From an Actual Newspaper Contest Where Entrants Ages 4 to 15 Were Asked

>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? * Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. * Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. * Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. * Age 10 Home is where the house is. * Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. * Age 13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. * Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. * Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. * Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. * Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. * Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

003766b79baba76b39ecca6d5dd98d65.doc Page 1 of 5 11-May-18 * Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. * Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. * Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. * Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. * Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. * Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! * Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" * Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? * Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. * Age 15

Tips on love. From those that should know (all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10).

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)

003766b79baba76b39ecca6d5dd98d65.doc Page 2 of 5 11-May-18 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

003766b79baba76b39ecca6d5dd98d65.doc Page 3 of 5 11-May-18 (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

003766b79baba76b39ecca6d5dd98d65.doc Page 4 of 5 11-May-18 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never takeout the trash." (Randy, 8)

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink… You can if you put salt in its oats.

In Montana they say depends on how far you stick the hose down its throat.

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