Parents As Allies Not Strangers Or Aliens

Parents as Allies not strangers or aliens How to be a good ally, rather than the dictator some may perceive you to be.

Father Ron Cochran, Leland D. Nagel, Enedina Saucedo

Tough Talk: If you are thinking you want the parent as YOUR ally; you’ve got it backwards. They need you even more than you may believe you need them. Most often it is not helpful to remind them they took an oath at Baptism to teach their children the faith, to pass on the traditions. They don’t need another guilt trip from the Church. After all, what has the Church done for them since they chose to get married and have a family?

How many meals has the Church cooked for them? How many diapers have you changed? How many nights did you sit up with a sick child knowing you would never see your own bed? What proof do they have that God loves them? That the Church cares about them more than the weekly envelopes they receive in the mail every month? How often have they been reminded they are loved by God and that you and all of the Church are ready and willing to walk with them on this journey? In all these actions, these parents have been the ones acting the way God has been treating them. God has never abandoned them. The Spirit of God has been with them even before they were in their mother’s womb. They have been called by God, not yelled at, nor threatened; but loving called and invited Home. If you want parents to believe you are on their side, that the Church is the place they can turn for assistance, than you need to help them.

Quit looking for volunteers, help parents accept and share what is most precious in their lives, why they act the way they do, why they think belief in God is important.

Legally, they can go to jail if they don’t feed, clothe, and provide shelter for their child. They can lose the rights to parent their child for all kinds of abuse but no legal court will take action if they do not provide their child with a spiritual foundation. One of the most painful scenes in August Wilson’s play Fences is when Cory’s dad, Troy says, You live in my house...sleep you behind on my bedclothes...fill you belly up with my food...cause you my son. You my flesh and blood. Not cause I like you! Cause it's my duty to take care of you. For Troy, love was not part of the equation.

Encourage parents to have an environment in their home where Catholic symbols are evident. Invite them, in their mind, to tour the home in which they were raised. What evidence is there that this family is Catholic? It may be physical objects, or it may be practices like saying grace before a meal, morning, and night prayer.

LEGACY – What is it a parent wants to pass on? What do they really want for their child? Recently, the parent of an eight year old shared that her mother, who was recently deceased, had always told her that “I may not be able to give you much money, but I can give you the gift of your faith.” And she added, “And that is what I tell my son Chris. “’We don’t have a lot of money but I can give you your faith which you will never lose’.”

Parents are not strangers or aliens. They are just from a different generation, not a different planet. They need affirmation for getting their child to faith formation activities/classes, not belittled for dropping off their child and leaving. Recently, a single mother shared how much she treasures the two hours her son is at the REP (religious education program) because it is the only two hours a week she has for herself.

Who are these parents? What did it take for them to come to the Church this evening for a parent meeting? More than likely they spent eight hours at a job before they came and you have little idea if that experience was an energy producing or an energy draining one. Did they have to fix a meal after they got home and before they came? Did they have to hire and pay for a babysitter? What do they face when they get home? A messy kitchen, clothes to wash and dry? What if they have a child with disabilities? What if they are the primary caregiver of an elderly parent? What do you know about everything they had to do to make room in their schedule to come to this meeting? Can you help them leave believing all those sacrifices were worthwhile?

Make their day – What if the first goal of every parent gathering/encounter was to have the parents leave feeling this was the best part of their day? Like anyone else, when a parent comes to a meeting at the church, especially a meeting concerning their child, they need to be called by name. After all, in Hebrew culture, to be nameless was to be worthless. Having greeters, name tags, and a welcoming atmosphere is critical. Being sure that no one sits alone, that people are provided with “ice breakers” that can be used if a table fills with all introverts or the conversation is monopolized by an extreme extrovert. Most parent meetings need an Extreme Makeover: Catholic edition. Like the television show, you don’t have to do it by yourself. Find a team of experts among your parish staff, colleagues, catechists, parishioners, and friends. Who has the best hospitality when you’re invited to a party (makes everyone welcome)? Who loves to decorate (creates an atmosphere)? Who has a passion for the faith (loves to talk about how blessed they are as a family)?

One Parish…One Idea

Give parents an experience of talking with their children about faith

Whole community, intergenerational assemblies are central to our catechetical programs. We gather, share a meal, engage in a fun whole community learning experience, and then break into age- appropriate learning groups. One group is parents with young children (middle school age or lower). Middle school age children get to choose to stay with their parent or join the high school group.

An important lesson learned throughout the assembly is to help parents keep their children focused. Table games created by the parish staff and volunteers are provided to the parents upon entering. These are similar to the children’s coloring and activity booklets which family restaurants provide, to give children something to do while waiting for everyone to finish the meal. Pre-school aged children are also taken to their breakout session early so parents can concentrate on working with their older children.

Usually the parents with young children rotate as a group through learning stations where they help their children complete the task and achieve the learning goal of the particular station. The task might be a craft, an activity, a creative exercise or listening to a story. The experience at this parish is that the children love completing the tasks with the help of their parents. The parents enjoy working with their children and learning along with them. Parents report that their children continue to talk about the experience on the way home or by their desire to “do it again” and repeat some of the exercises at home. Now the volunteer catechists, instead of replacing parents, assist parents in learning how to share the faith with their children. Parents and children learn, through experience in this environment, that they can talk about faith issues and become comfortable talking about spiritual matters before their children become teenagers.

KEY: Begin working with parents before they become parents If we are serious about helping parents, be the first and primary educators of their children in the faith, we need to sow the seeds early. Marriage preparation programs are not only an appropriate time to begin this seed sowing, but it provides the rich soil where the seeds can grow twenty, forty, sixty, a hundredfold.

Evenings for the Engaged In one parish where this concept has become flesh, they emphasize an Evenings for the Engaged type program over Engaged Encounter in an effort to connect the engaged couples with a family in the parish who has young children. In this way, these engaged couples experience spending time in the home of a couple who are serious about raising their children in the faith. This gives them the opportunity to see first hand how people like themselves are striving to be a domestic church. Within the program, they experience the interruptions of children along with the love and gentleness with which these faith-filled couples strive to be disciples of Jesus. These engaged couples realize that what we do as church, we also do as families, and that children are an important part of being the domestic church of love. This parish is committed to maintaining the connection between the newly wedded couple and the couple who facilitated their Evenings for the Engaged experience.

Infant Baptism Preparation Another effort oriented toward achieving the same purpose is the example of one parish’s infant baptism program. This parish assigns one of their active, engaged families with children to prepare couples who have requested baptism for their child. The preparation takes place in the home of the facilitating couple and is focused on two questions from the rite: What do you ask of God’s Church for your child? And, in presenting your child for baptism, do you clearly understand what you are undertaking? It is the hope of the parish, and this program, to get parents to understand that their role as parents is to raise disciples, give them the experience of being with a couple who takes that vocation seriously, and to open them to the belief that they, too, can be the primary educators of their children into a life of faith. The parish’s desire is to assist parents to understand and accept their role as the greatest influences in the lives of their children.

Core Belief The parish belief is that later in the religious education of their children as adolescents, the parish community will be able to concentrate on supporting these primary educators, the parents, rather than replace them with parish catechists. Far too often parents play an active role in the faith formation of their child(ren) through first Eucharist and then their participation lessens.

Choosing Families of Faith Initially the parish identified its facilitating couples for both programs by paying attention to families who were consistent with their Sunday Mass attendance and that, while they were at Mass, they looked and acted like families who wanted to be engaged. In extending the invitation to become facilitating couples, the parish would learn more about their capabilities and availability. Some couples who did not feel these programs were appropriate opportunities for them have become active volunteers in other programs.

The first step for parish leadership, was simply paying attention to who is faithful in Mass attendance. Second, the leadership invited these couples to participate in these programs that didn’t automatically require deep theological understandings or a serious scripture background. From there, the parish leaders learned more about the strengths and needs of these couples in an effort to affirm their capabilities and feed their interests.

PARTNERSHIP From the very moment a parent/family joins the parish faith community, they need to know, feel, and see what the Church promises. Creating the covenant between the parent and the parish is important. Consider holding a public commitment ceremony on a regular basis. At one or all of the Masses on a given Sunday, newly registered members are invited to come forward and stand in front of the altar. Three different groups make promises. Parish staff promises to provide good liturgy programs for on-going faith formation, opportunities for service, and occasions to celebrate the sacraments. Parish community promises to be welcoming, to pray for one another, to be a good example and witness to God’s presence in their lives, to support each other in difficult and trying times.

The newly registered people/families promise to fully participate in Sunday Mass, to share their gifts in service of the community, to avail themselves of the on-going faith formation activities, and to receive the sacraments.

The promises can be tailored to each parish, but should be proclaimed publicly and followed by a reception/gathering/meal at the parish. Giving signed wallet-size commitment cards would be a strong reminder of the covenant promises. Another Parish…Another Approach – English and Latino

LEARNING CENTERS THAT INCLUDE PARENTS

Five points to keep in mind when working with learning centers for your catechetical program:

Set goals and objectives for your learning session. Plan according to the number of parents and children who will be working together on the same session. Based on your topic, select various related activities for the learning centers. Brain storm how each activity will make the child and parent’s day special, also how these activities might help the family make a connection to their faith after they leave the learning session? Help parents and children realize how some of the things they just did can be done at home and/or are already doing, helping them realize God has always been with them.

Setting up the environment

Prayer environment: Set up a prayer table with a color cloth according to the liturgical cycle, Bible, candle, and crucifix, flowers optional.

Working tables Table cloths or newspaper to protect the table surface. One craft activity per table. Supplies for each craft on each table. Copies with working instructions on each table. Copies with the prayer service or reading and reflection for each table.

Refreshments Have refreshments ready at the end of the session.

Learning session model based on Mark 4: 1-9 (Grades 3-6) This learning session will be based on the Parable of the Sower. After reading the parable with the whole group, explain with your own words or use the paragraph that follows. The Sower scattered the seed in the field: some of it, the birds ate it; some fell on rocky ground with little soil; some fell among thorn bushes; and some fell in good soil. Some had thirty grains, others sixty, and others one hundred. Each picture portrays children in a learning setting at a public school. Look at the picture among yourselves and describe the scene in the picture. Which setting can possibly help the children achieve one hundred percent of their potential and why? What can we do in each setting to help the children achieve the desired one hundred percent?

BIRDS EATING SEEDS ROCKY GROUND WITH LITTLE SOIL

THORN BUSHES GOOD SOIL What happens during the liturgy when you go to church? Who are those who achieve hundred percent?

Go to church but do not pay attention Go to church but don’t listen or sleep

Go to church but seat way in the back Go to church, pay attention and participate

Which one are you?

Help children and parents understand that participation in church is very important, since it’s the community inside the building that makes it a church, our participation is what brings the Word of God to life and worth living it. This way we can achieve 100% of our communal prayer.

Make origami churches and write the Bible citation on them to take home as a reminder.

Rev. Ron Cochran currently is serving as Pastor at St. Luke Church, El Cajon, California in the Diocese of San Diego. He represents the parish catechetical leaders of that province.

Mr. Leland Nagel currently is serving as the Executive Director of NCCL.

Mrs. Enedina Saucedo currently is serving as the Associate Director of the Office of Evangelization and Catechetical Ministry for the Diocese of San Diego