PACKAGES

This is a real job. He will have to amuse and provoke-- although failure to do so will no longer risk beheading. —Events director of English Heritage, upon the appointment of the first offical English Court Jester since 1649. Whatʼs Carrot Top doing these days? Wait...What? Oh, so failure to amuse will NO LONGER risk beheading. Okay, forget it.

46 Oregon Commentator Spew

ON SPRINGFIELD’S And Our Friends in the Far East MAIN EXPORTS Smoking crack is the fi rst step to a more positive life. —Overheard on LTD by a man who clearly has a positive spin on his life. Prositutes can make a lot of money if theyʼre under the age of 10. —A friend of the aformentioned man on the bus, commenting on where his income is going. Uh...can we have the next stop please? Shit, itʼs funny to joke about it and all, but you had to bring up a real person. I can still say that stuff about crack though ʻcause I smoke it. — Our crack smoking friend has a compunctious moment of moral clarity. He will surely go home, light up his crack torch, and have sex with a prostitue above the age of 10. ON OLYMPIC FEVER Not being given advanced notice about the Olympics is like eating fi ve pounds of opium. ON BAILEY ON —Overheard at Joggers. Being warned about the Olympics, on the other hand, is more like spending a week in Bangkok huffi ng the fi ve pounds in the comforts of a THE ROCKS back alley opium den....wait, what? I am in serious depression. And I canʼt remember the last time I felt this horrible. I am as low as I can go ... [L]ife is not good right now at all. Not to mention the fact that I just lost the election for Student Senate President. I feel like *SHIT*. Someone please come and beat the shit out of me now ... —Eric Bailey, perpetual student government loser, in a LiveJournal post circa 2002.

Take a moment to bask in the marvel of superior ingenuity that is your brain! Now realize that you are lower than the scum underneath a viking whores toenail, although that might be insulting to her scum. If i ever met any of you i would literally beat the hell out of you because you deserve it and just because i could. -- Erik Prahlow, a friend of Eric Bailey, posting a comment to the OREGON COMMENTATORʼs blog. Wait, youʼre going to beat the hell out of us? Where were you two years ago when your friend was practically begging for it? Some friend you are.

Summer 2004 47