Temptress (Extract)

Temptress (extract)

Philip St John

Temptress ran at Mermaid, Bray and The New Theatre, Dublin for thirteen performances in Oct-Nov 2015.

Characters: Pete Noel Scene One. The living room of a large, old, isolated house. Dusk.

PETE: Noel, on behalf of The Foundation I want to thank you for inviting me here.

NOEL: Okay.

PETE: Opening your door. Agreeing to talk. Thank you.

NOEL: Okay.

PETE: Beautiful old house. The atmosphere.

PETE: How are you feeling now?

NOEL: What?

PETE: It’s getting on for dark. The hour approaches. How’s the spirits?

NOEL: …Okay.

PETE: Good.

Pause PETE: The Janus Foundation. Thirty-one years ago, following the tragic death of our namesake, Marcus Janus, his parents – Marcus was the sole child – resolved to dedicate much of their fortune to preventing the recurrence of such tragedies…Clear so far?...A nod or head- shake is fine, if you don’t feel up to…Good! I’ve worked for The Foundation almost twenty years now and during that period I have helped many a client who today is still walking around on our green earth. Sometimes we meet for a natter. There they are, drinking their coffee, inhaling, exhaling, and I am a proud man. Of course, not all of them opened themselves to help. Those men are no longer walking our green earth. Or anywhere. Right, you say, grand, but who is this fellah to be handling Temptresses? What’s his experience of them? Zero. As you can see, I am a solid man. Have a guess at my tastes and you’re probably right. Steak and kidney pie? Beer? Football? Cars, light comedy, dozing on the couch, U2? Tick tick tick tick, hundred percent. Photo of the family – go on, take a gander. The boys. All seven of them. At one point I thought we’d make enough for a football team, but…And herself. Mags. That’s my qualification. My ‘Of The Worldness’, I call it. My soundness. Not bragging. Just the way I am. Came with me down the birth canal. Noel?

NOEL: Yeah?

PETE: Listen to my voice. Are you listening?

NOEL : Yeah.

PETE: Just the voice. Not the words. Rock. Tree. Mountain. These are things clients associate with my voice. Simple, strong, true. ‘This man is reliable. I can trust him completely.’ How are you doing there? Still with me, yeah?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Okay, are you? NOEL Yes, yes.

PETE: Pretty soon I’ll start to ask some questions. About Her.

NOEL: What?

PETE: About Her, the questions will be. Don’t worry! I’ve done this loads of times. Must count. Hundreds. Nothing surprises me. But I should say (The Foundation obliges me to say): I do not, and The Foundation does not, believe in Her. We do not accept the existence of Her. So when I refer to Her it is not to a Being in any form other than the notional.

NOEL: Sorry?

PETE: I’m saying she has the status of Nessie. And Nessie’s Abominable cousin. And Transylvanian uncle. She exists solely in there, Noel. Your cerebellum, I believe it’s called. Ah! You’re grinning! Sarcastic! No offence taken. Difficult to offend a rock. You go ahead and grin, and I’ll just play this recording…Where is PLAY?...Ah yes.

NOEL: (Recording) You got to oh help please I’m she’s God she’s so please

PETE: Once more. Instructive.

PETE: Lucky I have a trace facility. You left no name or number. Just another cry down our line. Ah, don’t be embarrassed! Sure, most are like this.

NOEL: (Recording) You got to oh help please I’m she’s God she’s so please PETE: Chilling. Always are. Once more.

PETE: All right there?

PETE: So Noel. Why don’t you tell me about her? We could commence – I tend to – we could start with a name.

NOEL: (Inaudible whisper)

PETE: Pardon?

PETE: Try again.

PETE: No worries. Lads can be like that. Shy with the name. Let’s move on to The Encounter. Would I be right in saying that occurred here?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: This room. In this beautiful house.

NOEL: Yeah. PETE: She was ‘present’ when you moved in.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Came with the place.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: And why was it you bought this particular house?

NOEL: Why?

PETE: Yeah.

NOEL: I needed a house.

PETE: You didn’t have one already?

NOEL: What?

PETE: I’m not trying to catch you out. Sometimes, a client, he just bumps, as it were, into a Temptress. She descends out of the blue. ‘Out of the black’ might be better. And sometimes, She (please remember I do not accept Her existence) She is sought. Lads go hunting for Her. Succession of houses. Old buildings. Neglected. Often in remote countryside. The lads make their way through a succession. Increasingly lonely, bleak, cheerless.

NOEL: This place is teeming.

PETE: What’s that, Noel?...Say again? NOEL: It’s not lonely. The place is teeming.

PETE: Teeming with Presences, yeah?

NOEL: I want Her. She wants me.

PETE: She said this?

NOEL: She wants me.

PETE: Because sometimes there is a voice. Or appears to be. And sometimes thoughts and desires just make themselves known.

NOEL: There is no voice.

PETE: Non-Talker. I see. What’s She look like? Could you give me an idea, Noel? It can be a help if I have some sort of picture.

NOEL: No.

PETE: Why is that?

NOEL: No.

PETE: …Have a drink there. Would you like some water?

NOEL: No.

PETE: I’ll pour you some. NOEL: I don’t want-

PETE: Yeah, it helps having a picture of the lady, but in all honesty we find that none is what you might call individual. We have categories. They’re a bit jokey. Don’t take offence. The Needy Virgin, The Cunning Chambermaid, The Abandoned Housewife, The Insatiable Wench, The Shy Horsewoman. Of course, ask lads what these ladies do in their spare-time – do they read, sew, hold a kick-about in the car-park behind the village pub – the lads look blank. It’s like the ladies exist only for them, and The Act. Drink some of that. Tell you what: it’s an order! Good man, get it down. Taste the rock, the clouds? Lovely, isn’t it, water? Think what it meant to our forefathers. In caves. On long tramps for food. Parched. And that sound. Liquid refreshing rush, flash of stream at corner of eye. They can help, Noel, such thoughts. Was there – I mean, do you believe there was - congress?

NOEL: Which?

PETE: Congress.

NOEL: You mean ‘sex’?

PETE: We prefer ‘congress’.

NOEL: Why?

PETE: Well, it’s not strictly sex, is it? With you in this state. And her in that state… Was there congress-dash-sex? Okay. Sure, we can leave that too – intimacy - for now. Let’s talk about yourself. Fancy a Rolo? (Offers) I shouldn’t, really. The weight I’m carrying. Mmm. And I’ll have the one you declined. Mmm. You have family?

NOEL: Look, I really don’t want to, like… PETE: About your family?

NOEL: No, I don’t really want to...to…

PETE: Talk at all? About anything?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Ah.

NOEL: You know?

PETE: I do indeed. You’re all… Absolutely. And I respect that.

NOEL: So can we -?

PETE: Of course we can. And we will…But your family. You were telling me. Noel?

NOEL: I have a sister, okay?

PETE: A sister?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: What - one?

NOEL: Yeah. PETE: Keep in touch? You and sis?

NOEL: No.

PETE: Haven’t seen her in, what, donkey’s years?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Don’t understand her. Doesn’t understand you.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Incredible you passed through the same womb.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Parents?

NOEL: They’re dead.

PETE: My sympathies. Friends?

NOEL: They’re alive.

PETE: No: do you have friends?

NOEL: Not close.

PETE: Right. Okay.

Let’s circle back. Your sister – what’s her name…?

NOEL: Linda.

PETE: Linda. And your folks. How were things, Noel, in the home?

NOEL: How’d you mean?

PETE: Were things okay? Was there discord? Violence? Heavy drinking? That sort of thing?

NOEL: No.

PETE: Money problems?

NOEL: No.

PETE: Now we’re getting places. Working together, you see? That’s what I’m about.

Pete looks behind him, stares for some time. Turns back.

PETE: So: well off, no mad drinking etcetera…Tell me, how was the mood – at home?

NOEL: Not great.

PETE: If I was to peruse a family photo, what would I see?

NOEL: Four…four…glum faces. PETE: I’m really getting a picture. Thank you, Noel. I assume you’re single?

NOEL: Why?

PETE: Why am I asking?

NOEL: Why are you assuming?

PETE: You sort of look it. Been single for long?

NOEL: Three…three, four years.

PETE: With someone before that?

NOEL: Aoife.

PETE: Aoife.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Tell me about Aoife.

NOEL: She was…she was…

PETE: For instance, what did she do?

NOEL: When? PETE: What did she do for a living?

NOEL: She was a model.

PETE: Good looking girl.

NOEL: She went back to college. Studied design.

PETE: Did she?

NOEL: She’s very successful. Designs clothes.

PETE: Does she?

NOEL: Been on television, won awards.

PETE: Good for her. What happened?

NOEL: When?

PETE: How did you and this lovely, talented girl split up?

NOEL: It…faded away.

PETE: Was there no cause?

NOEL: I wasn’t….I…

PETE: Okay - well then, why was this the last of your romances? To paraphrase your good self, the world is teeming with women. NOEL: (Laughs) Look, you don’t, you just have no, I really tried here, but you’re miles – you’re just miles! I mean, I have, I have accessed, I have transcended, I have lain on top of, under, I have been. Your world, puny – puny? You know?

PETE: Not really.

NOEL: What?

PETE: I don’t get you. Sincere apologies.

NOEL: Look, weeks here, nobody, I’m not...

PETE: At your most coherent perhaps?

NOEL: Yeah, listen, sorry. Sorry to put you to all this…thanks for coming and -

PETE: No bother, no bother at all. We’ll take an old break, how’s that sound?

NOEL: No I want you to –

PETE: Well-earned respite.

NOEL: No, I want you –

PETE: Shh! Shhh! Yeah – there we go. Good man. Sit down, relax yourself. This is nice, ah yeah, very nice, a nice big silence. Can really hear it, can’t you, the silence, a great big column going up and up through all the floors above. Just let me know when you’re all set to recommence. NOEL: Listen, you…you….(Laughs) Jesus - my bed, what caused that, and look, this chair too, fucked. Fucked!

PETE: Sorry?

NOEL: You went to other houses – for the Foundation?

PETE: Indeed I did.

NOEL: Notice any…broken things?

PETE: Indeed I did.

NOEL: Well?

PETE: Broken couches, armchairs and beds are not indicative of an amorous conjunction with a supernatural being. My clients tend to be volatile lads.

NOEL: Hundreds – you met hundreds of these lads?

PETE: Correct.

NOEL: Hundreds of fellahs saw Her, yeah?

PETE: Thought they did.

NOEL: Why would that be? Hundreds of blokes imagining Her?

PETE: I don’t know. NOEL: Don’t know?

PETE: Let’s press on to the end of the process. After, you can always say (I hope you won’t): ‘Not for me. Over. Over and out.’ I believe I was asking how come you aren’t out chasing -?

NOEL: Because I don’t want women! I want Her!

PETE: Do you, though?

NOEL: Yes.

PETE: I accept part of you wants Her. Wants to be with Her. But (one more Rolo – grab them off me if I try again) but you did call us. And that’s proof you don’t. Want to be with Her. Right?

NOEL: I just…I…!

PETE: Couldn’t bring yourself?

NOEL: No.

PETE: Still, you’re deeply attracted.

NOEL: Oh yeah - yeah.

PETE: Noel, I need you to do something for me. I need you to hand over what we term The Instruments Of Departure. They’ll still be here. I will not remove them from the house. We could start with – I saw it out in the hall, trailing from inside your coat…Come on now. Yes – good man, good man, thank you (Rope). Have you anything else on your person?...Oh now! Now, now! They’re a comfort, I understand that. But before we go further, (and we need to go further, don’t we?) you need – forgive the pun – to lay things on the table. Noel puts out a canister of pills, another canister, another. He puts out a revolver. He puts out another revolver. Another rope.

PETE: (During above) Thank you…thanks again…Plenty of back up here…Still more?...We done? No? God, you are a thorough lad....Now? Yes? Thank you. This is where I reciprocate. I have a gift for you.

NOEL: What’s this?

PETE: That, Noel, is a tin of peaches.

NOEL: Yeah?

PETE: Tin of peaches.

NOEL: And, like…?

PETE: Banal. But a wonder. Don’t you think? Take a hold. Well, isn’t it – a wonder? In its own humble fashion?...Try this.

NOEL: Twig.

PETE: In fairness, more of a branch. Found it on your drive. Beautiful, yeah?

NOEL: Look, this just isn’t…It’s not what I expected. It’s-

PETE: Perfectly normal. Persistent client hostility. ‘This is shit! Go away! I need to be alone!’ One more Rollo. Had a…the missus this morning...

NOEL: What? PETE: Mmm. Lovely. Sit down there please. Noel! Thank you. Would you mind closing your eyes? Go on – you’ve come this far! So what I see under us now isn’t bits of old lino. Reach out there. Grass, isn’t it? Sweet summer grass. A lawn, or park maybe. Feels a bit damp, doesn’t it? Probably shouldn’t be sitting on it. You’ve been warned. We all were. But heck, this is nice. Oh? And what’s that you have there – a bent old spoon or - ?

NOEL: Lollypop stick.

PETE: What?

NOEL: Lollypop stick.

PETE: A lollypop stick. Having a nice old gouge, aren’t you?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Gouging up moist clumps of lovely earth.

PETE: Gosh, it’s so sunny!

NOEL: It is.

PETE: Oh, just listen to that singing bird! NOEL: Well, well, well! A smile, spotted in the vicinity of Noel. Ah yeah, we’ve taken a 60, maybe even 80 degree turn, in the right direction. You’re in touch again. The world in all its…

NOEL: Muck. Not even muck – an idea of muck…I want you to leave! Now! Go!

PETE: Entirely your prerogative.

NOEL: You bet it – fuck off now!

NOEL: Because the Foundation (Sorry - always…get stuck…teeth) we only operate with what we term Client Permission. You withdraw permission, The Foundation withdraws. I sit into my car, motor home to my seven sons. And Mags. Just to be clear – that is what you want?

NOEL: I don’t care if you go home to Mags or not.

PETE: Do you want me to terminate The Intervention?

NOEL: Yes.

PETE: I’m obliged to ask a third time. The Foundation obliges me. Because this is it, Noel. The next we’ll hear of you is: Born. Died. Much missed by. Do you really want to reduce yourself to a little box of dusty words at the back of a paper?

NOEL: I’m…I’m just…I’m very…

PETE: Of course you are. Do you know what it is? You are horny for oblivion. You just want to ride off into nothingness. Of all the life choices a man can make, that is the most radical. And quite naturally you expected me to counter your Big Move with something Still Bigger. You were expecting possibly hi-tech. But it’s not cancer we’re fighting here. We are fighting The Big Solution To Everything. And the antidote to that, we have found (through trial and, sadly, error) is the Small and Ordinary. Muck. Tins of peaches.

NOEL: I’m tired.

PETE: Are you?

NOEL: I need to go to bed.

PETE: To sleep.

NOEL: I need to go to bed.

PETE: It’s dark now.

NOEL: What?

PETE: Her time.

NOEL: I’m tired.

PETE: Perfectly fine. You go into your room if that’s what you want. She comes through here, yeah?

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: Manifests here.

NOEL: Yeah. PETE: And (you believe) passes through that wall into your room.

NOEL: Yeah.

PETE: And she’ll join you there? And you’ll find release? From the trials of life? I tell you what. I’m going to make myself comfortable out here. I won’t make a peep. Seventeen stone of Ordinary. That’s what’ll lie down out here. It’s all you need. I’m a battery, Noel, a battery of banality. I radiate ordinariness, I keep all the delusions and temptations away. Go sleep, my friend. Refresh yourself. With confidence, I’ll say: see you tomorrow. Noel exits. Black.