The Ultimate Leader 781

Ears to Hear 756 Improving Communication Skills Intr 1) What would you guess to be the 3 biggest problems in marriage? a) Money b) Communication c) Sexuality

2) This lesson will discuss problem # 2 – communication skills

3) Jesus often said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." a) Mt 11:15 John himself is Elijah who was to come b) Mk 7:16 that which proceeds out of a man defiles him c) Lk 8:8 explanation of the four soils (thus, the four hearts) d) Lk 14:35 salt which has become tasteless is thrown out

4) Each of these teachings has the potential to be overlooked or misunderstood. a) Jesus called on folks to apply their best communication skills b) Paul also employed this terminology

(1) Rom 11:8 explaining Israel's failure before God "God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes to see not and ears to hear not, down to this very day."

(2) The footnote at Rom 11:8 refers back to Deut 29:4 (a) Moses chastises the people of Israel (b) "To this day the Lord has not given you a heart to know, nor eyes to see, nor ears to hear." c) God Himself used this expression of His people Israel: (1) Ezek 12:2 (2) "Son of man, you live in the midst of a rebellious house, who have eyes to see but do not see and ears to hear but do not hear." 5) The fault in each of these illustrations is a lack of receptivity ... thus ... a breakdown in communication.

a) What is "Communication"?

b) It is ... the conveyance of ideas (insinuates understanding)

c) It involves the entire body (mouth, ears, eyes, heart)

6) The biggest problem in marital communication is NOT diction. a) Even those with poor speaking skills can get ideas across. b) The problem originates more in the receiver than the sender. (1) Someone is not listening (2) Someone is not sensing (3) Someone is more concerned about making a point than getting the point. c) If you want communication to improve you have got to: I. Learn to be a Good Listener (the most important element in communication)

A. Don't be distracted 1. TV – Book – Project 2. Some discussions can occur simultaneously with other activities 3. Important ones can't 4. But still – the greatest distraction in communication is ...

B. Don't be planning your next statement 1. Here's the heart of the communication problem 2. I'd rather win than solve 3. I'm the smartest and I want you to be sure you know it 4. If you love / respect ... you will listen ... understand ... appreciate 5. You may not agree – may need to correct – but it must be clear that you understand what's being said C. Maintain eye contact 1. Darting eyes look suspicious . . . Avoiding eyes look guilty Distracts the other party in the conversation 2. Direct eyes are inviting ... a. If the eye brows are not down b. If the lips are not pursed. c. Try looking at yourself in the mirror ... the way you set your face in a conversation. d. Try various "looks" – which would you prefer to see staring back? 3. Maintain eye contact . . . but even then . . .

D. Avoid the "Glazed Eye Trance" 1. Some people make me sleepy. 2. I have to reposition myself fairly often (with a smile, of course) 3. I have to interject thoughts pretty often to keep alert 4. Blinking and focusing on colorful objects help the situation E. Lean toward the person speaking 1. Now we're talking about body language. 2. Leaning back in an easy pose with head nodding projects a level of comfort with the nature of the visit 3. Leaning forward projects a deep interest in the subject matter

F. Return periodic "Feedback" 1. With eyebrows 2. With smiles, eyebrows and nods 3. With "uhms" and "hums" and nods

G. Make encouraging comments or questions 1. "I see what you're saying" 2. "That's a good point" 3. "Are you sure about that?" 4. "I'll have to think about this for a while" H. Listening doesn't equal an offer to solve 1. Men especially have a problem with being "fixers" 2. We think that if we listen to a problem, we're obligated to fix it 3. Have a mutual agreement that this will NOT be the case. 4. Sometimes ... just getting something off the chest is enough

I. Lack of response doesn't equal agreement 1. It's ok to take a break before responding to statements made 2. "OK – I got you. Let me think about this and I'll get back" 3. Lack of response doesn't equal agreement ... it just allows for processing and assessment. 4. Then ... when you do respond ... keep in mind the ...

II. Three Factors in Communication Exchange A. What are they? 1. Content (7% of what is communicated) 2. Tone of Voice (38% of what is communicated) 3. Body Language (55% of what is communicated) B. "Well ... that's just ... great" 1. Happy – congratulatory – supportive 2. Angry – sarcastic 3. Disappointed – condescending

C. Practice your animation skills (without them you're misunderstood)

III. Techniques for Good Conversation

A. Mirroring using the same mannerisms & vocabulary (becoming all things to all men – I Cor 9:22) (Texas trips – revert to drawl & slang) B. Questioning "What do you mean by that?"

C. Summarizing "So ... you're saying . . ." Concl 1) Communication insinuates understanding

2) The goal is to want to understand and to be understood

3) If you simply want to win the battle you may very well lose the war.

4) A good communicator will be sensitive, loving & respectful

5) It's always good to remember: a) You catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar b) Make sure you're both in the same canoe c) The setting is three quarters of the dialogue.

6) Talk about important things ... in a pleasant setting with a team mentality and a loving, respectful disposition.