Foreplay Flashback Introduction

Foreplay Flashback Introduction 2009 President JOE KENNEDY Handicapper ROBIN LAMBERT Treasurer LYNETTE O’BRIEN Webmaster DAVE HATHERLEY Webmaster DON HODGKINS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Golf Weekly 3/20/09

Spring has sprung. Golf can't be far behind. Actually, the countdown is five weeks just 35 days!!! I've heard from only about 15 of you. Keep those cards and letters flowing in. Dave Nicholson has finally been heard from. Seems he spent the last two months in Mexico. He also has a new e-mail address. Let's analyze this for a minute. His new e-mail address is: [email protected] Dave Nicholson, former special agent, mysteriously disappears for two months in Mexico. Now he envisions himself "009" Is that two better than "007"? Does our Daveseehimself as James Bond? He's on hotmail but let's face it Dave, like many of us , you're not really a "hot male". Are we to think that you went to Mexico, went to work for the Federales and infilltrated the drug cartels with maybe a senorita ( or more likely senora vieja) on the side? Anyway Dave welcome back to the land of reality where I'm sure your golf game sucks like ours...... "see the ball....be the ball"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Email from Dan Crowley 3/24/09 (In response) I'm sure most of you do not recall that Dave was my partner last season. For the first six weeks or so Dave was mysteriouslyabsent. I received a vague message that he was ill.???Despite performing as a solo I did pretty well early on. When Dave returned I learned that he had spent considerable time in Mexico over the winter, (sound familiar), and came down with a severe intestinal bug that causedsignificantweight loss and left him very weak. He required much rest and antibiotics. Now it sounds like "009" returned to the scene of the crime. Hopefully, he brought his own bottled water and was cautious about imbibing in other liquids. As our league rules require that previous partners cannot repeat as a team in the following year, except for the champs, I will not be Dave's partner this season. But I do wish Dave good health this season and that he'll have good attendanceforhis new muchacho. Maybe we'll see him in a new golf sombrero. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Golf Weekly 4/3/09

Several bits of good news. First, we have identified the 48 golfers who will be League members for the 2009 year. We lost four golfers from last year- Mike McLane, John McKenzie, John Doherty, and Eddie Bauer. We're sad to see them go and hope they will golf with us on occasion during the year. We welcome back two former members - Ben Swartz and Bo Lynch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Golf Weekly 4/3/09

Several bits of good news. First, we have identified the 48 golfers who will be League members for the 2009 year. We lost four golfers from last year- Mike McLane, John McKenzie, John Doherty, and Eddie Bauer. We're sad to see them go and hope they will golf with us on occasion during the year. We welcome back two former members - Ben Swartz and Bo Lynch. After much e-mailing back and forth, the handicap committee has determined which golfers belong to which division. See 2009 League Members page. We're only 3 weeks from the practice round and the draw for partners. Merrimack was scheduled to open yesterday. If anyone gets up there to look or play a round, drop me a line as to how the course is playing. We'd especially like a card showing the current handicap rating and slope. Well back to work. Have a good week. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Golf Weekly 4/10/09 WAITING LIST: We are down to three individuals on our waiting list of those that have expressed formal interest in joining the prestigious North Shore Golf League. They are Gene Driscoll, Bill Noonan Jr (no legacy preference), and Tim Collins. To the three of you and anyone else that wants to get in the league, in the past few years, we have lost at least one member during the golf season and needed a replacement. Here is my proposal: 1) Join the NSGL Club by paying $35 for your MGA handicap card. 2) Come on up and play with us during the year. In any given week, there are several no shows. Just ask to join a teams that are less than a foursome. Do not pay the course but pay the green fees of $16 directly to our Treasurer, Lynette O'Brien or any other league official.. 3) The individual that plays the most will be put at the top of the list for the next opening. I will continue to send you Golf Weekly and FOREPLAY (when the season begins). If any league members know of others who want to join the laegue, feel free to let them know of the policy. The weather looks playable today but alas I have more pressing matters to attend to. I'm hoping to go up to Merrimack next week to play. Well, that's all folks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Golf Weekly 4/17/09 POSTING SCORES: Because we use MGA Handicaps to determine the strokes one is either giving or getting, it is very important that the integrity and accuracy of these handicaps is maintained. At the Tweaking Committee meeting in January, we decided on a few changes. The League Handicapper will automatically post all league scores unless a player asks to post his or her own and is granted permission by the handicap committee. We're actually planning to be quite liberal in granting requests but we do want these scores posted. The other part of the equation is non league scores. These should also be posted. USGA and MGA wants you to post the same day. We realize that that is impractical. THIS IS YOUR WARNING!! Failure to post will result in penalties being implemented. So for those of you who play at Unicorn every Tuesday or those who feel that when you play lousy inputting that score could hurt your handicap negatively, you still must post. Whenever you play, you are responsible to keep score and input that score. We will penalize if the scores have not been imput within two weeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEET THE NEW COURSE… SAME AS THE OLD COURSE As mentioned in last week’s GOLF WEEKLY, I played the course….all 18 holes. The front nine is playing as it did last year with the exception of the second hole. There is a temp green located to the just before the road at the base of the hill. This makes it a short par 4. The back nine actually isn’t that much different either. The 10th is once again a par three at the bottom of the hill. The 11th is playing as normal. The par 5 12th is now playing as a par 3 and a short par 4. The par three, supposedly 165 yds, has a temp green with the large cup. Therefore, you have a max of two putts once you get on the green. Why you would need more than that remains a mystery. The 14th is last year’s 13th , the par three along the houses. The 15th is last year’s 14th and playing basically the same. It’s a little shorter because of work on the tee box. You then swing around to what was the old 15th and play that par three. Then to the old 16th which is now the 17th. Be careful going there as you must pass in front of golfers teeing off on 18. The 18th is the old 17th and playing from the top of the hill to the old green. Lots of noise and dust as the bulldozers and trucks move around. Well that’s a summary of the course as it will probably play for the next two months. <:namespace prefix = st1> <:namespace prefix = st1> MERRIMACK SAYS NO JEANS/GENES Fortunately, after perusing our league membership list, I found that we don’t have any Jeans. We do have Gene Driscoll on the waiting list. He may have to start using E. Driscoll if he comes up to play. Seriously, they do have a no jeans, no jean shorts, no jean skirt policy. Cazoo showed up in jeans and had to change in order to play on Friday. Other clothing no-no’s are no t-shirts or tank tops (the tiger tee is acceptable), and only soft spikes. They also ask me to remind you no coarse language, rude behavior, interference or careless play or operation of golf carts. Foreplay 3a DRAWING FOR PARTNERS TO BE HELD AT COURSE As you come into the course from Howe Street, go to the right (for those who don’t know which is right, it’s the one away from the new clubhouse). Parking will be tight so I advise getting there early. On this Friday you will have to pay the course. I believe it’s $16. I have a flyer that states that for League members, Merrimack is “offering all league players complimentary greens fees for one round when they bring a guest during the month of April”. I’m not sure whether that applies on this Friday but you can try. Look for one of the flyers when you get there. Before going off, your attire will be checked by “little Napolean Joe” before permission is granted to proceed to the staging area for either hole 1 or 10. For those of you wishing to play an extra 9 before the regular scheduled round, the price remains at $7. The drawing will take place out by the picnic tables after golf. The forecast for this Friday is sunny and 75. SHAFTS OF STEEL ? I had the pleasure of playing 18 with the webmaster last Friday. He babbled on about watching videos all winter long and mentioned he needed a harder shaft so his shafts are now made of steel. I’m not sure exactly what he was talking about, but Kathy reportedly has a permanent smile on her face. Isn’t retirement wonderful? NOTHING FLUSHING AT MERRIMACK The clubhouse will not be open until May 15th at the earliest. Until then the only option is a bunch of port-a-potties. I’m sure that this is not going to sit well (no pun intended) with many of our members. I suggest a brief stop at the convenience store/Dunkin’ Donuts on Howe Street before coming to the course and then easy on the liquids until you leave. I’M NOT DANNY……. I know the pressures of having to come up with fresh material to keep FOREPLAY interesting. I’m hoping not to have to get to “Sausages at the Turn” in May in order to fill up space. To paraphrase Art Linkletter, “golfers do and say the funniest things”. What I need is for you to tell me those amusing happenings out on the course. I’ll make sure that the whole league knows. Tell me, your secret’s safe with me. CHANGE IN SCHEDULE The Club Championship, also known as SAUSAGES AT THE TURN has been switched from August 7th to August 14th. We will have a shotgun start at 11AM. Please make the necessary change in your schedule. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May 8, 2009 AGAINST A COOL, GRAY MAY SKY….. The 38th year of the North Shore Golf League started in less than ideal conditions. Despite this 40 of our 48 golfers showed up. Actually 41 showed up but Ben Dicenso decided to leave after finding out his partner, Steve O’Brien wasn’t going to be there. Those that were there found the new cards, generated by Jim Haker, to be a positive change to the scraps of paper handed out by the course. Thanks Jim!!! Chief Handicapper Robin asked me to point out that there is a space to the extreme right of the card to post the results of the match. It’s called…”Holes Won”. Apparently, the age of our league is beginning to show. Several members couldn’t recall that the rules on absentees were changed last year. If your partner is not there, you must re-point the card with you playing against both of the opposing team individually. Your partner is limited to winning 4.5 points. Team wise you are in effect playing alone. If your opponents do not show, a blind draw is made of the teams who showed in your opponents division and the cards are then matched after being re-dotted with the new handicaps. Speaking of handicaps, we again urge you to post all outside scores. Four of our members recently went to Myrtle Beach. Two posted seven scores, one posted four scores, and the last posted nada. The clock on the two weeks is ticking

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? (UPDATE ON COURSE)

Well there is some good news. “They” say that the clubhouse is scheduled to open May 15th. “They” also say that the 10th hole will open sometime in May. “They” also say that greens for 15 and 18 will open sometime in May. Of course the fairways will close at that time making 18 a par 3. Further, “they” say the new 16 is scheduled to be open July 1st. Some one could run a profitable pool taking odds of this all happening. Speaking of pools, the league has developed a wide spectrum of thoughts on how the hole in one pool should be structured. My informal poll indicates that the current way is good. Keep giving me your feedback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5/15 THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER The good news is that Joe ‘the Enforcer’ Kennedy will be away this week. In his absence, please enjoy a Post-Free Week. I urge everyone to get out there and run up your score with total impunity from Joe’s watchful eyes. If you play well, DON’T POST IT! Have a bad round, say no to posting ! Talk with your opponent about free lifts for stakes of all colors. Perhaps agree to automatic sand/saves. Score what you deserve, not what you shoot.Five prize points to the golfer who best exhibits ..No Respect for the Game©

Enjoy it while you can. Upon his return, Emperor Joe implements a new policy. Effective May 29th, all league members must be fitted with sub-dermal GPS implants. The GPS sensor will trigger a message to his Excellency whenever you come within 100 feet of a tee box. Those failing to post their scores within 3 hours of finishing the round will receive an electrical shock. Repeat offenders will be rescheduled to play every week on the back nine.(Note to Stoneham PODers: Keep away from the China Moon restaurant. The proximity to Hago’s miniature golf will trigger an alert to El Presidente).

PRIZE POINT POTPOURRI 3 points to team mates Dick Pais and Ben Swartz for their matching Red Sox hats (They’re so cute together). 2 points for team mates Dennis Snow and Dave Hatherley for matching cold sores on opening day (okay, minus 2 points). 1 point to Rick Steere for winning the ASA Softball Umpirelook-alike contest. 2 points to Barry Higgins for controlling himself (The mix of Barry, Budweiser and umpires typically ends badly) . 2 points to Theresa Gorey for innovative play (ask about her © hand shot ). 4 points to Sean Dalton to celebrate the birth of Sean Jr. (it would have been double points for a daughter named JoAnne [triple points with an ‘e’]). ~~~~~~~~ KNOW YOUR LEAGUE- NSGL TRIVIA This week’s FOREPLAY is dedicated to eight trivia questions about the league members. League officers are not eligible for prizes and are requested not to help with the answers. Help?I wouldn't think of it. Please e-mail me or you can give me your answers in person. Deadline is end of golf May 29th. Decisions of the judge is final. 1) How many members live outside Massachusetts? 2) Which member comes the furthest to play golf each week? 3) How many members live in or south of Boston? (hint draw a line east to west) Hint ? I thought we were not supposed to help. 4) How many women are in the league? If the Prez can give a hint, so can I >>>>>>hint<<<<<<<<< 5) Which Mass city or town has the most unrelated members? 6) Which letter of the alphabet begins the most members’ last name? 7) How many “couples” are in the league? If I were allowed to enter the contest, I would include thiscouple:

8) Which three city or towns have the most members among its residents? BONUS: Which Elvis movie had Elvis falling for an IRS agent? Hint: The answer is not " Viva Las Nicholson", " Love Me Tony", " Blue Suade Swartz", " Kid Galahaker", or " Jailhouse Ralph"