Abuse in Lesbian Relationships

Module 14

ABUSE IN LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS

Although violence in same sex relationships is not widely discussed, it is a reality and front-line workers in shelters must be knowledgeable about the issues faced by women experiencing abuse in lesbian couples. Lesbians may not self identify when contacting shelters for information and support. Some might talk about abuse from a roommate; others may be vague about the identity of the abusive individual.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES:

- To understand the complexities of abuse in the lesbian population.

- To be able to respond to the unique needs of lesbian women impacted by violence.

SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM

 Lesbians are women who have primary intimate/sexual relationships with other women. In Canada, about 10 to 15% of women identify themselves as lesbian. Lesbians come from a variety of backgrounds and are a part of every race, religion and socioeconomic group. They have a variety of occupations and have varying physical and mental abilities. It is impossible to make generalizations about lesbians as a group (Health Canada, 1998).

 Violence in lesbian relationships is rarely discussed and remains a hidden issue. Within the heterosexual population, intimate partner violence has only recently been brought to the attention of the greater society. The secrecy of gay relationships has contributed to the lack of attention afforded the topic of abuse within this group of individuals. Many lesbians regard lesbian relationships as a positive option to heterosexual relationships. Often there is a belief that women interact in supportive, caring ways and therefore it is not possible for women to abuse each other. For some, abuse is believed to occur only in heterosexual relationships. The stereotypes and prejudices that exist in society about lesbians contribute to the silence of talking about abuse. Sometimes there is fear that open discussion about lesbian abuse will contribute to the negativity about the lesbian community.

 The most commonly used definition of lesbian partner abuse is that developed by Barbara Hart (1986). She defines lesbian abuse as “a pattern of violent [or] coercive behaviors whereby a lesbian seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs or conduct of [an] intimate partner or to punish the intimate for resisting the perpetrator’s control” (p. 143). This definition includes all forms of abuse as in heterosexual relationships, but also has some unique characteristics specific to abuse in lesbian relationships. Lesbian partner violence is different in that it also includes homophobia as a controlling tactic, which is exemplied most often as a threat to reveal the other’s sexual orientation. The cumulative effect of living in a homophobic and heterosexist society contributes to the complexity of abuse in lesbian relationships. This often results in women being more isolated and experiencing more denial or minimization of the abuse.

1  There are very few statistics on the prevalence of violence in the lesbian community. Some studies suggest that 25 to 50% of lesbians report being in a battering relationship (Barnes, 1998; Friess, 1997).

 A study conducted by the Toronto Counselling Centre for Lesbians and Gays indicates that 66% of the respondents (125 of 189) reported knowing lesbians who had experienced abuse in their relationships. Of the respondents, 37 of the 189 indicated that they had been subjected to abuse. The abuse primarily identified was emotional or psychological abuse. Twenty respondents identified physical violence and 4 women indicated that they had experienced sexual violence within their relationships (Health Canada, 1998).

 Jane Oxenbury (2005) reported that an average of 25% to 33% of all same-sex relationships involve domestic violence.

STEREOTYPICAL ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT LESBIANS (Health Canada, 1998).

1. Lesbians are masculine looking or “butch” in appearance. FALSE – Lesbians fit all physical descriptions.

2. Lesbians can be classified into either “butch” or “femme” categories. FALSE – Most lesbians do not adopt roles in their relationships. As in heterosexual relationships, there is a full range of roles that might be adopted in a lesbian relationship.

3. Lesbians are feminists. FALSE – Many are, but not all.

4. Lesbians are man haters. FALSE - Attitudes toward men vary, as in the heterosexual population.

5. Lesbians are promiscuous. FALSE – Lesbian relationships are similar to heterosexual relationships.

There is no one set of characteristics that define lesbians. In spite of this diversity, there are some common elements that differentiate lesbians from heterosexual women. In most cities, there are specific lesbian clubs and gathering spots where lesbians can freely be who they are. Within the lesbian communities, there are also sub-groups for women who share similar interests and companionships. Lesbians frequently know one another because of the finite lesbian community. As a

2 6/17/2010 result of smaller social communities that many lesbians are a part of, it is more challenging to be safe from an ex-abusive partner without giving up one’s social connections.

THE LARGER SOCIAL CONTEXT

In order to understand violence within lesbian relationships, the larger social context of lesbianism must be understood. “Violence among lesbians may be rooted in social conditions such as hatred of women (misogyny) and fear of homosexuals (homophobia). It is also linked to other forms of domination within our society, such as racism and classism” (Health Canada, 1998, p. 7).

In Canadian society, many women are devalued and seen as sexual objects or property. Lesbians are frequently ostracized, discriminated against and viewed as sexual deviants challenging “the social and moral fabric of patriarchal society” (p. 7). A study completed by the Toronto Counselling Centre for Lesbians and Gays, found that approximately 30% of the respondents to their survey stated that homophobia and isolation were factors that they felt contributed to the abuse they had experienced in their relationships (Health Canada, 1998).

MYTHS ABOUT LESBIAN ABUSE

1. Lesbian relationships are never abusive. FALSE – Violence does exist.

2. Lesbian violence only occurs in butch and femme relationships. FALSE - The roles do not automatically dictate that one individual will have more power in the relationship then the other.

3. Abuse between lesbians is mutual. FALSE – In lesbian relationships as in heterosexual relationships, there is usually a perpetrator and a victim. Perpetrators cannot be distinguished by size, height or age.

4. Abusive lesbian relationships involve apolitical lesbians, or those who frequent the bar scene. FALSE – Violence is not limited to any particular group of lesbians.

5. Lesbian violence is caused by substance abuse, stress or childhood violence. FALSE - These factors may help explain why an abuser acts the way she does; however, there is no simple cause and effect relationship.

6/17/2010 3 SOME WAYS LESBIAN VIOLENCE IS UNIQUE

The effects of abuse that impact women in heterosexual relationships have significance for predicting the consequences for a lesbian abused by her partner. In addition, homophobia and internalized oppression complicate these effects. Lesbians who are abused by their partners may be more likely to isolate themselves out of a desire to keep the nature of their relationship secret. Homophobia and heterosexism increase isolation in lesbian partner violence. The threat of being “outed” or revealed as being homosexual is often used as a means of control in lesbian relationships. The fear of having to “out” oneself if an individual talks about the abuse often keeps lesbian women in silence and therefore not accessing supports.

Utilizing mainstream services such as shelters might be difficult for lesbians experiencing abuse and may result in some not telling the truth about their experiences. Some try to hide the gender of their abusive partner, while others present as having experienced abuse as a result of living with a roommate of the same gender.

Seeking services may mean that it is necessary to come “out” which can be a major life decision for many women.

See Appendix – Wheel of Abuse in Lesbian Relationships

A THREAD FOR YOUR TAPESTRY OF INTERVENTIONS

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROFESSIONALS WORKING WITH LESBIANS WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED

It is extremely important that you examine your feelings and perceptions about lesbians and acknowledge and deal with any homophobic feelings or attitudes that you may have. It is also necessary to educate yourself in order to move beyond negative stereotypes and prejudices. A major difference between lesbians and heterosexuals experiencing abuse is that social and political attitudes tend to play a greater role in the dynamics of the situation.

Homophobia is the irrational and unconscious fear and hatred of lesbians and gay men and the fear of getting close to someone of the same gender.

Heterosexism is based in the structures and institutions of our society, which establish and perpetuate heterosexuality as the norm.

- Lesbian women stay in abusive relationships for many of the same reasons as heterosexual women. There are also additional reasons that keep lesbian women in their relationships. For some, the issue of disclosure and fear of facing additional challenges as a result of disclosure of sexual orientation keep women in unhealthy relationships. Others internalize homophobia, impairing self esteem. Internalized homophobia is the belief that the negative stereotypes and myths about lesbians are true. Fear of homophobic responses may isolate lesbian couples, adding to the stresses in the relationship. Such fears 4 6/17/2010 can negatively impact an abused lesbian’s efforts to reach out to support services and resources. She might fear that she will not be believed. Some lesbians believe that women are not abusive, and deny or excuse the abuse in the relationship. Others feel that leaving their partners is giving in to the negative beliefs that lesbian relationships are pathological.

- Do not assume that an abused woman’s partner is male. At the time of intake, a woman may disguise the gender of her abusive partner. She is more likely to reveal the truth once the helping process has begun, especially if you use language that does not automatically assume that the abusive partner is male. Using gender neutral terms indicates that she will not be judged for her sexual orientation.

- Upon disclosure, impart an attitude of acceptance and support regarding her sexual orientation. A lesbian will mistrust a helper who she sees as homophobic.

- Become aware of the prevailing myths about lesbian relationships.

- The first priority is to assess safety issues and develop a safety plan.

- Document the abuse and address medical and legal issues.

- A lesbian that has been abused will likely be anxious about her sexual orientation remaining confidential. She needs to be reassured that disclosing her sexual orientation is her choice. Provide a safe forum for her to share her fears and anxiety.

- Self-blame, guilt, and shame are common emotional responses for abused women. It is important to establish a safe and supportive environment.

- Be aware that, within lesbian communities, there may be some idealization of women and lesbian relationships, and this may result in a tendency to minimize the abuse in the relationship.

- Sexual assault and sexual coercion may be present in lesbian relationships. This is an important area to explore and to give permission for lesbians to talk about if they choose to.

- Consult with a therapist who is knowledgeable about lesbian abuse, if possible.

- Be aware of supportive community resources and share the information with the abused lesbian.

- Have educational materials on lesbian abuse readily available and visible, if possible, as this material contributes to increasing her comfort level. She is more likely to disclose her situation if she believes that lesbianism is accepted and understood.

- On intake forms, it is recommended that instead of using the term marital status, use relationship status, and include choices such as same sex partner.

- Be aware that women may be victims in one relationship and abusers in another.

- Ask for the names of the last four partners, including the most recent abusive one. This ensures safety and confidentiality, should one of the partners attempt to gain access to the shelter at the same time as the individual who has been victimized.

6/17/2010 5 (Adapted from information compiled by Jane Oxenbury (2005) and Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: Information and Resources, National Clearinghouse on Family Violence, 1998).

THROUGH HER EYES

CASE EXAMPLE:

When Linda arrived at the shelter she explained to the counsellor completing her intake that her female roommate had increasingly become abusive during the six months that they lived together. Linda stated that she and her roommate had argued about finances, and her roommate pushed her and told her to leave the home. Linda was visibly upset and cried throughout the intake. After about five days of staying in the shelter, Linda informed the staff that she was taking calls from a friend named Betty. Betty called frequently and Linda appeared to be upset after each of the calls.

One of the counsellors working with Linda decided to check in with her after one of the calls. The counsellor asked Linda about the relationship with Betty and if she was the roommate that had been abusive. Linda said yes, and also said that she was having a difficult time staying away from Betty. The counsellor became very aware of the emotional ties that existed between Linda and Betty. As Linda became more comfortable with the counsellor, she acknowledged that she had been in a relationship with Betty. It was at this point that the counsellor was able to normalize Linda’s emotions, including her sadness that the relationship was over. The counsellor was aware of a resource in the community that provided support for lesbians impacted by domestic violence, and provided Linda with that information. The counsellor also had handouts about the issue of violence in lesbian relationships, and gave Linda the information to read.

RESOURCES

Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: Information and Resources. www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv- cnivf/familyviolence/html/femlesbi_e.html.

AlbertaTrans.org. www. albertatrans . org /.

Assisting Abused Lesbians: A Guide for Health Professionals and Service Providers. (Revised June 2003). Champagne, C., Lapp, R., Lee, J. London Abused Women’s Centre, London, ON. www.lawa.on.ca.

Calgary Outlink. www.calgaryoutlink.ca.

Government of Alberta: Family Violence Initiative: If you go to this website and enter “lesbian” in the search box, you will be taken to a fact sheet and a brochure to give to women experiencing violence in

6 6/17/2010 same sex relationships. www.child.gov.ab.ca/home/.

Pride Centre of Edmonton. www. pridecentreofedmonton .org.

Ristock, J. L. (2002). No More Secrets: Violence in Lesbian Relationships. NY: Routledge.

Under the Rainbow. www.sutr.ca. This website lists resources for lesbians in Calgary, and information for professionals.

REFERENCES

Barnes, P. G. (1998). It’s Just a Quarrel. ABA Journal, 84, 24-26.

Friess, S. (1997). Behind Closed Doors: Domestic Violence. The Advocate, 7, 48-52.

Hart, B. (1986). Violence in Lesbian Relationships. In K. Lobel (Ed.). Naming the Violence: Speaking out About Lesbian Battering, 173-189. Seattle, WA: Seal.

Health Canada. (1998). Chelsy, L., MacAulay, D., Ristock, J. Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: Information and Resources. National Clearinghouse on Family Violence. www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv- cnivf/familyviolence/html/femlesbi_e.html.

Oxenbury, J. In Family Violence: It’s Your Business, Community Resource Guide, Alberta Government. (2005). www.child.gov.ab.ca/home/images/family violence /FVP_CommunityResourceGuide_20080528.pdf

6/17/2010 7 QUESTIONS: MODULE 14

1. How is abuse in lesbian relationships similar to abuse in heterosexual relationships?

2. How is abuse in lesbian relationships different from abuse in heterosexual relationships?

3. What are some of the stereotypical assumptions and myths about lesbians?

4. Is it possible that lesbians can be homophobic?

5. How can you prevent the abused woman’s partner from entering the shelter under the pretense of being abused herself, in order to gain proximity to her victim?

8 6/17/2010 APPENDIX: WHEEL OF CONTROL IN LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS

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