June 2012 Becky Long, Editor Annual Butterfly Release & Potluck: June 12, 2012 at 7 P.M. Please note the earlier start time and different location! Holy Family Catholic Church, 6150 Pershing Ave., Fort Worth July meeting for the birthday table. New Members When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain We want to extend and may feel hopeless and isolated. a very warm, loving, The Compassionate Friends and understanding “Welcome” provides highly personal comfort, to our new friends who attended hope, and support to every family the May meeting: experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, Keith Franklin a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, for the loss of his son and helps others better assist the grieving family. Felicia Moran for the loss of her daughter TCF National Office

Nancy Perry The Compassionate Friends for the loss of her son P. O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Fax: 630-990-0246 Love Gifts Toll-free: 877-969-0010 9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri. Pam & Larry Pool Email: [email protected] Janie Rucker Website: In memory of her daughter www.compassionatefriends.org The website contains links to TCF’s brochures, e-newsletter, No Birthday Table in June online support community, We Need Not Walk Alone magazine, May & June birthdays will be “Healing the Grieving Heart” and celebrated at the July meeting. “The Open to Hope Show” radio If your child, sibling or archives, webinar archives, chap- grandchild’s birthday is in May, ter websites, and other resources. June or July, feel free to bring a photo or memento of them to the Facebook: The Compassionate Friends/USA In Spanish: Butterfly Release in June! Los Amigos Compasivos/USA Our annual butterfly release will Twitter: be held on June 12th, at 7 P.M. at Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404 Holy Family Catholic Church. Join us to release a butterfly in memory of your loved one. We ask that you bring a dish to share afterwards. Feel free to bring other family members, children and friends to this special event. Directions to Holy Family Catholic Church: Take I-30 from either direction to the Bryant Irvin exit. If you are coming from the west, turn left on Bryant Irvin Road, then left on Pershing Avenue after you cross the highway. If you are coming from the east, turn right on Guilford Road, then left on Pershing Avenue. The church will be on your right.

Upcoming Meetings

July 10th – Small group discussion Aug. 14th & Sept. 11th - Video “Good Grief: Living with What We Got,” Parts 1 & 2 Oct. 9th – Holiday panel discussion Nov. 13th – Annual Remembrance Memorial, 7 P.M. Dec. 11th - Small group discussion

Fort Worth Chapter Website

www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.com TCF Fort Worth Chapter Steering Committee Regional Coordinators Need to Talk? Listed below are parents, Chapter Leaders Joan and Bill Campbell grandparents and siblings who Jeff & Marty Martin 972-935-0673 have walked where you are today. 817-991-9121 [email protected] If you are having a difficult day [email protected] and just want to talk, please call.

Treasurer Addiction Steve Roberts Helen 817-914-8689 817-431-6964 [email protected] Auto Hospitality Jeff & Marty Marty Akeman 817-991-9121 817-636-5645 Multiple Loss/ Christine Anderson Loss of a Grandchild 817-300-6196 Lydia Lydia Moore 817-829-3801 817-829-3801 Drowning Newsletter Debi Becky Long 817-523-5037 817-275-9297 Long Term Illness [email protected] Marty Librarian 817-636-5645 Patty Gallagher Homicide/Only Child 817-861-1491 Steve Committee Members 817-914-8689 Charles & Genie Dean [email protected] Janet DuPertuis Suicide/Only Child Liz Hutchison Joy 817-453-2227 Suicide Steering Committee Meeting Glinda 817-485-3772 Our next Steering Committee meeting will be Saturday, Siblings September 22nd at 10:00 A.M., at Cheryl Marty & Jeff Martin’s, 9309 817-624-7043 Watercress Dr. in Fort Worth. [email protected] Membership in the Steering Middle of the night calls Committee is open to all chapter Liz members; please join us as we 817-726-3999 plan our future programs. Want to share? National Conference has complete details on extra excursions, an American Airlines We encourage you to submit TCF is pleased to announce the airfare discount, as well as a your own works of poetry or final keynote speaker: Michelle conference brochure with a list of prose for our newsletter. Linn-Gust, Ph.D. who is a workshops, schedule and bereaved sibling, noted author Thanks to Janie Rucker for sharing registration form. and speaker, as well as President an original work this month. of the American Association of Suicidology. Her sister, Denise, died by suicide just two weeks shy of her 18th birthday after battling depression and the eating disorder bulimia. Michelle has written several grief books including, Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling. She also works on the broader issue of helping people to cultivate hope. She will keynote at the Saturday evening banquet in place of previously announced Simon Stephens, worldwide founder of The Compassionate Friends who, due to unforeseen circumstances, is unable to attend the conference. We always have great entertainment at our national conferences and this year will be no different as we welcome California entertainers Love in Motion Signing Choir, Alan Pedersen, and local favorites Cassidy Mueller and Chris Donohue. We will also be welcoming Nashville's Karen Taylor-Good, author of the heartwarming "Precious Child," which she wrote for the 1998 national conference in Nashville in memory of her nephew. She will perform "Precious Child" and a second song at the opening of "An Evening With Darcie Sims." Registration is still available online or by mail for the conference. The national website Washing the Family Car Sometimes…

As the water began to bead “Sometimes, I still don’t believe it,” across the hard black surface, My husband said to me. my mind slipped into a memory. We had gone to bed, said our goodnights Back to a time when a smile And were resting comfortably. could fix the pain My reply was short and to the point. and mortality was not questioned. I simply said, “I know,” You and I played during the dreary Though it’s been eight years since you have died task of washing the family car. Chip, we miss you so. Rinsing turned into a water fight. The memories of our life with you Soapy sponges became weapons, Are treasures that we share. and upside down buckets served For nineteen years we loved you well as our fortress. While you were in our care. So once again we said goodnight. This dull chore became an adventure, But before this we did pray. a game shared only by you and I. This was a very poignant night. Drenched, the giggles slowly subsided This night was Father’s Day. and we turned to complete the more By Nancy McKeaney serious side of our labor. In Memory of my son, Chip We began to dry off the car. As the memory faded, so did my smile. With forlorn my mind came back to the present. I had my own serious task to complete

So I picked up a towel to dry off your headstone.

By Adele Rosales TCF Ventura, CA In Memory of my sister, Anita

I Haven’t Stopped

I haven’t stopped thinking about you every second of every day. I haven’t stopped loving you and wanting you with me. I haven’t stopped holding your picture and saying mama loves you. The Unfinished Path I haven’t stopped lighting candles for you. I haven’t stopped making sure there are flowers in your vase. When we were young, under your wing I was kept. I haven’t stopped waiting for that phone call at 9 AM every As I grew older, on your shoulder I wept. morning. With a problem I could come to you, day or night, I haven’t stopped telling the girls funny stories about when Just knowing your answers would always be right. you were growing up. You joined the Marines and Semper Fidelis you barked. I haven’t stopped thinking about your birthday, you would I could see right then my path was marked. have been 37. I will never stop until I am with you, and I pray that every It was a path to perfection or so I thought. parent that has lost a child doesn’t stop. To be like you is what I sought. Happy Birthday Baby Since your prints have ended, I don’t know where to go. All My Love, Mama I’ve asked Mom and Dad, but they don’t quite know. For my Beautiful daughter Raelynn So I ask your advice just one more time. Because your prints have ended, By Janie Rucker TCF, Ft. Worth, TX The Choicecomment to afforded Heal: meThe one Five of those Insights moments in grief recovery where Several years ago it became insight leads to deeper healing. grieving has a finish line while we apparent to me that I was stuck in The first insight was this: I was are alive. In reality, the only end to “recovering” from my son’s death. stuck because I held to the belief that the pain we feel over the death of our Nicholas contracted leukemia in 1986 children is our own death. The and battled the disease for nearly intensity subsides over time, as do three years before his death in 1989. other characteristics of grieving, but Seven years later, in 1996 it seemed there is no day on which we can say there was no place for me to go with we are done grieving the death of our the continued feelings of grief— children. While we hold to the joyful feelings which included sadness, memories of our children who died, frustration, and guilt. This was not we also hold to the pain of the loss my daily experience, but it came on that comes from the fact that they periodically and occasionally died. Efforts to live outside that pain crippled my ability to engage in life prove futile and frustrating. Even and work. While this was taking when you and I have worked our place I was also studying about way through the pain to the “other family emotional systems process side,” the path we traveled leaves a with Rabbi Ed Friedman and so I clear road mark and an indelible presented him with this problem. imprint on our psychological, His immediate response was to intellectual, emotional and spiritual suggest that I enter more deeply into memory. my family, and somewhere in my There is no going back—but there family I would find the direction to is no finish line either. The move so I would no longer be stuck experience, with all its emotional in my grief. components, remains with us all our Armed with this conviction, my lives. So, instead of looking for a wife and I headed to Florida in finish line, I adopted my dad’s March of 1996 for several days of golf strategy and looked at recovery from and fun with my parents. In the Nick’s death as a 24-hour experience. seven years since Nicholas had died, There was no knowing what I’d be no one in our circle of family and like three days, three months or three friends took his death as hard as my years from then. In fact, the future parents. They continuously called looked overwhelming. Instead, I Zachary, our second son, “Nicholas” started putting Nick in God’s and struggled to move forward, keeping for another day—and only themselves, with this tragic loss. one day. As I gave Nick to God, so I My decision was made; I’d talk to gave my grief to God, thereby my Dad. So on the golf course one inviting healing. Whether God is or day, enjoying the beautiful sunshine is not in the equation for you, the key and warm temperatures, I shared my for me was realizing recovery was a struggle with him and asked how he 24-hour experience and when broken dealt with Nick’s death. His answer into daily bites became manageable. surprised me, but also became the The second insight was this: I was cornerstone on which I continue to stuck because of holding to the belief deal with Nick’s death today. “Son,” that acceptance meant that the he said, “I get up each morning, sit experience of Nicholas would make down at my desk, and open the rational sense. It didn’t then and it drawer where I have a picture of doesn’t now. Nearly 11 years later, Nick. I say, ‘you bugger.’ I think of the death of a child still does not how much I miss him, how grateful I make sense to me. But the reality of am for him, and then I give him into children dying isn’t for me to God’s hands…every day.” His understand: it is for me to accept. Acceptance does not mean there is a his daughter from leukemia. He rational explanation for why a child could not sleep, got up and went to dies nor that I must like the reality. It life. Acceptance means that the read the story in Genesis 22 about simply means that the death of a events of this fine boy’s life actually Abraham and Isaac. As he read the child is a part of life and a part of my did take place and I was a participant (continued on next page) and witness to them. Acceptance means that life has moved on and will continue to move on with or without me. Acceptance means that no, time does not stop when our world comes shattering down from the death of a child. O that it would, but it does not. Acceptance is looking back and embracing what happened in order to look forward and move on. The third insight was this: the fact the picture was in a place that my dad visited every day inspired me to keep pictures of Nicholas in a place where I would remember him every day…and enjoy remembering him. We can keep our departed children close through the wonder of photography and other items that remind us of them. My dad struck a unique balance between those who set aside large spaces for remembrance and those who set aside no space for remembrance at all. If needed, he knew where to go in his house to be close to Nick and, therefore, to a package of complete memories. Nick had and still has a place in his emotional and spiritual home. This is highlighted daily by being able to look at his picture. Not only does Nick have a physical space, but also a space in memory. We become unstuck when we structure the means to keep the memory of our departed children close. This varies from person to person, but keeping physical reminders nearby encourages us to keep emotional, spiritual and mental image memories nearby and accessible as well. The fourth insight was this: gratitude for the life of Nicholas helped muster movement against the forces of being stuck in grief. John Claypool tells a story in his book Mending the Heart about the time in his life six weeks after the death of The Choice to Heal: Thewould Five go nor Insights whom would help. They sought, as best they could, to (continued from previous page) point the ship in a direction that gave commentary he was amazed to learn them the best chance of re-engaging Of all the insights given to me by that this story of Abraham and Isaac life; choosing to get better. my dad that day, this last one was a story of God reminding continues to be the most effective. Abraham of the gift he had received Grief stays with us for a lifetime…as and from whom the gift came. long as we have our minds we Claypool says that from that night cannot escape from the experience of forward he came to see his what took place. However, each day daughter’s life, though shorter than we can point ourselves towards the he wished, as a gift which he did not vision we hold of recovery and have deserve and for which he desired to the faith that one day we will get give gratitude. Gratitude is difficult there. in the midst of feeling cheated and Fr. Alvin Johnson has served as an deprived by death. However, Episcopal Priest for over 20 years. In 1989 gratitude overcomes tremendous he and his wife Vickie became bereaved pain and can move even the most parents when their first child, Nicholas, died after a long battle with leukemia. Nicholas is stuck bereaved parent to new places survived by a sister Hannah and a brother of recovery and joy. Zachary. Fr. Johnson currently serves as The final insight was this: healing Rector of St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in and recovery call for us to make a Barrington, Illinois. He recently received his decision, to answer the question, “Do Doctor of Ministry degree in Congregational I want to get better or not?” One can Studies focusing on the comparisons between argue that grief recovery is more how congregations and families recover from complicated than answering this trauma. Fr. Johnson has spoken often at question. But grief recovery concerns Compassionate Friends meetings and was a keynote speaker at the 23rd national TCF the direction we point ourselves day conference held in Chicago. in and day out. If we wish to get better we need to encourage Alvin C. Johnson, Jr. ourselves and point ourselves that In Memory of my son Nicholas Reprinted with permission from way every day; we need to surround We Need Not Walk Alone, Copyright 2000 ourselves with bereaved parents who have healed and found meaning in life again; we need to realize that no one can point us towards the healing Islands we desire except ourselves. Look for Ironically, the times in our lives The small, when we least feel like making Quiet islands of peace decisions are the times when we need That arise to make them: Seek healing? Stay Unexpectedly stuck? Recover? Die ourselves? From out of Sometimes it does come to such The great sea simple decisions as these. Of your sorrow. When I studied churches that had experienced trauma, those that By Sascha recovered had one principle From For You From Sascha characteristic in common: someone stood up and, from a position of leadership said, “We are going to My old friend Grief has taught me heal and grow from this experience that the loss of a loved one doesn’t and embrace a new future.” Most mean the permanence of death. My often the leader said this before friend will be back again and again to knowing what direction recovery remind me to confront my new reality and to gain through loss and different, it’s still my world and I pain. My Old Friend Grief must live in it. Adolfo Quesda (finished in center column) TCF, Colorado My old friend Grief is back. He comes to visit me once in awhile to remind me that I am still a broken man. Surely there has been much healing since my son died six years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without him. But the truth is, we never completely heal, we never totally adjust. Such is the nature of the loss that no matter how much life has been experienced, the heart of the bereaved will never be the same. It’s as though a part of us dies with the person we lose through death. And so my old friend Grief drops in to say “Hello.” Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. I’ll hear a song or smell a fragrance. I’ll look at a picture and I’ll remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face…sometimes a tear. One may say that remembrance is unhealthy…that we shouldn't dwell on thoughts that make us sad. Yet the opposite is true. Grief revisited is Grief acknowledged and Grief confronted is Grief resolved. But if Grief is resolved, why do we feel a sense of loss when we least expect it? Because healing doesn’t mean forgetting and moving on with life doesn’t mean that we don’t take a part of our lost love with us. Of course the intensity of the pain decreases over time if we allow Grief to visit from time to time. Sometimes my old friend Grief sneaks up on me. It’s as though the ones we have lost are determined not to be forgotten. My old friend Grief doesn’t get in the way of living. He just wants to come along and chat sometimes. Grief has taught me a few things about living I wouldn’t have learned on my own. He has taught me that if I try to deny the reality of loss, I end up having to deny life altogether. Old Grief has taught me that I can survive great loss and although my world is The Child Who Wasn’t Perfect

Directions to Non-Profitthe church Organization can be found insideU.S. the Postage newsletter. Paid Permit. #2321 Fort Worth, Texas 2501 Millikin Drive Arlington, TX 76012

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June 2012

Fort Worth Chapter Annual Butterfly Release

Date: June 12, 2012

Please note the earlier start time and different location!

Start Time: 7:00 P.M.

Location: Holy Family Catholic Church 6150 Pershing Avenue Fort Worth

We will have a potluck after the ceremony. Please bring a dish to share. To those of you who are newly bereaved and receiving our newsletter for the first time, we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends. Dated Material We are a self-help organization of parents, grandparents and adult siblings who have experienced the death of a loved one. We offer understanding and support through our monthly meetings, a lending library, support materials and loving telephone listeners. Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering. Every other person in the room has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They come because they feel the need to be with someone else who understands. We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering, but those who do come find an atmosphere of understanding from others who have experienced the grief that you have now. Nothing is asked of you. There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak. There is a special feeling at meetings of The Compassionate Friends.

We meet the second Tuesday of every month