VENUS IN FUR (Vanda Jordan is late for her )

Knock knock knock! Am I too late? I’m too late, right? DAMN!! God, I’m so sorry, I am so, so, sorry. I got caught like way uptown and my cell phone went out. Then my heel get’s stuck in one of those sewer- cover- thing whatevers. Then there’s this guy from the train, I don’t even want to tell you about him. Then it starts to pour. I get soaked right through to the skin. My usual luck! (Thank you, God!) Hi! I’m sorry. Vanda Jordan. I know, how many girls in this town are called Vanda? Actually I’m Wanda but my parents call me Vanda. Anyway, I’m like perfect for the part and the train gets stuck in a tunnel while this guy’s all over me. Talk about fate. And you are Thomas Novacheck. God, I love your plays! I mean the ones I know. “Anatomy of Shadows?” Like Wow, Anatomy of Shadows was amazing! I saw it twice! …… Right, right. I mean you know, the other one. Anyway. God this is embarrassing. This play sure is amazing. I mean the parts of it I read. Pretty wild stuff.

WHEN IT RAINS GASOLINE (Alyssa gets ready for her prom night and shares her feelings with the audience)

Do you realize that tonight is the most important night of my life? Oh my God! Do you? It's like totally more important than cheer tryouts. It's more important than my first kiss, the first day of middle school, the first day of high school, the first day of Driver's Ed, more important than my driver's license. It is the pinnacle of the high school experience. The prom. Prom night. The night that I will remember for the rest of my life. I spent $600 on my dress. Anyway, Jane Hickman spent a thousand... She's a total daddy's girl. For her 16th birthday, her Dad bought her a brand new Ford Explorer. For my 16th birthday I only got a two-year old Taurus. I'll just kill myself if she gets queen. I swear! It's bad enough her dress cost more. It's bad enough she's got a newer car. I hate my parents. My father needs to get his butt in gear and get his daughter a fifteen-hundred dollar dress so she doesn't look like a bag lady at the prom. That's what I'm going to look like. A bag lady! Jane Hickman is gonna' be prom queen for sure. This is gonna' be the worst night of my life.” KRAZY GLUE

(In this monologue, Linda calls her best friend up for help. Linda apparently crazy glued her hand to her cheek and cannot separate them. She calls her friend Alison in utter panic and emotional turmoil. What follows next is the phone call conversation.)

(Linda is on the phone pacing with her hand stuck to her cheek)

LINDA: Alison, oh God, it’s me, it’s Linda, I, I, I, I glued my…I glued my hand to my cheek! I’m walking around the house trying every kind of product and I can’t get it off. Nothing will work! I Krazy-glued myself to myself!

I was fixing the chair that my Aunt Fran sat in, you know, the one she broke with her fat butt. The wooden one! My Grandmother gave me that chair, so I decided to fix it. The wood glue didn’t seem to be working, so I Krazy-glued it.

I was lying down underneath the chair, gluing the entire bottom half of the seat because I noticed cracks, these small cracks and I figured, why not just cover the whole bottom with glue so it will be stronger and last longer but, but, but then the chair came apart and the seat landed on my cheek and I put my hand in front of my face to protect myself and my hand got stuck to my cheek…it all happened so fast!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!

Alison? Hello? Alison, are you there? Alison? ALISON?!

(she shrieks)

You’re laughing? Are you laughing at me? YOU’RE LAUGHING?! My hand is stuck to my cheek and I’m going blind and you’re laughing?! THE PASSIONATE INTERN (Heather Anne is an EXTREMELY nervous and hyperactive individual. She is an intern working for a large advertising agency. She has been asked by the head of the company to fetch her a paper clip and she has been trying to find one as if her life depended on it.)

(hysterically crying. Speaking to a male worker from the advertising company who notices her distress and asks her if she is alright)

Paper clips! I can’t find the PAPER CLIPS! I’ve been looking around for over ten minutes and he wanted paper clips like eight minutes ago! I’m FREAKING out!!! The pressure! I just can’t take the PRESSURE!

(trying to get a grip) I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay….I’m fine, I’m fine…I’m okay… yeah..yeah…

OH MY GOD!!!! THERE THEY ARE!!!! I found them! I found them!

(she jumps from her enthusiasm which causes the paper clips to explode out of the holding box and all over the floor)

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! They’re all over!

(she begins to get hysterical again) I just want to do a good job. I get nervous. I don’t know why I get like this.

(the head of the advertising agency walks in) Oh God! Hi Mr. Wallace! Yes, I found the paper clips! I found ’em! They are right here! Right here on the floor! I’m picking them up sir and I am going to bring them to you…Right now sir…….WHAT?!

You already found a paper clip? Oh, you don’t need it anymore? Oh, okay….sorry it took me so—LUNCH?

Sure I can go get lunch….what do you—where? Alison Cafe? Okay where—Corner of Seventh Avenue and Fifty Fourth Stre—Tuna Salad and—Okay—-Ummm, Hero with—uh- huh…okay…Lettuce, tomatoes, pepper, no salt…GOT IT—no salt….melted cheese… AMERICAN! Okay… hahaha right…right, AMERICAN CHEESE….annnnnnd TEA! With a twist of lemon annnd SMOKED HAM with—uh-huh—uh-huh—-uh-huh—uh-huh—yeah… GOT IT! I got it. No problem! No worries! Okay! Thank you! Go now? Okay, I’ll go now and then back to the paper clips. Okay, got it! Righto!

(the ceo leaves…she speaks to the male worker who has not left the room) …I don’t know what he wants…(she gets hysterical) All I remember is AMERICAN CHEESE…I don’t even know where the cafe is or the name of it. (she cries) I’m horrible! I don’t feel well, I want to go . BOOST (In this monologue, Lana talks to her friends outside of school about a boy she likes.)

Michael was staring at me in fifth period English. He keeps smiling at me and then in seventh period gym, we were by the ropes and when it was my turn to climb the rope, he came behind me and gave me a BOOST! Mr. Carbanero got angry at him because he helped me climb the rope. You girls know! He got in trouble for me! That is soooo romantic!

Oh my God! When he first helped me I froze. I thought I was going to die! I was like, “Thanks”. hahaha. I couldn’t even speak. God, he’s soooooo hot. Soooo, soooo hot.

(daydream sigh)

I wonder what life would be like with Mike…lost forever in his sparkling blue eyes. We can have a big house, with lots of trees and….wait, I need to get a grip of myself.

(clears her throat) Sorry.

(daydream sigh) He’s amazing…

BRING ABOUT CHANGE

(In this teen drama girl monologue, MELANI talks to her Auntie about her deep interest in making the world better by helping people.)

I want to be famous. I want to be absolutely famous. Not famous like a singer or actress…I want to be known for helping people. I only want the fame to come because I know that it will help make people more aware of my cause. I plan on using fame to strengthen what I believe in for the benefit of others.

…I see so many horrible things going on in the world…so many people suffering in so many different countries…including our own…it makes me think what kind of future will my generation have?

This is what motivates me…helping people. That much I am certain of…I know there is nothing else I wish to do in my life but make this world better, bring people together, make things good. I’m taking time now while I’m young to figure out my plan and strategies to make a difference.

I’m not trying to claim that I want to be some sort of saint but I know my calling is to bring about change, here, before I leave…and I know I will. CORNER STORE (In this teen girl monologue, JASMINE talks to her friend about how she’s drinking way too much.)

Listen Jackie, I don’t think it’s a good idea we hang out anymore and it’s because you drink too much. I mean, way too much. It’s one thing when we all go to a house party and chill or whatever but for the longest time now, every time we go out, wherever we go, you always want to drink and you always want to stop at the corner store. It’s becoming a problem or it is already a problem. I’m all for fun and good times but you need to slow your roll, partying way too hard and it’s actually changing your personality. I don’t think you even realize but you get so snappy and wild that it’s too much for anybody to want to be around. Not everything is about drinking and blacking out. There’s so many other things we can be doing to have a good time. You need to stop or find some new friends. Seriously. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.

TYPICAL TEEN

(In this teen girl monologue, SHADIRA confronts her Mother about the pressures she has in her life and how she needs more support and understanding.)

I’m trying. It’s not always as easy as you think. I have so much going on in my life and I can only do so much. I know you think I’m Wonder Woman, I know how things look to you and everybody else on the outside, but I am still only eighteen and sacrificing so much of my youth for what I want in my life.

I get that this is what I want and I’ve brought this upon myself. You’re right, it is what I want but you can’t continue to burden me with things you need me to do for you. I don’t have time to run to the store on the way home from practice, when I have exams and homework. I don’t have time to have hour-long dinners with you and the family, or do chores or all the other things that other girls my age do…I can’t have a boyfriend or go to house parties or any of it.

(beat)

It’s not that I don’t want to do those things, well, I can do without the chores, but I need to be disciplined and fully committed to figure skating. You know this Mom, you know what this means to me. Please try to understand me better. I’m not your typical teen. FOG WORLD

(In this monologue, Sabrina confronts her brother about his loud headphone listening.)

(She pulls off her brother’s headphones)

What are you, deaf? God gave you good hearing, why do you have to blast your music into your ear drum so loud? I am ten feet away from you and it sounds like I’m in a club. You are going to lose your hearing. I need to concentrate on my homework and I don’t want to go in my room. I was comfortable until you showed up.

Plus, you dance around the entire house like a jerk, knocking into things and embarrassing yourself. You remind me of the guy from that movie, (imitates guy) “Have you seen my baseball?” from that movie, “There’s Something About Mary.” Yeah. You are like Cameron Diaz’s brother in the movie.

You need to slow down and chill out a little bit.

(whispers to her brother)

You smoke too much It’s like you’re living in a fog world. Snap out of it, before you knock over another one of mom’s vases, you dork.

EVERY WHICH WAY

(In this monologue, SUSANNA talks to her former best friend about why they can’t be best friends anymore).

You try so hard to be my friend again. Every which way, but it doesn’t work like that. What you did really put a wedge between us…I would say a split but we have so much history for so many years—I’v been confused on my end as well, as far as letting you into my life…to a certain degree, that’s as far as you will be allowed to go. Anything more than that is a lie and at times, speaking to you on any level makes me feel like I’m lying to myself because I really don’t care much about you anymore at this point. Sure, I miss you at times, think back on all the laughs we had—sometimes I even feel like I’m making too much of a fuss and it’s really not that big a deal after all…but, I don’t know…I could never fully trust you again and if I let you back in to my world. I will always have in the back of my mind what you did. BAD LOOK

(In this monologue, Emily loves her friend but doesn’t know how to tell her that her laugh is obnoxious and unnerving. She talks to a family relative about it.)

I’m telling you that’s the only thing I don’t like about her. It’s that stupid rat face she makes when she laughs. (imitates her friends face when she laughs) Like that! She scares me! And no air comes out of her mouth, either. It’s like she’s frozen in time!

Maybe I should tell her something about it. But how does one go about telling someone that when they laugh, they look strange? I don’t want to hurt her feelings but what’s going to happen when we start going to parties? SHE WILL STOP THE CROWD.

Usually she does it when she is laughing really hard…her face changes into this weird rat smile, cause she has those sharp fang teeth. I know, I sound horrible, talking trash about one of my girls but seriously, I’m telling you because I don’t know if I should say something to her. Maybe I should before someone else does. She needs to fix that. It’s bad, a really bad look.

ONE STORY

(In this monologue, LORETTA discusses how annoying her Uncle is because he repeats the same story over and over again. )

How annoying is he? How many times is he going to repeat the same story? I’ve been hearing that story since I was like five. You’d think by now he would retire the damn thing. I must have heard that story fifty times and each time it is told the same exact way.

When I mean exact, I mean exact. The same punctuation, pauses, looks. The same way he always gives you the dead pan stare halfway through his speech, waiting for your reaction. It’s like playing out the same scene all these years.

You would think he has more than one story. Nope. Not my Uncle. Just one. Come to think of it, I don’t believe I ever hear my Uncle talk, except for that one story… NOT TRUE

Some High School drama for a teen girl monologue where PAM is being accused of talking trash behind her friends back, when she’s done no such thing.

It’s not true! It’s not! Why would I go behind your back and say those things about you? Why would you believe them all anyway? It’s Evelyn. She’s jealous and sneaky and she’s the one that doesn’t want us being good friends. She’s corrupting everyone around you and making up lies. I would never talk trash behind your back. If I have a problem with you I will tell you to your face. There’s no reason why I would even tell Evelyn to begin with, I wouldn’t tell her anything. I don’t trust her and she’s stupid. If you are going to believe her over me, fine. Do what you need to do cause I don’t care anymore. Really, I just don’t.

ANYTHING SWEET STAYS

In this dramedy teen monologue, CAROLINA complains to her friend about how she feels bloated, despite constantly working out.

I’m never eating bread or pasta again! Look at my stomach. (lifts up her shirt to reveal her stomach) I look pregnant! Is that bump normal?? I feel like I’ve put on 20 pounds in one day!

Let’s see your stomach, see…you look normal but this, (she jiggles her tummy) look at this! It’s pregnancy in full motion! That’s a baby right there! (beat) Gluten what? What’s that? Gluten allergy, I have a gluten allergy? Are you making this up? No seriously, are you making this up or do I really have this gluten thing? Well…maybe . I don’t care if I do, all I know is I’m trashing every product out my kitchen! That’s it, mom is just gonna have to deal with it.

(Starts opening her kitchen cabinets, piling up items on top of each other)

See this bread? Gone, in the trash! Now…lets see what else we can find…AH HA, pasta! In the trash, all the pasta in the trash…no no, leave the muffins, they’re ok… WHAT? They have gluten too?! (beat) Well, in the trash they go. (she sadly stares at the muffins with doubt) Ummm, what else? Not the gumdrops, Anne, the gumdrops stay. Look at my face, I’m serious about the gumdrops, whatever they’ve got…gluten or no gluten the gumdrops stay; the chocolate stays, too. The sweets, anything sweet stays… I’M NOT DUMB

I’m Not Dumb is a teen monologue about feeling inadequate. Tabitha talks to her guidance counselor about feeling less intelligent than the other kids.

I try my hardest in school but I am always just passing by the skin of my teeth. I feel like I am dumber than the other kids. I don’t know why I am not as smart as they are. I study when I go home. Sometimes I stay after school for extra help. I always do extra credit.

Why am I not smart enough, Mrs. Gardner? I want to have a good future. I know I am young but what I do now will mean something later in my life, I just know it. My parents are immigrants who came to this country and I want to make them proud. But how can I make them proud when I am stupid?

What is wrong with me?

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

(Jasmine confronts her best friend revealing to her how much she doesn’t like her boyfriend.)

Can I just tell you something? You know I’m not one to use profanity, in fact I hate curse words but I really, really, really think that your boyfriend is the most obnoxious human being I ever met in all my life. He is, without question, the dumbest, most annoying, rude, inconsiderate little boy I have ever come into contact with. I can’t stand him and I’m sorry that I’m telling you this but if I don’t tell you what I think and feel than I’d be making our friendship a lie.

I was on the bus today and saw him sitting by himself and there was a seat available next to him. I walked over to it and went to sit down but then he exclaimed, “That seat’s taken”. And just as he said it, he put his book bag on the seat, so I couldn’t sit there. Then he gave me this sarcastic grin and turned up the music on his iPod.

I stood there feeling like a complete fool. Why do you date him? He should be nice to me regardless of the fact that I am your best friend. He is so cold hearted and has no manners whatsoever.

Please, break up with him. Don’t be one of those girls that date bad boys because that’s nothing but trouble and there’s nothing cool about it at all. You really need to rethink what you are doing with that guy because he’s no good for you and you deserve much better. SEE ME

(ALINA speaks to her cat Rosie after multiple rejections from drama school.)

I didn’t get in, they rejected me again. The drama school I’ve been wanting to go to… since forever. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m different than the other kids that audition and get in. Their posture is always perfect, mine is awful and I’ve got this weird accent that’s embedded itself into my brain, I can’t get rid of it. I’ve auditioned three times now, and once again, here is the rejection letter…

(Beat)

…I don’t know what more I can do, I wish they knew just how much I care, how much I need them. I wish I had some kind of school or institution accept me as an actress; my family never did, my friends always laughed at the idea. People might think I’m mad but I know I have something to give, I know I do, otherwise why would I be so moved every time I read a play or watch the theater. I imagine for nights on end what it would feel like to be that character.

Rosie, I know I’m not perfect and I’m not saying that I have some Godly gift to offer either, I just can’t believe that there is anyone out there who wants this more than I do.

If only I could make them see me.