• Abstract and Figures
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FADE IN.

EXT. DENSE FOREST – NIGHT.

Douglas fir and cedar trees silhouette a full moon. CRICKETS. FOOTSTEPS in gravel. BEN, a late-teen boy, crouches. He wears black clothing from head to toe.

BEN Come on.

Ben checks to see that the coast is clear, then waves on four more black-clad TEENS--EDDIE, ALEC, JARED, and NICK. They survey a house in the clearing. They nod in agreement.

One of the teens, Eddie, flanks a window and looks in. He gives a thumbs-up. Nick missteps on the gravel, cringes at the mistake, and GASPS. The teens freeze.

After a moment, they resume. Alec scurries to Ben with a backpack. They make sure no one is watching, then open it. Inside is a bag of flour, a bottle of vegetable oil, a can of Crisco, and rolls of toilet paper. Alec hands supplies to Ben, who distributes them to other teens. He points them to locations as if directing a military operation.

Eddie goes to BEN. They exchange a smirk and a nod. Eddie grabs a roll of toilet paper.

JARED goes to a car in the driveway. He opens the vegetable oil and pours it over the hood. NICK opens the bag of flour and flings it across the car. Alec and Eddie hurl toilet paper over the house and trees.

Toilet paper flies through the night sky.

Ben pulls a business card from his pocket. The card reads, “Have a nice day. Love, the Bastards.” He uses a glob of Crisco to attach it to the window.

A dog BARKS. Lights go on. The teens freeze.

HOMEOWNER (VO) Who's out there?

Nick, half-panicked, is laughing. BEN (harsh whisper) Shut up!

BARKING intensifies.

HOMEOWNER (VO) Damn it. It’s those kids again.

BEN Shit! Game off!

HOMEOWNER (VO) I’m calling the police!

The boys leap from their hiding spots and run. They laugh but never drop below a sprint. Eddie turns and throws his last roll of TP.

At a fence, each jumps it or scurries under, then leaps into the back of a truck. Eddie starts the truck quickly. They peel out, whooping and hollering.

The dog is still BARKING as the truck speeds away, the group of them laughing and cheering.

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

TITLE OVER: Spring 1992.

Ben, Alec, Jared, Nick, and Eddie laugh, eating lunch at a cafeteria table. BUDDY slams down his tray.

BUDDY It took me five hours on Sunday to clean up after you fuckers!

EDDIE What do you mean?

NICK Clean up after us?

JARED You must be confused. BUDDY Knock it off. I know it was you guys. Everyone knows it’s you guys who do this shit. Everyone knows you guys are the Bastards.

The boys at the table look around innocently.

BEN The Bastards? Did something happen to your house?

BUDDY Yes, something happened to my house!

ALEC That sucks, dude. The Bastards got my house last week. My parents were seriously pissed.

BUDDY Whatever. Just don’t be surprised when you get yours.

Buddy storms away.

ALEC Is it just me, or is Buddy there getting smarter?

BEN It’s just you.

NICK Have you guys noticed they changed the burritos or something?

EDDIE Have you guys noticed that Jenny Johansen’s ass gets nicer every day?

ALEC Not that anyone will ever do anything about it.

BEN Yeah, she goes to Faith Unity out on the island. Nobody will get to touch her till she’s married.

JARED Cries of a bitter man. Things not going well with Amy?

BEN Fuck you.

NICK Seriously. The burritos are different.

ALEC Look, Fucknut, the burritos are exactly the same. The same as they’ve been for 12 years.

NICK No, it tastes different. I can’t believe they changed it. I’m going to go get a corndog instead. (beat) DON’T touch my stuff.

The guys casually agree that they won’t. Once Nick is gone, they look at each other.

EDDIE We’re not going to touch Fucknut’s stuff, are we?

ALEC Certainly not.

As one, the boys mess with his stuff. They pull his duffle bag from the ground, place a pile of food inside, and zip the bag shut. Eddie, not sated, unzips it, pours some milk into the mix, and re-zips the bag.

ALEC Very nice.

BEN You guys know what I spent last night doing? ALEC Jerking off?

BEN Yeah, thinking of your mom the whole time, Alec. No, I was listening to the new Metallica album. It rules.

EDDIE Yeah, Enter Sandman kicks ass.

JARED Oh, my God. The senior party.

ALEC Not the senior party again. (imitating Jared) Every year, they do the same stupid senior party in the gym.

BEN (imitating Jared) But as long as I, Jared Hendricks, am president of Stanwood High School’s class of ‘92, we will fundraise and fundraise, so that our class can do something different.

JARED Guys. What if instead of the senior party, we organize a class trip to the Metallica concert in June?

They stop making fun of him.

BEN Do you think you can make that happen?

JARED We’ve raised 10 times more than any class ever. I can schedule a meeting with DiFiore and run it past him.

EDDIE That’d be sweet.

ALEC Seriously.

Nick returns, corndog in hand. He sees his bag, unzips it, and views his food inside.

NICK You guys are such bastards.

BEN Gotta go.

ALEC Yup. English class calls.

EDDIE Have a nice day. Fucknut.

Nick is not amused.

MR. HANSON (VO) So the boys had their own society.

INT. ENGLISH CLASS – DAY

MR. HANSON, the English teacher, is lecturing while pacing. He’s in his fifties, poorly groomed, and tired-looking. Students around him doze off.

MR. HANSON Given that the society they grew up in didn’t really apply to them now, they start to make their own rules. Now, there’s a lot of symbolism going on here, almost to the point of allegory.

Hanson taps on the desk of a sleeping student.

HANSON Who can name an object that represents an aspect of society?

Hanson stops at Alec’s desk. Alec is doodling phrases like “BORING” and “JENNY’S ASS RULES!” on his paper.

HANSON Mr. O’Donnell? ALEC Uh…

HANSON An object that represents an aspect of society?

ALEC Hmmm… aspect of society, eh?

HANSON Mr. O’Donnell, did you even read Lord of the Flies?

ALEC Ummm… Lord of the Flies…

HANSON Great, Mr. O’Donnell. Just great. Miss Holdridge?

STUDENT The glasses?

HANSON The glasses. Good.

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Behind his desk sits, as indicated by his name plate, MR. ARNOLD HEIDELBERG, a pudgy man in his forties with a comb-over. The walls sport inspirational posters, plaques, and kitsch. Alec sits opposite of Heidelberg.

HEIDELBERG OK, so this is just a standard check that we do with all graduating seniors. We just want to make sure that you’re all set, and to remind you that the deadlines are approaching to apply for college.

ALEC Umm, OK.

HEIDELBERG OK! Well, looks like you’ve got everything you need… took your year and a half of math already… got your year of science… gym requirement out of the way… Have you had keyboarding?

ALEC I’m taking it this quarter.

HEIDELBERG Oh, yes, I see. You have keyboarding, English, woodshop, metalshop, T.A. period… What’s your sixth class?

ALEC Study hall.

HEIDELBERG Ah, yes. Well, that all looks great. So then, Alec, let’s take a moment to speak about your plans for your future. Are you thinking about college?

ALEC I’m not sure.

HEIDELBERG OK. Yes. Well, just be aware that the deadline to apply at the University of Washington is next week.

ALEC Right. Well, I’m thinking that if I do… go the college route, I’d probably put it off for a year first.

HEIDELBERG OK, yes, and yes that’s valid, too. Yes, and college isn’t for everyone, either. Don’t be afraid of thinking about trade school.

ALEC Trade school.

HEIDELBERG Yes, and there are some very good trade schools in this area, too.

ALEC I don’t know.

HEIDELBERG Yes, like Mt. Vernon, great welding certificate program. Put some of those shop skills into play. There’s good money in that, especially if you learn the underwater stuff. And Everett has a program in Forest Managem—

ALEC I was actually looking for something that would get me… out… of this… area.

Heidelberg gives a knowing, smile. He leans back.

HEIDELBERG OK, yes, I suppose I can understand that. You’re young. You want to see the world.

ALEC Right. I don’t necessarily feel like I have to have a plan right now.

HEIDELBERG You want to travel.

ALEC Exactly.

HEIDELBERG OK, then I have a brochure for you.

Heidelberg hands him a pamphlet, the cover of which shows a man giving a thumbs-up next to a big rig. The headline reads “GET ON THE ROAD TO YOUR FUTURE”.

ALEC Truck driving?

HEIDELBERG Yes! And a solid career choice, too. AND, plenty of travel opportunity. As a matter of fact, my brother works as a truck driver. He hauls timber back and forth all the way to Seattle nearly every day. Sometimes Portland.

ALEC I don’t think that’s what I meant.

HEIDELBERG Yes, and he likes it quite a bit. Bought his own truck by age 23. Just steer clear of the methamphetamines. He does a lot of amphetamines. That and he sleeps with whores. Try not to sleep with whores.

Alec is perplexed.

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY

PRINCIPAL DIFIORE, a stressed-out little man, reads a spreadsheet while Jared, in “Stanwood Key Club” shirt, talks across the desk.

JARED It’s the kind of thing that will be very positive for the school. Give that last social activity a focus.

DiFIORE While I appreciate what you are trying to do, there are just too many variables. You’d need chaperones, driver salary, insurance for the bus.

JARED Right, and if you go to the back page, you can see I figured those things into the budget.

DiFIORE Then there’s fuel, insurance.

JARED It’s in there. DiFIORE Permission waivers…

JARED We’ll take care of that.

DiFIORE Metallica, huh?

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

HEIDELBERG Calculus, AP English, Journalism, Spanish III, Computer Science… and AP Physics. (puzzled) I didn’t think we offered AP Physics.

JARED You don’t. I worked it out with Mr. Riley as independent study.

HEIDELBERG Right.

JARED And, remember, I’m only going to stay in Spanish III if I get accepted into Stanford, since that will fulfill their language requirement. But if I wind up going to Princeton--

HEIDELBERG Yes, OK. Well, these sessions are really just to make sure you have everything you need to graduate, which you certainly do, and to make sure you’re aware that the deadline to apply to college is coming up.

JARED But the deadline was back in December.

HEIDELBERG Oh. Yes. I meant for. State schools.

JARED Oh. (beat) Do you think Princeton would look upon it negatively, me switching out of Spanish III? I mean, it would be to get more science, but I don’t want it to look like I’m not committed to what I start.

Heidelberg doesn’t know what to say.

INT. LOCKER BAY – DAY

Ben and Alec at lockers. Jared catches up with them.

JARED Guys.

ALEC Hey.

BEN You just have your meeting with Arnie?

JARED Yeah, best one yet. I think he finally caught on that he should put my file in the college-bound stack. He didn’t even try to sign me up for metalshop this time.

ALEC Fuck you. I’m in metalshop.

JARED You have yours?

ALEC This morning.

JARED So, you guys up for a little mission tonight? Dean’s throwing a party out at the Graffiti Barn.

ALEC Sweet. I’m in. JARED High degree of difficulty. Only one way in. Plenty of potential witnesses. Benny?

BEN I can’t. Been promising Amy I’d spend more time with her.

Alec makes whip-snapping noise.

JARED Brutal. Well, you guys are doing the car wash next weekend, right?

ALEC Dude, no more fundraising.

JARED (holding out a carrot) Metallica.

BEN They’re never gonna let us do that.

JARED Met with DiFiore today. He hasn’t said no yet. Come on. See, Amy signed up for the carwash already, so you might as well be there. (baby talk) You already know that your girliefriend says it’s OK if you go.

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Ben is with Arnie.

HEIDELBERG Science, math, keyboarding… OK looks like you’re good to go.

BEN Great!

HEIDELBERG Yes! And, you said you were applying to Seattle Pacific?

BEN Right. Well, that’s what Amy wants me to do. So I’ll be close to her. But my mom says I should go to UCLA, cuz that’s where she went. And Jared thinks I should try to get into UC Berkeley, because then we could hang out together in California.

HEIDELBERG Yes. OK. So… what do you want?

BEN I… I don’t really know.

HEIDELBERG Well, you can do anything you set your mind to. Why, we’ve had Stanwood High School students move on to all kinds of great opportunities.

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – MONTAGE

Face of a student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Physical therapy.

Face of another student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Veterinary medicine.

Face of another student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Teaching. Face of another student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Receptionist.

DEAN, a letterman, is in the office.

HEIDELBERG (VO) University of Washington.

Face of another student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Trade school.

Face of another student.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Trade school.

AMY, Ben’s girlfriend, is in the chair. She has horribly hair sprayed bangs and wears too much makeup.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Cosmetology.

Eddie is at the chair.

HEIDELBERG (VO) Truck driving.

Nick is in the chair.

HEIDELBERG Arc welding. Or… truck driving. But just mind you stay away from the amphetamines and the whores. INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Sarah is in the chair.

HEIDELBERG OK, and we’ll get you into keyboarding, and drama you said?

SARAH Yes, please.

HEIDELBERG Yes. That should take care of you.

He signs a slip of paper.

Just give this to your teachers for the first day. Welcome to Stanwood.

SARAH (standing) Great. Thanks very much.

HEIDELBERG Oh, and Sarah.

SARAH Yes?

HEIDELBERG Adjusting to a new school during the last quarter of your senior year is sure to be tough. If you ever need anything, you know where my office is.

SARAH OK, thanks.

HEIDELBERG Just remember, (taps poster reading) The road to success is often under construction.

SARAH Right. INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL/OUTSIDE ARNIE’S DOOR – DAY

BELL. Sarah is leaving Arnie’s office. Kids fill the lounge. Sarah pushes through, finally bumping into DEAN, a letterman, causing him to spill his Coke.

SARAH Oh my god, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

DEAN Hey, no problem. Sarah, right?

SARAH Yeah.

DEAN I’m Dean. Welcome to, uh, Stanwood and stuff. Thriving metropolis.

SARAH Seems nice so far. Quiet.

DEAN It’s sure is. But there is something fun going on this weekend. Some friends of mine are having a party out at the Graffiti Barn. You should go.

SARAH Oh, maybe.

DEAN We’re gonna get some kegs, and … you should go. It’ll be fun and you’ll meet people.

BELL. A few straggling students take off running.

DEAN Well, gotta go. (backing away) See you Saturday night …

EXT. BY THE GRAFFITI BARN – NIGHT Camaros and pick-ups circle a clearing where a group of teens is gathered, most drinking cheap beer.

JEREMIAH wears a flannel shirt, jeans, large belt buckle. He sports an orange, deer-huntin’ baseball cap. He and two similarly dressed friends are talking. All are slightly intoxicated, leaning on a Chevy Nova.

Friend #2, suddenly feisty, throws his empty beer can to the ground and squares off against Friend #1.

FRIEND #1 Race ya.

FRIEND #2 You’re on!

They each grab a can of Rainier beer off the top of the Chevy Nova, pull jackknives from their pockets, and have a race shotgunning their beverages. Friend #1 wins, and whoops about it. Jeremiah is unimpressed.

JEREMIAH Is that all you guys got?

He reaches into the driver’s window, grabbing half a six-pack of Olympia beer. He gets a beer bong from the back seat, and looks at his friends.

FRIEND #1 No way.

JEREMIAH Hold this.

Jeremiah kneels and his friends fill the funnel.

A young woman with huge, hair-sprayed bangs makes out against a tree with a baseball player.

Two pale women in all black and white stand together, apart from the rest, sipping at their beers.

GOTH CHICK #1 These people are so lame. I don’t know why we even go to these parties.

GOTH CHICK #2 Seriously.

GOTH CHICK #1 You’d think they’d have something better to do with their Friday nights.

GOTH CHICK #2 Seriously.

GOTH CHICK #1 I’m gonna get another beer. Want one?

GOTH CHICK #2 Yeah, totally.

Sarah, just arriving, walks through the party. A group of popular girls is drunk nearby. Sarah passes two awkward boys debating.

AWKWARD BOY #1 But if that’s what the Lord has planned for you, then you need to open yourself to that.

DEAN Sarah!

Sarah smiles and walks over to the keg, where Dean is standing next to Buddy. Both of the guys are smashed.

DEAN Glad you could make it.

SARAH Yeah. Check it out. You know how to throw a party.

DEAN Hey, all it takes is an extra 20 to get the guy to look the other way on the keg. Instant party!

SARAH Right. Well, thanks for inviting me.

Buddy gives Dean the “Introduce Me!” nudge. BUDDY Buddy, this is Sarah, and this is my buddy. His name is Buddy.

SARAH Your buddy, Buddy?

BUDDY You were right, man. She’s hot.

DEAN He’s my buddy, and his name is Buddy. I never realized that before. That’s funny.

BUDDY Sarah, you want a beer?

SARAH Not right now.

DEAN Hi, I’m Dean. And this is my buddy, Buddy.

BUDDY Hey, listen, are you going to go to the tractor parade tomorrow?

SARAH I… don’t know.

BUDDY They’re going to have a float with all of us on the baseball team.

SARAH Wow.

BUDDY. OK, man. Listen, I’m going to want another beer.

DEAN OK, man.

BUDDY. OK. OK. But first I have to go puke.

DEAN You go puke.

BUDDY I’m gonna puke!

DEAN You puke, Buddy!

The two are pointing fingers at each other and yelling in each other’s faces. Buddy exits to some bushes.

DEAN Yeah, so I’m really glad you could make it.

SARAH So this is what people do for fun, eh?

DEAN I should introduce you around to everyone.

SARAH That’d be great. I haven’t had a chance to meet too many people yet.

He puts his arm around her waist, but makes no move to introduce her to anyone.

DEAN You sure I can’t get you a beer?

SARAH Maybe later.

DEAN OK. I just want to make sure that the new girl has a good time. You like to have a good time, right?

SARAH (removing his hand) You know it. BUDDY (running in) Dean-o! Dean-o! They got your car.

Buddy holds out a card reading “The Bastards”

DEAN Ah, man. Those fucks!

BUDDY They got it good, too.

Several black figures scurry in the shadows. Sarah, the only one to see them, looks on intently.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STANWOOD/MAIN STREET - DAY

A grandstand holds excited citizens. The High School marching band is finishing up a song for the main staging area. An ANNOUNCER smiles at the microphone.

ANNOUNCER Ladies and Gentlemen, Snohomish Grange #306 and Auxiliary.

Men in flannels drive by on John Deeres. One of them is holding a toddler on his lap, who waves to everyone. The men throw candy to the crowd.

BEN (melodramatic, fake crying) It’s times like this that I’m just so proud to be part of this community.

ALEC I love the smell of diesel exhaust in the morning.

ANNOUNCER (BACKGROUND) The Stanwood High School Agricultural Mechanics team!

A flatbed filled with high school students, a banner, and a cardboard cow passes. Jared, in a Stanwood track t-shirt, walks up and sits next to his friends. JARED That’s cow shit you smell.

BEN Probably on these guys’ boots.

JARED Got to love a town that pays tribute to the students who found a way to substitute cow-milking for taking any real science.

ALEC Fuck you. I took ag mech.

BEN Oh, well then you should get up there. (to the float) Hey, you guys forgot Alec! (to Alec) Come on, man, they're slowing down for you. Hop on!

ALEC Fuck off.

JARED Oh no.

BEN What?

JARED Don't make eye contact.

BEN Huh?

JARED Too late.

A 70-something PUPPETEER approaches, working the sidelines. He controls a freckled cowboy marionette.

PUPPETEER (through puppet) Hi there, kiddos! Have you been good? ALEC God this sucks.

JARED We’ve been very good, sir.

PUPPETEER (through puppet) Well then, they deserve some candy. (as self) They sure do! Here you go.

Awkward thanks from the guys.

ANNOUNCER (BACKGROUND) And now… Goats on Parade!

PUPPETEER (through puppet) Well bye bye, boys!

Awkward byes. They wait for him to be out of earshot.

BEN Yeah.

JARED Well as much fun as this is, I gotta go coordinate the pie contest.

ALEC Hey, you have fun with that.

BEN We’ll have to be extra sure to come check out that pie contest.

JARED Yeah, yeah, bite me.

Exit Jared.

ALEC Five bucks says he has an ulcer before he finishes college.

BEN Deal.

They casually shake hands in a won’t-keep-track way.

BEN Of course, he’ll be able to afford the medical bills. Which is more than we’ll be able to say. (pause) You do the college application thing yet?

ALEC Not so much.

ANNOUNCER (BACKGROUND) And now, here’s a young lady who’s udder-ly beautiful… Snohomish County Dairy Princess Jenny Johansen!

JENNY, a pretty blonde girl, smiles from a decorated float, gloved hand waving and tiara sparkling.

BEN Well… (dancing around a sore subject) Don't you think it's time you had some sort of idea. You know, about what you're doing after graduation?

ALEC Dad? Dad, I thought you were going to stay home and drink beer after beer.

BEN I just wish you’d--Oh! Check it out!

ANNOUNCER And now, the Sons of Norway hall wants to wish everyone en god dag!

With the band still audible, the Sons of Norway are led by two young boys carrying a banner between them that reads “Uff da! Sons of Norway” Behind them, a pick-up carries middle-aged men throwing candy and waving small Norwegian flags, most wearing plastic Viking helmets. A group of high-stepping women in traditional Scandinavian outfits follows, trailed by a couple of 90 year-old men in Viking helmets being pushed in wheel chairs, holding shakily onto small Norwegian Flags.

ALEC You want to get out of here?

BEN No can do.

ALEC Why not?

BEN Gotta do the obligatory wave at the girlfriend.

ANNOUNCER And now here’s the mayor of Stanwood, Mr. George Anderson, accompanied by his wife, Helen, and daughter Amy.

The Andersons ride in a classic car with the top down, waving at the crowd. Amy and Helen sport the small town version of being dressed up. Proud to be on display, Amy blows Ben a kiss.

ALEC Ah. Good to see she’s got you in your place.

Ben waves back.

BEN Don’t start.

ALEC Who me? Wouldn’t dream. Besides, you know I’m Miss Bitchy’s biggest fan.

BEN Dude…

ALEC I also really like her overly churchy mom.

BEN You’re my best, most supportive friend ever.

ALEC Hey, any friend can smile and put up with your girlfriend. It takes someone special to point out to a guy that he’s dating a nagging, whiny, manipulative freak girl who makes him miserable.

BEN Yeah, you’re the best.

ALEC Who turns him into a spineless wimp.

BEN OK…

ALEC Like a completely different guy whenever she’s around, to the point that his friends don’t even like to be with him.

BEN I get it, I get it.

ALEC So now can we go?

ANNOUNCER (BACKGROUND) And now, the Warm Beach precision lawnmower drill team!

As the mayor’s car exits, the band music fades to the canned background music of men marching in formation with lawnmowers and socks pulled up to their knees.

BEN Yeah. Let’s. EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

As Alec and Ben round the block of downtown establishments, they find Dean and Buddy in the middle of toilet-papering Alec’s Camaro.

BEN Hey, fuckface! You're busted!

Dean looks up, startled.

DEAN Shit.

ALEC What the hell do you think you're doing to my car?

DEAN It's called revenge, asshole.

BUDDY Yeah! Revenge!

BEN The hell it is. Look at this! You're doing a terrible job.

ALEC My god, is that one-ply?

BEN And look at your coverage here--you've missed the entire hood area. This will come off with one stroke of a broom.

ALEC Amateur. Get the hell out of here, Dean.

Dean acknowledges his defeat and moves to leave.

DEAN Fuck you guys.

Ben and Alec laugh off the experience, and Alec’s Camaro peels out of the parking lot. INT. FAITH UNITY CHURCH – DAY

Ben sits beside Amy, next to AMY’S MOM. AMY’S DAD is on the other side of Amy. Ben has nervously folded his program up into a strip that he’s wringing between his hands. He’s not paying attention, until Amy nudges him. Amy’s Mom frowns.

PASTOR THOMAS And so, on this glorious day, two Sundays before Easter, let us greet our neighbors with the joy in our hearts.

Congregation stands, and begins hugging and shaking hands, wishing each other peace.

AMY’S DAD Peace be with you, Bob.

BOB Peace be with you, Mayor.

AMY Peace with you, Mr. Oldervoll.

BOB And you Amy.

Ben hugs Amy. He turns to shake hands with Amy’s mom.

BEN Peace be with you, Mrs. Anderson.

AMY’S MOM Ben.

Ben shakes a few more hands, then everyone sits down. Ben is ill at ease.

PASTOR Let’s examine today from Second Corinthians 6:14, wherein we find the wisdom, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” What should we take into our lives from…

In the midst of this last droning, Ben heaves a sigh, not paying attention.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER BAY - DAY

Students in the halls between class. Jared and Sarah at their lockers. She has problems with hers.

JARED The girl who had it before you had to bang it to get it open.

She smacks her locker and it opens.

SARAH Thanks.

JARED I’m Jared. Welcome to Stanwood.

SARAH Sarah. I’ve heard of you. President of everything, right?

JARED Yeah, I guess.

SARAH So was that my official greeting on behalf of the student body and all the clubs?

JARED In the fall we make welcome baskets. Move in in the spring, all you get’s a handshake.

SARAH Gotcha.

JARED But if you have any questions, or if I can ever do anything for you… SARAH Careful what you wish for.

JARED Name it.

SARAH Seriously. I’m gonna take you up on it.

JARED I said name it.

SARAH How are you at biology?

JARED I do all right.

SARAH Well I suck. And I need it to graduate. Think you could help me out?

JARED Cafeteria after school. Tuesdays and Thursdays.

SARAH Thanks!

JARED Sure thing.

SARAH Seriously, that’ll be a big help. Thank you.

JARED It’s not a problem

SARAH I’m just not used to having someone be so nice, I guess. And I wasn’t really sure what to expect from you.

JARED What do you mean? SARAH I saw what you did to Dean’s car.

Jared goes flush

JARED Sorry?

SARAH Dean’s car. You really pissed him off.

JARED You must be confused.

SARAH I’m not going to tell anyone. Don’t worry.

JARED Hm.

SARAH Pretty gutsy to pull that off with all those people around.

JARED (pause) Not our first time.

SARAH I heard. Never been caught or seen.

JARED (can’t help smiling a bit) Like ninja.

SARAH Oh, excellent. You get drunk and tip cows afterwards?

JARED Tip cows? Just because you got stuck in farm country doesn’t mean you’re surrounded by rednecks.

SARAH Sorr-eee!

JARED First of all, drinking would make us less precise. And it may look like a group of country kids with nothing better to do than acting juvenile and putting… well, I guess that is what it is. But it’s more. It’s beauty. It’s grace. It… I can’t explain it.

SARAH Oh. Well. See I thought it was vandalism. Didn’t realize that translates to beauty and grace.

JARED I have to get to class.

SARAH Wait! I wasn’t making fun. But I mean, you’re all honors classes and community volunteering and everything, right?

JARED Yeah. So?

SARAH So, all that stuff, yet you vandalize, you trespass, and from what I hear, sometimes you break and enter? If you got caught…

JARED Do you know what people do in Stanwood for excitement?

SARAH What?

JARED They leave Stanwood.

SARAH Uh huh. JARED My friends are the ones who make something out of nothing. Now, I’m gonna be late.

SARAH I want to go with you.

JARED What?

SARAH The next time you guys do something, I want to go with you.

JARED You want us to take you on a mission? I don’t think so.

SARAH Why not?

JARED Those aren’t our colors. (referring to her designer outfit)

SARAH Shut up. Look, I haven’t picked my friends here yet, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it to be Dean and his buddy Buddy. So the way I see it, you can either take me with you, or I can write an anonymous note to the valedictorian selection committee.

JARED You… we’re going to be late to class.

SARAH Something tells me you won’t get in trouble.

BELL rings.

SARAH So am I coming with you, or what? He stares at her.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY

JARED Guys, this is Sarah.

EDDIE NICK BEN Yeah? What about it? Hi, Sarah

JARED We’re taking her on the next mission.

ALEC Mission?

BEN You must be confused.

JARED She saw us. She knows we’re the Bastards. She says she’ll turn us in unless we let her join up.

SARAH Hi guys.

JARED This is Ben…

BEN Hi.

JARED Alec…

Alec just looks at her.

JARED Eddie…

Eddie is glaring, but waves.

JARED And Nick. We call him Fucknut.

Nick talks with mouth full of burrito. NICK Dude!

JARED For obvious reasons.

NICK It’s Nick! And there is no way we’re taking her with us.

SARAH And why not?

NICK What is that, Gucci? The cheerleader table is over there!

SARAH And the special ed table is over there. Fucknut.

ALEC She’s in.

BEN Welcome.

Ben pulls a chair out for Sarah, who sits next to him.

JARED And if you’re one of us, that means you’re doing fundraising during our shift next weekend.

EDDIE Oh. My. God! Enough already!

JARED Look, we’re going to see Metallica.

AMY arrives at the table.

AMY Who’s going to Metallica?

ALEC We are. JARED The senior class. All the fundraising we’ve been doing means instead of the same lame senior party, we’re going to a concert.

Amy, almost disgusted, sits on Ben’s lap.

AMY Baby, remember next weekend is my cousin’s wedding. Did you buy a jacket yet?

BEN I’ll do it today after school.

AMY Don’t forget.

BEN I’m not going to forget.

AMY Because it’s really important.

BEN I’m not going to forget.

Sarah puts her hand on Ben’s shoulder.

SARAH Know what, I think I’m going to go shopping tonight. I need some darker clothes. Why don’t we go together?

AMY Who’s she?

BEN Amy, Sarah. Sarah, Amy.

SARAH Nice to meet you.

AMY Hi. ALEC Amy, I think your mom is calling you.

Amy just glares at Alec.

AMY (to Ben) Call me tonight.

BEN Yup.

AMY But not till after 8:30, because I have youth group.

BEN OK.

Amy kisses Ben and leaves.

SARAH She’s charming.

INT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

Ben is shooting the shit with the produce guy. The MANAGER speaks through the PA.

MANAGER Ben, customer service in the dairy department please. Ben, customer service in dairy.

BEN Gotta go.

Ben goes to dairy, where Jared and Sarah await.

JARED Hello, young man, we were wondering if you might be able to assist us.

BEN Hey, guys, what’s up?

JARED Oh, just shopping for some… supplies. We’re still on for tonight?

BEN Absolutely. I’m always up for minor vandalism. (to Sarah) You’re coming along, right?

SARAH Sure. I’m curious about what you guys find so amusing about chucking eggs at houses.

JARED Oh, poor Sarah.

BEN Sarah, have you ever watched a really good ballet?

SARAH Mmm… no.

BEN Me neither. But Barishnykov would be humbled by the art form the Bastards will show you tonight.

JARED You get your initiation tonight. Then you’ll understand. (To Ben) Can you help us out in the egg department?

BEN Hmm… Well it just so happens that this entire crate here is past its pull date.

JARED No! Someone could get sick.

BEN It looks like I’ll have to throw them all out. On the back dock. Next to the dumpster. Left side.

JARED Thanks, man. We’ll meet up at your place then?

BEN Yup. Just go right on in. My mom’s home.

SARAH Your mom’s home?

JARED Don’t worry. She’s totally cool.

EXT. BEN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Ben’s car pulls up. He has groceries.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Ben enters to find Eddie, Nick, and Alec watching TV in his living room. BEN’S MOM is in the kitchen.

BEN (calling) I’m home, mom.

BEN’S MOM (VO) Hi Honey. There’s some snacks on the table.

BEN Thanks, Mom.

Ben scarfs Fritos.

BEN What are you guys watching?

NICK Python.

BEN Holy Grail?

EDDIE Life of Brian.

BEN Cool.

ALEC You bring some supplies?

BEN But of course.

Ben pushes the snacks aside and empties his bag. Flour. Crisco. Batteries. 24-pack of TP.

NICK Damn! Looks like we’re covered.

BEN Except the eggs. Sarah and Jared are bringing those.

ALEC Where are they, anyway?

BEN I don’t know; they were supposed to be here by now.

EDDIE Well, they’d better show up. Otherwise, we’re nailing them tomorrow night.

NICK That’d be awesome.

BEN Look, just try and be mellow tonight. It’s Sarah’s initiation.

ALEC Anybody else concerned that we don’t know this girl very well? BEN I trust her.

Jared and Sarah arrive.

JARED Hello, gentlemen. You all know Sarah, of course.

Hello from all, and back from Sarah.

BEN Welcome to casa de Walsh. Make yourself at home.

JARED Whiteboard?

Ben goes to a hallway and gets a whiteboard, which he gives to Jared. Ben’s Mom enters.

BEN’S MOM Hi, Jared! I thought I heard somebody at the door. And you must be Sarah. I’m Cathy, nice to meet you.

SARAH Hi.

BEN’S MOM Would you two like a snack, or something to drink?

SARAH Oh, thanks. Jared and I just ate.

BEN’S MOM OK. You going out like that, then?

SARAH Like what? I’m in all black.

JARED Your hair is exposed.

SARAH We’re supposed to cover our heads, too? In two seconds, every male in the room has a black ski-mask, ninja headdress, or turban on.

SARAH I see.

BEN’S MOM Ben has some old t-shirts upstairs, why don’t I get you fixed up.

JARED All right. While they’re doing that, I’ll draw us a map. We’ll fill you in later, Sarah.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE/BEN’S ROOM – NIGHT

Cathy flips the light on, and then goes through Ben’s dresser, searching for something black.

SARAH You really don’t have to bother…

BEN’S MOM Oh, it’s no bother. Here’s something!

She’s holding up a black t-shirt with an angry red dragon on it. Sarah doesn’t know what to make of it.

BEN’S MOM From his Dungeons and Dragons days.

Sarah smiles. Cathy starts wrapping the fabric around Sarah’s head, covering everything but her eyes.

SARAH So… you know about what these guys do at night?

BEN’S MOM Harmless fun. At least this way I know Benny’s not out drinking. How’d they get you to come along?

SARAH It was sorta my idea. BEN’S MOM Really? Well, you couldn’t get me to find much entertainment in sneaking around wrecking things, but Ben talks about whatever it is they do as if it’s the greatest way possible to spend a night. There! You’re all set.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

JARED So, relatively simple. But focus; you’ll all remember the fiasco two weeks ago.

EDDIE That was totally Nick’s fault. He woke up the dog.

NICK Fuck off!

BEN’S MOM Nicolas.

NICK Sorry, Ms. Walsh.

BEN Blame aside, it was still a failed mission. There were empty trees when we left. And rolls of TP on the ground, wasted.

ALEC That won’t happen tonight.

JARED All right. Let’s get to it.

Eddie, Nick, Alec, and Jared file out the door. Ben is on his way out.

BEN’S MOM Hey! Forgetting something?

BEN Sorry, mom.

He pulls up his ski mask and kisses her on the cheek.

BEN I should be home around 2.

BEN’S MOM Be good.

Sarah observes this interaction.

INT. ALEC’S 1970’S VAN – NIGHT

Alec is driving with Ben at shotgun. Jared and Sarah sit middle seat, with Nick and Eddie in the back.

SARAH So why are we getting this girl’s house?

ALEC She kept on asking annoying questions in history. Plus, she has a nice ass.

SARAH Uh huh.

BEN It makes perfect sense.

SARAH What about me? Do I have a nice ass? Should I worry about my house?

JARED You shouldn’t worry about your house.

BEN You’re one of us now. The bastards don’t hit other bastards.

JARED But yeah, nice ass.

SARAH And to think, none of you have girlfriends.

NICK Ben does.

EDDIE Though, we use that term loosely.

JARED Plus, Jenny’s family is out of town for the weekend. By the time they get back, things should be nice and smelly.

ALEC OK, folks, this is it.

He parks the car. Teens are climbing out.

EXT. SIDE OF A COUNTRY ROAD – NIGHT

SARAH But we’re out in the middle of the road.

ALEC Can’t park too close to the target.

JARED OK, let’s do groups of two. Ben and Alec, you take the driveway and get the trees.

ALEC Got it.

JARED Fucknut and Eddie do the eggs. Sarah and I Crisco the car. If anything goes wrong, then plan B is scatter and meet back at the van.

ALEC All right. Everyone strikes at 1 a.m., and we are all out by 1:05.

All members nod, take their supplies, and split up. EXT. JENNY’S YARD – NIGHT

Alec and Ben hide in the trees along the driveway, Ben checks his watch.

BEN So what do you think of this new girl?

ALEC Seems cool.

BEN Yeah. Definitely. Kinda weird.

ALEC Dunno. She’s a city girl. I think all city girls are a little weird.

BEN Nice ass, though.

ALEC Very nice ass.

BEN Did it seem to you like she and Jared were hitting it off?

ALEC I wasn’t really paying attention. It’s one.

BEN Yawp.

The two stand simultaneously and start covering the trees from base to top with toilet paper.

JENNY’S BACK YARD – NIGHT

Eddie kneels next to the crate, dishing egg after egg to Nick, who shoots each like a basketball. They land square in the chimney.

EXT. JENNY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT Sarah and Jared whisper, hands in plastic gloves, as they Crisco a car.

SARAH And why Crisco?

JARED Does no damage to the car, but takes forever to get off. Water doesn’t help. Soap doesn’t help.

SARAH Gotcha.

JARED Flour and water mixed together works well, too.

SARAH You know what would suck?

JARED What?

SARAH To spend all that time scrubbing your car, finally get it clean, and then when you get in …

She puts a glob of Crisco under the door handle.

SARAH To get it all over your hands again.

JARED Nice.

INT. ALEC’S 1970s VAN –NIGHT

Eddie, Nick, Alec, and Ben wait in the van. Alec has the key in the ignition.

BEN I think I see them coming. Get ready to step on it.

Jared and Sarah, open the van door, laughing. BEN You get the car?

JARED We got it all right.

The two jump in. Alec starts the van, slams on the gas. Jared and Sarah are thrown out of their seats. They land on each other, and roll up in a ball of laughter as the crew speeds away.

EDDIE And there should be a nice sulfur smell coming from the fireplace on Monday.

BEN We’re successful on all counts, then.

EDDIE We done good.

SARAH What a rush! While we were hitting the car, I could see toilet paper flying on one side, and eggs arching over the roof on the other. It was beautiful. Even if some of us had been caught, we still would have done major damage.

JARED So, you’re starting to understand.

SARAH This is nice.

JARED I told you.

SARAH Yeah, but I didn’t, you know, believe you. It was so precise, yet reckless.

JARED That was nothing. Wait till we tell you about the FINAL Mission. ALEC So tonight was a total victory?

All agree that it was.

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

The cafeteria is empty except for Jared and Sarah studying at the lunch table.

JARED Causes red tide?

SARAH Dinoflagellates.

JARED Good. The species of blue-green algae most prevalent in area lakes…

SARAH Your mom?

JARED Be serious.

SARAH I am serious. Your mom is very prevalent.

JARED Bite me.

SARAH Careful what you wish for.

JARED You should be so lucky. Name the algae.

SARAH Aphanizomena.

JARED Correct. See, you’re going to ace this test.

SARAH Thanks to you.

JARED You just needed some prodding. So how come biology? Most people get through this in their freshman year.

SARAH Yeah, well, I’ve never been a most people kind of girl.

JARED Didn’t feel like doing it earlier?

SARAH No, just never had a chance to finish it. My dad’s a big career guy. He gets transferred or switches companies, or whatever. And lucky me, that means I bounce from school to school.

JARED Really, how many schools have you been to?

SARAH Total, or just high school?

JARED Total.

SARAH I don’t know. Thirteen?

JARED Your mom must hate that! What does she do?

SARAH Sleeps around, gets shit-faced and embarrasses me, that sort of thing.

JARED Man. Sorry.

SARAH It’s cool. I actually don’t know my mom that well. She and my dad got divorced before I was even old enough to remember. The courts gave my dad custody, if that tells you anything about her.

JARED But your dad’s cool?

SARAH Yeah. I mean, I know he loves me, but sometimes he can only show it with a gold card. (hand flourish) Thus the clothes! What about your family?

JARED They’re good. Amazing, if I really think about it. I’m lucky.

SARAH It’s good that you know what you have. Cool family. Cool friends.

JARED I guess.

SARAH They’re all really excellent, your group. First-class, you know? It’s been awesome coming to this school and hanging out with people like, well, you Bastards.

JARED Yeah. I’m just not that tight with all of them, is all.

SARAH Ha! How long have you known each other?

JARED Since kindergarten, most of us. Well, Nick moved here in like third grade. SARAH See! And, I mean, just the fact that you would help me out with biology like this. It’s really nice.

JARED Well, it’s no big deal. Besides, I like spending time with you.

SARAH Thanks.

JARED Except, I’m afraid time’s up.

SARAH What, gotta go cure cancer? Write a symphony?

JARED Got two more people to tutor.

SARAH And I was starting to feel special.

JARED You are. But I spend too much time with you, and Jenny Johansen doesn’t pass trig.

INT. MR. HANSON’S CLASSROOM – DAY

Mr. Hanson sits at his desk, reading. His class is quiet, taking a quiz. The BELL rings.

MR. HANSON All right, that about wraps things up. Please put your papers in the box, and have a nice weekend.

Sounds of CHAIRS SCRAPING the tile floor and FEET SHUFFLING as the students leave. All leave but Alec, who sits in the back, paper still on his desk.

MR. HANSON Time’s up, Mr. O’Donnel. ALEC Huh?

MR. HANSON Turn your test in and go enjoy your weekend!

ALEC Oh…

MR. HANSON Is there a problem?

ALEC Well, I didn’t really answer any of the questions.

Mr. Hanson sighs, stands, and goes to Alec’s desk.

MR. HANSON Nothing? You didn’t write anything at all?

ALEC Well, I do have this picture of a Pinto here, and I drew some boobs in the lower corner…

MR. HANSON Alec, this is going to put you solidly flunking this class. How am I supposed to pass you if you if you keep failing tests?

ALEC I can see your dilemma, Mr. Hanson.

MR. HANSON Alec. I know you probably have a lot of other things going on…

ALEC It’s not that…

MR. HANSON Did you even read The Scarlet Letter? ALEC Define “read”…

MR. HANSON Alec…

ALEC I started to, but it’s just so… I don’t know. I kept falling asleep.

Hanson looks into Alec. He turns to his desk.

MR. HANSON All right, Alec. I’ll make you a deal. I’m going to give you a book. You turn in a ten-page report by the 30th, and I’ll let that grade stand in place of this quiz.

ALEC Ten pages!

Hanson nods. He reaches into his drawer and gets a ratty book, which he then slaps on Alec’s desk on top of the quiz. Catcher in the Rye.

MR. HANSON Ten pages. Just do me a favor. Don’t tell anyone I gave you that book. I’m not supposed to let students read it anymore.

INT. STANWOOD HIGHSCHOOL GYMNASIUM – DAY.

We are at a pep assembly. Students fill the bleachers. Jared is on the microphone on the gym floor.

JARED … first time in seventeen years that Stanwood’s baseball team has made it to the district championships, so let’s all be there tonight to show our Spartan spirit! Crowd cheers. Goth Chick #2 stands up and whoops, but Goth Chick #1 glowers at her until she stops. Dean encourages his teammates to wave to the crowd.

JARED Let me hear you Stanwood High School!

Louder cheers. Stomp-stomp-clap routine that goes with “We Will Rock You”. The Bastards sit together.

ALEC He seems like such a perfectly good bastard, normally.

BEN My theory is he finds the cheesiness of it all really ironic. And he just has a higher tolerance for irony than the rest of us.

SARAH Why do you guys have to pick on him, just because he has something he likes to do?

BEN I… didn’t mean…

JARED All right! So I’m going to hand it over now to our counselor, Mr. Heidelberg. Mr. Heidelberg?

Heidelberg takes the mic. Someone shouts “Yeah Arnie!”

HEIDELBERG Yes, thank you, I just wanted to make a few quick announcements. So, OK, yes, seniors. Make sure you bring your cap and gown registration forms to my office by this Friday. Also, since there were so many of you who were interested, we’ve managed to get a representative from the Sedro Wooley school of truck driving to come and give a presentation. I would certainly encourage you, yes and I know I’ve talked with a lot of you who are interested in this, uh, to come and visit that seminar. Yes, and it will be next Tuesday right after school.

Someone yells “make it during school!”

HEIDELBERG (Not noticing) Yes, so, I want to encourage you all to come to this wonderful presentation. It really is a career that many of you will want to consider. Yes, I know I’ve mentioned to a lot of you that, actually, uh, my brother does a lot of truck driving. So I can tell you from personal experience that it’s an exciting field. And really, I’m not just talking about all the prostitutes. Yes, there are a lot of other exciting--what? Oh. It looks like Principal DiFiore has some announcements, too.

DiFiore attempts to claim the microphone, but Heidelberg is still trying to finish his thought, getting in a few words at a time.

HEIDELBERG So please remember, yes, uh, maybe you can ask about the whores,

ALEC I love Arnie. He’s my favorite.

HEIDELBERG Uh, yes, the whores, next week on--

DiFIORE OK, Mr. Heidelberg. Thank you. Great. Students, I want to introduce a guest speaker today. As you know, the senior prom is coming up. At this time in your young lives, you will be given over to certain… temptations, and so on that subject we’ve invited Pastor Thomas from Faith Unity out on the island. Pastor Thomas?

Our heroes are speechless.

ALEC Are they serious?

BEN They invited a reverend?

AMY Shush! Pastor Thomas is the coolest!

Ben just looks at her, horrified.

PASTOR THOMAS Hello everybody. It’s a pleasure to be here on such a beautiful spring day, and to see so many smiling young faces. The reason I’m here with you is to discuss the important of abstinence in your young lives.

The Goth Chicks sit with their mouths wide open.

GOTH CHICK #2 Can they do this?

GOTH CHICK #1 Gawd I hate this town.

PASTOR THOMAS In the book of Revelations, we encounter a young woman who refuses to repent for her fornicating ways. Now, we have all been given certain urges, and for a reason, but until you’re older, and until you have been wed in the sight of the Lord, it’s important for you to resist those urges.

INT. MAYOR’S MANSION (AMY’S HOUSE)/LIVING ROOM - DAY

Ben and Amy making out. She’s moaning slightly.

AMY Mmm.

BEN Your parents. Shouldn’t, we…

AMY Ben. Ben, what’s wrong with this picture?

BEN What? What’s wrong, are you OK?

AMY I’m OK. Except that I’m still wearing a shirt.

Ben smiles a flirty smile. He pulls her shirt over her head and starts kissing her neck. He cups a breast and goes back to kissing her.

AMY Ben, don’t stop there.

BEN What?

Amy just smiles and looks down. Ben catches on, and unzips her pants. He goes back to kissing her neck, sliding his hand down the back of her pants.

AMY Mmm, Ben. Ben. Ben, stop.

BEN What?

AMY It’s too far.

BEN You just said --

AMY I don’t want to.

BEN Amy, not again. AMY I’m not like that.

BEN Amy, I’m OK if we don’t do stuff, I just wish you would—

Enter Amy’s parents, Dad in front.

AMY’S DAD Oh my God!

Amy pulls up her pants and grabs at her shirt

AMY Oh my God!

Amy’s Mom has now entered the room. She freezes, mouth open, and drops her purse.

AMY’S MOM What --

AMY Mom, Dad… It’s not… we…

BEN (nothing else to say) Mayor. Mrs. Anderson

AMY’S DAD (To Ben) Get out.

AMY It was… He wanted to…

BEN What?

AMY’S DAD Out.

Betrayed, Ben leaves.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE/BEDROOM – DAY Ben lies on his bed in disturbed contemplation, listening to “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police. The PHONE rings in the background. Mrs. Walsh knocks on the door as she opens it.

BEN’S MOM Ben?

BEN What?

BEN’S MOM It’s Amy.

Resigned and annoyed, Ben takes the phone. There are long pauses between his short answers.

BEN Hi. Right. I know, babe, but—

INT. BEN’S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM – DAY

Ben’s Mom is thumbing through a copy of Reader’s Digest on the sofa when Ben emerges from his room.

BEN’S MOM Wow, have you been talking to Amy all this time?

BEN Yeah. I sorta broke up with her.

BEN’S MOM Oh, my. You wanna talk about it?

BEN Not really. I think I’ll just get some air.

BEN’S MOM OK. You know if you need…

BEN I know, Mom.

EXT. BACK ROAD – DAY Ben’s Camaro speeds along.

INT. BEN’S CAR – DAY

Ben digs in glove box till he finds a tape, then shoves it in the tape deck. “King of Pain” by The Police fills the car. Ben puts his foot to the floor.

EXT. BACK ROAD – DAY

The Camaro cruises down the road.

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

Ben and Alec are at the gang’s usual table, eating. Alec has a book out. Nick and Eddie run in, excited about something, dumping off their bags at the table.

NICK Is it true? Is it?

ALEC Is what true?

EDDIE Ben. Did you break up with Amy?

BEN Oh. Yeah, yesterday.

Nick and Eddie high-five, then dance and chest-bump in dorky celebration. Sarah and Jared enter with trays.

JARED What’s going on?

NICK Ben broke up with Amy.

JARED Serious?

Sarah processes this information. Everyone sits.

NICK All right, I’m going to get my burrito. (pointing both fingers) Nice job, Benny!

JARED It’ll be nice to have you around more. (to Alec) What’s up with this?

ALEC It’s a book. You should read it.

JARED I have, but since when do you read?

ALEC How about you read… between the lines.

Alec makes the accompanying three-finger gesture.

EDDIE So Ben, this means you can spend time with us on the big master plan for the Final Mission.

BEN Yeah, I can totally help with that. You guys have any ideas so far?

Nick comes back, burrito and chocolate milk in hand.

NICK Do we have ideas? Do we have ideas?

EDDIE It’s going to be big. A Final Mission that will burn the name of the Bastards into Stanwood’s history books.

NICK It’s going to be really big. Really ballsy.

EDDIE Requiring skill and planning.

BEN You guys don’t have a single idea do you?

EDDIE Not a one.

NICK Drawing a blank here, Benny.

JARED That’s great, guys. Good stuff.

INT. GROCERY STORE – EVENING

Ben, in stocking cap, heavy gloves, and a parka, pushes a cart of ice cream out of the freezer room.

EXT. GROCERY STORE – EVENING

Sarah parks her car, gets out, and enters the store.

INT. GROCERY STORE – EVENING

Ben cuts open boxes of ice cream and begins throwing them in the freezer case on the sales floor. He then bends over the case to arrange the ice cream. Sarah seizes the opportunity to goose him.

SARAH Nice hat.

Ben shoots up, knocking his head on the shelf above him and sending boxes of waffle cones tumbling down. Realizing it’s her, he tries to regain his composure.

SARAH Oh! Ben, are you OK? I’m sorry, I was just joking around.

BEN Hey, Sarah. Yeah, I’m fine.

SARAH

Ben removes his gloves and hat.

BEN Whatcha up to?

SARAH Oh, I just thought I’d stop in to say hello. Are you going over to Eddie’s later for SNL night?

BEN Weekly tradition, can’t miss it. I’m heading over as soon as I’m off work. You?

SARAH Yeah, I’ll be there. I have to swing by and pick up Jared first, though. His dad took the Pinto, so he needs a lift.

BEN Oh.

SARAH Hey Ben, you’re not going to the prom with Amy, are you?

BEN Uh, no, not now. We broke up last weekend.

SARAH Right. You asked anybody else?

BEN Nah, who would I ask?

SARAH Well, what if you and I went together?

BEN Excuse me?

SARAH The prom. You and me.

BEN Like, you mean, umm… SARAH Ben?

BEN Um, that’s really sweet of you, Sarah, but I’ll be fine.

SARAH No, I—

BEN There’s lots of guys you could go with, you don’t have to do this.

SARAH Are you turning me down?

BEN Sarah, thanks for asking. Sincerely. It means a lot.

SARAH But…

BEN You should go with someone you can, you know, like someone you… so it can be romantic.

SARAH Fine. Fine. OK. Uh, look, I’m late to pick up Jared already, so maybe I should go.

BEN I’ll see you at Eddie’s then.

SARAH Yeah… sure. See you at Eddie’s. Oh, and Ben? (beat) Where’s the Crisco?

BEN Aisle six, on the left after the flour.

SARAH Thanks.

Sarah exits and Ben goes back to stacking the ice cream. Enter SARCASTIC CO-WORKER, a fellow teen, skinny, pimply, and slightly geeky.

SARCASTIC CO-WORKER Nice going with the lady. Jackass.

Co-Worker leaves. Enter Dean and Buddy, not realizing that Ben is within earshot.

BUDDY This is gonna be great.

DEAN Yeah. Let’s just find the spray paint.

BUDDY Dude! I totally can’t wait to paint Olsen’s barn next weekend. I’m gonna write “Buddy Rules” in big letters.

DEAN Clever, Buddy. Really clever. But we’re gonna do so much more than that. I told my uncle I needed to borrow his scaffolding to clean the gutters on our house, so we’ll be able to cover the whole damn barn real good.

BUDDY I can hardly wait. Hey, I just thought of something cool. Let’s get some whipped cream and do whip-its.

INT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

Ben stows his thermal gear and closes up.

EXT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

Upon reaching his car in the parking lot, he finds it covered in Crisco, flour, and toilet paper.

INT. EDDIE’S HOUSE/TV ROOM – NIGHT Ben arrives to see his friends staring blankly at the TV. He has traces of flour on his clothes.

EDDIE Hey, there, Bennie boy, we’ve been waiting for ya.

BEN Sorry. There was a little… incident at work.

Jared notices the flour on Ben’s clothes.

JARED Somebody nail your car?

BEN Uh… yeah.

EDDIE Who was it?

BEN Don’t know for sure, but a few suspects come to mind.

SARAH Hope everything cleaned up OK.

BEN Well, whoever did it was pretty damn thorough.

INTRO MUSIC from SNL sketch “Wayne’s World” is heard. People scramble for seats. The only one left for Ben is next to Sarah. He’s slightly embarrassed as he sits down next to her. Uneasy expressions.

INT. EDDIE’S HOUSE/KITCHEN – NIGHT

Ben is scavenging for food when Jared enters, the TV audible in the next room.

JARED SNL cast hasn’t been this good since the originals. BEN Oh, hey, Jared. Yeah, great “Wayne’s World.” Makes me wanna see the movie again.

JARED You OK?

BEN What? Why?

JARED You just seem… dunno, a bit off.

BEN Um, no… it’s just—

JARED Weird not being with Amy?

BEN Yeah, I guess that.

JARED Well, not that my opinion should matter any, but I’m glad you got out of that one.

BEN She had her good points.

JARED I guess. It’s her mom that scares me.

BEN Her mom?

JARED Dude, I was around late after school the other night, and Amy’s mom was in DiFiore’s office…

INT. STANWOOD HIGHSCHOOL OFFICE – EVENING

Jared photocopies flyers reading “Go Stanwood. Beat the Bulldogs.” He hears something, peers around the door, and sees Amy’s Mom berating Principal DiFiore. JARED (VOICEOVER) She’s totally wacko. It was crazy religious stuff, like straight out of Footloose. I stayed for a while, because I had some… paperwork to finish.

Jared flattens himself against the wall, giving the best vantage to eavesdrop.

JARED (VOICEOVER) She went on for almost an hour about how it isn’t appropriate for us to be reading Lord of Flies in school. Said it depicted a lack of respect for authority, and that it’s full of pagan imagery.

BEN (VOICEOVER) Um, that’s the point.

JARED (VOICEOVER) Oh, it gets worse.

Slow and dramatic as Amy’s Mom stands up to leave.

JARED (VOICEOVER) She’s on her way out, and I swear, she actually reached into her purse, pulled out a BIBLE, and left it on DiFiore’s desk!

BEN (VOICEOVER) No way!

JARED (VOICEOVER) I kid you not.

BEN (VOICEOVER) What did DiFiore do?

DiFiore smiles weakly and shows her to the door.

INT. EDDIE’S HOUSE/KITCHEN – NIGHT

BEN I’m glad he didn’t listen to her. JARED Yeah, not this time. But she’s pretty influential. And guess what church all the school board members go to.

BEN First Unity.

Jared nods.

BEN Oh, man.

JARED Every single school board member, the superintendent, the assistant superintendent. And of course Amy’s Dad is the mayor. I actually feel sorry for DiFiore sometimes.

BEN That church is fucked up.

JARED You have no idea. I’m not 100% sure about this, but I heard that last week, the youth group actually held a burning.

BEN A burning?

JARED Yeah, like a book burning. Books… Music… anything that didn’t “bring them closer to God”

BEN It’s 1992! Hello?

Jared raises his eyebrows as he tosses back on a Dr. Pepper. Pause.

BEN Hey, can I ask you something?

JARED What?

BEN You and Sarah… there anything going on there?

JARED Sarah? No. I mean, I like her; she’s really fun. But, we’re not, like, in that way. Totally just friends.

BEN You guys ever…?

JARED She’s like my sister.

BEN Ah.

JARED Why? You into her?

BEN Me? Um. No. I was… just curious is all. I think SNL’s back on.

INT. EDDIE’S HOUSE/TV ROOM – NIGHT

Ben awkwardly sits next to Sarah again. Dennis Miller gives the “Weekend Update” in the background.

EDDIE Hey guys, did we ever come up with a Final Mission?

NICK Oh! We could, um… never mind.

JARED That’s actually starting to worry me. We don’t even have an idea yet, let alone a master plan.

BEN I might have something. JARED Really? What?

BEN Old man Olsen’s barn.

EDDIE You want to paint the barn? That’s totally been done.

NICK That’s the kind of thing Dean and Buddy would do.

BEN Exactly. They were in the store tonight bragging about how they and some guys were gonna paint the barn next weekend. It was really sad. They were all proud of themselves.

EDDIE Seriously unoriginal. Seniors paint the barn like every year.

BEN Well, the baseball jocks plan to add their names to the list next weekend. Maybe we could get them somehow?

JARED Interesting. Do we know which day they’re pulling it off?

BEN Well, it’s gotta be either Friday or Saturday.

NICK Can’t be Friday. Baseball game.

JARED Excellent. So Saturday. But how do we mess with them?

Everyone is the group is drawing a blank. SARAH What if, when they went out to paint the barn… it was gone.

ALEC Gone? How do you mean?

SARAH I mean, what if the barn disappeared?

EDDIE How can we make a barn disappear? You can’t just haul it away.

JARED Yes you could.

EDDIE How?

JARED We go out there with some tools and your truck, and just take the thing apart. There’s six of us, that’s plenty of manpower.

EDDIE Can’t take my truck. I threw a rod a couple days ago. It’s out of commission.

ALEC We could use my van.

BEN Will it hold everything?

ALEC If we split the barn into each wall, and we used a lot of rope.

JARED Excellent.

BEN But what do we do with the barn once we have it? They contemplate.

JARED Reassemble on the football field?

BEN Nice!

ALEC That’s worthy.

SARAH I like.

EDDIE Oh, Cajun Man!

The group rushes back to seats, and Ben is again awkwardly forced to sit next to Sarah.

INT. ENGLISH CLASS – DAY

MR. HANSON Yes, it’s a story of tormented souls, but it’s more than that. Dante makes each person’s suffering something they create themselves.

BELL sounds

MR. HANSON OK, that’s enough for today. Next section from the outline by tomorrow, and remember… essays by this Friday.

Hanson sits at his desk as the class filters out. Alec, shy, waits. At the desk, Alec says nothing.

MR. HANSON Mr. O’Donnel. Can I help you?

Still not sure what to say, Alec just returns Hanson’s copy of Catcher in the Rye.

ALEC Do you have any more books I’m not supposed to read? Hanson smiles.

INT. STANWOOD LIBRARY – DAY

Alec runs his finger along books on a shelf. Not seeing what he wants, he flags down a librarian.

ALEC Excuse me? Hi, do you have Slaughterhouse Five?

LIBRARIAN Oh, I’m sorry. We actually don’t stock that title any more.

ALEC Really? But it’s a classic.

LIBRARIAN Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.

ALEC OK, well, could you help me with this list? I can’t seem to find any of them.

Librarian looks at it and gives an anxious nod.

EXT. NEXT TO THE GRAFFITI BARN – NIGHT

A barn/shed in a secluded field, covered with non- urban graffiti. Jared and Nick are on either side, each working a large hydraulic jack. Sarah and Ben help, while Eddie plays look-out.

JARED OK, those braces are detached, so we just pump up on both sides…

He and Nick each work the levers several times, and with a creek the roof of the barn lifts a few feet.

JARED That’s got it!

SARAH My hero. JARED I love it when a plan comes together.

SARAH Hey, mastermind. Wanna go to prom with me?

JARED (smiles) Yeah. That’d be nice.

EDDIE Where the hell is he?

BEN He’ll be here.

NICK It’s been three hours.

BEN He had to stop in Seattle, and then he was going to join up with us. He’ll be here.

INT. SEATTLE PUBLIC LIBRARY/CHECK OUT DESK – EVENING

Alec thanks the librarian, and takes his pile of books toward the exit. His attention is caught by a flyer that says, “READING! Tonight.” PAULINE, a bookish “city girl,” approaches.

PAULINE You should check that out.

ALEC I’m sorry?

PAULINE The poetry reading. It’s at this new coffee shop in Fremont.

ALEC Oh. Sounds cool.

PAULINE It is. I’m planning on going tonight, actually. You wanna maybe join me?

EXT. NEXT TO THE GRAFFITI BARN – NIGHT

EDDIE I dunno guys. I think something’s wrong. This isn’t going to work.

JARED It’ll work. Soon as Alec gets here, we load the roof on his van and take it to Nick’s. Then back here, separate the walls from the main braces with crowbars. Split into two teams, and—

NICK You guys hear something?

All are quiet for an unnaturally long time.

BEN It’s just raccoons.

EDDIE Where the fuck is Alec?

INT. SEATTLE PUBLIC LIBRARY – EVENING

ALEC So, yeah, I had to come all the way down here.

PAULINE Where’s this town?

ALEC Stanwood. It’s about an hour north.

PAULINE Oh, yeah! My aunt has a summer home on Camano Island. I’ve been through Stanwood!

ALEC Yeah. A lot of people go through it. PAULINE Wow. You’re reading Maya Angelou?

ALEC What? Oh. Um, I don’t know, I got a bunch. I’m not sure which ones I’ll end up…

PAULINE I’m Pauline.

ALEC Alec.

PAULINE Look, why don’t we go to the reading together? It’ll be over by 9:30.

EXT. NEXT TO THE GRAFFITI BARN – NIGHT

EDDIE What was that?

JARED There is nothing out here. Calm down already.

SARAH Hey guys. Dean has been blabbing all over school about how he’s going to get the graffiti barn. He hasn’t even been the least bit cautious about it.

BEN Subtlety is not one of his strong points.

SARAH Exactly. So it’s almost 2 a.m. Why hasn’t Dean come down that road yet?

They look down the driveway that led them to this barn, which must be at least a mile long.

BEN Ah, shit. SARAH Right.

BEN (whispering) If this goes bad, follow the creek, and we’ll meet back in town at the elementary school.

EDDIE That’s five miles!

BEN You got a better idea?

No one does.

BEN Someone make sure Sarah knows where she’s going.

Jared nods. Ben hides behind a tree.

BEN Get down. (calling) Dean, is that you?

Flashing red and blue lights come on. A pair of mag lights sweeps the woods.

BEN Shit, shit, shit!

The teens all sprint away into the woods.

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – DAY

Difiore stares across his desk at our crew and Dean. The students, seated quietly, avoid eye contact.

DiFIORE So this morning I get a call not only from Mr. Olsen, but also the police. I know it’s spring quarter. I know it’s senior year. But this isn’t what I’m expecting from my honor students. Silence.

DiFIORE Well?

NICK Technically, Dean isn’t an honor student.

DiFIORE I’m not in the mood, Mr. Swanson. You’re all lucky you weren’t arrested. Miss Garfield, I’d tell you you’d fallen in with the wrong crowd, but that’s not true. Not normally. What got into you boys?

EDDIE People have been painting old man Olsen’s barn for years.

DiFIORE You were trying to tear it down.

DEAN These guys did that. I didn’t have anything to do with their stupid plan.

BEN Shut up, Dean.

DiFIORE You are supposed to be the ones I can count on to represent this school to the community. The ones I can point to and say look, athletes, scholars. All right, you’re all doing three days’ detention after school. I don’t care what activities that cuts into.

JARED What?!

DEAN We’re in the playoffs!

DiFIORE Don’t. I’ll make it two weeks.

ALEC I wasn’t even there.

BEN You sure as hell weren’t.

DiFIORE What?

JARED He wasn’t there.

DiFIORE Oh. Well, Mr. O’Donnel, you’re excused.

Alec leaves.

DiFIORE The rest of you, go fill out detention paperwork with Ms. Jones. And Jared, if anybody is involved in anything like this again, I promise there will be no concert in Seattle this June.

JARED I understand.

The teens move to the outer office, where a disapproving Ms. Jones hands them papers. All but Dean go to a lobby to fill them out.

SARAH Well that was fun.

JARED Yeah, terrific.

EDDIE Oh, chill out.

JARED Screw you, Eddie.

NICK It’s not a big deal. SARAH It’s only three days.

JARED It’s not a big deal to YOU. I’ll miss three practices, four rehearsals, and seven meetings.

BEN You’re not the only one missing stuff. I mean, we won’t be able to do the track meet this weekend, but in the long run, it was worth it.

EDDIE We can use the detention time to plan the next mission.

JARED Are you insane? There is no next mission. We could have been arrested, all for a stupid night, which, frankly, was far from cool.

EDDIE You take everything too seriously.

JARED No, I don’t. You heard DiFiore threaten the concert. No more missions. The bastards are done.

EXT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

Ben’s parks and goes into the store.

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

Ben mopes his way to the back office.

INT. GROCERY STORE EMPLOYEE ROOM – DAY

Ben comes to a memo on the wall reading, “Needed: clerks with no prom night plans. Late shift.” Ben signs the first slot. INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY.

Elderly folks in dress clothes sit at the cafeteria tables. Students are bringing them food on trays. Ben and Alec serve a table in the corner.

BEN He’s nuts.

ALEC I know.

BEN Absolutely fucking nuts.

ALEC I know.

BEN OK folks, here are your plates. Can we bring anything else for you?

OLD NORWEGIAN MAN Oh, son of a gun, could we have some more water?

BEN Sure thing. We’ll be right back.

ALEC And I’ll bring your table another basket of lefse.

OLD NORWEGIAN WOMAN Oh, aren’t you a sweet one!

She reaches up and pinches his cheek. Alec is stunned that someone would actually do this.

ALEC Well, we try.

Ben and Alec return to the kitchen.

ALEC No concert is worth this. Not Metallica, not Nirvana, not Jimi Fucking Hendrix backed up by The Beatles.

BEN Could be worse. The students who signed up to host… they have to wear the outfits.

He gestures. At the entrance behind a reception podium, Jenny Johansen and other students in traditional folk costumes greet more elderly guests.

JENNY Hi! If you’ll just step this way, someone will take you to your table.

Jenny turns. Goth Chicks 1 and 2, the last greeters left, avoid eye contact. They are in Goth trappings but also Norwegian folk outfits.

GOTH CHICK #1 No.

GOTH CHICK #2 I’m not going. You go.

GOTH CHICK #1 Absolutely no way in hell.

GOTH CHICK #2 (angry, rolling eyes) Fine. (with no feeling) Hi, welcome to the lutefisk dinner. Ya, shore. You betcha. This way.

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY.

Nick is entranced by a plate of lutefisk. He pokes the dish with his finger, causing the “food” to jiggle like jello. Eddie, behind him, watches. Sarah is on the other side of a serving counter, handing dishes to the students who come in and out of the kitchen.

NICK What do you call this again? SARAH It’s called “lutefisk.”

EDDIE What’s it made of?

SARAH I don’t know.

Alec and Ben enter.

BEN You guys, you’re supposed to serve it, not stare at it.

ALEC (to Sarah) Basket of lefse, please.

NICK Seriously. What is this stuff?

BEN You take fish, you soak it in lye for days, and then you boil it.

NICK Why would you do that?

BEN I don’t know.

EDDIE It smells terrible.

ALEC Yeah, well it tastes even worse. Take this to table seventeen.

Eddie does.

NICK I can’t believe they eat this stuff.

ALEC No, they love it. They’re actually slurping it. NICK Give you five bucks to eat some.

ALEC No chance. Look, I can’t stand it out there any more. Will you take some water around?

NICK Yeah, sure.

Exit Nick.

ALEC What I want to know is, where’s Jared?

SARAH He ran home real quick to check his mail. Announcements are out.

Ben and Alec “ah” in understanding. Enter Dean.

DEAN Hey Sarah. Four plates.

Sarah nods and dishes up a tray of lutefisk for Dean.

DEAN So I heard you’re going to prom with Jared Hendricks.

SARAH That’s right.

DEAN That’s too bad. You know, I would have asked you. You didn’t have to go with Mr. Student Council.

ALEC You’re the smoothest Dean.

BEN The very smoothest.

DEAN Shut up, Walsh. Are you guys even going to the prom?

BEN I have to work.

DEAN Well. Convenient. Of course, I hear that Amy already has a date. Didn’t take her long to move on.

BEN Good for her.

DEAN Yeah, she must have got tired of waiting for your balls to drop.

BEN Shut the fu—

ALEC Actually, I’m going with a gorgeous college freshman from Seattle.

SARAH How about you, Dean? Got a date yet?

DEAN Oh, I have a plan B.

SARAH Here’s your smelly boiled fish.

DEAN You decide you want to ditch Hendricks, you let me know.

He exits, tray of fish in hand.

BEN Man, he’s annoying.

SARAH Prom’s not worth getting upset over. It’s just— JARED (running in) Guys!

BEN So you decided you’d actually show up for your fundraiser.

Jared, beaming, holds up a fat 9x11 envelope with the words “Stanford YES” in bold letters.

ALEC You got in!

SARAH (running to hug him) Oh my gosh! I’m so happy for you.

BEN Congratulations.

JARED I can’t believe it. I mean, you know, it hasn’t sunk in yet.

SARAH You have to tell everyone.

Nick and Eddie return with empty pitchers and baskets.

NICK You guys, Dean’s taking Jenny Johansen to prom. He just asked her.

ALEC That’s so not fair.

SARAH Seriously! She has a great ass.

The guys just look at her.

SARAH. Well, it’s really nice, is all I’m saying.

EDDIE AND, it turns out that Amy’s going… with Buddy.

All are stunned at that news. Ben’s face is lifeless.

INT. GROCERY STORE/CHECKSTAND – NIGHT

Ben at register. Eddie and Nick run in wearing tuxes. They are the only customers in the store.

NICK EDDIE Hey, Ben! What’s up?

Before Ben can respond, the two run down the aisles. Alec and Pauline enter. Ben waves.

ALEC Hey, Ben.

BEN Hey.

ALEC Ben, this is Pauline.

PAULINE Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you.

BEN Yeah, it’s good to meet you too. Welcome to Stanwood.

ALEC Any of the rest of the crew stop by?

BEN Yeah, you just missed Eddie and Nick. I’m sure you’ll hear their grunting and snorting shortly.

ALEC Cool. Well, we just wanted to stop by and say hello before the dance.

BEN Cool. Not much going on here. ALEC Well… we should probably…

PAULINE OK. Bye, Ben. Don’t get too lonely in here.

BEN I’ll be fine. See you guys.

The couple exits. Alec glances back, and Ben nods to acknowledge Alec’s good fortune. Nick and Eddie return to the register with flour, eggs, and Crisco.

EDDIE Hey, Ben! Check out what we got!

BEN What the hell are you guys doing?

NICK What do you mean?

Ben begins scanning and bagging the items.

BEN Come on, guys. It’s PROM NIGHT. You have DATES!

NICK Whose cars do you think we’re getting?

Ben is repulsed.

EDDIE Better watch it or we’ll get your car too.

BEN You two are pathetic. $11.75.

Eddie and Nick giggle as they throw down some cash.

BEN You don’t even have enough money! You owe me 40 cents. They look up, hoping he’ll let them slide. He does.

BEN Get outta here.

INT. GROCERY STORE/MAGAZINE RACK – NIGHT

Ben flips through magazines.

INT. GROCERY STORE/DAIRY DEPT. – NIGHT

Ben stacks milk. Nearby, a pair guys in tuxedos are picking up their corsages. Ben stares at clock.

INT. GROCERY STORE/MEAT DEPT. – NIGHT

Ben grabs a roll of paper towels and lobs it down the length of the aisle.

INT. GROCERY STORE/PRODUCE DEPT. – NIGHT

Ben rearranges fruits and vegetables.

MANAGER (INTERCOM) Ben, can you check please, thank you.

Ben trudges to the front of the store.

DEAN Hey, there, Benny-boy, spending an evening alone?

Ben steps into the checkstand, ignoring Dean. Dean puts down his item – one box of Beyond Seven condoms.

BEN No way.

Dean gives Ben a smug look and laughs.

BEN Aren’t you being a little presumptuous?

DEAN It’s a sure thing. BEN How do you know?

Jenny Johansen appears, and hugs Dean.

JENNY Did you get them?

DEAN You bet, babe.

BEN That’ll be $9.96 please.

Dean hands a bill to Ben.

DEAN Keep the change, Benny-boy.

Dean and Jenny exit. Sarcastic Co-worker enters.

SARCASTIC CO-WORKER Hey, Ben. What time do you get off?

BEN Never.

EXT. SARAH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

A black limo pulls up into the driveway. Sarah gets out. Jared sits with the door open.

SARAH You wanna come inside for a bit?

JARED Your dad won’t mind?

SARAH He’s out of town for the weekend. It’s no big deal.

JARED But…

INT. LIMO – NIGHT DRIVER Kid. Go inside.

INT. GROCERY STORE BREAK ROOM – NIGHT

Ben is set to lock the store’s main entrance to leave, but then hesitates, thinks.

EXT. LIMO – NIGHT

JARED I guess I could come in for a while.

EXT. SARAH’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The limo drives away as Jared and Sarah walk to the door.

SARAH So prom wasn’t such a bad thing.

JARED No. Actually, much nicer than I expected.

SARAH Oh, thanks.

JARED No, I mean, I guess I always just thought of prom as a formality. One of those things you just… go through.

Sarah shakes her head, unlocks the door. They go in.

INT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT

Ben walks down a long aisle. He passes flowers. He passes candy. He passes condoms. At the door to the break room, he pauses to think again.

INT. SARAH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

JARED Wow! This is nice! SARAH It ought to be. Daddy needs some place fancy to… not… spend his time.

JARED Is it that bad?

SARAH (resigned sigh) Sometimes. I guess though, that I wouldn’t change anything. I like my independence. Wine?

JARED No, thanks. Don’t drink.

SARAH Right. Control freak.

JARED We all have our issues. I’ll take a Coke if you got it.

She hands him a Coke bottle, and takes one also.

SARAH I’m going to start a fire.

She flips a switch, and the gas fireplace ignites.

JARED So you don’t spend your weekends hauling wood like the rest of us, eh?

SARAH Not exactly Daddy’s style.

JARED (noticing a shelf) Those your dad’s old records?

SARAH They’re mine, actually. I’m a bit of a collector.

JARED Really? (thumbing through) Let’s see, Beatles, Stones, Kinks… Buddy Holly? What decade were you born?

SARAH You were expecting Pearl Jam and Nirvana?

JARED Maybe some Vanilla Ice.

She moves close to scan over the records. She selects “Hard Day’s Night” by the Beatles.

SARAH Whatever. Lennon was a genius.

JARED Oh, really?

SARAH Yeah.

Sarah puts it on the record player.

JARED I’m just giving you a hard time. I actually have this on CD. I just… I guess I’m surprised you’re into this.

They sit, letting the music cover a long pause.

SARAH I’ve figured you out, you know.

JARED What do you mean?

SARAH Well, any other guy would have been all over me by now. Look at this outfit! I look amazing.

JARED Oh. I’m sorry. I… didn’t think you thought of us like that. SARAH No, it’s OK. I don’t. This is nice; I like us like this.

JARED Well…

SARAH I just mean… I understand you. Why you don’t go after girls.

JARED Oh, no, I’m not—

SARAH I know. But, here you are this successful guy. Football, basketball, track. Smart, school president. We both know there are totally girls who would go for you. Yet I’ve never seen you dating anyone. AND, when the prom comes around, you end up with someone who’s practically one of the guys to you. Safe. You’re mister aggressive risk taker, but not when it comes to anything that might actually put you out there. You know, emotionally.

JARED We control freaks get uncomfortable when someone has us pegged, you know.

SARAH Deal with it.

JARED It’s just not worth… whatever you said… putting myself out there. A year from now, we won’t even remember the last names of half the people we graduated with.

SARAH That’s not true.

JARED It is. We are leaving. People do forget. And I’m fine with that, because all I want is to get to Stanford and meet some people I can relate to.

SARAH Hey, sorry I can’t keep up.

JARED That’s not what I mean.

SARAH OK, so you go to college. You meet these great people. And then what?

JARED I don’t… I don’t know.

SARAH I do. You’ll focus on grades, and not get to know anyone. And then you’ll get a fancy job and move to another city. And then you’ll get transferred before you meet anyone there. Then you’ll move again. Jared please. Don’t become my dad. You’re right. Everyone leaves eventually. Now you have two choices. Stay detached because they’re leaving. Or get to know them. BECAUSE they’re leaving.

JARED Are you saying that you and I should—

SARAH (Shakes her head.) You’re my best friend. That means more to me that you know.

JARED Me too.

SARAH And there’s probably some really hot chick waiting for you at Stanford. Just do me a favor and let your guard down for her.

JARED Deal.

SARAH Besides, there’s sorta someone I’ve been after.

INT. GROCERY STORE BREAK ROOM – END OF THE NIGHT

Ben stares at the telephone. Finally, he dials.

BEN Hey. It’s me. I know you’re probably still at prom and everything, but I really need to talk to you.

INT. LUNCH TABLE – MONDAY AFTER PROM

Nick, Eddie and Alec interrogate Ben.

ALEC So you guys are back together?

BEN Pretty much.

JARED Ben.

BEN I had a lot of time at work to think things through, so…

ALEC Whatever.

BEN So yeah. She said she’d take me back.

The table is silent for a long while.

BEN Glad you’re all so happy for me. ALEC Anyone have any POSITIVE milestones this weekend?

EDDIE Dude, we totally scored.

NICK Yeah we did!

JARED You guys scored?

SARAH Really? No offense, but wow. I mean congrats. But… Really?

EDDIE Yeah, we totally nailed our dates’ cars.

BEN Wait a minute…

ALEC That’s not what I was talking about, nimrods.

BEN I think Alec meant something more carnal. Barring the nailing of cars, you guys do any other… scoring?

NICK Well…

EDDIE Not exactly…

NICK I mean, after we Criscoed their cars, Kim and Jody got mad and took off.

ALEC You guys are idiots. Well. Now that we’ve heard from these three, whom do we have left? Oh, yes, Jared and Sarah. Isn’t this interesting…

JARED Come on.

SARAH Just friends.

ALEC Huh. OK, then. It looks like we’ve heard everybody’s prom exploits, though I’m a bit disappointed in your lack of—

BEN Wait a minute. What about you?

ALEC Me?

JARED Yeah! I don’t remember even seeing you at the dance.

SARAH Or the parties afterwards!

BEN So then what happened after you visited me in the store?

SARAH Anything you care to tell us, Alec?

Alec flashes a guilty grin.

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE – DAY: MONTAGE

HEIDELBERG OK, you’re all set, and I have your cap and gown size. So then the last thing I need from you is a couple of sentences about your plans for the future. We put it in the program for the parents. SARAH University of Washington. I think I want to pursue social services.

JARED Well, I’m going to Stanford. Which is what I always planned. And I’m going to study either political science or electrical engineering. Or philosophy. [Beat] Or marine biology.

DEAN Physical therapy.

AMY Cosmetology.

BUDDY Physical therapy.

STUDENT Community college, then probably business school.

NICK AND EDDIE [proudly] Truck driving.

Heidelberg gives a knowing smile.

STILL ANOTHER STUDENT University of Washington

JEREMIAH Neurosurgery.

BEN And I don’t mind her mom as much as everyone else seems to, and I really love her, I think. I’m not crazy about Faith Unity every Sunday morning, but I mean, I think I did the right thing. Like, it’s the right choice for me at this point in my life. And if they can’t understand that, well, there’s nothing I can do about it. And sure, I’ll be a virgin until I’m 23 the way things are going, but that’s OK, right?

Arnie is perplexed and speechless.

ALEC Well, Pauline and I were thinking of moving to Boston. She has this friend who is part of a commune there, and we were thinking we could be there for a few months, and just experience the city and meet people, you know? And then we might enroll in Boston U next fall, or we might backpack through Europe. They have these passes where you can take the train anywhere once you pay one price. I’m hoping to see, like, Florence and Prague. Oh, and I hear Munich is really cozy in the winter.

HEIDELBERG Tell you what, I’m just going to write “Boston University” for now, how’s that?

INT. BEN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Ben picks up the phone, dials.

INT. ALEC’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Phone RINGS. Alec, sitting by phone, picks up.

ALEC Hey, man. So you’re free tonight?

INT. BEN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

BEN Totally. Amy’s going to some bible study thing, so I’m free until at least tomorrow afternoon. What’s the plan?

INT. ALEC’S HOUSE – NIGHT ALEC Movie night at Eddie’s place. Python, I think. Can you pick me up? I’m low on gas money.

INT. BEN’S HOUSE – NIGHT

BEN Deadbeat. I’ll be there in 15. Later.

EXT. EDDIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Ben’s Camaro rolls up. Ben and Alec get out. Jared, Eddie, and Nick are waiting.

BEN Hey, you bastards.

EDDIE We have a situation.

ALEC What’s up?

NICK Eddie’s folks rented Ghost. They have the TV room for the night.

ALEC Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Carmichael having a nice romantic evening.

EDDIE Ewh. There’s an image I didn’t need.

BEN OK, well, backup plan?

JARED Movie in Mt. Vernon?

BEN What’s playing?

JARED Encino Man, Lethal Weapon 3, Basic Instinct--

NICK Sharon Stone is hot.

JARED White Men Can’t Jump…

NICK I said, Sharon Stone is hot!

BEN OK. I guess the choice has been made.

JARED We just have to wait for Sarah.

BEN When is she getting here?

JARED Soon, I hope. Movie starts in 28 minutes.

ALEC Yeah, and I wanna see previews.

BEN Well, I’ll wait. You guys get going now, and as soon as Sarah gets here, we’ll catch up.

ALEC All right. Fucknut’s car?

Nick nods and holds up keys. The boys pile in, and Jared, half-in, is still coordinating.

JARED We’ll be at the Cinema 8. The one by the first exit.

BEN Got it.

Just then, Sarah’s car pulls up. She gets out. SARAH Bastards.

JARED ‘Bout time.

SARAH Bite me.

JARED See you guys there.

He gets in Nicks car, and Nick peels away.

BEN I’ll drive.

INT. BEN’S CAR – NIGHT

Ben and Sarah spend a long time in silence. He’s looking straight ahead, and she out the window.

SARAH So, what are we seeing?

BEN Basic Instinct.

SARAH Ugh. Nick’s idea?

BEN Yup.

More silence.

SARAH I heard Alec and his new girlfriend are really hitting it off.

BEN Oh, yeah. He’s really happy. I’ve never seen him this way before. They’re even talking about traveling together after graduation.

SARAH No kidding? Wow, that’s great. It’s amazing what being with the right girl can do for a guy.

BEN Oh, please. I don’t need any more grief about getting back with Amy.

SARAH That’s not what I meant. How are things with Amy, anyway?

BEN She’s at a Bible study thing today.

SARAH That’s not what I asked.

BEN Things are good.

SARAH You don’t sound like things are good.

BEN Sarah, thanks, seriously, but I said I don’t want to talk about it.

SARAH. Fine! Fine. I just think you could do better is all.

BEN Yeah, maybe.

SARAH You really could.

BEN Look, I have to see if I can make it work with her. And it’s not as if girls are pounding down my door.

SARAH Are all guys in this town this dense?

BEN I don’t follow you.

SARAH I give up. Stop the car.

BEN What?

SARAH I said stop the car.

BEN We’re not there yet.

SARAH Just pull over.

Ben pulls the car off to the side of the road.

BEN What’s going on?

Sarah stares Ben down, then pulls him into her and kisses him. Ben is shocked at first, but then returns. She ends it and leans back into her seat a little breathless.

BEN Wow. So, you meant you.

SARAH No shit, Sherlock.

BEN So you want--

SARAH No.

BEN What?

SARAH You had your chance.

BEN But-- SARAH Now you know what you missed out on. Drive.

BEN But what about—

SARAH Just drive.

He does.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

The crew is watching Basic Instinct, Nick paying rapt attention. Sitting together are Ben and Sarah, Ben looking as though his world just ended.

INT. BEN’S CAMARO - NIGHT.

Ben, stern-faced, is speeding. The intro of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana plays.

EXT. MAYOR’S MANSION (AMY’S HOUSE) - NIGHT

Ben pounds on the door repeatedly, still resolute, his car running with door open. Amy opens it, in a robe.

AMY Ben?

BEN I don’t like church.

AMY What?

BEN I don’t like your hair.

AMY It’s three in the morning--

BEN I don’t want to see you any more. AMY What?

BEN We’re through. I’m going to U-dub next year, and I’m not coming back here. Not to visit you, not to stop by cosmetology school, not for anything but Thanksgiving and Christmas.

AMY Ben, you’re talking nonsense.

BEN No I’m not. Not now. I’m sorry, but we’re through.

AMY Ben! What are you saying?

BEN It couldn’t wait. That wouldn’t be fair to you. We don’t belong together. My friends said so all along. They’re right. So there you go. Good night.

He returns to his car.

AMY’S MOM (VO) Amy? Amy who was that?

INT. MAYOR’S MANSION (AMY’S HOUSE). NIGHT.

AMY Oh, mom!

AMY’S MOM Amy, what’s the matter?

AMY It was Ben. He broke up with me.

AMY’S MOM What?

AMY He said his friends told him to, and he came here in the middle of the night.

AMY’S MOM I never liked that boy…

Amy’s Mom stares off, tight-lipped.

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – DAY

JARED (slamming tray) You fucker! You self-centered, uncaring, unthinking motherfucker!

BEN What’s the matter with you?

JARED Metallica’s canceled.

ALEC Dude. Chill out.

JARED I’ll do no such thing. It’s your fault, too. If you’d been there the night of the Final Mission, we wouldn’t have gotten busted.

SARAH Jared, what are you talking about?

JARED Ben had this big revelation and dumped Amy. But he didn’t let her down nice, or think about her feelings. He just showed up in the middle of the night and dropped the bomb.

BEN What was I supposed to do?

JARED Gee, I don’t know. Maybe you could have thought about someone else besides yourself.

NICK Dude, everyone’s looking over here.

JARED I don’t care. I busted my ass for four years to make sure we had something cool to do our final night together.

SARAH What does this have to do with the concert?

JARED Amy’s mom showed up this morning in DiFiore’s office. Big coincidence! She throws this shit fit, and says she’d have the school board all over DiFiore if we got to go to Metallica.

NICK What about all the money we raised? The lutefisk dinner and everything?

JARED We get to have our party here. In the cafeteria. Just like every fucking class before us. And the money can only be spent on fucking decorations.

BEN How can one parent do that?

JARED Well, since DiFiore was already pissed about the Graffiti Barn—

ALEC The Graffiti Barn thing was more than a month ago.

BEN Well you wouldn’t really know, would you? ALEC Whose side are you on?

EDDIE He’s right. We never pulled off a Final Mission.

JARED We waited for four hours that night, and no one with a van showed up.

SARAH Guys, cool it.

ALEC Oh, fuck you, Hendricks. You guys have given me shit for years about how I never apply myself. Well, that night changed me.

EDDIE You know what? It changed us, too.

JARED Yeah, like I don’t have “planned a concert” on my resume.

BEN Goddammit, Jared, is everything about your resume?

SARAH Guys!

BEN AND JARED Shut up, Sarah!

HEIDELBERG (just arriving) Yes, OK. Umm, is everything OK here?

The teens just glare at Arnie.

EXT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY Graduation ceremony. DiFiore speaking. Students less than attentive. The Bastards are up front, arms crossed, each uncomfortable to be seated together.

DiFIORE So, class of 1992, take with you more than just what you learned in the classroom; take a lifetime of memories and friendships. Wherever you may go from here, I hope you’ll always carry a little bit of Stanwood with you.

APPLAUSE. Goth Chick #2 is all grins, having decorated her cap with daisies and smiley faces. She’s clapping loudly. Goth Chick #1 just stares at her.

DiFIORE It is now my honor to present your diplomas. Please hold your applause to the end. Jeremiah Andrews.

JEREMIAH I’m done learnin’!

INT. STANWOOD HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – NIGHT

The decorations are extreme. Streamers and velvet graduation caps cover the salad bar. Next to a sign that hasn’t been cleared yet, reading “Friday: Fishwich and coleslaw,” a string quartet plays. Alec and Nick come to the punch bowl. Seeing Jared and Sarah, they change their mind and leave.

SARAH Why don’t you just go talk to them?

JARED I don’t think so.

SARAH Oh, because this is what you wanted? Senior party, none of you even talking to each other?

JARED Well, whose fault is that? AMY OK, but remember, we have services on Sunday, so we can’t stay out too late.

BUDDY Oh. K.

EDDIE This is the lamest thing ever. What are we even supposed to do here?

BEN I don’t know. Damn this sucks. Just think. Metallica is playing right now.

Alec drifts their way.

ALEC This place isn’t big enough.

SARAH (dragging Jared) Guys, Jared and I were thinking about getting out of here. What do you say?

BEN I don’t think so.

ALEC Pass.

SARAH Guys, we can’t spend our last big night like this!

JARED I think I’m just going to go home.

SARAH Look, everyone shake hands, and we’ll go… I don’t know… watch a… well, we’ll go do something.

BEN Even if I wanted to spend time with you people, there’s nothing more exciting out there than what’s going on in here.

SARAH All right, that’s it! I am so sick of people telling me how small this town is, and how oppressive, and how conservative. Old Norwegians waving flags, blah blah blah. Well, get a fucking clue, guys. You think you’re the only town with no movie theater? You think you’re the first group of high schoolers to decorate someone’s car because they have nothing better to do on a Friday night? There’s never anything to do on Friday night. Anywhere. Ever. And that’s normal. We’re normal. We’re like every other high school kid, stuck someplace we don’t wanna be. It’s a chain that we’re part of, that we can’t break. And we’re not supposed to. It’s our duty to perpetrate immature stupidity at the expense of those holding us back. These people need to know that even though they have all the power to make all the decisions, they do it at the price of a pointless and senseless act of rebellion, which while it won’t make anything change, will at least take them a long time to clean up.

BEN No way. The cops are cracking down on that kind of stuff now.

SARAH All the police are near the school watching the graduation party.

ALEC Wait! And all the parents are at family gatherings…

SARAH So, what would be the ultimate Final Mission? Who really has it coming? BEN Amy’s house.

SARAH Amy’s house. The mayor’s house. The house of the church mommy with her panties in such a bunch that she wrecked our one chance to have something to do on a Friday night!

NICK That’s worth 10 Graffiti Barns.

EDDIE There’s no way. It’s right in the middle of town. There’s a gate, and security system…

JARED We’d need the perfect plan…

EDDIE I thought you didn’t do missions any more.

JARED Yeah. But Amy’s mom is a REAL bitch.

BEN Serious?

ALEC I’m driving.

SARAH Let’s go show ‘em what the bastards do, when they don’t have anything better to do!

The teens all put their hands in the middle of a circle. MUSIC: “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. Along the walls stretch STREAMERS.

EXT. MAYOR’S MANSION (AMY’S HOUSE) – NIGHT

TOILET PAPER stretches between two trees against the night sky. Below it, Alec confronts a row of five classic cars. He uses a giant supersoaker to spray the cars with vegetable oil. Jared follows, dumping several bags of flour per car. The row of cars looks snowed upon. The boys, in their black stealth wear, shake hands.

Sarah runs circles around a tall hedge, lifting a broom above her head. On the handle, ten vertically stacked rolls of toilet paper dispense simultaneously.

Nick empties an entire can of Crisco into the face of a shovel. He looks at Eddie and nods. Eddie’s black clothing includes his graduation robe. As Nick steadies a log, Eddie jumps onto the handle of the shovel, sending the grease flying. It splats into the second story mansion windows, next to similar globs.

The mansion is barely recognizable. So much TP covers every part, you can hardly tell it’s a house.

Ben sits on the gutter across the street. Jared claps flower from his hands and sits next to Ben.

JARED This is some nice work, my friend.

BEN Good shit.

A roll of toilet paper, thrown by Sarah, nails Ben.

BEN Oh, you are so dead, Garfield.

Ben chases her. The other guys join Jared.

EDDIE I think this is our best work ever.

JARED You know, I’m gonna miss this town.

ALEC Yeah.

Ben catches up with Sarah, away from the guys. SARAH Now whatcha gonna do, Benny-boy?

BEN Hold this?

Sarah holds an end. Ben circles and wraps her with TP.

BEN Hey, Sarah, I was thinking, we’ll both be at U-dub next year. You think maybe we could have dinner some time?

SARAH Why Benjamin Walsh! Are you asking me on a date?

He stops with the toilet paper.

BEN I just meant that—

SARAH No, no! Give me a call some time.

The guys join Ben and Sarah.

BEN You know what? We should come back here next year.

JARED No. Every year.

SARAH Wouldn’t miss it for anything.

ALEC Yeah. Sure.

FADE OUT.

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