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INSIDE New Wrigley foul screens get sponsor page 2 Why is the D-Backs’ mascot a bobcat? >>> TM page 6 MAY 4, 2004 Rockies expect Estes to be a blast Volume 2, Issue 2 page 7 ‘For Cubs fans, by Cubs fans’ www.theheckler.com FREE—DO NOT BUY FROM STREET FOLK NEW SCOREBOARD DRAWS RAVES WENDELL WAIVED School crossing guard replaces base coach By Rob C. Christiansen Contributing Editor After having a league-high 20 runners thrown out at home last year, the Cubs dumped third base coach Wendell Kim in favor The new tractor race has revealed that of local school crossing guard Paula McGregor. Craftsman has more than one paint color. McGregor has 12 years experience in the related field of hold- ing up traffic so that pedestrians may cross the street safely. “We’re impressed with Paula’s track record,” said Cubs Fans Amazed General Manager Jim Hendry. “In her time as a crossing guard, there was never an incident of a student being hit by a car. While by Off-SSeason we wish Wendell the best, we also wish he had McGregor’s fine sense of judgement.” Kim appeared to be righting this ship, with no Cub runners Color Upgrade thrown out at home yet this year. However, he has made a few George Ellis blunders, including once holding up two runners at third. Editor Players and coaches have been quietly doubting Kim for some time. Even the most casual of Cubs “Wendell has lost his baseball intuition,” said Moises Alou. faithful has to appreciate the “In a game last week, after a hit by (Michael) Barrett, I was held improvements made by their team up on third, but Wendell waved (base runner) Alex Gonzalez this offseason. From Derrek Lee to over from second to join me there.” Greg Maddux, the North Siders “I don’t know what happened to Wendell’s faculties,” Cubs upgraded an already playoff-cal- skipper Dusty Baker said. “The other day he told me he didn’t want to be known as ‘Wavin’ Wendell’ anymore, so he wasn’t ED HELLER iber roster. Still, nothing could Unlike Kim, new Cubs third base coach Paula McGregor knows how to use the stop sign. have prepared fans for the biggest going to wave our guys home at all. He was just going to hold acquisition in 2004. everyone up at third.” “I look forward to working with McGregor said. “In order to do well as “The scoreboard’s in color!” “Wendell called it ‘stacking the deck,’” Sammy Sosa said. Paula McGregor this year,” said Cubs third base coach, I need the exclaimed 17-year-old Matt “The way he explained it to me just before Opening Day is he Baker. “She and I have talked quite a players to obey me. I’m aware of the Newman on Opening Day. “It’s was just going to hold up all our runners at third base, and when bit about base coaching and she has fact that the Cubs had a major league- like Play Station 2 up there!” the moment was right, send everybody home. Personally, I hate an interesting philosophy called leading five runners thrown out at Newman isn’t alone in his to see Wendell go. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have become ‘cross at the green, not in between.’” home with no outs last year. If any the first and only player in baseball history to smack a seven-run “In my job, success has always excitement. Fans have responded Please see ‘WAIVED’ in record-breaking fashion, com- homer, like I did in that eight-run inning against Pittsburgh in depended on the cooperation I page 10 ing out in droves to experience the April.” received from the students,” 256-color digital boards hanging in center field and on both grand- stands. “I used to think all Craftsman Minor League Osprey- Everything Fan Knows tractors were kinda yellow,” said Glenview native Stacy Pogue. “But Killer Sentenced to About Baseball Comes now that I’ve seen the tractor race in full color, I realize it was the old bulbs that were yellow, not the Christensen Beanball From PlayStation2 Game tractors. That’s pretty exciting.” It’s not just color, though. The Craig Shparago Ian Schochet baseball that could only have scoreboards were also expanded to Contributing Editor Contributing Editor come from playing the video game. feature more information to help While attempting to pass him- As part of his punishment for “Chris always liked baseball, fans follow the game. self off as a knowledgeable Cubs last spring’s killing of a protect- but he never really got into it all “Connie’s Pizza is a great way to fan, Christopher Sulnik reported- ed osprey, Cubs double-A that much,” said longtime friend enjoy the seventh inning,” said ly gets all his information from pitcher Jae-Kuk Ryu will have Kevin Horner. “But ever since he Pogue, referring to one of the ads Ozzy Ryu MVP Baseball 2004 for featured simultaneously on all to endure an intentional bean- got that PlayStation 2, it’s like we nothing will,” McDonnell said. PlayStation2. His friends say that three scoreboards. “I guess I’d like ing by his West Tennessee can’t get him to shut up about it. Before an April 21, 2003, Sulnik, a 25-year-old computer to see more stats up there, but Diamond Jaxx teammate, He’s always giving you his little spring-training game against consultant from Lincoln Park, what I really want to see is the soft- righthander Ben Christensen. A insights as though he just came the Port St. Lucie Mets, Ryu, a regularly makes comments on er side of Sears.” warrant for Ryu’s arrest had up with them on his own, but you native of South Korea, took sev- “A Butterburger would be nice, been issued in February when know everything he says is just eral tosses at an osprey from its too.” probation officials said Ryu had stuff he’s seen happen in that nest. Ospreys are recognized by While most fans are thrilled neither completed his required game. And he doesn’t really the state of Florida as a species with the new scoreboards, a small 100 hours of community service know what the hell he’s talking of special concern, meaning minority can’t help but wonder if nor had he issued a formal apol- about. their habitats are vulnerable. they break with tradition. ogy, both part of a plea deal the “Like this one time, Alex The osprey, known affection- “It’s color. I get it. But I thought 20-year-old agreed to last Gonzalez gets on first with a ately as “Ozzy” to locals, even- the Cubs promised never to put up August. Last week, Volusia walk, and Chris starts saying tually died, and Ryu apologized advertisements inside the stadi- County Judge Theodore how fast Gonzo is and how he’s for his actions at the time. um,” said die-hard fan Bobby McDonnell issued the punish- definitely going to steal. Well “I am very sorry I repeatedly Westmiller. “That McDonald’s ad ment. we’re all just sitting around “If a trademark Ben tried to hit that gentle, majestic, Sulnik thinks Wood’s a great pitcher looks a lot like an ad to me.” because he strikes out every batter with Please see ‘PS2’ Christensen beanball won’t Please see ‘BIRD KILLER’ Cub President Andy MacPhail his “square button pitch,” er, slider. page 5 insists fans have nothing to worry knock some sense into that boy, page 4 about. “An ad? No, you’re just con- Also inside: crossword, word find and Pete Rose PAGE 10 fused by all those fancy colors,” he said. “Did you know Craftsman Lo-Carb fever hits Political beat: Mmm Tax day 2004 no sweat Go for a stroll with guarantees their tools forever? It’s Wrigley concessions ... cinnamon rolls for Dusty Baker HBO’s Jeff Garlin true.” PAGE 2 PAGE 4 PAGE 5 PAGE 12 2 | MAY 4, 2004 TM New Wrigley Foul Screens THE GREAT PRIOR INJURY OF ’04 Sponsored by PitchBack Prior Rumors Now Jeff Norman Contributing Editor Getting Ridiculous The Chicago Cubs announced today that The Cubs organization, fearing a they have sold the naming rights to the new Injury faked in public backlash and decline in interest foul ball screen behind home plate to in this year's team, reportedly PitchBack Inc. —the popular children’s throw- favor of Iditarod? attempted to cover up the real reason back companion screen. Pat Lytle for Prior’s absence, while at the same The move comes fresh off of the Cubs first Contributing Editor time trying to convince him to return home stand of the year in which fans wit- to baseball. nessed foul ball after foul ball bounce back off In recent weeks, rumors have circu- Not denying the rumor, Dusty the foul screen—designed to protect those lated regarding the health of ailing Baker responded to it only by saying, seated behind home plate—and onto the field. hurler Mark Prior. From accusations “What the ... are you ... I can't believe The returning foul balls have then been strik- of steroid use to talk of a Tommy John you people. Get out of my face.” ing scores of unsuspecting batters, catchers, cover-up, much has been suggested When asked if it was true that his umpires and ball boys. regarding the star pitcher. The Cubs new love of sled dog racing was One of those hit by PitchBack Foul Ball have vehemently denied the rumors.

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