Session Length: 50 Minutes s3

LED 104 MANAGING DIFFICULT SIT. 2009 NATIONAL ORDER OF THE ARROW CONFERENCE

Session Length: 75 Minutes

Learning objectives: . Anticipating difficult situations . Identifying difficult situations and conflicts . Indentifying key players . Managing difficult situations . Accessing and reflecting on the events Required Materials: . Flipchart or board to display information (suggested) . Power Point presentation file and projector . TV or Projector with DVD capability

TRAINER PREPARATION

The room can be set up in small groupings, tables, or individual chairs as any setup will not affect the group activity or the rest of the training cell, although tables may be preferential so participants can take notes throughout the cell. Always be aware of the amount of participants before setting up the room and take all of the room’s qualities into account.

Trainer Tip: For the sake of time, you will want to make all preparations with the slideshow, flipchart, and movie before participants arrive to your session.

Be ready to give a brief personal introduction and allow arrowmen to give a similar icebreaking intro that will include the following:

. Name . Home Lodge . OA/ Scouting positions . Rank . One interesting fact (time and amount of participants permitted)

If arrowmen group together in groups of fellow lodge members or established friends you may want to rearrange the room with unfamiliar arrowmen grouped together, this will help with the activity and you will receive more attention as a trainer.

SESSION NARRATIVE

Introduction: 10 Minutes

Hopefully you all know why you’re here; today we are going to discuss the importance of understanding and managing difficult situations and conflict in your everyday life and why learning how to handle those situations will prove to be important in all of your endeavors, especially here in the Order of the Arrow.

There are generally a few main factors about these difficult situations that we encounter; they involve at least two parties, but there is generally either no communication or too much of the wrong kind of

Order of the Arrow Page 1 of 9 Boy Scouts of America 2006 NOAC Session L434 Team Building communication (and by that, I mean argumentative or destructive rather than constructive communication).

I know that just about everyone has encountered a difficult situation somewhere throughout their life, whether it was in the Boy Scouts or elsewhere, and many of us have participated in conflict resolution classes and seminars. Can you all provide us with a few examples of these difficult situations?

Trainer Tip: Be sure to solicit answers from both youth and adults, but remember who your cell is tailored toward.

So, it seems that you all understand the basic concept of conflict and difficult situations. We must remember that conflict takes place in all areas of life because of the different emotions, needs, and desires of humans. In families, where the people love each other, in the Order of the Arrow, where we have some of the world’s best leadership and talent, and even the workplace where people are paid to work together, we will find these situations.

Let’s take a look a clip from a movie which many of you have seen, Remember the Titans. If you have not seen this Disney movie, this is what is going on:

A longtime black coach has been hired to be the head coach at a newly integrated Virginia high school, replacing the longtime white head coach. Along with a new coach of a different race, many African American players have now been able to join the team for the first time. The attitudes and situations as this team tries to form a family reflect the racial conflicts that are taking place in this newly integrated South. The clips that we will see today are during the team’s summer football camp on a college campus.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “Not yet a team” Time: 1:10

[Play the queued segment of the video starting at 0:00]

[End playback at 1:10]

So, we see in this clip, there is clearly conflict among the members of the team, and there was little to nothing that the coach could have done to stop it before it happened, so we will see as we move through this cell how Coach Boone brings the team together.

Before I get into the exact steps and progression of these situations, I want to emphasize this fact, and this is the most important thing that I have to say today: THE EASIEST WAY TO RESOLVE CONFLICT AND HANDLE SITUATIONS IS TO CATCH THEM BEFORE THEY HAPPEN. And we do this in a few ways.

Set SMART and Clear goals: 7 Minutes

Before you attempt any endeavor in the Order or regular life, you want to know exactly what you are going to do. For this reason, you always want to set up a list of goals. Now, many of us try to think of goals using the framework, or mindset that we are superheroes and everything will work perfectly, but this is hardly ever the case, and that is why we have to create SMART goals. You have probably heard this acronym before, but a SMART goal is one that is:

Specific-

When planning to complete a task, you cannot just make a blanket statement or say what you are going to do, it is important that you describe exactly what and how you are going to do in order to complete the task.

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Measurable-

You will want to be able to know exactly when you have completed a part of your goal. For this reason, you need to have measurable benchmarks. Benchmarks are going to be detailed guidelines that may include numbers that will help guide you to completion and help you know when a task is complete.

For example, if you are planning a chapter or lodge event, one part of your goal may be to increase attendance by 20%. The number (or percentage) is the measurable part of this goal.

Also, be aware, that in order to increase attendance from prior events, you have to know the number of people who actually participated, you can’t just estimate or make things up because chances are, you will be wrong.

Attainable-

When you identify goals that are most important to you, you begin to figure out ways you can make them come true. You develop the attitudes, abilities, skills, and financial capacity to reach them. You begin seeing previously overlooked opportunities to bring yourself closer to the achievement of your goals. You want to look at yourself and the organization which you are a part of, which could be the Order of the Arrow or the Boy Scouts of America, and you want to make sure the goals are within your scope.

Realistic-

This one is pretty simple and similar to the A in SMART goals (attainable). We all have to realize as we make our plans, that we are not a super hero. There are only a certain amount of things that we can do throughout the duration of our term. In other words, it’s okay to shoot for the moon, but when you start aiming for Pluto, we might have a problem. Be sure to only strive to do things that are in your power and things that you have the ability to do.

Timely-

Make sure that you can achieve your goals during the time that you have been chosen to serve (either elected, or appointed). Also, during the planning process, you want to give yourself deadlines to complete the benchmarks which we have already discussed.

Now, remember, it is not only important for you to know what your goals are, but also the people you are working with and those people who you serve need to know the goals as well. Be sure to publish or post your goals somewhere, and this will keep people informed and part of the process, and it will also allow them to give you a bit of oversight (people will encourage, and frankly, they will sometimes be on your case, for you to complete the goals).

Let’s go back to Remember the Titans and see how Coach Boone communicated his goals. Take note of these goals and we will talk about the things he did, and maybe the things he missed.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “After the fight” Time: 1:39

[Solicit answers and discuss each part of smart goals]

Understanding people: 10 Minutes

Understanding people is probably one of the hardest things that we will ever learn (and hopefully) master in life. In fact, there could be whole training cells about this issue alone and chances are, it will take life experiences for you truly understand this skill.

That being said, we have to do the best we can because understanding people determines not only how we interact with them, but also who we are as both a leader and a servant.

Think, for a second, about your own group of friends. When you want to do a certain activity, or have a specific piece of information to share, I doubt that you always call on the same person. That is because each of your friends has different tastes and personalities and you can’t treat each one the same way.

[Telephone activity (4 or 5 arrowmen)- whisper “Yo adoro NOAC y esta clase” (I love NOAC and this class) or other phrase.]

This activity, despite the fact that we probably haven’t played it since kindergarten, brings up a valid point. Every person hears things differently when you say something to them. You have to craft the way that you behave to people differently depending on their personality. You have to say the same thing to different people in a different way so that each person will walk away with same idea.

There will be times where you will say something to another person, and although you wouldn’t find it harsh or offensive, they may feel a bit differently.

Let’s go back to Remember the Titans, and see this scene in the cafeteria where Coach Boone attempts to get each team member to understand the others, especially those of different races.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “After the fight” Time: 6:23

Solicit Opinions: 7 Minutes

One of the biggest issues in our movie is the fact that no one is listening to each other and that lack of communication is bringing up a lack of understanding. Let’s take a look at the lack of communication and appreciation for other’s opinions in this next clip.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “No one listens” Time: 2:07

We can look at two of the situations separately; the communication between Julius and Gary (the team captain) and the situation of the entire team under the leadership of Coach Boone.

First, between Gary and Julius, we see that there is a lack of understanding because their idea of communication is yelling at each other, and neither one of them is listening to the other. On the case of the entire team, Coach Boone does not want to hear any opinions because he runs his team as a dictatorship. We could argue that is not a bad thing because the team needed this type of leadership during this tough time, but that is up to you to decide how other types of leadership would have affected the situation.

We know that in the pre-ordeal ceremony Kichkinet speaks of the “isolation which a leader often faces.” It is true that being a leader will many times set you apart from your peers. There will be times were you will not have a popular opinion and it will seem like, once again, “all the world may seem against you.” It is inevitable that you will feel as though you are the only one fighting for what is right and that is okay. However, when you, as a leader, make a decision, it is important to seek the opinions and ideas of your fellow leadership because you have to recognize that you don’t always have all of the best answers.

Generally, you will have plenty of people to talk to, but there are always three good options. First and foremost are your fellow officers or youth leaders. Remember that these individuals were chosen or elected to serve the best interest of the lodge and they probably have the ability to do so. Secondly, are your advisers; these individuals were chosen to help you because they are smart, experienced people who have probably been in your shoes or similar situations. The third set of people who you can easily refer to is your friends who can be open and honest with you. In the world of leadership, you have to have a group of people who will keep you grounded and give you open and honest opinions.

If you regularly refer to the people, you will have many views and ideas to look at when you make decisions.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “Gary and Julius Talk” Time: 1:39

We see in this clip, Gary and Julius are actually speaking to each other, despite the fact they are still obviously angry, but this conversation begins the turning point in the conflict and the movement toward being a team, and later in the movie, a family.

Recognizing conflict before it happens: 1-2 Minutes

Recognizing conflict before it happens is another step of this process which heavily relies on communication. That word is by far one of the most important of this session; communication, communication, communication! If you are talking to the people that surround you, you are constantly receiving other’s opinions, other people’s ideas, and people genuinely feel as though they are a part of something important. If you start off with communication then you will have taken some of the best steps possible to avoid conflict.

I tell you, there is nothing worse than feeling left out, or feeling as though people are ignoring you and your ideas. If you do that to another person, there is a possibility they will get frustrated and that situation might escalate.

So, we communicate when we work together, and if you start to feel as though a rough or tough situation brewing, you can always sit down that person and just ask, “What’s going on? How are you feeling?”

If you keep that in your repertoire in your workings with your peers (in other words, practice that skill often), people will be more apt to come and speak to you, openly and honestly, about how they are feeling. This single act will help avoid much of the conflict that would potentially happen.

Understand the situation: 5 Minutes

When these situations arise, the first thing we need to do is figure out the details of what we are dealing with, in other words, who is involved, what is the part of the situation is in contention or, in other words,

Order of the Arrow Page 5 of 9 Boy Scouts of America 2006 NOAC Session L434 Team Building what is being debated? These questions will generally not be easy and if they were, then we would not be in this training cell.

You’re going to want to think about the different aspects of the situation and possibly write them down. These parts of the situation will probably include the following:

Who is involved in the situation? What is being debated? How do I feel, and how do others feel? Why do they we feel that way?

It will be important, as you think about these different aspects, that you also try to take a walk in other’s shoes. It is hard to look at yourself and the things that you have said and done in a neutral way, but you have to try during this process, you have got to remove all personal feelings and relationships of the situation and look at the situation in an unbiased way. This will help you better understand the misunderstanding at hand.

Let’s take a look back at the movie:

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “The run” Time: 3:12

Coach Boone knew what was going on with the team and not only did he understand the current situation, he was able to relate what the team and the country were doing to the events of the Civil War. Notice that he never took sides, but he took himself out of the equation and analyzed and understood the situation.

Sit back and think: 2 Minutes

Who here has seen the TV show Blues Clues? Oh, come on. I know that just about all of you have seen it. Our next step in our process comes right from that TV show.

Think back to the show, and someone tell me; what did Steve (or currently, Joe) do when it was time to solve the puzzle? [solicit answers] Correct, he would “sit down in his thinking chair and think… think… think. ‘Cause when we use our mind, one step at a time, we can do anything that we wanna do.”

You have to find your own thinking chair, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a chair. It can be a room away from the action, the couch in front of your TV, or even your bed, with your eyes closed. But you have to find your space where you stop listening to the other voices and you can cool off and come to your own conclusions. It is also helpful if we use our last step (understand the situation) and use the things we may have written down to consider during this time.

This step, sit back and think, is important both when you make difficult decisions along with the times where you attempt to avoid conflict.

I will also mention a skill a lot of people talk about, one that we normally blow off and don’t use, that is the act of counting to 10 before making a verbal (or electronic response). When you take those crucial few seconds to think about what you are saying or doing, you are more likely to make responses that are less harsh, less malicious, and more measured and accurate.

And I include electronic responses because it feels a lot different to send an email or instant message than it does to say something to a person’s face. For this reason, many people say things electronically

Order of the Arrow Page 6 of 9 Boy Scouts of America 2006 NOAC Session L434 Team Building that they would never say in person. If you take a few seconds (and possibly count to ten or leave the computer and return when you have cooled off) things will probably turn out better for both people.

What to do when you’ve run out of options: 1-2 Minutes

There are going to be times which you get frustrated when things are not going the way you have planned and you have to handle them in an appropriate manner If you reach this point, you should not “fire” anyone, and you should not quit your job. “Remember, those who chose you, need you.” And you have to remember these people every day you make a decision.

Trainer Tip: At this point, you, as the trainer, can include an example, if you have one, which you (as a leader) did not make the appropriate decision.

If there are not any options left, the best possible solution is for you to speak to an adviser. As I have mentioned before, these individuals have experienced similar situations in life and they have been trained in how to resolve these conflicts. A good adviser will be able to help guide you out of the rut that you may have found yourself in.

Generally, the chapter, lodge, or other part of the organization will assign you a particular adviser for your specific job, but do be aware that all of the youth leaders and advisers are in place for a better organization and if you need to speak to another adviser in your chapter or lodge to help resolve a situation, an adviser that you are more comfortable speaking with, that is okay too.

Do be aware, however, that advisers are in place to give advice and will not and should not do the work for you, unless, maybe, you need them to moderate a discussion. Resolving the situation is your job, the adviser is just there in case there truly aren’t any more options.

Putting out the fire: 4 Minutes

As conflict or a difficult situation come to a closes, there are two things that you want to do, but with some amount of discretion.

The first of these two things is knowing when and how to say sorry. After an intense situation, a person can feel upset and unimportant. Because of the nature of our organization, it is not acceptable (repeat: it’s not acceptable) to allow a person to feel this way. We need all of our smartest and most competent arrowmen working together, even during the times were we disagree. Also, we should never forget that we are working with our friends, but more so, our brothers.

Also, as a trick, know that you do not always have to admit fault when you apologize. Sometimes, you will just need genuinely to apologize for the situation and misunderstanding, but not something that you have specifically done. You do have to be careful with the tool, however, because if you are not genuine for your apology, you will come off are sarcastic and that will just make the situation worse or end up at square one.

On the other hand, you will need to know when to admit fault or participation in the conflict. Sometimes you will recognize that you may have hurt someone’s feelings or allowed someone on your team to feel neglected. These situations will happen to the best of us and it takes a great leader and a great person to admit their mistakes and apologize.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “The nonverbal apology” Time: 1:43

Now, in this clip, we are looking more at the nonverbal apology than we are what the guys were saying to each other. As Gary and Julius are butting heads and pushing each other, we can tell that they are both nonverbally admitting fault for the things that happened in the past and they are acknowledging they are one team and one family.

Putting it into action (Activity): 20 Minutes

Alright, we saw the basic progression of conflict in Remember the Titans. All of you are now on a football team. We are going to split up for a few minutes and come together for a quick role playing activity.

Trainer Tip: Split up the group between Cory Captain and Frankie Freshman. Be sure to split up the group so adults can work with adults, and youth with youth. Once you have split them up, go to opposite corners of the room and read them the corresponding prompts listed in the appendix. After the roughly 10 minutes of role play, use some time for a recap of the activity.

Conclusion: 6 Minutes

Let’s go back to Remember the Titans one last time and see how everything worked out. This scene is after the team started winning and became not only the pride of the town but an model of racial harmony.

Roll Video Remember the Titans: “Harmony and success” Time: 2:31

In life, we want to do all that we can to avoid conflict and difficult situations, but sometimes it is not possible to take those steps. It then becomes our objective to reorganize and make sure that feelings don’t get hurt. We also know that sometimes it’s important to listen to other people, and sometime it is important to consider all sides in quiet place where we can think, but either way, we have to understand both the situation and the people who are involved. Remember that the people who you work with the Order of the Arrow are volunteers just like you, and there is no reason why we should not work as hard as we can to make relationships work in this organization.

As we go about our life, use these tips and skills to become a better and stronger leader.

Trainer Tip: Be sure to save enough time for Q & A. Most times, arrowmen will learn the most from the problems and successes from other sections, lodges, or chapters.

APPENDIX: SUPERHERO SITUATIONS

Cory Captain:

This year is going to be the best season of football that Goodman High School has ever seen. Not only has your team gotten better and better each season and it looks like you will be a contender for the state football title, one of your freshman team mates has said that his mom’s company will provide the team with a sponsorship and new uniforms and better equipment, all he has to do is ask. This is very exciting for you since this is your last year on the team and you are going to be both the quarterback and team captain. Because of your future leadership on the team, you will be considered for a prestigious scholarship for college from the local news paper if you perform well, attend every game, and remain captain during the entire season. Everything seems like it is working out when you hear from someone else that Frankie is not going to get the uniforms and equipment from his mother’s company. This new apparel and athletic equipment is important not only for the team’s success, but how you do as captain, and whether you will receive your scholarship.

Frankie Freshman:

This year is going to be the best season of football that Goodman High School has ever seen. Not only has your team gotten better and better each season and it looks like you will be a contender for the state football title, but the quarterback, Cory Captain, said he will let you take his place as quarterback for half of the games this season if you can deliver on getting a sponsorship that your mom’s company is interested in. Things seem to be going well, and it looks like you are going to be the first freshman quarterback in school history until you hear from someone else that Cory said he would never let a freshman be the captain of the team and he also called you a punk kid. He probably didn’t say that to your face because he wants to use you for your connection to your mother’s company. If this is the case, why would you want to get the sponsorship?

APPENDIX: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Question: Who wrote this syllabus for the 2009 NOAC?

Answer: Ken Barton wrote this syllabus and he can be reached by emailing [email protected]

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