CADS Cricket Report Sept 2015
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Non compus mentis Issue 2015 IIAL ANGLO ERC DU M TTC M HH Sept OO CC CAD S O Y CADS REPORT CIET Dutch and UK news oddities from both sides of our codless pond What’s this one hears about one’s microphone blunder David? to Cameron to eat words at CADS Lunch, Friday 18th CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources. L ANG RCIIA LO D ME UTT M C OO HH CC CAD S OCIET Y How to Slag Off Yorkshire Folk By David Cameron “I suspect I will be getting a bit of gyp from this.” On September 9, 2015 the Cone of David Cameron has been caught being less than kind about people from Yorkshire. England eclipsed the record set by her great-great grandcone to become The prime minister’s comments were caught by a live BBC microphone while he was rehearsing answers before a speech in Leeds today. Britain’s longest serving Cone He is heard to tell an unidentified aide: “We just thought people in Yorkshire hated everyone else, we didn’t realise they hated each other so much.” To celebrate this momentous achievement, here are 500 fascinating facts about the life and reign of Her Conesty. Cameron later explained to the BBC: “I was picked up saying something which was not 1. There are only five other conarchs who served meant to be broadcast, but it was a joke...I suspect I will be getting a bit of gyp from Britain for over half a century. They are: Queen this.” Conoria (63 years), King Cone III (59 years), Well, David, it looks like some Yorskshire people agree with you. Conery the III (56 years), Coneward III (50 years) and Conejam VI of Scotland, or Conejam I of England (58 years). 2. Conebeth II has a way to go, however, before she overtakes the record of the world’s longest serving monarch. King Sobhuza II ruled Swaziland for an incredible 82 years from 10.12.1899 to 21.08.1982 3. Queen Conebeth II has four coneren, eight grandconeren and, to date, five great- grandconeren. 4. Conebeth II is believed to be the only conarch in British history who has been properly trained to 9. In Maori language, the Cameron turned to ‘two of the greatest living Yorkshiremen’ Bird and Boycott for change a flat tyre or a spark plug. Cone is known as Kontuku, support over Yorkshire jibe. But Cameron has insisted that the former cricketer Geoffrey which means ‘the red 5. The Cone doesn’t have a driving licence. Boycott and umpire Dickie Bird both recognised it as a joke and believed most people plastic heron’. would feel the same. 6. During her reign, she has owned more than 10. The first ‘Royal 30 conegis, and introduced a new breed - the Coneabout’ took place in Speaking on BBC radio’s Test Match Special during a visit to Headingley, Cameron said: conedorgi. “I’ve been absolved by two of the greatest living Yorkshiremen. I repeated what I said to Australia and New Zealand Geoffrey Boycott and Dickie Bird and they said: ‘It’s a joke, that’s absolutely fine.’” 7. Apart from all unmarked mute swans in open in 1970. water, the Cone also owns all the dolphins, 11. One million people have Right then, David, as a Yokshireman I would just like to say that your politicians “hate all whales and sturgeons within three miles of UK attended Garden Parties at their constituents as much as they hate each other”. But before I’m hung, drawn and shores. quartered, a little Yorkshire ‘ told me that it’s okay to say this because I’m ‘ ... Coningham Palace. Bird’ absolved’ 8. The Cone has sat for over 130 official portraits. JR v L ANG RCIIA LO D ME UTT M C OO HH CC CAD Sept 2015 Corner MIKE S OCIET Y WATERS s I write this, we are just Chairman’s Aabout to hold the 2015 CADS Annual Golf Trophy. At the lunch I will advise you who won it. Me. Yes Me! Your chairman wins the 2015 CADS golf trophy...and I now have to move to a larger house to house the trophy. We had excellent weather, gezellig company, and a gastronomic feast afterwards. On 18th September at the Apollo, lunch we will be addressed by Khaleel Rajwani, winner of the 2015 Netherlands English Speaking prize, and runner up in London. Please note we are Key among your thoughts at this time will be the current form of the back to business dress for this lunch after the frolics of summer. English cricket teams. Well, the English cricket men won the 5 day Test series against Australia and retain the Ashes for another year. They are now endeavouring to win the one day internationals against the same enemy. The English ladies team lost their Ashes to the Aussies, and are now going on to a Great Bash…if you don’t know what this involves, please ask John Richardson. So in summary the men are the heroes, and the ladies have lost their honour…plus ça change…! Applause for the first member (except John R) to tell me about this picture. The Wyndham-sterdam by John Richardson See you on the 18th !!! L ANG RCIIA LO D ME UTT M C OO HH CC CAD This space reserved for CADs Army S OCIET Y I’d like to attempt a microphone blunder at the CADS Army lunch Do you think that’s wise, sir? I shall be wanting Cone soup.