Why Do Marriages Fail

Healthy Families and Happy Homes

Why do Marriages Fail?

I think all of us are concerned with the state of the family and the state of marriages in our country today. The facts are that most children will spend at least a part of their childhood years in a single parent or blended family. This obviously does not mean being a single parent or being in a blended family is a bad thing. It does mean these children face different challenges AND opportunities than other children.

On the other hand, why are there so many marriages that fail? Why are there so many unhappy marriages? David Schnarch has radically argued that "Loving is not for the weak." The reason why so many marriages fail is because a really good marriage will eventually break your heart. In a long-term marriage, one partner will bury the other. The more a person wants and loves a partner the more it will hurt when they lose them. There are few of us who are developed enough to stand by ourselves and hold our own hand when we say goodbye to someone we cherish deeply.

Schnarch suggested there is only one way to avoid this inevitable loss and it is the reason why so many marriages fail. If you do not love your partner too well, by the time they die, they will not mean that much to you. You can lose your partner a little every day (this practice typically ends up in divorce or unhappy marriages) or you can lose them all at once when they die. In my mind, marriage is a gift God uses to grow us up and face life on its own terms. It always involves sacrifices and hurt as well as moments of bliss that become what Maslow called the "peak" experiences of our lives. Marriage pulls and pushes us to grow and to grow up. It encourages us to embrace pain for growth instead of avoid pain for immediate and all too fleeting pleasure. So, We are quick to divorce because or our low threshold of pain tolerance. We would rather hurt a little now than hurt a lot later when we lose someone we deeply love.

What is interesting, the "Loving is not for the weak" principle also applies to the rest of life. It applies to home, friendships, work and, dare I say, Church. It is far easier to cut us off from those who are different than to take life on by learning to tolerate difference. Its just easier to love a little by loving those who are like us, than to learn to love a lot, by learning to love people who are not like us. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "Love your friends. But love your enemies too." So, why do so many marriages fail? The same reason why so many relationships fail, we would rather hurt a little at a time than to hurt a great deal all at once. Hemmingway referred to courage as grace under stress. I think courage might be what we need. The secret to happy relationships and happy homes is no secret. It takes at least two people willing to COURAGEOUSLY love one another all the while knowing one day you may have to hold your own hand when the one you love dies. As Schnarch puts it, "may we all develop the strength to love well."

Gary Mauldin, Ph.D.