November 2012 Becky Long, Editor Remembrance Memorial: November 13, 2012 at 7:00 P.M. Please note the earlier start time The Hills Church of Christ, 6300 NE Loop 820, North Richland Hills new name tags at our chapter New Members meetings. We appreciate your help! When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain We want to extend and may feel hopeless and isolated. a very warm, loving, The Compassionate Friends and understanding “Welcome” provides highly personal comfort, to our new friends who attended hope, and support to every family the October meeting: experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, Eva Czerniak a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, for the loss of her daughter and helps others better assist the grieving family. Mark & Annetta Deegear for the loss of their daughter The November newsletter

Marsha Kuhn is sponsored by for the loss of her son Steve Roberts in memory of his daughter Tristen McKenzie in honor of her November birthday for the loss of her sister Love Gifts

The Firemen’s 5K No Birthday Table in November Janie Rucker in memory of her daughter Due to the Memorial, November & December birthdays will be celebrated Julie Johnson Robertson at the December meeting. in memory of her niece in honor of her November birthday

Send donations to Steve Roberts Thanks to the staff members of P.O. Box 202654, Arlington, 76006 Greenwood-Mt. Olivet for manning the sign in table and providing our Upcoming Meetings

Nov. 13th – Annual Remembrance Memorial, 7 P.M. Dec. 11th - Small group discussion Jan. 15th - Small group discussion 2013 Meeting Dates Feb. 12th, March 12th, April 9th, May 14th, June 11th, July 9th, Aug. 13th, Sep. 10th, Oct. 8th, Nov. 12th, Dec. 10th

Temporary Driving Directions While the Meadow Lakes/ Iron Horse exit and bridge are under construction through May 2013

From Eastbound NE Loop 820: exit Rufe Snow Dr. and turn right (south) at the signal. From Westbound NE Loop 820: exit Rufe Snow Dr. and turn left (south) at the signal, crossing IH- 820. Go to Meadow Lakes Dr. (first signal light on Rufe Snow Dr.), turn right and go ½ mile, the parking lot and building will be on your right. Use the northeast entrance of the church with the covered circular drive. There is a security guard on duty. Church phone: 817-281-0773 TCF Fort Worth Chapter Regional Coordinators Need to Talk?

Steering Committee Joan and Bill Campbell Listed below are parents, Chapter Leaders 972-935-0673 grandparents and siblings who Jeff & Marty Martin [email protected] have walked where you are today. 817-991-9121 If you are having a difficult day [email protected] and just want to talk, please call. Treasurer Addiction Steve Roberts Helen 817-914-8689 817-431-6964 [email protected] Auto Hospitality Jeff & Marty Marty Akeman 817-991-9121 817-636-5645 Grandchild/Multiple Loss Christine Anderson Lydia 817-300-6196 817-829-3801 Lydia Moore Drowning 817-829-3801 Debi Newsletter 817-270-3275 Becky Long Drowning (young child) 817-275-9297 Stacy [email protected] 817-656-7540 Librarian 817-845-3433 Patty Gallagher Long Term Illness 817-861-1491 Marty 817-636-5645 Committee Members Charles & Genie Dean Homicide/Only Child Steve Janet DuPertuis 817-914-8689 Liz Hutchison [email protected] Suicide/Only Child Joy Steering Committee Meeting 817-453-2227 Our next Steering Committee Suicide meeting will be Saturday, Glinda th January 19 at 9:30 A.M. 817-485-3772 Siblings Cheryl Chapter Website 817-624-7043 [email protected] www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.com Middle of the night calls Liz 817-726-3999 I can imagine you a kiwi Satisfying my taste buds. Want to share? I can imagine you here The Gift of My Brother, Being my friend and brother. Todd We encourage you to submit By Ramon Lopez your own works of poetry or 35 years ago TCF Jacksonville, FL prose for our newsletter. a gift came from God, My beautiful, but disabled brother, Todd. My mom made a choice so long ago, To take Todd home, not let him go. A choice that changed my life forever, That not even Todd’s death could sever. My brother’s life taught me many things, Like compassion for others when life stings. Perseverance in spite of our struggles, How to laugh, and how to snuggle. Gratitude for what we’ve been given, An attitude we should all be living. But most of all what my mom taught me, Was how to show love, unconditionally.

By Niki Seth-Briggs TCF, Madison, WI

I Can Imagine

I can imagine you a blanket, Covering me with security. I can imagine you a record player Soothing me with music. I can imagine you the sun Giving me warmth. I can imagine you the moon Looking down on me at night. I can imagine you a tear Creating my sorrows. TCF National Office ethnic, cultural, religious, and Scheduled Webinar political boundaries, to The Compassionate Friends commemorate and honor the Nov. 7 – Handling the Holidays: P. O. Box 3696 memory of children who have The holiday season is a difficult Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 died at any age from any cause. time of year for families grieving Fax: 630-990-0246 the death of a child. In this Toll-free: 877-969-0010 webinar you’ll learn some tips on 9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri. how to get through the season. Email: Presenter: Darcie Sims, author, [email protected] speaker and bereaved mom. Website: Here are the easy steps to listen to www.compassionatefriends.org a TCF Webinar: The website contains links to 1. From the National website’s TCF’s national and regional Home Page choose News & conferences, brochures, e- Events; under that is listed newsletter, online support Webinars. Click on that. community, We Need Not Walk 2. You will be asked your name Alone magazine, “Healing the & e-mail. You’ll get an immediate Grieving Heart” and “The Open e-mail response with instructions to Hope Show” radio program that are easy to follow. Don't archives, webinars, chapter delete this e-mail. About 5 websites, and other resources. minutes before appointed time go Facebook: to saved e-mail and click on link The Compassionate Friends/USA for seminar. Watch the time zone. In Spanish: 3. You’ll be asked to download a Los Amigos Compasivos/USA site. It’s a safe one, so go ahead. Twitter: Just takes a second. Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404 4. Ear phones are recommended Save the Date: by the Webinar but are absolutely Beacon of Love – Rays of Hope unnecessary. The mikes in your th will be the theme of the 36 TCF laptop or computer are enough. National Conference, July 5-7, Thanks to Chapter Member Liz Hutchison 2013 in Boston, MA! for putting these instructions together for us!

Worldwide Candle Lighting

The Worldwide Candle Lighting Our chapter’s observance of the started in the US in 1997 as a sixteenth annual small Internet observance but is Worldwide Candle Lighting now believed to be the largest will take place Dec. 9th, at mass candle lighting on the globe. 6:30 P.M. at Holy Family As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local Catholic Church, 6150 time, creating a virtual wave of Pershing Ave. in Ft. Worth. light, hundreds of thousands of people are united around the world in a way that transcends all Remembrance Program left on Pershing Avenue. The church will be on your right. Our annual remembrance Feel free to invite friends memorial will be held on or family members of all ages November 13th, at 7 P.M., to this special event. downstairs in the chapel of The Hills Church of Christ, with a potluck in the atrium afterwards. Please feel free to bring children and other family and friends to this special event. During the ceremony, each child’s name is read, and their picture is displayed onscreen as a candle is lit in their honor. We ask that you bring a dish to share, and an 8x10 or smaller picture of your loved one to place their candle in front of. Each family will receive a copy of the program with each loved one’s picture, as well as a flower and ornament. Volunteers are needed to make this event a success. If you could help set up, clean up, check in families at the door, pass out flowers and ornaments, or place candles for absent families’ children, please call Marty Martin at 817-991-9121.

To get to Holy Family Catholic Church, take I-30 from either direction to the Bryant Irvin exit. If you are coming from the west, turn left on Bryant Irvin Road, then left on Pershing Avenue after you cross the highway. If you are coming from the east, turn right on Guilford Road, then A Marital LessonHurting in Grief at least as much as I, he simply could not meet my needs for When our son was killed, I support. We began to have some honest remember thinking through the haze discussions, agreeing that we needed of pain that this most horrifying of each other's nurturing in order to life experiences would somehow survive and find meaning in life. We bring us closer. Sharing the loss of a learned to respect each other's child created and loved by both of us feelings. We tried to please each for twenty years would surely other in little ways: a hug, a special deepen the bond between us. I was meal, anything that expressed caring. in for a surprise. Patience with each other smoothed We clung almost blindly to each over many rough moments. Time other until the shock began to give spent alone together was very way to ugly reality. As we each healing. It took a conscious decision moved to our individual pattern of from both of us to try harder. Some grieving, differences began to days, we didn't have any energy left emerge. I felt like a time bomb about when grief was particularly painful. to explode. I needed desperately to It wasn't always easy as we couldn't talk about our son. My husband talk about our son for a long time. refused to verbalize his feelings and Much later, the knowledge that became angry at my overtures. I support had been there all along stopped trying to communicate. from my friends—if I had only asked This was beyond my for it—saddened me. I had to admit comprehension. Where was my that I simply had been too proud to helpmate, my best friend? I felt reveal myself as a suffering person in rejected, unloved and terribly alone. need of help. I will be forever Anger overwhelmed me as I bitterly grateful to Compassionate Friends realized that I wasn't going to be able for being there with loving, open to share my grieving with the person arms. who meant the most to me in the As I look back. I see that ignorance world. I knew that many marriages of grief and the impact it can have on fail after the death of a child. Dear a marriage was the basis for our God, how could we possibly survive problems. But in retrospect, how an additional tragedy? could we possibly have been We attended a few Compassionate prepared for the onslaught of Friends meetings, and then I paralyzing emotions that continued alone. The gentle overwhelmed us? Anguish of this acceptance of others who had lost intensity can reveal a spouse you've children permitted me to talk or cry never seen before. Deeply wounded, without guilt. Our problem was you will both be inevitably changed definitely not unique; many other from the experience of losing a child. parents expressed similar Understanding these simple facts frustrations. So many couples would have helped immeasurably. experience marital difficulties after By Pat Retzloff the death of a child that it is now TCF, Oshkosh, WI considered the norm. We weren't going crazy; just because our grieving styles were different didn't mean that our whole marriage would fall apart. My anger began to dissipate as I slowly faced the fact that I had been placing unrealistic expectations on my husband. To Anyone Who Feels That priceless treasures of art become Holidays are Worse than Sundays! more valuable with time, so will the holiday memories you have made. Dread, fear, anxiety – could these possibly be words you might use to By Bruce H. Conley Lovingly Lifted from TCF, San Angelo, TX describe the accompanying nightmares that have replaced the dreams of a White Christmas, once merry and bright? Is there an aching inside of you that intensifies each time you’re reminded of turkeys and mistletoe and presents under trees? Maybe all you want for Christmas is for January to quickly follow October this year. If these thoughts and feelings are a part of your life as the holidays approach, then join the others in your special fraternity; for you have all lived to survive. “Survive,” you say, “If this is survival, who can endure it?” You thought you were through the worst of your grief when the radio announcer mentioned Thanksgiving turkeys or Christmas shopping. How can you possibly care about gift giving when the person you most enjoyed giving to is no longer here to receive it? The pain of all that you are forced to bear is certainly brought home for the holidays. How can one get through these holidays? You thought Sundays were unbearable, but the hurt you are feeling and anticipation over the thoughts of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year can’t be put into words. If only you could soothe the pain and wash it away. But you know it can’t be that simple. Or maybe you could just block out the one you lost as though they had never existed. No, of course, that’s not a solution. You are a survivor experiencing normal, real loss and seeking grief-relief. Memories. How they hurt to think of them. Fond, beautiful memories made in love. What if they had never been made at all? How much worse to have lived without them! No, you take those memories. Reminisce over them. Let them hurt. They’ll probably always hurt. And as Incongruities In The Beginning

Thoughts of you can In the beginning we hurt so bad Bring a smile to my face We can’t think straight. …and tears to my eyes Our days and nights run together, Memories of you tug at my heart As we cry out for relief Filling it with love From the pain that has …and longing. Seemed to swallow us whole. I feel so thankful That pain now accompanies us everywhere. For having had you in my life There is no place we can hide. …and yet so sad that you are gone. It has taken over our life. I’m comforted by the sense of your presence It knows our name. Surrounding me at times It knows where we live. …while loneliness overwhelms me. It knows that our loved one has died My life is filled with incongruities; And so do we They assure me I am healing Sort of but not really. …and that I never will. We are still looking for them By Gayle Block To walk in the door, TCF, Baytown, TX To say our name, To reach over and give us a hug. With every day that passes I Don’t Wear Make-Up Anymore Our longing for them grows. We do not want to believe that I still shower every morning The died and are not coming back. Brush my teeth just like before, That reality chases us relentlessly, Comb my hair, polish my nails, Until one day their empty chair But I don’t wear make-up anymore. Speaks louder than our denial, And the wall begins to break There’s a black dress in the closet Where we have hidden our heart. Wore it once, but not once more By Deb Kosmer Not today, perhaps tomorrow, Lovingly lifted from TCF, Portland, OR And I don’t wear make-up anymore.

I still want to look professional Check the mirror on the door To My Husband Heels and hose and matching jewelry But I don’t wear make-up anymore. Your tears flow within your heart, Mine flow down my cheeks. Turn the key and start the engine Your anger lies with thought and movements, Slowly exit the driveway Mine gallops forward for all to see. Shifting gears, glide into traffic Your despair shows in your now dull eyes, So begins another day. Mine shows in line after written line. You grieve over the death of your son. Just another day without you. I grieve over the death of my baby. You, the apple of my eye. But we’re still the same, still one, Who gave me joy, now sadness Only we grieve at different times Oh God, why did my son die? Over different memories and for different lengths Yet we both realize I can feel the pressure building The death of our child. And I know what is in store… By Pam Burden Gushing forth the tears of heartbreak The Child Who Wasn’t Perfect

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November 2012

Fort Worth Chapter Annual Remembrance Memorial To those of you who are newly bereaved Date: November 13, 2012 and receiving our newsletter for the first time, we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends. Program Time: 7:00 P.M. We are a self-help organization Please note the earlier start time! of parents, grandparents and adult siblings who have experienced the death of a loved one. We will meet downstairs in the Atrium We offer understanding and support and have a potluck afterwards. through our monthly meetings, a lending library, Please bring a dish to share. support materials and loving telephone listeners. You may also wish to bring Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering. a framed picture of your loved one. Every other person in the room has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. The Hills Church of Christ They come because they feel the need 6300 NE Loop 820, North Richland Hills to be with someone else who understands. We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering, Directions to the church can be found but those who do come find an atmosphere of understanding from others who have experienced There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak. the grief that you have now. There is a special feeling at meetings Nothing is asked of you. of The Compassionate Friends. We meet the second Tuesday of every month.