Ted S Attempted Suicide

Ted’s Attempted Suicide

By Carl Kloster

TED

SAMANTHA

CHRISTIE

TIME AND PLACE

Present day in a NASA break room. By Carl Kloster

Ted’s Attempted Suicide

Scene 1

(The stage is divided into two sections. One half of the stage is a NASA breakroom that has a kitchen area and a sitting area with couch. The kitchen has a lighting fixture hanging over a dining table, and a counter top that has a Taco Bell cup and some chulupa wrappers. There are drawers under the counter that contain knifes. The sitting area has a couch facing the audience and a window on a wall behind the couch. Next to the couch there is a small table where a cordless phone sits. The other half of the stage is an office with a cubicle. In the cubicle is a computer, a chair, nothing else. Above the cubicle is a large sign that says “Taco Bell, Customer Comment line rules: Never hang up! Find out what they eat! Be polite! Remind them of our awesome new foods!”. Lights up on the breakroom half of the stage. TED, a young thin man who is crying, is pacing around franticly making a noose with a very very long piece of rope. One end of the rope is tied to the leg of the couch in the sitting area. He finally finishes the noose and walks into the kitchen. He tosses it over the lighting fixture and places a chair under the noose end. He stands up on the chair and places the noose around his neck.)

TED Christie, I’ll miss you even more when I’m dead. (TED jumps off the chair, but because the rope wasn’t attached to the light and was very long, TED lands on the ground perfectly fine. He cries more.)

TED Argh! Why can’t I die! (TED, noose still around his neck, walks into the sitting area and picks up the cordless phone and starts dialing. He plops down on the couch.)

TED I need help. (Lights up on the office half of the stage. SAMANTHA is sitting in the cubicle typing on the computer. She has a phone headset on.) SAMANTHA Thank you for calling the Taco Bell Customer Comment Line where we’re hungry to talk to you. This is Samantha, how can I be of service today?

TED (Unintelligible crying)

SAMANTHA Sir? Sir, I can’t understand you. Did you suffer an allergic reaction to the zesty ranch sauce in out new Zesti-to Taco Supremeo? Did your tongue swell to roughly the size of a bean burrito?

TED (Regaining himself) No, no that taco was delicious. It’s just that my, my girlfriend. She- (TED breaks into more unintelligible crying and in the process falls to the floor.)

SAMANTHA Did your girlfriend suffer a fatal reaction to the Mountain Dew Baja Blast – Ride the Lime! – soft drink? Mountain Dew is very sorry and would like to offer its sincerest apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

TED No! You’re not listening!

SAMANTHA (Still typing at the computer) Sir, I am listening, you called me.

TED (TED picks himself off the floor and stands up.) Ok, I’m sorry. It’s just, my girlfriend. She broke up with me again today.

SAMANTHA (SAMANTHA stops typing and turns from the computer.) Uh, sir? This is the Taco Bell Customer Comment line. I can’t help you unless this call has something to do with Taco Bell or it’s sister company, Bernard’s Excess Laxatives.

TED (TED walks to the kitchen as he talks) Well, we broke up in the local Taco Bell.

SAMANTHA I see. (SAMANTHA turns back to her computer and resumes typing.) Was the atmosphere pleasant, the food enjoyable?

TED Yeah, the food was fine, but-

SAMANTHA What was it you purchased for consumption?

TED (TED should be in the kitchen by now and he takes a sip from his Taco Bell cup.) What does that matter?

SAMANTHA I’m trying to help you sir.

TED (TED sits in the chair he tried to hang himself with earlier.) I had a Baja Chulupa. Eight of them.

SAMANTHA And the girlfriend?

TED Mexican pizza minus meat, cheese, sauce, and tortillas.

SAMANTHA (SAMANTHA stops typing.) So it was just beans, tomatoes, and green onions?

TED Yeah, she doesn’t eat meat. And you were out of green onions, by the way. That might have been part of the reason she left me.

SAMANTHA (SAMANTHA resumes typing.) I doubt it, sir.

TED Anyway, she broke my heart in two and now I’m trying to kill myself, again. That’ll show her.

SAMANTHA Uh-huh. Taco Bell wishes you the best in your love life. How about I send you some coupons for -

TED I made a noose, but the rope was too long. (TED stands up and puts the noose over the phone and tightens the noose to hold the phone against his ear. He walks to the fridge.)

SAMANTHA What if you cut the rope?

TED (TED rummages in the fridge.) No! Christie gave me this rope!

SAMANTHA Christie?

TED (TED pulls out a jug of milk.) My girlfriend!

SAMANTHA I thought you two broke up?

TED Arg! I want to die! (He spikes the milk into the ground.)

SAMANTHA Sir, no don’t do that. In the interest of Taco Bell we would hate to lose one of our best customers.

TED That’s cold Samantha. You yourself don’t care if I die, but the corporation you work for does?

SAMANTHA Sir, how about I connect you to the suicide hotline? It’ll be easy I’ll just-

TED No! You’re the only one that’s keeping me from offing myself right now! If you hang up, I’ll… (TED runs to the drawer and pulls out a knife.) I’ll stab myself! A Lot! (TED stabs himself several times, but it does nothing.) I can’t even stab myself properly!

SAMANTHA The Suicide hotline will-

TED They stopped taking my calls three months ago. Since then I’ve been calling random customer hotlines.

SAMANTHA You’re that guy?

TED Huh?

SAMANTHA We’ve been getting memos about some psycho calling random companies and talking about his girlfriend.

TED Psycho?

SAMANTHA It sounds like you were really devoted to her.

TED I was! I washed her bed, gave her breakfast in car! (TED takes the phone and holds it in his hand and resets the noose around his neck.)

SAMANTHA Uh.

TED I know that sounds awkward but it’s what happened. She drives a lot. (As TED is saying this CHRISTIE jogs into the sitting area eating a huge turkey leg and dressed in jogging gear. There is turkey all over her face. She stops to look at the rope trails left on the ground from TED’s noose rope. She follows it until she gets into the kitchen and sees TED on the phone.)

CHRISTIE What the fuck Ted! TED Oh, shit. (TED turns to face CHRISTIE.)

SAMANTHA What?

TED She’s home, I’ll…hold on a minute. (To CHRISTIE.) Hi baby, have a good day at, uh, is that a turkey leg?

CHRISTIE Ted, what the hell are you doing at my work!

TED Well, I was just trying to kill myself. For you of course!

CHRISTIE So do it already! Why are you on that phone! (Stunned TED is frozen as CHRISTIE storms over and nabs the phone out of his hand. CHRISTIE talks into the phone.) Hello? Who are you and what has he done?

SAMANTHA This is Samantha at the Taco Bell Customer Comment Line, how can I be of service today?

TED That, that’s um, my new girlfriend. She loves me you know.

CHRISTIE What has he told you?

SAMANTHA He has told me of how he ate eight chulupas, which is a feat in itself. And mentioned the trouble you two are having relationship wise.

TED We met in the park down the street. (TED starts slowly walking out of the kitchen toward the sitting area.)

CHRISTIE He failed to mention then how I was the one bringing home all the money with my career as an astronaut. Or how those few shining moments of niceness were to make up for his horrible mistakes the day before.

SAMANTHA He really cleaned your bed and gave you breakfast in your car?

TED She’s a Mole-person from the center of the earth.

CHRISTIE Only because he slept in my bed with another woman, forcing me to sleep in my car that night!

SAMANTHA Oh, wow. Taco Bell would like to hand its apologies to you in the form of money saving coupons. Give me your address and we can be on our way.

CHRISTIE I don’t want your filthy coupons!

TED I’m going to go meet her for coffee now. (TED backs up to the sitting area window and falls out it. The rope gets pulls taut with the one end tied to the couch.)

CHRISTIE I just want him out of my life! I have important space missions to focus on.

SAMANTHA Well Taco Bell would like to remind you we are planning to build a new store located conveniently on the moon. If you need-

CHRSITIE That is convenient. I’m sorry for blowing up, I had no idea Taco Bell had such high respect for astronauts. I’m sorry for any trouble Ted has caused you today.

SAMANTHA Don’t worry; we get it all the time.

CHRISTIE Well, I’ll let you get back to work then helping people with real Taco Bell problems.

TED (Offstage.) No! (TED pulls himself through the window. The noose is still around his neck, not any tighter either.) Don’t hang up! I love her!

CHRISTIE What?

SAMANTHA Did he just say he, loves me?

CHRISTIE Yeah, he did.

TED I didn’t realize it till now, my 11th attempt at suicide, that I want to live!

CHRISTIE You really suck at making nooses Ted.

TED Christie, give me that phone. I have magic to make.

CHRISTIE (To SAMANTHA.) He wants to talk to you again.

SAMANTHA Tell him I already hung up!

CHRISTIE (To TED.) She already hung up.

TED Then why are you holding the phone like you are talking to her?

CHRISTIE (To SAMANTHA.) It’s not working.

SAMANTHA Fine, put him on.

CHRISTIE (CHRISTIE holds the phone out to TED.) Here. (TED reaches for the phone, but just before he gets it CHRISTIE snatches it back.) But when you are done, you are out of here. For good. Got it?

TED (Grabbing the phone.) Got it. (Talking into the phone with added suaveness.) Hey. What’s up?

SAMANTHA Sir, I, um. Taco Bell would like to inform you that the customer service representatives can not date callers.

TED Samantha, I’ve never met you, but you saved me from more failed attempts at my own suicide. I want you Samantha.

SAMANTHA Sir, I um. Taco Bells new Enchilada Spicy Bean Burrito – Enchil-Hot-da! - has four separate layers of peppers and-

TED Samantha, Spice up my night! (SAMANTHA peeks her head out of the cubicle and stage divider and looks directly at CHRISTIE.)

SAMANTHA Do it! Do it now! (CHRISTIE picks up the turkey leg and points it at TED.)

TED What? (Points at SAMANTHA.) Who is that?

CHRISTIE Goodbye Ted.

TED Huh? (Has a realization of what is about to happen.) No! (A gunshot is heard and CHRISTIE reels back like the turkey leg was the gun that went off, because in fact it was. Deal with it. TED falls back onto the dining table clutching his chest. He pulls his hand away to see he is bleeding profusely, probably more blood than two or three men should have.) Why?

CHRISTIE Because it’s what you wanted.

TED No, it wasn’t. You didn’t just hear me before saying I wanted to live? Were your ears too full of turkey or something? Damn it! (SAMANTHA walks over towards CHRISTIE and stands next to her.) What the hell? Samantha?

SAMANTHA It was the only way you’d ever learn Ted.

TED Learn what! How to bleed to death? Thanks for that! It was something I always wanted to know! SAMANTHA That the only one who could kill you, was someone who was not you.

TED I’m the Highlander?

CHRISTIE And that treating women poorly will end up coming back to haunt you.

TED And you’re both ghosts?

SAMANTHA (To CHRISTIE.) Wow, he really doesn’t get anything does he?

CHRISTIE Nope.

TED I loved you both, please in this my final hour, will you both say that you’re my girlfriends? So that I may die a happy man?

SAMANTHA No. Not that. Not ever. CHRISTIE Yeah, you’d have to come back to life and do a lot of really great things to get me to want to say that ever again.

TED Yeah, thanks. I’ll do that. I’ll go all zombie on both your asses. (TED leans forward and drinks some of the blood pouring out of his chest.) Huh. Not bad. I guess that’s what I should suspect after eating so many chulupas.

SAMANTHA That’s sick.

TED Hey it’s your fault! I wouldn’t be drinking my own blood if you had done your job and helped me through my problem!

SAMANTHA You shouldn’t have called me in the first place!

TED Well you smell!

CHRISTIE Ted, stop it. Is this really how you want to die? TED I keep telling you, no!

SAMANTHA Taco Bell would like to extend its apologies to your family for any inconveniences your death may bring about. We’ll be sending your closest family members coupons for one free Nacho Slammer – “Not Cho” Average Sports Drink! – of their choice available in guacamole, extra bean, and blue raspberry.

TED I suppose it was all worth it then. (TED slumps onto the ground. CHRISTIE walks offstage eating the turkey leg. SAMANTHA returns to her desk.)

SAMANTHA Thank you for calling the Taco Bell Customer Comment Line where we’re hungry to talk to you. This is Samantha, how can I be of service today?

END SCENE