Little Stop-and Shop of Horrors
Characters
Brett: Friendly but overworked as a cashier
Brian: Brett’s best friend, unemployed, troubles with the law
Rajah: Owner of store in which Brett works, doesn’t speak English well
Members of Guthrie family: Smokers turned zombies
Scene 1
Brett enters his apartment and falls tiredly onto the couch then picks up phone and talks.
Brett
(Nearly falling asleep)
Brett: Hey, man. Sorry it’s been awhile. I’ve been working every day since I started this new job.
I’m telling you, this guy has no idea how to run a business. He can barely speak English, why would he open a gas station smack dab in the middle of redneck country? Right next to a nuclear waste dump, no less? (Call waiting beeps) Oh, hold on, Brian, I’ve got another call. (Presses button) Hello?
Rajah
(Speaking in panicked, broken English cowering in fear on opposite side of the stage, clutching
fly swatter) Rajah: Brett! Brett, you have to come back! There’s a moose loose in the store!
Brett
(Unconvinced and annoyed)
Brett: There’s a moose in the store?
Rajah
(Swats at moth, causing a bag of chips to fall to the floor)
Rajah: Yes! It’s making a real mess!
Brett
(Sigh)
Brett: Okay, okay, calm down. I’m on my way.
(Hangs up and exits stage)
(Blackout)
Scene 2
(Brett arrives with Brett to the store, which is still intact)
Brett
(To Keith)
Brett: Thanks for coming with me, man. It’ll take two seconds, I swear. Then we can hang out for the first time in forever. (To Rajah)
Brett: Rajah? Where’s the moose, man?
(Rajah points to moth)
Brett: N-no… Rajah… That’s a moth, not a moose. Your English really needs some work, man.
(Takes swatter, kills moth, then hands it back)
Brett: Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen now, I’m going to go home, I’m going to sleep for the next four hours, and then I’m going to come back here, for the seventh day this week, because for some reason, I’m the only one who works here.
Rajah
Rajah: And you’re on your way to being employee of the month!
Brett
Brett: On the way? You mean I didn’t already earn that title?
Rajah
Rajah: You’re second in line.
Brett
Brett: How can I be second in line when I’m the only one here?!
(Zombie looking old woman knocks on the window)
Brett Brett: Great, now the townies want their pack of smokes.
(Walks to and opens door)
Brett: Hi, Mrs. Guthrie. Sorry but we’re actually closed for the night.
(Zombie stumbles towards Brett, trying to eat him)
(Brett backs away, sounding panicked)
Brett: Uh, M-Mrs. Guthrie…? Y-You can’t come in here. A-Are you okay? You don’t look so good. Mrs. Guthrie? Can you not come any closer, actually? S-stay away… Stay away!
Brian
(Brian comes out of nowhere and hits Mrs. Guthrie with fire extinguisher just as she goes to
attack Brett)
Brett
Brett: B-Brian? What’re you doing here? And why the hell did you do that? You can’t just go around hitting old ladies! The poor thing was probably just confused.
(Brett jumps into Brian’s arms when zombie starts to move)
Brett: Hit it again! Hit it! Kill it!
Brian
(Brian drops Brett and kills zombie then looks around suspiciously)
Brian: (Whispers) Zambies. Brett
Brett: Zambies?
Brian
Brian: The zambies are comin’.
Brett
Brett: Wait… are you saying zombies?
Brian
Brian: Yeah, zambies.
Brett
Brett: Okay, for starters, it’s zombies, Brian. With an O. ZOmbies. Besides that, they aren’t even real.
Brian
Brian: Nah, I know a zambie when I see it.
Brett
(Brett rolls his eyes and trips over a barrel as he walks away)
Brett: Ouch! What the… cigarettes? Rajah, why the hell are there loose cigarettes in here?
Rajah
(Comes out of hiding) Rajah: It’s my new fail proof money making technique. I make more charging a quarter per cigarette that five for a pack.
Brett
(Spins barrel to reveal toxic waste symbol)
Brett: Where did you get this?
Rajah
Rajah: Out back.
Brett
Brett: Out back as in… the plant?
Rajah
Rajah: Yes.
Brett
Brett: Let me get this straight, you stole a barrel from a nuclear waste plant, dumped boxes of cigarettes into it, then asked customers to pay for them for a 75% increase in price.
Rajah
Rajah: … Well, I had to rinse the slime out of it first.
Brett
(Sighs in aggravation and picks up receiver of payphone) Brett: We have to call the police.
Brian
(Rips phone from wall)
Brian: No! No pigs!
Brett
Brett: Oh great, good job. Now how are we supposed to call for help?
Brian
Brian: Oh… just use another phone.
Brett
Brett: Another… Brian, it’s 1972! It’s not like I carry a phone around in my pocket! (Sigh) Well, now we’re stuck.
Brian
Brian: Wait, your car’s out there, right? Just go get it.
Brett
Brett: I left my keys in it and I’m pretty sure I can go out there without getting my face eaten off.
Brian
Brian: Then I guess there’s only one choice… I’ll do it.
Brett Brett: N-No…? Brian, I literally just said I think I can do it.
Brian
Brian: I shall do it with no regard for my own personal safety. I’m willing to put myself in danger for the good of mankind.
Brett
Brett: You’re about as convincing as your grammar, but okay, whatever. Just be careful, huh?
Hey, wait a second, how did you get here if your car isn’t here?
Brain
Brain: No time for stupid questions, Brett! The world needs my saving grace!
Brett
(Sighs and rubs face)
Brett: Fine, fine, whatever. Just hurry up.
Scene 3
Brian
(Ninja rolls out of door, making his own action music. Crashing sounds erupt from outside as
Bret watches and reacts)
Brett
Brett: Uh… Brian? Brian
Brian: Focusing.
Brett
Brett: Brian.
Brian
Brian: Shut up! I’ve got this!
Brett
Brett: Dude, it’s seriously a convertible with it’s top down!
Brain
Brian: Oh… right. I knew that.
(Sounds of car and driving to front of store)
Brian: Okay guys, let’s blow this Popsicle stand!
(Sound of driveing off and immediately crashes into pole)
Brian: Every man for himself!
(Screaming in pain from twisting ankle)
Brian: Ouch! Man down! Guys, you have to help me!
(Brett and Rajah drag him back into store) Scene 3
Brian
Brian: So, what do we do now?
Brett
Brett: Well, the most we can use you for now is zombie bait, so you aren’t doing anything. But the people at the plant have to know what’s going on. Maybe they’ll have a cure. We have to go.
(Brett and Rajah make armor out of ridiculous objects then strategically make their way out the
door. Sounds of fighting ensues followed by girly screams as they come running back in.)
Brian
Brian: What happened? Did the zambies gang up on you?
Rajah
Rajah: No… raccoons in the trash cans.
Brett
Brett: They were making too much noise. There’s a whole hoard of zombies out there now.
Brian
Brian: So, what do we do now?
Brett
Brett: I guess we just wait and try again later. Rajah
Rajah: Or we could… not.
Brian
Brian: What’s that supposed to mean?
Brett
Brett: Well, I mean… we do have food and supplies, lots of it. In theory we could just… wait the apocalypse out.
(All members look at each other and agree silently before grabbing an assortment of snacks off
the shelves and sitting on the floor)
END