Tips for Single Fathers

Whether you are a single dad as a result of a divorce or death, it can be traumatic for every person involved. Many single dads are anxious about their new role—How do you stay in touch with your children if you only see them once a week? How do you provide a home for them while working full time? Being a single dad can be an ongoing challenge, but with a little work it can be very rewarding.

Newly Single — If you are newly single, be sure to communicate your feelings with your family, friends, and children. You have experienced a major life change, and you can't expect to move forward until you have worked through your feelings. Through talking and sharing, you also build your own support group. Therapy is a good option. You can examine your marriage, what worked and what did not, deal with your grief, and begin to move on. Support groups through single parent organizations like Parents Without Partners (http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org) also provide peer based support, which helps if you are feeling particularly alone.

Communicate — Communicate honestly with your kids, and don't let yourself appear unmoved or unemotional. Your kids are probably worried about you, and you need to show them that although you may be hurting you are going to be okay. If your wife has died, talking with your kids will help them handle their grief and will help strengthen and build your new relationship. If you are divorced stress to your kids that the divorce is not their fault and that they cannot fix it.

Your kids need to be aware of your feelings to know that you care, but be careful. Don't completely unload your feelings on them. It is unhealthy to be emotionally dependent on them since they are neither adults nor your peers. Let them be children and recognize healthy boundaries. Your social and emotional needs can best be met in other ways.

For the benefit of your kids who are depending on you, resolve to look forward to new opportunities and your new life.

Develop Your Strengths — A common misconception among single parents is that they need to be both mom and dad. It is difficult enough to have one of these roles, so don't stress yourself by trying to tackle both. Instead, be the best father you can be. This means developing the strengths that you have. You may not know everything that their mother does, but your kids don't expect that. It will be more reassuring for them if you are the same person you've always been; and it is what they are accustomed to. What are your strengths? What did you and your kids do to have fun before you became a single parent? When did you feel like a successful parent before? What did you do? Use these past successes as a foundation and incorporate the old into the new. Be Honest and Dependable — If you see your children less frequently than you are used to, you may be tempted to make promises or make plans that you are unable to honor. You may have the best intentions or you may over commit because you don't want to tell them "no," but canceling plans and creating disappointment makes things worse in the long run.

A broken promise is more hurtful than a direct "no." Don't make a promise or a plan unless you know without a doubt that you can uphold it. Broken promises are a barrier to creating and maintaining a healthy father-child relationship. If you cannot attend a game or take them on a trip, gently explain why but also offer suggestions of what you can do. You are still showing your children that you care but you are being more realistic.

The Divorced Single Dad —

Two Houses: Two Lives — If you are divorced and your children split their time between two houses, be sensitive. Not only do they have to adjust to the fact that their parents are divorced, they have a new environment to navigate: your new home. Any new home comes with new rules and new expectations. It may take your children some time to adjust and remember how things work. Be clear with your expectations and make the transition between houses as easy as possible. This can mean maintaining a similar structure and a routine of meal times, bedtimes and chores.

Your children may try to take advantage of the two houses, complaining that their mother allows things that you do not. This may or may not be the truth, but the best way to address it is to stay firm in your decisions and expectations. As much as children resist structure and rules, it is ultimately what they are craving.

If your children purposefully break your rules, don't rush to discipline. The defiance could be one expression of their anger and frustration. They may also be testing your love and their limits. Be firm and gentle and encourage discussion. They may only need a listening ear and proof that you are present in their lives. When you do correct them make sure that your criticism is firm but loving and stay positive.

You and Their Mom — Although it may be difficult at first, remember that their mother is equally as important in their lives as you are. Work hard to maintain a healthy, communicative relationship with her. Your children want both of you in their lives. You will make the situation more difficult by making negative comments about her or asking prying questions that put your children in the middle. Prove to your children that you are mature and model good conflict-resolution skills.

Furthermore, though you may not live together, you can still be a team. She will need your support in parenting and establishing rules, and you will need hers also. You can still be a united strength in your children's lives even if you are divorced. Though difficult at first, maintain open lines of communication for the benefit of your children. You and Your Children — Your children need you regardless of whether their mother is available or not. Become involved in their lives. This means birthdays, celebrations, school plays, games, good grades, and bad days. Here are a few suggestions for creating and maintaining your relationship with your children.

. Spend quality time with each child individually without any other family members or friends around. Although it may be awkward at first, this time fosters the special relationship you are seeking. Go for a walk, take them swinging at the park, or play a game of catch.

. Read together. Younger children enjoy bedtime stories, and if your children are too old, share books, magazines, or newspaper articles with them. This provides a casual way to express your feelings about issues or address problems.

. Clear your schedule. If you see your children only on weekends or less frequently, ensure that those days are clear of other obligations so you can devote your time solely to them.

. Write to them, either by mail or email. Keep a supply of pre-stamped post cards to write brief messages to them whenever you think about it. Email or instant messenging are great ways to keep you more immediately connected.

. Participate in their extracurricular activities. If they are on a sports team, volunteer to be a coach or a member of the car pool.

. Visit their schools. Your children spend at least six hours a day in school, but they are still available to you. Call their teachers to see if they need any help in the classroom; most are glad to have a helper for an hour a day. Eat lunch with them or read a story. You will be able to interact with their friends and be a visible part of their lives.

. Call them just to talk. You can call to make plans and pick-up arrangements, but use the call to see how their day is going. Ask them more than yes or no questions and encourage them to share their lives with you. You may not be there every day, but you can still be involved.

. Display pictures. Take pictures of your kids and display them along with their artwork at work and in your home. It is a constant and comforting reminder for you when they are not around. Just because you are a single father does not mean that you can't be a good father. These suggestions are only the beginning to building a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Remember that relationships are strengthened and developed through conflict and adversity, but it is up to you take on the challenge. Resources — For information about divorce or the death of a loved one, please see a complete listing of United Behavioral Health's articles on www.liveandworkwell.com.

Find support for single parents on the following web sites:

. http://www.dadsanddaughters.org

. http://www.parentswithoutpartners.com

. http://wwww.singlefather.org

. http://www.singleparentcentral.com The information about educational or therapeutic approaches is provided for educational purposes only. Certain treatments may or may not be covered through your benefit plan. Coverage typically depends on your plan specifications and relevant guidelines maintained in relation to your benefit plan.