Don Morgan 1007 Fairmont St., Greensboro, NC 27401

We consider this play to be a gift to Alcoholics Anonymous. Please feel free to use it and produce it as long as it is not for profit or commercial purposes. We would love to have an audio or video recording of your production if it is possible, just for the fun of seeing another cast. You could mail it to: Don Morgan 1007 Fairmont St., Greensboro, NC 27401 Or email [email protected]

Ad lib and change dialogue using local references and AA customs. We make changes every year depending on the actors. The street scene where Ebenezer meets all the pedestrians is great place to add current events and local color, for example. Have fun! 2

My Name Is Ebenezer S.

Written by Don M. with lots of help from Garry C., Philip L. and David D., Connor M. and every person who shared their stories and passed the program of Alcoholics Anonymous on to us. Oh yes…and Charles Dickens.

Alcoholism is a serious and sometimes tragic disease. But to quote the Big Book, “…we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life… We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.” It is in this spirit that this is given and hopefully will be received. 3

Cast Of Characters: (in order of appearance)

Narrator Scrooge Cratchit Nephew Charity Woman Man Boy Protester Rando Preacher Marley Bud Magoo Voice1 Voice2 Lois Santa Tiny Tim Mrs. Cratchit (Mrs) Party1 Party2 Party3 Police1 Police2

Suggested Distribution of Readers and Characters: ______: Narrator, Party1 ______: Scrooge ______: Cratchit, Boy (optional: Marley, Voice1, Party2), Police1 ______: (if another actor is available) Marley, Voice1, Party2 ______: Nephew, Magoo ______: Tiny Tim, Protester ______: Charity, Lois, Party3 ______: Woman, Mrs. Cratchit (Mrs.) ______: Man, Voice2, Santa, Police2 ______: Preacher, Bud, Rando 4

Sound Effects & Props Needed (in order): Recorded instrumental Christmas music to be played as the cover page quote is read by the narrator. Then cut music to begin the play. A rubber chicken wrapped in brown paper. Church Bells. If you can’t get a recording, then someone with a deep voice will have to do it. (Dong. Dong.) Chains that rattle with some noisy cans. Scrooge changes into a bathrobe. A small tray of cat litter (clean) and a metal pan for scratching. A Santa Hat for the Spirit of Christmas Present to wear. A local AA meeting schedule card. A Big Book. 5

My Name Is Ebenezer S.

Reader : Alcoholism is a serious and sometimes tragic disease. But to quote the Big Book, “…we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life… We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.” It is in this spirit that this is given and hopefully will be received.

(Curtains Open)

Narrator: First things first, Marley was dead. Dead as a doorknob. Scrooge knew that, no doubt about it. In fact he resented it! Now that his old friend Marley was gone he had no one to drink with, to commiserate with, to rail against, to battle and to blame. Or, now get this… to compare himself with.

Scrooge: He was much worse than me!

Narrator: Oh, Marley could toss ‘em back, and that’s the truth. Folks would say, ”Marley, one day you’ll drown in a vat of liquor!” and Marley would say (W.C. Fields voice), “Death where is thy sting!” (pause) But we’ll get that later…

All Scrooge had, now that Marley was gone, was the bottle and that miserable little corner bar that they both once owned… It’s name? The Boiled Owl. Now it was his alone. And he kept a tight reign on The Boiled Owl. He was a tight fisted squeezing, wheezing, wrenching, retching, covetous, scourging old sinner!

Scrooge: Take a look at yourself, Charley! I suppose you’re the Perfect Human Specimen!

Narrator: (patiently) It is considered bad form to talk to the narrator. 6

Scrooge: You’re right. This is my life, and you don’t technically exist. A lunacy committee should be appointed!

(Pause.)

Narrator: (big sigh, back to it) The Boiled Owl has fallen on hard times since Marley’s demise. The roof leaks, the bathroom reeks, and there is little heat. But it was not as cold as Scrooge himself. He carried his own low temperature always about with him; and he did not thaw even one degree at Christmas. He was secret and self-contained. Solitary as a lone off-color pickled egg suspended in vinegar brine. Which, if you're unsure what that means, is a very lonely place...and it's no fun at all...in the vinegar brine...And it was no different this Christmas eve.

Cratchit: (shout) Watch your head sir!

Scrooge: Ouffff!! Argh! (clutches head) Dagnabbit Cratchit! Who hung that effigy of Santa Clause from the light fixture?

Cratchit: Why sir… don’t you remember? You did, last night. You wanted it up as "a warning to any small, innocent, sweet, kind hearted children" who might pass by to stay out of here. Your words.

Scrooge: Of course I remember! I just forgot. Get me a beer, Cricket.

Cratchit: Cratchit.

Scrooge: (vehemently) Not Busch! I won’t drink that horse piss! Give me a Heiny.

Cratchit: We’re out, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Well… Michilobe then.

Cratchit: Out.

Scrooge: Rolling Rock. 7

Cratchit: Out.

Scrooge: OK, Gimme a Bud!

Cratchit: None what so ever.

Scrooge: Ah… For cryin’ out loud, Give me the Busch. And be quick about it.

(Cratchit hands Scrooge the last two beers. Scrooge gives him one back.)

Scrooge: Here drink up.

Cratchit: It’s a bit early sir.

Scrooge: Go ahead. I insist. It’s on me.

Cratchit: Well, alright, suppose one beer in the morning never killed anyone.

Scrooge: Ahhhhh. (gulp) How are we set for tonight?

Crachit: Set for what sir?

Scrooge: On beer Crickle.

Cratchit: These are the last two beers in stock. The distributors won’t deliver unless you pay in cash.

Scrooge: What!? What’s their problem? They’re trying to ruin me. Well, there goes your bonus. I guess I’ll have to use it to buy beer. Here’s sixty bones. Go to the grocery store and stock up for tonight. Christmas Eve. Big night tonight. We have to be open as a public service. People have to have somewhere to go to escape from the absolute drudge and misery of tomorrow. What with all the cheer, and presents...and family. (Scrooge shivers in discomfort.)

Cratchit: Speaking of tomorrow sir.

Scrooge: Oh no Cratchety. You can’t abandon me on X-Mas day! I’m planning to 8 be sick!

Cratchit: But...my family, and my wife...and...my somewhat recently born, not at all well-off, all kinds of issues, youthful, heart breakingly adorable, spirited, little tiny angelic son?

Scrooge: You’re breaking my heart. Fine! Have yourself a merry little Christmas... Morning! But be in here at two PM to open up or you’ll find yourself tending the salad bar at some sketchy middle of nowhere Denny's. Where they never clean the grill top and your eggs taste like sadness - and arm pit hair.

(enter Nephew)

Nephew: Merry Christmas, Uncle! God save you!

Scrooge: Look what the wind blew in. Oh Tannenbum himself! Every idiot who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips should be boiled like an owl and buried with a stake of holly through his heart! (gulp) (pretending to be drinking beer… Note: it is not necessary to use real beer!)

Nephew: Oh now Uncle. Try and be civil. I’ve come to invite you to a party.

Scrooge: What sort of party?

Nephew: Our regular annual holiday whoopee party. Everyone is hoping you’ll come this year. We’ll have turkey and ham! Hotdogs and hamburgers--

Scrooge: (trying to think of something clever, not convinced this is but go with it anyway)--Bah Hamburgers!

Nephew: What's that now? *

Scrooge: Bah humbug.

Nephew: You said bah hamburgers didn't you?

Scrooge: It's possible. 9

Nephew: Well I knew you’d find something to complain about. But I’ll never give up. There will be family, friends, and singing. Everyone will be happy, joyous, and free. The house will be all decorated with a tree and ornaments. There will even be mistletoe!

Scrooge: I’d rather kiss a whoopee!

Nephew: Uncle, I believe you’re drunk.

Scrooge: Yea? And you’re crazy. I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy the rest of your life!

Nephew: I don't know how much sense that makes.

Scrooge: You’re crazy all right. Straight up.

Nephew: It’s not me I am worried about. Very well then, if you have a change of heart, you are welcome. Twelve noon tomorrow.

Scrooge: Good day!

Nephew: Merry Christmas!

Scrooge: (shouting) Humbug!

Nephew: (merrily) And a Happy New Year!

(exit Nephew.)

Scrooge: (DOOR SLAM) And stay out! What's he got to be merry about? Does he live in a different world than I do or something? Like everything's "baby animals" and "hugs from children" all the time...Which are equally horrid things.

Cratchit: Perhaps it’s a matter of how you look at it.

Scrooge: Oh so now you’re Carl Jung, I suppose. (mockingly) "Oh look at me I'm Cratchit I'm happy all the time oh look there's a bit of hope in the distance I'm going to go 10 capture it and share it with the world."

Cratchit: That's actually quite beautiful.

Scrooge: Speaking of beauty, I’ve got some beer stashed- uh… stored outside behind the dumpster. Let’s have another yes?

Cratchit: No, thank you I can already feel the first one.

Scrooge: (long disbelieving look) That's pathetic Cratchit. (gulp)

(enter Charity.)

Charity: Merry Christmas!

Scrooge: Not another one! We’re closed!

Charity: Oh well, excuse me, is the owner, a Mr. J. Marley, in?

Scrooge: No there is not a Mr. J. Marley in. Marley’s dead! Marley died seven years ago this very night!

Charity: Well then I must have the pleasure of speaking to Mr. E. Scrooge.

Scrooge: (lecherous) The pleasure is all mine. Cut to the chase Random Plot Development Lady (or Guy). What are you selling?

Charity: Why… I’m not selling anything. I represent KADPWLLBNALH (pronounced: kad PWILL buh nall).

Scrooge: Gezundheit!

Charity: That’s (spell it out) K.A.D.P.W.L.L.B.N.A.L.H., “kad PWILL buh nall”. Haven't you heard of us?

Scrooge: No, but if you’ve got some Tylenol, I’ll take some. How about some Demerol, commonly known as Damn-it-all. That will do nicely! 11

Charity: You don’t understand. At this festive time of year we ask if you would set aside some… provision… for those not as fortunate as ourselves. And so I am here for “kad PWILL buh nall": Kind and Decent People Who Love Life But Need A Little Help.

Scrooge: What a crock of shit! There is no such thing. Go pick someone else’s pocket Mother Teresa! Kind and Decent People Who Blah Blah Self Pity Floofy Floof. Let them beg on the street corners.

Charity: They're people too, like me and you! They'd rather die than live that way forever.

Scrooge: If they would rather die let them do it, and decrease the surplus population. It’s my belief there are too many humans anyway. I think every other one of us should do the rest a favor and commit suicide. Starting with YOU. Then we’ll skip me, that will move us over to Cratchit here. He’ll have to go…

Cratchit: Don’t pay any attention to him, he’s just a little… tipsy.

Scrooge: (gulp) Yeah, I’m a little tipsy. You know what, here’s a quarter. Put it down from “fah-KAG-lilly-lolly!” Never heard of it? From A Kind And Generous Lover Who Needs A New Liver And Likes It! Aaahahahahahah! Oh that's good stuff I don't know where I come with it... *

Charity: (miffed) Well, I never! What a crass man!

(exit Charity.)

Scrooge: Did she call me an ass man? Because that's really not the case.

Cratchit: You were a little hard on her sir.

(Scrooge grabs chicken wrapped in butcher paper package)

Scrooge: Maybe so, but you know I have a soft spot for you and your family. Cat Shit, my boy. 12

Cratchit: (firmly) Cratchit!

Scrooge: No, you misunderstood me- I said catch it! (Throws package)

Cratchit: Oufff. Goodness! What’s this all wrapped in butcher paper? Must weigh nearly five pounds.

Scrooge: Heh Heh. A little gift, a bird for you and yours to cook tomorrow. Don’t say I never gave to the poor!

Cratchit: (amazed and grateful) Why thank you, Mr. Scrooge!

Scrooge: I hope it’s large enough for you and that cute little wife of yours… and little Tiny Thumb Nail - or what ever his name is.

Cratchit: That’s Very Tiny Tim.

Scrooge: Yeah, Tiny Tim.

Cratchit: Very Tiny Tim! After a few years we added the "Very."

Scrooge: Well whatever... he won’t eat much!

Cratchit: No. Not much at all.

Scrooge: Well, all this talk of food has given me an appetite. I think I’ll head out for my usual— Ham and Eggs.

Cratchit: Ham and Eggs?

Scrooge: Yes. A Penrose sausage and a pickled egg. Heh Heh Heh. Ahhhh. (gulp) Yeah, I think I’ll head on over to my favorite bar, other than this place of course. Now I’m depending on you Crack Head! If you need me you know where to reach me!! (puts on top hat)

Cratchit: But you have so many favorite bars. I don’t know where you will be. 13

Where should I call?

Scrooge: The Shivering Denizen, of course! But don’t call!...Mess up my buzz.

(exit Cratchit.)

Narrator: Scrooge made his melancholy way through the icy snow-covered street, weaving among the joyous, busy crowds.

(These next encounters need to happen quickly as Scrooge walks down the street.)

Woman: (walking by) Oh what a wonderful night for smiling. Merry Christmas sir!

Scrooge: Bah Humbug.

Man: Excuse me, do you know where I can find another perfect moment? Because right now is just the best thing ever just the best!

Scrooge: We’re all so happy for you. You belong in a psych ward!

Boy: Excuse me sir. I'll shine your shoes for a toppin. Please sir I'm hungry.

Scrooge: Eat the shoe shine kit. It's got protein.

Boy: That's messed up.

Protester: We are the 99%!

Scrooge: Last years issue! Sort of.

Rando: Do you know where a bathroom is nearby?

Scrooge: Yeah, buddy, just cup your hands and aim. (demonstrate how to pee on the street.)

All: (happily singing) “God rest you merry gentlemen, Let nothing you dismay…” 14

Scrooge: Yeah, May you Rest In Peace! I’ve got a Christmas Song for you. More realistic for the times…. (sings funeral dirge) “A Merry Christmas, A Merry Christmas, Sorrow & Despair, People dying everywhere!”

(Church Bells ring)

Scrooge: There ought to be a law against those bells, some sort of a noise ordinance! If God wanted us to listen to bells he would have made a permanent ringing in our ears. All these religious fanatics everywhere. Weak minded cow brains. Holier than Thou… why I … (bumps into man) OUFFFFF! Why don’t you watch where you’re standing!

Man: (imitate Jimmy Stewart if you can) I’m sorry, are you all right? It’s so clear after the snow—I was just looking up at the stars. Even with the city lights you can see so many tonight. It kind of makes you feel small and insignificant, doesn’t it?

Scrooge: It doesn’t make me feel small and insignificant fellah! Lunatics everywhere. Ah, At last. The Shivering Denizen. (all sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas very quietly- but happily) Oh no, look! They’re singing in there too! Forget it. I’m going home. I’m not hungry anyway. I’ve got a bottle or two. In fact I got one here! (gulp) People and their problems -Somebody would probably want to talk to me anyway.

Narrator: It was an ordinary “Eagle holding a ring in its claw” sort of knocker on Scrooges door. He had seen it a thousand times before. But tonight it was clutching a bottle of Wild Turkey and where the eagle’s head was supposed to be he saw…

Scrooge: Marley! I always said you could squeeze that bottle ‘till the turkey screamed!… Man, I’m losing it. It must be those sardines I had for lunch. I’ve got to watch my diet. All that oil—it’s unhealthy. I need a drink! A Bloody Mary—it’s got tomato juice in it, it’s good for you. 15

Narrator: Scrooge opens the door and enters his cold and darkened rooms. He gropes along the wall searching for the light switch.

Scrooge: Hey Narrator, don't you have anything better to do than watch every move I make and comment on it?! If you’re writing a book… leave my chapter out! I mean… get a life!… Sheesh! I’m going nuts. Now I’m hearing voices and I’m TALKING TO THEM! (long pause, then thinking out loud as he puts on bathrobe…) Marley, that old drunk. He was much worse than me! No willpower, no control! I can handle my drinking and I think I’ll handle some right now. Just me and my lonesome. Splendid isolation. (finish changing into bathrobe and look the audience in the eye.) Out come the carpet slippers and a bottle.

Now if I can just get these heavy duty locks & chains off the liquor cabinet. (rattle chains) I wonder if all these heavy duty locks & chains are a little bit excessive? Naw, someone could break in. I mean, it’s strange, for example, the way the postman always lurks around the neighborhood. Can’t be too careful. And those stray dogs always licking their lips looking through the window. Bunch of alchy dogs in this neighborhood.

(Opens the cabinet.) Bingo! Look at that beautiful bottle. “Hello darkness my old friend. ” (gulp) Watch a little TV. Uh oh, only half a bottle. Better get another--I don’t want to have to get up later. Except...ah snap the liquor cabinets empty. Now, I hid a bottle of port somewhere… Not in the toilet tank—too obvious. Oh yeah, inside the TV Cabinet. Now where is that Philips head? Here it is—Damn! Everything’s against me! If I need a Philips Head, I find a flat head. If I need a flat… I’ll just pry the back off. There it is… come to papa! Heh heh heh—what’s that? A noise outside. I’ll bet it’s that damn mailman.

Narrator: (dramatically) Scrooge stumbles over to the window and furtively pulls the heavy drapes aside, his heart filled with self-loathing and dread. (stretch out “dread”)

Scrooge: (gives the narrator a blistering look) Really? Self-loathing? 16

Narrator: But no one is there.

Scrooge: Two can play at this you Overly Descriptive Narrator!…(loudly imitating the narrator) "Scrooge walks back over to the La-Z-Boy recliner and"… WHOA…

(Scrooge trips.)

Narrator: (evenly) Crash.

Scrooge: I'm fine! Tripped over the remote a little bit there. (gulp). Now, let's just see what's on…

ALL: (singing) “Have a holly, jolly Christmas”

Scrooge: Nope! (snaps remote to change channel) Switch!

Preacher: Reach your hands out and touch the television screen and you will be HEALED!

Scrooge: Electrocuted more likely. Get a job! (snaps remote to change channel) Switch!

Narrator: If you don’t get help at Charter, please get help.

Scrooge: Bah Humbug! (snaps remote to change channel) Switch!

Narrator: (makes sound of static to be picked up by other readers so that it never stops until Marley comes)

Scrooge: That’s better. (Yawns, gulp ) Static's the best thing on… Now I can maybe get a little shut….(falls to sleep) (keep up the static until it is ridiculous)

Marley: (chains & cans rattle, terrible moan )

Scrooge: (Suddenly awake and afraid) Wha--Who!? What's that sound? Narrator? 17

Narrator is that you? Are you recycling a life time worth of canned condensed milk, or some other weird beverage you drink?

Marley: (rattle & moan)

Scrooge: And if so, can you not do that right now?

(enter Marley.)

Marley: ( slow and ghostly voice) Ebenezer!

Scrooge: What? (can’t believe his eyes) No! Who are you?

Marley: Don’t you remember your old pal, Jacob Marley?

Scrooge: Sure, sure, I remember… good times, good stuff. You look a little pale Jacob. Take off your… chains and sit a spell. Here, why don’t you have a drink.

Marley: (chains & cans rattle, terrible moan ) And add to this collection of empty bottles, cans, snifters, shot glasses, kegs and beer delivery vehicles I drag behind me? Why don’t I have a drink? Have you ever known me to have a drink? Have you ever had a drink!

Scrooge: Now calm down, calm down man you're freaking out. *

Marley: No! One is too many and there is never, never enough! (chains & cans rattle, terrible moan)

Scrooge: O.K. So what's the deal right now? I’ve missed you, man. What you been up to lately?

Marley: Existing in a nightmarish limbo with an endless procession of sots who can’t get drunk and can’t get sober. I now must live forever in the jumping off place.

Scrooge: But why Jacob? You were a decent fellow. You always minded your own business. 18

Marley: Business? Minded my own business? To fit myself to be of maximum service was my business! It was always my business, as it is yours Ebenezer, but I didn’t see. My spirit never rose beyond our dismal bar. And now I must wear this chain (rattle), the chain I forged in life.

Scrooge: Yeah, that chain is bad. Looks like you took the party a little bit too far...

Marley: Did I now? Yours is much worse than mine Ebeneezer. Yours is as mine was 7 years ago. Yours has continued to grow (poke Scrooge with finger to accent) link by link, drink by drink.

Scrooge: That can't be right.

Marley: You will be visited by three spirits…

Scrooge: Oh good, I like spirits.

Marley: (Lurch type moan) Ohhhhhhh That's not funny! Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits: The Past, The Present…

Scrooge: Oh good, I like presents--

Marley: --(interrupting) Don’t! The Past The Present and The Future.

Scrooge: How will I know when to expect them?

Marley: Don’t. An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.

Scrooge: You’re not talking sense. Listen, can’t I see them one each night, like in that Christmas Carol story? Kind of… spread it out a bit. This is a bit much to take all back to back.

Marley: Nooooooooo (fading) That would be the easier, softer way...

(Marley exits. Enter the Ghost of Christmas Past.)

Bud:` Boo! 19

Scrooge: Already?

Bud: (Bud is loud and obnoxious like a TV Beer Commercial) No time like the present. Ha Ha Ha! Except for the past.

Scrooge: Are you the Ghost of Christmas Past?

Bud: You can call me Bud! (belch)

Scrooge: Are you here to see me?

Bud: Yep, This Bud’s for you!

Scrooge: If you don’t mind a personal comment spirit—that’s quite a beer gut.

Bud: Yea! I love my Betty! I love my belly so much I named it my Betty. I love to pat it. It’s s’posed to be good luck to rub it. Would you like to rub my belly? Betty doesn't mind.

Scrooge: Um… not much for rubbing folks' bellies...What I’d like is a drink.

Bud: Go for the gusto! Ha Ha Ha (belch) You do look a little shaky. Voy La!

(Bud conjures a drink.)

Scrooge: You mean Voilla!

Bud: Whatever- You want this? (offers beer)

Scrooge: An ice cold tall malt liquor. Give it to me! (reaches for it)

Bud: (jerks it back) Is this what you really want? Or do you want what it used to do for you?

Scrooge: (quietly) Why are you doing this to me?

Bud: Why ask why? (belch) 20

Scrooge: I never hurt anyone. I am a happy drunk. Or at least I was, before everybody turned on me. Just, just give me the beer and leave me alone Spirit. I beg you.

Bud: Okey Doakey. I’ll give you the beer. (completely serious) But you got to rub the belly.

Scrooge: Rub the belly, get a beer. Alright! *

(Scrooge rubs Bud's belly and they go "Woooooo" and spins in circles, or some rendition therein.)

Bud: Ha Ha Ha! Look around you Scrooge. Happy days are here again! Ha Ha Ha!

Scrooge: The Boiled Owl, just as it was when it first opened, 20 years ago. That’s the last time it was clean. Look there’s Magoo, and Gabby, and the Bitternut Twins, and… Oh… the love of my life, Lois. I have to talk to her… (walks toward her)

Bud: (jerks him back by the collar) They can’t hear or see you.

Scrooge: Who is that other girl at the end of the bar? I don’t remember her.

Bud: Oh—That’s Michelle Punity. I call her M. Punity. You’d like to drink with her wouldn’t you?

Scrooge: Everyone else is!

Bud: (belch) Not everyone. Oh, look. You’re about to set up the bar and give everyone a free round!

Scrooge: Yeah. I was the life of the party! Everyone liked me back then.

All: (happily enthusiastic singing) For he’s a jolly good fellow, For he’s a jolly good fellow, For he’s a jolly good fellooooow…

Scrooge: That nobody can despise! (laughter all around) 21

Magoo: (drunk and slurring) Ah That’s swell Ebby, This place is swell! You sure are a swell guy. Swell, swell, swell! I think I love you.

Scrooge: Have another all around! It’s on me!

Voice1: Well maybe one more, but then I swear I quit! I can’t keep up with you Ebenezer. I won’t even try!

Voice2: You can drink me under the table too. I think Scrooge must have a cast iron stomach! Isn’t that right Lois?

Lois: (icy) Well I’m glad there’s some part of his body that’s hard!

All: (like a TV sit com) Wohhhhhh! (ad-lib: No she didn't! Oh snap! She went there!)

Scrooge: (kind of pleading) Oh, Lois!

Lois: Ebenezer. Lean over here a little closer. I have something for you. An early Christmas Present.

Scrooge: For me?…(lean in for a kiss)

Lois: (smack) Goodbye!

(DOOR SLAM) (long silence… then)

Magoo: She was rude to you Ebby. She smacked you so hard you’ll be walkin’ North and facin’ South! What’d she go and do a thing like that for?

Scrooge: I… I… I really don’t know.

Voice1: Ah… don’t worry about her.

Voice2: Yeah. Put it behind you.

Voice1: Sure. 22

Voice2: Yeah. Anyway… she’ll be back. (sigh, tsk tsk tsk) Well… gotta go.

Voice1: It’s late. Me too. See you ‘round.

Scrooge: Hey - don’t everybody go. Man. Nobody understands me.

Magoo: ( crying in his beer) I understand you Ebby. You’re swell. Did I ever tell you that you’re swell? I think I love you.

Scrooge: Yeah Magoo. Quit crying.

Magoo: Say… Hows about another little teensy-weensy?

Bud: (enthusiastically) Hell! It doesn’t get much better than this!!

Scrooge: I always had good intentions.

Bud: I’m certain of it. For what it’s worth…

Scrooge: I was never sure if those people really cared for me or just came around for the drink.

Bud: I’m no analilalysist (belch). You’ll have to ask them. Or you could change the question slightly and ask yourself: Did I care for those people (getting quieter) or did I care more for the drink?

Scrooge: You’re fading!

Bud: Of course I’m fading–I’m a ghost. Do you want to be haunted by ghosts the rest of your life? Ha! Ha...ha.

Scrooge: He’s gone.

Bud: I’m back. I want a bigger part.

Scrooge: Get outta here!

(exit Bud) 23

Scrooge: (thoughtful) Did I care more for the drink? Well… I certainly would care for a drink right now! NO! —no more! That ghost got to me. I’ve got to get this thing under control. No more and that’s final! (loud clock ticking or metronome) (loooong silence, looks nervous, looks at watch) Forget this crap! That’s long enough! I’m no alcoholic. Now, where did I hide that bottle? I know, I remember. I hid a can of King Cobra Malt Liquor in the bottom of the litter box. No one would think to look there. (scratching) In here somewhere…

(enter Ghost of Christmas Present)

Santa: (wearing Santa Hat) Ho Ho Ho. What are you doing Ebenezer? Have they turned the water off too?

Scrooge: What? No… no… just uh… cleaning the box. You’re Santa Clause? For real?

Santa: You were expecting a pink elephant?

Scrooge: What? No. Why would that be what I expected?

Santa: What'd you expect, pumpkin juice?

Scrooge: What does that even mean?

Santa: I don't know I'm just saying stuff now.

Scrooge: Hey wait! I got it. I know why you're here! Noooooooo. I can assure you I’m not an alca… alca… alca… heavy drinker. Sure I might get a little tipsy now and then…

Santa: Now and then… When else is there?

Scrooge: Well, I don’t have a problem.

Santa: And you keep a mighty clean cat box too! Well… I’m the spirit of Christmas Present –No wisecracks! Ho ho ho. You’ll excuse the costume. I’m not really 24

Santa Clause–I just help out where I can. And I’ve got a busy night tonight. And you Ebenezer Scrooge are first on my list. Are you ready to go?

Scrooge: Do I have a choice?

Santa: (happily) Ho ho ho. No!

Scrooge: I didn’t think so. Where are we going?

Santa: To visit Bob Cratchit, his wife, and their little lad.

Scrooge: And I suppose Rudolph’s red nose will guide our sleigh?

Santa: Ho ho ho. I think yours will do nicely! Just put your finger beside–no, not inside–beside your nose and --

Both: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh

(enter Mrs., Cratchit, and Tiny Tim.)

Santa: up the chimney–we’re here! (they step back and watch)

Tiny Tim: (falsetto) Is the bird ready?

Cratchit: Let’s open the pot and see if the owl is fully boiled.

Mrs: An owl of all things!

Cratchit: It would be nice to buy some mint jelly to glaze it with.

Mrs: Not on the miserly wages that Scrooge pays you. He should at least let you keep all the tips! And this is the gift he gives? An owl to cook for Christmas dinner? It’s probably road kill. He’s a sick man!

Tiny Tim: What’s road kill Mommy? Pick me up so I can see, Daddy.

Cratchit: Alright. But it’s not much to see Very Tiny Tim. Climb up onto my hand. 25

Tiny Tim: I wish we had a turkey.

Cratchit: I do too son, but we can’t afford one.

Tiny Tim: Just like we can’t afford the Miracle Gro I need to get bigger?

Cratchit: That’s right Very Tiny Tim. That and the fact that Miracle Gro doesn't work on human boys. And if it did that would be weird. I know it's been tough only being six inches tall at age six. *

Mrs: (tearing up and sniffling) That's only an inch a year.

Tiny Tim: Don't cry mom! Why I'll be as tall as father when I'm seventy-two! It's not so bad.

Mrs: Yes, Very Tiny Tim. You will. But for now enjoy your youth. Why you’re in the prime of your life, champ.

(Cratchit gently taps Tiny Tim in an enthusiastic, yet, witheld manner.)

Tiny Tim: (very tiny, tiny voice) Maybe when I’m 72 I can play basketball like the other boys.

Cratchit: I'm sorry, speak up Very Tiny Tim. We can’t hear you.

Tiny Tim: But I’m shouting at the top of my lungs!

Cratchit: (endearingly) I know son, I was just trying to move away from the topic.

Mrs: The owl is ready!

Cratchit: Let’s have a toast; to Ebenezer, the founder of the feast!

Mrs: I’ll drink to your health, but not to his. Thank goodness he’s not here. There wouldn’t be anything left to toast with! He’d have already drunk it all. I’d like to scratch his eyes out with one of these leftover talons from that owl! 26

Tiny Tim: Peep peep peep

Both: (hands to ear) What’s that Very Tiny Tim? Now I actually can't hear you.

Tiny Tim: God bless us every one!

(exit the Cratchit family.)

Scrooge: Spirit, tell me–will Very Tiny Tim grow?

Santa: I see a tiny vacant seat and two parents on their knees… desperately searching through the aquamarine shag carpet. If these shadows remain as they are– the child will remain… a pip-squeak.

Scrooge: Oh Spirit. What can I do?

Santa: Follow me. We’re going to a plain ordinary whoopee party.

(enter Party Guests.)

Party1: Merry Christmas!

Party2: Merry Christmas!

Party3: Soooo, Uncle Scrooge refused you again this year?

Nephew: Yes, But I must say I worry about him. Every year he gets more and more cynical. He spits poison and vinegar on everyone he sees!

Party1: Why don’t you just give up on him?

Nephew: I can’t. You see, I remember how he used to be, an enthusiastic and intelligent fellow. Beneath all that bluster and smoke lies a good heart. I know it! He just… Drinks too much.

Party1: Yeah, always in his cups.

Party2: Yeah, always on a bender. 27

Party3: Three sheets in the wind.

Party1: Always smashed.

Party2: Always stoned.

Party3: Always juiced.

Party1: He’s a tippler.

Party2: He’s a sot.

Party3: He’s an inebriant.

Party1: A sponge.

Party2: A Boozer.

Party3: A Lush.

Nephew: A Dipsomaniac.

1,2 &3: A what?

Nephew: An alcoholic!

All: A Drunk!

Magoo: (slur words) I never noticed he drank that much…I think I love him...

Scrooge: They all seem to agree about me…

Santa: All except for that last gentleman.

Scrooge: Yeah and he was a … drunk.

(exit Santa and Party Guests.) 28

Scrooge: Hey! Santy Clause… Where did you go? What a state of mental gooseflesh. Man–These spooks! Spooking me out! (wander around)

(enter the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.)

Narrator: (wearing a white sheet) Hi There.

Scrooge: Y i i i i i i i i !!!!

Narrator: Jumpy tonight, aren’t we.

Scrooge: I know that voice. You’re the narrator! (pulls off sheet)

Narrator: (straightening himself up) No, I’m the Spirit of Christmas yet to come.

Scrooge: What’s your name?

Narrator: Hope. Doctor Bob (skip a beat) Hope.

Scrooge: You can call me Ebbey.

Narrator: I knew Ebbey and you’re no Ebbey! (softer tone) But you could be.

Scrooge: I suppose you want me to rub your belly.

Narrator: Bud’s been here. I’ve told him that makes a bad impression. Some are sicker than others. No, none of that and no prestidigitation either. The magic show is over Ebenezer. This is life and death.

Scrooge: (overdo it! Fall on knees…) Oh please spirit, don’t kill me!

Narrator: God you’re a wreck. Get up. Why don’t you go in the bathroom and freshen up. Wash your face.

Scrooge: Spirit. Where will you take me next.

Narrator: I’m taking you to the bathroom. Now open the door. 29

(enter Police 1 and 2.)

Scrooge: That’s not my bathroom in there. That’s the county jail. I’ve bailed Marley out of there many a time. Why do you show me this?

Narrator: Listen to the nice policemen…

Police1: (Irish broge) Who did you pick up tonight?

Police2: That old drunk, Ebenezer. Third time this week. Found him in the dumpster behind a bar.

Police1: Ask him if he’s having any fun.

Police2: Poor bastard used to be a good man. I’ve got to do the paperwork to get him into the nuthouse. He won’t calm down.

Police1: What’s his problem tonight?

Police2: Aw, he keeps screaming Justin Beaver and Hanna Nebraska are trying to poison him. I think we’ve lost him for good this time. They’ll probably lock him up for keeps. Best thing I suppose. There’s no hope for him. Hey let's go to the lobby and see who can do the most push-ups.

Police 1: Done and done.

(exit Police.)

Scrooge: Spirit! Everything is fading. What are you doing. I can’t take much more of this.

Narrator: (Weird, spacey background music from the cast. Twilight Zone theme song and bad science fiction sounds, for example ) The images melt and curl like a obnoxious memory of unwanted hallucinations from a bad acid trip from hell. The swirling eddies of color undulate and gather into a series of images; a laughing skull faced bartender, a man holding his breath underwater, a woman entwined in ever– 30 tightening vines with an unattainable glass of champagne balanced on her head. Finally the nightmare slide-show ends as the amorphous cloud creates … (music stops) A tombstone!

Scrooge: Pizza!!

Narrator: Stop that.

Scrooge: I sense a state of reasonableness coming on – AND IT HURTS!

Narrator: Just read the stone Ebenezer!

Scrooge: All right… “Here lies a Hampshire Grenadier, Who caught his death, Drinking cold small beer. A good soldier is ne’er forgot, Whether he dieth by musket, Or by pot.” (pause to think) Can pot kill you?

Narrator: That’s an outside issue! It’s referring to a pot of beer.

Scrooge: Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to help me?

Narrator: I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me! Listen, I’ve been sober 1 day at a time for seventy-seven years*, sixty-two of those I’ve been dead! And the way I’ve done it is by helping hopeless drunks like you. So you see –I have to be here. This thing works if your work it, but you got to work it every day, living or dead! And guess what Ebenezer Scrooge–you’re the bright spot of my day!

Scrooge: You mean you haven’t had a drink for seventy-seven years… including nights and weekends?

Narrator: That’s right.

Scrooge: How do you do it?

Narrator: What did you say?

Scrooge: How do you do it? 31

Narrator: I thought you’d never ask! Maybe it would be best if I get some help to sing the solution…

*(Dr. Bob’s last drink was June 10, 1935; he died Nov. 16, 1950. Do the math for the current year.) (Note for 12 Step Song: Get a strong voice to lead. The singer sings through line 2. After that, everyone sings the lines in parenthesis as the steps are repeated. The singer continues to sing each new step as it is added, and everyone sings the parenthesis line as they are counted back down. I know it’s hard to fit all those words in there—that’s the fun of it! We passed out copies of the song to the audience so everyone could sing along. Another copy of the song is provided at the end of this scrip to be photocopied for a handout.) 32

The Twelve Steps Song (to “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

The 1st step we took in our recovery… 1. was admitted we were powerless & unmanageable ( only sing the parentheses on repeat.) ALL: (and were powerless & un manageable)

The 2nd step we took in our recovery… (etc.) 2. was to be come willing

ALL: (afterbeing willing) 3. was to turn it over

ALL: (turning it over) 4. was a moral inventory

ALL: (with a moral inventory) 5. Shared our true selves!

ALL: (Shared our true selves!) 6. was to be willingNotToBe defective

ALL: (after being willing) 7. gave God our defects

ALL: (gave God our defects) 8. great big willing!

ALL: (great big willing) 9. clean up our house

ALL: (I’m not talking about vacuums) 10. continued to keep our house clean

ALL: (continued to keep our house clean) 11. was to de pend on God

ALL: (de pend on God) 12. was to sing this song to others 33

Scrooge: Yeah, that’s a very pretty song, and nicely sung, but I don’t get it. I mean, how do I keep from drinking?

Narrator: Well, you need this… (hands him a flimsy reed)

Scrooge: (examines it) A flimsy reed?

Narrator: Keep it. And you need one of these… (hands him a meeting schedule)

Scrooge: What’s this?

Narrator: A meeting schedule.

Scrooge: (gasps incredulously) Do you mean go to an AA meeting?

Narrator: Yep, go to an AA meeting… everyday. You can go to more if needed.

Scrooge: What an order—I can’t go through with it!

Narrator: “Here lies a Hampshire Grenadier, Who caught his death, Drinking cold small…

Scrooge: Oh God help me! Hey! Where did that spirit go? (Narrator drops Big Book on Scrooges head) OWWW!!! (incredulous) Man … that’s a big book. I’m willing.

Narrator: Scrooge returned to Cratchit’s house just before dinner on Christmas Day, with a turkey and a package of Miracle Gro. They feasted well and now Not Quite So Tiny Tim was heard to say…

TinyTim: (deep voice) Won’t you stay for desert Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: (pick up box of Miracle Gro) I can't believe that Miracle Gro really works! I’d love to Not Quite So Tiny Tim. But I’ve got to get to a meeting!

Narrator: And so Scrooge took the first steps to trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. Perhaps you will meet him, and all of us, someday in the Fellowship of the Spirit. 34

Tiny Tim: (deep voice) May God bless you and keep you—(high voice) until then!

The End. The Twelve Steps Song (to “The 12 Days of Christmas”) >>>only sing lines in parentheses<<< 1. The 1st step we took in our recovery… was admitted we were powerless & unmanageable ALL SING: (and were powerless & un manageable) 2. The 2nd step we took in our recovery… (etc.) was to be come willing ALL SING: (afterbeing willing) 3. was to turn it over ALL SING: (turning it over) 4. was a moral inventory ALL SING: (with a moral inventory) 5. Shared our true selves! ALL SING: (Shared our true selves!) 6. was to be willingNotToBe defective ALL SING: (after being willing) 7. gave God our defects ALL SING: (gave God our defects) 8. great big willing! ALL SING: (great big willing) 9. clean up our house ALL SING: (I’m not talking about vacuums) 10. continued to keep our house clean ALL SING: (continued to keep our house clean) 11. was to de pend on God ALL SING: (de pend on God) 12. was to sing this song to others