The Art Of

Communication

Professor John Barkai

William S. Richardson School of Law University of Hawaii at Manoa

2515 Dole Street · Honolulu, Hawaii 96822 Phone (808) 956-6546 E-mail: [email protected] Web Page: www2.hawaii.edu/~barkai

Professor John Barkai --- University of Hawaii Law School - Negotiation p. 1 COMMUNICATION for CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Professor John Barkai University of Hawaii School of Law

Professionals spend 75 percent of their day in communication activities.

That time is broken down as follows:

COMMUNICATION TIME

45 % Listening 30 % Speaking 16 % Reading 9 % Writing

Thoughts about listening

1. Listening is undervalued in our society. 2. Most people think they are good listeners. 3. You have two ears and one mouth. That's about the right proportion in which to use them. 4. Because we should listen more than we speak, we should practice it and get very good at it!

THE BASIC PROBLEM IN LISTENING

# 1: I can listen four times faster than you can speak. I guess I must be a genius.

# 2: No. As a matter of fact, you're really quite average. And, you obviously didn't understand what I just said.

Most people think at between 450 and 500 words per minute, but most people can only talk at about 150 words per minute.

The speed difference between listening speed and speaking speed is time most people spend jumping to conclusions, daydreaming, planning a reply, or mentally arguing with the speaker.

- ACTIVE LISTENING AS VERBAL JUDO

From: George Thompson & Jerry Jenkins, Verbal Judo (1993).

This chapter by George Thompson & Jerry Jenkins from their book Verbal Judo (1993) describes fourteen benefits of active listening. Thompson & Jenkins use the word "pharaphrasing" instead of "active listening."

The Only Way to Interrupt People and Still Have Them Love You

One of the most powerful verbal tools I know is Paraphrasing [paraphrasing is what John Barkai calls "active listening"].

To paraphrase, put most simply, is to put another person's meaning into your words and deliver it back to him. If you're taking abuse, you want to somehow intrude so you can make the diatribe a conversation. Then you can cast what you think lies behind his aggressive words (his real point) in your own words (which will be calmer because you're not the emotionally charged one here), and be sure that you have heard it correctly.

When you paraphrase like that, you have actually inserted yet a third person into a two-person dialogue. Suddenly you have not his words with his meaning or your words with your meaning, but your words with his meaning. I'll get into the fourteen reasons why this is so effective, but first, how do you do this? There are two basic steps.

THE SWORD OF INSERTION

This weapon is that single sentence that allows you to cut into a tirade and take control. It's hard to stop people talking. They are upset and they can't be told "Get to the point!" All that will get you is "I am getting to the point! You're not listening." And don't tell people to shut up or to calm down or to let you talk, because they won't shut up, they won't calm down, and they won't let you talk.

So you start with the Sword of Insertion, a wedge into the harangue like "Whoa!"

- or "Listen!" (spoken earnestly, not in anger) or "Wait a second."

THE ULTIMATE EMPATHETIC SENTENCE

Here then is the powerful sentence that will allow you to interrupt anyone without fear of bodily harm: "Let me be sure I heard what you just said."

This simple sentence is so empathetic, so full of conciliation and cooperation, so pregnant with sincerity, that you'll hardly ever see someone let it slide by. What you're saying, in essence, is "Let me be sure I understand you. Let me be sure we're on the same wavelength. Let me be sure I heard that."

You have become the personification of empathy. Everything about that sentence says you're trying to understand. No matter how upset, just about anyone will shut up and listen because she too wants to be sure you heard what she said. In fact, the surer she is that you were not listening, the more likely she is to now hear you out, if only to prove you wrong!

FOURTEEN BENEFITS OF PARAPHRASING

One. Magically, in one sentence, by paraphrasing you've hooked the other person. He's listening. Using the Sword of Insertion with that sentence is the only way I know to interrupt somebody without generating further resistance.

Two. You have taken control because you're talking and he is listening.

Three. You're making sure of what you heard right on the spot, not finding out later you misunderstood.

Four. If you have not heard the person accurately, he can correct you. That fills your pockets with ammunition. The more you know about somebody, the better, and the more he speaks, the more he reveals about his emotions, his prejudices, and his assumptions. That can only help you in deflecting insults, keeping his attention, and generating voluntary compliance.

Five. You have made the other person a better listener, because no one listens harder than he does to his own point of view. You're telling him, "Here's what I hear you saying," and you can bet he wants to hear that.

Six. You've created empathy. The other person will believe you're trying to understand. Whether you really are interested is irrelevant. What's important is that he thinks that you are, and nothing makes him more certain than that Sword of Insertion sentence "Whoa! Let me sure I heard what you just said."

- Seven. Once you have thrust the Sword of Insertion and pronounced the ultimate empathetic sentence, you have gained attention. Then, to effect this seventh benefit of paraphrasing you want to immediately follow up with something like this: "Okay, you are feeling X because of Y, true?" The X equals an emotion, like anger or frustration, and the Y equals a reason. You don't even have to be right. You're guessing at this point. For instance, it might go like this: "Whoa! Listen, let me be sure I understand what you're saying. You're feeling angry because you believe I purposely undermined you in front of your colleagues yesterday at the meeting."

Now the person can correct either the emotion you used for X or the reason you used for Y. He might say, "Well, no, I'm not angry. I'm disappointed." Now you're getting somewhere. Whether he's angry or disappointed will make a difference in where you go from there. Or he might modify X, the reason. "Yeah, I'm angry, but I'm not saying you purposely did it."

Notice that my being right is not the issue. Making the attempt to get it right is the issue, because I'm appearing concerned and it allows the upset person to modify his original statements. And that's the seventh benefit of paraphrasing. He's becoming more reasonable, without your having to vainly shout "Be reasonable!" (which never works).

Eight. Paraphrasing overcomes a strange phenomenon I call "sonic intention." People often think they have said something because they heard themselves say it in their mind, or because they had so carefully rehearsed it. Have you ever argued with your spouse about what was said the night before? You say, "You never said that!" And he or she says, "Oh yes I did!" Those arguments go on and on. What do you learn from this? Bottom line: If people think they said something, they said it, and no amount of argument or evidence will change their minds.

My advice in a situation like that is to give in, because I've tried arguing and I always wound up sleeping in the pickup truck.

Nine. This advantage is to using paraphrasing is that it has a clarifying effect for people standing around. When you're dealing with a difficult person in public, whether in a store or an office or on the street, you don't want to be overheard sounding badly. Remember the ancient principle: Look good, sound good, or no good. Paraphrasing is gentle. It tones down the volume and makes a diatribe a conversation. There should be no condemnation in the completely disinterested voice, the essence of effective paraphrasing. Paraphrasing should make me sound as if I'm trying to work on the problem, rather than react to the problem.

Ten. The tenth advantage of paraphrasing is that it prevents metaphrasing-- which I define as putting words (especially inaccurate ones) into other people's mouths. Metaphrasing is a perversion of paraphrasing.

Too often we're so concerned about what people ought to be saying that we - paraphrase them as we would have said it. That always insults and angers people.

Metaphrasing is useful under only one condition. If you're working as a dispatcher, working the emergency phones, often you have to take control of a verbal encounter and extract information quickly. You'll want to use Step 1 of paraphrasing, the Sword of Insertion, "Whoa! Whoa! Let me be sure I heard what you just said." But then, instead of paraphrasing, move right to metaphrasing. In short, the person never again gets into the encounter except to answer pertinent questions. You're guiding the conversation quickly: "There's somebody in the back of our house? Can you see him? Does he have a weapon? Is he moving? Clarify your address for me again. We have officers on the way. What is the man doing? Can he see you?"

From that point on, the person who might otherwise panic and become hysterical and of no help is giving you information. Though your approach may sound aggressive, it shows tremendous concern. It gives the comforting impression that you are helping, that you are in control. Frightened people usually calm down when they think their crisis is finally being handled by somebody who cares.

I once heard the story of a lady who lived on a street corner where traffic accidents were common. She learned over the years to deal forthrightly with people who were injured or scared. One day a particularly hellacious collision resulted in an old woman being trapped in a car and her son, a middle-aged man, running to the corner house in a panic. "I don't want my mama to die out there," he wailed.

The lady met him at the door with blankets and a bottle of water and information. "I have already called the paramedics and they're on their way," she said. "Keep your mother warm and calm until they get here."

I asked how she knew someone was trapped in a car. "Because he came running. As soon as I heard the collision, I called nine-one-one and grabbed the blankets and the bottle. I knew the first thing out of his mouth would be the nature of the trouble, and I could tell by his face that he was frantic. I figured if I seemed to have things under control and could convince him his loved one needed to be kept calm, he would have to calm down too."

In most other situations metaphrasing does not work well, and paraphrasing is preferable.

Eleven. You can ask for reverse paraphrasing to be sure the other person understands you. If you want to be a better supervisor, or ensure that your children understand you, ask that they paraphrase back to you what they take to be your meaning.

I've found that up to seven of ten people will misread a document and miss the point. More horrifying, eight of ten misunderstand most verbal exchanges. It's easy to talk, but it's hard to listen well. And when you ask someone, "Do you understand what - I've just said?" very few people will admit they missed your point. The key is not to ask for a negative answer. Ask the person to tell you what you said, and you'll get an accurate reading how you've communicated. Remember, the responsibility for the understanding belongs to the speaker, not the listener. Your job is to get through.

Be careful not to condescend by implying that you just know the person will misunderstand. Rather, put the onus on yourself. Ask him to repeat it back to you for your benefit: "To be sure I said what I intended to say, would you give back what you understand the point of this discussion has been?" People will do that, and it safeguards you.

Twelve. You also safeguard yourself by paraphrasing back what your boss or your spouse or children say. It's possible your supervisor may not say exactly what he or she meant. If you don't get it right, are you going to win the argument later? You walk in with a report your boss asked for two weeks before and he hits you with "I told you I needed you in here at ten o'clock so I could have that for my meeting at eleven. This report's worthless now."

You know full well he never said ten o'clock, and you thought you were several hours early with it. Are you going to say, "You never said it had to be to you by ten"?

In the interest of truth, you might try that. But then he or she says, "I most certainly did, and that was the most important part of the assignment. What's the matter with you?" Argue that one, right or wrong, and you're liable to be arguing for the last time. Your only recourse at that point is to say, "I'm sorry. I must not have heard it." If you had paraphrased before you left the office the first time, your boss would have heard either that you missed the time deadline or that he or she forgot to mention it. It would be clarified, and your hard work would eventually pay off.

Don't rely on others to always say what they mean, no matter what their position. Paraphrase it back. That makes you look good, and it ensures a top level of professional work. (Besides, bosses love to hear themselves quoted!)

Thirteen. Paraphrasing has an unusual psychological advantage I call "generating the fair-play response." Whoever you're paraphrasing is almost psychologically forced to play by the same rules and paraphrase you. People will generally treat you the way you treat them. It's kind of the Golden Rule again, applied to communication: Treat others as you would want to be treated under identical circumstances. So if you use paraphrasing, if you work people skillfully, they're apt--even despite their intentions--to give you equal time.

Fourteen. Finally, when you paraphrase, it etches the facts in your mind. If you have to write a report or you're phoning information back to your boss about the facts of a meeting, the paraphrasing reinforces your own memory. Your report, written or oral, will be more concise and more accurate.

Because the amazing tool of paraphrasing provides these fourteen different benefits, you see why I call it the most powerful tool in communication.

- REFRAMING

"It all depends on how you look at it."

- Tom Sawyer

Reframing is the process of changing the meaning of an experience. It could be said that "It all depends on how you look at it." Reframing changes how a person looks at it. Generally, reframing changes a negative framework to a positive framework.

Is the glass half full or half empty? It depends on how you look at it. Tom Sawyer did not have to be a painter because he turned out to be a reframer.

You can reframe something for yourself:

"This isn't a terrible job, it's an opportunity".

When you reframe for yourself, you are choosing to see something in a different way. Assisting others to reframe often involves persuasion.

A therapist's definition of reframing which is useful for our purposes is

changing the emotional setting or viewpoint of situation and placing it in another frame which fits the "facts" equally well, or even better, changes its entire meaning.

Therapists have used reframing techniques to turn problems into assets. They turn a client's negative behavior, thoughts, or feelings into resources. Nothing is imposed or removed. The perception is altered and used for, not against, the client.

- BODY LANGUAGE

In determining the attitude of the speaker, research shows that up to 90 percent of the message is communicated nonverbally.

Pay attention to body language, both theirs and yours.

What is their body saying?

Is it reliable?

What is your body saying to them?

Recognize, however, that nonverbal behavior can be ambiguous. Arms crossed in front of the body may mean that the listener is hostile to the speaker's message or it might just mean that the listener is more comfortable listening with her arms folded.

These days, everyone knows a "little" about body language so watch yours so that you do not inadvertently communicate a negative attitude.

- NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION FROM THE OTHER SIDE: SPEAKING BODY LANGUAGE

John L. Barkai

Excerpt from 27 San Diego L. Rev. 101 (1990)

Nonverbal communication has been a major focus of attention for researchers and practitioners in many different fields for over twenty-five years. Lawyers and businesspeople, however, seem just beginning to awaken to what others have long known - nonverbal behavior is extremely important in determining the nature of communication and the relationship between the communicators.

Everyone has been informally trained since birth in the process of "sending" and "receiving" nonverbal communication. The popular writers refer to these skills of detecting and interpreting nonverbal behavior as "reading body language."

In most of the legal writing about reading nonverbal behavior the general hypothesis has been that by using an analysis of nonverbal behavior, you may be able to determine whether people you are talking to are receptive to you and your message.

While the focus on reading nonverbal behavior is important, it is, at the same time, incomplete. We must be aware that nonverbal communication is a two-way street. If you can read the nonverbal behavior of other people, those other people can also read your body language.

Nonverbal communication can be used during negotiations, mediations, facilitations, and other meetings.

The central idea presented here is that people can consciously "speak" body language by adopting certain body postures. A large amount of empirical research in the fields of counseling and psychotherapy has demonstrated that the body position of the people can significantly affect the relationship between the people. By speaking body language, you can improve rapport and do better in negotiations.

To "speak body language" you should adopt what has been called either an "attending position" or the "postural echo or mirrored position."

- TWO PHYSICAL POSITIONS TO TAKE WHEN YOU WANT TO "SPEAK" BODY LANGUAGE

The SOLER Position:

The easiest to remember description of appropriate nonverbal attending posture is referred to as the SOLER position. SOLER is an acronym for:

1) SQUARELY facing the client, 2) OPEN body position (arms or legs are not crossed), 3) LEAN forward showing attention, 4) EYE contact that is appropriate, and 5) RELAXED body position.

The SOLER posture is a natural, attentive posture that is unrelated to the posture of the client. This posture not only conveys that attitude of openness, but it also puts you in the best possible physical position both to notice important behavior of the other people and to screen out all other distractions. The SOLER posture can be best implemented if the seating is arranged so that there is no desk separating the people.

The Mirrored Position:

The other suggested position is the postural echo or mirrored position. This position depends entirely upon the posture of the other person. You should "echo" the posture of the other person. When two people are in a mirrored position, it is as if there were a mirror between the two. This postural echo is often seen in everyday life and has been the basis of considerable experimental research. The theory behind this technique is that people who are in rapport or who share a common opinion often assume mirrored body positions. Knowing that fact, by taking a mirrored position, agreement can be communicated nonverbally.

Copy their body posture so it looks as if there is a mirror between you. However, do not mirror hand and arm movements or make rapid changes in your position.

- THE BASIC COMMUNICATION LOOP

CODE DECODE

SPEAKER LISTENER

LISTENER SPEAKER

DECODE CODE

- What do you think is one of the most important issues facing Hawaii in the next 10 years?

Tell me more about that.

What do you mean by that?

Can you put that in other words?

How do you feel about that?

What do you mean by ?

Can you be more specific?

How so?

In what way?

That's helpful, keep going.

Humm, hum.

- ACTIVE LISTENING - saying what they just said, elegantly.

Speaker Active Listener Speaker Comments (Instructor) (Student) Continues 1 I had a terrible What I hear you Yeah, that's what I Classic active day today. saying is you had a said. Are you listening. terrible day today. feeling OK today? Uses introductory phrase. Repeats exact words. 2 I had a terrible ... a terrible day? Yeah, nothing went Skips day today. right, and then introductory there was that thing phrase. with my boss. Repeats a few of the exact words. 3 The boss ... blamed by the Yeah, he was going Paraphrased, screamed at boss? on and on about it. but still not a me about complete some sentence. assignment. 4 He was being ... unfairly blaming No, actually it did Speaker unfair. I didn't you? turn out to be my corrects even know fault. But he inaccurate what he was shouldn't have active listener. talking about. acted like that with my co-workers around. 5 How do you ... you are very Of course I am. No Active listening think you disturbed about this. one should have to used instead of would feel if go through answering the that happened something like that. question. to you? 6 [if they go on Wait a minute! Let Active listening and on and on me see if I is used to and on and on] understand you interrupt without correctly. offending.

- Communication Techniques

Open-ended Questions, Follow-up Questions, and Active Listening

Speaker Listener Technique

1. What do you think is one of the most important skills Open-ended for negotiators? Question 2. Ah, I'd say communication skills. Open-ended, 3. Tell me more about that. Follow-up Question 4. Sure. Negotiators need to be able to collect information and to persuade people. Of course they need to communicate to do 5. What do you mean by "collect information?" that. Clarifying 6. Negotiators need to learn information from other people. So negotiators "collect" this information by asking appropriate questions and using other communication techniques. 7. Humm, hum. Passive Listening 8. After they have collected the information they then use it in some way. 9. Can you be more specific? Narrowing 10. Sure. When negotiators learn about the other side's interest, they can use that information during the negotiation. 11. That's helpful, keep going. Facilitator 12. They use techniques like open-ended questions, follow-up questions, clarifying questions, and active listening. 13. How so? Open-ended 14. They use these techniques to gather information from their 15. They collect the information by using these Summarization opponent. techniques? Active Listening 16. Yes, the good communicators collect the information which is Open-ended Question an important foundation for the negotiation. 17. How do you feel about that? Probe for Feelings 18. I think it is one of the most important things that negotiators 19. So you think communication is important, but many Summarization do, and unfortunately, many negotiators neglect these skills. negotiators neglect it? Active Listening 20. Right. Negotiators should realize that good communication 21. Thanks. You have helped me to better understand techniques can help them to be successful, and they should pay your views about communication. And, I hope I have attention to, and practice good communication techniques. helped you demonstrate some of the techniques that you have talked about.

- REFRAMING

Is the glass half full or half empty? "It all depends on how you look at it." - Tom Sawyer

Reframing restating another person's statement to make it less provocative and more productive.

When you reframe for yourself, you are choosing to see something in a different way or from a different perspective. Assisting others to reframe often involves persuasion. Tom Sawyer did not have to be a painter because he turned out to be a great reframer. He convinced his friends that what seemed to be an unpleasant task of painting a fence was really a fun activity worth paying to do.

How can you reframe the following common "couples complaints?"

REFRAMING Negative Statement Reframed She talks too much She's so friendly and puts everyone at ease. He argues so much He has such strong convictions She thinks she knows it all He is so conceited She too easygoing He's so stingy She spends too much money He's too rigid She can never sit still She's too emotional