Chapter 10 Family Life Cycle

CHAPTER 10 – FAMILY LIFE CYCLE Instructor: Wendy Crapo

FAMILY LIFE CYLCE BEGINNING MARRIAGES What general age is best? • 20-25 Youthful marriages • Up to age 25, the older you are at marriage the greater likelihood of marital happiness. • Teens have higher divorce • After age 30 higher divorces Prediction of Success • Education = income, insight, status • Length of engagement • Childhood environment & relationship with family of origin & attachment. • Divorced parents may cause a shying away from marriage. • Loving each other did not have affect on whether or not they fought. • HONEYMOON EFFECT: Overlooking problems PREDICTION OF SUCCESS FACTORS • Communicate well • Resolve conflict in a constructive way • Realistic expectations of marriage • Like each other as people (opposites attract doesn’t work) • Undesirable traits are magnified in marriage • Agree on religion & ethical issues • Balance leisure activities with each other ENGAGEMENT (More of a ritual than a binding commitment) How long should engagement be? • The longer you are engaged the more likely you are to discover compatibilities. • But it can go too long too. • 24% are pregnant when marry.

Purpose of engagement • Commitment to marry (try out how it feels). • Think about realities of married life. • Beginning of kinship (start making ties with in-laws). • Become a couple. Feelings during engagement

• Anxiety • Maturation & dependency • Losses • Question partner choice • Gender role conflict • Idealization & disillusionment • Get to know self (weaknesses & strengths) WEDDING RITUAL (65% church weddings) • Symbolized profound life transition & step into adulthood • Give the bride away (when father received pledge of money he gave bride away) • Exchange of rings (From Egypt = timelessness & to give it back is symbolic gesture) • Not wearing a ring is symbolic statement about the marriage • Carrying bride over threshold (Greece & Rome symbolic of abduction because bride would not willingly leave her father’s house) • Eating of cake (offering made to household of God’s & made union sacred) • Jumping the broomstick (African tradition) • Honeymoon (Pagan time of intoxication to insure fertility) • Flower girls (carried wheat to symbolize fertility) HONEYMOON HONEYMOON PURPOSES • Rest and Recreation • Time for being alone • Initial adjustment to marriage

GUIDELINES WHEN PLANNING A HONEYMOON • Don’t go into debt • May delay to a better time • Honeymoon not necessary for a happy marriage

NATIONAL SURVEYS SHOW: • 50% of couples interviewed report their honeymoon was not happy at all. • People most unhappy with honeymoons are young women who have always lived at home. ENDURING MARRIAGES • Couples who are happily in love. • Unhappy couples who continue marriage out of habit and fear. • Couples in between who are neither happy nor unhappy and accept the situation. • 20% were happy and 20% were unhappy. • Little correlation between happy marriages and stable ones. • In general, however, the quality of the marital relationship appears to show continuity over the years. HAPPILY MARRIED – What’s the Secret? • When they met they felt immediately at home with each other. Early on there is a strong physical and/or emotional attraction – they feel a sweeping sense of connection. • Happy couples often experience themselves as being the same and different. Similar backgrounds but each wants to embrace the other’s differentness; each wanted to be more like the other. • Happy couples establish and follow daily routines. This promotes confidence and trust. • Happy couples usually describe their mate as their best friend. They like each other very much, above all others. They spent a lot of time together. • Happy couples share a life dream. They work together to make the dream come true. • Happy couples don’t hold a grudge. High capacity to resolve conflict and move on. • Happy couples expect each other to do their best. They believe in their partner. • Happy couples roll with the changes. People do change and good marriages change for their partner and for the better. • Happy couples agree to have or not to have children. They usually share a dream of creating a family. • Happy couples understand the importance of sex & romance. Friendship was more important than sex but sex was the strong force binding them together through the years. • Happy couples see each other’s best self. They see each other clearly as they are but also what they can become. • Happy couples strongly believe in and practice monogamy. Fidelity was simply expected and an open marriage was not appealing to happily married couples. • Happily married couples share a complete absence of power struggle. Considered each other to be equal and their money, especially, was always “theirs”, not ‘mine”. • Happy couples support each other in all areas. Always support each other’s dreams, even when they don’t agree or understand. • Happy couples feel a great deal of faith in each other even when one thinks the other is wrong. May not think they are making the right choice but they give their support. ESCENTIAL CHARACTERISTICS:

• Marriage is #1, even over the kids • Fidelity • Commitment • Unselfishness • Time spent together • Talk & listen • Touching • Be positive about mate & marriage STAGE 1 - INITIAL ADJUSTMENT TO MARRIAGE • Before marriage, you are afraid of losing each other. • After marriage, you are afraid of losing yourself.

Identity bargaining: The process of role adjustments in a relationship – Identify with a role – Having the role validated by others – Negotiating with the partner to make changes in the role

Establishing Boundaries: Adjusting the ties with family of origin Stage 1 continued MARITAL ADJUSTMENTS • Family roles • Emotional support to partner • Adjust personal habits • Negotiate gender roles • Establish family & employment priorities • Develop communication skills • Manage money • Establish kin relationship (cohabitating partners usually never accepted as kin) • Participate in larger community Stage 1 continued IDENTITY BARGAINING: Role adjustment in a relationship. • Identify & negotiate. • Relationships help us discover ourselves. • An intimate relationship requires us to define who we are. Stage 1 continued IN-LAWS • Daughters who are close sometimes have a problem letting go. • But birth of child helps improve and change this relationship. • Need to establish new boundaries with in-laws STAGE 2 - CHILDBEARING FAMILY (From the birth of the first child until that child is 2 ½ years old)

Developmental Tasks: • Adjusting to increased family size • Caring for an infant • Providing a positive developmental environment STAGE 3 - FAMILIES WITH PRESCHOOLERS (When the oldest child is between the ages of 2 ½ and 6) Developmental Tasks: • Satisfying the needs and interests of preschool children • Coping with demands on energy and attention with less privacy at home

STAGE 4 - FAMILIES WITH SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN (When the oldest child is between the ages of 6 to 13)

Developmental Tasks: • Promoting educational achievement • Fitting in the community of families with school-age children

STAGE 5 - FAMILIES WITH TEENAGERS (When the oldest child is between the ages of 13 and 20)

Developmental Tasks: • Allowing and helping children to become more independent • Coping with their independence • Developing new interests beyond child care

STAGE 6 – MIDDLE AGE MARRIAGES (LAUNCHING CENTER)

• May divorce at this time without children present (empty nest which is not always negative). • Boomerang generation: Children return home due to high unemployment, housing cost, low wages, divorce and personal problems. STAGE 7 - LATER LIFE MARRIAGES (EMPTY NEST)

(More satisfying) • Higher income • Although widows often have financial hardships • But happily married widows choose to remarry more often • Old age not poverty stricken or neglected

Sandwich generation: Must raise dependent children & dependent parents. Intermittent extended family: Take in other relatives in time of need. GRANDPARENTING • Grandparents = distance is biggest factor in involvement • 25% of preschool children cared for by grandparents • Companionate relationships most common with grandchildren

INDIVIDUAL TASK • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Developing autonomy • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Developing intimacy & occupational identification • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Deciding about commitment to work & marriage • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Deepening commitments; pursuing more long-range goals • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Searching for “fit” between aspirations and environment • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Re-stabilizing and reordering priorities • State 7 (60+ yrs) Dealing effectively with aging, illness and death wile retaining zest for life MARITAL TASK • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Shift from family of origin to new commitment • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Provisional marital commitment • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Commitment crisis; restlessness • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Productivity; children, work, friends, & marriage • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Summing up; success & failure and future goals sought • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Resolving conflicts and stabilizing the marriage for the long haul • State 7 (60+ yrs) Supporting & enhancing each other’s struggle for productivity and fulfillment in face of aging INTIMACY • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Fragile intimacy • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Deepening but ambivalent intimacy • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Increasing distance while partners make up their minds about each other • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Increase in intimacy in “good” marriages; gradual distancing in “bad” marriages • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Tenuous intimacy as fantasies about other increase • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Intimacy is threatened by aging and boredom. Departure of children may increase or decrease intimacy. • State 7 (60+ yrs) Struggle to maintain intimacy in face or eventual separation, usually plateaus POWER • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Testing of power • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Establish pattern of conflict resolution • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Sharp vying for power and dominance • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Establish patterns of decision making and dominance • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Power in outside world is tested via power in the marriage • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Conflicts often increase when children leave and security appears threatened • State 7 (60+ yrs) Survival fears stir up needs for control and dominance MARITAL BOUNDARIES • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Conflicts over in-laws • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Friends and potential lovers; work versus family • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Temporary disruptions including extramarital sex or reactive ‘fortress building” • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Nuclear family closes boundaries • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Disruption due to reevaluation; drive versus re-stabilization • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Boundaries are usually fixed except in crisis • State 7 (60+ yrs) Loss of family & friends leads to closing in of boundaries, important to maintain ties with outside world INDIVIDUAL STAGE • Stage 1 (18-21 yrs) Develop roots • Stage 2 (22-28 yrs) Provisional adulthood • Stage 3 (29-31 yrs) Transition at age 30 • Stage 4 (32-39 yrs) Settling down • Stage 5 (40-42 yrs) Midlife transition • Stage 6 (43-59 yrs) Middle adulthood • State 7 (60+ yrs) Old age RETIREMENT • Earlier – 75% choose to retire before age 65 (WHY?) • More egalitarian marriages • Highest degree of marital satisfaction since early marriage • Improved health

CARING FOR AGED Caregiver Conflict • Earlier unresolved antagonisms and conflicts. • Caregiver’s inability to accept the relative’s increasing dependence. • Conflicting loyalties between spouse or children and caring for the elderly. • Resentment towards the elderly relative for disrupting family routines. • Resentment of lack of involvement by other family members. • Anger if elderly relative tries to manipulate others. • Conflicts over money and inheritance. COPING STRATEGIES

• Plan for legal and financial incapacities • Manage income and expenses • Arrange for long term care • Assess capabilities of whole family unit • Divide responsibilities among whole family unit • Determine community backup services Most common diseases and causes of death 1. Arthritis 2. Hypertension 3. Hearing impairment 4. Heart disease 5. Cataracts 6. Deformity orthopedic impairment 7. Diabetes

CARING FOR FAMILY MEMBER WITH CHRONIC ILLNESSS • Strained family relations • Modifications in family activities and goals • Increased tasks and time commitments • Increased financial costs • Special housing requirements • Social isolation • Medical concerns • Grieving over disabilities, limitations and restricted life opportunity COPING STATEGIES • Make a place for the illness, and keep balance in life. • Keep communication open. • Cultivate sources of support. • Develop good working relationship with healthcare professionals. DEATH WHY STUDY ABOUT DEATH? • Our society is unusual, we shut death in a closet • Death is a natural part of life • Death is often emotional and unpleasant • Death must be faced • Part of our society • We used to be more open about death • People used to die at home more often • Funerals and viewings were at home • Friends and family were there at moment of death • Illnesses were short

DEATH • DENIAL: remove dead from home, not telling children. • EXPLOITATION: Desensitized and deny the realities of death • ROMANITCIZATION: Those lead to think of death as beautiful can be disillusioned.

Fear: Fear of death keeps us alive.

Denial healthy, it keeps us from dwelling on morbidity of death.

Acknowledging that death exists can help us prioritize & appreciate. STAGES OF DEATH A dying person should not be expected to behave in a certain manner, only his/her own way.

• Denial & isolation • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance GRIEVING PROCESS • Guilt is common, 1st year is hard at holidays. • Consoling: Listen, don’t avoid, give practical support. • Needs: Death with dignity (respect as human being). • Hospice can help. WHAT NOT TO SAY TO THE BEREAVED • Cheer up • Time to heal all wounds • Come on, you need to get over this • We want the old “you” back • I’ll help you get rid of their things • They’re better off • It was God’s will • Call me if you need me WHAT TO SAY TO THE BEREAVED • It’s OK to cry • I want you to know I’m thinking about you • I’m sad for you • I care about you • I’m here if you want to talk • “You don’t have to be strong or apologize for crying.”

Do accept them and their feelings Let them cry when they want to Let them talk about the dead person (They are in their thoughts often) DEFINITIONS OF DEATH • LEGAL DEATH: Court says it has irreversible cessation to total brain function • THEOLOGICAL DEATH: Occurs when soul leaves the body • MEDICAL DEATH: Occurs when functions of human life stop • UNRECEPTIVITY & UNRESPONSIVITY: Irreversible coma • NO MOVEMENTS OR BREATHING: No muscle movement or respiration for at least 1 hour • NO REFLEXES: Pupils fixed and dilated – will not respond to bright lights • FLAT ELECTROENCE PHALGRAM: EEG – no brain waves for a period of time DEATH VOCABULARY • AUTOPSY: Post mortem exam • BEREAVEMENT: Being grieved by the loss of a loved one. • CASKET: Small chest or box (coffin) • COFFIN: A box or chest for burying a corpse • CREMATION: To reduce a dead body to ashes by burning • CREMATORIUM: A furnace for cremation • CRYPT: A chamber or vault wholly or partly underground, a vault under the main floor of a church • DEATH CERTIFICATE: A certificate that certifies the death of a person • DECEASED: No longer living • EMBALM: To treat a dead body so as to protect from decay • EPITAPH: An inscription on or at a tomb or grave in memory of the one buried there • EULOGY: A commendatory formal statement or set oration • EUTHANASIA: The act or practice of killing individuals that are hopelessly sick or injured for reasons of mercy. • FUNERAL HOME: An establishment with facilities for the preparation of the dead for burial or cremation, for the viewing of the body and for funerals. • HEARSE: A vehicle for conveying the dead to the grave • INHERITANCE: The act of coming into possession of something • INTERMENT: The act or ceremony of depositing the dead body in the earth or the tomb. • MAUSOLEUM: Large tomb usually a stone building for places of entombment for dead above the ground. • MORGUE: A place where the bodies of persons found dead are kept until identified and claimed by relatives or are released for burial. • MORTICIAN: Undertaker • MORTUARY: Relating to the burial of the dead • OBITUARY: A notice of a persons death with a short biographical account • PALLBEARERS: People who help to carry the coffin at a funeral • PYRE: A combustible heap for burning a dead body as a funeral vile • REINCARNATION: Rebirth in new bodies or forms of life • SARCOPHAGUS: A stone coffin • TOMB: An excavation in which a corpse is buried • URN: A vessel that is particularly an ornamental vase on a pedestal to preserve the ashes after cremation • VAULT: A burial chamber • WAKE: The watch held over the body of a dread person prior to burial and sometimes accompanied by festivity CULTURES • Jewish: 7 days of restrictions like shaving, working, sex, 11 months pray for parent daily

• Mexico: Dead honored with gifts of food, prayer, nightly vigils VOCABULARY • 1. Bereavement: The response to a loved ones death, including customs, and the grieving process. • 2. Boomerang Generation: Adults who return to family home and live with parents. • 3. Caregiver role: The one who provides the most physical care and decision making. • 4. Duration of Marriage Effect: Accumulation over time of negative factors that affect marital satisfaction. • 5. Empty Nest: When last grown child has left home, usually not associated with mother’s depression. • 6. Family Life Cycle: The families changing roles and relationships at various stages, beginning with marriage and ending with death of a spouse. • 7. Honeymoon Effect: Tendency of newly married couples to overlook problems. • 8. Hospice: A place or program caring for terminally ill, emphasizing patient care and family support. • 9. Identity Bargaining: The process of roles adjustments in a relationship, involving identifying with a role, role validated by others, negotiated with partner • 10. Intermittent Extended Family: Taking into the family other relatives in times of need • 11. Sandwich Generation: Individuals who care for both their own children and aging parents at the same time.