= = = SUPER-VIVOR! EPISODE THREE in FACT, WE're an ICE CREAM TRUCK = = = = = = (Authors

= = = SUPER-VIVOR! EPISODE THREE IN FACT, WE'RE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK = = =

= = = (Authors Note: Any and all references/anecdotes about the castaways and their lives outside of the game, as well as the depictions of the castaways herein, as well as any references/anecdotes to their previous "Survivor" experiences are all purely fictitious and based around stereotypes from the show. We also apologize ahead of time to the people of the nation of Australia since, well, you’ll find out when it happens. This is entirely fictitious and meant for entertainment purposes solely. Also, some material in this story may be extremely offensive to people of different genders, races, disabilities and sexual preferences. Marcy and Matt (the authors, Marcy being a big gay Canadian and Matt being a tree-hugging liberal pussy) love everybody equally so no harm is meant. If any Survivors actually happen to read this story, please don’t kill us or sue us. We love you all, and this is all just meant in good fun.) = = =

- - - Rupert's Angels Christy Smith, Clay Jordan, Colleen Haskell, Eliza Orlins, Jerri Manthey, Pussy Willows, Rudy Boesch, Rupert Boneham, Sandra Diaz-Twine - - - The S*** Tribe Amber Brkich, Colby Donaldson, Jon Dalton, Kathy Vavrick O’Brien, Michael Skupin, Richard Hatch, Rob Mariano, Rory Freeman - - -

(Dramatic Ancient Voices music kicks in as we get some images of Australia. Crocodiles looking angry. Snakes swimming in the river. Wombats fighting. Big Tom dancing merrily.)

"20 ALL-STARS"

COLLEEN, behind a bunch of flies. Rob Schneider looks on in the background and smiles.

RUPERT, breaking through the ocean like Poseidon, god of the seas. A huge trumpet fanfare greets him as he jumps out of the water.

JERRI, a picture of Linda Blair from the Exorcist.

JON, running by and flashing his gang signs.

(Shot of people jumping off a cliff for some reason. They pile up in a bloody heap on the ground as dramatic music accentuates the shot.)

CLAY, showing a picture of the top of his head. Fades into view of him in a challenge, where we only see his forehead bobbing up and down.

CHRISTY, the music gets real loud as Christy’s picture crosses the screen. "(CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED.)"

RORY, a shot of LeVar Burton getting whipped in Roots.

RUDY, looking very old.

LILLIAN, looking older. She cries.

VECEPIA, sitting in a hammock. She yawns. (Shot of a platypus just sitting there. More of Big Tom dancing.)

"A WHOLE LOTTA DAYS"

KATHY, squatting on the ground.

LEX, carving tattoos into his knuckles with the top of a tin can.

SANDRA, looking angry and shouting.

ROB, beating his grandmother with a tire iron. He giggles.

MICHAEL, a picture of the Human Torch.

SUSAN, looking angry and shouting. A banjo riff goes off in the music as her picture fades in and out.

(A shot of the production camp littered with empty beer cans.)

ELIZA, looking particularly bony with her mouth open like a large-mouthed bass.

COLBY, grating cheese on his abs.

RICHARD, grating cheese on Colby’s abs.

AMBER, just a long holding shot on her picture that fades in and out as if it’s particularly important.

RUPERT, now framed to look like Zeus, because we just can’t get enough of him.

(A shot of people digging a hole for some reason.)

ONE SUPER-VIVOR!

(A bunch of people covered in mud walking to Tribal Council.)

(Lots of swirling shots of fire, people and Tribal Council as the SUPER-VIVOR! logo comes up.)

(Quick shot of Boris Yeltsin in Elisabeth’s headdress. Foreshadowing?!?!?)

= = = DAY SEVEN = = =

- - - The S*** Tribe - - -

(All is calm within the S*** Tribe boma. Kathy whittles a fishing rod from a piece of bamboo with a machete. Colby admires his reflection in the lake. Rob and Amber go at it in the bushes.)

KATHY: Man, they sound like gorillas beating a watermelon with a large fish.

(Jon runs by the screen proudly flashing his gang signs. Yup, it’s a good old fashioned day in Survivor- land.)

JON (Confessional): I hate when you get too far into these games how everything gets real boring! I mean, where’s the yelling? Where’s the fighting? Where’s the naked lesbian throwdowns? I mean, come on, the people demand naked lesbian oil fights, but do we get them? Noooooooo. What are we supposed to live like out here, savages? This place f***ing blows. (Beat) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Rory digs a ditch with a pick ax.)

RORY (singing): Gonna go and dig me a hole; gonna put whitey in it; not gonna get sold; because I’m gonna win it. Survivor that is.

(He looks to the camera.)

RORY: Lordy I’m smart. I mean, I can’t really explain it, my level of brilliance is obviously beyond that of mere mortals, and, well, as you can tell I’m going to pull off a win. I mean, getting there from here is obviously going to be difficult, but, well, I’m going to pull it off. Because I'm the best.

(Michael walks by with the bloody carcass of another small animal in his hand.)

MICHAEL: I don’t get it, you don’t like to perpetuate the myth of the angry black man and want to show that you’re just as good as any of the rest of us, yet all you do is talk about being a slave and being different and how nobody respects you when we clearly love all the manual labor and shoe maintenance you’re doing around camp. You’re a valuable and productive member of the tribe, and I honestly don’t know what we’d be doing without you.

(Rory looks confused.)

RORY: Leave my face. Fag!

(Michael walks away with his dead animal in tow.)

MICHAEL (Confessional): Rory, he’s such a wacky minority. I’m glad we have one on our tribe, otherwise I wouldn’t know what we’d do for a merry lark!

- - - Rupert's Angels - - -

(Things are looking bad for the Rupert’s Angels Tribe. Rain pours on the lowly members of the tribe as they all huddle beneath their shelter for warmth, pretty much everyone cuddling up next to Rupert.)

ELIZA (Confessional): Tribal Council is a dirty, smelly place, and I don’t like it. It’s a place for losers and stinky and ignorant people and, ah f*** it, I can try to be the cute one but I can’t change the fact that I'm not. Colleen’s the cute one. I’m as cute as her but still not as skinny or non-Jewish as her, but I’m working on those.

(Eliza forcibly vomits over the edge of the shelter.)

SANDRA: What are we gonna do about this f***ing rain man?

RUDY: I dunno. Wait for it to stop I guess?

SANDRA: No, not the rain, man, the rain man, he’s been standing there staring at me all day and it’s really beginning to f***ing freak me out.

(Panning over, indeed Dustin Hoffman is standing inside the boma. As the camera focuses on him, he starts banging on the side of his head and wailing uncontrollably.)

CHRISTY: ...Am I the only one who finds any of this weird?

(For the first time in a long time, everyone looks at Christy not like she’s a car wreck or a sideshow attraction, but like she actually has something of value to say.) CHRISTY: I mean, things always change around here and random things pop up, but after every three days it just changes back like nothing’s happened. I mean, we had two people leave the game in the first days but no one really cares about what happened to them, both Lex and Vecepia have been voted out but no one talks about them like they’re real, and Eliza was in a toxin-induced hallucination yesterday and today she seems no worse for wear. If anything, she seems better than ever!

(Pan over to Eliza who looks at herself frantically in a mirror.)

ELIZA: GOD, I'M NOT THIN ENOUGH! I'M NOT THIN ENOUGH!

(Sticking a finger down her throat, she continues to vomit.)

CLAY: Thedeafgirlthere'sgotapointsinceeliza'slookinHOTimeanshe'sgotaniceassi'dliketosticksomethinginandmo reinappropriatebatnterthatmakesmelookcutesincei'mhalfwaybetweenaredneckandjiminycricket.

CHRISTY: And then there’s all of these qualities about us that are exaggerated whenever we get in front of the camera. It’s like this is all some horrible practical joke that we’re all a part of. I mean, seriously, look at this rain cloud!

(Sure enough, the rain cloud is over only the boma, leaving the rest of the outback dry.)

RUPERT: You know what Christy… you’re absolutely correct. You’ve made an astute and powerful observation and I’m sorry that none of us have acknowledged you for your worth before. We could really have been using your smarts all along instead of making fun of you for being different!

(Beat.)

CHRISTY: WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?! I’M DEAF! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

RUDY (Confessional): This is getting old. I know old, because I’m old.

- - - The S*** Tribe - - -

(In the sky above camp, a ball of fire plummets to earth, scaring off birds and uprooting trees from miles around. It slams into the ground, carving out a worthy canyon and sending out a massive shockwave of dust that rattles The S*** Tribe’s boma. Kathy coughs lightly as she continues to eat her fish. Richard comes running to the boma.)

RICHARD: Hey, I found something awesome out here! You have to come see it, there’s no time to explain!

(Pan over to Michael who is performing neurosurgery on Jon. Various pieces of brain and skull litter the camp as Michael delicately pieces it all together.)

MICHAEL: Can it wait?

RICHARD: No, it can’t!

MICHAEL: Well, when you put it that way…

(Michael rams the rest of Jon’s brain and skull back in haphazardly, putting his mop of hair on top of it and staples it into place.)

(Cut to another section of the outback where the rest of the tribe is gathered around something in the dirt.) KATHY (Digging in the dirt): It's the skull of a man!

(Zoom out, there's a giant flying saucer, half buried, behind her.)

JON: Boy, THAT's pretty hard to miss. ALLMUSTDIE!!!

(Several aliens come out of the craft and stand around, arguing.)

ALIEN ONE: AdgfmngkJesuseraeafdsfdewsBarrysgingde! (Subtitle: "Jesus, Barry, you crashed it right into Eco-System #12!")

ALIEN TWO: Ddgesadfvcioooooosdfgndgjusgfdslgncbuidgneuadddlckgjbnfugnda! (Subtitle: "Hey, it's not my fault this saucer is a piece of crap!")

ALIEN THREE: SwqtiadfnadughdaMarkadgutinew! (Subtitle: "Yeah, Mark, why the f*** did you have to buy a Japanese model?! I told you Planet Japan is unreliable!")

ALIEN ONE: Dedsssiiiiiihgfdgue! (Subtitle: "It's cheap, you jerk!")

(He looks closer.)

ALIEN ONE: Tadsfndasiogdaeun! (Subtitle: "Aww, crap, can you see how badly this paint is chipped?!")

ALIEN TWO: Teasfbbbbbbbbbe! (Subtitle: "Yeah, that's pretty bad. Sorry.")

ALIEN THREE (Pointing at the subtitles) Tersaxge?! AGFDGF! (Subtitle: "What the f*** are these words under our heads?! WHAT KIND OF FREAKSHOW PLANET IS THIS?!")

(Beat. Pan back over to the tribe, completely oblivious to the aliens.)

RICHARD: Who do you think that skull belonged to?

(The aliens point to the humans and react enthusiastically. One points to Amber and mimics her breasts on its own flat body.)

ROB: Maybe it belonged to one of the ancient aboriginians.

(The aliens jump down, dragging a screaming Amber off and into their spacecraft.)

MICHAEL: It’s pronounced aborigine you ingrate.

AMBER (OS): OH GOD NO, NOT THERE, NOT IN THERE AIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH DON’T STOP!!!

ROB: Thanks, ah have problems pronouncing it sometimes bein' that I’m a dirty Italian and all, so thanks for helping with that.

AMBER (OS): Hello tribemates.

(She comes walking back to her tribe with a metal transmitter disk sticking from her skull, glazed over eyes and a monotone speech.)

AMBER: I think it would be in our wisest interests to go back to camp and avoid this area entirely since it might be infested with Draknorian brain para-err, must think of something resident, infested with koalas.

MICHAEL (Whispering to Colby): What’s wrong with Amber? COLBY (Whispering to Michael): I dunno, new haircut?

MICHAEL (Whispering to Colby): I don’t think so, it’s still parted the same way.

COLBY (Whispering to Michael): Maybe she’s on her period?

(They both look to Amber as she convulses on the floor, drooling and spouting out nonsense as her disk receives another transmission.)

MICHAEL (Whispering to Colby): Yeah, that must be it.

COLBY (Confessional): I hate it when girls have their periods, it makes them really bitchy and gassy and a pain to go down on. Amber’s a moron for bein’ born a woman, and I’m officially cutting all my ties to her.

(Eliza runs in to camp holding a scroll and waving it wildly. Being as skinny as she is, she manages to make it through the impossibly small gaps in the boma walls without so much as a scratch.)

ELIZA: We got Tree Mail guys! We got Tree Mail!

(Everyone puts down what they were doing to go and listen to the Tree Mail. Jerri steps out from the noose that she has managed to hang underneath a nearby tree branch.)

ELIZA: "Memo from JP to MB. Do we really have to keep entertaining these nutcases? Seriously, they don’t realize how low they are on the level of true entertainers. There’s actors, soap opera actors, there’s mimes, there’s Satan, there’s James Lipton and then there’s reality TV show contestants. I mean, seriously, where do they get off thinking that we need to run another show for them to win a million dollars when it’s already obvious that the brilliant and beloved Rupert Boneham is going to take home the prize again? Seriously, how dumb do they think we are? Real people are starving in the world, dying by the millions every day, and these people think they can get away with complaining about being hungry? And man, isn’t Jerri a cheap slut?"

(Beat.)

JERRI: Man, that was the most confusing one yet! What do you think the challenge is going to be?

RUPERT: I don’t know, but I’m certain that we are going to win it.

JERRI: What are you basing that on?

(Rupert looks on confusedly to Jerri. Shifty eyes back and forth as Jerri continues to stare Rupert down, while Rupert looks like a caveman first understanding how fire works.)

RUPERT: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! MINIONS, TAKE CARE OF THE NON-BELIEVER!

(Eliza and Rudy rush over, bludgeoning Jerri repeatedly with tree limbs. Pussy Willows jumps from a tree and starts to claw at Jerri’s face as “Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead” plays on in the background.)

CLAY (Confessional, as always, the top of head is all that’s visible): Wellwethargotachallengetodaythatireallywanttowinsincewehaven'twonanythingsincethefirstimmunityan dit'dbereallygreatforusasatribeifwecouldwinsomethingbutboyhowdyit'dbegreatthoughiamwonderingabo uttreemailsinceitwasobviousthatthiswasaconfidentialmemothatgotsenttothewrongplaceoutofeitheracleri calerrororsomeonebeingsimplylazybutiamwonderingwhattheothertribegotnowsincewegotthewrongmail.

- - - The S*** Tribe - - -

(Kathy drags Jon back into camp while a Tree Mail scroll is in her other hand. Colby is rolled up in a fetal position while sucking his thumb, rocking back and forth as his eyes are open extremely wide.

AMBER (Monotone as her antenna beeps repeatedly): Oh my goodness. Is it Tree Mail time already?

KATHY (Shell-shocked): I don’t know.

AMBER (Monotone): Well, was there anything in the box?

ROB: Hehe, she said in the box, just like a c***.

(Silence. Crickets chirp.)

RICHARD: Dude, you have issues.

KATHY: ...I don’t know, it was only filled with naked Polaroid’s of that Scout chick from Vanuatu with a bottle of whipped cream and a phone book. I’ve seen things that I wouldn’t wish upon my greatest enemy. Seriously, right now I would shoot myself in the head if I had a gun.

(She turns around to politely vomit out of camera’s view.)

(Awkward beat.)

JON: WOOOOOOOOO!!! CHALLENGE!!!

- - - Challenge Beach - - -

(The tribes walk in to Challenge Beach as Jeff stands on top of a fifty foot tower made of bamboo.)

JEFF (Shouting down to the castaways): Welcome, tribes, to your second Reward Challenge! We’re trying something new today in a game we like to call “You Catch It and You Keep It!”” Long story short, I’m gonna be tossing some valuable survival supplies off this tower, and in pairs, you will keep whatever you can successfully catch. The tribe that successfully catches the most will win what both tribes caught. Sound like it’s worth playing for? Well, I don’t really give a s***, I just dropped some acid and I wanna get this over with before it really kicks in. Pair up and let’s get this over with.

(Jerri and Rob are the first to step onto the field, as Jeff holds some knives and a frying pan in his hand.)

JEFF: All right, first up, Jerri and Rob, you guys are going to be catching some kitchen supplies!

(Jeff starts throwing knives and frying pans at Rob and Jerri with particular glee. Several knives stick in Jerri’s chest, while an errant frying pan knocks out most of Rob's teeth. Jeff continues throwing various jars of spices at the unconscious Rob, giggling as he twitches on the ground.)

JEFF: Next up, Sandra, Rory, and that giant gremlin growing out of his face, assuming of course that it's real and not an acid induced hallucination. You’re playing for some bags of rice and canned food!

(Jeff begins throwing canned food like a pitcher at the two minorities. Cans bounce off Rory’s forehead, though he manages to catch a bag of rice somehow. Sandra manages to dodge most of the cans, but steps on one and twists her ankle.)

SANDRA: F***ING F***!!! GOD D*** IT PROBST MOTHERF***ER I’M GONNA F***ING R*** YOUR G******!!! (Jeff stops throwing the food as he holds up a spear.)

JEFF: All right, I know you guys are going to like this one! One brand new Hawaiian sling!

(Everyone cheers, while Rupert and Richard are practically orgasmic over a new fishing spear. Rupert and Kathy step up as the new catchers as Jeff looks on from the tower.)

JEFF: Survivors ready, GO!

(He tosses the spear into the air. Rupert runs over to Kathy, punching her in the throat before plucking the spear from midair. He lets out a Rupert Roar ©®™ as the rest of his tribe cheers on. No one notices Kathy on the ground as she violently coughs up blood.)

JEFF: All right, next up we have Christy and Michael. You guys are playing for one brand new shiny cooking pot.

(The castaways cheer below while Jeff looks on with a grin.)

JEFF (To camera): Now, what these castaways don’t know is that this is one extra special reward prize. Within this cooking pot are not one, not two, but three, count 'em, three solid gold bars.

(Jeff drags the cast iron pot to the edge of the tower as Christy and Michael look on eagerly below. With one toss, he throws the pot. Michael makes a lunge for it, but lands in the mud, while Christy takes the full force of the pot to the skull. Falling to the ground, she sits up and looks around confused.)

CHRISTY: Ich kann hören! Ich kann wieder hören! Aber warum ich in diesem Körper ist, muss ich Polen am Montag überfallen!

JEFF: Next up, Rudy and Amber! We have something special for you guys. We will literally pay you each five thousand dollars not to catch these. Seriously, five grand each if you just let these items crash to the ground.

RUDY: What is it?

JEFF: The master tapes for Survivor: Africa, Thailand, Vanuatu and that movie Tron. We’d rather forget that they happened. So, wanna take it? Come on, it’s five thousand dollars easy!

(Rudy shrugs while Amber looks up blankly.)

JEFF: I’ll take that as a yes!

(He starts chucking the tapes to the ground, watching as they explode against the rocks.)

JEFF: Next up, Eliza and Colby! Now we have something to pass the time with and an effective toilet paper substitute all in one. That’s right, it’s the entire works of Stephen King!

(Jeff begins hurling paperback novels at Colby and Eliza at a steady rate. Colby grabs book after book from midair, while Eliza tries valiantly, yet can’t wrap her paper-thin fingers around one. The barrage of books continues for some twenty minutes at a steady pace since, well, it’s Stephen King. Soon enough, the S*** tribe has a massive pile of books, while Rupert’s Angels has none.)

JEFF: Next round, Clay and Richard!

(Indeed, Richard and the top of Clay’s head stand beneath the tower.)

JEFF: Now, castaways get bored after a time, and since they don’t have any Mexicans to beat, they need laughter to placate them. As such, we have our next item… Big Tom. (Big Tom walks up onto the tower next to Jeff.)

BIG TOM: Wellthattharhootinannydancindollarbillyitellyabuckybolitthatjewonfireitsharwasfunnyitellyouwhat!

(Tom lets out a thirty second fart.)

(Jeff pushes Tom from the tower. He falls like a ton of bricks, everyone running out of the way as this massive shadow comes down from the sky and blocks out the sun. Tom hits the ground, carving a massive crater in the soil and exploding every which way.)

JON: DUDE! HE EXPLODED LIKE A GARBAGE BAG FULL OF VEGETABLE SOUP!

JEFF: Wow, that was a tasteless metaphor. No one wins Tom. Colleen and Jon are the last catchers, and as always, we’ve saved the best item for last! Now, what do you guys want more than anything else?

KATHY (OS): Food!

COLLEEN (OS): Family!

JON (OS): German pornography!

(Beat.)

JEFF: Well, nobody guessed it right. That’s right, the next item up for grabs… two brand new Pontiac Aztecs!

(Two new Aztecs are wheeled up to the edge of the tower as Jeff looks down. Not afraid in the slightest, Colleen and Jon prepare themselves to catch the cars. The vehicles are wheeled to the edge, tipped over ever so slightly, and slam to the ground as Jon and Colleen disappear from sight.)

COLLEEN (OS): Owie!

JEFF: Well, that was a waste of good time and money. All right, looks like Rupert’s Angels has slightly more…

(Cut to the two tribes respective piles, The S*** Tribe with a pile brimming with canned food, knives and Stephen King books, while Rupert’s Angels only has the Hawaiian sling that Rupert caught.)

JEFF: Reward, to Rupert’s Angels!

(Ancient Voices kicks in as the Rupert’s Angels tribe celebrates, dancing around in a big group hug as Rupert lets out a triumphant Rupert Roar ©®™.)

(Fade down.)

(Commercial break.)

- - - The S*** Tribe - - -

(The members of The S*** Tribe walk dejectedly back to camp. Michael goes out to the river with a pissed off look and a fishing spear, while Rory goes off with a pail to fetch some more water. Colby collapses in the shelter sobbing into his pajamas.)

COLBY (Confessional): Ah miss my mama so much ahm beginning to wonder why ah came out here in the first place. Sure ahm big and strong but ahm cold and tired and ah miss her scent. Ah really miss the way she’d tuck me in at night and make me warm milk and beat me, dress me in women's clothing and lock me in the closet.

KATHY (Confessional): Colby’s been missing home a lot recently and I really think it’s going to start costing us. I mean, he just goes on and on about how he misses his mommy and Texas, and it’s really beginning to hold us back. I mean, I love the guy, he’s great for the tribe and is easily our strongest member, but, the guy’s a redneck and an idiot. He’s no good for me.

(Michael fishes by the river with a spear.)

MICHAEL (To camera): We’re now even with challenge wins when compared to Rupert’s Tribe, and it really steams me. I mean, we were supposed to come down here and we were supposed to win. That’s what I thought from the beginning, after all, I picked this team! We were supposed to be the kings among men in this game. I mean, did any of these people fall in a fire? Hell no. I mean, yes, when you’re competing against the godliness that is Rupert it’s easy to understand why you’ve lost, but, still, it’s a bit disconcerting when-

(A black van with "DEPARTMENT OF UFO RESEARCH, GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, IN FACT, WE’RE AN ICE CREAM TRUCK" written on the side screeches to a halt on the beach behind Michael. Two men in governmenty uniforms come out and quickly chloroform Michael, then drag him back off into the van. The camera focuses on his downed spear for a while, as the sun slowly sets in the background.)

(Night-visiony view, the spear still lies on the beach. Banjo music comes from The S*** Tribe’s main camp. Suddenly it stops.)

KATHY (OS): Has anyone seen Michael?

ROB (OS): He said he’d be gone fishin.

KATHY (OS): Oh, all right.

(Banjo music starts again.)

(The members of Rupert’s Angels sit around the camp fire singing, laughing and joking after a merry Reward Challenge victory. Rupert practices with his Hawaiian Sling above the water, firing it from his hand and retrieving it from the boma walls, each time with a fish attached to it.)

RUPERT (Confessional): It was soooooooooooo good to have MY spear back at camp, it really feels like I have a purpose here and that I can finally get the respect I deserve being the god-like mortal that I am. I am just soooo glad I can get down and actually provide for the people who need the providing for done, since honestly, my tribe would just be dead in the water without me.

CHRISTY (Confessional): Es war groß wird hinter von der Herausforderung heute mit allen den Speisen und Werkzeugen, die wir wirklich brauchen, es wirklich wird machen meine Ausrottung von die jüdischen Leute leichter, wenn ich nicht hungrig bin. Sig heil!

(Jerri looks across the fire to Colleen playing with Pussy Willows.)

JERRI: Colleen, I’d like to say something about you and Mr. Pussy Willows if you’d let me. It’s something I’ve needed to say for a long time.

(Colleen eyes her hesitantly.)

JERRI: I know that there’s been a lot of tension between us since you got Pussy Willows, like that time I accused him of smuggling, that time I carved something into his side and that time I took a dump on Clay’s shirt while he slept because I thought he was Pussy Willows, but I just want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for having a pet.

COLLEEN: What?

SANDRA: Ah shut the f*** up Colleen, h**** here is trying to apologize. Stop being such a ho, Colleen, I twisted my f***ing ankle on that coconut-

JERRI: Can of food.

SANDRA: On that can of food so I'm pissy. Geez!

JERRI: Thank you Sandra.

SANDRA: THANK ME?! YOU THANK ME?!

(Sandra gets up with her arms out.)

SANDRA: I CAN FORGIVE TOO!!! WHAT THE F***?!

(Sandra storms out of camp.)

JERRI: …anyway, I’ve come to accept the fact that Mr. Pussy Willows can’t help being a cat, and you can’t help being attached to Pussy Willows at the hip since you get turned on by animal scent. This game has a way of making people become ugly and worse human beings than they already are. It exploits us and our lives, and I totally understand. So, I’m sorry, I forgive you.

(Colleen appears genuinely touched.)

COLLEEN: Gee, thanks Jerri! I didn’t know you had it in you! Want to go catch fireflies with Pussy Willows and me?

(Jerri grabs Colleen’s hand as they begin to skip out of camp.)

JERRI: Let’s go!

(As they skip off, the camera focuses on Rudy.)

RUDY (To camera): They left camp at night. They’re all gonna die. That’s what they get for being queer.

(Light swirls by as night turns to day and the sun rises.)

= = = DAY EIGHT = = =

CHRISTY (Confessional): Heute wird ein guter Tag sein, weil ich alle von meinem tribemates in einem Ofen werfen werde. Auch bin ich taub und habe nur einen Hoden. Heute habe ich zwölf Waisen gegessen.

(The tribe, minus Rupert and Jerri, are all bathing themselves in the river.)

ELIZA: Man, I sure hope we don't get eaten by any crocodiles! SANDRA: You stupid b***, fresh water crocodiles wouldn't eat s***! G****! MY ANKLE HURTS SINCE I TWISTED IT ON THAT COCONUT-

ELIZA: Can of food.

SANDRA: CAN OF FOOD! G****! F***ING ELIZA AND HER CROCODILES! I'MA GONNA VOTE YOU OFF FOR SURE!

(Colleen and Jerri run up to the group, each holding a gun and carrying a bag with a dollar sign on it.)

COLLEEN: Guys! We have to go! The cops are after us!

RUPERT: What'd you do?!

COLLEEN: There's no time to explain! Let's go!

(The entire tribe runs off into the forest. Colleen stops behind a tree to catch her breath.)

RUPERT: What the hell has gotten into you two?!

JERRI: Colleen and I were bonding, and, well-

COLLEEN: We thought it'd be fun to rob a bank and break into a Catholic church and write Satanic propaganda on the walls, and-

FEMALE VOICE (OS): A HAH! I'VE FOUND YOU!

COLLEEN: Oh no, it's mother superior!

(A nun steps into view, holding a pair of nunchucks. Get it?! NUNchucks! BA HA!)

MOTHER SUPERIOR: I can't believe the nerve of you girls, breaking into my church! I'm gonna go Catholic on your asses!

(Mother Superior jumpkicks Colleen in the mouth.)

COLLEEN: Ow! My beautiful face!

JERRI: Hey, I resent that!

(Jerri slaps Mother Superior in the face and the two start having an all-out brawl.)

RUPERT: Ooh, this is fun! Every episode needs a catfight!

CHRISTY: Ich habe eine erektion.

(Suddenly, sirens are heard off in the distance.)

JERRI: S***! It's the feds!

(Jerri ties up Mother Superior and duct tapes her mouth and tosses her on a stump.)

COLLEEN: Oh no! They're gonna find out that it was us that robbed the bank and broke into the church!

JERRI: We have to get rid of the evidence!

(Rupert hands Colleen a fork, knife, and bib.) RUPERT: Eat the nun! Eat the nun!

COLLEEN: I don't wanna eat the nun!

JERRI: EAT THE FRIGGEN NUN!

COLLEEN: God dammit, Jerri, I'm never bonding with you again! You make me do bad things!

JERRI: EAT HER!

(Colleen pokes Mother Superior with her fork. She screams in terror.)

COLLEEN: Can we cook her first?

RUPERT: There's no time for that!

(Pussy Willows starts cleaning himself while sitting atop Colleen's head.)

COLLEEN: God, life is so hard!

COLLEEN (Confessional): When Jerri made me eat that nun I got soooo upset at her. For awhile there I thought maybe she was a nice person, but now I know the truth! Jerri Manthey is the ice queen of the harpies!

JERRI (Confessional): Yes. Yes I am.

- - - The S*** Tribe - - -

(The S*** Tribe sits around the fire, roasting Rory on a stick with an apple in his mouth.)

RICHARD: Man, Michael's been fishing for a long time. I'm jealous.

AMBER (Monotone): Yes. I am concerned for the homo sapien's well being. I hope he has not injured himself or been abducted by this planet's authoritative dictators.

COLBY: Amen to that, sister!

(Cut to a shady looking building in the dead of night. Michael is seen blindfolded and tied to a chair in a little dark room. Two men in suits enter.)

SUIT 1: Hello there, Michael Skupin.

MICHAEL: Uh, hi.

SUIT 1: You might be wondering who I am. My name is Agent Johnson.

SUIT 2 (Removing Mike's blindfold): And I'm that old guy who plays the smoking guy from The X- Files.

MICHAEL: Oh, Mitch Pileggi?

SUIT 2: No, that's someone completely different.

MICHAEL: David Duchovny?

SUIT 2: No, that's not it either. MICHAEL: ...Caroline Dhavernas?

SUIT 2: She's not even on the X-Files!

SUIT 1: Mr. Skupin, we're with the FBI. You're probably wondering why we violently abducted and sodomized you.

MICHAEL: Yeah, I kind of am.

SUIT 1: We have reason to believe you have come in contact with an alien spacecraft.

MICHAEL: That's ridiculous.

SUIT 2: Tell me, Mr. Skupin, why exactly were you in the middle of the Australian scrublands in the first place?

MICHAEL: I was playing Survivor.

SUIT 1: You were playing Survivor?

MICHAEL: Man, I am Survivor.

SUIT 2: Mr. Skupin, would you like to know what it feels like to have electrodes attached to your rectum?

MICHAEL: No, not really.

SUIT 2: Well then you better start talking.

MICHAEL: I don't have anything to say.

SUIT 1: Listen, jackass! I see punks like you every day and if you don't tell me what those aliens are up to I'll lunge across the table and slap you in the face with my dick!

MICHAEL: Well, if you're into that sort of thing, sure, but-

(Suit 2 slaps Michael in the face.)

SUIT 2: WHAT DID THEY TELL YOU?! WHAT DID THE ALIENS TELL YOU?!

MICHAEL: Well they didn't really-

SUIT 1: OUT WITH IT, MAN! THE WORLD IS IN DANGER!

MICHAEL: But-

SUIT 2: DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!

(Suit 2 picks up an elastic band and flicks it at Michael's eye.)

MICHAEL: Ow, that really hurt!

SUIT 2: You're a traitor to your planet and your country, jackass!

MICHAEL: Hey, you don't know what you're talking about! I'M A KING AMONG MEN! I FELL IN A FIRE! I'M SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU!

SUIT 1 (Leaning in to whisper to Suit 2): He fell in a fire, Mitch. This guy's hardcore. We'll have to go with Plan B.

SUIT 2: Dammit, my name isn't Mitch!

(Beat.)

SUIT 2: Plan B, eh?

SUIT 1: Yes, Plan B.

(They laugh maniacally.)

MICHAEL: Oh, s***.

(Rupert bounds up to camp holding a scroll.)

RUPERT: Guys! We've got Tree Mail! Gather around!

(He reads aloud.)

RUPERT: "This challenge will test your brawn and your wits, Choose one person for some crazy s***, If you don't we'll rig the game, kill your family and defame your name." Hmm! Sounds interesting!

JERRI: That is such a stupid poem.

COLLEEN: Jerri, don't be so negative!

JERRI: No, it is. It's really stupid. It's almost as stupid as that time Shii Ann did that TV commercial.

(Cut to Shii Ann sitting at a table with a bowl in front of her, holding up a box of cereal, clearly labeled "ASIAN BRAN.")

SHII ANN: Asian Bran is made with one hundred percent bran, and now packed with two scoops of Asians!

VOICE (OS): OH GOD! STOP IT! YOU'RE CUTTING ME! YOU'RE CUTTING ME WITH A KNIFE!

(Shii Ann pours herself a bowl of the cereal, which is gloppy and red, with bits of bran flakes scattered throughout.)

SHII ANN (As she pours milk): It's delicious and nutritious!

VOICE (OS): GOD! STOP! STOP!

(Blood splatters the wall behind Shii Ann as she scoops up a spoonful of red mush and a big piece of raw meat and jams it in her mouth.)

SHII ANN: MMMMMM!

VOICE (OS): I'M BLEEDING! I'M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!

(Super impose: "ASIAN BRAN! NOW WITH MORE LAOTIANS! MMM MMM GOOD!")

- - - Challenge Beach - - -

(As dramatic music plays, the two tribes climb out of the jeeps that drove them to Challenge Beach and approach their host.)

JEFF: Alright guys, welcome to your next Immunity Challenge! Your Tree Mail asked each tribe to nominate somebody for a very impotent task.

KATHY: Don't you mean important?

JEFF: Yeah, that's what I meant. What'd I say?

KATHY: You said impotent.

JEFF: Oh. Sorry bout that. I guess I just have impotency on my mind. I've been depressed lately because my man can't get it up so my sex life has been quite dull.

KATHY: ...Aren't you dating that chick from Survivor 9?

JEFF: Yes.

(Beat.)

JEFF: Anywhoo, who did you all nominate?

RUPERT: My tribe nominated me.

KATHY: We haven't nominated anyone yet.

JEFF: YOU HAVEN'T NOMINATED ANYONE?! YOU F***ING RETARDS!

(Jeff slaps Kathy across the face.)

RICHARD: Okay, okay, we nominate... Jon.

JON: YEAH! YEAH! I'M HARDCORE! F*** YEAH!

JEFF: Alright, here's how this is going to work. Each of you is going to have a pole draped over your backs, and members of the opposing tribes will load you up with buckets filled with water. The last man standing wins Immunity. That's right, this challenge is individual. Both tribes will be going to Tribal Council tomorrow night, and two people will be voted off.

(Silence.)

COLBY: Oh, balls.

JEFF: This is what you're playing for!

(Jeff removes a blanket that was covering up a stick, to reveal the Immunity Talisman: A shot glass with some rope through it. Dramatic sting.)

KATHY: ...It's a shot glass.

JEFF: Yes, and your point is?

(Kathy shrugs.)

JEFF: Alright, let's get started! SANDRA: Sorry guys, I'm gonna have to sit this one out because earlier I slipped on that coconut, remember?

JEFF: It was a can of food.

SANDRA: Earlier I slipped on that can of food, remember?

RUPERT (Sighs): Sure, but I'm never going to forgive you, Sandra.

SANDRA: ...J****.

(Rupert and Jon stand on platforms with big poles over their backs. People start loading them up with buckets filled with water. One of Jon's legs violently snaps and a piece of bone can be seen sticking out of his leg.)

JON: HOLY S*** MY LEG JUST BROKE!

KATHY: Breathe through it! Breathe through it!

ROB: You can show Rupert!

AMBER (Monotone.): Yes. You can do it.

(His other leg breaks and he falls to his knees, but is technically still standing so all is well.)

JON: F***! MY OTHER ONE JUST BROKE! ARRRGH!

(Pan over to Rupert, who is whistling and knitting a sweater while water buckets are being loaded onto his back.)

RUPERT: I can do this all day.

JON: Yeah, me too. God, I'm badass.

(The rope snaps on one of the buckets and the bucket lands on Jon's crotch. A loud crunching sound is heard.)

JON: CHRIST! MY BALLS! NOW I CAN'T PROCREATE!

(Another rope snaps and the bucket hits Jon in the face somehow, giving him a big black eye.)

JON: Oh, come on! That's not even physically possible!

(A bird flies overhead and craps all over Jon's face. Back to Rupert, who is finishing up his "JON SUCKS!" t-shirt.)

RUPERT: This'll show you for that time you voted me out, jerk!

JON (Flipping the bird): Suck on that, bitch! I'm gonna win for sure!

(Another bucket drops, snapping his middle finger.)

JON: HOLY S***!

(Then a bird lands on his head and violently pecks one of his eyes out, holding it in his mouth.)

JON: ARRRRRGH!

KATHY: You can do it, Jon! RORY: Yeah, show that Rupert who's boss!

(Thunder is heard off in the background.)

JEFF: Rain's a'comin guys!

(A little rain cloud forms directly over Jon and starts raining on him.)

JON: I... am... so... f***ing... pissed... off... right... now...

(As time passes, Rupert and Jon both have a ridiculous amount of buckets loaded onto their backs. Jon is in a lot of pain, bleeding everywhere with his black eye, other eye missing, and bird crap all over his face. Suddenly lightning strikes him.)

JON: OH GOD THAT HURTS!

JEFF: Hey, it's starting to hail!

(Needless to say, hailstones the size of hamsters fall all over Jon.)

JON: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

RUPERT: You can quit anytime, Jon.

JON: Blow me, motherf***er! You're not the greatest at everything and I'm going to prove it to you!

(Cut to a baseball game in America.)

ANNOUNCER: And now, here to throw the first pitch of the World Series... The Pope!

(The pope is wheeled out in a wheelchair by seven guys with guns. He grasps the baseball with his claw like hands.)

POPE: Errrr baseball Jesus loves baseball errrr.

ANNOUNCER: Alright, he's winding up...

(Cut to the pope, just sitting there.)

ANNOUNCER: And he throws it!

(The pope drops the ball.)

POPE: Errrr baseball errrrr God plays baseball with Bob Crane errrrr.

(The Pope vomits all over himself as one of the suits grabs the ball and gives it a toss. The 'roided up batter smacks the ball dead-on and it flies out of the stadium. Back at challenge beach...)

(Jon is suffering intensely, smoking from being struck by lightning and soaking wet from the rain. The baseball smacks him in the face and knocks several of his teeth out.)

JON (Spitting blood): Rupert you're thuch a therk!

(Pan over to Rupert. The sun is shining on him and a rainbow is in the background. Birds and chipmunks and other creatures of nature surround him and dress him up with flowers and jewels. Back to Jon, we can now see that several sharks are now circling his platform.)

JON: ...Christ on a cracker! (One of the sharks takes a big bite out of the platform, and it starts to tip and sink. Jon slowly starts to slide towards the water.)

JEFF: Looks like Jon's about to fall in!

(Jon is suddenly impaled on an antennae as a submarine rises up from the water. The submarine carries Jon and his pole/buckets high into the air as it rises. Blood trails down the antennae and Jon screams in agony, yet somehow the pole remains stationary on his back.)

JEFF: Interesting strategy. Jon's so high the other castaways can't reach him and therefore can't add anymore buckets.

SANDRA: THAT JON IS A SNEAK! WHAT A F***ING CHEATER!

RUPERT: Yeah! He should lose be default!

JEFF: Nope, he hasn't violated any rules.

JON: Make it stop... god make it stop...

(Jon coughs up blood as Pussy Willows climbs up his body and starts clawing at his hair very slowly, getting himself comfortable for a nap. His tail waves back and forth, tickling Jon's nose.)

JON: A-A-AHHHHH... CHOO!

(Jon sneezes violently sending his buckets flying everywhere.)

JEFF: Immunity for Rupert!

JON: OH GOD DAMMIT!

(Rupert's tribe surrounds him and cheers. Stagehands try to pry Jon off the antenna with sticks. Jeff brings the immunity necklace (a shotglass on a piece of rope) and places it around Rupert’s neck.)

JEFF: Rupert, as an added bonus, you'll be visiting The S*** Tribe tomorrow with one purpose: To give individual Immunity to one of their members. That's right, two of you will be safe tomorrow night. The rest of you are vulnerable. I'll see you guys later.

(Jeff straps on a jetpack and flies away.)

ELIZA: ...Well, let's go home.

(The two tribes go their separate ways, leaving Jon lying on the ground.)

JON: GUYS?! GUYS! I'M STILL HERE!

(A bear walks up to him and mauls him to death, tossing him back and forth like a ragdoll.)

(Commercial break.)

- - - DAY NINE - - -

- - - S*** Tribe - - - (As we fade in, we watch as Rupert, Richard and Kathy fish in the river with Colby watching nearby, washing his mama’s pajamas in the river while giving himself a pedicure. Throwing a stick into the water, Rupert pulls six fish from its tip.)

KATHY: Man, that is awesome, what’d we ever do without you Rupert?

RUPERT: Die. Die slowly and painfully because none of you have survival skills such as mine.

RICHARD: You know, I pioneered the strategy of being the master fisherman and thereby being the most powerful person in my tribe. I also pioneered the strategy of being fat and constantly naked.

RUPERT: So? I’m beloved by all!

RICHARD: Yeah, well I won the first Survivor! I won a million dollars!

RUPERT: Yeah, well, I’ve never won anything, but I still won a million! I own you!!!

(The two men stare each other down for a long while Kathy simply watches.)

KATHY (Confessional): I think there was some tension between Richard and Rupert today. I mean, they can’t help being fat and having the same identical strategy. Still, even though Richard’s on my tribe, and without him we’d probably be starving, I just had to side with Rupert on this one. He can’t help being the most naturally adorable of the bunch.

(Rupert stands over Richard, roaring as he prepares to rip Richard’s head bodily from his spine. Soon enough, Rory walks in to break the tension.)

RORY: Children, children, please!

RUPERT: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY AWAY OR I SHALL RIP YOUR NOSE THROUGH YOUR RECTUM!!!

RORY: I’m gone.

(Rory walks away. Looking to break up the fight, Kathy breaks in.)

KATHY: Say guys… I think I had a bit of a notion.

RICHARD: A notion?

RUPERT: …notions make the world go round. What is your notion?

KATHY: Michael’s been fishing for a while now. I mean, unlike Richard here, Michael was actually able to catch things, and I guess since he’s been away for so long we’re starving. I wonder if he’s caught anything…

(Cut to the darkened room Michael was being interrogated in earlier. Now he’s quite nude with a leather glove in his mouth and hands cuffed behind his back while being bent over a barrel. Whipped cream is visible coming out of his various orifices, while his eyes are pried open with metal clips. One of the agents seen earlier dances around him in a Barney suit while rubbing molasses into his bright purple fur. In the background, Ishtar is playing on a giant screen at full volume.)

AGENT 1: PLAN B! PLAN B! PLAN B! I WUV PLAN B!

(Michael thrashes against his restraints. The other agent walks in wearing nothing but a Speedo and a hockey mask with his body covered in caramel and relish.)

AGENT 2: Is all of this really necessary? AGENT 1: Yes, yes it is.

AGENT 2: Even the caramel and relish and molasses and Ishtar?

AGENT 1: Of course.

AGENT 2: Man, what’s with you and these aliens? What makes it such a personal quest for you?

AGENT 1: When I was just a boy, they kidnapped my sister. The bitch still owes me five bucks!

AGENT 2: Well, that’s understandable, but it’s clear this one doesn’t know anything.

AGENT 1: True enough, let’s release him back where we found him and go murder his family and molest any children that reside in his residence!

AGENT 2: YAY CHILD MOLESTATION!

AGENT 1: WORKING FOR THE GOVERNMENT ROCKS!

(They skip off hand in hand down the darkened hallway as Michael continues to struggle against his bindings.)

(Cut back to the river.)

RICHARD: I’m sure he’s fine, like that time he fell in the fire, remember?

KATHY: He fell in a fire?

RICHARD: You mean he didn’t tell you?

RUPERT: Well, I’m going to make like a tree and... get the f*** out of here. Later mortals.

(We watch Rupert walk off into the distance triumphantly as the rest of the S*** Tribe looks on.)

ROB (confessional): Havin Rupaht ovah here earliah was a breath of fresh air, these people are dull and sex with Ambah recently's beginning to remind me of that time I was abducted by aliens, just dull, repetitive and slimy. Who wants dat? I’d be real interested to see who he gives immunity to, hopin it’s me and not, well, Colby. Dumbass has cut his ties with fah too many people and it’s gonna bite him in the ass.

- - - Rupert’s Angels - - -

JERRI (Confessional): It was a real bummer finding out that we had to go to Tribal Council despite the fact that Rupert won Immunity. I mean, when I realized that I was vulnerable to be voted out, I got so angry that I killed a family of Mexicans and then painted myself in their blood and then danced around the fire screaming "I'M JERRI! I'M JERRI! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?! (Getting really impassioned.) I'M JERRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! JESUS!" Anywhoo, after that I broke into this little kids house and I painted all his windows red so when he woke up and looked out the window he thought he had a terrible eye disease and he got so upset he threw up all over his kitchen and then I ran in and severed his head with a scythe and then ate all of his vomit and then the wind came in through the window and picked me up and we went on a magic ride over rainbows and stars and we went all the way to Las Vegas! And while we were in Las Vegas I had sex with the StayPuff Marshmallow man and-

PRODUCER (OS): Are you on drugs?

JERRI (Confessional, cont'd): Yes. PRODUCER: Oh. Who're you gonna vote off tonight?

JERRI (Confessional, cont'd): I dunno. Probly the chick with the smallest boobs.

(Cut to Rudy and Eliza sitting around the fire while everyone else does other survival-y stuff.)

ELIZA: Rudy... I'm really nervous about the vote tonight.

RUDY: Course ya are.

ELIZA: Yeah, I'm really concerned!

RUDY: Yep.

ELIZA: Aren't you gonna comfort me or anything?

RUDY: No. I'm tired.

ELIZA: You're not going to make me feel better and tell me I'm not getting voted off?

RUDY: No.

ELIZA: ...WANNA FORM AN ALLIANCE?!

ELIZA (Confessional): Tribal Council tonight is really worrying me. Sandra and Rudy hate me tons and I think the only reason they never voted me off before was because Rupert would have unhinged his jaw and swallowed them whole like a snake eating a rat if they voted for someone that he liked. But now Rupert's gone so what am I gonna do?! God, I just knew they'd get me back sooner or later for that time my people killed our savior. F***, I am SO screwed! My only hope now is to find a reason to get everyone to vote out Christy. I'm just not sure how to do it.

(Cut to Eliza having a private conversation with Christy.)

ELIZA: Christy, your anti-Semitic remarks lately have really offended me. You know, if I told everyone else on the tribe about your crap, they'd vote you off immediately. So strategically, it'd be smart to lay off the Jew hating, aight?

CHRISTY: WAS?!

ELIZA: ...Don't be mean to me or my people or I'll get people to vote you out.

CHRISTY: WAS?!

ELIZA: ...I'm going to form an alliance with everyone else on the tribe and vote you out.

CHRISTY: WAS?!

ELIZA: ...Oh god dammit I hate you Christy!

(Eliza storms off.)

CHRISTY: Hey, hassen Sie mich nur nicht, weil ich taub bin! Laufen Sie weg von mir nicht! ELIZA! ELIZA, den ich SIE LIEBE! Ich werde Sie über mit einem lustigen Witz gewinnen! Sie werden sehen! Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Juden und einem Pizzaofen? Eine PIZZA SCHREIT NICHT, WENN SIE ES IN DEN OFEN STELLEN! IST DAS LUSTIG NICHT?!

(Rupert triumphantly walks back to camp, with Eliza being the only one around to welcome him.)

ELIZA: Oh thank god, Rupert’s here! (She runs up to hug him with tears streaming from her eyes, while Rupert looks on ambivalently as cartoony birds fly around to place garlands of flowers around his neck.)

RUPERT: What is the matter my minion?

ELIZA: It’s awful, simply simply awful, nobody likes me, and everyone is keeping around the anti- Semitic deaf girl and I can’t touch myself and I’m just not thin enough and cute enough and just nobody likes me! I feel horrible!

(Rupert looks down to her like a kindly Santa Claus in a tie-dyed shirt.)

RUPERT: Hush now child, everything will be all right. I am Rupert, they will all respect my decision because I know all, see all, and am the benevolent leader who will take us all to the promised land.

(Eliza bows down in front of him and kisses his rings.)

ELIZA: Oh thank you, thank you master!

RUPERT: You and me to the Final Two, that’s the plan!

ELIZA: Yay!

RUPERT: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go and get us some dinner before we go to Tribal Council.

ELIZA: Ooh, I’ll go fetch your Hawaiian Sling for you master!

(Rupert’s smile turns into an intense glower as he looks over to Eliza.)

RUPERT (Confessional): Eliza was my bestest friend and closest ally out here, mainly because she would’ve eaten broken glass if I asked her to, but now, it’s clear that she’s trying to take my position in the tribe. She wants my spear, she wants to take my position in the tribe. She wants to touch my spear so she will know what to do if I’m not here! So, with that I will make this solemn decree, that Eliza WILL DIE BY MY MANLINESS!!! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

- - - Rupert’s Angels Tribal Council - - -

(The eight members of the Rupert’s Angels file in solemnly to Tribal Council. Jeff greets them from his usual sitting spot as they put their torches into place.)

JEFF: Welcome Rupert’s Angels to your second Tribal Council. Man, what in the hell happened to you yesterday at the Immunity Challenge? I mean, you’ve been riding high here, you did awesome at the reward challenge, one of the best performances I’ve seen in my entire history on Survivor, and what happened to you that made you come here?

(Awkward beat.)

JERRI: Jeff, we won the immunity challenge yesterday.

JEFF: You’re not allowed to talk.

RUPERT: No, really, I did win immunity yesterday.

JEFF: Then why are you here?

(Awkward beat.) RUPERT: Are you even paying attention anymore?

JEFF: Not really, I lost my passion for the game after All-Stars. Seriously, it sucked donkey balls. At any rate, let’s get on with the questioning. Rupert, what are you going to base your vote on tonight?

(Rupert stands up as light forms behind him, surrounding him with a halo as a heavenly choir goes on behind him.)

RUPERT: I decree that the person who is trying to usurp my position within the game will be the next one to perish by my mighty, manly fists, and that those who do not join alongside me to eradicate their existence on this planet will surely die by the fire. WORSHIP ME, and I will take thee to the promised land.

JEFF: All right, same question, Rudy.

(Long pause.)

RUDY: I dunno. Whatever Rupert said.

JEFF: And you, Clay?

CLAY: Wellidunnowhatsthebeststrategicmoveformesinceididbetterthanallthesepeople inthegameexceptsandrabuti’msurei’llfiguresomethingoutbygoingwiththeflow.

JEFF: Sandra?

SANDRA: F*** you.

JEFF: Eliza, anything to add?

(Eliza, looking particularly skeletal and beginning to lose her hair, tries to say something but nothing more than a hollow rasp comes out.)

JEFF: Christy?

CHRISTY: Sehen als, wie alles durch das Ende von der Episode sowieso ändert, und ich werde hinter sein, ein taubes Mädchen statt eines selbstmörderischen deutschen Diktators mit nur einem Hoden zu sein, sehe ich deutlich nicht den Punkt in dies, aber mittlerweile ich errate, dass ich für das ein wählen werde, das wir für Brennholz benutzen können. Da sie jüdisch ist, würde sie großes Brennholz machen. Können Sie erraten, wo ich die Ananas geschoben habe? Ja haben Sie es, Recht in dort erhalten. Ach ja.

JEFF: Well, this has been a complete waste of my time. Go vote, take your time, anything to prolong my imminent date with a straight razor and a bath tub.

(The tribe just stares on in abject horror, while Eliza pulls off a patented Chad-like gaping mouth.)

JEFF: Go on, vote, see if I care!

(He takes a belt of whiskey as Rupert goes up to vote. Jerri, Colleen and Sandra follow, though we see none of their votes. Eliza comes up next, trying her best to not let the wind knock her down. With quick movements, she writes out “Deaf Girl.”)

ELIZA: It’s obvious, you’re deaf.

(Folding up her vote, she goes back to join the rest. Rudy comes up to vote, though we don’t see the name on the ballot.)

RUDY: She knows why. (Clay’s hands reach over the edge of the voting terminal, and for once actually reach up and grab a piece of paper and the pen. Writing down a name, he tosses it into the urn and hops off back to camp while whimsical bassoon music plays in the background. Last up, Christy prepares to vote and writes out “Elsa.”)

CHRISTY: Sehen als, wie alles zurück zu normal ändern wird, nachdem heute Abend ich habe keinen Anhaltspunkt warum ich durch die willkürliche Handlung der Abstimmung für Sie gehe, da es offensichtlich bis jetzt ist, dass Sie nach Hause einstimmig gehen. Deswegen Sie mit bösen großen Burschen nicht ficken, die aussehen, wie Plagiatoren. Eine Zeit habe ich auf einem Mann erbrochen und habe dann ihn gezwungen, zu Tod außerhalb meines Fensters zu frieren, war es der beste Geburtstag je.

(Folding up her vote, she claps her ankles together before pulling off a quick Nazi salute and walking back to Tribal Council.)

JEFF: All right, even though this is really an exercise in futility, let’s get this mofo on the road. I’ll go tally the votes.

(Jeff goes off into the back as if there’s actually purpose to what he’s doing, since, well, we all know where it’s going to go because Rupert said so. We see several shots of their nervous faces as we go down the line, but, like the long time to wait before Jeff brings the votes out, it’s truly pointless because Rupert said so. Jeff comes back, sits on his stump and holds the voting urn.)

JEFF: All right, as usual, person with the most votes has to wax Mark Burnett’s car and my twelve pounds of dangling meat, and is out of the running for the million dollars. First vote, "Elsa." Learn to spell, retards. Next vote, "Eliza." "Eliza." "Eliza."

(Eliza looks on with a shocked look that could even put Chad’s to shame.)

JEFF: "Eliza." "Eliza." ..."Deaf Girl."

(Jeff looks down to the urn, then back to Rupert’s Angels.)

JEFF: This is six votes for Eliza, one for Christy. Now for the last, and deciding vote… "Eliza." Eliza, bring up your torch.

(Eliza does her best to heft up her torch, but seeing as how her arms are barely wider than the actual staff, it’s a bit difficult. Finally tipping it over, her dried and desiccated body bursts into flames as soon as the fire gets anywhere close to her flesh. She runs around screaming as no one does anything to stop it. Rupert sticks out one foot and trips her, causing the entire tribe to laugh. Jeff walks over with his beer can before kicking Eliza in the ribs.)

JEFF: That was for making me stand up! Bitch. Eliza, (pours beer onto her flaming corpse) the tribe has spoken.

(Now that the fire is out, he throws her down the flight of stairs leading to the pub’s exit.)

JEFF: Well, another useless character gets eliminated while the rest of you remain stars, but for how much longer? (Lightning strikes in background as Jeff gives off an evil smile.) Go home, see you tomorrow.

(The remaining seven members of Rupert’s Angels walk back to camp with their torches disappearing into the darkness as we fade into Eliza’s final words.)

= = = ELIZA’S FINAL WORDS = = = ELIZA: I cannot believe this happened, I came here to win. I mean, I’m skinny and that probably worked against me in the end when my body started to eat itself, but, really, I was really trying this time! I wasn’t coasting like before, I was doing everything right, I was almost as cute as Colleen, but, no, I’m destined to failure once again. I’m Jewish, I should be smarter than this.

(Fade down.)

(Commercial break.)

- - - S*** Tribe Tribal Council - - -

(The S*** Tribe, minus Michael, all file into Tribal Council with their torches, sitting down on their bar stools as Jeff greets them. Jon is a mangled mess and can barely keep himself together, leaning up against Kathy. Disgusted, she pushes what’s left of him onto the floor.)

JEFF: You know, every time I see your faces I die a little. (Beat) On that note, I’d like to welcome Rupert to these Tribal Council proceedings. He spent some time with you today, and he’s going to watch the rest of this Tribal Council before deciding who to award individual immunity to.

RUPERT: Damn right I am. IMPRESS ME!!!

(Awkward pause.)

JEFF: Right… Anyhow, Amber, how do you think this tribe is holding itself together?

AMBER (monotone): This tribe has provided adequate sustenance for this form and mild entertainment in the form of local dance and ritualistic, mechanical reproduction procedures.

(The massive dish in her head receives another signal as it lights up and shoots a laser into the sky, at which point Amber screams wildly, smashes her face into a rock and sits back down.)

JEFF: Right… Rory, how do you think you fit in with this tribe?

RORY: Well I-

COLBY: Actually ah can field that one Jeff.

JEFF: Go on right ahead my pet. I am enamored with your southern manliness.

RORY: But I-

JEFF: F*** off woman, Colby’s speaking.

(Rory is visibly pissed, and some of the others aren’t looking too pleased.)

COLBY: Rory’s not fittin in with our tribe too well, he’s got this hostile look on us all the time and ah will say that there are times when he makes me fear for my life. Ah know he has nothing on me during the day, but at night ah keep thinking he’s gonna just come up and defile my mother’s works. I mean, he can’t help it, he’s black.

RORY: Hey!

JEFF: SILENCE! Jon, how are you coping after that brutal Immunity Challenge yesterday?

JON (OS): Every moment I live is pure agony.

JEFF: Wonderful, now, Rich- JON (OS): If you’ve any mercy left in your body, you’ll murder me right now.

JEFF: ANYHOW, I need to go home and lie down on my waterbed with a hot fudge sundae and a good wholesome snuff film, so why don’t we cut to the chase. Rupert, who have you deemed worthy enough-

KATHY: I thought you said you were gonna kill yourself?

JEFF: I'm INDECISIVE, okay? Get off my ass. Rupert, who have you deemed worthy enough to give Immunity to?

(Rupert sighs, then looking to the ground.)

RUPERT: It’s been a tough decision, one that’s taken a lot of thought, and a lot of time. But, I’m giving this to the person who I think needs it most and is probably the most deserving of Immunity…

(Just as he speaks, the black van from earlier flies to a screeching halt at the edge of Tribal Council and throws Michael with a bag over his head out the door. He rolls on the ground and stops at the feet of the rest of his tribe.)

RUPERT: …ah, my counterpart and only true competition. It would be in my best interest to not give you Immunity now and let you perish, but you’ve proven yourself worthy. I give Immunity to you.

(Rupert places the Immunity Necklace around the bewildered Michael’s neck.)

MICHAEL: ...What the hell is going on?

JEFF: All right, Rupert, you’ve served your purpose and you may go home.

(Rupert walks off to a Roman chariot conveniently parked next to Tribal Council, which immediately flies off into the sunset.)

JEFF: To the rest of you, vote someone out. Michael is immune, the rest of you are fair game. Just do it and make my miserable existence of a life easier by not having to remember all your names. Michael, you’re up first.

(Still confused and walking hunched over from the electric shocks to the ass, Michael goes up and scrawls out a name before walking back to join his tribe. Colby comes up next and writes in big block letters, "JON.")

COLBY: Jon, you’re useless, you’re a pile of broken meat and bones, and, well, you’re beginning to smell like moldy cheese. Go home.

(Amber comes up to vote next, writing “Earth man in big hat.”)

AMBER: Myazzledorf indicates that this is my last hour required on this hell hole of a backwater planet, I am aware that my mission was one to find suitable breeding partners for our inevitable conquest of this planet, but really these people are-

(Shrieking out as she retrieves another transmission, she smashes her head into the table twice before continuing.)

AMBER: …so I must cast this vote for the one that the others are voting for as indicated by my large mass of intelligence.

(Jon comes up next and scrawls out something we can’t quite see.)

JON: It’s been a tough week. I’m a physical liability to the tribe but I’ll be here instead of you. Dear god I love this game. Insert obscure wrestling reference!

(Kathy comes up next and votes, followed by Rob and Rory. Richard is the last to vote, whereupon he writes “Jon” surrounded by frilly hearts and other happy things.)

RICHARD: Better abs, better hair and nicer ass. You do the math.

(Folding up the vote he kisses it and puts it in the urn before joining the rest of his tribe.)

JEFF: All right, are you going to continue making me question my existence, or are you going to actually vote out the right person for once? Let’s find out!

(He goes in back to the voting confessional, while the castaways look on nervously. Michael stares on blankly like a war POW, while Rob tries to make out with the robotic Amber. Kathy pulls off Jon’s scalp and blows her nose and sobs in it, then places it back on his head. Jeff walks back with the urn in hand and looking really pissed off.)

JEFF: You voted out the wrong person. Seriously, I hate you guys, I hope you all f***ing die. If I could shoot each of you in the back of the head right now, I would. With that, let’s read the vote.

(He pulls out the first vote.)

JEFF: "Jon." "Jon."

(He pulls out the next vote.)

JEFF: "Colby." "JON." That’s three votes Jon, one vote Colby.

(Pulls out the next vote.)

JEFF: "Colby." "Colby." "Colby." That’s four votes Colby, three votes Jon. And, the deciding vote…

(Pulling out the final parchment, it reveals “Earth Man in big hat.” We pan down the aisle of men, revealing Rory to be wearing a massive sombrero, Rob a mascot head and Michael one of those tall hats worn by the queen’s guards. But no, it is Colby’s cowboy hat that is truly the largest, thereby making it the deciding vote. A tear rolls down Jeff’s cheek.)

JEFF: You f***tards, you voted out the wrong person. You’ve made a BIG, BIG mistake you asswipes. Colby, please bring up your torch.

(Colby obliges, walking up to Jeff with a saddened look on his face, though no one could be sadder than good ole Probsty.)

JEFF: Colby, the tribe, has made the wrong decision, but they’ve spoken.

(He empties a beer onto Colby’s torch, extinguishing the flame. Colby walks out solemnly as Jeff looks angrily to the tribe.)

JEFF: What you did makes no sense! NO SENSE!!! Why did you have to vote out Colby of all people? There were lots of challenges coming up involving auto-detailing and having nice, supple, rippling abs. Go home, you disgust me, really, I f***ing hate you guys more every day.

(With bewildered looks on their faces, the seven remaining members of the S*** Tribe walk off into the forest as Ancient Voices kicks in.)

A Lapointe-Carter Joint Proud to be almost as juvenile as the show we're making fun of!

= = = COLBY'S FINAL WORDS = = =

COLBY: Well ah can’t say that this was entirely unexpected or somethin ah didn’t want since ah miss mah mama and this’d be the best thing to happen so ah can sleep on her tummy like ah used to when ah was little but ahm glad ah did as well as ah did and, ah f*** it, I can’t fake this cheapass Southern accent anymore. My life is a sham, I am a fake! I admit it, my name is really Mort Barkonowicz, I’m an accountant from the lower east side of Brooklyn. I’ve never been to Texas, I’ve never flown over Texas, hell, I’ve never even seen pictures of Texas. I just thought that by faking my nationality I could make it onto the cast, I did it once the first time, I thought I could do it again in All Stars, but now the truth comes out. I’m a phony, just like all of you, you know it and YOU LOVE IT!!! You love me because I have nice abs and a smile and because I flash those all the time you’ll forget everything I just said. You’ll forget that I’ve lied about every detail of my life. Well, except for mother at least. After all, a boy’s best friend is his mother. GOD I'm Jewish!

= = = NEXT TIME ON SUPER-VIVOR! = = =

(Big sweeping shot of wilderness.)

JEFF (VO): A natural disaster threatens both camps with destruction!

(Cut to an office i n Hollywood where some smarmy, bald producer with a ponytail kicks his feet up on a desk.)

PRODUCER: So it’s settled, we’re filming Friends: The Movie in the Australian Outback. Be sure to flash-burn five hundred acres. We need room for the apartment set.

JEFF (VO): A challenge threatens the sanity of several members of The S*** Tribe... even moreso.

(Cut to some balancing course that several castaways try desperately to cross with due speed, while in the center on a large pedestal Yanni serenades the competitors loudly.)

KATHY: Please, I just want to f***ing die! Why won’t you let me die?!

JEFF (VO): And in one of the most shocking Survivor moments yet… Rob and Amber steal Debbie and Bianca’s taxi!

(Cut to Rob and Amber outside an airport.)

ROB: Hop on in honey.

(Cut to inside the cab.)

ROB: This’ll teach them for accusing somebody of lyin'.

(The Super-Vivor! logo flies onto the screen.)

JEFF (VO): SUPER-VIVOR! Wednesdays at 8!