WALDORF ACADEMY CALL #9: COMMUNICATING AND CONNECTING WITH YOUR CHILD

Intention for the call:  To give overview of the many ways that you consciously and unconsciously communicate with your child  Illuminate some of the tools that you have at your fingertips so that you have options

So that you to leave this call…  Feeling more confident in how you chose to relate to your child in the moment  Secure in the sense that you have more resources to explore  With a clearer understanding of different ways to reach your child  Feeling both a sense of freedom and a sense of responsibility as to how you are with your child  Knowing from the inside out that the striving counts and that each day is a new dawn

BIG UMBRELLA Love: Your child responds to you because of the deep connection and bond you have between the two of you In many ways you many have not realized that you’ve earned that trust Children are both very discerning and if they feel they can trust you can also be very forgiving. If you’ve had a bad day and not responded how you would have liked, they give you many chances. As a teacher: Fred Jones, author of Positive Classroom Discipline, talks about the fact that a teacher must earn the trust and respect of the children before they are willing to just do what you say.

Preparing Your Child For the World: As a parent and a teacher you are getting your child ready, providing them with the experiences, nurturing certain capacities and giving them the skills, slowly but surely, so they can then go out on their own and create their own lives, based on their own values and passions in life.

In communication with your child, there are two main modes: Direct  Presenting a lesson  Story telling  Giving directions  Giving feedback  Encouraging  Comforting  Nourishing  Playing  Setting limits  Disciplining  Listening  Responding to questions

Indirect  Gestures  Looks  Inner attitude  Thoughts  Tone of voice  Setting an example  Holding space  Observing  Preparing  Meditating

Common Misconception  Children ask why because they want you to explain your reasoning  When a child understand then they will behave  If they feel badly about what they’ve done they won’t do it again  We need to be careful as teachers and parents not to endlessly explain why we expect children to do what we ask them to. We are the authority until they are 14 and they need us to teach out of that awareness. It is not a democratic situation where teachers ask if the students want to or could or would do whatever is requested by the teacher. Instead here are a few phrases that may come in handy o You may now.... o After I show you how to do this, it will be your turn to… o Next you will....

COMMUNICATING AND CONNECTING WITH YOUR CHILD There are several parameters to consider in communicating and connecting with your child.

Your Child’s Temperament

General 1. The idea of the temperaments has been around since ancient times. 2. In educating and parenting the more understanding you have of your child the more you will be able to connect and provide them with the guidance and experiences they need. 3. The temperament is most important during the second phase of childhood 4. The younger children are still developing their temperament

5. Understanding their temperament will greatly help you know how best to respond to your child. 6. The job of the teacher is to harmonize the temperaments, which is one of the tasks of education!

7. Children reveal to us, more or less, one pure temperament. 8. Most adults have a dominant temperament (the lens with which they look through to the world), but at the same time the ideal is to strive have all four temperaments balanced within an individual. 9. Each temperament has a continuum that goes between the positive and the negative tendencies

10. It is important not to make a child self-conscious of their temperament, but keep this too yourself. 11. Each Temperament is related to a different element: earth, air, fire and water: see chart below

12. Temperament has nothing to do with morality but instead with the quality of the personality that the child is born with. Traumatic situations can bring out one temperament over another, but generally each temperament has their own individual reaction based on their dominant temperament. In other words a child comes into the world with a certain temperament, which has nothing to do with environment or education. 13. The idea of the temperaments used during the time of the Greeks as an important part of medical diagnosis was based in theory of the four humors that may have its origins in ancient Egypt. Hippocrates (460-370 BC developed the idea into a medical theory stating that certain moods, emotions and behaviors were caused by certain fluids, which were referred to as “humors”. Each temperament was associated with a certain fluid in the body. (See Chart Below) 14. In Waldorf education it is recommended that the teacher not jump to conclusions regarding a child’s temperament and that it can be sometimes difficult to determine a child’s temperament. In todays modern culture a child may be regarded as sanguine when they are suffering from overwhelm. Problems at home could cause a child to be angry and appear choleric. 15. For example all children can regarded as sanguine as they are usually lively.

16. Each temperament is on a continuum, which flows from a healthy balance to an out of balance manifestation. Temperament Reference Chart

Temperament Element Humor General Color 4 Processes (Fluid) Characteristic

Sanguine Air Yellow Bile Sociable Yellow Multiplication Melancholic Earth Black Bile Thoughtful Blue Subtraction

Phlegmatic Water Phlegm Relaxed & quiet Green Addition Choleric Fire Blood Leader-like Red Division

Sanguine: The sanguine is carefree, sociable, light-hearted and flighty Melancholic: The melancholic is thoughtful, brooding, introspective, complex and philosophical Choleric: The choleric can be forceful, powerful, angry and impatient and often takes on a leadership role Phlegmatic: The phlegmatic is more relaxed, sedentary and interested in comfort, leisure or struggle and angst

Your Child’s Stage Of Development  Understanding the stage of development of your child is key to communication  One task of the teacher and parent is to help the child find a right relationship to physical existence a  Another is to harmonize the breathing between the three aspects of the soul: willing, feeling and thinking.  It is also the task of education to help children develop the right relationship between the waking life and the sleeping life so that they can take in the impressions of the day and give them up to the spiritual world. This is done through rhythm, the arts, movement, play and teaching that feeds the soul and meets their stage of development in the right way.

A Few Reminders about Child Development 0-7 1. During the first 7 years it’s important to understand that they are working through imitation and long explanations and expecting them to understand what you are telling them, or the reasons behind your requests is not realistic. 2. They are in many ways one with the world, which grows into a sympathetic gesture towards everyone and everything in their environment. 3. Their existence has to do with the doing element: they are active and are always wanting to play or interact, and in this way they are learning and soaking up their environment. 4. Your job is to help them find align the spiritual aspect of themselves with the physical; helping by providing a strong daily rhythm and teaching them healthy habits throughout the day. 5. The young child imitates what you do and who you are in the world; they need you to be the picture of goodness in the world 6. The most important thing during these years, especially during the younger years is to make sure that you are in essence walking your talk. 7. You may have habits or ways of being that you’ve been working on transforming over the years, and if you have young children, this is the perfect time to follow through on any shifts you want to make in your life. 8. Maybe you tend to be messy or forgetful or more triggered than you’d like. Working with children and striving to shift something inside yourself is one of the best lessons that you can give to your child during these formative years. 9. Of course this is not something that you share with them, but they will be able to feel your striving. 10. They are also in the age of fantasy play where they need undefined props to play with and inspire their play. 11. It’s important at this time to let them have their own world of play and hold back from wanting to enter into their world, which can then be balanced by times where you do play together. 12. It’s fun to get a sense of what they are playing and then just join in, instead of asking them what they are doing, which pulls them up into their thinking. 7-14 1. The next stage of development, as you know is focused on the development of the feeling life. 2. They children at this time need you to be a loving authority. 3. More than anything it is important to teach through images and stories for this is what will help the children develop the right relationship to their breathing between the nerve/sense system and the metabolic system. 4. They look to you for the container of life, which you lovingly provide. They can sense if you are not fully committed to this task and they will constantly look for loopholes. 5. The interesting thing is that when you give in, they feel as if someone just dropped them. 6. There are of course times when you’ve thought about things and have changed your mind, but as long as you’re not changing your mind for the wrong reasons, then it can be okay. 7. They need to know that you are not only consequent; but that you are also flexible when you feel it is right. 8. What the children at this stage need to experience is the beauty of the world: this includes a beautiful environment, but beauty through the arts, and in the example you provide through the art of communication. 14-21 1. During this stage the focus is on the thinking and ideas 2. The children are very much focused on their own ideas and matching that up with what they see in the world 3. The adults in a child’s life are need to be experts as they have many questions about the world 4. They are interested in challenging the world and need adults who won’t take it personally and have a strong sense of themselves so that they can stand strong in what they require of the students. 5. The ego has not been born and they are still not completely able to make good judgment, so they need the form provided by school etc.

The Season Of The Year 1. Each season of the year represents a different soul quality 2. It is important to consider this in your planning and what you expect of your child 3. The summer is a breathing out; it’s difficult to expect children to bear down during this time 4. The fall is a time for new initiatives and hard work; this is an excellent time to hunker down and do things that require a lot of effort 5. The winter is a time for introspection; it’s important to give the children quiet time, space and lots of creative activities. The festivals a structure for much of what connects us as human beings; love, connection, light, gratitude and giving. 6. The spring is a time for creativity and looking out to the word for inspiration; this is a time to move outside and work with nature as inspiration. Field trips, journaling about their experiences, creative projects that involve nature are perfect endeavors at this time.

Whether Or Not Your Child Is Going Through Any Particular Social Or Struggle On The Home Front. 1. It’s always important to be aware of other things that are affecting your child that may interfere with learning 2. They may be having some difficulty with a good friend or sibling 3. They may be feeling sad about the loss of a pet 4. They may be very excited about a relative coming to visit 5. Regardless of what is going on, it’s always important to take an emotional barometer reading if they don’t seem to be responding to what you are teaching in school 6. The difference in the homeschool situation is that sometimes it’s more difficult for them to move out of their mood as they are used to you being the one to comfort them in these types of situations. 7. When they go to school it can be easier to separate for a time and leave their concern at home.

Know Thyself  It’s also important to do your own inventory  Do some journaling or just remembering about you at that age  Talk to your parents and find out what there experience was: there may be some unconscious messages you internalized about communication in general  Contemplate your own temperament  Know your triggers and find ways to deal with them if you are set off. Understanding Child Development  The most important principle is to remember that the ego is not officially born until 21.  Our expectation that they should just know is often premature  Young children are living in the present and are thinking about consequences.  There are of course needs to logical consequences, but they don’t need to be giving with the added shaming element because they don’t actually equate the two together.  Depending on temperament, birth order, etc. they may take shorter or longer to be responsible for themselves.  You hare helping to train healthy habits and they may need continual reminding.  Have your consequences in place—don’t invent anything in the heat of the moment  Remember that they are not trying to torture you, even though sometimes it may seem that way Different Activities Throughout The Day Now we can go more deeply into each activity and talk about how best to connect to your child. Direct: Less is More!  Presenting a Lesson  For teaching a new exercise, demonstrate after saying, “Watch this!” Then say, “Your turn!” o Next watch your child perform the task; usually the activity needs some adjusting, o Now tell them to watch you again and give a brief, appropriate image to illustrate the movements. o Now it’s their turn again; with the image they will be more likely to be able to complete the task as requested. o If they aren’t, show them in more detail  Story Telling: Lesson presentation & Pedagogical Stores  Giving directions  Giving Feedback  Encouraging  Comforting  Nourishing  Playing  Setting limits  Disciplinary action  Listening  Holding Back (not interfering)

Indirect: We must be aware of all that we do  Loving gestures  Attitude  Thoughts  Tone of Voice  You as an example  Holding Space  Observing

Recommended Reading: The Temperaments in Education by Roy Wilkenson Waldorf Education: A Family Guide by Pamela J. Fenner Temperaments and the Arts by Magda Lissau Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne