This Newsletter Will Be Slightly Shorter Than Normal Since We Shall Be Sending Out The Booking Forms For The Next Reunion With
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NEWSLETTER No. 4/2004
This newsletter will be slightly shorter than normal since we shall be sending out the booking forms for the next reunion with it, as well as a slop chit. Unfortunately, with the high cost of postage these days it is necessary to compensate for the extra weight of those by an equivalent number of pages to keep it down to normal 2nd class postage. One extra page would cost another 14p per newsletter. However, we hope that there’ll still be sufficient to keep you interested. This may not reach you in time to read over your Xmas pud but, if not, it should be there before the New Year. Either way, I hope you have a good time whatever you do. Peter
The Chairman’s Message
Shipmates.
As our Secretary, Peter, told you in the last newsletter, we have moved (he says that I only move to get new rubber stamps and give him the hump). No, but seriously I did not know what was ahead for us both (Pat & I). Three weeks after moving in Pat had a stroke. It was as quick as a light switch being switched off. Long story cut short, I had Pat in hospital locally, checked out and on her way in an ambulance to the General Hospital in Boston, Lincs in 2 hours (in the next N/L I’ll tell you how I did it). It is called bypassing the system and, if you are ever in a medical crisis, what I did may help.
Pat is home and improving well but I am now Captain of the Heads and the Galley and of the Cleaning Parties (Cooking, Floor Cleaning and Washing). I moaned and said to Pat, “This is a rough hand I’ve got”. She smiled, asked for tea and replied, “Yes, it’s called marriage!!!” Have a good Christmas and a happy New Year. Regards,
George ______
This is not a circular
Did you notice the cartoon character holding up the rectangular notice printed on the envelope? Our thanks go to Frank Riding for that. He drew it on the envelope of a letter he sent to the Secretary. The Sec thought it good and asked Frank for permission to use it on our envelopes.
Frank, an Associate member, didn’t serve in the Cossacks but he did serve as a Writer on Admiral Philip Vian’s staff and became a lifetime devotee.
Membership Matters
Recruiting
Trying to recruit new members can be a very hit and miss affair. We target a number of publications including “Service Pals” on Teletext, The British Legion, The Navy News, etc. but how wide an audience we reach is difficult to say. Recently George Toomey, our Chairman, decided to send an advertisement to “Yours” magazine which is aimed at the older generation. He happened to see a copy of it in a newsagents and thought it worth a try.
By the time the advertisement went into the magazine George had moved house and, despite having mail addressed to G. Toomey re-directed by Royal Mail, he received a phone call from the people who bought his old house asking him what he wanted done with the letters addressed to Mr. T. Chairman. Intrigued, George went round and collected the letters. He found that they were replies to the notice in “Yours” magazine! Dashing off to the newsagents he bought a copy of the latest issue and read what the item actually said. Please get in touch if you have served on HMS Cossack. T. Chairman, 29 Sunningdale Drive, Chapel St. Leonards …. Evidently the sub-editor had tried to reduce the size of the notice and reduced “G. Toomey, Chairman, HMS Cossack Association, 29 Suningdale ….. to that. The surprising thing was that two of the replies were from our members. On the other hand, we did get a couple of new members from it!
Membership
Four new members have joined us since the last newsletter in September. They are:
S/M C.P. Chappell Mechanician 1st Class D57 1956-57 S/M T.J.S. Wesley Stoker Mechanic D57 1955-56 S/M R.J. Card Ord./Able Seaman D57 1957-58
Mr. J.A. Simmons Associate Member Nephew of Boy 1st class G.F. Simmons killed in L03 23/10/41
We have unfortunately lost another one of our shipmates and his obituary is given below.
Our total membership is now 285 (186 Full/Life members, 93 Associate members and 6 Honorary members). Obituary
S/M Lt.Cdr. Mike Champney
We learned of Mike Champney’s passing from the November issue of the Navy News to which it had been reported by the Submariners Association, although we subsequently had a letter from his widow. He died in 4th September at the age of 71.
Mike served as a Sub-Lieutenant in Cossack (D57) in 1952 but then transferred to the Submarine Service. He served in Artemis, Trespasser, Sentinel, Andrew , Aurochs, Alaric and Orpheous and was the Commanding Officer of the last two.
MAY HE FIND A SAFE HABOUR FOR EVER
The late Captain I.R. Bowden, RN
In the last newsletter we reported on the death of S/M Captain I.R. Bowden, RN (D57 1953-55). S/M Commander Crosbie wrote to say that he and Rodney Bowden served together in Cossack for 18 months during which time he proved to be a great asset professionally, socially and on the games field. He went on to say that as ship’s Gunnery and Cable Officers we successfully carried out bombardments and a series of moor ship in Borneo rivers - failures, if any, have been forgotten.
He also told us that Rodney Bowden also had a period as the Commander of HMY Britania and was a Lieutenant of the Victorian Order (LVO).
S/M Nigel Lester also wrote to say how sad he had been at hearing of the death. He said that in his time in Cossack he had quite a lot of dealing with Lt. Cdr. Bowden as he used to look after the radar and nav aids. One night the ship was somewhere well east of Japan when he got the Loran to finally work. It had never worked since Nigel had joined the ship so with great triumph he asked Lt.Cdr. Bowden for the ship’s position. They slightly disagreed so the Navigating Officer volunteered to check with the US ship with which they were sailing in company and the Loran was right! He accepted the result in a very gentlemanly way. “I think his position was by dead reckoning as it was late into the evening, or he had been in the Wardroom too long! Anyway we got on well together after that”. ______
Help & Advice
You may remember from the last newsletter that we never actually succeeded in getting help for Carole Poole when Ron was very ill. Geoff Scarlett asked SSAFA to investigate what went wrong but, sad to say, that we ended up with what seems to be the inevitable response these days - “There was a failure in communication”. Geoff was also asked to give us a write up of how best to get help when it’s needed. We are all getting on now and who can tell who will need help next? Anyway, Geoff has written down a few words of advice and they are given below.
REGULATIONS, REGULATIONS, REGULATIONS!
also known as
HELP, HELP, HELP!
By S/M Geoff Scarlett
As with all of you I was very sad to hear that Ron Poole had passed over the bar but also extremely frustrated to learn that some of the charities close to the Royal Navy had apparently failed to give the appropriate help when required.
In particular I have great respect for the work of SSAFA – now properly known as SSAFA Forces Help following the amalgamation of the two charities a couple of years ago. When I left the Andrew some 24 years ago my first civilian job was as the Chief Accountant of SSAFA and I am now working in a voluntary capacity as the Treasurer and as a Caseworker of the Petersfield Division of SSAFA Forces Help.
Just to set the scene, outside of Central Office in London, the SSAFA Forces Help branch network in the UK consists of some 7,000 volunteers broadly aligned to the County and Local Council boundaries. They and their counterparts in the Royal British Legion in general undergo a standard training programme organised in a number of locations throughout the country.
Without a doubt the most difficult aspect of the training is the assimilation of the plethora of regulations attaining to statutory entitlement to the numerous state benefits. Briefly, going through a small publication, I counted 26 separate benefits (and I don’t expect this is the limit) most of which were further sub-divided by additonal considerations. “Regulations, Regulations, Regulations!”
So, where do we go to seek “ Help, Help, Help?”
In attempting to answer this question and in deference to most of us being of “advanced age” this article refers largely to those of us drawing their State Pension. As a SSAFA Forces Help volunteer this sector provides me with 99% of my work. But don’t discount the younger person – they often require as much help.
To my mind there should be no better start than contacting your local SSAFA Forces Help organisation; their telephone number can be found in the local telephone directory or Yellow Pages or on the Internet – www.ssafa.org.uk. Remember, the sole criterion to obtaining SSAFA/FH help, whether advisory or financial, is that the customer has served one day or more in the Armed Forces.
However, as I stated earlier, statutory entitlement poses its own problems. Indeed, SSAFA Forces Help Volunteers are exorted that, as a first step, all entitlement to state benefit is ensured. The SSAFA/FH representative may well suggest that contact is first made with the local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB). CAB representatives are well versed in these matters and have a stock of the multitudinous, complex and lengthy forms required to make any necessary application for benefits. Should the problem be one of state pension (now known as Pensions Credit) then contact with the Pensions Credit Helpline (0800 99 1234) is also highly advisable. In my own dealings with this organisation I have found them to be extremely efficient and helpful. As a general guide if a single “pensioner” is getting less than £105-45 per week or a couple are getting less than £160-90 per week (the guarantee pension) then something could well be amiss. Surprise, surprise, the State does not provide everything and this is where the charitable organisations come into play. Virtually all of these charities, whether civilian or service will make considerations based on need.
For example, while out shopping I doubt whether many of you have avoided being run down by an EPV - an Electrically Propelled Vehicle - or in easier terms a “scooter”!) In general the State will not provide this form of transport and virtually all the EPV’s you see will have been financed privately or by charitable means. SSAFA/FH supports the Royal British Legion who run a “preferred provider “ scheme with The Mobility Bureau. The Army use this scheme more than the other services. The Royal Air Force has its own preferred provider and the Royal Navy charities tend to seek supply from the open market.
But outside the State provision SSAFA/FH can advise where additional finance or help is available. Indeed all the Service Charities look to SSAFA/FH to investigate and report on each prospective case. In other words, SSAFA/FH (and the Royal British Legion) have the key to unlock the massive help available through Service Charities.
The Army have one major charity – the Army Benevolent Fund. But each regiment, past and present, tends to have its own benevolent fund. The Royal Air Force also has one major charity – the Royal Air Force Benevolent Fund. The Royal Navy has the Royal Naval Benevolent Trust. All these funds are approachable through SSAFA/FH or the Royal British Legion.
Whatever the situation, if you perceive someone with a problem, please call on SSAFA Forces Help for advice. My own advice is that you have nothing to lose and you may have the satisfaction of helping someone in need.
You may think the Royal Naval Benevolent Trust is the only charity helping naval ex- servicemen and their dependants. But think again. Below I have listed some of the charities who can and will help if the circumstances dictate:
The Royal Naval Benevolent Trust 023 9266 0296 The Royal Naval Association 020 7352 6764 Royal Naval Benevolent Society for Officers 020 7402 5231 Navy Special Fund 023 9272 4506 Royal Navy and Royal Marines Children’s Fund 023 9263 9534 Royal Marines Benevolent Fund 0800 169 6347 Women’s Royal Naval Service Benevolent Trust 023 9267 9040 QARNNS Trust Fund 023 9272 7820 Royal Naval Reserve (V) Benevolent Fund 01446 771108 Sailors’ Families Society 01482 342331 Royal Alfred Seafarers’ Society 020 8401 2889 Aircrew Association Charitable Fund 01243 771403 British Korean Veterans (1981) Relief Fund 020 7973 7200 British Limbless Ex-Service Men’s Association 020 8590 1124 Burma Star Association 020 7823 4283 Combat Stress 01372 841600 1940 Dunkirk Veterans Association 020 7973 7243 Lloyds Patriotic Fund 020 7403 8783 Normandy Veterans Association 01902 842749 Officers’ Association 020 7930 0125 South Atlantic Medal Association (1982) 01495 227577 War Widows Association of Great Britain 0870 2411 305
AND THIS LIST IS BY NO MEANS EXHAUSTIVE !!! (but I think I am !!!
Can you help?
1. Dave Kendall (D57 1952-54) remembers an article about Cossack during the Korean War which was published in the Illustrated London News in 1952. He is trying to get a copy of it, so far without success. Do any of you remember the article and, more importantly, do you have a copy?
A copy of the article, or any information about it would be of great help. Keith Batchelor, our Archivist, reckons that if we could find out the date of publication we could get a copy from the British Library. However, we are hoping that one of you may have a copy stowed in your ditty box. Please let the Secretary know if you can help.
2. Our L03 members are getting a bit thin on the ground now but, with a bit of luck, someone may remember Ord. Signalman Tom Rainford. Tom was one of those lost when Cossack (L03) was torpedoed in October 1941. Craig Conway is an actor in the interpretation department of the Royal Armouries Museum, Leeds and Tom Rainford was his uncle. He hopes it might be possible to speak to someone who knew Tom.
S/M Harold Kirk is now our only member who was a Signalman and served in L03, albeit briefly when he transferred from Afridi with Captain Vian just before the Altmark incident. However, Harold had left the ship before Tom Rainford joined so he was unable to help.
If you knew Tom Rainford please let the Secretary know.
3. Does anyone remember Leading Writer Philip Gardner? He served in D57 from April 1949 to November 1951. Philip’s sister wrote to George Toomey (a.k.a T. Chairman) in response that advertisement which George put in “Yours” magazine.
Philip is now nearly blind, which is why his sister wrote the letter, but offered to help if he could. He lives in Beaconsfield, Bucks and I’m sure he would like to hear from anyone who knew him - Tel. No. 01494-672958.
Please let me the Secretary, Peter Harrison, know if you make contact. I joined the ship in December 1951 so I just missed him and, although in the same branch, can’t remember having bumped into him at any time.
Reunion 2005
There’s still about 4 months to go before the next reunion but I know that a few of you get twitchy about Christmas/New Year time and want to get things settled. So, the booking forms for the reunion are enclosed with this newsletter. Remember, the Hotel Booking Form must be sent directly to the hotel. It is just a booking form and no money should be sent with it. Payment for your stay should be made when you check out at the end. The hotel charges will be:
3 nights dinner, bed & breakfast £88.50 per person (Friday/Saturday/Sunday) 2 nights dinner, bed & breakfast £70.00 per person (Friday/Saturday) or (Saturday/Sunday) 1 night dinner, bed a breakfast £35.00 per person (Saturday only)
The other form, the Payment Form, is the one to be returned to the Association and covers extras and other items. It should be self-explanatory but should you not understand anything on it please telephone the Secretary (01252-613052). The surcharge of £5.00 per dinner ticket (to cover the extra expenses of putting on the weekend) should be paid with this form. The form can also be used to order Cash Prize raffle tickets and pay in advance annual subscriptions which will fall due on 1st May.
Full details of what will take place at the reunion will be in the next newsletter, probably in February, but the basic details are:
Friday 15th April 2005 Members and guests start to arrive. Setting up gets underway. Music for dancing and relaxation in the evening. Lamps start swinging. Archive displays to browse over. Raffle. Beer promotion with the reduced price of £1.80 a pint.
Saturday 16th April 2005Annual General Meeting in the morning. Formal banquet dinner in the evening. Door prize draw on conclusion. More music for dancing and relaxation. More lamp swinging. Cash Prize raffle and main raffle draws. Beer promotion prices continue.
Sunday 17th April 2005 Church service at Holy Trinity. Parade led by the Eastbourne Scottish Pipe Band along the Promenade back to the hotel. Buffet lunch. Sunday raffle (special). For those staying on, a time to relax. Music, etc. in the evening.
Usually we have had a bottle of something (whisky, brandy or champagne) with a couple of engraved glasses as our door prize drawn from the numbers on the dinner tickets. For the next one the prize has been kindly donated by Wallace Hotels, the owners of the Burlington Hotel. It will be for a weekend for two at any one of their hotels, at Eastbourne, Arochar in Scotland, Braemar in Scotland, Bournemouth, Sandown I.O.W., Exmouth, Babbacombe near Torquay, Newquay or Llandudno and will include accommodation, full English/Scottish breakfast and four course dinners. Remember, to win it you’ve got to be in it, so make sure you’re at the next reunion.
Our guest at the Saturday night dinner will be Bill Howe, a 104 year old who served in HMS Hood in 1922! We also invited Ted Briggs, last of the survivors from the Hood when she was sunk, but unfortunately he has had to decline.
With nearly 4 months to go it isn’t vital to send the forms off straight away. However, don’t lose them and please send them off by the end of February. ______
This next article came from Frank Spendelow. It was published in “Northern Lights”, the magazine of the North Russian Convoy Association. You will see immediately why it is of interest to us.
AN UNKNOWN "ALTMARK" PRISONERS STORY
Submitted by John Chittenden NRC No 0950
This ALTMARK story was copied from a letter found in a chest of drawers in USA, the chest was amongst antiques sent from England. The people mentioned are not known. The main clue could be via DORIC STAR I would imagine. It is pre Arctic Convoys days and if published it would be interesting to see if this struck a chord in anyone's memory.
H.M.S. Laird's Isle, c/o GPO London England
Dear Anna and Fay,
You have no idea how pleased I was on going up to the Blue Star Offices to receive a letter from you. I was surprised because, to the best of my knowledge you knew nothing of my hectic experiences. Better tell Fay to light a cigar.
This is a story that I have told so often but the first time that I have written. Well, as you know, I joined Doric Star in Auckland, New Zealand at about 1:15 pm on 17 October 1939 and was duly appointed 3rd Refrigeration Engineer. We left Auckland on Friday afternoon October 20th. Dad and the folks were down at Devonport Wharf to see me off and incidentally little did I think that I should remember that day and feel afterwards that that may be the last time I should see them.
We arrived at Sydney. Australia on Thursday October 26th and lay there until November 2nd when we left without convoy for Cape Town, South Africa. Arrived at Cape Town Nov. 27th and left for Freetown where we ware to take on oil fuel and pick up a convoy.
At about 1:15 pm Saturday December 2nd (a beautiful day) we heard a “wamph”. At first l thought that it was a shell exploded aft where we had a 4.7-inch gun fitted at Devonport, New Zealand, but it turned out to be 'Graf Spee" (thought by us to be "Von Sheer") shelling us from a range of about 7 miles. We were ordered to prepare to abandon ship and as I was off watch I went to my cabin and packed a small suitcase with my valuables. At approximately ten minutes later another shell came over bursting a shower of white- hot shrapnel over the decks. We knew by this time that it was a German Raider over the horizon and took to the boats. We were in the boats waiting for the Mates to come down when we saw a launch and boarding party from "Graf Spee" come around our bow and order us back aboard. We were not too keen to go back aboard as we had opened the sea-cocks and "Doric Star* was sinking, however, we had no alternative when threatened, so back aboard we went. Aboard again we had a roll-call and were told to collect knife, plate, fork, spoon, blankets, towel and soap, and we were then taken over to the *Graf Spee' by her launches.
Aboard the "Graf' we had a bath and went before their doctor for examination, meantime they shelled "Doric Star" and finally torpedoed her. We were confined to a small fo'c'sle about 25 feet square for the stay aboard the 'Graf'. There were 49 of us off the "Doric" and next morning after taking the 'Tairoa" there were 59 of us in this one 25 foot fo'c'sle. Still life aboard the 'Graf' wasn’t so bad, we were only here for meals (such as they were) and to sleep, all the rest of the time we spent on deck in the sun and got terribly sun burnt. Food aboard the 'Graf" was, as in the Altmark, terrible. Our first meal on the "Graf" was rye bread (stale with green mould on it, sausage, cold made from preserved raw bacon and fat, and coffee with no milk and sugar. Needless to say I didn't eat more then two mouthfuls. Breakfast was bread and sausage and coffee again. Lunch as on the four days aboard was pea soup, very thick and quite good really, at least the only meal I could eat. They also gave us cocoa made from chocolate taken from Doric Star and "Tairoa" with no milk, this was really good I had 4 cups, the only thing I had at that meal. On December 6th, Wednesday afternoon at about 3:30 pm, we wore transferred to the Altmark and here our troubles began.
Aboard the "Graf' we ware spoken to and known as Englishmen but aboard the Altmark we were almost immediately referred to as prisoners. That really expresses the difference. We were confined to our to our quarters which consisted of a steel hold and given carpets and bales of burlap as a scim to sleep on. The Altmark is a fleet auxiliary, equipped for a supply ship with tanks for oil fuel, summer decks and shelter decks, refrigerated for the storage of food and holds for the storage of ammunitions. It was in these ammunition holds that we were kept as prisoners. These holds had cleats on the deck and deck head for the fitting up of racks for the storage of bombs. Incidentally during our stay we knocked most of them off the deck, as we couldn’t sleep very well with 2½ inches of iron sticking in one's back.
Meals aboard the Altmark were much the same as on 'Graf'. We had 4 slices of bread for breakfast with tea, no milk or sugar, 4 days a week. Lunch was a pint per man of pea soup, supper 4 slices of bread, cup of milk less tea and cheese, or canned sausage on alternate nights. The pea soup invariably had huge pieces of meat in it remarkably like horse and large pieces of bacon rind, still we had to eat it or starve. On occasions they gave us a “Chef’s Special” as we called it consisting of preserved prunes and apricots, boiled in fat with raw-centred doughboys in it. It was terrible one absolutely could not eat it. We always dreaded this particular dish, as we were hungry for about three days after before we get back to normal again. After breakfast every morning we went up on deck for 1½ hours while the ‘Graf’ was afloat, but after the disappearance of ‘Graf’ (or rather scuttling) the Altmark started to run south. On Sunday December 17th the crew painted the entire ship grey and changed her name to "Haugesmaund" and flew the Dutch flag. When we went aboard her on December 6th she was called the 'Sogne' flying the Norwegian flag and had “Norge” in huge letters painted along her side. Well, we ran down south to about 1,300 miles south by west of Cape Town down in the cold “roaring forties". Just prior to running down here we were all called up on the fo’c’sle head and “Nitty Whiskers” as we called him addressed us. He told us “we were under German Martial Law as prisoners on the "Altmark". England may have won the last war but she would not win this war. It was not for him to prophesy but, until such time as Germany acquired her colonies, we were to be prisoners aboard this ship”. “Any opposition to guards or disturbance would be dealt with as he saw fit, etc, etc." These were the main points of his declaration. During this address he had two machine guns trained on us from the bridge, a 1½- inch pom-pom from the Monkey Island above the bridge, ten guards with rifles on the wings of the bridge and the rest of the guards along the catwalk with revolvers and daggers. And then they say that Altmark wasn't armed. The guards (there were about 50 of them) wore belts, with revolvers and knives, the whole time we were aboard. At about the beginning of February we left our rendezvous and started to head north for Germany. They would travel full out during the hours of darkness and normal tanker speed during the day. At about this time we were all properly fed up and I think most of us would even have been pleased to get to Germany even if it was only to relieve the monotony.
Here let me describe our prison. There were two exits only to the hold we were in. A trunk about four feet square running right down to the bottom deck and a loading hatch about 8 foot square divided down the middle. They fitted a wooden frame over the loading hatch (made from 6" x 2” planks spaced about 9” apart. During the night they covered this with a tarpaulin and generally removed both tarpaulin and cover during the day. Where this other exit - 4 foot square trunk - came up through the shelter deck to open out on the fo’c’sle head they had cut a door out about 5' x 2'6”' opening out on to the well deck so that we could Iower our food down during bad weather without going out to the fo'c'sle head. This said trunk came up through the shelter deck like a 4-foot square pillar and one could walk round it. On the fo’c’sle head where this trunk opened out was fitted a steel flap lid which was closed and locked during darkness and opened during the day.
Well, we continued north day by day, waiting here and there for the moon and eventually arrived so far north between lceland and the Faroes Islands that them was quite an amount of ice forming on the deck and fittings. It was bitterly cold and when we exercised on deck on the Sunday prior to our rescue - incidentally our last ½ hour of exercise prior to our rescue, some of us could not stay up for the full time despite the fact that we looked forward to our exercise as a hungry dog looks for a meal.
On Wednesday morning when the "Peggys" went along for our breakfast they told us that there was land on both sides, so of course this led to quite a lot of conjecture on our part as to what part of the world we were at. The 2nd Mate of the Doric Star had a chart of the South and North Atlantic and during our term of imprisonment he and I drew up a rough sextant comprising of a 90º angle marked off in degrees with a pin at 0º fitted with a plumb-bob. By holding this sextant so that the string was parallel with the 0º line and getting the mean reading at approximately midday from the rays of any sun that shone down the loading hatch we managed to plot a rough course. Of course the drift, speed, etc. was entirely by guesswork but we feel sure now that it will be of great value to the British Admiralty. At least they were overjoyed to receive it when we ware aboard Cossack.
Now we were at a point approximately 140 miles off Bergen on our reckoning during Tuesday evening and at 7 am Wednesday we were off the coast of Norway. So it just goes to show how close we were to our exact position. During Wednesday evening they started the winches on deck and at about 9 pm put into harbour, which turned out to be Bergen. How it is published that the Norwegian authorities searched Altmark at Bergen I don’t know but I can assure you that no boarding party came aboard us during our stay there. I kept a watch for about 1½ hours by pushing my head up between the wooden cover planks and looking through a peephole that we had cut in the covering tarpaulin. We went into Bergen harbour as I already mentioned at approximately 9:00 pm and left there about 6:30 am Thursday before dawn. By daylight we were down among the fiords heading for Kiel.
At about 9:30 am, we were stopped by a Norwegian gunboat and you should have heard the noise we kicked up in an endeavour to attract attention. We shouted below, blew whistles, sang the National Anthem and generally created a disturbance but only succeeded in having another winch started on deck to drown our noise and they turned salt-water hoses on us to keep us quiet. At lunchtime, we were stopped again by two gunboats and a cruiser. We started our racket again only to get more salt water from the hoses and finally they turned our lights out. However we were not beaten yet and with the aid of a battering ram almost succeeded in getting our wooden hatch cover off. During this time one of the gunboats was about 20 yards off our port bow and still they took no notice of us. We threw plates up through the broken hatch cover, made a flag out of rags and tied it to a broomstick, pushed it up and down through a hole but all to no avail. Finally the cruiser left us at about 4:30 pm and we proceeded on our way actually being escorted by two Norwegian submarine chasers about 8 miles aft.
Nothing eventful happened on Thursday night except that about 30 armed guards and crew came along and removed the wooden hatch covers and replaced them with a steel lid which was screwed down. The other exit by the way of the door in the trunk was bound round and round with fathoms of ¾" stranded steel cable. We had no chance or possibility of getting out of that hold and I honestly believe that had the Altmark been challenged on the high seas instead of being driven into Josing Fjord we would have gone down with her when they scuttled her. As scuttle her they were determined to do. They actually came round and saw that all the spring-loaded sea valves in each deck were in working order on the Tuesday before our rescue. Another young chap and I kept watch between 1 am and 2 am Friday morning but nothing happened. Everything was quiet and we peacefully steamed south down the fiords heading for Kiel and Hamburg. During the morning they sent down a case of biscuits exactly four biscuits per man, also 5 gallons of drinking water. This was all we were to expect on Friday owing to the noise we had kicked up on Thursday - little did they know. We expected to arrive at Hamburg at about 2 am Saturday, but still we told each other that the Altmark had even yet to go through the Navy’s Blockade. How true we were but how hard it was just waiting and waiting.
At about 4:30 pm Friday we heard the sound of an aeroplane and then there was a scatter on deck amongst the guards and crew. You can understand if I tell you that they kept the winches on the well-deck running all the time from when they started them on Wednesday and they were still running when we heard the plane overhead on Friday afternoon. This was why the plane sighted the Altmark before they sighted it. They couldn't hear it approaching because of the winches they had started to drown any noise we might make. When the plane dived on us to read the name on the stern you should have seen the "Jerries" scatter. It was a picture despite the fact that we could see them only through a small crack, and then only one of us could see at a time. They rushed into their accommodations removed their usual patrol jackets and gun belts and when we next saw them were in their go-ashore uniforms and life jackets complete with suit cases to abandon ship. Those boys sure got a scare and were we pleased. You see we reckoned that there was only one flag to make us put on our life jackets, so same applied to them, and we knew it was either a British or French plane overhead. A few minutes after hearing the plane we started to gather speed and the fiords just seemed to slide past. About an hour later we could see black spots astern closing on us - these we concluded to be motor torpedo boats, but we found out later they were actually Norwegian submarine chasers coming to the aid of the Atmark, the b------s!
Soon after this the Altmark altered course and ran up a fjord actually a large fiord leading into Josing Fjord. We stopped for about an hour and at about 6:30 ran right into Josing Fjord breaking ice all the way in. Josing Fjord is blind with a very narrow entrance opening out like a lagoon inside and all surrounded by towering cliffs. Well, we ran in here and turned around with our bows facing the entrance so she could sneak out again in a hurry. We were in this position when the Cossack closed in to the entrance at about 7:00 pm. Meantime two Norwegian submarine chasers had been joined by another and taken up their positions at the entrance to the fjord. When the Cossack came up to them they ordered her out of territorial waters so the Commander got in touch with the Admiralty and Mr. Churchill, after withdrawing to his flotilla and received advice back at about 10:00 pm to go in and get the prisoners off Altmark at all costs. In he came again at 10:30 pm accompanied by a destroyer and cruiser only to be challenged again by the Norwegians. They turned their guns and torpedo tubes on the Cossack and threatened to open fire. Commander Vian of the Cossack told them that if they opened fire he would not hesitate to blow them out of the water. This led to a parley and Commander Vian suggested a joint British and Norwegian boarding party to go aboard the Altmark and take her back to Bergen and search her as per international Law. On submitting this idea to the Norwegian Commander he said that it would be necessary for him to communicate with his Government before he could agree. Commander Vian asked him how long this would take and received an answer of about 15 to 20 minutes. “Too bloody long. I am going in” was Commander Vian's reply, and in he went. The Norwegians came in with him and drew to the left hand side of the fjord while he went around to get alongside Altmark preparatory to setting his boarding party aboard. It was necessary for him to do this owing to the limited space he had in which to manoeuvre. He steamed around the bow of the Altmark' and presented his port beam to the Altmark’s bow in order to bring his port bow alongside the Altmark's port beam. While he was manoeuvring to come round, the Altmark came full speed ahead in an endeavour to ram the Cossack amidships. The Commander rang full astern on the Cossack and while the bow of the Altmark was travelling alongside of the Cossack some of the boarding party boarded the Altmark on the fo'c'sle head,
Meantime the Altmark stopped when they saw that their ramming idea failed although they almost succeeded, and the boarding officers from the Cossack immediately made their way to the Atmark's bridge. When boarding officer Smith opened the Captain's cabin door he was shot in the arm by a revolver, as you have doubtless read. This was a booby trap gun rigged up to operate when the door was opened. Boarding officer Turner was so annoyed over this that he laid the helmsman out cold with the butt al his revolver, struck both officers on the bridge with his fists and then rang full astern on the ship's telegraph to the engine room. Naturally the engineers thought it was their own officer's orders and gave them full astern, and that is the story of how the Altmark was put hard and fast on the rocks in Josing Fjord. Meantime the boarding party marines had boarded by boat amidships and there was a bit of a scrap. A few Germans were killed and things generally cleaned up or rather messed up. Everybody aboard the Altmark were armed when the boarding party boarded, even to engineers in the engine room, and when two of the marines went down to get everybody up, an engineer took a revolver out of his boiler suit and fired at them. Fortunately he missed the first marine and the second marine up with his rifle and took a shot at the engineer. I am afraid this engineer will do no more engineering for the Reich as his head was shattered by the marine's shot.
Meantime we are still in our prison and keeping as quiet as possible to, hear what is going on. We could hear rifle and revolver shots, we felt her go aground and were all ready with life jackets and gear - such at we had, to get out and take to the water if necessary as we didn't actually know we were in a small fjord nor whether or not we had been holed by going aground or if we were sinking or just what was going on. Soon after we heard running feet and then the wire rope being removed from the trunk door. It took them fully three minutes to remove the lengths of cable and then we heard them call those welcome words we had waited eleven weeks for, "Are there any Englishmen down there" - we answered "Yes!" all together then they answered - "We are a British Cruiser come to take you home to England”.
Well - I can't describe the feeling. I have never experienced it before, all I know is that I had my arms around the 3rd of the Doric Star" (we had been pals and carpet bed-mates all the time we were aboard the Altmark) and he had his arms around me and we were shouting - "Saved - Saved at last, thank God for the Navy'. I was very near tears and so was he. Some went up the trunk and then they removed the steel lid from the loading hatch and the rest got up that way, me included. I also brought up the 2nd's of the Tairoa’s suitcase. He was so overcome at being rescued that he forgot all about his little gear he had saved Well, we assembled on the for'ard well deck where we used to exercise on the few occasions we were permitted to do so - sometimes we would go from eight to ten days with no exercise at all and then only get half an hour. When the Cossack came alongside we actually stepped straight up off the portside of Altmark on to the port side of the Cossack. When I was getting over the handrail of the Cossack a sailor said to me “It's alright mate there is no need to hurry". My reply was, "Leave it to me mate I can't get off the b----- ship quickly enough “. The Cossack left the Altmark at 11:55 pm Friday and turned around and headed out of the fjord. When coming out we met the three Norwegian chasers and, thinking they were British, gave them a rousing cheer. If only we had known that they were Norwegian. We heard the Commander call from the bridge that he had over 300 British prisoners aboard and what about it now? This was the answer to the Norwegian's persistent claim and vow that they had thoroughly searched the Altmark on two occasions and there were no British prisoners aboard. I might also mention that when Turner asked the Captain of Altmark (Captain Dow, alias 'Nitty-whiskers' to us) where his prisoners were, he denied three times that he had any prisoners aboard and it was the prison officer (Officer Schmitt alias 'Cherub' to us) who told him where we all were.
It was an honest belief that among the young Germans both aboard the Graf Spee and Altmark that they would lose their hands and feet if taken prisoner by England for actively fighting against her. So much did they believe this that two young guards, incidentally the finest young boys we met on either ship, one about 18 and the other 20 actually committed suicide on the fo’c’sle head while we were getting off on to the Cossack. The younger shot himself in the mouth, the other behind the ear. I actually saw them do it. Evidently they had a pact if such a thing as the possibility of their being taken prisoner ever arose. So much for Nazi propaganda. I must say I felt a little sick when I saw them do it, as they were certainly fine young fellows. If there are any good Germans they are both of them.
Well we joined the flotilla outside the fjords and headed for the Firth of Forth and Leith. Actually until we were about 50 miles away from the Norwegian coast we were escorted by 15 destroyers and 5 cruisers and after that we carried on with the flotilla of 4 destroyers and a cruiser. Aboard the Cossack we went down into the officer’s wardroom and was given any drink or any number of cigarettes we wanted. They ran out of brandy so I had two whiskies and had had enough. Saturday morning we went up on deck despite the cold weather and I can assure you it was a wonderful feeling to be free to breathe the air and see the British Navy, there were two escorting destroyers on our starboard beam, two more on our port beam, a cruiser about 4 miles aft and two Wellington bombers leisurely circling overhead. On the way over we altered course and there was a blowing of sirens while a destroyer swung around and steamed aft. I watched to see what was going to happen and saw a few spurts of water about 100 yards off her beam and asked one the gunners what it was all about, he went off and found out that they had just 'popped off' 4 mines that the aeroplanes had sighted in Cossack's path. Quite usual, it was all in a days work! When off the coast of Scotland we were joined by a squadron of 9 Spitfires lust in care 'Jerry' came out after us. Eventually we landed at Leith about 4:00 pm
Saturday and here again I was almost in tears when I saw the way everybody had assembled to greet us and the way they cheered us right from the Boom Blockade at the Firth entrance. Every little trawler and ship we steamed past cheered and sounded its whistle at us. I can assure you my eyes were damp and I was swallowing hard, yet I felt like the rest of us, the happiest and luckiest men to be alive in the world.
We were taken to hospital for examination, parties of so many to each hospital. At the hospital the first thing that we wanted was a bath and you should have seen the water after. The doctor told me that he thought I was sun burnt when I got in, but he could see that it was all dirt. You see we were given 3 pints of water per day semi-salt at that, to bath in and had no soap for over a month. I certainly needed Lifebuoy and how! That night we stayed at the hospital.
Next day. We journeyed down to Newcastle where we stayed the night. On Monday we came down to London, all by rail passes issued by the Shipping Federation. Well, I didn't know a soul in London and as I had come down from Edinburgh with the Chief Steward off the Doric Star, naturally I went to stay at a friend's of his. He left for Southampton the next day so I stayed at his friend’s place where they made me very welcome.
I went in to see the Blue Star Line on the Tuesday to see how I was placed for money, etc. They turned me down flat and said that they had plenty of engineers meantime, and to see them in a month. This wasn't so good for a fellow about my size so I went to see the Navigator and Engineer Officers Union where I met Captain Coombe, the Secretary. He took me to a dinner of the Anchorites Club, where I met all the Sirs, Admirals, MPs, Ship Owners and naval heads of England. The dinner was given to the Commanders of the “Exeter” and "Ajax” and me being a guest of Captain Coombe and the only survivor of the Altmark present, was asked to get up and relate my experiences. This I did and received tremendous applause. I felt very pleased with myself.
I was also raked in to speak at Barking Theatre from the stage and there met the Mayor and Mayoress, only to receive an invitation to dine with them in the Mayors Parlour at a date to be advised. This invitation was duly accepted and the date set and the dinner really enjoyed. I also had a photo and write up in the paper. I was netted in to appear on the stage at an IIford theatre, which I did, and was paid for this. I also presented the Essex Vase to the winning dog at Romford Stadium and was paid for this too. By this means I contrived to exist until I received the welcome news that the Ministry of Shipping was going to pay me forty pounds on my ninety-three pound claim for loss of effects. I am also to receive about twenty-six pounds for detention money while prisoner on Altmark.
At present, as doubtless you have noted from my address, I am in the Royal Navy. Yes! I joined this ship the "Laird's Isle” on 8th March as a junior engineer and last week they promoted me to 4th engineer and gave me a pound a week rise, so the sun has risen again for me. I am signed on for a period of 12 months with the option of renewal after that time if the war is still on.
I am surprised at England's attitude of the war, one wouldn't know there was a war on over here if it wasn't for all the khaki and uniforms. I cannot disclose our work on the 'Laird's Isle'. Sufficient for me to say that she was made 'HMS" at the outbreak of war and now we are getting repairs where she was damaged when she was rammed just prior to me joining her.
Well this is longer than intended writing, but you can blame yourself because you asked me for ALL about what happened and to give you all the news. Tell Fay he can put his cigar out now it's finished.
Yours Colin ______
So, who was Colin? In the book “Hunt the Altmark” the names of prisoners released from Altmark are given. Under Doric Star, the following engineers who might fit the bill are mentioned: A.J. Walls (asst. engr.), P. Bowie (asst. engr.), T.J. Layton (jun. 3rd engr.), A.C. Watt (asst. engr.), R.A. Curtis (3rd engr.), with A.C. Watt the most likely because his second initial is “C” which could be Colin. On the other hand, in the book “The Navy’s Here” T.G. Leighton (as opposed to T.J. Layton as above) is shown as assistant refrigeration engineer and junior 3rd engineer. I’ll have to set George off on another “Quest”. I think he has already got a contact with the Merchant Navy Association. ______To sail no more S/M Nigel Lester sent in this extract from the book “To sail no more” by Ian Buxton & Ben Warlow, which he discovered in his local library. The book is obviously about the breaking up of ships no longer required. The shipbreaker would render all his figures to BISCO, who would then prepare a final account, both if outturn of materials and of costs. A summuary of those for a battleship and destroyer are shown.
HOWE 35000 tons standard displacement. Completed 1942. Arrived T W Ward’s Inverkeithing yard 4 June 1958. Demolition completed September 1961. Tons Av £/ton £ Steel scrap 19626 11.1 217,848 Armour scrap 11661 18.5 215,943 Non-ferrous 1934 140.2 271,073 Reusables, sundries and oil 765 19.5 14,946 Total sales 33986 21.18 719,810 Demolition costs 4.98 169,388 Towage, carriage, etc. 69,068 Total costs 7.02 238,456 Surplus 14.16 481,354 On standard displacement, surplus equates to £13.75 per ton. Thus if tenders had been sought for the sale of HOWE, and the breaker has correctly estimated the likely outturn, then he could have bid up to £480,000 less his anticipated profit margin. The sales income would then have covered not only demolition costs and purchase price, but hopefully left a reasonable margin for profit.
COSSACK 1710 tons standard displacement. Completed 1945. Arrived T W Ward’s Grays yard 2 February 1960. Demolition completed March 1961.
Tons Av £/ton £ Steel scrap 1071 11.04 11,821 Non-ferrous 140 177.00 24,777 Reusables, ballast, etc. 206 18.70 3,845 Total sales 1417 28.54 40,443
Demolition costs 6.44 9,123 Towage, carriage, etc. 4,105 Total costs 9.34 13,228 Surplus 19.20 27,215
On standard displacement, surplus equates to £15.92 per ton. The standard displacement included consumable items such as stores, ammunition, water, etc. so the saleable light displacement was less than 1710 tons.
The BISCO scheme was wound up in 1962-3, after which the Admiralty, later the Ministry of Defence, would invite tenders for purchase of surplus ships, usually as ‘lies’, ie in whatever condition the ship was, wherever it was lying. …………..
Doesn’t seem very much for the poor old Cossack after all those years of service does it? ______
Sometimes, but not often, I don’t have to scratch around for things to put in the Chronicle. This that follows was received separately from two members, George Toomey (Chairman) and Ken Satterthwaite (Parade Marshal). Perhaps they read the same paper! Ken’s was embellished with a picture of the VICTORY which I hope I can reproduce here, although his was in colour and this will be in grey.
A politically correct version of the Battle of Trafalgar - Or how we would have lost it
It is almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar.
To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?
You are now at sea on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, ‘HMS Appeasement’.
Nelson -"Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy - "Aye, aye sir." Nelson -"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy - "Sorry sir?" but Human Resources Department has amended it to:
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.
Nelson - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy - "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson - "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy - "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working Environments. " Nelson - "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy - "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson - "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." Hardy - "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson - "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy - "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson - "What?" Hardy - "The Health and Safety Department have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harnesses available. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson - "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy - Sorry Sir, "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral" Nelson - "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy - DDA Regulations Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson - "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.” Hardy - "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson - "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy - "A couple of problems there too, sir. The Health and Safety Department won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson - "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy - "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." " Nelson - What? This is mutiny." Hardy - "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson - "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy - "Actually, sir, we're not" Nelson - "We're not?" Hardy - "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson - "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil" Hardy - "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary." Nelson - "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your king."
Hardy - "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." Nelson - "Don't tell me - health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy - "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment"
Nelson - "What about sodomy?" Hardy - "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
In that case, “Kiss me Hardy”
An apology
Due to shortage of space in this newsletter we have had to leave out the second part of “I was THERE, WHERE?” by Alec Kellaway. Sorry about that, it will be in the next one. If anyone was desperately looking forward to it and can’t wait, send a stamped addressed envelope to the Secretary (address given on page 1) and he will send you the full story. ______
Another sent in by George T, I suspect that this one was purloined from “Yours” magazine.
The Francis FulforD/Ebenezer Scrooge GuIde to how not to spend money this Christmas
1. Where lots of woolly jumpers and hats and turn off the central heating. Get your dogs to sleep on your bed so you won’t need an electric blanket.
2. Shop online so you’re not tempted by special offers and end up buying things that you don’t really want.
3. Don’t buy new clothes - just get your wife to mend the old ones. Best of all, get her to mend your clothes and then give them back to you for Christmas.
4. Send your children out to earn money - be it paper rounds, carol singing or whatever. If they are working, they’re not spending.
5. Boycott the supermarket and buy your provisions at a traditional greengrocer, butcher and fishmonger instead.
6. Re-use last year’s Christmas cards, using Tippex to cover up the ink.
7. Buy cheap gin and whisky and decant them into expensive bottles from the tip. If you’re really mean, add 10% water. 8. If you make someone a gin and tonic, fill up the glass with tonic, dip your finger in the gin and rub it round the rim of the glass. They’ll think they’ve had a strong drink.
9. Buy presents from junk shops and auction houses. People won’t know whether you’ve spent 50p or £50.
10. Give yourself a bicycle as a present. You can work off the Christmas excesses and it’ll save you money next year.
Bah! Humbug! ______
An elderly gentleman went to the local pharmacy and asked for some Viagra.
The pharmacist asked “How many?” The man replied, “Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into 4 pieces. The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through sex.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past eighty years old and I don’t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes…”
Subject: Ten good golf caddy replies
#10 Golfer “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long, sir.”
#9 Golfer “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy “Try heaven sir, you’ve already moved most of the earth.” #8 Golfer “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.” #7 Golfer “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” Caddy “Eventually sir” #6 Golfer “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.” #5 Golfer “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy “It’s not a watch, sir - it’s a compass.” #4 Golfer “How do you like my game?” Caddy “Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf.” #3 Golfer “Do you think it’s a sin to play golf on Sunday?” Caddy “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.” #2 Golfer “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy “This isn’t the golf course, sir. We left that an hour ago.
#1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old looking.” Caddy “Its been an awful long time since we teed off, sir.”
The last two pieces came from Ken Satterthwaite. The cartoon below was supplied by Frank Spendelow, one of our frequent contributors. Some more Spendelow Snippets from Frank follow.
I read this article the other day which said that the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
If you are feeling good - don’t worry, you’ll soon get over it.
A man driving along the road spots a sign outside a pub. Pop in for a Pie and a Pint and a friendly word. Impressed by this he went in. The Landlord served him with the Pie and a Pint. The man said, “What about the Friendly Word?” The Landlord leaned over the bar and said, “Don’t eat the pie”.
Submariner’s Lament
Oh Lord send down a dove With wings as sharp as razors To cut the throats of them there blokes What sells bad beer to sailors.
Sailor’s Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep For if I die, as like as not Some rotten sod will swipe my tot. Below, thanks to George T. ( and ‘NAVY NEWS’) ______
To try to keep you mildly amused over the Christmas/New Year period here are a few more hours. These from Bill Bartholomew.
Performance Appraisals
These days there’s all sorts of hoops through which employees, including those in the services, have to jump these days, and one of them is Performance Appraisals. Here are a few of the true meanings of comments from such performance appraisals:
Great Presentation skills Able to bullshit Good Communication skills Spends a lot of time on the phone Average employee No too bright Exceptionally well qualified Made no major blunders yet Work is first priority Too ugly to get a date Active socially Drinks a lot Family is active socially Spouse drinks too Independent worker Nobody knows what he/she does Quick thinker Offers plausible excuses Careful thinker Won’t make a decision Aggressive Obnoxious Uses logic on difficult jobs Gets someone else to do it Expresses themselves well Speaks English Meticulous attention to detail A nit picker Has leadership qualities Is tall or has a loud voice Exceptionally good judgement Lucky Keen sense of humour Knows a lot of dirty jokes Career minded Backstabber Loyal Can’t get a job anywhere else ______
An old snake goes to see his doctor
“ Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.” The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?” “ The glasses are fine Doc, but I’ve just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past two years!” ______
Medical Convention
A Japanese doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A British doctor says, “In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work.” ______
Well that’s it folks. Another year almost over and another in which I have been honoured to serve with you all. For those of you who have lost your mate, those of you or your spouses who are unwell and for those who will be alone this Christmas, we hope things will be better next year.
To each and every one of you we wish you all the season’s greetings and best wishes.
See you next year.