The Subtle Sin of Flattery

The Subtle Sin of Flattery Various Passages

Several years ago, I was reading the book Disciplines of a Godly Man by R. Kent Hughes for the first time, a book that I have returned to and even taught several times since. One chapter dealt specifically with the need to discipline the tongue, and in the process, mentioned several sins of the tongue with which you are probably familiar and about which you have heard numerous sermons: gossip, innuendo, criticism, etc. But there was another one on the list. It was a word with which I was familiar due to its mention in Scripture on a handful of occasions. The word? Flattery. It jumped out at me because…well, I had not really considered it seriously when thinking about sins of the tongue. And apparently not too many others have either, for though I have heard multiple sermons and challenges regarding the tongue and some of the specific sins of the tongue, flattery had somehow dodged the sermons that I remember hearing.

So why does this word not get the attention of the other sins of the tongue? There are probably a number of reasons, but most likely the problem centers upon the fact that very few people understand what flattery is and how guilty they are of it, and if someone does “get” that aspect, they often fail to consider how much God hates it. Whatever it is, God clearly hates speech that utilizes flattery (do not forget to include inaudible speech in your applications).

As we approach this topic, consider two possible ways to apply the biblical truths we will discuss to your heart. First, you need to see if you are guilty of being a flatterer—one who practices flattery in your speech. After looking at the biblical data, you may see that you are more of a flatterer than you realized. Second, you need to determine if you are an easy target for flattery. You will likely have people who flatter you. But how will you respond.

The concept of flattery is rooted in two Hebrew words that appear several times in the Old Testament. They are not always translated “to flatter” or “flattery” because they sometimes get more specific in their usage, which is a help to us as we seek to determine what flattery is. So let’s get into these verses, let the Bible speak for itself, and then address any areas of change needed in our lives.

The Characteristics of Flattery As the two Hebrew terms are used throughout the Old Testament, we are able to put together various pieces of the “flattery” puzzle. The following are general characteristics of flattery, though it does not appear that each aspect is equally active in every case.

 Flattery is subtly dangerous (Psalm 5:9; 73:18; Proverbs 2:16; 29:5). It is sneaky, catching the unsuspecting person unawares. It is something from which people need to be rescued—a slippery slope, a trap. Flattery is not something with which to trifle. It must be defeated!

 Flattery is deceptive in nature. 1. It promotes that which is false (Deuteronomy 11:16; Psalm 12:2; 55:21; 78:36; Proverbs 24:28; 26:28; cf. Jeremiah 20:7; Ezekiel 14:9—these latter two verses have an obviously different context than the others, but they support the usage of the term noted here). The connection between falsehood and flattery should not be misunderstood. It does not always mean that words of flattery are blatantly false statements. It can be exaggeration or any other manipulation of the data for selfish purposes. Overstatement of even true things is not uncommon when flattery is play. Accuracy is not the point of the flattering words—getting a certain desired response is.

Let’s say a younger boy is impressed with a high school student because of his athletic prowess. He might sit and watch in awe, but if he gets the chance to talk to the teenager, he might talk about how cool he is or how good he is at something else. He wants the older boy to think he is cool. Now, in one sense, he may not be inaccurate in his statements, but since this boy does not give the same compliments to others who have similar gifts, it is obvious that he is skewed in the praise he is giving. He is not merely giving deserved praise. His goal is not accuracy. He is overstating his case to get a certain response in his favor.

You must be careful about giving selective compliments only to those who you think can benefit you. If not, you are in danger of skewing the data because by building someone up and not another of equal dessert, you are promoting a false image, even if there is some truth to the argument. The warning here about the closeness of flattery and lying is that it is difficult to separate the two. Therefore, use one regularly is to eventually use the other.

2. It hides wrongdoing (Psalm 36:2). Flattery is used here by the ungodly to hide iniquity. It disguises reality, even to the point that the person is fooling himself. It is a cover up operation. A flattering person is willing to hide or excuse wrongdoing in his life or the life of the person he is flattering because it meets a specific end.

3. It says what is desired to be heard (Isaiah 30:10; Ezekiel 12:24). It was not uncommon in the days of prophets for wicked kings and nations to seek prophecy that worked in their favor. Once again, the issue was not the truth, but rather, desiring to have someone confirm the validity of a particular action.

Unfortunately, many teenage friendships are rooted in this aspect of flattery. You hang around people who tell you what you want to hear. They will say “nice” things when they should be confronting you. They will act as if everything is okay when you are dealing with legitimate consequences for your sin. It is one of the primary reasons teenagers often get counsel from unqualified counselors who know no more than they do. They know what they will hear, and they know they will like it. This is why teens with no heart for God hang around with others who have no heart for God. They do not put themselves in a position where they will be rebuked by someone who actually cares about them. Talk to an adult? Are you kidding? I have all these friends who “love” me. Surely, their advice is that to which I should listen. But you are in danger if that friend is interested in pleasing you with what they say.  Flattery is manipulative. 1. Its method is smoothness (Proverbs 2:16; 5:3; 7:5, 21; Isaiah 30:10; cf. Genesis 27:11; 1 Samuel 17:40; Isaiah 41:7; 57:6; Proverbs 25:15). The word here is sometimes used to mean “smoothness,” sometimes literally, but also figuratively as well. Flattery makes thing look good that are not. It seeks to change thoughts and behavior with an appealing, irresistible delivery.

2. Its end is seduction (Exodus 22:16; Judges 14:15; 16:5; 2 Samuel 3:25; 1 Kings 22:20-22; 2 Chronicles 18:19-21; Job 31:9, 27; Proverbs 1:10; 16:29; Jeremiah 20:10; Hosea 2:16). The connection between flattery and enticement or seduction is very real. Now in many of the Scriptural cases, relationships between members of the opposite sex are in view. Samson and Delilah is one. But that is not the limitation of its usage. There is even an account of Ahab (told twice in Scripture) being deceived by evil spirits to make a wrong choice. So as you read through the passages noted above, keep the applications wide open.

Here is where it can get tricky, because the verses we have looked at are very extreme in nature, indicating worst case scenarios. But what about best case scenarios, where maybe a person is not necessarily thinking about manipulating someone else? Guy/girl relationships at this point in life become one of the primary areas where manipulative flattery shows. You have people giving each other attention, saying nice things to and about each other, and generally making each other feel good. What could possibly be wrong with that? But once you mix the desire to earn the favor of someone else with some hormones and emotions, you can quickly end up with manipulation, even if that is not the intention at the outset.

 Flattery is shallow (Job 5:2; Proverbs 20:19; 28:23; Daniel 11:32; Hosea 7:11). In some places, the use of one of the Hebrew words promotes the idea of simplemindedness or silliness. A simple, shallow person is a prime target for flattery. Notice also the contrast between simplistic flattery and the faithful rebuke of a true friend. Anybody can hug somebody and post an “I love you.” on someone’s Facebook wall. But that is shallow in comparison with the demands of real love. Real love demands real action—including the faithful rebuke of a friend. No room for flattery here—only the raw truth.

 Flattery is selfishly motivated (Psalm 12:2-3). Here is where we find the fine line distinction between flattery and godly compliments of others—in the motives. Two people can say the same thing, but based upon what intentions are in the heart, one can be genuinely complimenting someone and another person can be flattering. Beware of the double heart. And notice that it is no coincidence that the double heart is directly related to pride—a direct result of selfishness.

Having considered the biblical data, let’s now try to formulate a biblical definition of flattery. Definition: Flattery is the manipulative use of complimentary language (spoken or written) for the purpose of benefiting oneself.

The Results of Flattery Like any other sin of the tongue—or sin period for that matter—flattery has devastating consequences. It is a game that too often gets played without considering them.

 Flattery results in destruction (Proverbs 26:28; 29:5; Jeremiah 20:10). The end game of flattery is not good. It will ultimately destroy what is in its path.

 God punishes flattery (Psalm 12:3). God’s approach to flattery is parallel to His approach to pride. It is something He will definitely address.

Every time you use flattery does not mean your heart is consumed with each of these features of flattery, but you need to clearly understand the field upon which you are playing and the things to which flattery is naturally connected, should you continue to play the game. Maybe you are one who is guilty of using flattery—even sometimes without even fully realizing it—to accomplish in the lives of others what will benefit you. The hearts and lives of others have become a playground for your games. You must repent and forsake such selfish living. Quit seeking joy apart from Christ as you manipulate others.

For others of you, you need to understand how susceptible you are to the flattery of others. It is a subtle sin, and when you are being flattered, it is difficult to see past it. But understand that the very enjoyment you take from being flattered represents the dangerous slope upon which you are walking. Stop looking for self-satisfaction or fulfillment in the flattery of others. Return to your first love, so that He may give your life true purpose.