Arguing Ideas

Do you value your relationship?

Most of us say we do, but do not spend time, money or energy doing anything to enrich or enhance it.

We may wait until there are problems to fix rather than prevent the problems.

People who value their cars and houses do preventive maintenance on them. People who value their relationships do the same.

You do value your relationship, is my guess; you simply are not sure where to start investing in it. You have heard of the counselors or marriage classes and have heard of the books, but you are not sure about something.

Commit today to do something about your relationship. Not because there is something wrong, but because you want it to remain strong or get stronger. Commit today because it is important to you. Commit today because you enjoy life more when your relationship is working!

*Please note the following information also applies to those who are not married.

Self-Talk and Arguing Self–talk refers to the dialogue that goes on inside your head when faced with conflict or life challenges or even simple day-to-day concerns. This aspect of yourself has a running commentary about everything you do. It never lets anything go by with out some comment, remark or evaluation.

Becoming aware of this process is the first step in taking charge of this part of yourself that can create a lot of unnecessary stress. The automatic reactions you have to this constant barrage of negative thoughts, judgments and evaluations can keep you feeling stressed and less able to meet life’s challenges.

You’ll recognize these thoughts because you have heard them all your life: “I'm not smart enough, something is wrong, I can't do it, I never finish anything, this is too hard, change takes too long”, etc.

You may have initially formed these negative ideas about yourself from things you heard from a parent, teacher or someone who was in authority over you or they were decisions you made in reaction to some event. Now, as an adult you have incorporated them into your own personality. In effect you don't need those people to tell you what to do anymore, they are living inside your own head!!!

Self-Talk During Conflict

Please put a check in the boxes that apply to you. When I am in conflict I say to myself:

 Let's look at the facts and figure this thing out.  I know we can work this out.  When I throw a tantrum, I get what I want.  I win, you lose.  It isn’t good enough.  I want to explain my side first.  If they understood my perspective, they would come to the same conclusions I did.  I fear I will be made to look foolish.  If I encourage others to explain their side first, then they will be more apt to listen to mine.  I see that we look at this issue from different perspectives. While I want to share my needs and views with you later, let me first focus on your thoughts and observations.

I Statements

I statements are very simple and powerful, but underused. They seem to be useful to get through the language barrier between men and women. They are really helpful when you discuss something you know is going to be delicate.

“I feel ______when______”

For example, “I feel sad when you say that I don’t love you.”

“I feel angry when you call me names.”

“I feel hopeful when I hear you are getting counseling for your anger.”

“I feel scared when you say we might divorce.”

“I feel disappointment when you say we’re going out, then you are too tired to go out.” The trick with these is that after the word “feel” a lot of people tell us what they think, rather than feel (emotion). Ask for a feelings list if you have a hard time with finding the right word.

Some Suggested Conflict Rules

(Suggested items to address) Time  enough time to do it all the way through,  good timing in terms of emotionally able to resolve it at this time,  how soon after the actual event

Place  public or private,  around the kids or not

Tone/volume  no name calling,  no sarcasm,  no hitting things,  no verbal abuse,  no patronizing,  no pushing, punching, scratching, threatening etc.  at a volume that both parties can emotionally hear the argument

Duration

 how long should we discuss an issue before we take a break (15 minutes, 20 minutes, 25 minutes?)

 What do we do after the break?  What do we do during the break?  How do we break?

 Hint: One item or issue at a time and deal with current events not ones in the past.

Frequency  how often should we clear the air even if we think everything is going smoothly between us?  can we schedule it in?  how do we stop avoiding the little things that grow into big things? Goal  what is the goal of our discussion?

 Is it to resolve, to put on the table, to blame, to beat up the other, to punish, to make aware, to connect, to grow more deeply, to stop things we dislike?

 NOTE: You still have to deal with your partner after the fight.

Evaluate the process  did it work?  did we reach our goal?  was there any resolution?  what do we need to do differently next time?  what did we like or not like?  did we bring outsiders into our disagreement? Traditions Regarding Disagreements Here is what successful couples have said about the way they argue/disagree to ensure dignity and respect:

o We pray before we argue. o We write down our concerns first, then give our partner the issue to read, then we discuss. o We hold hands while we argue. o We say, “I love you” before we argue and remind each other why we got together in the first place. o We toss a coin before we talk and that determines who gets to win the argument. Once we’ve established that, it is easier to talk. o We spend a few minutes in silence, gathering our thoughts before we talk o We light our wedding candle during each argument. o We write down resentments every day and share them with each other before they grow into arguments. o We stop in the middle and ask ourselves if we are feeling defensive. If one of us feels defensive, we take a few moments to resolve that before going on. o We have time set aside that is disagreement free. There is no arguing in the bedroom and no arguing at bedtime. o We don’t argue without reminding each other about the 5 to 1 ratio. We need to have 5 positive interactions for every negative one or divorce is more likely.

Constructive Confrontation

Many couples say they never argue or disagree. Yet everything is not fine. The goal is not to avoid the problem.

The goal is to deal with the problem in such a positive way that it is no longer a problem!

Consider the following questions: How have you hurt people by not confronting? How have you hurt your relationships by not confronting? How have you impoverished your life by not confronting? How have you helped people by not confronting? What is your best excuse for avoiding confrontation? Usually people say, “I’m not good at it.” A more truthful response would be, “I don’t feel comfortable confronting. I feel insecure and afraid. I do not know what their response will be.” No one is “good” at confrontation. Some people have simply chosen to do it and have more experience than do others. Not sure how to start? Try this, say, “I’m not sure what’s going on here but I am not comfortable.” OR “When you do that, I feel resentful.”

Can you handle being a truth teller? How honest with yourself are you? How honest with others are you? Do you value honesty? Do you value truth? Do you value growth? Do you value integrity? If you answered “yes” to any of the above, then you value the power of confrontation.

It is okay to start slow and to make mistakes doing it. It is okay to rehearse what you would like to say. It is okay to bring someone with you if you are too scared after doing it with the person once. It is okay to bounce it off someone as a way to practice and get your courage up. Knowing that, and knowing yourself, what is one way you would stop yourself from doing it the next time it happens? What stops you from speaking your truth? Who can’t you confront? Do you have to be a certain way in order to be with them? Who is the hardest to confront?

Some people have noticed the following: It is really ourselves that we fight, other people are just stand-ins. If I ask for what I need in this relationship, then she/he will_____ I don’t need to worry about doing it “right.”

Who is the easiest to confront? Is expressing my truth dangerous? What makes it easier for you to confront someone? Setting, relationship etc. When you choose to not confront, you are forgetting who you are. Take a deeper level of responsibility for yourself. When you heal yourself, you help heal those around you. How are you going to hold yourself accountable to do this, this week? How are you going to hold each other accountable, this week? Disagreeing With Dignity

Most couples realize that they argue, disagree or have conflict; however you want to label it is fine. They realize that they don’t get to the point of resolution for a number of reasons.

Ideally, the reason we argue is to resolve a conflict, of values, of perspectives, of ideas. How we argue becomes very important to avoid making the conflict worse and to avoid hurting the other person.

How much time have you and your partner devoted to working out the mechanics of a good argument?

It is perhaps the single most important skill you need in your relationship. It helps you get rid of the negative and bring back the positive, which is why you got together in the first place. You enjoy spending time with one another.

Many people never learned how to fight fairly. Some learned how to be really aggressive and some learned how to be passive. Usually, we learn from our parents how to argue, effectively or not effectively.

You don’t have to start from scratch. Let’s give you the best chance of having a successful disagreement. Other successful couples have given you a guideline.

Listening when tension is high

(Do not do this if there is domestic violence or a threat of domestic violence.)

One partner starts and speaks a few sentences. The other partner tries to paraphrase (summarize what the first person said) what the first partner said. We are focusing on the experience of only one partner at a time, not the couple. It is partner 2’s responsibility to listen fully, not get ready for his/her reply.

When finished, go to partner 2 and repeat the process. The issue does not have to be the same one, it can be totally different, as needed.

This Couples Dialogue is a process for acknowledging one another and stopping the reinjuring.