Tongues TTheThehe EndEnd TimesTimes edition We’re the second News to Reassure the Wilfully Ignorant paper Jesus Thursdays reads Published by the Editorial Board at the Pentecostal Institute of Smug Self-delusion (PISS), Rapture Creek East, Sell it to ’em Sooty — hits its straps with bold new scheme to lure more international pyrophiles

In a surprise announcement last week, “Our innovative We’re talking about End Times corre- Australia’s Marketing Miracle, the climate policies tourism here,” Mr spondent. Preachin’ PM, Scott “Sooty” Morrison mean we can show Morrison said. The PM’s office tourists fires burning announced an innovative $76mil plan to year after year.”— A spokesperson was also enthusias- lure more international visitors to our Federal Government for the PM’s mar- tic about the spin- shores, with the money to be allocated spokesperson keting arm, Poppy offs associated with from the $2bil bushfire recovery fund. —Victoria Government photo, no criticism offered or intended. Fistula-Browne said the new campaign. When asked if forthright fashion. the allocation of “Those images that was an appro- “The economy the funds would be of the PM waving a priate source of must take prior- and now that my decided by Deputy lump of coal around funding given the ity. We can’t have a government has hit Nationals Leader, in Parliament went enormous costs in- country without an the ground shaking Bridget McKenzie. viral,” a junior ac- volved in rebuilding economy. hands everywhere, “She’s very expe- count executive damaged infrastruc- “Labor did noth- all I hear is criti- rienced at that sort said. ture and replacing ing about electricity cism. of thing and will “Mr Morrison equipment, the PM prices and hazard “Now is not the deliver them where now believes the responded in his reduction burns time to talk about they’ll do the most response shows usual open and- when it was in office bushfire recovery. good,” she told your people are as enthu- The End Times Page 1 siastic about this in the dictionary major industry and and classifying it as LNP donor as he is a sin before he reads and got quite excited the definition.” when I suggested we End Times said could have millions it was aware of the of little statues of “onomatopoeia af- the occasion carved fair” when Mr Folau from coal to cele- thought it meant brate the fact. men who squat to “They’d go for fif- urinate and was teen, twenty bucks a therefore ungodly. throw I reckon, GST “Yes,” said the free because it’s spokesman. “How- mining-related of ever we have taken course. A sure-fire away his dictionar- winner. How good is ies and locked them Adani.” up until the crisis Drought Envoy is over. But that sin and stands, or squats, as the Deputy PM, Mi- the case may be.” chael McCormack Your End Times a world authority correspondent on greenie left, in- asked that if given ner-city, almond the classic meaning milk drinking lu- of pyrophile, might natics believe they not the thinking may have come up tourist be more with an answer, not economy and have The Government is and plashaputhsh- drawn to a country banking on Australia-wide only to the drought, with their triple acceptance of Morrison hhhhes and other like New Zealand. but also the La- latté chocolate swirl Eve (a festival celebrating crap in zoos all over “New Zealand,” bor-induced hyste- with a double dab ’s the friggin’ world. Is he scoffed, “New ria about threatened every morning. achievements as PM by the pub open yet?” bloody Zealand. burning him in effigy) will so-called unique “I mean, how help stimulate the tourism The End Times What’s it got? Vol- wildlife and the good is an avo-fed- economy by adding approached the canoes, paua pat- imaginary climate Murray cod.” to the excitement the head of copy-writ- ties, a feeemale PM, climate crisis has already crisis. In keeping with brought to Australia as a ing in the PM’s whitebait fritters “Okay, so you’ve his pivotal role as tourist destination (see Department of Pol- and some stupid got bugger all water Drought Envoy and End Times 1). Early in his icy, Innovation and idea that rivers and PMship, the PM stated he in a lot of our rivers author of the now would burn for Australia. Pentecostal Guide- water are essential and not enough to famous report on lines for Successful to life. go around for things the drought “txtd Marketing of the “That’s what like platypuses and rpt bt snt 2 Fiona w “I plan to issue Implausible to ask happens when you fish,” The Deputy pic bi mst8k”, Barn- licences to shoot if using the word start listening to PM said. aby Joyce put for- the buggers –some- pyrophiles in a cam- your Indigenous “Well you can ward his idea. where round say paign might back- mob. Next thing you forget your fish “Labor reckons fifty thou’ a crack – fire, so to speak. know you’re away for a while. They’ll we’ve got platy- and I reckon they’ll The scribe was in La-La-Labor land recover when we puses dying because be queuing up. Pau- confident there making policies shift them to a there’s not enough line, Bob and George would be no reper- about the alleged place where there’s water in the rivers. have already got cussions. environment and plenty of water – “Well all of us their names down. “Our new sin 200 irrigation jobs Warragamba Dam, real country peo- “No endangered classifier, Izzy Folau in are say, where the in- ple – hard working platypus, more wa- is on extended leave down the tube. ner city raving fish accountants who ter in the rivers and for the duration of “And anyway, freaks can look after know to the last dol- money in the Cay- the campaign,” he isn’t pyrophilia ille- the useless bloody lar how much their man Islands. It’s assured us. gal over there? Izzy things themselves – farm can squeeze win win all round, “He’s doing a thought it should feed them smashed out of the ATO – mate. great job as you be made illegal here, avocado on toast or can tell you that “And what’s with know, though he but we have to con- whatever it is they platypus fur takes in this unique bull- does have a habit of sider the economy.” eat to wreck the a lot of water. shit? There’s kwalas finding a new word He went on to Page 2 The End Times almond grove, with the government subsidising the cost of desalinating wa- ter from the Arafura Sea and diverting it to the lake. All government departments will then be relocated to Marree and con- nected to the na- tional NBN, a move which the govern- ment says will be completed at about the same time as our world-beating submarines or the Rapture, whichever comes first. A defence tech- nology spokesman at say that this was a dered woods and Tasmanian platypus will race to see who the Malcolm Roberts golden opportunity gardens.” in a Franklin backyard Institute of Nostra- Barnaby Joyce says that can knock down the to show the world Reliable sources though this sub-species’ most vegetation and damian Studies said how the Morrison close to Josh thick pelt absorbs more level the dirt on a that by then all our Government and Frydenberg have water than its mainland warships should be counterpart’s, it will set course to Lake Australia are deal- told End Times that not be the subject of Eyre. converted to run on ing with the climate planning is already a sports-shooting The cleared land clean coal, revital- change. People want promotion. “Tasmania’s ising that essential underway for the LNP government under will be turned over to see what a real Angus Taylor Great Will Hodgman has got its to a consortium industry and putting disaster looks like World Land-Clear- so-called unique wildlife of entirely uncon- Australia once more and how a Christian on the hop without any at the leading edge. ing Race. Federal assistance. How flicted ex-National god-fearing society Beginning in Tas- good is your 1080 then.” Party MPs to plant “How good is al- copes with it. mania, contestants the world’s largest chemy,” he said. “There’s your message. “No change, no POSITIONS VACANT WITHIN NON-GOVERNMENT AGENCIES crisis, just climate. ACTING ON BEHALF OF NON-CONFLICTED CABINET MINISTERS We’ll bring the AND OTHER MPs WITHIN THE RANKS tourists over and show them where OF THE LNP GOVERNMENT the fires were the Applications are now being sought for several vital positions soon to be created year before and within, but separate from, the Departments of: Home Affairs (Ethnicity Check), point out that we’ve Prime Minister and Cabinet (Prayers and Thoughts Department), Religious Freedom got them again this Secretariat (Inquisitions Section), and the Department of the Environment (Rampant year and they’ll be Native Grasslands and Excess Water Allocations Board). here again next year Remuneration and benefits are commensurate with the status of these and the year after. positions and acccountability is in line with the usual high standards set by the LNP What’s new? Government during its time in office. “World leaders in Candidates will be expected to answer questions in person, such as “Were you innovation. acting within the guidelines?” and show creativity in writing reports, text messages “We’ve always and expenses claims. had droughts and flooding rains. If Initial applications by private FaceBook message to: Dorothea Mackel- Senator The Hon.B McKenzie, Parliament House, lar were around to- Under the new powers granted under the Freedom from Responsibility in Government Act (2019), day we’d make her no authorisation is required for this advertisement, which, for all you Scott Morrison idolators out head of CSIRO. How there is, like this newspaper article, fictitious. bloody good are or- The End Times Page 3