THE COMPLETE WORLD of SPORTS (Abridged) 8/7/2017

FINAL: The Complete World of Sports (abridged) |

THE COMPLETE WORLD OF SPORTS (abridged) 8/7/2017 By Reed Martin and Austin Tichenor Additional Material by Matt Rippy Broadway Play Publishing Inc

Scene 1: INTRODUCTION

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL SPORTS TRACKER: Shugart TIMELINE ASSISTANTS: Haliburton ATHLETES Losing team: Chris, Zane Loser: Sam Winning team: Collin, Isaac Winner: Gabriel

(Lights up on the Sportscasters around round table.)

LOGAN: It has come down to this.

LUCAS: The time is now.

MASON: There is no tomorrow.

JONATHON: Never before in the history of athletic competition have so many champions from so many sports competed on the same stage.

JOSH: Every sport in the history of the world, from archery to wrestling—

LOGAN: From basketball to bocce ball—

JONATHON: From championship chess to professional ping-pong—

MASON: And everything in-between.

LOGAN: I’m Logan Wright.

JONATHON: I’m Jonathan Erwin.

MASON: I’m Mason Doyle.

LUCAS: I’m Lucas Gleitz. 2

JOSH: I’m Josh Sanders.

LOGAN: We’re broadcasting live from the studios of Xaverian Entertainment and Sports System-- XESS

MASON--or “excess” as we like to call it

LOGAN: —in beautiful almost-downtown Louisville. Tonight you will witness the ultimate spectacle—

LUCAS: The granddaddy of them all—

MASON: El chalupa mas grande—

JONATHON: The Super World Masters Series Grand Prix Bowl Sudden Death Trifecta Cup Complete Sports Abridgeathon.

JOSH: Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s unprecedented live theatrical sporting event.

LOGAN: We’re going to attempt to reduce every sport ever played in the history of the world. From the Neanderthals who first hit a rock with a stick—

LUCAS: To the Neanderthals like ______(insert name of an athlete in the news for stupid behavior on or off the field). Ladies and gentlemen, in tonight’s 90-minute broadcast, you’re going to see—by our very rough estimate—3,477.3 sports reduced on this very stage.

JONATHON: Our Complete Sports Abridgeathon is just about to get under way. Our goal tonight is simple: cover every single sport ever played on every continent in the entire history of the world in under 90 minutes. No pressure. Let’s go over to Alex Shugart who will explain the scoring system. Alex?

(SHUGART stands next to the time line.)

SPORTS TRACKER/SHUGART: Thanks, Jonathan. If you’ll take a look at our ______(local sponsor) Sports tracker, you’ll see we’ve spared every expense. (Haliburton uses a laser pointer to indicate what she’s talking about.) We’ve got our work cut out for us. We’ve got to cover sports in nine categories, from seven continents, and the entire history of sports from the dawn of time to this moment. Or—as we demonstrate with this timeline, from Then—

(Panels on the wall in front of the stage platform represent the different historical periods, reading from Right to Left: Now, 20th Century, 1776, Renaissance, Romans, Greeks, and Cave Dwellers, Then.)

--To Now. All of which will lead up to our attempt to cover the world’s most challenging and all- encompassing sporting event—and my personal favorite—the Olympics Games.

JONATHON: But right now is a beautiful night for a ballgame here in the ‘Ville. The pre-game banter is just about over. I have strapped on my game voice, so we’re just waiting now for the athletes to burst out of the tunnels— 3

(ZANE, SAM, CHRIS, ISAAC, GABRIEL, COLLIN run down the aisles onto the stage. Each wears an outfit from a different sport. They start warming up in a fashion required by their sport: stretches, bounces, etc. MASON—with a mic-- moves onto the stage.)

MASON: These athletes have been training literally minutes for this. We’ll begin tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon with the traditional coin toss. (Pulls a coin out of his pocket.) Sam, you played Magic: The Gathering in high school—that makes you the biggest loser. Here’s your heads. Here’s your tails. Call it in the air.

LOSER/BELZA: Heads.

MASON: (Doesn’t even toss the coin.) Tails it is. Gabriel, you win the toss. You can elect to start the game either historically or geographically.

WINNER/ GABRIEL: I want to start it historically, Mason.

MASON: Historically it is. Now come together, everyone. I want a fast match, players. Lots of good clean abridgment, plenty of jokes below the belt, and may the odds be ever in your favor. (Players cheer and run off.)

Since Gabriel elected to start the game historically, we’ll take you all the way back now to the beginning of time and a report from our colleague, OokOok the Caveman. Ookie?

(OOKIE/KRAMER enters, wearing a caveman outfit underneath a sports coat. He has a wild wig and beard. He speaks normally, into his microphone. Cave Dweller light lights up on sign.) 4

SCENE 2: CAVE DWELLERS

REPORTER ON THE SPOT (OOKIE): Kramer INSTANT MESSENGER: Haliburton CAVEMAN: Zach CAVEMAN 2: Adams TEDDY BEAR: Gabriel HEADLESS CAVE DWELLER: Isaac BEAST 2: Sam VANNA WHITE: Shugart

ALL SPORTSCASTERS AT SPORTS DESK.

(OOKIE –in a caveman costume--goes to the Stage Left Platform.)

REPORTER ON THE SPOT (OOKIE)/KRAMER: Thanks, Mason. The Evolution of Sports has been a central part of our daily activity ever since humankind’s evolution into the magnificent specimens you see before you.

(CAVEMAN 1/ZACH and CAVEMAN 2/Adams walks in wearing a caveman outfit and carrying a club. He whistles “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.”)

After we emerged as bipedal life forms from the primordial ooze—

INSTANT MESSENGER/HALIBURTON: (Entering.) Sorry, Ookook. Somebody just sent us a Tweet.

REPORTER ON THE SPOT (OOKIE)/KRAMER: Who?

INSTANT MESSENGER/HALIBURTON: (Comparing the Twitter profile on his phone with someone in the audience.) Looks like that guy in row ______.

REPORTER ON THE SPOT (OOKIE)/KRAMER: (Reading Tweet.) He’s objecting to the fact that I said the word evolution?

INSTANT MESSENGER/HALIBURTON: That’s what he said.

REPORTER ON THE SPOT (OOKIE)/KRAMER: Okay, Kentucky. Humankind and Sports were “intelligently designed” at the same time. These earliest of sports fell into two of the nine known categories. The first was “Fastest and Strongest.”

(POINTER SR moves FASTEST AND STRONGEST chart.)

If a cave dweller was walking along, minding his business and a bear suddenly attacked—

(TEDDY BEAR/GABRIEL walks in with a cute toy bear. He growls once and chases CAVEMEN in a circle.) 5

Boom! We invented the marathon. If fact, back in the day, you couldn’t swing a dead sabre tooth tiger without inventing a new sport.

(BEAST 2/BELZA enters with dinosaur hand puppet, roars, and begins to chase CAVEMEN and TEDDY BEAR. TEDDY BEAR falls down, and BEAST and CAVEMEN keep jumping over him in the pursuit.)

Hurdles.

Swimming.

(CAVEMAN 1 starts to swim. CAVEMAN 2/ADAMS enters and begins to swim clumsily.)

Apparently, one really uncoordinated cave dweller invented the butterfly. And of course, the club came in very handy. Just the mere act of self-protection and daily survival created Category #2, “Stick and Ball” sports such as golf—

(CAVEMAN 1 hits a rock with his club like a golf ball. POINTER SR moves BALL & STICK marker.))

Ice hockey—

(CAVEMAN 2 uses club like a hockey stick.)

Tennis—

(CAVEMEN hit the rock as if they were playing tennis.)

And when attacked by a predator or tribal enemy, we invented baseball--

(ISAAC in a long cape with his own head hidden under the cape and carrying a fake head on top runs out. CAVEMAN 1 swings at him with his club and knocks his head off. ISSAC runs off, leaving the fake head )

And soccer!

(The two CAVEMEN begin kicking the head around like a soccer ball.)

SCENE 3A: ANTARCTICA

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL SPORTS TRACKER: Shugart HOMER: Kramer ANTARCTIC REPORTER: Collin MILO : Sam

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Thank you, Ookie. (Gets an update on ear piece.) Let’s go to Greece where we have an update from our reporter on the spot, Homer. (KRAMER enters on platform left.)

HOMER/KRAMER: Thanks, Josh. Dateline 753 B.C. (GREEKS lights up on timeline) As I reported in The Iliad, The Simpsons, and The Odyssey, the Greeks participated in such ancient sports as the javelin, discus throwing, and nude wrestling.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Which is now a felony except in Las Vegas. Thanks, Homer. Now let’s go to our [local sponsor] Sports Tracker to see how we’re doing so far.

SPORTS TRACKER/SHUGART: It looks like we’ve touched upon Category One—Fastest and Strongest— and Two—Ball and Stick sports. (SHUGART moves to timeline.) And we talked about the invention of sports back “Then.” (THEN lights up) But since we started historical, we now go geographic—to our roving reporter, Collin Kemper. Collin? (COLLIN and MILO enter on stage right platform. POINTER L moves ANTARCTICA.)

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Thanks, Alex. . I’m standing here with legendary Antarctic athlete Milo Freezamoff. Thanks for joining us, Milo.

MILO/SAM: (Shivering.) You’re w-welcome.

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: You’re the champ in the most prominent Antarctic sport. What’s that called?

MILO/SAM: Surviving.

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Antarctic athletes don’t get the respect they deserve in the sports community. Tell the world what you do down here.

MILO: Skiing, snowboarding. This year we added competitive name-writing in the snow. It’s a men’s only sport. There used to be dog-sledding. . .until we had to eat the dogs.

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Rough. How’s it going?

MILO/SAM: There used to be six of us, but now it’s just me and Nico. (He looks around.) Nico? Nico?!? 7

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Congratulations, Milo. You’re the last survivor. Any final words?

MILO/SAM: Nico was a terrible cook. . .and hopefully a delicious entrée. (Exiting.) Nico?

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Well, there you have it from Antarctica. Over to you, Josh. 8

SCENE 3B: ROME

SPORTSCASTER: All ROMAN REPORTER: KRAMER ARCHER: LUKE IRISH MAN: Collin STUDLIEST MINIMUS: ZACH DORKUS MAXIMUS: ADAMS GLADIATORS: Gabriel, Chris, Kramer

(A particularly martial or gladiator fight song plays.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Dateline 117 A.D. The Roman Empire.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: The greatest empire in the history of empires.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: It rose.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: It fell.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: It struck back.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: The Romans took the bows and arrows the Cavemen used for hunting and turned them into the art and skill of archery.

(ARCHER/LUKE in Roman garb enters with bow and arrow and shoots and arrow into the wings. Exits.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: The Romans used bows and arrows not just for recreation, but also for sustenance.

(ARCHER/LUKE enters with an arrow through a bag of McDonald’s food.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: But nowadays the Roman athletes we remember most are the gladiators. To give you an idea of what it was like, we take you all the way back now to the Roman circus and a report from our colleague, Studliest Minimus. Studly? (In Roman garb, STUDLIEST/ZACH strides on with a toy sword and shield. GLADIATORS come on with him.)

STUDLIEST/ZACH: All right, gladiators, listen up. I’m gonna teach you how to survive in the Roman Circus. First off, you need a sword and shield to protect your mid-section—

(DORKUS MAXIMUS bounds on dressed as a gladiator clown.)

DOKUS/ADAMS: Hello, boys and girls. I’m Dorkus Maximus and I’m here to show you how to have fun at the Roman Circus. 9

STUDLIEST/ZACH : Stop it! (To GLADIATORS.) Listen, the first thing you need—

DORKUS/ ADAMS: (Copying him.) Listen, the first thing you need—

STUDLIEST/ ZACH: Knock it off.

DORKUS/ ADAMS: Knock it off.

STUDLIEST/ ZACH: Stop copying me.

DORKUS/ ADAMS: Stop copying me. (STUDLIEST/ ZACH charges DORKUS with sword and shield.) Stop! Stop and smell the roses. (He squirts STUDLIEST/ADAMS with the flower he’s wearing. A GLADIATORS chase SAM off.) 10

SCENE 4: Meet the Audience

SPORTSCASTERS : Logan, Lucas, Jonathan, Mason, Josh

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon is a massive undertaking, but don’t worry, we’ll guide you through it.

Our broadcast team has been specially chosen to give you the complete world of sports expertise. I’m the bookish intellectual whose wimpy demeanor masks a deceptively detailed understanding of the complexities of the game.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: I’m the ex-jock turned sportscaster with extensive insider knowledge of the game, which I’m unable to articulate.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: And I’m the telegenic eye-candy who’ll just sit here and look pretty.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Some of you are probably wondering, “Why? Why a Complete Sports Abridgeathon?” Well, for me it’s about the competition, the courage, the blood, sweat, and tears. Sports are a drama played out daily by men and women, adults and kids, pros and amateurs, the world over.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Lucas, for me sports are a study in anthropology. Everyone knows about soccer and basketball, but I’m more fascinated by the more esoteric sports—curling, snooker, dwarf-tossing—and what they can teach us about different cultures.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: And I watched the Super Bowl once. That Janet Jackson had a helluva game.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: That’s good, Jonathan. But, seriously, what is your favorite sport?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: That would be swimming, Lucas. One season I played little league baseball until my coach told me the only thing holding me back was my complete lack of skill and coordination. I got skills! I got coordination (He knocks over something on the desk.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Your father should have given the coach hell.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: My dad was the coach.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You know, guys, huge sporting events like this always bring out the celebrities, and tonight is no exception. If we could bring up the lights here in the arena, perhaps we could see what famous faces are joining us tonight in beautiful almost-downtown Louisville. Lights come up in the house.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Let’s turn it over to Mason Doyle who is out there with the spectators. 11

(SPORTSCASTER/MASON asks different audience members to stand up and be recognized. A bald, older man with a short beard can be Sigmund Freud. A child can be a jockey such as Willie Shoemaker. Just pick out people who look vaguely like any celebrity and introduce them as such. MASON then moves to sports desk. )

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Wow. It is literally a night of a dozen stars here tonight, isn’t it, Logan?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN : Yes, it’s like a Laker game, but thankfully without the Kardashians.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Yes, we dodged a bullet there. (Hears something on his earbud.) I’m just getting word that we have a report coming in now from the North Pole. Buddy, over to you. 12

SCENE 5: BASEBALL

SPORTSCASTERS : JONATHAN, JOSH, LOGAN, MASON, LUCAS BUDDY THE ELF: GABRIEL FANTASY REPORTER : Colllin TECHIE: Gabriel SPOCK: Zane GROOT: Isaac OBI-WAN: Adams

(Lights go up on Slipping, Sliding, & Falling Sports.)

BUDDY/GABRIEL: Thanks, Lucas. I’m up here at the North Pole where the finals of the Winter Sports are taking place. The Free ski competition started well, but it was all downhill from there. In other news, there was a nasty scene in the Women’s Final Luge competition when World Luge Champion, Ima Yetee fell off her sled and was disqualified. At the medal ceremonies, Ima attacked the gold medalist and tried to pull off her medal.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Wow, Buddy. None of us expected Ima to be such a sore lu-ger. (If the audience doesn’t get it, he repeats—Luger-Loser. Get it?)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Thanks, Buddy. We turn now to baseball, the great American—(JOSH collapses. This should be played as if it’s really happening.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Dude, you okay? (They help SPORTSCASTER 1 up).

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: That was weird. I’m fine. Go on.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: We should stop.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: No, no. I’ll be fine.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Anyway, as I was saying, baseball is American’s. . . (JOSH collapses again. They rush to his side and mumble-confer. The audience should really have to lean forward to hear what’s being said. A TECHIE/GABRIEL runs in through pit door.)

TECHIE/GABRIEL: Should we call someone?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: No, no. . .

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: What does it feel like right before it happens?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: It doesn’t feel like anything. It’s just suddenly I’m asleep.

TECHIE: What were you doing right before it happened?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: I wasn’t doing anything. I was sitting here and Logan was talking. . .

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: I was introducing the baseball sketch. (JOSH collapses again.) 13

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: (Realizing.) Dude, you can’t mention baseball. (JOSH snores.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Josh, wake up! You fell asleep when I was talking about—

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Don’t!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Why? (TECHIE edges off.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: I hated that game! It’s so boring!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: (Shocked.) Baseball isn’t boring! (JOSH almost falls asleep again, but he fights it and stays awake.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Logan, you’ve got to admit that baseball is a little boring.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Like Star Trek! (LOGAN falls asleep. The others help him up.) You okay?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Yeah. Sorry.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Explain to me why base—(struggling not to lose consciousness)—that game-that- shall-not-be-named isn’t boring.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: It isn’t. You’ve got the pitcher staring down the batter like two gunfighters. . .

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And eight other guys standing around doing nothing.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Not if he gets a hit.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Then maybe two guys get to do something.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: On a double-play, three! There’s a lot going on in baseball that you can’t see.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Yeah, but I like a sport where there’s stuff going on that I can see!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You don’t get it.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Oh, I get it. What’s the most exciting thing that can happen in a baseball game?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: A no-hitter.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Exactly! The most exciting thing that happens is when nothing happens! I’m sorry, but baseball sucks!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You’re so wrong. Baseball does not suck. Baseball is. . .(he starts to weep). . .gimme a minute.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Are you crying?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: No.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: There’s no crying in—

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: I know. 14

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: I’m sorry. I know how you feel. I feel the same way about sci-fi fantasy.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Sci-fi? I hate that geeky crap.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Wait a second. You hate geeky crap?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Yeah.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Aren’t you in a fantasy baseball league?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: No.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Oh.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I’m in three fantasy baseball leagues.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Dude, you’re a super geek.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I am not! (He starts to hyper-ventilate).

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Yes, you are.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: I bet you’ve even got bobble-headed action figures.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Yeah, and mint condition rookie cards in plastic sleeves.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: So?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: So you’re like Dungeons and Dragons-level geek.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Stop! (Getting angry.) I am not a geek. (Out of breath, he takes out his inhaler and sucks in a blast. Seeing the expressions of the others, he hikes up his pants ridiculously high—like a geek—and runs off.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: (Calling after him.) That’s right. Own it! (COLLIN enters on mainstage.)

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN: Stardate 63827.5. Good evening and welcome to the Fantasy Baseball Championship League, featuring “Derek Jeters Never Win” going up against “Resistance Is Futile,” an all-star line-up of Wookies, Ewoks, Klingons, and Futons. Joining me now is the starting pitcher for “Resistance Is Futile,” High Commander Spock. Hi, Commander Spock.

SPOCK/ZANE: (Flashes the Vulcan V) I am and always shall be your friend.

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : What do you call critics who say a Vulcan lacks the emotion to take it to the next level?

SPOCK/ZANE: Illogical. We Vulcans control our emotions so we can open up many wounds that will live long and fester. (Exits.)

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : With us now is the clean-up hitter for “Resistance Is Futile” -- the last remaining member of the Flora Colossi. Come on and root and toot for Groot! (GROOT enters.) Groot, what do you think your chances are today?

GROOT/ISAAC: I am Groot. 15

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : Do you have any surprise moves in store?

GROOT/ISAAC: I am Groot.

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : Well, that certainly gives us a different perspective on the game. Oh, here’s a surprise: legendary Jedi warrior Obi-Wan Kenobi has been named manager of “Resistance Is Futile.” Just moments ago, “Derek Jeters Never Win” won the roll of the twenty- sided die and have elected to bat first.

OBI-WAN/GABRIEL: (Waving his hand like Obi-wan.) They will take the field first.

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : They will take the field first. By Grabthar’s hammer, “Resistance Is Futile” are trying to reverse the space-time continuum by sending Cylon skin jobs to fire up the flux- capacitator.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: But here’s the 3-2 split-finger from C C Sabathia (or any other famous baseball player.) and he strikes out Jar-Jar Binks! “Derek Jeters Never Win” wins the pennant!

OBI-WAN/GABRIEL: (Waving his hand again.) “Resistance Is Futile” wins the pennant.

FANTASY REPORTER/COLLIN : “Resistance Is Futile” wins the pennant. Geeks rule!

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Now that’s the kind of baseball I like.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: (Re-entering.) Yeah, I was really worried you were going to mention cricket. (All collapse, unconscious.) 16

SCENE 6: SOCCER

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL Cheerleaders: Zach, Haliburton, Shugart SOCCER STAR: BELZA SOCCER TEAM: LUKE, CHRIS, James Kramer Comedian

(Sound of a vuvuzela. MASON, LOGAN, JOSH run off as LUCAS and JONATHAN take their seats at the desk).)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to World Cup Soccer.

The Players are now taking the field. (SOCCER PLAYERS come on the mainstage.) The World Cup has made some rule changes in an attempt to make soccer more appealing to Americans. One new rule is that on the opening kick, the goalie is no longer allowed to stop the ball.

SPORTSCASTER 2/JONATHAN: And here is our opening kick--

(SOCCER STAR kicks the ball into the wings, and the TEAM runs off.)

AMERICA SCORES!

SPORTSCASTER 2/LOGAN : And here come the celebrity cheerleaders for America. (HALIBURTON/LAWRENCE, SHUGART/KARDASHIAN, AND ZANE/KANYE run onto the platform.) Lucas, is that Louisville’s own Jennifer Lawrence?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Right, LOGAN. She’s doing kicks right next to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. (THREE STARS DO A ROUTINE)

SPORTSCASTER 2/JONATHAN: Lucas, explain to me why America is playing against the U.S.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Soccer is taking its cue from baseball now, Jonathan. From now on, like the World Series, the World Cup will feature only North American teams. (POINTER SR moves the North American chart.)

SPORTSCASTER 2/JONATHAN: Good thinking, Lucas.

(SOCCER TEAM re-enters and sets the ball down. A whistle blows.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Uh-oh. Offsides has been called by referee ______(Famous comedian) Since America was called, the U.S. will get a free kick!

(SOCCER STAR kicks the ball into the wings.)

SPORTSCASTER 2/JONATHAN: Eschuce belamente boomba boomba boomba Goal! 17

The-U.S.-ties-the-game. (The ball rolls on, and it is set up.)

SPORTSCASTER 2/LOGAN: America’s going to love soccer now, Lucas. America versus America games, celebrity cheerleaders—

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: And famous comedians as refs—what will they think of next?

(Sounds of gunfire. All ACTORS duck to protect themselves. LUCAS runs off.)

SPORTSCASTER 2/JONATHAN: (Calls.) Handguns, Lucas. Americans love their weapons.

(SOCCER STAR shoots at the ball. The ball flies into the wings—pulled off-stage with an invisible fishing line.)

He shoots! He scores! (Cheering, the Soccer players and the Sportscasters run off.) 18

SCENE 7: ASIAN SPORTS

JAPAN REPORTER: Halliburton ELIZABETHAN REPORTER: Kramer

(Japanese music plays. HALIBURTON enters on platform. Light up on Asia.)

JAPANESE REPORTER/Halliburton: I’m in Asia—the world’s largest continent. On the Eastern side of Asia lies the country of Japan, whose national sport—is played by athletes who are morbidly obese. That’s right—Japan’s national sport is baseball! (Sound of ball hitting the bat is heard) Over to you, James.

(KRAMER enters on the platform)

ELIZABETHAN SPORTS GUY/ KRAMER: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears for the Elizabethan Sports Report. Dateline 1603—(consults the parchment)—In the NBL—National Bear-baiting League—Bears literally killed the Bulldogs, five to nil. In Falconry, former Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick also literally killed bulldogs. There’s been a lopsided deal in the equestrian world with Richard III trading his kingdom for a horse. All’s well did not end well for Ophelia who failed her swimming trials. And it was much ado about nothing for Lady Macbeth at the Westminster Dog Show when her dog Spot was thrown out. Damn, Spot. And now, let’s head back to our studio. 19

SCENE 8: GREATEST SPORTS FILM OF ALL TIME.

SCRIPTWRITERS: Collin, Kramer KID: Josh BULLIES: Zach, Mason, Gabriel, Zane GARDENER: Sam GIRLFRIEND: Shugart LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM: Isaac, Chris, Shugart ALCOHOLIC COACH: Zane FARMER: Mason DEAD BASEBALL PLAYERS: Isaac, Sam, Zach, Zane, JUMPING-IMPAIRED WHITE MEN: Sam, Zach, Adams FATHER: Gabriel RASTAFARIANS: Shugart, Luke, Chris, Isaac BOXER: Gabriel CLINT EASTWOOD: Isaac WOLVES: Luke, Chris, Adams NASA WOMEN: Shugart, Haliburton YOUNG CLARK KENT: ZACH CADDY: Sam OSCAR PRESENTER: HALIBURTON

SCRIPTWRITER/KRAMER: Ladies and gentlemen, the single greatest sports movie of all time.

SCRIPTWRITER/COLLIN: A young boy from New Jersey

(JOSH enters.) moves to California (Someone tosses him sunglasses which he puts on.) where he doesn’t fit in (BULLIES walk past him and mock him. GIRLFRIEND stays behind.)

and gets beaten up by bullies when he talks to one of their girlfriends. (GIRLFRIEND moves up to him, and then the BULLIES beat him up and stead his sunglasses.)

SCRIPTWRITER/KRAMER: An elderly Japanese gardener jumps into the fray, (SAM jumps in.) beats up the bullies, (SAM beats up the bullies) then teaches the boy the power of non-violence so he can beat the crap out of people. (Wax on and off?)

The gardener dies, (SAM has heart attack and dies—he is dragged off by two techies.) 20

and the boy is recruited to play on a sad sack Little League team (Little League team runs in.)

by an alcoholic coach who hates kids. (ZANE recruits him.)

SCRIPTWRITER/COLLIN: Meanwhile, down the road a struggling—apparently schizophrenic corn farmer hears voices in his head telling him to build a baseball diamond in the middle of the cornfield. (MASON hears voices.)

Soon a series of impossible events occur—dead ballplayers arrive, (DEAD BALL PLAYERS walk past giving the FARMER slaps on the hands.)

the famer plays catch with his long-deceased father, (FATHER and FARMER toss a ball once.)

he discovers white men can’t jump, (WHITE GUYS run in, try to jump, and fall all over themselves)

and four Rastafarians slide in on a toboggan. (In dreadlock caps, toboggan whirls across stage.)

SCRIPTWRITER/KRAMER: Across the country in Philadelphia, a washed-up boxer gets a shot at the heavyweight title through a series of far-fetched coincidences. (BOXER runs into pit.)

The boxer runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, (Runs up steps to main stage)

shouts—

BOXER/GABRIEL: Show me the Monet!

SCRIPTWRITER/KRAMER: –and wins an Oscar. (HALIBURTON presents the Oscar.)

SCRIPTWRITER/COLLIN: The boxer (moves to center stage),

the famer, (moves to center stage),

and the kid (moves to center stage),

all train together by running on the beach in slow motion to an inspirational song. (They run in slow motion to theme from Chariots of Fire.)

Inspired by the drunken coach, (The coach strikes an inspirational pose.)

the baseball team wins the championship, (Sound as KID hits final ball)

and the team rejoices. (Quick cheer.)

but the kid is stricken with an incurable debilitating disease. (He staggers and falls.)

He gives a moving speech, saying— 21

KID/JOSH: I’m the luckiest guy on the face of the earth—

SCRIPTWRITER/COLLIN: –and is promptly euthanized by Clint Eastwood. (EASTWOOD enters and draws a gun.)

CLINT/ISAAC: Make my day! (He shoots him and drags out the body.)

SCRIPTWRITER/KRAMER: But the crazy famer dances with wolves, (WOLVES run on ond dance with him.) learns to play golf, (Swings a golf club—sound of golf ball being hit.)

tells young Clark Kent to suppress his super-powers, (KENT runs in and FARMER indicates a cut sign to him.) and then goes on to help launch the first U.S sports team into space. (HALIBURTON and SHUGART run on dressed like the women in Hidden Figures. Sound of rocket being launched into space.

SCRIPTWRITER/COLLIN: Cut and wrap!

(LOGAN, LUCAS, and JONATHAN walk back onto the mainstage with mics in their hands.) 22

SCENE 9A: SECOND INNING STRETCH

SPORTSCASTERS: LOGAN, LUCAS, JONATHAN

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: Ohh, and that buzzer means that’s the end of the first quarter of tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon. Logan, that was a pretty fast first quarter. How do you think it’s going so far?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: (If something unusual happens in the performance, he mentions it, but otherwise just goes with the lines as written.) Well, it’s a quiet ______(day of the week) night crowd, but these things happen and you gotta play through it.

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: Yes, you do. Thanks, Logan

SPORTSCASTER/ LOGAN: Jonathan Erwin, this is an important game for you tonight. Can you tell us why?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Well, it’s no secret that I know diddlysquat about sports, so I’m just hoping to take it one play at a time, learn what I can, and hopefully work through some deep-seated daddy issues.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Okay. Well, good luck with that.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Thanks, Logan. (Exits. The Screen lowers.)

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our second inning stretch.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: And you know what that means. We need all of you to rise to your feet and join us in singing a very quick version of the traditional “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” We need everyone to rise up, rise to your feet, and sing along.

(There is a slow musical intro, and then they sing very quickly. The whole song takes about twelve seconds.)

ALL: TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME, TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD. BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKER JACK. I DON’T CARE IF I NEVER GET BACK

‘CAUSE IT’S ROOT, ROOT, ROOT FOR ST. X IN BEAUTIFUL ALMOST DOWNTOWN LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY. IF THEY DON’T WIN IT’S A SHAME. ‘CAUSE IT’S ONE, TWO, THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT AT THE OLD BALL GAME. Hey! 23

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Thank you very much. Have a seat. (Buzzer sounds.) And that buzzer means the second quarter of tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon is under way. (He blows a whistle and makes a ref’s gesture to start the clock, and exits.) 24

SCENE 9B (formerly 17): AUSTRALIA

SPORTSCASTER:LUCAS BRUCE: Gabriel

This will be taped beforehand and shown on the drop-down screen.

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: We continue our globe-trotting examination of sports from all seven continents by taking a look at the sports of Australia. Joining me now via satellite is Bruce McHairy. Hi, Bruce.

(BRUCE/GABRIEL is in the frame of a giant TV screen. He looks as if he’s upside down, framed in a monitor.)

BRUCE/GABRIEL: G’day, Mate!

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: You look like you’re upside down.

BRUCE/GABRIEL: So do you, mate.

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: Fair enough. What can you tell us about native Australian sports?

BRUCE/GABRIEL: Before all our criminal ancestors were shipped here from Britain, Australia was populated by Aborigines who played such traditional sports as rope skipping and boomerang throwing. I’m feeling a little light-headed.

SPORTSCASTER/ LOGAN: Yes, you’re looking a little flushed. I understand some of these native sports have unusual names. For instance, what can you tell us about goobooboodoo?

BRUCE/GABRIEL: Goobooboodoo was a traditional competition between rival family clans who would grease themselves up and wrestle. Today goobooboodoo is only played in certain clubs in Las Vegas.

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: Is it true that in Australia everyone runs around in shorts and sandals?

BRUCE/GABRIEL: Crikey, no. It does get cold down here in the winter.

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: So what to you wear to keep warm?

BRUCE/GABRIEL: Down undies. (Faints.) Ooooh. . .

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: There you have it from Australia. 25

SCENE 10: FOOTBALL

TOWN CRIER: CHANGE TO MASON FOOTBALL COACH: ADAMS FOOTBALL PLAYERS : Kemper, Kramer, Barnett, Mundt, Zach, Belza, Chris, Hall, Raley

(Hamilton music. TOWN CRIER/MASON enters on platform in a tricorn and carrying a scroll. He gestures for music to stop.)

TOWN CRIER/MASON: Hear ye, hear ye. This just in. Dateline 1776. Colonists taking Native American sport of Lacrosse as their own. Also taking Native American land as their own. And now, back to our tour around the Complete World of Sports.

(HALIBURTON enters on the opposite side of the platform.)

INSTANT MESSENGER/HALIBURTON: Alexander, I’m getting word we have an XESS News Flash coming in now. March Madness update. The NCAA has announced that is men’s basketball tournament will remain at only sixty-eight teams this year, not the ninety-six teams previously thought. This dashes the tournament hopes of both the University of Phoenix Online and Louisville’s Sullivan College. (Football crowd noises. FOOTBALL COACH enters with PLAYERS. COACH carries a rolled-up playbook. POINTER SR moves the warfare sports category.)

FOOTBALL COACH/ADAMS: All right, gentlemen. Get in here. Gather around. Take a knee, fellas. Listen up. Nobody comes into our house and pushes us around. Unfortunately, out there is the first half, that’s exactly what our opponents did. They came into our house and—(FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN raises a hand.) Yeah?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Sir, they didn’t come into our house. They came into our stadium. My house is in ______.

FOOTBALL COACH: Look, I’m just reading what it tells be to say here in the Coach’s Cliché handbook. Now, as I was saying, not only did they come into our house and push us around, they rearranged the furniture, went through our drawers, and put our wife’s underwear on their heads. (FOOTBALL PLAYER 1 raises a hand.) Yeah?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: I don’t have a wife, sir.

FOOTBALL COACH: I know that, son.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 2/KRAMER: And he’s not your son.

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes, I got that. Thank you. Now, do you know what this team needs?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 3/SAM: Some good players? 26

FOOTBALL COACH: True. But what I was looking for is heart. We just don’t have heart.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 2/KRAMER: I have a heart.

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes, I know—

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Me, too. (The OTHER PLAYERS all start affirming they have hearts.)

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes, I get that—

FOOTBALL PLAYER 4/ZACH: Otherwise, we’d be dead.

FOOTBALL COACH: Well, you did look kinda corpse-like out there. But my point is, you gotta want it, ladies. You gotta want it bad.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 5/CHRIS: Sir, we’re not ladies.

FOOTBALL COACH: I know—

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: And it’s “badly.”

FOOTBALL COACH: What?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Badly. You gotta want it badly.

FOOTBALL COACH: What did I say?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: “Bad.” But the correct English is ‘badly.” It’s an adverb, a part of speech that modifies a verb, often formed by simply adding “l-y” to the adjective.

FOOTBALL COACH: Thank you, Shakespeare.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 6/GABRIEL: Sir, his name’s not Shakespeare.

FOOTBALL COACH: Is that a fact, Einstein?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 6/GABRIEL: And my name’s not—

FOOTBALL COACH: Stop it! I don’t know what went wrong out there. I wanted it bad—(FOOTBALL PLAYER/COLLIN clears his throat.)—ly. . .and it says in the Coach’s Cliché Handbook that the team that wants it most wins. (A beat.) Which doesn’t make any sense at all now that I think about it. The team that scores the most points wins.

FOOTBALL PLAYER/CHRIS: Right.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 7/ZANE: Yeah, that makes sense. 27

FOOTBALL COACH: You know what—forget about that. Forget about winning and losing.

FOOTBALL PLAYER/SAM: Sir, we forgot about winning a long time ago.

FOOTBALL COACH: Great! You’re halfway there. (Players high-five.) Forget about the standings. Forget about the crowd—what’s left of them. Just go out there and play. Play like you’ve never played before. So, offensive line, that means you’re gonna have to step it up now. ____ can’t complete passes lying on his back. Although, to be fair, even on a good day he couldn’t hit the ocean from the beach.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 4/ZACH: Sir, I could definitely hit the ocean from the beach.

FOOTBALL COACH: It’s a metaphor.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 5/ISAAC: I don’t think that’s a metaphor, sir.

FOOTBALL PLAYER/KRAMER: It’s more like a figure of speech.

FOOTBALL COACH: Stop interrupting! This is not a democracy. All those in favor? (ALL raise hands.) Good. At least that’s settled. (Reacts to the audience. Usually only a few of them get it.) Thank you, three people who got my joke.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 3/SAM: See, what happened was, he said it wasn’t a democracy, and then we voted. (Scolds the audience.) You’re gonna wake up at three a.m. and tell yourself that’s a darn good joke.

FOOTBALL COACH: You can tell the good ones. Those are the ones we don’t have to explain. (A beat. FOOTBALL PLAYER/KRAMER raises his hand.) Yes?

FOOTBALL PLAYER/KRAMER: Sir, can we get back to the scene, please?

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes, all right, gentlemen—(A long beat as FOOTBALL COACH tries to remember where they were. FOOTBALL PLAYER 1 raises his hand.) What?

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Sir, do you have any idea where we are in the show, sir.

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes!

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Because you were doing a remarkable job of looking like you did not.

FOOTBALL COACH: They didn’t laugh, and it threw me.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 1/COLLIN: Then it’s going to be an awfully long night, sir.

FOOTBALL COACH: Yes, it is. Listen up, gentlemen, if by some miracle we manage to get through this scene. . .if by some miracle you manage to cross the goal like in the second half. . .don’t dance 28

around like idiots. Just act like you’ve scored a touchdown before.

FOOTBALL PLAYER/ISAAC: But we haven’t scored all season.

FOOTBALL COACH: Pretend, okay! I’m begging you. Just get out there and leave it all on the field. Give me a hundred and ten per cent.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 3/SAM: Not possible, sir. The maximum effort anyone can exert is a hundred percent.

FOOTBALL COACH: All right, Urkel, fine! Just get out there and play like there’s no tomorrow.

FOOTBALL PLAYER 4/ZACH: If there were no tomorrow, I’d like to spend my final hours with my family.

FOOTBALL COACH: (Hanging his head.) Okay—

FOOTBALL PLAYER/KRAMER: Me, too. I love your family.

FOOTBALL COACH: All right, gentlemen, just get out there and play as best you can. I’d love for you to give me one hun. . .er. . .seventy-five per cent. (ALL look dejected.) But I’ll settle for thirty. And remember, there is a tomorrow, but life is futile and then you die on three, ready, onetwothree__

ALL: Like is futile and then you die!

FOOTBALL COACH: Let’s get our butts kicked!

ALL: Yeah! (They cheer and clap enthusiastically as they exit.) 29

SCENE 11: CIRCLE GAMES

SPORTSCASTERS: JOSH PROTESTER: LUCAS

(POINTER SR enters and moves the marker to Category Circle)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: (Enters onto platform. HE holds a protest sign on a stick. The sign says has a circle on it with a circle around that circle with a diagonal line through it” “No Circles.” Strangely enough, he marches in a circle.) Down with circles. Down with circles. No more circles! Circles suck.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: (Entering onto the platform.) Whoa, Lucas! What are you doing?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: I’m protesting Category #5: Sports that go in Circles. (Light goes on for this Category.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Thanks for straightening that out.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: That’s exactly what we have to do to circular sports. (Chants.) Hey, ho. Hey, ho. Circular sports have got to go. (To the audience.) Join in! Hey, ho. Hey, ho. Circular sports have got to go.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Why is this such a big deal for you?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Look, take track and field. Field I love, but track I hate because everyone ends up right back where they started. It’s pointless. Lap swimming? Horse and dog racing? Same thing. Tetherball? I say cut the ball off the rope, have one kid smack it, and the other kid chase it. Now that’s a sport. Come on, everybody, join in. Only a doofus or a jerk’ll Play a sport that’s in a circle. Everybody— Only a doofus or a jerk’ll Play a sport that’s in a circle.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: (Buzzer sounds.) Wow! That was a fast second quarter, Lucas.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: You can say that again!

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: (Buzzer sounds.) Wow! That was a fast—(LUCAS clamps his hand over JOSH’s mouth.) We’ll be right back. (They exit stage right as LOGAN and JONATHAN enter onto the 30

mainstage.) SCENE 12: GOLF

GOLFERS 1-3: Logan, Mason, Jonathon

(Bagpipe music plays. SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN enters.)

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Och, Glenlivet! (SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN enters.)

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Oo aye, Glenfiddich!

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: (Calling.) Och, Jack Daniels! (SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON enters. He wears loud plaid plus fours with puffballs at the side of his knees and on the top of his shoes, a wild golf shirt, argyle knee socks, and a plaid tam o’shanter with puffball. All three carry toy golf clubs with oversized club heads and plastic gold balls.)

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Sorry I’m late, fellas. I was fussin’ over me outfit. I didnae want to look foolish. (He turns around and there is a big puffball on the back of his trousers like a bunny tail.)

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: No, aye, you look dead great.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: All right, laddies. Have we got our clubs?

OTHERS: (Holding them up.) Aye!

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: You know, laddies, I’ve always wondered where did they get the name “golf.”

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Legend has it, it stands for “Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden.”

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Ach, no. That’s a sexist urban myth.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: But “golf” sounds like the Scottish word “goulf,” meaning to strike or cuff.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Plus golf is flog spelt backwards, and I’m floggin’ awful at this game.

OTHERS: Aye, ye are.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Game? That’s a good question. Is golf a game or a sport? I say ‘tis a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Golf must be a sport. It’s on ESPN.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: That proves nothin’. Most of what’s on ESPN is nae a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: (Gasps.) Be ye daft, man? It’s ESP bloody N! It’s the total sports network. 31

What do you think ESPN stands for anyway?

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: I don’t know.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: It stands for. . .E. . .Sports. . .P. . .Network. By definition, anything that’s on there is a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Is poker a sport?

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Aye. It’s on ESPN.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: That don’t make it a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Aha! But it ‘tis a game—wouldn’t you agree?

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN:: Aye.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Game, sport. Same difference.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Same difference? Ye’ve got haggis for brains!

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: I’ll not hear a word against haggis!

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Laddies, laddies, can I help? A game is simply a competition. A sport requires some sort of physical prowess. Some games are sports and some sports are games. But some games are just games and some sports are just sports.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: That was no bloody help at all!

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Nay.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Look, look. Track and field is a sport. Basketball is a game and a sport. Candyland is just a game.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Obviously Candyland is just a game. If it were a sport, they’d show it on ESPN.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Candyland is not a sport because Candyland requires no physical prowess.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Then what about Poker?

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: It is on ESPN.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: The World Series of Poker requires concentration, memory, and stamina.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/JONATHAN: So does watching (names a local terrible sports team.) 32

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Aye. ‘Tis true. All right, what about NASCAR?

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Borderline sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/LOGAN: Whoa, don’t let them hear you say that in Eastern Kentucky.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: I did nae say it was nae a sport. I said I don’t know. You know what NASCAR stands for? “Non-Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks.”

SCOTS GOLFER 3/LOGAN: Aha! So ‘tis a sport!

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Aye, ‘tis.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: (Disappointed.) Aye.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/LOGAN What about hunting?

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Not a game.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/MASON: And unless animals are returning fire, ‘tis not a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: It’s not a sport if things die.

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Ah! Then by your own definition, golf is not a sport.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Why?

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Because people die of boredom watching it.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Aye, you’re right, Glenfiddich. That settles that. All right, laddies, let’s play this last hole very carefully. If you time it just right, you can hit the ball into the clown’s mouth.

SCOTS GOLFER 3/LOGAN And we’ll win a free game. (They put their balls on the floor and face the audience.)

SCOTS GOLFER 1/JONATHAN: Ohh, they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our—(They hold their clubs over their heads a la Braveheart.)—

ALL: Free game!

SCOTS GOLFER 1/LOGAN: Fore!

SCOTS GOLFER 3/MASON: Five!

SCOTS GOLFER 2/JONATHAN: Six! (They all swing in unison and “hit” their balls toward the audience. . .but the balls and clubs are covered with Velcro so the balls stick to the club heads.) 33

SCENE 13: WELCOME TO THE SECOND HALF

SPORTSCASTERS 2: JOSH, LUCAS, SPORTS TRACKER: SHUGART

(ESPN-typed music plays. JOSH and LUCAS run down the aisles.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Welcome back to the second half of tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon. Time now for the______(local business) Halftime report. Let’s go over to Alex Schugart at the ______(different local business) Sports tracker to see how we’re doing so far. Alex? (SHUGART is on the main stage.)

SPORTS TRACKER/SHUGART: Ladies and gentlemen, we had a great first half. In fact, we have the potential to set a Guinness World Record for the fastest Abridgeathon ever. But we’re going to have to pick up the pace. Because although we got through five of the nine categories of sports, six of the time periods, and four of the known continents, the wild card in the second half is going to be the Olympics.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Alex, that’s an almost impossible amount of territory to cover in the second half.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Not to mention, Alex, the fact that we also have over sixty years of sporting history we still have to deal with.

SPORTS TRACKER/SHUGART: And there’s an even bigger hurdle, guys: During halftime, we were warned by the notoriously litigious International Olympic Committee that they own the word “Olympics.”

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: So what are we going to do?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: We’re going to call our events the Olympish Games.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Good thinking, Lucas.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Yes, it’ll still be great, though—the single biggest sporting event in the world.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And it won’t just be the Summer Games, not just the Winter Games. It will be the Olympish Games that every fan wants to see—Summer, Winter, and Junior rolled into one! Second half predictions, Lucas?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Given our athletic-skill-level and physical condition, we were remarkable injury- free in the first half. I’d expect to see death or dismemberment before the night is over. 34

(Buzzer.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And that buzzer means the second half of the Complete Sports Abridgeathon is now underway. Tonight’s second half is brought to you by Southwest Airlines. Reduced fares. Reduced service. All the joys of riding the bus, now with turbulence. 35

SCENE 14: SOUTH AMERICAN SPORTS

SPORTSCASTER : LUCAS, JOSH LATINA SPORTSCASTER: HALIBURTON CHILE CON CARNE: COLLIN BULL 2: Sam BULL 1: ADAMS ANNOUNCER: Zane

(Latino music. LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON dances in from side pit door and takes her place at the sports desk.)

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: Hola. Bienvenidas a continente numero tres—America del Sur— senoritas y senors.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: What she said was— Hello, and welcome to our fifth continent, America of the South, ladies and seniors.

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: This is where basketball was invented by Mayans five hundred years ago. Instead of a ball, they used a human skull, and the winning team was executed.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Talk about a sudden death victory!

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: Now how do we define America of the South?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: It’s easy. The Western Hemisphere is divided into North America—which consists entirely of the USA—and South America—which is everything else.

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: Lucas, we talked about this. (To the audience.) Sorry. (To LUCAS) Lucas, Canada is not part of the U.S., and Mexico is on the North American continent.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Do they speak Spanish in Mexico?

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: Yes.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Boom! South America!

LATINA SPORTSCASTER/HALIBURTON: Boom! Latin America.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Boom! They speak Spanish, not Latin. (ALEX and LUCAS begin to fight.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Let’s go now to our South American reporter, Chile Con Carne. Chile, what can you tell us about South American sports? 36

CHILE/COLLIN: Well, Alex, the most popular sport in South America is Association Football—which you Norde Americanos call soccer. But I’d like to say a few words about bullfighting, a popular but misunderstood sport. Bullfighting falls into Category #3—Sports with Animals—and is a deeply ingrained part of Latin American culture.

(ADAMS/BULL 1 and SAM/BULL 2 choreograph an exciting fight to music on the mainstage.)

ANNOUNCER/ZANE: (This part will be written to follow the actual fight scene)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Gosh, that sure was memorable.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: And speaking of memorable, let’s take a few moments to remember what the greats throughout history have said about sports. 37

SCENE 15: QUOTATIONS

Quoters: Adams, Collin, Sam, Zach, Isaac, Gabriel, Chris, Zane, Shugart ALL SPORTSCASTERS AT DESK.

(ACTORS file on-stage and MASON and JONATHAN move to the sports desk.)

ADAMS: Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination, and a hard- to-find alloy called guts. Dan Gable.

COLLIN: You miss one hundred per cent of the shots you don’t take. Wayne Gretsky.

BELZA: You can observe a lot just by watching. Yogi Berra. (The others look at each other quizzically.)

ZACH: The harder I work, the luckier I get. Steve Young.

ISAAC: Champions aren’t made in a gym. Champions are made from a desire, a dream, and a vision. Muhammed Ali. (SAM runs around so he’s next in line.)

SAM: Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. Yogi Berra. (ACTORS begin to get a little annoyed.)

GABRIEL: It’s not the size of a man that matters, but the size of his heart. Evander Holyfield.

CHRIS: It’s not so important who starts the game but who finishes it. John Wooden. (SPORTSCASTER 3 runs around so he’s next in line.)

SAM: When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra. (Building annoyance.)

ZANE: Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan. (SAM runs around so he’s next in line.)

SAM: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Yogi Berra.

SHUGART: Whoever said it’s not whether you win or lose that counts probably lost. Martina Navratilova. (SAM runs around so he’s next in line.)

SAM: You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t go to yours. Yogi Berra. (EVERYONE screams in frustration and chases him off-stage. Remaining SPORTSCASTERS re- enter. ) 38

SCENE 16: TEAM NAMES

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL SPORTSCASTERS U of L /UK fans: Belza, Zach, Haliburton, Shugart, Chris, Zane, Isaac, Luke, Kramer, Adams, Collin, Adams,

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Sports update now. Big NFL news from both the Dallas Cowboys and the Baltimore Ravens. The Baltimore Ravens have. . .the Baltimore Ravens? Wait a second. I’m sorry, time out! (To the lights booth) Guys—could I have some light? (Lights up on stage.) Josh, can you explain to me how come these team names don’t make any sense?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: They make sense to me. Dallas Cowboys. San Francisco 49ers. Baltimore Ravens —

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: How does the Baltimore Ravens make sense?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: The writer Edgar Allen Poe was from Baltimore. He wrote a poem called “The Raven.” It’s a cool reference.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: So they named a team after a depressive drunk?

OTHER SPORTSCASTERS: Yeah.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: So when Los Angeles finally got its new NFL team, they should have named it the L. A. Lohans?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Well. . .

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Why stop there? How about the New York Muggers or the Las Vegas Strippers? Manhattan Madorfs?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Whoa. Team names tend to fall in two categories—Brave fighters—Vikings, Warriors, and Pirates—or fierce animals—Lions and Tigers and Bears.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Oh, my.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Then what about the L A Lakers? Los Angeles isn’t exactly known for its lakes.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: They were originally the Minneapolis Lakers.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Or the Utah Jazz? I can’t think of any place less jazzy than Utah.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: They started in New Orleans. 39

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: There's a basketball team called the Washington Wizards. Washington isn’t exactly full of wizards, is it?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: It was formerly the Hogwarts Wizards.”

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Really?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: No, dummy. At Hogwarts, they play Quidditch.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Team names should be relevant to where they are now. It should be the L.A. Out-of-work Actors. Or the Utah Polygamists.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Now you’re being ridiculous

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: But the Washington Redskins is okay?

ALL: Yes.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: No. Redskins is not okay with me. That’s why I prefer college sports. Most colleges have gotten rid of their mascots with those kinds of racist names.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Because college kids are always ticked off about something.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Yeah, and usually with good reason. They care. We should aspire to be more like that. College sports fans aren’t stupid and mindlessly violent like pro sports fans. . .

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Well, except for University of Louisville.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: And UK.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Come on, guys. U of L and UK fans aren’t violent! (A herd of ACTORS dressed in clothing from the local sports team charge down the SPORTSCASTERS hide behind the desk until they are gone. LOGAN runs off with them.) 40

SCENE 17: NAME UPDATE

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: News and scores update. Professional sports organizations are following the example of the Baltimore Ravens and rebranding their teams using literary inspiration. Some quick scores now. In the NBA, the New Orleans Metrosexual Vampires caught the Washington Irvings napping. In soccer, the Baskerville Hounds killed the Mockingbirds. And in the NFL, the Chicago Hog-Butchers slaughtered the Nantucket Peqouds. The Pequods were also fined one hundred thousand dollars for the non-limerick use of the name Nantucket. Over to our globetrotting reporter, Collin Kemper. 41

SCENE 18: EUROPEAN SPORTS

SPORTSCASTER: LUCAS (MASON also at desk; others enter.)) EUROPEAN REPORTER : COLLIN ROVING REPORTER/SINGER: LOGAN Sign holders: Barnett, Belza, Zach, Haliburton, Hall, Chris, Isaac, Kramer,

(POINTER SL moves chart to Europe)

EUROPEAN REPORTER/COLLIN: I’m on the continent of Europe where new research indicates that prolonged exposure to Beethoven has led some Europeans to play some rather unusual sports. Roving reporter Logan Wright has filed this fascinating report. Logan?

ROVING REPORTER/SINGER (LOGAN): Thanks, Collin. (He clears his throat and then sings the following to the tune of “Ode to Joy.” JOSH and JONATHAN are pulled to their anchor places by the song.)

WHEN IN EUROPE YOU WILL NOTICE THAT THEY PLAY THE STRANGEST GAMES. WE WILL RATTLE OFF A FEW NOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE NAMES? ‘COURSE THERE’S FOOTBALL, WE CALL IT SOCCER, RUGBY, CRICKET, TRACK AND FIELD. CYCLING, SAILING, SKIING, HOCKEY ALL THESE SPORTS HAVE WIDE APPEAL

(As he mentions the strange sports, ACTORS with cards with their names on them hold them up. SAM has one card with the word “Ball” on it. He holds it up every time that word is sung.)

THERE’S DUTCH KORF-BALL AND CHESS, BOXING WIFE CARRYING—FLOOR-BALL TOO DANISH LONG-BALL, BASQUE PELOTA, BELGIAN BOSSA-BALL FOR YOU. -BALL/Sam) SPANISH LOVE TO WATCH BULL FIGHTING

WHICH DOES NOT INVOLVE A BALL. (SAM –BALL) BUT THE IRISH, BRITS, AND SCOTTISH HAVE THE WEIRDEST SPORTS OF ALL

(SAM abandons the ball card for one that says TOSS.) 42

THERE’S CAMOGIE AND THERE’S HURLING TOSS THE CABER, AND SHEAF TOSS. (TOSS/Sam) SNOOKER, DARTS, AND THEN TOE WRESTLING THEY ALL LEAVE ME AT A LOSS. BANDY, GURNING, QUOITS, AND SKITTLES (SKITTLES/Sam—picture of candy) PLUS CHEESE-CHASING, QUIDDITCH TOO. (TOO -Sam—numeral 2.) EXTREME IRONING AND SHIN KICKING BOG SNORKELING I LEAVE TO YOU. (LOGAN moves to desk.)

Barnett Zack Alex H Zane Chris Isaac Kramer Foot Rugby Cricket Track and Cycling Sailing Skiing Field (2 signs) Pelota Long Floor Wife- Chess- Korf Hockey carryi boxi ng ng Bossa Bull Camogie Hurling Caber Sheaf Snooker fig hti ng Quidditch Cheese- Quoits Gurning Bandy Toe Darts ch Wr asi est ng lin g

Extreme Shin Bog Eye Leaf 2 Ironing Kicking Snorkeling

(The final four cards are a picture of an eyeball, a leaf, the numeral 2, and a picture of a female sheep. There is a loud baa of a sheep, and it lands on stage on top of an actor. ALL run off-stage in fright.) 43

SCENE 19: SPORTS TRACKER UPDATE

SPORTSCASTERS: JOSH, JONATHAN, MASON, LUCAS SPORTS TRACKER: Shugart

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the XESS studio. Let’s see how our attempt to cover the width and breadth of the complete world of sports is going. Alex?

(SHUGART enters on main stage by the Categories board.)

SPORTS TRACKER/SHUGART: Thanks, Jonathan, I’m live here at the XESS______(local business) Sports Tracker. As you noted, we’ve already covered categories one through six in some depth. Category #7, Machine sports, require some sort of mechanical device: bike, boat, car, motorcycle.

(POINTER SR moves Category 7.)

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: You gotta love a sport that leaves a big carbon footprint.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Yes, you do, Jonathan. And I love Category #8. Alex, tell us about that.

(POINTER SR moves Category 8.)

SPORTS TRACKER/ SHUGART: Category #8, sports based on occupations—which includes such obscure sports as rodeo, lumberjacking, and the world’s fastest brain surgery competition. And finally, there’s Category #9, sports that involve slipping, sliding, and falling. (Buzzer sounds.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Ho! That buzzer means that’s the end of the third quarter of tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon. Lucas, that was a very fast third quarter.

SPORTSCASTER/ LUCAS: Jonathan, break down for us your keys to the fourth.

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: If we’re going to break the Guinness World Record for the fastest Abridgeathon ever, the keys to the fourth quarter will be to ratchet up the intensity and drive the tempo.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: All right, so we better move swiftly on then to the Olympish Games—the greatest sports spectacle—

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Wait, wait, wait! Why are you so excited to do the Olympics?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Olympish! We don’t want to get sued. The Olympish Games are the culmination of everything we’ve been talking about tonight: sports from all seven continents, all 44

nine categories, and the entire history of sports all in one package.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And Mason is far too modest to mention this, but did you know that the Ancient Greek Olympics were actually invented by Mason’s great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great times twenty grandfather?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: (To MASON) You’re Greek?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Yes.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: But your last name is Doyle

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: We shortened it from Doyle-opopopolous. Also, the Olympish Games are the culmination of every sportscaster’s dream—to pontificate long-windedly about every athlete’s rise from poverty and obscurity while killing time between tape-delayed events the internet- savvy audience already knows the scores of. (Starts to weep.) Give me a minute. (Exits.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Absolutely. While Mason takes a moment to compose himself, let’s head over to James Kramer who is standing by in Africa. James? 45

SCENE 20: BOXING

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL AFRICAN REPORTER: Kramer

(Sound of the African jungle—birds, beasts, drums. AFRICAN REPORTER enters onto the platform. in a pith helmet with a tablet covered in hieroglyphics. Pointer SL moves AFRICA. )

AFRICAN REPORTER/KRAMER: Josh, as you can tell from the sounds behind me, I am in Africa. . . (Sometimes someone in the audience will laugh, in which case he says, “Would it hurt you to play along with me?”). . .the cradle of civilization where I have made a historic discovery. Hieroglyphics on Egyptian monuments indicate that way back in the time of the Pharaohs, they already had neutral referees, player uniforms, and even a way to pay college athletes under the table. But earlier today, I made anthropological history! While on a dig in Egypt, I discovered this marvelous ancient tablet depicting an Egyptian sporting champion in the tablet-smashing competition. (He flips the tablet over to reveal a photo of Charlton Heston as Moses with the Ten Commandments.) We think he’s Judean. Now back to our XESS studios.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Thanks, James. Africa also played host to the Rumble in the Jungle, the legendary fight in Zaire between George Foreman and Muhammed Ali.

(LIGHTS GO UP ON 20th CENTURY SPORTS.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Yes, if you want to talk about an ancient and truly international sport, you’ve got to talk about boxing, the sweet science of two people knocking each other senseless.

(MASON enters and moves to the sports desk.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Wait a second. No, no, no. Boxing is a savage and barbaric sport. It ought to be banned.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: What are you talking about? It’s one of the most elemental, mano-a-mano competitions there is.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: He just doesn’t like it because he’s no good at it.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: No. I’m just saying, what’s the big appeal of watching human beings hurt each other?

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Are you kidding—Category #9: Who can Beat Up Who Sports—are among the most popular in the world. Boxing, wrestling, martial arts, marriage. . .You’d feel different if you knew how to box. 46

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I know how to box.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You any good?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: That’s not the point.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: That means he’s no good. Ladies and gentlemen, the great white dope. (LUCAS’s head snaps back as if it’s been punched. We hear a punch sound. MASON has moved his hand very, very slightly.) Ow!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: What happened?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: He just hit me.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: He didn’t even move.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: (To MASON.) You hit me, you jerk. (His head snaps back with the same punch sound. MASON’s hands barely move.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Also, I don’t like name-calling.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Mason, you’re not allowed to hit people. (Now his head snaps back with a punch sound. MASON’s hands barely move.) Ow!

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: You said you liked seeing people hit each other.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Yeah, but you punch so fast I can’t see you doing it. (His head snaps back again. Same punch sound. MASON’s hands barely move.)

LUCAS: Knock it off. (His head snaps back. Punch sound. LOGAN charges.)

LOGAN: Why you—(His head snaps back again. During the next speech, MASON pounds on both guys repeatedly but his hands hardly move. Suddenly LOGAN’s arm goes flying onto stage.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON :( To LOGAN) Is that yours?

(LOGAN counts the arms he sees attached to all three actors and comes up only with five.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: (Embarrassed.) Yes.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: You were right. Boxing’s brutal.

RUGBY PLAYER/MASON: Logan, you should have somebody look at that.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: I’ll walk it off.

RUGBY PLAYER/MASON: It’s already off. 47

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Logan, you’re not doing yourself or your team any favors if you’re not one- hundred per cent.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: No, I’m good.

RUGBY PLAYER/MASON: Dude, your arm is off.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: I’ll take an Advil.

RUGBY PLAYER/MASON: Dude, your arm is off your body!

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Hit the showers. (Using the detached arm, he pats LOGAN on the butt. LOGAN leaves, taking the detached arm with him, scratching his back with it as he disappears, bumping into JONATHAN on his way out.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I don’t like boxing. I don’t like what boxing has turned me into. It’s savage— (Punch! Both other guys react.)—barbaric--—(Punch! Both other guys react.)—And it’s turned me into a monster. (Punch. Both guys go flying off stage. Smiles.) We’ll be right back. 48

SCENE 21: VOLUNTEERS

SPORTSCASTERS: JONATHAN, MASON, LUCAS, JOSH Adams, Kramer, Collin, Gabriel, Isaac, Zach Referee: Sam Belza VOLUNTEER 1

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Does Logan’s arm come off a lot?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: More than you’d think.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: What are we going to do?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: We need a substitute for Logan. We’re gonna have to sign a free agent. Could we get some house lights, please?

(House lights come up. JOSH enters and asks a member of the audience to come onstage.)

JOSH: Would you come up on stage and help us with this next part?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: (To audience.) Can we get a little encouragement, please? (He leads the audience in applause. Then he says to the volunteer.) Thanks for helping us out. What’s your name? (Volunteer answers.) Well, thank you for helping us out. Welcome to the Show.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Whoa, Jonathan. What are you doing? We’re done.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: What are you talking about?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Logan’s arm just came off. We can’t do this. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but the Complete Sports Abridgeathon is over.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: So you’re gonna quit, huh?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Just like that?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: No, not just like that. Listen, dude—

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: No, you listen to me, dude! We have not come all this way to quit now.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: You think Logan wants us to quit?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: You think ______(audience member) wants us to quit? (He encourages the audience member to say No, and then he high fives him.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Fine. You guys do it! (He starts to exit.) 49

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hang on, dude. (MASON stops.) Do the Olympics frighten you?

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: No, the Olympics don’t frighten me. It’s just that. . .it’s just that the Olympics. . .(He starts to weep.). . .Give me a minute. (After a beat, MASON hugs the volunteer.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: I know how you feel, man. (Starts to cry. Hugs the volunteer.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: The Olympics are huge. Without Logan, they’re just so overwhelming. You realize they last sixteen days?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And you realize that if we’re going to break this record, we have less than sixteen minutes.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I just can’t do it!

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Neither can I. (He blows his nose on some part of the VOLUNTEER 1.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Does this have something to do with your father?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: (Nodding his head ‘yes.’) No. (Beat.) Maybe.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Jonathan, listen to me. I’m going to tell you something that I think your father never did. You can do this. Did you ever hear of a guy named Aristotle?

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Yeah. He was married to Jackie Onassis.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: That’s close enough. Aristotle’s Dramatic Unities teach us we can’t set up an expectation in a play and then not deliver it.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: All these people are expecting to see the Olympish, right? (Encourages audience to applaud.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: And you know what else? Aristotle thought sports were one of the highest of human endeavors—

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: That they embody ideals of body and spirit—

COLLIN KEMPER: (Entering) And that sports can takes us out of our shallow selves and make us part of something larger.

JAMES ADAMS: (Entering) Part of a team, Jonathan.

JAMES KRAMER: (Entering): We’re a team.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: (Puts arms around MASON and JONATHAN) Do it for me. Do it for us. 50

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: What about Logan?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Logan will get better. Or he won’t. But the show must go on.

ISAAC: (Entering) He’s still one of us!

GABRIEL: (Entering) Part of our team.

ZACH: (Entering) Part of our band of brothers.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Whaddaya say, guys?

JONATHAN: Yes!

MASON: Yes!

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Let’s do this thing!

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: What play are you going to call first, Lucas? (LUCAS does a series of baseball signals, finishing with his hand over his groin.) Right, urine testing. (ADDAMS, KRAMER, and COLLIN exit.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN Now unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past fifteen years, you’re well aware of the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in sports. I don’t want to get this last part started and find out we’ve got cheaters on our team.

(ADDAMS, KRAMER, and COLLIN enter, each carrying a sample cup filled with apple juice. Each cup has a name on it for the Sportscasters.)

COLLIN KEMPER: Okay. Here we go.

JAMES KRAMER: Each of you will test your own.

JAMES ADAMS: (To audience member.) You’ll test Logan’s. (Hands the cup to the audience member who will be very uncomfortable.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I can see by the look on your face the thought of testing Logan’s disgusts you. I don’t blame you. I’ll test Logan’s. (Takes the cup back.) You test mine. (Hands him his cup.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Urine testing is a very sophisticated process. First, you swirl it—(They do.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Good body.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Excellent legs. 51

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Then you sniff it. (They do.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Robust bouquet.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: With hints of asparagus.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Then you drink it!

ALL: Cheers! (They toast, before they can drink it, the REF runs out. )

REF: NO! That’s not how urine testing works. That’s not how any of this works. What is wrong with you people? (He apologizes to the audience member and takes the cup.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: (To the audience.) Let’s have a round of applause for ______who helped us with this scene. (ALL thank him and JOSH shows him to his seat.)

(Buzzer sound. ADDAMS, KRAMER, and COLLIN collect the samples and set them where the audience can see them. COLLIN takes the audience volunteer backstage to get ready. Buzzer. LOGAN enters with arm in a sling.) 52

SCENE 22: PARADE OF NATIONS

SPORTSCASTERS: ALL VOLUNTEERS 2-9 Escorts: 1 Kramer, Zach, Raley 2 Barnett, Adams, 3 Belza, Hall (Haliburton) 4 Mundt, Keller X: Shugart

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Stop what you’re doing! That buzzer means the fourth quarter is underway. I declare the Games of the 2017 Louisville Olympish Games now open, and I call upon the youth of the world to assemble now backstage to help us celebrate the 2017 Louisville Games.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: We’re going to need some more volunteers!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You know, Olympish games rarely come to Louisville, so this might be your last chance to participate. Members of our cast are moving through the audience—even as I speak —and selecting our volunteers. (Kramer, Zach, Barnett, Adams, Belza, Hall, Mundt, and Keller each select a volunteer and escort them off to the lobby. )

Okay, we have our vict—(SPORTSCASTERS gesture wildly and LOGAN revises his statement.) –our volunteers. And for the rest of you, thanks so much for your cards and emails during my long period of recovery. I’d also like to thank Dr. ______and his/her wonderful surgical re- attachment team, and all the good folks at (name of local hospital) for giving me a hand.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: And now, let the pageantry begin!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: First, the parade of nations! (ACTORS escort VOLUNTEERS down aisle 2 and up aisle 3. Each group is led by a techie carrying the banner for that country. For each group, instrumental music plays.)

1 SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: The host country, the United States of America! (American music plays. LUKE RALEY carries an American flag and leads the way. ZACH leads VOLUNTEERS 2 and 3 on--ZACH wears an Uncle Sam hat and the rest of the group waves small American flags.)

2 SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Mexico! (Mexican music plays. TECHIE 1 carries a Mexican flag. GABRIEL/ADAMS and VOLUNTEERS 4 and 5 wear sombreros.)

3 SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Britain! (“God Save the Queen” plays. TECHIE 2 marches in front with a large umbrella leading VOLUNTEERS 6, 7, and CHRIS in bowler hats. ISAAC brings up the rear with a cup of tea.) 53

4 SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: France! (“La Marseillaise” plays. TECHIE 3 leads the way with a loaf of French break. ZANE/SAM leads VOLUNTEERS 8 and 9 on in berets, mustaches. All pretend to be smoking cigarettes. )

5 SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Transylvania (“Monster Mash” plays. RALEY/ZACH lead VOLUNTEERS 2 and 3 on—all wear vampire capes. When they pass in front of the Sportscasters, the volunteers have been coached to run behind the desk with their leaders and try to bite the Sportscasters. Center SPORTSCASTER stands up with a silver cross, and this group runs off in terror. )

6 SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Neverland! (“You Can Fly” music plays. HALIBURTON runs on in Tinkerbelle outfit and motions the others on. KRAMER runs on dressed as Peter Pan. From the back of the auditorium, ADAMS yells,”Catch them.” GABRIEL/ADAMS and VOLUNTEERS 4 and 5—in pirate hats and with pirate weapons—run down to the pit chasing Tinkerbelle. In the pit, ADAMS and GABRIEL set up a nerf-weapon battle between TINKERBELLE, PETER PAN, and the VOLUNTEERS. When it’s time, they stop the battle and lead the VOLUNTEERS off.)

7 SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Keenland. (“Call to the post” is played. ISAAC, CHRIS, VOLUNTEERS 6 and 7 race down the aisles on stick horses. One of the SPORTSCASTERS calls the race.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Disneyland (Disney theme/Mouskateer music plays. SHUGART (princess dress), JHALIBURTON (Tinkerbelle), and KRAMER (Peter Pan) lead VOLUNTEERS 8 and 9 on in Mickey Mouse ears. They are led up onto the stage where techies have assembled the roller coaster for them to sit in. KRAMER leads them in the rollercoaster activity. They then exit.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: And now the lighting of the Official Abridged Olympic torch. If we could have a volunteer to run the torch down the aisle in the last leg of its journey?

(Chooses a volunteer. JOSH takes him/her to the back. “Chariot of Fire” music plays as VOLUNTEER 10 runs down the aisle, coached by JOSH. When he/she makes it to the front--)

Logan?

(LOGAN pulls a cupcake with a candle out of his sling and presents it to MASON. SPORTSCASTERS encourage the audience to applaud. JOSH coaches VOLUNTEER 10 to light the candle on top of the cupcake. The Olympics theme plays. ALL ON STAGE put a hand over heart and pretend to mouth words. LOGAN then blows out the candle.)

NOTE: As the other Volunteers finish taking their costumes off, they are led around backstage and led onto the main stage to watch this ceremony.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: As always, a moving ceremony. (MASON takes a bite out of the cupcake, and then looks guilty.) Mason!

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: I was hungry! 54

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Ladies and gentlemen, our volunteer athletes have done a fantastic job tonight! How ‘bout a big hand for our athletes! (ACTORS escort VOLUNTEERS to their seats.) 55

SCENE 23: TRICOTAKAIDATHLON

SPORTSCASTERS : ALL TETHER REPORTER: Kramer GYMNASTICS REPORTER: COLLIN ANTARCTIC REPORTER: COLLIN JUDGES: Isaac, Chris, Zach POOP-TIN: Gabriel MARY LOU: Shugart FRANKIE: Adams ROCKS 1, 2: Zach, Zane DUCKIE: COLLIN MILO: Sam HARRY POTTER: Zane CURLERS A Isaac B Collin C Zach Curler Pusher: Luke DABBER: Mundt, Adams, KRAMER, Zach Bowling ball carrier: Luke Bowling-watcher: Haliburton, Shugart, Chris, Gabriel, Isaac, Zach, Zane Wife-carrier: Zach Wife: Haliburton Harry Potter: Zane Cheese-roller: Chris Big-butt runner: Adams Nintendo Player: Adams Characters: Kramer, Zane

(Dramatic fanfare. LIGHTS go up on NOW.)

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment has arrived.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: We have reached the apex—

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: --the pinnacle—

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: The final finale of tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon!

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: These Olympish Events will now conclude with a single thirty-two sports 56

event.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Not the two events of the biathlon.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Not the seven events of the heptathlon.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Not the ten events of the decathlon.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: No! You’re about to witness the thirty-two events of the Olympish TricotakaidathAlon. (Tricko-tuh-ky-DAITH-a-lon).

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Never before in the history of humankind has such an event been attempted.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: It’s risky.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: It’s dangerous.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: It’s life threatening.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: In the event of an emergency, please remain calm and run screaming for the nearest exit.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: As the clock ticks down the final minutes of the final quarter, let the 2017 Olympish Tricotakaidathlon begin! (Lights change. Something like “Nadia’s Theme” plays.)

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: We take you now to our gymnastic center where the American men’s team is about to perform in Rhythmic Gymnastics!

(Rhythmic Gymnastics team performs.)

GYMNASTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to women’s gymnastics and the balance beam competition. (SHUGART leaps on in tutu and does a delicate balance beam routine on the floor rather than on a beam.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Oh, that was a lovely falkow toe loop there by Gabby Comaneci.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: She was the favorite going into this competition, and she has not disappointed.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: But the Olympish Committee has added an Ultimate Fighting component to this year’s women’s gymnastics event. (POOP-TIN/GABRIEL leaps on dressed like Vladimir Putin.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Here comes the Russian, Vladimir Poop-tin. What he lacks in grace, he makes up for in brute force.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Oh! A textbook haymaker there from the Russian. Let’s see how Gabby responds—(A fight ending up with SHUGART slamming GABRIEL’s head against the ground 57

several times, knocking him unconscious.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Let’s check with the judges. (JUDGES hold up ten’s.) A perfect ten!

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Some quick updates from the Junior Olympish. There was a huge upset in the Hop Scotch prelims earlier today, followed by a forfeit in the Hide and Seek semi-finals. And the Chinese gymnasts have tested negative for puberty.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: But the big story today, Lucas, is freaky phenom Frankie Vesperella who was eliminated from medal contention in Tetherball earlier today. (FRANKIE/ADAMS enters.) Frankie, tough loss today to the Romanian.

FRANKIE: He’s a poop head.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: Now, now, Frankie. He beat you fair and square.

FRANKIE: Did not.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: Did so.

FRANKIE: Did not.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: Did so.

FRANKIE: Did not.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: Did not.

FRANKIE: Did so.

TETHERBALL REPORTER/KRAMER: Good. That settles that. Back to you, Logan.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: We’ll have more of that scintillating interview later. But right now, I’m told we have a new development in the Rock, Paper, Scissor competition. Let’s go to the videotape.

(ROCK 1/GABRIEL and ROCK 2/ZANE run on and play the game very quickly. ROCK 1 wears a beret.)

You can see the match going pretty much as expected. Of course, the fist pounding on the palms of these youngsters really takes a toll, and many of them develop arthritis later on in—Stop! Right there. That is the controversy. Let’s rewind that--

(ROCKS move slowly in revere making rewinding sounds.)—and take a look at the Slow MO Cam—

(ROCKS play the game in slow motion. On the third play, ROCK 1 puts down paper. ROCK 2 clearly waits to see what ROCK 1 put down before putting down Paper.) 58

The rules state that each player must finish at the exact same moment, but I believe you’ll see the North Korean kid hesitate for a fraction of a second to see what the French boy was going to play—and yes! Right there the North Korean kid definitely hesitated. That’s a disqualification, and that’s why the French kid is so upset.

(ROCK 1 licks his finger and sticks it in ROCK 2’s ear. They exit.)

Oh, no! Ladies and gentlemen, that’s what’s known as a Wet Willie. That has been banned in international competition so now both players are disqualified. This is a huge break for Djibouti who was way behind. (The audience is usually a little slow to catch this. If necessary, it can be repeated. ) Stick with me if you can. Heading over to the Aquatic center now. Lucas?

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: I’m being told right now that Greg Louganis is about to attempt an Olympish first, a high dive into this cup of water. (SAM enters carrying cup of water so it doesn’t spill. He looks up. A scream FROM off-stage. SAM dashes out of the way as a dummy falls from the ceiling and crushes the cup.)

DUCKIE/COLLIN: (With a lisp.) Hello, this is Duckie Wormtonsils reporting from the Big Athalon. Athletes from the United States are known for having some of the biggest assets in the world. We join the race already in progress.

(ADAMS runs down the aisle with heavily padded protruding rear end. He runs onto the stage and off- stage.)

As you can see, he’s a very heavy favorite. But it looks like he’s wandering off-track over to the taco cart in the javelin arena—(ADAMS staggers across stage with a javelin through him.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: That’s gotta sting.

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: We’re racing to the finish now with so many new esoteric sports from all over the world being added to this year’s Olympish line-up. Please remember that these are all actual sports.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: From Gloucestershire, England—cheese-rolling. (CHRIS rolls a huge wheel of orange cheese across stage towards SAM who screams and runs into the wall. Sound of splat from sound booth.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: That’s gotta hurt.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: From Finland—wife carrying! (ZACH runs across stage carrying HALIBURTON and bangs her head into the wall.)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Oh, that’s gotta hurt.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: From Europe—dwarf tossing. (A toy Smurf is tossed on-stage. SAM catches it and tosses it off-stage)

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: Oh, that’s gotta smurf! (Air horn sounds. MASON, LOGAN, and LUCAS run off 59

to change for swimming event.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: And now, from Santa Cruz, California—Ultimate Frisbee. (A Frisbee is tossed from off-stage to SAM who tosses it off-stage.

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: From Southeast Asia, Sepak Takraw—or Kick Volleyball. (A volleyball is rolled on to SAM who kicks it off-stage.)

SPORTSCASTER/ JONATHAN: From Great Britain, Lawn Bowling. (LUKE runs on with bowling ball and gives it to MASON. A GROUP OF ACTORS gathers to watch. SAM rolls the ball toward the ACTORS who scatter to the sound of bowling pins falling.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: And from the Nintendo Arena, the non-stop action-packed gold medal finals in Pokémon. (SAM and ADAMS frantically work game controllers controlling Kramer and Zane.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Wow! We’ll be back with even more exciting action in Mafia Wars and Corporate Tax Dodging, but right now, we take you to Collin Kemper.

ANTARCTIC REPORTER/COLLIN: Jonathan, I’m down in Antarctica for Extreme Ironing. (Howling wind. MILO enters and irons clothes—then gets and idea and starts to iron himself.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Happy ending there for Milo Freezamoff. And now, in center ring—The Dab Off! (ACTORS dab.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: we have a very special guest now—the new gold medalist in Quidditch. (ZANE runs on with broom and Harry Potter robe and glasses.)

Congratulations, Harry. I’d love to chat, but we have to go immediately to the finals in the only other Olympish sport that uses brooms.

(Peppy circus music. CURLER A/ISAAC enters with a curling stone (on hidden wheels), pushes it toward the opposite wings, and then exits. CURLERS B/ZACH and C /GABRIEL sweep in front of it until it stops about three-quarters of the way across stage. They sweep even more quickly, but the stone doesn’t move. Finally, CURLER B looks around, and then pushes the stone until it disappears off-stage. They bow.)

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: And now, Extreme Curling.

(LUKE pushes SAM across stage toward the opposite wing. SAM is lying on a skateboard wearing a wig full of curlers. As he rolls across stage, CURLERS A and C sweep in front of him until he disappears in the wing. Music stops as we hear a loud crash. Terrified, CURLERS run away. MASON stumbles back in and awkwardly sticks his landing.)

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Ladies and gentlemen, we have only two events left in tonight’s Complete Sports Abridgeathon Olympish Tricotakaidathlon. In just a minute, we’ll show you the final sprint to the finish. 60

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: But first, we are proud to present the United States men’s synchronized swimming team.

1. “Claire de Lune” plays. Waves ripple. Slowly LOGAN, LUCAS, and MASON rise above the waves in ornate swim caps and swimming trunks. They do silly matching arm and head moves as synchronized swimmers and the then they sink down disappear slowly. 2. LOGAN rises from behind the water with two orange flashlights—the ones used to direct airplanes. He gestures for MASON to rise from behind the water. As MASON appears, we see that he is wearing a pilot’s headphones with mic attached. He sticks out his arms as if they were wings. LOGAN gestures with his flashlights for MASON to turn ninety degrees, which he does. Now LOGAN gestures for MASON to move forward, but MASON refuses and moves as if he’s walking down stairs until he disappears behind the water. LOGAN shrugs and mimes pushing a button. He then sinks straight down as if on an elevator. 3. Then MASON leaps straight out of the water—like a dolphin—and then immediately drops back out of sight. LOGAN does the same. Then all the SWIM TEAM does the same in unison and drops back out of sight.) 4. “Chariot of Fire” plays. The entire scene is in slow motion. MASON, LUCAS, and LOGAN—in swim trunks—go up onto the platform and begin as if they were in starting blocks to begin a race, and then run in slow motion to the edge of the waves. In turn, they jump in and “swim” across the waves. MASON’s swim is a dog paddle. They get out.) 5. MASON gets thirsty. He grabs a cup of urine from where it was put. LUCAS and LOGAN try to warn him, but he drinks and then sinks down below the waves. 6. LOGAN is afraid to jump in the water, but LUCAS encourages him. Finally, LOGAN jumps in and struggles to swim. He sinks, then comes up for air, spits water into the first row, and then sinks again. 7. GABRIEL and ZACH enter and stretch timeline across the stage like a finish line. 8. LOGAN holds his hand up above the water as if he’s drowning. CAST runs in and pulls him out. They put him in a wheelchair steered by SAM. 9. LUCAS and MASON encourage him to join in, but he indicates that he can’t go on. CROWD gestures LUCAS and MASON to continue. MASON reaches the finish line first but stops, just short, out of breath. He takes a big pull on his inhaler and gestures for LUCAS to go ahead. LUCAS can’t believe it, but he triumphantly runs—still in slow motion—and trips just short of the finish line. SAM springs into motion and zooms LOGAN’s wheelchair across the finish line. 10. JONATHAN and JOSH rip their shirts off to wave them in triumph. They wear little kid undershirt tank tops (Teletubbies, etc.) 11. The buzzer sounds, and everything returns to normal speed. Triumphant music plays. ADAMS puts gold medal around LOGAN’s neck.

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Ladies and gentlemen, do you believe in miracles?

SPORTSCASTER/JOSH: Ladies and gentlemen—(phone rings. INSTANT MESSENGER answers.)

INSTANT MESSENGER/HALIBURTON: Wait—this just in. We just got another Tweet sent to our Twitter account. “For the love of god, put your shirts back on.”

SPORTSCASTER/JONATHAN: Good note. (Shirts are brought on stage and they put them back on.) 61

SPORTSCASTER/LUCAS: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out tonight.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: You’ve been a great audience.

SPORTSCASTER/MASON: We’ll be here until (date), so if you enjoyed the show, please tell both your friends.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Until next time, I’m Logan Wright.

JONATHON: I’m Jonathan Erwin.

MASON: I’m Mason Doyle

LUCAS: I’m Lucas Gleitz

JOSH: I’m Josh Sanders.

LOGAN: And from all of us here at Saint Excellence Xaverian Sports—

CAST: (Sing)

WE COVERED ALL THE SPORTS—WE HOPE YOU WERE NOT BORED TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SOME SPORTS WE JUST IGNORED. THE SHOW IS ALL DONE NOW—PLEASE GET OUTTA HERE. BUT NOT BEFORE YOU STAND AND GIVE US ALL A CHEER. THERE’S NOTHING WE LOVE MORE THAN OUR SPORTS AND A BALL— RALLY BEHIND US CHAMPIONS—WARTS AND WOUNDS AND ALL. WITH ALL OUR MIGHT WE’RE STRONG SO SING RIGHT ALONG THIS IS THE END OF OUR ABRIDGED FIGHT SONG.

SPORTSCASTER/LOGAN: Good night.