Pre-Process Work

Hoffman UK Pre-Course Work

Hoffman Process Pre-Course Work

Name: Process date:

Why do I need to do the Pre-Course Work (PCW)?  To provide you with a way of discovering and understanding more about who you are and why you behave in the ways you do.  To prepare you for the important work you will do on the Hoffman Process.  To explore and make connections between your childhood and the challenges you experience today.

How do I complete the PCW?  Simply click the field you wish to fill in and then type away.  Save regularly as you work through the document.  Allow 6-8 hours to complete this work.  In preparation we recommend you read the Pre-Process Guide (‘the Guide’). This provides help with completing this Pre-Course Work, and advice on preparing for the Process week.

What reactions might I experience while completing the PCW?  A variety of feelings ranging from anger to relief.  Negative patterns such as procrastination, perfectionism, self-doubt, cynicism, blame, competitiveness, people pleasing, fear of hurting people’s feelings etc. We invite you to be aware of these patterns and continue with the work.  If you need any support while completing the work, phone the Hoffman office on +44(0)1903 889990 Who will read my PCW?  A member of the Hoffman enrolment team and one of the course facilitators who will be working with you. It is their intention to understand your history, your life today, your challenges and how to best support you.  If for any reason the facilitator feels that you would benefit from some individual work prior to attending, we will let you know.  For confidentiality and data protection, at the end of your course your PCW will be deleted from our systems or destroyed if sent in paper form.

What do I do with the completed PCW?  Email the PCW with a recent photograph of yourself to [email protected].  Please ensure that Hoffman receive your PCW at least two weeks before your Process start date.  Print a copy of the completed PCW and bring it with you to the Process.

1 Hoffman UK Pre-Course Work

My Life Today

1. Briefly describe your life right now.

2. What are the things that you would most like to change in your life?

3. Please assess your current situation, 0 = very bad 10 = excellent. Life overall Opinion of yourself Treatment of yourself/your body Ability to enjoy life Ability to be honest about your feelings Ability to ask for help Your relationship with your children Your relationship with your spouse/partner Your relationship with your friends Your relationship with people at work/college

4. What do you hope to gain from doing the Hoffman Process?

5. How or from whom did you learn about the Hoffman Process?

6. What is your current relationship status?

7. If you are in a relationship, what is the name of your spouse or partner?

8. Do you live together? How many years have you been together?

9. Have you been widowed, separated, or divorced? If yes, in what year did this event, or these events, take place?

10. Do you have any other significant relationship(s)?

11. If you have children, list their name(s), gender, and age. Please also indicate if they are from a previous relationship.

12. If you had a child who died, what age were they, and in what year did they die?

13. Are you employed? If so, what is your occupation?

14. Are you fulfilled in your work? Would you say you have a healthy work-life balance?

15. If you are not employed, and could choose your profession, what would it be?

16. Is there anything else that you would like to add?

Your Family of Origin

17. Name, age & profession of your mother. Is she still alive? If not, when and how did she die?

18. Name, age & profession of your father. Is he still alive? If not, when and how did he die?

19. Were you adopted? If yes, what age were you? Have you met your biological parents and, if so, when?

20. Were there any unusual or notable circumstances around your conception or birth? Please describe.

21. Were your parents divorced? If yes, what age were you?

22. How many siblings do you have? Name(s) and ages(s).

Do you have any surrogates? A surrogate parent is somebody who had a parental role, including raising you and disciplining you, before the age of 13. A surrogate could be a step- parent, grandparent, another relative, nanny, boarding school or older sibling. 23. Name, age and profession of surrogate(s) you had before puberty.

24. Did you go to boarding school before the age of 13? If so, from what age?

25. List the places you lived prior to the age of 13 and the years spent in each.

26. How would you assess your relationship with, 0=bad and 10-excellent. Your mother Your surrogate mother Your father Your surrogate father Your siblings 27. If your parents have passed away, how was your relationship with them at their death?

4 Hoffman UK Introduction Pre-Course Work

Your Background This section of the work gives you an opportunity to revisit and explore your childhood and the impact this had on your life. You may find some areas easier to remember than others. This is perfectly normal. Keep an open mind and be curious about your past. This work is to help you make connections to your past and make links with your current reality.

28. Take a moment to reflect on your childhood and then write a sentence or two on what you were like as a child?

29. What was your childhood nickname if you had one?

30. If you had siblings, how did you interact with each other?

31. Are you a twin? If yes, what impact has this had on you?

32. What was the atmosphere like in your childhood home?

33. What would you have changed if you could?

34. How would you define your role growing up in your family? For example, the joker, the clever one, Daddy’s girl, Mummy’s boy, the black sheep, the quiet one, the stupid one, the helper etc…

35. How did your mother and father interact with one another?

36. How has your parent’s relationship had an impact on your own relationship history?

37. If you are in a relationship, how does it feel and what does being married/partnered mean to you?

38. If you are not in a relationship, how does it feel and what does being single mean to you?

39. How did your mother and father behave when they were sad or upset?

40. How do you behave when you are sad or upset?

41. How did your mother and father behave when they were angry?

42. How do you behave now when you are angry?

43. Try to recall a childhood scene when you felt upset/disturbed/scared by your mother’s behaviour. Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.

44. Try to recall a childhood scene when you felt upset/disturbed/scared by your father’s behaviour. Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.

45. Describe a childhood scene when you were angry/annoyed/raised your voice/answered back or had a tantrum. How did you feel, and how did you behave? Use the present tense as if you were describing it at the time, for example, ‘I feel…’.

46. What form of punishment or discipline did your mother/father use?

47. How do you feel after describing these experiences?

48. Did your mother and father express their emotions?

49. How do you express emotions in your life? Are there any emotions you are afraid to express?

50. What messages did your mother and father give you about work?

51. What relationship do you have towards work?

52. What messages did your mother and father give you about religion and spirituality?

53. How do you feel about religion and spirituality?

54. What were the key messages that you received from your mother and father regarding intimacy and sex?

55. How have these messages impacted on your intimate relationships and your sex life?

56. How have these messages impacted on your attitude towards your body and sexuality today?

57. Have you ever been physically and/or sexually abused? If yes, please provide details of when and where.

58. Have you received support/therapy for the above? If yes, please provide details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?

59. What do you consider to be the most traumatic event in your life and when did this occur?

60. Have you received support/therapy for this? If yes, please provide details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?

61. What effect(s) did this have on your life when it happened?

62. What effect(s) does this have on your life now?

63. Have you ever seriously contemplated/attempted suicide? If yes, how and at what age?

64. Have you received support/therapy for this? If yes, please give details of when and where. Did you consider this support effective?

65. Do you use substances or behaviours to numb or distract yourself from real or imagined problems in your life? For example, work, food, sex, alcohol, exercise, illness, internet use, gambling drugs etc. If so, what do you use and how often?

66. Were your parents addicted to any substances or behaviours? If so, please give details for each.

67. Are you in recovery for any of the above? Please give details. If yes, do you consider this support effective?

68. To whom and/or what (if anyone/anything) do you turn during challenging times? How do you behave/react in challenging times? Who/what comprises your support network?

Negative Love and Patterns of Behaviour

To enable you to have the very best experience from the Hoffman Process, we ask you to allow yourself to see your parents objectively, as human beings who, like all of us, may have made some unconscious mistakes. We invite you to start from the assumption that your parents wanted the best for you. However, while we’re not suggesting that you blame your parents, or yourself, for what has happened in your life we do ask, in beginning this investigative journey, that you accept the possibility that you might have taken on negative behaviours from your parents, and from your surrogate parents if you have them.

To let you know before you begin this that you’ll have an opportunity to acknowledge the positives that you learned from your parents (and surrogates if you had them) during the Process.

We start with Bob Hoffman’s concept of ‘Negative Love’, which includes the inevitability of negative behaviours continuing in the family system until acknowledged, faced and dealt with.

This concept is that a child, up to the age of puberty, unconsciously adopts the negative (and positive) behaviours, belief systems, moods, attitudes and insecurities of their primary caregivers in order to be loved.

Caregivers usually refers to a child’s biological mother and father; however it may also extend to surrogate parents – for example: step-parents, grandparents, foster parents, boarding school, elder siblings, nannies and other carers. The immediate family environment is where, as a child, you were continuously absorbing and learning - how to be with others, the world and yourself.

With an initial focus on the adopted negative behaviours we can see that by continuously acting them out, we hurt ourselves and others and, if we’re parents, able to see also that we pass them on to our children and, as a result, see ‘Negative Love’ moving on to the next generation.

The goal of the Process is to connect deeply to who you really are, to your authentic self, and thus to have CHOICE about how you behave, no longer reacting compulsively through your patterns. There are a number of steps in reaching this goal – one of which is to reach an understanding of, find forgiveness and experience compassion for your parents, and surrogates if you have them. The choice you’ll then have, in any situation, will be to respond appropriately, based on experiencing inner peace and self love.

If you’d like any assistance with completing the next section of this Pre-Course work, do email the office: [email protected] or call us: +44 (0)1903 88 99 90

Pattern Identification

Negative behaviours that we act out again and again are called ‘patterns’. And just as you notice dominant themes in the design of a carpet or fabric, you’re probably very familiar with your own dominant patterns of behaviour. Some of them may even be so regular and consistent that you’ve come to believe that that’s who you are. Patterns are compulsive and automatic and control us. As much as we may try to do things differently, we don’t have control over them.

In the ‘tick box’ section, which follows, you’ll be able to identify the specific negative patterns that you’re acting out. Make all the connections you can between your parents’ patterns (and those of surrogates if you have any) and what you’re doing in your life today. Sometimes it’s obvious, as in for example: ‘Father was critical, and now I’m critical, just like him’. Fully facing up to and acknowledging just how much we are like our parents isn’t necessarily easy. However, if you’re willing to take this first step you’ll then be ready for the next, which is to realise that, if you learned these patterns you can also un-learn them, which is an important step on the way to no longer reacting to situations through your patterns and, instead, to respond appropriately.

We take these patterns on, and thus act them out, in 3 different ways:

1. You may have ADOPTED some patterns, in which case you behave in the same way as your parent(s), as in the ‘critical like father’ example above.

2. You may have REBELLED against patterns and now act in a different, often opposite, way - for example your mother disrespects other people, you’re now ‘always nice’ to others.

3. You may have MODIFIED your behaviour to cope with some of your parents' patterns - for example your father was demanding, and you adjusted to his demands by becoming a pleaser.

Instructions Go through the following lists of patterns and complete the ‘tick boxes’ as follows:  If you recognise the pattern in your mother, father, surrogate mother or surrogate father, put ‘Y’ in the relevant column.

 If you recognise you have ADOPTED the pattern yourself, put ‘Y’ under the column ‘Am I like this?’

 If you’ve REBELLED against the pattern and taken on an opposite pattern, put ‘R’ under the column ‘Am I like this?’

 If you’ve MODIFIED a pattern by adjusting your behaviour, put ‘M’ in the column ‘Am I like this ?’

It might help to begin each section by asking yourself: ‘ Was my mother…?’ and ‘Was my father…?’ And, if relevant: ‘Was my surrogate mother/ surrogate father…?’

After the ‘tick box’ section, there are pages where we ask you to list, firstly, the 20 ‘worst’ negative patterns that you’ve taken on, and then, secondly, the 20 ‘worst’ of your mother, and your father, and of surrogates if you have them. Please keep that in mind as you go through the tick boxes noting those that have the most impact. You’ll be referring to these lists on the Process.

Abandoning/ rejecting physically or emotionally

Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this? Undemonstrative Unavailable, rarely at home, detached Unsupportive, indifferent, uninvolved Unappreciative Evasive, procrastinated Withdrawn, withholding Deceitful A loner, reclusive Shy, an observer Depressed, moody Unpredictable, numbed out, escaped a lot Unreliable, compulsive liar Avoided commitment Disrespectful, humiliated others Undermining, discounting Late, forgetful Avoided conflict Rarely showed affection Lacking enthusiasm Disinterested, disconnected Cold, unemotional Secretive Uncommunicative Mocking, sarcastic Preoccupied

Critical or Judgmental

Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this?

Critical of themselves Critical of others A Perfectionist Blamed others Sceptical Prejudiced Never satisfied, Hid behind a mask Patronising

A Know-it-all Judgmental, lecturer Demanding Had to have own way Nagging Self-righteous Exploitative Dogmatic, overly rational Manipulative Intolerant Had to have last word Inflexible Had unrealistic expectations Hypocritical Kept raising the bar Condescending A fault finder A nit picker

Addictions / Compulsive Behaviour

Was my Mother or Father addicted to…? M F MS FS Am I…?

Alcohol Tobacco Drugs Food Had an eating disorder Sex /pornography Romance Drama Reading TV Computers / Video Games Exercise Religious / spiritual practice Gambling, shopping Illness, hypochondria Misery, negative thoughts Over compensating Workaholic Obsessive / compulsive cleaning/ collecting Impulsive, risk taking Compulsive liar / storyteller Closet addict Addicted to being a saviour/ rescuer Took over/ always doing for others Needed to be needed

Image/ Public persona Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this?

Boastful Narcissistic, self-obsessed Show off, A performer Needed to impress Social climber A snob, elitist Extravagant Status seeker, needed status symbols Vain, superficial

Competitive Liar or concealed to protect image Self-centered Manufactured or built own image, ‘Self-made’ Desperate for approval, ‘good girl’ / ‘good boy’ Opportunistic Jealous of other people’s success Oblivious to other people’s needs A fraud Needed to feel important / be admired / Needed to be special Achievement driven

Money/Work/ Authority Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this?

A spendthrift, lived beyond their means Materialistic Saved money compulsively Miser Scared of poverty Fear of abundance, wealth A love buyer Manipulative with money Careless with money

Secretive with money Believed they didn’t deserve to be financially secure Constantly in pursuit of more and more money A Liar / concealing reality Chronically in debt Workaholic Unemployed Believed work was meaningless Stayed in unhealthy work situations Trapped in a job Stressed out, burned out Overcommitted Put work before family or health Perpetual student Dissatisfied with work Different person at work than in the rest of life Unable to show feelings Undermined success, discounted achievement Inauthentic at work Hated authority

Had to be in charge Submissive, compliant In denial, lacking responsibility

Guilty of magical thinking ‘the universe will provide’ Unappreciated, couldn’t speak up Felt undervalued Felt unimportant

Fear of failure/ not providing Believed that having enough money or the right job equaled happiness

Worthless/Never good enough Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this?

Unable to accept compliments Dependent, needy, clingy Seeking validation, idealising others Compliant, passive, subservient, submissive Suffering from low self-esteem Not good enough Resigned, unworthy, flawed, expected rejection Didn’t seek or accept help No initiative, no sense of direction Unworthy, full of self-doubt Constantly comparing to / doing for others Self deprecating, apologetic Self neglecting, self-forgetting Lost in own world Passive aggressive Manipulated through neediness Martyr, held back feelings Resentfully did for others Full of self hatred Neglected self, blamed self Easily hurt, hypersensitive Jealous Made others feel guilty Played ‘poor me’ Self righteous Disappointed, nothing ever enough A Caretaker

Put other people’s needs ahead of their own Attracted needy or helpless people Crossed other people’s boundaries Guilt tripping, ‘Look at everything I’m doing for you’

Resentful Over-pleasing Found it difficult to say ‘no’ Superficial People pleaser Uncomfortable with honesty Had to always look good Compulsively smiling Apologetic Ignored

Co-dependent Overly friendly, overly attentive Goody-goody Inauthentic Showed false humility Smiled when angry or upset Didn’t express anger Denied own needs Made others feel guilty Needed to be liked

Fear or Anxiety

A worrier, hyper-vigilant Hysterical Anxious A Catastrophist Apprehensive, cautious Afraid to upset others Afraid to commit Had a fear of conflict / death / life / unknown / loss / abandonment / being alone / taking risks / success / failure / change

Fear of being heard High expectations Hyperactive, always in a hurry Irritable, impatient An insomniac A hypochondriac Accident prone Had panic attacks Phobias, focused on fears Aligning with others to be safe Paranoid Denied problems, complacent Persecuted or felt persecuted Afraid to upset others Scared of confrontation Afraid of close relationships Appeased / flatters authority Didn’t want to make waves Exaggerated dangers, anticipated the worst Hid feelings

Indecisive

Controlling/ Dominating

Threatening, intimidating, bullying Controlling Pushy, took over Aggressive Strict, disciplinarian Domineering, arrogant Angry Lashed out physically / verbally Violent behaviour, physical abuse

Sadistic Vindictive, getting even, vengeful Cruel and unjust with punishment Antagonistic, combative Argumentative, confrontational Complaining, whining Threw temper tantrums Defiant, self-righteousness Stubborn, couldn’t back down Divisive, sneaky, seductive Manipulative, chameleon Played games Malicious gossip Minimized others, mocked or humiliated others

Insensitive to others Demanding, bossy Sore loser, competitive Used anger to control / dominate Had to be the authority, overbearing Harsh, mean

Needed to be right, have the last word

Sex/Intimacy/Relationships Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this?

Sexually passive, withholding, cold, prudish Disinterested, unappreciative

Rejected intimacy, touching, hugging, or kissing

Believed sex is dirty /bad /vulgar/ only for procreation

Unworthy of pleasure Shut down to partners needs Submissive, suffering from low self esteem, put partners needs first

Sexually inadequate, embarrassed, scared of sexual performance

Scared of intimacy, fear of getting close

Scared of masturbation, masturbation is wrong Believed must not fantasize Fantasized too much Lacking in spontaneity, creativity Couldn’t commit, promiscuous A prostitute Secretive, didn’t tell the truth Someone who had affairs Sexually provocative, seductive Manipulative Sexually domineering / abusive Sexually violent Withheld sex for punishment Crossed physical or sexual boundaries Forced sexual activity, sexually violence, rape, ignoring when someone says no

Someone who experienced incest Was sexually abused as a child

Experienced sexual touch from adult to child Ignored / denied sexual abuse

Was my Mother or Father…? M F MS FS Am I like this? Someone who didn’t protect a child from inappropriate touch

Lacking sexual boundaries Joked about puberty / sexuality Teasing, made sexual jokes Unsure about sexuality Unable to express feelings about sexual orientation

Undermined /discounted sexuality Undermined /discounted sexual orientation Had sex to get love Gave affection to get sex Addicted to romance, Believed in unrequited love

Addicted to sex Felt that emotional closeness was too complicated

Had a fear of being trapped Sabotaged relationships Had a fear of being alone Couldn’t be alone

Crossing Boundaries – Physical / Mental / Spiritual

Someone who hit or spanked Pulled hair, scratched, pinched Pushed people around Didn’t allow any privacy Didn’t protect a child from hurt Put a child in unsafe situation Tickled people to the point of trauma Invasive- reading diary /emails /texts Invalidated others peoples’ feelings

Told people what they feel Criticised, put others down Disrespectful, called names Controlled others with yelling Controlled others through fear Hid information Spread rumours, gossiped Told secrets, public shamed people Aired grievances inappropriately Used religious fear to control, threatened with God’s punishment Used images of the ‘devil’ to scare or intimidate

Forced own religious beliefs Laughed at other people’s spirituality Used a scapegoat

Attract Partners who….. Pattern M F MS FS Me

Were needy / wounded Who couldn’t commit Who criticised their partners Who are remote / shut down Who need too much from a partner Who reject people Who are unavailable Who are addicts Who… (Fill in your own…)

My 20 Worst Patterns

From the tick box section, identify the 20 worst patterns that have caused you and others distress (or that have had a negative impact on your life). Put an ‘M’ or ‘F’ or ‘MS’ or ‘FS’ next to the pattern, indicating from whom you learned it. We will refer to this list during the Process.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.

20 Worst Patterns from Mother & Father From all the pattern identification work you have already done, identify and list below the 20 worst patterns that you have adopted from your Mother and Father. If you adopted a pattern in reaction or rebellion to either of them, write their pattern, and the pattern you adopted in reaction eg Rejecting/ Smothering: Know-it-all/ Self doubt, on the same line. Please refer back to the tick box section if you need to.

Mother 1. 11.

2. 12.

3. 13.

4. 14.

5. 15.

6. 16.

7. 17.

8. 18.

9. 19.

10. 20.

Father 1. 11.

2. 12.

3. 13.

4. 14.

5. 15.

6. 16.

7. 17.

8. 18.

9. 19.

10. 20.

Surrogate Parent’s Negative Patterns

If you had Surrogate Parents, identify and list below the 20 worst patterns that you have adopted from them. If you adopted a pattern in reaction or rebellion to either of them, write their pattern, and the pattern you adopted on the same line.

Surrogate Mother 1. 11.

2. 12.

3. 13.

4. 14.

5. 15.

6. 16.

7. 17.

8. 18.

9. 19.

10. 20.

Surrogate Father 1. 11.

2. 12.

3. 13.

4. 14.

5. 15.

6. 16.

7. 17.

8. 18.

9. 19.

10. 20.

Your Life Today

Write a paragraph about how it feels to make connections between your current behaviours and your parents’ past behaviours.

What has been, and is, the impact of these patterns of behaviour on the following areas?

Love life

Children / Parenting

Friendships

Work / Career / Money

Health and Body Image

Sexuality / Sensuality

Spirituality

Write how you would like your life to be if you could have it just the way you wanted. Be specific about the changes you want for yourself.

Summary

Was there ever a time when this work disturbed or upset you? If so, when?

Were there any aspects that were unclear to you? If so please give details.

Did you find any of the Pre-Course Work particularly difficult? If so please tell us why?

Is it clear who you are doing the Hoffman Process for? Do you have any questions/concerns about participating in the Hoffman Process?

What, if anything, could prevent you from letting yourself go one hundred percent into the Hoffman Process?

Is there anything else you would like to tell us?

Finally

On the Hoffman Process we work with all four aspects of the self – The Intellect, Emotions, Body and Spirit. We use a range of techniques to support you in accessing the different aspects of yourself. These include visualisations, role-play, meditations, journaling, times of silence and cathartic release work (including movement and hitting cushions with plastic bats). There are many articles in the Hoffman magazine and on the website detailing these experiences, and you can read all about the Process week in ‘You Can Change Your Life’ by Tim Laurence. However, should you feel you have any restrictions, resistance or concerns which might prevent you participating fully in the work, please contact the Hoffman office immediately on +44 (0) 1903 88 99 90. As long as it makes sense how willing are you to do everything that is asked of you by the Process teachers?

I am willing I am not willing Have you read the Pre-Process Guide? Yes, I have No, I haven’t but I will

Please remember to make a copy of this document and send one version along with a clear, recent photograph of yourself, to the Hoffman office by the given deadline.

Bring the original version with you to the Process site. You will refer to it during the week.

Postal Address: Hoffman Institute UK, PO Box 72, Arundel, West Sussex BN18 9DF

Copyright © 1986-2015 by Hoffman Institute International All rights reserved. This material or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form without the written permission of The Hoffman Institute International.