Chapter 2 Playing Well with Others

Chapter 4 Handouts Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4

2 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4

4.1. RECOGNIZING PERSONAL BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES: THOMAS-KILMANN CONFLICT MODE INSTRUMENT

For each set of questions check  “A” or “B” for the statement that is most characteristic of your own behavior. Example: 1A. I prefer cream in my coffee. 1A 1B 1B. I like my coffee black.  I checked 1B because I like my coffee black.

1A. There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the 1A 1B problem. 1B. Rather than negotiate the things on which we disagree, I try to stress those things upon which we both agree. 2A. I try to find a compromise solution. 2A 2B 2B. I attempt to deal with all of his/her and my concerns. 3A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. 3A 3B 3B. I might try to soothe the other’s feelings and preserve our relationship. 4A. I try to find a compromise solution. 4A 4B 4B. I sometimes sacrifice my own wishes for the wishes of the other person. 5A. I consistently seek the other’s help in working out a solution. 5A 5B 5B. I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions. 6A. I try to avoid creating unpleasantness for myself. 6A 6B 6B. I try to win my position. 7A. I try to postpone the issue until I have had some time to think it over. 7A 7B 7B. I give up some points in exchange for others. 8A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. 8A 8B 8B. I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open. 9A. I feel that differences are not always worth worrying about. 9A 9B 9B. I make some effort to get my way. 10A. I am firm in pursuing my goals. 10A 10B 10B. I try to find a compromise solution. 11A. I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open. 11A 11B 11B. I might try to soothe the other’s feelings and preserve our relationship. 12A. I sometimes avoid taking positions which would create controversy. 12A 12B 12B. I will let the other person have some of his/her positions if he/she lets me have some of mine. 13A. I propose a middle ground. 13A 13B 13B. I press to get my points made. 14A. I tell the other person my ideas and ask for his/hers. 14A 14B 14B. I try to show the other person the logic and benefits of my position. 15A. I might try to soothe the other’s feelings to preserve our relationship. 15A 15B 15B. I try to do what is necessary to avoid tensions. 16A. I try not to hurt the other’s feelings. 16A 16B 16B. I try to convince the other person of the merits of my position.

RECOGNIZING PERSONAL BEHAVIORAL RESPONSES Page 2 17A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. 17A 17B 17B. I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions. 18A. If it makes other people happy, I might let them maintain their views. 18A 18B 18B. I will let other people have some of their positions if they let me have some of mine. 19A. I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open. 19A 19B 19B. I try to postpone the issue until I have had some time to think it over. 20A. I attempt to immediately work through our difference. 20A 20B 20B. I try to find a fair combination of gains and losses for both of us. 21A. In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other 21A 21B person’s wishes. 21B. I always lean toward a direct discussion of the problem. 22A. I try to find a position that is intermediate between his/hers and mine. 22A 22B 22B. I assert my wishes. 23A. I am very often concerned with satisfying all our wishes. 23A 23B 23B. There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problem. 24A. If the other’s positions seems very important to him/her, I would try to 24A 24B meet his/her wishes. 24B. I try to get the other to settle for a compromise. 25A. I try to show the other person the logic and benefits of my position. 25A 25B 25B. In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other person’s wishes. 26A. I propose a middle ground. 26A 26B 26B. I am nearly always concerned with satisfying all our wishes. 27A. I sometimes avoid taking positions that would create controversy. 27A 27B 27B. If it makes other people happy, I might let them maintain their views. 28A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals. 28A 28B 28B. I usually seek the other’s help in working out a solution. 29A. I propose a middle ground. 29A 29B 29B. I feel that differences are not always worth worrying about. 30A. I try not to hurt the other’s feelings. 30A 30B 30B. I always share the problem with the other person so that we can work it out.

4.2. THOMAS-KILMANN CONFLICT MODE INSTRUMENT SCORE SHEET Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodating 1 A B 2 B A 3 A B 4 A B 5 A B 6 B A 7 B A 8 A B 9 B A 10 A B 11 A B 12 B A 13 B A 14 B A 15 B A 16 B A 17 A B 18 B A 19 A B 20 A B 21 B A 22 B A 23 A B 24 B A 25 A B 26 B A 27 A B 28 A B 29 A B 30 B A Total Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodating In which column did you receive the highest score? This is your preferred style for conflict management.

4.3. THOMAS-KILMANN CONFLICT STYLES

The Five Conflict Styles

(Thomas-Kilmann, 1972 with further descriptions and analysis by Bonnie Burrell, 2001)

A. The Competing Style is when you stress your position without considering opposing points of view. This style is highly assertive with minimal cooperativeness; the goal is to win. The competing style is used when a person has to take quick action, make unpopular decisions, handle vital issues, or when one needs protection in a situation where noncompetitive behavior can be exploited. To develop this style you must develop your ability to argue and debate, use your rank or position, assert your opinions and feelings, and learn to state your position and stand your ground.

Overuse of this style can lead to lack of feedback, reduced learning, and low empowerment. This can result in being surrounded by “Yes-Men”. People who overuse the competing style often use inflammatory statements due to a lack of interpersonal skills training. When overuse is taken to an extreme the person will create errors in the implementation of the task by withholding needed information, talking behind another person’s back (or “back-stabbing”), using eye motions and gestures designed to express disapproval, and creating distractions by fiddling or interrupting. Overuse of this style can be exhibited through constant tension or anger and occasional outbursts of violent temper.

Underuse of the competing style leads to a lowered level of influence, indecisiveness, slow action, and withheld contributions. When the competing style is underused some emergent behaviors people exhibit include justifying the behaviors, demanding concessions as a condition of working on the problem, threatening separation as a way of making others give in, and launching personal attacks.

B.The Avoiding Style is when you do not satisfy your concerns or the concerns of the other person. This style is low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to delay. It is appropriate to use this style when there are issues of low importance, to reduce tensions, or to buy time. Avoidance is also appropriate when you are in a low power position and have little control over the situation, when you need to allow others to deal with the conflict, or when the problem is symptomatic of a much larger issue and you need to work on the core issue. To develop skills in

7 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4 this style use foresight in knowing when to withdraw, learn to sidestep loaded questions or sensitive areas by using diplomacy, become skillful at creating a sense of timing, and practice leaving things unresolved.

Overuse of the avoidance style can result in a low level of input, decision-making by default, and allowing issues to fester, which can produce a breakdown in communication between team members. This can inhibit brainstorming sessions from being productive and can prevent the team from functioning. People who overuse avoidance feel they cannot speak frankly without fear of repercussions. The overuse of conflict avoidance can often be a result of childhood experiences, past work-related incidents, and negative experiences with conflict resolution. Behaviors associated with the overuse of avoidance include being silent, sullen, and untruthful when asked if something is wrong. A milder form of avoidance behavior is when the team member procrastinates about getting work done and deliberately takes an opposing point of view inappropriately during a decision-making situation, or is timid, withdrawn, or shy. Extreme behaviors can occur when avoidance is overused. A person begins to be negative, critical and sarcastic. Other extreme avoidance behaviors include becoming passive aggressive by being late and not paying attention at meetings. It also lends a greater importance to this style as compared to the other styles because you have devoted such a disproportionate amount of time to the style.

Underuse of the avoidance style results in hostility and hurt feelings. In addition, work can become overwhelming because too many issues are taken on at once, resulting in an inability to prioritize and delegate. When avoidance is underused a team member may deny that there is a problem and allow their hurt feelings to prevent communication.

C.The Compromising Style is finding a middle ground or forgoing some of your concerns and committing to other's concerns. This style is moderately assertive and moderately cooperative; the goal is to find middle ground. The compromising style is used with issues of moderate importance, when both parties are equally powerful and equally committed to opposing views. This style produces temporary solutions and is appropriate when time is a concern, and as a back up for the competing and collaborating styles when they are unsuccessful in resolving the situation. Compromising skills include the ability to communicate and keep the dialogue open, the ability to find an answer that is fair to both parties, the ability to give up part of what you want, and the ability to assign value to all aspects of the issue.

Overuse of the compromising style leads to loss of long-term goals, a lack of trust, creation of a cynical environment, and being viewed as having no firm values. Overuse of compromise can result in making concessions to keep people happy without resolving the original conflict.

Underuse leads to unnecessary confrontations, frequent power struggles, and ineffective negotiating.

D.The Collaborating Style is when the concern is to satisfy both sides. It is highly assertive and highly cooperative; the goal is to find a “win/win” solution. Appropriate uses for the collaborating style include integrating solutions, learning, merging perspectives, gaining commitment, and improving relationships. Using this style can support open discussion of issues, task proficiency, and equal distribution of work amongst the team members, better brainstorming, and development of creative problem solving. This style is appropriate to use frequently in a team environment. Collaborating skills include the ability to use active or effective listening, confront situations in a non-threatening way, analyze input, and identify underlying concerns.

Overuse of the collaborating style can lead to spending too much time on trivial matters, diffusion of responsibility, being taken advantage of, and being overloaded with work. Underuse can result in using quick fix solutions, lack of commitment by other team members, disempowerment, and loss of innovation.

E.The Accommodating Style is foregoing your concerns in order to satisfy the concerns of others. This style is low assertiveness and high cooperativeness; the goal is to yield. The accommodating style is appropriate to use in situations when you want to show that you are reasonable, develop performance, create good will, keep peace, retreat, or for issues of low importance. Accommodating skills include the ability to sacrifice, the ability to be selfless, the ability to obey orders, and the ability to yield.

Overuse of the accommodating style results in ideas getting little attention, restricted influence, loss of contribution, and anarchy. People who overuse the accommodating style exhibit a lack of desire to change and usually demonstrate anxiety over future uncertainties. One of their main desires may be to keep everything the same. When accommodating is overused certain behaviors emerge. Some of these emergent behaviors include giving up personal space, making "me" or other victim statements, being overly helpful and then holding a grudge, and

9 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4 speaking in an extremely quiet almost unintelligible voice. Underuse of the accommodating style can result in lack of rapport, low morale, and an inability to yield. When the accommodating style is underused a person may display apathy as a way of not addressing the anger or hurt, and make statements full of innuendo and double meanings.

Interpreting Your Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory Scores

Usually, after getting the results of any test or assessment, the first question people ask is: "What are the right answers?" In the case of conflict-handling behavior, there are no universal right answers. All five modes are useful in some situations: each represents a set of useful social skills. Our conventional wisdom recognizes, for example, that often “two heads are better than one” (Collaborating). But it also says, “Kill your enemies with kindness” (Accommodating), “Split the difference” (Compromising), “Leave well enough alone” (Avoiding), and “Might makes right” (Competing). The effectiveness of a given conflict-handling mode depends upon the requirements of the specific conflict situation and the skill with which the mode is used.

Each of us is capable of using all five conflict-handling modes: none of us can be characterized as having a single, rigid style of dealing with conflict. However, any given individual uses some modes better than others and therefore, tends to rely upon those modes more heavily than others, whether because of temperament or practice.

The conflict behaviors which individuals use are therefore the result of both their personal predispositions and the requirements of the situations in which they find themselves. The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument is designed to assess this mix of conflict-handling modes.

To help you judge how appropriate your utilization of the five modes is, we have listed a number of uses for each mode based on lists generated by company presidents. Your score, high or low, indicates how often you tend to utilize each mode in the appropriate situation. There is a possibility that your social skills lead you to rely upon some conflict behaviors more or less than necessary. To help you determine if this is a problem for you we have also listed some diagnostic questions to serve as warning signals for the under or overuse of each mode.

A. Competing

 When quick, decisive action is vital – e.g., emergencies.  On important issues where unpopular courses of action need to be implemented – e.g., cost cutting, enforcing unpopular rules, discipline.  On issues vital to company welfare when you know you're right.  To protect yourself against people who take advantage of noncompetitive behavior.

If you scored High:

 Do “yes” men surround you? (If so, perhaps it's because they have learned that it's unwise to disagree with you, or have given up trying to influence you. This closes you off from information.)  Are subordinates afraid to admit ignorance and uncertainties to you? (In competitive climates, one must fight for influence and respect – which means acting more certain and confident than one feels. The upshot is that people are less able to ask for information and opinion – they are less able to learn.)

If you scored Low:

 Do you often feel powerless in situations? (It may be because you are unaware of the power you do have, unskilled in its use, or uncomfortable with the idea of using it. This may hinder your effectiveness by restricting your influence.)  Do you have trouble taking a firm stand, even when you see the need? (Sometimes concerns for other's feelings or anxieties about the use of power cause us to vacillate, which may mean postponing the decision and adding to the suffering and/or resentment of others.)

B. Collaborating

 To find an integrative solution when both sets of concerns are too important to be compromised.

 When your objective is to learn – e.g., testing your own assumptions, understanding the views of others.  To merge insights from people with different perspectives on a problem.  To gain commitment by incorporating other's concerns into a consensual decision.  To work through hard feelings which have been interfering with an interpersonal relationship.

If you scored High:

 Do you spend time discussing issues in depth that do not seem to deserve it?

(Collaboration takes time and energy – perhaps the scarcest organizational resource. Trivial problems don't require optimal solutions, and not all personal differences need to be hashed out. The overuse of collaboration and consensual decision-making sometimes represents a desire to minimize risk by diffusing responsibility for a decision or by postponing action.)  Does your collaborative behavior fail to elicit collaborative responses from others? (The exploratory and tentative nature of some collaborative behavior may make it easy for others to disregard collaborative overtures, or the trust and openness may be taken advantage of. You may be missing some cues that indicate the presence of defensiveness, strong feelings, impatience, competitiveness, or conflicting interests.)

If you scored Low:

 Is it hard for you to see differences as opportunities for joint gain – as opportunities to learn or solve problems? (Although there are often threatening or unproductive aspects of conflict, indiscriminate pessimism can prevent you from seeing collaborative possibilities and thus deprive you of the mutual gains and satisfactions which accompany successful collaboration.)

 Are subordinates uncommitted to your decisions or policies? (Perhaps their own concerns are not being incorporated into those decisions or policies.)

C. Compromising

 When goals are moderately important, but not worth the effort or potential disruption of more assertive modes.  When two opponents with equal power are strongly committed to mutually exclusive goals – e.g., as in labor-management bargaining.  To achieve temporary settlements to complex issues.  To arrive at expedient solutions under time pressure.  As a backup mode when collaboration or competition fails to be successful.

If you scored High:

 Do you concentrate so heavily upon the practicalities and tactics of compromise that you sometimes lose sight of larger issues – principles, values, long-term objectives, or company/team welfare?  Does an emphasis on bargaining and trading create a cynical climate of gamesmanship? (Such a climate might undermine interpersonal trust and deflect attention away from the merits of the issues discussed.)

If you scored Low:

 Do you find yourself too sensitive or embarrassed to be effective in bargaining situations?  Do you find it hard to make concessions? (Without this safety valve, you may have trouble getting gracefully out of mutually destructive arguments, power struggles, etc.).

D. Avoiding

 When an issue is trivial, of only passing importance, or when other more important issues are pressing.  When you perceive no chance of satisfying your concerns – e.g., when you have low power or you are frustrated by something which would be very difficult to change (national policies, someone's personality structure, etc.).

 When the potential damage of confronting a conflict outweighs the benefits of its resolution.  To let people cool down – to reduce tensions to a productive level and to regain perspective and composure.  When gathering more information outweighs the advantages of an immediate decision.  When others can resolve the conflict more effectively.  When the issue seems tangential or symptomatic of another more basic issue.

If you scored High:

 Does your coordination suffer because people have trouble getting your input on issues?  Does it often appear that people are "walking on eggshells?" (Sometimes a dysfunctional amount of energy can be devoted to caution and the avoiding of issues, indicating that issues need to be faced and resolved.)  Are decisions on important issues made by default?

If you scored Low:

 Do you find yourself hurting people's feelings or stirring up hostilities? (You may need to exercise more discretion in confronting issues or more tact in framing issues in non-threatening ways. Tact is partially the art of avoiding potentially disruptive aspects of an issue.)  Do you often feel harried or overwhelmed by a number of issues? (You may need to devote more time to setting priorities – deciding which issues are relatively unimportant and perhaps delegating them to others.)

E. Accommodating

 When you realize that you are wrong (or less experienced or knowledgeable)--to allow a better position to be heard, to learn from others, and to show that you are reasonable.  When the issue is much more important to the other person than to yourself – to satisfy the needs of others and, as a goodwill gesture, to help maintain a cooperative relationship.

 To build up social credits for later issues which are important to you.  When continued competition would only damage your cause – when you are outmatched and losing.  When preserving harmony and avoiding disruption are especially important.  To aid in the managerial development of subordinates by allowing them to experiment and learn from their own mistakes.

If you scored High:

 Do you feel that your own ideas and concerns are not getting the attention they deserve? (Deferring too much to the concerns of others can deprive you of influence, respect, and recognition. It also deprives the organization of your potential contributions.)  Is discipline lax? (Although discipline for its own sake may be of little value, there are often rules, procedures, and assignments whose implementation is crucial for you or the organization.)

If you scored Low:

 Do you have trouble building goodwill with others? (Accommodation on minor issues that are important to others is a gesture of goodwill.)  Do others often seem to regard you as unreasonable?  Do you have trouble admitting it when you are wrong?  Do you recognize legitimate exceptions to rules?  Do you know when to give up?

Now that you know a little more about conflict styles and your personal preferences, the goal is to develop skills in all of the styles so that you can mold conflict into a constructive form. Conflict can be used to help expose important issues, develop learning and creativity, and can help to develop trust and openness (Brake & Walker, 1995). Once you understand your styles you can view conflict management through five interrelated issues: source issues, strategy issues, context issues, reaction issues, and power issues.

Source issues in teams can result from individuals having different values, beliefs, and perceptions of self-interest. Team members can have conflicting goals and

15 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4 priorities, contrasting methodologies, different perceptions of events, and disparities in the distribution of work.

Strategy issues arise when people don’t have the skills to choose the appropriate conflict management style. Conflict can escalate when incompatible potential solutions to conflicts have not been analyzed and when there is no acknowledgement of the importance of the issue to individual team members.

Context issues are concerned with where and when the conflict is taking place, which includes culture, environment, and the history of the conflict. Conflict will escalate because of context issues when there is a loyalty to a specific sub group within the team, or when one member feels they must support friends within the team; this creates factions or polarized subgroups. Another context issue that can be cultural is when the team members admire or tolerate displays of anger or stubbornness; this can result in conflict escalation.

Reaction issues involve the emotions being expressed during the conflict. An example of a reaction issue is when team members see themselves as under attack. Conflicts can escalate when one or more team members perceive they are losing the conflict.

Power issues usually involve resources such as money, time, knowledge, skill, information authority, legitimacy, and networking issues. Conflict escalation occurs in this context when there is a lack of authority to restrain hostile behavior.

Recognizing the different aspects of a conflict and the different manners in which conflict escalates allows you to deal with situations more effectively. When a conflict has high intensity and detrimentally affects the entire team, the plan should be to narrow the issues down to specific issues so it can be resolved.

4.4. MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCE TEST

Where does your true intelligence lie? This quiz will tell you where you stand and what to do about it. Read each statement. If it expresses some characteristic of yours and sounds true for the most part, jot down a "T." If it doesn't, mark an "F." If the statement is sometimes true, sometimes false, leave it blank.

1. _____ I'd rather draw a map than give someone verbal directions.

2. _____ I can play (or used to play) a musical instrument.

3. _____ I can associate music with my moods.

4. _____ I can add or multiply in my head.

5. _____ I like to work with calculators and computers.

6. _____ I pick up new dance steps fast.

7. _____ It's easy for me to say what I think in an argument or debate.

8. _____ I enjoy a good lecture, speech, or sermon.

9. _____ I always know north from south no matter where I am.

10. _____ Life seems empty without music.

11. _____ I always understand the directions that come with new gadgets or appliances.

12. _____ I like to work puzzles and play games.

13. _____ Learning to ride a bike (or skates) was easy.

14. _____ I am irritated when I hear an argument or statement that sounds illogical.

15. _____ My sense of balance and coordination is good.

16. _____ I often see patterns and relationships between numbers faster and easier than others.

17. _____ I enjoy building models (or sculpting).

18. _____ I'm good at finding the fine points of word meanings.

19. _____ I can look at an object one way and see it sideways or backwards just as easily.

20. _____ I often connect a piece of music with some event in my life.

21. _____ I like to work with numbers and figures.

22. _____ Just looking at shapes of buildings and structures is pleasurable to me.

23. _____ I like to hum, whistle and sing in the shower or when I'm alone.

24. _____ I'm good at athletics.

25. _____ I'd like to study the structure and logic of languages.

26. _____ I'm usually aware of the expression on my face.

27. _____ I'm sensitive to the expressions on other people's faces.

28. _____ I stay "in touch" with my moods. I have no trouble identifying them.

29. _____ I am sensitive to the moods of others.

30. _____ I have a good sense of what others think of me.

MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCE SCORING SHEET

Place a check mark by each item you marked as "true." Add your totals. A total of four in any of the categories A through E indicates strong ability. In categories F and G a score of one or more means you have abilities as well.

A B C D E F G VERBAL LOGICAL AURAL VISUAL PHYSICAL SOLITARY SOCIAL (linguistic) (mathematical) (auditory/m (spatial) (kinesthetic) (intra- (inter- usical) personal) personal) 7______4______2______1______6______26_____ 27_____ 8______5______3______9______13_____ 28_____ 29_____ 14_____ 12_____ 10_____ 11_____ 15_____ 30_____ 18_____ 16_____ 20_____ 19_____ 17_____ 25_____ 21_____ 23_____ 22_____ 24_____

______Total Total Total Total Total Total Total

4.5 VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

BODY LANGUAGE: Non-verbal communication

Body language often speaks louder than words. Your words may be direct, honest, and assertive, but if your body language lacks presence or is self-deprecating, the receptibility of your message is diminished. Likewise, you may express your feelings or great ideas eloquently, but if your presence is demanding, accusatory, or intimidating, your assertive message may be interpreted as aggressive and just as soon dismissed.

In addition to the actual meaning of the words being said, other factors contribute to the overall message being expressed. According to research by Alfred Mehrabian1, the persuasiveness of a message depends on:

 Nonverbal communication - includes facial expression, movement and gestures.  Voice communication - includes the tone with which the message is conveyed such as confidence, desperation, anger or condescension.

1 Nonverbal Communication, 1992 21 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4

The Verbal & Non-Verbal Components of Communication2

Nonassertive Aggressive Assertive “I’m not OK.” “You’re not OK.” “We’re OK.” Verbal  Apologetic  Demanding  Clear  Hidden Meaning  Accusatory  Honest  No Point  Name-calling  Objective  Rambling  Blaming  Direct  Disconnected  Labeling  Failure to convey intent Non-Verbal General Actions instead of Exaggerated show of Attentive listening words, hoping strength, sarcastic behavior, assured someone will guess style, air of manner, what you want, superiority. communicating looking as though caring and strength. you don’t mean what you say. Specific Voice Weak, hesitant, Tense, shrill, loud, Firm, warm, well- soft, wavering. shaky, cold, demanding, modulated, relaxed. “deadly quiet”, superior, authoritarian Eyes Lacks eye contact, Expressionless, Open, frank, direct, downcast, teary, narrowed, cold, glaring, contact but not pleading. not really seeing. staring. Posture Leaning for Hands on hips, feet Well-balanced, support, stooped, apart, stiff, rigid, rude. straight, relaxed. head bobbing. Hands Fidgety, clammy Clenched, abrupt Relaxed motions, gestures, finger non-threatening, do pointing, fist pounding. not draw excessive attention. 4.6. COMMON INEFFECTIVE LISTENING BEHAVIORS

2 Adapted from: The New Assertive Woman, by L. Bloom, K. Coburn, J. Pearlman

1) On-Off Listening This occurs because most of us think about four times as fast as the average person can speak. Thus, the listener has ¾ of a minute of “spare thinking time” in each listening minute to think about such things as personal affairs, concerns, and troubles.  One can overcome this by paying attention to more than the words (i.e., watching non-verbal signs like gestures, eye contact, hesitation, voice tone) to pick up the feeling level.

2) Red Flag Listening Sometimes, when we hear certain words, ideas, or opinions expressed, we become upset and stop listening. These expressions, often cultural, political, or religious in nature, become like a “red flag to a bull.” We find ourselves reacting and tuning out the speaker.  The first step to overcome this barrier is to discover our personal red flags. Also, try listening attentively to someone more sympathetic to the issue.

3) Open Ears – Closed Mind Listening Sometimes we decide rather quickly that either the subject or the speaker is boring, and what is being said makes no sense. We decide we can predict what the person knows or will say; thus, we conclude there is no reason to listen because we will hear nothing new.  It is better to listen and find out for sure if our predictions are accurate, rather than assume so.

4) Glassy-eyed Listening Sometimes we look at a person intently and seem to be listening. However, our minds are far away, absorbed in our own thoughts. We get glassy-eyed with a dreamy expression on our faces. We can tell when other people look this way, and they can see the same in us.  Postpone daydreaming until another time. If others appear glassy-eyed, suggest a change of pace or break.

5) Too-Complicated-For-Me Listening

When we are listening to ideas that are too detailed, wandering, or complex, we often stop paying attention and “give up” trying to understand. Our thoughts then go elsewhere.  It’s important to keep trying to understand by asking clarifying questions.

6) Don’t Rock the Boat Listening We don’t like to have our favorite ideas, prejudices, and points of view challenged or overturned. So, when someone says something that clashes with what we believe, we may unconsciously stop listening or even become defensive and plan a counterattack.  It is best to keep listening carefully and non-defensively, so we can do a better job of responding constructively.

Adapted from Strength to Your Sword Arm: Selected Writings, Brenda Ireland, Holy Cow Press, 1992

4.7. LISTENING SELF-ASSESSMENT

To help you become more aware of your listening habits, complete the following self- evaluation. Answer each question thoroughly and after you have answered all the questions, turn to page 4 to score your assessment.

Communicating Knowledge Most of Almost and Attitudes the Time Frequently Occasionally Never Put an X in the appropriate column. Do you: 1. Tune out when people you don’t agree with or don’t want to hear? ______

2. Concentrate on what’s being said even if you are uninterested? ______

3. Assume you know what the talker is going to say and stop listening? ______

4. Repeat in your own words what the talker has just said? ______

5. Listen to the other person’s view, even if it differs from yours? ______

6. Learn something from each person you meet, even if it is ever so slight? ______

7. Find out what words mean when they are used in unfamiliar ways? ______

8. Form a rebuttal in your head while the speaker is talking? ______

9. Give the appearance of listening when you aren’t? ______

10. Daydream while the speaker is talking? ______

11. Listen to the whole message – what the talker is saying verbally/non-verbally?______

12. Recognize that words don’t mean exactly the same thing to different people? ______

Communicating Knowledge Most of Almost and Attitudes the Time Frequently Occasionally Never

13. Listen to only what you want to hear, ignoring the talker’s whole message? ______

14. Look at the person who’s talking? ______

15. Concentrate on the talker’s meaning rather than how he or she looks? ______

16. Know which words and phrases you respond to emotionally? ______

17. Think about how the other person might react to what you say? ______

18. Plan the best time to say what you want to say? ______

19. Think about how the other person might react to what you say? ______

20. Consider the best way to make your communication (written, phone, etc.) work? ______

21. Think about what kind of person you’re talking to (shy, worried, hostile, etc.) ______

22. Interrupt the talker while he or she is still speaking? ______

23. Think “I assumed that he/she would know that”? ______

24. Allow the talker to vent negative feelings toward you without becoming offended? ______

25. Practice regularly to increase your listening efficiency? ______

26. Take notes when necessary to help you remember? ______

27. Hear noises without being distracted? ______

Communicating Knowledge Most of Almost and Attitudes the Time Frequently Occasionally Never

28. Listen to the talker without criticizing? ______

29. Restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly? ______

30. Paraphrase what you believe the talker is feeling? ______

Score Sheet

Circle the number that matches the time frame (most of the time, frequently, etc.) you checked on each of the 30 items of the self-evaluation.

Ex: If you put an X under “frequently” for #1, you would circle 2 in the “frequently” column.

Then, add the circled scores in each of the columns. Now, write the scores of each column in the lines under each time frame category.

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never 1. 1 2 3 4

2. 4 3 2 1

3. 1 2 3 4

4. 4 3 2 1

5. 4 3 2 1

6. 4 3 2 1

7. 4 3 2 1

8. 1 2 3 4

9. 1 2 3 4

10. 1 2 3 4

11. 4 3 2 1

12. 4 3 2 1

13. 1 2 3 4

14. 4 3 2 1

15. 4 3 2 1

16. 4 3 2 1

17. 4 3 2 1

18. 4 3 2 1

19. 4 3 2 1

20. 4 3 2 1

21. 1 2 3 4

22. 1 2 3 4

23. 1 2 3 4

24. 4 3 2 1

25. 4 3 2 1

26. 4 3 2 1

27. 4 3 2 1

28. 4 3 2 1

29. 4 3 2 1

30. 4 3 2 1

Totals Total of items in each column: Most of Almost The Time Frequently Occasionally Never Total

______+______+______+ ______= ______

Scoring: 110-120 Superior ______90 -109 Above Average ______88-98 Average ______77-87 Fair ______

4.8. STRATEGIES FOR WORKING WITH PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN CHALLENGING BEHAVIOR

4.9. TOWN HALL COMMUNICATION ACTIVITY

Scene: Town Hall Meeting

Parties: Facilitator Dog Walker Parent 1 Local Business Owner 11th Grade Student 7th Grade Student Library Coordinator Day Camp Counselor Event Planner Town Mayor Park Manager Parent 2

Due to the city’s budget crisis, one community program will need to be discontinued. After many rounds of discussion, the two programs being considered for elimination are the city library and the city’s only public community park.

In addition to a large collection of materials for borrowing, the City Library offers free adult literacy programs, English language courses, after school tutoring, summer reading programs, and story time for young children and their families. The City Library also has a 35-year history of organizing the city’s annual Let’s Read! Book Drive, providing free reading materials to children to promote literacy and love for reading. A recent survey has shown that the City Library is a favorite after-school destination for children in grades 4-8 and is listed as a popular choice for junior high and high school students who need to fulfill community service volunteer requirements. However, recently, the City Library has had difficulty keeping their materials up to date, and many patrons have been willing to commute further distances to neighboring community libraries for the latest releases in books and movies.

The Community Park is the only publicly owned and operated outdoor recreational facility in the city. The park consists of four areas: a dog-friendly field, two fully accessible play areas for children, and a picnic area with a barbeque pit. The Community Park was established 20 years ago due to popular demand, when many young families moved to the area. Since its creation, the Community Park has been a popular venue for private and public events, including weddings, concerts, birthday parties, summer camps and other gatherings. Because maintenance costs have increased, the Community Park has been struggling to pay for daily operations.

You are a participant in the town hall meeting discussing which program to close: the City Library or the Community Park. By the end of this meeting, one program will be determined for discontinuation.

4.10. CAN YOU TEACH YOUR CHILD TO BE A SELF-ADVOCATE? SHOULD YOU?

Yes, you can teach your child to be a self-advocate by using the same techniques you are using to become an effective parent advocate.

You should teach your child to become a self-advocate, to enable him/her to:

 Obtain all services required by law  Develop his/her potential to the fullest  Identify community resources that can provide assistance  Plan for the future and make independent decisions  Develop his/her employment potential  Develop communication skills  Live independently  Identify support groups  Develop citizenship and participate in the political process by being an educated voter  Represent himself/herself at meetings and public hearings  Develop networking skills and opportunities, and participate in community life

Remember – the purpose of your child’s education is to prepare for independent living. In order to live independently, your child should learn how to become an effective advocate on his/her own behalf.

How do you teach your child to become a self-advocate? And when do you start?  You start at the earliest possible age, informally before your child starts school – by bringing him or her in contact with adults with disabilities who are self-advocates.

 Join an advocacy organization involving adults with disabilities and involve your whole family in the group’s activities. Some of these activities are: study/focus groups that collect data and/or information on problems and unmet needs that impact people with disabilities; conferences where persons with disabilities are presenters on a variety of topics involving advocacy and independent living; public hearings where persons with disabilities present testimony on unmet needs and the impact of proposed legislation, or proposed legislative rules; lobbying activities where people with disabilities contact local, state, and federal officials regarding proposed legislation.

By participating with your child in some of these activities you will be involving him/her with adults who will be positive role models.

 Together with your child, visit your local Center for Independent Living (CIL). These Centers are generally staffed by adults with disabilities, and many conduct seminars and training programs on a variety of independent living issues. Find out if you and your child can participate in some of these seminars or can become involved in other CIL activities as volunteers.

 Together with your child visit your local Rehabilitation Services Administration (RSA) and introduce him/her to persons with disabilities who are employed by the RSA. Also, visit other public agencies (and private corporations) that employ persons with disabilities and make an appointment for a brief, informal meeting with these employees.

During your visit, discuss with them: the strategies they used to become effective advocates in their communities, how they access needed services, and how they promote change in the system.

After each activity and visit discuss with your child the impact of the activity or visit and what he/she learned from it.

 Involve your child in preparing for your special education meetings, including IEP meetings, mediation meetings, and due process hearings, if needed. Explain to him or her the purpose of the meeting and how it will help your child get needed services. Prepare your child for a role in the meeting, providing information and answering questions as appropriate.

 At the meeting, involve your child as appropriate, providing information and answering questions.

 After the meeting, discuss with your child the impact of the meeting and what your child learned from it.

 Involve your child in the activities of your parent group, participating in meetings, training programs, public hearings, and lobbying activities. Prepare your child for each activity, carefully explaining the purpose of the activity and what your child’s role will be.

 Encourage your child to participate in the public meetings you are involved in. Help your child prepare for these meetings, preparing questions or comments for public participation as part of the meetings. Rehearse and tape these

questions or comments ahead of time and have your child critique the comments during the play back.

 Involve your child in public hearings where you will be presenting testimony. After your child has observed one or two hearings, encourage him/her to present testimony from the student’s/consumer’s point of view. Help your child prepare testimony starting with the draft of an outline, then a prepared presentation. Tape the presentation and play it back. Have your child critique the presentation, pointing out strengths and weaknesses. Encourage him/her to revise the presentation, emphasizing the strengths brought out during the critique. Most children can make an effective presentation in junior high with proper training and encouragement. Tape the actual presentation at the hearing and play it back for a critique afterwards. Compliment your child on the strengths displayed during the presentation.

 Encourage your child to speak up at IEP meetings and other special education meetings, providing specific input on the development of the IEP. Help prepare your child for the meeting, tape the meeting, and play back with a critique after the meeting.

 Encourage your child to increase his/her role at meetings as he/she gets older and compliment your child at the end of each meeting.

 Encourage your child to write letters to newspapers – helping him/her to critique the first draft and then encouraging a rewrite for the most effective letter.

Praise your child every step of the way. Soon others will be doing the praising and your child will be motivated to do even more. By the time your child is ready to leave high school, he/she will have developed self-advocacy skills that will promote self-determination and independence for a lifetime.

“How to Organize an Effective Parent/Advocacy Group and Move Bureaucracies,” Charlotte Des Jardins, Family Resource Center on Disabilities, 1993

4.11. INVOLVING YOUR CHILD IN MEDICAL INTERACTIONS

SKILLS BEFORE BEFORE 10 18  Carry and present insurance card X X  Know wellness baseline, Dx, Meds X X  Make own doctor’s appointments X X  Call in Rx refills X  Learning choice X X  Decision making (assent to consent) X  Prepare for Doctor visits: 5 Qs X X  Present Co-pay X X  Assess: Insurance, SSI, VR X  Gather disability documentation X

**Taken from Healthy and Ready to Work: National Resource Center. http://www.hrtw.org/

4.12. CHAPTER 4 HOMEWORK HOMEWORK:

1. On your copy of the Action Planning Template, fill in boxes 12: Key Messages and 13: Tactics.

2. Share Handout 4.10: Can You Teach Your Child to be a Self- Advocate? with your child and discuss some activities your child would like to start participating in.

3. Fill out Handout 4.14 and have your child fill out Handout 4.15. Compare your responses and discuss discrepancies. Develop a plan for transition with your child.

4. Make your own Medical Sheet with your child • NOTE: this helps your child become more self- sufficient, and its just good practice to keep track of medical history and information.

5. Next we will be “telling our stories.” Please bring a photo of your child / family if you would like.

4.13. SAMPLE MEDICAL SHEET

44 Adapted and excerpted from Alameda County Medical Home Project Child Health Record (CHR), full version can be found under “The Child Health Record” at http://criss-ca.org/Medical%20Home %20Materials.html. Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4

4.14. TRANSITIONS – CHANGING ROLES FOR YOUTH

Health & Wellness 101 Yes I want I need Someone else I do to do to learn will have to do The Basics this this how this - Who?

1. I understand my health care needs and disability, and can explain my needs to others. 2. I can explain to others how our family’s customs and beliefs might affect health care decisions and medical treatments. 3. I carry my health insurance card every day. 4. I know my health and wellness baseline (pulse, respiration rate, elimination habits). 5. I track my own appointments and prescription refills expiration dates. 6. I call for my own doctor appointments. 7. I call in my own prescriptions refills. 8. Before a doctor’s appointment, I prepare written questions to ask. 9. I know I have an option to see my doctor by myself. 10. I carry my important health information with me every day (i.e., medical summary, including medical diagnosis, list of medications, allergy info., doctor’s numbers, drug store number, etc). 11. I have a part in filing my medical records and receipts at home. 12. I pay my co-pays for medical visits. 13. I co-sign the “permission for medical treatment” form (with or without signature stamp), or can direct others to do so. 14. I know my symptoms that need quick medical attention. 15. I know what to do in case I have a medical emergency. 16. I help monitor my medical equipment so it’s in good working condition (daily and routine maintenance). 17. My family and I have a plan so I can keep my healthcare insurance after I turn 18.

**Taken from Healthy and Ready to Work: http://www.hrtw.org/

4.15. TRANSITIONS – CHANGING ROLES FOR FAMILIES

Yes I want I need Someone else my my to learn will have to do Health & Wellness 101 child/ child/ how to this for my youth youth teach my child/youth The Basics can do to do child/ this this youth Who? 1. My child/youth understands his/her health care needs and disability, and can explain needs to others. 2. My child/youth can explain to others how our family’s customs and beliefs might affect health care decisions and medical treatments. 3. My child/youth carries his/her health insurance card with him/her. 4. My child/youth knows his/her health and wellness baseline (pulse, respiration rate, elimination habits). 5. My child/youth tracks appointments and prescription refills expiration dates. 6. My child/youth call to make his/her own doctor appointments. 7. My child/youth calls in his/her prescriptions refills. 8. Before a doctor’s appointment my child/youth prepares written questions to ask. 9. My child/youth is prepared to see the doctor by him/her self. 10. My child/youth carries his/her important health information every day (i.e., medical summary, including medical diagnosis, list of medications, allergy info., doctor’s / drug store numbers, etc). 11. My child/youth helps file medical records and receipts at home. 12. My child/youth pays co-pays for his/her medical visits. 13. My child/youth co-signs the “permission for medical treatment form” (with or without signature stamp), or can direct others to do so. 14. My child/youth knows his/her symptoms that need quick medical attention. 15. My child/youth knows what to do if they have a medical emergency. 16. My child/youth knows how to monitor medical equipment so it’s in good working condition (daily and routine maintenance). 17. My child/youth and I have discussed a plan to continue healthcare insurance after they turn 18. **Taken from Healthy and Ready to Work: http://www.hrtw.org/ 54 Family Voices PROJECT LEADERSHIP  Chapter 4

4.16. EVALUATION

Name of Training: ______Date:______Please put a check in the box that best fits your opinion

Strong Agree Neithe Disagr Strong Not ly r ee ly Applicab Agree Agree Disagr le This training: Playing Well With Others: nor ee  4 Disagr 5 ee 2  3 1

… helped me understand different personal 5 4 3 2 1 N/A styles of communication. …helped me understand the importance of 5 4 3 2 1 N/A communication in building partnerships. …helped increase my knowledge of the 5 4 3 2 1 N/A importance of “effective listening.” … helped increase my knowledge of conflict resolution and prevention. 5 4 3 2 1 N/A …helped me understand the importance of partnering with my child 5 4 3 2 1 N/A

1. Were the objectives of this workshop clear?  yes  no  somewhat Comments:

2. What part(s) did you find most useful?

3. What part(s) did you find least useful?

4. How would you rate the value of this workshop overall on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being great value? Great Value   5  4  3  2  1 Little value 

Comments

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