Teaching the Perfectionist Child Presenter: Lezlie-Anne Ivie

Look at Self “Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement, and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent.” -Bob Keeshan

Whenever our children are struggling with something, I think it is always important to look at ourselves first. What are we teaching them? What have we done to contribute to the problem? There are always things that we can look at in ourselves. I think that is one of the most beautiful things about parenting. God has given us families, to help us become who He wants us to be. We get to learn and grow, experience and figure out life together.

So, while it is important to always look at ourselves first, seeking the answer to what has my child learned from me, it’s important not to blame and get down on yourself for all of the problems your children face. I used to get hard on myself for all the struggles I would see in my children, thinking they were from me, but then I had a beautiful thought one day, God gave these children to me because they need me. We are each our own soul. As we came into this world, we brought with us talents and gifts and struggles and lessons to learn and overcome. After having 4 boys and seeing how completely different they are, I had the thought, that perhaps, this struggle with Perfectionism that me and my oldest son share, is not only because he has learned it from me, but also because it is a struggle he had as he came into this world, and God gave him to me because I would understand and know the best way to help him! Both of us have been able to work on our Perfectionist tendencies because we have each other.

Remember that “Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement, and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent.” -Bob Keeshan

Use this to inspire and lift to be your best not to add a burden to you. For the adversary is the only source of bringing us down.

The Power of Music “Where words fail, music speaks.” -Hans Christian Andersen What I am going to teach you today are principals that every person can apply. With those principles, I am including specific examples of things we have used in our home that have helped us. Now there are several tools that I use in my home. The first, principle, I just covered. The second that I am going to talk about involves setting the scene or atmosphere in your home. Music is powerful and we constantly use music to inspire us in our home. We use music in our morning devotional. We sing while we work. And Sometimes I sing instructions to my children. The music seems to carry my voice to their heart a little better than just speaking. If my child is having a rough day I will play or sing music that I hope will inspire them or help to shift their mood. There are a few songs that we have in our repertoire at home that the boys love and know. They are songs that we sing or play while we clean or we do dance parties to them. Because they are songs that are loved and familiar, my boys respond well to them in teaching moments as well. You can use whatever songs inspire you and your family. Some of the songs that we love and use specifically for when my son is getting frustrated and wants to give up are:

I can do all things by Tanner Townsend I won’t give up by Jason Mraz Its gonna be okay, by the PianoGuys Where you stand and Be strong with me by Jenny Phillips Unstoppable by Rascall Flatts Win by Brian McKight And a fun version of the Isty Bisty Spider from Racheal and the Treeschoolers

There are times when my son is frustrated and singing right at him is not helpful, but sometimes, walking out of them room and playing a song from the next room over, or just humming or softly singing a song while I walk away and do dishes and sweep is enough of a gentle reminder. Look at yourself and your family and seek how you can use music to inspire and uplift the feeling in your home, it may not look the same way we use music, but music does inspire and lift and is a powerful tool to use.

Other tools we use to set the stage are pencils/erasers and white out. Also pay attention to sleep and nutrition.

Positive Reinforcement “When used effectively, positive reinforcement is the most powerful teaching tool we have.” -Glenn Latham

Reinforce your children for specific efforts. Rather than saying: “Good Job,” or “you are so smart!” Say, “You have worked so hard.” “I love that you never gave up!”

We have found a really great reinforcement tool from a book called, A House United, by Nicholeen Peck. For my son, we got a ½ pint jar and filled it up with beans. We then attached a reward that we were working towards (a bowling date with mom). He would earn the reward when all the beans were moved from the ½ pint jar to another ½ pint jar. He earned a bean every time he made a mistake and stayed calm. He usually got most frustrated with reading. So every time he read a word wrong, and stayed calm, he earned a bean. I was very liberal with my bean-giving, even giving 20 beans for one lesson. It took over 2 months for him to complete. And by that time, he had created a habit of remaining calm with mistakes.

Spontaneous rewards are also very powerful. If you notice your child handling a mistake well, let your child know you noticed and invite them to join you for a popsicle or to play a game. Negative Consequences “Learning how to govern your own behaviors requires understanding cause and effect. Consequences are a key part of teaching cause and effect properly.” -Nicholeen Peck

I love this quote from Nicholeen Peck. At first, I was very hesitant to give consequences to my son for getting frustrated with his work. But he would get so suddenly frustrated and violent: kicking and hitting, throwing pencils, or destroying paperwork, that I felt I needed to teach him that this behavior was never okay. So I began implementing negative consequences when he would express his frustration this way. We decided to use chores. When my son would react to frustration in a violent manner. I would calmly remind him that, it is not okay to express his frustration that way and that he had earned a chore for his behavior.

Whenever using negative consequences it is important to always be loving and consistent.

Prayer and Inspiration “…[seek] the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit will lead you along. I promise you: the calling to be a parent includes the gift to teach in the ways that are right for you and for your children.” -Robert Hales

Whatever you face with your child, never move forward without seeking guidance from God. Let God guide you and be a part of all that you do.

One day, as my son was having a meltdown, I felt inspired to tell him to put his work aside while I tell him a story. I pulled out a piece of paper and drew while I talked about who we are, children of God, and where we come from. How our enemy, Satan, does not have a body, but seeks to destroy us, but whispering lies to us. He tells us things like, “You can’t do it.” It is important that we do not listen to these lies. I then had him write down on the left side of the paper, the negative thoughts he was having. Then on the right side of the page I had him write 2 positives for every negative. Then we ripped the paper in half and crumpled it up and stomped on it and threw it away. Then we stood and said the positive declarations out loud. As we finished, his younger brother in the other room began to cry, and my older son ran in saying, “What’s the matter? Don’t worry, I can help you!”

God will guide and inspire us in our teaching our children as we seek Him. Let us never forget Him.